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Ok, my thoughts for 20 min. It's 9:35 right now so I'll be done at 9:55. I feel like a moron doing this. I don't even know how to use internet. I wish Robert hurry up and come set up my Ethernet. I really need to write Katherine a letter. I bet she's mad at me since I wrote Megan and not her. Where and when and how am I going to type this up. It's only been 5 min! 15 more minutes of free thoughts. Kelly sure has been on the phone for a long time. she's always on the phone with 'T', Teresa. They always get in fights too. I wonder if it's ok for me to ask her about that guy she met in Dallas that asked her out. Probably not since she turned red and silent when Sandy pointed out her hickey. I guess I won't say anything. My hand kind of hurts now. I think alot faster than I write. I wonder if that was someone at he door just a second ago. You know, maybe I'll write up both of these assignments tonight and then type them up on different days. Nah, I don't feel like doing the college one tonight. I am such a bad typist. This would have been so much shorter if I just typed it rather than transpose my thoughts. I don't think I'll worry about spelling correctly when I do type this. Kelly is still on the phone and Robert has not come to fix my computer yet. I guess I have less power over him since he made out with some chick on Saturday. Sexual tension can be such a powerful tool. Hmmm, what time is it? 9:50, only 5 more minutes to go. My head itches, now my nose. Ah, that's much better. I wonder if Mike really does like Sandy. It seems like it sometimes. Channing hates Mike because of it. can't believe I spilled out some of my innermost secrets to Mike and he's so rude to me sometimes. I sure do miss Nick. I wonder if he'll write me. As soon as Georgia gets my letter she'll probably send me his address. I'm not going to write to him though unless he writes me first. I really like my handwriting. It looks very similar to my mother's. What time is it now? 9:56. I'm done. I can't believe I thought such stupid things in these past 20 minutes.
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I am almost five hundred miles from home, and I don't know anyone here. I'm not sure that what I feel is loneliness because I'm constantly surrounded by people here at the dorm, but I just don't feel at home here yet. People here are very nice, and I know everyone else is in the same position as I am in, but I really feel that this place isn't for me. I really want to go home so I can be around the people I grew up with and feel at home with. I have many regrets about coming here away from all my friends and family, but then again, I realize that UT is a great school, and my educational background will be greatly benefited. I suppose it's worth the sacrifices in the long scheme of things. Maybe it is better for me to be here away from everyone else, as it should help me become much more independent and learn how to function alone. I've already learned a lot in the week since I've been here, and I feel that I've grown up a lot. I've had to do everything for myself, and force myself to go out and meet new people. My trust issue has become worse here, however, because I used to trust almost everyone, and now, I'm not sure who to trust and who not to trust. I know that if I can just stick it out for a while that I'll grow to love this place because I love learning and new experiences, and I'm definitely going to get both of those things here at UT. I can always transfer back home next semester if I don't adjust here well. I love the people here because they all seem so friendly. I do feel that I'll eventually make many new friends and this place will seem like home. I cannot sleep or eat here yet. I think it's just the adjustment phase. I have nightmares when I try to sleep, so I've grown accustomed to very few hours of sleep each week. I have no appetite, and every time I try to eat, I get this very sick feeling. I'm seriously hoping both of these feelings will go away soon. Maybe that is just due to being homesick and not being in a place where I feel comfortable yet. I want to go home for the long weekend, but I think that will make it much harder when I come back. I don't think I'll want to leave my home again to return here. Maybe it's just the people I left behind that I miss, but I think mostly it's always knowing someone everywhere I go there that makes me feel comfortable back in my hometown. On top of these things, my ex-boyfriend calls often here, and that makes it very difficult. We're still best friends and tell each other everything. The only reason we're not together now is because of our different college choices, and talking to him makes me want to return home even more. We do plan to get back together as soon as we graduate, but that's a long time from now, and not seeing him often is going to be very hard for me. I've known him for 13 years and relied upon him for everything. I went out with someone else this past weekend, and I felt very bad for it. Even though we're not together, I know that he's the one I want, and I wonder if it's wrong to even date other people if I know I still love him and always will. It's made me feel bad when I talk to him, and I even told him about it. He says it will all be ok, but I just don't know. I'm so confused. There isn't a simple answer to anything I try to do here, and everything I do seems to have some kind of drawback to it. Maybe if I sink myself into my studies, I will not forget, but maybe set aside the hurt that I feel right now. I think I should give that a try, and maybe start a rigorous exercise program so that I will be more tired at night, which might make me get some more rest and increase my appetite a little bit. Maybe I should try to get out of this building. It seems very cold and uninviting, and I think another place might be better for me. Well, I know that with my faith in God that everything will work out for the best if I just put my complete effort into it. It's all for the best!
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Today is only the sixth official day of class, and I am already stressed out. I know that I don't necessarily have to do everything in one day, but I feel just so overwhelmed with everything that is going on. I wish I was already set into the swing of things and simply taking things one day at a time. I get nervous every time I think of what possibly lies ahead. I also have to start looking for a job. I feel I do not have the time to work, but I believe mom and dad when they say it will help me adjust better if I have set things to do. I guess it will also help me manage my time better, possibly even help me. I mean 5-10 hours a week is not a lot and it could even be interesting depending on the type of job I could find. I can look in to this of Friday considering I only have one class, although I seriously think I should take an extra hour or two to simply lay down and rest. I haven't done that in a while. What else do I have to do on Friday? Look for a job, call home, rest, read, do homework, and whatever else comes up. Let's see, Saturday. The game is on Saturday, so I guess I will do game stuff most of the day and go out after the game. At least I will be able to get off campus and breathe a little easier. So far, I guess I like it here. I mean I am having fun and enjoying myself but I just got use to doing nothing during the summer. No reading, no calculus, no tennis, no Stu. -Co. or NHS meetings. Not to mention the constant weekend out of town tournaments. Yet, I do miss tennis. Even though it took up a lot of my time and effort, it was always a blast. I miss the team especially, and all my close friends. I am the only one of my closest friends that came to UT, but I guess it is all working out fine. If I went with them to college, I would be at A&M. Naah, I'm OK here. I can always call them. I miss home. I knew that I would be homesick. Even though I like being here, I sometimes wish I was still at home, in my house, with mom, dad, and even Lori & Angie. Gosh, I never thought I would miss those two brats this much. OH, I miss grandpa and grandma and my nanny. I need to call her tomorrow. It's already to late. I wonder what they are all doing right now. They are all probably asleep. I'm hungry, actually just thirsty. I could really go for a big, tall glass of sweet tea with a lot of ice. I can't wait for this weekend. Hopefully I will be able to sleep in late, or at least till 10:30 am. Going to bed very late and waking up extremely early is just not a compatible combination. My legs are so sore from all the walking I have to do every day. I'm used to jogging and walking at least 3 miles most days, but walking here is exhausting. Uphill, downhill, up and down stairs. Just thinking about it makes me tired. I need to get everything I need ready for tomorrow, but I think I am just going to lie down and watch TV till I fall asleep. I am so tired.
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I am so glad that I am finished with that stupid test for psy. Now when I finish this I can take a nap. I need to do laundry and get ready for tonight. I need to get the money that Clint and Dilen owe me to do the laundry. I am not sure what I am going to wear tonight. I am tired. I hope that we get tickets to the OU football game, I really don't want to go stand in line and wait though. I hope that Stephanie and Adam will not be mad because I didn't get the tickets. I like Adam a lot. He is a really cool guy and I am really glad that we are friends. I like to have close guy friends. Clint is cool too. although I have to admit that I found him attractive at first. He isn't hot or anything, but it is something about his personality. I know that he has a girlfriend, but I have Ryan too. I love Ryan and I wouldn't mess anything up with him for Clint. I don't like him that much. My arms really hurt from being on the computer so much. My whole body hurts from exersizing so much latly. I want to loose weight so badly. I wonder how this will be graded, I don't suppose that there is a right or wrong answer, but what if I am writing about the wrong thing. I think I over think things. I wish Ryan was here. You know I think that, but I am really not sure if he was here I would like it. I mean there is a certian degree of independence without anyone here. I think that everyone follows their path diferently than others. I mean Ashlee is getting married. I know that I don't want to get married, but do I really want to stay with Ryan forever. I think so, but it just baffles me how I know that circumstances were different with me then I would be in a sorority and would go out and party a lot. Maybe it is good for me to not to have some of the luxuries that others have and it will let me make better decisions. I just don't understand why money makes a person. Maybe this is really steriotipical, but I think if you have money you can do a lot of the things that poorer people couldn't do. That sucks. I thought that all people are equal and God gave us all differnt abilities and in the end we are not all alike, but rich in differnt areas of our life. The more that I think about it though I am not sure that is the case. I mean maybe it is true and life isn't fair! That would suck too by the way. I personally think that some of my frinds grew up better that me and therefore they will turn out better than me. Kiley is very introverted and wants to go home. that is one thing that I have over her. I don't want to go back to Denison. I see Austin as a second chance for me and I will break out of the social barrier that I had at home. I mean don't get me wrong, I had good parents that loved me and always gave me the best they could, but my mom wasn't as involved as others were and I think that hurt me socially in highschool. I wasn't in the popular crowd and I am not sure if I want to be.
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I still feel sleepy because I just got up a few minutes ago. I am wondering if that is a good way to start a stream of consciousness exercise. My computer told me that I misspelled consciousness, but I don't believe it. I have always been a good speller, for years and years and my computer is only a few months old, so what does it know. I lost my geography notes sometime yesterday, so I'm still mad about that since I only found out a little while ago. It makes it tough, especially since the professor said that the class would be split into two parts. The book would cover one set of information, and the lecture would cover another, and I just lost the last two lectures. Oh well. I am thinking that I am thinking too much about what to write, trying not to forget that stream of consciousness is just that. The WP still thinks that I can't spell and I'm becoming irritated because I can't stop writing for twenty minutes to check what the mistake is. I thought someone was in my apartment, but it was just my upstairs neighbors, apparently. It's not any fun having five people and change living right on top of you. I wonder what kind of day it will turn out to be. Hot, probably. I can't wait for the cool weather to come. This oppressive heat makes me not want to go do stuff outside, and I love to do stuff outside. Well, that's not true. It doesn't really make me want to not go outside, it just isn't encouraging. I'm thinking that I've already written a lot for only about 9 minutes. Makes you wonder. I am wishing that I had all the cable channels in my bedroom, since I paid for them. I need a better study ethic. I think that I've been putting in about half the studying that I need to, but I haven't even had any homework or anything to study yet in my math class, so I'm not sure whether I should worry yet. I'm going home this weekend to see my friends and my dad, and I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel pressure to stay in contact with people at other school, etc. Maybe after a while, I won't feel that way anymore. I'm sure I won't, just look at my sister. And my brother, they just do their own thing, have their own small groups of friends. I feel I should include my brother. I worry sometimes how I come off, how other people see me. But other times, I couldn't care less how they see me. I think it's justified, I'm not a hypocrite, I just have an idea of myself and how I want to be and be seen and certain things dictate that I make an effort on them, and with other things, if I don't seem to care, then that is how I want to be seen. I realize that my writing is vague, only in ideas and few personal details, but that is what I'm comfortable with. I don't believe in diaries. If I ever did this sort of thing on a regular basis, then I wouldn't ever keep it for someone to find. I would destroy it. Kind of a harsh phrase isn't it. "Destroy it. " Like it came from a movie or something. "Destroy it. " I'm about to come to the end of my twenty minutes and I think that I've spent too much time correcting typos. Not that I make a lot of typos, but when I do, I always go back and fix them before I go on with my writing. I'm feeling sleepy again and I think I'll go make some coffee.
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I am very stressed out right now for several different reasons. For starters, I was half way done typing this paper when my computer messed up and everything was erased. Also, I have fake nails which makes it very difficult to type. At this moment, I am trying to write this psychology paper yet all I can think about is everything else I have to do. I wish I had a pen and lots of post it notes with me at all times because I am always thinking of things that need to be done, yet I can never seem to remember them. I am constantly bombarded with thoughts of what books I need to go buy, what sections I need to read for what class, and how I am going to pass this semester living in Castilian. It is wild and very loud which makes it very difficult to study. Also, my ex-boyfriend Derek is in the hospital. He has Multiple Sclerosis and it happens to be very bad right now. I feel so guilty because I have not had the chance to visit him since he has been admitted into the hospital. I think that my mom and I are going to send him some flowers, though. We broke up almost two months ago and he has had a difficult time excepting that fact. It makes me sad to know that he is in the hospital doing absoultely nothing while I am away at college having the time of my life. I don't want him to think I don't care about him anymore or that I have forgotten about him, but this is my own way of really moving on. Last night we had our first date dash for my sorority. I invited this guy named Jordan who lives at Castilian. He is really good looking and we had a lot of fun together last night. Usually I am intimidated by good looking guys, but for some reason I find him very easy to talk to. We also had fun dancing together which is a definate plus because I often feel self-conscious when dancing with good-looking guys. I am a little upset becuse he left me after we got back to Castilian. He told me that he was going to go talk to his friends for a few minutes and that he would be right up. Too bad he came up an hour later when we had already left. I am not even that mad though because I know he feels very bad about it. I am hoping that he invites me to Delt pledge line. I am also very excited because this guy I met and dated at camp this summer wrote me an e-mail! It may sound pathetic but I was really glad to get it. He is a lot older than I am so I was expecting him to forget about me after camp. We are planning on getting married in four years as long as "college doesn't change me. " He is a TA at OU and is one of the most interesting guys I have ever met. We share a lot of the same beliefs and have such a good time together. When I graduate from college we are going to move to a beach in Mexico together. We just sarcastically talk about that, but I wouldn't mind it being a reality!! The other night I put some closure on an event that I had needed to for years. It felt really good to do that. And now I am going to put closure on this paper because all I can think about is what I need to do and how I need to be back up at school soon so I can start getting ready for the game.
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Before i came to University of Texas, I have always thought that i wanted to be a doctor. I did not know any requirements of getting into medical school. But after I came to University, I started to hear all hardships that make people give up on medical school. My major is biology. I thought that I have to have biology major to be a pre-med, yet it is not true. I can have any kind of major as long as i take all classes that are required for medical school. I want to get high GPA this semester or this year so that i can change my major to biomedical engineering. If i have that major, i would not have to worry about not getting into medical school, for they have other kinds of job even though you don't get into medical school. Actually, if i keep my major, i do not have to worry about taking extra classes, because i need to take a lot of biology and chemistry classes to get into medical school. If i have different major than biology, i have to take more classes to get into medical school and get my degree of that major. I think that I always have dilemma in my life, as i am experiencing right now. Even for little things like choosing between going home or staying at school. For example, I want to go home this weekend, yet I am going to be too tired to work anything on Sunday for preparing for classes, if i go home. On the other hand, if I don't go home this weekend, i will not be able to go until all the exams are finished, which is beginning of the October. My parents and I were separated for more than 2 years while i was in highschool in America. April of this year, finally my parents came to America to live with me. But I came to University, so we are separated again. I miss my parents very much. Sometimes I think it is good to be separated from parents, and live by myself. It made me more a mature and independent person. It is the first step of getting in a big society as adult. In here, no one tells me to what to do. But sometimes that makes me feel more scary. I need to manage my schedule wise and control everything that happens to me. I don't have any person to depend on besides a few friends. Friends are helpful and cheerful to me, yet i can not find same comfort from them as I used to find from my family. I hope that I work hard everyday no matter what kind of situation I have so that i can achieve my goal that is to go to medical school and be a doctor.
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Right now I am sitting at home checking my email and different things. A lot of things are running through my head. I need to read for my classes, I need to go to work, and I need to clean the house. I am interested in this psychology class and I like Dr. Pennebaker a lot. He is funny and keeps class interesting. I look forward to class and believe that I will learn a lot. My sensations at the moment include being extremely tired. I am worried about getting everything done and think that I have to much to do. I am very happy it is the weekend and am so glad I don't have class on Friday and this weekend on Monday. I am excited about this weekend because my small town is having a picnic and they are always a lot of fun. I am sorry that I will miss the UT football game against Stanford but the last one I went to was extremely hot and I was drenched with sweat. I had a lot of fun in spite of the heat though. I love the spirit of the fans and feel proud that I attend a university with so much pride and support. I love to be amidst the fans and hear the roar of the games in general. I saw so many burnt orange shirts in the stands that I couldn't believe it. It is almost solid burnt orange with an occassional white or some other color shirt. I don't need to buy any more UT clothing, etc. I have to much stuff already, but every time I go into the bookstore I buy something with UT on it. I feel sorry for whoever has to read this or check it over because it is boring and I don't even know if I am doing this right. I am just writing what I am thinking and it is turning out to be a cool assignment. I think it has been about twenty minutes so I am going to end the assignment. I enjoyed this and it helped me to write these things out. It felt like I was talking to someone who was a very good listener, even though it was a computer screen and no one will probably read it anyway.
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Hmm. writing assignment in psychology class. And here I was thinking that this class would be fun and exciting and relaxing, EXCLUDING any sort of writing assignment like the history or english classes. Man I am making so many mistakes as I type, I couldn't possibly be nervous I know that for sure. Oh look, what do you know, only about 1 minute and 30 seconds have gone by; I really don't know if I can keep this up for another 18 minutes or so. I wonder if grammar actually counts, not like I would receive any points on it if I wrote it any slower with a timer right on top of me anyway. Hmm. think I will go back and read this message before I continue any longer. But, I guess that would kind of defy the purpose of writing in a stream of consciousness manner. Stream of consciousness, that term reminds me of my humanities class in 9th and 10th grade. It definitely reminds of James Joyce, the author of Ulysses who attempted to write an ENTIRE BOOK based on the method of stream of consciousness. Man that was quite painful to read, since he didn't use ANY SORT OF PUNCTUATIONS AT ALL. Maybe I'm not supposed to be using any punctuations either. I wonder if I'm destroying the purpose of this experiment. Writing this makes me wonder, can this REALLY be stream of consciousness? There had to have been some premeditation involved one point of another. I'm beginning to feel like my thoughts are premeditated as well. Heck, whatever gets me the credit and grades for this class. Dr. Pennebaker is one hilarious person, good at making fun of people. There is nothing better than public humiliation of individuals who like to stand out among his or her classmates. It is always a good laugh. Well, Friday's almost here, that means another week of my completely wasted college life has gone by. At least I get to go home for this weekend, I'm really sick of consuming the heinously disgusting American food at the Jester buffet or city limits. I'm actually going home for business training. Since I am an independent business owner, I should probably learn some management skills and as well as how to expand all the assets that I have. Speaking of assets, I just recently learned the importance of being able to distinguish between what exactly is an asset and a liability. Robert Kiyosaki is a very, very intelligent man. I guess why he's the multi-millioinaire and I'm not. Oh well, maybe I'll get to his place someday with the help of my friend. Weird, what was I thinking. I could've sworn I was talkin about goin back home for business training earlier. I guess this is what stream of consciousness is all about huh. Man, it seems like it's been forever, but only 10 minutes has gone by. Speaking of time, it reminds me of the different theories that people have developed over their life time. Some people thinks the time goes by faster if they stare at the clock. Personally, I think the clock goes by so much quicker if I'm not constantly staring at it all the time. I wonder how many spelling mistakes I've failed to correct in this writing assignment, oh well. Back to the business training, I hope the ninety dollars were well spent. I really hope that BWW has put together somethin good this year, something that all the BWW/QUIXTAR-Affiliated Independent Business Owner can benefit from. Man that was a pain to type, I probably should've just typed BWW/QUIXTAR IBO's for that matter. Anyways, most of my friends don't seem to believe in the business that I'm participating in, well actually, owning. I don't really get any respect from them at all, and sometimes I really wonder why that is. The only thing I'm waiting to do now is being able to handle my business correctly, expand it large enough so I'll have multi-million dollar returns. And then I think I'm going to come back and laugh at all of the people that has disparaged the activity I was involved in. Even better, the stupid electrical engineers that I call friends can work for me in the future. Just as Robert Kiyosaki says, an intelligent person hires people who are more intelligent than they are to work for them. I will be able to prove myself one day. Being able to beat them down is probably the only drive or motivation that exists in my life. Besides Daisy of course, she is the love of my life. Without her, I don't think I would've sanely passed through the toughest times of my life. I'm really hoping to get married to her one day, and make her the happiest woman on the face of this planet by providing her with everything that I possibly can. Looks like I better get rich quick. But, I doubt she's interested in me being rich, I truly believe that she's with me today because it was her choice. She's not the type of person that would regret any decisions she has made in the field of love and relationships, which is something I really respect. She always gives her all, always tries to put on a smile just for me even though she may be having the worst day of her life. I'm so lucky that I've found her, and I'm willing to treasure this relationship for the rest of my life. I cannot really express my love for her in words, nor in sentences, maybe not even an essay of this length. All I can pray for is that someday, she will be able to touch my heart with her hands and fully understands the kind of appreciation that resides within the innermost side of my heart. I thank God everyday for all the things He has bestowed upon me. Of course, besides eternal life, Daisy is the next greatest gift that I have ever received. Oh look, time's up, bye!
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I'm not quite sure what to write about, and I highly doubt that anything interesting will come out of this paper! It makes me nervous to turn in a paper that I won't have time to proofread or check over. One of my English teachers used to take off points exponentially for every grammar error in the paper! Luckily my teachers aren't like that and this is the first paper I've had to write so far. Which is a good thing, I'm definitely not complaining. It is also the first actual homework assignment I have had, the rest is just reading and reading and more reading! Luckily most of it is interesting. I know in high school they said that college would be much harder and that there is more homework, but I don't think so. It isn't harder because there is more time to accomplish things in. the. Besides, teachers aren't so anal here. Maybe it's just UT, but I love it! I love the liberal attitude! Anyway, my roommate is due back at any second. Everytime I hear doors slam or flip flops coming this way, I think it is her. It's a bit distracting, although I guess in a way I already am distracted. I just don't know what to write about! I really hope this paper isn't graded on content! But Rachel, my roommate, is really nice. She thinks she is a witch, which I thought was incredibly weird, but whatever. I haven't seen anything weird since I've been here. Unless one considers a tarot reading weird that is. She did a reading on the phone to her boyfriend of three weeks that she has never met! Isn't that weird? I can't imagine that relationship going anywhere. But it makes me feel glad that I have Michael. He is been my boyfriend for two years, and now that we are in different cities, it's hard! I think he is taking it harder than I am, but I don't know how to help him! I guess that if the situation was reversed, I would be freaking out too. It's just that I have so many things to do here, that I can't talk to him every single time he wants to. Maybe things will improve with time. I finally found the lyrics to Enya's song called ?Only Time. ? It really has a great message, although almost all of her songs do. As the title implies, she talks about how only time knows everything. Time knows if you will stay married or if your troubles will go away. Knowing that is great, it's just hard. Kind of like the saying ?easier said than done. ? It's hard waiting for things! Not material things necessarily, but for success and happiness and similar things. I guess that's what everyone wants; happiness. I'm scared that I won't find it in my future work. Even though I love helping people and I know Social Work is a great thing, social workers make less than $30,000 a year! It makes me wonder if I have some greater purpose in life. So many things interest me that I feel pressured in choosing what to follow through with. A friend of mine has the same problem and she said ?I feel like I have 10 souls inside of me and each wants to do a different thing. ? And I feel the same way! Ideally I just want to make a difference and help people. I'm sure that somewhere in the next four years I will figure out what I want to do. It makes me wonder how other people just automatically know what they want to do. Is it because they are really good at something and want to follow through with it, or is it just because they made a random decision and want to stick with it? Who knows! I have nothing to do all night which is the perfect chance to study, but for some reason I just can't concentrate. Maybe it's because I took a nap and now all I want to do is go back to sleep! For the first few weeks I was sleeping wonderfully, but I haven't been able to for the past few days. Maybe Pennebaker's talk about college kids having sleep problems affected me! I doubt it though. But it is great being in Psychology. Although the book can be a bit boring sometimes, some of the subjects are incredibly fascinating and I can relate to most of them! Michael laughs at me all the time because I am constantly trying to justify things in life by what I learn in psychology. He has a terrible memory, so when I learned about the hippocampus or the amygdala or whichever it was, I immediately thought of him. And of course he laughed at me and thought I was silly to think that he had a medical deficiency since he couldn't remember things well. Oh well I guess! At least he loves me! Well, I have one more minute and I don't know what I'm supposed to close this off with, but I guess that means I'm supposed to keep rambling on. I would be really interested in seeing what kind of study these are being used for, if any. I would love to see what people wrote about. Probably friends and school, which seems to be what mine is dominated by, but maybe not!
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I am in the computer, I wish I’m I bed right now, God I'm tired. Are my doing this right I sure hope so. Do I need to hit return after each line. Man this is harder than I thought. only 5 mins past. I wanna go eat lunch now. Boy I type fast. That girl is really good looking, I wonder what her name is. That music is really loud will you please turn it down! The computer lab is closing in 25 mins, I think I can finish before then. Man this is weird, writing down want you are thinking. I need to go back to Houston and bring my basketball here. I missed my room. Need help? The lab assistant is there to answer any of your questions, yeah right, that girl here yesterday was no help at all. I wish I have a computer in my dorm. I wonder if my roommate is still asleep. I should be sleeping to. I think I did this in high school, but I’m not sure if it's the same thing. I really need this ten points, so I better get a good grade on this. I missed Ling, I wish she's here with me right now. I wanna an ice cream. Boy this is Boring, I really do think about a lot of things. Turn the music down damn it. Hey I like this computer. Do I need to print this out? Boy two more papers to go. I wonder if Ying will go out with me ever, nah, she's not my type any ways. Do I need to do this in Paragraphs, I sure hope not God How long do I have to do this. I'm thinking about what do think now. yes today is the 4th. nice hat. I need some money. Shoot, gotta do my math homework later, man this sucks. I gotta go eat lunch before my next class, how much time left for this thing? I think he got the same class with me. Where is Jenie, we gota do the topic thing together. I wonder what is on TV today. I think the computer lab is about to close. Can they tell how long I have been writing this? I don't wanna go to Jester West. Cute girl. nice mouse pad. I really need a computer. Man she is tall. I really think I did this in High School. Today is the MTV award, yes. Oh no, I gota a meeting session, I think I’ll skip it. I can't, I got to turn in my homework, man this is not good. How long has been. I really should have kept track of time better, I Think is been 20 mins now. I'll write a little more just in case. I hope my friends waited for me to go to lunch, they better. I need to go to the gym again today, do I have enough time? The lab is kinda empty now, may be I should go too. I'm sure it's been 20 mins at least. okay five more mins and I’ll go to lunch k. What is he writing over there, I think it's a web pager. Why didn't this web pager work yesterday? nice screen saver, I think I’ll get one too when I fix my computer. I wanna a lap top. I'm getting sleepy and I just woke up too, boy this is boring. Do I really think about all these different thing before, nah. okay the lab is closing, I think I should go to lunch now bye. Yes, one down two to go.
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Excersise really does work. it does release happy chemicals. i feel reasonably energized now. but at the same time, i feel like it already peaked. its wearing off. jealousy is funny. chris and harvey met three girls while i was gone. i feel left out. i have a girlfriend, and i love her more than anything. i miss her. id give anything for one of her hugs now. but perhaps just the fact that they are meeting people and I am not is making me jealous. but. if they had met some guy, i don't think i'd be very jealous. its girls. i like girls. girls make good friends. i seem to have more close female friends than most with girlfriends do. i always thought this was a good thing, but lately, given my reaction to this new college environment im begginning to wonder if it is. im begginning to wonder whether i just want to meet girls, and have the romantic tension that will never amount to anything more. the romantic tension makes me feel good about myself. shouldnt my girlfriend make me feel good about myself? she does. but i always want more. It's impossible to do this assignment without sort of planning it out. i want music now. i still feel jealous. but while writing about it, some of it has subsided. i feel guilty for being so jealous of my close friends. in fact, my best friend. my roommate. i don't know if he considers me his best friend. it would flatter me more than anything to find out he did. if he ever told me. if i died, i wonder how many people would say their best friend died? i feel like im a best friend to many people. i feel guilty for this, because best friend usaually implies an exclusive position. Now that i think back, there have been many instances where one of my friends would tell another friend that they were my best friend. i considered the friend they told my best friend. and i felt like i had done something wrong, like made the person who wasnt my best friend feel to close to me. i like close friendships, with anybody. i don't like going to parties. i like hanging out in small groups, or just talking to one person for a long time. i think i have made a lot more close friends this way than people that go to parties. I think a lot of people are jealous of me, because i manage to maintain intimate friendships with so many people. its odd how oblivious i am to this jealousy. im constantly insecure. I've questioned repeatedly how anybody could like me. i never want to meet anybody like me, i could see through them to everything i hate about myself. even as i tell myself now that people will jealous of me, im sure something will happen tonight that will make me forget that. When im jealous of someone, i don't understand how they could be jealous of me. i'm constantly jealous. for my freshman seminar on concepts of sin, we have to pick our own sin to write about. my sin will be envy. the one i can't control. other sins don't give me as much trouble. im a very restrained person. i think restraint and balance are more important than anything else. especially in love. i say that because i remember a word my teacher was talking about that meant to love your spouse too much. she said it used to be a sin, but its not anymore. it began with a j. i wish i could remember it. im sure ill look it up soon. its a word that relates to me a lot, and i bet i'll sound very smart when i use it. people will think im a very educated person who not only understands himself, but also uses big words to describe his self understanding. anyway, i agree that loving your spouse too much is a sin. my spouse type figure and me seem to have a mutual understanding about this. its odd how at times i love everything, and at other times i love nothing. i wonder if the aderall i take affects that. it seems to stimulate my emotions. sometimes when i take it late at night so that i can focus on studying, i start crying from pure emotion. heh, well, obviously not pure. harvey aays its okay to take because it was prescribed to me. i still think id feel better about myself if i wasnt on it. this band makes me feel better when im troubled. its odd, because theyre lyrics are very meaningless to me. but the music has this sleazy, yet upbeat sound that somehow taps into what im feeling. i wonder if they created this sound on purpose. i saw them live in austin, it was a fun show. i remember a drunk man who was extremely happy jumping up and down a lot and yelling right next to me. that was the first time i ever wondered if i should start drinking. i think I've still decided no.
