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Well I'm finally doing this writing assignment. It was not in my mind at all so I totally forgot about this stuff. This assignment is taking me back to the seventh grade because in my English class. damn I keep messing up on my typing. well back to what I was talkin about. We had to write at the beginning of every class for five or ten minutes about anything that came to our mind; of course if we didn’t wanna write a story or something. So what I would write a lot is something like "I think this writing assignment sucks, . its stupid. and I’m bored. I'm bored. ", on and on and on. I also just would like keeping writing the alphabet in random order. Well now I'm listening to this tired ass song from Puff Daddy, "Ill Be Missin You" It talks about death of a friend. To me that is very scary. Cuz I always imagine how it would feel when you die or like where do you go. Its just a scary feelin that you don’t know when we might not be here anymore. I had a few people that I knew die. Its just a sad thought. Now I’m thinking about how college isn’t that bad. Only if it wasn’t for me being lost in Calculus. I mean I shouldn’t have any trouble; I was Valedictorian and I feel very stupid, upset, frustrated, and scared. Oh shit. I just flinched cuz I got startled by the fact that some guy across the hall here just slammed the door very, very hard. Two times and said "jack ass" so loud that I heard him while I’m sittin here typing in my dorm room. Well I need to start getting on the ball and do all my reading and homework, especially in Calculus. For some odd reason its just not clicking for me. and math is supposedly one of my best subjects. I guess that was in high school. and I even took calc. last year. Oh, now the Men In Black song is playing. I think that that movie wasn't as good as it was in the previews. So now I don’t really have anything else to talk about. Actually I cant wait to talk about my college experience cuz boy do I have some problems right now. Oh damn there's a phone call and I got up to get it but I don’t know what happened. Well I’m going to be going home tomorrow so I’m not going to the UT vs. Rutgers on Sat. I think I’m gonna go to the library in a few minutes after I finish writing on here. I’m actually finished so I guess I’m Out. PEACE.

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As I start this essay I am feeling a little wary because I am doing it a little late. I am starting to think about what to write. I think that if I don't write something intellingent I will come off as dumb or ignorant as to what I am feeling. I am also thinking erotic thoughts. I am also feeling embarassed for writing that down. I am scared that after reading this you will think that I am a pervert (which I am not). I am once again thinking about what to write; once again thinking that if I don't write something smart I will come off as dumb. I am beginning to think of friends from back home. People I left behind, family, friends, teachers with whom I had pretty good relationships. I am now thinking of a conversation I had with two other friends on a very private issue. My father comes into my head also, times I have spent with him after he and my mother seperated. Then I think of times with my stepmother and how my mother would dislike it if she knew that I acknowledge her as someone related to me. I am now feeling a little anxious because I do not want my sister to come home right now and see that I wrote something about having erotic thoughts. I now am thinking of a girl in one of my classes. It isn't erotic, I am just thinking of what she looks like in the class and how I would like to talk to her sometime. Then I start to feel a little down because I haven't made any really close friends in college yet, just aquaintences. Again I am thinking about what to write. I just got an image of the capitol as it looks from the tower and I just thought about the tower. I think about going to Mezes hall to sign up for an experiment. I am now worrying again because I haven't signed up for one.

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I feel tired and sleepy. I feel that I just want to go to sleep right now. I feel this assignment is making me sleepier. I also feel pain in my stomach and want to do something about it. I feel that I just want to get up go to sleep. I feel that this assignment is boring and really unnecessary. I feel like my stomach is going to explode. I also feel a little stress because of all the things that I want to accomplish today with the little time to do it. I feel that this assignment is never going to end and that my thoughts are just blank right now. I want to get up and go do the things that are really important. My body aches from moving around too much. My stomach still feels like it's going to explode and I can't do anything about it. I'm thinking that I want to call my sister see how everything is going. I talked to her yesterday and it made feel good because I have been feeling kind of homesick and depressed. She is like my life advisor because she is always helping me out with stuff. I feel like I've through a whole semester of school work and I just want to take a vacation and relax and play basketball all day long. Playing basketball is the only thing lately that makes feel good. I play a lot but I get tired quick so I can't always play to my full potential. Sometimes I just don't want to do anything else during the day so I could just play basketball I work on my game. I wish that I could play all day long and never have to worry about anything else. Right now I'm thinking if the major I chose is the right one for me. I don't know if I'm cut out for business. Sometimes I feel like I want to devote my time to writing screenplays and playing basketball. I feel like the whole world is holding me back from doing so. Sometimes I feel like doing something drastic and just drop out of school and live in southern California, a place that I absolutely love. I also wish I could transfer out of here. I never really wanted to be here. There's too many people with far different attitudes and goals than mine. I wish I was attending college in the northeast, but I would only pursue that if I were sure what I want my major to be. I don't a like a whole lot of things here now that I think about it. I was hoping my attitude about this stupid school would change once I got here but it hasn't. I knew I was going to feel depressed when I came here and that's exactly how I feel. Things are moving too slow and I want them to move fast. I'm impatient right now because I feel I have been patient for too long. Having an anti-social, computer nerd for a roommate doesn't help much either. His attitude and introvertedness sometime irritates me. I wish I had a different roommate. I feel that school screwed me with this. Now I feel that I really wish that I could transfer. I just want to be in a better environment, hopefully somewhere I could find people like me.

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I called her to ask how to cook a roast. I think it's funny how much I still depend on her - how much I still need her. I call her almost everyday. Sometimes just to hear her voice. It seems to comfort me and I don't really know why. Thank God she has a 1-800 number at her office, otherwise I would have to call collect and she probably wouldn't appreciate that. When I put the roast in the oven, I started to think about all the meals she has ever cooked me. I wonder where she came up with all of her ideas. I only know how to cook three meals, and they are not even that good. I wonder if my mom was born a good cook. She probably was. That's what my dad says anyway. I kind of hope she wasn't though, because then there might be hope for me. She told me that she taught herself. I hate when people say that. She had to have learned how somewhere. Maybe my grandmother taught her. She told me that she didn't, but she probably did. My mom doesn't like my grandmother, so she probably doesn't want to give her credit for anything. I guess I don't blame her. Now the roast is starting to smell good. I love it when you come home and the whole place is filled with a mouth-watering aroma. Delicious! But it always smells the best when you're the one who is cooking. I wonder why that is. Maybe it's because you-yourself created it. It's your own little personal accomplishment. I can't wait to taste my accomplishment.

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well after being the first day of school, I really wonder how much harder the clsses will be. astronomy seems easy enoughas it is intended for non-science majors. but dr. pennebaker said that the class wouldbe hard. Doing assignments are no problem but I worry about the test. like what am I going to make? will I get an a? will my parents ever get off my back. I dunno. I'm also concerned about labor day and this weekend like whter or not I shouyld go home to go the wedding or do I not want to see my parents my suitemate is going to get hammered as she puit it just a minute ago on a wednesday night! for goodness sake why do our parents pay 15,000 a year for their kids to fail out of college? that is so weird anyways I think drinking is bad foryou but I only like to drink winecooolers because they taste good I wonder whether or not I should sratch my foot it itches my typing has gotten really really really really badly anyways my tummy hurts and I have to see the gyno on monday about menstrual cycles from the looks of it college is not going to be as funas most people make it out to be I mean aren;t you supposed to party? but all I do is study I need to change this mp3 this song is annoying now I'm listening to creep by radiohead is makes me a little depressed and I think that my roomate is making microwave mac and cheese I like my new diet but it seems like no one ever believes it but I have lost 17 lbs so that is something I think I'll get up at 7 to workout tomorrow anouther mile will be good I wonder if michelle is really going to read this? MICHELLE! HEY! read me!HELP ME! I need to make good grades so I can get a phd too with a lot of work and time and stress though! I want to take sign language too! so I can talk to deaf people about their problems. I'm sure they have them too! I also want to open a place called the de-stresser. I could counsel people while in other rooms of the building there will be stress reliving rooms such as a sauna, pool, coffee place, and a massage therapy place amd even better a laser tag or virtual reality hunting game. hm. my bf is msging me on icq I just told him that I'll answer in 6 mins I hate history classes what a perfect soul what you should know I'm not around so special I wish I was special but I'm a creep io'm a weirdo but how much can I take I don't belong here oh oh oh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. this song is getting on my nerves what about an areosmith song? cheese and mac smells good! pink is my new obessseion pink is not even a question pink is my favortie pink its the color of passion cause today its in fashion pink it was love at sight pink its time to turn out the light! you could be my famingo cause pink is a new kinda lingo pink like an umbrella pink that you could never tell you pink it was love at first sight pink when I turn out the light pink gets me high as a kite!

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I thought I was supposed to set a timer. So I set one, and now I don't think I need it. its actually getting on my nerves. Am I supposed to use correct grammar? I'm not using it at all. I'm typing like I do when I talk to my friends online. I like this song on delilah. I love delilah. why don't others? She seems to always make me in a better mood. Or is it because I like depressing music. I love depressing music and often times wander if it just makes things worse. Actually, I think it does, but sometimes u just have to cry and let things out. I think I cry a lot, but I'm not always depressed. I use to be depressed for a long time when one of my good friends totally ripped my heart out. adam is such a good guy. Do I really like him though? Or am I just wanting a guy to talk to and call my partner? He treats me so well. Was jennifer thinking about me and adam when she talked to my dad tonight? oh well, I'm out of high school so it shouldn't matter anymore. But it bothers me when people don't like me. I miss my best friend lauren. That song today really brought back memories. I love college! I'm pretty much caught up on my work and when I finish this, I'll be even closer to being caught up. There is A LOT of reading u have to do in college. Wow. I hope I don't get counted off for my bad grammar mistakes. I'm just so use to typing like this! that's not good. I don't like this song right now I wish she would play some good songs! man my back is starting to hurt. oh well I have bout 13 minutes left of this. this really isn't bad at all. In fact, I think it's kind of interesting. What time is adam going to call? I wander if he is almost done with all his homework. I love my parents. I'm glad I talked to them tonight. I feel so refreshed and organized. college is awesome. I love all the people that are here. Many people thought I wouldn't like all the people, but I actually do! I'm a big people person I guess. I don't know what else to think about. when is my roommate coming back in? I probably should've went and watched that movie on clark field. Oh well. At least I read a chapter of psychology today. I have two more chapters to go and ill be caught up. I thought he was going to tell us when to read! I found out he didn't, and now I'm trying to catch up. I can't wait for my birthday. tomorrow is midnight rodeo! what am I going to wear? I have no idea. maybe I can borrow something from sarah. Do I dress up or not really? I wander if oscar is going to come or if daniel is. How much is it to get in? Well I have plenty of money after returning my book the other day. I'm so glad I got seventy dollars back today. what am I going to do with it? I guess save it until I really need it. I think we need a lil more food in our room. I just don't feel like going to the store. Lauren had her car taken away, so we're probably going to have to find someone to take us! Ok maybe delilah is about to play a good song. This is awesome! I can type without looking at the keyboard! I've always wanted to be able to do this, and my friend was so good at it. I wander how I am going to be creative with my lonestar application. I really really want to make the organization. If I don't I'll be so sad. oh my gosh! I love this song. sure I'll think about you now and then. haha. I was singing. we can do that right? Because I was really singing it in my head. oh man. now I'm starting to feel stupid. Oh well. I wander what other people wrote about. hmm. I wander if I'm doing this right? ok I'm tired of sitting up straight. I'm so full. I think I need to stop eating so much! But I really do want to gain wait. why is it no one believes me when I say I don't like being so skinny? Skinny people always get teased. I want to weigh at least 115, and since I have come to college I weigh 2 pounds more. 107. ok my time is almost up. YAYYYY now all I have left to do is read and finish my application. Oh man. I have to get my shot tomorrow!

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I wasn't expecting to get sick, but for some strange reason, I am sneezing, coughing, and everything, it is crazy. I am surprising myself lately though. I thought I would be much more home sick, but I don't know what I am missing, or if I am missing anything at all. I know I miss work, nothing made me more happy really. I know it wasn't fun all the time, but the people there made it worthwhile. One in particular, no two in particular both for different reasons. I wonder when life is going to get easy. I have been working hard since I was 16, balancing a job, school, and trying to have a life. Trying is the key word. Sometimes I think I missed out in high school. I was never the party type, only because my parents wouldn't let me do anything, but I understand that they just want the best for me and don't want me to make the same mistakes that they made. What they don't understand is that, it is holding me back, because eventually I may be in the same situation that they were in, and I won't know what to do. If I were to live anywhere in the world I would live in England, Surrey was nice. London is amazing. I don't know what to say other than when I was there I felt home, I loved it. I surprisingly enjoyed having the ability to commute rather than drive. I enjoy taking drives though. When I was at home, I enjoyed just grabbing my keys and going. I never had a particular destination, but my favorite drives were at night, with the sun roof open, oh how it was so peaceful. Kind of like sailing. Recently I joined the saililng club, it is nice, I wish there was more wind my first sail, but even so it was still unbelievably calm, and placid. It was so nice, and made time go by so fast. I feel so stupid about Endochine, I can't believe we were just talking to them and didn't know it was then, awwww. I feel so stupid. But then again there are a lot of times I feel stupid. too many to list. I can not wait to go to the football game. I miss band the most from high school, there was nothing like marching into the stadium, especially this past year when the crowd was actually happy that we were there. I honestly never thought I would see the day that that would happen. Christina Aguilera's CD is very good, at least most of it. it is kind of sad at the same time. It is surprising how cold it was this morning, here I am dressed as if it were 98 degrees outside and it feels more like 70 unbelievable this is supposed to be Texas. I am so glad my Aunt and her partner are here , even if Lester isn't exactly the most honest or faithful person, it is still nice to see Linda. I love accents, I wish I had an english accent. for some reason I especially like the way after they say something they follow it up with mate or love. Another reason I want to move to London, I love the way they talk. I also love Orlando Bloom who also lives in England, he is gorgeous. But sometimes I wonder if he, in real life is stuck up or real down to earth. That irritates me when you see celebrities that think they can have anything they want, and the way people gravel at their feet. They are no different from the average joe other than they can pretend to be someone they are not and get paid for it. pretty sweet deal actually, I wish someone would pay me to be someone else so I could live a fairy tale. Sometimes I wish life were like a movie, not like the Faculty though. more like Kate and Leopold. Mostly love stories, that would be amazing. Though at the same time it might be too predictable. One can wish though right. I wonder what I am going to be when I grow up, I mean really grow up. I really have no likes or dislikes, which sometimes makes me wonder, if I have a personalitly, or if I am just here. How is it possible for people to exist anyways. I don't know if I buy the whole evolution thing or the Bible. If the Bible is true then were did the dinosaurs come from. And if vice versa then how did the Bible come about. I still believe there is a God because I think it is important to have something to believe in. But sometimes I think what if God wasn't real. There would be many times I would be lost in my life in that case. For some reason. I think there is some sort of force that looks out for people,

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Well now I'm starting my writing assignment for psychology. Great, just another thing that's keeping me from doing everything else I have to do. I still have another chapter I have to read for biology, but I guess I can do that after calculus tomorrow, I'll have a good hour to get that in. And I'm sure professor weiss will end up assigning another chapter or two for the afternoon class. Is that my cell phone? No, I thought I turned it off. Ya its off, it must have been my roommate's cell phone. Man the awkward silence in this dorm room is deafening. I really wish I would have just sprung for the single room. But no, mom said that wouldn't give me the ?college experience?. blah blah blah. All the experience I'm getting out of this is to avoid being in the dorm room. My light bulb on this lamp I bought isn't very good, it does not give off much light, but when you turn it a certain way you start to go blind, it just does not make any sense. And I don't know who the architect was behind putting these dang bookshelves in Jester. There is not enough room for my computer monitor to be pushed to the back of my desk. and I have a flat panel monitor so that is saying something. I mean I have no space for my books, spirals, paper or anything with the addition of my keyboard and mouse. Its just ridiculous. Even if computers hadn't been invented way back when this place was built, it still makes no logical sense to have the book case as low as it is without completely attaching it to the desk. I mean, they might as well have just added 2 more shelves to the darn thing and called it quits. Nothing could fit back there, its just aggravating. Wow its only been 6. 5 minutes, I've got a long ways to go. I have to do my calculus homework after this, I hope that goes well. The last thing I need is to stress out over some retarded math problem and end up having it been typed wrong so there is no solution and you spend your entire night trying to figure it out when there is no solution available in the choices that logically fits into the problem. That is the thing I hate about multiple choice math problems, anybody can leave off a negative sign and leave you chasing your tail forever. I really wish I would have just waited to take m408l, I already had C out of the way, but I didn't want to wait and have all the stuff I learned in high school leave my brain and be totally lost when it came time to take the class. Plus I kind of like the mathematical stimulation, its totally different than any other kind of study. When you understand a math concept, you really feel accomplished with yourself. At least I do, I'm probably the only person on this campus that feels that way. well on the other hand, there are math majors, so I guess I'm one of few. Great only 9. 5 minutes to go. I guess the good thing about this assignment is that you can't really run out of things to write about, you just keep typing whatever your thinking, even if tends to weigh on the pointlessness of this assignment, its still something to write about, after all I'm thinking about it aren't I? I still have not even read my psychology chapter. I wonder if that is even necessary, every other bit of reading I have done in my classes has been a waste. Well not a waste I guess, I am learning something about the material and to discipline myself to do the work. I really miss my best friends back home. They both went to UT campuses at home. Dallas and Arlington. I'm kind of glad to be here at UT Austin since we obviously have the more qualified professors and all, but man I'm just depressed without my friends. I'm not very good at making new ones, it takes me a while to warm up to people. After all, it took me 4 years to become friends with my 2 best friends. Everything else just seemed like an acquaintance compared to them. They really are great. I just wish the felt the same about me, but I'm sure they don't. I'm always the one that over appreciates things. I guess that is why my friendships didn't really mean much, because I made everyone tired of it, I don't know maybe that is just total crap I made up. I tend to justify things too much when I should just let them go. I can't believe I have to sit through 2 sessions of biology tomorrow. If they were going to combine the course, they could at least make it be on different days. But no, they have to make it back to back, well not really back to back there is a 2 hour interim between the 2 classes. At least its time to catch up on my reading that I'll no doubt be behind on in a matter of days at this rate. I'm really enjoying chemistry though. Doctor Laude is awesome. I just hope I do well in his class, I hate liking teachers and then doing poorly in their class. Actually that is never happened to me before, I've always done well in classes that I liked. I don't know why people become teachers if they don't want to help students. Go flip burgers somewhere if you don't care, that way we'd only have teacher that cared and wanted to help us learn and graduate. It seems like all my professors will be like that this year. Except professor Ibragim, he can barely speak english, I don't know how he is going to be over the next semester. So far he is been ok, I guess. He gets off on tangents when he can't think of what he wants to say.

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This the third time that I am typing this thing. I am so frustrated. Every time I get close to the 20 minutes I get cut off. There is a party I want to go to now I am here stuck here spending an hour doing this thing. I don't know what to type because I am tired of staring at this screen. It seems as if in the past two weeks I have had no time to myself. Between pledgship, school, and studying, I have no time. The only time I spend in my room, is done sleeping. I am just going to describe what is going on in sportscenter because I haven't watched it in about a week. Chris Berman is talking about the upcoming pro football games this weekend. I used to idolize berman. I also liked dick vitale. I was so obsessed that I wrote him a letter. a few weeks later I got a copy of his book with a personalized note on the inside. I am halfway done! I am starting to calm down. I have never been to hot-headed. I try to keep a level head all the time. The only time I really cut loose is when I am in a competition that I feel I can win. this may not be very often but when it does happen I thrive on the situation. Only eight minutes left. I really respect Pudge Rodriguez. he is the catcher for the rangers, my hometown team. I also like ken griffey jr, he seems like a team player that gives his all every game. mo vaughn is a very large man, he won't win any stolen bases titles anytime. only five minutes left. I like the expos and pirates, just because every year they are competitive even though they have no money to win with. they are building their team through the farm systems, which is how it should be done. I hope to get good grades. I wish this assignment was over. I love college football. I loved to play football but I never was big enough of fast enough to play up to the level I wanted to . I hate danny schayes. his dad was a great basketball player. One minute left!! my favorite team is the cowboys. I love going to the games and cheering them on to victory. I think my time is up so I will write later! the simpsons is the best show on tv by the way. and caddyshack is the bast movie ever!

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today is good I do not have many classes I just have to get up to be in class by 930 and that really sucks I want to be with tiffany but I don't know if I can trust her I think about her all the time and although I am half to blame I don't know if the break up is all because of me I triggered it but I don't know if she wanted to break up or me break up more my Andrew is working out okay he is in class it was good that he only a friend no anything greater I mean like a best friend I can only imagine living with a best friend wanting to chop his head we would just argue about stupid stuff tiffany is so wrong I don't understand anything when it comes to her I know nothing was fair yet I wanted to believe it was what is wrong with me it is funny how things that are so important matter to no one else and although someone can have empathy they still don't understand everything is different I want to know what to do I know that is not possible it bothers me I need to do good in school I want to be someone who be comfortable I guess relying on money is what I have for now I just feel that I would be proud to support a family the way I want them to be supported but will that affect the way they are going to be brought up I want to be a good father I want to do so much but I would do nothing if I could just have some answers if I could be certain for once man I miss the old days but at the same time I do look towards the future I do think about how things will be different how I don't know what the future holds and who knows it could be good or bad I learn either way I feel I am learning a lot and changing that is what I love I want to change to a better person I guess better can only be what I hold as better not society so I guess what I am saying is that I want to be secure of myself I want to be sure I know I can figure something out I know nothing is going to be easy about it and I don't expect immediate results I just want to make something of myself but I want to have answers and I want to have love all these things confuse me and make me feel alone I have to work on them it seems everything else is so trivial so pointless I don't know though I have yet to figure out what I want my future foundations to be I am trying to be picky because it is me I think society has some things wrong of course I mean it is democracy majority wins I don't think the majority is always right although they do count for some things this topic just blows me away I mean why do people do drugs and alcohol people have many different reasons I think if everyone can be responsible and do it to enjoy themselves if it possible I think it is okay I don't know though I don't really know anyone who can but I haven't thought much of the subject I mean I particularly think that alcohol is worse then marijuana I know both are not good for your body I wonder if it therapeutic in any way though how they allow that temporary escape I know you should deal with your problems and not run and it is harmful to be trapped by hiding in substance abuse but sometimes you things take time and maybe substance abuse can be used as therapeutic I don't know maybe I am full of it sometimes I feel I know what I can handle I know there are limits to be set and I feel I can exceed some I feel everyone has there own limits and I feel those people who cannot respect there limits are the reason for the universal set of limits makes me kind of mad but that is okay of course it would happen but I wish the limits I wish I could push sometimes could be understandable although I know they can't I know what they are and if I don't that is how I find out so maybe it isn't so bad to push the limit you find out where you go overboard and you can build from that and help others then again sometimes you are only one chance and sometimes it is only luck keeping you from screwing everything up when test limits I mean everyone test limits I just feel more respect for people who know there limits I would listen to someone more I feel so clueless the universe is too much for me

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First of all I really need to use the restroom but I also need to finish this. I've actually been thinking about this-whoa look at that timer- this experiment I don't really agree with because I am an awful typist and a perfectionist which makes this sort of painful. I am going to use this time as uh um um time to meditate. I needed to do this monday- that psy webpage- oh I listening to everything its amazing -I keep on hearing my roommate peck at her computer-my sense are keen at this time because I just am hearing everything- this experiment is scary. I don't think I would feel comfortable if thoughts of sex or murder came into my head. I have trouble being blunt with God, how could I tell you. Who is you? That sounds like some black talk with makes me think of linguistics I love linguistic- Kyle in my office was the first I think I should change his name- Peter in my office was the first to mention the stream of consciousness I was at a black poetry I got really mad because no one got there on time African American History. the light on my charger is red no, it green this experiment is longing my thoughts while I think so I have in essence to streams of consciousness- no I'm probably wrong. I felt like am in a mirror and another one is behind me and what you see- Is another ending process- my mind is so physical not in the sense of I like to look at hot boys but it just - am getting tired of-there is goes again that stupid delete- I was scratching my head now my neck itches. I guess this experiment is not so weird after all it is kind of like me. I never feel like I am living my like I think its because I am so analytical. that period and I an that an word I spelled wrong-I am getting on my own nerves can I please just spell. I am taking a breath when I'm not perfect I cause myself stress. I got sad last year when I finally found out that I was not perfect. I am looking into the computer as if I will remember that moment I sound like I am in a movie, so poetic, I am scrounding up my nose. I have a snob nose some people think it is cute. the question of beauty since I am doing this exercise for a minute I'm not going to care if I type right because I have to work On being perfect knoe one can be pertaect that is only a bplare for Goreds hs is the perfect one I feel soreey Okay the message just came back up I don't have to type so bad now. My physically feels heavy why does feel and physically sound alike? My my teeth taste salty I ate some how do you spell pretzels I think the imprint of the desk is in my arms. I just scratched my head I wonder what kind of people go after the 30 minutes, nerds sick demented people I no that can't be the case then I would fall into that category and I can't have that even though I feel like a nerd. People tell me I am pretty, but down inside I feel Like a nerd. This reminds me of that Movie will anybody every read this e-mail does it really even matter. I want to go back to my movie but I am being pulled lead in another direction. Hopefully it is God. I need God the time is 2:26 pero mi clock is fast a couple of minutes. I quit in essence monday. I wouldn't just walk away I gave my boss notice that the weight of school and job are too much. I really want to focus I my life with God Life with God what does that mean. I am ready to know God. I am happy for the things He gives me pero I desire him more than the things I think that is maturity when children start to think what they can so for their parents instead of vice versus I this experiment has revealed in me my fear I leaving this world without an impact. I not trying to confess fear. Just want to know I guess my life meant something. I hope this class will bring my closer to God. I just got to belief that what I feel is just more than chemicals in my brain. I am ending it here though I am tempted to write a song. though I have never written a some I have put down- Emily Dickerson- I have to read her poems she seems like a shady character. what can I say of her character I didn't or don't even know her. Ok Ok goodbye

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So right now I'm trying to hold myself together. I have so much on my mind that its actually a relief to do this assignment even though its holding my back from a deadline. I recently tryed out for Texas Sirits and shockingly I made the first cut. Wow, out of 300 girls I was one of the eighty to be chosen. THe bad news is that I have to do another creative project which equals time and money, two things that are in low supply right now. I hate money. People always say, money can't by you happiness but I beg to differ. If you have money then you don't have to worry about finding a place you can afford that isnt 10 miles away from campus, or where you're next meal is comming from. It really is the little things for me though. I would like that extra size ice-cream. or another UT t-shirt. However, Mr. Budget steps in {A good friend of my dads} and prevents me from enjoying the extra perks of life. I'm sure I'll look back some day and laugh or maybe this is just one of those challenges in a certain stage of our lives life. Maybe if all the college kids were well off it would disrupt the order of the world. Ramen Noddeles would go out of bussines. Taco Bell would close down. And sadly second hand stores would be no more. Wow i really need to finish my project! Its due in a couple of min. I feel like I'm allways rushing around. My life is one big traffic jam. How is this? maybe I take on too much. But other people take on just as much if not more and they seem in control. I wonder if people think I'm in control? Ha that would be the greatest prank of the decade! OK is ths almost over cause i really got to go. . yes almost.

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Well I decided that I was going to go ahead and get this writing assignment out of my way. Actually, I was just looking for an excuse to put off my reading for my MIS course. I really dread reading that whenever I am finished with this because it is like 30 something pages long and I already have a bad headache. It's pounding as we speak. (or should I say as I type!) Wow, my nose itches a whole bunch. But I guess I would rather it itch than run. Earlier today I was on my way back to the dorms and allergies kicked in really bad. I hope I am not getting sick. That would really suck. I am really excited and nervous all at once about this weekend. I can't wait to see Devin. I haven't seen him in like two weeks and it is probably going to be like a month before I get to see him again. He had his first baseball game today, I wonder how he did. Did he start? Did he hit well? I can't wait to talk to him tonight and get all the details. I'm excited about watching him play on Saturday. Baseball is his true love and I am really happy that he gets to fulfill his dreams by playing in college. However, I hate the idea of having to come home early on Sunday. My reasons for coming home are good, but I just wish I could spend more time in Dallas with him and not have to rush back. I mean, why does the dance team tryouts have to be this weekend of all weekends. Every other weekend that I have been here I have tried hard to find excuses and things to do and have had no luck at all except for staying out late and partying. I honestly wanted something productive to do. But now that I have decided to go out of town, they decide to hold dance team tryouts. And that would be what makes me nervous. I have always seemed to accomplish my goals and dreams, especially in the field of dance. But now I am going to be up against so many good girls and I just don't know what to do about that. I really hate the idea of rejection, but if I don't try then I'd never even know what would have came of it. Jennifer is trying out too and it's going to be horrible living with someone who makes it if she does and I don't. Gosh, I really am nervous. What if they don't like my style or technique. I will be really depressed if I don't make it. I get embarrassed about stupid stuff like this. I wonder why that is. It shouldn't matter what happens, no one should care but me, but somehow I feel ashamed when I don't make things that I go out for. So I just finished balancing my checkbook and I really could use some more money. Sure mom and dad are paying for everything, but it would be nice to go out and do what I want to do when I want to do it and not have to rely on them. Speaking of money, my tuition bill says that I owe $178 and that is so not true. everything was paid and up to date and then I just decided yesterday to add a ballet course. However, the ballet course is only $59,,that is so not equal to $178. I wonder how long I have been writing for. Oh wow, it has already been 10 minutes! How come exercising doesn't seem to go this fast. I feel like when I am running on the treadmill that I have been going for like 15 minutes and it is actually only like 2 minutes or so. That's crazy. I shouldn't have ran the other night. My legs are so sore now and walking up and down these hills many times a day hasn't felt good on these sore muscles. Not to mention, I have had 2 dance classes since then and it is really hard to be limber and flexible when you are this sore. Now my lip itches. This music on television is horrible. I would get up and change the channel but I obviously cannot do that due to this assignment. I am starting to wonder about this course. The lectures are really interesting and class is fun. I have kept up with the readings and understood it for the most part. But when it comes down to it, will I really be able to make good grades on the tests that are compiled of both the readings and the lectures. That sort of makes me nervous. The professor is really good and easy to listen to and understand, but I still seem to think that his tests will not so much be the same way. I have a feeling they will be very insightful and difficult and that stresses me out. I've come from a background of like all A's and I do realize things are going to be much harder now that I am in college, but I am not used to making much lower than an A. I am getting really sick of staring at this screen and my fingers are starting to cramp. My position is not very comfortable and I haven't moved in like 15 minutes. It is nice to have peace and quiet in here for once. My roommate seems to not care or respect me much. She likes to do what she wants to do and how and when she wants to do it. And that is fine and all, but when I am trying to sleep I think it's just a little rude when she comes in at like 5 in the morning and is all slamming doors and turning on lights, talking on the computer and on the phone! It's like, I haven't been sleeping very well as it is being in a new environment and all for the first time for this long of a time, then I finally get to sleep and she comes in and wakes me up. Then it takes me like another 30 minutes to fall back to sleep. Gosh I really hate that, but we have been friends for a long time and what do you say to someone like that? I wonder what my mom and dad are doing. I wish I could find Amanda's keys or at least find out what happened to them. I mean I just find it so awkward that they just disappeared. My dorm room is not that big and I can't seem to find them anywhere. I feel horrible about her having to take $165 out of her own check book to get an extra key made. Everytime I think about it, I start to get the idea that maybe I accidentally threw them away whenever I took at the trash. I'm thinking about sending her a check with part of the money because I feel so bad for her! Gosh this music on TV is horrible! I like one of her songs, but she just sounds horrible in concert. I don't know how much longer of this I can stand. My shoulders are starting to bother me. It doesn't help out that they were sore to begin with. Oh, something's popping up. I'm through!

