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I am watching an italian movie called "respiro" it basically about a crazy woman in a little town in italy. it made me wonder what etitles someone to call another human crazy or even a lunatic. also what emotions should be those o someone different. I feel that maybe those whact in their own way are freer than those supressed bya society. why do we have to follow the same pattern as everyone else. care about politics. informed of what happens inthe world. speak two or more languages and communicate to each other and try to conprehed different cultures. wonder if the gobalization will end in making sa homogeneoussociety. will we everget to that point were we can finally agree taht we are the same. or is it gona be like the constant fighting in the middle east. were ina documentary I HBO a little palestinian boy stronly beleived that there would never be peace in his land. How can a little boy be so certain. think is incredible because I am not even certain about what I am even writting or thinking here. are soe beliefs so strong that they can't be stopped. were do they come from. if tehy are all in our minds is there a way to make them change thugh science. could we washed brains in the search for peace. probably not. I just feel such an espectator in a geat movie and not doing anything. I also wonder if ill ver be recognized at some point. or may ill just go unnoticed. I guess I already understood that you meet different peope at different times and ou will always oose contact with them and the proess starts again. so should I try o make the greatest effort in becomingtses peoples fiends or just use them for he time being and move on. my computer doesn't work and my roommates keyboard is old and the buttons get stuck. whoever reads this assignment si going to think I have horible spelling. should I care?? I care about the assignent because it counts twards my grade, but shoudl I care about the opinion in the graders head apart from them just rading it. I don't know. What to write. I guess the thought taht have been in my head the most recently. welll my best friends mom is dying of cancer. I don't know how o deal with te situation wha do you tell a friend. It made me woder what to do with my tme because I can not even imagine what would it feel like that your time si runing out. I'm not going to saysomething like live evryday to he fullest and all that hallmark stuff. but I do wonder what you think at night knowing you going to die. I don't think I would be scared of dying, but if not doing everything I wnated to do in one life time. Also believe that its incredible how many thoughts g on in our heads I could never write the all. it will take a life time.

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I hope I can finish this assignment in time because I am really stressed right now. I have a lot of stuff to do. I have to go to eat dinner at the house in a little bit and then I have to do my calculus homework. I don’t have time to sleep or anything I have been having fun but I am so tired and I think I am getting sick. I am definitely stressed out. I have to get up to go to the bathroom. I wonder if I have met the girl that I am going to marry in the past three weeks. all of this is just so overwhelming . I am in terrible shape and my body hurts all the time. I am hungry and tired and dirty, but I know that I will be okay once I can get organized and get on top of things. I need to talk to my family

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Just like everyone else's writings, I'm sure starting off with I don't know what to write is commonplace. we used to have to write like this in english last year but Mrs. williams would give us a specific topic- like "king kong" or "umbrellas". she was the coolest teacher, she really had a good time teaching our class and made sure we had a good time too. a lot of the guys took advantage of her good nature though, especially when we had to do the "hobbitt" project and austin named one of the characters "dildo daggins". that was interesting because Mrs. williams couldn't really hear them say "dildo" and wondered why the class was laughing so hard. I wasn't in that class but I got to hear all about it. I really miss all those guys, we had a pretty close group of friends because we all grew up together and went to pretty much all the same schools together. by graduation there were about 7 of us that had gone through school together since pre-k. I think that says a lot about us. there are others that I've gone to school with since elementary school too since we were all in the same advanced classes. this annoying "firewall alert" keeps popping up on my screen and it's bugging the fire out of me cause I don't like computers to begin with and I can't get it to stop. kinda like our smoke detector. it beeped for 4 days before someone would come to change it. my roommate went out of town this weekend and when she got back and came in the room she said "is that thing STILL beeping?" and she told me it had been beeping for 2 days and she kept forgetting to report it. so I went downstairs to report it and they told me no one would come until at least Monday because the maintenance crew doesn't work on the weekends. it really sucks cause I couldn't study or sleep in here because the thing beeped every 45 seconds. I ended up staying at towers with my guy friends from high school and we had a really good time- so I guess it worked out. I think I'm going to start dating their third roommate- he is from san antonio and I've really gotten to know him the past couple of weeks cause I'm always at my guy friends' place. oh yah- and the maintenance guy finally came today and fixed the smoke detector. I don't know where my roommate is, she left at 5:30 for her sorority meeting and I left for mine at 6 but she is still not back and it's almost 9. my dad called today and wants me to go to my grandparents sometime soon and shut off the hot water heater. my grandparents have been traveling in colorado since the beginning of july and when my parents came to move me in they stayed out at my grandparents (in south austin) and forgot to turn off the hot water heater. I don't understand why he wants me to do it- he could call their neighbors, which would be a lot more convenient (sp?) for me since I don't have a car. I called two of my friends to see if I could borrow their car but neither one of them picked up the phone, so maybe my roommate will take me out there later. I wish I could drive her car but it's a standard and I'm not very good at them. I got my nose re-pierced last night, chasity (my roommate) went with me. I got it done when I was in Ecuador this summer for a dollar and here they wanted $30! I wanted to scream. but oh well- it'll be there for a while. I took it out when I got home from ecuador because I didn't know how my parents would feel about it, and I know my dad's parents would shit bricks if they saw it, so I decided to play it cool and take it out when I was around my parents or grandparents, but it became too much of a hassle and I left it out too long. I really like it though- the stud it a tiny light blue rhinestone. I have a white one I got while I was in ecuador that I'm going to change out pretty soon. my roommate has her nose pierced too. I can't wait to show my brother. I called him last night to tell him and he was kinda mad that I did it without him because I had told him that I'd get it done before I left for college and that he could go with me but it just never happened. it's a big thing in Chile from girls to have their nose pierced and while we were in Ecuador a youth group of about 20 came up from Chile. I really miss Ecuador- I can't wait to go back, even though I don't speak the language very well I made a lot of great relationships. this one guy, dandle, from Chile, really had an impact on me. we still talk through e-mail daily and it's awesome to see things from his perspective. he is the person I'd most like to see again. he taught himself to speak English- he is never had a formal English lesson, and he wants to be a youth minister or music minister. I'm so impressed by his faith and his determination to educate himself. I really wish I had that mindset and determination to better myself without the help of teachers and tutors and school- but there are so many opportunities here that make it easier to get help I suppose. the time's almost up- I really didn't think I'd be able to type and think for 20 minutes but it's kinda flown by in a hurry- bye!

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Jeez, why has it taken my so long to do this assignment? Why do I always put everything off to the last minute??? Procrastination seems to have effected my whole life. Even when I was a little kid in elementary school I can rememeber putting off projects till the last night. My mom would always get mad and say you should wait till the last minute to do things, but for some reason that just never got through to me. I don't want to procrastinate. but it do. I always tell myself that I'm going to start it early, but it always ends up the same way. Is this the way it's going to be my whole life? Man, I hope not, but who am I kidding. This is the way my brain functions. Procrastination is apart of me. I love the saying, hard work pays over time, but laziness pays off now. That's like my motto. Even though I wish it wasn't. I wish I could be like those kids who when they got a project assigned in school, to run home and start it right away. I wish my brain would say, lets get all of this hard work out of the way so we can have fun and relax later. But of course the reality is my brain is saying, well since the project isn't do for another week that means I don't have to start it for another week, I can just sit back and relax until then. AAGGGHHHH! I always tell myself I'm going to change my ways, but it never freaking happens. Well I know I'm not the only one with this problem. I know most other college kids puts things off to the last minute too. But dammit, when I think about it really pisses me off. I should have written this essay last week, but no. Here I am, Sunday night, writing an essay that is due tomorrow. it's just like clockwork. I always put off studying too. I really need to study for tests in advance, but I always wait till the night before to do practically all of my studying. A lot of times I wake up early that moring and study before the test. Damn you procrastination, damn you to hell! It's going to be the death of me. I can just imagination how much better of a gpa I would have if I would just study more. Things have got to change, or I'm really going to screw up bad. Dammit. All of this writing about procrastination had gotten my thinking about my mom. I know she worries about me. She knows I always procrastinates. I wish she didn't have to worry about me doing ok in school. She didn't have to worry about my older brother. He was an A student. She never had to worry about him making good grades, because he always did. Man, I wish I had his life. His a great job now, makes a good salary, and his future is extremely bright. Now look at me. i'm a C student with and undeclared major. I really don't know what I'm going to do once I get out of college. Thinking about that scares me sometimes. Well it looks like my twenty minutes minutes are about up. Let me just say it's been fun and I wonder if anyone is actually going to read this? I doubt it, I bet there just going to check to makes sure I've written something cause reading everyones in class would take a hella long time. What's up with the size of our class? I walked into the room the first day and I was like, damn! I've never been in a class this big. I feel sorry for the people that get to class only five minutes early, jeez even fifteen minutes early and nearly 3/4's the place is already filled up. Classes just should be this book. Well I guess that's all have to say about that. see you later.

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Its like you're nothing but your social security number. I don't mind not getting the attention like I'm use to but I do miss the comfort zone. Highschool was just so easy. College is just time consuming, especially pledging my frat. I don't understand why people complain about hazing, I haven't been hurt in any way. The one thing that does kill me is the lack of sleep though. Four hours a night is not going to cut it. And there is no chance to take a nap because I have so much homework. Atleast I'm learning about priorities. I know school must come first and so far I haven't missed a class yet. I want to do good so my father will be proud. I always said I was going to take care of my family when I graduate and now its gametime. I just hope there's no overtime because this first minute of the first quarter is already kicking my butt. Everytime I just take a little step, I remember that I've got something else I still need to do. College sucks, but the girls are gorgeous. So I guess I can bear a little stress to meet these girls. I just picked up the phone and it was another salesman. I need to invent a caller-id that says somethimg better than out of area every time somebody calls. I hate these stupid people trying to sell me the national statesman. I keep getting interrupted during this thing and its driving me crazy. It seems like eveytime you sit down to do something somebody always disturbs you. But when you have nithing to do, everybody stays away. I'm telling you, this psycology class has to be a joke because its impossilbe to understand the human mindset. I can't more than 5 seconds thinking about understanding why I do something without getting frustrated. I just hope everything falls into place. I think UT should only let freshman take 9 hours their begining semester because college life is so hard to adapt to.

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words are pouring out like endless rain into a paper cup they (?). but I like to use periods. before, I was tempted to say, last night my ears met their lover. too bad they didn't. haven't? I just wanted to use that nice quote I stole from an editor of epitonic. I have an hour till I have to go to LINK but I really don't know about this whole Christian organization on campus thing I need to find one that fits me! oh thoughts and feelings sometimes I stare out at nothing in particular and it's in those times that I am thinking about absolutely nothing oh I just got a call. but I'm still typing! darn you booksellers call back after nine thirty. I wonder if typos make a difference because I don't like leaving them behind like that, so careless. So, I need to get a haircut. But how do I know which kind? You know, some people just look good no matter what. I think it's a level of achievement that I will never reach. Oh well. What if people were the same inside and outside? Like, for example, if all the pretty people were extremely good souls. Now that'd make things different. I can't really imagine what it'd be like, because I'm so busy thinking about what I should write next. Man, what should I pursue? My stomach is really full. I used to think that if I ever smoked, I could quit anytime, just because it seems so gross. Well I can't even moderate my eating habits. And I bash myself about it, but when hunger calls, I respond. In full! So yeah. Sometimes I fear for my safety when I'm walking around at night. Nothing ever bad has ever happened but I think I should still be careful. But I don't think so enough since I'm going to do it tonight anyway. I'm going to watch the Goonies at the Texas Union Theater. Theatre. Yeah. Hey. I wonder if I'm going to make any good friends here at college. It's bad hanging out with old ones all the time, and believe me, sometimes I just don't want to. Excuse me. I just sneezed. What if I do really think in sentences? I think I have a cold. My nose is rubbed pretty raw (well, not really) from all the tissues. I'm not thinking about anything. Actually, what I would like is to complete everything I need to get done soon. I don't know how possible that might be but then that would leave me time to do leisurely activities, like reading and responding to other people's e-mails. I'm so bad at that. And so I could have time to read the Bible and pray. Ah, I cannot control what I do, or at least I'm not trying hard enough. It seems so easy to be a good Christian when the pastor is talking about it but then laziness gets the best of me. Oh I can wait. You know, I don't want to think I'm invincible. I want to make a difference and experience life fully. The things I am most scared about now: public speaking. I just want to die when all eyes are on me- the bigger the audience, the more humiliating. You know, it's not like I can control how I feel, to an extent at least. I am also afraid of getting into a car accident because my close friends just did and it seems unbearable, the time in the hospital spent recovering. So many tubes. I'd cry out. And I'm afraid of falling off my bike or getting into some other bike related accident. It's not so much the pain that bothers me, but the public scene it would cause. How embarrassing. Oh well. Sometimes I don't care what other people think. Sometimes I wonder what they think of me. When I'm shy, I tend to come across as being mean. I haven't really opened up to anyone before. Why should I if I don't trust them or if I'm not sure that they care about what I feel or think. I think I'm good at observing people in their behaviors. When I'm talking to someone, I can tell if they lose interest in what I'm saying. At that very moment when they look away for a second. I don't feel bad when that happens but it just makes me lower the probability of me finding someone or some people who can connect with me. I know. People need people. And I need a tissue right now. Is this going to be read? If it is, it's okay. I don't know if my thoughts are interesting, but it would be a fun thing to grade. I feel like I'm spending less quality time when I'm reading out of my textbooks. I want to go back, but then I just get this feeling of urgency. Even when I'm surfing the net. Imagine that. What do I have to do anyway? What's the difference between an erection and an ejaculation? I think I might know, but it doesn't matter so much to me. I don't like it how professors can say whatever they want to say, like curse words and sex related and other inappropriate topics. Just because they can talk about it doesn't mean they should. Sheesh. I also don't like how repeated exposure to talk I don't agree with and cuss words will desensitize me to it completely, probably by the end of the semester. Here I am in college and I don't know everyone but a lot of them are making me less pure. I don't think they realize what they're doing to the rest of us. What rest of us, you ask? I guess we are a minority then. I wonder what I'm going to do for the final project in my freshman seminar. Either fencing, a Christian organization on campus, if I ever find a good one! or a concert. Although a concert might be kinda difficult since I'm not going to one until October 7th. Yay for Beulah! I'm so excited. When I go to shows, I feel like I belong. I don't know anyone there, but I like to observe them. Most of them have styles. I wish I had a style. I want to be like them. Or do I? I want to be like me! But, I need to be more like me then. Maybe if I had a lot more money. I do have a lot of money. What does being fashionable feel like? Not as great as I think, of course. It just hurts to see people wearing things out of fashion when they think they are in fashion. We are the elite. At least my mind can distinguish between the two. But only street. What do I make of myself then? It's easy not to care, but it's not so easy to do that completely. Will that make people like me more? Is it easy to avoid everyone and keep to myself? Is that what we were meant to do? The answer is no. What if it's different for me? Everyone dies alone, right Donnie? I think I need clothes to reach the next level. Of making me satisfied. Oh, if I had a different body. No, no. That's alright then. People who know you don't care. It's the people you are trying to impress who care! Hah. I wonder if I ever hurt anyone's eyes. It pains me to think so. Before I left for college, at the goodbye dinner thrown for me by my uncle, the message in my fortune cookie (or rather, one of them) was be yourself and you will always be in fashion. " I suppose that's valid. Ooh I can continue writing. Maybe for a bit longer. I wonder what it would be like to be very fashionable. I mean, come on, I already struggle against feelings of superiority when it comes to music. What good does it do? There are always better, there are always worse. But I won't say any more about that. You know, I can't give all of myself away and to a stranger! (ok, I finished editing my paper)_ do you think that this (spilling out thoughts on paper) is healthy for all of us? not that it's not, but compared to making no difference I think so.

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I am in the library trying to get my work done but I keep on thinking on what else o need to do. I hope I get adjusted to college life quicker so I will not be as stressed out as I am now. I am going home next weekend to see my family and all of my friends, I hope that they are all doing well. Some of my classes are pouring down on the homework and I am getting more worried as the days go by. tomorrow I have to essays due for one of my classes and I kind of do not understand them. I will be glas after I take my first tests and ace them all. Everybody was telling me that college will be hard if you get caught up in all of the other activities, so I am trying to stay focused on my studies rather than on extra things. I have been sleeping late and getting up early so I am tired for class but I have to force myself to stay awake and focus. After I am done writing this essay I have to start doing all of my other work so I can beat the deadlines and not wait until the last minute. When I get home I have to go to the gym and workout, orgainize my room and then cook myself some dinner. I have to watch what I eat or else I will put on weight and not be healthy. That will affect my studies and others. I hope that my family is doing well because I know that my mom is having a hard time letting me go to college because we were alone together for four years while my sisters were away at college. She already has a stressful life working 50 hours a week, driving home 45 minutes each day in traffic and then coming home and cooking for my sisters and me. I can just pray that she is not taking it to hard and will realize that this is something that I have to do. When I get out of college I hope to accomplish many of my goals that I have set for myself. Like having a great job that will pay me good money because of my great GPA, making a nice happy home with kids and a beautiful wife and doing anything that my family needs. I hope the relationship that I am in with this girl lasts for a lifetime because we are so good together and we love each other a lot. I am greatly attached to my girlfriend and I hope that I will be able to have her as my beautiful wife and have great children with her. I will see what happens through college and hopefully everything goes well.

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I really want to wear my new clothes tomorrow, especially my pretty pink shirt but it goes really well with my new skirt so I want to wear them together but i don't want to wear my skirt tomorrow because it might rain and I don't want to get it all dirty. So may be I will wear my red shirt tomorrow and the skirt the day after depending on the weather. Or I could wear the pink shirt tomorrow and the red shirt on tuesday and the denim one on friday or saturday then I can wear the pink shirt again on next tuesday and I'll wear the skirt with it. I don't know what I'll wear wednesday, maybe I'll borrow something from Hahn. I can't wait until I turn 18 next month then I'll be able to go clubbin on friday and saturday nights and I won't have to hang out with David and Chris' losery friends all the time and go to there parties that really suck. I want to dance and get all freaky on the dance floor like back home. Then Alan can come visit or I'll go to san Antonio and we can party. He is such an amazing dancer, and so sexy, we would have so much fun. Hopefully I will get lots of money for my birthday and I will be able to buy lots of cute clothes and look even sexier than I aready do! I can't wait for my birthday. I geuss I will celebrate it the week before with my parents when I go home for the Homecoming game, and maybe I'll go tothe dance with Ross. Then on my actual bday weekend Brandon and jonny will come up and I will party with them at some club or something and maybe they will get a hotel room so I wonthave to sneak them into my dorm room late at night because that may not work so well. Then the next week Nikki and Karla and Tina are definatly coming up and we will have good times. I guess we could say that nikki is Katis and i'll register Karla ad Tina as my guests or we could just hav a big slumber party at hanh's apartment. Speaking of slumber parties, crystal and Jessica want to come visit for my bday weekend also and I don't quite Know how that will work out with brandon and jonny coming.

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When asked to write about my subconcious it just blocked everything that was in my mind. Let me see. well today I went to this Sigma Phi Omega Rush event and that has been in my mind ever since. Everyone there was so nice, everyone was smiling and introducing themselves and it makes me wonder is that how they really are? Or are they just doing that to get us to like their organization so they can take our money? Maybe I'm being paranoid, but those people were just really very very friendly that it felt like some horror flick full og nice smiling faces and they wait for the right moment to attack. During this event they had us fill out a questionare kind of like an application. One of the question was "What quality do you have to contribute to the organization?" The thing was I couldn't think of anything to say. I mean I am not a talented singer or anything or a pianist. I am just me. Isn't that enough? Then later on they interviewes us and they taped us! How embarrasing! They asked questions that will catch you by surprise! Like "What song best describes you?" I was like ummmmmmmmmmm OH OH the first thing that popped in my mind was Butterfly by Mariah Carey. I just made up some bogus answer that it symbolizes freedom and independency. honestly though I had no idea at the time what Butterfly was about or was talking about. I wonder if they know!? Oh well. I've been debating with my friends if I should join or not because it seems like a great experience meeting new people and all. The only thing that I am worried about is will they accept me for who I am or do I have to be the typical sorority chic? and I forgot to mention. Pledging is the big secret it is supposed to last 8 weeks! and no one can mention what exactly goes on during this 8 weeks! DO we have to clean toilets or what? Maybe that is why they keep it a secret because once all the Rushees know about it they will think again before they join. Makes me wonder what pledging is all about. A lot of people think that joining a sorority is a good idea especially for social reasons. I would describe myself as friendly and sometimes outgoing, but I can be pretty shy with strangers. is that weird? It's just that some people I meet is just that I have no idea what to talk about, it is as if I freeze and don't know what to say. It is also kind of embarrasing because you look like a total fool if you don't know what to say or do especially with someone who doesn't know you very well. I think the reason why I sometimes feel that way, is that I feel intimidated and I feel really awkward. Like I do right now because I feel like I am runing out of things to say. Actually to think about it sororities do take up much time. Just to go to Rush events I have spent approximately 8 hours already and I haven't even been in it yet. It was for two organizations. Tomorrow is the party and I am not really looking forward to it because deep down inside I want to stay in my dorm and study instead of going to the Club. Lately I have been lazy and haven't been doing much but I promise myself that I will study and get the grades my parents deserve to see after all they've done for me. And if they ever find out I went to these meetings instead of study they won't be so proud. But I think one of the reasons that parents don't understand these tings, is because all they want me to do is study. I guess going and Rushing for these sororities is kind of my way to rebel. I know it sounds weird, but that is how I feel.

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that's a typical girl response I guess I still have about fifteen minutes left I tried right before this to take the pretest again. the first time I only got as far as the 27th question and it wouldn't let me continue now it says the line is busy or something like that I don't mind volunteering for experiments and I understand that experimenting is essential for the psychology students but I think that it is wrong for the department to force us to do this or they will block our grade and I have already been to mezes twice to try to sign up and there was no space left and the only space left was for males only so it's just a little frustrating I'm trying to think I don't type very well because it has been so long since I had to type anything I can't remember when I wrote an essay last my high school was a joke we only had 4 classes at a time for an hour and a half per class every day and we had finals four times a year although I usually exempted them you don't know how glad I am to be out of high school I really didn't like it there too much that might have something to do with the fact that we had 4500 students on one campus I really enjoy attending ut although I don't have a major yet everyone says that's okay but I would really like to get onto taking courses that specifically interest me I'm thinking about majoring in government with a minor in german but I might go into political science it's whatever I've so many ideas of what "I want to be when I grow up" that even includes psychology like everybody and their mom wants to do. I have about five minutes left I'm still hungry and after this I'm going to try to take the pretest again. yesterday I moved from the 12th floor of jester west to the 9th floor my roommate never showed up and this girl Nissa's roommate also never showed up so I moved into her room she's really nice and this is so weird: we are so alike she even has my birthday she lives in Missouri city which is right outside Houston where I live pretty nifty huh so we're going to go shopping and decorate our room some more it's going to look really cool I'm still hungry and I really don't want to eat that nasty jester food but I might as well because I already paid for it well not really the bill comes later this month anyway my 20 minutes is up and I'll be back here tomorrow to do assignment number two

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I finally have the time to sit down here and work on this assignment. Today was my first day of work, and it went well. I met a lot of friendly people. I am trying to type while my roommate tries to distract me, punk. What am I going to have for breakfast tomorrow? What am I going to wear tomorrow? Is it going to rain tomorrow? I really want to barbeque and have a cold one. The only class I have tomorrow is Integral Calculus, so that's cool. My arms are somewhat sore from working out right now, and my mind will not stop thinking about the steak that I want to cook. I have the A1 marinade ready to marinade my steak. The season all and lemon pepper. I'm hungry. What all am I going to have for supper? I know that I will have the steak, but should I have a salad or pasta with it or both? Often times I stop and think about how my mind wonders around from thought to thought. My friends tell me that I always just from one idea to another. My roommate is going to cook his supper. I don't think that that is some sort of 'disease' or illness, I believe it's just that my mind thinks a lot. Will I be rich and have the house that I have always wanted; Will I have the money to retire early in life and buy that house on the lake for my father. That is my goal in life. To retire early. I want to be retired at the age of about 35 so that I can repay my parents for everything that they have done for me. Man, this time thing is going soooooo slow. I'm on 6 min and 10 sec. I know after this assignment I plan to have dinner and do some dishes, but then what am I going to do? I have the option of working on work or ironing, sleeping, calculus. so many options. what to choose. The weather is awesome right now. A nice cool breeze is blowing through with the rain. I wish I did not have to work on a damn apple computer at work. I am capable of functioning on the MacOS, but would much rather use a pc. 8 mind 15 sec. I wish I would have had time to have seen some of the documentaries on TV today about sept. 11. O well, my parents are planning on visiting me this weekend. My mom wanted to see me and my aunt wants to come up to do some shopping. That means that I am going to have to wait until next weekend to go out to Lake Travis if I get the chance to. I know. I'll eat, shower, do my work, calculus, then sleep. When I wake up in the morning, I can do some reading for mythology and MIS 310 maybe. Na, I'll finish the cal since it will be do tomorrow night. I need to get that done, but I knew that I had this assignment to do first, so I decided to take care of this. Who decided to name a bottle Captain Morgan's Parrot Bay"? I feel like watching The General's Daughter. Good movie. I wonder. hopefully a girl I met at orientation and I can get together sometime when we are away from school. We've been tied up with a lot lately. She is beautiful, nice, funny. and so on, but no relationships for me for a while. I feel that I need to enjoy myself right now. Now the time seems to be going faster. crazy 12 min. 50 sec. That food that my roommate is cooking has an awesome aroma, and that damn lightening. better not mess up my computer because that would piss me off. I don't know what I am going to do for spring break this year. I think I should go out and enjoy it and party again at South Padre Island. actually I would only like to go there if I can DJ there. My friend and I were super close to DJing during this past spring break, but I would rather go to Mexico or something. Crazy how so many college students travel countless hours to go to a beach during this time. I understand it's a lot of fun and all, but for me. I lived an hour away, so I took my computer and bumped some jamz while I was out at the beach. I remember being on the balcony, pretty smashed, and looking at the waves roll in. The hotels lining the shoreline and nothing but a beach view, it was great. Then at some place called Tequila Frogs, some crazy chick from New Jersey jumped into the hot tub fully clothed and took some off. Girls Gone Wild was going to be there. U know, I think it's stupid that the beaches are getting tougher on underage drinking during this time. I understand that they want for people to be sage, but if they don't take their economic situation into consideration. they are going to loose a lot of people. I was reading the paper one time and it reported that South Padre Island lost a great deal of spring breakers. I'm sure partly because of the tough laws. They could make so much more money if they created a SEMI safe environment. but let people have some fun. It's like 6th street. punks are extremely strict on underage drinking, but I know the law . whatever 19 minutes. almost out of time. sorry. My steak is waiting for me. and I am tired. Still trying to think of what to have for breakfast tomorrow. I'll think of something. well. think everything is planned out. Can't wait to party this weekend and all. it'll be cool.

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6

Why am I doing this assignment? I do not want to be here? I think I want to go to sleep. I wish Greg would shut up so I could do my homework. When I play basketball I wish Dustin would pass me the ball. But he never passes the ball so why am I complaining. My wrists hurts because the keyboard is in the wrong position. But I will not say anything because this is not my computer. I hate this keyboard because the keyboard is sorry. I wish I could go to sleep. But then again I never sleep. I wish Dean would get out of this room. Why did I come here? I wish I stayed in Houston. Dwan needs to leave now. But he will never leave because he is going to sit down and talk. Kind of like what he is doing know. I hate this song . They play this song way too much. When are they going to leave. I wish Greg would turn off his computer and stop playing the music. I wish this assignment could be shorter but then again the is homework so it is not supposed to be fun. I wish I brought my own computer but I don't care. Greg needs to shut up. Greg is talking to one of his many girls. He has so many that people call him the mack. The computer is going to be burnt out by the time I am done with this assignment. Greg better leave or I will have to beat him up. Luckily Greg left so I do not have to beat him up. I think my friends listen to more Korean music then I do. God I wish I could get off this computer but I have to stay on here for a while. The reason is because I have to study for my chemistry quiz tomorrow. Hopefully it will be easy because I do not know what is going on in that class. I need to go talk to the chemistry department about switching my chemistry teachers. Hopefully they will let me because I have no clue on what is going on. Today I ate some lunch around eleven o'clock. Yes the food was nasty because it was from Jester. I think they intentionally make the food here disgusting so that we will stop eating and study more. But I don't think so because everybody winds up either working out or playing basketball. I wish they would turn off this music because sound gay. Anyway when is this assignment going to end. I really need to go study for my chemistry class. I just need to type for about ten more minutes. I wonder who this song is by? Then again why did I care it is stupid. I need to talk to someone but I lost their number so I guess I won't have my blanket. I need to find that guys number but I lost it so I guess I will never find it. I hate HOT I think they are gay . So I do not know why Dustin is listening to it. I wish I could take these speakers and just break them because they are so gay. Why doesn’t he listen to some other music that sounds better. I wish I could go back home and drive my car. I miss driving my car. I got a Honda Civic. It is silver and it is all mine. I am thinking about bringing it up next semester. I wish they would turn this music off but then again why do I care. I wish they would play some Tupac or Snoop. I have two more minutes. I wish the two minute would go by faster. I need to get some carpet for my room . I'm thinking about switching my major. I might go to business or I might just stick Psychology and try to go into physical therapy after I finish college. I have one more minute left and then I am done. Toad is stupid. I hate Puff Daddy this song is sop overplayed.