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My throat hurts. I had a little too much troubling trying to spell throat. I've now discovered hat my brain works much faster than I can type. I hope I'm not getting sick. All I can think about is this assignment. Now I'm thinking about all the things I need to do today. And this weekend, I have to write a rough draft of a paper. I need to go to the library or something. It's really cold in here. My eye itches. I hope they found the people that were smoking in the building last night. That's probably why my throat hurts today. We could smell it through the vents. I need to go to the store. Now my nose itches. Our room looks kind of messy. Can I listen to music while doing this assignment? They'll never know. I have to watch the clock and stop at 10:47. I remember when I heard this song for the first time. I hope it rains today. I don't like Star Jones. She seems really mean and pushy. All I can think about is what should I think about next so I can type it. I need to email my mom after this. I'm trying not to, but I can't help but sensor this. She needs a different haircut. She would look better. Ouch. That hurt my sunburn. I have 8 minutes to go. Oh I really like this part of the song. I love jazz. I think I need to buy some cough drops. I'll out that on my list of things to get at the store. I really like this part of the song too. I need to get my math homework done early. Why did it repeat, I didn't tell it to repeat. Or maybe I did. What was that? I think it was talking chickens. When you turn the sound down, not all commercials are as selfexplanatory as you might think. I needed to know that. I want to go somewhere. I need to drive. I just don't know how to get anywhere. I'm just killing time until the 20 minutes are up. Oh laundry tips, I've got to watch. And look at that, times up.
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Labor day weekend was awesome! I love my boyfriend so much. We were so lazy and it didn't even matter what I did with him, because just being with him was enough. We just watched movies and ate. He sent me flowers on Bid day for the sorority Pi Beta Phi. I love that he knows everything about me. He knows when I am sad, happy, etc. I really miss him right know. I hope that he can come on Sunday so that he can se my dorm room and meet my pledge sisters. I can't wait to see what he does for my birthday. I can't believe that I am going to be nineteen years old. It doesn't feel like I should be that old. It just seems like yesterday that I turned sixteen and got my driver's license. My sister is twenty-two years old and engaged. I'm so excited about being her maid of honor in the wedding. I know that I am going to be so emotional that day. Troy is so perfect for her. I know that they will have a long and happy marriage together. He is just like a brother to me. My parents are glad that they will only be an hour away from them. It seems weird that we don't live in Waco anymore. I consider Waco as my home, and not Beaumont. My parents evidently seem to like it there, even though it is so humid. I thought that Waco was humid. It is nothing compared to Beaumont. I love Adam so much! It will be neat when his dad is in session. Maybe he will take me out to eat so I don't have to eat the dorm food all of the time. It really isn't that bad! I just hope that I don't gain the "Freshman 15. " Dancing will keep me in shape, though. I love my class. Ballet three times a week is just enough times to keep me from not missing my dance studio in Waco. It is really neat to get a lot of different styles of dance from different teachers. I think that it helps and has helped me to be a more well-rounded dancer, and open to new things. I miss my friends from high school. I just talked to Ashley today. I was so excited that she called. I know that I am going to have to start writing letters and e-mailing my friends and Adam, after my one hundred dollar phone bill in ten days. I feel really bad about that, but I just didn't understand the whole "phone bill thing. " As they say, everyone learns from their mistakes. I definitely had to learn the hard way, though. I hope that I have a cheaper bill next month, for my parents' sake.
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I love it when things are like that, things have calmed down since I last wrote my entry. I have learned that indeed almost everyone else is feeling frazzled right now also. I had English today at 9 am and really enjoy it, I like my teacher a lot and have a small class, which I like also--more of a high school feel. It is my birthday tom. and I am not excited about it because I have really crazy classes tom. an 8am to 11am which nearly always kills me. All my friends are already talking about where to live next year and I am not sure why. They all say that things fill up so quickly. I got my feelings hurt because my best friend committed to someone else without even checking with me, I guess I had assumed we would live together next year. College is so much money. I feel like at every corner I turn there is another fine or whatever, even meals really add up. I am not working this first semester because my mom wanted me to adjust to college before having a work schedule, I am doing some babysitting though. Kids are my life, I do not know what I would do without them. I was thinking the other day, my dogs back in Houston--do they know I am gone? It made me sad to think they have no clue if I am OK, I am very close to them and it sucks to think they don't understand a move. My phone is ringing but I think I will ignore it, no one seems to call me but maybe that is why, I have gained a lot of weight and I can feel it, I am slower and get more tired quickly. I wonder how it will feel to 19! Almost 20, I feel like just yesterday I was at my 14th birthday party-a slumber party, often times I miss that stage in life, the innocence. a lot of my friends have changed since then and change is good, but I miss my friendships since then, all my friends are so different. Right now my friend Connor is here and she is sitting on my other friend's bed. She is thumbelina, so cute. There is a vacuum going on in the background, I really need to shave my legs. and lay out. My brother called me last night and said hi and he misses me, I miss him also but sometimes I wonder if he misses me driving him around, he is only 12. I want my older brother, who is 31, to have another kid, that would be so exciting for me. He already has two. I am a theta and I really like them. Tonight I am going to get yogurt with my mentor who has the same major as I do, she will give me advice on what to do and stuff for the future. My e mail is broken and I am so sick of my computer company because they do nothing about it. They are so slow. Now my friend has left the room, I feel like I can not say private things while she is in here, she was reading over my shoulder-how awkward, she wants to go eat in the cafeteria, and I am not hungry. I am scared for one of my friend's futures, she failed summer school and is doing bad at ACC and is not trying. she is depressed and stays in bed all day, it worries me. lunch at 11 am? is she crazy, I think the TV show Jerry Springer is so dumb and should not be aired, before all the fighting started no one really watched it and now everyone knows what it is because of that, how weird. I love beanie babies, they are so cute, but I do not understand why people pay so much money for them. they are beans in a bag, worth about 3 $ max!!! I love the summer and am sad it is almost over! My 20 minutes is up so bye bye.
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I don't like being home alone as much as i thought i would like it. i want Talia to come back already. i can't believe she also takes zoloft this is too weird. i kinnda want her to be normal because now i just think the both of us are too weird together. it was such a coincidence that we got paired up together as roomates. i was talking to chris and everytime i do i feel so much more homesick. i can't decide if like him or not. well i like him. but i don't know if i like him more than a friend. i probably like william more. yes i do. i wonder what he is doing right now. it is raining and i don't like that. i hate the rain. i feel scared that something bad will happen. this song is funny. i guess they don't like jermaine dupri. i had some really good french vanilla coffee but now my throat hurts because it was way too hot. i really miss charm and all the guys. i felt so sad because they went out without me. ok the comp just made a strange noise that i don't like. that really scared me i thought i had broken talia's computer. i would really be in trouble then. damn it feels like i've been writing for longer than 6 mins. but oh well. i wonder wat chris is doing right at this moment. i wish i could see him. he can always make me laugh. speaking of funny people, i really miss emy. he's the love of my life, without it being in any way romantic. i would do anything for him and i worry about him so much. i really hope he is doing ok because if he isn't i would drop everything hear in austin just to be with him. the people in my floor piss me off all the time because they are always yelling and i can't stand that they don't have the courtesy to be quiet at night. they really annoy me. i wonder if that comedy show is going to be on tonight. i really like that show. i wish i had more of that coffee. even though it burned my throat. i ate pizza today and it wasn't the best thing in the world. i'm going to remember that for next time. i eat way too much sometimes. i am so fat i don't need to eat more. how the hell did i get to weigh so much? i just can't believe it. i hate walking around and seeing all those pretty girls. i spend most of the day being jealus of them all. i don't know how to make myself stop eating and to start working out. i mean i have a gym right downstairs but even that embarrasses me because i don't want people to see the fat girl working out. that's why people work out, to lose weight. but i just can't get out of that mindset. it is way too cold in my room. i'm going to get sick. i have to do so much homework. especially biology because i don't understand anything in that class and we might have a quiz next week. i won't do too good on that. chemistry is pretty good i think. i got a little confused last night with the homework but i'm hoping to work that out. biology 212 is not that bad. at least i don't feel like falling asleep right then and there like in bio 211, i really don't like my instructor. she's so damn boring and she tries to be funny but i doesn't work. i really hope i don't do too bad this semester. i hope to get at least b's in all my classes. a's are impossible in college i think. i'm really worried about my scholarship from d. d. hachar, i haven't gotten the half from UT that i'm supposed to get. i really should call the office or stop by. and i should also go and settle the matter with the mental health office too, i don't want maribel to keep bugging me about it. this is really not cool, i don't want to have to do that. but oh well. i guess if i have to. i should write an email to the finacial aid office asking them about my scholarship. or maybe i should try to contact the nursing school. maybe i don't even have that scholarship anymore. that would suck if i don't. i really need the money. i don't want my parents to worry about me or money. i can't wait until i have money of my own to help them out. i wonder if i'll ever become famous like i always dream about. i dream about so many things itz hard to keep track. i'm almost done. wow, that went by quickly. this wasn't so bad. i wonder if they're really going to read this thing. i doubt they have time.
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so what do I think about for twenty minutes. I don't really know. it's different when you actually have to think about what you're thinking about. my feet are cold. which is so weird because my room is always hot! We really need to get that fan that we talked about. I wish I was home; I was always the right temperature at home. and if I wasn't I could just change it. oh well I'll be home at the end of this week. I hope steffie is feeling better and not having too hard of a time with classes. I haven't talked to nick since I've been gone; I wonder if he even misses me. probably not so much since he just started middle school and he is making all new friends. how come I haven't made all new friends? maybe I should have gone to a smaller college. I dunno, I just wish I wasn't here. seeing javi this weekend was great, but as much as I try to tell myself that I should be happy that I at least got to see him, I can't get rid of this hollow feeling. I think I've sighed in the past two and half weeks than I have in my entire life. but honestly, what will I tell mom and dad. I know that they support me but how am I going to say that after three weeks somewhere, I'm so unhappy and I just want to be somewhere else, preferably in oklahoma. I dunno, maybe I should just wait. it has only been three weeks, and you knew that you were a shy person. but eventually you'll start making friends like at home. I just wish I wasn't sad all the time. it makes me feel like I need to talk to dad about medicine again. I'm so sad. I hate it here. I just want to go back to normal. no matter what I do, like swimming the other day with jacob and alex. that was kinda cool, but I was still only mildly entertained. and as far as studying, I've always liked it, but now I depend on it way too much to keep me busy. oh yeah, I can't forget to go by the library today and ask for a job. if I don't get that done, it'll keep bothering me until I do. hopefully they'll have openings, because that would be the ideal place for me to work, I think. haha, everyone would laugh at me though. how perfect. Christine, working in a library. whatever, it sounds cool to me. my birthday. I wonder if we're going to have time to celebrate it this weekend. I hope Lee'or doesn't mind that I didn't call her. I should have called Dee dee back so that I could wish Lee'or good luck. oh well, she was getting married; I'm sure that she was so happy that she didn't even stop to think about it. I wonder what javi's doing right now. I 'm so glad he came this weekend. it was the best feeling. but then again, would it be worth it to change schools. I mean everyone is so pessimistic about this sort of stuff. should I even listen to them? I mean everyone said just break up before you leave. long distance doesn't work, but both javi and I ere so miserable. it caused more problems then staying together will. but I know what mom and dad would say. especially dad. he wants me to do well with business so badly. he is so proud. but I don't even want to do business! but then again, I dunno what exactly I want to do. except be with javi and start having some fun with this whole college" experience that everyone raves about. so far, I'm a little disappointed. but I guess that's a little of my fault because all my motivation seems to have disappeared. except for good ol' school. at least I can judge that. I can't let them slip. my grades are what I can use to persuade my parents. that I at least tried the whole business thing, whatever. but now I'd rather do something interesting. ugh! business! yes, it's great. I got into UT business. wow! but if I can't even get excited about going to class, how am I going to get excited about getting up everyday of my life to do financial reports and stuff. oh blah! how boriiiinnngggg! how boring, how boring. but isn't that just perfect as well- I'm stuck between doing what I know is logically best and what I feel like doing. hmm, yeah, there are a lot of things on my mind. I always seemed a little stressed in high school. just trying to balance everything, but at least I had fun. I think if I were another person I probably wouldn't want to get to know me now either. despite the fact that I could get down before, I never doubted that overall, I was happy. now I just feel lonely. haha. maybe I should stop listening to coldplay. rush always said their music always makes someone sad. but I dunno, I really like the piano. and plus I have so many good memories from that one cd. I just need to listen to some more upbeat music I guess. maybe some
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Well this is it , I guess? My first writing assignment in Psychology. I sure hope that no one calls and interrupts my internet access. Watch! Now that I've said that, someone will probably call. I'm the type of person that thinks that way. I mean, that if I say that I don't want something to happen, then I think that it probably will. The thing is, that those negative things that I think will happen seldom do. I guess I am just a cynical person like that. Wait, is that cynical or pessimistic? I don't know! Maybe I just think that way because I think it's humorous, or maybe I'm just trying to keep myself in check. Whatever it is, I just think that way sometimes. Enough about that. There sure are a lot of fine women here at UT. Well. Maybe it's because I went to an all boy school for four years that I think that way. No, that's not it. These girls would look good regardless of where I went to high school. The good thing is that there are a lot of girls, the bad thing is that I haven’t met one yet. I have always been shy around girls and going to an all-boy high school didn't help anything. Well, I will say it right here! I am going to do my best to get over that. With all these girls, I just can't let them pass me by. I see how happy my roommate and friend is with his girlfriend. I also hear countless stories of all these "fine" girls that he has met. I want to be the one with the stories and the girl. Not that I want my friend to not have the stories and the girl, but I want those things, too. Heartbreaking story: there is this real "fly" Asian girl in my Chemistry class. On the first day, she sat right next to me! Then I don't see here for a couple of days. Today I see her, finally! And she's holding some dude's hand! Oh well, I guess?!? There's an addiction that I must get over. Not drugs, or alcohol, or anything bad like that. You see, I love to play at the local arcade. I must spend about two dollars every other day in there. My money isn't limitless and everytime I put a quarter into the arcade machine, then that's one less load of laundry that I can do. Now do I want 20 minutes of entertainment or clean clothes. I don't know. It seems that every free moment I have I am in that stupid arcade. A tie-in with the last paragraph: maybe I don't meet any girls because I am in the arcade all the time. Prediction: I get out of the arcade, I take on an outgoing attitude, and I will meet a girl. Before I finish with this writing assignment, let me tell you about the two addictions that I have that I don't really care to get rid of. I love the Simpsons, and hip-hop. There's something about both of those that I just find pure joy in. In both cases, I see, here, and enjoy things that most people don't. It seems that the more obscure or "hidden" the things that I find enjoyment, the more joy I find in it. I guess it's that I am such a fan of both that the ordinary just isn't quite good enough. That's sort of bad. I should just enjoy the Simpsons and hip-hop for what they are and stop looking for the obscure. Well, this wasn’t so bad. With this being the first assignment, I guess I'll see you( the psychology web-page) tomorrow .
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Ok so here I am sitting here writing what I am thinking. crap forgot to look at the clock. ook 4:43. kinda took me a while. analog clocks. hey what did the digital clock say to the analog clock? look ma, no hands! yea that is pretty lame but it just popped into my mind. hah I almost wrote pooped into my mind. that would been shitty. does anyone care if I write curse words? because I think in curse words all the time. dammit my eye itches. alrighty that is a little better ok I'm still just writing not really thinking about what I'm writing or at least trying not too because I keep making all kinds of spelling errors. I can type fairly fast but when I do its fairly shitty. I keep making mistakes and having to go back and erase my mistakes so it kinda takes away from my train of thought. or stream of consciousness (sp?) as u call it. I'm not really a psychologist type person. I'm only taking this class because it sounded like the least boring of the 30 or so choices I had. plus I could tell my friends why they are so stupid. or, well, that was my original plan. I don't know now, but it still seems fairly interesting. I'm not trying to kiss ass there like I sometimes do, and am fairly good at by the way, I really think its interesting, for them most part. like the lie detector test. I found out how to beat on of those things. just lie a lot, then tell the truth occasionally and switch it up enough that it confuses the shit outta the machine. and also make sure that the investigator person does not know whether your lying or telling the truth, you know kinda play stupid. lie when you don't need to. tell the truth but make it sound like a lie. convince yourself its a lie even though you know its the truth. heh my foot itches. reminds me of that time in class you were talking about this assignment. whenever you mention this stream of consciousness writing my foot always itches because you had that stupid itch comment. it was not really stupid just annoying and it bugs me and it was annoying. and it still is. hey my typing has gotten somewhat better of the the last few minutes probably because I'm not concentration so much of fixing my mistakes. so you'll just have to live with all my shitty typos so there ha! yoo can't stop me because you just said write what on your mind and what if there are a lot of rtypes in my mind? hihn? huh? what u going to do about that? this charis too low. there we go that is better but now it won't rock. htere fixed that too ok now this is linda wierd because my legds are pusing against the bottom of the desk which sucks because/ I can't lean bakc as much. and my wrists are stargting to get tired because they have nothing to lean on. I have no where for mu wrists theya re ruined! damn my desk for now havign a wrist rest. ok this chari is too high now. and mt arpmits are sweating and I have no idea why. thta happens a lot and I hate it. it makes me look like a nervous fool evcen if I am. ok chair lowered back to where it origicnlly was ok now I'm not even looking at the words I type I'm just staring at my fingers as they type the words and not relallyt thinking about what I'm typeing that sit be interesting to see wat kinda crasyt shit comes of out omy head I know what kind of mistakes I'm makeing but I'm trying tnot tot chrorect thim and now I'm tryinf nor ro ecen hink just let my ifngers flow and let them do the talkjing not me oand now my eytes are closed that is not workingbla bla bla bla bla I'm still writing now how do u like that? ur not even going to read therse are you? I just know it your just doing this for some reason that no one knows yeet but it will be so obvious after u explain it that everyone or at least me will fdeel stupid. u know kinda like that lie detector tesxzt. if u had explained it before then it wouldnt have worked. if I knew how a lie detector test worked then it wouldnt really be that hard to beat. and since u said that they're so accurate, that is making us think that they work all the time so then if we ever get convicted of a crime, or at least on trieal then we'll think that the lie detector works and we won't be able to fool it but then you told ous how it worked and so now we know that is it is not har as accurate as u originally tol us that it would be ok maybe I should just randomyl type letters and see what comes out I'm fsitting here typeing words onto my computer screen and I really doint beel like isttint here typing words I really want to be sleeping of playing counterstaiek or fucking my girldfirend. ytes that last one idont know wny trs last but that sounds really good right now, don't u think. / but you have a wife I'm sure that uve been doing for a long time so it kinda lost its spart me and meagan have been together 2 years and have been fucking for one yea she thot that she would wait till he was married but yea that is just jddidnt turn out and its not like I forced her we just did it one day without really thinking about it and it was good and I'm getting a little hard now just thinking aobut it myabe I shouldnt be tell ing u this shit but hey u asked its ur own fault if u don't like what I'm witing mmm yea that sex sessions sounds really gfood right now I wish she was here. shed kinda bubm tho so she is goin to acc but hopefully she will be smart enough to transger to a good skoo like ut next year and we can get an appartment together and fuck all the fuck we want. that wousld be fun I would like that. come home after a long day of school to come in my woman yea, tat would be nice. are you still following me? hey my roommate just walked in es in his air force unouiform hold on I'm going to explain to him what I'm doing ok no I'm not he didn't ask so he problably does not carel; ill assume he does not care. aww I stopped thinking about meagan and my erection went away now I see what u mean about how himans can just think about a ember of the opposite sex ad get ariysed but then they can be in the same room as them an not be. let me tell u that does not happen that often. the second one that is. us being together and me not wanting to jumop on her. unless we;kre fighting or my friends are around. either of those. ok my roommate is talking on the phone and its kinda distracting me ookk he is done now well I think its beed 20 minutes I just looked at my watch and yteal I think tis 20 minutes, 5:03 ok cya in class oink
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Actually, I am sitting here in the library, wondering how my next four years are going to be. Am I going to excel like I did in high school? or am I going to have an exceptional amount of stress that I will not be able to handle it. I don't know. this whole college thing is so new to me. I just came back from lunch with my roommate and her friends from back home. It's funny because we just had the most bizarre conversation. I just met these guys for the first time and we were talking about how and if one can tell is he or she is in love or not. It's pretty complicated if you really think about it long enough. Sometimes when you meet someone of the opposite you're attracted to them right away. But what really attracts you to that person? Is it the way they smile? The way they simply look at you? what is it really? After it's obvious that the attraction is there you have to move on to the next step. Which, for some people, is the hardest part. It's the whole approaching the person thing. You want to be yourself, but then at the same time you want to do something to impress the person. so you might comb your hair a special way or wear something new. it's the excitement that you like. It's sort of like a sandwich; the bread which is the first step, you the whole chasing thing. the meat is the relationship itself with extreme ups or extreme downs. Finally, the other slice of bread is either the break up or. It's interesting because two individuals may be in love and might not even know it. That's the neat part I think. but how do we know. I wonder if we will ever know because how do you go about finding out. what type of experiments would you do?
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NOTE: Something happened when I was typing this-the words never skipped down to the next line. (Maybe it's supposed to be that way?!) Anyway, my thoughts continue to the right-quite a ways. Sorry for the hassle!! I'm not really sure what this whole assignment is about, but it should be fairly easy for me since I think way too much at times. My thoughts?? I am extremely tired right now. I had a very exhausting weekend and would love to not have classes in the morning. I am doing everything possible to procrastinate and not begin my huge amount of work. I still haven't really gotten in to the whole college thing. I feel like I am in some kind of dream world-like I it's not really me sitting in a college class with 500 other students. Maybe I was spoiled in high school with classes of only a max of 25 and a graduating class of only 140. Our teachers probably babied us with lots of one-on-one attention-which at the time I loved and appreciated. But NOW I am so overwhelmed! I'm now only a number out of hundreds of other kids. I guess this whole experience is a big transition no matter what. Anyway, I hope I am doing this correctly. I have no idea why my computer is laying out my words like this. I hate computers!! We just don’t mix well. I am completely computer illiterate. Sorry if this is taking you longer to read. I am very excited about this psychology class. It happens to be one of my possible majors. Who knows what will happen?! All I know is that I am a people person and a very good listener that would love to be able to help people in anyway I can. I know it is a tough major with tons of schooling, but it really interests me. I just finished talking to a few of my friends from high school on the phone. They all seem so far away. I miss them and all the fun times we shared. I love reminiscing about our memories, especially looking at old pictures. My walls are full of pictures of friends and family and I'm sure by the end of the year you won't be able to tell what color the walls are. I miss my family too.
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I am doing a stream of conscience assignment for pyshcology. Am I suppose to use correct grammar and punctation? I hope not. I still type using one finger, but I think I can type pretty fast foer using one finger. You think since I am using one finger that I wouldn't make any grammatical mistakes but that's not true. Oops am I suppose to time this? Oh, no you time it for me. wow 20 minutes is a long time. I don't even look at the screen when I type. just the keybopard. my hands are tired. my favorite channel is TLC. It's great. Right now a story about conjoined twins are on. My boyfriends is back in plano. my thoughts jump around faster than i can type i don't have any thoughts anymore ihad to turn off the tv all i could do was listen to it maybe that is why i ran out of thoughts maybe that is why people say tv frys (or is it fries?) your brains I don't think tv makes you studpi there are plenty of educational shows my sister learned to read through sesame sttreet, i don't miss my parents much is that bad? It was kind of annoying living at home with them my phone is rinignfg am I allowed to get that i guess i can call them back in like 15 minutes i think it is the guy I met from they gym who was calling. College doesn't feel like its satarted. it still feels like summer fore me. I only have class every other day so its kind of hard getting into tht study mode. am I writing too much. am I suppose to just write a few thoughts as I have them or cointinuously type. I hope its continuosouyl type cause that is what I am doing. Do ya'll actually read this? I wouldn't really want my real stream of consciencce read. Ithink thoughts and emotions are very personal and should only be expressed or shown in needed situations or with a person you trust. What if my real stream of conscience was that I wished somebody would blow up UT ( which it's not I promise). Ya'll would redflag me and secretly watch me, so I don't really like doing this assignment. I don't mind it actually. It's pretty simple and something interesting to do, I guess a way to learn about yourself. I don't like writing much. I use to keep a journal but I was too lazy to write in it all the time. usually when I wrote in it it was when I was pissed off, so everytime I went back and read it it seemed like I was a really angry person all the time. I wantred the journal to be like a memory book. But, if I was feeling any strong emoitons II didn't feel like writing in it. I guess I probably talked on the phone. My cell phone gets horrible reception here. It is hard to talk to my boyfriend back in plano cause he always breaks up. He's not really my boyfriend anymore, but he really is. I don't think that makes sense. Ten more minutes. so. my nails are shiny I'm tired of doing this. I don't get why we are doing this either. If mine is this long and there about 300 people in each class and say there are about 5 classes, that's 1,5000 papers. Nobody probably reads this. It is probably random spot reading if anything so this will get submitted and overlooked so I don't really see a point in this I wonder if everybody has around the same stream of conscience. I bet a lot of people are writing about how they have to do this assignment and they don't see a point to it really. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I wanto to make a lot of money. I was gooing to do psychology but everybody is doing it. 1 out of 3 people I ask are a psychology major. It is very interesting and I loved it in highschool, but future wise there's not much you can do with it as I see it. There is a teacher or a psychologist or maybe a social worker. And if 1 out of 3 people are doing it at UT and there is about 50,000 people, wells that's about 17,000 pyschologists and teachers alone from UT, there is still to mention Tech, and other schools where most people are doing psychology too. I think everyopne should take psychology though. but I think way too many people are majoring in it. Actually, I think majoring in it fine so that way you can get an extensive look at how human nature and the mind functions, but I think that knowledge should be applied to other fields. SO everyone should study pyschology, but not pursue a field in it. I really want to be a person who does case studies on dreams. I think dreams are so interesting. I had a dream about Roseanne the show and that I met the cast. It's really weird. I remebr thinking I should get their autographs so I can put it up on my wall. Sometimes, though, I think people see too much into dreams. I think people on drugs have deep dreams, or maybe they are having reaaly fake dreams. Like their brain is just so confused it is just sending randome imAages. I don't now. I think drugs let ypou tap into another side of your brain. I think they can open your mind. I think drugs like X can open your mind, but I think that you should learn how to open your mind without drugs. I think no one should do drugs on a regular basis. I wonder if a lot of philosophy and psychology teachers have done drugs. I personally think they have one time or another, and if they haven't I wonder what their thoughts and reactions would be like to drugs. Oprah did a show about X users, I only saw part of it. Some of them said that it opened their eyes and that if they were doing their work and had a mental block, the drug would help their thoughts flow. Oprah was still like that's very bad . I guess it is bad, they should learn to let their mind flows without drugs. It's sad if the only was you can open your mind is thru drugs.
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This morning I was late for my calculus discussion class. I was trying to catch up on reading last night and thought I could finish it all at once. I was wrong. I read most of it and finished the rest this afternoon. The stuff I read last night while I was half awake didn't stay in my head. I glanced over those sections this morning, but I don't remember most of it. I think I need to divide my time more wisely because I don't think I will retain anything this way. Since I didn't get enough sleep last night, I tried to take a nap around 2:00 after I got back from my biology discussion. I couldn't fall asleep so I thought I would read Chicken Soup for the College Soul, a book one of my cousins gave me for graduation. I read a funny story about how this one student took intro to psychology and fed his family back home all the new info he learned. He would relate what he learned in class to the simplest situations that happened at home. His parents were a little bit annoyed, but he was trying to apply his learning to everyday life. I liked how it happened to be about what I was studying. Anyway, after that, I shut my eyes and tried to sleep. I don't think I was actually asleep, but I feel less tired now. I guess that was the point of my socalled nap. My brother calls them power naps, but I could never understand that until now. When I was younger, I could fall asleep at any time and still go to bed on time. That has changed. If I sleep during the day, I can't fall asleep as easily at night. I think my nap today wasn't long enough for me to be awake tonight to study, but I'll find that out later. I am going to read some more chemistry and biology. I can't wait. Right now, we are learning the basics, and it's so boring. It's the stuff the teachers in high school just skimmed over because it wasn't as important as other things we needed to learn. Even though my classes used to be an hour and a half in high school, my classes now seem longer. It's odd that I keep looking at my watch. Classes are only fifty minutes, and it feels like forever. Some of my teachers drag on, and it's hard to focused, especially with no sleep. My chemistry teacher stopped in the middle of her lecture to wake someone up. She said that she wouldn't sleep in a cold, uncomfortable auditorium. She would rather sleep in her bed, with a pillow and blanket. She would rather be nice and snug at home. She wanted to know why students choose to come to class and sleep. The professor told the guy to go home and sleep. She wasn't trying to be rude, just telling him what she thought about how comfortable a auditorium was to sleep in. She said that we didn't need to come to class any other day but quiz day so that guy could sleep all he wanted, at home. It was so hilarious. I am sitting here thinking about how many different things I have talked about in about twenty minutes. I changed topics so many times, and this is probably how I talk to people also. I didn't exactly focus on one topic. What I started writing about led to something else, and now I have ended up on a completely different idea.