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It's way too cold in this room to be doing anything that requires the use of my fingers alone. It's like an icebox, but that's good since I'm so hot natured. I bet that the people who type faster write more in twenty minutes than do those who are slow typists. That's almost not fair. We don't get as much of what their mind is thinking simply because their fingers can't go as quickly as their minds. Mine don't either though. I can type pretty fast, but that's because I do it so much. I'm going to get carpel tunnel syndrome some day. I've played the piano for almost 11 years now, play the flute, and type constantly. Yikes. But, back to the original point: this isn't exactly fair since it's, well, not the same. That's obvious. I guess nothing in science can be exactly precise. Exactly precise? That's wrong. I wonder if we're supposed to fix grammatical errors AND spelling errors when we're done. I should have set a timer. It's too much trouble for me to keep checking on the little clock at in the system tray. Oh well. We're too lazy these days anyway. Everything's being sacrificed for our own comfort and peace of mind. For example, I have a feeling that technology is a HUGE part of the growing number of cancer patients. A woman I know died last night. She had three children, the oldest a freshman in high school. What a tragedy. It makes you wonder if it's all worth it. Is better living, happier living? Is it even better in the first place? I think it's going to rain. It needs to. Someone said the other day that we're in our fourth year of drought now. I wonder if the drought is due to global warming, due to the depletion of the ozone layer, due to all these "advances. " There it is again. We think we're making improvements when in fact we're slowly killing ourselves, or our grandchildren. My Spanish teacher told us that the icebergs are melting, and someone next to me said that they are in fact melting at a rate of one foot per 15 hours (or 15 days?). That's very frightening. I don't know how thick icebergs are, but they won't be around much longer at that rate. My hands hurt now. I complain too much. I whine. :) It's a personality trait. And are these traits inherited biologically or learned? Heh. All this psychology is definitely getting to me. Mr. Pennebaker (or Dr. ?) said that we'd begin to see things from different perspectives; I didn't think it would be quite so soon. I do like the class though. I like the book. Mr. Myers isn't such a boring guy. He put excellent philosophic quotes and questions in with the technical aspects of what we're learning, or, rather, what he's trying to get across. I find it sad that so many people don't care about learning anything. For some, it's all about the grades. We joke in our dorm (that we so lovingly have nicknamed the Virgin Vault since boys aren't allowed on our FLOOR except on weekends) that we're just here for, not our PhD's, but our MRS's. I don't know who came up with that, but it's pretty cute. It's always scared me quite a bit the idea of living my life for someone else. That's a bit of a clash with my lifestyle though, considering I was the president of our church youth group for two years, but I just couldn't do it for a man here on earth. I don't mean to say that getting married is giving up yourself, but the way some girls talk (about getting their MRS's), that's all they want to do with their life. That IS, to me, giving it up. What about their dreams and goals? Do they have any? Do I? Darn phone. I can hear everything around here. It's getting on my nerves. I lived in Hickville, USA (ok Canton, TX, but it's no different), where there were no people. I lived in the country, where there was no noise. It got so dark, and so quiet, in my room at night, that I could hear the bugs and the dog walk by, that my eyes never adjusted and were able to see. I haven' adjusted to things here yet. I wake up at 3 in the morning for no reason at all, doze back off, and wake up again at four. It's starting to become rather annoying. Normally I have no trouble sleeping. My mom and I are like that. She can sleep through anything, except her kids coming in. I thought it was neat how our class related that to our reticular formation and how it "learns and remembers" certain things. I don't think my reticular formation has anything to do with my waking up at odd hours. Well obviously is does since it's function is to control arousal, but it doesn't "remember" anything that happens at the wee hours of the morning. Hopefully. If so, it needs to get a touch of amnesia. Just a touch. That's my time limit! ttfn

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I guess I'll just start out by explaining how I feel right now. Because of school, I've been feeling really stressed. Although because of our class I'm not really sure what stress is. To me stress is when I have a lot to do and no time to rest and relax. I haven't been getting as much sleep as I usually do at home, but it doesn't ever feel late at my dorm because everyone's up late. I feel like my whole life is school right now. I live on campus, don't have a car here with me to get away from campus and my classes are spread out all during the day. By the time I get to my dorm in between classes I have to leave in 30 minutes to get to another class 15 minutes away. The days have been going by really fast though. I'm always so busy. I try to just get my work done during the week so I can go out on the weekend and have fun. I'm really excited about college because already I've learned so much. I feel like I'm being able to think better about things. Or I guess maybe deeper about things. Not just school related stuff but stuff about life as well. I've begun to think more about what I want and what type of person more about my opinion on things. I guess you sort of have to be like that at UT, because there are so many people. In high school no one really expressed themselves like the do in college. A lot of the classes push that during the discussion times I guess because the classes are so large. Our psychology class is bigger than my graduating class in high school, and everyone else I talk to have an even smaller class than I did. It's really weird but I keep seeing the same people in a lot of classes. I know of 5 people that are in 3 of my classes. Maybe it's just that I recognize them. I still don't really know what to expect from my classes. Most of them seem interesting except for Calculus and Economics. I really like the experiments we do in class. Ugh, I can't think of anything else to write about. I hope this is the way we were supposed to write this. Actually it's helped me relax and get out some of my feelings even though no one will read this. So I guess it's sort of like a journal. I actually don't feel as stressed now that I've gotten this done. It's one less thing I have to worry about. Now I have to figure out how to copy and paste it. I'm not very good with computers.

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go back back back to the disaster . I can't get that song out of my head. It was so weird on Courtney's board I couldn't understands what it meant till I read it out loud I wonder if spelling counts on this and if you can go back and correct mis spelled words like they care. I am so bored but so excite about the job I have essentially been doing the same thing for the past three years and I think that I can handle the work load but this is college and its suppose TO BE HARDER BUT SO FAR IT HASN'T BEEN I STILL NEED TO read some of the info in the art history book that girl pre adviser said it would be fun but so far it has been a snooze feast. what else to write about I though that I would have bad dreams after watching train spotting with the dead baby in the cradle but I really having been dreaming much probably because I stay up half the night hanging out with the hall everybody seems pretty nice and all the guy are hot especially matt oh baby but I think that he likes Courtney everybody likes Courtney she has that Chicago accent and she pretty and nice I couldn't even get drunk guys to dance with me on Saturday the only guy I danced with was p and then when Steve said sorry to interrupt while we were dancing he said there was nothing to interrupt what a jerky think to say I mean I was standing right there it wasn't like he was drunk and didn't know what he was saying pritvi is funny but quite the little gossiper I really like my floor when they offer me a spot out side of supplemental housing I probably won't take I because I know so many people here and hopeful we can become good friends I haven't had any real friends for the past few years I been so involved in school but the weekends were so boring with out a school activity to do I seen a movie with a group of kids twice one was after a school event and the other was after a church h think. I saw movies that I didn't want to see and it was pretty much like any other movie I've seen by myself but I remember them better I only have ten more minutes left I like to count I'm always counting things like yesterday I counted lance Armstrong bracelets 9 on the way to the theater building and seven on the was back Courtney's doesn't count could I didn't see it on the walk I am so bored right now but I am going to be so busy with soccer, broccoli project, circle k, and hopefully crew or rowing which sound the same to me but apparently with rowing you only have one ore and with crew you have two I don't know what else to right where is Chris I so think that he forgot to knock on my door and just went off to lunch with Courtney. I can't believe he slept with jo I mean they had just met and a hour ago she had been kissing Steven I mean if I was Steven I would have been pissed what if all my thought were filled with profanity since I don't cuss I just thought about it constantly but I think cussing is stupid and you have to be a certain type of person to say certain words I sound so stupid when I cuss

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ok i have been a little nervous about this assignment, not too nervous but a little. i'm kind of a quiet person so writing my thoughts for twenty minutes is a little intimidating. i don't really like how a lot of the stuff we do in psychology is over the internet. i guess it's convenient, but the internet messes up a lot. it is working today though. i just bought tickets for jimmy eat world over the internet. they are one of my favorite bands. my best friend, kristina, is coming up here to go to the concert with me. i miss her a lot! i need to clean my room. courtney, my roommate, has cleaned up a little. i don't think she cares too much that i am messy. she's messy too. she is from my hometown, so i knew her before we lived together here. we are getting really close. i'm glad we decided to live together. i'm glad i didn't wait til the last minute to do this assignment. i need to do my calculus and physics homework too. i also need to, well i don't need to but i want to go get a DVD called waking life. it is really good. it is a movie that makes me think because it questions reality. i like movies like that. i've been thinking about doing stuff with movies as a career, like visual arts type stuff, but that's only if i don't get into the architecture department. i need to take this psychology course because i will need to know how colors affect people's emotions if i am going to major in interior design. that really intrests me. i need to call kristina and tell her that i got the jimmy eat world tickets. she was at my friend jory's house the last time i talked to her. i miss jory a lot too. i haven't seen her in a long time. me and kristina and jory have been friends for a long time, since seventh grade. i miss them a lot. i need to call my friend cherry too. she lives in oklahoma because that's where she is going to college. i have about four minutes left. i hope this is the kind of stuff you wanted us to write. i guess it is because this is what i'm thinking about. i hope it doesn't matter that i didn't capitalize the word i. i never do even when i write unless it is in a paper i need to turn in for english class. my senior english teacher is a really nice lady. i really admire her. she is very encouraging. i miss her too. bye

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i really want to lose weight, i want rob to look at me and want me. i wonder if he does? he says he does, but i wonder if he really does because when i want to be with him, he acts like hes got to do homework, or actually im not really that i don't know. he doesnt put me first i guess. id skip out on my homework to be with him. but i guess since hes a freshman, he doesnt know any better. however i am a junior, so he has to want me. this is a hard assignment because right now my mind is not wondering off of rob. i think about him quite often. hehe. . i wonder if he knows that. his hair. i love his hair. . his body, damn. junior boys do not have bodies like his. . whoa. . i have to take of my bracelets they are annoying me. i can't wait til im 21. i wish i could be laying out right now, but the pool is closed on mondays. i really want my hair to grow out. i have been growing it out for hmm. . . lets see. . years? no matter damnt. i have been trying to get it to get longer for so long, and it doesnt seem to be happening. its not like i cut it to my shoulders and then am like, okay, now im going to grow it out. its been this length for a while now. i need to relax. i have all this tensions in my arms and hands and its annoying me. i wonder if its cause im typing or if its just because im like that. i wish i had a dog here at school. i want a pet so bad, but not all the times. i wish i could have a pet when i want one, and then when i don't want to clean up the shit, it just disappears. i wonder if something else will happen soon with the terrorists. i wonder if the whole a-bomb thing is going to happen with sadam h. damnit, i guess im ready to die, but not really. i am just now getting into the swing of things of life. i am happy living alone, and i just want to do well in school. before all i cared about was my social life, but i suppose its obvious i don't care anymore about that because i have a thing for a freshman. i hate boys but i love them. i know i can get whomever i want for the most part, but everytime i let myself be all how i would like to be, i lose them. i wonder if i have done something wrong with the boy. i bet hes wondering if im crazy because im a junior. he always asks why im with him, or why i would even talk to him or hangout or whatever. but that was before. now its been a month and perhaps hes not interested anymore. oh why in the hell do i care? there are so many guys out there. i am so boy crazy. i wonder if i am normal. maybe its because im a scorpio. i didnt believe in all that shinnanigans before, but i recently read something that said scorpios are more horny or more into relationships or the opposite sex or something. that is very true in my case. what you going to dooo. i go crazy on you. i go craaazzyy on youuu. . i love music. i wish i could write better poems so i could write songs. oh man now i have to pee. . i wonder what i did that turned him off. we used to be best friends. . i wonder if he thinks of me. probably, obviously not as much as i think about him otherwise he wouldnt have let things go to shit like he did. i hate MIS. i hate homework. i wish they could just plug into your brain something, like a computer, like a little chip, so that learning or anything would be effortless because the chip would offer all the knowledge we need on a certain subject. like if you wanted to be a doctor, you just get a surgeon chip installed, etc. i want to be an actress. it better happen. i wish my parents could be happy. they don't seem very happy. i love to laugh. i don't wnat to get old. self control, self control. i wonder what is going to happen to me. what constitutes a slut? i know im not, i just kiss lots of boys, youre a slut if you sleep with all of them, and i don't do that. . . i hope i don't do that when im older. cause once you get started, its hard to stop. i wonder if shes doing coke? id hate to be her. shes so insecure and so untrusting, i don't trust anyone, but she really doenst trust anyone. id hate to be bipolar. gosh, i feel so bad, but i wish i could shake her and be like, snap out of it!!! quit it! stop! im getting hungry and i told myself i need to eat less, however, damnit, i would love to have some jalepano cheese rightnowww. . . yuummm. . i can't believe shes gettting married because shes pregnant. that sux. i would never do that. . well i can't say never because i have said id never do a lot of things that i do. i hate that. it makes me think i have no control overmyself whatsoever. i need to order some more zit medicine. 33, 34. . . i want to make a lot of money.

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i am now writing my stream of consciousness I don't think one needs punctuation or me for that matter. so hmmm I did this for english last year for literature we have a very big psychology class kind of silly if you ask me my friend is going to school in iowa with only 1300 people his classes have around 13 people awww to go in debt for education my parents moved with the money they saved by me staying in state. oh well it's safe here its home I don't really think about garland too much. online all of the time new phenomenon are incredible what would I have done 5 years ago. watched tv? is the internet as bad as tv? at least its interactive, you know? wow 20 minutes is a lot of writing I love music I'm going to learn so much music at the radio station this year I hope I like it there hmm I wonder how hard my classes will be I found a passion in economics (oxymoron, I know) hmm people are not always too responsible but I guess I'm not either, as the years have rolled on, I little backwards, I know. hablas espanol, ojala que hable espanol bien en enero that worries me you know? I don't want to lose the knowledge I don't know its like I think the same boring things class schedules and stuff over and over again and I don't really want to write about them I can't believe I'm doing this early I guess we all have that crazy initiative at the BEGINNING of the school year, I really do want to do well, though I've tried so hard thus far so why stop now, or maybe I should because I tried so hard before this college thing has worked out oddly like its not really that much of a life change I guess I knew it was coming or something I'm not homesick its like "ok, well now I'm here and not there anymore" why don't I miss my family? because I really don't maybe I will later but it has been a week. weird sometimes I don't feel that m, no things don't make me feel anything, I chose to react to them like that (says mom the rogerian counselor) why am I taking psychology again I already took the ib test and I did pretty well only you don't know what that is I bet yeah ib is bad down with ib oh well liberal arts education will help you know I need to get my confidence back up, I'm smart I've had a great education, better than most ok I know I'm just practical so there typing is nice and fast my handwriting is not too marvelous ha ha that sounds like something out of catcher and the rye or something I love holden so true yet so extreme. I need to read more I need to be more well read typing typing typing I didn't do this in word uhh maybe I should ask you if it's ok not to do it in word, don't answer that I want to live dangerously interesting huh you think instructions to a vacuum cleaner is interesting reading? I would hate to see your library, to each his own (for the sake of politeness) I like typing a lot I bet my roommate thinks I'm all crazy at work or probably writing an im. huh I don't know don't want to talk about the boring things that go through my head everyday. college the university de tejas. cliches I'm becoming a cliche I think most college kids are last night some people were acting like they were drunk or "buzzing" but you could tell they probably just had a beer and were playing it up that's pretty annoying hey let's order pizza because we're in college, where does this hostility come from to each his own my a** hmmm ok um um um I like to sleep I don't like high school and now I am gone, what will I fill my days with? probably, hopefully, not much. class just wont be that hard all of the excess time has been squeezed out like water form a sponge that is efficient like like efficiency and efficient market dang I like economics where is art history going? good thing I'm a business major what a relief that I like it yeah never mind so where are you from? what's your major? really my friend's doing that water fruit I'm not getting fat its peaceful, typing I wish I was a more accurate typist, I think that about sums me up sloppy BUT fast as a mug ha ha how funny haste makes waste you know! *tsk tsk* yep wow time flies when you typing about yourself, yeah I understand I wouldn't want to read these either. imagine it being your job to read a bunch of pretentious, half ass papers from a class of 540 I'm sorry you have to do that ms. ta. hmmm ta huh I almost went to berkeley I glad I didn't it would have been too hard I'm tired of too hard, see above I'm sure it is there, its always there time to let go

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Every moment I am conscious of my physical self. it is like I have existed so long strictly within my mind that I have never really felt the sun touch my skin. I suppose I am excruciatingly aware of my body now that I realized I actually have one. Lately it feels like I am rediscovering the familiar. I have always walked down the street. but never been aware of things like others faces, the noise of traffic, the heat, the breeze, the color of the sky. I have always lived in this alternate universe. i see only enough of the physical world to avoid collisions. and I live in my head, in my thoughts, in my music and art. I almost never come out. But lately I have opened my physical eyes. Some of the things I have seen are things I could have done without. I'm not so sure I like it out here with the other people. I feel myself retreating again. I feel that small talk is a waste of breath. Any words outside my poetic code are words wasted. Any utterance that is not a song is a waste of voice. And I am trying to figure out why people NEED people. I have lived inside myself for a long time. I can make it through the monotony of every day life (hint: that's where the ACTING MINOR comes in). but maybe it would be more lucrative to just live down in here. And I wonder what is really "being productive". My mother said that I wasted my summer by being in love with someone who ended up not loving me in return. I feel that love is not a waste of time. If it is then what real purpose or function do we have in this bleak world. Of course, now with my heart blown away I feel a bit sad. But I meant it when I gave my love to this boy. I meant every word, every breath, every touch. And I guess that MY time wasn't wasted. his was. HIS time was wasted because he remained too long with someone he did not love. My time was not wasted. And now. let me push all memories of this love deep down into the corners of my soul. Right now this grain of sand irratating every pore in my body. but maybe a pearl will result. A song. A painting. Blah. Blah. Maybe I can once again transform the pain in my life into something pur-tee. Man, someday all of this shit that I have passed off and forgotten through my art and songs is going to resurface and say "Hey! We are still here. " and that is going to break me and FINALLY I will no longer have creativity to turn to because I won't trust it anymore. Gee. Something to look forward to. And this girl came up to me today on the first day of classes. She said I looked "alone" and invited me to her church where "everyone is a family and god is clearly present". Funny that she noticed I was alone and I didn't. I wanted to tell her that I would never fit into her christian bubble world. oh yeah, I live in a bubble world myself all right. but its a different kind altogether. Maybe I should invite her for a visit in MY bubble world. But. heh. i meakly gave her my number. i was in a way touched by her gesture and even though I oppose religion. who knows? I may go just to laugh at the SHEEP and. well. mEDITATE. And plus. it would probably light up this nice girl's life. Aww. It would also be cool to go someplace and have everyone be really happy to see you. I wonder if it would be wrong for me to go in order to reap these benefits. especially since there is NO CHANCE in my conforming to a religion. Hmm. It seems like I have been given the opportunity to explore some areas of my life that I have suppressed in the past. Certain tendencies. I guess I am really scared when it comes to this. I am afraid maybe of what I might find out if I try it. I mean. i have finally admitted to myself that these thoughts are frequent and substancial. But I don't want the course of my life to change that drastically. Right now I long for both but am happy with one. If I try the other and realize that it is so much better than the other and begin wanting only IT then I will have to do some major changes in my life and identity. But it might NOT be good. Or I might continue liking both equally. Which could also cause problems. Sheesh.

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29

what am I ganna do ? psychology, freshman seminar, all I can do is smoke a cigarette. gosh, am I really ganna get cancer? I hear that every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your life. my hair is getting long. I wish I could have long hair like Rapunzel. the blonde lady on the wallpaper of my old house. in the guest bathroom. she sat on an elephant. surrounded by trees and shrubbery. god how I used to want to be that lady. I remember as a little girl standing in that bathroom, staring at the wall and at myself in the mirror. where does time go? am I ganna be able to pull off this college business? a computer that is so stubborn. I have no clue how to use computers! I wish I was in all writing classes. I have so much homework. how am I ganna get into the school of communications? do I want to be an english major? gees! 10 hours at the sorority house a week! I wonder if I'll be able to concentrate there. the sound of the paper on my cigarette burning as I inhale. that sketches me out. I need to quit. I need to study. so, there was the door. I got a ticket to the game. what game? I have no clue! football? basketball? I have no clue! I need to get my act together. damn, I'm out of cigerettes. the food downstairs makes me nautious. I wonder if anyone reads this. hello, my name is natalie, my friends call me nat. there are 2 of us. nat berg and nat lep. pronounced "leap". both h-town girls. this floor is hard. scratchy, dirty, blue-gray carpet. we had a roach last night. julie is allergic to roaches. that was dad on the phone. sounds kind of pissed. we are going to los angeles for Rosh Hashana. Daniel is there. I can't believe he has mono. that is crazy. he decieded to rush. there is only one jewish fraturnity there. it is so diferent there. beautiful weather. I hate the winter. I hope by then I'll feel better about my classes. I'm so scared. so scared. maybe everyone feels overwhelmed. ut is so huge. how am I supposed to make good grades? I don't even know how to get to class. I'm ganna die.

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20

I hope that this isn't a big deal, as I have to write for 20 minutes in a completely random manner. If I get graded on content or grammar, I'm simply done now. I've been caring a lot about my grades so far and I'm going to need to keep it up to get into law school at someplace like Georgetown or Columbia. I actually miss NYC a lot, but its a nice change down here and I'm happy to get out of Connecticut. I do miss my family a little, but I think they are doing fine and I'll be seeing them in no time. I'm glad my dad is going to be at the lacrosse tournament in Vegas come October. Still can't believe we lost in the state semi's to crappy Amity. That one kid was really good though. Maybe playing at UT will be just as fun and we'll have success. Seems like Texas lacrosse is nothing to ours, but I shouldn't get cocky yet. Its only a club team. Nobody better come in my room even though the door is open. Don't feel like being social, and its late. Its annoying that dumb Mark always locks it too every single time one of us is out of the room for five seconds. In fact, Mark is annoying in general. He seemed fine when we talked online prior to coming here, but he reminds me of Mendelson at home so much. I don't do well with these leech people too, I wish he wouldn't follow me around. But you know what, he is a really nice kid and I feel terrible saying these things, especially in some assignment that someone is reading. At least I'm nice to him in person. Waking up to him puking this morning was not cool either. ah he is awake, he better not get up here and read the screen like he always does. bah. Its funny coming to college after you're used to your friends at home. I'm glad that I don't know anyone and I'm on my own. You get to the point where you expect things of people and you know your friends so well, so coming here puts you out of your element for a bit. I think I'm meeting decent people though and I only expect to meet more and more cool people. At first I was pretty skeptical about everyone, but that's just because I was missing the guys I've had a good time with for years. Time to move on. plus I always said I needed to get out of little lame Brookfield. Zebrahead is the bomb. I don't think I ever get tired of their music. I'd like to see them in concert again sometime soon but they don't really have any dates posted. And IF I do see them again, I'm going to chill towards the back and just listen. Being up front was crazy, but its hard to enjoy sometimes when you have some annoying girl giving you elbows to the kidneys and her nappy sweaty weave is sticking to your clothes and skin. But hey, its the price you pay I suppose. Radio 104 fest was still probably the most fun of all concerts though, hahahahh especially when we dropped that girl that was crowd surfing and kicking people in the faces on purpose and she started bleeding. Its horrible I know, but its really not cool what she was doing. Plus, she was not seriously injured. girls shouldn't crowd surf anyways, there are too many dirtbag guys who are just trying to crop a feel. HAHA Like that one guy who ripped the girl's thong off. Speaking of which, I need to meet some more girls here. Emily has completely drained me over the past two years and I'm glad that I can finally be away from her and her attachment and be able to meet some people. I do like that one girl in astronomy, she seems pretty cool. Its too bad I don't see much potential in meeting anyone on or around my floor, they are all pretty private. I don't see what Tyler and Jeremy and Luke see in the girls upstairs too, they're just really loud and annoying, and not the most attractive of ladies either. You got to love UT, there are attractive girls everywhere. AHAHAH To whoever is reading this, I apologize for sounding like a complete jackass. I've talked about dropping girls on their heads, and how I think people are ugly, and how I don't think people are too cool, and how Texas lacrosse isn't very good. I probably sound like one arrogant loser. I'm really not. but I do admit that I am very confident in myself, and I think that rubs off on how I express myself. Actually, I'm probably just pretty arrogant. 311 is the best. Again, the playlist is sidetracking my thoughts. I wish I went to see them in concert here last week, but I've seen them before and I had class early the next day. Live music is the best. I think seeing STP and Cake here the first night I visited put a pretty positive spin on the place for me, that was pretty tight. There's a whole lot to do here, I love it. Last night at Sixth Street was pretty fun too even. Everything just seems cool here. I'm drawing a blank here. just listening to music. Maybe I should I have left it off when I started writing. yep drawing a blank again. Wonder if Cameron is back at his ghetto dorm yet, he is going to have to start writing this too, and I bet I'll have mine finished by the time he even gets back in his room. Okay, my 20 minutes are up, and I could continue if I wanted to, but I'm pretty tired so I think it would be best for me to just hit the sack, or play Counter Strike.

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16

I was a little nervous about writing for this assignment because I've never really done anything like this. So i decided to put it off until the last minute. It is now twelve twenty-three on the night before its due. Im really beginning to get nervous about the whole college experience. So far I havent really met any new people that I would actually fraternize with on a regular basis. I think the main reason for this is that so many of my friends from high school are attending UT. It is a lot easier to just hang out with them all the time than to bother with the trouble of making new friends. Although I know in the long run this will not accomplish one of my goals in coming to college, which is to make new diverse and long lasting friendships. I don't know I guess will just have to see how things turn out. One thing that I am really happy about is the fact that my girlfriend also goes to college here. In fact she is a mere stones throw away in LLD. She means alot to me and during this time of insecurity it makes things a little easier. I mentioned LLD well that is a girls dorm, near LLB which is my dorm Whitis court that I now call home. Whitis is a nice little community although I don't much enjoy some of the company here. The rooms are nice and very spacious unlike in Jester. However its still kind of hard to think of this room as my own. It seems like a room in a hospital or some mental institution, with its industrial white painted walls and linoleum floor. I guess its just one more thing Ill have to get used to. Not only is the new college experience making me uncomfortable right now. I am also planning on joining the Marine Corps and going to the PLC course this summer. It is a big step in my life and im a little unsure about it right now. My father was a marine and his father was in the army and I feel somewhat obligated to serve my country. One thing that I would like to accomplish in my life is making my father proud and i think that is perhaps one thing that could. Me and my father didnt have the greatest relationship this past summer before i went off to college. It seemed like he was pushing me away and out of the family. I know he loves me but i guess thats just the fathers way of letting go. Hopefully this time apart will do our relationship well. He came into town for a job interview the other day but i didnt get to see him, it was a little upsetting. I really do love and care for my family but I believe they think much to the contrary. I guess I don't show it very well, or give them much common courtesy. This short time away from home has made me realize how much they do for me and how much I miss them.

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7

I'm really behind in school work right now. I have been working so much that I have put school work aside. I have a lot of things to buy and not enough money for everything. I'm wondering if I really need to buy a mask for my scuba class. that means I would have to invest ninety bucks in a mask and at least twenty for the snorkel. another thing that makes me really mad is that I just bought those flip-flops today and somebody stole them. that makes me so mad, it's like nobody has any integrity anymore. I don't understand every time I find something in a store I always turn it in. that's the way I would like for my things to handled if I left them. it just makes me mad. sure, they were on a super sale for ten bucks, but still, that is not the point. I wonder where my honey is at. oh yeah he had a flight meeting to attend. I wonder when he'll be back. it's already nine. okay, let's think, what do I have to do tonight. I have to finish up my economics homework, gosh I have to get at least a b in that class. I also have to get a good grade in this psych class. I wonder who's right outside, they sure are making a lot of noise. oh yeah, I have to do good in this class because I need it for my sequence to apply to the school. so I have to finish up this homework and then do eco. I'm glad I don't have to worry about digging up all the answers since I already found a bunch of them. I have to read for social work and I need to go and buy the sports package. I need to find out what time I have to be at work on Wednesday evening. I don't think my boss understands that my class doesn't let out until five and she wants me at work by five thirty, she's crazy. gee, I'm really thirsty. gosh, I have got to get back into homework. I have a test in sw on the 22. I have so much reading. I hate reading especially about research stuff. I think the only reason I'm caught up in psych is because most of the reading is pretty interesting and so is the prof. and economics, I guess I'm just afraid to fall behind in that class. so my goal for the evening will be to get all this psych stuff done and economics and get through the chapter in social work. that shouldn't be too hard. I kind of like that Jason isn't home but I'm getting worried about him. if he were here then I probably wouldn't' be getting this done. on the other hand he has plenty of physics and calc to do also so I guess we'll both be getting school work taken care of tonight. I'm so excited that I'll get to go to one of the football games this year. at least I'll feel like a normal college student for a day. I wonder how that slip that I just bought fits. I have yet to try it on. I bet Jason will love it but he will just have to wait. gosh, I'm hungry. what did I eat today, oh yeah I ate Chinese. I really have to get in touch with bob. I feel so bad that I haven't contacted him. I need to extend my condolences to his family. I bet his poor mother must be miserable without her husband. I don't know what I would ever do if I lost Jason, that's because we're not even married.

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22

And so know I begin my first assignment in psychology. I don't know exactly how to begin this but I'm giving it my best shot. Typing isn't my forte so this is going pretty slowly. My roommate just walked in and then right out as soon as I told him what I was doing. Wow, there's something on the screen besides solitaire! He must be thinking. I hope my computer gets fixed soon. It'll be so much easier being able to send this through the internet from my dorm rather than going to the SMF lab and waiting for an open computer. They should have come to fix it by now. I guess they have a lot of people to help considering that I've called them two or three times already. And when the Ethernet starts working that will be awesome. Lightning fast access; no more waiting and waiting and waiting. . At least the phone lines are up and running ( in my room anyway). And not only that I got two free phone cards on the street today. I love it when they just hand out free stuff! Uh oh, I just heard some cars screeching outside but I can't see anything from my window. I hope they're o. k. I can't leave this keyboard! Hmmmmm, I just got writer's block and I'm writing through my stream of consciousness. I wonder if that's bad. I just got a song in my head but it's not like I can write down the notes ( it's instrumental ). My gum is losing its taste, I think that I might need a new piece soon. It's Winterfresh gum. It's my favorite. I don't exactly know why it's my favorite gum, but maybe I'll find out in this psychology class. Psychology is a kind of hard word to type and it takes a little longer that some of the other words. My roommate just turned on some music. Its called Prodigy, the group that is, and they play electronic music. It sounds pretty cool, I think I'll go listen to it.

