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9

At the moment, the only thing that is going through my mind is how I will make it through college if I remain a procrastinator. Thus, I am completing this assignment because I feel that I need to make changes in my study habits. Moreover, I need to succeed at UT because I cannot afford to let my parents down. My parents have worked exceptionally hard to obtain their current status; it would be a total waste of their time and my time and of course, a total waste of money if I fail in college. Thus, failing is not possible. Occasionally, I ponder whether or not my parents see me as a failure. At times, I feel, as though, I am a failure because I am constantly being compared to my older brother. Everything that I do is not good enough and that I should be more like my brother; I guess one could say that I am always in my brother's shadow. Moreover, it is not only my parents that make the comparisons, but my aunts and uncles also make similar comparisons to other family children. Because they do this, I constantly feel depressed for short periods of time. In order to cope with this, I am apt to finding companionship and understanding through several short love relationships. Each of these "flings" can be sought as a substitute for happiness. However, I am now more knowledgeable about stuff like that because I know that these relationships are fun and all, but this relationships only make things worse. Not to mention that they only help you obtain temporary happiness. There is one thing good that has come of these experiences; I believe that I have found happiness with another. She makes me happy in all aspects of life and she actually seems to care about me for who I am and not someone else. When I am around her, she encourages me spiritually whether or not she does it intentionally. Surprisingly enough, she actually understands me without having me to explain anything; I guess you can say she's my soul mate, but there is one thing I am sure of, I love her with all my heart. In fact, she has been the only girl I have actually told that I love her and actually meant it. Just thinking about it at the moment makes me smile.

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Well hello, it is not that late but it feels that way, I wonder what is awaiting me in the jester mail room. a package, a big one at that from my mother. "some thing for you to hold on to" she says. what might that be? a teddy bear. I hope it is something interesting. now I am so excited I can not slleep. well this and also the fact that I slept for 3 hours this after noon and missed psychology. thank goodness I checked my e-mail, which is a rarety. I'm becoming stressed with calculus, devil class, I will fail and if I do I will take an easy summer course at home and pass with no stress, should be doing homework, this is homework!!!! this homework is fun I could get used to this, but it would be better is someone was listening. listening listening, should I be listening to my inner voice saying to drop out of school because it is too hard for the likes of me??? I will just have to work harder than the average bear bear, how funny , teddy bear, I wander what my package is. is brian going to come to see me this weekend with my family, do I want him to he will say no, I bet. that is just him I wander if my typing is keeping tina awake. I doubt it , there is sunshine every where on campus no rain no rain anywhere on campus why it is dry here, calculus chemistry calculus chemistry hate calculus love chemistry hate calculus hate calculus I wish that I didnt have to take this stupid useless math clas I don't need it at all I am in love with someone who is in love with me he is going away to the navy and I want to stay with him but he is affraid of being dumped by me, by me byme, but I care somuch for him why would I evere dump him, I wouldn't iwouldn't never!!!!!! I am as sure as I could be at this point in life life that is forced forcing me to go to school to be affraid to lose what I reallywant, what anyone really wants is obsolete who cares waht you want!!!!!!! its what you have to do no matter what the cost, your sanity, who cares one more mentally instable person join the club the prozac club, the zoloft club, the effexor club, did I mention that pre-pharmacyis my major the major that occupies this forced atmosphere, not physically but mentally my own mental judge pushing pushing pushing my self no one else has made this impossi\ble only myself my mind, foam club tomarrow in bikini to get in free, is this fun I'm excited I hope my so-called friend decides to take a few more people so-called not = to negative meaning only question of the true meaning of friend I want to be perfect in every single way humanly and inhumanly possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! put me in an experiment!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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13

Well, after two weeks of trying to find a computer after receiving this assignment, I finally found one. Unfortunately it is probably in one of the worst possible locations, at least unbeknownst to the owner of this computer, who is-ironically enough, my poor neighbors who suffer through hours and hours of us ( the people living next door) screaming and yelling and jumping around until the wee small hours of the morning. I can hear the people in my room pounding on the wall now. ohhh shit, this girl who owns this computer just told me, not knowing it was me, that she hates the people who live next door (ahhhh!) I am smiling now. I always find irony amusing. They are still pounding next door. What the hell are they doing. HE HEHEEHEH-they just called us the 'Fort Worth Girls' now that's funny stuff. I seriously have a major stomach ache. It hurts soo soo soo bad. I have been sick for like, three or four days now, I really feel terrible. My insides just hurt and every time I stand up I get dizzy. This computer is slightly difficult for me to type on. Oh well I only have 13 minutes left if I did my math correctly which, knowing my intellectual level, I probably did not do. I kind of feel bad that these people I don't even personally know already hate me and my suite mates. That's kind of depressing you know, but then hey, what can you do about it? Everyone is entitled to pass their own judgements, how ever unfortunately. I wish my computer was working. It's really, really cute. It's a new black compaqe-compaque well however you spell it that's what it is. I wonder how I did on my French test two days ago. I hope that I did okay. I am seeing all kinds of new people. Isn't it surprising all the people that you see all the time, every day that you don’t know and will never meet? I think that that is , well to say the least, strange. MY back really hurts. I think , wow, coughing fit, that I will thank the girl who's computer this is profusely. I feel so bad now, physically and mentally. I cant wait to go home this weekend. Have my mom take care of me and see my guy that I am kind of dating. I miss him. he says he misses me. I wonder if he is sincere in the way that he expresses himself he is so poetic and thoughtful and lovely. I said that I loved him but I don’t know if I really meant it. I don’t know if I could ever really love anyone. After all, I really don’t even think that I love myself. chocolate milk, how random, sounds totally really really good right now. Anyway, he has a boxer dog named Romeo. Very cute. I hate most dogs however. I love my cats. I miss my cats. I am glad I am getting at least this first assignment done. I cant spell for shit tonight. I also manage to talk like a sailor. Oh well. I feel bad, this girl has like left her room, probably until I leave, I guess I wouldn't want to hang out with a strange blonde girl typing on my computer either. I wonder if she is talking about me now or will talk about me when I leave. That must suck, to know that that is going to happen and well, I guess I'll just be as nice as I can be. I really don’t want her to hate me but oh well. Oh hello boy in very very short shorts. That is so Montreal. I am just in extreme pain. I want to work out and I haven't in like ohhh-three weeks now. Hello freshman 15, 25, 55. I’m all about gaining weight this year. My mom is going to freak out and enroll me in every diet program in the country. Maybe I just can start like, slim fast right now, save myself some time and pain with my mere. I want to go to France. I wonder what exactly constitutes 20 minutes. I really must be very very thankful. I am such a terrible person. I really really am mean.

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I wander if I will go to psychology today. I don't feel like it since my car is in the shop today. I still need to go to the bank and return the DVD player. Should I exchange it or get my money back since I don't have much money. At least I don't have to go to work. I can't wait until I graduate only one more year. Oh yeah I have to do some reading today but I am having trouble concentrating. My thumb is hurting from typing. I think it is mainly from my old job but typing is aggravating it. I guess my thoughts are drying up because I am trying to write but I normally can't stop thinking about stuff. I really want to go to Italy but Loly is saying we don't have money. oh well we will see. She is frustrating because she is not focused on her future. I just want us to be done with school as soon as possible. I can't wait until I start working I hate not having enough money. I probably need another job now because I only work about 10 hours a week. when I get back I need to put my car for sale. It better not take to long in the shop like last time. I'm getting tired of this writing. I really need to get my stuff together so I don't fall behind in my reading but most of the reading is really boring. psy is kind of interesting but architecture and accounting, two classed I like are boring to read. Ill be glad when I only have a job and not a job and school. it should be fun to go home this week but I wont go back for a long time today. I'm tired of hearing about those damn firestone tires. I should invest in stock. the tv is on that's why I'm rambling. Morgan is going to be bought by chase Manhattan. I new I should have bought their stock. But no money to back it. c'est la vie I don't know if I spelled that right but oh well. well I'm just about done and none to soon. I wander what I will do tonight I'm not going to psy today. today was a lazy day. well see you next assignment. have a nice day.