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7

ok, at this very moment, I'm am in pain, emotionally. Yesterday, I had a bad experience. I saw my best friend kiss the girl that he knew that I had a certain attraction too. It really really hurt, but I have gotten over it. I can't really get mad at either one because first of all, we meet the girl at a club on Saturday night/ Sunday morning and two, my friend is a little more wild and social so he was talking twice as much than I was. The girl called me herself last night, but I told her that I didn't want to talk to her anymore because I had lost interest in her. As for my friend, he told me that he was really really sorry, yet he hasn't come up to me yet to show his forgiveness. I'm ok with it, I just don't understand how something like this could happen. I'm in question though, I don't know if I should be mad or not? I think of one way, which is that I shouldn't let something stupid like this ruin a long, good friendship between my friend and I, or, if it was right to begin with that my friend kissed the girl that I liked after I had told him that I liked her. N E ways, good thing its all over and I'm moving once again with my life. I try not to let this things interfere with my everyday school life but at its impossible to keep them apart. For example, I could not concentrate all day yesterday because I was thinking of what had happened. I didn't read, I didn't do my homework, which is a very very bad thing. The good thing though is that I got over it and I'm back to normal. I guess its just one of those weird once in a while incidences. Today has been a much more productive day then yesterday. I went to go see what color band I would get for the ticket raffle of the Texas vs. OU game. Unfortunately, I got the pink band, which is the least likely to have a chance to get a ticket. No worries, I wasn't really planning to go to that game, I just went to get the band because two of my friends asked me to go get it. I have a glow in the dark stars type of theme here in my room. I had never had the chance to have some in high school, so I finally did in college, and I just noticed that one of the very big stars fell off and is on the floor. I am looking at it this very moment, wondering why I'm not getting up and putting it back in its place. I also have the glow in the dark feet. My roommates, who are like really cool back from home friends say I'm a dork for having the stars, but none the less, I could careless on what they have to say because I think they are dorks too, haha. I see some dirty cloth on the floor and in that pile of clothes is my work shirt with I just happened to remember that I need to wash because I'm going to work tomorrow. Dang that a nice car, I just saw a blue BMW pass by, very very nice car. Tonight, my roommates and I are finally going to go shopping for groceries. Its been a while since we have gone to buy food. Another thing I just remembered is that I need to clean the kitchen, its my week and I have to clean the pig sty (kitchen). I got a ticket to go to the Texas vs. Arkansas game and I hadn't realized that it was this weekend. My roommates and I were going to go home this weekend, but I can't go anymore. They are still going, but I'm not. I'm kinda sad because I wanted to go see my little nephew and stuff, but there is nothing I can do about it now; I'm stuck here in Austin. I told my mom about the situation and she got kinda sad, but I told her that it'll mean more the next time I go down. Typical hispanic mom, she told me that I should of not made any other plans if I knew that I was going home, but that was the catch, that I didn't' know that the game was the same day that I was going to go back home. So what is going to happen is that I'm not going to go home after all and I'm going to the game with my friends. I just remembered that I was going to ask one of the TA's where SEA is, but guess I'll just have to figure that out on my own. N E ways, my 20 minutes are almost up, after this I'm going to hit the sack and take my usual 1:30 nap and wake up, clean the kitchen and go buy food. c-ya

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I'm sitting in a library waiting for my chemistry class to start and I just thought of a comment placed on the psychology bulletin board that referred to how people see light and if it is different from person to person. If you think about it, the only way we have to reference a color is by what we have been taught what it is. If I see green for what you see as red, how would we know the difference? This desk is sure filled with a lot of profanities, but not as much as the bathroom on my floor of Jester West. Oh, isn't it fun to live in a dorm, my roommate never sleeps, does homework, but he does eat, all the time, including my food from the fridge. The best part of the dorm was getting kicked out at 8 AM so they could install a fire sprinkler system, this building is a lot older than me, why did they wait this long to put in sprinkler systems? Did they do some sort of statistical analysis to determine it is about time for a fire, that it pretty scary. Wow, I've only been typing for ten minutes, this is going to be pretty long. Lets talk about something. Like. well I don't know, hey, it sure was hot last week. I've lives in Texas all my life, but that was still pretty hot, for September. I lived in San Antonio and saw snow once in my life, that was when I was six or so and people say it sometimes snows in Austin, I am starting to find that hard to believe. It's weird living in a smaller city, when I have to drive across town, you think this will take a hour, but it only takes about 20 minutes. The guy next to me keeps looking at me, it's starting to freak me out. I never knew I could put so many commas in a single sentence, the grammar checker in Word in putting little squiggly green lines all across the screen, hey it kind of' looks like my rhetoric paper's first draft, and the second. I don't like that class, why oh why do we have to take it? Well my 20 minutes it about up and I need to start heading to my chemistry class with a teacher that doesn't speak English very well, but it not hard to understand him, well at least I stay awake while tiring to decipher him.

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Right now I am thinking about my girlfriend and what she is doing. Why is this guy behind me being so loud in the study center. I almost forgot how to spell "center. " This guy is trying to be as loud as possible. What is going on tonight? I sure do have a lot of homework. Why doesn't this guy get a megaphone so he can be even louder? Shut up Please! I hate this kid. Why is this girl laying on the couch doing her homework? I had fun last night. I wonder what my roommate did. This guy is really pissing me off. What the hell is his problem? I swear to everything that is holy if he does not shut up I will make the next four years of his life a living nightmare. What is my friend Jeremy doing right now? This is boring. Not hard though. This seems so stupid of a time. It's only been five minutes I still have fifteen more to go. What classes do I have tomorrow? SHUTUP ASSHOLE!!! I have Calculus and English. One hour classes not too bad. I am tired. I am going to take a nap later. I am getting tired of writing. Getting sleepy. What is this guy next to me doing? This guy that walked in is a real dork. I wonder what he did last night. Only ten minutes to go. This jerk is moaning out loud now. What is he thinking? I am going to kill him. This guy's headphones are way too loud. I am hungry. Why? I just ate. I am getting tired of waiting. This is boring. Only eight more minutes that I have to listen to this inconsiderate bastard. That guy wants that girl. I am through now. I am going to my room to sleep.

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22

It is quiet in my room, Josh is asleep and all I hear is the fountain that I bought at Sam's gurgling and trickling in the background I wonder if it will ever break, no it probably won't because it has a one year warranty the room is cold all of the day except for right now when it is hot outside and warm in here why doesn't the school let us have our own a/c units it is a pretty neat school though, I can't wait until I see my girlfriend, it kinda makes then end of the week have some meaning to me for a change, I don't think I talk that much on the phone, I think it's more like ahh I really don't know, but it's not that much when I type, the fountain's sound kinda melts into the background, and I almost forget that it's there, and then when I stop it comes back again, I guess my mind focuses on the clicking of the keys, and once they stop, then it tunes in to aural noise it's only been 8 minutes and I feel like I've been typing for a really long time, I wonder if the kids who were putting up a fit about having to use the computers for this assignment are actually going to do it, my mom's that way about computers, it's not so hard to get a hang of, besides, it beats writing on paper for sure I think I need some more paper for the printer and then a new computer and a guitar I hope I win the lottery so I can buy the computer and the guitar, I think I can swing the paper, though man, they weren't kidding about poor college kids, I never thought I would actually be subsisting on 6 hours of sleep and those damn Ramen noodle cups that I'm sure are poisoning me even as I speak or rather type, but at least they aren't as poisonous as Jester food I think there was some human in that burger I just ate, my stomach knows for sure what it ate, but I just can't figure out what it is maybe I should order Chinese food and hope fully there won't be real Chinese people in it because that would probably upset my stomach too I really don't like people who eat people but I dislike people who eat tarantulas even more, that was so gross seeing them on the sticks at the natives roasted them over the fire actually, I like the Discovery channel quite a bit, it sure beats the dumb talk show about love triangles between a man and two dogs of different sexes that type of stuff pollutes the airwaves much like a sort of flying landfill I wonder where all the trash is going to go in the near future, I think they should make the criminals eat it or recycle as much of it as they can I think my room puts out more coke cans than the entire state of Texas but at least we recycle them back home I get money for doing it but here I just get sticky fingers and a desire to drink another coke I wonder if you could put a pool table in here, that would be cool and so would a tiger, I always wanted a tiger, one of those black and white bengals but I would have to get it fixed and declawed and maybe dull it's teeth or something I think if I had one then nobody would complain because it is a tiger after all, and I could say sic-em and the tiger would bite off their heads or something now I really wand a tiger, but I would settle for some neons in my fish tank, I wonder where they are sold. . . .

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My name is jon krebbs and I forgot my code I'm really sorry my roommate wants to know what this paper is about I answered "stream of conscious no I'm thinking you dumbass and damn that tool in the background sounds awesome. I wander why I'm so forgetful? probably all the smoke. let me see hear this is my day off oh my god cole just let out a crazy yell from his back he strained it wow manard g I feel really light headed this is awesome cole is on the ground wow he is trying to get up "are you alright fool?" I ask I been crawling on my belly wow do I delusions? cole wants his matches I say get em I got to keep typing this paper wow I home they except this even though I don't have my code with I live and grow will I be paranoid this is awesome. so anyway live or to lie that is the question earlier this morning my mouse trap I set owned a mouse in the side or the head cole s phone rings welcome to atlanta andyway the mouse was just laying there and I felt like wow that poor bastard my phone is ringing one sec its joe he is at the daoroorawww hist this is nuts anyway back to the topic the mouse was making all kinds of squeaky noises dying and I thought what if there are some mice in the afterlife that trap us that would suck I probably won't set another trap I look at joe wow red headed we are going to game soem counterstike I know it I'm thirsty 'gulp' water now that is something you take for granted talk about taking that away from someone they get a little antsy I feel like I appreciate most of my life sometimes I feel a little guilty about being a son but its ok I think it will go down for me like that wow no music! this sucks kazaa lite yes the grudge wow. honestly there was like 2 seconds just then I didn't think about anything wow so I wander what all those girls in my class are like some of em look good coles back is killing him I see the grimace in his face 'toke' where is it ? humble hahaha to be humble somebody told me that was the highest form of pride and aint that the truth I brag about my shit it I know its someone that can be shot straight I wander why there is so much depressing in the world haha that was just for you I know why its cause in america at least we know longer have the preoccupation of thinking about SURVIVAL like what we are going to eat you know what I mean controlling let this go so yah if people would not be so strange I feel a little young I mean change PLEASE DON'T TAKE of points from my grade maynard is yelling someone signs on aim maybe its a friend a good friend what am I going to do tonight I wonder ? my brother imed me

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22

I am watching the news and there is this story about these fisherman that are lost at sea. They think they are out there because they found coolers with their shoes attached to them. I hope that they find them. They are actually talking with the coast guard and he says they might end the search tomorrow? How can that be? How would you just stop the search for someone in one day? There are so many times that I wonder how people can be so insensitive. I myself am one of the most sensitive people you'll ever meet. I cry at sad stories, I cry when I'm extremely happy, I am compassionate about my work with children and basically I take every thing to heart. I want to work with children more than anything in the world. More than money more than riches more than just about everything. I tutor these two little boys 4 days a week and this will be my second year. I love to help other people not just children. I find my happiness in seeing someone else smile. My boyfriend goes to Texas A&M and I see him like every three weeks. It was his birthday and his family really doesn't celebrate it so I bought him all this stuff for his bday. He was kind of mad cause I spent about $100 and he knows that I don't really have a lot of money because college is really expensive! I don't care though I always put the people that I love before myself. I am letting my really good friend Bryan borrow $500 for his last tuition payment. It is in my savings but I can wait for that until later because I save my money like crazy. I used to work at the Pflugerville Rec Center and tutor, so I have a lot of savings. I am such a nurturer it would make you sick. I like to take care of people. My roommate is a little wild but I watch out for her. I don't drink and she does so I always tell her to call me if she needs a ride. I brought my grandma down to see my dorm, she lives in Austin. She remarried this guy named Joe who is a million times nicer than my real grandpa. They were so happy to see me and see where I live. I love my family and I can't wait to have one of my own. If you were to ask me what my ultimate goal in life would be, it's having a family. No divorces, no hatred, no real trouble for my family. I'm already saving money for my kids college so they don't have to pay for it like me. I'm not paying for everything but a lot. My parents send me on this guilt trip that money is tight and all this crap when my dad makes over $100,000 a year. I applied for financial aid and scholarships but didn't get any. I did get $7,000 loan that helps so much! I am so happy when I think about my future. My boyfriend will be my husband because he is my soul mate. We have been best friends since 6th grade and just started dating a year ago. He is really smart and is majoring in mechanical engineering, but he is really shy and had a hard time adjusting to college. He doesn't drink and everyone around him does. I am not shy or anything like that and I try to help him to not be also. I went to visit him and he has completely changed and is not shy anymore. I am so proud of him. He would call me and be sad and I would cry all night long. I didn't get into A&M but did into UT. Go figure my credentials were great. I love my life God has sent me down the right path. My blood has officially turned orange and I hope that it stays that way. Thanks for listening to my thoughts. I should do this more often I feel less tension and happy.

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Here I am doing psychology homework. I should be watching late night television. Conan is just now coming on I missed all of Letterman. Letterman is the best late night talk show personality. I need to call Tasha, I wonder if she's still out she has that 12 o'clock curfew. Is the time zone the same here as it is in Mississippi? I'll have to ask her when I call . I hate typing I'm not very good at it but I've had a lot of practice lately since I've started E-mailing frequently. Yes Only thirteen minutes left. I feel sorry for anyone who has to read this because it is a very jumbled stream of consciousness. Tomorrow I have to get up early for Calculus. It stinks that my earliest class is the one that is the hardest to sit through anyway. I don't like Tuesdays (or Thursdays) for that matter because I have to get up early and don’t get back from rugby practice until after nine or so and then I 'm too tired to do anything else but sit around moan and watch TV. Eight minutes left I'm over the hump. the view from my room when the moon is full reminds me of Van Gogh's Starry Night with the tower lit up and all, it helps if I have my contacts out though. everyone I know has gone out and partied this week except for me . I wonder if doing this at midnight counts as tomorrow for turning it in . Because I'll probably try to do the other assignment in about twenty two or twenty three hours. my wrist is starting to hurt I wonder if it's from typing or if it's from falling on it this weekend. I need more posters for my side of the room to brighten it up because its kinda boring. Oh yeah I just ran out of my twenty minutes but I'm still typing I think Lucky Charms brainwashes little kids into thinking that they are eating something special by changing the size shape and colors of their marshmallows al the time.

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17

Man this week has been hellish. Anyways, now it's time for the 20 minute writing assignment. I'm pretty exhausted at the moment, and have a lot of studying to do tonight. My eyelids are pretty heavy, my hair damp. I just got out of the shower because I was working out. I think I have developed a pretty noticable case of ADD (attention deficate disorder) from various substances. It's difficult for me to keep writing without my mind wandering. My friend just walked in the room talking about some funny asian kids next door to us. Now its going to be even harder to concentrate. He just said the word tit. It's such a funny word, I'm sure you would agree. My mouth tastes like butt, I need to stop smoking cigarettes. Crap, I just looked at the time and realized I didn't record what time I started at. I hope this thing is timing it for me. "Simply type continuously, tracking your thoughts and feelings for the entire 20 minutes. " My thoughts are scrambled. So much to soak in, so much going on. Individual words strike up new emotions about various subjects. My friend said the word mom, I thought of my mom. I don't want to go home and probably wouldn't except for the fact that my mom misses me so much. I keep getting distracted by music that I'm playing, it's probably not best to be listening to it while working, but this is an informal assignment (if I remember correctly) so hopefully I'll be fine. I can't wait for tomorrow to be over and the weekend to begin. The band I'm listening to is called The Roots, they'll be playing next weekend at ACL. I'd really like to see them there, they are a really good and well known hip-hop group. Tix are 80 bucks so its doubtful ill be going all 3 days, maybe I'll just get a one day pass. I could also meet a lot of people at the ACL fest (hopefully). I feel kind of lonely at the moment, I thought I would have made a lot more knew friends here at the university by now. It seems to me that most people are still hanging out with their friends and clicks from high school, kind of lame in my opinion. I hang out with my roommate and another friend from high school, most of the time the latter. We go out and attempt to seek out other people like us, whom we find unique or "cool. " One major complaint I have about the people here is that it seems like everyone is still trying to prove themselves. Just like high school, except more facial hair. I might just be depressed and seeing everything in a negative light, but at the moment it all seems logical to me. My friend just came back in the room. He's cool. We're going to go study chemistry as soon as I'm done with this assignment. Man I need to stop chatting on the internet, my typing is really horrible. I keep forgetting to capitalize letters, and I keep spelling things incorectly. Like I was saying, it's a pitty that everyone here seems so fake. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of people that seem really interesting, but at the same mind it sickens me how everyone conforms to certain styles and clicks. god damn, grow up people. Everyone's trying so hard to get laid. Please don't grade me down. I can't help but writing about this crap, it consumes me. Writing this actually hasn't been hard at all. Right now I'm feeling a little more relaxed and lighthearted than I was before writing. it might be a good idea to start writing regularly. It could be good for me, and I think it's cool when people do things like that. I love writing, but not necessarily structured writing. I wonder how long it's been. My whole body is tired, man I'm lonely. I need a girlfriend! Party's are NOT a good way to meet girls here, stupid sluts just looking for a good time. It seems like there are less people here like me than I thought there would be. I was expecting a more mature student body. Don't get me wrong, I like partying, I love getting drunk, I love having fun. I don't know where I'm going with this. It just seems people here are kind of stuck up on themselves, and not as intelligent and interesting as I thought they would be. Oh well, we all can dream.

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It is 2:20 on Wednesday the something. I never remember the date anymore since I quit my job this summer. I think it is the 2nd now that I think about it. Anyway, I guess I will be writing until about 2:40. that gives me a little time left over until I have to go to Psy 301 today. I wonder what the movie will be about. I really hate sitting in class for an hour and a half strait. What really stinks is that all my classes are like that. Except my Calculus discussion class. It is only 50 minutes long a day, two days a week. I just got out of that class. My TA in there is really boring. He reminds me of a Seinfeld episode. The one with the low-talker. I don't really watch Seinfeld, but I saw that one. He is extremely dry too. He stands in front of the board when he writes, and that makes it extremely hard to see what he is doing. Sometimes he even erases stuff before the class even gets to see it at all. Some teachers just really stink like that. Other than that 100 minutes a week, my classes are going pretty good. I have been writing for 7 minutes now. Whoever is reading this (if anyone is at all) will have to trust me. I am not an ultra fast typer, so the form might not be as long as some students, but I guess it isn't the size that counts. :-) I am at a loss for words now. My roommate would love this assignment. He can talk forever. I have know Aaron (my roommate) for nearly 6 years now. It is weird that we are still friends. He is so moody all the time, I never know how to act around him. He is great and all, but it is like living with a women who is constantly having her period. Serious mood swings. He is gay, so I guess it is kind of like living with a women. I'm not gay though. Here is a question. You decide whether or not this is fair. the University of Texas at Austin thinks nothing about letting two homosexual partners (male or female) live in the same room with one another all year. UT doesn't have one problem with that. However, they get all pissy when my girlfriend is in my dorm room after 11:30 on weekdays, and 1:30 on weekends. Tell me the logic of that. Please. Someone tell me the difference between me and Aaron having sex all night long (not going to happen though) and Kristen and I having sex all night long. Not even sex. Just sleeping in the same bed. Tell you what, not even sleeping, but just talking with one another. I am not a sexaholic yet anyway. Does that seem to bother anyone else but me? I guess I found a few words. It is 2:35. Kristen and I have been dating for nearly 6 years now. I have only had one other girlfriend in my life. We started dating in Junior High school. Man! It hasn't even seemed like that long. We were engaged for a short period of time last year, but since then we have decided to back up to "dating" again. It was her decision really. I wanted to get married this Christmas break, but she had a change of heart. We are still going to get married, just a little farther down the road. Well, I suppose that that is my 20 minutes of streaming. That flew by rather quickly. This was a good idea on your parts. See you all in class. Louis A Barrow III

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18

Two people, both human in their thoughts--both flattering and otherwise--probably can tell what the other might be thinking yet they refuse oh, fuck it, this is a boring fucking topic, let's move on. She flew in front of the rushing, in front of the huge tidal wave that sucked up the ocean and spat it out like a great hydrant unleashed. Everywhere were sparks of water drops, falling all around as if the sky had let some of its most prized stars fall to the earth for a short while. Pumping harder and faster in and out of the water like the wheels of a railroad made of air and invisible fire that could burn. So quickly was the pumping that the body never knew exactly when it was in water or air but letting the mind rest so that it didn't have to think about the possibility of its limbo state. Higher, faster, higher, faster, stretch, stretch, stretching for something with the next heave. Perhaps beyond this star-surrounded existence there was something more, something past the huge roaring of a thousand waves chasing. If the body could just stretch a little more, jump higher, breath with the vigor that said "what's next?". something might answer back. The sun would set itself on the sheet of a mirror made of those drops of stars and welcome the body and the attached mind into the core of-- of what? Faster still, plunge, plunge, plunge to the rhythm of the thousand and one gadgets held somewhere between the awkward wave machine and the diving body. Maybe the answer was somewhere behind the body, maybe if it would just stop long enough the gadgets would swallow it up, the flat cold would open its innards and let the body know that all the time what it was leading was the salvation, the euphoric "YES!" it was looking for. But too much of a chance, the gadgets were probably chasing after the sun just like the body was. If not then why was it always following the dolphin forward. The dolphin continued its unceasing breath. Felt the crash, the massage, the spank, the kiss of the sea as it plunged under once again. Where was the sun? Why didn't it show itself? Faster, faster, enjoying to the fullest the sound of a thousand gidgets singing in a rhapsody of mixed chorus like the sound of the wind against the leaves and sand of those strange dry places where creatures coo and lie in the sun. Chasing the sun; if only the dolphin could call it. The dolphin was sure it didn't see it now. A few bleating cries, mixed with loneliness and bittersweet joy, the loneliness from being just behind the gears that all shared in their lives together and worked as if one, the joy of those drops, those thousand, star-filled drops that seemed too beautiful and quick to stay on the mirror waves long. The joy too, of feeling the waves rush up and pull and then give and pull and give all the while trying to stay just above, just beyond, further and further away if only to KNOW. For if life chasing the sun proved this-- this-- MUCH; this fullness that almost filled the body and the attached mind until it could almost hold no more except for that damn persistent hole that often slid part of the fullness down, then can one imagine what life in the sun might prove to be? Bathed in the stars that only manage to peek out every once in a while in the disguise of sea foam? Full of that diving feeling without having to take rushed breath? Part of those lucky gadgets that can never envision loneliness because they are constantly surrounded by the humming that they make together in chorus? The sun is slipping now, disappearing too quickly, lungs almost tear in the attempt to keep up, tail flipping sporadically, waves going by so fast they feel like hot coals searing the flesh. No, no, no, NO! Gone now, a last sliver to leave in the mind of the dolphin to remind the body tomorrow, if the sun comes down to gather up its star-drops, of how close it came and how one day it would find a shortcut, a way to escape the in between limbo that held just enough splendor to incite the imagination. Deeper now and beside the humming gadgets who now are singing a softer chorus, like the cluck-cluck of a mother to child to soothe it to bed. This was the best part of the day, the calmness afterward, the coolness, the memories and the dreams. "Hey dad?" "Yeah?" "Why do dolphins swim in front of ships?" "Hmm, I dunno'" "They're beautiful, huh?" "Yeah, they sure are. " "I love the way the sun reflects off their skin. " "Yep. "

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25

I havent really decided what to write about. so many things are going on in my head all the time it seems like I could write for a very long time. I do that though, I have a journal and its handy. I like to go back and read what I write and think to myself 'what an idiot'. its a learning experience really, and I hope more people use journaling to express themselves. Some people use online journals which at first I thought was odd because I write personal stuff in my journal. I wouldn't want the internet world to read all that. but then I started reading my friend's online journals and actually started one myself. Katie calls me a follower but she is a conforming nonconformist in that she claims she's not starting one because everyone else has done so and she'd like to be different. That reminds me of George, he is the classic conforming nonconformist. he hates anything anyone likes and loves anything anyone hates. especially lauren. their relationship is odd in that way. George makes a point of emphatically disliking something just to spite the rest of us. he is an interesting person to study. I am always observant but observing him is just interesting. he's like a girl and I swear he has PMS. we went on a trip to kentucky this summer and he decided he didn't want to go to the lake with the rest of the group (david and I didn't want to either) so the three of us stayed in the condo and played golf actually. but then the next day, he still didn't want to go and he made a big scene about it and then got all huffy when we Couldn't decide on a thing to do when it started raining and the lake was deemed a bad idea. he just left. he drove off in one of the two cars we had and was gone for a long time. the funny thing about chris is that he wants you to think he's cool. so he'll do and say things to seem cool and crazy. he went to a grocery store and was talking to some local teenagers and claims he was invited to go hang out with them that night. I don't know if I belive him but I really don't care. the point is that later he claimed that he 'might' go hang out with them like he was mr. popular. of course he wasn't really and the way to deal with him in his pouty state is to ignore him or somehow let him know that you don't care. He is such a confusing boy. I mean, they're all confusing but he takes the cake. having liked him before, I knew what I was getting into the last time. and the time before that. his biggest relationship flaw is that he is so flaky! so now I feel bad like I'm just judging everyone I know. grr. that's a noise I make, I make many of them. I make many faces too. at work john laughs at me because I can't control my expressions. especially if someone says something dumb. I just can't hold it in. my moms the same way. I wonder if that's learned or inherited. anyway. speaking of mom, my parents moved to florida in feb. and march. it was ok at first because I was of the opinion that I was getting an apartment so I wouldn't be living with them and wouldn't see them much anyway. but man I was wrong. I visited them in may and felt unusually emotionally detached. while I was there dad did the same annoying things he's always done, not listening, asking questions I'd just asked etc. drove me nuts. but now I miss them a lot. I was listening to Avril Lavigne and she has a song called nobodys home. and I realized that I have no where else to go. this apartment is my home now and man that's depressing. the kitchen is dirty, the floors are dirty, we need to steam clean, lauren and katie are bums and it took them 4 days to clean out MY cooler from saturday which now reeks because they left food in there to soak. people would call this bitterness. I like to claim that at least I'm expressing an emotion instead of keeping it all inside like I tend to do. I took one of those personality surveys online the other night because neal showed me the website. it said I was an ESTP? I think. anyway, part of it said that I would tell people what I think. I don't know how correct that is because I am usually the person with enough tact to not say mean things and well pretty much ALL my friends will say crap. Jill is the most tactless, when she and sean got together I was quite angry. and still when I think about it I get angry at her. why not at him? I don't get that. but when I typed his name I accidentally wrote sew. I am thinking about buying myself a sewing machine because I keep thinking of things. like today as I walked across campus I was thinking of different shirts and 'textiles' to make. I've wanted to do stuff like that for a while but I just. didn't. and now, even though I'm busy with papers to write etc, I really want to get creative. Lauren's sewing machine is here still but it didn't work very well. I can't remember how badly it ran but I should probably check that before I buy one. I don't know how much they'll cost either. I think $150 at walmart? but I don't want a plastic one. I'm sure I could break it and I'd rather have machinery than plastic. I think I should inheirit mom's old one and she can get a new one. but I said that once and she said no way. whatev. I'm tired. I tried to go to bed by midnight again but it ended up to be 130 I think. I don't remember exactly but 6 or less hours of sleep sucks. and I've been doing it for days. that's probably not good. another thing that's probably no bueno is that I HATE my job. and this isn't like the first year I worked at culvers and I was just a lazy bum. I am good at my job, I do it well, I used to enjoy serving customers. but now it has been REALLY hard to make myself go. and its not like I'm just going to call in sick, I just don't want to go. I want to hit almost all of my coworkers, the guys that hit on me and our dumb new manager. I don't get why he thinks he can change everything right when he gets here without learning how the business works in the first place! and he's weirdly energetic. and since lauren and david have told me the same, I know I'm not the only one whos creeped out by it. well goodbye my 20 min were up a few sentences ago.

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9

Well I'm supposed to write and I don't really know what to say. I'm sitting in my room with my roommates while they listen to music and watch TV. I wasn't doing anything productive so I thought I'd get this writing assignment out of the way. Do typos matter? Because I keep erasing, but I don't think it really matters. Ok I left one in. So it's really hot in here. And my computer is way too far away from me and it kinda hurts to type. But oh well. I'm waiting for the cartoon Home Movies, to come on. I don't usually watch cartoons, but I saw this one once and it's really funny and I liked it a lot. Wow, only 3 minutes have gone by. I think I'm going to get pretty tired after 20 minutes. I'm so sick of studying. My roommate is talking about a little girl in a Missy Elliot video. What song is this? I have no idea. I'm hungry, but I can't eat and type at the same time. My side itches. hold on a second. Aw there we go. Much better. So I don't understand why I have so much work to do in my English class. It's ridiculous! It's making me so frustrated. My other classes give decent amounts of work to do, but that class is crazy! I have to read 22 chapters in Jane Eyre by Tuesday. Oh I like this song. Probably shouldn't listen to it too loud because I'm trying to type, but it's ok. I seem to be doing ok with it on so far. I'm really tired and I wish I could just go to sleep but I need to study some more before I do. I have to wake up early tomorrow and it really sucks. Wow, I complain a lot. I don't mean to, but I do. Ok. running out of things to say. Talk about smells. can't smell much. It's pretty plain-smelling in here if that makes sense. Damn! Only 8 minutes have passed! Twenty minutes feels like forever. We did a stream of consciousness paper in Creative Writing in high school and I remember how much my hand hurt while I was doing it. I need a massage. my neck and back are really sore. Maybe from sleeping on a too-small and uncomfortable couch last night. And from driving from College Station (no I wasn't at A&M) to San Antonio and then to Austin today. That could do it to you! Well I want a pretzel. They're sitting right next to me but I can't get them. When is this thing going to over with? I wonder what you learn from this? How weird and random people are? I think I'm a pretty random person. I used to say that word a lot in middle school. I hated middle school so much. I don't know why. It was just horrible for the most part. And high school wasn't much better. I like college a lot more than both already. Well my show should be coming on soon. I can't wait to watch it. I hope it's a funny episode! I always tell people how funny it is and then they watch the one episode that's NOT funny and think I'm stupid. Not that I care, but I want people to know that it's a really funny show. I need to be studying for English. No, not English, music. English just popped into my head. Hmm. Ok only 6 more minutes. I think I can handle this. Wow, it got quiet in here. And really really hot too! At first our A/C was broken and our room was 60 degrees, and we complained that it was too cold. And now they fixed it and it's soooooo hot in here. Katie just discovered Longhorn Delivery. I love that thing! I used to use it all the time when I used to come visit friends in Austin. We were all pretty lazy. I'm becoming less lazy here I think. I have to walk everywhere and can't really rely on other people to do things for me like at home. I want to go home and get some things and see my animals and my parents. I'm not homesick, but it'll be cool to see how things have changed since I left. My parents have been re-doing the house, probably out of boredom. I think it's cute that they're doing little projects together now. I hope they have fun living together alone again, like before they had me and brother. I've been warned it's almost 11:30 and HOme Movies will be on shortly! I'm excited. I think it's sad to get so excited about a cartoon, but you have to get excited about something! Well my time is almost up aND I'm glad. Oops, I hit the caps lock for a little bit. Ok 10 seconds. And I'm done!