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25

OK, it's 8:10 and I hope I can get through this assignment without my computer crashing. I hate typing. chris is an asshole; this was a very bad day and I know it's probably bad to always be negative, but I don't fucking care because this is my stream and no one else's and I don't think anyone will read this anyway and if you do, you'll never know who I am because there are ten million people in that fucking class and no one knows who I am. by they way, would it be fucking possible to go to one of those classes and not be surrounded by sorority bitches? I mean, they are so annoying with their chatter about boys and hair and beer and parties, and they talk in class which is really annoying and they make my skin crawl. well I stopped for like 10 seconds, is that OK? are you going to come over here and kill me now? didn't think so. damn, I am displaying some fucked-up-ness am I not? I knew this was going to be a 301 intro class but I forgot that meant freshmen crawling around everywhere. I was never that stupid. I was never that annoying. well fuck, it's only 8:16; but anyway I have a ton of homework to do today and a friend is coming over for dessert later, so I need to get this done. i will add some happy thoughts just so you don't apply your analytical theories and conclude that I am mad and need to be injected with some medicines to make me happier and more docile. happy. happy. happy. nothing comes to mind. except that donny's trial is finally over and that makes me happy. my brother, donny, was accused be a couple of girls of molestation during a clarinet lesson and that was nine months ago and my family had to pay thousands of dollars to defend the lucky guy and now we have no money, but at least those mini-whores backed down, yeah thanks, after 9 damn months they were like (my hand hurts) nevermind, we don't want to testify (because we're lieing!!!!) how do you spelll lieing? liing, lying yeah lying, sorry that I don't know how to spell but who cares becasue no one is going to read this anyway. I am a very fast typist so I think that my writing will be longer than most chris just walked by sophie the kitty is playing with the lizards and chris is trying to look at the screen but I think he shouldn't his is my fiance and my fhands hurt carpal tunnel carpal tunnel I have a huge secret: I have a giant crush on an old english teacher of mine; she is a woman; and I an engaged to marry a man. hahahahah. that's funny. I think that htat is very very funnyll meow. I made a cat toy for sophie; a film canaster full of pennies; she loves it; it is loud and my toes are cold; I had hot dogs for dinner; I can't tyep as fast a s my thought are coming; becasue I am thing like a milltion things at a time like tath I sjust spent 900 dollars on a princeton review and I hope that I t gives me a better GRE score than ANYONE in the ENTIRE WORLD!! hahahahahha I don't care what you say; I am taking a break. ok now I am mutch better. muthc I said mutch; hahah I am better my hands don't' just I meant hurt anymore but my toes are still cold. anyway this english teacher is really cool and I've had her for like two semesters and she said I was "too naughty" in class. what is chris blowing on? he was blowing on "a tabby thing on his book and he wanted the ink to dry. last night he farted and it smelled really bad. ihahahah the things going through my mind. I hiop chris says he wants to read this and that iwll probayy color my thoughts for the duration; could you do something aobut those fukcing standardized tests? I means really? I got a 1260 on my SAT and I hapve a 3. 97 GPA; os that was not a very good predictor of my progress at 8:30 see you.

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15

I believe sometimes I think to much about what's at hand. I always have to be scheduled and know what's to come. I wonder if its just good discipline or if its a problem. For example its the first day of class and I'm doing the writing assignments already, it was my mind so I did it. My mind is wandering, I'm thinking about my girlfriend at home and what she is doing and thinking about, hopefully me of course. What are my other friends doing that went to others schools, do they feel pressured. What am I suppose to be thinking or typing about. I wonder if your looking for any certain topic we should be thinking about. Am I going to do well in this class, will I get an A, B , C, D, or even fail? I guess I will find Out Eventually.

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25

I really don't have a clue what to write about but I guess I'm supposed to think of what I'm feeling which is that my tank top's straps are really bugging me because they keep falling down and I keep looking at the pictures on my desk instead of the screen and what I am writing my refrigerator keeps making an annoying buzzing sound but I am concentrating on it anyway since I have to keep in touch with my senses. I keep staring at these pictures like I'm afraid to look at the screen or something it is a picture of me and my two friends from high school in our bathing suits acting like morons. there is also a lot of dust on my desk and on the picture frames and I really think I should clean them off, but I am pretty lazy so I doubt I will do that there is dust on everything around my computer!. the printer, the keyboard, the mouse pad, the phone and the pictures. my neck keeps itching; its probably from the dust or something. I can't believe I've only been typing for three minutes. this is going to be a very long paper, but this assignment is definitely a lot more fun than all the other ones in my other classes. uhoh the phone is ringing and I don't know whether to pick it up or not! I guess I can't because that would be breaking the rules! so I didn't and now it stopped and a really loud voice came on the answering machine of course the message wasn't for me I already had my really really good and nice phone calls for the day. I guess you could call me one of those losers that really misses home. I miss my boyfriend and my friends in the picture on my desk and my dad. and I miss my mom, but she's not at home, at least not technically because she's dead. this should be interesting to see where this thought leads because I have noticed in myself that whenever I think about my mom my brain won't let me and it starts thinking about something else like what I will wear tomorrow or something totally irrelevant. my mom was nice and I have a picture of her in my room but I can't really see it from where I am now because it's above my bed it makes me sad to think about her and when I do, like now, it makes me want to cry. I think that my brain realizes I will be too sad when I think about it so it won't let me. that is kind of nice of it, but sometimes when I just want to think about it, it won't let me. now my wrists are hurting from typing so fast for so long and my back is itching and it is getting very hot in here our room is always hot. my mom was always hot and we had to keep our house freezing cold nobody wanted to come to my house in the winter because it was so cold. it didn't matter this past winter, though, because she wasn't alive and I could turn the heat up if I wanted to because no one would yell at me for doing it. My dad would sometimes, but he doesn't really care. He'll yell at me to put on a sweater or something because I am costing him too much money when I can just put a sweater on but my dad is nice, not as nice as my mom, but he wasn't as understanding or shy as her. when she first died he was very understanding about everything but now he is the same as he always was there is a picture of us above my bed that I can see well it is of us dancing at my brother's wedding like ten years ago we were really happy then and we are now, too, I guess he just got married again so there was some tension there but its gone now for the most part, despite what he says. he is in Ireland now with his new wife because that is where she's from and her dad is dying so they went to see him. I liked her dad; he was a funny Irish guy he has cancer; it seems that everyone dies of cancer, although my mom didn't. my mom died because of an incompetent fire rescue ambulance squad and bad cop who will go to hell when he dies, hopefully. it bothers me that I am so bitter about him and the ambulance squad but I can't help thinking that my mom would still be alive if it weren't for them. now I only have five minutes left to go I am extremely itchy I am never this itchy in any other given twenty minutes, I guess its just the stress of actually having to think about my thoughts. the people outside are being so loud and annoying you think that if you were on the ninth floor you wouldn't hear stuff on the ground so far below, but you can. I keep going from staring at the pictures to staring at the screen; I'm afraid to look anywhere else I guess so now I am just sitting here listening to the people outside, enduring my itches, and thinking about how I've almost written a whole entire page on absolutely nothing relevant. I guess some parts were relevant because they made me pay attention to my surroundings and what my brain actually thinks I think it will be cool to go back and reread this. this was a fun assignment except my wrist really hurts now and my arms are sagging like how they tell you not to do on the anticarpel tunnel syndrome commercials and papers. but I only have one minute left now and I can't wait because my wrists are hurting and I don't think they can take much longer. I haven't typed in so long unless you consider email a valuable typing time which I don't because my emails are never a page and some long! ow. ow ow ow. those people are s

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14

I'm at home right now. it's weird because I don't really live here anymore sine my new home is at UT. 'm glad I got to come and see my dog and my cats. they miss me alot. I love my sister. she already says she wants to be a d-g and she knows nothing about it but that her big sis is one. I have so much to do that it's crazy. I feel like no mater what I do there's always something else to do. I am sooooooo excited about Friday. my ex-boyfriend is diving down from tech to see me. it's been over a month since I’ve seen him. I can't decide what to do about him. we get along great. he can treat me well, when he doesn't he doesn't do it on purpose. I know that this sounds pathetic but it's not. I’m confused because I want us to get back together this weekend but I also want to just be friends. it's just that I love him so much and could see myself married to him. I know that he loves me. he said that he wanted us to get back together, but we'll see what happens. it's amazing how the boy is always on my mind. I mean, the more I try to stop, the worse it gets. I guess that's how you know that you're in love. ok, it's been ten minutes and I still have ten to go. yeah, not. I hate to write. I hate that I had to take freshman English because I got at 600 instead of a 610 on my sat2. dumb. the class will be easy though. I like college life. the only class I’m scared of is calculus. I was supposed to take it in high school but was busy with dance and pals so I didn't take it. big mistake. I’ve forgotten so much stuff since junior year. my lil sis is a big sophomore now. she still seems so young to me. my parents went to the airport to get my older bro. he's the perfect son-national merit scholar, works for my dad, etc. the cowboys won today. I was exited. Josh, my ex, and I used to bet on the cowboy games. this reminds me to copy that e-mail he wrote. he was fighting with this other guy over me. how romantic. I miss him alot. I’m so glad I get to see him this weekend. I know that this is materialistic, but I’m worried about what to wear. I have this effect on him that he can't resist me(I know it sounds like I have an ego, but he has the same effect on me which makes it so hard) it was easy when I’d see him every day because it made him want to be with me. but I’m worried now that he's away, he'll forget about his woman in Austin. but whatever's mean to be will be. I’m very religious, but today I didn't go to church. it's hard to find time in college. excuses, excuses. I need to go by and oil-absorbing mask. my oily skin is gross. well, I’d love to sit here and type some more, but my time is about up and I have to go to the store before my parents and brother get home for family hamburgers night. I can't decide if I’m going home to UT tonight or not. I think I might just stay here but I can't decide. hope that my mind helps you in this experiment or whatever this is. I can't to learn about all this mind stuff. it looks coll. well, bye for now. ps- I feel like I just wrote a long e-mail to a friend. maybe that's what I’ll do now.

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I wish travis would stop switching channels on the TV. actually i wish my internet was hooked up already. then i wouldn't have to be over here in his getto room. granted he is like my best friend from elementary that boy needs some help. or maybe its just because he is a boy. i have a few other friends that are guys that have issues with cleaning their rooms. but for the most part by this time in thier life i would expect them to be able to clean up after themselvesm. maybe my expectations are too high. i know they can be to high for my self sometimes but if they werent then i wouldnt' be here at UT. i would have just stayed at home and gone to community college. So in that respect i am glad to have standards that are maybe too high. it keeps me interested in whats going on. ok so travis is talking to the tv, now i know for him this is normal but still it seems odd to me. For a 19 year old i wouldn't expect him to be watching nick jr at 10 in the morning. i mean he was the validictorian of my class shouldn't he be studying or watching something educational or at least more mature? i dunno. i think he is going to the game with me and some of my friends. im a little concerned with how they are going to treat him. he doesn't come off as the straightest guy you've ever met. infact he doesn't come of as straight at all. although he claims he only likes gals. i don't really believe him and im kind of just waiting for him to come out. in high school he was the only male cheerleader in the history of the school and its a small school. he wasn't good at it either but the school couldnt' say no to him because they thought he might sue if they didn't let him in. so they did. but then when he wasn't allowed to dance with the female cheerleaders he threw a fit which really didn't go to his straightness accredation. but i know one day he will just be like kendra im gay and i'll be like i know its about time and then life will continue just as it always has. ha reading rainbow is on. i haven't watched that show in forever. i didn't even know it was still showing. i knew mr. rogers retired. i grew up on that show. i grew up on all of PBS. i was really big into it and my younger brother just wasn't so when he was old enough to say what he wanted to watch it was something like power rangers or ninja turtles. he would throw a fit if i was watching pbs. he didnt' learn to read as fast either. im sure their is a correlation but i think its mostly because i was an only child when i was learning to read and my brother always had me getting in the way of his alone time with mom. but luckily for him he gets all the alone time with her that he can handle and he's in high school too. i think its just too funny. now mom's retired and always home and while i used to be jealous of the time they spent together -her always helping with his homework she would always go to his class parties and such - now she follows him around just so she won't get bored. i mean i know how often she calls me just to make sure i've been locking the doors before i go to sleep. i almost feel bad for him. almost. except he gets more parental funding still being at home and never having a job. i never asked for money like he does. i can't understand where his money goes either. he doesn't go anywhere he can't drive. but still he has no money. other than food i don't know where it goes i think he just puts it in a shoe box until he can afford a video

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16

Hmmmm. What am I going to write for my stream of consciousness. I don't even know if I spelled that word right. Oh, well. I guess I just write whatever comes into my head. By the way, I have to fill out my daily schedule for my EDP 310 class. Don't forget about that. It's kind of hard to type whatever comes into my head because my hands aren't as fast as my thoughts. (That's obviously a good thing). What's on my mind. This is a lot harder than I thought. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing in my head and I just draw a blank. Nothing to write about. I wish that I can draw pictures on this thing but I can't. I tend to be a more visual person and I get a lot more pictures in my head than words. I think I'm going a bit over twenty minutes, although it doesn't seem like it. I just sit here at my computer and think sometimes because I want something to pop in my head so I can write it down, but nothing happens. It seems like when you want your mind to wander, it has a harder time doing it, but if you're trying to concentrate on something, like when you're taking a test, your mind can't stop wandering. I guess that's the amazing thing about the brain. so unpredictable. At least to the untrained individual who doesn't know what to look for it seems unpredictable. Maybe not so much for an expert. Its funny how the mind works. Anyway, I don't want to get all philosophical or psychological or anything so I think that my time is up. Until next time. Ooohhh my arm itches

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6

I'm almost over being homesick and I'm starting to get into the groove of things. At first all I could think about was getting through the week and trying to come up with an excuse so that I would get a chance to come home and see all my friends. The first weekend I did just that and I did see some of my friends but then I realized they're going through the same thing that I am. Most of my friends are spread out all over the place, from Austin to College Station to North Carolina, my small hometown wasn't anything like it was when I left it. And that was just about two weeks ago. So by the time the weekend was over with I was actually ready to head back to Austin. As of right now I really don't think about near as much. Don't get me wrong I still wouldn't mind going home just to crawl into my good old bed back in Palestine, But at least I can deal with it now. The only thing that is really on my mind is making sure that I'm prepared for every class. So when I go home at Christmas my parents don't kill me for wasting all their money. They keep telling me that they expect me to bring home A's and B's. I don't know about all that but I'm going to try my hardest and hopefully that will be good enough.

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Right now I'm sitting at my computer at home trying to decipher a way to buy a new truck. How can I find the right truck that's cool for me, is affordable, and will last without much repair. Well I guess the first thing to do would be to go around to dealerships and research prices and selection on the market. That sounds like a wonderful idea and tomorrow would be a perfect day to go out and do that with my dad, but there is one problem. Which is I am pledging a fraternity right now and should be up at the house tomorrow to be with my pledge brothers. This gets me right back into deciding what my priorties are. So far since school started I have dealt more with priorties in two weeks than ever in my life. I have had to be more definitive with decisions and stand behind them because they are so important now. I want to do so much stuff like join a frat, hang out with friends from high school, buy a truck, get good grades, meet people, and keep up with my girlfriend in New York. Now that's been the most pressing issue on my mind at all times. I got a girl that I'm in love with at school across the country and talk to her every day. Is it possible that I can expect our relationship to work out? I know I want it to, I know I want to see her and have things the way they were, but is that something I can manage. Are we going to end up on bad terms because one of us is going to meet somebody and the other will feel left out, or can we trust each other and resist tempations and stay together. It just drives me crazy to think about what she is doing all the time. Then I start wondering about my best friend who went to Arizona and if he is meeting new people and finding different friends. I miss having the comfort of my girlfriend and best friend around because I feel I don't act like my true self around new people. I am not trying to be fake with anyone, but I can't be comfortable and completely open around new people and I don't like that. I just hope to keep in contact with all the people that mean a lot to me, and never sell them out to new friends because I would be preety upset if that ever happened to me. Even though I got lots of new friends in my fraternity, they can never eplace the ones that I spent my time with in high school and they will never share those same experiences.

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Right now I am actually thinking that I am not sure exactly what I am going to write about during this twenty minutes. I was actually feeling a little nervous before clicking the button to start this assignment but now I am just thinking about what I am going to write. I just thought that if I think about something that I normally would not want someone esle to know, should I write it here. I still stuck on what to write. I just decided to think about what I have to do today and that will give me something to write about. First I have to finish this assigment, then I have to sign up for testing and hopefully finish the pre-testing before the deadline. Then I am going to make an outline for the first three chapters of my managerial accounting textbook. My train of thought was just interrupted because I started worrying about whether or not I can type fast enough to have enough written down for this assignment. Actually, I am not even sure if that matters because I am not 100% sure about how these assignments are graded. I heard Professor Pennebaker say that all we have to do is turn them in on time and we get full credit as long as we take them seriously. So that should free me up to just write. I think I might stress to much about grades. Good Lord, I am thinking that this writing assignment is not going as I pictured it. I feel a little awkward about what I just wrote. I am thinking write now about what to write next. I am thinking that I want these next seven minutes to go by quickly. I'm feeling stressed about all of the school work and outside work i have to do. I am wondering how I am going to get all of it done and when I will have time to relax or if I will have time to relax. I am now thinking that this 1st writing assignment is not going so well. I am now thinking that I wish my phone would stop ringing because it is interrupting my writing. Iam still thinking that I worry too much though. I wish I didn't. I feel like I could of done better on this writing or that I had a done it another time it might have been more up beat. The time is up. I hope this is o. k.

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My roommate is trying to sleep, so I hope that I am not going to bug her by typing. I'm using her computer because mine is at home. I have no idea how to use the internet I need to go get my e-mail address so that I have one but I don't feel like it. I still have to get my books for two more classes tomorrow morning- I can't forget that. I miss my boyfriend- I hope he comes down this weekend cuz' I can't go up there again till he comes down to see me-I just wouldn’t feel tight about it. He is such a jerk-I wish I could just meet someone else and get over him but it's so hard. I can't believe that Heather and Sebastian broke up this weekend-that's so sad. It seems so weird that relationships can totally dissolve so fast-where do the bonds you had with these people go so suddenly? Relationships are so weird-love is weird. I would really like to meet someone that I am as attracted to as I am to Matt and that I love undoubtedly and someone who I know loves me that way, too. I would give anything to know exactly hoe Matt feels about me-why does he still have to play games with me-I f he cares about me, he should tell me-I do. I wonder what he will think when he gets that letter-I hope it doesn't freak him out-maybe I should have sent it-he's probably going to let all his friends read it and then I'll feel like a dumbass like always. I keep making mistakes and I know we aren't supposed to worry about them but I can't quit fixing them. I wonder if anyone will actually ever read this? I wish my roommate’s boyfriend and his friend would leave-they've been here three freaking days-that’s a little inconsiderate-I think and she keeps drinking all my lemonade-doesn't she realize that costs me money-I wouldn’t care if she'd ask-but that is so rude, she doesn't even say thank you. That guy gives me the creeps and he just sits on our coach all day. I wish Emily and Lori could call me with their phone number-I really miss them. I need to call Cynthia, too, and see what sorority she got into. I wonder if she's seen Emily and Lori-will that all stay friends? I feel left out-I wonder in Cynthia saw the bracelets-she will be so pissed at me if she did-I'll call her after 5. I can't wait to go play volleyball-I've got to finish my drama reading after this, too. I wonder if I am doing this right-I can't tell exactly what thoughts to write cuz some come to me while I'm writing others and then I lose them-I need to write a poem-I've been losing so many good ideas and that pisses me off. only 11 more minutes to go. I haven’t typed in along time, I would love to be with Matt right now-I am so glad that I haven't been thinking about him as much as I did before we moved-That would kill me, maybe I'm shielding myself a little cuz I still; feel like he is going to be the first person to really really hurt me-why is it that my self esteem hinges so much on his interest in me? That is certainly not healthy, why did I just type certainly instead of definitely was thinking defiunatle, that was an idea for a poem that I still haven’t written down I need to remember that-I hope I like my poetry class-it will suck if I hate it after all the trouble I went to get in it. I'm glad that the part about my roommate’s boyfriend is gone now, I'm afraid she’d walk in and read it-now she'll walk in and read this-oh well-three days is too long-I wonder if Matt will stay the night here when he comes or at t8m's house of that other guy who lives in Austin. I am anxious to go to College Station thought, but will I stay at Matt's house or at Emily and Lori's house. Will that be mad at me if I stay at Matt's. The computer just went back to the main menu cuz I guess I pushed Ctrl-whatever that menas-2 more minutes-I am so glad I didn't just lose the whole thing-I'd have been pissed beyond belief-my hands are getting tired. I have heartburn from my dada's chili still-I hate chili-why did I eat that anyway? I can't believe Princess Diana is dead-it seems so weird-she is just as vulnerable as anyone but it never seems that way-now two princesses have died in car accidents-cars are so dangerous-time is up-Yay!

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right now my mind says why the hell do I have to do this. I'm not up to doing this crap because I just woke up and I realized that I have to get this homework done before it is due in class. I have been missing home and all of my friends. especially the girl I love but she is being a bitch to me sometimes and I don't appreciate that. anyway I have realized that I have been slacking off in my classes and I have to get started on doing all of my homework because if I don't then my ass is going to be back in home racking leaves, and cutting grass. anyway, my roommate, which is my best friend is going to move out on me and I am going to be here all alone. I think that at he is stupid for what he did and I hope that all of it is falsed. he might have gotten his seventeen year old girlfriend pregnant and now she wants him to go home and be with her so he is going to drop out of college to go back home and take care of her. i sure do hope that the bitch is lying and just wants for him to be close to her for no reason. but if she is lying and doing it on purpose, then I will fuck the shit out of her for being a bitch. anyway enough of the vulgarity, this is all that is bothering me and all that is running through my mind, I am also thinking about this girl named felicia that I met last night. she had just turned nineteen and she is one of the nicest girls that I have met down here. she has a wonderfull sense of humor, she doesn't like to leave anyone out and she has a beautifull smile. I don't think that she thinks much about me but I sure do hope that one of these days she realizes what a great guy I am and she starts to recognize my existance on this earth. tonight is going to be a great night, we are going to go eat chinese food at the china star, we are also going to go get drunk off our asses and party tonight. my friend is not going to forget tonight since it will probably be his last night here so I we are going to party for him, the twenty minutes seem to be up so lates and peace out.

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28

Damn, I'm really hungry. My girlfriend was really hungry too, so she came over to make some Spaghetti. I guess it's already almost 6pm, so dinner wouldn't be a bad thing. In fact, it would be a good thing. It's pretty hot outside today. I have a horrible crick in my neck. Almost like I've been looking in the same direction for ages and never had my hinges oiled. When I look to the left, it all seems to go away. Perhaps I should start sitting on the other side of the classrooms. I should start studying more often. I passed my Computer Proficiency Test today. not like I was terribly worried about it though. I had my first quiz at UT today as well. I ended up reading for my Financial Accounting class for an hour and a half at the AIM reading room at the school of business. I did a few homework problems at the end, but didn't finish them. If I would have been reading for my MIS class, I probably would have been prepared for the quiz. It's pretty straightforward stuff though--especially with me being a certified Microsoft and Citrix network administrator. My roommate Chad has been really sketchy lately. I think it has to do with the fact that we moved in together as 'eligible bachelors' after both breaking up from serious relationships. DAMN, those Italian herbs smell really good. It's making my mouth start to water really bad. I took a painting class last semester and did a few works -- one of them is sitting on my desk and keeps catching my attention. I also have a double Dave's cup on my desk -- which is one of my favorite places to eat. I think I'm going to turn some music on now [empty thoughts] I'm now listening to the sound of 311 (their self titled album to be more specific) I wonder if you all will actually read these. My thought pattern seems to have become more spaced out since I've started listening to the music. Oop--now it's picking up again. I have a stack of CD's on top of my monitor. Do you? Do you have a stack of anything? I once saw a stack of hay at my friends ranch. The code to their ranch was 1991, because that's the year they purchased it. The funny thing is, he now incorporated that number plus the first initial of him, his mom, his dad, and his two dogs into being his screen name. This sucks that the time is going by so slowly. At first it seemed to pass by really quickly--with the lines of text slowly appearing, but the time going by in increments of 30 seconds. The spaghetti is ready. Damnit, I'm hungry but I have to sit here for a little while more and type to no one. I wonder why brass was chosen as a doorknob color. Maybe because it looks similar to gold -- and gold is a precious commodity. My stomach feels like it's burning right now. Those aromas are filling my nose. WOOOOO HOOOOO! My girlfriend, Laura, just brought me a plate full of Spaghetti and Meatballs. to have a bite As much as I really want to sit here and keep typing, I think I'm going to grab a drink to pair with my spaghetti. Dr Pepper is pretty awesome. I can type and watch TV at the same time. I never thought being able to type without looking would be that good of a thing Now I get to use it while trying to complete my psychology assignment. Yeeeaaaah! The assignment is over.

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I know that I have assignments to take care of but I do not want to complete them. I know it is incredibly important for me to perform these tasks. they can make or break my future. yet, I still never seem to be able to motivate myself. it is really frustrating sometimes. But that is were the apathy sets in again and I will not take action. It seems like a cycle that I know at my house. My dad had behavior problems, to put them modestly, I could see how it would pain him, he did want to change, but it was as if he never followed through. I do not blame him, I just see a pattern that is similar to mine. But at least I am working now. I still have German 506 to complete that is were I am most suffering. I need to review, and starting to catch up before I wind up failing. It would b e the realization of possibly my worst nightmare. Me being my only downfall, or rather me causing my own downfall. At some point I have to break this cycle but sometimes I don't think I will. But I must press on. If I don't turn it around, on my own now that I am in college, I am afraid I never will , and all the jokes about the weeding out process catching me will actually materialize. I have to start putting my foot down. Tonight was a good start. I told my suite mate who I am very good friends with that I could not go see a band play with him. instead I opted to stay home and do work. However, only now I am beginning to work on it. That is very disappointing . It seems as if it will be another late night, another example of destructive behavior. I will go home this weekend and perhaps seeing all my old friends and especially my parents will provide both some moments of relaxation and clarity for realizing the importance of my task at hand. It will be very nice to get away. The depravity of this city seems to be catching me. Or rather I am slowing down to let it get me. Waco is a much different society than Austin. I cannot be lure d away. Then again that is a mistake for me to blame this city. Waco has all the same trappings, I just had a strict support system to keep me from falling . Now I can fall and It doesn't look that I will stop. I cannot think like that. But any rate, it will be nice to see the old friends and parents and perhaps be able to better take in my first 3 weeks of college and that way tell what all indeed I need to work ion to improve myself. I just know that this cannot go on or I will star5 to pay some very hefty consequences. My dad always told me before I left for UT that I would be greatly affected t by the people I surround myself with. I can see how this is partly true but I do not think they will control my pattern of thinking or my priorities. I will start breaking from their carelessness now and develop my own work habits. I will be in control of what it is I will do on any given evening instead of bowing to my lethargy and trying to relay on some mythical easy way out to appear. This is the time for me to start caring. I am not sure what else I can talk about. I have run the gamut with those previous thoughts and to talk of them more would just seem to be beating a dead horse. My mind is almost weary from thinking about the subject and I need an escape. Perhaps it is the midnight hour approaching that is getting to me. I don't believe that I have much longer to continue writing on this assignment. Two very large priorities for the even9ihng that I still have to take care of is my German, which I have already stressed the importance of, but also washing clothes because tomorrow I return to work and I need better clothing than what I am wearing, or have been wearing for the past two days. It may seem late, but if I am outrunning that new leaf, I am going to have to start somewhere, and if not now, when. My mind is growing blank and I believe that I should rest before going on to the next assignment so as not to be staring for thoughts on the next topic.

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However, after becoming sick I began to notice how much I was dependant on my mother to help me , and take me to the doctor and pick up any medicines I needed. Now I have to do it all on my own. I had to wake up in the middle of the night and take myself to the hospital, I had to pick up my medicine, I was now the one who signed the form for my treatment to occur, not my mother. Now it is all me, and in a way that kind of frightens me. I now have to wonder if I am doing things right, or if I am screwing things up. Also, I keep thinking about going home this weekend for the first time, and I am not quite sure if I feel ready to see some of the people I graduated with. I am really excited about seeing my parents and friends, but I am really dreading going to my former high school's football game. Then all of this brings up another thought into my mind. Everyone so going to make comments on the fact that I still don't have a boyfriend, or that I am too picky when it comes to guys, and all of that other mess. All of this seems so superficial when I look at it, but this is the stuff that I have been thinking about. I have met several guys that I am really interested in, but it seems like there is always a problem. I always seem to be able to pick things out about guys and turn a perfectly good guy into a loser. I can pretend that I like a guy to suppress my feelings for wanting to be with somebody, but I can't last more than two weeks with that person. I can try and try to make things work out but I always seem to push guys away, which my other believes is her fault because of her and my father's divorce or something like that. I just seem to get scared when a guy gets to close to me. All through high school, all of my friends dated the same guy, and I was the one who had a different guy in every dance picture. I am unable to totally figure out what my problem is , but I am hoping now that I am in college I will "find myself. "

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Yaaaaay. I'm doing psychology things. I'm really tired. And I wish I didn't' have to study so that I could go to sleep. I also wish I could type faster. I'm glad I'm here. Because being almost anywhere is better than being in Baytown. Except for being in Houston. Houston is all concrete and construction. But UT has squirrels. And lots of them. . What am I going to say in the whole 20 mins. I have to say anything I want? . Will people actually read this?. I guess I don't care if they do. Because I'm the type of person that thinks it's pointless to write for my own enjoyment. I get enjoyment out of other people reading what I write and then them enjoying it. . Hmm. I miss my boyfriend. Even tho he made me ANGRY last nite. He's still a nice and good boyfriend. On another totally random note. I've got this pimple on my face. Hahaha. It hurts! And it bothers me too! I want it to disappear! Not that it makes me look bad. I actually think it makes me look somewhat cute! hahah. That's kind of weird. Oh well. I wish I had a memory card for my playstation so I can finish Final Fantasy 8. At this rate. It'll take me YEARS to finish it. But maybe this is for the better. So I can study instead of play, because I would definitely be playing that and Metal Gear Solid. But. Only on weekends. Hahaha. I'm a girl that plays video games. I'm weeeeeiiiiiirrrrd. I wonder if I can get that job at the LanCave. I would be EVER SO HAAAAAPPPYYY. That would be awesome. It doesn't seem hard at all. just like the same stuff I did at eb but instead of renting people games I sold it to them. I don't miss eb at all. I wonder if Julia left yet. That place is the devil. And video games are the spawn of the devil. . I wonder what Marky is doing over at UofH. I hope he's having fun and he's not regretting his decision to go to UofH instead of UT. yah. We used to be big UT heads. Then he changed his mind and I changed my mind. And then I changed my mind again. And the I changed my mind back again to UT and now here I am. Woot woot go me. I think I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome. I hope there's free therapy after this writing exercise. blaaaaaaah. I haven't met very many people that are into stuff that I'm into. Except for Maryam. I can't wait to meet some other dorky kids that are into videogames and Japanese and cute fashion stuff. I want to go to Anime Club on Friday. But I will be going all alone because I"m sure that Ashley will not come with me. But Maryam might! I totally forgot. I will call and ask her. But that means that I have to give up Wushu practice. Maaan. I have such big dreams. But I have no idea which ones to follow. That gets frustrating. Okay. If I decide to give up Wushu. Then maybe I can get into fencing. or maybe even Kendo. But wushu is so neeeeaaat! but I don't know if I even have the strength to do it. it's crazy. maybe I should not do and just try again next year. No hard feelings, I hope. I don't even know if I'll have money to pay for that. I hope I get ANY job on campus. I'm. just. Bleh. I hope I get to stop being so anti-social. I'm not really anti-social. just a bit shy and cautious about who I talk to. I think that's a good thing. However, it can be very lonely. My wrists hurt. I wonder if my brother is having fun at home. probably not. Lol. He never seems to be having fun when he's alone. Aww. Now I feel bad for leaving him. Maybe he'll be encouraged to invite his friends over to hang out or something. I don't want him to be all lonely like I was as a junior in high school. . I wonder if my older brother has decided to go to graduate school yet. Or if he's really thinking about that invention thing. Heh. At least he's got his major and he's doing it in 4 YEARS. go him. He's my hero. Hahaha. I'm glad he kind of knows what he wants to do, because I sure don't. I'm torn between wanting something that will be lucrative and people will really need, and doing something that I looooove to do with all my heart. I've found, thru various high school experiences and the first year long relationship, that I can learn to love almost anything. which is a bad thing. I have no idea what I'm really good at and have no idea exactly how to find out. I already feel like I'm running out of time right now as I sit here typing out a required assignment. It's crazy. And frustrating. And I don't' want to try to do too many things at once, because that is what caused my uber-dramatic downfall my senior year. Okay. Maybe it wasn't a downfall. But it did make me realize some stuff about being human that you would think I'd know already, having been a human for almost 19 years. Silly me. Oh well. It won't happen again here, because I'm not in Baytown and I'm away from people that drag me down. I can choose who to interact with most times here, so that puts me in a position of power I rarely have. Yaaay for college. very glad I'm here and not in Baytown.