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i don't know well, why do i start with i don't know? i still don't know, haha. this is kind of fun, just like i'm typing with friends. but anyways, it's gona be a stressful day, or week next week, cause, well, schychology, however u spell that. it's gona be tough, 2 for the price of one, where's my other A then??? hehe. anyways, it's gona be alright. i think anything can be turned into a song, or just regular poems, they r lyrics. all lyrics are is that they have a tone to it, or a beat, or something like that. they are fun, and good way to show off little talent =) well, i guess it's kind of weird, first time when i have to type what i'm thinking off for a grade. what's up with that? and while i'm doing this, i'm thinking what to type, and what not to type, things that's too personal definatly can't be on here, but seriously, who's ever gona read this crap anyways? stream of concious, i'm gona wear my fingers out before some body stop me --Mask. haha. thinking about movies, it's kind of cool, thinking about girlfriend, and all the relationship i've had, which is quite interesting. and now back to school work, i guess. bus. major, tough deal, don't really know what i'm gona do, i really want to travel, make money, ofcourse, can't forget about the girls. but how am i going to succede when there's tons and tons of people just as talented as i am if not smarter??? what advantages do i have??? advantages, intersting. well, i'm smart, a little bit, and thoughtful, not too much of that times to times. adaptive, then whateles? i do love people, still think it's gona take a little time for me to acually get into the social scene. i'm built, have a good sense of humor, like to dance, a little bit of a show off and well. i'm thinking, it's kind of hard to be so complimentary towards self???. is my concious getting me??? haha. never!!! what's concious anyways?? is it the things which never been said out of mouth, but knows deep inside? or is it personal truth of somewhat??? then questions come up, does everyone have a concious??? or is it just me having too much, haha. oh my. i looked up, and i can really type, or i can really think, or i can really think and type at the same time, and i make really terible jokes!!! haha. i laugh at myself, or such confidence yet pockets of insecurities. now i'm thinking, am i revewling too much on this thing? well, again, to emphasis on this point, NO ONE'S EVER GONA READ THIS!!! i do like psch, but never thought it be this way, i think i like philosophy better, yep. but then, it's kind of fun to know how i think, because i'm human, and i'm interested in everything about how it works. well, guess i'll take a break now, then to color, what color do i like? black, it's cool, it's dark, mysterous, and it's just a sense of honor, and sharpness to things. why am i talking so much about myself? am i self centered? am i selfish?? why!!! no. . . i don't want to be like this, i'm not, i refuse to be. . haha. well, why don't i use the rest of times to write a song, it's raining outside my mind suddenly flies across the mountain and over the ocean well, maybe not, only 2 mins left. let's just leave it as that. to sit at my rhe. class, looking at the trees outside, i ask myself, are the branches moving, or is it this building. basically, i'm questioning my own truth, and my belief. or is it just that it's fun to be weird times to times??? but think about it, how do you know that water
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It is 5:24 in the afternoon. I wonder how long 20 minutes really is and how much I can write. time always seems to go by so slow when I’m bored out of my mind. it's too quiet in this room. usually there's people constantly talking, walking in and out, shouting, banging, or anything to cause distraction. you see, I’m in my cousin frank's room. well, we're not really blood cousins, just cousins by marriage- his aunt married my uncle. anyway, he's pretty cool. I hated him when I was a kid. we were in the same Chinese class and he was one of those really annoying, obnoxious boys that always teased the girls. I guess we're pretty close now. it was pretty scary finding out we were cousins, but its fun calling each other that. ugh. I’m so bored. the only noise I hear is the humming of the a/c which is right above the desk. it's hot, and the a. c. 's not cool enough to keep me comfortable. I’m really paranoid about frank's room. he's a pretty messy guy, and someone just came in here complaining that there were fleas in here. yuck. I hate bugs of any shape and size. all I know is that I’m beginning to feel itchy everywhere. man, it's only 5:35 now. about half way through this writing assignment. laddy da dee da. I don't know what to write. the more I sit here, the more impatient I get and the more paranoid I am about these bugs around me. frank lives inside an Asian fraternity house. I’m not trying to say Asians are dirty, but sometimes the guys do get a little lazy. I wish they'd clean up a bit. even right after the clean, it's still a mess. it smells moldy, the lighting is really bad, the air is thick, and it just feels nasty walking in here. I hate taking showers or going to the bathroom here. the dim lights are constantly flickering, the seats are a dingy yellow/brown color, and it stinks like shit. and the one stall that's actually half way decent has no lights in it. I basically take a shower in the dark. and the worst part is that I paranoid about guys walking in and out of the bathroom while I’m in there changing. all the guys here know me and respect my boyfriend, but it's just the thought of guys there. yes. it's 5:41. and frank and my friend Tony just got back. they're starting their own racing crew and just picked up stickers for their cars. mmm. and they brought back food. even though I don't like McDonalds, I always crave it when I smell it. oh well, I’m just gonna eat some since my time's up. yeah!
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Well, I guess this is the first time that I have ever done anything like this. I mean, the first time that I have talked about ANYTHING to anyone. What I'm really thinking about right now is index cards. I need to make flash cards for my Introduction to Medical and Scientific Terminology class, and I don't have any index cards. I feel like I need to complete that task now. Why is it that I must always do EVERYTHING in one day? I just can't ever seem to take my time and relax. I guess if I had any form of OCD, that would be it; I'm a perfectionist who needs to clear her schedule. Now, if I wait until this Stream of Consciousness Writing is over, it'll be like almost eleven thirty at night before I'm done. Should I really go out and get my index cards then? I need like a pack of 200 of them, but I really need more for the future. I guess I could wait to get more index cards when I get home to Houston this weekend, then I would know exactly where to buy them, or I could even get my mom to get them for me in Houston, that would be very convenient for me. I miss my mom most. She does everything for me. Its not that I miss her just because she did everything for me; its just that she is this really great person. She is so genuine. I know she loves me truly because she goes out of her way to make me happy. Why can't I meet more people like that in my life? I hope I marry someone who can take care of me as well as my mom and dad can. Man, I miss my dog, too. I guess I am a little obsessed with my dog, but I can't help it. She is so cute. And she is been there ever since I was like 12. We're inseparable, and I wonder and worry about how she is doing without me. Dogs are great aren't they? They never get angry at you or make you upset. They always are loyal, and give love one hundred percent. I wish that people could be as nice as dogs are. I wish my boyfriend would be happier. He is the main reason why I worry so much of the time. I really never thought it was really possible to cry so much that your eyes get swollen, until I met him. I worry a lot about him, not about our relationship, but about him. I wish he would be happier, treat himself better, love himself more, and feed himself. The man's the pickiest man I have ever met! I have never made one thing that he thought was yummy. I have never taken him to a restaurant that he thought was good. Everything is always decent. " Decent? I know he doesn't mean to be condescending in any way, but it really makes it seem that he is being super condescending. I know that he feels that he wants to enjoy the fine fruits of life; food being one that should be simple to enjoy, but with his ideal of fine food, I don't know if he will ever feel that. That's one thing about psychology. My boyfriend always says what he wants, but he never feels it when I try to give it to him. I believe that he never feels it because somewhere in his head, his innate response to anything I do is a negative one, therefore his response is negative. His mind tells him to not like it and therefore he ends up thinking that he really doesn't like it. It's all in the mind. If he told himself to like it, he would; But the fact of the matter is that he doesn't. All right, I'm going to shut up about him all ready. I think that this writing assignment is pretty cool. It's like writing in an electronic diary, like on the show "Sex and the City," except that these thoughts are really not very private because I guess Professor Pennebaker or one of the TA's is going to read it, but I'm really okay with one of them reading it. It's not like I have anything really vulgar or nasty to say. I'm so full. I don't think I should have eaten all that Kraft Macaronni and Cheese, but hey, on the bright side, its a great source of calcium, which is something that growing women need, so I guess its kind of a good thing. Hahaha. I can't believe that I just tried to justify overeating, at least I don't have to worry about getting fat over it. Nobody in my family is fat or even chubby. I don't think I've gained any weight here because I do so much walking, so who cares if I ate extra macaroni; I used skim milk instead of whole milk, and I added salt to it instead of butter, thus I feel no guilt. Dude, I could really go for a Coke right now. Coca Cola is so good. Its so expensive though, and its so bad for your teeth and kidneys. What makes it taste so good? I think its that bubbly feeling you get in the back of your throat when you drink it; not like that nasty gross Diet Cola. Diet Cola is disgusting. I don't understand why people drink Diet when there's real Cola. I'm sleepy. I don't sleep much here in Austin, because all I do is go to school, and then I come home, eat, and then do homework for the whole rest of the time. It's a bitch. I need my sleep man. I don't get more than 5 hours of sleep at most. I had four freaking classes today! Can you believe that? from 9 in the morning to 5 in the afternoon, I had class. And get this, what really made today bad was that while I was waiting for the bus, a huge, green, black striped, spider was crawling up my shirt and was like two inches away from my face! I thought I was going to DIE! I HATE SPIDERS! If I had any kind of phobia, its spiders. I don't like any bugs, but Spiders are the worst. They're so ugly and creepy and scary. I thought I was really going to cry. It made me so anxious and nervous. I went home and showered. My writing assignment is almost over now. I feel a little bit of relief and a little bit sad at the same time, how pathetic. hahaha. I'm kinda sad because I like writing all my thoughts down, but I'm relieved because I have a lot of other stuff to do still.
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well, I don't really know where to begin. it's my 3rd week of school and I guess it's going okay. my classes are getting harder but I suppose I'm getting into the "rountine" of things. i don't know wether I'll go to the ISA meeting today cause I know what kind of peeps will be there but I am definetely going to the SSA meeting. i think that'll be a really fun club cause of the people that are in it. the social this saturday should be cool. i havne't called mom today so I should do that before I leave for the meeting. on friday, I am finally going to meet this girl that I haven't seen ever since freshman orientation. i have so much stuff to tell her. that's one of the things that I really hate about college. that it's so hard to make plans with people. and that you can only catch them at certain times cause no one's in their room all the time. damn, we have this cricket in our room right now and I don't know where it is. i've tried looking for it so many times but I can't find it. it keeps chirping every now and then, sort of letting us know that it's still there. haha. ti's so annoying cause at night the little thing thinks it's outside so it just chirps away. anyway, what else is going on. i don't really like my calculus class cause everyone in there is really snobby and already attached to their own group of friends. i don't know how that happened and where I was, but whatever. you'd think in a class like calculus there'd be a bunch of nerds, but not at all. i have to go shopping soon. i need one of those wallets with the key chain thingy attached to it. that would make my life so much easier. it's strange how little things can make your day go a lot smoother. like, getting down to the cafeteria right before it closes. or meeting someone after a long time and spending the whole day with them. or getting a call from someone you love. or realizing that you're going to be okay at UT. or getting a good night's rest after a long time. those kinds of things. okay, that was a really weird tangent. anyways, um. got nothing to say. oh, okay. i find it really hard to get on line once I'm at college. i dunno. i just feel like it's a chore to talk to people or write really long letters and I'm sure my friends are getting a little ticked that I'm doing that. but, I just feel like I'm wasting my time on the comp. i really want some grapes right now. i went to HEB yesterday and I got all this fruit. actually, I think I got too much. but anyways, I got the really big maroon seedless ones. oooh, they are the best. i wish they had better shopping places on the drag. either it's too expensive, or the clothes just suck. I feel like going out today cause I don't have a class till one tommorrow. maybe to a nice restaurant or something. well, actually, I'm finding it really hard to make myself do something. like, for examle, I need to mail out the thank you cards for my graduation party, as it is, they are already 3 weeks late. and I just don't have the will to do it. i mean, I see them everyday sitting on top of my desk, but I jsut don't do it. and I have to look at my bills and balance my checkbook and stuff but I hate doing that kind of stuff. i dunno. i guess I'm just getting too lazy. the other day someone accused me of that, and proved it to him by doing something taht I would have ordinarily not done and when I told him about it yesterday. he just said that I did it for me not for him. it didn't really make a difference to him wether I did it or not. and I realized that was true. when you do something out of spite, you're not doing it for anyone else but yourself. i miss my mom. i need to send her a card soon.
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My feet are killing me. Why am I doing this. My feet sting, I think I'm going to put something on them. Those sandals are horrible. I'm never wearing those again. We have to walk all the way back to class in 30 minutes. This song on my computer kicks ass. I can't wait to go to Elements tonight and pick up some tail. That would be nice. I miss her though. But I wonder if she feels the same way about things right now. I have no idea. I always think about this. I don't know what to do. I love her. I want to go clubbing. I want to get really drunk tonight. I can't cheat on her, but is she saying the same thing. We love each other, I know it. I need to get my mind off of that situation right now. I got to start studying more. She studies all the time. Fuck I did it again. Shift your thoughts to something else. Do it. Okay I need to study when we get back from Psychology class. I got to read Chapter 4 in Economics, and read some Art History. After that I need to call Blake, then get ready and go get drunk. I need to wake up early tomorrow to get a job. God I'm so lazy. I can't believe I slept until one today. This writing what's on my mind stuff is pretty weird, its starting to get kind of boring. I wonder if he's even going to read what's on my mind. Well, it doesn't really matter this paper is pretty stupid. I would get kind off scared if I had to read 540 of these papers. I think I'm going to quit writing this assignment now just cause I don't feel like doing it, and I want to test how long it will take for someone to read this. When whoever who's reading this gets to this point, count how many days it has been since September 15,2000. I would like to know how long it has been so please email me at solomon35@mail. utexas. edu. If you would like I got five more minutes to get back to what I'm thinking right now. Right now I'm thinking that I want to get a drink of water, have a snuff, walk to class, sit next to some hot girl, get her number, and take her out tonight. Wow, I think I just answered my question that I was thinking at the beginning of the page, or did I? I'm tired of writing this, it's just making my girlfriend problem worse. I quit.
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I just ate at Miltos with my dad. Why is it that I feel like crying everytime I see him but I could care less about seeing my mom? I guess I've always been a daddy's girl. I am waiting for my roommate, she's kind of helpless. Actually shes extremely helpless. I try to be understanding but shes clueless sometimes. Like hooking her computer up, maybe since my dad works for IBM I have an advantage over other computer-illiterate people but really- red cord matches with red slot, green with green, etc. I feel like I have to take her everywhere with me. For instance, the reason I am waiting on her is because I'm going to my boyfriends house and she wants to come with me. I wouldn't mind except that I don't get to see Ian (boyfriend) very often and when I do she wants to come with me. I feel bad for her, I mean in that she has no car to get around and I do but still I guess I am selfish like that. I am desperate to know why I sometimes want to shot Ian- part of me loves him deeply and the other part wants to shake some sense into him. I guess I should just listen to my brother when he tells me Ian's not the one and I shouldn't stress over it. I know Ian's not Mr. Right but he sure is Mr. Right Now and thats fun too! He's just super inconsiderate. We went to the same high school outside of Austin at Lake Travis, its a 30 minute drive and he NEVER comes to see me, I always have to go see him. Thats not to say he doesnt tell me hes going to come out. He always says sure baby I'll come see you tonight but never follows through. I don't like dating Ian that much I am just paranoid of being alone I guess. (plus TA in psychology class is kind of cute. ) I HATE the singles scene. I wonder why that is, I come from a stable family environment- my parents have been happily married for 20 years yet I find myself falling so hard for every guy I date! Its pathetic. I think that I crave positive attention. See I was always the ugly duckling in middle and early high school, then out of the blue, my junior year, guys started wanting to date me, it was a total shock to me. I guess I grew into my fat cheeks. I desperately seek someone who will tell me I'm beautiful even if I'm not the perfect blonde hair, blue eyed, tan, sorority girl. I often feel as though I was born in the wrong generation. I am so into doing things for yourself and not for others, yet I care deeply about our environment and the human race. I listen to bands who were inspired by the Grateful Dead, and the only time I truly feel like I fit in is when I am at a Widespread Panic or String Cheese concert surrounded by a ton of free-spirits. Everyone is so loving and accepting at those events (partly because they are on so many drugs they don't know the difference but also because they were like me, they were the ones who got teased in middle school. It took me a long time to stop caring what other people think about me. I mean, I take care of myself, I bathe and everything, and I take pride in my own appearance yet I don't let anyone elses opinions guide my decisions. Wow stream of conciousness writing is hurting my fingers. If I get carpal tundral syndrome I know who to blame, pennebaker! Eh I suppose if I was going to get it I would have gotten it a long time ago. I am stuffed. Really wonder if purging isnt so bad after all. Well I think I will save that for when I don't have stiches in my mouth. I just got my wisdom teeth removed. hurt like hell. Actually it hurt worse when they were growing in, the first week of college.
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I sure am glad to get this out of the way. I really enjoy all of my new classes but by math Professor is really hard to understand. I miss Jenny so much and ca not wait until this weekend when I get to see her. This typing stuff and I don't get along very well but thatÕs why I have voice activated word processor. I talk and it types everything that I pronounce. I really don't think that fifteen hours on the first semester of school was a very good idea. I have absolutely no free time. I have PHL, PSY and RHE so I am reading all the time. At least I have a few good friends in most of my classes. I need to get my head back in school though because right now it is still in summer. All the information I receive in lectures simply goes in one ear and out the other. I hope my Mom is doing better. I left her alone all by herself when I moved to college. Wow, this is a really elementary level paragraph, Ehh, O well. So I wonder if its true that guys can blank out and be thinking about nothing, no literally nothing and girls always have thoughts flying through their heads. If itÕs true the girls papers should be some what longer than the guys unless of course the girl cannot type very well (like me). I really wish I could decide on a major soon but if not I know everything will be just fine. The only thing I would like to have more of is free time. I have no free time to get my mind off of the books. Hopefully that will come soon. IÕm getting pretty tired of riding the capital metro to and from school I really need to see about a dorm room for next semester but for sure next year. I feel like I am writing diary or something, actually it's quite relaxing and stress relieving. I need to see about going to my chem. and math's professorÕs office hours. Well IÕm thinking so hard on what to write about that I am drawing a blank, I think its the small amount of sleep I have been acquiring. I wonder if my cars AC will be fixed tomorrow like they said but then again they said it would be today and I'm still with out a car. It's very hard not to use IM language on this and abbreviate everything. By the way I suck at spelling so sorry if anyone reads this other than me. I wonder what all the goop is inside my lava lamp is made of? I don't know but I do know that my Chem. professor wouldn't know because he have a hard enough time trying to teach my class of 500 the chemistry basics. Sweet it's already over, man that was fast, too bad it's not like that in class.
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I am thinking about my roommate who got the wrong book for his Japanese class and didn't realize it till he tried to do his homework last night, he had to get up this morning and drive to get the book and try to do the four pages in the book that were assigned for homework before class started. He is crazy, he and I always get into trouble like that. We've known each other since elementary school and have had some great times. One time I remember we were studying for a chemistry test our sophomore year in high school, it was really late so we decided to go to the store and get some jolt cola to help us stay awake. I ended up backing my truck into the ditch in front of the store and we were stuck. We sat there forever trying to get my truck out of the ditch and then finally I called another one of my friends who had a four runner. He took us to Wal-Mart and we bought a tow strap. We went back to the ditch and hooked our two cars up together. He then tried to pull my truck out and his tires just spun around and around. So I had to accelerate and my roommate had to push my truck from behind, by the time we got my truck out of the ditch it was like 2 so we were way to tired to study, so we went to bed and failed the chemistry test. I ended getting a 79. 4 in chemistry and being moved to the academic class because of 1/10 of a point. If it was for my roommate coming up with the great idea of going to get jolt cola in the middle of the night I might have been able to stay in chemistry honors, but even if that was the case I would much rather have that memory than an extra point on my high school gpa. My roommate and I now live in a two story townhouse that is 1180 square feet. We got a really good deal on it because the week before school started the apartment complex we preleased with called and said that had no apartments left for us even though we preleased 4 months ago. We had to drive to Austin and look for a new place that weekend and while we were here we stopped by the leasing office and talked to the people there, they said that someone cancelled on a townhouse and that since we had to go through all this trouble we could have it for almost the same price we were going to pay for and apartment about 3/4 the size. We got so excited and I am really glad things worked out like they did because I don't think I could live in a small apartment cause I need a lot of space or I go crazy too much space makes me crazy too but only when there is no one to share it with. But our townhouse is just the right size and its nicely furnished because both of my parents have been divorced and remarried so there is a lot of furniture that no one uses, so I got some pretty nice stuff. There aren't many decorations in the townhouse but there are lots of dishes and silverware. I took my stepmom's couches which really surprised me because I didn't think that she would let me have them because sometimes she is strange but I guess she can be pretty understanding sometimes. I used to hate her but now I realize that she really does want the best for me and only gets frustrated cause she raised her kids differently than my dad raised me.
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Well writing really isn't my best ior favorite thing to do but i guess it doesn't matter when you are paying to take your classe huh??? anyway when i write i seem to easily get destracted and then it just makes the time go by alot slower whicch in turn makes it really boring. Well that is why i don't like writtin and when i first heard that we were going to have to do it for twenty minutes i felt sick to my stomach. well enough of that next. . . Lets see. . are you sure that this is confidential, well if it is then i guess it is ok, i mean this is UT (the greatest school in the world),me and my girlfriend have our anniversary tonight, we have been together for two years as of today. that is the longest that i have ever been with someone, i guess i can talk about my girlfriend because she is the only thing that i can talk about for 20 minutes, or at least i hope that i can. well in june of 2000 this girl called me and asked how i was. ididn't recognize her voice so i was trying to play it off until she gave me a clue as to who she was. Then she asked how my summer was going and i said fine and asked her the same thing. Then she asked me if i was running like coach told us to do over the summer, so then i knew that she was a track girl. I then could eliminate quite a few considdering that most of the track girls were gorgeuos(<--spelling) and probably wouldn't have anything to do with me. You see i have alot of piopular friend, i mean played football and ran track for 6 years all the way from seventh grade to my senior year. Now i was never REALLY good at either one but i could hold my own, but i guess since i wasn't one of the star ath;etes that i was not very popular in turn myself. So, bvack to the story which hopfully makes this writing alot easier. So i had narrowed it down to about five and then she told me that she got my number from her yearbook that i signed, and i onlyremember signing one girls yearbook on the track team. So i gave it a shot aand asked her so what about you Rebecca are you running? she answered yes and then i knew thatr it was her. Now Rebecca is just like me very athletic and have alot of friends that are popular but we are not popular our-selves. so we talked for a while and then i had to go because i was going to eat dinner. so she called me a couple of days later and saying that her and her b/f weren't getting along becase he was in corpus cristi at a tennis camp ((what a geeeeeeeeeeek) but i guess that i am a geek also)and would never talk to her. so, to make a long story short, they broke up and then on september 12, 2000 is when we officially started to be together and here we are today the rest is just history but honestly i am not the type of guy who thinks about love at first sight and knowing that you want to spend the rest of your liofe with someone but i reall do love her and i can't really see myself without her and she has told me the same. Man is thing almost ove, oh it is well thanks for listining
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I am feeling a little hungry right now. What should I do? Go to Jester, go out to eat, make something here in the dorm. Maybe I should just go to the Union. Lets see, I will change clothes and go shower or something. I'll get my comb and toothbrush and go to the restroom. What do I wear to go out tonight? I think I will wear my white Polo shirt and my black shorts. No I'll wear my khaki shorts and my white tennis shoes. I can't stay out to long since I have so much homework to do. The entire English rough draft to do, my pre-calculus, and all my psychology reading to do. Man, I feel sleepy, guess I should have gone to bed early last night instead of watching Letterman and Leno. Maybe I'll just come back and sleep after my biology class tomorrow. I wonder what is on T. V. right now. It's mostly just the news. Good! Entertainment Tonight is on now. Hope it's a good show. Let me start washing up and changing my clothes for supper. I don't think it will rain again so I guess I don't need my umbrella tonight. I wonder how much I will have to do tomorrow. I still need to go draw my tickets for the Longhorn game on Saturday. I hope the seats are better than last time.
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okay well I have 20 minutes to write this paper well isn't that exciting. I believe I’m the worst speller and typer in the world. it seems like this is a really long page anyway I just wrote to my friend marissa who goes to southwest and I was going to write my friend Jamie who I meet this summer at work but I was stupid and didn't get her email address of the letter she sent me and erased so now I can't write her, she probably thinks I’m the biggest bitch right now . I wonder if you all actually read these and analyze them . I want to go into criminal psychology because I think it sounds very interesting and believe it would be good for me when I try and get into the FBI I hope I can get into it. what if they turn me down. then I’ll have worked all these years for it and gotten nothing from it . I think I will get in though . You know what I hate is when your hands get on the wrong keys on the key board and if your not watching you can write three sentence all messed up because of one little misplacement of the hand . I really hope you all don't read these because mine is kind of silly. anyway I slept for a long time today and I still feel tired I think if you sleep to much it makes you more tired, that's just my theory. It seems like I've been at this computer for ever because the note I wrote to my friend Marissa was really long and I’m not that fast of a writer. When you stare at I computer screen real long it seems like your in a trance just like when you watch t. v. you just totally can veg out. a girl just poked her head in the door. I’m down in the computer lab right now because I don't have a computer and the one my room mate has doesn't have the Ethernet set and she's hooked up to America on-line so I can't use my password to log on so I have to come down here. I really want a t. v. in my room. I know it is such a trivial thing but sometimes it's just nice to come home and relax and watch some t. v. Noelle said she was going to get one before we came down but now she doesn't want to spend the money on it and my parents and I don't have the money so we are just stuck with out a t. v. It's okay though I'm sure it's better for me. the only thing is I don't know when anything is going on . I need to find out about the ani dafranco concert for Jacob I just don't know who to ask or where to look. anyway about the t. v. I don't get a newspaper and the daily Texan doesn't tell you every thing that's going on around the world. so a t. v. would be helpful so I could watch the news. well my mind just went blank and I have nothing to talk about. I love to people watch , it's cool to see the way different people act. That's why I think psychology would be interesting. I like to know how people tick. I hope me and Shawnee stay best friends through out the year because I really want her to move down here next year, but when I went home last weekend I don't know if she had fun with me or not. oh well I won't worry about because what ever happens will happen. I’m sure it will all work out for the best what ever it is. my 20 minutes is up now so I’m going back to my room . so long.
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I feel stressed,tired and kind of anxcious like I have so much to do and not enough time to do it in. I am wondering what I really want to do in life and if I will be successful in life. I wonder how I will do in school and if I will make it through four years of school. I am thinking of my boyfriend, he goes to prarie view a&m and I miss him a lot. I wonder what he is up tp right now and I want to talk to him because I miss him. I am thinking how sleepy I am and how much I want to go to sleep. I am trying to work and think of all the other things I still need to. I miss my other friends and I am wondering if they are having as much stress as I am. I really want to go to bed but every night that I go to bed I feel like I have a lot to do that I have not yet finished. I have a lot going through my mind and it confuses me because sometimes I think I don't now what I really want out of life. I get very afraid that I will not succeed in life. I want to make my parents proud and happy but I also want to be happy myself but I am not totally sure what I really want out of life. I always thinl about how I don't want to be a dissapointment. I don't want to fail but I don't know if I am strong enough to succeed.
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I don't really understand. I am supposed to track my thoughts and feelings? Write about anything as long as it is for twenty minutes? OK. I kind of miss my old life at home, but I was so looking forward to moving on to other things. I have a friend that just went into the Army last month and I will never see him again. Other friends have gone off to college and moved away. Life is starting to change a great deal. I work for a company called Vector selling Cutco, or at least I did this summer, and we had conventions every now and then. I would always make friends from around the country, but end up never seeing them again. People don't keep in touch with each other like they should. I try to stay in touch with my friends and people that I meet. It is often difficult, though. I don't know. I am really thirsty right now. I was thinking of going up to my room first to get a drink, but I didn't figure they would let you bring drinks in here, and I didn't want to wait to get this done. I have waited long enough. I need to stop putting things off. I need to get things done. I guess it is just lack of motivation. Well that and lack of a computer. This is the first time I have been in the computer lab here at Jester. I am really thirsty and my throat is dry. I need to get this e-mail thing worked out. I haven't tried to use it yet. I might do that when I am finished with this. I wish that things could be the way they were, but then I don't. You know how sometimes something happens and you just want to freeze that moment in time and never leave. That has happened to me recently. Not since I have been at UT, but before, when I was with my friends. I like to spend time with my friends because they make me feel comfortable. I like to be around them because it is just very uplifting. My arm is starting to get tired because I don't have the right kind of writing area. It is uncomfortable in here. I need to go get a drink, but I still have a lot of time to keep writing, so I won't. I wish I had a computer so I could get things done on my own time. Life would be a whole lot easier, I think. I think I should go home and see my dog before the neighbors try to steal him again. If I don't pay enough attention to him he goes to stay at the neighbors house. They decided one day that they liked him and they were just going to keep him. They tried to give me an ultimatum (I don't know how to spell that word). They said that if I didn't give them the dog, then they did not want him at their house anymore, but if I didn't want the dog they would take him. The whole situation didn't make any sense to me, but what do I know. I don't think that they had the right to ask for my dog. He is MY dog. Whatever. Needless to say, I didn't give them the dog, but I got him fixed and had to tie him up for a while. He eventually learned that he had to stay at home, or at least near our house if he didn't want to be tied up. It rained yesterday for the first time in a long while. It didn't rain much, though. I missed most of the lightning the other night because I don't have a real window in my room. It is just like a quarter of a window and it gives me the feeling that I am in a dungeon. I hate my room. I wanted to get a plant, but then I realized that there wouldn't be enough light to keep it alive, so I axed that idea. I wish there would be a big storm because I like to watch the storms. The lightning, thunder, rain, and winds are really relaxing. My parents are building a house, but it is taking them forever. Anyway, you can sit on the back porch of the house and watch the rain. It is very nice. My friends Kate, Abby, and Alana are at Southwest and I was just thinking about Kate's yard and how nice it is. I bet it is really nice out there after it rains. The other night I watched a meteor shower and that was really beautiful. I like to look at the stars, but I dropped Astronomy because everyone said that it was really hard and that all it was a lot of math like distances to stars. I didn't feel like taking a math class so now I am taking Physical Anthropology. I don't know. My twenty minutes is up now so I am going to quit writing and submit this because I am sure it is really boring anyway. I feel sorry for whoever has to read this. My wrist hurts. Ha.
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ben stiller and his movies crack me up I wish I was up stairs watching it right now and not writing for 20 minutes on what is on my mind but maybe this way I will tap into my subconscious or something my girlfriend is not answering her phone but she always does I wonder what she is doing. I'm happy that I'm going to dallas to see her but last night she was making me mad by hanging around other guys and at all these parties. I like ut but I think I would have a much better time at smu with her, not only would I be with her a lot more but I like the school better and its not so overwhelming and is a lot smaller. I feel bad for lying to her the other night about having our neighbors, some girls over, but whatever I mean she goes over to guys apts to hang out and I mean since I'm the dominant male figure I guess that inviting girls over means that you like them or something. whatever it just does not register right, I mean like its cool for her to go to a guys apt, but its not for me to have chicks over, like that is not fair and Its not like I like any of these girls its just that I want to be social and have girls as friends just as much as she does. you know its weird that I have these feelings but I almost feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her. she is fun witty sexy as hell blonde rich great person in her heart and I think everything that a guy would want, although she has great things about her there is also some downsides. like in party situations I always find her wondering off and talking to her friends and when I come up to her she acts almost as if she does not know me. is she ashamed? I don't think so but it could seem that way to others. but maybe its because I do it to, I mean when I'm at a party I like to be with my friends to so I guess were both guilty. damn that movie meet the parents is funny and I want to go watch it badly and I have only typed for 10 min, o well halfway done. so its like the glass is half full not half empty because I am a positive, optimist. I like the new book jarrett gave me. sometimes I'm just real un positve about things and a book on being positive can help me out in life and with school. this interview or presentation I went to last night for this sales company was pretty cool I think I could potentially make some money doing it but as I sat there and listened to this over-energetic guy talk about oh yea you can make all this money and blah blah blah I thought to myself this is just one of those get rich quick schemes because at the end of this thing you pay 50 for a application and some of there products, what company just lets you sit through a presentation and BAM you got the job. jarrest going to do it so I think since he has been successful in his endeavors with business and sales I think hey why not give it a try what is the worst that can happen. Bud sounds good right now although I have not smoked in a while I wonder why, I guess its cause I act different when I'm stoned and maybe I don't like it, I like to get high after I workout cause for some reason it feels good and makes me feel as if I'm not just a lazy pothead, is pennebaker going to care that I'm talking about this? o well that is what is on my mind so take it or leave it jk. yea I'm almost done with this , I thought this was going to be a formal paper with research and stuff but what a badass assignment, I think I'm going to like this teacher unlike my eco teacher Wolitz I can't stand her ugly face and bad teaching I just don't like her you know just one of those ppl. I bombed her test today to because she is boring and does not make the class want to learn anything.