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Right now I am feeling kind of loney because I haven't really talked to anybody for about 6 hours. I'm not the kind of person who usually keeps to myself. I am very social, but with the size and and stress of college life, making friends is kind of the last thing you want to think about. Even if you do make friends sometimes you never really keep in touch with them. I'm guessing that I'm not the only one to feel like this beacause every day as I walk from class to class I see hundreds of other students walking by themselves and I can only guess that they too feel lonley at some point in the day. Also, I;m starting to think that college life isn't what I expected to be. In a way it is kind of easy because there are no eight hour class days for most people like in high school, but because of the size of some of my classes I don't really get the kind of personal attention I would get in high school. all the time I hear music in my head. It can range from something I just heard on MTV a couple of hours ago to some classical music or something we played in my high school band. Music is a big part of my life. In high school I was in the band for four years and other than making me a better player, it also made me more social and open with my feelings. I wanted to get into band over her at UT, but I never auditioned. I didn't think I was ready. I didn't think that I would be on the level of the rest of the members, and that fear was partly why I never tryed out. I want to try out next year but I have no instrument to practice on because it is too expensive to purchase. I don't consider my lonliness to be a bad thing because I'm not really sad. While in college I learned that sometimes you need your own time to just relax and think to yourself. All in all I'm happy with the way my life is going because I know that in the future college will pay off.

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I have watching Comedy Central for the past hour or so. The program involved people getting paid not to laugh while listening to comedians. If I were one of those people paid not to laugh, I wouldn't pay attention to the actual words the comedians was saying. Listening to the skit would most likely make me laugh, so I would think of something else. I would discuss with myself something really boring, so as not to laugh. Speaking of boring, I received two letters today from my boyfriend. He was talking about being bored in class. He attends A&M, the idiot. My parents don't know he's my boyfriend. They think he's just my best friend since that's what we were all last year. My sister, whose computer I'm using, doesn't know either. I hope she doesn't read anything I'm writing here. If she did, I'm not so sure she wouldn't tell my parents. My mother loves my boyfriend, but I don't think she or my father would let me visit him at A&M if they knew he was more than just my friend. Otherwise, I would love to tell them. They would be so happy for both of us, seeing as how they love him. I just want to be able to have him visit me and me visit him without my parents wondering why we're visiting each other. Plus, my parents are quite protective. I don't know how their attitudes towards him would change if they knew. All of my past boyfriends have been introduced to them only after we became boyfriend and girlfriend. My past boyfriends were very different from my current boyfriend. Their outlook on life, intelligence level, looks, interests, and families were exact opposites from his. He's exceptionally smart, and I'm not just saying that because he's my boyfriend. He loves Einstein, his theories, and computers. My old boyfriends loved roller blading, and non-intelligent ways of spending an evening, if you know what I mean. My boyfriend actually listens when I talk to him. He will also talk if I ask him a question. He doesn't lie to me, which is a big change. In fact, we spend most of our time together just talking about differing interesting things. You would think we would run out of things to say, but there is always more. We've had these talks for at least nine months and still have more to talk about. I can actually see spending the rest of my life with him. I can't believe I just said that. I never thought I'd be able to say that about anyone. Wow, I'm impressed. He's one of the closest things to my heart. It's weird actually talking about this. For the longest time, I didn't want anyone that close. Now it's kind of comforting. Oh boy, I have been typing for quite a while now. Sorry. Bye, and have fun reading this and delving into my soul.

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I'm somewhat in question with the purpose of this assignment. I'm in a hurry, with places to go and things to do; once again I leave things to the last moment. My 20 minutes will be up and then I will find myself fleeing out the door to make my next objective of the day. Duty from 13, and then the notsoceremonious, colors ceremony. I wonder who codes the script for these pages. Is it Dr. Pennebaker himself who makes the web pages for his own classes; I doubt that all the professors are even somewhat proficient in HTML, needless the mention all the complicated CGI scripts that must be involved with all these online forms. So long as you have a working understanding of how CGI/Java/html works, with an updated WYSIWYG web page creator, it is not all too difficult to create and publish your own web page. My topic flows from one to another as quickly as the minutes roll by while typing this assignment. The lectures of this class are interesting, even entertaining (imagine that), though I'm worried on the difficulty of the test. We have covered a great deal of material from the book, most of which was only very vaguely covered in class. Most of the concepts so far are somewhat familiar to me. I took psych my junior year in High School with a very good teacher. He used every moment that was allocated in his classes to make sure we absorbed as much knowledge as possible. He was dedicated to his work, and would compel us to be dedicated to ours. This is of course Friday, and while I was supposed to be free after noon today, I find that my ROTC obligation will keep me occupied at least until 1700. I'm beginning to realize just how much time this is taking up from me; it will be a struggle to maintain any academic performance that I have begun in my classes. I have taken either tests or exams in all but this class. The computers are down so I don't know what my grade is yet, and I don't have enough time to check with the correction sheet on the website to calculate my grade myself. Well, my twenty minutes is almost up, just a few more to go. I haven't really written much, nor has my writing kept any cohesive thought or substance to it, but I suppose that's what's to be expected from something like this. I don't know what this is supposed to convey about me or my personality, but whatever it is, I probably wouldn't want to know anyway. And now I'm off to finish the rest of my day.

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So I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing with this. just typing I guess. Damn aim. No one ever wants to instant message me until I start doing something. There are so many times when I am just sitting here playing on the computer and doing nothing really, and no one wants to talk. The minute I start doing something productive, there is like five people trying to talk to me at once. All that typing and its only been two minutes. I have no idea what to type. Can your mind really go blank? I mean, I want to use the expression right now, my mind is blank, because I'm not really thinking about anything, but obviously I'm thinking about something because I am typing this stuff. So my mind really isn't blank then. So I guess your mind doesn't really ever go blank. My roommate is funny. I keep picturing her when I walked in the door from class earlier. She was asleep on the couch but she had the pillow on her face. How someone can sleep with a pillow on their face is beyond me. Its looked so funny though. I should have took a picture. I'm really sleepy already and its only going to be seven o'clock in the evening. I am still not used to this getting up early for class stuff. Ah. The new real world is on tonight. I absolutely love watching that show. All the drama. Its interesting to watch. Its kind of sad though I think, the way people love to watch reality shows. I mean, they are not really a true picture of reality. They film for hours and hours and hours, but the show itself is usually only a half hour episode, and they usually only run for a few months, once a week. Can u imagine how much film ends up on the "cutting room floor" as they call it. All the drama and stuff is pretty much made up by producers if you think about it. If not made up completely at least embellished. And its all because of editing. Birthday. Someone on TV just said the word birthday. I'm so excited. My birthday is a week from tomorrow. Yeah! but I also have my dad's birthday next week and my boyfriend's too. And I have no idea what to get them. Actually what to get my boyfriend. My dad is easy. A gift certificate for tools or golf stuff and he is happy. My boyfriend. I don't know. He already has plenty of cologne (did I spell that right?) so I don't want to get him that. And I always buy him clothes. I want to get him something different this time but I have no idea what. And he is going to be 21. Lucky. Everyone is leaving me behind. I am the youngest of a lot of my friends. So now they can all go out to the bars. Without me. So sad. I still have a whole year to go. Bleh I hate waiting. Bleh. Is that a word? I type it a lot on aim. Its my way to say yucky or boring or I don't know. I heard it from somewhere though. I can't remember where. Ha-ha. My roommate is up. I wonder if she knows she was sleeping with a pillow on her face. Because it fell off when I came in. Bleh. I am not looking forward to waking up early tomorrow again. I think we should have a fall break. kind of like spring break. I need my rest. Its only the third week of school and I'm already so exhausted. I need a break.