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How I am feeling right now is interesting. I have slept so long for the past few days. I think that it could be that I just moved here from Corpus Christi, Texas. Walking all over the campus is extremely exhausting and tiring. However, this weekend I did not walk a whole lot. I have just been sleeping so much. I think that it could be that I miss my mother or family and my body could be going through some sort of physical depression. That, I have no idea about. I do feel that I am getting sick. I have had a minor soar throat the past two days, and I am upset with myself because I forgot to bring my Vitamin C chewable tablets. I really like the cherry flavored ones because they taste so much better than the orange flavored ones. I know that you can only purchase the ones that I like at SunHarvest. I am not even sure if there is a SunHarvest here in Austin. I do have a large gallon of orange juice, so I will just drink a whole bunch of that until I start feeling better. Or at least until I get paid so I can buy my vitamin C pills. I just got finished taking the Pretest that is required before participating in the experiments that we students must participate in before the Thanksgiving break to receive credit for this class. I thought the test was extrememly interesting. Some of the answers I were a little sketchy. In this I mean, I was unsure if the answeres I put really reflected myself or if they were merely just answers of how I want to see myself. I have a fear of aligators. That is what I meant if I had a fear of any type of animals. I have had bad dreams about aligators, but not recently. There was one that I had and then had that same dream reoccuring the months and even years following. Yet, I haven't had dreams of aligators in a long time. I anticipate this class, for I have always found psychology an interesting subject. Well, who wouldn't. My mother never wanted me to become a psychiatrist because she said that listening to other's people's problems all the time would make a pretty girl like me ugly. I hold my mother on such a high pedistool, that I never thought of majoring in the subject again. I am a biology major. I am still unsure if that is what I really want, or if it is something that I have been trained to want since I was a child because the field was promising. I am having problems in calculus, i really don't care for the subject in the least, but it is part of my major. I feel that if I change my major just because it has a subject that I don't care for in its curriculm, that I will quit anything, for that matter, when things start getting tuff. I feel I will be a quiter. I have never felt that way about myself before and I don't intent to ever feel that way. The class does scare me. I am terrified actually. I must keep an average of a 3. 0. This may not seem to be difficult, coming from an overall average of 3. 6 GPA at Texas A&M Univeristy, Corpus Christi. But then I was not on a Financial Aid Plan and I knew my parents would still pay for school even if my grades fell below a 3. 0 average. So I intend to persure my dreams with my mind focused and my thoughts secured on one thing, making an A in every class. Even though I know that it will be almost impossible in Calculus II, I am going to try my hardest and I want to make my parents happy. They have given my so much already. And to make myself happy, is to make my parents happy. I don't want to be the reason of my unhappiness. If I can't make myself happy, then who really can?

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17

Right now I don't know what to write. Marc sure is cute, and funny too, it was nice of him to email me I wish Scott and I hadn't gotten in a fight earlier today. he overreacted I am glad dad emailed me. I miss my parents I am sick of this school the work is hard my astronomy makes no sense I am going to fail Michael is giving us too much work I need to read for eng and psy I don't know what to expect from the tests here. I can't wait to go home dinner with Christina was fun it sucks that laurissa and I don't hang out anymore. neither do Eileen and I no one ever writes me I wish that I went to U of H and lived at home I am not motivated I don't like my edp teacher. she makes no sense in our assignments Vicky is so inconsiderate about the TV I hope linds likes her present. . it wasn't exactly cheap. too bad we aren't closer. I wish that we were I wish that she would get better and get on track. . . I wish I would get on track. . . I am so disorganized! Psy is going to be hard. I can't remember anything! I never did study. study skills class is a joke b/c I know it won't help. boy, my typing sure does suck I miss my work! I need to email or write Christy. she was a sweet boss. Vicky hoggs the TV and is inconsiderate but lupe is nice. julie is too nice for her own good, and she talks about "daddy's money" too much. people like that are annoying I hate it here b/c its just too much to handle I can't wait to go home this weekend! that will be an adventure with all of the family roller coasters! I can't believe aunt rita did it before she got married! actually, I can, but still its weird. linds needs to get over paul I hope we go see a movie on Friday. I hope she wears the necklace I got her. I miss Scott. . . I wish he were a little more considerate of my feelings. . Vicky is SoOOO presumptuous! to change the channel while I am watching it??? I hope that no one thinks I am nuts when they read this. I am getting upset b/c of how inconsiderate everyone is!!! I am so glad mom called and dad emailed me! I miss them. I can't wait to go home. I hope the 20 mins goes by fast!!! this is getting boring. I need to read for English marc is so funny. . . the way he jumps around subjects is so cute! Scott thinks he is the only one with stress in his life. I am so glad I got the stupid "brain picking" out of the way. Christina worries too much. right now I am annoyed with everyone and everything! I am going to miss Thursday night shows b/c of stupid astronomy. I want to marry someone rich and stop having to study. I hate to study this sucks. . all the work! my time is up sooN!!! okay, maybe not. I wonder if they would know I did it for half the time, probably so. everything I am writing is stupid. I am tired and hate astronomy its too broad a subject. I can't visualize the universe so I can't understand any of the topics. I am a visual person. I have to see to understand! Noelle took Pascal, so did the girl next to me. I wish that Noelle and Chris would stop being so "happy" and Sappy with each other. its sick and I think it is unhealthy that he cries about her all the time. he’s a big baby and I think it would never work with them b/c its soooo sappy and I think its unhealthy that they plan their lives around each other when they have only been dating for 7 months. Scott and I don't do that and we have been going out for 4 years. maybe we should break up. . yeah right, that'll never happen b/c we're too comfortable, bad! Oh well, that’s life and what can I do? Vicky totally monopolizes the room. Marc is so funny. I can’t WAIT TO go home! I miss my parents, they have such a hand full with Lindsay! Why can't she be more normal and get "it" together. I am tired of everyone blaming me for her troubles, its not my fault, I am bossy but that didn't make her the way she is. Yes!!! only 4 mins to go! Thank GOD. I really should go to church here, I sure have strayed into the last 2 months, we never missed before we moved. Scott lives too far from the new house, glad he got a car. can't wait for Saturday’s Date!!! Hope he takes me to carrabbas, I am sooo hungry. wish the store was still open, I want pizza. vic is selfish. I wish she would go to lupe's tonight. I prefer to have the room to myself. I don't like her too much, thought she is okay some times, but still, UNCONSIDERATE!!! just b/c she’s a soph, doesn't mean she’s superior to me in any way!!! She needs to just get over herself and go to lupes for the night. . . I liked it better when she spent the night out. I am hungry. stress makes me hungry, I am mad and upset with vic, and Scott too, I hope he called, so I can call him back! YES. . . one more min. this was harder that I thought b/c I am soooo tired. couldn't check my messages b/c VICKY was on the phone!!! AHHHHHH I don't like her!!!!! she needs to be more considerate like me. I bend over backwards to be considerate for her!!! ahhhhhhhhhh THE END. THANK GOD!!!

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21

this is the weirdest thing I have ever had to-do. right now my roommate is watching the graham Norton effect and it is hard to concentrate. the show is really funny. he just changed the channel I am going to ask if could turn it down a little. Yesterday I had a really good date. it is all I can think about today. I hope things turn out good because I don't want to be hurt. I went to the gym today. I like and dislike working out. I like the end result and the feeling after working out, but I hate the feeling before I have start working out. I want to go out tonight. I don't have class on Fridays so I feel obligated to go out and do something. I got some people to go salsa dancing. nobody has really confirmed f they're going or not. I kind don't want to go anymore, but since some people already said yes I have to go. I am sure I will have tonight. this is really strange. I am just spilling out random thoughts. I really like the guy I went on date with. Well I don't know if I like him or if I like the idea of being with him? I guess time will show. I am tired of being single. I want a boyfriend! I was at the gym and I felt for some reason really aroused. I usually don't get aroused at the gym but today I saw a really hot guy that I couldn't get out of my head. I wonder if that is BAD THING to like a guy but still be really turned on by other guys. I know it is perfectly normal but I would have tired something with this guy if he had asked me to. maybe that's why people think I am whore. I m really sexual. I am really worried about getting in the communication school. I think about everyday. if I don't get in I don't know what I will do if I don't get in. I just had dinner by myself. I hate eating by myself. I think it is because I had no friends when I was growing up. I have friends now but tend to want them around to much. I want to have sex I hope ya'll don't read this because are going to think the worst of me, but at the same time I don't what anybody thinks of me. for the most part. I keep looking at the clock to see how much time I have left. I hope I am doing this right because if I am not than I will be really mad. my is cool but he tends to be an ass sometimes. he was just over my shoulder reading this. I told him not too and then he stop. he is watching Seinfeld now I wish I could enjoy the show right now. Wait no he is watching the king of queens. my mistake. I can concentrate now because I don't like that show. I have a lot of pretty friends.

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12

I am sitting at my small desk, looking at my computer I am not sure what I should be writing about, so I just type my shoulders hurt and I am ready to go to bed but I have so much more to do before I leave tomorrow to go home I am excited about seeing rich I wonder what we will do I know I have to work a lot and I w2ill probably be tired when I am done, but I will probably still want to go out because all I do here is work, study, work out, and try to keep my life in order cleaning my root day was a pain in the ass, finding places for everything sucked, and I still am not done. it will feel like a dark cloud over my head until everything is in place, which is likely to never occur. my roommate passed out tonight while studying. she works crazy hard and is so focused. right now she keeps mumbling in her sleep. it is pretty funny. I hope I don't disturb her. I don't know if she would want me to wake her up because she fell asleep in her clothes and stuff on her book. I'll probably just turn the lights off or something like that. I am craving some ice cream right now. I want vanilla frozen yogurt with granola. mmmmm. that will be my reward for getting this done early. I am glad that I finished my astronomy assignment tonight. it was just another thing that was hanging over my head. I have all this damn reading to do. and I can't seem to get past any of it because the second I finish one chapter, there is another chapter due in that book and in my other classes. Plus studying for that menu test. it should be fine though. I always get more stressed than I need to over everything. I like my laptop, but these keys piss me off. I don't understand why certain things happen. the cursor moves and it messes up what I am typing. grrrrr. I also want a diet coke. I am having trouble understanding why people gain 15 lbs when they go to school. I walk my ass off to and from classes. I am so afraid that I am going to gain weight. I didn't have time to make it to the swimming pace today. grrrrr. and I haven't done the firm today either. I really should. I need do. but I woke up too damn late to do it. I hope I get up at a good time tomorrow morning. I wonder when rich is going to call. I think when I finish this I am going to take a shower. that will feel good, and rich will probably call super late, whenever fox's closes. I miss him. I hope he is having fun, I wish I was 21 already. it is such a pain in the ass. I feel so much older. this juv del class is totally opening up my eyes to understanding different cultures and ways of thinking. and it is making me seriously doubt the stigma of underage drinking. I know they have their reasons, young drinking affecting high school, and drinking and driving accidents and whatnot, but still. How can I be treated as an adult in the court system, work place, and everything else, but still not be allowed to drink alcohol? That doesn't make sense at all to me. how can my friends be allowed to fight in war yet not drink beer? that is silly. and frustrating. and now that I know how the laws came to be how they are, I am even more stupefied by it. I love that class and teacher. he teaches basically directly out of the book, so I just have to skim read it, and that is pretty awesome. and his lecture is interesting, and he makes me laugh. that is so important. a sense of humor is everything. I like my nut teacher too, but learning that stuff makes me fee guilty for eating. if these damn pop-ups don't stop soon, I am going to have a serious problem. I am glad I am leaving again this weekend. even though everyone says leaving is bad, I still have a great time at home. and right now, I don't feel like I am missing out on anything here. I am going to try to balance it well, but I love spending time with rich. I love him, and I think he brings out the best in me. he has such a great sense of humor. and I laugh all the time when I am with him. I laughed so much at dinner tonight with them and bryttne. not at brytt so much, but em and I are so open

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6

I'm so confused and overwhelmed right now. Between school (hard classes, lots of homework and many hours), and sorority stuff (meetings or at least something every single night and weekend), and problems with my boyfrined (we're on the verge of breaking up), I don't have time to do anything fun or relaxing. It seems like I'm always going and I don't have time to stop and breathe, and evertyhing conflicts with everthing and I'm having to miss so many things for all my differnt things I'm involved in. Things wouldn't seem so miserable to me right now if it wernen't for my guy problems, too. I really wanted the whole long distance thing to work out and it seemed like it was, but we are both so busy that neither of us ever have time to go visit the other one and we both hate being so far away and never getting the chance to visit each other bc of our damn busy schedules. I am always so tired and stressed and never get a chance to sit and rest. I have to plan my whole day, down to when I have time ot eat and shower, every morning the second I wake up. Even though I'm complaining a lot, I LOVE sorority life, I LOVE UT, I LOVE all the frineds I have made, and all the things that are going on every night and every weekend, it is just so stressful bc I can't do everything at once. I'm not even real sure what I'm supposed to be writing about or anything, but all I can think abot right now is my guy problmes. Me and my boyfrined got in a huge fight tonight, so big that I threw my phone and broke it, which I usually never get mad or violent. But we both think that the other one is being so selfish to not be making time for the other one, but we are both in the same boat when it comes to our busy schedules. I don't know what to do, and this is all that is on my mind bc he means the world to me, and I don't know what I would do if we broke up, but I'm just so confused and don't know what to tell him or what I should do about this whole thing. I wish I could just take off from school and everthing and drive away and go see him for the weekend and work things out. I really don't know what else to say, I am rambling now evertying that pops into my mind. I really am having a great time down here asides from my crazy hellish schedule. I miss a lot of my frineds too. And it is so hard to get studying done here at the dorm with all my friends around all the time, with my radio and tv going, my phone ringing off the hook, my computer sitting right here tempting me to get on Instant Messenger and chat with all my friends. I'm just stressed, that's all there is to it, I hate feelign like this too, bc there is really nothing I can do about it, there is nothing I can get out of that I want to get out of. I am really hoping that things will just slow down and life will get to what I consider normal. That would be awesome. I don't know if that will happen and when it will if it does, but I'm really looking forward to that.

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29

I am writing in the Flawn Library. This is my first time using the computers here at the University. I was a little afraid because I did not have my e-mail address yet. But now I do and I am feeling a little better. I still do not know how to e-mail someone yet, but hopefully I will learn. The only people I would e-mail to would be my dad or some assignment I have to do for RTF 305. I am not very good with computers. That is one of my weaknesses. I feel a little out of place here in the computer room because I feel that I am the only person that does not know how to use computers. I guess I will keep asking questions until I finally figure it out. I wish I learned how to use computers earlier in my life, then maybe I would not be at such a disadvantage. Computers could come in real handy. Like for this writing assignment, for instance. In RTF 305, we have to go to the web page and ask questions in a discussion between fellow students. That sounds like a good idea. I am feeling tired today. I got enough sleep last night. I do know what my problem is. It was hard staying awake in class today. Hopefully tomorrow will be different. Before I came to the library, I was supposed to go to a SI for RTF. The only problem was that I went to the CMA building instead of the CBA building. That upset me because I was really looking forward to going. There is one tomorrow, but I have Psy during that time. However, I will be going to the Psy SI today from 4-5 p. m. This time, I know where the building is. I think these SI classes are good ideas because it is a follow up to the lecture that students receive in class. So, if I missed something, I could go to the SI and re-learn what I did not understand. Now, there is no excuses for not understanding material. I did an assignment like this one in my typing class last year. It was the same exact prompt: let your mind flow freely onto the screen. That assignment was only for five minutes though. Right now in the library, there is a long line for the computers. I hate waiting in lines. Today I waited in line to draw football tickets to the UT vs. Rutgers game on Saturday. I hope UT wins the football game. I am a big fan of football. In high school I was in band. That means that I got a free ticket to go to every football game. However, our football team was not that good. I think that Psychology will be an interesting class. I like learning about people and the things they do. I am looking forward to an interesting semester. I hope that the class is not too hard. Some questions that come to my mind right now is why do students have to do this writing assignment? What kind of research is this? What will this writing assignment tell about students? I will also be doing the experiments instead of the research paper.

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17

I am sitting thinking about how I have a headache, and how I am not hungry but I have a desire to eat because it is lunchtime. I am keeping an eye out for the evil ants that rule our dorm room. I think my roomate is sexy. I am havig a hard time relaxing and just writing I stop and pause to think of what I am thinking. my long nails make it hard to type my hair is falling out in droves. tompetty is in a week and a half I love tom petty. vh1 is on and is starting to get annoying I am going to turn it off, that's better. I have a tough time managing my time correctly I need to make changes I feel heavy I feel hungry, I would rather be surfing the web or checking my email than writing this but it's required I think there is something wrong with my computer it is acting weird I think it is juno's fault. my glands hurt my instant messenger is broken. I have nothing to write I feel the ants crawling on me but it's only my imagination but they're everywhere. I only have to write for ten more minutes. nothing to say or write but I must john mellencamp is talented I think I will listen to enrique -- hold on I just sneezed all over my screen I wiped it off with a dry erase eraser I am listening to echo instead I got a room at the top of the world tonight I got a room at the top of the world tonite & I ain't coming down & I ain't coming down I got some one who loves me tonite maybe not I don't have a significant other I think I need to changhe the soong but I am afraid I am starting to bve depressed again sometimes I think miriam lies but I guess not I saw her bruises but I think she might lie about other things. I miss granny & papa I think that I have written enough 4 more minutes maybe this song sounds nice tom petty is so talented. 3 more minutres I don't understand how this is helping me understand my thinking process this is weird I think that Dr. pennebaker is an oddball I am not hungry or full now, but I am thirsty I want to sleep I am so tired I am always tired I can't sign up for any of these dumb experiments I need to because they are always full 1 more minute and I am done la la la l alallalalalalalal fuck this I want to go this is making me upset I still have one more to do I wiill do it later Adios stupid writing assass assignment

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I'm still trying to figure out why I always procrastinate. I think I like to work under pressure, I have a philosophy paper due in a couple hours. I wonder if this class is going to be hard, or easy as long as you read and listen. I hope the second because I have never been one to study, and I would prefer not to now. why do people go home on the weekends? I thought that was what college is all about, going out on your own, more independence. calculus is going to be difficult this semester, I can already tell I'm going to have to do the homework in there. microecon shouldn't be too bad, I already covered most of the material in high school. if there's one thing in life I want to accomplish it is to understand what girls think, and what they mean by what they say or by their actions. I'm hoping this class well help me in that pursuit. its like you could be best friends, always hanging out have a great time, and think there's something there, but she just is gone for a while then. I'm still interested in this sleep deprivation thing. I read that some guy did an experiment on himself and stayed awake for over a hundred hours. after that everyone he saw he thought was Satan or the grim reaper or something like that. I think that would be an interesting experience to have, hallenacion and what not. I hope bush wins the election, although my family is die hard republican, I am more agree with things from both sides, with a slight lean to republican. I just believe bush will do a lot better job than Kerry, and the whole Vietnam thing I just don't was right. its funny how people can overreact and stereotype. there is currently a couple of bills in congress trying to resurrect the draft for military and civil service. while I don't know everything about it, I was looking over it and it appears to be supported by democrats. and the people I heard about it from were complaining that bush was the one that is trying to do it. I just hate it when people don't get their facts straight before they try and argue things, it just makes them look stupid. poker is a fun little game. I wish I could play it more often. trying to read people, and make decisions based on their actions and words. I wish I could find a girlfriend. there are many beautiful girls down here, but I don't know about some of them. there was this awesome beautiful girl at home, but I don't really know what happened there, I guess that goes back to understand what is going on in a woman's brain. I realized 20 minutes is a lot longer than you think it is, or maybe it is just appearing to be longer because I am thinking about how long it is, or I'm not doing an activity I find to be exciting. figuring a person out by the music they listen to is a fun activity. its hard because some people listen to all types of music. coffee is a life saver, going to sleep at 4 or5 then having class at 8 the next morning is not fun, I'm surprised I woke up for it. I missed class the other day when I slept through it and it was at 12. that's just strange, getting up at the 8 one, but oversleeping the 12. I wonder what the real world has in store for me, no more school and someone there to help. but as one professor I met said, remember these days, these are heaven. because after school you are going into hell. which I would agree with although I haven't experienced life after school, but I think it will be hell.

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17

So twenty minutes? I'll probably finish at 12:40 and then oh that guy is wearing a blue god its hot she has really black hair and this room is really hot it's funny how I keep repeating the same thing over again I don't know what to right Lakamini was in chemistry class today I feel bloated and stupid for writing that on my assignment Monday I am going to have to go to cardio and weight training and I don't want too my hands are getting sweaty and I'm not sure if that's how you spell sweaty but this gum is really getting hard and I feel bad for chewing so much gum gosh I can't believe it took me like four times to spell out gum I wonder how many minutes I have left I don't want to look up at the time because then the time will go by slower so I really need to practice more on my typing I make to many mistakes and then it makes me frustrated see I wonder what my mom and eric and dad and chito are doing I think my mom is going to make chito some pasta which Eric really likes and I forgot to capitalize is that how you spell capitalize well I forgot to capitalize the other names I'll just do it when I am finished if I can because I don't know if the computer is just going to shut off should I keep pressing the cap lock key when I don't even need it maybe I'll go by Wendy's and get a salad but this gum reminds me of Mexico It's only been seven minutes and why did I capitalize the I in its should I put a comma the person reading this is going to think I am stupid why did I do that why did I need to stop making so many mistakes my legs are so sore and the my vision is starting to blur kind of probably because I was in the sun then I came inside why am I putting periods at the end of a word it's not like it I'm tired after this I will email meghan oh who cares if I don't capitalize her name yeah only nine more minutes to go good because my arms or whatever they are called are starting to stick to the I can see my nose my arms are so sore from all those push ups these chairs are really comfortable that guy looks like some guy from san antonio I wish I had clear skin again without holes but I keep going to the stupid doctor and they all tell me the same thing and I am so tired I just wish somebody I keep uncapitalizing the I how do I put little commas around the I oh well I only have five more minutes but so many girls here have I should sit up this computer is really nice I could put it in my room I don't think I am going to wow our brains do do a lot of thinking that's probably why my head hurt sometimes from all the thinking or probably I am wrong three more minutes that ola organization was good but I felt like I was in the youth group because all they did was talk spanish daniel is going to get mad at me because I didn't call him after class we'll probably go watch cabin fever it is supposed to come out today I wonder if it will be good my finger s are all jumping around the wrist is hurting from all the one more minute to type I don't god I can't type I haven't typed what did I just do my toe itches but should I keep typing for more I guess it would look good or maybe not because whoever is going to read these I am sure doesn't want them to be that long that way I wonder how much longer I have been typing for probably only one minute but I am going to stop now because I have to go to class in about fifteen minutes.

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24

It seems weird that Linda is in the same philosophy class as me since we both live in the same neighborhood back in Houston, even though we have never really met each tother before. She says she is planning to bvisit houston quite often, but I don;t think I will as often as her. Its not because I don't want to go home, but its partly that I feel independent here even though not monetarily. Also, I would like to get the chance to vistit austin and get to know m y surrounding before going back to the norm and comfortableness of my true home; austin is my new temporary home. Mike said he missed home the very first day; I don;t think I really miss home that much, maybe because of the contradictory or hyppocritical views I sometimes have of things in houston. I wonder if my schedule conflict involving ba101 will be settled with out further conflict; I can't afford to miss psychology atfor ba101 once a month, yet I cannot afford to lose sight of ba101. Hopefully, this Dan or brian character will be able to sufficinetly change my course schedule since tex won't allow me to do it any more. It seems that I got a lot to do today, yet at the moment it doens't seem as anything is concrete, expect some homework arbitrarily. Its only been 5 minutes and its seems as though I have been typing at leat twice that long. I wonder how my mind will wonder to the next stream of unconsciousness. Philosophy seems to be an interesting class even though the reading is quite strenuous. Socrates must have been the master at breaking people's arguments; he would have been a great attorney or lawyer. Which reminds me, what exactly is the difference between a lawyer and an attorney? Perhaps its in how they represent people or their specific type or level of education concerning the law. The damn ethernet guy better at least give me a ring and try to help me fix the connection that was working until last thursday or so, I have called and left a message three times already and no response. Does he live in Dobie or just has a similar prefix to his phone #. Once I get the ethernet working, I won't have to come here to this computer lab and worrying abut forgetting to tyupe in my IF account #. Almost all the peoplke I have talked ot about this labor day weekend have said they will be travelling back to home; most of my friends are those from my high school, we probably are at least 55 people representing cy falls. I would like to play a pick up game with Gabe and see how much he has improved since the days he was with theh cypress falls basketball program. I bet jimmy is trying to get accustomed to his new surroundings at that junior college, which I can't recall the name to. Mike's sister basically got the dusch from that jeff punk, I don';t think I would have confessed seeing another woman unless she was going to find out regardless; better from me than from a stranger. Unlike the infamous Zoi situation, Only five more minutes until I can check my mail; hopefully, somebody that is not attending UT will have written me to see how everything is going or the Panhellenic council will have finally decided to start their opening meeting. How many Greeks, true Greeks/ Hellenas , not fraternity or soririty people, are amognst me at UT. Maybe I will meet some good looking girls. I knew it was Candice as soon as I saw at the BIC meeting; haven't seen her since the days at TGHP. ITs weird that she knows Amber, the girl I kind of hooked up with at one fo the Turkeyballs in 95, so long ago. Its alomsst time and I just read the click once to submit button while awaiting the time to log off this thing. Only a few more minutes ; my wrist are beginning to sweat opn this uncomfortable keyboard. I keep wanting to type with my left ring finger because it feels liek it needs to be streched or so. Time.

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Um. well I don't know where to start. This is extremely weird and I feel like I am just going to start rambling on and on. I think I'm thinking too hard for this little assignment and it's driving me crazy I guess I'll just go off on tangents and type away. I am so bored out of my mind and everyone around me right now is talking about being hungry and going to get something to eat. I shouldn't have eaten that can of soup and should have waited and gone some place good wit my friends. What am I thinking what am I thinking about. This is so much harder than I though. I thought things were just going to flow and I'm sure that they usually do but since I'm concentrating so much things are flowing like they usually do. I'm so stressed out right now. For some reason I feel like I have a world of things to do, do I? Well I know that when I think to hard about all the things I have to do it seems like I'm never going to finish doing what I have to do. In the long run though things seem to work and yeah I'm not going to freak out. I think right now I'm going to go back to my apartment and plan out exactly what I have to do for the rest of the day then get a pen and just scratch out as I go along. I know that I'll fall asleep though. I've been so lazy lately. I think I should start running to get my blood flowing but I know myself and it'll never last. Well who knows we'll see what happens, I could just go home and clean the apartment that would be a good work out. I think I'm thinking too much about unimportant things I guess who cares I'm just going to do whatever I want to do as things come to my mind and I'm not going to force myself into jogging around and sweating then never wanted to run again. Holy cow! This is not fun at all I'm running out of thoughts and this is just becoming words jumbled on to a paper. I wonder if I'm suppose to have paragraphs and stuff oh well too bad. Is this suppose to be something important or say something about myself. If it wasn't for having to type this my day would be complete I could take a nice long nap without having to worry about getting this out on time! Ugh! Okay I wish I could just live in Austin and not go to school. I wonder what I'm going to do tonight? Nothing is fun anymore it's always all the same stuff. Um well jayne and them are coming in from San Antonio so we'll see what happens. This movie is so cheap I laugh at the stupid parts even though they make no sense what so ever. What a mess what a mess. Ugh I need to clean up my home today so bad I don't want to! I clean up and two seconds later it's a mess all over again. Okay well I'm thinking my time should be up. Is it up yet. Yes two minutes and them I'm done. I'm starving all of a sudden. I'm so frustrated with this whole thinking process It's just a mess I hope we don't have to do this all the time. I think I'm going to be disappointed when I read back on this. I'm going to see that not one productive thought runs through my mind in 20 minutes. That is so pathetic. I wonder what would happen if I didn't have to do this and I started jotting down my thoughts. Okay time is up.

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So school has been interesting so far. I've come into this with preconceived notions of what it was going to be like, and I've surprised myself to find that it would be completely different. At the time, I have become increasingly known by a nickname that wasn't even self imposed, I've created a superficial personality that people associate with and attach themselves to. People love "dat Boi Tony" but hey. I guess I'm not too mad about it. it's good in the end, in some ways, and in some ways not. like for example, if I want people to know who I am, then they really do know who I am, and the introductory part of conversation is out of the way, but on the other hand, since people think they know who I am they won't bother to finish out the conversation and actually get to know who I am. really who am I anyway? can it be defined by a label or name? does it matter if I am Anthony Derrell Williams, Tony, or Dat Boi Tony. because some people can remember my name at all. I guess in some facets it really is irrelevant, but nobody really wants to be considered irrelevant. lol. it's like significance drives us, like a since of purpose, much like Agent Smith from the Matrix, but that movie was flawed in itself. It had no purpose. It started out as a great action flick that wanted to mean something in the end, but that just didn't work. However Quentin Tarentino, did it right when I he made Kill Bill, it was a simple plot with a unique character development, and that was the important part. many people thought that it was the action, but it truly was the characters that made the movie. that's why vol. 2 is better than vol. 1, no matter what the next person tells you. sure vol. 1 was composed of the best action sequences since the old Bruce Lee days (who is still better than Jackie Chan and Jet Li), but the story itself is what should draw you. on another note, a friend of mine has been dealing with several issues and decided he would post his thoughts and troubles on the internet for everybody to see, and now he's getting chewed out by a lot of people because nobody really has it in their hearts to really care. The problem here really is that he thinks he is opening his mind, but he really has closed the port and he has yet to mature. he can't take in new ideas or criticisms to better himself, the thinks he is fine as who he is. Emo SUX though. I had no formulated opinion about it until I seen what it is doing to him. he needs help. for real. the funniest part about it, is that my friend ended his cruel convo with him by quoting Nietzsche. "God is Dead. " which is a very interesting quote. a statement made just to test the bounds of control that the state held on the people thought their interpretation of religion. if the person blindly tries to refute the statement without the use of reason. they are a tool, if they inject reason and use logic to prove why God is alive. then they are less of one. the point is, that the religious texts, such as the Koran, the Bible, etc. were written by man (inspired by God), which means they are subject to flaws. inherently and maybe intentionally, if you could tell the people "thus said the lord" and you didn't want them to kill or steal or eat shellfish. then that's what you'd tell them. after all some people read from texts translated by Shakespeare. but I digress. I as a Christian would only have this much to say in return. if God is dead then that is irrefutable evidence to the fact that he existed. And if he truly is God and did exist, Death has no binding power. defining death would then become the point and focus of reason and logic. What is death, what is death to a man, what is death to a beast, what is death to a god. And then I would say. yes, God in the form of man (Jesus) did die, for you and I. there's always a way to explain something in the logical realm, however some people are too closed minded to see even that. Sometimes, philosophy, even pomo philosophy, can be used to solidify faith because it makes somebody question themselves and why the believe what they believe. and if the answers to the self examination are satisfactory. that persons faith has become that much stronger. Well. yester I went to a labor day cookout. and there were some fine ladies there. You never notice how good somebody looks until they try to look good for you. that's the funny part about it all, I don't try that hard enough. I just wonder what other people's perception is of me. could I have had a chance with any of those girls, probably, but not likely. and this is where my reckoning begins. what are these girls looking for. attention? relationships? or just good sex? I could provide them with all 3, but hey there's only a small amount of me to go around. all jokes aside, with the truth being told, I really think attention is the centric thing that girls want. how they translate different actions to be attention is a different story, because girls are all so different. but all so much the same when the picture is generalized and magnified to show detail. and I like to look at detail. that's why I think I might be staying single for a while. even as hard as that is in a place like UT Austin.