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4

I am really confused right now because this girl that I think is so incredibly attractive and fun and nice and well you get the picture. Anywho. She says that she likes me it's just that she does not want a serious relationship. I totally understand that because the more that I think about it I don't want that either. I am not really sure what it is that I want. I know that I just want someone to be there for me. It would be nice to have someone who you always know will be there. Maybe I should just explain to her that I am not asking her for marriage. I am just asking for her to be there for me when I need her and I will always be there for her when she needs me. In high school I really was kind of a guy who moved around A LOT!!!! I could never be satisfied with one person for an extend period of time. I mean hell I just got bored. But with her it is different. The first day we met we stayed up until 8am the next day just talking on my friends couch in his dorm room. Then we fell asleep together on the couch and when we got back up we just started talking again. I have only know her for a week but I feel like I have know her forever. I mean I found out so much about her in such a little time. I sometimes don't know that much about people whom I have know forever. I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know. Women are so darn confusing. Well maybe it is the situation that is actually confusing not her. Or maybe it could be me?!?!?! Well guys aren't confusing. I mean we say what we mean and girls just read way to much into it. I guess I just want her to feel the same way about me that I feel about her. However, there is a lot going on this fall. I have just started college (and I think that may be the reason that she doesn't want a boyfriend) and I am thinking about joining either the Business Council, the Management Information Systems Association, or the Iron Spikes (they are the baseball teams spirit organization). With all of this maybe I won't have time for her. And I would not want to be so into her then have her start liking me and I stop liking her. I would feel so bad if that happened. I just want a good girl who will treat me like I deserve to be treated and like me for who I am. I guess I should just give it some time. Things happen for reasons and who am I to think I can change someone. Well I guess if I really wanted to I could manipulate her into doing what I want. (I am too good at doing that. It kind of scares me) But what the hell would that accomplish? Nothing. Well nothing good can come of it atleast. Someone once said that we are who we are today because of the choices we made yesterday. So I am going to make a choice to just let things run their course. If it is meant to happen then it will. If not no big deal. ***side thought****** I am not the fastest typer and my fingers are starting to get stiff. ***side thought is over***** I am not really sure what this writing assignment is going to accomplish, but I hope it helped you as much as it helped me. It actally gave me a chance to sit down for 20 minutes and actually reflect on something that has been bothering me for a few days. Wow this psychology stuff is pretty cool. I may just have to minor in this. I am starting to like it. :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

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18

Why is'nt my roomate quieter doesn't he undersatnd that I'm working on a homework assignment, I never really seems to care what I'm doing he just goes on even if it hinders what I'm doing he pushes an awful lot too. I don't know if I can handle another semester with him, I wish I wasn't as nice and well behaved and just told him bluntly and straight to his face that he was bothering me, I miss my girlfriend she's the only one that seems to understand how I feel even though she claims she has a hard time reading me she always seem to know the right things to say and do to cheer me up even in the worst of moods,, why do the simplest things that my roommate do bother me so much, I wish he would just understand that I want to try to go to bed at a decent time even when he isn't tired he doesn't have to go to bed just respect the fact that I'm tired and need some quiet my girl friend always knows when to leave me alone and let me have my space. why do major things that are poletial problems not bother me such as the possibility of failing a test or a bank possibly screwing me over, a bank can take in thousands of dollars a day but have the indecentcy to charge $3 for a money order in a bank that I'm a member to even the employees think it's outragious, twenty miutes doesn't usually seem like a long ammount of time but when your continuously writing for that time period it seems much longer. homework seems a lot worse then it is I don't mind homework when I'm actually doing it it just when I start it off but more when I stop and come back to it after have a good time. i wish I were stronger than I am socially, if I were more out going but then I wouldn't be who I am now and my friends wouldn't be who they are and I wouldn't have my girl friend who seem to be the center point of me retaining any strength and going on.

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17

I'm sitting here. Have a practical exam at 1:30 that I just remembered so I figured I'd get this out of the way in the meantime. Derick playing counter strike on my room mate's computer. I got distracted and started watching him play for a minute. I have a still photo project due next friday that I really need to get started but I have no ideas on what to do. It is supposed to be a 9 photo sequence that tells a narrative. I ran a mile and a quarter this morning; been trying to lose weight. Lost 17 pounds so far starting a week before school began. Got a few pounds to go yet. I didn't go to sleep last night until after 2 so I'm a little tired. Was playing this new video game for the Xbox; Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. It's pretty good so far. I'd really like to see that new movie Matchstick Men. It's directed by Ridley Scott; I really appreciate I'm as a director. Alien, Thelma and Louise, Gladiator, Blackhawk Down. He is probably the best A-list action director out there. I think Quentin Tarantino has got a new movie coming out this fall as well. Kill Bill. " Looks like some strange pseudo martial-arts venge action movie, with the usual big cast of characters. What do you call that? Jesus I can't think of it. I'm an RTF major, so I should really know. um. It might begin with a "c. " I have three minutes to think of it. Two minutes. I keep thinking "compilation" for some reason and I think that's throwing me off. I'm thinking it's a french word. Only a few seconds left I won't get it

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10

Today has been a pretty uneventful and boring day. I've been to two of my three classes today. I was starting to fall asleep in my stats class. It's my most boring class of the day. I still have to go to my Rhetoric class. It's pretty boring too. I'm not a very good writer at all. I don't much enjoy going to class. I don't apply myself to school near as much as I should. I say I'm going to study but then I put it off until the last second. I guess there are a lot of people that do too. I'm pretty bad though. I don't study hardly at all and make B's and C's. I don't fell stupid for making sub par grades but I do feel stupid for not studying and trying. Then I could get all A's and B's. I'm a pretty laid back guy. Things don't bother me very easily. but when they do, I can't get them off my mind until their resolved. I live with three other guys. They can be idiots sometimes, but for the most part they're pretty cool. I have a girlfriend that I've been with for a year and a half. We don't fight very much. She gets mad at me a lot more than I get mad at her. She never use to get mad at me. But then a few weeks before I moved down to Austin she started. I think it's because she had stay home and finish school and I got to come down to Austin and experience new things. I feel that I don't love her as much as I use to. My twenty minutes is up so I'm going to go to English. This wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be.

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20

Okay I guess I should begin this by mentioning a little bit about me I guess that's one thing we can I mean I can talk about. I was wondering when I was going to put a period in. That's one thing I'm bad at, I forget to put periods. I hate computers especially when they act up I mean I don't hate them it's just there so sensitive almost like people. People are sensitive to things like for instance today this guy I was talking to. I brought up why I had only seen him say hi to hispanics. Because I feel that you should be as friendly with every sort of people. However I know he's not a racist but I just wanted to bring that issue up to him to hear his response. This question was what my other friend said had made him mad. But hey I'm just frank like that I can't help it. I think now that I'm getting into the mode of things I'm starting to realize how my old self is coming out of me but I told myself that I was going to be me. Not to stop or halt to my small voices in my head. Actually its just one I don't want to give you all the idea that I'm schizo or anything. However I wanted what drugs can do to one. Is there any positive effects from psychedelic drugs? But I'm too afraid to find out that answer. That is something that I've noticed here in campus. It seems to be the main issue at hand but I also think that I just may surround or interact with people with a drug background. Like the book said you group yourself with people like yourself. That's so great about college, no matter who you are you'll find someone like you or for you. Right now I'm working on the female part of that companionship. I read somewhere that right now at this age one is in an endless tireless search for love even to the extreme of promiscuity. But I guess its pretty lame talking about my love life on this assignment but "hey" no one said I was confined to a set of topic. In fact, as I understood it. it's pretty much what we want to write about it. Is that not true, I think so. Notice how I'm burning time writing about nonsense. Or B. S. as some might call it. I'm really glad that I didn't procrastinate this to the last second. The scary thing is that I'm doing this assignment at about twelve thirty or so. In that vicinity. I guess. I guess my time is up.

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15

I'm just sitting here typing. Mu light is pretty bright. I got it at office max. I got it with my mom the last night she was here in Austin before she went home. We had gone to target earlier that night and I saw one of my friend's car parked outside. It was weird because he is going to Syracuse in New York. My psychology book says Gazzaniga on it and I am assuming that that is one of the writers of the book. There's a picture of my sister and me on my book case. We went to Florida last summer. It was fun. We stayed on a tiny little island with my entire family . There is a little Buddha guy sitting next to the picture looking at me. He is not actually looking at me because he doesn't have eyes, but his carved out eyes are pointed in my direction. My grandparents gave it to me. They are pretty cool. My grandfather was in the navy. I've been to Maine many times and I always go to my mom's uncle's house and play with all my little cousins. Those are some fun times. I'm taking Management Information Systems 310 with Dunn. She seems pretty cool. The book is red and has a little blue box on the side that says Prentice Hall. Come to think of it, I think my econ book is also published by Prentice Hall. I was listening to a song earlier by a band called Outlandish. Good song. There's a sticky note underneath my lamp. My mom gave me this biscotti tub. I don't know why, but she did. I keep mints in it. I have a pack of green gum sitting next to me. It's doblement, the good kind. I'm already tired of writing and I'm only 6 and a half minutes in to this. I still have mono so that could be attributing to my tiredness. I have had it since late February, early March. It's a pain in the butt. I was fine for a while, but right before school started, I could feel it coming back. It's weird how I can feel it coming back. My roommate had to go to some scholarship dinner. I don't know when he will be back, but he is pretty cool. My computer speakers were made by Harmon/kardon. I had never heard of them before. Maybe I had, but they aren't a big named company yet. This could be their way of promoting their product. By striking a deal with HP. My monitor is big. It's a 17 inch Flat Panel. It's nice on my eyes. I used to sometimes wear contacts. I hate those things. They make my eyes all messed up. By the end of the day, my eyes hurt so bad, I can't even stand to keep them open. So I decided to go with glasses. I wear them at night and when I'm in class sometimes. I can see alright without them, but there is some things that I really need them for. My spanish teacher is kind of weird. I wasn't sure what I thought of him at first. But he seems like an alright guy. I saw him at the gym the other day. I need to work out more. But sometimes I'm just too tired or not in the mood or just don't want to go. My ex-girlfriend used to encourage me to go. I actually started going for her. But then gave it up when I got mono. I used to go to the athletic club. I remember walking in from the cold december days after school. It was still cold in january and february. I love the feel after working out. When my whole body feels numb. I don't know what causes it, but it feels good. It's even better when you work out inside and then go outside where it's really cold. I love that feeling too. But yeah, I went running the other day and got that numb feeling when I was done. My dad runs a lot. He is super cool. He went to West Point and all that and still he is a lot of fun. He is serious when serious stuff needs to be done, but all the other times he is cool. My mom does a lot for me too. She helped me move in and whatnot after my dad had to go back. I haven't eaten candy since I have been here. I have decided that candy is one thing that I don't need. I've been trying to eat better and I think I've been doing a good job. I take vitamins every morning and try to eat something too. I have never eaten breakfast and I regret not doing so. I have started trying to eat breakfast but it's just not appealing to me. Oh well. My ceiling has all these little bumps in it. My mom painted my sisters room and used a sponge thing and made the walls kind of bumpy. It is cool. It reminds me of a sky kind of. I went to the football game on Sunday. That was awesome. Quite the blow out. It rained a lot of the game, but it was still fun. It was my first UT football game. My sister goes to TCU and I went to one of her games, but they have no school spirit. Here, everyone gets involved and that's what makes it so much fun. I went down to the box office to get a football ticket for a friend, but they said that I probably wouldn't be able to get one because they were almost all sold out and I would have to wait until Friday to even try. It should be a good game though. We are playing Arkansas at 11 am. Early game compared to last weekends 6pm game. Last game I went in to the wrong gate and had to walk all the way around to find my seat.

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30

Well,after I finally figured out how to get into all of this computer stuff,I'm going to calm down by writing. The first thing comes to my mind is I'm wondering whether I should go out tonight or not. I'm determined to finish all of my homework for this week and I'm sure that I'll finish everything by ten or ten thirty. But' my body really doesn't need for me to go out, but by ten or eleven o'clock I get really antsy. I'm proud of myself today because I took care of a lot of stuff that needed to do. I woke up at eleven, which is later than I wanted but I got moving right away. I went to TOP and bought all of my pictures and then I went to my Art History class. After class, Iwent with my two friends Sara and Whitney to University Realtors to figure out our living situation at Villas next year. It turned out that the apartment we wanted had already been taken after the guy said he would reserve it for us. So we got really mad at him and we worked it oit that we would move into the six bedroom apartment rather than the five bedroom apartment. Therefore, we had to get two more roommates. So we went over to Joanie's place and got Erin Vaughn and Joanie to live with us. It actually turned out for the better because the six bedroom place is for 8 people but since he screwed us over, we get to have nine people. With nine people, the rent ends up being cheaper. Since I'm sharing a room with my friend Jennifer, it'll be cheaper for us. I'm really excited about the girls I'll be living with next year because they are all really cool. My roommates for next year at Villas will be Anne, Carolyn, Jennifer, Paige, Sara, Whitney, Joanie, and Erin. I also had Ed on my mind today. He's my new boyfriend and I'm just crazy about him. Everybody says how great it is for me because he is such a nice guy and a gentlman. We just met about two and a half weeks ago and we were crazy about each other right away. Everyone is so surprised that I didn't know him before because we are so close already. Everyone asks how we met: he is my good guy friend's roommate. My guy friend is Will and right when Will moved into Towers, he wanted me to come over and see his place. So I went over there and I distinctly remembering Ed answer the door and I had met him for the first time. I thought he was so cute and we just talked for alittle while and our personalities seemed to click. Later that night, Ed called and invited me to the football game. Then we just started talking more and more and we just fell for each other. I've already screwed up a little bit in our relationship and I was terified that he would leave me. But, he forgave me and took me back right away and I'm so incredibly thankful. I never want to feel that bad again in my life. That's when I knew that I really was head over heels for him when I was terribly depressed over such a small mistake. I hope it works out for the future and all of my friends just tell me to grasp on to the now with your boyfriend and not to look ahead or else it could end up causing problems. I'm just so anxious about everything because this is my first real boyfriend ever. Well, my twenty minutes is up. Bye.

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9

My parents just dropped me off at my dorm room and they are headed home to Houston. They came up for the football game and to see me. My mom calls me every day, whether it be to see if I'm up for school or if just to see what I'm doing for the day. Gosh, I'm starving right now and my friend just ate all of his Taco Bell. I wish he would have saved some for me. when I get done typing I'm going to go find some grub. Oh, speaking of food, this morning I ate an awesome breakfast buffet at the Double Tree with my parents. I just got a computer; I don't know why I'm using my friend, Matt's, computer. His roommate just picked up the phone and disconnected me. But, luckily I got right back on. I have so much reading to do today for philosophy, chemistry, and nutrition. I hope it doesn't take too long because I'm so tiered and I want to take a nap. Every time I wake up from sleeping I feel as though I'm getting more and more sick. I'm on different medications for my asthma, allergies, and my congestion. The good thing is that I have a Doctor's Appt. on Friday. So hopefully I can hang in 'til then. I met a girl that lives down the hall from me named Jenny when I moved in my dorm and it turns out that we long lost sisters. Well, not really, but we do have absolutely everything in common. It really is weird how alike we are. I feel so lazy staying in side studying on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I would love to go swimming right now. I hope that this writing assignment gets to Janel Seagal or whomever it is supposed to go to. Well, it's over and I'm off to eat!! Good-Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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30

My first week here at UT, I went through rush. I was kind of pressured into it by family and friends, but I also wanted to meet people. After a week of being fake and smiling a whole lot, I was invited into a sorority. I'm not the type of girl that loves having a ton of girlfriends, doing hair and make up, and talking about boys. I personally like to keep most of my feelings to myself and doing my own hair (which includes washing it only). I'm not into curling irons or the right eyeliner. Those things just really don't concern me. That is what I thought sorority girls were like. Some of them are girly girls, but I found a few to click with. I'm still not really sure about the whole Greek life thing, but I'm going to try it for a while. The part I really don't like is the whole politics of the whole thing. It is very harsh and costs a lot of money. But, like I said, I'm going to try it. Nothing about college has really surprised me yet, and I haven't really been that homesick, which is a very good thing. I do miss my pets back home and my best friend, but the people here are all so nice and friendly that it makes it a lot easier. I am a little nervous about some of my classes but hopefully that will die down after the first test. I was thrilled when I realized my roommate was normal and the fact that we get along so well. Right now I think I need to focus on getting more sleep and not getting sick. I know I have plenty of time to go out and have fun and I need to learn to study. My parents keep on stressing to me how important it is to go to class and I know that and I haven't missed a class yet and don't plan on it. I want to do well but have fun at the same time. I don't really know what else. The Emmy's are on right now and I really want to watch them. I'm obsessed with tv and movies. I seriously think I watch a movie a day and I guess that is good because RTF is my major. I have a really cute picture of my best friend and I sitting on my desk right now and looking at it is making me want to call her, which I think I will do now.

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19

I'm thinking about Robbie and the email he sent. E-mails. How could that be that he loves me. He doesn't even know me? I should not have gotten so flustered the first time I read the letters. I should not have told anyone. Now he has become a sort of pariah in my mind, a weirdo, an outcast, never to be touched by me. An that was wrong. He was brave and poetic enough to bring tears to my eyes. I didn't tell that to anyone. I only went off on the fact that it "weirded me out" , thus I became the dumb blonde, the snob, simplifying this event into something that was "weird. " Now, after I have read the letter again I realize how beautiful it is. Yes, he pairs me with his other love, marijuana, but even so. To him that is beautiful. He said I am what he needs. Angelic, a blazing conflagration in his heart. And none of my letters reached him. They were all sent back. So it is as if nothing has been said, even though my letters were written before I got to the love part of his. How can this be? An ogre he is, always high on acid or pot. I have hardly talked to him. Before I left we stayed up until 3am, me, him and Aaron. Sitting on the grassy bank of the Mississippi River. Being attacked by mosquitoes. The sad thing is I know that in a week I will dismiss the situation, knowing his explosion of emotion must have been a result of drugs. But forgetting his poetic words, and how I may have brightened up his life. He wants to write movies together. That would be great if we could stay friends with the same old people always, me and Robbie and Keith moving to California after I gRADUATE, MAKING MOVIES. Yeah, like that would happen. And good old Aaron tagging alongside us, loving me. This morning the sun was low-- I am not used to mornings-- and it was cool. Perhaps I should start getting up earlier. The girl just sitting next to me was very flustered. I wish I could have helped but I didn't Have My if# with me. You know how in The Canterbury tales Chaucer capitalizes random Words just for the hell of it ? Well that's how I type when I'm not thinking. I have a burn on my middle right finger and it hurts when I type. I talked to my brother and my ex-boyfriend on the phone Sunday night. I was good. I am so glad I talked to Woes. He wants us to say "I love you" as friends when we talk. I couldn't get up the nerve this conversation but maybe next Tim I will. Its just so sappy and Embarrassing (note that capital E). He is an awesome friend , though. It sucks so bad that he is a fundamentalist. I had a dream last night about Adam. The one that is soon to be gone to Israel for a year. I think I'll write him letters. He called me the other day here at Texas of all things. But I had to let him go bc Liesel was on the phone. Then I called back and he was gone, never to be heard from again. In my dr4eam we kissed. Like last summer and the summer before. In my dream he was in love with me all over again, in love with my smell. I was so happy and so was everyone else. That sucks so bad that he's a devout Jew.

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7

I have so much work to do and it all seems to just pile up on me. In highschool I think was so used to just doing things the nigh before and I knew I could get it on but now that I'm in college I can't be doing that stuff. I had a weird dream when I took a nap after my 3:30 class. I drempt that I was at my physic teachers wedding and I was in the third row I believe and the lady he was marrying who was a chemistry teacher was mad that me and my friend were there at the wedding. The rings they were getting married with were being passed around and they both had big pearls on them. Right before the ceremony began my physics teacher looked back and recognized he had two former students at his wedding [me and my friend] and he smiled and then the dream ended. I kind of freaked out, I'm not sure why. When I woke up I wanted to call my friend and tell her about the dream. I didn't end up calling her. After I had been awake for a while I started thinking about my Junior year in highschool [which is when I had my Physics teacher], he was a pretty good teacher, I really learned a lot that year. My parents are coming up this weekend for the UT game, I get to see my little brother so I'm real excited for that. I miss him a lot. I just ate Wendy's a little while ago and I'm stuffed. I'm exhausted, my mind and body are very tired. Last night I fell asleep around 1:00 and that's the earliest I have fallen asleep since I've been here in Austin. In between and after classes I find myself napping and I think that makes it worse because at night I can't sleep at all. Me and my roommate really get along, I like that. Okay I think I'm going brain dead, or maybe its because I'm tired. I'm happy I'm getting this out of the way now rather than the day before, I know its not a big deal but still. It helps to just finish these things a little earlier than expected. I love Austin so much. I miss my friends back at home but I don't miss the Valley, which is where I'm from, Edinburg to be exact. It's' funny how things just fly by so fast, I wonder if college will fly by as fast as highschool did. who knows! I feel overwhelemd, not just with reading and school work but with other things beside that. My parents expect me to bring all A's and I guess that can be possible but come on, I don't think I'll get ALL A's through college. I just want to do well enough to get into the graduate school I want to go too. Another thing that's bothering me is the whole boy problem thing. My boyfriend goes to UTSA and its not the long distance thing that is bothering me, it's the whole "being tied down" part. There's so many people to meet here and I care about my boyfriend a lot but he messed up once and my ways of thinking about him and I have altered in a sense that could there really be someone else out there for me? My mom says I'll never know unless I "venture out" and see what could be out there. I think I'm the type of person that is nice, maybe too nice. Why do people take advantage of that? It's not fair. I think I need to be a more stronger person when it comes to certain issues. I guess these are just the typical girl problems. It's funny how guys don't really care or think about things like that. It's also funny how guys minds are so much different from girls and how their views are completely oppposite. I really need to catch up with reading in Psychology, I think that's the only think I'm a little behind in, as far as reading. I want to have a good semester and leave during the Christmas holidays knowing that I did my best as far as that semester was concerned. Today in Astronomy we talked about the stars and how old they are and all that stuff and today when I was walking back from Wendy's, I couldn't help but look up at the moon and stars and then reflect back to my Astronomy class. All that stuff is so cool. I would LOVE to go to the moon that would be cool, but its one of those things I want to do but probably wouldn't do it if I could. Well time is almost up and I enjoyed this a lot. Bye!

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18

I feel strange to be writing, I should have a form or a document or something specfic to do, instead of listening to lena horne on hte stero, god I wish I could sing like that so thoarty and sensual like maybe its befauses she black, but that would be wrong to say I could get in trouble the people next door are balck, why is it that all hte good reallly good jazz performers were balck, yet the only people I know who like jazz are pasty white, thats strange, so many things I say could get me in troulbe I can't tell ryan I'm in love with him, he'd get scaared but I'm nt in love wiht him its a passing fancy, oh I hate being female and emotional it sucks, go lena, she has the answer, she just sung a manhating sond, I feel sorry for the person who has to read this, this is dthe easy writhing assignment hat I've ever done, Iknow I'm supposed to wait on the second assignment ut I want to get it over with sorry whoever has to decipher tis but I not correcting it, they told me no t togod how to figure out the thoughts of me, I can't figure my thoughts how can you reader person, I;m hungry I want food, yet I have noneone to eat with it;s annoying lisa said she'd call me but she didn't I didn;t think she would silly women me an lisa are both silly she;s in littlefield I could go find her but wondering around in a dorm oh thats intellegent now lena is sticking by her man eben though he's a slob, confusing I think so I'm tired I slept in late to day why am I tired must skip this song depressing this whole writing thing is a form of self expression I guess culd be threaputic oh htat's spelled so wrong I can't spell never could, I'm adding puncuation not supposed to do thta I thought this unfourtunaly this is the easiest writing assignment all yeaar whats the requiremnt in spainish, oh jennifer just got in turn down the music she probably dosen't like lena taht's so many mistakes in grammer structures mother would be mad but oh well I don't care she snot here is she now imiss my dog I have nothing living in my room minus shower mold but syou can't cudddle that what a nasty image ryan does the silliest jokes with bad puns like tahat oh I've got it bad I think how pathetic a women leaning on a man its wrong in so many way got ten minustes left tahts a lot for just ten mins. I covered so many topics back to lena but soft so not to bother jen I wonder why she never shortened her name to jenny or something everyother jenniffer does but everyone thinks jenny's name is shortened when its not for the poor readser htats my sister hse is newly married a picure of martial bliss and all htat I miss her sometimes but not to much we fought adn fought she thrrew a brush at me once I waas os giveing and non confriatonal as a child probably cus I was fat why do pepople discriminate against fat kids its mean my jkids will play sports and be actifve I love kidss I'm maternal all over a sk anyoone htey like to tease me about it how on earth can the reader diecphir this oh that good spelling I'm not an english major I should be a bio major but I odnt know I'm confused how am I supposed to choose a path for my llife how stange and silly to expect htat of me I have no plan I wnat to go to philly and I would love to visit vbangkok it sounds os coolk but I wnat a translator how can I claim ot be adverterous and not be aable to take off somewhere on a whim or is that responsible I wonder how mom would take it if I went to philly over christmeaas not well why bother I want to seee ryan I miss him god that so sad with the femine dependance imiss him though some would say htat was cute glad he doesn't live here id be in trouble pregant whatever to hell wiht purity here;s ryan oh now that is offically sad beyond belive why do women give up their positons for men, why isn't it the other way around that woudl be a change stupid pateracail society spelling agian I hate speelling its the way I was taught to read the stupid whole word approach not the phonics I have homework I ahte work I'm a lazy son of a opps don't want ot curse on a paper I curse ot much that;s not lady like but then what do I care I shouldnt have to fit a standard of feminism how arachic and outdatinga and silly opps one minuste left I really do feel sorry of rthe reader I'm going to read this before I sign out and laugh I hate my laught but this is funny why do I add t to the end of ough whay tath's stpid but whay is a prouduct of cheese how bizarre. done.

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13

I’m sitting here drinking a beer. what is that picture on my desk-I stole this calculator from a party and I don’t know why-I feel so bored- I've been doing homework all day and it's labor day-what a waste there are tons of people by the pool and I want to go there-its scary though what am I going to eat for dinner-I think that I’m getting fat-I drink too much and am not exercising enough my girlfriend doesn’t want me to order playboy-what’s up with that- she also wont let me smoke my life is controlled-I don’t think that I want to be an engineer anymore-they make lots of money but it might be boring I worked all summer and then had to spend all my money paying my lawyer- I hate lawyers they're scum-I hate fratboys too-although I wish I was in a frat I don’t know anyone at this school-I want to transfer to atm because I know lotsa of people there I have a scholarship here though that I cant just leave. my shoulder is hurting-its from leaning over this keyboard-this has got to be the easiest writing assignment of my life I normally hate writing assignments-I definitely am not going to do that research paper why does this page have no ending width-these sentences are getting really long when am I going to finish my other hw? I missed the first two days of one of my classes and now I don’t even know what the hw assign are. the gate outside my window keeps opening and makes this squeaking noise my roommate is worthless-he’s supposed to get our dishwashing rack and get the exterminator to come but he's too lazy and all that he does is sit around and play his computer game I just looked at the clock and its only been 10 minutes-20 minutes is a long time when you are thinking about it-I remember when I played soccer 40 minutes seemed like 4 hours especially when you were losing I wonder what my family is doing right now-I miss my brother-he’s going to come to school here next year-I cant decide if we should live together or what-it would be a lot of fun I don’t know if I could handle another year in the dorms-they suck especially the bathrooms and the food-actually everything about them is bad- I wonder if anyone is going to be able to read my typing I don’t type like I’m supposed to. I only use about half of my fingers and I don’t use any particular order most of my words look misspelled because I hit the wrong key first aha-15 minutes-only five more to go I wonder if everyone counts down the minutes in their papers-I bet that about 90 percent of the students write a line about how much time has passes ,etc my neck is really starting to hurt now-I worked on the computer all summer-8 hours a day but my neck still isn’t used to it I wonder how many words I've typed so far my brain seems to be at a standstill-should I get drunk tonight? do labs start tomorrow I hope not I love punching the enter key it feels like I've accomplished something every time it gets punched my friends ought to be here pretty soon of course they’ll want to get drunk its so quiet in here-I’m glad I have a computer and didn’t have to go all the way to the ugl have I almost filled up the entire page-it looks like I’m almost at the bottom I am almost there-I guess that’s why you made the width unending time up

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26

Just sitting here and I decided that this would be a good time to write my stream of consciousness. I'm usually tired and don't feel like doing anything, but tonight I have this extra kick of energy (maybe it's the Lone Star). I've got MTV in the background. I swear all I've been hearing about is the Video Music Awards. Well. they'll finally be coming to TV tomorrow night. We had a hall meeting tonight to talk about the Fire Sprinkler Installation, but we didn't go. We decided to go to the one Thursday night, because my roommate was talking to her boyfriend. I always just sit there and listen to her talk. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend! I haven't talked to him for so long. let's see. since Friday night! I swear our relationship is so strange. We hardly ever get the chance to talk or see each other. I get mad at him during this time because I feel like he's not trying to put anything into the relationship, but the minute I start talking to him I forget about all those feelings. I'm just so happy to hear his voice that I don't care about anything else. He's supposed to be coming to Austin this weekend. I bought him a ticket to the 101 XFest. I haven't even bee able to tell him that he has one because he's never home so that I can call him. Oh well! I'm so excited that I get to see him soon. All of a sudden my thinking process stopped. I don't know what to write. This is how I usually feel when I get a writing assignment. My brain just freezes up. I put it off until l the very last minute. I absolutely dread having to take English next semester. I wish that I had tried a little harder on the AP English exam I took my junior year. I scored a 2 the minimum score you can get is a three to test out of it. I remember sitting in the biology lab room, it stunk like formaldehyde frogs. I have no idea why that's where we took our test. It took so long! On the last essay I wrote one sentence and then gave up. I wasn't thinking that scoring a good grade on this test would save from having to take English in college. Blah! Blah! Blah! I can't stop yawning. My eyes are starting to hurt from this bright computer screen. Ok it's 9:12. I can stop now.