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Mondays are not the most exciting days in my weekly schedule at UT. I have a Calculus II T. A. session at 8 am. then comes a three hour gap before my next T. A. session, which is for biology 211. (I have just returned from that class) The T. A. started the class saying that for most people this class will be easy. By the end of the session he was telling us that the class will be quite difficult. I was quite amused by this irony. After the previous statement i took a quiz over chapter one that i had studied quite a bit for so i am quite confident that i did well. There were, however, a few challenging questions that i answered correctly. My next class will be psychology 301. The class is interesting, but i'm not sure i would be taking it if it wasn't a degree requirement. However, after reading parts of the text, i DO feel intrigued by the amount of information available through pyschology. In my dorm room, i have a clock that has a quartz timer. so it makes a rather loud clicking noise every second. Having a background in music, i tend to want to move (tap my foot or snap my fingers) along with the ceaseless clicking of the clock. This poses a problem when i am trying to fall asleep. I have trouble falling asleep everynight because i can't stop thinking. I seem to be unable to quite down my mind. Eventually i do fall asleep and have to wake up SO early for my 8 am classes monday through thursday. Last night i did laundary for the very first time completely on my own. I was anxious not having my mother right around the corner to ask if this shirt was for the light or dark load. While i was in the laundromat a few people had used WAY too much detergent and the window into their washing machine was FILLED with bubbles! One of the guys there tried to justify it by saying that some of his clothes had stains on them and he thought adding more detergent would help aleviate the stains. On the contrary, i think it was his first time EVER doing his own laundary. It was quite a humorous situation. My clothes miraculously came out of the dryer unmamed and very clean. I was happy that the first time went on without any hinderences. I am currently worried for one of my closest friends back in Houston. Her name's stephanie and i think she is a wonderul girl and a phenomenal person. She is an only child and so her parent push her very hard to achieve good grades and such in school. She has a B at the progress report time and her parents have grounded her until she pulls her grades up. I keep her close to my heart through prayer and i also have pictures of her on my wall to keep my company when i am lonely. I can't wait until she comes to college and i can hang out with her more often. Many of my friends party often. Not necessarily drinking all the time, but they often do drink. I have yet to go to a party in the university. I hear about date rapes and terrible things like that which frighten me, so i try to stray from any parties like those. My roommate is a member of the Christians on Campus here at the university and i attended one of their meetings (welcome dinners). I must admit that at first i felt very welcome to the organization. I told a few of my close friends back in Houston that i was becoming involved in that organization. However, they told me that they had heard it was a cultish organization and that i should not become involved in such an organization. I looked up some literature about the organization and i was quite worried about being involved in such an organization. I took a quick nap today between my 8 am and 12 pm classes. Right now there are fire inspections going on at the dorm. I usually don't dream at all, but i did dream during this nap. I dreamnt that on three different occasions the fire inspectors came to Leroy's and my dorm room. On each occasion they found a violations (of course none of these existed, but were all fabrications of my dreams).
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I really don't know what to say. I am just doing some assignment for the Psychology class. It is an interesting class, yes, and I am happy to be in it. I am now looking at my pencil. This pencil has been with me for about a year and I still have not lost it. I usually loose these pens and pencils within 3 or 4 weeks. My roommate just picked up the phone and started talking to a friend of mine. It seems that Texas just won the football game. I am happy to hear that. Again I am thinking what am I going to write for this assignment. Yes, I can type pretty fast but to write for 20 minutes, I really don't know what I will be saying?! I am a junior by hours at UT but I am actually a sophomore in electrical engineering. I work as a grader for EE316 class and I really like doing the job. Only thing is, I hate failing students but what can I do? If I don't, they will fail the other chapters to come. My roommate is laughing right now and distracting my thoughts from this assignment! Oh, well! I hope my friend who is studying in the library does not call me right now while I am doing this work. My friend and I are supposed to go and eat at Dobie soon. I really hope he does not interrupt me. I am feeling hungry now and I am getting tired for typing for a long time even though only about 10 minutes have passed. I wish the food was better for me to eat at the cafeteria. Unfortunately, the food is not great. My friend just called me but I am continuing writing. I told him to call me back in 15 minutes. Hopefully, I will be finished with this assignment. I can hear the conversation between my roommate and one of my friends over the phone. They are talking about going to 6th street. I probably would like to go but I think I need to call my brother and sister today. Anyway, that is life and I need to do all this work. I am really tired and now, my thoughts just don't flow anymore. I hear the bathroom toilet flush in the community bathroom. The room is suddenly cold and I wish I wasn't wearing shorts. Oh well. now what. I wish work was just bla bla bla and a whole lot of rubbish. However, it is not that easy. I want to get this assignment done with. Why wasn't it 10 minutes instead of 20 minutes? I wonder what the results of this experiment are going to be? What are they going to help with? I am really hungry and the only thing that is stopping me is this work. Please finish, please finish. a door just slammed because someone closed it hard. I wonder why. anyway, I am tired now. I don't want to write a research report for Psychology but I also don't want the experimentation in psychology to take a lot of time for me. I think I will stick with the experiments. I love being a grader in EE316. People look up to me but I have to remember to be humble to them because they are also human beings who are just as intelligent as me and they are all good people. I wish I could see my parents, my brother and sister right now. Unfortunately, I can't since I am an international student. I wonder how my friends from high school are doing. I hope they are doing well. Oh well, I have to go. Is it time, yet? Let me check. phone rings. Greg called my roommate. a cool guy. I have to do something right now. it seems both my roommate and Greg went to the same party yesterday and had good fun. Come on finish up. yes it is done. Thank you. my hands are really tired. Bye and thank you
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Well, I'm 18 years old now and I'm in college. So far it has been kind of boring really and I still have not received my math book so that kind of ruins everything. Ok not everything but it's not a good thing and wow 20 minutes is a long time. I want to watch this show on television but I guess I won't so let's see what else I am thinking. The dryer is kind of loud and only 2 minutes have passed since I've been typing nonsense. School is also exhausting. I take naps like everyday and you know I actually like writing about nothing because why? Hmm. Well, because I'm not stuck with a certain topic and I just have to decide what to write about. I would talk about smell but there is nothing exquisite in the air right now if that makes any sense. However, about 1 hour ago I was eating meatloaf that my brother made and it was pretty good but now I'm hungry again because I didn't have much to eat. So I'm thinking of going to Starbucks and getting some delicious Mocha Frappucino. Is that spelt with 1 or 2 "c's". Anyways before I go to Starbucks I may go to the weight room hopefully not the one at UT because I may still have other assignments to attend to and UT is too far of a distance. Man I wonder what time Starbucks is closed. I also want some ice cream. I sure hope that I don't gain the Freshman 15 because that would really suck. I hope that doesn't offend whomever has to read this because I didn't mean to. I sure hope that I learn to manage my time later on or sooner actually. My throat or something hurts and I wish that I could just sleep all day. I hate some of my classes and I hate being in the Gateway Program. It's alright but not what I expected. I definitely didn't expect to take a class for that program but I am stuck in the most boring of boring classrooms. I feel like what am I doing there and can I get out of the program without hurting the Coordinator? Also, when should I try to get out of the program? 6 more minutes to go. what to talk about? what to talk about? Oh yeah, I had a fever last week and I hope that I don't get sick again this year. Another thing about the Gateway program is that I have to go to some social events and that takes time out of my life. I definitely don't know what to do. They like helped me register or whatever and I have to wait 3 hours and 30 minutes on MWF before my last class on those days which is Psychology and I have no idea what to do during that time and I tend to feel drowsy or sleepy during that class. Sorry. 2 more minutes. I'm looking at this sheet and I have no idea what to do with my UT email address and how to get into it. Does that make me dumb? I wonder if I'm even going to get a response for that question. yeah 9 more seconds.
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Ah, this is frustrating. Seems like I have lost the touch. After all, college is nothing like high school. I'm a mess; I can't pick the beat. Somehow, I've fallen behind in my life. Pretty much I got to do everything on my own, whereas it used to be people telling me what to do and when to do anything. There was always someone, could be the teacher or mom, constantly laying out the path I should take. Now, it's all up to me now. No one can really help. It's my life. Is this how adulthood feels like? Perhaps, that's just simply a childish question, silly. I can't see what's in front of me, just a big blur, a bit gray. Once again, I want to stay as a kid. Couple of years ago, our English teacher asked us to write a little journal, "What age would you stay at, if you get to choose?" Back then, I thought, "Hey, I am going to go through every phase. That's the experience of life; that's the fun. " Now, it doesn't feel so fun. Aw, sitting alone in a class of 500 people doesn't seem fun to me. It's funny that I don't have much people to talk to in real life, but there are people online wanting to chat with me, all those high school friends. Somehow they managed to stay 24 hours and 7 days online without much difficulty. I talked to one of them last night, just to keep me awake while I tried to figure my calculus homework. He is quite sociable; I suppose. That reminds me my close friend once called me an antisocialist. Not that I don't want to interact with people. It's just that they weren't the exact right people I want to share my inner self with. And again, I've only found one person I share almost all my thoughts with. I remember in elementary school, I used to walk home with my best friend. We wouldn't feel awkward or funny even if we didn't talk or make some noise on the way home. It felt secured. But ever since we moved to US, everything changed. No one here holds the same principle I do; I couldn't outpour what I think inside to those people who think my thinking is so odd, and supposedly weird. I still talked to everyone who wanted to chat with me; I just tell them what I really think inside. I made general comments about whatever they said. This close friend who called me an antisocialist actually talked to me on the phone for almost every night for a couple of years. Even he called me that. I suppose he never reached inside of me; my best friend thinks I talk too much. Funny how both talk to me the equal amount, but they hold the opposite views of me.
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That is what I feel I should do first, is give you my social security number to make sure I get the grade for this assignment. Good thing this assignment is based on completion because at the rate I type I do not type much in the time span of twenty minutes. I guess since just in my class alone there is on estimate 550 students in there all of which will be turning this assignment in this week sometime, it makes it practically impossible for you to read through everyone's writing even with the help of your teacher's assistance. You never really think about how many thinks and thoughts run through your mind in just the coarse of a few minutes. Your class schedule for that day, what assignments you need to get done, people you want to hangout with, and even the decision of if you want to do any of these things will cross your mind on a normal day of class with out you really even notice yourself thinking about these things. Baseball has been on my mind for the last few days especially. I have been trying to decide if I wish to play of the Longhorn Club Baseball teams. While on this Thursday I have a tryout for the University of Texas Baseball Team. I guess I figure that I will see how the tryouts go for me on Thursday and make my decision. I really want to play for the UT baseball team but if that does not workout then the Longhorn Club team will be the next best thing. I honestly have a good feeling about my talent and the way the coach sounded on having a good opportunity on making the team as a walkon. Right now just thinking about it gives me a adrenaline rush. Just think if I made it how exciting every game would be. It is a trill just watching a football game just think about it if all those people are in the stands and your apart of the team! Well my time is up so have a nice day. Travis Johnson
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Wow, I haven' sat down and typed for 20 minutes in a long time. I guess we will see how it goes. The first thing on my mind is how great living in an apartment is. I love not having to deal with anyone such as parents, siblings etc. The main benefit to this is being to sleep late. Today I woke up at about 1 p. M. and didn't hear anyone tyring to wake me up like when I am back home. Anyways, life seems to be treating me preety well right now. I still miss my girlfriend, but I try not worry about it. I had become too dependent on her and I think I lost a sense of myself a little bit. Now I have plently of time to find myself again. The football game this week was a waste of time. I left in the second quarter when it was 33-0 because the sun was beating down right on my section and it sucked all energy I had right out of me. But, we won, so I'm not going to complain about that anymore. I just looked at the clock for the first time and its only at 6 minutes. It feels like I've been writing almost 20 m,inutes already. I bet its because I'm still tired. After this I'm going back to sleep for 2 or 3 hours and then I'll wake up and do some laundry. I hate laundry,but I guess it has to be done. I've let it pile up like and idiot and I probaly have 3 or 4 loads to do today. Let's see, the three day weekend was great, and what makes it even better is there's only 4 days of school until the next weekend. The more I think about the nap I'm about to take, the more drowsy I get. I absolutley love naps. There's honestly only a few things better than being able to sleep whenever you fell like it. The best time to take a nap is when you hae nothing to do and need to pass some time. Like after this. I know that's probaly not the best mentality to get the most out of life,but its not the worst. If I need to stay up, its no problem. In fact I'm tempted to just hit finish, go sleep and come back and do this but that would be just plain stupid. My apartment is a mess right now, but I cleaned the other day and my roommate had friends over last night, so its his turn to do some cleaning. I'm looking forward to some cold weather, because I can't stand sweating when I walk to class, which is what has happened about every day. Ok, four more minutes. I could do this all day and I'm sure eventually I would say or at least of something useful or interesting but I don't think its going to happen in the next 4 minutes. It sure as hell didn't happend in the last 16. But that's okay, because someone doing assignment is writing a great paper. In high school we had a english that made us do this kind of writing. Except we had to do it 4 times a week for a month. We were studying transcendenlism(sp?) which I personally is all b. S. Anyway we were supposed to find a quiet place in nature, go there every time a write for 20 minutes. I didn't go to my place one time and made up the entire project the night before. My grade:95.
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I'm feeling a little tired right now. I usually don't suffer from severe lack of sleep as I have this weekend. It's pretty interesting the way it affects my ability to concentrate. I feel like I don't read as well or communicate ideas as well. This is really a weird assignment but I feel like I would be taking the easy way out if I were to sit here and dwell on that for twenty minutes so here goes. Someone is tapping on a table or something in the next room. I hate it when people make a big ruckus doing something like that and then they can't even keep a beat. Something I think is interesting is the way people can become dependent on new technology in a matter of months. When my roommate and I first moved here to Austin we didn't have e-mail capabilities at first and I felt completely cut off from the outside world. I was so relieved when we were finally back online. I just figured out what that tapping was. It's my roommate playing electric bass but it's not plugged in so there isn't much pitch distinction. Like I always say: bass should be felt not heard. Speaking of my roommate, everyone has told me that it's a bad idea to live with a friend at college and I think they were right. It's not that I don't like the guy. It's just that his annoying traits got magnified tenfold as soon as we moved into a 15 foot by 8 foot room. Some friends came down from my hometown this weekend. Their visit made me realize that as soon as I left for college, everything changed. Most of my relationships with people have been faded a little by the move and I'm sure it's an ongoing process. There are a couple of people, however that I actually feel closer too and surprisingly they're not here in Austin with me. I'm still trying to understand that. I guess when you're separated from people by large distances, you kind of sort things out in your head and figure out who and what is important. It's like post traumatic prioritizing. Ok, I think I've said what needed (or didn't need) to be said.
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I am thinking about a lot of things right now. I just got off of work a little while ago and just ate dinner. It was really good. I really like my nails that I just got done today and I notice they look really nice as I am typing. I hope I can do okay in college. This first week seemed pretty hard and it kind of scared me. I hope it gets easier. I am thinking about how I am going to arrange my experiments and where they are located. I had a really boring time at work today. I work with a guy that goes to Southest Texas State University and he is about to graduate. We have been talking about college alot lately and he has helped me. I have a boyfriend named Trent. I have been with him for 2 years. I am off of work tomorrow which is good that I get a brak. I just got paid this weekend and I like getting paid. I am stuck and I don't know what to write about. Thins is a really good assignment though. I like doing stuff like this. 20 minutes is a long time though and I hope my computer doesn't kick me off the internet becasue it sometimes does that. I am so full right now. I had a coney from Sonic and I don't think I am going to eat for a whole week. I am so fat. Ever since mid way through high school, I have been fat. Being with Trent has made me even more fat because we eat out a lot. He has gained a lot of weight also. I love him so much and I think about him all the time. I can't wait to get through college, marry hima dn start our family. We have a lot in common and we even want the same kind of kids, you know the genders in a certain order. Well I am running low on thoughts. I can't seem to think of anything clearly when I need to most, like right now. I have done these things before, like I have said, but they have only been for 5 minutes at the most. I really like the idea of going to UT but it is going to be a major challenge. I see that it will take a lot of dedication to myself. I am planning on majoring in nursing. I really didn't know what I wanted to do and nursing seemed like it was good enough and I could still go to UT. I looked at all the positive things it had and right now in this day and age, nursing is very beneficial and can be done almost anywhere, not that I want to leave Texas. I can't wait until my dad starts treating me like I am an adul since I am legally now. I wish he would let go. He says he is trying to work on it but he needs to do it faster. He needs to treat me like the 18 year old college girl that I am. He won't let me be as independent as I want to be. I don't know what else I can do to prove to him that I am raised and I can take it from here, just not quite financially. My fingers are starting to get cramped. I am getting really tired and the time is going to be up soon. I am going to look around a little bit more at my class web pages then I am going to lay down and go to sleepI miss dancing. I may not have been the best at it but I miss it from high school. Maybe eventually I will get into something at UT if I am good enough. Of course I need to loose a little bit of weight. I would like oto take one of the excersize classes since I can't afford to join a gym. I am discovering that I don't like my car as much as I did and I think I want something a little more sportier and maybe faster.
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Annoyance is about the only word I can think of at this moment to describe how I feel. Today has been awful. Why doesn't anything ever work out the way I wish it would? Everything I needed to accomplish today has been a filure> I can't find a job because I can't get on a computer because me UTeId is all out of wack. I miss my friends back home and I miss being a part of my family. They just seem to go on so wonderfully without me. I guess I am the one who wanted to move out and be independent, but it'd be nice to know they all still care about me and are concerned with how I'm doing. It's so hard being so alone all the time. I wish I were making more friends. I wish I would join an organization or I wish I had rushed. Maybe life would be more fun if I were in a Sorority. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for college. I want to be grown up and finished with college and heve my career so badly. I'm tired of just meandering around with no real purposee in my life. I want to start my real life, and I know this can't be it because I'm not happy with it. I want to fall in love and marry and have a family and a meaningful job. I just needsome meaning in my life. I don't know what I'm here for. I know what I want to do with my life, but time is getting in my way and I'm angry because of it. And I'm hungry; physically and metaphorically speaking. this cannot be the way college will be forever. It's so much worse thatn High school. It's so big. It intimidates me to think that there are more poeple on the Ut campus thatn live in my home town. I have a class that has twice as many pople than I graduated with in it. It's a real shock. It's traumatizing to go from being well known and well loved to not being either one at all. It hurts deep down and is extremely depressing and discouraging. But I shouldn't let it get me down, I should hang on to the confidence I've still got, because it's the only thing that can get me through "the best years of my life". Yeah, right.
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I cannot wait to go and see Emily this weekend. Nanny is coming into town; I love that woman. She is a great person, an amazing person. It has been awhile since I have seen her. I wouldn't mind not going to the OU game. It would be SO nice to have this place to myself without anyone else ere for a weekend. even if there ws nothing to do. I could catch up on reading and homework or get ahead. But then again Lne said that most people would die to go to the OU game and that I should accept the offers I receive. I rejected the first. The second one is someone who I just met last night. and I want to attend the game and this is the best way because tickets are so hard to get. But I have to stay in a hotel room with this guy. I guess I will just say I have a boyfriend. Speaking of. I like Chad. He is very nice looking, very polite. He did everything right. I wonder if he likes me? I wonder if he will call today. only time will tell. I hate Michael for what he did to me. No I hate what he did, I don't hate him. I don't hate anybody. Jenny and Emily have become two of my best friends. I talk to each of them several times a day. The weird thing is, they have been friends for 7 years. And now, over some guy, Emily hates Jenny. Emily has done the same thing to me that Jenny has done to Emily. I do not really feel sorry for her. It feels weird that although they do not speak to each other, I speak to each of them many times each day and usually the other is not mentioned, and I dare not bring up the other, I do not want to stir things up or be in the middle of it. So I am going to see Jeff this weekend when I visit Emily. I know he will want me to stay the night with him. But so will Emily. I wonder if she would care. I don't want to do anything with him. It is just hard to put out old flames. We cannot start anything again. I just got a computer a few days ago and now it is not working! I am taking it home tonight to have someone work on it. Sam is always in our dorm room. Last night everyone and their dog were in my dorm. I have 8 AM class Mon through thursday. I could not get to sleep until 2AM. Then I turned off the two larms I set and my neighbor called tomake sure I was up at around 7:40. Yikes. I hopped out of bed, brushed my teeth and ran out of my room. I want to see a movie. That is what I feel like doing today. right now. Maybe a nice sappy movie with lots of sweet romance-not corny though. Or a thriller or scary movie. but I only like to see that with a guy. Hmm. Or one with Vin Diesel. Now Vin is definitely not usually my type, but after seeing Fast and the Furious and XXX, he definitely does it for me. He has such a sexy voive and attitude. Usually I do not like guys that built. I need someone more my size. He is the exception. All 18 year old boys are assholes. I have not founf the exception to that rule. I will not even give one the time of day or a chance. I don't have time for that. But I think Chad has already been through his stage. I think this one is worse than the terrible two's. I need to call Holly. But I am afraid to tell her something I did with Michael. I do not want her to pray for me or look down upon me. No she won't look down for me, but her heart will heart for me. But I am not really in the wrong direction. I pray. I know what is right and wrong. But no one is perfect. I also need to call my sister-I wonder how Chad and Kaycee are doing. Those kids are absolutely rotten. I hope they grow out of it. It is just that they are beautiful and Kaycee is so cute that nobody ever can remain angry with her. I hope that they are beautiful in high school and i know they will be-not just because they are my nephew and neice, their mother is beautiful. But I hope that they are not the snobby kids. or the rude kids. I hope they are humble and compassionate. High school kids do too much damage to other high school kids. It's awful. I wish that highschoolers could lern to look at things on the grand scale. I wish they could think more term and not so much about the situation. Realize that it doesn't matter in callege. No one knows nything about you. It is a new start.
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Today I woke up really late and I had to run to class which made me tired. My math class is so easy I don't even know why I'm in it. Well actually I do it's because I'm in this FIG and that is pretty cool. It helps a lot. I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to write but I'm trying to just keep going. I know that I am happy today because my girl friend Ginger is coming to town and I haven't seen her in a week. That also includes my mother. I really miss her and I know that she is lonely. I also miss my brother and sister and even my dad. I wish I could play video games and party with my brother like we used to before I left. Speaking of partying I haven't done any of that since I came to Austin which is supposedly this huge party city. I think the reason that I haven't partied is because I have not been able to meet many guys here yet and that is usually who I go party with. I also miss my party pals from Arlington they weren't my best friends but they were a blast to go party with. I wonder how they are doing right now. I think they are probably skipping class for no reason, again. I don't know why you would skip class in high school it just gets you into too much trouble. I never got in trouble in high school until the last day when me and a lot of senior guys rode our bikes up to school and then through the school. That got us Dhall, but it was worth it because the bike thing was really fun. In fact all of high school was really fun except no all of it was fun. It was easy there was always a party and I had a group of good friends to hang out with which made it even better. Those kids who are still there do not know how lucky they are to still be there. I mean I love college and everything but it is just way different. And living by yourself isn't all its cracked up to be. I mean I have to clean my room, do my own laundry, and stuff like that. I also think that I had good morals installed in me because I feel really bad when I party in my room, which I thought I would do all of the time. But I guess that also has to do with my roommate. He is just fresh in from India and is not that accustomed to living in America yet. But he is a lot cooler than I thought he was once I sat down and talked to him. I guess if you give people a chance most of them come through, except for the real jerks. I am listening to Prodigy right now and it is really fun to listen to I fell like writing down what it sounds like but since it is techno it would broadly be difficult for me to accomplish that. I wish that I had the musical talent and equipment to do something like that, but I have neither the time or musical capacity to really do that.
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I feel kind of strange doing this assignment like this -- I don't think I've ever had such an informal assignment. I just got off the phone with this girl that I met in Galveston when I was a junior in high school -- the whole time I was talking I was also thinking about how I wanted her to shut up so I could do this assignment. Well, anyway, here I am sitting before this CRT not really concentrating or doing anything special -- just king of chilling. My roommate is playing Quake on his computer on the other side of the room -- also the radio is on and so it makes it king of hard to concentrate with all the noise in the room. I think the artist on the radio is Natalie Merchant -- damn I really hate her music -- it's so poppy it's disgusting. everything the drums to guitars to vocals sounds so devoid of feeling or meaning -- it's a mind numbing, spirit-crushing experience listening to this crap . I just wish she would shut up . I prefer bands like Korn or Pantera. they sing with so much feeling, and all the songs are sung with vehemence and anger and lust and disgust and hatred. the entire spectrum of emotions is explored in their works. other favorite bands of mine are helmet, Alice in chains, pearl jam,etc. I guess I kind of got caught up in the whole alternative revolution phenomenon. I WORE FLANNEL AND HAD RIPPED UP JEANS AND DOC MARTENS AND I EVEN DID THE DRUGS THAT WENT ALONG WITH THE WHOLE ALTERNATIVE SCENE. A BIG MISTAKE IN MY OPINION BECAUSE THOSE VICES WITH WHICH I EXPERIMENTED LAST THEIR TABOO AND SO NOW I HAVE NO FEAR OF THEM AND WOULD HAVE NO QUALMS ABOUT TAKING THEM OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT THEY DESTROY YOUR BODY AND MIND. NOW I ONLY DRINK -- ANOTHER RESULT OF MY EXPERIMENTS WITH "ALTERNATIVES". IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS A DRUGGER AND AN "ALTERNA-TEEN" WHEN I WAS WISHING THAT I COULD BE A MUSICIAN. BUT NOW THAT I AM ONE -- I HAVE MY OWN BAND -- I DON'T REALLY FEEL THE NEED TO DO LIVE THE ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE. I DON'T DRESS STRANGE OR HAVE STRANGE HABITS. I HAVE A 4. 0 GPA AND WAS THE VALEDICTORIAN OF MY HIGH SCHOOL, SO THAT KIND OF BELIES SOME OF THE THINGS THAT I'VE SAID HERE. bETTER MAN BY PEARL JAM JUST CAME ON THE RADIO. I LIKE THIS SONG ALOT. PEARL JAM'S NOT AS GOOD AS THEY USED TO BE. THEIR ALBUMS TEN,VERSUS AND VITALOGY ARE MUCH BETTER THAN THE ALBUM NO CODE IN MY OPINION. NO CODE SEEMS SO STERILE AND NOT PEARL JAM. I THINK IT HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE A DIFFERENT DRUMMER--THE OLD DRUMMER FROM THE RED HOT CHILE PEPPERS. HE SUCKS IN COMPARISON TO DAVE ABBRUZZESE--THE OLD DRUMMER FOR PEARL JAM. I WISH THEY WOULD PUT OUT ANOTHER AWESOME ALBUM. IF THEY DID I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY. OH YEAH, MY ROOMMATE JUST REMINDED ME ABOUT THIS GIRL THAT I KNOW. SHE'S A FAT GIRL AND SHE'S KIND OF A BITCH. SHE KEEPS CALLING ME AND CALLING ME, BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HER BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE HER 'THAT' WAY AT ALL--BUT SHE LIKES ME LIKE THAT. . . . I KIND OF LIKE LIVING IN JESTER BECAUSE IT IS VERY CLOSE TO EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON CAMPUS. THE FOOD SUCKS REALLY BADLY, BUT THERE ARE PLENTY OF BEAUTIFUL GIRLS THAT LIVE HERE---SO THAT IS REALLY COOL. I JUST GLANCED AT MY WATCH BECAUSE I AM TIMING MY TIME HERE ON THIS ASSIGNMENT. I ONLY HAVE A FEW MORE MINUTES TO DO THIS ASSIGNMENT. I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT HOW DELICIOUS MY SUPPER WAS TODAY AT MY FRIEND DREW'S UNCLE'S HOUSE. WE HAD BADASS BARBECUE AND HE GAVE US BEER AND MARGUERITAS. HE WAS A REALLY COOL GUY. I WANT TO GO BACK THERE SOMETIME AND HANGOUT AGAIN. HE'S GOT A REALLY NICE HOUSE AND HE'S BUILDING A STUDIO FOR RECORDING. THAT WILL BE COOL. MAYBE MY BAND-THE GOODSIDE-WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE USE OF THIS TO RECORD SOME STUFF IN THERE. WE HAVE OUR OWN STUDIO BUT IT'S IN THE DORM ROOM SO IT'S NOT REALLY EASY TO RECORD ALL THE TIME IN THERE BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT OTHER PEOPLES' SLEEPING HABITS AND WANTS AND NEEDS--THAT'S ANOTHER THING THAT SUCHS ABOUT THE DORMS. IT KIND OF CRAMPS THE LIFESTYLE OF SOMEONE WHO MAKES A LOT OF NOISE. WELL, I'VE GONE OVER MY TWENTY MINUTE MINIMUM, SO I'LL GO AHEAD A START READING FOR OTHER CLASSES. .