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When I think about what I'm thinking, a void pops up. I guess because the brain never really stops, it's hard to pinpoint an exact thought in any moment. I can recall past topics that have rambled through my mind however, so that's what I'll dicuss. A topic that's popluar in my brain is my boyfriend (surprising right?) I think about how happy I am in our relationship and how much of a good friend and boyfriend he is. He goes to college at Trinity University, which is in my hometown of San Antonio. We see eachother nearly every weekend, so it's not hard to sustain the relationship. Though, I constantly wonder if he really does care about me. He tells me that he does, and I know that he does, but I'm really insecure about that issue. My insecurity on that issue stems from my past relationship where my then boyfriend would tell me that he cared about me, but ended the relationship somewhat abruptly without any sign or signal. That's probably why I worry so much about it. However, I am really happy in my relationship. I have no complaints except for my own lack of security. On another topic, I have my first test this Thursday. I'm a little scared, but I think that I'll be fine. I pretty much know the material, but I still need to go over and over it to get it down. I don't think I'll have a problem with it. At least I hope that I do well. I feel exahsted thinking about all the studying I have to do for my upcoming tests. I have a chemistry test next week. I don't know how to do converstions without a table telling me what every measurement is. But I guess that I'm going to need to memorize that sort of stuff so I do well. It's so imperitive that I do well in college because I have plans to go to medical school after I graduate. I don't know what else I would do with my life if I didn't get into medical school. I have developed some back up plans if you will in case something should happen. I could be a teacher if medical school doesn't work out. The pay isn't that great but the job seems pretty alright. I would enjoy some sort of FBI/CIA type of work also. I need something that's going to make me constantly think. Though I hate studying, as every student does, keeping my mind on the go is something I love. I think that's why I played soccer all my life. Soccer is a game of constant thinking. There is no stopping in soccer. There are no time outs, so you can't stop to regroup. You have to be on your toes and know your stuff to be a good soccer player. I wish I was still playing soccer. I really miss it. I stopped playing after my last high school season a few months back. I feel sort of empty without it. It was such a big part of my life for so long. I think I'm going to attempt to walk on next year to the UT soccer team. It's really hard to do that though. The team is extremely competative. Though, I think after I talk to my coaches back home, maybe they can help. My main concern at the moment is doing well in school. I really need to buckle down and study. I study everyday, but I need to do it more I think. Maybe I'm just stressing about my upcoming tests. I'm scared about my chemistry test. Though, I think with the right amount memorization of some problems along with some other material, that I'll be fine. I need to start preparing for my biology test tomorrow. The test is Thursday, so I have 2 days to get in all the information. I feel tired right now. I wish I had came back to Austin earlier so I would've started on my work earlier. Well, tomorrow's another day, so I guess I'll just do a lot of studying tomorrow. There's no sense in doing it right this second when I'm not feeling to good and when I'm tired. My main priority is studying for my biology test Thursday. I need to go over the old exam she gave to us. My boyfriend just called me, but I had to tell him that I would call him back so I could finish this writing assignment. I really hope I do well on my test Thursday. If I did well, I would be so happy. That would mean that I actually liked my major and that I could retain the information pertaining to it. I want to call my boyfriend back after this, but my roommate "can't consontrait" with my talking, so I guess I'll go outside. Though, she's talked many a times with her boyfriend while I was reading. Oh well, maybe I'm a little more respectful.

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ok im not used to this whole typing stream of conciousness stuff. . but i am listening to the green day cd rite now. doookie. its a good cd. but i also smell this crappy banana smell because i broke a pop ice stick thingie. it REEKS in here. i hope i don't have to use correct grammar and punctuation. . cuz i feel that that is a waste of time. thats so funny to say that twice. im weird like that. i wonder who's reading this. because its ok. . im just QUIRKY. anyways. my roommate and i went to yoga last nite. it was rather boring. for exercise i need power and movement and upbeat music and stuff. no more yoga. the stretching aspect of it is interesting. but then id rather take a power stretch class for exercise. wow that is a hard word to spell. . did u notice that i am a really slow typer???. . yes this will b a short one to read. my roommate is about to start praying, so we had to turn the music off. but i dislike silence. . but a girls got to do wut a girl's got to do. yes so im starting to run out of things to say and its only been three minutes. . this is how vapid i am. i will write about how i am liking the college experience. its rather interesting. i wonder if im allowed to cuss. i think i will but i will stay away from the f word. is that ok with u?. . it better b. any how, yes the reason that im loving college life is that im away from my mother. . o boy this is getting me started all rite. its really dusty in here. my roommate is standing over my shoulder not praying tisk tisk. ok back to my mother. yeah she called me yesterday to bitch at me about my cell phone minutes and my credit card. . u know. . i told her i needed more minutes of my cell phone would b my only phone while im here. but nooooo 60 minutes for a whole month during the wkdays is just sposed to b ok for her i guess. . but then I've already been over 30 mins and its only half way through the month. so she changed it. . FINALLY. this should work out much much better. and then she sed i shouldn't eat lunch or some nonsense. . i guess talking to her frustrates me because for some reason i always start crying when she lectures me. . i have NO CLUE WHY. but that really freaked out my roommate. . shes never seen me like that before. but its ok she was really cool about it and there are more to come she she better get used to it. . this is nice that i live with her. yes. . so the dust is really getting to me, im choking up hairballs all over the place. i went to my RA but she wasn't there, and the front desk said that we have to go downstairs to fill out a maintenance request form. we'll do that when we go have dinner. dinner here at dobie really isnt worth the amount that we pay to stay here. its decent. . but i expected better. my hands are starting to hurt now. I've never typed this much straight before. this better b good for my forearms. damn man. i need to go back to the gym my roommate is done praying now i bet she's looking over my shoulder. . she's such an eavesdropper!!!!! dude. . ok now i pisseed her off. . hehe jk jk. . she really really wanted to do this assignement with me even tho shes not in psych. its really interseting to her. but it is to me too!!. . i really like this class. . ok. . this sounds like total sucking up. but don't worry i hate sucking up. . im totally honest. . it gets me into trouble sometimes. . i don't know who im sposed to b typing to or if im not sposed to b talking to someone at all. . well its ok. . its stream of conciousness rite?. rite!! i could go for some starbucks rite now!!. . i love that place. . i think with all the exercise i get from the walkin all over this freaking campus balances with the junk i eat. . but i think that for a college student. . i eat pretty healthily. like i eat fruit and bananas and i love milk. . ok i know no one cares. any how. . back to being homesick. the only thing i miss is the familiarity and the friends. but this will change. . austin is steadily becoming more familiar to me and my friends arenot at home anyway. . they all go to other schools. u know. . i really like how i have a movie theatre downstairs from my dorm. i want to see one hour photo with robin williams and michael vartan . just fyi to whoever is reading this I LOVE MICHAEL VARTAN AND I LOVE ALIAS. alias is this wonderful spy tv show that is on sundays. . its the best show ever. . smartly written good casting. good music. some things tend to b a bit unbelievable but hey its tv wut can i say???. . yeah im typing just like i would b if i were chatting online. . so pardon the weird spelling or abbreviations or puncuation. DEAL with IT!!! hahaha jk jk. ok. . im running out of things to say again. . hmmm. i want some water. . and the banana smelll is now gone. . but then. . i havne't been over to the sink in a bit. ok. . my roommie is doing the dishes. . its BOUT TIME!!. . uh oh. . some one is iming me. . o well. . i like this better its more fun. . hehehe. . its like the whole world is listening to me. poetic moment!!!. . im really not that deep of a person. . it occupies too much time. . but i see that i have approximatly 4 mins left. duuude the room smells now. . she just threw away this chicken stuff thats been inthe fridge for over a wk!!. . it reeks more than the banana. i hate bananas. . esp the flavor like in candy. but i do eat it for breakfast because theyre filling and healthy and cheap to buy. . duuude my mom gave me a frikkin BUDGET but not a reasonable one!!. ten bucks a wk. . how much does that suck. . damn man. i think i can do it. . i really don't buy that much stuff. . im pretty stingy myself. . and im not allowed to use my cell phone nemore. . unless its a wkend!!. . for TWO WHOLE WKS!!!. . thats going to kill me. . i need commmunication with others. . makes me human rite??. rite. . i really wish alias premiered sooner. . i really want to see wut happens. . that was one hell of a cliffhanger last season. . boy o boy vaughn is hot!!. . eys im not ath bad sorry. . i have one more minute left. . lets just say its been fun. . and ummm. . the class sounds interesting and pennebaker (sp?) is hilarious. . ok. ill b back in class on wed to make my final opinion!!. yes yes. . arms tired. . no place to rest. uuuuh. . . 15 secs. errrg. . sillyme trix are for kids.

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I just ate brisket, rice and kimchi. It is a very odd mixture but it was really good. I can still smell the barbecue sause and taste the sause on the corners of my mouth. I can't believe how much things I want to accomplish this semester and everything seems to go slow. It is difficult making friends because I'm not used to ssing so many students in one class, and everything time i have a ifferent group of people I sit with. I feel lonely and a little bit frustrated sense I am not really sure what would make me feel alittle better. It is Friday and it seems like it is the weekend, it is a bit odd because i am not in school or in class. A few minutes ago I came back from Barnes and Nobles, and I attempted to study Biology, Chemistry and alittle bit for this class but I only managed to study for Biology. Mitosis, what an interesting process. It is still boring because I know all this material from high school. I get so bored of learning the old material over and over again. However, this chapter did continue on with the enzymes and other chemical components it needed. I am so tired right now. I had a very nice sleep, maybe a little over eight hours but I am so tired. I kind of dozed off at BN, and I stopped reading. Instead I picked up a Harry Potter book I haven't been able to read and started to read it. I think I wasted more time reading that book than reading one chapter in biology. I got into that book quite quickly and I wasn't able to put it down. I started to have a headache and I got hungry. i don't have a headache anymore. Gee. it's only seven minutes and i have about thirteen minutes left. How come everytime i stop counting or timing i end at the number thirteen? thirteen hours of classes, thirteen minutes left, thirteen this and thirteen that. My goodness, I must have tons of bad luck. Or. is this my lucky number? haha, that would be very interesting. I feel quite happy right now I am still remember the events that occured last night. I can still here the the drums vibrating off the speakers and the guitars and the singers that I can barely hear. Frequency. It was pretty nice for the first one I went to. It was so humid and I felt so sticky. Gross. I dont' know what I am thinking right now. My train of thought seems to be discombobulated. I always go to one subject to the next. It seems that everyone does that, but it is weird. Even when I talk to many people, I digress off the subject. I can not believe I am typing for twenty minutes. I've done this before, but I had to hand write it out. The good thing about hand writing is that it takes a longer time and you don't have to constantly think or what you are thinking next. My eyes are feeling alittle droopy now. Should I close my eyes and type? haha. . okay I will do that. i might start falling asleep if i do this. Maybe I should open my eyes again. Okay, well, I wonder if grammar and punctuation and capitalization really matters in this writing assignment. What a coincidence. . it's been THIRTEEN minutes again. Why do I do this to myself. My hands are feeling a little numb from typing this, but my palms haven't become sweating, but my fingers feel weird. Maybe it is because of the rubber band aroiund my wrist, is must be cutting off circulation. I am thinking right now that I won't be able to quit. I just heard my brother's alarm on his watch. My brother is still in highschool, I wonder how much torture he's going through. I hated US history in highschool, and now my brother is taking it. It's not that I hated the content, I didn't like the teacher. She was so evil. The clock rang that it is three-o'clock. My AIM had shut the door telling me that someone went offline. Wow, I am still going on. three more minutes left. My neck is hurtingn and I want to quit. I think this assignment is so long. I want to take a break, but I dont' think I will be able to. i think i am typing faster than i was in the beginning. I want this writing assignment to be over now. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW! I am just babbling out. I am looking at the xperiment record sheet for psychology. Wow, five hours? YES one more minute left to do this. should I count down? I want this to be over now. I wish it was over not. why almost thirty more seconds. I am so impatient now. very impatient. VERY VERY impatient. Almost done ten more five seconds. look like it is over.

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I mean, really I do. Only draw back is it makes for fairly lousy formal papers. I really ought to put my desk together. Then I wouldn't have to type on the floor. Hey, a castle! Groovy! I'm not sure if this should be a dialogue with a nonexistant reader, but that's how I'm going to treat it. That's what my last regular stream of consciousness writing was. In 12th grade I took a theory of knowledge course for which we were supposed to keep a journal. At one point, I digressed on the memory of a goldfish which is about 3 seconds. Therefore, every time they swim around in their little bowls, they see a whole new world. Hence, Hey! A castle! Groovey! I've got to get my Relafin refilled. Them maybe I won't spend do much time fantasizing about setting my leg on fire. And we always thought my brother was the pyro . . I really want a new modem. Rephrase, I want a faster modem. I keep getting a java script alert when I try to do the pretesting, so I thought it might be my version of Netscape. So obviously, I decided to down load a newer version. That was about an hour and a half ago. I'm still downloading. ah, ethernet. Your sweet siren call beckons me away from independet living towards a dorm. Oh wait. I would NEVER get housing. No, I'm not bitter. No, UT didn't send back my housing application because I'd sent too much money. No I wasn't over 800 on the waiting list for housig. Grumble. Really, it doesn't bother me. Shoot. Another fifteen minutes. My brother's girlfriend is online. Back to my previous thought. I'm still not quite adjusted to being back in the US. First, I lose all energy and appetite every time I go outside. I don't deal well tith humidity and heat to begin with, and moving from six weeks of 60-70 degree weather straight into Austin in August, well, it's not pretty. Also, every once in a while I'm confused as to which side of the street the cars will be coming from. The one time I crossed the street right after I got back, I reached the middle of the road and was SO confused. Why does my neck hurt?! For some reason, I don't feel a need to rip it off and set it on fire, but I'm definitly considering doind it to my hip. Hmm, someone else is online. I'm going to check. Nope, just the program making noise. I REALLY don't get along with this computer. I have a better relationship with my hip. Stupid computer. No,no, it's not the computer's fault. At least not entirely. I still haven't forgiven it for trying to tell me I had no modem. And preventing me from getting into Windows for a week. Oh. And fo not letting me run any DOS program written after 1988. Ooh Baby. Seven miutes. Bloody "n" key keeps sticking. Ah well. I wish I didn't have to type this. Writting or typing cannot keep up with my jumble of thoughts. In the time it took to write that sentence I flashed to my philosophy study groupo, and this sentence saw the thought about the Romans in Winchester. "We don't like the river where it is. Okay, we'll just move it then. " I wonder how upset they were to not be able to build Hadrian's wall in a perfect straight line. Poor dears. I should not find the Romans amusing. Oh well. Hey! A castle! Groovey! I'll type for another four minutes or so. My neck really hurts. I still don't want to set it on fire, though. Gee. all my sentences have "I" in them. We're certainly being egocentric this evening. Me, me, me. That was a joke. Poor and only for my benefit. All right. I'm finished with this exercise. Good night, so long, TTFN, and Cheers!

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Right now it id 9:30 in the morning and I wish that I was still asleep. I had a Biology discussion this morning and it was really boring. I don't really understand what goes on in that class. Science isn't my best subject, but I guess I am going to have to improve that because my major is mainly based on that. And if I don't do well in those classes, I can't get accepted into upper divison. I'm not sure. I have been thinking about changing out of nursing because I really want to dance but I just don't think that there is a living in that profession. But at least I would really enjoy it. I wish I were more like my bestfriend in that aspect. He does what he wants because he wants to do it. He isn't worried about his future and I know that's kind of bad, but he really loves what he does. And he is good at it. I just don't seem to be good at much of anything and school just worries me. I wish I could push myself more, but I just don't have the motivation. I try at least. My classes are really hard and I am worried about doing well in them. This is my first time to be away from home and I want to prove to everyone that I am not as incapable as everyone thinks that I am. My own boyfriend doesn't really have faith in me. He thinks that I can't hold my own and that I have to depend on everyone else to help me through what I do. And maybe in some aspects that is true. I have had a difficult time just being myslef. I feel like people don't want to talk to me, or that what I say isn't as important as the next person. Enough about my problems though, right? Today I am going to get a tattoo. I have always wanted one and I have never had the nerve to go and get one. I think it is going to hurt really bad but I think that I am finally ready for one. I have been looking at what kind I want and printed some out off the computer. I hope that they can do the one that I want. I guess I am just going to have to wait and see what happens with that. Today I have 3 classes left to go to. This being one of them. I have a hard time paying attention in this Psychology class. I just can't seem to get interested in it for a complete hour and a half. All of my other classes are just 50 minutes and it seems easier to pay attention in them. But I added this class so 3:30 was the only time that was left open. I had to take it. Thinking about school, I am going to go home and take summer school at SFA. I feel that if I can get some credtis there and transfer them here that it might take some of the load off for next year. I already came with 6 hours but that isn't very many. I am really determined to get into upper division nursing after 2 years. I don't know what I will do if I don't. I guess I will just transfer back home and go to school there if I can't get in here. But I really want to prove that I can get in here. I am trying really hard in my classes, but it just doesn't seem to be doing me any good. I read what I am supposed to and work the problems, but I just can't seem to learn the material. I'm not taking any dance classes right now which is really ackward for me. I have never gone a year without dancing. Last year I was dancing 4-6 hours every week day and this is just strange. I don't excerise in any other way than that so I am starting to feel out of shape. Dancing was my way to let everything out. I wasn't always as good as I wish that I could be, but it was a way for me to prove to people that I was good at something. Here I can't do that. I am just another person walking down the side walk. At home, in such a small town, everyone knew who I was. And here I think I know about 20 people at the most. None of my friends came here so it isn't like I really have a relase. I am going to go home this weekend, and I know it is kind of soon, but I really miss my boyfriend. Maybe I am just not cut out for this large college atmosphere. It might be best if I go home, I know mom and dad would like that a lot more. But I am tired of doing everything for my parents. I never did anything in high school for myself. Mom and I got into arguments all the time and it seemed like my whole life I was just trying to prove myself to her. She treated me like a child even last year, like I was still 12 and couldn't take care of myself. Being an only child I was smothered by my parents and grandparents. I don't know. It was nice getting what I always wanted, but sometimes I wished that there was someone else there to put the blame on. It's hard to handle everything that went on in my family. Someone once told me to write down what bothered you and it would make you understand better about what was going on and how to fix it. It doesn't work. Besides, I get tired of writing all of that down. I am super duper hungry right now butI don't want to eat because I am really afraid of the freshman 15. I haven't been eating well lately. I won't eat most of the time, but then it seems like when I actually do eat, it isn't anything healthy. The only good we have in our room is gronola bars and froot loops. Like that is healthy. At least I have been drinking a lot of water. Well, my time to write is almost up. Thank God because I am really getting tired sitting here and doing this. Also, I have a class in 15 minutes and I really need to leave and go there. So, I guess I have a couple more of these things to do during the rest of the semester. Fun fun fun, I can't wait.

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Okay here it goes. I am freezing in this computer lab doing this project that no one will ever read but, hey, I don't want to be negative. Let's start with something else. I want to start over already. I do that every time. Just like when I am about to serve a volleyball, I always get stuck for some reason and have to start over. it is like I don't trust what I am about to do. All I can really think of right now is how the professor, I don't even know his name, was talking about thinking about my Dog. Oh yea, Pennebaker. I am not really thinking anything at all now. this really makes this assignment difficult. I know that I’m not spelling any of these words right. My hands are so tired, I’m sure why. This reminds me of when I was a little girl, and I would lay in bed at night and try to see if I could think nothing. But I would always seem to be thinking two thoughts at a time. I would be thinking I'm thinking nothing, I'm thinking nothing" and at the same time, I would be singing a song in my head or something. I don't see how this project can work really. It seems like I have so many thoughts per second, that by the time I write down one thought, so many are missed that you don't get and accurate stream of consciousness. Some bell just went off. I thought it might a fire alarm but it's not. I don't think it would matter if it was, no one seemed to care. I always think about thoughts people have while they are one stage. And dreams. my friend Amber, her mom owns this weird new age shop where they have a lot of drean stuff. There is this woman that will tell you your future. Just like when I was working in New York, John, my boss, went to a psychic and I always think about this woman who's eyes are green like she is possessed or something. I thought john was really dumb to go to those things. He also did cocaine, man he was really messed up. I wish I would not have stayed at that job as long as I did. I wonder why there are some people like John, then there are some people that have a head on their shoulders. I guess I'm going to being learning about that in psychology. I hope my little brother makes it into this school next year, Mom and Dad say that his grades aren’t good enough. That sort of breaks my heart. I wonder how in the world I can really write down my thoughts when half the time, I don't even know what I’m thinking. It seems like the thoughts overlap some times. I can't wait till the results of the audition go up today. This assignment is funny, I bet a bunch of people come in here and write on this thing like it's a diary or something then someone out there reads it and tired man I'm tired 5 o’clock this morning I am just pushing buttons helping some guy out there make an experiment I am not even looking at the screen haven't been this whole time really I like pressing the space bar this makes me so self conscience because I am having the stupidest thoughts my eyelids are closing I don't want to go to lunch with that girl today she is so young my head id getting heavy this is funny like a dramatic comedy I guess I think in theatre terms a lot, huh I also think about my dad right now when I was growing up I can't remember when I started this thing but I think in a few minutes I will be done red headband cold on my arms nothing to do until noon sound of the computer next to me typing of the keys this chair hurts my back every time I push it up it falls down I brought an extra pad today oh, if that guy reads this I hope he don't get grossed out by that part. I love finding out about god. that sky was so beautiful sun big whole when I get sleepy, no one can understand me. big guy to my left sound again cut thoughts I just erased something I wrote down I ruined the experiment sounds off flipping pages that's it twenty

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12

I'm not so sure how I felt about it yet. Not that it was bad or anything, but I'm just not sure how the questions asked could lead to a better understanding of an individual. It seemed to me that questions that were asked only dealt with a couple of issues. Mostly gender, weight, and scared issues. But than again, I guess the experiments that I did this for will probably deal with those issues. I really don't know why I tried to do that survey right when I got up this morning, I just about fell asleep on the keyboard, but that's alright, I finally got through it. after it frizzed up on me 4 times. That was a little frustrating. There is something else that's really bothering me right now also. Nothing to do with school, but socially. I live in California, and hate to say it, but I am a pretty stereotypical Californian kid. I mention this because I have this burning passion for the ocean. Even most people who live in California don't feel as deeply about it as I do. I knew it was going to be hard to leave the ocean when I came to school, but I didn't want to shut myself off from new opportunities and experiences by staying close to the water. Well anyway, I really miss the ocean. Every night I try to picture the crashing waves, and feel the cool mist on an earl morning. When I walk to class I even feel it in my feet and legs. Just on their own my legs begin to surf. The same muscle motions, I guess they call it muscle memory. I can feel myself cutting up the face of a racing wave and slashing the hell out of the lip. Or just grabbing the rail of my board on a meaty left, stalling, and hear the swirl of the water and air in the tube. That's all I live for. or lived for. Texas seems to have stopped my love for a little while. No I take that back, nothing can stop my love for it, I guess Texas just got in the way for a little while. That's where my problem comes up socially. I now realize that if you're not in California, or any beach community for that matter, people just don't understand. I feel like people just view me as some tan kid that dresses a little funny, and claims he does this thing called surfing. Like I said, the perfect stereotype. I guess I wouldn't mind being a poster boy, if kids just knew how I felt. How the ocean just pulls you in, and won't let go. It's a way of life, not just a social activity. It's a culture, and it's become who I am. Not just surfing. I love it but that is only one small facet of why I love the ocean. I just fall asleep every night dreaming of all the good times I've had there. Whether it be piling into one of my friends cars at 600 in the morning for a dawn patrol session without anybody else in the water. Skateboarding down the boardwalk, trying to race the waves as they peel away. Just sitting on the sand with my good friends, talking about anything and everything at the same time. or going there alone, at night to just erase all the thoughts and bad things that happened that day, week, month , or even year. The ocean can do all of that. But people don't seem to realize that. I love Texas, well I don't know if I love Texas. but I definitely love UT, it's just that I have to sacrifice so much more that I realized that I would have to do. I came here and had to leave the biggest, most passionate part of me back home. That's hard for anyone to do regardless of what it might be. It's not that I feel like I'm viewed as an outsider here. more of a novelty, or attraction actually. But I just wish people would have the same opportunities as I did, or have. I want them to fall in love as I did. But that's impossible if you stay in Texas for a lifetime. Come to think of it, I really haven't even talked to many of my friends from back home, I think I'm going to do that today. I've been so focused on making a home for myself here, that I lost sight of the one back in SD. I'm going to make a promise to myself that I will never lose touch of what I left back home, or the people that I left. Just tuck them away as memories, fond memories as I continue to grow, and add to those memories here.

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14

Every class seems like it has so much extra work, I feel like I will never have any free time. Other than the work though, I love college compared to high school. I love the freedom I have and even the new responsibilities. Right now everything is still fun, I'm sure though that I will get sick of cooking, cleaning,ironing, and doing everything else by myself pretty soon. I already miss my parents a little and my little sister very much. I can't wait to see her. I feel really bad though, because I promised her that I would come home and see her in two weeks, but I don't think I am going to be able to see her for another week. My mom said she was so excited that I was coming home. She just started second grade and I wish I could have been there to see her. It really sucks that I have to leave her, I feel like we may not be as close anymore if I don't see her as much. She used to beg me every night to sleep in my bed with me and at the time it was kind of a pain, but I really miss it now. I also really miss my boyfriend who is also back in Dallas. He came down last weekend, but I don't think I'll get to see him for another week either. He is really taking me going off to college really good. I figured he would be mad at me all the time for hanging out with other guys and stuff, but he has been really cool about it. At first he got really jealous, but we talked about it and now he is completly understanding. I really hope we make it through the year and mabey he can move down here next year! That would be perfect. Ilive with my best friend so at least I have her here. I think it would be really hard to go to such a big place like UT and not know anybody. people do it all the time ,but I think that I would get really depressed if now one I knew and trusted was down here. I really love it down here. Austin is a really awesome town, it has everything! It is really different from Midlothian, which is where I come from. It is a small town 30 miles south of Dallas. We only have about two stop lights and mabey three fast food places. I think its really great though that I am getting the chance to live in a really small town and a reall big town too.

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8

It smells really good in my apartment. My roommate's girlfriend is making chicken and I'm cooking out. I love Monday night football. Its on tonight. it is Thursday night but this is the opening game but abc is covering the game. watching football is putting me in a good mood. I am in the process of cooking out on the grill. I'm really tired right now but I have a test tomorrow. last night I had like three hockey games. on real game and then the school team, we had practice. we got a new dog and it sometimes keeps me up at night. he is a jack russel terrier and his name is miller. the washing machine is going and it is really loud. just like the dishwasher. the patriots are winning now they just kicked a field goal. my girlfriend is doing her homework over in the dining room. I wonder what she is working on. the dishwasher stopped and now it is quiet in here. john madden annoys me. I'm not really watching the game because I'm doing this but I hear him commenting on the game. all he does is state the obvious. I don't need to hear him tell me what I just saw. I can believe he gets paid. I hope I get a good job like that were I get paid very well and the job can be fun. it just got really hot in my apartment really fast. I need to turn down the thermostat. I don't want to study tonight. I just want to chill. I am worrying occasionally because I changed my major and I am now trying to get into upper division. my new major is sport management. it used to be economics. a beer would great right now. I just saw a Coors light commercial. that's good advertising. well I'm halfway done with this thing. there is not much to say I just keep thinking of the same things. I hope Texas football wins this weekend. Arkansas beat us last year but I think we will beat them this year. I need to go put the meat on the grill because I am hungry. I have to do this for 7 more minutes then I can do that. I'm cooking this really good sausage that my girlfriend bought in Elgin, Texas. I'm so hungry. its making it worse because of my roommates food that they are making is smelling really good. hopefully the patriots will win this game. they are winning this game. they won last year in the conference championship. I'm ready for the hockey season to start. I wish I could go play hockey tonight. I wonder what my dog is doing. my roommate is yelling at him so I'm sure he is doing something mischievous because he is always doing stuff like that. be quiet john madden. this is a long twenty minutes. I'm still hungry. I'm ready for the weekend. it will be fun. dang the patriots are punting. I need a new car. mine is a 2 door Tahoe that is a 93 so it is eleven year old. I can't wait till next Wednesday for the incubus concert. they are my favorite band and they are coming to Austin to play. it will be sweet. I'm going with all my friends. I should call my mom and let her know what is going on with me I wonder what she is doing

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3

will the cowboys win this game, who knows, why even care, will I be approved for a credit card application that I just filled out? I wonder if I'm going to be called by a friend to eat lunch, I'm not hungry, because I just ate, not really in the mood for jester food, stomach hurts a little from working out yesterday, not too bad, I hope I do good in all my classes this year. theres a lot of dust in my room. I need to get my friend to make his business run better. hes not a good business man. I get him all his business. I need to clean my room, at least my side. I don't know why I bought my caller id thing, I don't even have caller id service. it wouldnt help much anyway. I want to watch the game, but I have to write this assignment. I wonder what I will do today. I want to visit some friends. I wonder why I can wake up so early and all my friends sleep so late. cowboys are doing good this game, since I can hear the game going on. I wish I had a source of income right now. I don't know how I am going to pay for my cell phone bill and the money for the frat I'm rushing for. I'm glad I didnt drink last night, I feel pretty good today, except for a running nose. wow my 20 minutes are almost done, I wonder if my parents are going to call today. I need my cell phone back from my friend. I wonder what this blue, stringy dust is that is all over my stuff. oh look, my time is up, finally I'm done wit this, I'm glad I remembered to do this today.

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5

So I'm in the room with 2 guys and another girl and they're having this conversation that's really distracting me. Not to worry, I'll soon be engulfed in my own stream of consciousness and I'm sure this will turn out really funny. Actually, right now I'm laughing because they were making fun of my job. Haha. Alright, back to business. This is one of my favorite things to do. My friend just distracted me by trying to read this. Anyway, work was long and boring today. Lots of restlessnes and paranoia. Haha, the people in the room are being really funny. This guy is telling a really descriptive story (which is how I tell stories) and the other guy is all like, get to the point! I'm avoiding trying to read what I just wrote so that I can move on to the next paragraph. Everyone thinks its funny that I'm taking this so seriously. Its really hard to concentrate!! Lalalala, why do people fall for people who are already in relationships? And why do I think I actually have a chance? I think I have a really big chance. But I don't have long term goals. Hmm. I enjoy anticipation and a challenge, and that's what the person I have a crush on is to me. Its really exciting. It got quiet all of a sudden. Funny how that happens. I like it. I like the awkwardness. Uh oh, they're talking about sex now! Got to love college kids. Ahhh! So, my throat is dry, I'm about to grab a beer. And I'm one of those who actually like beer for the taste of it. Just call me a beer enthusiast. I'm not even sure if I spelled that correctly. You know, I won the spelling bee in 5th grade. And in 4th grade, I lost because I got the word condemn and I spelled it c-o-n-d-o-m. And I didn't understand why the judges were laughing until 2 years later. Anyway, I have 8 and a half minutes left and the person I have a crush on hasn't called yet. She's supposed to come over and play Battleship with me and my friends. I really wish she could break free from her controlling boyfriend. But I'm not one to judge her relationship since I was the controlling figure in my last relationship. ::sigh:: Lets not talk about my last relationship, I'll go to that bad place in my head. No regrets, no regrets. Alright, so I am really tempted to call her now. Umm, how is this computer going to organize my thoughts? Haha, I work for a computer company. Actually, the biggest computer company in probably the world right now. But that's not really important. Not saying that my thoughts aren't important because I believe everything I say or think has some huge significance. Even if I can't understand them. I don't even know if that made sense. Its hot in here. I hate laptops. Tony just told his roomate to grab me a beer. I should tell them to call Lisa to get her to come over here. Sometimes people need a little push out the door, know what I mean? I wonder if these pants look too big on me, they're really comfortable. My nostrils are flaring. People think its cute. I am done. Ok, maybe not. I have to keep going for like 3 minutes. My friends are making small talk. Small talk is funny. Ahh yes, a beer. Except I don't like drinking out of cans. Why is that? I love bottles. And Dos Equis. I take after my father. But then again, I love white zinfandel, which is my mother's favorite wine. Woah, its almost 9:30 and she still hasn't called yet. I'm getting upset. Maybe a little obsessed. I make myself laugh. Now I'm listening to them talk about me. I like the attention. Count down.