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14

Yuck, what a cruddy day. I had to go to 4 hours of classes and then I had to wait 30 minutes for the freaking bus to pick us up. Then I had to stand up for most of the ride home. And it was really hot on the bus. Luckily today wasn't too hot outside though. I saw on the news that we are expecting some rain and cooler weather. That's good. I guess. I don't know about the rain part though. I hope I can find my umbrella. I hope I didn't lose it when I moved up here. I live in a really neat apartment now. I like it a lot. And my roommate is really nice too. I was kind of worried about that. I transferred here from A&M this semester. I like it here. But it's not really any different than in College Station. Just bigger. My classes aren't any harder so far. I hate calculus. I'm usually pretty good at math. I think it's also because my TA that teaches our discussion is horrible. He hardly speaks English and doesn't know what he's doing at all. Of course I don’t' really know what I'm doing at all either but. Wow 20 minutes is a long time. Lots of random stuff kind of floats through your head. Like the fact that I can see that I have email and I really want to check it. I just checked it before I started writing, I guess somebody wrote back. I wonder who. Probably Amy. Amy was supposed to transfer this year too and be my roommate but she forgot to send in her transcript. She's kind of spacey about stuff like that. But she's like the sweetest person I know. Actually I don't really know a lot of people here. That's kind of sad considering I knew practically everyone at my high school and I had a lot of friends at A&M. My roommate at A&M just rushed a sorority this year. Neither one of us rushed last year. I'm happy for her. I wonder if I should’ve rushed this year. Then I’d know more people. But my boyfriend goes to school here. But he doesn’t know that many people here either. The year just started so I guess I'll meet more people as it goes by. I need to go workout tonight. I haven't worked out really well in a few days. I feel much better and more relaxed after I work out. I'm still feeling kind of stressed after my gross day. I have a lot of homework to do and a lot of other things on my list. I always make lists. I wonder what that says about a persons personality. I'm really organized and like to plan things. Maybe that's part of it. Strange. I wanted to plan a trip to go tubing in San Marcos before school started but we never got around to it. I hate how my boyfriend makes fun of me and says that I never plan anything. I know he's just kidding, but it gets on my nerves. He just doesn't understand I guess. Wow I just got a weird flashback of high school. I was a cheerleader and I just thought of some performance we did. I wonder where that came from. My typing has gotten really good over the past year. I used to not be that great. I think all the emailing made me better. I wonder who that email is from? I haven't seen a lot of the people that I know here. I guess I should call them and get together. I feel like I don't have time though. I have to do homework, and work out and I need time to myself just to vege. Speaking of vegetables, I need to go to the grocery store too. I need vegetables, noodles, rice, chicken, cookies, hmm what else? Milk. I like milk, especially with my cereal. I need more cereal too. I always want to get pancake mix. yummy. only a few minutes left. That's good because my back-neck-shoulder is starting to hurt from sitting at this computer. I need to get a cable so I can hook up my printer. Not that I need it yet but I should get that taken care of. My mom said she is sending me a package with cookies and candy and my last paycheck from work (lifeguard)and other stuff. that is something to look forward to. I haven't gotten any mail lately. I paid my rent today. through January. I need to call my bank and have them transfer some money form my savings into my checking. or else we could have some problems. but my grandfather is the president of the bank and my aunt is the CEO so I don't think that they'd let me bounce a check. That's going to be a shock when I have to go out and get a real job and find a real bank. Time's up. Yea!

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3

My roommate and I have Office Space" on. What a great movie. It cracks me up every time I watch it. I really like my roommate. She is such a cool girl. It's weird how things work out. I was really scared about having a potluck roommate. Every day we find new things that we have the same. We have the same toothbrush, hairbrush, hair straightener, contact case, pair of pajama pants, caboodle for our makeup, pair of shoes. It's crazy. I really like living at SRD. The food was really good tonight. We had this thing called "mexican shrimp" except it really didn't taste like mexican. It was just little shrimp in this sauce with red and green peppers over rice. Food is so good. I bought some Little Debbie Star Crunch and some Vanilla Wafers at the store today. Little kids snacks are so much fun. I wanted some fruit snacks but they cost too much. Meghan (my roommate) and I are not having a good experience with fridges. Our first one leaked all over the carpet so we bought a new one but it gets extremely cold and halfway freezes our stuff. This morning I got out a Dr Pepper and it was all icy. We should read the manual and fix that. I'm excited that I am going home tomorrow for the weekend. I miss my family, especially my sister. This past year we were closer than we had ever been and then I had to leave. I don't have class on Fri so I am going home to see her cheer at the Garland football game tomorrow night. I'm so proud of her. She is so cute and nice and always succeeds at the things she does. I also want to see my puppies. They are the cutest dogs ever and I haven't seen them for 3 weeks. I am also ready to sleep in my own bed. Although my dorm bed is comfortable, it isn't the same. Hahah- gosh I love Office Space. The characters are so messed up and hilarious. I don't know why we have the TV on. I am doing the writing assignment at my computer and my roommate is doing pretesting on her computer and we are both just listening to the TV. I really should go to bed sometime soon because I have an 8am class tomorrow. It was easy for me to get up for high school at 7:30 last year but for some reason I am having a lot of trouble getting up for my classes. I guess I am still in summer mode. Now the credits are rolling on the TV and neither of us is getting up to turn it off. I shouldn't leave instant messenger up when I am doing homework. My friends keep talking to me but I am doing this so I can't talk to them so the boxes just keep flashing at the bottom of the screen and it is really driving me crazy. The music on the credits is also driving me crazy. There is just so much rap music I can take. Oh man! Barenaked Ladies is coming out with a new CD and they are coming on tour to Austin and I am so excited. I love their music so much. I do hope their new album is good because each new one seems to be more pop-ish than the last one. I love their old cd's when they were just in Canada and hadn't crossed over to America yet. Their concerts are awesome and I will be going to the one here. I should probably start saving my money. I guess that means I should get a new job. All I know is that I will never work in food again. I worked at Sonic for 2 years and it drove me crazy. I would come home smelling like grease and who knows what else. Yeah, those I'M boxes need to stop flashing. This is one of the most random assignments I have ever done. I probably sound like an idiot with everything I am saying. I really do like my dorm room. It is so colorful and we have so many pictures and posters up. I can't stand blank white walls. The walls in my room at home are blue so being here with white walls is annoying. I should really put some lotion on my legs because they are itchy. The only problem is that I hate lotion. That is my weird thing. Lotion and feet. Put the 2 together and it is an even worse thing. My sister makes fun of me but I make fun of her because she doesn't like anything touching her bellybutton. She won't even touch her bellybutton. Now our room is completely silent except for the clicking of keyboards. I feel like we need some music or something. I'm glad that meghan and I have similar tastes in musics because I wouldn't want to annoy her with something she didn't like. It's been hard finding a radio stations I like here in Austin because I don't really know which station play what kind of music yet. I guess I have plenty of time to learn. Well- my time is up!

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8

I really miss Desiree. she is my best friend and it hard not being able to talk to her everyday seeing as how I don't have my cell phone here with me. my not so intelligent sister was supposed to send it to me in the mail Saturday, but how much do you want to bet that she didn't send it until Monday and I wont get it until Thursday before I leave to go to Houston. I'm drawing a blank. how am I supposed to write for twenty minutes when I'm struggling to think of something to write after only two. I guess I shouldn't think so hard, should I. is that supposed to be a question mark? anyway. I'm really enjoying this psychology class. I thought that it might have been boring but as luck would have it Pennebaker is actually a really energetic professor. I like that. it almost seems as if he can relate to his students on a deeper level but at the same time he is still able to get his lesson across to us. kind of reminds me of Brink, my science teacher in high school. he has been there for quite some time now and he never ceases to amaze his students with his ability to connect with us. I do not know one person in Cleveland High School or one person who came through CHS and had Brinkley that didn't like him or his approach to teaching. I miss him. I miss high school. college life is really overwhelming at times. Right now I'm pretty much struggling to stay in school and let me tell you that it is not easy. I partied way too hard last semester and it would be a shame for me to go home and have to endure the horrible comments from everyone. Oh nikki couldn't handle that big school. She got the big head and got shot down as soon as she got there. Look at little miss I'm smarter than you back in Cleveland. I guess it was lonely up there on her high horse. I have to be a success and that is why I have buckled down on my studies and reading this semester. it is so important that I become somebody. I can't stress that enough. I refuse to go back home and end up on the same path that the rest of my family has chosen for themselves. its not easy living up to others expectations when you know that you can do it but aren't sure if you know how or if you have the drive to do so. My family is a bunch of nobodies and I hate to say that. Well in an educational sense of the term. None of them went off to school in order to better themselves. but then again I can't really blame them for that. I mean we really don't have the resources required to be true leaders or successes when coming from an educational stance. I'm here on financial aid as it is. its not easy walking in my shoes. some people think I have it so easy but they really have not idea what kind of challenges I had to overcome to get here. it was not an easy road to tow. I been through it all and still have managed to survive only by the grace of God. Speaking of God I miss TJ and Trinity and Tristan. I only wish that I had more time with them before they left. especially TJ. He was and still is my baby. I love him and miss him so much but his psycho parents took him away from me. they could have left but why him. I remember there being a time when he wouldn't even go to them when I first started working in the nursery and how he could only say no. that was my little boy. I love him and miss him like you would never understand or maybe you would because I'm sure you have kids and even though he wasn't mine I loved him like he was.

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10

I am worried about my brother, Bobby, right now. My mother just called me and told me he was in a bad car accident and was taken to the ER. She said he is okay, but they are stitching him up right now. Tonight I went to church with my best friend, Amanda. We sang a lot, which I love. I'm not necessarily the best singer, but I really enjoy it. All the songs we sang tonight, I knew from my church at home in Plano. That made me happy. I also signed up for teams at church. Right now I am a little frustrated though because Amanda and I are trying to do our Art History homework, but the website won't let me download the article I need. Very Frustrating!!! Oh, I need to go wash my dishes when I'm done with this. Amanda and I made chili-cheese dogs. They were great!! My roommate, Sijia, is not home yet, and this worries me because it is pretty late, and she shouldn't be walking around Austin alone in the dark. I have to write a paper for my freshman seminar class for Friday on two pieces of music that I have not been able to listen to yet, which frustrates me. I just found out about the assignment today. School is going well though, a little stressing, but all around, it is going well. All day I listened to one of the best songs I have heard in a long time called "How Could I". The music in this song is very well played, and the lyrics are really good (sad though), and the lead singer (of oleander)'s voice is very soft and pretty. I have to do a geology assignment for my discussion section tomorrow which is a little stressing because the article for the paper I have to write is about 20 pages long. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was trying to read for Art History because I don't learn anything in that class because it does not interest me at all. I woke up early this morning to look over my math homework. I won't get much sleep tonight either. Amanda has music playing in the background right now, but I don't know who is singing. I like the way it sounds though. Tonight I taught Amanda how to tap dance. It was interesting. we went into my bathroom (because it's really big and has a good floor for tapping) and I taught her a few basics. She and I have both danced our entire lives, but she has never taken tap, so I am going to teach her. She is going to teach me pointe, because I haven't done ballet in three years. I have a bad knee, and last summer I had knee surgery, so I haven't been able to do very many classes the last few years. I only took tap and jazz. I miss ballet though. Since I've moved to Austin, I've really missed dance because I don't have a dance studio here. I would like to go take some classes, but I think it would be better to concentrate on school, at least the first semester, and I can just practice at home. I bought new pointe shoes the other day. We had to walk many many miles to get them. Today in geology class, we played football and sang the UT fight song standing up with the "hook 'them" sign in the air. It was a very interesting class. right now I wonder if anyone has IMed me on AIM. I'm really tired, but I won't be able to sleep tonight because I need to do school work. My parents might go to the Bahamas in a few weeks, hopefully I may go as well. I haven't been to a beach in two summers now because of the knee surgery and rehab (for the knee), and this summer we were just too busy. That reminds me, I miss my family in Virginia. Maybe I can fly out there this summer. That would be fun. Virginia is beautiful. The Chesapeake area especially. I'm glad my brother is alright, but when my mother called it worried me. But he will be fine. I cleaned the guest bathroom tonight (I have to do chores around the house because I live in a co-op). Tomorrow I think I'm going to sleep in between classes. I only have two discussion sections. Sijia just got home!!

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21

This summer has been such a burden on me. I am dwelling in it and it is eating me up. I don't know why exactly we broke up I just know that it was completely out of place and unexpected. I find myself digging myself deeper and deeper into it and not really caring what it is doing to me. I just can't seem to let it go. It might be because we were together for so long and go so close. She was the best person God had ever put in my life. We seemed to click, it seemed so perfect, and she told me she felt the same. She told me a couple weeks before she left me that this being her longest relationship was starting to trigger her flight reflexes. She was scared. She told me I meant to much to her and that the relationship meant to me to her. She had just come to terms with the fact that she was in love with me. Something she hadn't let herself do with anyone else before me. It felt so right. I was at such a high, life was so good. I was happier than I had ever been. I became so dependant on her for happiness. I know that is something that was unhealthy, but she had gotten just as dependant on me. We had so many plans for the future. We planned out every step of the way. Factoring in everything including my going off to college and her finishing up her last year in high school. Everyone is telling me to move on, but she told me before she left that if anything ever happened between us, for me not to let her go. She wanted to get through this hell or high water. Nothing was going to tear us apart. During the summer we got closer than ever. We had many plans for the summer. We bought tickets to concerts. Then she went off to camp. She said nothing was going to happen at camp. Four days into it she calls me and tells me that she can no longer be with me. What the hell happened at camp. I go to Warped tour and she with someone else. All I can do is give her a hug and say "Nice pick over 6 feet tall and blonde, just like I said. " Seeing as I was joking around with her a few weeks before saying that she would leave me for someone of that exact same description. Later she calls me and tells me it wasn't what it looked like. I blew up on her. It was a normal reaction. Everything she said before camp got my hopes soaring, and then BANG, everything comes crashing down. Everyone tells me that she probably found someone up there. And I completely defended her. Cause I knew her better than anyone else, not only my thoughts but hers as well. She was just afraid of commitment because she had been hurt so much in the past. Every male figure in her past had let her down, and she couldn't comprehend someone loving her as much as I did. So because all the idiots in her past, I have to be let go because she can't handle commitment even after all the time we spent together. Why did she have to go, we were happy. I don't know what happened at camp. It was more than seven weeks ago that I talked to her. I called this week and left a message she didn't return. I called again today. She picked up we talked for 18 minutes and 36 seconds. She seems perfectly happy, just as free as a freaking butterfly, not caring at all, it seems, about what I am feeling. How is it that she can be so freaking happy being alone and I'm sitting hear eating myself up and being miserable. Is everything that has happened a game to her. I don't understand how I can move past this. I can't. I don't what to do. I gave her everything. And it feels impossible to get it back. I still love her more than I love anyone, including myself. All I can do is sit and write songs about it.

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8

Here I go. I keep thinking whether or not I am doing this right. I can't seem to spell anything right. I am going to correct all my spelling after I am done. This line just keeps on going. There was just a commercial with people that that said "I am in the woods" and it sounded like the other add that says "I am Tiger Woods". I am so glad the Cowboys won today. I am not even looking at the screen now, because I was losing my concentration. Only 5 minutes have gone by. I wonder when my roommate will get back. I still don’t know why my phone won't work. This line just keeps on going. It is a little bit hot in here. I am getting tired. I sure am glad I got this chair. I wonder how Jason is doing. I wonder bow many of my friends are in Rockwall now. I had a dream about Kim again last night. I wonder when I will see her next. I sure wish I could type better. Now it has been 10 minutes. When is Audra going to call. It is 10:30. Time sure does go by faster here. I need to think about all the things I need to do tomorrow. But I don’t want to. It has almost been 15 minutes. I am anxious to mail my letters. I wonder if I have any mail. I just found food on my shirt. I wish I had something better to eat. I wonder Oh there showing the tennis highlights now. I am glad that Agassi is doing better. I am noticing that I am writing "I wonder" a lot. It is starting to get harder to type now because I am getting tired. I think the twenty minutes are up. I am stopping now.

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5

what a waste of time. These guys are so hung on the fact that they can't decide whether they want to be this one or that one or if they can hack it. How stupid. it is really loud in the other room and I hate when people have their deadlocks one and leave the door open so it always slams when it closes. What should I do about mike? It is a really confusing situation. I wish that gabe would ask me out again. Smoking is bad. Justin just asked King Dobie if he wanted to go smoke and it's gross. To relieve stress about all this frat shit. Racism is bad. I don't understand why can't people just respect the fact that everyone is not going to be the same color as them. I am open-minded about it because I lived over seas and sometimes I wish that people would be able to have this experience so that they could understand a little bit about another culture. You learn a lot about your lifestyle and your own country when you are not surrounded about it the whole time. But right now I don't feel surrounded. Ronnie is still probably crying over his ex-girlfriend and I feel his pain I have been through that before with Chris, I wish here was here a lot of the time but I guess he isn't. he is probably with carley having sex which sucks for me to be thinking about because I think she is a really bad influence on him. I just hope he takes care of himself and doesn't screw up too bad at A&M since he already screwed up by even going there. Imagine that . to be an Aggie that would suck but I guess in a sense I am being prejudice against the Aggies. They are a whole different culture but I hate to be called a hypocrite. Someone called me today and it was my best friend in the whole world. Cole is the man. I miss him so much and a lot of the time I wish that I has a friend as close to me here as he was to me. He is at westpoint and I feel bad for him, no sleep and lots of pressure to do well. I hope he is ok. I miss him and he needs my prayers, which I need to do. I got to get back into the swing of things,. I would be letting Cole down if he knew where I am at with God right now, he is my accountability partner and I feel as though I am letting him down by not studying the word. I will probably go to Metro on Tuesday though and hopefully I will take someone with me. Maybe Brian will go. I hope so, I wonder how sarah and wade are. I miss seeing here and was pretty mean sometimes. brad on the other hand seems very worried about his job and I scared for him! We clicked really well at work and I wish we could spend some quality time together sometime but I don't know what he has been up to ? I got to go to bed soon. I was very stupid about waiting till the last minute to do homework but I do it all the time and I don't know why I surprise myself every time that I wait until the last minute to do stuff. speaking of which I need a job. where the heck am I going to get a job. I need money to pay for crap that I don't need, Like sweats and shoes that I would add to the collection of almost 40. Lauren just walked in the door and I knew because I recognized her voice. She is weird but in a great way. only 4 minutes I think. it seems like twenty minutes is such a short time when you are babbling your thoughts to a computer. Mike is weird and he has this annoying laugh that drives me nuts. So does Gabe but Gabe's is cute, or am I just trying to justify it because I think I like him. probably I do that a lot. I can convince myself that something is good when it isn't and the exact opposite. It sucks. I never know whether to believe myself or not to. Just like when I talk about sex, I don't want to have sex until I am married and I have made a commitment to not only myself and God but to my future mate. Wow that is scary. thinking about marriage. " just what every girl dreams of. their wedding day. " But I hate to be out in the category 'every girl' I am my own person and I feel like I am unique.

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7

I am completely computer illiterate and I never trust them. I have a lot of reading to catch up on and I am worried that I will not have enough time this week. A bunch of my friends and I are flying to Los Angeles on Friday morning for the UCLA vs. UT football game. We are only staying until Sunday evening but that takes away an entire weekend. I should probably bring some of my books with me on the airplane because I think it's about a four hour flight. I am also mad at myself because I took a really long nap today which wasted a lot of time. I think I really needed to catch up on my sleep though from this weekend. We stayed up really late after the game on Saturday and then I woke up early on Sunday to drive to Houston. I went in town to visit my family because I missed them and hadn't been home in a while. We went out to dinner on Sunday evening and then went to look at my Dad's new office. He just moved, it's a little bit smaller than his old one but he doesn't have a partner any more so he doesn't need as much space. Well, now I'm off to try to get on to the Pretesting page.

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14

Well I'm not sure what to start talking about. It's taken forever just to get this assignment started. I had to set up an if account and all that before I could start. I hate coming to new computer labs, this one is new to me because I just transferred here. I feel totally computer illiterate, so I start to feel like an idiot when the lab people have to go around with me and me figure it all out. But anyway, I'm here now doing it, and I guess you always learn something from these situations. I learned that I need to get my own account set up from my computer in my room, so then I don't have to worry about coming up here and dealing with this. I guess we are just supposed to tell you what we're thinking about and our thoughts as they change. Well all I keep thinking is I wonder what you are going to think about my thoughts and ramblings when you read this. Maybe you'll enjoy it because I sound paranoid and you can analyze me! ha ha I'm looking out the window now at the trees, wishing I was out there and not working on this assignment. I still have fifteen more minutes to write. I wonder what everyone else here is working on. I'd rather be here doing this than doing the physics equations I was working on before I got here. Psychology is so much more interesting than the other sciences. Well now I have an E-mail account. I never had one before. I think it will be fun to be able to send and get mail. Especially because my boyfriend still lives in Dallas and its getting expensive calling each other every day, but it wouldn't be the same not to here his voice. I've never really been in the UGL before, I registered here but I haven't ever been in here to do any work. I probably should have been in here before now though! I think the chairs are to too low or maybe the desks are too high, its just not that comfortable. I guess they want you to sit up and have good posture like they taught you in typing class. There, I lost my cursor for a while. I guess that’s why it says - Who knows I. Well I have to help cook dinner at my co-op tonight, we are having Mediterranean Turkey. I wonder what that’s going to taste like, good I hope. Well my time is just about up so I guess its time to submit my paper. I hope you never read these but even if you do I guess I won't really matter because with the size of our class you don't know me from Adam!

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5

Honestly, right now that I have this assignment all I can think about is what to write about. I wonder and wonder what I'm thinking but all I can think about is that I want to get this done because if I don't I will eventually get behind and then I;ll never catch up and everyone will be able to go out and have fun while I sit at home and do my computer assignments for this class. I guess all and all that translates to me being scared of what I am and am not doing. I sit in my room a lot and think about all the assignments I need to do and all the things I have to do but I never quite get the innitiave to do them until it is the last minute. I am so scared that I am going to fail now that I am here because I don;'t quite think that I belong hwere. Everyone else seems so smart and like they belong here and I am the black sheep. It scares me that everyone seems to have all of these friends already and I don't I just miss my friends that I had in high school. It is different here, no one is the same and maybe they are and I have just changed. I wonder how long it will take for me to fit in like everyone else seems to. My roommate and I have been friends since like the second grade, so I didn't get to meet anyone new when I moved into the dorm. It scares me to even be in the dorm because I am more homesick than I ever would have imagined being. I miss my parents and my friends and my pets and my room. I only live 30 miles away but I worry that I will look pathetic if I go home all the time, but I so much want to pack m7y stuff up every few days walk a mile and a half to my car on the side of the road and head back to Hutto. There is absolutely nothing special there, but I miss it so much. My parents say come home anytime you want but do they feel ashamed when I do as if they didn't raise me well enough to make it on my owm. I also feel bad because I don't have a jobn yet, I have never gone without a job, I've continuously had a job for the past two years and now my parents are paying my way and is that fair, they shoudln;'t ghave to I'm a bigt girl I should be paying for my own things, this isn't fair to them. I feel so dependent on them aNED ALL through high school I felt so dependent and now that I should even more, I don't at all. I don;t even know why I chose this school, I think it is becuase everyone thought that I couldn't and I wanted to prove them wrong but that syhouldn't of veen the reason. I am happy tht I am here now because I think it is a good school but I didn't have good reasons when I applied and I worry that will effect my future here. I feel lonely being here. My friends are at other schools in Austin and I still have some in Hutto but I feel like I am here all by myself and no one sees me as good enough to be freinds with. I feel like everyone already has their groups and I just don't fit into them. Today is the best that I habe felt in a long time becausr my friend Bonnie is coming by from St Edward's and her being here might make me feel like I have someone. I don't know why her being here would do that, but just maybe it might. Every time I sit outside I see people being picked up to go do things and I jsut sit outside by myself smoking my Marlboros wondering when I will have someone coming to pick me uyp,. Maybe that will mak e me look important but why do I care what these people think, even when they see me in the hall they don't know who the hell I am anyway, I think I want them to though. Maybe then I would feel as if I was a part of the university. Right now I feel like a blacksheep and I have never in my life felt like that. Is there a reason why these people look at me odd, why do they not make efforts to speak to me or why do I not make efforts to speak to them. I guess I have a fear of them not accepting me therefore I don't even make the effort to approach them. IS the chance of rejection worth the effort on my part. But then aGAIN maybe they want send me signs of rejection, maybe they will see that maybe I am a good person and then I would fit in, but what are the chances of that happening. (I feel so dumb writing this becuase I don't say what I feel ever. My mother thinks that I am like in the fact that instead of being honest and admitting how I feel, I create a front and never say what makes me happy, sad, angry, etc. Instead I act like I don't care either way and go home or whereever noone is at and cry in private. If no one sees me cry then no one knows how to push my buttons and if you never let anyone in then you never get hurt. Only one of my really close friends knows that I do this, but that could lead to me only having one really good friend. But I don't think so becuae I love my friends and they love me no matter what so if they really knew who I was then they wouldn't care. It wouild probably be a relief to them becuase then they wuold know that I was human. Not that they think I'm, not but I don't show feelings so they wonder what I am really thinking, but if I tell people whta I really think then I open myself up way too much for dissappointment. I don;'t know what to do, I htink that is why I haven't gone home because if I am stuck here with all my feelings then eventually I will have to open up and let people in and if I run home every other day, I will have too much security and I will think that I can remain closed to new things forever. THis way I am forced to accept myself and that way I can find out if people accept me.

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18

1 Freestyle- trying to write down thoughts that are moving so slowly now-- after spending the day walking up and down the Drag so many times (seems like millions!) in the hot sun. then waiting in line for this computer for ages. I wonder if this is right because its only making one long line instead of lots of lines Maybe I was supposed to press RETURN! Cant think right now except about going home to my new apartment, which is the first apartment that I've ever had. Very big, clean, airy, light, very TEXAS. I wish I had an apartment that was more original, as if there were only one like it in the whole world. With hardwood floors and pets allowed. So I could get a Lasa Apsa. But I’m going to sneak a ferret into my place because they are the CUTEST!!! You can bend them in half and twist them around everywhere and they are so playful. Anyway if I had a ferret I would name it Camilla cuz we used to have a kitten named Camilla but we had to give it away. If I had two children I always thought I would name them Madeline and Jack, but now I’m not sure because Jack sounds like a name for a psychopath--- like in the Shining. These are the ultimate boring thoughts but my brain is in slow motion so oh well. I’m absolutely starving right now I could eat yum pasta and artichokes and sushi and olives and steak (not all together!) I have weird taste in food because of growing up overseas I can remember being so little and my parents would take us out for Asian food-- me and Liz only four and five and eating spicy kimchi (MMMM) or fighting over what was the best piece of sushi. And when we only babies our favorite treat was FISH EYES, which I wouldn’t be able to stomach now. That was in the Philippines, where we left when I was two, and my only memory of it is a grayish image of lizards on the window above my crib. Some memories are suspicious- like I wonder if they are really mine-- maybe at a young age (like 5 or 6), somebody told me how I loved the lizards outside my window and my mind just fashioned a blurry picture of the view from my crib. Its hard to believe that a person can remember things that happened such a long time ago, especially when you cant remember what you had for lunch the day before yesterday or the name of your high school Physical Science teacher (Mr. Stockwell??) My minutes are nearly up, thank God cuz I need FOOD! Which will probably be Capn Crunch or a tuna sandwich since we need to go grocery shopping. Interesting exercise, too bad my thoughts are nowhere near as beautiful as the stream of con. in Ulysses. Right now food is the main thing on my mind, thank you for reading this.

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10

Ok well I'm thinking about how long of a day it was, I got to school kind of late and I was almost late to my first class. I'm not really smelling anything right now because my nose is a little stuffy and runny I think it is due to my girlfriend who has been getting sick lately, we went to buy tylenol cold at the target on 35. I just spoke to here and she said that she was going to take a little nap and I told her not to because she was complaining all day that she had so much to do and there wasn't any time to do it. Well she didn't listen to me she said for me to call her at 7:15 if she hasnt called me. she went with me to psy class today even though she already took it last semester. she was very moved by the way the professor was. I think she said I wish I had him for my psy class. I told before that he was very cool like our communications teacher dr. daly who is a very cool teacher as well, his class is awesome he's so charismatic, today we had a supplemental discussion for that class and I have my girlfriends friend from back home in that class who just broke up with her boyfriend whom she had been going out with for about two years or so, and we were just talking and she was telling me how she hated our comm. class because all they talk about in that class is relationships and she feels sad every time he uses one of the students as examples, now on the topic of my girlfriends friends. By the way her name is desiree and she is beautiful and I love her a lot, I don't know when and where but someday we plan on getting married, I think we are different than most couples, I know that everybody probably says that but I really do think that we are because yes we spend a lot of time together and I hear that that is a bad thing but were different because we involve God in our relationship, not as much as we should but more than most couples I think, in the summer we read the bible every night for the last couple of weeks. But since we got up here, we haven't read it at all, I think its because were so happy with each other and we love to spend time with one another that its hard to do something else besides kissing and having sex at night. now back to her other friend named nancy. Well she is rooming with desiree's old roommate kelly, and well a few days ago kelly had a talk with nancy, she was really mad from what I hear because she took the time to underline in the contract that no one else has permission to stay for more than three consecutive nights in their apt. without some kind of notice, and well nancy has a boyfriend who is always over there and kelly gets really mad. Me and desiree were thinking that she is just jealous because her boyfriend isn't over there as much as he should be. like my roommate said that he wasn't going to talk to his ex when he came up here because she broke up with him last year when she was still in high school and he was up here. well now that she is up here too, he said that he was not going to talk to her at all, well shit that didn't last very long, just the other night he stayed at her dorm because they had to homework for the same class that they both share. Hmm. What a coincidence, I mean me and my girlfriend had a class last together too and I think that that helped out a lot because no matter if we didn't see each other every day we definetly saw each other on those days that we had class, I mean we really werent together yet but that certainly helped out our relationship a lot. my friend oj keeps calling me because he wants to go eat at the olive garden and I told him that I don't know because I running tight on money and I kind of got in trouble the other day with my mom because I went on a little shopping spree and spent a good amount of money at diesel. the part that she got mad at was the jeans that I bought for 100 dollars and that's because they were on sale. she said imagine how many shirts u could have bought with that. so I don't know if ill go but I do want to play him in NCAA 2005 college football that's like our fav game and my roommate just bought a big screen with a surround sound so its awesome to play on that I haven't even tried it I think I'm going right now to go play laterz!