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This is a hard assignment in the sense that I do not know what I am thinking. I have so much homework to do today. I really wish that I had more time to do everything I need to do before a new week starts. I cannot believe that it is already September. I am so ready for another three day weekend. I wish we had another break before Thanksgiving holiday. It is such a pretty day outside. I really should have exercised. I wonder if I will have time tomorrow. Oh well. I really need to go grocery shopping. I have nothing to eat in the apartment. I should ask Kristen if she wants to go to the store with me. Something else I need to do is call Grace about my trip to visit her this October. I really hope that the trip works out. I miss her. She is the funniest girl ever. I really want Mexican food for dinner, but I am having Italian. Oh well, Italian could also be good. At least I won't eat a thousand chips before I even get my meal. Instead I will eat about a pound of bread. Does that even make sense? A pound of bread? Oh I guess I mean a loaf of bread. Whatever. It is so quiet in this room right now. I wish there was something going on so that I could have something funny to think and therefore type about. This stream a consciousness essay must be really boring for someone to read. Actually I bet some of them are really interesting to read. I always am wondering what other people are thinking about. I wish that I was a better typer. I am a little faster than I use to be, but I still make a ton of mistakes. This essay could get pretty long considering the amount of thoughts I have in a twenty minute period. Oh I guess that I am not the only person home right now. I heard a door close it must be Kristen or Catherine. I love living in an apartment. It is so different that last year. I never made my bed. I should get in the habit of making my bed when I get out of bed each day. But then I know I would want to take a nap that day, and then I would just mess up the covers again. Beds are meant to be unmade. I guess that is how I feel now, but wait until I have a family of my own. I totally will be just like my mom and make my kids make their bed every day. I wish that I was as organized as my mom. She always has everything in the right place. I guess I will grow into being more organized one of theses days. I guess? Wow the time really has gone faster than I expected for this essay. but now that I noticed the time I bet it goes even slower. I hate the feeling when you are in class and you think it is at least half over and it really has only been about 15 minutes. That happened to me in math Friday. I think because it was my last class on Friday, I was just anxious for the weekend. I love the weekends. I wish I could have gotten more sleep this weekend. I feel like I never get enough sleep. I in the the mood just to curl up in bed and watch a good movie. I wonder what movie? I really am in the mood for a really good movie that I have not seen or that I love. I have not been to the movie theater in so long. I think the last movie that I saw was Pirates of the Caribbean. It was good. Jonny Depp looked really crazy in the movie. Orlando Bloom is so cute. I wonder how old he is. I bet he is in his early twenties. Just the perfect age for me. I like the idea of the guy being a little older than the girl just because of maturity. I really wish that I had a crush on someone right now. I feel like there is no one I want to date right now. That is the worse feeling. What time is it. It is getting late. The day has gone by so fast. I need to do so many more things today. I should probably start taking my notes for Geography today so that I don't have so much to do tomorrow. I am so sick of taking notes right now though. I really need to stay motivated!

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I am thinking about an email I just read. It's from a friend from a kickboxing class. He was giving me a hard time, Which is fine because I make fun of him too. He's a pretty funny guy but I am really trying to come up with a good joke to really bust his chops. I am also thinking about how depressed everyone is today, being September 11th and all. I wonder how Sept. 11th will be in like 50 years. I also wonder how long it will take for it to get into student's text books. I hope they don't do the same thing that they did for Pearl Harbor and Titanic, and make a love story out of it. That's rediculous, there is more to it than some guy going off to work while his wife is at home and his lover is at his secret apartment. I bet a lot of people will be angry if someone manages to come up with one. I would hate to be President Bush now. He has some tough decisions to make. Half of the country says: Kill 'em all! While the others are screaming: PEACE. No matter what, someone will not get what they want. Even in the West Mall today, there are tons of people speaking their opinion, showing signs and passing out ribbons. But it's not totally black and white. I think there is a grey area. Some people say war and some say peace, but I think we can find some in-between. Killing innocent children isn't a good idea but we have to stand up for ourselves if we want this to stop. I don't know. . I don't like talking about politics or religion. Too much controversy. Everyone is too stubborn to see the sides of others. I am also thinking about when I was here in the computer lab yesterday. Some girl started crying really loud in the hallway. It was just like out of the movies. None of us knew what was going on. Some people got up and went to see, which (although curious myself) I thought was rude. I went to my kickboxing class last night. It really makes me feel self-confident. Learning those moves last night was a lot of fun. Why isn't the time and minutes thing doing anything? I am afraid that I will have to do this all over again. I am looking around the room and noticing that just about everyone here is checking their email. I guess no one does work on computers!!! I like coming in here to check my email but I always feel like someone is reading what I am typing behind me. If they want to know so bad, they should just ask. I am very tired. I went to bed late, and slept through my alarm. But somehow I still made it to my 9:00 class. Barely! That class is fun. Learning sign language is very important I think. Just as important as learning Spanish or French or something. Going to the social events will be sort of weird though. Since I am not very good at signing, I will pretty much be a wall flower.

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hmmm, what should I write. This is so hard for me, but I think I'll make it work. That guy just signed on again, and I won't be surprised if he sends me an Instant Message. But I really don't want to talk to him. The refrigerator is making this humming noise that always bothers me, even when I’m sleeping. I hope that my roommate sleeps over at trey's apartment because I don't want to hear her snore. There is somebody talking outside, I can hear them even way up here. I should turn off that light by my bed because if it burns too long everything gets too hot. The creaking of the walls here bother me too. and now some girl just ran down the hall. The airplanes can be really loud here because we are so high. I don't understand why people can't shut their doors quietly or push their chairs in without making so much noise. I wonder if anyone is going to call me in the middle of this. That would make me lose everything. Those people that call that person next door are really pretty stupid. They let the phone ring like fifteen times. In a small dorm room is that really necessary? My typing has gotten so bad, I hate to capitalize. I should have sent that letter on Saturday, but I was just too lazy to bring it down there. Now it's going to have a weird date on the letter that doesn't match the postmark date on the envelop. I guess I’m not the only one that does that though, so it's ok. My feet are cold. They are always so cold. and today the girl next door was complaining about how hot it was. I am never hot in this room. There is some humming coming from outside. I wonder if it is just a bus being idle right now. My computer just got more energy or something because it made some noise. People are walking in the hall now, I can here them. These walls must not have good insulation. There goes a loud car that was revved up too quickly. That doesn't make sense to me. I should wash my dishes. I wonder what my neighbors are talking about when they just said "that's really bad. " my wrists are starting to hurt, I should probably change my hand position. I also should do my laundry. the rest of my laundry. I need to wash my towels. I wonder how long I would have to wait in line for the stuff. Probably too long, I think I will just wait till another day. That girl just coughed again. That makes me think that I should buy some cough drops. I am getting sleepy. I wish I wasn't so lazy. My eyes feel like their drooping. I wonder what the score is on the Cowboy game. I need to sit straight so that my back doesn't hurt. I wish I knew why my back hurts so much, I think it must have been that Sunday I helped dad. I really wish I had eaten something other than Burger King. I should have eaten Subway. I enjoy tuna subs better. I just yawned. I think I need stamina. My watch is digging into my are. I now have a whole impression of my watch in my arm. That kind of stuff annoys me. This watch is too little. It is made for little kids. I'm going to close my eyes while I type. I hope I don't mess up too many words. That would a bad think if it couldn't be read. I need to get a haircut, I want to get it styled, but I’m scared that the way it will be done won't look good. I’m taking off my watch now, it 's bothering me too much. why does my stapler have such a big crack down the middle of it I wonder why the mail didn't come yesterday. that makes me so mad. I bet I would have had mail. this gum is tasting pretty gross but it tastes better than the burger. Yawn. now I have goosepimples. why am I so cold. I should probably put on a long shirt. why doesn't my camera rewind all the way. Maybe I should just get a new one. one of those advantage ones that I can take to Switzerland. that would be great for all the scenic pictures. Yawn. why do my eyes water so much when I yawn. that is very annoying. there goes the telephone again. I bet it will ring for a long time. nope it only rang once. I guess the girl is there now. my computer just froze up kinda, I bet I did something wrong, I am always doing something wrong. I wonder how fast I can type without making lots of mistakes. so far I am doing pretty good. why is it whenever you say that you get worse. , the second I said it, it got worse. now my wrists are really hurting. someone is going into their room, and the just slammed their door. that just bothers me so much.