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16

Right now I am doing this psychology ut what will I be doing in the next couple seconds. Oop, my roommate just walked in and I have to talk to him and do this stream of consciousness writing at the same time. Hard! My room mate said hi and I am having trouble responding to him, it looks like Stephanie is impressed with my bass. All right you all have a good one. Roommate has left, that is weird. I wonder what Misung shin yeah interesting ats salivate when they win him and Stephanie are going to do together, probably nothing much, I can hear my roommate, err my people across the way talking about something they usually play madden 2005 until the wee hours of the morning which doesn't really bother me but I think it might a little, who knows its probably just something to complain about. I want to go out to dinner tonight and was thinking about going with David but I don't have his number so maybe ill call mom and dad to find out his number oh man that paper reminds me, I got to do the psychology experiment before Saturday I don't really understand the experiment system but I think it is explained somewhere in this syllabus well I have been going on for a while now and I still have a ways to go, phooey. I like my psych teacher though, he can somehow make the things we talk about in class not only funny but very interesting. oh man I think I accidentally typed some words in the wrong spot oh well I'll just keep going so yeah my psych teacher is good, and this intro class is very interesting makes you want to learn more about neurology I was thinking about how he really knows his stuff and if I could ever be a professor who really really knew his stuff. Do I work hard enough? I think I do, I been taken it easy this week just chilling in my room but I've been working too. Another thing that I can't escape thinking bout right now is girls it the subject on every young mans mind, yet maybe I think about it more than others. I think about whether or not I'm too picky. I haven't ever gone with a girl for longer than like 2 months I really can't stand the thought of a girlfriend, I haven't really met a girl that I'm really interested in even though in these first few weeks I've already had some opportunities but I just straight decided I didn't' want to go with them why? you know it has to do with looks I probably seem really shallow but I just want a chick who looks DAMN good not just good if I find myself thinking of reasons why I don't like you the fact of the matter is I'm going g to ditch and better sooner than late I've ditched some really cool people and I feel bad about it but then I've been ditched too sometimes I think I have too many friends but the fact of the matter is if you don't want to be somebody's best friend eventually your just not going to hang out anymore so I need courage the courage to approach a girl and ask her out on a date, don't worry about if its going to be a good date just go for it and get rejected damnit that's what I say get rejected and feel that pain because one of these days your going to ask her she's going to say yes and then its just going to work these things don't just fall into your lap out of the blue at the least you have to keep yourself open to other people always meet new people I think I will ask Kim and Liz if they want to go out sometime now there's two people that look like they got their shit together Liz dropped out of sfa last year so what? she has her priorities straight you know everybody has their faults I don't want to be recognized for getting a's in class that's crap I want people to say yeah that guys is a friggin funny cool guy I like being around him, but I only want people that I can get along with to say that how do you tell the ones that like you but you don't like them gto go away it seems harsh you don't want to be an ass and the fact of the matter is you may need them some day but for what??? as long as you've got your friends you are unstoppable you are having fun you are just with your buddies and you wouldn't have it any other way like my family man I just realized how much I love them by being away from them for such an extended period of time I really missed them I didn't think that would happen but it did my sister my dad my mom are really important to me and I love them to death bottom line man I'm hungry after this I'm going to see if I can get a hold of David and singer and maybe well go get something to eat I got to talk to David man that guy is really cool maybe I have the number in my desk somewhere I don't know but maybe ill just be lazy and go out by myself, maybe just maybe ill go out an meet somebody that will play an important role in my life maybe ill have one of the best times of my freshman year who knows what could happen in the 20 minutes after I finish this project who knows? God knows? don't get me started I could write all the proofs that straight out blast Christianity to the nether regions but no I believe in that little piece of spirituality that's in us all call it God Jesus whatever its there but it is just there its our spirituality it is us so thanks for reading and ill talk to you later boi.

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18

Well, I just got out of class this morning. It was pretty boring. One whole hour of lecturing. Normally, I wouldn't mind learning things from professors or teachers. But this course seems a little too easy right now. I still remember all this stuff from high school. And on top of that, this guy has such a monotonous voice. I feel like I'm going to fall asleep every time I'm in his class. I don't mean to be rude, but I can't help it. Fortunately, this morning, I was able to keep myself awake considering the amount of sleep I got. Wow, only about 4 hours of sleep last night. I think it's my own fault though. I stay up late and don't really do anything productive when I know I should be sleeping. I think I need to force myself to go to sleep earlier before school REALLY kicks in. From what I've heard, electrical engineering is a really tough major. Seems like no one has a social life at all anymore. And the ones that do try to keep a social life alive seem to be struggling with school a little bit. I wonder which I will be? I see myself stuck in my room or the library cramming knowledge into my head. Probably not because I want to do well in school but because everyone else is doing his or her own thing. Haha. Well, deep inside, I really do want to do well in school. Mainly for the reason of my mom. So many things have happened within the past couple years. Major life affecting changes have occurred recently, and now my life is so not where I saw it several years back. I'm not sure what happened. I don't think I'm being punished for anything, but it seems like bad things keep happening to me. I don't want to sound pessimistic, but it really seems true. I mean, I know I have a good life. I appreciate all that I have. I know I am a lot better off than a lot of people. But it's sometimes you feel at least SOME things should go your way. For instance, I have never really had good luck with girls. Not because I don't know what to do mind you, but because I have always had bad timing. It was always not the right time or something was going on at the moment. I finally decided to give up until college. And now that I'm here, things still don't really seem to go my way. Maybe I'm speaking to early because college has only just started. I'll wait and see if anything good happens before I jump to any conclusions. College is still another 4 years ahead of me. Even now, I'm still just getting hit by the fact that I'm in college. Seems like just yesterday I was entering high school. Those were the days. Barely any homework, had time to watch TV, just do a lot of things you want. I never thought it could get any better. Then college hit. So many things to do here and to experience. There are so many people here. Such a wide variety. I've already made several new friends. I'm doing a lot better with my social life here than I did in high school. There, everyone was just a "sellout. " I think it was where I grew up. Going to Clements, a rich school where a lot of rich people went. I'm not saying I'm filthy rich, but I'm not poor or anything either. Anyway, when I look back, it seems like there were a lot of snobby people back there in Sugar Land. I'm so glad that I met the friends that I have now. They are a lot more like me personalitywise than the people in Clements.

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11

Well. I just finished my first week of college. I can't believe I'm already here, but I wish I was already out. There seems like so much to do but I'm starting to get things under control. I think. My friend Helen is at A&M and shes going to jump for the track team. She is an emblem of success. everytime I think of her, it reminds me of just how bad of a person I am. I guess everyone makes mistakes, but my mistakes seem to be a lot worse when I make them, because I know better. Hopefully I can keep up with all my reading assignments. reading is definitely not my thing. especially when I'm forced to do it. Tomorrow's reading time will be flled with the SI class, but that's okay I think I'm going to need as much help as I can get. Tonite's church. thank the Lord. Sometimes you just got to get filled up when everything seems so dry. I love church, but sometimes I feel so . . I don't know. not as good as everyone else. like nobody makes mistakes but me. I know that's not true. only I lie from the devil trying to get me down. anyways today in psychology class someone mentioned obessive cumplusive disorders. and I wanted to scream out. I've been caught in that trap beofre. Which I have and thank the Lord I no longer am bound by that chain. only by the grace of God did I get through some of the worst, tearful, confusing years of my life. Oh. El Patio sounds real good right now. not only because of the delicious food, but because I have to right a paper on it and I need to get some intricate details to make my paper a success! I can't wait to be home tonite. I've been up at school since before 7 am. only to realize that my 8 am class had been canceled. my next class was not until 12 noon. Oh well at least I got some studying in and I was able to finish my english homework so that I wouldn't have any tonite. Praise the Lord. Anyways back tonite. my boyfriend is suppose to call me about ten. man I hope he gets his own phone soon. I miss him. I wish could just get married right now. but my father might have other plans for that situation. . but I don't understand sometimes. why do you always have to wait 'til your outa school before you get married. . of course I understand the logical part of it all, but what about love. although love is suppose to be patient. I don't like preaching to myself all the time. it's like I know what's right but I wish things could be different. I don't know. right now my biggest concern is my dad letting me drive down to San Antonio and pick up Stephen (my boyfriend) on friday afteroon. oh Lord please help me to find favor with him on this situation. Wow. twenty minutes is a lot longer than I thought it was going to be. It's like writing in my journal on the computer. what Dr. Pennebaker said today about when your depressed, to write what your feeling down. I totally agree. I know no matter what I'm feeling it always helps to write in my journal and shed a few tears of course! I like journals soo much that lately, I've been giving them to my friends for their birthdays. my time is clicking down. I really hope I can find a job soon and hopefully my friend Lauren found one today.

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8

Right now I am sitting in my dorm room and I just got off the Internet with my old boyfriend, Matt. He is still in Plano and I feel as if part of me is still there with him. The worst of it all is that he has a new life now and he is finding new people and new things to do. Since he is doing this he has found every way to make it very clear that I am not to be a part of this new life he is enjoying so much. Although there is no room for me in this life there is plenty of room for tons of other girls that understand what he is going through. I don't really think that it is fair for him to expect me to just sit here and let him make a new life for himself that I am not in, but he does not seem to understand that because the only circumstance he sees is that I am in college in Austin and that my life must be better than his so there is no need for me to be a part of his boring life in Plano. I pretty much do not think that Austin is that great and I would trade being in college to be with him in a heartbeat. I do not think that he is being fair, sympathetic or a good friend to me at all. He doesn't seem to understand that college is a scary thing and that it really helps to know that there is someone there for you that is a steady constant in your life during a time of constant change, such as this one. He just doesn't understand, and he just doesn't really care. All that he really cares about is that he is having a good time, which obviously cannot involve me. The only thing that he can ever see is that I am in college and that there is going to be so much distance between the two of us. The only thing that he seems to able to do about this is to put even more distance between the two of us. This really bothers me. And the worst of it is that I have been gone for a total of seven days and he has already found a way to replace the void I have left in his life. It makes me feel very wanted to know that I can be replaced in seven days. And the worst of it is that I totally want to be with him every moment of every day and he just doesn't want to be. I feel that if I were to come home for a weekend that he wouldn't even have the time to see me because he would be so busy with some other person. He doesn't even have the time to talk to me for five minutes yet he has time to go to bible study for three hours. He doesn't understand how unwelcoming that college is and how much I would like to have someone right now that really wants me to be there and that really cares about me. This whole situation is very difficult because we are so far apart and there is no way to see each other and there is no way to make him see how much I care about him or how much I really want to be a part of his life. And on top of all of my turmoil with him, I also had to go through rush this week and not get into a sorority. This all makes me feel very wanted and liked by others. So basically my first week of college has been pretty good. I am sick, I have all eight o'clock classes and I am not a morning person, I have been replaced in the life of one of the few people I have ever truly cared for, I have been cut by sororities even though all of the girls in my town have joined the houses of their choice, I live in a really tiny old dorm with a bunch of weird people, and I have broken the brand new portable telephone in my bedroom. Oh well, it can only get better form here, right?

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24

The RTF305 Usenet site is a piece of garbage! I just sent my first required message, only to have another person's name in the From slot! Now I probably won't get credit, and worse yet, I can't access it again! The computers here suck! It's bad enough I wait in line just to use one. Well, that's it, I have got to get my own. Or perhaps, bring my old one from home. It seems different, even though basically everything is the same. It's on my desk at home right now. That antique desk where I spent hour after hour perfecting my work, listening to my favorite music right now. I hear Journey, and String right now, now if that stereo down the hall would shut up! What are they paying for anyway? They come miles upon miles, after earning the right to be here, and then squander it on stupid sound effects, and loud music. If I wanted to hear Inspector Gadget during the Simpson’s, I would change the channel! I only get to watch t. v. for 30 minutes or so a day, and I certainly want to choose, and if my roommate and I don't choose, why should that inconsiderate shmuck down the hall get to!? Speaking of halls, that turn was so tight in the one off of my computer room. I used to feel plush carpet under my feet, and the cold, refreshing taste of Coke when I walked quickly into the room to begin my work for the night. And all those shows that I missed! I missed countless mindless hours of television. Pure, mind-numbing entertainment, what can beat that. I see industrial carpet on the wall right now. How plush my bed was! Jake used to love when I gave him nip, or scratched his ears at night. It reminds me of when that bumpkin exterminator came to the large, clean, inviting house thought he was a bob cat. So the vet called him "big-boned", that doesn’t mean he was obese. So he ate 3 bowls a day, and was a 20 pound cat with a gut. That reminds me of "Cats" when the twenty pounder is the human equivalent of 300 or so pounds. That theatre rocked. I. M. Pei is awesome, but that other guy on t. v. is an eccentric freak. The Myerson is cool, I could go for some more hot chocolate now, just like during the Christmas musical we went to. That guy was pretty short who my mom worked with, and bald as a bowling alley floor. I have to play pool before I go insane! That basement used to smell musty, but the sleepovers were fun.

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22

NFL kickoff tonight. should be fun to watch. Going to get depressed watching them play. actually probably not, but I wish I could play ball ! I played highschool football, and actually did Div,. III equivalent in Erope. that was fun. This assignment is too long should be 10 minutes, not 20. I read a book that was stram off consciensness (did I spell that right?). Cassandra, by Christal wolf. I was an IB book. it ought to be fun going back to norway this winter for xmas. can't wait to see my parents and sis. and dog. coach will send me a CD with all our game footage from last season. Go domers. He said I could play whenever I was in norway. awesome. I was a badass corner back. if I was 40lbs heavier (muscle) and faster I could play for UT. It would be a frikkin dream come true. that's one regret that I have in life. maybe one of my only ones: that I will forever just be a varsity highschool ball players. or maybe not its not that big a deal I guess. can't wait til I'm flyin in the US air force! greatest country ever!! this assignmentt is getting old. nnobody's going to read all of them anyway green mesquite bbq. Mmm I don't really want to go, but I want the bbq plus I get to see rotc people but I actually don't really want to now I want to lay in bed and watch tv play ta. too lazy I get my guitar toorrow this keyboard is hard to type on this opps this assignment is terminated

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17

This is a very interesting homework assignment. I wish the rest of my assignments were this interesting. I am a home right now. I can home for the weekend. It has been two weeks since I left for college and I came home. I know it is not recommended to do this but I did. I don't think it will affect me. The only thing is that I don't want to see my mom cry again. That is the worst part. I love typing, it is so much easier than writing by hand. I have not spoken to my two best friends. One of them I am kind of upset at because she is so infatuated with a guy that she blew her two best friends off. That really hurt my feelings. Wow, only two minutes have gone by. I wonder if I am going to have enough things to write about for twenty minutes. Doing the assignment for this class reminds of the class and the cute guys in the class. I have so much homework and I started to work on it at noon, but it is chemistry and it was difficult. I got very frustrated. I also had a lot of distractions. For example, I brought home two weeks worth of laundry and I have been doing all the loads since I woke up and had breakfast. That was about ten this morning. I wonder what is happening down in Austin. It feels weird not to be there, and when I am there, it feels weird not to be there. I wonder what is happening at the Castilian. What is laundry boy doing? Is he doing his laundry again. It feels so good to be close to my mom and getting her cooking. She is the best cook in the world. My sister's birthday is tomorrow and I am glad I got her her present early. My mom and dad came home with her presents today and she is really excited. My mom gave her her present and it was what she wanted. She was given the chance to get dad's present early too, but she decided to wait. The big game is about to start and I am contemplating about watching it. I really wish I would get around to doing my homework. I have been really bad at managing my time lately. I checked my loan status and everything has been approved. Thank God. Yes I will be in debt forever, but right now the important thing is to get an education at the place of my choice. I have to pay off debts that are roaming around. If I have money left over, I want to buy myself a lap top computer. It is so different how everything at UT is so technologically advanced. Is that how it is on other campuses. The big game is tonight. I wonder if I will ever get around to going to a football game. I think maybe for the experience. I sister was disgusted by something on TV. I can hear the dryer. It has been going almost all day. I had a lot of clothes to wash. How am I going to make time to do laundry. I think since I was instructed by mom to wait until I came home, that is why it piled up. I think I will do it weekly in Austin. I wonder what Jessica is doing right now? What is she thinking about the issue? Does she know what is going on? I really want to talk to her, but I will not look for her. I think it is her responsibility to see what made us feel bad. I think I have justifiable reasons to be mad at her. Wow, the time is almost up. I thought I was going to be dragging this on and on. I was just thinking of the ride home yesterday. I almost made a driving mistake that could have cost me. There were so many cars. Since I have not been driving in Austin, it was weird. I tried leaving Austin right as the schools had let out and there was a big traffic jam on I-35. I was crazy. I was just inching along. It took me about an hour to make it out of Austin. My dad is such a goof ball. He was telling me how things are just not the same without me here at home. Everyone is really emotional. My text books were so expensive. I am still blown away by the prices. Then yesterday I had to buy a stupid calculator. I had a quiz and could not use a graphing one.

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well, I wonder why I'm here. languages can be a real problem especially when you have 100 pages to read every day. Maybe this is what people called college live. no time, no entertainment, no nothing. maybe it's not the case for native students! so why am I here? Am I anywhere better than them? Or will I ever be better than this advantaged people? what advantage will I receive once I finish this college hell? hell with it. It's not so bad actually. maybe. I don't know. There are so many things I want to do, but don't have time for. I have to fit into the class room, so I got to read the textbook, pretending that I'm cool with it. Who knows how I'm doing? I don't even know that. Sometimes I wonder what will come after. After all this years of staying and trying to fit into a culture that I don't even like. Is it money that draw me here? Or is it something else? Maybe I'm just tried of what I used to do. Although I don't know exactly what. Live repeats itself, again and again that I don't know whether I've done it already or it's just a similar experience. Memories are tricky. They fool you, mislead you, and abandon you. Am I here for the 2nd time? Or even more than that? What am I searching for? Trying to reach a perfect life? I wonder how many times more do I have to live in order to achieve that. Enough for the questions. since there will be no answers to that. Austin is a nice place. The weather is quite similar to Taiwan, but not as humid. People are busy, as they did in community college. but the more people there are, the easier you fall into isolation. I don't remember when I get my first "friend" in college, but people seemed more relaxed back then. Memories make things look at its best. That's how human survives. Cell phone is also a devise that's supposed to do so. But do they? People get more and more dependent on such thing. They want to be connected. but with whom? What's the meaning of saying hi on the phone and trying to find a correct time to hang up though out the conversation? Cell phone is tiring. They only work when you need to be picked up. There lots of quite Asian girls on campus; I wonder where they're from. Are they having the same troubles? I don't see any good looking Asian guys out there. Too bad, it's always easier to find good looking girls than guys. Well, as long as it nurture my eyes. Not being able to see good looking things can be a torture! That brings me to another problem in Austin. No comic book store!!! And I can't even watch the DVDs I brought. Damn capitalistic Americans. Region settings is plane stupid.

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8

well I just got back from my home town in huntsville today. I went down there for my granny and paw paws fiftieth wedding anniversary. I think today was the hardest move I ever made. it as my first trip home since I moved down here. the first time wasnt as hard as today was. I guess I realized that I don't live there anymore. when I was leaving I thought to myself I have to go home. but this doesn't feel like home to me, huntsville does. I had a blast while I was there. I got to see most of my friends including my girlfriend which I was basically forced to break up with because of my move cause everyone knows that long distance relationships don't work. but it was like nothing had even changed. I had so much fun with her and with my old friends. I honestly didnt want to come back today. I cried the most I've ever cried in my life today. the hardeset thing for me was to see my mom cry. I think she realized that I was actually gone as well. I could also tell my dad was fighting back the tears. the only other time I have ever seen my dad almost close to crying was when his grandmaw died. me and him are best friends. he told me he loved me today which I havent heard out of his mouth in a while because you know, were "men". as I pulled out of my driveway, my mom and dad were hugging each other, they have never done anything but scream and yell at each other since my 18 years of living there. I burst into tears at the sight and drove off with that pain in youre neck you get when you try to fight back tears. this still wasnt as bad as when I had to tell my exgirlfriend bye again. she was the last person I saw before I left and I spent about an hour over there. we talked about how much fun we used to have. I wish I could see her more often. she gave me my birthday present today because I wont be home for it. she wrote me the sweetest card and I started to cry again. then I opened the present and it was a fairly expensive watch and I burst into tears again. I realize how much she really is in love with me and I wish I was there to share that with her. its going to be even harder to get usec to living down here now. to end with a good note every one I visited sent me lots of food back. thanks for listening, I feel a lot better now.

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28

I have gone to three computer labs this morning, and have gotten screwed out of all of them. It started over at the UGL, where I signed up for a Mac, but saw a free scanner, When I sat down and logged in at the scanner, I realized my other assignment had come up. I decided to logout of the scanner because you're not supposed to use a scanner computer if you're not going to scan anything. So I went over to my assignment, but it was someone else's computer! So I decided to sign up again (disgruntled). This time, though, the line was about a mile long (not really, but still REALLY long). About half way through the line, and a few minutes later, I realize that I had been assigned to a different computer, but my time was almost up. So I ran over to the computer and quickly typed in my password, but it wouldn't take it. I desperately attempted to logon before my time was up, but the insolent computer would not give it up! Now a little less than happy, and a little more than frustrated, I went back to the line. Only this time it was at least twice as long. NO! I remembered though, my MISS professor talking about a business lab, so I went over to the CBA. Of course it was on the 5th floor, and one of the escalator's was broken, but I made it up there; just to find out I had to sign up and wait a day so they knew I was a business student. How asinine! So I signed up (trying to dig my pen into the page) and proceeded to the good old Welch laboratory, where there is always room to work. There were plenty of computers when I arrived, so I sat down (a little relieved) and pulled up Netscape. The soul purpose of my computer escapades was to check my email and to do this darned project, so I tried to get into my account. "THIS FILE DOES NOT EXIST?". What? "THIS FILE DOES NOT EXIST?" Damn it. Of course, the computer couldn't do email. SO I switched. Same song, second verse. I tried three others, and still the same chorus: "THIS FILE DOES NOT EXIST?". So I accepted the fact that somebody doesn't want me on email. I'm now trying to drudge through this assignment without breaking anything. And yes, time flies when you're having fun, but it moves as slow as hell when you're pissed off, wet, and hungry. That's about the only thing I have to look forward to now: eating. Luckily I packed myself a lunch today. Last time I neglected that responsibility and was forced to eat at Wendy's. $5, and I felt like cap for the rest of the day. I'm trying to stay healthy. You see, last semester, I worked out really hard, and got pretty buff before the end of school, but throughout the summer, I lost access to the gyms, and I lost a lot of my muscle mass. Now I am struggling to get back in the swing of things, and fast food really sets me back! You can add that to the list of anxieties, too. Working out for the first week is always hell, but now I'm on Creatine, and I am twice as sore. Of course, now my hands are hurting from typing straight for 20 minutes, but that is bearable. I guess I sound like quite the whiner, but I am really an easy going guy. I always try to have a pleasant disposition; I really do, I walk around making a constant effort to keep a smile on my face ( It also makes it easier to wink at the girls). But today, things just aren't going well. I really wanted to check that email because I'm supposed to be getting a message from this GORGEOUS girl. But oh well, maybe my lack of correspondence will serve as "playing hard to get". Well, 20 minutes is up, and my hands need a rest! Hope this is what you all wanted!

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13

I have too much homework to do. It is really different from high school where you could finish your homework in a couple of hours. The homework in UT requires you to read a whole lot and complete an enormous amount of homework in a short amount of time. Also, at UT, you must manage your time wisely becuase you are on your own and there is no one to bug you are pester you about your time management. Also, there are a lot of distractions like girls, basketball, sleep, etc. Going to early classes has been hard for me so far. It is really hard to stay awake for the 8 o'clock or 9 o'clock classes becuase some are just too boring because of boring professors that like to lecture over meaningless material because no one understands it. I think that if they should teach like they did in high school where they show examples of the things that they are talking about, or go at a slower pace so everyone can understand. This is because once you are lost, you really don't want to have to work really hard to get back up to speed. I really think that my GPA is important this semester becuase I am trying to transfer into the business school and out of the college of natural science. This is becuase I do not like computer science which is my current major, and business seems easier and a better track to go. Today in psychology class we learned an intereting lesson on lie detection. It kind of lost its point since the professor could not tell what the student's number really was. I want my parents to bring me a bike to UT. It is because the campus is just too big and it is too hot to walk to all of my classes. But I kind of don't want a bike on one hand because it will mess up my hair, you will have to pedal over hills, and cars don't really care about bikers as much as pedestrians. I am kind of pissed that the school is closing Gregory Gym tomorrow because they are throwing the plaza party. I think that they should have it somewhere else because a lot of people like myself like to play basketball there at night. Plus it is already too congested at night because they hold volleyball games on other courts during the night too. I really think that the UT football team is going to do well this year. Although they blew a big first game, I think that they have a chance to do something either this year or next year. I don't understand why Chris Simms chose to come to Texas over Tennessee. He is such a good quarterback to be a backup. I think he should be starting over Major Applewhite even though he lacks experience because he has a good arm and he is more atheletic. I really don't like to do these things because it takes so much time. When I first started typing I didn't realize how long 20 minutes is, but it is a long time. When I finish this, I need to start on my english paper, and do my calculus problems. My calculus TA is really stupid because she cannot teach us. She skips too many steps, and she can't explain problems very well. I think that radio stations should not have morning shows. This is because I was listening to a radio station in the morning that didn't use to have a morning show because they were new, but now they have one and it sucks because they play so much less music. Also, they always talk about really corny stuff that no one wants to pay attention to. I like it when it rains. But here in Austin is never seems to rain. I've been here for 2 1/2 weeks now and not a drop of rain. When it rains I feel better for some reason. Tomorrow is probably my best day of classes because I don't have to wake up until 12 in the afternoon. And all my classes are basically the discussion groups where you don't learn anything. I like a girl here are UT but I don't know if she likes me back. But I am also faced with the dilema of liking another girl that goes to Emory in Atlanta. The girl that I like in UT though does send me any signals that she likes me or even agknowledges that I am there. She also hangs around a lot of other guys that makes me pretty jealous. The girl in Emory is a girl that I've known for 4 years and I think I stand a better chance with her, but I hear that long distance realtionships never work out.

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7

I feel a bit stressed out this week because it seems like my assignments are piling up. Computers are not my specialty so I am glad I made it on this web page, now if I can only figure out how to check my e-mail. I went to a alpa Kappa Delta Phi meeting last, which turned out to be pretty fun. I am so excited about the whole sorority experience. I hope I get a bid. This would be such a great experience - to make new friends. At this moment I am trying to get things done because I have a class in an hour and I have to attempt reading the Wall Street Journal before 5:00. I would have gotten my paper yesterday, but I couldn't figure out the lock combination, so I called the Wallace Distributors and left a message yesterday. She called me this morning and treated me as if I were a child, speaking real slow and in my opinion she was patronizing me which I really hate. I think I am going to be nervous all week wondering if I am going to get into KDPhi. My roommate and I are getting along pretty well so I am pretty happy about that. She is trying out for Spirits and I hope she gets in because she deserves it. I am worried that it will be difficult for her to get in because 200 girls are trying out for 23 positions.

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17

My Thoughts. As I sit here thinking my mind wonders into so many different plains of emotion and depth. I like the music I am listening to but my concentration is probably dying. I hate typing. This is a great way to see how I am thinking although I am tired and my thoughts are probably greatly distorted. I am glad I came to college station last night. It feels good to be back here and to see all these people I know already. I am already tired of seeing people it is almost impossible to get to know. My roommate is probably sitting at my apartment all alone and that is too bad I wish she had something to do as well. I like her but we do have some crazy differences. I am extremely thirsty. It is very hot in here. The past few days have been so terribly hot outside. I like the Fall and the Winter better. Everything is a lot more enjoyable then. I cant wait to see my old friends when I go home during Christmas. In High School I always thought I was Different from everyone else and to an extent I was. I hate yellow. I like to write but I would rather be reading a good book right now or maybe going to play put-put golf. Twenty minutes is a long time to write about nothing. Charlie has gone to work and I don’t have much to do now other than this. Why do people act so stupid today. I am scared to meet people because they all seem so strange and their thoughts all seem to be the opposite of mine. I want to breathe a breath that is new. I see nothing as far as my life is right now. I live my life with the shadows and I know that this is wrong or is it . I will find a place I have before. My head hurts what else can I write oh sweet brain. I love psychology it is so exciting and new and apparent . I am going to enjoy this class even though is has about a billion people in it and that is a change since my town only has 1400 people living in it . all so big BIG big I feel like I have been bent and thrown around right now I need to get some more sleep but I cant do that right now I am falling into this trap of thinking about my thoughts and my thoughts are typical and dull to me but I am not typical and dull WHY ARE my thoughts coming out this way on paper. Maybe it has something to do with trying too hard or subconsciously knowing complete strangers are going to read this (I like to write my thoughts for myself. Sorry 20 minutes is up .

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27

Well, I've never really done a stream of consciousness writing, so hopefully this will be a good experience for me. Right now, I'm thinking about thinking about writing this, its kind of weird to just record everything that crosses your mind because you get weird recursive loops like that. Recursion is the idea that a certain function calls itself, or in layman's terms, an idea that is selfreferencing. I think Stephen was the one who taught me about the idea of a selfreferencing mathematical idea. I just found out today that the classes I plan on taking over the next 3 and a half years will earn me a BS in Computer science, and a BS in Mathematics. At first I just wanted to take a minor in mathematics, but when I was talking to Dr. Turner today he told me that I should check to see how much of the major I would be completing. I hope a double major will help me get into grad school. Right now I really want to go to Carnegie Mellon to do my grad work. They have a really great CS program there. That's assuming of course that I remain a CS major over the next few years. But I don't see my interests changing or anything. I really wonder how well shy people can perform stream of consciousness. We're really not good at expressing our thoughts, especially to other people. Luckily this is typed and not spoken. Well, that's both good and bad, typing runs much more slowly than speaking, but its easier to express my self through text than through words. I misspelled consciousness earlier, and it got underlined red. Its really bugging me, so I think I'll go fix it right now. I know that if I look around my room I'll see something that I want to talk about. Usually that subject will be computer related. Its really sad. (Sad but true dear reader) Why does that make me think of high school. Weird flashback I guess. Never really popular or anything, although the last two years were awesome because I had a great group of friends and together we were really outgoing and audacious. All extremely intelligent. I wish I could meet more intelligent people here. Most of the people I know are either average, or just plain dumb. I did meet some cool people in my CS 307 class. But its too early to tell if they're truly intelligent, or just book smart. That reminds me of the math problem I solved today. Professor Freed always gives out a few homemade math problems on his assignments. He encourages us to attempt them, but he says its ok if we don't actually finish them or anything. Well, so far I'm the only one I know who came up with a solution to his problem. The last part was awesome because it required the use of a computer. I wrote a dinky little program in C to compute all the data, and then I pasted it all into Excel to plot it. Right now I have another program like that running. Its been running for about 140 hours right now. Something like that. Its growing neural networks to survive in a certain situation. These aren't any old artificial neural networks though, they're growth modeled. (my idea). So I hope this new batch of data continues to support my hypothesis. The rhythmic clicking of the keys is kind of distracting. It reminds me of our last psych class, when the girl I sat by thought that if you could type faster than you could write, it was pretty fast. I really disagree. Writing free hand is an extremely slow process, typing goes much faster because the letters are formed instantly when you hit the key. You can't program as fast as you can type so it really doesn't matter for me except in word processing like this, where I need to be able to type as fast as I can or I can't remember what I was thinking. I wonder how long I've been typing. Probably at least 15 minutes. I really haven't been keeping time. Oh well, once this hits a page on size 12 times new roman, that's going to be a lot of text in a fixed point font (like its going to be when I paste it on the web). My DVD player comes in pretty soon. I've been waiting for at least a month because the first one I got didn't work, and then the company ran out of them. I need to buy some DVDs for it. Probably will get the Utena DVDs even though they don't cover the really good episodes at the end. I like anime.