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20

OK so right about now I'm thinking about what a great and interesting assignment this is . I am also thinking about all the stuff covered during the last classs about the brain I can actually see my brain working, with all that left and right functioning stuff. My thoughts are now drifting a bit becasue the phone just rang but it was for my roomate. Now I'm thinking about this one girl I sat next the last couple of classes we were usually arow or two apart but man I really thinkshe is beautiful. I hope to sit right next to her this upcoming class and start up a conversation or something. I hope she likes me, I'm nervous as all hell. Ok now I'm thinking about all the stuff I have to do today. After this assignment ill probably ask someone to do my laundry, then ill do some english and chem and of course the dreadful calculus. My sensations are somewhat jumbled I feel kinda depressed just because I have been looking for a girlfriend for so long and can't find the right one. I feel like I have so much love to give but noone to give it to. Also I really miss my friends from home in san antonio. there are about three girls I have my eye on right about now. this one girl I went to camp texas with whose name is Julie, that girl from psychology class, and this girl I have been in love with for about a year( but she is in San Antonio and has a boyfriend) , I usually think about her every hour of th eday and dream about her like four days out of the week. Yeah I reallly miss Kristin a lot. sometimes I see myself kicking that boyfirens ass but then I think about how upset it would make Kristin. Almost everything I do is to show her that I am better thatn that loser of hers. Iv'e never met anyone remotely similar to Kristin, one of a kind. Oh well I got to stop thinking about it or ill end up in tears again. anyways I really can't wait till September 28 because this band that is from my home town in san diego California is finally putting out a CD and it comes out that day. This band(Sublime) is actually old but the lead singer died in 96 of an overdose and the band members finally got over the death and decided they ow it to him to keep playing, there motto was long live the Sublime sound. there sound is like a mix of a lot of Reagae, punk, hip hop, and some spanish stuff in there to. So since they were going to need a knwe lead singer, they got a long time friend of the band , Opie Ortiz, a tatoo artist from Southern CALI, to sing. There new name is "Long Beach Dub ALL Atars" I could go on and on about hte history of this band and what is goung on but it would get crazy and who ever reads this would think in crazy, good thing noone is going to read it. That would kinda be crapy if anyone read this becasue they would be like reading my mind or something. I just found out I have three minutes left and I wish I could stihere and do this all day for real m like in a zone or somrething. right now I'm stumped I don't think me mind is moving at all, I'm ust thinking about hitting the right key. I feel like typing out the lyrics to the song Badfish right now becasue they are about love afor a girl and for the beach and ocean and the su, and big reefs underwater, god and all these things that ust hit me hard.

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1

I'm thinking about bush and religion. I just had a simi arguement about it. I don't really care for the way the government is trying to impose religion on everyone. country music isn't that bad. I use to hate it in high school and now I've found a liking for it. tomorrow I go to nachadoches to visit friends. I'm looking forward to the driving and getting away from it all. I don't like being stuck down here. my room is really quiet. so is my roommate. we don't talk much. hopefully we'll open up and start to talk a bit. my legs itch and so does my back. I'm really full. that large pizza was really good. but the sight of pizza would make me really sick. I still can't stop thinking about government. it all just sickens me. I wish there were better canidates to choose from. face itches. I'm actually happy tonite. I got an A on my physics homework. ugh, physics was made by the devil, I swear. its like they don't want you to ever pass that class. leg itches. I'm a little stressed though. my shoulders and neck are all tight. I think its because of my whole financial aid deal. hopefully it will all be in by tomorrow so I can have some money for this weekend. arm itches. I really like country music. stomach itches. I miss old friends. maybe ill try to fix that this semester. get back in contact with old friends or try to stay in contact. I need to stop missing calculus class. its not like its hard. I just need to go and pay attention. I need to shave. I just need the time to do it. it takes forever. my chair is comfy. I don't like how my monitor is set-up. I wish I didn't have to turn my neck to look at the monitor. I wonder who is winning the patriots/colts game. I hope the colts win. I don't want to see the pats win anymore. I really like the underdogs, except when its UT playing. got to support the home team. astros finally lost a game. 12 straight and then a lose. hope they won the second game of the doubleheader. now I see why I people don't like country music, it puts you in a more mellow mood. not sad but not happy. more of a reflective mood. man, this summer was awesome. I can't wait til next summer. college intern at cypress united methodist. 200 kids, wow! a girl from katy died today. some people from the mission trip knew her. its so sad to be taken at such a young age. texas better beat arkansas Saturday. ill be pissed if they lose again to them. I itch a lot. my beard especially. that's why I need to shave it. ugh, 8am class tomorrow. I thought freshman year was going to be the only year I had them. oh well, the class is easy and entertaining. I can't wait for this to be over. I really wish me and my roommate would talk more. it gets kind of akward in here when we are just sitting at our computers not talking to each other. I need to excercise. I'm feeling lazy. I want to play raquetball. it was great when I hit ash in the head with the ball and then when I fell on my butt when trying to serve. great times. my beard still itches. I think I'm going to go shave soon. its driving me nuts. this is a lot like writing in a journal. just a lot more random. but being random is fun, it throws people off.

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28

I find it hard to write what I am thinking probably because I am always thinking of several things and it is hard to focus on one. But this weekend's events seem to come to mind. I had a really fun weekend. It is not just that I hate school and I needed a break, I honestly don't feel like I am really in college. I just feel like I am going through the motions. It hasn't really set in yet. But right not I am at a friends apartment where a couple of my friends and I have stayed these past couple of nights. A friend is watching Office Space in the background and I love that movie. It is a great movie and I find it amazing how you can relate much of your life to that movie. I just realized how dramatic I find my life. I make a big deal out of little things. I guess it is my way of dealing with the stress in my life. I make things into a huge deal so it seems too ridiculous to be upset about something that it doesn't bother me anymore. Especially when it comes to boys. I find them to be a huge headache. When a relationship doesn't work out I find it easier to be upset and hurt about it and make it not a big deal because once I am finished ranting and raving, it seems kind of silly. Besides it is easier to be upset at someone than it is to try and get over those feelings you had for them. But the thing about that is you can't hate them. Because in order to hate someone you have to have significantly cared for them at one time or another. The people that hurt you the most are the people that are the closest to you. And I don't want to the people I am mad to know that they have impacted my life to the extent where I am capable of hating them for hurting me. I don't know, it may sound complicated, but it works for me. Some people think I am a very complicated person, but I don't think I am. I consider myself to be an honest person and in return I expect your honesty in return. Don't bother lying to me. Don't waste my time. Time is always something that I lack. There aren't enough hours in the day. Ever since college I find myself sleeping at doing homework and hanging out at odd hours of the day. Just yesterday my friends and I went to 6th Street, went to eat and then came back to our friends apartment to swim at 6:00 in the morning. But I guess that is college. I am really looking forward to what the year holds for me. People here in Austin are really nice. There are some weirdoes, but overall I like it here. I think I made the right decision about college. Life is great. It really is.

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30

I am sitting here thinking about what I am going to eat . I am very hungry. for lunch i had a sala, some pasta and some soup, oh that guy was really hot . when I work out today those guys are going to be really hot too. oh god something stinks. i wonder what it is . I hope its not the person sitting next tome. what is that girl wearing she looks very tacky. when I go to my dorm later I am going to fall out. First I have to call my parents or they will get mad . this is a library why are people walking around and talking so much. I wonder why my roommate does the stuff she does, and why is this person talking so what is wrong with his hear okay it is really starting to stink. oh crap I'm supposed to meet my roommate for lunch but oh well it doesn't matter, this is much more important. Last night the MTV music wards were so crazy, there were a lot of crazy things happening everywhere, I thought I was going to flip. I absolutely loved what Beyonce and Alicia Keys were wearing. I wonder when will Destiny's child get back together hopefully soon. Man I hope I did good on my Spanish quiz it was fairly easy I think. What classes do I have tomorrow hopefully easy ones because I can't stand some of my classes. i wonder what my roommate is doing right now. I wonder if my exboyfriend has a girlfriend right now. man when will this be over 20 minutes is a long time to just write about anything. ooh another hot boy oh and there is his girlfriend. That's okay I look better than her anyways. I wonder what my friends are doing in El Paso maybe I'll give them a call when I have time. I'm so excited the first football game is this week what am i going to wear who am I going to go with Hopefully we will beat north Texas. oh my god games mean after parties and after parties mean really hot football players too bad I'm only 17 I can probably still get into some clubs. the ones that allow babies. Man it seems like I have been on here for years when is this crap going to end. wow my stomach just growled really loud, hopefully no one heard me but if they did ohg well I know they are probably having the same problem. I wonder what my brother is doing I wonder if he quit the football team yet I told him he should just do track but he didn't believe me so that is his fault, but he'll learn they always do. I wonder did my mom send my money for my ATM because I know I could still use it Oh crap the time is almost up I thought my brain would explode

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8

First of all is my class ME 210. I don't want to be taking it at the moment but I will have to take it sooner or later. I am not good at drawing and that is what the class is mainly about. I would love to learn how to do that but I just wish I didn't have to get a grade. I am more worried abut that class than I am about second year cal. I could postpone the class and take it later, maybe during the summer, but I don't know. It will be a hard class for me. The other thing that is on my mind is whether or not I should play baseball. That is a very complicated subject for me. I would be a walk-on. However, several people who know have told me that I could easily make the team. On the other hand, that would be very time consuming. I have a girlfriend back in Waco who is still in high school and I really want to be able to see her. I am afraid that If I played baseball then I would never be able to go home. Also, I am an aerospace engineer and I will have a lot to do besides. The other side is that I have the ability to play and if I don't then I will look back and wish that I had. I have had to deal with this issue all summer. If I do play baseball then I will likely have to change my schedule. On the other hand I think that one of the reasons that I don't want to play is because I might be afraid of not making the team or of upper classmen or scholarship player harassment if I did make the team. People have always told me not to take my girlfriend into consideration when making my decision but I can't do that. They all think that just because I am going off to college that I will find a new girlfriend, and I may, but I don't want to and It won't be anytime soon. We've already talked about marriage and how when she graduates from high school she could come live with me. She is a junior right now so she has two more years. I would love it if we could be living with each other right now. In the year that we have been going out we have never had an argument. I enjoy her company so much. Well that is what is on my mind at the moment.

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23

As I am sitting in the computer room at the Castillion, I am thinking of how dull and boring this room is. The walls are a dull gray color and I am all by myself. The chairs are scattered unorderly throughout the room. I am now trying to decide about what I should do for this weekend. I told my parents I was leaving here Thursday night but I now realized I have a sorority function that night and also on Friday. I then thought about leaving Friday afternoon, but that would mean missing the UCLA game on Saturday. I also have a sorority field day on Sunday which is not mandatory, so I think I am just going to go home Friday night and miss the game Saturday and also the field day Sunday. My classes this year are overwhelming. I am so swamped with work that I'm worried it will not all get done. When I leave this weekend, I hope to get some studying done considering the Castillion is one big party 24 hours a day and it is very difficult to sleep here. I wish people would take others views in mind and be a little more considerate instead of knocking on your door drunk beyond belief at 3:00am on a Tuesday night. I am going to eat at Subway as soon as I'm finished with this paper because I'm starving and I can't concentrate very well. I have about 7 pages to read in philosophy tonight and about 25 pages in biology. This is such a big difference than in high school when you didn't even have to pick up a book to make an "A" in an honors class. I know that some of my friends are going to have a tough time here at UT because their parents were so protective over them and now that they are on their own with 6th street so close, they are going to go crazy. Some already have. My roommate here is great. I grew up with her and we get along very well. I am lucky considering there have been several problems with rooming situations in our dorm. The mail situation at this dorm is terrible. My father sent me an overnight package and it didn't arrive until one week later. The food at this dorm is good though. Well my time is now up and I am going to go eat, finally.

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10

The room seems to be nice and cool, much better than the heat outside. I should keep in mind that in thirty minutes or so I will go to a study group. I'm kind of hungry, i don't know what I should get for dinner today. Should I go for sushi or pasta, why am I so indecisive? I wonder what my friends are doing right now. I hate it when I don't know what to write, or when I have a blank moment. I should remember to check if there are any conflicting exam times with my biology class exam. What is it that makes people tick? As soon as I find the time to, I'm going to read Lord of The Rings. Maybe i shouldn't get sushi because its too expensive, but its also so good. There goes my indecisiveness again. I wonder which song I should listen to next, what am I in the mood for. This song sounds good, I guess I'll stick with this one for a while until I get bored of it. Is there any other homework left, I hate it whenever I get the feeling that I'm forgetting something but can't seem to find out what. It might be a good idea to do laundry this weekend, but i'll probably get lazy again, must remind myself not to be lazy. Maybe I should call my study partner that I might be late in coming because of thi essay. I'll turn around for a while and see what my roommate is watching on TV. I wonder if the music that I'm playing bugs my roommate or not. The TV show thats on right now seems pretty funny. I've never had Mountain Dew: Code Red before, maybe I should try it sometime, that is as soon as they restock the coke machines in my dorm. What is the point of life? All we do is try to become someone who has a purpose in society, and then in the end it doesn't even matter cause we all eventually die. I wonder what it would be like if I could be immortal. Many seems to think that being immortal is a curse cause you'll go through a lot of pain and it'll never end, I on the other hand find it interesting. I hope I can get a high GPA and keep it, it would really be nice if something academic turned out perfectly the way I wanted it to. I still kind of mad at the chemistry online homework, how could I be so stupid as to make such stupid mistakes. Oh well I can make it up on the next homework. I better do good on the exam, cause this is supposed to be easy for me since I've done it all already.

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17

20 minutes. that's a long time. I'm not sure if I have enought thoughts to fill 20 minutes. that's a lot of seconds too. 20 x 60 = 12000 seconds, I think. unless I put one too many zero's and then I suppose it wouldn't be too bad. luckily, I have a timer for the kitchen that my grandmother just sent me for my birthday that I can use to keep track of this writing assignment. I'm also listening to some tunes as I write this. I don't know if that is allowed, but I think I would get too bored if I didn't get to listen to music. I love listening to music very much. and I love belle and sebastian very much which is what I happen to be listening too now. unfortunately, I can not sing nor do I have the ability to play any musical instruments. what a sad sad state of affairs. I am also drinking some orange soda as I write this. mmmmm, orange soda. I just baked a pineapple upside down cake and I think that I just might have turned out well. as well as a pineapple upside down cake can be I suppose. later tonight I think I am going to visit my strange friend kurt and his roommate adam. they are having a little gathering there. it's a good thing I don't have school tomorrow. esp. since I have tons of work to do and I haven't done any of it yet. I have gotten far behind these first couple of weeks. some of it is because of the recent move but that's just an excuse for the most part. I'd just rather be doing other things than homework lots of the time. I really need to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I don't want to work just yet, so that means more school. I am positive that law school is notthe place for me to be. maybe public policy, but even that I'm not all that sure of. maybe someone will offer me a job where all I do is sit around all day playing jezzball, looking cute. maybe they'll pay me lots of money for that. wouldn't that be nice. I'm sure that I wouldnt' be the only applicatant for a job that sweet. I also need to figure out what on earth I'm going to do for my junior fellows project. dean carver is going to freak out if I don't come up with something soon. I'm such a slacker, I don't' know why they keep letting me do stuff at this university. I worry for jessica and her three hours of school this semester. I don't think that's such a good idea. how easy will it be for her to justify dropping that one class? far too. I don't know what she thinks she's going to do with the rest of her life. run off with michael wherever he decides to go in may? that will hardly work for anyone. yikes. they just got back from some kind of party and they were way overdressed. that is pretty funny. I don't' know why they didn't just suck it up. but I guess that would have made them look kind of stupid. I think that this is an interesting turn of events. I also hope that someone doesn't read over my shoulder because I might get in just a little trouble for typing some of the things that I am saying. jessica is complainging about being fat. let me just take this time to mention taht it is fine time for me to get out and exercise or something like that. I guess I won't ever be as thin as I was when I was 16, but it's hard to face that fact. well, they left again, so it's just me and the orange soda and belle aand sebastian again. that's more like I like it. althought michael hasn't benn over here as much since jessica is pissed at him more often these days. it's kind of nice to have him out of my hair. I am suprised that mindy has not yet called today. she is so nuts, I don't even know what to do with her. I am afraid that she might tell catherine some of the things that we've said to her recently since she's so pipolar and loving of catherine two days after she tells her that they're not going to live together next year or buy groceries together. what a nut case. they're all nuts I tell you. not me exculded, just eeeveryone that I know. where are all the sane people in this world? are they hiding out at home afraid to come out because all of us wacko's are walking around outside? wouldn't that be a funny sight to behold. I hope that I can find someone to teach me to play GO. I don't want to have this board just sitting around the house with nothing to do with it. talk about impluse buys. I guess there are worse things to spend money on, but I can't think of what that would be right now. mmm. I want to smoke. this 20 minutes is killing me. so I smoking I suppose, but since I'm not all that excited about living until I'm 80, it's okay that I'm taking seven minutes off my life or whatever that urban legend is. I need to take a shower soon, if I think I'm going out to any kind of party. with this short short hair and all this gunk that I've been putting in it, it is imperative that I wash it soon. it's looking pretty greasy. I'm not sure about this short hair just yet. jacob says that it looks sophisticated, but I think it just looks short. I've never ever had my hair this short. it grows back I guess. I do kind of like the fact that I don't have to do anything with it and that it's not in my way in the slightest bit. that's what I get for letting philip choose what to do with it. that's also what I get for being so indecisive. I'm also worried that these bangs things are going to acause my forhead to break out because they sitting there all teh time. oohhh, the timer just rang and it scared the living bageezers out of me.

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20

If I were to fly to Pennsylvania to see Julia, Brint and I would have to go together, it'd cost a hell of a lot but maybe for spring break or something we could go. She says it's really pretty up there, it gets really cold too. I hate the cold weather. I have an image in my head of these nice clean streets, kind of hilly, in autumn with all the leaves changing colors and falling on the ground. She says it's supposed to be beautiful, like a carpet. And we'd go see Vicky in Philly. Though we'd have to take the train, all sorts of new stuff. But I won't get to see her until Christmas and I know I won't be able to go before that. She's going to Disney world before Christmas so I won't even get to see her much then either. I've never been to Disney world or Disneyland or anything. All I want is some of those Mickey Mouse ears and to ride the teacup ride. I told Cassandra in eighth grade or our freshman year or something that when she went to get me some and I'd pay her back but she never got them. I wish we still would have been friends just a little more in high school. I mean I realize that the whole little group broke up when we got to high school but still. I really wish I was still good friends with Andrea. I miss her so much sometimes. She's dating some guy now that I don't even know, I didn't even know she was dating someone. We used to be such good friends, inseparable. I practically lived at her house an entire summer and we did everything together. Then I left her and she went off and became "popular" or whatever. Which pisses me off because I when we got to high school she was fat and not that pretty and now all of a sudden she's miss beauty queen and she's too good to hang out with me. Not that we would have anything in common these days and I guess it is my own fault for the way things went. But I just wish I would have gotten to share some of those high school things with her. I miss her so much. It's really weird because I have all these best friends, like 5 or 8 and its not like I ever thought about her much in high school. Every once in a while, but now that I'm here it seems that I miss her more, I haven't really thought about her any more than normal I guess. Although right before I left, for a couple of days I thought about her a lot and I really wanted to email her a letter of some sort, kind of apologizing I guess for the way things went between us. They didn't go bad or anything, they just kind of went away. I think I still might email her. The reason behind it all is Jeremy. I talked to him the other day and it was weird. Like it didn't feel weird at the time but now that I look back and think it was just weird. I 'd really like to see him again sometime soon. I don't know why because I know it probably won't be good for me. Things are strange because if I'm not around him for a while I'll think about him and in an odd way miss him. But the second I get around him I suddenly realize why the hell I hate him so much and why I can't stand to be around him. I'm sure I have some underlying issues with all that that I just can't define or pick out. Well I know I do, I dated the damn guy for three years of my life. Three years of high school no less. My first real experiences are all owed to him. Now that I look at it, it was probably a really bad idea, in know it was, to date him all while I'm just being introduced to things in the world. Those are things I should have experienced on my own, not with him in my life. And plus I wasted 3 years of my life, there's no telling who or what would have happened in those three years. Or who I would have become. Which is the other aspect of it, I'm not sure which side I agree with more. Because if it weren't for him I wouldn't be who I am today and I think for the most part I like who I am. And I had all these experiences with him and I learned so much and it just makes you wonder what would have happened and how would I have turned out if I hadn't dated him. I mean I'm glad I have all these experiences under my belt because I sure as hell wouldn't have wanted to come here without knowing a lot of the things I do, and I'm glad they were with somebody I "loved". But it just really gets to me to think, what if. I'm so curious to know how things would have gone if it weren't for him. And now I'm even starting to doubt my love for him. Was I really in love or was I just fooled somehow? I'm sure I loved him as a person, and now I'm even starting to wonder about that too. Maybe it's just the suppressed anger or whatever that makes me doubt my feelings for him, or maybe I just honestly didn't. But I was obviously feeling something at the time. And last time is so much different than this time. That's what brought on the whole questioning thing of do I really know what it is to be in love or am I just imagining these things?

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11

Let's see. I'm sitting here in my dorm room all alone. This is a great time to get some homework done before my roommate comes back. Not that she's not a cool person or anything, I just can concentrate better when I'm alone and when it is quiet. But that is almost impossibe here in Jester. There are always people roaming the halls making loud noises. Like right now! Oh well, it is something I must get used to. Or I can do what I did last night. Wait until around midnight to go to the study lounge located on this floor to get my reading done. I stayed there until 1:30 a. M. I guess I can do my work better at night. My fingers are freezing! This room is so cold! I haven't even figured out how to change the temperature in this room, it is insane. I'm cold even when I go to bed at night with my blanket. I have to constantly keep a sweater on and I cannot wear shorts like I used to back at home. Aw, home! I think I am starting to miss being at home. I called the house the other day and my 11-year old brother told me he misses me. This, ladies and gentlemen, is something that never occurs. I do go back home on Thursday night, but only so that I can get to the DFW airport Friday morning for my flight to Atlanta. I am competing in a sports tournament for my church. I am playing flag football and running track. Another cool thing about this weekend get away is that I get to see the guy I've been dating for less than a month. Well, I've known him for about 4 years, but we just started hanging out a lot after we did a children's camp for my church together. It's funny because he liked me after we were participants in a camp when we were about 13. I went to a dance with him after that, but only because I didn't want to be mean. He is exactly a year and 13 days younger than me. That was always an issue for me before, but for some reason, I really don't care anymore. He is the sweetest and funniest guy I have ever met. I actually just got out of a 3 year and 3 month relationship a month ago. Me and my ex-boyfriend decided that since we were both going off to college, we should take time apart and maybe date other people since he was my first and only boyfriend. A week after we broke things off, this new guy I'm dating told me he had feelings for me. I was so confused and didn't know what to do because I had just got out of a relationship and I was going to be moving to Austin in a few weeks. But I'm normally the uptight girl that can't let loose and enjoy myself. Because of that, I decided that I'd go ahead and be true to my feelings and attempt to actully be with another guy. We decided we'd just go with the flow and not really label ourselves. My ex found out and was extremely jealous. It just bites that he showed his love and affection for me after he hears about me being with another guy. But oh well, that's life I guess. I am really glad I continued to see this other guy, regardless of what my ex had to say. I spent every day with him until the day I left. I have never met anyone that has made me laugh so much. He is amazing. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'll fall too hard and too quickly for him. I mean I did just get out of a serious relationship and I don't think I'm quite ready for another one. That's the only problem I'm having right now. The fact that he's a high school student does not bug me as it used to. But the distance might become an issue. It was an issue in a way for me and my ex, so I do feel a tad bit guilty that I'm willing to work things out with this new guy rather than my ex. But my ex did not treat me as well as this new one is treating me. But yeah, that is basically what has been on my mind like everyday while at UT. But I am definitely loving it here in Austin. I enjoy all of my professors and classes. Having two biology classes and a chemistry class, however, can be tough. In addition I am taking this psychology class, which I dropped economics for because it seems way more fun and interesting. Other than that I have my freshman seminar class, which has the topic of promoting health in multicultural populations. I just finished the reading for that class right before I started this assignment. Ah, my hands are still so cold. What do I do?! My ears are feeling very cold too. Must I wear gloves in the summer in my DORM ROOM?! Or my bad, it is the fall now. Same thing. Today is the day for my mile run. Ever since I moved to Austin, I have been running a mile every other day at the Gregory Gym. I absolutely love that place! And it is so convenient because it is right next to Jester. Freshman 15 can kiss my booty because I am staying in shape! I find that I've been working out more here than I was doing at home in the summer. I really love this lifestyle I have at UT. The whole freedom thing is still a bit overwhelming, but I do not feel like I am abusing it. I did party a lot this weekend, but I didn't drink or anything. People keep calling me a party girl and it is actually making me a bit upset. I don't want people to view me as a party girl because I'm not out of control or anything. Oh well. I see that this writing is almost up. That wasn't too bad!

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19

Well I finally got into this computer. I have been waiting in line for a while and I'm really not sure what to say on this assignment. My mind is going crazy because I really don't know how to use these computers but I did figure it out. I think I might have sent an empty page or two to you because I wasn't sure that I didn't have to press enter when I was through typing my name and social security number. I shouldn't have left this to be done for the last minute. This assignment is due today by 5 p. m. and I hope that they go through to you. I really don't know that much about computers but they sure are smart. Well the person who programmed these computers are smart. I hope I do well in this class because I would like to have a good grade point average when I finish school. There are only three people in my family that have gone to college and this includes me. I really want to show my parents that I can do well on my own and be ( I just forgot what I was going to say sorry!) I can't think of the word right at this moment but it will eventually come to me. I'm not really sure if this is what you want me to be writing but I will try my best to tell you what I am thinking. I am confused right now because I am thinking of many things that I have to do. I am behind in one class and that is philosophy. I can't really comprehend what philosophers are saying. To me, I think some of the things they say are pointless, but hey that's just what I think. Last night I was trying to catch up on my reading but I can't really understand things when I can barely read what they have to say. I guess I have to read it a few times before I really understand what they are trying to say. It's like they never come to a point until a few hours later. My back hurts, not that you wanted to know that but that's what I'm thinking. I am trying my hardest this year trying not to procrastinate as much as I used to in highschool but highschool is different. I am running out of things to say and I am just typing empty words on the screen because my time is going so slow. I have about ten more minutes. I will tell you what I am doing this weekend and about my apartment complex. When my roommate and I moved into our apartments we had a few problems with management and our "home". First we were supposed to get our apartment fully furnished but some things were missing and management decided not to tell us until we had to ask them. We were missing a couch and a few chairs. I really didn’t mind about that because as long as I had a bed to sleep in I was fine. But my roommate finds any little thing to gripe about. It's like she has to have something to argue about and someone to argue with, which is usually with me because I am the only one there. I do not know how her boyfriend can put up with her. I think I am going to live alone next year if things keep going the way they are going. Anyway, back to the apartment, our water was not working we had no telephone and a few things were wrong also but now that they are working I could care less about them. I am so tired, I haven't been awake this early in a long time. Well my twenty minutes are up and I hope this is what you wanted. I should of asked questions but I am too shy or maybe embarrassed to go up to one of you to ask. I think it's shyness more than embarrassment. Good-bye!!

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16

I am really tired. I got up this morning at 7:45 to go get tickets for the seniors in my fraternity, and I don't even know if I'll get to go. They're for the Texas vs. OU game in October. I was up last night until 3:30 and I had to wake up at 7:45 this morning to go wait in line at the stadium. I have the song Nashville Blues by Cory Morrow in my head because last night, after walking Rachel back to her room, I came in to find three half-naked, drunken frat boys had wandered into my room and awoken my roommate. They were making him play Nashville Blues while they sung and taped the entire episode. They claimed to be filming Towers Gone Wild, which was a take-off of Girls Gone Wild, only filmed at Towers. I have recently been seeing a cute girl, but I am sort-of afraid of commitment. Twenty minutes seems to me like a long time to type. I've barely made it through six minutes, and I am pretty much ready to go to bed and stop doing this. This girl is really cute and sweet, but I just got over a really hard break-up, and I am kind-of anxious about getting into a new relationship where the same thing could happen. I think that it is funny that, although I'm supposed to be writing in stream-of-consciousness, my spelling and grammar are almost impeccable. I wonder if the person who reads this will agree. I probab;y made a typo on some really easy word, and therefore the grader will assume that I am a pompous idiot that is too conceited to see my own faults. Or maybe that's me talking. Maybe I'm grading myself when I say something like that. Nine minutes and forty three seconds. It's funny that by the time I had written nine minutes and forty three seconds, that time had passed. I am now very ready to stop this assignment. Twenty minutes is not an absurd amount of time for the professor to ask for, but it does seem like a long time to write without stopping. I wonder what Tank is doing. I wonder if Laurie is going to come over to see him. I don't like Laurie very much. I think she's very annoying. She whines far too much. Now I'm whining about her. I hope I'm not keeping my roommate up with my typing. This keyboard is pretty loud. I still have to write for another seven minutes. My neck itches. There, that's better. My composition has gotten much less formal and much more personal since I mentioned the perfection of my spelling and grammar. Tank just walked in and totally interruptd my train of thought. He doesn't really respect people's space too much. But he's an overall pretty good guy. If I go to sleep in fifteen minutes, I can take a three and a half hour nap before I have to be at the house to build. I am not going to Philosophy. I am too tired. I don't really think I'll be missing too much, because if I did go, I would fall asleep in there as well. My bed is much more comfortable than those tables in the Law Building. That is a really long walk. I takes thirty minutes. My back hurts. I need a shower. I need a cup of iced tea. I actually don't NEED either of those. I just WANT a shower and a cup of iced tea. And a nap. I'm a pretty funny guy, if I put my mind to it. Right now, I'm not putting my mind to anything but sleep. English was boring today. just like every other day. I think I probably failed that reading quiz. I probably got a fifty. I read about fifty percent of the selection. My professor must be pretty good at making quizzes if they're that accurate. I never had that happen in high school. I'm just going to stop now. Good night.