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I feel kind of alone. I feel like I can't trust as many people as I use to. The people I trust are miles from me. I miss them. I miss talking to them everyday. Even though we still keep in touch it's not the same. I miss my hometown. I miss playing highschool basketball. College is going to be hard for me because I never study and when I do Study I can't study that long because I get tired because tired. It feels like my life is just beginning because I'm experiencing new things. I wonder if I'm going to meet the perfect girl up here. I'm kind of scared of this assignment because I don't know if I am doing it right but I think I am. I need a haircut because my hair is starting to get shaggy. I like getting haircuts. I'm tired but that's nothing unusual because I 'm always tired. I think I'm going to visit my home town this weekend. I want to see a good movie because I haven't seen one in a while. My eyes are starting to hurt because I have to stare at the keys hard.

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I always have a million thoughts going on in my head but now that I am asked to write about them, I can't. I wonder where the printers are. its already 7:40. its so quiet in here. I wonder if this girl next to me knows where to print. it looks like she's buisy. this keyboard is dirty, the keys are hard to press. I shouldn't have thrown away my smoothie. its so dull in here. its already getting dark. I hope I'm spelling okay. I can't wait until tomorrow. "and I love you, and its more then I ever knew. " (I'm singing in my head). its too quiet, like we're not allowed to talk, its kind of depressing. I'm so glad I learned to type. I hope I can download my calculus homework on this computer. I hope I understand it. this weekend I go home. but the best part is going to be the six hour drive with my boyfriend. he's great. and I love him more everyday. I hope this feeling lasts. I would love to marry him, in like 6 years. he's great and we're great together, I miss him. I just saw him yesterday but I miss him. I'm hungry. I think ill take dinner up to my room and socialize with my roommate. I wonder what I'm going to eat today. I had a sandwhich yesterday. I should eat something hot. hmm. I guess I could have chicken strips. or vegetables. oo, and a salad. is that how you spell oo. oh, eww, uh, oo. ? oh well. now its 7:48. I wonder if I need glasses? this watch is bothering me. ah, there. my foot hurts so much. I wonder when the swelling will go down. I should email my dad. I hope my string doesn't come off. I forgot to put my rings back on. I hope I don't lose them. tomorrow I have an easy day, and I get to see fili. yah. yeh. ya. whatever. my head hurts. I should eat. what did I eat today. cereal. soup. hmm. I should eat dinner after this. I have so much reading to do. but its labor day weekend, so ill do a little bit each day and then finish this weekend. wow, my time is almost up. I hope I'm doing this right. hmm. I think so. I wish I could gain weight, well in certain places more then others. now someone else is sitting next to me. hmm. its so weird how there are so many oriental students here, its almost as if they are the majority. but that can't be right. it must just seem that way. there are so many people and I don't know any of them. someones chair keeps squeaking. oh, I need to sign up for those informal classes. what is that ringing. I don't think cell phones are allowed in here. I need to write a letter to danny. I wonder if hanna plays this weekend. I know they do. but where? hmm I need to find out, but soon. I wonder if I should tell my parents about me going home this weekend or just surprise them. I don't know which one is better or worse. oh well. that chair squeaked again. I don't see any printers. hmm. I should stop looking around, people are looking at me funny. its almost eight. I need to read. I wonder if the timer goes past twenty minutes or if it keeps going. well that answers my question.

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Hello my name is Joey michael Kindred and I am a biology major. I plan to go to medicall school some day and I hope to become an orthopeodic surgeon. I did not become interested in orthopeodic surgery until I hurt my knee the first game of the football season my senior year in high school. I tore three ligaments and blew seventy percent of my cartilage in my left knee. I used to want to be an orthodontist until this injury but my interests changed with the surgey and all. School is very importtant to me although in high school I can honestly say that I did not try my hardest. I did weell enough to get by and to get into the University of Texas but I did not do my best. From this point forward I strive to be the best that I can be in school and whatever I do so that I can get into a medical school, hopefully somewhere in Texas. I grew up and lived most of my childhood in dallas texas and that is where my dad lives. I have a lot of friends that live there and I really like dallas. It holds a special place I my heart because of all of my experiences there. I moved to mIdland texas in the seventh grade and went to high school there at midland high. it is really neat to hear you talk about midland, Dr. Pennebaker, in our class. I had many great thigns happen to me while I was in midland and one of those things is my long term girlfriend of five years, Katy Kelly. She means the world to me and I hope I mean the world to her. She ended up at texas tech university but hopefully she is going to transfer to UT at the start of next school year for the fall of 2000. I am going to las vegas with her and her family in september for her birthday and I think that will be fun. it will be hot in las vegas and I look forward to seeing the beachboys and Alannis Morisette live at my hotel. I miss her terribly and I haven't seen her since the 20 of August. her mom and dad constantly send me email and little care packages and I hope someday I will marry this girl. I want to live somewhere in the country but somewhere that I don't have to drive that far to work. I want to live outside of a big city because I want to be a weell known doctor that people from all over teh country go to in order to get there bones fixed. that has always been a goal of mine and I plan to carry it out. I hope to have kids someday and raise them the same way my dad raised me because I can't complain. I grew up in a chrch going family and just came to really know the Lord abotu two years ago. Church is very important to me although I havent found a church here in Austin that I am just wild about. I am a freshman yousee and I havenot been heree that long. that is my life story wrapped up in just a little bit of time but I guess that was my stream of conciousness because that is what I thought about when I was writing.

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As I am told to write this assignment, I begin my forced thinking by trying to find the correct ideas to write in this paper, instead of thinking whatever I want to in an incomplete and disordered way as I have been used to since I got out of school three months ago. So it's very difficult right nom, and you will notice that I constantly get distracted and start babbling incoherently. I'll try to write this paper very spontaneously so you get the right picture; but be warned. Right before looking at the incredibly outstanding WebPage (yeah right!) for my PSY class, I was thinking where else could I surf the web, or if I should go to the pool here at my Pearl St. Co-op, or if I should start reading a bit, which is a definite NO. I mean, it's Friday!, or if I should write to my parents down in Mexico City, etc, etc. So basically, I was evaluating everything I could possibly do in this boring Friday afternoon, when what I really anted to do was nothing. But I've had exactly three months of that since school in Mexico ended the 25th of May; and I immediately decided to do something productive which is this. I guess my mind is still warming up from all that time of null intellectual activity, and I'll get right back on track again. To tell you the truth, I think I am ready to start doing everything the right way, and not to procrastinate, which has been a big problem since I was born (I guess) or maybe it was because of my upbringing, or just because of the culture which I am a part of. As you may notice, I read chapter one yesterday and I can certainly notice a change in how I view things in my life and the life of others. In other words, I am starting to think in a psychological perspective already! The 20 minutes are over, and I can say that for a moment there, I was really concentrated and just writing all of this. but just as I noticed that the time was up, I started to wonder into something else again. I think that it was probably because my attention span is a bit short, but I know I'll get better. Thanks for taking a little swim into my spontaneous and disordered thoughts and I hope I was not that boring. Now I guess I've done my productive "thing" for today, and I can take a swim into the pool right in front of me! Or maybe not. we'll see what my mind tells me later.