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I don't want to be in ROTC, but I have to strive for a scholarship. My parents can't afford to send me through all four years in college. I need money!! I hat ROTC. it's so stupid. Left face. Right Face. Bullshit. I don't want to be in the military. But to save my parents money I guess I'm going to have to put up with it. Oh well. Man I can't believe I slept I mean overslept through Nursing. I was there for only the last fifteen minutes of class. That makes two classes that I missed. Chemistry Lab and now this. I have to make straight A's I have to. I must succeed. My parents worked hard to see that I do. Damn it. I would be perfectly happy living in a small apartment working as a waitress well may be not a waitress. May be a teacher . Anything . I don't care how much money I make. But I owe it tom my parents. I'm not going to be like my brother. Damn I need to buy some shoe polish and some brasso for ROTC. Gaw I hate ROTC. I'm already taking fifteen hours plus four more hours or is it 3? of ROTC. That is too much for a freakin freshman. At least to me it is. Man twelve more minutes to go. I hate my roommate. She's such a bitch. She's a pig too. She ate all of my peaches. I said she could have one not twenty. I'm tired of techno music. I like rap and r&b. They don't play that shit down here. I wish Sabrina would hurry up. I'm hungry. I'm so stressed. I need a break. Summer was too short. I miss Louis. I miss sex. I need sex. That'll relieve my stress. But I can't do that. It's against my morals. Yeah right. Why don't I have sex? There are so many guys around here that would be more than willing to have sex with me. I'm so damn attractive. I'm like a magnet. I think that's the only thing really going for me. My looks. But that sure ain't going to last. I need to start concentrating on getting my mind fit instead of my body all the time. I wish I was as smart as other people. I want to be a pediatrician. No actually I want to be a veterinarian. But oh well. May be some other lifetime. Hopefully she or he would be more prepared than I was. I love Louis, but do I want to marry him. Will he be faithful to me. Does he really love me? I love his son so much. Perrion. Perrion. I love Perrion. I wish I could see him. I love him more than his father. I would do anything for that little boy. Damn I hate the mother. I have never been jealous of anyone in my life, except for her. Shelly Malley. I hate her. No I don't hate anyone. I'm such a nice person. I couldn't hurt a soul. That night I could've pounded her ass, but I didn't. I have self control and I have maturity. But damn it would have felt so good just to break her face. I miss Leona. I can't believe she didn't want to spend any time with me when I came down to visit. That hurt so bad. I loved that girl. She was like a sister to me. What happened? My loved ones are leaving me left and right. Soon daddy is going to pass away. No. I don't want you to daddy. I love you so much. Why can't god give some one else his pain and suffering. He doesn't deserve it god. Give it to fucking Charles Manson or that guy that killed that little girl in Killeen. But not my daddy. It's not fair. Okay 20 minutes passed. I'm done.
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my roommate just called- she wants me to go get the vacuum cleaner from Vivian. I don’t want to do this because she'll say something about my bike, or the music. and I have to tell her about the fire alarm batteries being out because it was beeping. just while I was writing this I was thinking several different thoughts. I think it's not good that I don’t respect vivian's wishes. I really admire her because she's so old. I am not as nice as I used to be. it's funny to think about writing for twenty minutes straight. but then again, we're always thinking, so why should it be hard to write what you're thinking. it's getting easier for me to put my into words, which is good for my relationships, and not to mention my future. I still don't talk that much though because I don't like saying something about nothing. but I guess that's a skill too. oh well- not one of mine. James and I have been getting along really well. ever since I fell asleep on his couch wishing to end the relationship because the passion was not there. then he picked me up in his arms, and took me to his bed and I must have cried for 30 minutes at least. he's so good to me. turns out the passion was dormant. for us to have fun and not argue so much, we've both realized each other's work loads, acknowledged my problems about the past, seeing how we react to each other, and respond lovingly to each other. thinking of what I just wrote sounds unnatural to me. but in reality, in this case at least, it came automatically. he realized how upset I was, and I realized how much he cared. he's pretty much the leader. his feelings are much more dominant, and he's stronger and truer than me. maybe because I don't always know what I want. then he makes it apparent that he's what I want. I miss being able to play the field, but what good is that when I have a really good person already? he makes me laugh and we love, which is most important in the person I share most my time with. men with potential, men that can show me the world. they can be my friends. like Sean. like jt. probably like any one that comes into my life- everyone has something to offer. and I will take it. James just has more than the average Joe. oooo - I've already spent 15 minutes. I should do this everyday for 10 minutes. not only is it a break from numbers, but I acknowledge my thoughts, and I can go back and read it in the future to see my development. I want to be a model or an actor. I want the spotlight. sometimes. I want to be a better gymnast. I don’t want to be judgmental. I want a copy of this.
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Right now I am in my room trying to study. I really don't know how to study at all. I'm way behind in all my reading cause it's so boring. Micah is printing something right now. I am so bored. I want to go home tomorrow, but I'm not done with my reading so I really can't do anything until I'm done with that. Plus I don't know whose going to pick me up if I could go home. Homer said he was going to find a way to come and get me, but I don't know if it's possible. They said there is this race they are going to on Sunday and I really would like to go. Gosh this seem to be forever to type. I really miss my mom, but when I'm around she's always yelling at me. I don't enjoy my time with her. Every time we get into an agrument I feel bad afterwards cause I know she might not be around for very long. I love her so much I just wish we can hang out and do what other family does and be happy. My sister is not talking to her right now because of what happen last week and I wish it never did happen. I would be aleast happier to talk to her everyday. She seem to always cry when I do talk to her. My life seem to suck comparing to all the other people. Micah is standing here right now watching me type. Right now I'm looking around room. My roommate is making me nervous, she was looking at me type. I think we need to start cleaning our room cause we have books and stuff everywhere. I miss Juan, he went back to califorina for the Marines and he has not called me since the last time. It's been like a week. I've been feeling a little dumb around UT cause everyone seem to be so smart. Even my friend Sarah feel this way. Maybe I just don't belong here with all the smart people. I'm a poor person, and it just make it worst to see that most of the people that goes here are rich. They talked about how they are going to get a piece of land and build their house and have lots and lots of parties. I don't know if I can even afford a house right now. My mom lives in an apartment and she barely make enough to pay for all the bills. I feel like I'm using all her money going here. I love her so much. She's always been here for me even if we get in fights. My life would have been better if I have my dad around. He doesn't even seem to care if I'm alive or not. He never sent us anything. The only thing that I get from him is a child support paycheck, which I don't really care for. I need money, but it always come and go. And it sure doesn't make me happy. Homer really likes me but I don't know him enough to go out with him. Is that bad? For some reason I still like Isrel, but he's just the type of person that want girls for sex. He wanted to take me home this one day, but I said no. I don't like people looking at me like I am a hoe, because I know I'm not a hoe. My mind is blank right now. To me life just seem to suck. Isrel seem to be a non commitment person, and I wish he was because I would like to go out with him and be with him. I guess I just like the idea that I like him and if we get together and get marry someday he would be able to support me and make me happy. My goal right now is to do good in school and build a great career for myself and prove to my friend's that I can graduate from UT if I try my best. They keep on telling my that I'm wasting my money going to UT because it's much cheaper when I go at home. I just always wanted to go to UT and here I am following my dreams. I'm trying to find a job right now but it seem so hard. So many people are searching for jobs and I'm out of luck. I think I might switch my bank to bank one because they have free checking account and the one I have with bank of america isn't free. After this I need to start reading all of my books I wonder how far I'm going to get before I decide to go do something again. I'm almost done I have less then a minute now. I really enjoy my psychology class. It's one of the best class I have here at UT so far. I just hope I'll do good. My goal is to do good and get into the nursing major.
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Great! Just GREAT! I already typed for ten minutes and this thing loses everything I wrote! GERRRRRRRR! Oh well. This isn't so bad. So. Let's seee. oh that's right. My eating disorder. Okay. I completely understand this freshmen 15 deal. because I, regretfully, am a victim. Yes, I, Maria Truong, cannot stop eating. So scary. I'm assuming that this is evidence of my subconscious depression that all freshmen are supposedly subjected to. Huh. Makes sense. I suppose. Hmmmm. wwwweeelll. I'm am also allergic to Austin. I can't stop sneezing! I think that perhaps my nose hasn't yet adapted itself to all this clean air as oppose to the humid smog of the one and only Houston. Where are all these symptoms coming from?! So college isn't so bad. Definitely a lot more freedom. The first week wasn't so bad. Must've been all the excitment. But by the end of the second week. I was craving junk food and missing home. I'm better now by the way. After we went home for Labor Day Weekend and I am all stocked up on junk food. smiles. Dang it! Stupid fly! Shoo fly! Don't bother me! Okay. So school is definitely killing me. Too much to read and my lack of study habits definitely needs polishing. But seriously though. I'm a true nerd. I even have the thick-rimmed glasses. :) Wow. Twelve minutes. Almost thirteen. How many pages is this double spaced on Word? A page maybe? Wow. It sure does take me a long time to write stuff. No wonder it took me forever to finish those english papaer! FULL of nonsense. Hmmm. So glad I don't have english this year. Hey! My twenty minutes went by pretty fast! Wahoo! Notice how I've painstakingly wrote all this gramatically correct? Well, at least I got the caps and punctuations down. Go me. I can't wait until Christmas. My favorite season! Big surprise! Summer's fun but winter wins hands down! So I wanted to work so I could make my own money instead of bumming off my parents all the time. But all this reading is too much! I'm STILL behind. Its funny how I'm actually trying to study now when I wasn't much of a studier in high school. Huh. My thoughts are random. oh well times up!
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I have a wondering mind so I think about a lot of different stuff within a short periosd of time. right now iim thinkigna bout home. I'm going home for labor day and I'm kinda excited. I really didn't want to go home but all my friendsa r o I might as well too. I bet my parents miss me a lot. thats y they send me e-mails oftn. its hard being the first to leave home. bc I don't want them to be sad bc I'm gona but I know they r. my mom cried all the way home I bet. she alwasy cries when I leave for long periods of time. u know that guy I saw at church the other day was pretty cute. I think I really liked him bc he was tall. its hard to fing a cute, nice, funny tall guy. especially when ur a tall girl. its hard being tall. everyone always says they wish they were taller and they'd give anything to be 2 or 3 inches taller. why? I'm tall and its not that great. true it comes in handy at times but its also a drag. its hard to find pants that r long and to find a good tall guy. I aslo get so irritated with people when they tell me I'm tall. I'm like hello! u think I didn't know that? no stupid I thin ki'm short! duh! I also get tired of it when people ask me if I play basketball. and when I say no, they try to convince me that I need to. if I wanted to play then I would, why can't they just leave it at that? would that be so hard? college isn't quiet what I expected. I thought it would be more fun, I guess. maybe once everyone gets settleed then it'll be more fun. right now all I do is study and work out, study and work out. its a visoiou cycyle. but its okay becaus ei am not going to gain 15 pounds!! I know thst for a fact. I won't let myself. if fact I'm going to lose 15 pounda at least by christman, I hope. I need to lose weight, I think. if I think I do, then y do ppl think they need to convince me that I'm thin enough? its my body y can't I do what I want with it? I want to start modeling after my first year at UT. thethat lady told me I could and that there company would represent me after I got the braces off adn toned up a little. well the braces r gone, thank god!! and I've already lost a little weight. plus my legs r pretty much all muscle. except for my thighs. they need a little work but thats y I've been going to the gym everyday. plus all this walking around campus helps too. geez this campus it big! luckliy all my classes are somewhat close. but I still get sweaty when walking around. man, I wish my schedule wasn't so spaced out. its a pain in the butt to have a 3 hour break. next time I'm going to schedule them better. theres not enought time to really do anything in those 3 hours worth whild. all I can do is study, get on-line and go eat. which is probably y freshman gain 15 pounds when they get here. u have all this extra time to do nothing and so they go eat. well I'm not going to do that. I'll go eat but I'll make sure I go to the gym later to work it off. I can't believe my friend jesss bought her size jeans and the next size up. she is so thin, she won't gain any weight in college. she barely eats anything. plus she'll be walking around so much that she won't gain anything, some ppl make me so sick. they eat and eat and eat but gain nothing, I use to be like that buyt not anymore. maybe thats y I stopped eating so much, I was afraid I'd gte fat/ I dunnnno whatever the reason its probably for the best. I couldn't live with myself if I got big. I don't understand how peoipole let themselves go so far. i hate it when really fat ppl say they r tired of being fat but then they eat enough food for a small country. I'm like well. if u didn't eat so mucha nd exercised maybe u wouldn't be fat, ever think of that. that guy in med class is cute. he reminds me of a friend from home. he has the same humor as him, which is a good thing. mayeb something will happen with him, I dunno yet. I guess only the future will tell!!
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Well, I am just sitting here and listening to a cd, The Wallflowers Bringing Down the Horse. It is a great cd and classic rock and it kinda of makes me feel old because the cd came out in 1996. My roommate is here in the room with me talking to a friend on the phone. This song definitely reminds me of middle school. It makes me what to sing along. I am kinda of feeling lazy I don't know what it is about thursday but I already start to think is the weekend. I do have a lot to do though I need to read for my Mexican American Studies and biology. I already have a biology test next friday and I am getting a little anxious about the first test. It is hard to know what to expect from a professor until you take the first test. It is starting to get a bit cold in my room I guess I'll put on my sweatshirt. I need to make a grocery list so I can go to the grocery store tomorrow. I need to call my mom also and my friend Stephen who lives in Boston I haven't been able to get a hold of him he is really busy with school. He just started his masters in music. I need to take out the trash it is starting to smell funny and I need to clean the bathroom it is my turn this week. I am thinking about what to get my mom for her birthday and what to get my parents for their 25th anniversary. I wonder when it is going to get cooler the hot weather is starting to get on my nerves the humidity is unbearable. I wonder if it is actually going to rain today because all week long the weather people have been saying it is going to rain and then it never does. That is quite annoying yeay I am half way done with this writing assignment. ouch I just bit my lip I always chew my gum too fast. wow this twenty minutes is going by a bit slow. I want to see a movie this weekend but I am not quite sure what I want to see I better go online later to see what has come out this week. My roommate just asked me for some bread so she can make a sandwich because the cafeteria is already closed and she doesn't want to use what limited bevo bucks we do have.
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This is the first time I have ever had an assignment like this before. I have never had to use the internet before, either. I wish that the computer in my room wasn't so difficult to hook up to the UT internet system. I am so tired of going to the same computer store over and over. First, they managed to sell me over one hundred dollars worth of computer equipment that I didn't need. After, that was sorted out, I had problems with the Ethernet card. Oh well, I will ask my boyfriend to fix it for me. I am so glad that he lives in Austin. I am glad that my best friend is my roommate. We always get along and we never fight. It's great because if she wasn't my roommate, then we would have a huge phone bill. So far, everything about UT is as I anticipated. I really didn't believe people when they told me that I would have classes with over two hundred people. That came out to be half true. I only ended up with twenty or so in my English class and about one hundred and fifty in my biology class. My chemistry and psychology class end up in the same room. both are enormous. I didn't even know how to spell psychology until about three days ago. Whenever I wrote the word I always looked at the course schedule or at my textbook. Books are another problem. The co-op had the wrong listing for my biology book, and I had to go through a huge hassle to get my psych book. I shouldn't be complaining. I really love it here. I love being one in fifty thousand. I love being known as only a social security number. The atmosphere is so relaxed and go with the flow. " I think that I am adapting well. Twenty minutes are up. s
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The lights are all out here in Hardin House. Thank goodness Amy has this lap top so I can do this assignment. I still have to do the other one too. They both are due Friday. The lights just came on. I'm so relieved because now I can feel the air conditioning. I'm a little bit off the assignment because Cara is watching me. Cara says hi. she is really sick right now and her nose is always runny. she snotted on my bed. or maybe she just drooled. I don't really know. Tonight I need to go to the theta house and study. We have to get certain amount of hours done . I don't really want to read anymore of the Great Plains by Webb. It is like a history book. It makes me want to fall asleep sometimes when I read it. The most interesting section was about the animals on the Plains. The little jackrabbit has a white patch on its butt so that whenever it is in danger or something it flares it up to communicate with it's own kind. I guess that's how it works. Right now it's talking about the north vs. the south and it is way boring. I have about 70 pages to read tonight. It is a little overwhelming. sometimes I get behind and feel real guilty about it because I want to keep up with all my classes. I need to do my math homework too. I kind of just feel like taking a nap until we go study but then I'll never get up. My bed is sooooooo cozy. I just put on some pink sheets and they rock because they are soo soft. I kind of feel like watching Backdraft. Whichever Baldwin guy is in it is really good looking. He reminds me of this Stratford guy that is living in towers. He is really good looking obviously and really sweet too. He walked us home the other night from the KA house because he thought it was too dangerous. then he started talking about what church he went to. I was thinking this guy is too good to be true. But then someone told me that he had just broken up with his long time girlfriend because they are at separate colleges. I don't think I would like to get in the middle of that. If that's the only reason why they broke up then that's not enough. Because obviously they had something big to hold onto and not let go of just like that. But he is one of the better guys I've seen around lately. I kind of want to just ver out tonight but I know that I'll feel bad about it later. I'm so into making good grades but I haven't quite gotten into the hang of doing homework in this new setting and everything. Danielle just called. I'll be living with her next year. I think it’ll be good. Me , Cara, Allison, and Danielle. I don't really know her too too well. Seh and Allison are friends. Cara, Allison, and I have been hanging out a lot lately. She's so cool. It's really awesome to get to know people from different states and become close friends. She's from Oklahoma. Oklahoma is so random. What is in Oklahoma? Maybe we'll all go there to see her family sometime. We might go to Houston for The Rice game. Then I'll get to see my little brother. He is so cool. He's growing like a weed right now. It's crazy. Now that I'm gone he is like an only child. I hate that for him. Maybe he likes it a little. He gets all the attention now. I don't want to lose the awesome brother/sister relationship that we have right now because I'm 3 hours from home.
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well another week of classes has started and I can't wait until this weekend. I just want to relax for a while. there is so much to do during the week. I start on one thing then I have to work on something else. there is like ten million things to do. I am taking these hard classes and I hate them. I have to read a lot of course, but oh well. I have a quiz tomorrow in my Bio 211 discussion class. gosh I hope am ready. I really want to do well. its my first quiz. am going to be nervous. I did study some last night. I am extremely tired because I stayed up late looking over stuff for bio 211. I feel I am not fully prepared. but then I study so hard I go take the quiz and what if I fail. I hate that feeling. I study so much but then my hard work wont pay off. I feel so awful that I cry, I know crying doesn't do anything. but its just you work so hard and you want to do well. I am going to study some more tonight though. I want to go over to jester and go to the learning center for my calculus homework due soon. gosh so much to do today. right now am just tired and hungry. I ate junk food last night. the cafeteria was closed and I just didn't feel like going down to the strip by myself. I just always want someone there with me. I am scared though to walk on the strip by myself. maybe this weekend I will walk on the strip in the afternoon by myself. I want to go look at the stores and just walk and chill out. I am just stalk in this cubicle just putting my head into the books. its like I need to get out get some fresh air. its just am so stressed and I know I got too much to do its like I don't even have 10 minutes to just relax. there is so many things to do on campus and I want to join clubs and get to know some new people. I want to join like the medical clubs and maybe a Persian club. that would be fun. I want to meet some Persian people on campus since I am Persian too. its fun to meet someone from your own culture. you can relate to them and stuff. I just need to get out there and explore my possibilities. I need to join some clubs not just for writing in you resumes but for fun and to learn and explore and also to meet people who are also interested in the same things you are. I want to go to the medical field so I need to join some medical organizations. I am sure there are many of them. I am a biology major and now am thinking to change my major to psychology. I think psychology will be an interesting field. I talked to my cousin who recently graduated from medical school and she said it would be a great idea. I want to do something that I am interested in and like to study. biology is hard but any subject is hard, but now the classes am taking I am just not having fun and its really stressing me out and I want to do something that I will enjoy. and I want to get into medical school. I am sure every person who applies to medical school like probably most of them are biology majors. I don't want to be a biology major. I want to stand out. I want to be different. I also think that if I don't get into medical school then what am I going to do with a biology major besides teaching and maybe working in the lab, but is it really what I want to do? if I don't get into medical school am sure there are many possibilities with a psychology major. I can go to graduate school and such and maybe be come a psychologist. I think that would be more fun and interesting. gosh all am thinking about now is how hungry I am, ha-ha. I didn't eat any breakfast this morning even though I have lots of junk food in the dorm room, that I can eat. I will wait another hour or so to go have lunch with my roommate. my next class isn't until 1230. so I have plenty of time until then. I am going to study some more for my quiz on tomorrow and maybe I will eat something to before lunch, because right now I am way too hungry. I am glad I have some food in here. its not healthy but I am just way too hungry. I want to take a nap too, but am not going to I will try to go to bed early tonight maybe. well see how long it will take to finish up at the learning center. hopefully I can be done by 9 or 930. I am going to leave the dorm around 630 or so, so I can be at jester by 7. I want to finish my calculus homework so I wont have to worry about it that much. I already got enough stuff to worry about and do. I just want tomorrow to be over with. after tomorrow's quiz I think I will be okay.
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Okay, so I am in my dorm room alone. I'm mostly thinking about how great my day was. I haven't had a day this good in a long time. Even though I had to wake up early I was rewarded by my Cotton Bowl tickets which makes me happy, because I never win anything so it's really cool for me that I was the one who drew the best number. Maybe my luck is finally coming in. I hope so. In addition to the tickets I got to see the guy who I am totally in love with twice today which was simply a gift from god because I hadn't seen him in a long time. When I started to pray for him I got to see him on Tuesday, then when I started thinking about him even more, I got to see him twice, and he even spoke to me. I just wonder what he thinks about me. I doubt that he is thinking of me right now, but when he sees me, I wonder what goes through his head. I've never had a guy be truely interested in me before, so I hope that now that I'm in college, my luck will change. Judging from my lucky number with the OU tickets, it looks like my luck is changing, but I can't say that it was just luck, because my rededicating my life to the Lord contributed to my current happness in a big way. Actually He is the entire reason why I am feeling the happiest I have since I have moved here. I have made good friends and I get to see Joe. I just hope that I get to experience this feeling for a long time. I really am so happy, when I was walking down the street people were looking at me like I was crazy because I had this huge smile on my face. Being a good person and having faith can get you anywhere that you want to be in life, and now that I have accepted that I feel a little more at ease. Just a little though, I still worry about my classes. I just really want to do well. I need to catch up on my readings, which I will do this weekend. I just have to make myself. I also need to get my spiral back from Meredith. It really pisses me off that she borrowed my notes, and hasn't given them back yet. That is really rude and inconciderant! It's okay though, becuse now I am thinking about Joe again, so I am happy. I can't believe how happy it makes me just to think about him. I know I seem crazy because I barely even know him, but there is something about the fact that he makes eye contact with me, and that he is the only guy to ever speak to me on this campus. It just says something about him and about the way that he sees me, at least that's what I think. I just really want to fall in love. I look around and see all of these couples, and watch romantic movies, and listen to love songs, I want it so bad, that I can feel it! Something in my gut tells me that Joe is going to be my first real love, and even if it doesn't work out in the end and I get my heart broken, I feel like I'm ready. Ready to experience something.
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Thoughts are constantly bombarding me since I moved here. It is a whole new world now. Time is a precious commodity that I need to manage more efficiently. I see so many different people here and I have met quite a few people these past weeks. My future is on the line now, but I am so young. So many things are tempting me away from my goals. I must get organized as soon as possible. Girls are everywhere and there are so many cool ones. I never can remember all those names. My fraternity has a bunch of really good guys in it I can not wait until pledgeship is over. Life is at it's best and worst right now. I have never been this emotionally unstable. My mind is like a roller coaster. I guess I have not adjusted to everything yet. Once I do maybe I will be alright. I do not really have a grip on all of my classes. Once again I need to get organized. Now that no one is telling me to do anything I need to work on my self motivation. I find myself thinking a lot about things that went on in high school but I do not miss it much at all. I do miss football. It kept me in shape therefore making me feel good about myself. I think about girls too much of the time. It drives me crazy sometimes. I love Austin. It is such a great city. I love the university's atmosphere. It feels good to be free. I need to stop procrastinating, it kills me. School work constantly haunts me until I finally do it. I am not really depressed or anything. Overall I am doing well. I hope I get TexasOU tickets. I would hate to miss this years game. Last game was pretty fun.
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I really could care less that I'm doing it at this moment. However, I care about my grade in the class, so that is why I am typing. Lately I've really been curious about the UT environment and atmosphere. It seems to me that everything that an authoritative figure has to say is always an understatement of what is actually expected. For example, one of my professors indicated within a span of less than ten seconds that we should read over chapters one through four for the next session. When I got back to my dorm room I opened the book, thumbing through the chapters, and realized that this man expected the class to read a total of one-hundred and fifty pages in two nights!! I don't consider myself lazy, but this seemed like quite an astronomical expectation for such a subtle suggestion. College life seems to be okay. I have a lot of free time, but when I really think about it, time flies so quickly that my free time is gone. I like my math class but can't stand the discussion lectures. I feel that they are a complete waste of time, until we actually cover material that I haven't seen. When this occurs, I'm really in for it because I'll be forced to attend the lectures. I really have a hard time understanding the TA, because he gets so excited about math that he talks too fast. People who get excited about math should do the world a favor and jump off a cliff. Just kidding, don't come searching for me because I said a morbid thing like that. My sense of humor is pretty violent. I like it when people have desensitized themselves enough to understand and enjoy that sense of humor that I possess. There is nothing that I can't stand more, however, is someone that totally does not understand my sense of humor and thinks that I am some sick individual. Typing for twenty minutes really sucks. I think I am getting carpal tunnel disease. I've never experienced so much pain in my wrists. I think I am going to slit them right now. with a dull razor blade. Then I'm going to cut my arms off and beat my roommate over and over with them. Once he has experienced maximum horror, I'm going to chop off his leg and leave him there to wither and die and horrible death. Then I'm going to go dive off a bridge onto I-35 and do triple somersault face-plant onto the oncoming traffic. Hopefully I'll traumatize someone in the car and cause them to go off the deep end. I'm just kidding. Would never do such a thing. Anyway, classes are going pretty good, I'm getting a real good taste, as a Freshman, of what college life is all about. I really enjoy having a mission or goal if you will, to get to class, and actually completing it on my own without parent supervision, or guidance, rather. In general, I enjoy the individualistic atmosphere here. However, I have become quite disturbed with the fact that no one talks to one another, perhaps because of pride, shyness, commitment to fulfill an independent lifestyle. Whatever it is, I'm troubled. I have repetitively made eye contact with numerous females on numerous occasions, but they don't look back. I smile but they don't respond. what a bunch of robots. I've never, ever, ever, ever had trouble communicating with the opposite sex before. New challenges await me. Oh well, time's up, hope you've had fun over-analyzing me. Oh wait, my name doesn't really matter, I'm just another statistic, or another number. Got to get used to it.
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As I sat here reading the assignment, half of me read the words while the other half of me sat concentrating on my sweaty palms that I only seconds ago was rubbing. My stomach is apparently telling me that I am hungry in its own noisy language. I just went to a 50th anniversary party for my grandparents last night. I got up to speak with the other grandkids. My cousin Jaffray, who lost her mother (my aunt) about 10 years ago spoke before me about how incredibly remarkable they have been acting as her parental role models, support system, and financial suppliers. By the time the michrophone ( I do not know how to spell "mike" [I guess]) got to me. . well- I didn't get to speak. I woke up this morning thinking about what I wanted to say, and I decided that whenI finish this assignment, I will write them a note to write them what my tears prevented me from saying. That reminds me of another letter I need to write- a totally belated graduation present thank you letter. I don't feel like a complete jerk- I received the gift pretty late. I just took notice of my blistered feet. They took some serious heat from rush. My sister and I are now in the same sorority. Hopefully, that can be a tie that binds. We get along so well- when we're apart. It's kind of a shame that we lived together for so long (sometimes sharing a room) because we probably could have been the best of friends.
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I'm sitting in my dorm room and it's very cold. I don't think we control the temperature in our room because sometimes it's hot and sometimes it's cold no matter what temperature setting we put it on. I'm borrowing my roommate's computer because I don't have one yet. My dad is going to bring it up hopefully this weekend when my parents come for my brothers soccer tournament. I also want him to get me a new cell phone because my phone book is full on mine and I can't put any new numbers in it which is difficult considering we're in college and I'm meeting quite a few new people. Many of the people I met because I went through rush and also I've met a lot of people on my dorm hall. I'm living in srd. The food is pretty good but I'm really picky. Bretani was eating mushroom soup today and I think soup and mushrooms are gross she said I was missing out on so many great things because I was so picky but I don't like to try foods I've already got preconceived notions about as being not good. I like pizza. I really miss eating dominoes pizza on friday nights. I was thinking about the zebra thing we talked about in class and I was wondering that: if zebras are always releasing cortozol (not sure on spelling) and their immune systems are always being shut down in response, then why are zebras never sick? wouldn't they be sick like all the time? or are they sick and we just don't know it?? maybe you would have to do some serious research on zebras to find this out at least that's what me and claire concluded. I'm glad that claire is here with me at UT even though we weren't like really really close friends in highschool I've known her since kindergarten which is pretty remarkable to know someone for that long. from kindergarten to college I mean. I've been calling a lot of my high school friends. mainly when I'm bored like when I was waiting for the bus the other day for like thirty minutes seriously it took so long. And the guy behind me had a pizza and it smelled so good. I go visit jeff a lot (my bf) because I think about him a lot and I wish I could see him at least every day but that might not be possible considering I have a lot of home work I have to do and all the other stuff I'm going to be responsible for once school and equestrian team gets going and it's sucks because he doesn't have a car so he can't just drop by even though I drop by his place like all the time I did at home too . I'm always trying to surprise him or make him happy and it just sucks that guys don't get girls. They're dating impaired almost all of them suffer from this ailment I would say. I mean some things seem so obvious for him to do to just make me so happy. Little things I mean and he doesn't even see them but as long as I'm complaining about jeff at least I'm not going out with andy. I can't see how bret (my roommate who I know from highschool) can go out with him. He's such a close minded person. A lot of the time just a jerk. And everyone who meets him get's that first impression from him too. And I just think bret is way too good for him but for some reason she loves him and I know he loves her and he's not a bad guy but the other day talking about wanting to live with a gay guy like will and grace or be friends with a gay person he was like "well then you'd just be condoning that life style" omg what a freakin aggie seriously, he's such a hick I can't believe he would be so close minded but he is and his ego is so huge and bret is pissed off at him all the time and the long distance relationship thing just isn't go to work so iwish she'd just dump him because I think he's a jerk. If he wasn't her bf I probably wouldn't even be friends with him. Yikes any way I can really get carried away on that issue . I miss going out to the barn everymorning. I'm afraid I'm going to gain weight because I don't have the motivation to jjust exercise and I don't dance everyday like I used to and I just ate two cups of ice cream and even though it's fat free bret says it still has like a jillion calories and I don't even really know what that means/entails but it sounds like something that will make me gain weight. And I guess I'm just really concerned with that. I also don't know about this whole sorority thing I'm a DG and the girls are great but sometimes I just wish that I had gotten a bid fro chi o because I spent like hours killing myself over that decision and I got DG in the end anyway. And sometimes they baby you and you're like uh I think I can handle life here thank you very much but oh well at least you have people watching out for you whether it's a little annoying or not and it does make me feel precious. karolyn stopped by last night just to tuck us in and that made me feel special. Sometimes I go crazy learning about psycology because sometimes I think it's just ridiculous to study why we do things and you know like "if you sit on this side of the room will you be more likely to eat spinach" or something because I just wonder why we study it instead of just leaving it alone and living it. it just seems like a scientist was really bored one day and unknowingly decide to start a study of something absolutely crazy. I don't even know what I'm saying but sometimes I don't care or want to know why we do what we do. We just do it! and that's it why should we stress ourselves out trying to solve the mystery of everything why not just live it. Man I drive myself crazy sometimes. I'm going to eat a red hot fire ball now. Actually they're called atomic fireballs. I noticed that last night. Me and jeff are going stargazing on the RLM tonight. I hope it works out because I don't know too much about it. Ok did it not even bother bret when andy made that incredibly ignorant comment about being gay? because he says jerky stuff all the time and somehow she just sees past it to how wonderful he is.