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4

As I sit here in my dorm room, I am really tired, probably because I stayed up late doing homework last night. My body feels sore but I like to workout so that doesn't really bother me much. I can not really concentrate right now, but that is probably because I just woke up and I still feel half asleep. I feel very stressed out right now because I have a chemistry exam on friday and I need to read to the chapters. I guess I should not have procrastinated, but I do that a lot. My roommate is actually going to class for once, and I am very happy for her. Hurray! I thought this assignment was going to be a lot easier than it is, but I guess not. I am really thirsty right now. My hair has gotten really long, and I am very happy about that because I cut it all off recently but it is growing back. My knee really hurts because I am out in the hot sun, but then go in the freezing classroom, so whenever there is a temperature change my knee aches. My junior year in high school I tore my ACL and had reconstructive surgery, so I have screws in it. My roommate just left and it is so hard to do anything around here because she just keeps talking to me even when it is obvious I am busy. How annoying! And she uses my computer all of the time to talk to her boyfriend and it is my computer. Like when I got on to do this paper, she wrote that she had to go and she was sorry but hopefully I would be quick about it. I wanted to tell her something so bad but we have to live together for a year and I don't want to make it a living hell. I don't know how to approach the situation with out us hating each other, but if this keeps on, I will end up hating her. Living with girls sucks because we are all so petty. I skipped my calculus discussion this morning, but it is my only class on tuesdays and thursdays and it had to be at 8 a. m. in RLM, which is so far and I hate that building! well my time is just about up and I am really excited because I am tired of typing.

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24

I wanted to write about something traumatic that happened to me because, apparently, traumatic experiences and how to deal with them is a pretty big fandango in this class. Something just happened, though, so I want to write about that and see where it takes me in the next nineteen minutes or so. The computer assistant in the theatre department (where I am right now, being a theatre major and all) just complimented me on my hat, a black fedora I bought in Greenwich Village about a year and a half ago. I was visiting for about a week over spring break and auditioning for the elusive Experimental Theatre wing of NYU's Tisch School of the Arts. After a fairly successful audition I concentrated all of my efforts of exploring, something I had done about seven or eight months earlier the first time I visited. This time I was alone, though. The time before I had my brother, eighteen months my junior and my closest friend, at my side and all was well. This time I had to w2ait a couple of days for his arrival, since he couldn't get off school and I could, being a senior and having a few excused absence "college days" on my hands. So I set out to explore and found a bar in the mob district of Little Italy that didn't ID and I found myself drunkenly wandering the streets of New York, stumbling upon Strawberry Fields in a haze and not realizing the significance until about a week later. After three days of being lost in my drugged little haze my brother joined me. When I picked him up at the airport I noticed that I had taken to thinking of myself as a New Yorker. I had adopted the city and there was a definite change in the way my brother and I related to each other. This changed over the next four days, though, as he assimilated into New York the way I had and we set out to Little Italy to begin our evenings with a little pasta, a Nat King Cole impersonator, a jug of white wine every night, and a restaurant owned by the mob. After taking in as much of the culture and the underbelly of the city we found ourselves down to our last (having just dropped twenty bucks on some Thai food that smelled like sewer filth). It was our second to last day in the city and we decided to thrift store shop and try to extend our dollars as far as they would go. Then we saw them. In a small shop in the Village (not that there aren't a billion of them) we both saw fedoras that just said "you". We ended up dropping our last fifty dollars on our new hats and had to pay for our ride to the airport ( a limo, surprisingly cheaper than a taxi because it had a set fare) with a handful of quarters. We hadn't eaten for two days and there wasn't a meal of any kind on the plane (not even peanuts) so we wound up in Houston on a two hour layover with nothing to do, empty stomachs, and no money. I ended up begging, trying to sell a stack of demo tapes I had cut for two bucks a pop. I ended up selling two, and we ate the best Taco Bell that has ever been eaten by a human. I remember that the only people who bought the tapes were other musicians. Maybe it's a karma thing ("Wow, that guy looks pathetic. Better buy his tape because that could be me someday. ") One way or the other they understood. I was upset just because my plan was to randomly hand out this stack of tapes to people as they departed for different corners of the country, hoping that they would like it and that underground distribution would abound. Maybe it worked: I still don't know. I know it was passed around quite a bit in south Texas, but not much further than that. Oh, well. By the by, I'm really tired right now because my band played a two hour show last night. We haven't played that long in about a year, since clubs usually limit you to an hour or less. We used to go two hours without even trying when we were playing for our friend's parties, but now we've gotten lazy. Last night really woke us up. I was so drenched in sweat that I actually had to wring out my shirt after the show. We didn't even get a decent crowd until the last thirty minutes or so. That's ok. Better things will come along soon enough. We play every Thursday at Black Cat, which has no cover and is all ages. For some reason, this alone does not attract a crowd. It's really upsetting. I know we're not a bad band, so it's really frustrating when you can't talk people out of disco dancing at Bob Popular to enjoy a free show that accepts all ages and doesn't involve a DJ. Someday. About that traumatic experience. About five months ago I was hit by a car while I was crossing the street into Trudy's off Guadalupe. It was late and I was wearing all black and the guy didn't see me. I was looking the other way because I saw the car that hit me but he seemed too far away to reach me. I was more concerned about cars coming from the other direction, which is a curving road that is hard to see down. When he hit me his fender shattered my leg and I was thrown onto his windshield. He didn't brake until then and the force of him braking as I hit the windshield sent me flying into the road about twenty feet out. I never lost consciousness and never really felt all that dazed or affected by it. I just calmly looked up, announced that my "fucking leg was broken" and asked one of my friends to call 911. Then I just lay down in the road waiting for the ambulance. It started to rain. That night I was taken to Brackenridge and left alone for about an hour at a time in the ER. Only one of my friends cam to visit me. She held my hand while they pieced my leg back together and set it into a cast. They had already pumped me with morphine and I heard them mumble about amputation a time or two, but eventually they settled on inserting a rod from my knee to my ankle. The morphine did nothing to me, though, because they gave it in light doses and after years of recreational drug use I wasn't really affected. That and the pain was coming from the one part of my body where intravenous drugs couldn't possibly go. I ended up just biting down on a folded-up blanket, not wanted my screams to disturb others in the ER. Over the next three days I was observed and recovered quicker than anyone imagined. My family came to be with me from San Antonio, except for my dad who was in Orlando on business. He wanted to rush to Austin to be with me but I didn't want him to see me tied up to machines and weak. I knew he couldn't handle it. After about a half hour of coaxing he stayed in Orlando. He hasn't had a drop of alcohol in twenty years after getting a kidney removed before I was born. That night he drank himself into submission. Slowly my friends from the theatre department began creeping in until I had a steady stream of visitors and a room full of flowers, candy, and porn (don't ask). The faculty came to make sure that I was alright, something I never would've expected, and one night my nurse ( a Mary Poppins sort of woman) turned my bed so that I could see the tower lit up in orange. I've never had school spirit or pride in any organization whatsoever, but for some reason I cried. For some reason I loved the sight of the tower at that moment. I've recovered completely. I was angry for a while and spent a lot of time screaming and damning anyone who could walk while I made my way around in a wheelchair. I marveled at the fact that, even when I was on crutches, nice families at the Arboretum would still pull their children closer and hold their purses tighter. I began to keep a journal, but by the time I had written five entries my anger was gone. My depression was gone. I couldn't even dwell of death, which I know I had cheated. I was just glad to be alive and to put it all behind me. Now I'm physically and emotionally recovered. I don't have nightmares and I don't fear cars. I don't know why. Maybe I'll learn that this semester. For some reason I recovered very nicely in all aspects from this whole awful little episode. The good thing is that I'm happy and sober now. I had attempted suicide twice this past year, once just two weeks before the accident. Then I was put in a situation where I didn't try and death actually came for me, and I fought to stay alive. That's always struck me as odd. Oh well. For whatever reason I am a happier, if quieter person. Things are good. I'm looking forward to psychological experiments this year. Now I'm off. I've written for about thirty minutes and I think it's time for a cigarette. Bye bye now.

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21

So what should I write? I have no clue. Oh, about the survey I did in the class today. It's pretty good. I mean I like the one on homosexuality. I am gay, and I know my answers are very biased. To me, I either strongly agree or strongly disagree. Hey, it's about my identity and the society I am living in. I have to, sort like, defend for what I believe in, although I don't have much choices in picking my own identity. What am I thinking? Why am I so excited about it? I have come out for a rather long period of time, yet I am still nervous about the whole issue. I am a very lucky guy, I have not met a lot resistance from the society as a whole. Somehow, I only have the problem finding the right guy. When I was young, I have those innocent thoughts about love and romance. I have always believed that there definitely is a right guy for me. Yeah, that was a huge joke. As I become more mature, I become more practical, just like everyone else. All right, I shall only speak for myself. I know love to me is a pathetically realistic concept. No more space for imagination. God, why am I writing this? I had just promised myself to forget about the existence of love, right after the Jonathan issue. It shall not work for me. I am too pretentious, arrogant, determined, etc. Anyway, moving on to something else. Man, there are 10 more minutes left. The sky is so dark. I wonder what is out there. I know one thing is that I am not scared of anything. I want to know, I want to discover, I want to enjoy life beyond it's practical dimensions. There is the moon. No, I am lying. The moon is not visible at the beginning of the month. Well, I wish I could see it though. I have heard enough Chinese stories about the angels on the moon. I hope I can live there sometimes. The earth is too complicated, and it is also very cruel. I just want to go somewhere and forget all the problems and relieve all the stress. I really just want to be with my closest friends for a little while and leave everything else alone. Oh, not possible. Why am I writing this. I swear to God that I have never been so senseless before. My fingers are typing things which my mind cannot direct. Weird, I need help. Maybe this is the point of this assignment, to get lost and throw away the conscious. Ok, 2 more minutes. What am I going to do this weekend? How about 6th street. I really like Paradox. The music is good and so is the place. Yep, that's it. Friday night hanging out with pals. Cool. Maybe I can meet some cute guys. Oh, come on, my brain is out. My roommate is home. Finally. I gotta go, time is up, my fingers are little tired. Bye.

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19

There is alwaysa thought in out mind, or is there? Do we only think when we are conciously aware of it, or do we think all the time? I ask myself a lot of stange question all the time. I hear the sound of a tennis match on the television. I wonder what the people at the tennis match are thinking? They are watching the game, but are they conciously thinking about it? I am sitting in my friend's dorm room, typing on her computer while she sits watching tennis, and doing calculus. I bet she is too distracted by tennis to actually "do" her homework. That's ok. I am doing well at tuning it out, but then again, I don't really like tennis! I wonder how many people actually like tennis? I really have to use the restroom!I know that came out of no where, but I was thinking about it. You know that if you order things on line, if it's not in Texas, well you have to pay S/H, but if you order a lot it can really save you money. I wish I made more money. I still don't know weather I should quit my current, cozy job, for a new strange one that pays more money? I have established a history, and many friendships at my current job, so why should I leave? But at the same time more money would help me out in the long run. or would I just spend more? That's is what our world seems to be all about making money, and for some, making the MOST money. I don't want to get caught up in the rat race of making money, but sometimes I am afraid that I already have. I should really be more conservative with my money so that I won't worry about having enough. I know that it's a vicious cycle. I wonder, will anyone actually read this? sorry, I ask many questions, I know that they will ever be answered, but I ask anyway. When will we find the answers? Are the answers to many of lifes questions obtainable, or are we never to know? I think one day we will know these answeres, and we will say, "Wow, the answers were right in front of me the whole time!" Sometimes I think that we make things too complicated! We should relax and let the answes come to us! That's what many artists have to do to become inspired, if they think to hard, then they can't think of anything! Kind of crazy hu? Well I think that this enough thought for today, have a great day!!

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22

Today I felt very happy. This morning at church I felt more comfortable becuase it was more traditional to me. I guess after my youth back at my hometown that's all I like. My stomach hurts a little right now, as much as I eat I don't know why I keep losing weight. Last night was our date with Martha and Zra, it didn't go as planned, at least for me. I don't know what the deal is, but my luck with women is just not the best. Man, those little granola bars are the best, the one I ate with my salad today. I'm thinking about talking to that girl in the cafeteria. She is 22 I think, but then again, age is only a number in college. In college it doesn't feel like I'm classified anymore, it's just that I'm an adult now. Since I've been here, I miss my family, but I haven't gotten homesick. Traffic here is horrible, it's to fast. I want to see that new movie Freddy v. s. Jason. I don't know why but I read that this girl wasn't into scary movies. It's dark outside, I think I'm going to go run after this. Well the Titans v. s. Raiders game is on. I went to Ernie's house yesterday to go watch all the football games that went on for college. Hopefully I don't get challenged for beating Robby and Ernie at NCAA. That referee has an anoying voice. I ate a cookies and cream Ice Cream bar, it was pretty good. My roommate is laying down. I don't know why it seems he doesn't have as much school work as I do. I type pretty fast for a guy. I really need to get that program for my computer with Power point and all. Right now I'm looking at a picture of my family and pet's. I think I have to have the best parent's ever, I mean, if it weren't for them I wouldn't be here right now. I kind of want to here some Ron Isley. This guy said he french kiss a french woman. Kinda funny. This weekend we went to Spiro's, met up with Stephen, couldn't get a wristband. My printer is so slow, it's loud also. My fingers are kind of cramping and I still have 10 minutes left. There is a little running icon on the left of my screen. The sky looks awesome right now, it's like the sun just passed the horizon. I got back in at 5 a. m. last night. I was pretty tired, I ate a pop tart before I went to bed. I don't know why, but I knew I shouldn't have ate but I was hungry. I always think to myself If you just sleep through it, you won't be hungry" I talked to Brittany today, she is pretty hot. I think she has a boyfriend back in her hometown. Speaking of which, why is everyone going back home? They just got here. I know if I went to Tech I wouldn't be going home all the time. I keep hearing a little bit of words from the TV and it said " the crowd is loud " and "another flag down " Stickie note says, Aug 29 FIG meeting. Our FIG supervisor is pretty hot also. She is a sophomore, so maybe I could talk to her too. Next week we play arkansas. I remember one time at Tech during my athletic training for NCA, I thought I was in a tornado. Rosalinda was eating pizza that night. A bright neon light. I hope that this test doesn't say that I think about food to much, I've said something about food like 6 times. I used to be a big guy, 280 lbs. Now I'm down to 210. I feel better, just not sculpted. I'm kinda nervous to go to Greogory gym to go join a rec sport. I'm not sure how it works and I don't have the money to just throw up in the air. Hey, I just looked away from the computer for once. Right now as I type I'm looking at all the wires on the floor. That could start a fire. Nah, the papers are not close enough. That didn't make sense. I have this candle from initiation the other night. I kept it because I like keeping sentimental. I also collect coca cola bottles. I gave up cokes like a year ago. I think this whole year I might of had 10 cokes all together. That's healthy. Especially here, all you can do is sweat here, I hate it. The trash can is fully, I threw it yesterday but I forgot to put a bag in it. I hear someone passing outside. You know, sometimes I drift away from my mind set when I drive. It's like I don't remember how I was driving from point A to point B. It's kind of hard to explain. It usually happens when I have a millions things running through my head. Internet globe. That recycling commercial keeps coming on that bad ass station. 93. 3. Love. My mom loves me, she wants to send me money for my birthday next week. Wow, the big 19. I'm getting old, only 2 more years and all will be good. Something I've waited for in awhile. My grandparent's. God bless their souls. I miss them so much. Love you Grandma and Grandpa!

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29

Right now I'm a little bit depressed, not much has gone my way this week. I made some fabulous friends last week and we were all planning on going home together tomorrow, but now they seem not to want me to go with them. I don't know why everyone is getting mad all of the sudden, maybe it's something in the air. quite ridiculous, if you ask me. I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing, which is strange because I have tried so hard to not let little things get to me. My mom has always told me that I was overly sensitive, I thought I could overcome it, I think I can overcome anything. I had Mono a few years ago, and I overcame that one. My mind has not been forced to think in a while, people that I've talked to are just not to stimulating, I guess I should go and hang out in a coffee shop or something. I always thought college was going to be so much fun, and it's really not. I am this close to packing my bags and going home. Last week, I was the stereotypical college student and now, definitely not. My roommate and I are just not compatible, I mean she's a nice girl and all and she has good intentions, but I find her incredibly dull and childlike. She is a sophomore and I am a freshman. She has a really low self esteem and that's something that I don't deal well with, because I used to too. I don't like to think about those times, because I've overcome them. I fear that she is what I will become and it makes me resent her a bit. I don't want to live the life, or lack thereof, that she is leading. I make my life incredibly competitive, and I like to win. My cousin is down here, she rushed, she's actually in this class. But we've competed with each other all of our lives, whether the other one realized it or not, driving home, getting ready, meeting guys, they were all competitions. She and I are both incredibly stubborn too, so we butt heads quite often. I know that I've changed this year, and she has too, but we've changed differently. She's become more and more dependent on people, she can't be alone at all and I've become more and more independent of folks, for instance tonight, I walked over to the turtle pond and fed the fish, Carrie would freak out if someone told her to do that alone, but I really enjoyed myself tonight, I haven't felt that quiet peace in a long time down here. I don't know if UT is the right place for me, and I don't know. This is ridiculous. I'm here, and I'll graduate from here. Is this the sort of paper you're looking for? My mind is definitely not in a deep ponderous mood. This his how my mind works, worry after worry. I'd rather not get too far into myself here, if that's alright. On a happy note, I saw a guy in my Philosophy class today with absolutely Amazing hair. It was bleach blond and had four inch spikes! I admire people being gutsy enough to do that, never in my life would my hair be in spikes or fuchsia, I'll just stay the way I am. I miss my dog. I talked on the phone to my parents last night and I heard her bark in the background. I am ready to go home that's pretty much what has gotten me through this week. It has been the first time that I've gotten homesick. I think it's because I am going home tomorrow. Before, I didn't get homesick because I didn't allow myself to think about it too much, but I saw a Dallas Morning News today and got all choked up. What is all of this about anyway? Where do I benefit in the long run of living with someone I don't like and being forced to eat bad food? I'd much rather be in my own apartment. HA! My folks would really go for that one. They are so overprotective. The people that I was originally going home with are going to the Dave Matthews concert, and my mom won't let me go, I'm also not allowed to go to the TX v. OU game. That is stinky! I just need a good cry and a good nap and a hug from my grandma and everything will be fabulous again. I swear! If my roommate asks one more time if I want to talk about anything that's bothering me I will scream. I told her already that I'm writing a paper and she is still jabbering. Okay, Deep Breath. Back to Grandma. She is the cutest old lady in the entire world. She is definitely a cookiecutter grandma. It's fabulous. I told her I was coming home and she got so excited! My twenty minutes are up, but I feel much better now, I'm glad I got to take all of my emotion out on this essay rather than on my roommate! I don't know quite how to end my thoughts, even though I am 99. 99% sure that no one will ever read this.

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11

Well, my first thought is that I don't quite understand this activity. I'm not sure if you want me to tell you my thoughts, as in a journal, or just irrevelant thoughts that pop into my head as I type, therefore I'll just write a journal entry. Well, right now I'm mad at my friend because she seems to be choosing her boyfriend over me to hang out with, so I guess that would make me jealous. And it doesn't help the fact that she and her boyfriend are the only two people at UT that I know. Another feeling that I'm experiencing is sadness and homesickness. I just talked to my best friend, who is attending the University of North Texas, and she was describing to me how much fun she is having and how many friends she is making-this makes me sad because I know that she is having more fun than I am. I think jealousy has a little to do with that also. I talk to my parents almost every day, and they describe their everyday life to me, and I feel left out almost, because I can't be there with them. I miss the normalcy of home. I miss waking up in the morning and knowing who my friends are, and what to expect in my classes. I know that things will change, I'm just really anxious for that to happen. Sometimes I doubt if I made the right decision by coming to UT. Would things be different if I were at UNT with my best friend? I know things would be better. I was always afraid that if I went to UNT, my best friend would think that I was going there only because I couldn't make friends anywhere else. I only decided to come here to UT because they have an outstanding business department, and I plan to major in Management Information Systems(MIS). I'm a little overwhelmed right now because it seems like there is so much to do. In every single class so much is expected of you. It will just take a little time to get used to everything. I don't adapt well to change-I'm very much a habitual person.

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17

I'm also, I just got interrupted by a friend of mine I always seem to run into someone when I'm in the computer lab she's in my Spanish class which is nice because she always makes me laugh I wish I could type I can't so this assignment is going very slowly for me anyway back to my friend she and I used to live together my freshmen year then over the summer we both went to the same language school in Mexico only I didn't know she was going to be there and vice versa we saw each other in the court yard of the school one day by chance it was pretty weird to go all the way to another country just to run into your housemate I'm pretty tired and these 20 minutes aren't going by very fast I need to get home so I can watch road rules but I don't know where to catch my bus which is a little comical considering that my 20 years old I should know how to use public transportation I don't though because I usually drive but the parking situation is so bad I would have to wake up at the crack of dawn to find a parking place even then it would probably take an act of God oh well I don't have to worry about that today I only need worry about finding my bus I think it's in front of jester I have a lot of classes in jester this semester which I don't like I hate that place it reminders me of my freshmen year not that I lived there it's just that it's such a freshmen place and it smells bad like a day care center ok I would like to apologize for that low blow I was a freshmen too once speaking of freshmen why given the parking problem are they allowed to have cars on campus that pisses me off

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30

ok im sitting on my bed. i kind of wish i was at home on my bed. i like my new room a lot, and i like my new bed a lot but i miss home. i am not sad here but i just miss my old way of life and my old setting. i wish i could go back to elementary school. those were the good old days. i love my old neighborhood. i definitely want to send my kids to my elementary school. i miss the scots football games the most. i have been going to them since 5th grade, maybe? i love the atmosphere. everyone is happy and excited it is friday and you get to talk to everyone and its so fun! i like watching my friends play football and the feeling after we won. after i made belles, the scots games became even more fun. i can't explain that feeling, waiting to line up and dance on the field. you are so nervous and anxious and shaking. then the lieutenants bow and you scream for them and then the music starts. we strut out and its such an out-of-body experience. you are standing before thousands of people, and you are smiling so big and bright. not because you have to, but because you want to and you can't help it. i don't think its possible to not smile. then you get ready to dance. and you start dancing and its the best feeling in the world. you feel so weird. and you don't want to mess up. and when the music stops you are so proud. of yourself and of your team. and you stand up and strut out towards the crowd and all the fans are standing and cheering and clapping and smiling and you can't help but smile too. because all the parents are truly amazed. and all the little girls, the little girls that you used to be, are staring at you in awe. they want to be you so badly. because everyone in the community looks up to you. and you represent so much positive energy in the community. and the little boys want your autograph. and they want to date you when they're in high school. you feel like a celebrity. its your moment to shine. your fifteen minutes of fame. its ineffable. i can't describe the feeling, but its the best. i miss those days so much. i would give anything to go back to that. but i cant, and thats what kills me. i can't wait to go back to the scots game in a few weeks. it will be so weird to see my younger friends dancing. to my favorite dance ever. to my first dance on the field. it was the best dance anyone had seen. and the sad thing is, i won't be a part of it. it will be one of those bittersweet moments. i love those moments. i live for those moments. they make you so happy and so sad at the same time. it makes me so happy to reminisce in my favorite days. i don't know how i will feel when i go back to that stadium because it will be so different. most of my friends will be gone. i like my new lifestyle in college. its fine. but i loved what i had. i don't like getting older. im fine with where i was. i feel like my life is going by so fast. i feel like my best days are behind me. i can't believe how fast high school went by. if i could, i would go back and do it all over again. exactly the same way. i would make the same mistakes and everything. just to relive those incredible four years. they werent always fun, but it was a good experience. instead of reliving them, i would like to just watch it all on video. watch everything I've ever done. i miss camp too. i learned everything about life at camp. it makes me so sad to think im not a camper anymore. thats how i know im old. thats how i know my life is going by so fast. camp is pure happiness. all of my favorite things in life are behind me and i don't know what to do about it. i am really enjoying school here. like the classes itself are so interesting and im really enjoying them. but the work is becoming overwhelming. and i don't like going out at night. i don't like socializing with superficial people. i feel surrounded by sin. by people who only care about being cool or something. i just love the days when everyone was innocent. and it didnt matter what you did on the weekend. it didnt matter who your friends were as long as you were happy with them. everyone was nice. and on friday nights we would eat dinner at jacks and then go to the scots game. when everything was perfect. and you didnt worry about anything. seriously, stress wasnt an issue. school work was nothing because it was so easy. everything was done for you. you went to soccer practice and you went to school. that was it. it was so simple. did i realize that then? did i thoroughly enjoy it while i was there? or do i just love it looking back on it? i don't know why i like living in the past. but i enjoy dwelling in it. it makes me happy and sad at the same time. my best friend is the same way. she is the best person i know. i don't know how i will survive the next four years without her physically by my side everyday. she is the only person that fully understands me because she is me. she feels the same way. and how many times have we talked about these good old days? the elementary school that we loved so much and the scots games that were the highlight of our weekend. every chance we got. and i could do it again and again with her. even if we repeated the same words. just as long as i got to relive it for those few minutes. i can't believe life in my community is going on without me. i know my home is much quieter now. and i know my mom is longing for the days she walked me to elementary school, probably as much as i am. i wonder if when i leave college in four years ill be longing to go back to the beginning. should i be spending these moments living in the excitement because soon these will be the good old days? i can't see how they are. i like my dorm a lot. i can smell all these flowers. i can't believe im a pi phi. thats how i know im old. if i had chosen anything else, i would be denying my past. my mom is a part of me so thats why i chose what i chose. i have been waiting to be a pi phi for as long as i can remember. only i assumed i would be at smu. did i choose the right school? i didnt really choose because i wasnt ready to go and i don't think im ready to be here

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12

I honestly have no earthly idea. I just woke up about 2 hours ago. Drop off my younger sister at her school, which is my old high school. My boyfriend is still a senior there. At times it is awkward going there but at the same time very comfortable. I brought my (old) teacher a lot of buckets for the upcoming carnival for the little kids. I enjoy bringing her to school 1, because I remember how horrible bus rides were. So I never rode it. Actually I rode it 2yrs in middle school, because my mom could not drop me off. And secondly I get to see my Bert. It is weird being in a relationship, not because it is uncomfortable. More like it is a different experience. I never really had a relationship until my senior year. It really isn't hard balancing my priorities. My number one priority is finishing school. Hey, I realized that my typing isn't as bad as I thought. I still have to look at the keys at times. Back to Bert. He really is an extremely wonderful person, cute, good husband material( not that I am thinking about that right now) It's just that it really is hard to find someone genuinely nice and sincere to everyone, and especially you. I think it just sucks that he is my first true relationship. Because, the old notion that the first most likely isn't the last. Only time will tell. It's about 10:02 and I didn't go to work today. Instead, I am doing this lovely assignment. Excuse my typing, I am not that good. Oh, I know what else I am thinking. My big 18 B-Day is coming up, and my dad is still holding strict control over me. Like I am twelve all over again. He doesn't realize that I am growing up and staying home this year doesn't help. Although, I love my home and mother. I only wish certain straining attitudes would alter. My first class today is math 305G. oh, boy! My teacher is actually, pretty nice. Right now it is much more of a review, and my homework assignment is due today also. There were only actually a few problems that I quite couldn't recall. I just have to practice on more problems. I am not at all surprised of my needed review. The problems were wonderful word problems which I have never seemed to master without practice. Well look here it is three minutes past my 20 minutes. and these people are becoming a little antsy (I think that is how you spell it) about time limits. Oh, if you actually do read any parts of these assignment I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS BECAUSE I JUST WAS THINKING THAT YOUR CLASS IS ACTUALLY ENJOYABLE. AND I HOPE TO MEET ONE DAY NEXT WEEK, INSTEAD OF BEING A NUMBER IN YOUR 50000000 PERSON CLASS. (JUST A LITTLE PLAY WITH NUMBERS) Adios, till we meet again for the next writing assignment. Which I'll do tomorrow, because we can't do 2 in one day. Bye WRITING ASSIGNMENT 1 433613201

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5

As I sit in my dorm room at this point in my life, I can think of one thing only, sadness. Sadness because I miss my family and my boyfriend and because I feel extremely lonely at this huge school. I am overwhelmed with my thoughts and concerns. I am scared about meeting new people, scared about making good grades, and in general I'm scared about starting all over again. I know that I should be so excited that I get this opportunity to begin my life again and start new adventures, but I'm not. Last summer, for the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged and I was extremely happy. Of course as soon as I obtained that wonderful feeling, it is ripped away from me at an instant. I feel like I am so stressed out here because I have so much to do at all hours of the day. I'm a very high strung person and need to relax a lot and I'm not really given that opportunity here. Joining a sorority was something I thought I had to do when I got here. So I did and I'm not sure it was the right decision for me. I think snobbery overwhelms my sorority and that bothers me a great deal. I really don't know exactly what my problem is but I just don't feel comfortable here. I am in love for the first time and the guy I love is in Fort Worth. We are not dating because we both agree it would be too hard but I love him so much that words could not possibly describe. It hurts to be in love and know that I will probably never be with him because of our location. I want to transfer but I I would be terrified to do that just for a guy. But when I think about it, I would do that for him. My thoughts are in a jumble right now and I feel many emotions running through my body. I'm not quite sure what I am going to do at this point in my life. My confusion, anger, and stress take over my life and it will take some time to figure out who I am and what I want with my life.