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12

This is my writing I always feel like everything should have a title. Somebody told me I was anal last night. I don't think so though. I've always thought myself to be rather easygoing. Church always made us be nice to people. That's another thing, people always tell me that I'm "like the nicest person I've ever met!". I don't see it. I may be easygoing but I do not consider myself nice. I think I'm just not mean so people think I'm nice. I'm not. You should see how I treat the men in my life. The poor boys don't have a clue. Marques hopefully will never find out because I actually do love him a lot but I just can't seem to settle down for anything. That's got to be some kind of mental deficiency don't you think. Oh well, around this campus I think I am one of the only sane people around here. I'm saying that like I think I'm sane. I don't think I am. I like William a lot too. He's so strong and "Mr. Cool" like. I'm always attracted to the strong cute ones. I guess it's some kind of complex about my tiny stature that I always go after big men. I can't believe Marques got up to almost 300 pounds this summer. He is really making me mad though because he is not helping my constant state of confusion that I have been dealing with lately. I hate typing. I don't have anything to say anymore. I wish I had a twinkie and a juice box. I do need to go to the grocery store. Eckerds is just up the street though so I'll go up there if I can ever get caught up on all my work. I am going to try to make it to the Delta party tonight. I think everybody's going to be there. I hope William is there. He's such a cutie and he likes me a whole lot. He gave me these two massive hickies on the sides of my neck. They look really bad and they kind of hurt too. Oh well, at least I've found somebody that I like. I wish Marques was here so that I could take my mind off of all these cute men. My nursing class is cool. Are you sure that you wanted us to just type whatever comes to our minds. Well, I don't think you want to get inside my mind. There's a whole lot of stuff that should not be open to the public right now. I guess everybody thinks like this though. I can't call myself different because sometimes I know that I am different. I don't think like everybody else I know. I think I'm a little bit on the crazier side than they like to think I am. Okay, I have been typing for 12 minutes now. I told you that I don't have anything to say. It's not like I don't write in my journal every night. I know how my mind works and I don't particularly like it. I happen to think I'm a little nuts, but who isn't. This isn't all about me though. I'm not the teacher so I guess I just have to sit here and type until your hearts content. That's what I'm here for. My mom tries to make people happy too much. She had to go to a craziness doctor a few years ago because she almost had a nervous breakdown. I thought it was funny though so maybe that's mean of me but if you knew my mother you would think it was funny too. She's not a very nice lady and she bothers me way too much. I wish she would stop calling and acting like that good little mother that she always want to be. She's not. I love my daddy. He called while William was still in the bed this morning. Not good. He kept tickling me and my dad was kind of getting suspicious but William plays too much anyway. I need to go take a nap and it's been more that twenty minutes so I'll talk to you later.

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so today i went to class and i am really really tired i don't know why because in high school i was never this tired and i never slept that much during the day now i sleep a lot more i have breaks in between my classes and i don't like it because i don't do anything useful during those breaks i either eat, sleep, watch my suitemates tv or sit and stare at the wall, i think that i have a obessive compulsive shopping disorder because i always want to shop i like to shop and i always spend too much money i have the money from my parents but i should learn to save it but they did give it to me for clothes but i still shouldnt shop that much well oh well i like it so i do it i really like my dorm i want to decorate the living room more but my roommate and my room is cute and everyone says that it is homely i hung up all my picutes the other day and i like it alot i really like my stuff i think it is extremely cute it looks like a model dorm room it should because it took me forever to pick out what to buy and i got frames for all my pictures to match and my mom is making me a lamp to match it is going to be awesome well now my boyfriend is going to come over and we are going to watch a movie that should be fun oh i forgot that are suitemates are having movie night oh well we can just watch it with them i never get pimples but i have a really huge one right now and it is aggrevating me to death i guess that i am really concerned with my physical appearance but i can't help it anyways i don't know what else to write umh the elevators at dobie are extremely annoying because they take forever and i always have to take the stairs from the 12 floor i hate it but i never take them up maybe i should to work off calories oh that reminds me i really need to start working out again i have slacked off since summer school ended and fall started i should start running again too i could go with my friend i will give her a call later well something is wrong with my labtop because any time i type too fast it stops and sends me to the upper portion of the page i hate it then i have to use the mouse to get back down to start typing again i think that i am a true perfectionist it even shows in this writing assignment because anytime i spell a word wrong i have to go back and retype it the right way i wonder why i do that oh i miss my car because i put it in the shop yesterday and i can't get it until tomorrow it is no big deal i don't drive it that much down here anyway but i just like to know that i can drive when i want to it is going to cost like 270 dollars to get the oil changed and the brake pads changed and the rotars grinded down they also had to give me a new ignition for something because of a recall i have a 98 honda accord (it is so nice i love my car fully loaded and everything all the extras) and they recalled the ignition because it can just stall out when you are driving that is scary my stepmom called me and was worried because if i was driving on the freeway and it stalled it would not be good i said hey if someone hit me and maybe i would just get hurt enough so that i could sue honda and get enough money to pay for college and be able to drive my bmw and go on shopping sprees with my sisters, and mothers and all the time that would be nice so i havent talked to my sister in awhile she is very sick not sick in a flu way but in a internal way like the brain and heart i love her so much and i am going to call her as soon as i am done with this so that i can tell her how much i love her and when i go home we can hang out and i will take her and some of her friends to a movie and to eat i think that i need to get a job my dad does not want me too and he gives me money but i want to you know

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I just sat down at a computer in the lobby of srd, which is where I live. I just finished checking my e-mail since my computer in my room has not yet been equipped with an Ethernet. My boyfriend e-mailed me because he just got home. He goes to Baylor. He hates it there, though, and wants to transfer here in the spring. I am perturbed by the method of typing this computer is set up with. why doesn't it automatically wrap to the beginning on the visible screen. sorry, I can be really anal at times. I am sorry if this looks messed up, but I couldn’t figure out how this works. sorry again. I sure am glad this isn't going to be graded, or else my body paragraph would get an "f". I really miss my boyfriend. I am nervous about my dance-team tryout today. I don't know if I am in good enough shape to make the team. I haven't danced in like four months, and I am really out of shape. I am adjusting pretty good I guess to the whole college experience. I have made many new friends , and already have done things with them. for example, my friend heather and I are going shopping at the mall at 4 to get my boyfriend a birthday present. I am misspelling words right and left huh. I am kinda excited about learning psychology. the brain chapter, I hear, is confusing, but all of the case studies should be interesting I have no more classes today, but I need to finish reading my chapter one in psych. and my chapter two in chemistry. My boyfriend cam for a visit this weekend. I think he had a good time. We went out to eat at El arroyos, which was rumored to have good Tex-Mex food. They were right, alright. some of the best I've ever tasted. we then went to comedy sports, an improv club at northcross mall. it was hysterical. the members of the teams respond to impromptu suggestions from the audience. He stayed with friends at towers and called me the minute he woke up on Saturday. he came over to srd and we went shopping on the drag. I got two T-shirts, a baseball cap, and two books from the co-op. he got some u. t. memorabilia to take home with him to try and persuade his parents to let him come here in the spring. he is going to have a tough time explaining it to them, I think, because they will undoubtedly think that the only reason he wants to come here is because I’m here. I don't know how much weight that pulls in his decision, but I hope that isn't the basis for his decision. he started out at Baylor because they are said to have a good pre-med program, which is ultimately his goal. he met with the hpo office while he was here, and met with an advisor about the science program here. he was impressed that it was so similar to Baylor's. We then went over to the admissions office so that he could meet with someone about credits needed to transfer and other such items. He needs 24 hours to transfer, and after fall he will have 26, so he hopes to be accepted as a transfer student. Amy just walked in and said Hi!. now she looked at my screen I'm not crazy, I am doing stream of consciousness assignment for pschology. as she nods. she is a nice girl. she lives down the hall from me. I needed to get this done today because I have plans for the rest of the week after Wednesday, since this is a two day assignment. I should've recorded what time I started typing, huh! that would have been beneficial. I’m retarded in that sense. i mean sometimes I have no common sense. I wonder what my grades will be like this semester. I am used to straight A’s, and I hope I can accomplish this in college as well. I need to petition my AP grades sometime soon, but I don't know when or where. oh, well, I’ll look it up somewhere, and get it done. I need to do some laundry today, too. I am running out of plain little T-shirts, what's a girl to do. maybe I’ll find something cute while I’m shopping today. I hoe my boyfriend ( jaron is his name, if you wanted to know) likes his present. i think I am going to get him a ring from james avery and have it engraved. always. that is what I am engraving into it. so he'll remember. I am kinda sore from my dance class this morning. all we are doing is stretching but it takes alot out of me. I need to take a shower this evening sometime, cuz I am still kinda sweating from walking from like the stadium back home. in case you didn't know I live at 27th and the drag, so its a good hike to and from classes. I think I have been typing for twenty minutes so I am going to submit this. I wonder what happens if I didn't type for twenty minutes. what if I don't get credit. maybe I’ll keep going for another minute. I checked my mailbox when I came in, and I didn't have any new packages. my dad supposedly sent one on Friday, but it hasn't arrived yet. I think I am running out of things to say, so I’ll let you go on to whoever's paper is next in line.

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Psychology is a class that I have always been interested in and have wanted to take. Although I took the course in high school, I feel that I will learn a great deal more taking a course on the college level. I am interested in this due to an eagerness to gain more knowledge about subjects that have affected my family throughout the years. For example, a few years ago my mom and I learned that my sister was bulimic. When told this one random day after school, I had no idea how serious the illness was. What is bulimia anyway? I feel that my sister also had no understanding of the trauma she was putting her body through. After many psychiatric appointments, talks with several doctors, and a listening ear from her family, Kacy has finally learned to overcome her problem. However, is it ever possible to fully recover from such a disease? These are questions I anticipate getting answers to over the remainder of the semester? I can not help but still worry about her. Sometimes I feel that she tells my mom and I only what we want to hear. Another subject personally affects me that I am interested in is stress. I come from a long line of stressed out family members, including myself. I admit that I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to constantly succeed, which basically means I set entirely too many goals. If and when I fail, it causes me to feel like a failure even though I know that no one is perfect, including myself. My parents are divorced, and I live with my mom (or I did before college anyway). Therefore, my mom sees the reality of my success, but my dad is too naive to realize that his baby girl is not perfect. I contribute, I admit, to much of his believing that due to white lies I occasionally tell him, but I just never want to feel that I am letting him down. In his eyes, I am a straight A student, flawless dancer, fully involved in extracurricular activities, hardworking, perfect. The truth, however, is that I am average. I do work hard and manage to get a few A's, I am involved in several organizations, and I held a job for two years and did well. Basically, I embellish the truth a lot to my dad, which in turn makes me feel bad about myself. It causes me to stress out and have negative thoughts. Now that I am in this class, I am anxiously awaiting facts and meaning to why I am feeling this way, and hopefully find a resolution that will benefit me in the end.

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Tomorrow I'm going to go back to my hometown of Grapevine, Texas, where I get the chance to revisit some of my old high school friends that are still in high school, and some friends that have graduated as well, that will be home as well. I guess I'm looking forward to the weekend, however I realize that I am still missing a lot of the social activities that are going on at UT. Currently my roommate is pondering why I listen to so much music all the time. To tell you the truth, I really don't know why I do. One of the reasons may be that I grew up surrounded by music, my brother being a person that played a lot of it around the house, as well as the fact that a lof of my friends also listen to music a whole lot. I just saw the MTV music awards, which was ok. I mean it started out cool and such. with three great bands on stage at once, however it kinda declined from there into some trendy mush of junk. Some bands these days I can hardly consider a "band" in the least sense of the word. I just remembered that I missed my SI meeting tonight. that which I am not too happy about, but I shall make an even harder attempt to make the next one. Sometimes I wonder why people don't like dorm life that much. I mean its a nice social place where you get to meet people, and sometimes the rooms arent THAT bad. not even in jester, which is supposedly the biggest dorm in the nation or something to that effect. I've been to other places and apartments, and I think I still like mine the best. or maybe its just my way of rationalizing to myself the living conditions that I recieved. I hope my ride back home tomorrow is expedient. I get so darn tired after car rides. you wouldnt think so after sitting down for three or more hours, but you always are. maybe its because the body expects you to be sleeping or something. who knows. I'm also doing laundry at the same time. really different than the laundry back home, seeing as how the dryers take the whole freaking day to dry your clothes. geez, I'll be up for a while. Sometimes I wonder why people can be such jerks to others, especially in relationships. In this summer alone, 4 of my close friends experienced breakups in relationships, either due to faults of their own, or others. 2 of them cheated on the other, which is something that is really bad. I guess the human mind likes to think that when you commit to someone else, you expect the same in return, no matter if you are drunk, stupid, wasted, etc. It's prolly also the lowest of things that one can do to another in a relationship as well. Luckily I was not immediately affected by any of the aforementioned incidents. I never really know what to say to people that get the sharp end of the stick in those situations either. I mean what can you say?? I'm sorry? you'll do better next time?? hardly. It feels like I'm typing into a diary or something. which I don't keep. I really want to go see some live bands here in austin. I mean it IS supposedly the Live Music Capital of the world. or nation. whichever. its supposed to have something more than just 6th street. at least things in austin aren't that bad. my roommate's pretty cool, better than someone else I could've ended up with. the food. could be better. but its not too bad. Overall university life is pretty ok. a lot of people here are nice and friendly. barton springs is really really REALLY cold. man is it cold. I wish I had something to eat as of right now. I'm kinda hungry. at least the jester express is still open for a while. Some of my friends are wanting to go the jester late night express right now. which is a really good idea. good thing the time thingy is almost over. hopefully my laundry will almost be done as well. I hate doing laundry. I especially hate ironing. but I guess they're something that I'm just going to have to live with for the rest of my lfie. carpe diem. seize the day. dead poets society. a great movie. seizing the day however. I think at least. should only be done in short bursts, and not always. It just seems like looking at the short term benefits or consequences and never at the long term just seems kinda idiotic. right? Some people I know take it way to the extreme. I wouldnt even know how to write it down. so now I'm wondering who's going to read this paper, and what they're going to think. or if anyone is going to even read it at all? pennebaker? the asian guy? that michelle girl? who knows. that video that was showed last class was pretty weird. that guy/girl strapped to the machine. and all those brian waves. I guess it wasnt "weird. " just something that we don't see that often. it was pretty cool I guess. now I also know how to escape a lie detector test if there was ever a chance that I would be detained by the FBI for some criminal knowledge that I may possess for some odd reason. who knows.

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Stream of Consciousness: That time counter is very annoying, the videos that switched. a really good song just came on, I think it is by Mark Anthony. This office smells kind of funny sometimes. I met this Girl named Maria today and she is a runner for UT. I hope Parking and Transportstion appeals my ticket. I have some really random thoughts. I want the best things out of life. But I fear that I want too much! What if I fall flat on my face and don't amount to anything. But I feel like I was born to do BIG things on this earth. But who knows. There is this Persian party today. My neck hurts. But I am excited about attending this party. The girl I like will be there. She is my ex. Btu it's all good. I hope she still has feeling for me. I woke up this morning with a terrible head ache. I am wondering if I should invite my brother and hos friends to that party. I really wasn't invited myself, but I know Marjon will be there. I have some messages on my phone. How do you track feelings? That must be hard to do. I feel good! Healthy, kind of tired - but its morning time. I should call Janaina. I miss her. She is very cool. I hope no one actually wastes their time reading this. Because this stream of consciouness in BS. But it's ok. I guess I will learn something new from this class. I made a taks sheet for today. But I dought (is that how you spell that word?) I will finish everything on there. But I might. Life is much simpler when you have direction. I need to get stated on my well logging homework. I bet you guys don't even read this paper. I would be interested in seeing how people stucture this writing assignment. I mean, the way people form their paragraphs and stuff. As you can see I like writing paragraphs 3-4 sentences at a time. Yeahhhhhhhhhhh, time is almost up. I am very glda to be done with is assignment. Thanks

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Stream of consciousness---I am not sure what to write at all everything in my head comes in little spurts of information. "Turn the radio on, turn the radio up, and this woman was singing my song, lover is crying cause the other won't stay. my stomach hurts and I have to go to the bathroom, I think I just saw Jacob Biddle Now that I have to think about something I can't. which is strange because usually I think too much about everything right now that song by Lisa Loeb keeps running through my head even though I really hate that song. I feel really bad for Princess Diana's kids. but I actually have that morbid curiosity to see the pictures of the accident scene and it makes me feel awful. do I have to work tomorrow? My bangs keep getting in my face---I should never have gotten them My roommate is bothering me right now. she always leaves hair on the bathroom sink and on the floor and it really disgusts me, especially in the morning when I am already in a bad mood, and sometimes she gets this real high moral attitude with me like she knows better and doesn't want to break the rules by painting the walls because Mr. Lay might get mad, yet she has all this pot in her closet What a hypocrite! I hope I make Texas Angels, although I have to admit that I thought the whole thing was really fake Okay, now really nothing is going through my head I wonder if the people next to me are looking at what I am writing, they better not, that is such an invasion of privacy, although I would look at theirs any day. there is this disk sitting right here and it is not mine but I want to use it because I didn't bring a disk so that I could check email but I don't even know whether or not it is formatted for a PC, that guy was really cute. I wish I was in Paris right now. wow these computers really filled up fast ---there is already a line to get on them oh well too bad for them. oh damn I forgot to go get that course packet for government, oh I need to call that New York Times number I think they changed the computer system here in the SMF because the setup is different, that guy reminds me of somebody but I can't think who, I wonder if I can check my email without a disk If that is Brian Patridge he sure got fat. I wonder if I need to bring my psychology book today, but I don't think I have time to walk all the way home and then walk back, I will just share with Tina I need to check on my stocks, maybe they have finally earned me some money, and I need to get my portfolio going. I want my car back

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thinking about how school is so different, so many people, so many things to do, all the perpetual motion. music is great, is it really what I want ot do? I love it and it is fun, lovely, dorm food is horrible, it gives me gas, soggy waffles, watery milk, I miss thorin, I love him,I want to hold, kiss him, waht are my parents thinking? I know they want me to call them, later. i want to be in wind ensemble, really do, I don't know about university symphony band or whatever, it is really good that sarah has a quiet keyboard, or I woul disturb her too much, dorms are too loud, I can study though, not too hard, I wish my stupid tape player owuld work, king singer are the best, I wish I could sing like htat, too much reading to do, after a while I will get into a routine and not waste too much time,. I like psychology class, so mamy interesting things and people to know, I'm glad ben and bret are in the class how is shellsea doing? she sleeps too much and she was at jeremy's house tuesday nite and why do people party so much, ther is too much to do, I want to go to the bassoon party tomorrow, and met people, they are all very fun, duh they;re bassoonists, we;re wierd peole, why do I feel like I am not capable of this look how manyo hter stupoid epople make it thorugh college, an di am smarter than most, I want to meet peole to sing and play guitar with and be christian around nad spend more time wiht thorin and have hom be more christian, and I want ot have kids with him, I love him so much and I can't believe we are engaged, I'm so happy and I know it will last forever, and my parents will be happy about it when we tell tem, or at least I hope so what is every one in high school doing now? mr. mladenda, mrs. rogers templin, lewis, everyonw, I hope julie is ok but she stays away from thorin in a romantic sense and I hope that I can settle down and find my own group with whom to study and have fun and not party too much and not drink ever and never do drugs and kelly is iresponsible and I hope college helps her cause I like her a lot, I wonder if she's a lesbian? she likes guys though, oh well, I wish I had a car to go places and have fun and visit thorin, and family and I really need more time to write letters and communicate with peopole about what is going on, I want to visit casey and talk to all my german family and friends face to face agin and talk to al yfu and chemnitz alumni and melvin b and other people that I love for being so wonderful and cool and happpy with theri lives and laura is doing? I want to know what she is doing and visit her and tell her abou t thorin and tell her the truth aabout denis and why do I not like him so much? he made me betray myself and then betrayed me and I hate him, to say it is good, but not because god says forgiveness is holy, but how could he and now I'll be in a rut because it's so depressing and now I''ll make myself think of something else, how and I going to do the bus schedule? is there a wc bus going in the other direction? probably not but I will never know because I. i need to save my bike for winter and for psych class this is a cool writing assingnment the book I read like htis was awesome and I thought it was really different and wow I really want to be in wind ensemble and the orchestra, and I miss thoring and I am really tired, I got up too early and then that stupid class was canceled and this is really hard to do when you're tired because of the distractedness and the staring off into space that goes on and I hope I'm not distrubing sarah and I need a computer of my own so I can not tie up hers all the time and I hope she doesn't mind and I need to e-mail thorin so he has my new address and can send my lovely letters agagin, and I wonder how it will be living apart for now but then having an apartment or living in married studetn housing, my wedding will be beautiful and lovely and grandad will officiate with bubbles and flowers and mom's wedding dress and my twenty minutes are almost up so I think I will press the button that says click ONCE to submit.

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The cell phone just rang. It was my roommate's phone so I didn't pick it up. I had a great weekend. All I can think about is my exboyfriend. How stupid am I to be writing about something like my exboyfriend. He makes me feel so weak. He is my Achilles heal. He makes me feel like no other can. He manipulates me like no other. In a good way. He is all I can think about sometimes. I'm listening to Dave Matthews. I am wondering by the time I am done with this assignment whether or not I will selfdiagnose myself with ADD because I know I will jump from one thought to another. I will stop at 3:33PM. Right now it is 3:17. I ate breadsticks today with my good friend Ngozi. We have been friends for 7 years. Tomorrow I get to see Jets to Brazil at Emo's. I am extremely excited. Sometimes I draw blanks on what to type. Interesting. The blinking of the computer is bugging me. I am listening to Dave Matthews right now. He can be a little too jazzy for me. I am not a big fan of the saxophone. I don't like Kenny G. Even though he doesn't play the sax. I just called my best friend at OSU. She hates it there. The thing is, writing for a good twenty minutes is hard. I got all my thoughts out just a minute ago because I wrote in my journal. I have my own website where I have journal entries and pictures and various other interesting things. After this I will do the pretesting. I hear it is pretty long. That's never fun. I hate the food at Andrews. It tastes like a bunch of nothing. I also feel like keeling over after I eat the food, too. I am not using Microsoft Word for this. This is straight typing into the submit form. You think in a room of 540 kids there would be some boy to catch my eye. guess what? Not one. I still love my exboyfriend. Why do I jump back to him? I went to a frat party last Friday. It was fun, but I don't think I could date a frat guy. They are not really my type. I wish I could get over my exboyfriend. But would that be a good thing or bad? Who says I need to get over him? He was my first, possibly my last. I think he has very strong feelings about me too. I wonder though. Boys can be very ambiguous at times. Why can't we all be blunt? My Kirby Lane experience has been forever tainted. My food was cold and I saw a girl toss her cookies in the parking lot. People can be so irresponsible sometimes. They need to know their limit, or just take care of their business in the privacy of their own place not in front of Kirby Lane. My hands are crampy from all this typing. This is an interesting project. Anyway, I am going home this weekend. Back to Grand Prairie. I miss my niece. Her name is Ashley Rene Johnson. She is adorable. She just turned two and I wonder if she remembers me. I hope she is talking more. She is beginning to worry me. she barely talks. A homeless man hit on me today! In front of Bevo's! I was startled, but was I guess flattered. He had sunglasses on, so maybe he saw a distorted version of me. He called me beautiful. Hardly. It is getting cold. I am anxious to reread this writing assignment. It is 3:33. Thank you.

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I get sick to my stomach during your class and not because I dislike you. I think there are too many people in one room for my personal tastesI start to feel claustrophobic. However, it's fun to people watch with such a large "sample. " There is a 3D icon on my computer and it reminds me that I like graphic design. I feel like a fool writing this. I've started a majority of the sentences with "I"a bad habit. I also don't know whether I'm not even supposed to write in complete sentences. This is what I'm thinking right now, though. Is this because I'm typing at a computer or because I think in sentences? Maybe I think in sentences, but it seems like it would be a waste of time. Surely it's easier to label things as I would see them and without pronouns, verbs, etc. There are green and red squiggly lines correcting my grammar and spelling at the top of this paper. Think I should correct that? I'm not expecting a response by the way. I realize that any answer you may have I would receive far too late to correct any errors I might have. My first class of everyday is Latin. I only thought of this because I don't like/am not very good at foreign language and have a lot of homework to complete by tomorrow morning. Another squiggly green line. Damn. Oops, another. Perhaps you're wondering about the origins of my surname. Well, I'll tell you. My great grandparents (on my Dad's side) came here from Russia. Our name was Wachovsky. At Ellis Island they chopped it down to Wachs. My great, great, grandfather was a Lithuanian Rabbi who killed himself by trying to lift a cow over a fence. I get a laugh out of that. I never met my mom's dad. Actually, not even my dad met him. He died in his forties from cancer. Pancreatic I believe. My other grandpa died when I was 2 and a half. Interestingly enough, he "retired from life. " A week before he passed he took my father aside, his other son he was much closer to, and told my dad that he was ready to go. My dad got mad, "What are you saying? You have two new grandkids, there's lots to see. " Etc. , etc. He insisted he was ready and my dad was pissed off at him. Didn't speak to him the next week. His brother, my uncle, was in Las Vegas when he died. As much as it makes me angry, that's one of my favorite stories. My grandpa has always had a mythical aura around him and that tidbit only lends validity to it. I just found out a few months ago that he had another daughter with someone other than my grandma. My grandma knew, but didn't mindit was before they got married. My grandma also is dead and my dad and uncle knew very few details about it. When I got back from Las Vegaswhere I was told of the newsI looked through my Grandpa's old wallet, something that apparently everyone else forgot to do. There were only a few pictures in there. My grandma, my uncle, my dad, and this little girl with a blue dress. My grandma told my dad that Grandpa gave a blue dress to her on her 5th birthday. Speaking of favorite stories, I got a job back home at a video store. I worked there because I was enamored with the manager; she's only a few years older. But she's great, hilarious, beautiful, everything and there's no one who doesn't like her. Before she opened the store one day she was in the local Fry's supermarket and this older lady came up to her and said, "You are beautiful. " Meredith, the manager, said, "thank you" and went on her way. Then she realized the lady didn't have to do that and that was a very nice thing to do. So she went over to the florist, bought a bunch of flowers, found the lady, and gave them to her. The lady thought it was so nice that she invited her to dinner that night. I think that's a beautiful story.

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Well, it's been a long day. I'm really tired but I am not very excited about going to my last class, just because right after I get out I have to rush home, change clothes, and go to work. I can think of a million other things I would much rather be doing, ya know? But, hey, that's just life, right? It actually feels good to be working again. I always seem to get more accomplished in school, when I have a set routine. Last year, I was just a huge mess. All I did was party, never go to class, wake up and feel like crap all day. I'm only 20, but I feel like I'm already finished with my days where I don't remember anything or have a clue as to what's going on. It makes me laugh. Anyway, so it really annoys me in the library when people have their stupid cell phones on and they start ringing and then they answer it and just start chatting in a regular tone. Or on the bus! I don't care to hear everyone's conversations they have, but they talk like they want everyone to know what they're doing. I just thought about that because it just happened a few times in a row. But I'm not really anal about anything. I'm already thinking about what I want to do when I get off work tonight. It's the weekend, yea!! I hope Nick comes into town. I haven't talked to him in like almost 2 weeks. It's really weird. I can't even understand it myself. I'm crazy about this guy and I have been for about 6 months. He says that he thinks about me all the time too. It's just like some sort of connection I felt with him from the first time I sat down and talked to him. It's weird because we just hang out and are just like the same person. He's so funny too. But we never talk or tell each other how we feel unless we're just trashed and then we vaguely remember what we said. I'm usually not like that with guys as far as not being straight up, but right now I think it's just maybe not worth it to try to get involved because he lives in houston and I am obviously here. It's like, I know it's a mutual feeling, but I wouldn't want anything to ever mess up between us, I'd rather just wait until I know the time is right and then we can be together. Anyway enough about all that. I want to go home and hang out with my family. I love them so much. They're all just so cool. I would rather be with them than any of my friends I grew up with back home. My shoulders are so tight. It's from lugging around this heavy backpack all day. The first couple of weeks of school, I didn't even have a backpack so I hauled around this little pink Clinique plastic kind of hand bag with all my books. That was funny. I always had to laugh at myself, I'm laughing right now. I can just picture myself walking around campus. This cute guy just walked by. Well, I really just liked his hair. I love kind of long, messy hair with curls coming out of hats. They're so sexy. and dark eyes. I love dark eyes. They just seem to be so seductive. I have no problem whatsoever staring at anybody directly in the eyes. Sometimes I think I might even scare people. I feel like I can just see right through people. It's not because I think they're necessarily cute, or even that I want to talk to them.