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Right now, I'm a little worried. I just stopped talking to my friend Nick on the phone and he was talking about claiming credit and what not. I hope I'm not forgetting to do something or else I'll be in trouble. That's the last thing I need right now is trouble. My dad would kill me if I did something stupid (e. g. forgetting to do something I needed to do) and was disenrolled from any of my classes, especially ones in my major. I looked over some information I had, and I really don't think that there will be a problem, but I wish Nick wouldn't have mentioned anything about it. I'd much rather be surprised than to know something was coming and have nothing to do about it. It would be like a giant meteor coming to destroy the world. I would make rather just die in a giant flash of light than have to worry for weeks knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. In Deep Impact the president broadcasted to the world that there was an asteroid coming on a collision course with Earth, I would hate that. Sure they are going to try to stop it, but I don't have that much faith in the US Government to fix poverty let alone stop an asteroid from killing us all. Dig a giant hole in the ground. sure, that'll work. But anyway, I hope nothing bad happens to me. This whole college thing is a new experience for me, I'm not used to taking responsibility for everything like I have to now. I'm alone up here, except for my sister not that she can do anything. If I screw up it's my fault and I have to live with my mistake. And even if I do mess up, what would happen? I'd get dropped from a few classes and I'd have to wait another semester before doing the classes that I want to get done now. It might be good in a way, I'd have an incredibly easy semester and later I would have more electives in which I could take anything I want rather than having to take Chemistry or Psychology. All I can really do is hope, I guess. Other than the ocassional worrisome things, college is pretty nice. Carothers is an awesome dorm, much better than what I expected from a dorm. I think that I might like living here next year if I don't move off campus. I'd prefer living here actually. I never was very social before in High School, but it's nice here, it's different. Most people here aren't complete idiots. Honors dorm and all. Also people are maturing I think. There aren't as many clique-ish people here. People are more accepting of other people's views and lifestyles. It might just be that we're all in a daze from being thrown into the college and are just looking for something to hold on to, but it could be maturing. I hope it's maturing. Before in High School nobody would talk to me. I think I scared them. But here it's different. Here people don't seem to care. I think I have to give the whole "God you're so HOT lets be boyfriend girlfriend" thing a few more years, but I can live with just friends, for now. That's always bothered me though. How people, no matter how smart or mature they are, are obsessed with looks. Personally, I don't want my girlfriend/fiance/wife to be gorgeous by society's definition. I feel that every woman in one way or another is beautiful, as cheesy as that may sound. I've met people that I'd like to get to know better, and they aren't model types. I've seen those types too and they don't impress me much at all. But I think the real thing that's keeping me from getting to know any of the people I'd like to know better is my shyness. I'm not used to being social, so being thrown into a dorm with so many other social people is a strange change for me. It takes some getting used to. I need to adapt I guess, become more comfortable with my surroundings and my place in the surroundings. My friend Casey became engaged too. That scares me. He's 18 I think, maybe 19, probably 18. Right now, I'm only 17 but I can not see myself getting engaged to be married in a year. 18 years, when the average lifespan of a person is over 70. That's 50 years, a long time to stay married. And if I do get married I never want to get a divorce. I'd rather spend another year making sure she's the one than finding out a year into our marriage when my wife might be with child or something else. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I think that's the way it should be. But I can't tell Casey that. it's his life, I've seen him and Melissa together and they are a good couple, but people change you know. Maybe it's just my fear of the unknown or maybe it's true, but marriage ties you down, it keeps you from changing, it's binding. I'd hate to see Casey or Melissa's life ruined by this. Or at least I hope they don't get married until much later, and just stay engaged. Maybe I care too much and maybe it's none of my business, but this is just my stream of consciousness and it doesn't matter beyond my own mind.

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wow I really need to shower but I'm going to go work out later so that is ok. maybe tim will come and abbey and mike, they would be so cute. I don't know though but I'm glad tim called me yesterday. the flowers aunt michelle sent me are getting old where should I put them, I guess in the waste basket thing by the stairs. I wish I could use those but every time I go down for lunch you can't get in from that staircase, its annoying. I'm really hungry. I was not supposed to eat the snickers and kit kats but I mean I practically had vegetables for lunch so its ok, plus its the weekend soon and I don't want to waste it. I forgot to go draw my tickets, I never know when to go. I should look it up soon but I can't go now because sunny and abbey have not given me their IDs and its probably too late anyway. and lets see only like an hour till psychology, I want to sleep but ate the candy so I'd stay awake and its working I mean I'm a little tired but not too much. I went to bed around like 1 last night but I wanted to study more, but my roommate was sleeping and she gets mad or annoyed sometimes when I turn on the light, like its a spotlight on her or something. anyway kinda pisses me off and I have to do everything in the dark which takes forever, I have to brush my teeth, take my pills, do my nose drops, lots of stuff. and then she wakes up really early - well she had a class, but she didn't wake up to her alarm and I did. and then when she left it went off again and I still had an hour to sleep before I had to get up to get dressed. it was cool though. my room is nice and clean now, the maid lady came because she forgot to come yesterday. I can't really do this if my roommate is in here, oh well. she is about to come in, I hope I can focus! this is really hard to think of things to say because I have never really paid attention to my stream of consciousness. I don't know if I'll be able to draw my tickets tomorrow because my classes are in the morning and I don't know what time it closes. probably all sold out anyway, so many people here. but its funny because I'm not meeting as many people as I'd like to, but I have only gone to like one frat so. I'm glad I met tim though, that was kind of random and he is really cute. and abbey seems to like mike, who really likes her, and they would be cute too. but abbeys is either changing a lot or living a lie, she goes to frats like 4 times a week, its crazy. and I have been friends wither her for like 10 years so I know she procrastinates so I hope she gets her work done. I don't think she is though because she always says she has hw and then leaves to go party or something, whatever though. we might go get coffee later at barnes n noble, its such a far walk. I don't need coffee either but I think abbey thinks I'm mad at her so I'm going to go anyway and just study I guess. I mean I knew college was a lot of studying but I didn't think it'd be this much. maybe because I'm such a slow reader. I only read about 20 pages per hour. and in the textbook its only 10 per hour. its so slow and so many pages. I finally finished the psychology homework like 2 hours ago, it was sort of interesting but I hope the next chapters are better. I don't think I'm retaining anything. which is bad because I read for so long that you'd think I'd be learning it. I get psychology confused with philosophy and then can't seem to remember either of them. but in class I listen and I get it, then after I try to think about it and all my classes run together. yesterday was especially bad because I got my first grade on a calculus homework assignment. I made a 71 and it really pissed me off because I worked so hard and asked the teacher assistant for help but he gave me the wrong answer and I trusted it. he also didn't do some examples on the board correctly, which made me get another one wrong. today he was all ?oops? yeah it made me mad. but oh well I can drop it according to the syllabus that I don't have printed out. I hope whoever reads this does not think I'm a psycho or anything, or can't spell because its either a typo or I just don't spell well. I really am a good student though and I'm really sad about the calculus hw because it was my very first college grade and I have been waiting for all my hard work to pay off, and it sucked. I was in the bathroom at kerby lane and I cried when I told my dad, I always do that. its good that I have bangs now because if I were to cry or not pluck which I need to do, you can't tell that much. I'm funny about crying, I do it when something really touches my heart, which is kind of often I guess. but pain wise I'm pretty tough, I played basketball for so long. I'm so accident or injury prone. I swear I always get hurt. at the football game that hurt so much when I stepped on that glass I think there was still some in my foot but beth said there was not. it does not hurt anymore so that is alright. I just hope everything goes well for me I mean I really wanted a 4. 0 gpa but now I'm scared. maybe being scared will hinder my performance, so ill stop worrying about it and just trust that I'm smart enough. twenty minutes is almost up.