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20

first a bit of background last Friday on my way home at three in the morning my brother flipped our car and it rolled twice I guess my last few days have been mainly taken up by thoughts of what happened I guess I am the kind of person who analyzes what they do after the fact and right now I'm trying to go through my emotions really wasn't afraid I wonder why I mean we were that close to death if we had flipped 10 yards later we would have fallen fifteen feet into a creek but as it was nothing happened so really I just kid of went on with my life so I'm not dwelling on the crash what I am dwelling on is the fact that I was over the crash in a meter of minutes this is the kind of thing that shapes many peoples lives but it seems to have no impact on mine I'm not more or less kind I don't enjoy life more I even had fun that weekend I don't feel that I am truly any closer to God I am not praying any more not that that is how I judge my relationship with God but even how I judge my relationship a no closer weird I should have done this later on I think better at night but if I wrote what I was thinking on here tonight instead of on paper I would lose these thought so I guess it is better this way I can always rewrite what I type onto paper but then I would feel the urge to revise and I haven't fully come to the conclusion whether that is right or wrong yet I mean what is what I truly think and feel what is spur of the moment and straight from the heart or what is what I can put together over time so I haven't yet presented myself with the option by trying to rewrite what I write neater or type it I guess they are both valid or it's hard to type as fast as I think why I write on paper what I this but then even I can't read what I write half the time on a more petty note I am worried about math I just have no idea what to expect but that is something that I can put to the back o my mind I'm trying not to think of anything school related because I want to write on that next time but some overlapping is probably ok I'm worried about math because I don't know what to expect that is the difference between high school and college in high school you could mess up on the first quiz or test and not worry about it because you had twenty more grades to bring it back up in college if you misjudge the teacher and screw up on the first test it will be very hard to bring the grade back up for the semester it would be like taking an entire six-weeks in high school to learn how a teacher gives tests oh well

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7

man I wish that I didn't lose to my friends in foosball, when will I get to see my parents again, I really miss my dog. I would like to take some pills to get bigger but I don't know which ones I want to take my legs are so soar I can't wait to play football tomorrow but why does my hair always get in my eyes I feel really stressed out right now I really want to do good but it is hard to do the green grass looks so nice at my house n riviera I never was good at hitting the golf ball but cameron was a cool guy pistol is such a good dog my calculus homework sucks really bad I'm tired of doing it man I just spit on my computer when I coughed compaq computers are not even good man but my grandma is such a sweet lady I wish my papa was still here she misses him a lot and my uncle doesn't even care much about her or at least he doesn't pay much attention daniel was on a horrible team in basketball yes the astros are two games up in the central to bad the cowboys lost quincy carter will never amount to anything the people what was I just thin philosophy is a cool class man I don't want to do my calculus homework he gave me the wrong answer texas is going to kill memphis I mean arkansas that was a really good catch by joe jerivisus warren sapp's was better though gosh I need it get a car what was her name man she is hot but I don't think that she really likes me I'm tired but I don't want to go to bed but I need to oh well I will just sit around and think all night about stupid stuff I want to get bigger but I don't want to work out I should have went to gnc today but I wanted to eat at least I changed the oil in my car man I can't get the headlight fixed I need to call my dad I miss my room I wish that I could go home and see my family but I don't want to mmmmmmm what was I thinking about shit I can't remember I like my brothers house man I wish luke would go out more basketball is almost here the court looks sweet there are a lot of fans that go now I wished that tj was still here when is the kobe trial going to start I know he is guilty stupid oj I can't believe that the tv fell on bruce's head I like that english class the playground was fun stupid christian there was always broken glass and the tree the pond was cool I swear that there was I snake there but allen left an I could not really tell I can't believe that I told my parents that I snake chased or the time I fell into the ditch and luke left me I should have never given up me and benny could have hammered them we went and ate pizza what is that game called mmmmm damn I can't remember the watermelon and the forts haha benny the power saw man or whatever Yaklin's was a cool place stupid allen and phillip almost broke it down man they

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17

Okay. this keyboard is weird. the buttons are all flat and wide and the mouse is part of the laptop. ergh this is going to be hard to get used to. why does Dell make their E crooked? Does it make it look cool to them? Ugh. I have to stop backspacing that's not the point of this thing. ooh. someone's on their I'M. I haven't talked to Radhika in about 4 days. I wonder if she is annoyed that I still call at least twice a week. I need to get out more . I've only made 2 friends since I've been here. well not really, I guess Jaime and that weird girl across the hall from Michelle count. I haven't started getting friendly with anyone in any of my classes and that's going to bad when, my foot is asleep. studying crap needs to get done. Why does Brynn always sleep. I have to walk on eggshells if she is constantly napping. isn't the 20 minutes up yet? This is taking forever and my hands are colder I wonder if that saying about guys being turned on when their hands are cold is true. This chair's uncomfortable. At least I organized my junk some. I need to buy paper towels next time I go to the store. I'm kind of hungry but I've already had about 700 calories today. these keys are so weird. I keep missing letters because they're not where they're supposed to be. good I wrote the right type of they're and not their. I hate when people mix up their spellings. I probably did in this thing. I hope no one reads it. I have nothing of substance ever going on in my head. I like the clicky noises the laptop makes. I wonder if I'll be able to connect wirelessly now that I bought that card thing. I'll have to find those place things where wireless can be used. I bet the school lied about them being almost everywhere. wankers. ugh I keep hitting the mouse thing. it'll take forever to get used to this thing. 9 and a half minutes to go. come oonnnnn. I don't want to do this anymore. at least I won't have to do a research paper for this class. and the writing seems to be easy so far. My shoulders hurt and my fingers are still cold. Will these people please stop loitering in front of our door. so freaking rude. Now the pain's spreading to my neck. I need a break . wonder if I'm getting carpel tunnel Not again. Damn computer. why did I want a laptop so much. not worth it. stupid Dell . need to stretch. 7 minutes. I have to do French after this. why is that class taking up so much of my time. I need more free time. why can't it be like it was the first week that was nice. Why does. oh crap this is showing up on-line. people are going to read this. What kind of loser would waste their time doing that. I sure as hell don't have time for anything much more than homework and trying to get in a nap somewhere. How can people sleep on the grass? Don't bugs fly in their ears and noses. don't they worry about the sun damage they're. am I the only one around here who uses sun block. why am I only writing in question form? stop. stop. thinking about my fingers which are still cold and pretty dry looking. Now what was that? What are you doing computer don't disconnect my I'M! Damn you, I didn't tell you to do that. piece of crap. Still hungry maybe I can type and reach over for a granola bar at once. Do circus people ever get bored entertaining ungrateful idiots? Do PeTA and those SpCA people check up on them to make sure they don't mistreat the tigers and elephants and stuff. Oh almost done thank you. woohooo! Continue writing my butt!

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20

I'm really use to writing for long periods of time straight and not stop. I keep a little diary myself and write my thoughts and feelings down whenever they overwhelm me. I suppose it's some sort of stress release because I always feel better afterwards. Writing in my diary has allowed me to express my feelings and emotions onto paper. This way, it's easy for me to look at it and then maybe figure out how I am to deal with the emotions. Some things I write about are problems with my relationships with other people. One entry I wrote just recently was about a problem with this guy. There was just so much pressure on me from this guy that liked me that I couldn't really stand it anymore. He told me he liked me, and I suppose he expected me to just like him back. Don't get me wrong, he is a good friend of mine. Maybe that's why it was so hard. But anyways, I was able to express my contained feelings into my diary. It really did help a lot. When I first heard of this assignment on writing for 20 minutes straight without stopping I thought to myself "wow, this will be fun". My roommate, on the other hand groaned and said she would never be able to do something like that. She says there's just not that much to write about. I told her how she could just write bout her day or whatever. 20 minutes goes by pretty quickly if you think about it. It's already been about 5 minutes since I started. I'm typing kind of fast. I suppose it's the flow of the words. Since there's no really structure on this assignment, I can write without thinking too much. I had a pretty harsh day today. Didn't set my alarm clock, thus I woke up 10 minutes before my first class started. And my teacher Is a real stickler for this timing thing. She wants us in our seats and ready to go by the time class starts. That is usually what I would do, but today, I really couldn't do much about that. I hate walking into class late. There's only about 500 zillion people that look at you when you walk in. And you know what they're thinking, "man, SHE's late". I don't like that feeling. Well after the lecture (which I understood very well) I had to go back home because I hadn't brushed my teeth or anything yet. The whole way back I was thinking, "man. it's too early in the year to be starting this". But I got over it. Told my friends and laughed at it for a little bit. That's one of the reasons I love having my old friends here at UT. There's always someone there for you. It's like bringing a little bit of home with you. I live with one of my old friends from high school and she's an awesome roommate. Her boyfriend is also one of my good friends. And his roommate is the guy that I mentioned earlier. that likes me. Then I have many other old friends that are hear with me, and it just makes me feel more safe and comfortable. But I know I need to make other friends and I do. I like to just talk to people I don't know. You know that old rule "never talk to strangers?" Well, I don't follow that one too well. It's always nice to meet new people. They can always share new things with you that you couldn't get if you just stayed with your comfort zone. I like to venture out and make friends and do new things. People that don't like to do that, I feel, are too closed and unwilling to experiment and find out. It's scary being here. A brand new place with all these HUGE buildings towering above. Scattering around like ants looking for classes. In Houston, we have big buildings and classes too, but, everything is so familiar there. I miss it, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere but here right now. I love the new atmosphere and environment UT provides. There are so many things to do. I'm enjoying it a lot. Maybe that's why I don't really feel a whole lot of stress with the new classes and deadlines and everything. I guess in happy here and that's what's most important to me. All the other things I can deal with as long as I'm feeling good.

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11

I cannot believe that I am actually writing and doing my assignment on a Saturday. I am actually right now in a friend's apartment and trying to talk to a friend before this assignment writing, and I got nowhere with my friend. I feel so bad for my friend, Jimmy. He is so depressed, but he won't even talk to me. I feel like I should be there to help him out, but he won't say anything. I guess that I should talk about myself and not about other people, but I am just so worried about him. I have been so extremely busy today. I woke up at 7 this morning. And I had to go to a BASIC meeting, which I am very involved in. I just happened to be 2 minutes late, and now I have to do something very humiliating in front of everyone next Friday. I guess I don't mind if I do it to learn not to be late anymore. Then I had to go see my cousin and his wife for lunch. I didn't want to go, but I felt compelled to go in order to show support for my cousins since he is a pastor of a new church. I am glad that I went because they are my family and they helped to support me when I needed them most. Actually, my friend Jimmy, which I just mentioned earlier, totally bailed on me when I asked him to help me move b/c he had a truck. I asked way in advance, and I called him the night before, and I even told him that he could back out and I wouldn't even mind. He actually said to my face I don't want to do it when I had driven all the way from Houston to Austin. I couldn't believe that he had said that! I was so mad! I mean for someone to make a promise and then say no really hurt my feelings. Then he said he would help, but only when he called an hour later. I got prideful, and I said that I would take care of it myself. Then I realized my pridefulness, and I prayed to God to break me down. He definitely showed me how I need to be more patient these days. I then called him back later and asked to borrow his truck if one of our mutual friends would drive the truck. Our mutual friend had before, but Jimmy somehow didn't want him to do that for some extremely strange and bizarre reason. it wasn't as if our friend hadn't driven his car before. I don't know. I then thought about and then prayed some more, and then I realized how he was nice enough to help me, even though he couldn't follow through with his promise. I went to California on vacation, and I had bought him a key chain b/c I knew how stressed he was. I put a little letter of apology, but he didn't even thank me for the gift, or even said that it was partly his fault for not helping to move. The fact was that if I wasn't living by myself, then I could have gotten more help. And if he said that he was too busy, I would have understood, but he said that he could. Everyone said that he should have been better about the situation. But he is so depressed and distraught and etc. I wished that he would ask for help sometimes and try so hard to handle everything by himself. I know that he is angry and bitter and mad at so many things and at so many people. I just don't understand why he is acting this way. I also have a feeling that he likes this girl who was an old roommate. Everyone knows. For some reason he is just acting more cranky and weird. we all think that he should just be open and honest. I hope that my (girl) friend can handle the situation well. She doesn’t happen to know, and I don't want her to have to be stressed out about something that might hurt the both of them. I just hope that everyone gets better.

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2

I am feeling a little worried right now about my classes and how well I'll do on the tests and other assignments. I'm used to the class settings now but it's still a little strange to me to be in a class with 100 or more students. I wonder how I'll do in my biology and chemistry classes next semester because I've already heard how difficult it is. I'm stressed out with college work due to the daily reading assignments and I have to take notes over the material for my future exams. I wish I was a senior so I can get out of this place and not have to study ever again! I miss home and I wish I could go visit sometime soon. But of course I can't because I have tests and other things coming up. I can't wait until Thanksgiving so I can go home and relax with my family and friends. I wish I knew more people here or at least have some close friends. I haven't been able to start a conversation with anyone in my class. It's probably because I'm shy and afraid to go up to a stranger and just casually start a conversation. I really do miss my high school friends and I just wish I was back in high school. It was so much easier and more fun. Oh well. . everyone said college is going to be the most fun and memorable part of your life. After attending the Tuesday night bible study, I felt really happy and greatful that I got to meet such nice and open-hearted people. The praise was great and I liked the prayer time too. I haven't prayed to God recently and it gave me the opportunity to communicate with him again. But I felt guilty because I don't pray to God like everyone else on a regular basis. It seems as though I only pray to God when I need help or feeling worried and sad. I should continually pray to him from now on because it's important that I establish an existing relationship with him. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday! Yay!! I only have 1 section tomorrow and then I'm free until Monday. Hopefully I'll have a fun weekend unlike last week when I just stayed in my dorm and study.

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20

Man these computer labs on campus are so sad, everybody seems dead. I guess its probably because its sunday. I feel tired too wish I could go to sleep. I guess I would if I didn't have all this work to do. can't believe its already 2 weeks into school. it still feels like summer. well I guess before I know it its going to be finals. man I need to call nathan and get that HW of him. wow that girl is pretty hot. she probably is not that hot but I guess being in the engineering school you got to accept what you can get. man I wish I didn't do engineering. can't believe its been 4 years. I really hate it but I guess it will get me a job. I guess that is why I did engineering. I wish I had done architecture. I can't draw but still its seems so much more fun. I used to suck at drawing in high school. I guess its a talent. man I wish those two girls would shut up they have been liking whispering for 20 minutes. I hate people who whisper I rather them just talk loud, even though its lab. its very irritating. thank god she left. man I can't believe dallas lost that game. they played so damn carp. so much for paying bill parcells 17million bucks. they are never going to win if they don't get a new QB. carter sucks, its been like 3yrs they should realize he can't play. well screw it. I so want to be done with school, I can't believe these freshman classes. they all look like a bunch of kids, they seem so damn enthusiastic and happy to be in school. it will be funny to see them in 4 years and see what they think then. that girl in government class, I have never seen somebody so happy to be taking a class. I wonder if I was like this when is was freshman. I guess I was excited to be in college. always wanting to party and stuff. but I don't know if I was as crazy as sara's sister. she is well on her way to the freshman 15. crazy girl. but I don't think I partied as much, maybe I did. I feel old. I really need to get out of austin. getting tired of this town.

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20

The class is very interesting. The psychology class I took in high school was rather boring. I planned to be a psychologist, perhaps clinical. After taking the class, I was turned off at the idea. This class has renewed my interest and has caused me to begin thinking again (finally). At this point, I just looked at my watch and realized I have only been typing for three minutes. I am not sure what else to say. The first idea that came into my head was my car. I own a 1971 dodge charger. It is a nice car and is also quite fast. It used to belong to my father, and he gave it to me. We got it out of storage in 1993. At that point, we began to restore it, a job that still isn't fully complete. My high school experience was a strange one. I spent my first three years in Texas. For my senior year, I had to move to Oklahoma. While there, I realized that I matured mentally. I thought about the differences in society, and how people only a few hundred miles part can vary so much. I am glad to be in college now. The classes are not what I had expected them to be. To succeed, one must be very self motivated. I am finding it slightly difficult to get things done at times. Cafeteria food is another factor on my mind. First of all, most of the time I don't like the food. Next, when I am hungry, there isn't anything to eat. The cafeteria is closed for some reason. I don't know. Nothing more is coming to mind, other than the dull glow of my computer screen. My time has elapsed, so I will finish by saying that. I can't think of anything to finish with.

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19

I somtimes worry that my life is just some meaninless collection of random accidents culmintating in a demise that will be unremembered. thoughtout human history we have constantly tried to leave behind something that represents our existence. for example you have the great prymids of gisa where all the old pharros are barried. you have all the wonders of the wolrd that also represent the same thing. Another way that people leave things behind in the form of their children. I guess that having a child is one of the other things that i am worried about. I just hope that when I have one I can do enough so that they will grow up to be a great person. I did not really have a father when i was young because my real one left me when I was very young. I had a step-father so I supose that I sort of have an idea what its like to have a real dad. I don't know if me and my stepdad get along well enought sometimes, I mean its not like I hate him or dislike him or anything but sometimes its just like he gets on my nerves. My mom says that a son haveing problems with a father is akin to a daughter having problems with the mother, its some wierd behavior pattern or something that trys to get the child to strike out on its own or became the alpha male/female something. I have always been very interested in martial arts, I don't know hwat it is about it that draws me to it. Its just that when I see these small guys break 15 flamming bricks I feel inspired, its like if I could do something like braking 15 flamming bricks that I could do anything. Its like a martial artists have somehow trancended human limitations and have becomesomthing else. Its like that whole uberman thing that neiche talks about. I wonder if the statement about power corrupting is always true. Can you ake a decent person a corrupt them with power and completly change their entire outlook on life. I think that there are some people that even if given absolute power would not use it and would serve as a benevolent ruler. Just yesterday I was playing a game called DEUS EX and at ther very end you had the choice of merging with a super-inteligent computer and ruling the world, killing the current tyrant and ruling the world behind the scenes as a memeber of a secret organization called the illumiti, or blowing up this one building that you were in and completly destroy the wolrds global network which would reduce the world to a isoltated city state type environment. I did all three endings but non of them really struck a cord in me as being the correct action.

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9

There is a girl named amy who annoys me very much. We used to be very good friends until I found her true personality. Amy;s personality is hard to relate to which makes her hard to get along with. She only does things that help her or make her look better. For example, she will only become friends with people who benifit her or make her look cool. Amy requires shopping. She shops at least once a week. Her shopping habbits drive me insane. Amy cares so much about how she appears to other that it hides her true personality. She acts like the person she wants to be but will never become. Amy is a smart girl but that is not obvious in a conversation. She acts oblivious to the current events and common knowledge. Being at college and having a girlfriend at home is a hard task to handle. Eventhough it is tough to do, it sounds a lot worse than it actually is. While I do not see my girlfriend half as much as I am used to, I can still call her everyday. While phone conversations are not physicall confromtations, they do help in easing the pain of not having her around all the time. By being apart for extended periods of time, when I do end up going home to visit, the benefits are rewarding. The time spent together then is more special than any other time I have spent with her before. Because we both know our time is limited, we seem closer during my home visits. It is some of the only times when we think on the same level. Both of our plans include us spending time together. Eventhough I would much rather be at home with her, I am glad we made the choice to stay together while I am at college. Next year I can only hope that she decides to attend UT. It would ease a difficult stage in our relationship.

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21

Is Christina still on the phone? At 9:00 I can finish this and go to the grocery store. It's on. I wish I could have napster on Ethernet. I am really hungry. I wish I could have worked out more today. I should write what I'm talking about. I wish I could type with the right fingers. Why didn't I learn to do that? It was an important step I missed. I think the grocery store is on red river. I wish the door were shut. I wish somebody had emailed me today. Hopefully zac can help me with calculus. I can't remember anything. The teacher didn't even go over it with us. I'm really nervous about the quiz. Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes. Wow this really sucks. I have so much to do. It seems like I do nothing during the day. Maybe I should have stayed at the dance thing. Now I'm getting in the flow of typing. This split keyboard sucks for pecking. I wish I knew what to do about track. The phone is ringing. I miss my sister. I am glad I went to the grocery store last night. I hope dad doesn't get mad about the money I'm spending. I can kind of hear Saturday night live. I don't know how Christina concentrates in front of the TV. I had an itch in my nose. I can't wait until after my quiz. The hamburgers will be good at the KA house. I hope I have time to work out today. I think I will never be the size I want to be. Why do I have a rash on my ass? Its good I took a shower last night. I like my tri delt shirt. It seems like the time is passing very slowly. Only seven more minutes. Should I take a nap after this or study math or eat lunch? Ill ask Christina. Maybe she'll eat with me. I like the cafeteria food. I wish everybody treated the help better. Word perfect sucks. I hate the little green and red squigglies. There are worse things I could do. Somebody's knocking at the door. It's probably Elaine. No it's Bita. Is she talking to Greg? Is Christina going to be hungry? Man I hate those squiggly lines! I wonder if I should call the ticket office. I wonder if I'll need to study hard for this class. So far I've only done the pretesting and the writing. It's not even sunny still! That's awesome. I hate the heat. I can't wait until its fall. I love wearing jeans and sweat pants. I can run outside. Maybe then I'll get skinny. Mariah Carrey has a good voice? Where is she? Jessica Simpson sucks. She's ugly too. Her boyfriend is gay. Their relationship seems fake. My relationship is good. Jorde is great. I'm glad he's doing a frat. I hope they don't be hard on him. That is so gay that they do that to guys. I don't get it. Only two more minutes. It doesn't seem like I've written all that much. How are they going to know anyway? I doubt they'll even read that much of it. Bita talks a lot. She always has. That reminds me of Miss A. She never calls me. Why do I have to call everyone? Nobody ever calls me. Juliana emails a lot. I should e mail everyone. I'm much too busy for that. I need to call Dad. I want him to call me right now. At least that guy fixed the Internet. I need to learn to type. Okay I think I can stop now. I still feel like I should write more. Am I a perfectionist? I wonder if we'll learn that in psychology.

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10

I am a little irritated right now. I just did this thing for about 5 minutes and then my computer just like shut off! I cannot believe I just spent those five minutes only to just have it all erased. Things like that irritate me a lot. I always just hate having done something and then it being useless. I guess that could be kind of an insecurity but yeah. I am not going to psychoanalyze myself. I guess since this is one of thise things that could do that for me. I wonder if this will get picked to be read. Probably not. Its getting done way early. I can't really see the reasoning behind the whole stream of consciousness thing. I mean yeah you can track your thoughts but couldn't you do that just by paying attention to yourself? I dunno. just one of those things I guess. Moving on then. I'm eating a rice krispeys treat thing. I get hungry when I am irritated. I have to wonder how evolution made us that way. What is the point of eating when you are irritated. Shouldn't you want to do stuff? that would make sense in the whole flight or fight mode sense kind of way. I am glad i have an apartment it doesn't smell here and the neighbors are really nice. Of course you don't make a forced acquaintance like you would if you lived in a dorm I guess but this is more private and I can work on the bills and homework alone. Maybe I'll go out tonight with one of my new friends. I don't have plans and I'm not really interested in going to the game, as if I had the money to go anyways. Money is going to become an issue later. I should try and get a job this semester but i just don't want to get burnt out on my first semester. I don't really need the money but it would be nice in case of an emergency. And who doesn't like a little extra spending money? I don't know i need to find somewhere close to work but i don't want to have to work as a cashier again. I hated doing that. Not as much as working as an area host(janitor) at a certain theme park. Not at all fond memories of the sausage shack and the bathrooms accompanying it around high noon. Its stupid how people have no real common sense when they go out to have fun. Honestly, who doesn't realize that a urinal is not made to be pooped in. It would hate to know the person who didn't understand what a urinal . URINal, is for its use is right there in the name c'mon people! But yeah my lips are chapped really bad. I should find my chapstic otherwise I'll smile at someone and then make a weird face because I split my lip. Eminem is on now. Repeat of the MTv Movie Awards. He's not really a bad rapper assuming I can even even judge that music. But he honestly is about the whole shock value of his music probably. Just like many of his little fans. I have a really nice view of the septic area behind the aparmtments an dthe little balcony shows a wonderful scene of the vagrants coming out of the woods. I got that last part from a couple of my neighbors. The one seemed really witty, another was very . bubbly, and of course there was the one with a boyfriend. They are really nice I hope to get to know them more. Wow its almost time to stop the whole stream of consciousness. Just four more minutes. My nipples itch. I think its because of the new shirt I'm wearing. Wow that was kind of out there. You know what's funny assuming you were a person and could reply that is. I hope I don't become one of those people who just talks to themselves all the time. But the funny thing is that I have a pencil sharpener in my room. Yet I only have mechanical pencils That seems kind of pointless. Oh that is kind of punnish. I really need to find a book to read. I hate not having something immediate to do. Doing nothing is just not a strong suit. I miss my family now that I think about it. I think I'll give them a call today. I don't want them to think I don't care about them even though I'm away.

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8

Well another night of staying up late. I don't know why I don't really want to go to bed. I guess I just don't feel like it or I feel like I have to do something before I go to bed, but then something else pops up. I think I got used to not sleeping during my time in the Army. Kind of fun back then. The Army usually pops in my head late at night when I'm on the computer because that's what I did in the Army. I can tune everything out and just have the humming of the computer and only the light from the screen providing light for the room. Reminds me of sitting in the track at 3 or 4am shooting missions. I wonder where I would be if I would have stayed in. I bet I would have gone to Korea for a year then back to Fort Sill. I wish I would have gone to Korea as soon as I got out of AIT. Those guys came back better trained than the guys who stayed in the States. I probably could have used that year being away from everybody. I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow. Man I hate the rain. I remember in Virginia I missed all the rainy days at school. I guess I got lucky it only seemed to rain on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I miss Virginia. The leaves, the snow, the mountains and the lake right behind the apartment. Man, everyday there was football weather. I can't believe they lost to BYU last week. Man I hate BYU.

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3

I'm feeling a little stressed right now. I have two tests coming up in about a week and I'm kind of behind on my reading. There is so much stuff to take care of now that I am out on my own. It makes me miss my family; I'm feeling kind of homesick right now. When I woke up this morning I found myself crying. I'm having a little bit of trouble because this guy in a really intense e-mail told me how much he likes me. It just happens to be my friend's brother so I'm worried about what I should do. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it and I just wanted someone to comfort me and hug me. But, I did talk to my friend today and he helped me out, I'm glad I had someone to talk to. I'm thinking about going to a movie tonight with my section but I'm not sure because I think I need to stay and study. But, I think I'm going to go anyway because I need a break and I need to feel more involved. Hopefully some people will go. I wonder what I should wear. I want to go shopping, I'm getting tired of always wearing the same things. It kind of smells like spoiled milk in my room. There are still boxes everywhere and I feel lazy for not getting rid of them, but I just don't feel like it. I keep hearing door open in the hall, I wonder if my room mate is back. It's kind of awkward with her here. I don't really know what to say and she is not very talkative. I still can't believe she told me to be quiet so rude like she did the other night. Oh well. I'm watching this movie on TV about a drill team and it makes me miss dancing. I mean I know I'm still taking classes, but its just not the same, it's not as often. It makes me feel out of shape, I hope that I don't gain a lot of weight because I'm not working out as much. It felt so good to be back in class the other day. I love the Modern class, it feels so good to be able to move again and that class makes me feel free. I guess it's more laid back because the dancers aren't experienced and I'm one of the most experienced in the class. That kind of makes me relax because I don't get as nervous as I do around all the good dancers in the other classes. I get so nervous at auditions. I don't know how in the world I'm going to get into those major's dance classes. Then what am I going to do? My RA just knocked on my door to tell me that we are going to that movie. I feel kind of stupid going because I've already been and my friends aren't going. But, oh well, I guess that I will just go. I feel like I need to meet more people. The only people I've have hung out with while I have been here are Rockport people. I thought I was going to get away from all that, but I don't know. I don't know what to write anymore. I'm thinking to hard about this and I know I shouldn't be. I should just type whatever it is that I am thinking. The time is almost up. It went by surprisingly fast and I kind of enjoyed doing it. It actually made me feel a little better and sorted things out for me. It's weird how writing can do that; Professor Pennebaker did mention that in my class. I guess it really is true. I feel like I should have an ending to this. But, I guess not. I guess your thoughts never really end. It kind of makes me nervous when I can't think of what to write. What does that mean? It's kind of like when I blank out talking to people which I seem to do a lot. I'm kind of interested in how this experiment thing will turn out. I wonder what the point of it is.

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25

I just took that Pre-testing thing for psychology and it made me think a lot about how I view myself. It kind of put me in a bad mood because I realized how much I look down on myself. It was interesting to learn that much about myself just by taking a test. I don't know if that was one point of the test but it made me think a lot. I realized how scared I was at one point about how I am scared to speak up for myself. I wish I could but I am very worried that I will make a wrong point. Even right now I am scared to write the wrong thing even though there is no right or wrong thing to write. I love this classical music. For some reason it make me more at ease, I can never work without some kind of distraction or something else for my mind to think about. I wish I could talk to people that I don't know easier. I was so scared to walk into my class late today. I didn't know if my TA was going to get mad but she saw me and so I had to go in anyways. When I walk around this campus I feel like so small and worthless compared to everyone. I got lost this morning and I was to scared to ask for directions because I don't trust they will give me the right way. I know it makes no sense whatsoever. It is wierd how different music puts a person in different moods. First, I was listening to classical and I felt peaceful and then alternative came on and it made me feel more awake and then jazz came on and it was soothing. I think listening to a variety of music helps a person be in a mood that they feel like being in. I don't know if it is the music that puts the person in a mood or if it is the mood that picks the music that makes them pick the music they feel like listening too. My classes seem to be discussing sort of the same topic which seems to help in understanding each one more. I never realized my mind jumps from one thing to another so much. It is like before I finish one thought I already begin another. It is hard to concentrate when my roommate is on the phone with her mother right now because I am hearing like four things at once. I am not used to having to share my space and have someone around all the time. I guess I am just going to have to get used to it. I am very jittery right now and I don't know why. I think I need to learn how to relax because I am already getting stressed out and I don't think that is a good thing. It is wierd I start to look at the clock and it makes me start typing more even though I am not thinking more it makes me just start typing more since I know my time is almost up.