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its 12:42 and I'm listening to an old episode of Saturday Night Live in my friends' room. I need a computer. I don't know why I didn't bring mine. I'm hungry. I can't eat because I have to type this assignment. Sharon has a lot of pictures. This is a pretty funny snl sketch. I have nothing to say. MY back feels a little sore. I'm slightly offended that there aren't any pictures with me in them. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to watch tv, instead of just listening to it. I really don't have anything important going through my head. It was nice of Sharon to let me stay in here and do this. Her and her roommate left, so I'm not even sure I'm supposed to be here. This song isn't that bad. I have never heard of the musical guest on this episode of SNL but the song really isn't bad. I really should have eaten before I started this. I'm about to pass out. Only 12 more minutes. I should call home later. I'm quite upset that I couldn't do the pretesting survey thing for the experiments. Maybe I'll try again in a little while. I want to change the channel. Some station has to be showing the U. S. Open. They just have to. I think someone keeps trying to I. M. Sharon, but I can't tell them it isn't her, because I'm doing this. I'm interested how this assignment will tell how my mind works. It should be good to know. I hope someone explains it, preferably Professor What's his name. I would check to see what his name is, but again, I Can't. Just looking around the room now. This is kind of boring (no offense). Only 8 more minutes. Cool. The only bad part is I have to stay here until Sharon and Rebecca get back because I can't lock up. There are just a lot of pictures in here. There are many of Sharon's boyfriend Jorge. Interesting that she's dating someone with the same name as me, isn't it. Snl is over and only 6 minutes until I'm done. That is a stupid picture Sharon has next to her printer. I like the opening music on this show (The Kids In the Hall). only 4 minutes left. That's good because I am still very hungry. This is very boring. I thought about using a lot of big words, but I realized that that isn't how I think so I should just stick with my sixth grade vocabulary. This isn't a very funny sketch. Phone's ringing, can't answer it. They told me not to. It's Rebecca. she knows I'm here but I still can't answer the phone. she isn't going to like this. I'm done.
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I don't really know what I want to write about. I am about to start watching football. I used to like pro football a lot more, but now I really just don't care. I would much rather watch college that pro. I am downloading some music right now. I am ready for this paper to be done so that I can go and watch some football. I hope that this class isn't too hard. I don't want to really have to work really hard in this class since it is not really for my major. When I was walking to class today I was kinda regretting not dropping this class and signing up for something easier. But it will be ok, I'm just going to have to study. The other reason that I don't like that class is that I don't know anyone so everyday I come in a couple minutes before class starts and I sit down. And the only talking that I do is small-talk with someone that I don't know. That gets old after awhile, saying the same thing over and over again. IT's always what classes are you in and how's school going and where are you staying and where are you from and that kind of thing. It just gets really old. 20 minutes takes a long time when you are watching the clock. I am ready for the weekend to start. Football weekends are the best. This weekends tailgate is going to be a blast. There are going to trash arkansas fan walking by and yelling. This is getting old, because I'm am running out of ideas and my annoying roommate is making fun of me and I am about to fight him. He keeps on laughing at me and I don't like it. Here's my other roommate he is looking over my shoulder. He is not as much of a prick as the other one. I don't want to fight him right now. HE just walked out of the room. My other suitemate hasn't walked in yet. He probably won't. He is pretty weird. He sits in his room and plays video games most of the day. Other than that he just spaces out and watched tv. He doesn't party either. I feel sorry for him sometimes cause he mostly just sits in the room by himself when we are out doing stuff. I think he knows one person up here. But they don't really go out and that is no fun because I know that he is not having a good time up here. But maybe this is just the normal thing for him. He doesn't seem like he was a real social person in high school. I only have 4 minutes of typing left here so then I will be done and be happy. I'm listening to some new austin music right now. This paper is almost done, so I am happy. My friend just told me that his dad drinks o'douls, that would not be fun. My dad drinks real beer. Now my paper is done.
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Well, to begin with I am simply thinking that I don't think I can type for 20 minutes without my fingers cramping up. But that is Ok I suppose since I doubt that anyone will ever read this because in a class of 500 students, I don't think anyone is insane enough to sit down for the time it would take to sort through my terribly confused thoughts. Confusion is a funny thing. It comes all at once and for most people it comes quite often. At least I think it comes quite often since it comes to me quite often. Even when you know exactly what to do, sometimes you can get confused because you don't want to do what you are supposed to. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. (In a manner of speaking) I am thinking that I am tired of writing about confusion. It's kind of like thinking about thinking. I heard that it is bad for you to do that. I think it destroys brain cells. But then again, a lot of things destroy brain cells. Drugs destroy brain cells. I don't do drugs because I don't think I have very many brain cells to spare. Wow, only 5 minutes have passed! That is terrible because the tips of my fingers are getting sore and I don't want to stop because you just might have some kind of secret timing mechanism on this little web site of yours and I am taking no chances with that kind of stuff. I know how sneaky teachers can be. I know how sneaky students can be. Some chick was all cheating on out Math Quiz today. I don't know who she was, but she was just flipping through her notes. The teacher had no clue. He was too busy daydreaming. I could have cheated also, but I don't like to cheat. I think that if my best isn't good enough for the professors at UT, then too bad, I'll go to community college. I would rather have a degree from ACC that I earned than one from UT that I cheated my way to getting. I think most people would agree with me but who knows! I tend to think that people are good. But that notion has bitten me in the buttocks more than once. Take for instance my good friend Tiffany. Yes, good ol' tiffany. I loved her to death. We were really good friends. We did everything together. Then one day I found out that she was sleeping with my boyfriend, John. That was quite a shock to me. I was so depressed. I didn't even want to get out of bed. I did, but it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was really very in love with him and I thought that he was in love with me too. I guess that is just one example of how stupid I am. So I guess I learned from my experience. People aren't as good as you would want them to be. But then again maybe I didn't learn jack. because the next guy I went out with was a jerk too. Well, he actually was a decent guy. At least that is what I said to everyone when they told me he was a "player". Oh gosh I still have 7 more minutes. Well anyways, they told me he was a player but he said that he thought I was the most beautiful person he had ever met, inside and out. That was it, I was hooked. That is all I have ever wanted was for someone to tell me that I was special. He made me feel pretty and he told me I had the most awesome personality he had ever encountered in a person. I loved hearing him say that. I was willing to risk everything. I even compromised my friendship with my roomate. See, she said they were just friends, and so did he, but then when him and I went out for the first time, she was very pist off. I didn't know why, but it became a suspicion of mine that she secretly liked him. I asked her about it, and she denied it. But I still to this day do not know what to think about her liking him. I mean, she did encourage me an unususal amount to break up with him. Not that it would do her any good because he really would never go out with her. But still, I wonder sometimes if she ever did like him. She is a strong willed person and I thought that she would just come clean and admit it if she did. But the thing about strong people is that most of the time they are often weak. they are just good actors and can hide it better than the rest of us. I think all humans can have the same amount of strenghth. I think that if you just pretend to be strong, then everyone will think you are strong. It is from this facade that you can draw strenght. Take for instance Omar. I act like I don't care about him at all when really I still care for him a lot. Now, since everyone thinks I am strong I just pretend that I don't care about him and it helps me to deal with it when we are around each other. I guess I kind of slipped the other day when I got drunk and called him on the telephone at 4:00 in the morning. Hey, I hope nobody reads this because this is some embarassing stuff and I really don't think that anyone should know about my loser life except for me and the Power Macintosh. OK well I am pretty much done now. I guess that wasn't so hard after all. I hope the next assignment is this easy. Not that my hands aren't going to cramp up when I finally press submit. Ok, I'm done.
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Ok. . i;m sitting in this computer lab of this co-op I'm supposed to like and really bond with. Unfornuately, I don't like the people very much,it smells, and the kitchen always wreeks of too much garlic (like a disgusting amount. ) Oh well. But I really like this keyboard. I think typing on a good keyboard is very important. It can really effect your typing and writing experience. It also has this great squishy thing for my wrists to sit on. All I want to do is pinch it all day. But there are other things I have to do. :) ok. what next. well some say I'm very neurotic, but my boyfriend was supposed to call around noon and I've called 3 times already and he hasn't picked up the phone. It kind of worries me when he's that late at returning my phone calls. THEN I think about this really great hair iron I just got a week ago and how wonderful it is. It's so wierd that something could make your hair look so healthy when it is actually so damaging for your hair. Get this. it get's so hot, that i've had serious burns on my hands from just barely touching it. They don't like to sell this iron to regular consumers (I guess I know why) but I got a special hook up. Now here's where I get neurotic. I'm really scared that I DIDN'T turn off the iron this morning before I left and I wanted to tell Chad to check when he wakes up. BUT what if he hasn't woken up because the whole upstairs is on fire and he's lying there unconscious or even dead????? See what I mean? I'm a huge worrier. Sometimes I feel that I could strech my brain so far that I could litterly make myself crazy with worry. Well, my feeling is. what if it were actually true? you know, bad things have to happen to sombody. Why does everyone think they won't happen to THEM???? Well, technically, If I were to leave the iron on, it would probably just deconstruct itself and melt the plastic tub underneath it. But it could get hot enough to start a fire, I guess. you never know. Well now I'm getting hungry and I'm trying to decide how to spend my time before going to Psychology at 3:30. I have to put a note on this girl's door so she can help me find a replacement so I can get out of the god-awful place and then I have to check my labor assignments and then I have to check the phone book for the nearest cell phone provider so I can get a phone charger replacement. Whew!!! quite a day. Oh, and I have to cancel an appointment with my dad because I just want to spend a few hours with my boyfriend. It that so wrong!!!!???? I saw my Dad for 3 hours yesterday and he still wants more time the following day!!! Sometimes people just drive my crazy.
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I don't know a lot of people in every one of my classes and that makes me nervous and anxious. I guess I also am feeling very excited too. I am away from home, from parents and rules, and away from people I know. I like familiarity. That is like a comforting thought to me. I can't stand the fact that this school is so huge that I don't even know where my next class is. All I want to do is curl up in my dorm bed and stay there. Even though I don't like my bed at all because it isn't like mine at home, it will do. I am excited about the weekend that is coming up. I get to go home and see my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. I wake up every day from the day I got here to look forward to this weekend. I don't know why, but I guess I am lonesome. In addition, I didn't make the Longhorn Band, which was very upsetting to me. I am very upset that I didn't make it because I knew I could have. It's just that in the back of my mind, I knew that if I make Longhorn Band, I wouldn't be able to go home to visit as much I want to. So, I really didn't give the audition my best shot because, as much as I wanted to make it, I didn't want to just as much. No matter which way I looked at that, I guess I feel good that I didn't make it and I regret it because I wanted to make it also. That was a conflicting feeling that was bothering me too. Another thing that scares me is that I made the decision to take Chemistry even though I did rather poorly in high school. But something in me just wanted to take it and prove to myself that I wasn't dumb in Chemistry. I just am stubborn when it comes to giving up. I can't stand it when I can't finish something or I am not good at something that I could be. Maybe that's why I am so confused about the Band thing. No matter what, I want to kick myself for not making it, but on the other hand, I am jumping for joy because I know I won't be as stressed out and have time to do stuff. I was in Band all through high school and I guess I decided to continue in college because it was a familiar thing for me. Plus, I had such a bad experience with band directors that I was rather wary of the ones here. But I made such great friends in Band that I am afraid that I won't have any while I am here not in Band. Another thing that worries me is that everyone tells me that I will change and stuff and they say things like, "Oh, you're probably going to 6th Street and party all the time. " Even as a joke, I found that very insulting. How do they know that I will change? Yes, it's true that I may change, but I have rigid moral standards that were inhibited in me from the day I was born so I don't think the changes will be that drastic or horrifying. Whenever anyone says that, I get really annoyed and frustrated. Another major thing I worry is whether I will ever get used to the fact that I am no longer living at home with the "comfort zone" that I was accustomed to. I mean, I am afraid to go home and find out that people over there changed a lot too. It's troublesome to me. Like Chemistry. I also worry about the fact that NONE of the clocks run together and classes end at varying times. I am so scared to walk into a class late, making the professor mad or annoyed. That's another fear of mine that I can see happening and I worry very much about it. That is why I tend to run out of classes, even though I have plenty of time. I am the typical goody-goody that never disobeyed the parents and had many people that had high standards for. So I hope I don't let them down while I am here. No matter what, I can't help that I am who I am for others. I am the oldest of three kids and my parents always told me to set a good example for my younger siblings. If I screw up, they will too, as I was told. You have no idea what kind of pressure that is to me. I hope that I don't let anyone down, especially myself, whoever that is.
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well I guess I begin. anyway, I don't really have a clue as to what I'm thinking or feeling at the moment actually. I'm hoping that the psychology computer gets this even though I'm not saving it in word processor but whatever. I had a good day today well I guess. I went to mason's funeral. things just. well. I can't really place how I feel about that. well I'm upset, but can't place exactly why. but I don't feel like talking about this. I'm interested in the weirdness and indecisiveness of my mind. my husband just walked over here to check out what I'm writing. he only had to read the first few sentences to figure out exactly or should I say how inexactly my mind works. now, why does it work like that? your guess is as good as mine. but whatever. I wish I had a game of some sort. maybe just a pet to play with. I love my husband very very much anyway my friend reggie used to write sort of like this in a metaphorical way. anyway. I feel like I'm throwing off the experiment by writing stupid shit. perhaps in another place another time will unfold to a utopia that sings the praise of wrath in a time where pain is nonexistent but perhaps that makes no sense. but anyway I guess I'll keep on typing what pops into this head of mine or theirs or his or hers. from laura's box or my box. I hope lisa gets my time card I'm pretty sure I turned it in but I can never really be sure of anything. now can I? so I'll continue about the unicorns of relentlessness and the dwarfs of forgetfulness while I sing. la. la. la. but to be exact well my mind seems to be shutting down. I don't have thoughts all the time like most people. the only person I've met who doesn't either is my mom wait but maybe I have thoughts that are just on hold or don't ever quite make it to where my interpreters can interpret my interpretations of the world around me. but anyway I believe in god I believe in nothing also. but how can that be. it's a "metaphysical can of worms" that we've just opened up now isn't it no I'm not. it hasn't been twenty minutes yet yep that's right. sorry to burst your bubble but that's what I want to do anyway I happen to be learning quite a bit about myself at this point. in fact this is rather therapeutic. what would he write if he had to write for twenty minutes I think that these should be anonymously posted so that I can feel better knowing that someone is just as nutty as I am. or even that I'm not ridiculous. anyway I doesn't. blah blah so
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ok, I guess I really don't know where to start. I just got out of my BA101 class, which was possibly the single most boring experience thus so far since classes began. I guess maybe I should have stayed longer, but there were so many freshman around me with their eyes so wide open, and trying to make friends with everyone around them, that I couldn't stand it for very much longer. this screen is really bothering me because it seems as though I’m writing all of this on one very long line, I'm wondering if there is some way I can go about fixing it after this is all over, because it is really annoying and it seems as though I'm not writing anything. I don't know what I'm going to do tonight, it's too late to call my boyfriend, he lives overseas, and there is a seven hour time change. I hope everything is going well with him, because he is going into his obligatory military service soon and he is really nervous about it. If only I was still in France that way I would know that everything was going well with him. this is a really huge box that I'm writing in because the wrap around just came into affect. very strange, very very strange. I guess I'm at a point where I don't exactly know what to write about because my mind is kind of going blank. My friend once told me that he never stops thinking, that at all times he is thinking about something, and when you are talking to him, that he may or may not be thinking about the subject that you are talking about with him. that worries me, because sometimes I see I’m smile for no apparent reason when we are talking, and I just know that the last thirty words that I have just said, he is paying absolutely no attention to. my friends are kind of strange in that they are all in their own little worlds, that's not saying that I'm not. But my little world seems a little bit more down to earth then the ones that my friends are living in. Maybe that's why I'm taking psych instead of sociology, it's because I’m trying to figure out who these people are and why I chose them as my friends. It could be an extension off this whole existential kick hat I've recently gotten into. My boyfriend is really into existentialism, and so the only thing I've been reading as of late has been Kundera and Sartre. But then of course I must be honest, I'm taking this course because it is located close to my other class on Tuesday Thursday, and it is at a convenient time relative to that class as well. Not to mention my friends who have taken soc, told me it was echelons more boring than this class was to take. I hope I get a good grade in this class, after this last semester, my grades are suffering, I literally dropped my GPA by . 4 over this last summer semester, which should indicate that I really didn't do very well. But I only have 35 hours, so if I do well this semester, I can bring my GPA back up over 3. 5 and maybe my parents will start being nice to me again. It's not like they aren't nice now, but they are "really disappointed how I handled last semester" that is "considering that we sent you to France last you, you could at least try a little harder" this would all be said in the James Earl Jones low god-like voice that I always get in my head whenever my Dad is yelling at me. I probably get that in my head, because my Dad yelling at me reminds me of Darth Vader when he's mad at the corporals, and James Earl Jones is the voice of Darth Vader, do you see the connection? Anyway, so I'm trying to make my grades appear somewhat better, because if I do, they will probably let me go on the intensive French study program I want to go to next summer. and then I can see my boyfriend he is so cute. I miss him a lot. I tend to think about him most when I'm either lonely or bored in class. That only either maker me more distracted from the work I should be doing, or even sadder about being all alone. If only he could be American, my life would be so much simpler. Have I been writing for twenty minutes yet, I swear I've been writing for decades, and my hands are starting to get lazy, and tired, and I really don't want all these people around me in the computer room, and I wish that I had had the time to take a shower this morning, because I think all day in the sun has really made me start to smell. I have to have been writing for over twenty minutes now, because the people at the workstations around me have already started leaving, granted they were here before I even started this little assignment, into the mind of the student at the University of Texas. I'm starting to think I'm going to end this pretty soon, because that is the only thing I can think of right now, is when am I going to end this assignment. I think this would probably be a good time because this is starting to redundant. But you said that it didn't matter what we said as long a s we did the assignment and wrote for twenty minutes. so here I am my twenty minutes complete, and I am saying good bye and thank god this is over. only one more to go.
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I’m finally getting to write this. I should have done this two weeks ago. well my girlfriend came by, she’s in high school still, and she's going to miss the rest of the day to be with me, but first she has to go to the doctor. I really love her alot. damn I hate it when people call me and want all this information, they really piss me off. Dalmatians aren’t good dogs once they get bigger. they are really mooding and alot are being brought to the animal shelter, I don’t work there or anything, I just heard it on the radio. I work at the library, but I’m not working today because I broke my finger playing softball with my brother, I got 4 hits, but its nothing like baseball, I’m going to walk on at UT but I don’t know if ill make it or not, but I’m going to give it my best try. me and my girlfriend have been going out for a month now, we met about 8 months ago and dated a bit then, but nothing serious ever happened, that’s probably because I was still hung up over my old girlfriend. but know its just me and her and we are in love. we’ve only had sex once and I think that’s good, because with my ex-girlfriend that’s all we ever did when we were with each other, and it became pure sexual. I don’t want that to happen with Erin(my girlfriend now) I really really want to get serious with her, I think I found the girl I could spend the rest of my life with sounds strange, but I really think I have. anyway I wish shed hurry up and get back I miss her. I think the reason we haven’t had sex more often is we never have the opportunity, her parents or grandmother are always home and my parents are home too, but I think that will change. I hope we stay together forever, and I know she’s does because she feels stronger about our relationship than I do, so I know I wont have anything to worry about. six more minutes and I’m finished, oh well I think this is fun. the simpsons are stupid, I use to like it when I was younger, but now I think its just stupid, I’m going to kill myself, just kidding, my brother and his wife are both psychology majors, my brother went to swt for fours years and know is a police officer, and his wife went to Texas for like 8, she was on the deans list and everything she’s super smart. well I’m getting on out of here, its was nice talking but I need to go to class,
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Right now I feel like there must be something more important that I could be doing. That's not to say that what I'm doing right now is unimportant, but I feel that there is something more imperative looming. I feel like I need to clean my room because all of my clutter is getting annoying to look at. I feel like I brought to many things with me to college in order to ensure my comfort, but all these things are only making me more uncomfortable by their presence. Tomorrow I have a test in chemistry that I think is going to be really easy. Hopefully it turns out as easy as I think it will. I don't really need any surprises right now. I wonder if the medication I'm taking for my earache is giving me all these rashes or if it's just the less than par level of cleanliness in the mighty Jester East. I heard that it's dirtier than Jester West but I'm beyond caring. Rat dander and roach feces don't bother me until I see them. The only thing that really nags me about my dorm room is the bed. Who knows what nasty things that old mattress harbors? If I was really anal retentive I wouldn't be able to sleep on it because of the thought of all the stuff that it has probably accumulated over the years, but instead I succumb to fatigue, grimace in disgust, and lay my head down once again. Speaking of which, my head itches. Rat dander, I tell you. In addition to my concern over the probable existence of rat dander is my concern over the obvious existence of dust. I have never seen quite so much dust. They told us that the air conditioning system wasn't working properly and that they were working on it. It appears to work just fine in regards to spewing dust all over my precious things that annoy me so much. I guess I'll just have to buy some eye drops to go along with the calamine lotion for all these rashes I've been getting. I got the last bottle at Jester store. It was sitting there sort of lonely like it didn't belong at all so I just grabbed it up. I scoff at the poor soul who doesn't develop rashes until a few days from now for he will be forced to go elsewhere for calamine. I think my leg rash might be flaring up again. That sucks. I wish I had absolutely nothing that I needed to do right now because then I could just sit in front of the tv watching a movie and scratching my leg. Now that's the life. Too bad I'm bogged down with college and all of this success waiting to happen to sit around and do nothing. And so ends my stream of consciousness as I am much too absorbed in my itchy leg to think any longer. Plus my 20 minutes is up.
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At first when I came to UT I was really scared that I was not going to make any friends. Right away I met many people and made many acquaintances. I am not sure I have made any really good friends. I feel lonely many of the times even though I am constantly around different people. For me to feel good is to be loved and that is not happening. First of all, I have no family near me which removes that area of love. My best friend, Milan, is one who I can turn to. or so I thought. He seemed to have become distant from me than usual and I did not appreciate it. Actually it made me jealous because I need attention. So then I began to think that I might like him more than a friend. One of my good friends ended up telling him that I like him. It made things worse than before. But now he likes me and still wants to date other people. I think I really like him so this bugs me. I don't know what I should tell him. I think that he does not like me the way I like him. He told me he was going to come over today but he did not. He did not even bother to call and let me know that he was not going to come. He is probably out, clubbing or something. It was rude of him to not even give me a call. Situations such as these make we wonder if anyone really does care about me. I feel like some how I am always betrayed. Why is that? I wish I could be happy in my life. That is all that I ask for and wish for in my life. I feel like nothing really makes me happy. I am not saying I am always sad and my life sucks because this is not the case. I am just saying that sometimes I am sad and maybe sometimes I am content with my life. Content is not good enough for me. I want true happiness and not by myself but with another person. I am trying to find that happiness but it is way out of my reach. Why is that? Why me? I ask myself these questions all the time and ponder to myself. I think that in life I will never really be successful or anything because I get lonely really easily. I can't even go to the store by myself or to the grocery store. I need someone to go with me. Is that a bad thing? I think that it is because I am not very independent. I want to have someone with me all the time because I like the company. My best friend also tells me that I crave attention. I don't know about all that. Maybe I do though, who knows? School is stressful for me. There is so much studying to do and I feel like I have no time to do it. There is time though but I don't like to be alone. And to study you need to be alone to really get things done right. I guess I just need to figure out my stuff and then everything will be ok. Hopefully all will work out best.