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I just finished taking the prescreening survey and I could not help but feel that some of those questions were ridiculous and repetitive. I'm not even sure that I will agree to participate in any extra surveys even if I'm qualified. I don't feel comfortable being subject to any questionable tests - the guinea pig feeling makes me feel lesser, I guess. I have a lot on my mind concerning a specific event that happened yesterday, and I surprisingly feel comfortable talking about it. I feel alright talking to people, but somehow it's different typing my feelings onto a screen. this screen represents nothing to me right now, I don't know if anyone will ever read or really care about reading this. somehow I'm still making sure that I am spelling words correctly and using acceptable grammar. anyway, the event that I found out about yesterday. involves losing a person that I knew in high school. I can't stop thinking about the fact that just two years ago we were sitting in the same classrooms and wandering the same halls, and now one of us isn't here. it's very clear in my mind that we weren't the best of friends, but we shared the same circle of friends and some of my best friends knew her very well. I personally haven't spoken or seen her since graduation, but I knew she would accomplish everything she wanted and do it better than anyone else. now that I think about it (and I can't stop thinking about it) she is one of the most brilliant people I have met in my life. she graduated 5th in our class, and spent this past summer at Princeton for a research project; definitely someone who was going somewhere. I never thought that something like this could happen to one of "us," the people that basically built the foundation for the person that I am today. I know we weren't the closest that friends could be, but my best friends are wrecks right now, and that affects me. it's a direct and indirect effect, not so much one thing with a yield arrow leading to another thing, but more like a huge web of thoughts that are clinging to me. I'm tangled and I'm not sure where this leaves me. I hate that I can't remember the last thing that we said to each other. nevertheless I was perfectly fine knowing that she was off in her world, and I was off in mine, both separately pursuing the things that we love most in the world. it's not fair that her life wasn't complete enough for her to fulfill everything she wanted to do. it's not fair that they found her the way that they did; it's not fair that we don't know and we won't know for a long time. the truth of what happened. everything is so complex. I can't call anyone; I mean, I can call, but I don't know what I could say that would offer any comfort. it'd be different if I were there with our friends, must to hold a hand or sit next to someone who understands. nobody here at UT went to my high school, and I doubt that anyone on campus can come close to saying that something like this happened to somebody he or she knew. I feel alone, I feel helpless, but at the same time I feel like I'm connected to everyone else who knew her because, well, we're all probably feeling alone right now. college is supposed to help us branch out and find ourselves, become good individuals in this world. at the same time, in the time between our high school graduation and now, we've all become isolated from each other. it sucks that it takes something like this for me to finally feel like we belong together and that the time that we spent together was precious. all time in the world is precious now. things that I was worried about before I heard the news, any stress that I felt weighing on me in the past week has disappeared. homework and little things seem trivial to me. in a way things seem simplified now: we either are. or we aren't. just being here doesn't seem right- but is it selfish to be so so glad that I am here? I wonder if I deserve it, or if I can earn my place here. then again, who knows if it's so bad on the other side. I see that I have less than three minutes left to stream my consciousness. what a perfect day for me to tell my feelings to nobody in particular, and for them to disappear into a screen as soon as I press "finish," yet for them to linger in my mind still. any other day I would have felt that this assignment was worthless, but I'll admit it. feeling like a part of myself is being put out there-a huge or small risk, I'm not sure-makes me feel the slightest bit better. maybe

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hehe. . wow you do have a timer on this page, I heard that you didn't, or that you could write for like 10min and then just hit submit and it would work, and I thought to myself wow. . how hard would it be to make a script to auto submit it after 20minutes are up Its really lame tho that you didn't give us some sorta topic to start out on, I mean, I find it easier to conciously recognize my thoughts when they are focused on a general topic. That prolly doenst make alot of sence, but basically I'm a big person into mind over matter stuff, metaphysics, multideminsional self, acension, and usually and am in close contact with my thoughts, but usually when in a trance state or meditation, not while acually creating kenetic energy(moving physcially). I'm listening to my speakers right now. . I love tool's music, its so euphoric and conductive to a meditative state. sorta like how trance music sorta makes you tired after listening to it for 20 min or so. Yeah, now you prolly think something about trance == drugs or something. But no. I don't drink, do drugs, I'm a vegetarian, and like to keep my body in a good state. Wow my computer case is dirty. I need to get a towel or something and clean it off. I wish I had a new motherboard/processor and more ram for it too. Which reminds me I need to build a linux server soon. . I've got the parts just not the time becaues I'm too busy writing programs for my cs classes. Taking 17 hours is ok. wish I had more. . like 1-2 more. it keeps me busy, which I like. I want to do research in metaphysics. Isn't weird a cs/math double major wanting to do research in the area of metaphysics which has no real basis physically? I got a good base in logic tho which really helps. My gf is coming up here this weekend, from dallas. Shes' at NT right now cause shes in tams and I miss her, it'll be fun. oww my hand hurts from typing or something. I like being able to close my eyes and just type it makes it easier to concentrate on my thoughts. I still taste the cheese on my tounge. I had cheese and crackers earlier and it was good. thirsty. . yay tea I like my cell phone, I saw my cell and it made me think that. unlimited night/weekend is awesome. Music: duh duh duh duh end song move to bad religon. . ehh. . I guess it can sit there for now. hmm. . been 11min so far. about half done. I like this tho. well not so much the writing for stream of concouisness but the premiss behind it. analizing thoughts see what people are like and stuff. . its nice. thinking I would do a triple major in pphilosophy if I can get a job to pay for my classes that go over 150 hours. wow there is a big purple mark on my arm where I rest in on the edge of my desk: its not a real desk, more a shelf in my aparment designed to act as a desk. I like my apartment so much better than dorms, room by myself, and cheaper. Got housemates tho. but its still better. I wonder what tristan is doing at college station (old roomate). I've lacked seeing him online. music resist and multiply . . thats incubus. there ok but latest album is the worst they've done. grr I need to do more streching, I've lost my flexiblity, and I need to work out more, just got to make myself move awayt from my phone and just surfing online when nothing better to do. they have a gytm over here in my apartments. wonder where it is. I need to find out. mainly want to work on abs pecs and left trapiezius all but pecs aI can do here in my room with my dumbbell so not that big a rush <moving to music> <singing in head to redhot chili pepper> I like my speaker system. sound card and speakers where bout 50 total which is nice for how they work. . not top of the line but better than anything else I prolly could of got for the same. hmm. . my joints in my fingers like to pop, and my knees sometime. I'm siting weird, or what most people would consider weird. basically enjoying my flexibitliy and light weight so that I can stay in strange positions and be comfortable. I usta sleep in class in weird positions. . I had to fight to stay up in logic this morning. but I made it. . so yay. I watn a 4. 0 this sem so staying up is all good. I shoudl be able to cause I'm working harder than any time before. . hmm. . its ddone now. . bye bye

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Right now, I'm thinking about my physics lab and the fact that I did really poorly on that lab. I need to maintain a good gpa in order for me to get into the business school, and I don't want my lab grade to impede my admission. But even if I do get into the business school, do I really want to do something in that field? I mean I didn't declare a major at first because I didn't want to commit myself too soon to a field of study. i've always been interested in music. i do want to major in that but my parents aren't that fond of the field. so Either I double major, which is impossible in the business school, or I don't do what I really want to do--that is major in music. No matter what I major in, I will have to maitain a very good gpa throughout college since I want to study abroad in england--the country where I've always wanted to live. mainly because of the fact that it is home to my favorite sport of all time--cricket. no one really knows about the sport here. i wish a lot more people did know about it so they could relate to the joy that I feel while watching the sport. i guess to enjoy a particular sport, or anything for that matter, u have to be born in that environment. back in pakistan, everyone loves the sport and it's like a religion. i sure do wish that Pakistan had won the world cup in june. all that hard work went out the window when they played so poorly in the final. anyway, I hope to become a cricketer myself in the future. but that's not a career that is looked upon as being a good one. and the cricket board in pakistan is really a mess. a lot of good players are neglected because they don't have connections with members of the board. i have a cold and I've been sneezing since all day yesterday. god it's so painful to sneeze 24 hours a day. i took a dayquill last night but even dayquills seem to make me drowsy. Now, on top of the sneezing, I have to deal with trying to stay awake in my classes. i'm waiting for my roommate to come so we can go eat. gosh I hate the food in jester. i mean it's the same old stuff everyday. at times like this, I really miss home and my mom's cooking. the weather over here today is pretty good. better than the previous month has been. i want to go play golf but I don't know where any of the golf courses are. i guess I'll ask my roommate's friend who plays golf.