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6

I don't have to right in paragraph form or write any sentence structures or even spell right. I don't have to put any grammar or punctuation on this assignment and I can talk about anything. I don't understand what the point of this assignment is and I don't care as long as I finish it. So I guess I'll just keep typing and typing and typing. Right now, I feel an itch so I'll scratch my arm. I'm typing on my friends computer, so he can't use it for at least another seventeen minutes. I don't think understand the point of this assignment. I could do this: and nobody would care. This assignment is just to type for twenty minutes about whatever I think and I keep thinking this over and over again. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't care as long as I finish. I started at 2:28p. M so I'll stop at 2:48p. M. Man it's another fifteen minutes until I finish. I'm tired and I want to go back to sleep. I need to do my laundry, clean the bathroom, do my homework. That reminds me I have so much homework to do. I don't understand anything in calculus and I'm worried about that class. My final is fifty percent of my grade!!!! I don't understand why some teachers would do that. It's like the semester grade depends on this one test. If you were making an A in the class, before the final, you could end up failing if you really screw up on the final. What kind of class is that??? I don't know but I'm scared. I have to study hard for that final, but first I have to understand the material we're covering right now. I'm so behind. But the good thing about the final is that it's my only final and I have a week to study for it so I should do O. K. I hope I get a B in this class. I don't want to do any homework, and that reminds me that I'm behind in all of my classes!!!! I have to read so much and I don't like to read. I think I'm going crazy. I need to write this assignment do the second writing assignment, read for Theatre, do Calculus homework, read for this class, do a peer review sheet for English, and chores around the house. So much to do, so little time. Only 9 more minutes to go. Oh, and the pretest survey to see what surveys I will be used in, was messed up. I didn't start reading the top of the survey which tells you what answers to fill in until the middle. So I think the survey thinks I'm a girl, since I answered some FEMALE ONLY questions. Except I checked the male box when it asked whether I was male or female. But it kept on asking me questions that were very feminine. I hope I don't get in trouble for that. But I doubt it, since there will probably be other people who will do the exact same thing I did. There's always somebody else. I hope I don't get put into some strange category or something. What I didn't understand about the survey was that why did it ask some of the same questions over again. I think it had to do something with me answering FEMALE ONLY questions. I don't know if that's why but I answered most all of them except this one question that asked if I was more guilty about eating than most girls. I was like: "Hold up, what's going on? This survey thinks I'm a girl!" Damn, well whatever it's O. K. everybody makes mistakes and I'm not going to come down on myself because of that. My friends staring at my assignment right now and saying this is an easy assignment. Well I guess it is, it's just that my fingers are tired. I don't want to type anymore, and I have 2 more minutes left. Yippee!!!! After this I'm going to take a break and then do writing assignment number 2. After I finish that I'll take a nap and start on Calculus. Oh man, so much work to do!!! I should have started earlier instead of playing these first few weeks of school. Well my time's up. So goodbye!!!

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6

Twenty minutes. Write until about 10:30. I wish the colors in the PCL were not so ugly. I like these shoes but I wish my socks were shorter though. I need to get a bed in my apartment. The floor is real itchy. I don't know where to put it though. I like the desk where it is and I don't want to put the bed there but if IO put it in the corner it will block the door to the closet. Even though there is another doo I still need both of them because it woiuld make things so much easier. I wonder what we'll do in basketball today. Tonya is giving me some keys but I don't know what they go to. Fifteen minutes left. Its fuuny how much you write and how fast time goes by when you don't have anything real to write about. I wish they'd let me watch how practice works for a few days and then I can start helping. I hope I don't mess up to much on the court especially since Kathy was so adament about me being out there because I played in high school. Only ten more minutes. Wow. I need to get a shower curtian. I'm tired of having to be real careful when I take a shower and not splash water everywhere. I wonder how much I will get paid a month. I hope its good. my hand is getting tired from writing so much and not stopping. I think I'll catch the bus up to my apartment, get thtat web address come to the SMF, type this, go back to the PCL, study kinese, and go meet Tonya. Maybe I'll eat some lunch at the apartment to. Halfway done. I wonder what bus takes me to Belmont. It would be easier than walking. i bett4er learn the ropes cause next year I'll be in charge. i wish I couldbe on the boys team but not with so many other managers. There will be somne pretty tough spots, me bieng a guy and them bieng girls. sports bras? Bout 5 minutes left. I think me and coach conradt will get along p[retty good. I the organiozed, on top of it, one step ahead of you, I already did it sort of guy. At least I was in high school. I wonder if we'll get individual pics taken. I'd like to send one to Coach Boynton. i bet he'd put it up on the wall next to adrian and pat. That would be very cool. I feel sorry for Lee with his shopulder and all. I wonder if he'll play in college. He was on of the best players I've everseen come thru elgin but I havent been around that liong. I like this school. you can lay down opn the grass and take a nap and noone will mwess with you. theres too amy people here to bother any one, too many different lifestyles. 20 minutes? On the dot. Time to go.

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17

right now I feel like I'm kind of pressured to do this thing right because it's my first assignment for the class and I don't want to mess up. I hate that feeling where you think your doing something right but when you turn in the assignment in to the teacher they say that you did the assignment wrong. especially when you ask the teacher how long an assignment/paper suppose to be and they say they don't care but when you turn it in they tell you it's too short . well anyway I guess I'm getting off topic . I tend to do that a lot sometimes . Right now I'm feeling a bit hungry cause I only ate a small bit of food for breakfast (at 1:00pm that is ). Yes I feel very well rested too cause I slept till noon. speaking of food it reminds of this lady who works in the cafeteria at the place I'm staying at. I don't like her very much because she said something about me in front of my face to another worker in Spanish. she assumed that I didn't understand what I said but let me tell you---I didn't take five years of Spanish and not learn to understand the language. also I didn't work with Hispanic people and not learn how to pick up a few words here and there. so what really pissed me off was not what she said (which really wasn't that offensive at all) but the fact that she would say it in a language she thought I wouldn't understand and more importantly she did it while I was still there. oh here I go about things in the past. I know I should just learn to let little things like that go but I can harbor a lot of my emotions for a long time, but they do eventually go away. besides I'm glad that I can know whether or not what I feel is justifiable. never mind forget what I just said it doesn't make any sense. it's hard to explain. you know I wish I could type as fast as I think cause by the time I finish this sentence I've already thought up of something else. I think my mind thinks too fast I feel old. I've noticed that recently I've begun forgetting a lot of stuff. not important stuff but miniscule little information that I would normally remember . usually I could remember a lot of pointless things but now it takes a little while for me to. wow I wish I could write papers like this because the time just flies by. you know what I don't think I stuck with the topic. I mean it is kind of vague . I mean chances are if someone is sitting in front of a computer and you ask them to write about their feelings at that instant they're probably going to be a little apathetic at that moment unless your referring to what they've been feeling like through the date because if that is the case I guess I can elaborate. so far I've been kind of tense , worried that this assignment might be too boring to take the time to write I mean it is twenty minutes but I guess twenty minutes is too much. Also I was worried that the computer lab might be too full but it wasn't and then I was worried that I might be able to connect to the site because I was afraid that the site might be down (I've heard horror stories about it). I guess I worry too much but I consider more of an asset to my life more than a hindrance because the fear makes think of all the things that can go wrong so I plan ahead of time and think of the alternatives. I wish I could say the same of my little sister but it seems like he never thinks ahead and about the consequences of her actions oh well times about up now my only fear is that the submit button will work properly.

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21

I’m in my apartment with my new desk, everything is finally getting organized. I feel like this year will be a good one, I am not the same person that I used to be. I feel so much more secure. sure there were times when I would see people gathered in a huge group and think to myself that I wanted to join and be a part of it but when it comes right down to it, I am the kind of person who likes to have a couple of really close friends and then a lot of friends who I can say hi to and visit with on occasion. I really believe that that is okay. my boyfriend and I are great, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't need to be with him all the time so we enjoy each other's company a lot when we are together because it is not so often. he sees me in a totally different light this year and I feel the same way about him. I wonder if Naomi is having a good time tonight with Ira. I think that she is trying to convince herself that she doesn't want any relationships with guys. I wonder if it bothers her that David is here. I hope not but I am not going to ban my boyfriend from coming to the apartment just because she doesn't have someone to come see her. I hope that isn't horrible. Hillel is going really well. it's going to be a really busy year I can already tell but I think that I can definitely handle it this year, I have the right mind set. the meeting last night was way to long though. who wants to sit in a chair for three hours discussing what seems like today as absolutely nothing!!! it was crazy. so many times I wanted to jump out of my chair and leave the room but I sat there and listened to all of the nonsense. this sorority thing is driving me crazy. on the one hand, it has the potential to be a lot of fun, on the other hand it is a huge time commitment and I am not sure if I want to put myself into something that leaves little time for anything else, on the other hand the old Kim wouldn't get involved at all because she would be too nervous. I don't want to be that Kim anymore. I never realized how hard it would be to write for twenty minutes. I feel like I have said a lot and it has only been ten minutes maybe. my boyfriend is in the other room studying, ha he has to go next. my classes are good this semester. history is going to be boring not because I hate the subject but because I am more interested in a discussion class and 1492 to the Civil War is so long ago and I feel like I studied it to satisfaction in high school. last year at UT I remember thinking it would be fun to study history again and I was irritated that as a freshman I couldn't take the class, look how times change. I think I am more organized this year than ever before in my life. my walls need paintings though or at least posters, I wonder where I can get cheap ones. I want to buy those glow in the dark stars and planets for my walls too. I think those are great. I wonder what my brother is doing right now. I hope he does better at school this year than he did last year. I am sure he will. he seems to have more control over himself this year. I can't believe he is taking drivers ed. how weird. I am so tired right now. I have so much reading to do. I am not going to sleep until it is all done, I must be prepared this year. I can stop thinking about some song where it says that the hardest to learn is the least complicated. it's hard to learn to study but once you do your life is so easy. I am going to learn that this year. that was an indigo girls song. what a fun concert. I wish they would come back to town. how great it was seeing Lauren Gasbar and Jamie. I can't believe I didn't see Rysse there. I missed her this summer. she and David will work well together I am sure. I am glad he is working at Hillel it will be nice spending time with him in that setting.

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I need to write this paper for psychology to get a good grade in the class. This assignment is much easier than some of the other assignments I have gotten in my other classes. But, then again, my other classes aren't necessarily hard. I mean, in History of Rock Music, I have to go see a concert and report on it. How cool is that?! I wish I could go to a Coldplay concert. I would love to go to a COldplay concert. I like their music. I like the Beatles too. I'm listening to a Beatles song right now. I believe Paul wrote Michelle". I went to the Paul McCartney concert last October. It was totally amazing. I wish I could go again. I saved my ticket stub and put it in a box that I store all the important little trinkets I want to keep. I put all my concert tickets in there. I really need good grades in order to get into the RTF school. I really want to become a film maker. I would love to become the next Jerry Bruckheimer. Producing seems really cool, but really hard. I would love to direct, but directing seems like one of the most impossible jobs to do successfully. I would love to one day be a well known and respected film maker. I love old films. Last Sunday, the State theater on Congress showed Gone With the Wind. I went to the movie instead of the UT football game. I don't like football as much as I like old movies. It was so worth it. To see one of my favorite movies of all time on the big screen was amazing. I walked to the theater, and I decided to take the bus back. Only, I was not aware that the busses have different route on game days. I got on the number 7 bus and ended up around Highland Mall. It turned out okay though, because the bus circles the mall and comes back towards campus. I got off the bus on Dean Keaton street and had to walk back to my dorm in Jester in the rain. The movie was still worth it. Dean Keaton. That's also the name of the main character in the movie: The Usual Suspects. That is a good movie. For the longest time, I hadn't seen it, but then my brother kept telling me that I shouldn't see it because it is excellent. Well, during move-in a couple of weeks ago, when everybody was in a frenzy, I just hung out for a couple of days at my brother's house. While there, I got a chance to see The Usual Suspects. What a great film. The ending was amazing, even though someone had already told me how it ended. I was surprised all the same. AH! People keep instant messaging me while I am trying to do this essay. I'm going to put up an away message so they will leave me alone for a while. My mother called me this afternoon to tell me that the product I ordered online came in the mail. I need to go pick it up. It was my first order on eBay. A friend of mine and I really like David Beckham, so I found some England National team jerseys with his name on the back online for only $10 a piece. We have been waiting about 2 weeks for them to come in the mail, but I guess that isn't that long considering they were being shipped from Thailand. I hope they are in good condition. I mean, for $10, one would assume they are in total disarray. I hope not. I really want a Beckham jersey. Wow, I am really writing about absolutely nothing. This assignment is awesome! Now I'm listening to a Dave Matthews Band song. "The Song That Jane Likes". I just started liking DMB only about 2 years ago. My best friend idolizes them and plays all their songs on his guitar. Gabe is an awesome guitar player. I wish he was with me here at UT. I really miss him. He is back at home, while everyone else we know moved on to college. I feel bad for him. I wish he would move to Austin with me. He works at Starbucks and is trying to raise enough money for him to go to school. I love Starbucks. I used to always get a caramel macchiato, but now I really like Irish cream cafe mochas. Those are very good. I have not really had any time to go to Starbucks. There's one in the bottom floor of Jester Center, but its just not the same as an actual cafe house. Gabe and I would regularly hang out at the Starbucks by us for hours on end. We would talk or play cards or chess. I really miss that. Its okay though, he is coming to visit soon, and I will be going home for his birthday in a couple of weeks. It should be fun. I'm really excited about that.

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For some reason today I feel more home sick than I have yet. When I first arrived to my dorm room three weeks ago, it didn't feel very real to me. Of course I cried when my parents left, but it wasn't because I was feeling all the things that I thought I would. At the time I think it was more knowing that I would soon feel that way once the excitement wore off. Now, dorm life is very real and I no longer feel like I am at summer camp. The first two weeks were nothing but meeting new people and going new places and now I feel the overwhelming feeling of college work and homesickness. It is rather silly I guess for me to say "homesick" because I am only thirty miles away from home, but I have discovered that it doesn't really matter what your distance from home is. Distance would make it harder, but for all of us it is the fact that we are no longer living with our families; we will never be living under our parents permanently. In a way I guess I am supposed to be really excited about that and I think I am, but I also really miss being a bigger part of their lives. So much happens on a daily basis and I feel like I am missing something. I also wonder if it is really weird for me to feel this way. So many of the other students seem to be having the time of their lives, but I wonder if they have ever felt the same way. I went to eat with my mom and sisters last night because my older sister was in town from College Station. After we ate I couldn't fight the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I miss old times like that and I miss the way we could just laugh together and have fun. I know that soon I will be adjusted to my new life and I can look back on this and think what a dork I was. It is just that time of adjustment and waiting until this place feels like home. I want so badly for it to feel like home and I want to be happy here. I really have no doubt that it soon will be a place where I feel comfortable, I just hope that soon comes really soon! My mom keeps sending emails telling me to have fun. It isn't that easy to just make friends and go have fun. I never thought that it would be so hard to meet people, but with such a huge population it can't be easy. I think that I am probably complaining too much because I really am not unhappy by any means but I just expected something different. High expectations are dangerous because nothing can ever be as good as you dream it to be. Oh well, hook 'em horns!

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I really think the professor is funny and can hold the class' attention. I am listening to a Dave Matthew's CD. I was never really a big fan of his until recently. My roommate and best friend ( she is also taking this class) loves Dave Matthews. She asked me to go to his concert with her months in advance. I had heard a few of his songs, and even though I wasn't crazy about them, I agreed to go. It was two weeks before the concert and a really good friend of ours was moving to Houston to go to graduate school. Dave M. was going to be in Houston on Friday and Austin on Saturday. So Robyn ( my roommate) decided to sell her tickets and we would help Justin move and see the concert in Houston. On our way to Houston the U-Haul had a blow out and a few other tragadies occured, forcing us to miss the concert. Robyn was devastaed. So Saturday we headed back to Austin and bought tickets to go. After several beers we were there. Somehow I got seperated from my friends. When we found each other I cried, I think it was from the alchol. Anyways, we happened to be at the right place at the right time and a guy came up to us and brought us armbands to go to the front of the stage. I pushed my was to the very front and managed to convince a bodygaurd to give me a backstage pass. At the end of the show they took me backstage, gave me flowers and then showed me to Dave. I was the only one that wasn't freaking out backstage, so he came up to me. We talked and he signed my ticket (the only thing I had on me). He left but came uback up to me five min later. I was talking to somebody and I saw soomeone come up besaide me. Then I felt a hand on my breast (the right one). It was Dave, signing my chest. I thought I would faint. His voice is so sexy. Later right before he left, he came up to me and kissed me. I love him and will marry him one day. Sorry I wasted ten min blabbing about the same story. I guess the point of the entry to to see how many ways my brain goes. I just thought of something else. I have a crush on a waiter that I work with. I'm a hostess. I haven't had a crucsh like this in a long time. I'm so mad because he didn't work today or yesterday and he won't work until Friday. I don't even know anything about him. That's probably why I like him. The last guy I dated was gay. He won't admit it but I know he is. We're not seeing each other anymore. I usually don't talk about guys this much, but for some reason they are on the brain tonight. I just set up my email account today. I'm soo excited. My parents have been bugging me to get one. I'm using a friends computer right now, but we will have the internet set up by Friday. I really hope no one reads this horrible shit. I know it doesn't make any sense and no one cares about any of it. I have to go read 19 chapters for English now. Aren't you jealous??!!

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ever since the first day of school on august 26 I have felt so much fear. it has never hit me so hard as right now typing on a computer not knowing one person around me yet some of them being my classmates. my thoughts of u t are hard to explain. some days are bad some good, it just depends on the day and class. I grew up in a small town went to the same school district my whole life and graduated with 89 people in my class. my psychology class has close to300. its very overwhelming . I have made a few new friends but I still feel very alone. I live with my boyfriend off campus and its hard. I just feel very alone. my parents seem to have forgotten about me, but the already had by the time my senior year had come. my brother goes to tarleton in stephenville near ft worth. my best friend goes to Texas a m in college station. i'm taking 13hrs and my favorite class is swimming. I'm really bored and I want to go shopping after I get done with this writing assignment,. english is my last class today and it ended early at 1030. I'm really bored and only 10 minutes have gone by I'm tired of writing. I hate seeing all the little rich girls with their fancy clothes walking around campus. it pisses me off because I screwed up and moved into a apartment. early this morning I was in the lab signing in to use a mac. the computer told me to go to b5 so I did and when I got to the computer there was stuff on it but the computer screen had my number on it so I know to use it . but the bitch comes up and starts freaking out about it was her computer. people piss me off because my parents taught me respect and politeness and everyone at ut seems to thing that they need to be rude I just don't get it I'm thinking of transferring to Texas a m because I went down there to help move my best friend into her apartment and I had the best time I've ever had. we went to a bar and I drank at the bar and I'm only 18 so we had fun you could never get away with that down here in austin. its almost time for me to stop then I'm going shopping with the little money I have. I can't wait to get off campers because boyfriends name is jimmy and he is going to go to acc in the spring to get a degree in electrical technicians he already is one but he want a degree to get more money. it almost time to stop its almost time to stop its almost time to stop then go home it's labor day weekend and I'm so glad because were having a party at the lake house and taking the boat out to go skiing,. can't wait. well its time to stop so I'll

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I am eating a Hershey's bar with almonds. I told myself that I would only eat one little square of it, but as I can see, that didn't happen. You would think that eating chocolate would spoil my appetite, but actually it's making me more hungry. For more sweets. That's interesting. As I'm typing, those little notices that people are signing on AOL instant messenger keep popping up, and for some reason the cursor on my laptop keeps moving over the words I've already typed, so I have to keep going back and deleting and starting over. Annoying. Over the Labor Day weekend, which happened to include my birthday, by the way. On that note, I used to not like having a birthday so near a quote "holiday" because all of my school friends would have some vacation of some sort planned, and I wouldn't be able to get together with all of them. Now that I've entered COLLEGE (smile), I've grown - in two short weeks - to love having a long weekend for my birthday. To spend with special people (bigger smile). Anyways, this weekend (my computer did that thing again) I celebrated my 18th birthday with my family and my BEST friend. My mom used to attend UT Austin, in fact, both of my parents did. Unfortunately, due to health complications she was forced to transfer to another college back home. Anyways, she is a registered nurse, although she took maternity leave long ago, and at the moment she's decided not to go back to work until my little brother gets into his middle-elementary years. My dad is a self-employed architect. He used to work for a large corporation in Dallas, but hardly had time to have a life. A life away from work, that is. My mom likes to say that when I was a baby, she would have to show me a picture - AHHHH! my best friend just called! - she'd say that she would have to show me a picture of my dad and say: "Look, there's your Daddy. " Now my brother has the luxury of him coaching his fall baseball teams, and attending soccer practices, and taxi-ing him to karate class and piano lessons. My little brother, Matthew, was born when I was nearing 10 years old. Currently he is seven years old, in second grade. He came as a HUGE surprise, being as how physicians had told my mom that she was infertile. But obviously, as my case proved, they were wrong. He is very active, and shows so much love that I don't know how such a little body can produce it. Right now he's almost infatuated with copying my best friend, Patrick. Speaking of Patrick, I met him in high school. We both attended Health Careers High School, a magnet school in San Antonio. By chance, we've had a few classes together over the years, and, by chance, we only just met each other at the end of senior year. That was largely due to our parent's cooperative involvement in putting together Project Graduation for our senior class, to be held the night of graduation. Actually, we've been aware of each others presence for awhile now, being as how our school is relatively small in size, housing around 1000 students total; around 204 in my class. I didn't get to what I was saying, but I guess I'll leave the juicy stuff for next time.

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9/8/97 Yeah, I've finally gotten around to doing this assignment. I hope I do o. k. Oh whoops, I forgot to check my watch to see when I need to stop. O. k. it's 1:50 so I will stop at 2:10. I just double spaced at the end of that period. I remember learning how to do that in my 8th grade computer class. Oh gosh, what if this is too short? I'm a really slow typer, but this is really fun. The girl next to me is typing so fast, maybe I will be that good by the end of this year. There is a boy now walking around with a blank expression on his face. I wonder where he is going. After this I am going to my room and working on some homework. I like how the keys on this computer feel when I type. I miss my computer at my house, but anyway. This is fun, because I'm so used to typing in an organized fashion where everything is structured. I mean this assignment is structured, but our writing doesn't have to be. My left eye itches, but I'm afraid you touch it because I don't want to waste any time on my assignment. My watch just beeped which means that it is now 2:00, and I have ten minutes left. Wow, a loud buzzer just went off, maybe someone messed up a computer or something. Someone just rattled his change which reminds me that I have only a little bit of money left for the week. I hope I'm writing enough. This is as fast as I can go. I wonder if you really read these or just skim through them. It said this was a completion grade, good. I'll work on the other assignment tomorrow afternoon. the line now for waiting has gotten really long. Thank goodness it is air-conditioned in here. My left eye still hurts and is making me blink. I wonder what the others in here are working on? I wonder what my parents are doing right now? They are probably both already at home. I hope they find a place to stay for parents weekend. Gosh, that sounds so freshman. I only have 5 more minutes left. There is no way the teacher reads all of these. The t. a. must help. I like Scott. I went to one of his study sessions. My nails are long and I wanted to get a manicure. I wonder how many in the class have finished this assignment? Typing is very therapeutic, I feel a lot more relaxed now. I hope I've typed enough. The girl next to me is leaving. I have 2 minutes left. I just checked my watch. I'm kind of sleepy. I think I will go to bed early tonight. Yeah, tonight David Letterman is on. He's my favorite. Oh, my time is up. I'll be back tomorrow to work on the next homework!!!

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I am so mad right now that I can't believe it. I wrote out an entire stream of consciousness thing and I pressed cancel instead of submit which erased my entire writing assignment!! I am so angry and tired and I just don't feel like doing this anymore. I can't believe that I am so stupid!! Why am I doing this anyway?? It doesn't seem like it's doing any good and I don't see what it's serving. I don't have anything to write about anymore and I don't even know If I'm doing this thing right in the first place. I don't know if I'm supposed to be pressing enter at the end of each line or if I’m just supposed to write to infinity on one line or if I should press enter. I don't know. I don't think I even care right now. I'm cold too. my dorm room is always so cold. I don't know why we put the AC on so high maybe because Austin is always so freaking hot! Why is it so hot anyway? I hate Texas. I wish that we never moved from NJ; the weather was always so good there it was never too hot or too cold. I miss my friends too. I don't know what to do right now. or what to do when I'm done with this stupid assignment. great, I have about fifteen more minutes left. what the hell. why is this taking so damn long sorry about the swearing but I'm just really pissed right now. I'm also tired because I went shopping with my girlfriend today for over 7 hours and I'm so fatigued mentally and physically. How do girls do it? How can anyone possible walk for seven hours straight and not get tired. In that respect I completely admire them. wow. not left with anything left to say. I must have . who the hell is making so much noise in the hall way? this dorm is always too loud!!! I just want to move to an apartment and get some privacy. I hate these public bathrooms, they're so unsanitary. I'm having trouble breathing now. My asthma is acting up again. probably because it's so cold in here. I wonder what my girlfriend is doing right now. She left in a hurry after she dropped me off. That's the gratitude I get for going shopping with her for so long. I bet whoever is reading this thing is hating the fact that I can type 65 words per minute and I bet she is getting tired of reading all this crap. I'd go crazy if I have to read ten of these things, much less over three hundred. Man I can't breath. I need to get my inhaler. I think I need to go to the bathroom too. but I can't leave this computer to do it. Oh boy. what is life getting to? wow only ten more minutes before I am done!! and I still don't know what to write about. Those people sure are making a lot of noise out there in the parking lot. OH. I wonder who won the UT football game? I guess we did since the tower is lit up orange. but I wonder what the score was. I think I need to ask someone. Not that I actually care about football in the first place. my leg is itching why do we have so many nestle crunch bars laying around here anyway? I think we need to give some away. ouch I just got a really big stomach ache. all of a sudden I'm really really tired. I want to get some sleep. I never get enough sleep in college seven minutes left. good. I need a haircut. I'm too tired to think. My ear canal itches now my face and shoulder itch. I can't do this anymore. I'm debating whether or not I should just submit this thing and say that I wrote for twenty minutes since I type faster than most people anyway. No one would ever be able to tell the difference. only five more minutes. I can't think of anything to write. I need to call my girlfriend but her line was busy the last time I checked. I think her roommates are on the phone line. need some sleep why the hell can’t I just stop??!?!?!? I'm so tired. My arms are getting heavy. I'm not thinking of much anymore. can't lift my fingers. Think I’ll just sit here a while and hope that time will fly by quicker. easiest thing to do is zone out and not think of anything at all, that way I won't have to type anything. but then again here I am still typing. what the hell. I can't win either way. I need my inhaler really bad now. I can hardly breathe. only one more minute. can't think of anything to say getting really really anxious now. come on. um. I guess that's it then. I've got no more to say.

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well here I am in the same predicament. it's interesting how life tends to repeat itself so much. I don't like hearing music while I work. it get's annoying. but allanis morisette is okay. at least she puts some intelligence in her music. but music is distracting. I have a hard enough time sorting out all of the conflicting thoughts and emotions in my head as it is. I don't need music in there screwing things up while I'm trying to work. some people like listening to music while they work. perhaps they just don't have as much running through their minds as I do. I keep thinking of a million things all at once -- a million things that I neeed or want or should do. but will I ever get to them? sometimes I think I will never be bored. I would love that sensation. to be bored. to think, "hey, I have nothing better to be doing right now than just sitting around. " that would be so wonderful. but perhaps it is impossible for me. perhaps I will always find something to do. there is never going to be a time that I am devoid of all interest, all motivation, all desire to do SOMETHING that my mind tells me should be done. even if I had no school work, even if I finally unpacked all the crap in my room left over from the move. even if there was no one left to email, write, or call. even if all that happened, which it never will, then I'd need to finally get started on one of my many self-initiated "projects. " to learn more about religion -- especially mine. to teach myself how to play the piano, and the guitar, and the violin. to understand women. ha. I'd never finish that project. so perhaps my life consists of perpetual preoccupation. this is a stream of consciousness. I'm supposed to transcribe the thoughts as they run through my head. how is that possible? that's like trying to describe what happens on each roadway in america all at once. there are too many streamS of consciousness. there isn't just a singular stream. I could talk about the countless thoughts of how busy I am, how stressed my life is right now. I could speak of my love interests, my friends, my relationships with others past and present. I could speak of the things I want in life -- the never ending flow of "man I want to do that someday"s. I could gripe. I could gripe about anything and everything. I could turn philosophical. I could question. I could write my stream of consciousness about me thinking of any one of these things. yet I am thinking of them all at once. so how do I transcribe that? and then I look at the clock. ten minutes gone by. I have just put into words a small part of ten minutes of my thoughts. it's interesting how I love to write. it's such a peculiarly interesting thing. I wish I had written more as a kid. I wish I had kept a journal. I did for a while. it's amazing to see you misspell simple words, write so stiffly that the page seems like stone. but still, it's you. it's how you were long ago and how you have changed to what you are now. one excerpt of time. what piece of time. on paper. people talk of time machines, yet we all know they are physically impossible. the closest we will ever get is a little journal and the words that describe what the pen felt from the emotions of the heart. but back to time. I can never stay on one subject in my mind for very long. perhaps that's why I find it hard to sit still for long amounts of time and read. I wish I had more time. I wish I could make everyone happy. I think I could if I had the time. I'm trying to finish my reading. but my friend wants to go out. hell, it's 11:30 at night, and I wanted to get up at a decent time tomorrow. I never get anything done it seems when I start my day at three in the afternoon. but he wants to go out. I guess I should; it's saturday night. but hell, I went out every night this week it seems. why should I go out this night as well just because it's saturday. I should stay and work. I guess it's good though that he asked me to go out and I said yes. if I hadn't of been waiting for him, then I wouldn't have thought right now of the fact that I need to finish this writing assignment. argh! I can't stand not to proofread things. I'm such a perfectionist. I had to make sure that word was spelled right. I can't allow myself to not proofread something. even though it seems that's part of the point of this assignment -- to not look back and simply type. that's near impossible for grammar nuts, it's a sin. but I guess I will force myself to hit that submit button in about one minute when my twenty minutes are up. crap! that sentence ended on a preposition. again, these things just can't happen with my writing. but I will rebel; I will leave it be. I will just accept things for what they are and move on. (another preposition) perhaps I should act my life out that way. just let things be, accept them as they are, go with the flow, man. maybe if I didn't worry so much things would be much easier. I stopped worrying about the music and it didn't bother me until I thought about it again. I guess I should relax in life. I guess I should go out and have fun and forget about staying in and getting caught up on my work. I guess I shouldn't proofread this. I guess I should just hit that submit button.