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this assignment should be interesting but at the same time inhibited my slow typing. I do not like to use computers especially the internet. I had such problems on the internet when I was applying to ut that I almost did not get in because of them. but I am here now and happy. the one thing I am surprised about at ut is that there aren't more blacks or persons of color. I guess that is just the way things go. there are a lot of other ethnicities represented here though. my high school graduating class of 100 had 6 minorities in it. ut is a bit of a change. but for the better I am sure. my high school on Houston was private and some would venture to say snobby. I agree but a lot of times it was nice being in a homogeneous world. it reminds me of our country club in Houston. 1000 memberonly wasp. it is really not all that bad, though from a member's perspective. I like being one in a big heard of the same type of people. that is why I joined a fraternity up here at ut. it is fun and a good way to meet girls and guysmostly whom are white. I totally understand, value, and enjoy the perspectives of minorities though. last year in a history discussion class there was a Hispanic girl and she brought so many unique and amazing perspectives to the table although most of them had to do with religious based ideas. Speaking of religion I need to get some while I am up here in college. nobody has enough time for religions up here it seems but wouldn't that be so much better if they did. I find religion to be the best thing on the face of the earth although I do not get or have enough. the problem is it is difficult to do so and the results are not as immediate as a good grade on a test or anything else you work hard for. I miss my home church but I will probably end up going back there. I probably will end up moving back to Houston when all of my schooling is done. just like my dad and his dad's dad. I am a 7th generation Harris county resident and that makes me happy. I wonder how many times I have used the word 'I' in this writing. how many minutes have I written for only five to go. I might be a slow typist. never could type to well. not good hand eye coordination. my brother has good hI coordination. my wisdom teeth hurt and I need to get them removed or just take some more Advil. speaking of Advil and the thing that I thought I would be using them the most for, hangovers, I don't even drink half as much up here at school as I did back in high school. maybe that is a good thing. 2 more minutes. my hands are a bit sore. what to write or think about. today was a good day I hope that that girl I met at dinner tonight has an interest in me and not my friend Michael. she said she liked Michael. He has a girl friend though who is coming to town soon. I bet she is good looking

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oops i don't know what i just did. But back to that, i always feel bad for the customers because who wants a server thats all sweaty? I would be so Thank god Alright im not really sure what to do now. I just typed for a complete 10 mins then the side of my hand hit return. Soooo i guess i'll type for ANOTHER 20 mins to make sure i get the credit. Im not an overachiever either, but i might as well just type. We're going to light some candles in our room now. My roommate just said our room smells like shoes. . mmmmmmmm. Luckily though we bought tons of candles for our room to light and smell fresh(er). Thank goodness we knew eachother before moving in so we could plot out our room and make it sooo pretty! Alright i feel a headache coming. I think because im hungry. I ate, what. maybe 4 or 4 1/2 hours ago?? aaaaah im hungry!!! Morning seems so far away. Alright my roommate just reminded me of how frustrating it is that i just typed all that beforehand and have to do it again. thanks!!!! yes i am frustrated. stupid hand!! its because i type fast and don't pay attention to what im hitting so much. I just get sooo into this, haha. hey her vanilla candle smells better than mine. oh well mine looks prettier. Ok i need a date book. I just started thinking about the football games and when im going to go. I want one of our good friends from Chicago to come in hte weekend of the A&M game. that would be fun for him. But problem. I think thats the day after Thanksgiving. The morning after actually. Shit. My friend Jess will be in Chicago until Saturday, and I know im going to Lubbock. . But i can always drive back in time thats no big deal at all. But what to do. Because Austin honesctly doesnt compare to CHicago. So i need something fun for him to do while hes here. I mean besides 6th street because he is a club freak. But its great, because hes so much fun to go out with!! And even better, he knows everybody either doormen or bartenders or owners or all of the above. So essentially he can get us in with no problem (not like theres much of a problem anyway being girls) because all the fun ones are 21 and over. Shhh don't tell my mom I told her i stopped going to them! She found out once because of jessicas crazy parents. oooh i can't stand that. But we still continued and had a jolly time. Everyone there knows us and that we're underage. Its great. really the chicago cops, the whole town is nuts. Everyone thinks texas is laid back, which it is, but really the chicago cops really just don't give a shit. There are so many undercover cops at the doors who know us, and even ones who work outside just patrolling the streets. But they look for more trouble than just underage drinkers. Kind of funny. One night about 8 cops were leaving this really big club downtown CHicago and stopped us on our way out and started asking questions. Like hold we were and blah blah. but they were all drunk and laughing, and traveling around in a paddy wagon!! We said we were 19, we're 18 i don't know why we said that. And they asked for our numbers and offered to take us out with them. But thats just how all of them are. Its sooo weird. But unless you know people its not so easy being underage, Chicagos not a big underage drinkers fest. Which i really do think the law is ridiculous. If the drinking age were persay 18, then i don't think there would be such a huge binge drinking problem for kids when they leave to college. Because if kids are allowed to drink with parents supervision (which in IL its illegal) then the parents can monitor it and teach their kids. That way leaving for college isnt such a huge shock and kids won't get buck wild because they can drink without parents grounding them. Most of my friends parents were real laid back about that issue. All of our parents but one was kind of anal. But im glad i went out a lot in highschool and learned how the manage liquor because now i have no desire to try to get wasted and stupid like the rest of the freshman i see around here falling over themselves. Its really not that bad though. There are just a few dumb ones who arent used to it. I would honestly rather stay in my room during the week and keep up with my classes than drink a beer and get fat for no reason! Ok 6 more minutes of reading my typing. Im sorry for whoever does read this, hope youre not getting too bored. I really do enjoy psychology though, it interests me. I just wish i could have switched into an earlier class because i get out so late every day of the week but fridays!! I took a psychology course my senior year. It was really easy. We had a new teacher so she didnt know much what she was doing, but we still learned. I really wish i took the AP Psychology because they were honestly pretty much always at the same page as us and i heard it really wasnt that hard at all, which i thought the regular psychology was just too easy. At least i could have earned some credit from the AP test. WHoa listening to the fast typing sounds so weird. All of a sudden it just goes rapid fire and real fast! I feel like such a nerd. Im about to go crazy typing for the past 20 minutes straight. Ok someone keeps making noise out there whats going on. I have other work i could be doing right now!!! At least this doesnt have to be edited. That would be awful because i never do the right punctuation when it's not a formal paper. even letters to friends im so lazy. lazy americans. 30 more seconds!! this went by pretty quick though i guess. I still want to eat. I hope i can just fall asleep soon, what movie do i feel like watching? im stuck. ok im done now!!!

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so I'm sitting here. I don't know what to talk about. except for the fact that the latest mars volta cd is amazing. I especially enjoy the way they manipulate the texture of the music. its panned all different kinds of ways to where if you're listening to it in a portable cd player or anything that has a distinct sound system you can notice all these minute details that they have injected in there. any other way would require you to have incredibly sharp hearing sense. I can't believe I have a kitten now. my mom told me to take care of it and get a job to support it. I just laughed at that. is it getting hot in here? I swear. one second I'm cold and the next I'm burning up. and for some reason I'm having a hard time typing right now. I think its because of the temperature. that and lack of knowledge of what to say. my cat is crawling up my leg and meowing right now. I wonder what it is that she wants. I wonder why the mars volta decided to say now I'm lost" as the most definitive part of the chorus. its pretty great anyways. aww. the cat wants to snuggle in my lap. too cute. I'm going to have to do so much reading tonight. sheish. so many classes and concepts to keep up with. something smells like kitty litter. uggg. kitten. she needs to stop biting me. ahh. she is going to tear my sweater. that is my favorite sweater! I've been everywhere and through everything in this black sweater. I started out with it during my emo days of high school and then grew up wearing it. good times and bad, I've worn this sweater. man. I can't wait until I have my interview with saul williams. its going to be so rad. I can't wait to do research on him so that I can know about every little detail to talk about. hold on. I need to take the sweater off. great. right when I decide to do that the air conditioning decides to come on. just my luck, it always works out this way. I wonder if I could ever get my poetry published. it would be amazing to claim that I wrote a book or compiled just a whole bunch of all the poetry I've written. sometimes I get paranoid that someone's going to copy and steal it since I have it online. not a good idea rola. boy I really like this song. I wish I could write songs this amazing. I just wish my band didn't decide to split. they did it and didn't tell me. lead singer slash guitar player is the last to find out. really genuine folks. that is how life decides to roll the dice though. man, that party after the mars volta showithsaul williams interview is going to be killer. that is, if anyone decides to drive 3 hours and spend the weekend here. hopefully they will. that would be crazy. I need a band again. we need to get our dang cd mastered already so that I can play it on the radio. I need to remember to get one of joey's cds when I'm back in irving so that I can get them to play that on the radio. man, I really hope he gets signed soon. he is so talented and puts so much effort into everything he does. it just feels like he gets nothing out of everything. all the sacrifices he makes and all the time he spends, and he just ends up getting screwed over by life in the end. I wish I could make everything better. I wish I were a magic fairy who could wave a magic wand and make all of his dreams come true so that he wouldn't have to worry about anything ever again. I wish I could do that for anyone. I could pick who's deserving or not. that wouldn't be fair though since I wouldn't be deserving of making such decisions myself. dang I'm so philosophical. good thing that is my major. uh oh. I told a psychology write-up that I'm a philosophy major. I'm assured to fail now. eh. I'm so tired. I wish I could get more sleep. it was pretty nice to talk about depression today. hah. I used to be depressed. severely. I'm so glad that all of that is in the past. its nice to look back and learn about yourself. I'm such a changed person. and I keep changing. and I keep analyzing myself and noticing different things about myself from day to day that surprise me and don't surprise me. I wish more people at school knew me. I've always been the person to walk the halls and have everyone know my name but me not know anyone else's name. that is my deal. people would know me. it sucks that this college can't be like that. what? in like fifty five thousand people? you're lucky if you find your own hand in that many people. the buses are so annoying. everytime I walk up to the dang bus stop and stand in front of the doors it just leaves without me. like it knows when I'm about to come so that it can leave. that is how the buses here in austin know when its time to leave the stop. they just see me coming and its the all-time cue. that is what they teach the new bus drivers in training. if they ask "so when do we leave?" they say "when rola comes. " my head itches. press the "finish" button when you're done. twenty dang minutes is a long ace time to keep writing nothingness. its all good in the hood, I have like less than 6 minutes to go. w00t! you know. it seriously sucks that people suck. I wish people could be a whole lot nicer than they are. but what is nice anyways? gosh. we can go all philosophy on that as it is. spend like an hour and a year on that subject alone. screw it. I'm not in the mood to analyze anything. I'm just so tired. and that kitten won't quit messing with the blinds. if only I could stop typing this, get up, and stop that. she is making the blind strings look like snakes from where I'm sitting. and now the string is caught in her paw. just great. its like I'm babysitting. no, it feels like I'm a mom now. just more and more responsibility for me. but she is so cute that its worth it. man. I wish I could play an amazing guitar riff like the one I'm hearing right now. I miss playing music a lot every week. I miss being on stage. gosh I wish I had that feeling right now. ultimate bliss. no! instead I'm sitting here typing this stupid thing so that I can get credit in psychology. I better make a freaking A in this class or I'll be so pissed it will be the end of the world and destiny at the same time. if anyone read what I'm typing right now. I'm sure they would pee in their pants from how afraid they would be that a person like me exists. they're probably getting a lot weirder responses than this though. right? RIGHT? less than one minute and I'm a free-bird! and that is not a pun! whoever yells to play that at shows. dude. you're so behind on the times! that is like the oldest thing to say ever. you're just joining the masses when you submit to saying that at every show you go to. tradition or not.

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What time is it. I need to be at the house at ten. My mouth feels like the sensation you get right before you throw up. They say that Gatorade is a thirst quencher but why does it make your mouth so dry. It is so quiet right now. As I stare at my roommates applied calculus book I am lost in the colors. The bright colors formed in various shapes and sizes make a maze for my wandering eyes. I wonder what I have to write for the other assignment. God, I could really use a shower. It seems like I have been sweating all day. I wonder where my roommates are and what they are doing? My roommates are slobs. I feel as if I am in a sea of clothes as I sit here on my roommates computer. I wonder if that picture of Bevo was ever really a picture that was taken by somebody or was it all just from computers. If it was a picture that was taken I wonder what that bull was thinking. he was probably thinking how ridiculous humans are. Actually, he was probably thinking where the best area in the pasture to eat grass is. I don't like this assignment very much. I feel like some druggy. Look at the colors man, and all the shapes. I don't know. It's kind of cool to put down on paper the th9ings you are thinking.

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stream of consciousness - well, The first thing that comes to mind is why exactly do I have to do this? I know college is going to be more difficult than high school, but projects like this don't have any meaning to me, honestly. I am wondering what will become of me after my collegiate studies. I want to become a doctor but then again I want to be a musician too. I mean I have been playing the piano, singing, acting, speaking, directing bands, and performing for almost all of my life. I want to continue but a part of me is saying - You need to become a doctor because you love biology, anatomy, and physiology; you can be financially secure if you become a doctor! I want to tell myself don't worry about it and what happens will happen. I don't know what to write about anymore! I'm laughing at myself because whatever I am typing I am literally reading it out loud to myself as I write it. I'm thinking is that normal? Anyway, I'm now listening at the keys of the keyboard and the sound that they make, and I am amazed as just how fast I type without formal or informal training. I then think about how blessed I am to be here in college with the opportunity to follow my dreams, once I figure out which dream is possible or realistic. How do I know that my major is the right one? I mean, I am now a microbiology/pre-med ,major and I don't know if that's my fate. Should I be in the college of fine arts and the school of music attempting to become a vocalist which is my other dream for myself. I am looking at how long I have been typing. Only 13 minutes. The phone just rang and I had to answer it; I hate that happened because I was interested to find out what this paper would end up like if I would write continuously. What am I talking about? Well, anyway, I enjoy music and stage. I like volleyball and am very upset that there aren't any male teams in high school or college that are competitive with other schools. My contacts are bothering me; somehow I have the ability to blink awkwardly and move my contact around so that they feel somewhat more comfortable. well, I was just disturbed for about 15 minutes because one of my friends came over to ask how to install his Ethernet card. But guess what I am almost done . I just have a few more minutes. I don't what to write about. I hope that this class is going to be very beneficial. I hope to learn alot because psychology, esp. the physiological aspects really interest me. I'm wondering whether or not I will get an "A" this semester for PSY 301. Well, I'm done!

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Well, after reading the assignment I began to wonder how on earth I could track my thoughts and feelings in my mind. I mean, does the professor want some sort of biological explanation? Because I just got through about half of chapter 2 and the whole neural process. My dendrites are busy sending neurons through my axon every supermillisecond, right? Then again, I'm sure those thought processes do not include all my feelings because I do think a lot. For example, now I am debating whether I should go to dinner or not, but I can't leave in the middle of this assignment so I guess I'm going to wait about 15 more minutes. To track my mind. let's see, most of my thoughts come pretty random (at least they do to everyone around me when I think aloud) and. uh oh, my roommate is talking pretty loud to me, influencing my thought process. Not that I have an attention disorder, it was just a slight distraction like the music that's playing in my dorm room right now. I wonder how long it would take to read about 500 students' thought processeswould that start to influence your own? For some reason, every time I start hanging around a new crowd of people every few years, I start thinking like them. Is that an aspect of societal/cultural influence, or does it happen to everyone? Thinking is something that occurs all the time. For example, even when I want to stop thinking and go to sleep at night, thoughts just keep wandering in. I guess it usually comes from my visual observations during the day and the little things spark new thoughts that occur either right then or much later in the day. Oh, I just remembered I should probably save this page before anything happens to it but would that take up time in my writing process? Oh well, only a few more minutes left and then I save. I guess I'm kind of stumped as to what I should keep writing. I'm trying to explain how I think and how much I think, but the words are hard to come by. This happens a lot, though. Whenever I understand something in my head, it's hard to explain it by mouth. Some people have absolutely no problem changing these chemical messages into physical sounds, but I can totally blank on words that I say everyday sometimes. I think pretty fast, though, so maybe the time it takes to transfer from my head to my mouth is just slower? I guess since I'm writing this for a psychology class, psychological thoughts come to my head. I have a whole bunch of questions, and I usually make up my own answers to explain them but I usually find out my explanations are incorrect. Right now I'm not feeling too well: I have a stomachache and my throat is all dry and scratchy. So, I start assessing why this could be maybe it's the dirty air here that I've been breathing for a few weeks, maybe it's the water, or could it have come from my roommate who has a cold? But my stomach hurts, too. Is it the dorm food that is causing it? Is it the heat outside that is so unbearable? I wonder if it is from stomach acidity or stress? Nowadays I cannot tell if my bad health occurs from stress or from real factors. Will I ever find a cure to keep myself healthy at all times? Is there any way to be rid of stress? There are so many questions, but probably only one right answer. Who knows that answer? When will I find out? When will these 20 minutes be up? I wonder what other people are writing about. What do you think about through another person's eyes? I think I should stop asking questions and start explaining more about my thoughts and feelings but aren't my questions an explanation in itself? I think its interesting that psychology covers biology, because wouldn't that mean there is something permanent about your personality in your brain? The question of nature vs. nurture has always interested me. I've always wondered if its both part nature and part nurture that influences the way we think. Does anyone think as much as me?

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beck lost cause. juan didn't call me back. I wish he would call me. it's driving me mad not knowing why he took off without saying a word. leaving me hanging and wondering what the hell was happening and why he left me in my car thinking up of the thousands of reasons why he did such a thing. I saw a red car with someone sitting inside of it. I don't know who it was but I can only think that it is his girlfriend, which may explain why he crouched down next to my truck when he got out. like he was hiding. then unexpectedly run back to the station towards the back where the fire truck was. beagles I should call marco up. I need to give cristina a visit at cypress bend. I'll be receiving some mail from angie soon and I'll be unpleasantly surprised because I think I already know what it might be but I don't want to see it. really tired and sleepy. grace and I talked about scary movies last night because we couldn't fall asleep. I want a radiohead tshirt. nirvana. japanese art prints. art sculpture class. sore fingers. two paper cuts on my hands. I wish the dvd player on my computer worked. sean messed up my computer :( goose time goes by pretty slow yet fast. I miss my angelfish and its tankmates. church. too many asians here. I don't like it. juan didn't reply to the voicemail I left him at 9 last night. he is mad because I took off too. I needed to drive back to austin. but I'm mad too because he did the same. I only reciprocated his actions. cold allergies and this smoothie tastes pretty good strawberries. still like the peach smoothie. I was really upset and exhausted after math today. I was shaking up the white cranberry/peach juice bottle to break the frozen juice that was inside of it. I miss joyce. I wonder how she is doing in school. she must have a lot of friends. psychology class is great. never get bored. occupy time. be resourceful. help mom and dad be less stressed out. mom is sick. she wants me to go home every weekend. juan claims he wants to see me. but we're not together". I don't know what's going on with him and his current girlfriend or fiance or whatever the hell she is to him but from how he is being with me. it makes me wonder. rebecca. I had a dream with him introducing me to his girlfriend elizabeth. except her name was roxanne in my dream. she was voluptuous and desirable. it made me sad. he always makes me sad. I'm reminded of that time I went to best buy with my sister and while passing by the movie theater parking lot. I spotted his car. the metallic sky blue eclipse. I was going to get a cream/white one. o well. and so I drove in front to see if it could be his car. it was his. I am so stupid to have stayed outside at the theater waiting for his movie to end just so I could see who he went to the movies with. joyce was playing arcade. when I saw him come out. he was the first one to come out. he was with a girl. he had his arm around her and I turned away just before he looked towards me. he passed right by me and walked away with his arm around her. and I stood by the window watching them leave. I got outside too and I just got so sad. I wasn't depressed. I was simply really truly sad. she was kind of chubby though. probably because she is pregnant. if all of that nonsense was true. abortion. legal age. drinking strawberry daquiri. applebee's johnny carino's Rick. marble slab. I wish I could talk to Rick right now. talking to him briefly yesterday on my drive to austin actually kind of cheered me up after I had left the fire station in pain. my heart has been broken yet I still hang on to someone who only wants my body. I miss being held by him. I miss being hugged by a guy. jason and sean are so weird. grace is weird too yet she always brings in weird people and claims that they're weird. silly girl.

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I really want to sleep right now. I am so overwhelmed with everything that I just want to sleep. I just need a little bit more rest but a little bit more time. Time, there just ever isn't enough time. Not enough time to read, to sleep, or to study. Time flies. Time is precious. I think that people spend too much time wasting time. I didn't realize that until lately. You think that everyone will always just be there but they aren't. Time is so valuable. The time you spend with people is so precious and important. And I think that sometimes it takes losing some one through a death or some one moving away for you to realize that. I didn't. I would give anything right this second to talk to my grandma. Anything. Or to be able to have my best friend who is that the Naval Academy just give me a hug. But no I wasted a lot of time. But busy busy busy bee. Maybe if I wasn't so busy and didn't get so involved I would have time. But it is so hard to say no. It is hard to not get involved. Especially in college. Everybody needs you! They all want you to join their organization! There are just too many and not enough time! But you know I guess if you didn't do anything and then you would have excess time you would complain about being bored and wish that you had more stuff to do during that time. So is there ever a happy medium. I thought that when I got to college I would have more time. I didn't have to be in class all day and I don't have as much going on but I was wrong. Time is still the same here. So now when I am out of school I will have more time? Right? Why do I have the feeling that once again I will be let down and time will still be as short then? I will have more stuff to keep me busy. A job and maybe a family and then they will take up a huge amount of my time. I just need a break. I need a cruise. A trip to the Greek Isles. Now that would never be a waste of time. That would be a great way to spend my time. I could just lie there and enjoy the scenery and just take it all in. Or got to Hawaii I have always wanted to go to all the different islands there. I think that would just be a blast! There are lots of things that I have always wanted to do. I have always wanted to take belly dancing lessons, be in the Olympics, be able to sing like the women in the theaters, speak several other languages, sky dive, and much more. I wonder if anyone ever gets to do all the stuff that the have "always wanted to do" I wonder if there is enough time in a lifetime to do all of that?? I think that if you really wanted it you could. But I think that if you really want anything that you could. I don't like when people say they can't. I think that is just not a good word. Maybe I am just stubborn and always like I think I can I think I can! But isn't it much better going through life being like I think I can then I can't. How would that be a way to live life? What kind of fun would you have? Always thinking that it couldn't be done. I think that being optimistic is a much better way to live. That is so happy! I love it. I would much rather look on the bright side of life then be like this sucks, I hate this, I am miserable, I hate this, everyone feel sorry for me, and just be Blaaaaahhhh. That just doesn't sound like a good way to live life in my opinion. But I guess that I have just always seen the sun through the clouds. Just be happy and nice and care. That is all that I have ever wanted to do. I love to help. I think that is the greatest thing that you can ever do. Just care about someone. Does it hurt you? NO Does it take a lot of energy? NO So I guess that I just don't understand why more people don't care, and why some many people don't care. What is the point of that? You wouldn't want anyone to not care about you, so you should care for someone else. IT just makes sense to treat someone how you want to be treated. You know the Golden Rule. Well but anyways maybe people will change maybe it will just take time. Everything takes time though. But I have felt relaxed writing this. Maybe I should just write out what I am thinking more often. I kind of like this. I have no idea what I just typed but my mind is clearing. Maybe if my mind weren't so busy I would have more time?? That could be a good idea. I gave my self a great idea! Wahoo I am excited! But this does feel nice to just get all those thoughts out. I miss having my best friends to get those thoughts out to. Maybe just because my thoughts don't ever make sense to me but they could some how always just tell me what I was thinking. I mean not that they were like this is what you are thinking but more that they were like, well I can relate to that by this experience and that is when you are like YES! That is what I am talking about. That is a great feeling. When someone can help you figure out what you are thinking! Wonderful! We should do more of that helping people figure out what is on their mind. Maybe it just makes sense to them. Kind of like the whole thing how do I know that they color blue that I see is that same color blue that you see. I mean we know that we both see blue but do I see maybe your green or vise versa. Who knows? But that would be cool to know. Yeah that would.

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14

Well this weekend has been really different. I guess that's because it was the first" actual weekend that my friends and I actually went out and "explored" Austin. I know that we have been here for two weeks already and haven't "explored" Austin, but I think it was better this way. The first weekend we didn't want to go home and deal with all the emotional issues that we had dealt with just two weeks ago. It was also weird this weekend because not one of our friends was with us. She had in a way "made new" friends, which is alright with me and everything it is just that she was trusting them as soon as she heard that they wanted to go and party in Austin. What was really scary was that last night my friend went out with these girls that she has only know for a week and they went drinking at some party. I don't mind the drinking issue or her not hanging out with her old friends from high school, it's just that she was leaving Austin (the party was in San Antonio) and the driver said she wasn't going to drink a lot. I was kind of in awe that my friend left with people when the designated driver was even drinking. I feel that even if the designated driver has at least one drink than that person shouldn't drive. I guess that's what this whole college experience is all about. People are responsible for making their own decisions here. No one is here to tell them what to do and no one should. These people are adults now and can think for themselves. I also know that another reason I didn't want to or even want to go home until I really have to is to deal with the emotional issues of leaving my family, especially my mom. I know that I'm close to my father and my younger sister, but it seems that every time I talk to her on the phone or when she came to visit last Thursday, I felt like I needed to cry. I don't know why I felt like that. I know that we're very close but I really don't want to deal with that issue of me not being able to let go of my childhood and become that adult that my parents have tried to raise me to be. I also have another worry on my mind. One of my guy friends had be accepted to the University of Houston and he was rooming with my best friend's boyfriend and according to them, everything was great. My guy friend had been dating this girl for the past four months now and she had helped him move in and settle. And this past summer they had spent, from they told my friends and I, nearly every day together. Or if they weren't together, they at least had talked to each other one the phone for a couple of hours. To me that sounds kind of like they couldn't leave each other alone or trust each other but I don't know if that would be normal because I haven't really been in a relationship like that. Well to continue with my worry, according to my best friend's boyfriend, our guy friend had been kind of sad about missing his girlfriend (she is going to the University of North Texas in Denton). Every time his girlfriend would call him, he would get sad. And my best friendn's boyfriend would try and get him out of the room and go around the campus, and he would be happy, however as soon as she called, he would get sad again. And of course we all understood that him missing her was normal. Well the University of Houston started two days before we did and that Monday night our friend had been talking to his girlfriend and was mad because he had missed her. Well apparently she gave him her credit card number and he took a plane flight to Denton. And he told my best friend's that he was never coming back. What we don't understand is why he decided that. This is his first relationship and they already have given each other "a promise ring" or a "promise gift" because she gave him a realy expensive watch with a diamond in it and he gave her the ring. What my friends and I don't understand is what is going on through his head. Well my time is almost up. I have like ten seconds left so I guess that's it.

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11

We went to Barton Springs today as a sorority, and met a bunch of my new pledge sisters. I just pledged Zeta Tau Alpha, and I absolutely love it. Today, we layed out beside the pool, which really has lake water in it,and I nearly fell asleep. When I put my feet in the water, it felt like I had just breaken through the top layer of Ice, and now my feet are in the water below it, like a pond that had been frozen over. It was really neat to see the different type of people that will soon become some of my best friends. Hopefully I will have gotten a tan. Yesterday, I went to the football game and met my boyfriend and his family there. He lives in Dallas and is a senior in high school. His brother is one of the starters on the football team, so it was really neat to see him play. I sat with my boyfriend and his family, which I hadnt seen in a while. Later on that night we went to his brother's apartment and hung out. I was so happy to have seen my boyfriend. He's an incredible guy. Anyways, I could go on forever. My feet really hurt today from these little pieces of wood that were on the ground, and when I walked around with no shoes, it did not feel good. Right now, I am looking around my room and it looks so much different than it did a week ago, when I had not yet pledged a sorority. Everything I have now is zeta stuff. It really is kind of neat. I love being in a sorority. It's really a good chance to meet people and feel a sense of family even when you are away from family. Speaking of family, I really miss my family. My parents are divorced, and my dad lives in Massachuttes. My mom lives in Dallas with my two younger brothers. They miss me so much. Especially my dog, who uses the bathroom all over the house just to show us when he is mad or upset with us. My mom said that lately he has been doing that. I guess its because I left him. I always would play with him, such as throwing a frisbee and play tug-o-war. He was so attached to me it was unbelievable. Everywhere that I went in the house, he would follow. I love dogs. I can't wait to go home and see all of them. My brothers really miss me also. They don't have an older sister to boss them around anymore. My mom really misses me too. I was the only daughter, so she was very attached to me. She calls me about 5 times a day, and emails about 3. I guess as time passes by, she will get used to me being gone, but right now I don't think that she has adjusted very well. But I guess that goes for all moms when their children go off to college. And its kind of funny because I was really scared to come here. I have heard its just so big, and the sororities were so cruel. I was frightened. I had always wanted to go to A&M, because I am definitely the more conservative type, but I have amazed myself in that I absolutely love it here. Austin is such a neat town, and there is always something to do. In Dallas, we had to sit and figure out something to do on a Friday night. Most of the time, we never came up with anything. Here in Austin, there is not one night where nothing is going on. There's a ton of good restaurants and fun places to go to. Especially Barton Springs, it was a great place to go for a picnic on a Sunday afternoon. I have family down here in Austin, so it is neat to have a place to go. I feel much more secure. They are about 20 minutes away, which is perfect, because they are not too close, but they are close enough for me to drive over to whenever I get sick of the campus. My cousin, who just got back from a mission trip in the Phillippines, will be living at my aunt and uncles house next year while she is working at a church. It will be neat to finally be living in the same city as her. I have always seen her on trips and family stuff, but never have I actually been in the same place with here for more than a week. So I am really looking forward to the friendship and bond that we will be making this next year. I am hoping that my year goes good and that I can keep up with all of my classes. I am planning on going to all of them, and trying not to miss them. I also really want to keep up with the reading and stuff, so I wont be as stressed out at exam time. I am looking forward to this next year, but I know it will be a hard adjustment and a huge challenge, but I know that if I work hard and put my mind into everything, I will do great.

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I am worried about how I can save my $30 until the end of September. I need to buy 2 books and groceries and personal stuff. I am thinking that I need to find a part time job somewhere on-campus very soon. I also feel guilty about not going home to my family over Labor Day. I know I should visit them but every time I spend long periods of time with them ie. days, they really start to piss me off and then I get into a bad mood. So instead of going to visit them over Labor Day I think I am going with some friends to visit some friends in Houston. I miss my friends back home. This school is really big and sometimes I feel all alone. My classes are starting to stress me out, especially my rhetoric and composition class. I cannot write very well so I probably won't do well in that class. I feel like I'm writing in a diary which is wierd because I've never kept a diary contains all my thoughts and feelings. When I was little and had a diary I just wrote what I ate for lunch and who I sat and played with at reces or who I had a crush on. I just found a bobby pin in my hair from last night. That's kind of embarrassing, I hope no one saw it. I'm supposed to keep writing for ten more minutes but I don't really know what else to write. I have to e-mail my mom, cousin and some friends later. I hope my friend doesn't have to go to jail. No one has heard about his trial that was the other day. Maybe I'll call them later on and find out what happenned. I am so hungry. I can't wait for lunch. I son't know why I've been getting cravings for salty foods because usualy I would always look for ice cream, but lately I've had cravings for chex mix, pizza, chips and stuff like that. I hope I filled out the right pre-testing survey for psychology because I saw a button you click on in this web page, but this isn't the one that I went to. I forgot to bring a pencil with me. I wonder what my ex-boyfriend is doing now. I still miss him even though he was a big jerk and I really don't want to get back with him. I think people will always have feelings for their ex'es even long after they've broken up. I miss my sister too. We never really got along until about 3 or 4 months ago. I feel bad about never really being a nice sister. I always teased her and I knew it hurt sometimes. I wrote her a letter before I went to college. I hope she's read it. I think I've been writing for 20 minutes but I'm not sure so I'll keep writing for two more minutes. hmm. well this kind of makes me feel better to let all of my thoughts out instead of keeping most of them inside my head.

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14

Right now I'm feeling kind of stressed about school. economics especially. I'm really not enjoying that class. it is difficult and I haven't met anyone in the class I can ask for help. the only reason I'm taking this class is because I want to transfer to the business school. and if I don't like economics I'm wondering if all this work I'm doing is worth it. am I going to work really hard in economics all year, get into the business school and then realize I don't even like business? I sure hope not. the reason I chose business is because I like math and I like english but I don't want to major in just math or english and business seemed to be the right combination of both. I've also thought about opening my own gymnastics or cheerleading gym when I grow up and business would really help me do that. I just hope what I'm doing right now will pay off for something in the end. I'm also torn as to wether I want to try out for the diving team. I dove in high school part time and I thought I would give it a try in college. I really wanted to cheer for texas and I tried out but didn't make it so diving is the next best thing. I don't know though if I should concentrate on cheerleading and join an allstar squad and then tryout again next year or if I should give diving a shot to be involved with an organization at ut. I thought I was going to be happy with diving but now that school has started I'm not so sure anymore. I am really enjoying myself right now without diving. I have some free time, I'm not stressed cause I have a lot to do all the time like in high school but I wonder if diving will make me more stressed and I worry I won't have enough time to study and my grades will fall. it is really important to me to make good grades right now. I am worried I am going to get to my first test and not know anything. I feel like I'm studying right now and doing all my homework and so forth but I don't know if when it comes down to it if I'm really going to konw the information. I think I'm just nervous about taking a college test. I don't know what to expect and I think after my first test I wll be ok with everything. its just what I don't know is what makes me nervous.