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I'm sitting here typing on the computer and the clock is a little bit distracting, but I think I can handle it. I just connected my printer to the computer with a cable I didn't know I had. there are sirens going off outside I hope this is a safe area to live and hey my dad just walked in the door I wonder if I'm a fast enough typist I really like the picture I have in my room its of some toucans and its got a lot of color in it because I like color my couch in the living room is red and my dog won't stop barking outside. I think I'm going to go get her after I finish this assignment. I just took the long quiz so I'm tired of staring at this computer screen I still have to go find what to wear tomorrow and get a parking permit my phone is ringing hmmm should I answer it or keep typing I guess I'm going to keep typing because it stopped I hope it wasn't very important or someone doesn't think I am intentionally ignoring them my dad should be coming back soon I think he is across the street talking to the neighbors who seem to be very nice I need him to help me hang up some mirrors and finish my fence sometime this week so he can leave that doesn't sound very nice I just noticed the air conditioning is making a really weird sound my dad just walked in with my puppy her name is trinket if he claims not to like dogs I really can't tell by the way he babies her its kind of funny oh you know what happened to me today was I solved a mystery and it was kind of funny the way it happened I was online and I tried iming my best friend and she wouldn't answer back so I was thinking ok maybe she is mad at me so I called her and she said she wasn't online so I thought ok who is trying to steal her identity she wanted me to try and find out who it was so I started asking the person numerous questions awww my little puppy just came and is trying to type on the keyboard I think she just wants attention ok its really hard to type right now she keeps trying to lick my hand ok my dad is calling her to go outside and she won't listen I think she has selective hearing the air conditioner just came on again with that weird noise ouch that really hurt trinket just scratched my arm with her sharp nails I need to take her to petsmart to get her a new collar oh as I was saying about the mystery person online who was posing as my best friend, yeah I kept bugging them until they finally answered back saying please don't try to contact this address again (I think they were getting fed up with all the questions) but I kept asking who is this and it turned out to be her grandma in arkansas! it was so funny cause I was like don't you have your own sn and then it was like Oh hey I know you! and she started talking to me about how I was liking UT and all and people keep signing on my buddy list and I really hope this clock stops soon because my phone is ringing again but I don't think I should stop to answer it I guess I'll call back later its only 8:56 so its not too late I just really don't want to get up in the morning oh I just got this really bad cramp in my side and its hurting really bad I wonder if appendicitis is on your left or right side cause if its on the right oh its stopped maybe it was the way I was laying on the floor its kind of uncomfortable but until I can get my desk and everything set up for my computer I guess I have to keep typing down here on the floor I'm kind of tired right now I still need to go check on my parking pass. I hope these aren't supposed to be written in complete sentences but I don't think they are because its a stream of consciousness paper and it seems like I keep worrying about too much so I'm not going to worry about it anyways the time is almost up I wonder what matt is doing right now I was talking to him last night and all the sudden the phone just cut off because I think it was his phone that ran out of batteries so it just died right there in the middle of the conversation which I really hate that I had to finish my thought this thing is addicting

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Ugh! Look how nasty and scary that thing is. How stupid he was to stay in the car with that object? Well this a very scary movie, and the only I have seen in a log while, its my roomates faults. Oh, she is a traitor, how about that, never thought it would be her. Isn't there better ways to express your feelings, instead of cussing. The monster got her how gross, and what a painful death. It must of hurt, duh, and the guy trying to save should of just left before he became a victim too. Again another ironic thing the teams leader is who never suspected. Her naked body proves it, why is he so crazy to believe her words. Words speak louder than actions. Look how she transformed her body and the other one is one of her. Man, boy I am getting really frightened of this. My body has chills has the end is narrowing. I have an itch behind my ear,on my leg, foot and head I think due to the fact that I am so scared of the movie and the events that are about to happen. My eyes are widening due to the good guys escape. My head itches more. Yeah he made it I'm happy for. There is one for the good guys.

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Im sitting in my room at the towers, and I have to admitt that the room size isnt half bad, ecspecially compared to my older sisters dorm room when she was a freshman. However I do have one complaint, and that is that the room are not taken care of in the least bit. And if I had to approximate the last time this place was renovated, my honest guess would be nineteen ninety-one. Yet I can live with a rather filthy room, but the worst part about living in the Towers has to be the food. The cooks here should go down in the Guiness Book of World Records for being the first people ever to make chicken taste bad. And everytime I go in there i seem to be asking the cook what exactly the food sitting in front of me is. Which through my experience translates into something that is not a good thing. As I look around my room I can't help but notice the fact that my side is far more messy than my roomates, but to be honest this is no concern of mine. Because he eats all of my food. I went pot luck in the towers for my roomates, which means that my rooming assignment is totally random. I havent really decided what my true feelings about my new roomates are due to the fact that we havent really spent time together. This fact is more my fault than it is theirs', because for one thing I am in pledgeship right now so finding time to spend with people is like finding a needle in a haystack. But every once in a while I do get to spend a little time with them, and from those few experiences I can say that Tony, the guy with whom I share a room with, is a very nice person and I believe that we will get along very well. So far the one thing that has kind of tied us together is that fact that we have the same taste in music, which is a major relief to me. My other two roomates who live across the living room from me are both going through pledge ship. And Campbell has been really nice as well, though he seems rather reserved. Yet the one guy that I am not to fond of at this time is my third roomate Joey. Its not that there is hostility between us its just that I try to be as nice as possible to him and try to start conversations with him every time I get yet he just won't seem to respond. Maybe its just a difference in the way we were brought up or something. Because I know when I was in high school this new guy moved in from Chicago and he really kept to himself along with his parents. But the more time I spent with him the more he opened up and now we are really good friends. But the funny thing is that all of the football parents thought that his parents were rud because they didnt really talk a whole lot. And i had to remind my mom that thats how people are in Chicago, and just to give them time because they are really good people.