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An open keyboard and buttons to push. The thing finally worked and I need not use periods, commas and all those thinks. Double space after a period. We can't help it. I put spaces between my words and I do my happy little assignment of jibber-jabber. Babble babble babble for 20 relaxing minutes and I feel silly and grammatically incorrect. I am linked to an unknown reader. A graduate student with an absurd job. I type. I jabber and I think about dinoflagellates. About sunflower crosses and about the fiberglass that has be added to my lips via clove cigarettes and I think about things that I shouldn't be thinking. I know I shouldn't be thinking. or writing let's say/ So I don't. Thoughts don't solidify. They lodge in the back. behind my tongue maybe. Somewhere at the point of hiding but dinoflaghelates, protistas and what was that sea weed. I think about the San Luiz valley and I think about the mushrooms in cow shit. I think about the ticos and I think about the chiggers that are living in my legs. I itch. I coat myself with clear nail polish in hopes to suffocate the bugs that are living in my legs and I remember Marco. I remember Ecuador and I think about my thoughts and what I am not supposed to be doing in this assignment. Thoughts. I wonder if I think in sentences I wonder what affect my slowish typing has on my stream of consciousness and I wonder if there is a way that typing speed can be measured in this study so that so link some generalization of dorky 301 psyc students. green and the table in my kitchen makes me want to vomit. orange. What an absurd color. wish I wasn't in the united state. My greencard runs out in a few years wonder what I do. I hope Dr. Linder gets back in his lab because I really need to find out if he has funds to pay me. May have to go back to the library. Brainless job of nothingness that would make me wallow in the world of boredom which isn't entirely bad. Need to focus on school organics and such. Period. Two spaces after the period. Mistakes and I want to eat not hungry and I wonder how many people talk about food in there little computer ramblings Feel open and Happy that I am not having to edit this. Type type I don't know what I am think Hannah Imi and Osdprey house. I remember when I went down to that . she had spiders on hurt wall pain all over the place and we painted clouds on the ceiling and the blue walls were so obnoxious. Carey. Sex sex sex. yeah. This is a strange assignment and Portonoy's complaint is ringing in my head. Eager to finish so that I can start for Whom the Bell Tolls and get on with it. Bio and Carbon atoms bonds and orbitals. Thinking about the electron configuration that surrounds the last letter in my first name and I think that I must have been granted a full "s" orbital one up and one down. spinning on opposite directions and I am thinking about Scottish poetry about Mike in his kilt and about my guitar that I am slowly slowly slowly learning to play. I wonder what goes on in this study. I wonder if those happy little bored entertained grad students will scan words and I wonder how I can mess up this study? Random words like . don't know. ;Me me me me me and I wish that some things were easier and I wish that I had been keeping my eye on the clock. Wondering how long I have been typing and wishing that I was finished because I need to find out if I have to / will work in the Botany lab again and all that . ILS Belly and the Flamenco. Bjork and Rozamond Cockrill kickin' it in Saratoga Springs. I hate Molly's cat and wish that it could be exchanged for a worthwhile ferret. Type type type. I have managed to waste over 20 minutes of time I think. Who knows. What If I was to write this out and it took 30 minutes to write and 15 minutes to type. Thinking about nothing and wishing that some financial aid would come my way. Need a job and a sprinkling of time. Time to go and sign outta here. trees
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I've been thinking a lot lately on the topic of studying other people, using them as test subjects, objectifying human beings, I really feel that it degrades their very being. I don't understand another human's need to study and examine what makes another human tick. I wish that I could say that I am exempt from this curiosity, but sadly I am not. I find myself hypocritically fascinated by the way that people lose themselves in their jobs, in causes, in religion. They somehow manage to pound it into their heads that whatever it is that they're involved in is important, means something, when in reality 100% of professions and causes are just as pointless as the lives of the people lost in them. None of it will rally matter once these people are gone, and the strange thing is that I think they all know this deep down, they've all had that thought in their life before. Yet they still go on, slaving their lives away, building the modern day pharaoh's modern day pyramids. Just pawns to those that were lucky enough to be born into wealth. God only knows what they would do if they were forced to face the reality of their banal situations. Which raises another good topic, religion, now everyone knows that religion is make-believe for grown ups, just another thing to keep perpetuating the myth that our lives matter in some deep and profound way. Religion as we know it was made to control the masses, sort of a justification for law, and also something that keeps people inline above law, like a conscience. But the religions that we have come up with are so ridiculous we have to implement them to our young at ages when they are too young to tell the difference between real and fake. We teach them religion as fact when they are too young to differentiate for themselves the difference between fact and fiction. It's funny that we act as if what religion we pick matters, as if one is even different that the others, they all have the same common goal to keep people living in the hierarchy, keep believing that by divine right the rich were born to a life of comfort and luxury and the poor must suffer in order for rich to have such pleasant lives. In tribal societies religion doesn't have to be forced on the new generation, rather they welcome it with open arms, just as they aren't forced to work in their lives, rather they do it out of necessity and a primal urge to conform to your own society. People allowing themselves to be controlled really bothers me, it's clear that people can live, sustain life, off very little, and will slave their lives away rather than die. However I can't comprehend how our society got to this point, where the slave drivers now wear a smile while fucking people in the ass. We somehow fib ourselves into believing we need cell phones, computers, tv's, cars, when it's a fact that none of these things even existed 50 years ago. People actually lived without any of this bullshit for 3 million years, people just like you and me, people just as smart, and just as naive. It's clear that society breeds evil not the other way around, the pilgrims committed mass genocide on the indians, but it is forgiven as they were just spreading the one right way to live, that we have so enlighten found. People lived without all this none-sense that we tell ourselves we couldn't live without for nearly 3 million years. But those are all things that no one wants you to know, except maybe Daniel Quinn, Derrick Jensen, John Zerzan, and Chuck Palahniuk. Those are the men that will save our planet and our existence if it isn't already too late. The doomsday clock is set to 40 years from now, that is the point of no return, if things stay the way that they are now, there will be no hope for the future. If we had all just stayed with animism, and believed that the earth is not something for us to own, or control, if we would acknowledge that we are the weakest animal alive in that we are totally and utterly dependent on other animals giving their lives so that we may survive, how could we take away their right to the same land we live on. But there are no classes teaching what people really want to know, what they need to know, only classes perpetuating our way of life. Only classes brainwashing the brainwashed so suddenly that we don't even notice. So why study me when there are billions of other mindless zombies in this world. Now I realize that my writing may sound bleak, as if I'm in a state of utter depression, that I'm innately sad, but it's my very strong belief that with the world the way it is everyone should, and deserves to feel the depression that haunts us all. We keep on trying to come up with ways to hide from ourselves the atrocities being carried out everyday by white collared crooks, making executioner executive decisions. But humans shouldn't need pills to control their feelings, they shouldn't need pills to make them happy, they shouldn't need pills to force their inner feelings into submission. It pains me very deeply to see the day to day transfer we are making into a controlled society, and the people that don't see it, if it isn't already here. Our phones are tapped, our emails are spied on, the government we live under even monitors what books we are checking our in order to make sure were not reading anything that could be dangerous. People wake up everyday and take zoloft, prosac, ritalin, adderol, valium, zanex, anything that will keep them from deviating from what is considered acceptable behavior, to keep them inline. Anything to keep them from focusing on how ridiculous it all is, anything to keep them so fucked up they just don't care anymore. Anything to hide the fact that the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out, there is no hope for the future we are writing now, at least none that includes us. For a species that holds it self in such hich regard, the top of the food chain, the center of the universe, in our own special classification, we sure act stupidly. If we were to open our eyes we'd see that the real criminals are the rich old men living in their mansions, with drugged up kids, both pharasudically, and illegally, allowing oppression, deforestation, slavery, pollution, and the lot to continue everyday, infact they make sure it grows, because you can't stop progress. They are very rapidly destroying any traces of another way of life with every indigenous tribe they try to save" by spreading the word of a god that allows his people to be in a constant state of submission, so that they may enter an endless world of happiness once their life here is over. I'm here to tell you that no such place exists, god is just santa clause for adults. Where was god when the twin towers were hit, where was god when the indians were wiped out by the white man, where was god when the germans were killing the jews, where is god now when people are so cleverly brainwashed since the time they are born that they don't even notice when they're doing it to their own children. I for one would hate to be responsible for bringing another life into this god forsaken waste land. Everyday we scorch the earth with new roads, we rip the earth apart for new buildings, we destroy the earth for a made up monetary system. No one seems to see the bull shit that is going on here, before civilization no one had to work, in fact tribal people have no concept of work, they do what they have to in order to survive and they spend the rest of their time living, doing whatever it is that they want to. We have some how been duped into believing that this way of life is unacceptable, lazy, pointless, a waste, yet we fail to see that our way of life is just as pointless, just as wasteful. Only we have to lie to ourselves and children right from the day they are born, because the way we live is so heinous, so vile, so wrong that our children can't handle it, and for the most part neither can we. We could change everything in one generation, if we all started living a different way one day the whole system would collapse on itself, but we lie to ourselves and force our own minds to believe that this is right, that this is the way things must be and that there's nothing we can do about it. "People cannot risk being overwhelmed by the anxiety which might accompany a full cognitive and affective grasp of the present world situation and its implications for the future" - Grimspoon JG4EVER
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I am watching t. v. and waiting for my friends to get here from out of town. which I don't even know if they are going to show up because they are taking a really long time. I like that movie 50 first dates. I said that because I'm watching t. v. oh I already said that. well any way I am just so bored trying to finish my homework before tommorow just so I won't have a lot to do during the week. I'm waiting for my boyfriend to come home also, but he'll be here on friday. I wish he wasn't in san antonio right now. it always seems like gets down when he visits san antonio. and now he's at the hospital because his cousin stopped breathing. I pray to God that she's. I had one of those pop ups come up because I am on my slow, old computer. I watching the monk. I love the monk because it's mysteries. and the monk always has some cool way to figure out the murders. it's a marathon and I'm starting to get tired of watching it. I hope that venus williams wins in her tennis match today. that will shut some of those people that are saying rude things about her father up. I like both of the sisters but venus hasn't won in a long time so I think it's her turn to take the crown. I am almost half way through this writing assignment. I keep reminding myself that I need to take a look at the experiments so I can sign up for them. I forget how many hours I need. Oh I just looked at the paper, it says 5 hours. I don't know what to write because I haven't been involved in a lot of interesting activities. I wish my friends lived in austin then I wouldn't have to rely so much on seeing derrick. I hope this isn't the same monk, it is so I need to change the channel. I don't know what to watch we got this digital cable but it repeats the channels over and over. Derrick is going to have to give them a call and let them know that. I hope that wasn't intented. man, there is nothing to watch on labor day. I hope I got my class code right because I didn't write it down. that wasn't very smart. now I'm watching the source awards from two years ago on BET. I got to find something a little better to watch. I just changed to what not to wear. I think this show is nice because it makes people over to look so nice. that would be nice in a way if someone did that to me, but then I would be affended that people don't like the way I dress. I have always wanted to be a model, but as they say it takes money to make money. I have this filling that I might win the lottery but I guess everyone has that feeling. I love to talk about what I would do if I won the lottery. I would certainly give my mother a good sum of money and also my step dad. I would give my father enough so that he could retire from the army and not have to work anymore. I would also give my boyfriend a good sum of money because
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I am thinking about why exactly I am writing this. I am thinking about how each of my fingers move to touch the keys. Roseanne is on and it is starting to distract me. I really should pay attention to the writing but the sound of the people speaking is distracting me. The show is talking about feminism, which brings up an interesting point. I really don't like women who are amazingly feministic. I just forgot what my next thought was. Oh well, I feel kinda of hungry. Maybe I should get something to eat. But instead I have this laptop sitting on me while I try to type my steam of consciousness. Speaking of stream of consciousness, which I spelled wrong above. The stream of consciousness is something that I read in the textbook. Some doctor of psychology came up with this idea that monitoring the stream of consciousness will lead to people understanding more about themselves. Roseanne just made a joke and it is funny. But as I was thinking or writing which ever one your prerogative chooses. Before I digress, or maybe I will or maybe I won't. Now that I choose to reflect on my day I realize that I didn't get that much accomplished, but there is still a lot of the day left. I am really not sure where I am going from here. There was just a commercial about the aggie came against utah. boy I sure do love hi I just answered my phone and it is Kristi my friend she is also in psychology. we are talking about this assignment. she is walking back from the dobie center. I am supposed to meet her and her friend Richard. I am going to play Richard in football on the video game. Boy I really like football. Like I was saying I love football and I can't wait till the game against Arkansas. Boy that is sure going to be a good game. I just happened to notice that I only have six minutes left to write. I really like this assignment it is really fun. My hands are getting tired of typing and I just thought back to when professor said that someone put in instructions to a vcr that is definitely funny. I really don't like Roseanne but somehow she is getting my attention. I am really trying to concentrate on what I am thinking but I believe that is the reason it is hard for me to write more, because I am thinking so hard. My computer fan just turned on and that means it is starting to get hot. But in here it is actually cool. Speaking of my dorm room, I really like it. Well my 20 minutes is up but I am just going to finish writing this last line right here.
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I am at my friends house right now because I don't have a computer to use at my home. I just decided to get this assignment over with. This room is really hot. There are four people in this house right now. Jack, Richard, Julie, Sarah, and me. My girlfriend, Sarah is asking everyone of us to quiz her on her vocabulary that she has to memorize by Friday. It is very noisy in here and Jack is telling me to shut up. I really want to get drunk and have fun but I can't because I have school tomorrow. I need to stay focused on my school work and keep myself in control. I'm only a Freshmen and I'm really worried about UT because of the horror stories all my upperclassmen friends told me about. My father told me to concentrate on my studies because it is my responsibility to do excellent in school. He said that it is my life that I'm preparing for, not his. I'm also using my money because I'm using the loan that I received. I've been dating my girlfriend for two and half months and I think we're doing good. Everything is working just right. I cant wait till this weekend so I don’t have to worry about school for about two days. Actually, I have to do some reading and a short homework. I wonder if anyone sent me a E-mail. I better check it when my twenty minutes is up. I cant believe how much money I spent ever since I came to Austin. I spent so much on food, clothes, gas, and more food. Oh yeah, and mostly important, the books! (Yeah right!) Oh man! I did so bad in Philosophy today. I read my homework but still got a zero because the quiz was a little tricky. This is kind of fun expressing my thoughts on the computer. Oh! Twenty minutes are up! Bye Bye!
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So I'm a little nervous because I don't know what to do about my fig meeting today. I'm supposed to have it at 3:30, but last week no one was there. I can't decide if I want to go back out into the heat or just skip it. I wonder if it can count against you if you skip a fig meeting. I feel so stupid about being nervous to email the instructor. I am so excited about this wrist band thing. I wonder who I will go with to the OU game. I can't believe it is so soon. I'm freaking out. I hope I get a date. Lets see. I promised to get me, Patty, and Kelly a ticket so I can get three more for other people. I can't believe I am actually seventh in line. I hope the guy wasn't tricking me or lying to me because then I would feel really stupid since I've told a lot of people. Oh well. I don't even know what to right on these things. I really wish I was taking a nap right now. My thoughts don't flow as easily when I am being forced to right about them. And I really don't want to say something that could some how embarrass me. although I do that enough anyways. hmmmmm. This class seems like its going to be really hard. I am so confused about what my major should be. Why in the world did I choose advertising when I really don't think I have any interest in it at all. I wonder if its ok that I'm not capitalizing my I's". I'm so used to instant message typing. it gets hard to used apostrophes and capitalize words. oh well. I hope my cousin is doing ok at her new school. I feel so bad that I haven't talked to my parents so much since I've been here. I don't know if I have even called them twice. That makes me sad, I just feel like I don't have any time. Man , I really want some Kerby queso. maybe I'll get some later. I need to get this printer fixed if I want to be able to print anything out. Dang it. I wonder if I need to print out a confirmation sheet for this. Wait that is just for the pretesting. which was extremely long. I wonder if we can backspace on this thing. hah. I'm so excited about this weekend's "white trash party" my phone is ringing. I wonder if I should pick it up huh. I guess Ill just let it ring and listen to the answering machine and see if it is someone important. dial tone. ok and now my cell phone is ringing. ill just look and see who it is. of course its patty. its always Patty. I can't believe I got a yellow wrist band! Its so awesome. It really annoys me how I always press the Caps Lock button when I'm typing. I think I do it like once a minute. I must be the worst typer in the world. It really grosses me out to find my roommate's hair all over my floor. I don't know why she can't just pick up the dust buster once in a while. Oh I need to unlock my door so patty can get in. Oh well, next year's living arrangements will be better. But that really stresses me out! I can't believe I have to get my roommates together like before October. How do you even know who are your good friends yet. Well at least I will be with Kelly. I wonder if Patty is going to want to room with us or if she is just going to want to get her own group to room with. I'm sad Kristin is not going to get an apartment. I don't know why she wants to be an RA. It just seems like way too much responsibility. Oh well. Man I'm hungry , and it is a long long time till dinner. That sucks. Oh good, I thought I lost my Advertising syllabus. but its on my desk that is good. OH yah, I have to go do study hours tonight. That is good. That means I don't have to do my homework now. Maybe I can get in a little nap. Or maybe I should see if my fig is meeting today. I really should work out some. I have totally fallen off track on my working out. It totally stresses me out that I'm probably going to gain like the freshman 45. That is going to sucks. Oh well at least its better than being 85 pounds like last year. Maybe I shouldn't write that on this. Oh well, I tell everybody anyways. I just have like absolutely no motivation to work out. They are right about one thing. Gregory might be close, but your bed is so much closer. I hope my parents aren't like shocked when they see me again. lol. Where is Patty. She called like five minutes ago and it definitely doesn't take that long to ride the elevator 4 floors. Maybe she wanted me to bring her down my book. I need to tell her I will need it tonight during study hours. She will probably be upset. Its my book though. I really need to put away some of this clean laundry. What am I going to wear at the White Trash party. I don't know if I really have anything for that. I guess I should go to Walmart and get a wife beater or something trashy like that. I really want to wear a trucker hat. Ill borrow one. Okay here she is. F
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Okay so I'm just going to start typing. Cough Cough I wonder how I got sick. Did I catch something from Joe because he was sick last week but maybe it was from sleeping with the fan on high. Oh well I'm feeling better today than I was before. Wow it hasn't even been two minutes yet. How am I going to keep thins up for twenty? Oh well at least it doesn't really matter what I type. I wish I knew how to type faster. I have to slow my brain down to get my fingers to keep up. Stupid geometry book. I hope that I did my homework proofs right. Thanks so much Mr. Knight for not making me do proofs in high school geometry. I'm really not an orange juice fan, but I have to drink it so that I can tell John that I did so he won't worry about me not getting enough vitamin C with my cold. Ooh I need to plug my cell phone in I think it's about to die. I'm really glad I called Mama today on the bus ride home. I miss her. I wonder what I should get her for her birthday. It seems like it was her birthday just yesterday. This year went by super fast. Six minutes down fourteen to go. I'm starting to get hungry. What do I want for dinner tonight? I kind of want to order some chicken wings but I shouldn't they're to fattening and we have tons of food here. I should make something. maybe I'll just heat up some chicken and dumplings. That would feel good on my throat. That tomato soup I had the other day was really good too, even if it was hill country fair or whatever that crazy generic HEB brand is. I miss Brookshire's and good old Hi Top brand. Nobody here has even heard of Brookshire's. I guess it's because their all from Houston. Fuck Houston. Houston is not Texas. People who say they've been to Texas but have only been to Houston haven't been to Texas. Any way doo doo doo dooty doo. I'm seriously running out of thoughts to type. cough cough I need to go to John's to get my Roubatusin. I'm fairly certain that's not how you spell that but oh well I never claimed to know how to spell anything. Today I saw this girl over near the MLK statue with food in her hands holding it out to the birds and she let pigeons and grackles land on her hand and eat out of it. Not only let them but wanted them to. I had to laugh because I realized that girl must not know shit about shit" to quote the Daily Show. Only five more minutes woo hoo. Let's see when I'm done here I should work on my Spanish homework but I think instead I'll fill in my new uncalandar. I was so excited when I found it at the co-op today. I had one last year and I loved it. Then I went back this year and I couldn't find them. When I saw them today I bought two in case they didn't have them again when I go to buy school supplies next August. Okay two and a half more minutes. I wonder if I should stop in mid sentence when tim is up or finish my thought. Did it say that in the instructions and I wasn't paying attention? Oh well I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I can't believe I forgot to print the confirmation page for my pretesting I hope I get that credit That was one of the most boring experiences of my life I would hate to think it was all for nothing. Or naught as John would say.
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I am moving my foot back and forth and I find that to be very reliving for me . I can't believe that the only thing keeping me for getting married is my girlfriend, is that such a big deal am I ready for all that stuff. who is the best person I can talk to that won't ever judge me, I think that it is my girlfriend. I can't believe her, she is so rude to me when I do something that is not good as far as she is concerned. hard to believe is not it. I don't want to talk about this any more because I am not to worried about it. I have to swim in this thing some day I use to play football for A&M. I walked on my freshman year and now I don't do anything. I wish I could do something like that now not only reason to stay in shape and but also because I miss it and I want to play again. I type to slow I am very tired of it and I need to go.
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I'm writing here at the computer lab in Kinsolving. The reason I came here is completely and utterly foolish. My roommate tells me that this guy from a get together we went to last week is at the computer lab, and what do I do? I go downstairs, away from my wonderful studying environment and sit next to this not so wonderfully goodlooking guy, just because I think he has a nice smile. Good smiles are a must for me. I can't believe I'm writing this. This is my first college class, and I am told to write a paper about my thoughts, but I cannot help to be embarrassed by my ramblings on about some dude that I met at a party who has a nice smile. I never considered myself the type to concentrate on such superficial things. I never considered myself shallow. Maybe I am. Smiles are not shallow, though. Not to me, anyway. A great smile from someone just lifts me up so high. I cannot compare the feeling it gives me. hmm, lets see. It makes me feel like everyone around me has disappeared, as though I am the sole person on this earth, and that I am being blessed by this little piece of heaven, by this ray of positive energy. I feel motivated. I feel replenished. So, now I guess I know why smiles are so important to me. It's all about my selfishness. It's all about the feeling it give me when someone gives me a little piece of their soul. The funny thing is that this guy will probably never know what a wonderful impact he had on me. Does this make me a romantic person? I think not. I think this makes me a selfish person always trying to find some way of making myself feel better about who I am. I don't think I'm that wonderful of a person. I'm quite selfconscious actually. No matter what situation I'm in, there is always this sense of uncomfortable inhibition. I can never be myself, but then again, how can I be myself when I don't know myself? It's funny. I thought college would be this complete transformation. I thought that I would have millions and millions of opportunities to meet cool people, maybe get into a relationship, and find myself. So far, though, all it has been is complete and utter confusion. I am confronted with so many opportunities that I don't know where to begin; I am living in a world of constant ambiguity. If I didn't have my two best friends come with me to UT, I constantly be homesick. Well, now that I think about it, I don't think I would be homesick. My god, it scares me how NOT homesick I've been these past two weeks. I love my family a lot. I love my sisters a lot, but my parents are completely unstable people. On the way to Austin, for instance, they will not stop bickering back and forth in the car. They're divorced. They shouldn't stand the sight of each other, but for some odd reason, they continue to communicate. For a moment I thought maybe they did this for me. Maybe they though that by communicating, I would be happier, that I would somehow revert back to memories of good times and think that I had a normal family, but the fact is totally different. The fact is that I would rather them not talk or communicate for the rest of my life. I can sometimes hear the clashing of their personalities every time they're together; it's so strong. I used to think I was like my mother, but the last four years of my life, I lived with my dad alone, and realized that I am exactly like him. I even compared our palms once, and it was uncanny how similar it was. I never respected him. Maybe it was because my mother made me feel that way about him while I was growing up. I thought he was a weak man, that he didn't have the strength, just because he hardly talked. He was never charismatic or charming, he was never into "manly" things like sports and politics. He was just always there, in the background, resting his head in his palms, sitting with a pensive look that nobody could penetrate.
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At this moment I am in the FAC computer lab typing away among about 100 other students. Being a freshman, these first couple of weeks have been VERY hard of me. I live at home and commuting, to me at least, isn't a problem. But to other people, it is. They can't believe that I do. They think I have no life, won't make any friends and will be stuck at home my entire life. Which some of that is true. I do have a life, SCHOOL! I'm not going to UT to make friends, I'm paying to go here to get an education and make something of myself. Not to party on the weekends, get drunk, have sex with random people and "buy" my friends by joining a sorority. I probably will live at home during my undergraduate career. And why not? I live 15 miles away, why spend $8000 on room and board? I saves SO much money. I have a big family, 7 people. My older sister will be going to Medical school in two years, I plan on law school, my little school wants to be a doctor too and my little brother doesn't know yet. That much education, plus tons of other expenses add up. We could afford to live on campus, but I like my room and bed at home. We're hoping not to take out any loans for all my siblings and mine education, since taking and charging interest go against my religion, Islam. But enough of that. My classes are going well, except for this class, to be honest. I haven't done the reading. Which I better do soon, and I know I will. I've heard James is a good teacher, and I'm a great student, so there shouldn't be a problem. I know most people, especially freshmen, are too busy being distracted and having fun that all they care about is passing the class, or making a B. Which is fine. I really want an A though. Difficult to most people isn't that hard to me, I've always been in AP classes and I can handle working hard, which not a lot of people can, and not a lot of people want to. Besides school though I have two jobs. One at Tinseltown USA, and a box office person, selling tickets. And the other at Kaplan Test Prep, as an student advisor. I hate the latter. I wanted to quit so bad but they begged me to stay since a lot of people are leaving. The managers are SO rude to the students, which is SO wrong because they are paying $1000 to come there. But I only work Sunday, so it's all right. I don't have a boyfriend, which I sometimes wish I did. I want a companion, someone I can always talk to and someone that will listen to me and love me. It's really lonely not having someone like that. There are guys I would date, but either they wouldn't date, they haven't asked yet, or I can't date them. The can't category being one of my managers from work. He is the nicest guy I have ever met in my entire life. He's genuine, caring, goodlooking and funny. He deserves THE BEST. He's only 25, which is 7 years older than me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have feeling for me, and that's ok. I like the friendship we have now. I can talk to him about whatever I need to and he'll always be considerate about it. I wonder no one has taken him yet? I would if I was ready to get married. I've taken a few weeks off from my theatre job so I don't see him. Twenty minutes has gone by, but I like this. I didn't to clear my head. It's a good thing there is a writing assignment like this. I almost want to keep a journal now, which I've heard is a good idea. I think I'm going to go eat now, and then go to an SI for this class. :)
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Just got back from the store, its 10:30pm Sunday and I have a ton of home work. My EE321 lab is due this week, but the lab was closed today. makes me mad. No notice or anything, just *poof* and its closed. I studied witha friend for my other EE class. The stuff is easy but time consuming. I'm worried about my grade in there. Not so much in that I think I'm stupid, but that the Prof's tests are killer. I know this from *many* EE grads who have had him in the past. He's also known for being very hard on students in his office hours. something I'm not pleased with. I'd like to talk to him about the class without worring about him ripping me a new asshole just because I don't have the practical experiance in circuit theory he has. After all, I'm just a junior. School eats up most of my thinking. THere is always a deadline or a test or a lab (or a writting assignment) that is due. it always keeps me jumpy. Allison (my wife) is doing her laundry. on our porch. The washing machine is in our storage closet out there. I'm so glad we're moving. This place sucks. I don't like the way the managment was replaced. and how the new people will lie to the tennants. One building has termites, another gets broken into a lot. The managment will not address these issues, and will act surprised each time you tell them about it. like they didn't already know. All I know is that I have to stay late tomorrow on campus because I have to finish my lab, I might be on campus till 10pm tomorow for all I know. Lab does close at 10:45pm. so I couldn't stay any later than that. I hate lab. Its like they make it as hard as possible to get anything meaningfull done. Most of the equipment doesn't work, and what does work is being used by someone else. the work itself is never that hard, its just getting past all the setbacks (like bad chips, cables, caps, proto-boards, etc. ). And the hours for the weekend SUCK. ony open about 5 hours sat, and NONE Sunday. I hate it.
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well since I have this assignment in front of me it is obviously the first thing I am thinking about. I wonder if the fact that I have been thinking about doing this assignment will affect what I write down. it probably will. like, I knew this would happen. I was thinking as soon as we got the assignment that sex is always on my mind and since this is college, I think it will be ok to mention it. my back itches. I got a sunburn yesterday at the beach. I knew I probably should have put sunscreen on, but I am a procrastinator, so I never got around to it. I kept asking my girlfriend if my back was burning yet, and she kept saying "no", but I guess she couldn't really tell how bad it was. my roommate just asked me what we had to read for this class. I haven't really been keeping up with my reading lately. I skipped class today also just because I didn't feel like waking up on time. my girlfriend probably is not as smart as me, but most of the time she seems like she works harder than me. when we first started going out she never used to get mad at me for anything. now she is always getting mad at me for everything. she used to laugh when ever I would get lost driving around because I have a bad sense of directions, but now she just always yells at me and says "where the fuck are you going". I never get mad at her for things she does to me though. I have infinite almost patience with her. she lost a piece to a puzzle I have had since I was like 2 and all I did was tell her not to worry about it but when ever I do something small like step on her sandal at the mall she gets really pissed off and says "fuck Eric, watch where the fuck your going, that fucking the second time you've done that shit". I wish she was not always like that but I still love her very much. we've been together for nearly a year now so I am pretty sure we can last if we want to. I have economics to do.
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my roommate is gone once again. to class i believe. he's a strange sucker it really befuddles me how he denies having whey protein and instantly changes the subject. i wish my hands weren't so swollen it might make this easier. speaking of psycology the professors lecture today was interesting to say the least, especially finding out that scientists sit around shocking rats to make the ejaculate and pass out, very strange. also strange is how someone whom i thought was one of my most hated enemies or deemed me as such is sitting next to me in that class . and how the girl that sat next to me comes off as much more a city person than she really is. my floor is really strange, they all just sneak around, the first week i only saw one other person that lived up here other than my roommate who is strange himself as previously noted, i feel compelled to change my major to pys so i can deconstruct him and make him paranoid of the world, mostly cause of the whey protein incident. grrr and he plays video games non fucking stop it's driving me insane, and he's s junior. i t hought he was s freshman the way his mother was helping move him in and such, my folks didn't even help me pack back at home, they said see ya next weekend we're coming down for the game' i do'nt want to do my economics homework, so i'm doing this instead as a more viable excuse than just sitting in front of the computer chatting and checking the weather. leastwise i'm getting something done cause i won't be here thursday or friday on account of me going to a horse show in springfield ill. where i'll be competing for 2 national championships and as i think in contention for both, so it could potentially be a very good weekend. i'm also excited about seeing some girl friends i haven't seen in a yr and i'm hoping they are equally excited, but we'll see. and i hope our trainer doesn't mess the horse up before i show considering i'll have zero practice because i show right after i fly in speaking of flying i hope that planes will be in the air and a similar thing to last year won't happen. we had to drive 16 hours as opposed to flying since all flights were cancelled for an indetermined amount of time. and the show's bad timing of starting on the 12th. and of course it's the same this yr too i hate it when my brother's girlfriend tries to talk to me and i hate it when people ask what i'm doing, if i'm on the computer i'm on the computer i'm not doing anything elsewise i'd be out doing it. man coke is good, the beverage of course. so much better than pepsi and r. c. and that ripp of stuff you get at supermarkets that have stupid names. i hate pigeons they really bother me the seem so unclean especially when you are swimmin in the pool and they are drinking and bathing in the other side i hate that and those grackels they just look dirty and so annoying but the squirrels are cool i've been tempted many a time to just grab one but i think that wouldn't be wise especially since i don't plan on visiting the health center any time soon, so i refrain, but it would be cool especially to see all the out-there animal rights and weirdos faces, those people drive me insane and all the christian rhetoric don't they have something better to do than harrass me when i'm walking early in the morning or if i'm carrying something the bastards set it on top, ggrrrrrr, very aggrivating, and the newspaper what up with that if we want one we'll grab it ourselves, they'd probably get rid of more that way because the second you call out to someone they instantly take a defensive posture even if it is free. it's this damn culture of telemarketers and wackos, you're constantly berrated to buy something or not buy something on grounds that somebody else or something else will benefit, without regard to the purchaser, but one day i hope to exploit that just like the other guy because with the right mind set and marketing ploy people will buy anything you tell them to and that my friend has been proved over and over again. .
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I am happy that I made the transition from Georgia Tech to UT. I am cautious about my future and what I want to get involved in. I want to become a Texas Wrangler but I am unsure that they will take me. I want to do well in school and get in to law school. I don't study as much as I want to, and I need to work on that. I love sports and I like football most of all. I wish I had played football was a kid. I am excited about the future of our country and I want to get involved. I don't understand what this assignment is about, but I will write everything that is on my mind. I worry a lot about stuff that is of no concern to me. I try to be the best student and person that I can be. I have a lot of pressure on me from my past and the way I have been raised. I've always been a good student and pretty athletic, and I try to be the best at everything. I knew that is bad, but I feel that that is the way I was born. I believe our President is guilty and should be impeached for the good of the nation. He is a smart man, but he is personally corrupt. I have a roommate that is good. He is Norwegian and is a great student. He is fun to hang out with and we get along well. I have a girlfriend and I'm not sure if we should stay together. We get along well, but I feel like I have the whole world at my fingertips, and she is holding me down. , WE share a lot together and we are best friends, but she wants more. more time, more money. etc. My parents are strong Christians, but ?I am not sure that that is what I want. College is a time to figure all of this out, and I am glad I am here. It is a fun place and the knowledge here is overwhelming. I am like a sponge trying to get it all in my head. I want to be an attorney and I feel like al the knowledge will make me a better lawyer. I want to be the best that I can be and make a good future for myself. My Mom never went to college so she wants me to make the most of it. It is a lot of pressure from her, and I try to be a role model for my younger brother. He is a trouble maker, and I want to be a positive influence in his life. He is a good kid, but the friends he is with are not good for him. I love my family very much. I can't wait for the UT UCLA football game. I love the game and I love the school spirit it provides. I was an engineering major at Georgia Tech last year and I made the switch to UT all by myself. I am proud of that move, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It was the best move I've ever made. I like the big school here and the number of students here. I want to run for public office when I get older and make this country a better place. I feel like I can be a good leader and bring good things to this country. I am a good person, and I believe others will think so too.
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It is interesting to note that when I work on something in my head, I always forget what the details were unless I write it down. One thing I do remember though, are the feelings. I feel like what I had though was a great accomplishment that should have been written down to further my learning ability, particularly in math. With this I acn create a continuation, or a stream of consciousness type format within my math knowledge. This would help me learn a lot more on my own, rather than starting over as much as I do on particular problems. The only problem is I do not know how to keep a good organized notebook, rather I havjust not done it yet. I can keep things very well organized when I want t, but finding the motivation to do this , that is a hard thing to do. I wish I could find a way to ake a lot of things easier. Speaking of which, I always make things easier in math. I always say that I am so good at some things because I make those things much easier than most people make them. I do this because I am lazy. Simply put, I work on something to make it easier for me in the future. Ultimately I get easier work tat way, so I am a lazy, yet slightly thoughtful person. Thoughtful in the way of thinking, not as in the consideration of others. Well my roommate walked in the room, so my stream of consciousness is screwed. So hi!! Well, anyways what was I talking about?stuff. Ohhhh my laziness. That's a long subject. I am very lazy, but I really need to work on my laziness. I am trying to do this, my mental laziness is not very bad, but physically I don't do as much as I like. So, I guess signing up for intramural sports was a good thing. I am going to try flag football this semester. and I REALLY want to play ping-pong (a. k. A. table tennis, as I should probably start calling it). I was a little. Ok very. upset when I lost so many times the other day, I don't normally play as bad as I did that night. I just used a contraction, I was told not to use those in formal apers so I try not to ever use them in any type of written assignment, or even when talking o frieds, apparently I did not follow through with that a few moments ago. Well, other than that I am kind of at a loss on what to write. I am very hungry now, probably has something to do with the food I am smelling. I wishi could gain some weight. Which reminds me, I used to go around saying how much I wanted to be fat, but I quit saying that when some friends of mine told me how much that they did not like me saying that. My hands are getting tired and my mind is starting to sleep. My eyes are shutting too. Not good when I have 8 minutes and 16 seconds left. Oh well . I want to go eat now. I have a lot of homework tonight. I won't get to do anything fun, I won't ever get to do anything fun on the weekdays, I may have taken too many hours, but then again is college supposed to be asy???? No its not. ( I used that contraction again). . And I forgot the apostrophe, haha. Anyways college is supposed to be hard. So, I should probably enjoy working on homework 6 horus a day, catching up on the weekends while I do laundry, and then on the weekend nights I get time to play ping pong and be with other Dean's Scholars people and play intramural football with them. Speaking of which I played ultimate frisbee the other day. Err I mean yesterday. It was great, It was good to have some more physical activity in my life. I scare myself cause my abs. Well, where I should have abs at least. Still hurt from limbo three days ago. Also my legs hurt to. My roommate just said scrotum. I have no idea why. Scares me a little more . Just thought I would let you know that. He is nuts, I guess I should go back to what I was tlaking about earlier. Food. Haha, I wonder how many words I can type per minute, this would not be a good excercise to try out that theory though, cause if you take an averageit will be a lot lpwer cause I am getting very tired right now, that and I am not punctuating very well, and I am using contractions without the apostrophe's. My roommate just reminded me of George Carlin. Funny man!!! You should atch his stuff sometime, its hilarious. I am talking as if there is someone going to read this. Oh, only a minute and a half left. My eyes are starting to see some funky shiznit on this screen. Man, I am Hungry. !!!!! heh, I just looked at the time and it said 19 11, reminded me of 9:11, I see that all the time, or at least I used to on the alarm clock, or any clock for that matter, then I got hurt and it no longer showed up.
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Right now I'm thinking what I am going to write about. I am so tired and so ready for this weekend. I just worked four or five days straight and now I get the whole weekend off. So I am so excited, yet so exhausted. School is fun yet is hard to keep up with all the readings for every class all the time. I don't know if I doing anything right or not. If I actually understand what each class is going to be like or if I will succeed in every class. Tomorrow I have a full day off with only two classes and the rest of the evening to do whatever. FINALLY a night to do whatever I want to and enjoy the college life and atmosphere. Explore what UT has to offer. I need to talk to my teacher that I am an aide for by next Wednesday, when am I going to have time to talk to her throughout my busy schedule. All the books piling up on my bed. things I need to get done today or at least by this weekend so that I am caught up for classes next week. Finally next weekend I will be abl3e to go home. able to see all of my friends that I have not seen in probably 2 months. I am trying to be as quiet as possible so that my roommate can study and do whatever she is doing without me bothering her. I need to go shopping for some food for my dorm so that I actually have something to eat. Guess I'll probably go there tomorrow and find things that I will need and also eat. What am I going to do this weekend with all the stuff going on in austin. am I going to stay here or should I head back home? what should I do. Guess I'll see what I feel like this when this weekend comes. Gosh. I wish this time would be almost up so that I can get on to studying for my classes that I actually have tomorrow. I have so much to do yet so little time. Hmmmm. this pink lemonade that I made is kinda tangy, maybe needs some more water. I just feel like I have so much energy right now that I could do anything. I need to make some calls to the people I have not talked to in a while and just catch up on everything that is going on. my ffet are cold. guess I better go put on some socks. my ass is also getting kinda sore from sitting on this hard wooden chair that the dorms provide. I probably need to get a pillow so that I can sit here longer. dang my room also needs to be cleaned. it seems like the dust takes only a couple of seconds to land and make everything look dirty. the blue rug sure is starting to look sad. guess I need to go borrow the vacuum cleaner downstairs so that I can get it looking better. the room also feels like it is getting colder. I sure need to go shopping. sooon. but I have no money. I need to get some money from my parents. how I sure do miss having them around and having everything paid for. the room is so bland and plain. the green ugly tack board thing could use some decoration. I wish people wouldn't have to come see my room on Friday. maybe I won't be here when they come or maybe I might make it a point not to be here since at least my side looks pretty drab. my biology book is sure bigger sitting on the shelf than I realized. I sure need to catch up in that class since I really don't like biology. next friday when I get out of class I need to have my stuff packed up so right after I can head home. I can go visiting and then go to homecoming to see everyone. I don't think I will stay long, because I might feel awkward being in college and going to a high school football game. People might look at me weird. I don't like when people stare at me. I need to sign and fill out this form for my nursing class, it will be due pretty soon. I just don't feel like doing any of it. what should I do this weekend. Its so confusing. what should I do. Wow. I didn't realize all the room that I still have left on my shelves, I can still store a lot of more stuff on them. I sure have not played a game lately. I wish I could find someone that knows how to play dominoes, I really wan tot play dominoes with my brand new ones. I'm getting so bored, wandering around the room trying to think about other things that I need to get done, abll the stuff to do and so little amount of time to do it.
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I am so upset with myself today. I am so far behind on my study god I hope I don't fail. I don't want to fail my mom. She would be so disappointed in me. I can't do that to her. Class isn't what I thought it would be. And all the reading god, it is so annoying. Brooke is pissing me off so much. You would think that since she is five hours away she would make new friends and leave me and Lex out of her life. No she has to come down every weekend and steal Lex away and get drunk. Oh man that is so fun. Yeah right. I mean Lex is my friend too. I can't spend the weekdays with her because of school and she works till 7:00 every night. Then you got homework and early classes. God I just would like to spend one day or hour with her just chilling at the mall or the apartment with her without Brooke calling every ten minutes. You have to share Lex, Brooke. My roommate Jana is really cool. She has a great outlook on life. She takes things as they go. I wish I was more like that instead of worrying about everything I do and what people will say. I mean being a girl at UT you have to look pretty to get a guy. So number 1 you must always look good and have makeup on just in case you run into the guys of your dreams. Next you have to have good grades or you will flunk out. And why is it when you go to parties it is cool to smoke and drink. Sorry I'm not into that. I can have fun without that stuff. Jana has this guy she is in to. Supposedly he is a charming jerk. He lies to her, yet she can't get enough of him. That is all she talks about. I wish I could find a guy too so we could trade stories. Me and Jana are not from Austin and decided to drive around today to the mall. Boy was that stupid. I was so scared I thought we would never find our way back. God I can't get over the fact Brooke would intrude into my life this much she is making me so mad. I think I will tell her to stay in Arlington and make her own friends, I mean I made mine. I am so bummed. I keep thinking I am going to fail out of college. My brother is a senior here and he is an electrical engineer major while majoring in business too. He was salutatorian in high school and I was only 8th. I am afraid I won't do as well as him and my parents will be ashamed. I mean I have a Kinesiology major. That is a joke to everyone I know. I haven't read any of my chapters in my books and am afraid I have a test or quiz tomorrow. I am going to have to cram. I just don't want to fail. I am so scared about this. I know I will fail if I don't straighten my act up but don't have the will to do that. I'm too lazy and tired of school. I just want to go out to the Real World" now and start my job as a coach and teacher. It would be a lot more easier. I figure if I just concentrate it will be okay, but the problem is I don't have any concentration in me. I feel like I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I really don't but it feels like it because I lack so much energy and motivation. I hope school is okay tomorrow because I do not want to have a bad day. I hate bad days they make me sad.
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Right now i feel as if i need to sleep. Well i at least need to start sleeping on a regular schedule. I have a severe problem with being nocturnal and then not wanting to to anything druing the day ohter than lay around. I think that i am starting to get a little better but i'm not quite sure if i will ever be able to have a good nights sleep. at night. I also and having an interesting time adjusting into school. i have been in school for a year sttraight and I think that i still have senioritis. I just don't have the drive to do anything, but i know that i need to get good grades. I am enjoying my classes this fall much more than the ones that I had this summer. they are actually things that I am interested in and my proffessors are weird or mean like the ones that I had to deal with in the summer semester here. I absolutely love UT, i don't think that there is any way that I could have stayed at home much longer. I'm to the point now that it is really weird whenever i go home and i don't like it very much. I have even started to call austin home. This really bothers some of my friends, mainly the ones who still like back in keller or around keller. I miss my parents a lot and i fell bad that I dislike being at home. I love my mom so much and i worry about her because i know that she is sad. I love my dad too, he and my mom are my favorite people in the whole world and i don't know what i would ever do without them. I feel that i am a disappointment to them though. I am nothing like my sister and i don't have half the book smarts that she does. She got all the intelligence and i got all the common sense, which isnt good when you are going to a school like UT. I love my sister a lot, i just don't know if she likes me that much. We have always had to deal with a lot of sibling rivalry. and you would have thought that it had gotten better but it is just so hard for us to talk sometimes. i think that she is amazing though and i look up to her so much. Right now, I am rally worried about my friend, his dad died not long ago, and i don't know how he is doing. He drinks and smokes all the time and one of his roomates and i are really worried, but it hasnt reached the point where we can say anything to him yet. I think that he would get extremely deffensive especialy if his roomate said something. I really don't know if i can type for another ten minutes, i thought that this time would fly by, but it is actually going really slow. I also don't kow what it is you are expecting from this exercise because i am sure you get a lot of random responses. Anyways, my favorite thing to do in the whole world is Dance. I have been dancing since i was like three and i need to get back into in. Dancing is my utopia and it always makes me feel better. I love everything about it and i know that i need to start taking again before i completely lose the ability. But, it is just so hard to find the time and the money. I need a job if i am going to pay for it and i feel bad asking my mom and dad to pay for it because they are putting so much money into me going to school right now. Aside from my weird sleeping schedule, I also am really weird when it comes to eating. I don't think that I have an eating disorder, but i think that i have something wrong with my stomach that makes me gag, or go through times when i just don't get hungry and the thought of food makes me sick. I think that a lot of my friends worry about me though and think that i am either anorexic or buliemic. I do admit that i am very small, but not discustingly so. I have been living in my apartment for like two weeks now and i have yet to completely unpack my room, this is another example of me being entirely too worthless and having no drive to get up and do something. I know that i will unpack eventually, but i never really see the point. I do love it in my apartment though, my roomates are so cool, and they are really nice to me. I hope that they like me as much as i like them. i am sure that it is kind of weird for them though, like i am invading their territory because, they all knew each other before this and then i moved into the picture. I am going home this weekend for my boyfriends birthday. I miss him a lot and i wish that he would transfer to UT. I don't know what is going to happen if we continue fighting like we have been, plus, he just got into a frat, and i don't really like the idea of that too much. I have less than two minutes left and I have absolutely no clue of what to write. I think that after I am done with this I am going to go eat some lasagne. I have a huge craving for it right now for some reason. I think it is because it is five in the afternoon and all i have eaten is fruitloops. Hopefully no one actually reads these assignments because im sure the incessant ramblings of a college student can get kind of redundant and confusing. i know that i would not want that job.
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So, I can now finally begin this writing. I am pretty relaxed right now because I have a wonderful boyfriend. He is funny, sweet, and weird like I am. I feel like I am writing in a journal. Trying to track my thoughts is weird because I feel like I jump from one idea to the next really quickly. It is almost as if I am ADD in the mind. That sounds weird. I keep hearing this ticking from this tiny pink watch that is sitting right next to me. It surprises me how loud it ticks for being a wrist watch. Now, I can hear the television from the living room. It sounds pretty interesting. I can hear the air condition vent outside the apartment complex. The air just turned off now but the vent is as loud as can be. I like the noise of the keyboard when I type. Especially when I type fast. The clicks make me think that I am really accomplishing something. I am going to stop talking about sounds now and try to see what my mind is does. Write now I am a little tired. My brain seems a little slow right now. I feel a little overwhelmed by the school work load along with my sorority obligations and my job. I am happy thinking about my sorority. I love the girls! Everyone of them make me feel important ant that I really matter. All the girls are so fun to be around too. We all love to go out to parties and dance. Man, that car outside that just passed through was very loud. The music was rap and not very good. I do not understand sometimes why people ride around at night with really loud music and their windows down for everyone to hear. It seems kind of dumb to me that it is a week day night and there are people out there thinking they are all cool. Man this watch ticking is really bothering me. It's amazing how many things I hear when I really think about things. This means I am not talking which is a really good accomplishment for me. I love to be social and visit with everyone. I just remembered that I am missing music. Normally, when I type or do any homework I like to listen to some music. When I do math, I can listen to any kind of music I want. But if I have a paper or any readings, I can only listen to classical music. Speaking of music, I had my first T. A. session for my History of Rock class. It was really interesting. The teacher is pretty cool and nice. We get to listen to all kinds of music every class. The only thing is it seemed to me like I was learning all about how music works again like as if I was in band all over again. Man, I keep looking at the clock and just realized that my twenty minutes is almost up. I remember looking at seven minutes thinking that this was going to be a long twenty minutes. I was wrong. I am almost done and it went by so fast. My stomach doesn't feel too well. I think I ate too much marshmallows. Also, my head hurts now. Maybe I just didn't eat enough today. I only have
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My name is Laura Van Hoesen and I am thrilled!!! to be here at UT. I've always loved Austin ever since I visited here when I was younger speaking of which I have been feeling like I was a little kid lately because I am in a new place with new people everything is new. Sometimes new is fun like in relationships. new is the best feeling in the whole world until it wears off it is sad and almost laughable how people can get tired of one another. Like my roommate and I are VERY tired of each other right now. Every little thing she does annoys me and I am sure she feels the same way about some of my habits. I have several annoying ones. My boyfriend says he has not found any, but that leads back to the whole newness thing. He doesn't quite know me. and I'm not quite sure I want him to . I want some McDonald's right now because I am starving I haven't eaten since this morning because I have been running all over campus getting things done. I went to a meeting for the Pom squad tryouts and I had a memory rush from high school The chick who is the director is one of my old drill team director's friends and lets just say I don't like to think of drill team much. Although it seems to be on my mind alot lately because I have been questioning weather or not I should be in Kilgore or not. I am really truly happy for Tracy and brooke and Regina, but I can't help but be envious. I know Regina is loving shoving this in my face but I wish she wouldn't Why can't we just be friends again like we were last year all of this other crap had to start and now its finished kind of. I guess not totally finished because I am still stringing Earl along. I don’t mean to be so selfish but I like having someone there for security. I have always been given security from my parents and I am used to that feeling I miss my parents they do so much for me like my mom getting this new job one that I don't even know if she likes just to make more money so I can go to UT. My sister loves to spend my parents money and I am finding out how easy it is when you're far from home and you don't see the negative effects your money spending is having on them they must really totally love us. I can not even fathom what having a child must be like sometimes I want to have children and get married and settle down and other times I don't want any of that mushy stuff. That is kind of what Earl is there for. Incase I decide to pursue the romantic side in me which I seriously doubt so I should just let him go and I am really bad at typing I used to be better but I guess I am a little out of practice I tool 2 typing classes in high school which I had a nice time in we have such an awesome senior class. I was so proud but now everybody is gone off to do their own thing I can't spell either I have always had that problem ever since I was little my whole family makes fun of me for it especially my sister. I wonder how long I have been typing I haven't typed like this since staying up all night writing and typing my senior research paper on Shakespeare. I love Ms. Holloway she was a great teacher I wonder how heather is doing in Atlanta I should call her tonight and see if she likes her class. It would be awesome to live in Georgia the Indigo girls are from Athens Georgia and I have always wanted to go there and see their home town I think where people are from say alot about them. like my cousin is from Angleton and she a real heavy accent her whole family does I hope she is ok. She went a little crazy after her father died, but who wouldn't my mother is crazy. poor woman is going through so much right now and Suzanne has to be feeling the same way with both of her daughters moving out at the same time.
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Well currently I am stressed out. It is as if I have so much to do and not enough time to do it. I get real frustrated and tired yet, things must be done. My academics take up a significant amount of time and then there's my extracurricular activities. I am so used to being involved to the point that I came to college and repeated the same cycle. My grades reflect this. I just want to get at least a 3. 6 and go to a decent medical school. My sorority's members are some of the most elite black women on campus, in the community and in the world. All of my friends want to become members. I am so nice to them which is not the proper protocol for interested people. My line sisters reiterate to me daily that I must learn how to be stern and forceful to them instead of befriending them. At our interests meetings we turn mean. How can I hug them on the behind closed doors and intimidate them at meetings. I don't want them to consider me a hypocrite and I want to maintain that level of friendship. They look to me for knowledge and direction instead of evilness and cruelty. My first mind is saying forget what people are saying those are your friends. My second mind is saying that they don't respect you and they feel as though the have nothing to prove because we are already friends. They'll learn when what's up y'all turns into, salutations and how are you. I have so much on my mind that I believe my mind is going to overload and explode. Must do homework, must practice, must get involved, must go to work are just a few of my daily struggles with my time
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Wow, I can't believe I'm finally here. I've waited so long to get to the point that I am in my life right now, and now that I'm finallly here I feel like I really am not. I return to that same question that I've always grappled with. What is my purpose?? If I was religious in any sense then I might be compelled to believe in the "obvious. " But I am not and therefore I must pretend to be purposeful and hope that in the end my lufe will be fulfilling. What did I throw away with Mike? Or did I throw it away? Only time will tell I guess. I will say that I have never known such unconditional love as that which I had from him. I crave excitement though. A restless mind, I suppose. And a restless heart. One day I will meet my match I feel. Someone who will mirror me in my restlessness. we will feel out the world together and find happiness in adventure and passion. False idealism perhaps - or perhaps not. I burn with anger for what happened to Amber. Anger for whoever violated her and anger in myself for not seeing it coming. Let me correct myself - anger for actually seeing it coming and not doing anything about it. I've seen this coming to her for a year at least. And I never said anything to her. I learn from others, but I suppose others don't always learn from me. Thank God she's ok. perhaps it was a blessing in disguise. Well, a new start and new people await here. I feel like the world has handed me a gift and now it is my responsibility to embellish upon it. It's all there on a silver platter for me to grapple with, and I DO intend to grapple. I'm putting in my two weeks notice on August 1st. Counting down the days. My job has become such a headache. The money is good, the hours suck, and now the people suck. Why does money mean so much to me? I feel like a green-eyed monster and I'm only 18 years old. I'm already thinking about investing. Thinking about doing a little research and putting my money where my mouth is. I plan on being in the six digits by the time 30 rolls around. What do you see when you look into people's eyes? Eyes are the windows to the soul. I can read so much into a person by looking at their eyes while they talk. So what am I doing with blue contacts? What am I trying to hide? What do I want to become? I think I would trust my warm brown eyes over my glacier-blue contacts any day. All in the fun I guess. A mystery to others and maybe even to myself. Casper is so peaceful. I wish I were a dog sometimes. To be caressed and loved all day and to give unconditional love without material or superficial worries must be pure emotional ectasy. Not a care in the world. My bed is calling.
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I am watching mtv cribs with Chris Pontius. Today was hot and I'm supposed to go running with Nathan but it's still too hot so I want to go later. Maybe I'll get some of my work done before then so I won't stay up so late like I have been lately. I'm really tired so I took a nap today and slept like a rock. I don't know when I'm going to supper though because I don't want to eat before I work out or I'll feel sick so I might just get Nathan to cook for me tonight. I am starting to miss everyone from back home because I'm not usually away from my family, friends, and Sam for this long. I guess I will just have to wait a couple more days to go home for labor day weekend. I want to go home to see everyone but I really don't want to go to the football game and that's what all of my friends are going to want to do. I'm running out of things to think about because the TV is on and it's distracting me. The song on this commercial is going to be in my head now for the rest of the day. I like all my classes so far but I'm still kind of scared. Especially about biology because my prof is going really quickly over the information and it's hard to stay up with him. I'm getting tired looking at this computer screen. my eyes are getting droopy but I can't get tired and go to sleep now because then I won't get anything done and I won't be able to sleep well tonight. just like last night I couldn't fall asleep forever and then when I finally fell asleep I kept waking up so I felt like I didn't sleep at all. my strawberry smoothie was really good just now. I'm kind of hungry but lately I haven't felt that good so I don't feel like eating. Maybe ill just wait until later when my roommate wants to go so I'll have someone to sit with. I hate going to the cafeteria without knowing someone because then I sit with people I don't know and we're always eating so we can't really talk with food in our mouth but I want to meet them and not be rude. I'm sure they understand because here at hardin house all the girls are really sweet. they are all in sororities though and me and my roommate Madison are they only 2% not in one. oh well I have way too much school work and other stuff to do and I know if I would have rushed I wouldn't have time for anything else and I really need to do good this first semester and get it behind me and get used to everything. My back has been hurting a lot lately because of an injury from track season but I can't get into a back specialist for a while so I kind of just have to live with it. and I love to exercise but it hurts me for days afterwards. I decided that I'm just going to start working out and if it hurts oh well because I really don't want to gain the freshman fifteen. ha. my boyfriend goes to school in Lubbock at Texas tech and it feels so different not being able to see each other everyday like we used to. it seems like we fight every day no matter what and yesterday was our one year anniversary so I went and got him a present Saturday with my mom at the mall in san Antonio. she wanted me to go back to Hondo with her just for the weekend because her and my dad missed me but I wanted to come back up here for the weekend and party with some of my friends. my parents got to see my yesterday though. they came up after lunch with my grandparents and they brought even more stuff for my dorm room. my mom has been keeping herself busy at home by being creative and making cute things to decorate with but I really enjoy when she brings me stuff. we went to eat at hula hut on lake Austin and it was really good like seafood/Mexican food. I've never had a shrimp enchilada before then but it was great and my dad ordered an awesome dessert tray that we all shared and loved. then we went out on the deck and watch all the people on the lake and just talked for a while.
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I wonder if I am doing this right. I can't stop thinking about truyen. I need to stop. Jesus, she is like two hundred miles away and I can't get her out of my mind. I need money. I need something. maybe a drink. maybe I need a cigarette. I was trying to quit but I just can't seem to do it. its only been two minutes now and I have already run the course of my brain. I need to do my laundry. I want to swear, but I might offend whom ever is reading this . if anyone is reading this , what should I do???????? I 'm hungry. shoot I stopped. Oh well, I can get back into it. I really don't think I am doing this right. I wonder if heather will feed me? I really want a drink. I am stressed out and I just need to party. I'm not an alcoholic. I think my hypothalamus is screwed up. shit my bag is in my way, It's on fire AAAHHHHHHH I can't breathe. I keep pushing that damn backspace button. I am just not going to push it anymore no matter what mistakes I make. I wrote that entire sentence without a mistake. ironic huh. shit! I pushed it again. What in god's name am I doing here? I 'm talking about a backspace button and what 's really on my mind is the fact that I have no money and I am lonely. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this, but oh well. I don't care who reads this. You only know that I am a number. Maybe if you got to know me I would scare the living shit out of you. I am screwed in the brain. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaA I have like fifteen more minutes and my arms are getting sore. I need to stop, but I can't' stop! I need to press on with my story of nonsensical blabbering. I want to go home. I need a job. I need a woman. I have a woman but she is in Dallas and I am in Austin. Am I forcing myself to think this? Am I just doing this for the show. No I really am hungry. Who am I talking to anyway. That guy next to me thinks I am weird. WEIRD I can tell he thinks that I am just typing away on this little machine and not really saying anything. But am I? TEST I like to push the buttons, George. I push them all at once and lock up the computer calm down now. I can't just blab on this thing all day l9ong. I need o go home. I need to go back to Dallas. I need a hamburger. I need a drink I need a A in this class. I need a smoke. Me memmemememem why is it always about my needs what do you want? what do you need? these chairs are comfy. my I have a dirty shirt long arms weird hands. Am I just writing these things,. hoping that someone will read it and tell my what is wrong? Am I looking to be labeled? Am I crazy? Am I stupid? I'm not stupid. I know what's going on. I can see you guys are trying to make me paranoid, well it ain't going to work. Nobody makes me paranoid. That's my little joke, get it? I'm paranoid about being paranoid. It's funny. Laugh you friggin computer ! Is my time almost up yet In this land you can't stop until you have been programmed. Am I programmed yet? what the hell am I doing? I want to go get something to eat. I can't I have no $$$ I have a job interview tomorrow. I hope I get the job so that I can eat and buy gas to go home and tell Truyen how I feel about her. FUCK you your never going to tell her that. Someday I will. yeah right. No If I just go to her and say, hey I really like you and I want to marry you, she will run screaming and never want to see me again. I can't do that. But I can't just sit in my biology class with all these beautiful women and think about her all my life. I need to do something. The time has expired.
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I got very bored doing my chemistry homework so I decided to do my psy. I am very excited about tomorrow night because my sorority is having a mixer. I am a little confused about what is going on with my ex-boyfriend. I guess since that is what I am thinking about I might as well write about it. I don't understand why boys expect so much from girls when they are starting college. Sometimes it really gets on my nerves how they expect you to come see them in another town every chance you have. They must not understand that we have other things to do. They are not always more important, but they are things that we are obligated to. For example, all I have heard about for the past year before I even came to school here was how bad sororities are. That is the biggest bunch of bull I have ever heard. I am now in a sorority, broken up with my boyfriend and having the best time hanging out with my friends. Now he is telling me that it is great that I am in a sorority, but I just think it is a bunch of crap. He is just telling me what I want to hear. I have done it plenty of time. Anyways, why worry about that. Well on to a new subject. I love how brain wanders in very different directions all the time. Like tonight, I planned on staying in my room and making the most out of my time. Well since I love my friends so much, when one of them called me and asked me to take him to his truck, I got up and did it. I wasted an hour and a half just out talking to people I did not know. Oh well, I made a couple of new friends. I also hate it when the phone rings non stop and every call is for me and I have to stop reading to talk to these people who call asking me how I like college. What do they think I'm going to say, that I hate it and want to go back to litttle bitty Bay City. Yea right! I was excited though when my aunt called and told me to come over any time I want to. And when I got to talk to my best friend in the world it was a lot of fun. Anyways, I don't even have the slightest idea what I am writing about because I can't remember what I have said. I guess I am getting CRS like my mom. I guess it happens when you have more things to organize and think about. I am really glad that my parents made me take typing in high school because I would have a problem typing all of this if I could not type. I am really pumped up about the football game this weekend. I am so glad that a group of us are going. Well my time is almost over and then I can go up to my room and mark off one assignment from my list that I made. I am really glad that I am an organized person and take on responsibility well. So far organizing time for all of my homework and all of my social activities has gone rather well. I have not had to miss anything and I have kept up with my reading. Well since this is not a grade, I guess since I rambled on it is o. k. My mind is not thinking very complex right now. Just very simple no brained thoughts after a very long day of classes!
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College isn't exactly as I had always pictured it. Of course I've always had and imaginative mind and nothing ever turns out the way I picture it. I think I'm slowly beginning to adjust, however. At the beginning I was miserable. I felt like I didn't have any friends and would never make new ones. Now I seem to have connected better with the people here from my hometown and even have a few acquaintances but it's not everything I want. I had hoped to find new friends immediately which I knew deep down wouldn't happen. It takes time, but still. A bunch of my friends including my boyfriend are coming to Austin this weekend for a visit. I don't really know how I feel about that. In a way I'm relieved because now I don't have to worry about sitting at my dorm all night, but these were also people I had wanted to get away from. They're all great people and I love them but I feel like when they're here they hold me back from making a new life here. I lose time I should have spent getting to know people who live here with me. That way when my friends leave I won't be left completely alone here. The comfort of having them here completely takes away my incentive to go out and grow. I wonder if I'll ever feel like I completely fit in here? One thing I definitely need to do is get on some kind of exercise program. I feel so lazy. I've always been a procrastinator, especially when it comes to doing schoolwork. That's another thing that scares me. I am so lazy! I slacked off all through high school and graduated tenth in my class. High school was easy for me. I know I can't expect to do the same thing in college and still manage to do great, but I can't seem to make myself study. I know I'm just lazy and will have eventually have a very rude awakening, but what can I do? It's not even like I spend the time I should be studying on something constructive. I watch tv or listen to music. I go out every chance I get because it seems my social life is far more important to me than school. I'm hoping once I settle in and feel more comfortable I'll settle on some routine but when will that be? Whenever it is I'm going to start exercising soon and eating better. I always say that though and never do it. This time I will though. Hmmm I say that a lot to. I wish I was just a more motivated person. I also wish I had a much higher selfesteem. I see girls walking all over campus so sure of themselves. They're not afraid to walk up and talk to anybody. I have my moments like that but only if the opportunity is just perfect for it. The girl next to me is typing really fast and now I'm distracted because I'm trying to see how fast I can type. I think I'll check my mail after this is over. I don't think I should have any since the last time I checked it but you never know. Maybe something from my friend at Harvard. I haven't heard from him yet. I had my second set of Thursday quizzes today. I thought they seemed pretty easy. I don't know if the work I showed on the first calculus problem was correct but I know the answer was, so I'll just hope for the best. That class worries me a lot. It's not hard yet but I have a feeling that won't last. Math has always been my best subject and if I can't do well in that, how can I expect to do well in any of my other classes? I wish I could make some good friends in there because I know as the class gets harder I'll need people to study with. Twenty minutes is up. Bye
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I am really tired right now. Yesterday, Nick (my roommate) and I went at 10:30 at night to Gregory Gym to lift. I really have to use the restroom right now, so I will be right back. Sorry, I feel much better. My legs are so sore. I wonder what happens in a person's brain to tell his/her body that he/she needs to use the restroom. This TV next to me is really big, and I would like to turn it on right now, but I have more important things to do, namely writing this assignment. It would preoccupy me. I am really stressed out right now because I have so much going on. It gives me a headache. What causes headaches? Psychology is going to be a really fun course. I type really slowly, and I am trying not to look at the keys, but I am not doing a good job. My teachers are all great, and I lucked out with my math professor. He actually talks English. I wonder who ever thought of pencils and how they work. It is an amazing thing. Girls are wonderful they make so happy. I have to maintain at least a 3. 5 to stay in the Business Honors Program, but I can do that if I really set my mind to it. Joining a fraternity would be so fun, but they are so expensive. My bed looks really comfortable. I always wonder if what we dream happens in reality later in life. Deja vu is a feeling that I cannot explain. I have always wondered what happens inside the brain when this feeling occurs. I think that I have a slight obsessivecompulsive disorder because I want everything to be so neat and clean. I wonder if other people have this same feeling. I am always scared to talk about it in front of other people because I don't want them to think that I am weird. Who would have ever come up with the idea of the computer out of nowhere? They must have been brilliant. I feel a little lightheaded right now because I put a dip of Skoal Wintergreen Long Cut in my lip. I hope that I can quit soon because I have been dipping since my freshman year in high school. My back is a little sore. I wish that I could go to sleep now, but I have to read some MIS 310 stuff. Psychology is a huge class. It has 540 people in it, and that is 50 more people than in my graduating class at Spring High School last May. Well, it has been 30 minutes. Bye!
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