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31

Sometimes I think of what other people are thinking. I watch the way people stare or the way they look at the ground when they walk. They must be thinking about things that they have to do or even things that they have just finished doing. I don't understand how we can have thoughts that are so evident in your mind, but completely shut out from anyone else's knowledge. I feel strange in the fact that I am putting my thoughts into words. Though I am concentrating on writing, I am also able to let my mind wander while I write. The way I think and the way I process my thoughts has changed since I've been in college. Leaving home so early forced me to grow up, which I desperately needed, and it also made me understand all the things that I have at home. My life in Austin is good, but it is missing all those people that I made such a major part of my life. I wonder if those people will ever be there again. My family, of course, will always be there, but the others might not. My friends and my boyfriend are the ones that I spent ever spare moment with. Now that I am in a completely different city, my spare moments are spent thinking of them. I always travel back in time, in my head, to the days I spent with them. Every weekend, after school, and on vacations are the times I had with them. Maybe they are thinking the same way. I can't help but remember those days that we just did nothing productive. Those were the easiest and funnest times of my life. My mother always told me that college is the funnest time, but I have yet to see what she is talking about. My mother is great. Now I realize all the things she has done for me. She was always there for me, and even now that I am hundreds of miles away, she still there. I was distracted by the distant voices behind me. They seem to be discussing a project. Some kind of stress has been put on this group. I am assuming that they have procrastinated their work and are now hurrying to finish it. Stress is one thing that I cannot deal with. When I stress I start to think a lot. When I think, I get really nostalgic, and eventually get very sad that I no longer can do the things I used to do in the past. Some people beside me are also using the computer. Their minds seem to be captured by their work, and they seem so occupied that they would never even notice that I am writing about them. If I were to turn my head and watch them for a second, they wouldn't notice that either. I can always feel someone looking at me. Even if it was only a slight glance, through the corner of my eyes I can see someone look. Even when I don't see them, the weight of their stare causes my awareness of it. After this writing assignment is finished, I have to drive through Austin's traffic to get home. That is the only thing I can't stand about going home. What should only take five minutes, ends up being a half an hour drive. Things like that frustrate me. The light rail system is supposed to fix that traffic problem. I have a feeling that Austin is going to be just like Houston, and now matter what type of construction is done, the traffic is never going to be fixed. It is difficult to try to find a quick, easy and inexpensive way to ease the congestion in the city. Pretty soon, people are going to be so sick of it that they will move out into the country. After that, the county will start to get overpopulated and the cycle will start again.

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well Im starting this assignment and its hard to write what Im thinking because all I seem to be thinking about is what Im thinking and that is what I have to write also im sorta worried about the poor grammer and lack of sentences which is about to follow this its hard to type a contiuning stream with sentences so o well this is graded on completion so i guess im not getting points taken off for lack of coherency. . i really have no clue what the point of this is because since im writing it all i can think about is what I have said above which is writing this. Im about to drink some of my mountain dew next to me if that counts for anything? im trying to cram all of this junk for my classes in today because I havent gone this week for some reason. I really should have but i dident feel like it, i probly should be more responsible. but o well my pre cal homework is bothering me since i can't figure out if Im doing it right so im probly just going to give up im rather bored right now but tommorow at least I get to judge at the westlake debate tourny and thats always good fro 150 dollers or so sometimes my mind goes blank and it seems like Im having to force myself to contiually type, is that cheating? I really have nothing to write now Im not really thinking of anything i wonder what my girlfriend is doing right now my roomate is playing ncaa 2003 college football right now and its quite loud and sorta distracting me from this but I havent stopped typing yet but I guess it doesnt matter i wonder how long i can make this thing go with just type a non coherent rant about nothing this seems rather pointless to me but o well I don't need a 0 I've got enough of those in pre cal im thinking about dropping hmm what I just notice im typing this like Im typing this to some one, like Im complaining to someone about stuff there I go again another instance where my mind went blank and i had nothing to think about err I just thought about indians now for no real reason i have this banner that makes me money at the bottom of my browser thats not tracking my actions right now because it considers me inactive my buddy list keeps chiming with people coming online i wonder how much time i have left i just thought about the girl i met first day in psych class who told me when she did a stream of concenus it turned out about peeps and some band I can't remeber right now on a beach im about half way done now in time at least this is rather boring to I should probly do my anthro considering i have a quiz tommorrow and I havent even opened the book I don't even know what the cover looks like yet. Im a slaker i need to really get more self motivated to do my work but it all seems pointless to me that i have to be in some restrained system of pointlessness and have to take a bunch of classes that arnt going to to serve me any real purpose i want to be a debate teacher i would like to just focus on that and not have to take classes that don't have anything to do with it what does pre cal do for anyone anyhow nothing my mind keeps popping up with a lot of different random things but im not allowing myself to just start typeing random words Im finding it difficult to do this assignment since I can't just let myself go and type whats going on through my mind but rather i have several streams of thought going and im just choosing the more organized one i guess i could try to just start typng random words like sock monkey and donation tree but i had already thought of that before I typed them so i don't see how I can allow my self this is boring i just just give up coherency and type random things aoll qb get to confortable im worrying about typos im more or less tell you what im doing rather then what im thinking i just i keep deleting things and re wrting them because i hit the wrong letters I guess thats not good either since im obviously can't be contiually typing if im stopping to coreect typos im stopping now who cares if it can't be read its nothing to raead anyhow im just typing random rnams otnwoanm now I m going to rtong not to hit the backspace now but I don't think I can its a habit like locking the door i did it again a lot just now in that senstence i can't seem to stop myself i ve decied to not look at the screen when Im typing now so I can't backspace anymore but I don't know that it matter but hey its something to do I still have roughly 8 mins left I beklieve I don't know hmmm this is boring the keys the keys kthek eyes ching mouthani ntdw tddrinkn see that was horrible Im lookng at the scree n again I want top backspace some more and I probly will I wonder how mloogn aifniabhgoabhglbajklglfyfyilflgfvygflglgugglgklglkglkglkg i have about 5 mins left this is starting to annoy me i've probly done it wrong if thats possible but o well this is as well as I could do it hmmm I don't want to do anything but check out cross-x but I need to study which I probly won't end up doing I;ll probly take my antrho quiz but I probly won't turn in my math homework o well i gues s Im going to fail eck i have never failed so i probly won't but I really need to get with it work out snl hairy somethingawful. com is cool see I don't know how to do this my mind starts thinking random words and I don't know if im supposed to type them or waht it just doesnt mcdonalds shower in other apt across hall this is just incohrent like most odf this rant and annoying so im going to stop I think times almost up Im going to check about 2 mins left most of this piece seems like im struggling with myself because im indecisive about my own stream of consensaih cons err I can't spell but what ever the title my roomate just told me I left my cloths in the dryer I don't think I did so Im going to go check when this timer is done I need it to hurry up because he needs to do his laundry blah b lah blah moo this timer about 30 more seconds then I can finalyl be done and be roughly caught up with psych bah the days came by so fast hmm I think the timer is over now or at least like 5 seconds away 2 -1 do no I won't contiune my time is up.

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18

I just met you. How can this feeling be? It is a happy feeling. Its just awkward. I haven't felt it in awhile, at least since another soul and I grew apart. Things just faded. Two different people, two different lives. But now the emotion lurks once more in my heart. I try to fight it, but I can't. Something tells me to follow my heart, submit, and give in to the strong, enticing feeling that is just starting a war inside me. Thoughts just continuously rumble through my head; they won't stop. There's no control. I can't change how I feel. This is a crazy world. Everything just seems upside down. There is too much to think about in life. Who ever said it would be this complicated? I wish there were just a secret to life and somebody would fill me in. I could just do anything I wanted to do. Pleasure could be my sole guide down every path in this extensive journey. The thought of consequences would never even enter my mind. I could live life day by day, and my only obligation would be to live. I would just enjoy life and breathe it in. Too many people today miss out on the beauty of their surroundings, the people they come in contact with and their environment. If a person merely goes through life only seeking material success, where is the true worth in that life? That person would miss out on everything with true meaning and depth. Therefore, he or she is not really living but merely becoming a trained robot to fit into the machine of our material world. Things are so weird now. It seems that people have lost site of their morals and are only living to climb the corporate ladder. What kind of life is that? Oh well, everybody is different. What is important to me may not be important to others. I went to Mount Bonnel yesterday, and it was breath taking. I watched the sun set and the stars and moon come out. There was a gentle breeze that would pass over my face and lips and blow through my hair. At that moment, all stress seemed to disappear. It was complete tranquility and bliss. It made me want to just sit up on the mountain, take in the view, let my thoughts run free, and just live.

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Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now. Ok. I'm not sure what to write about. I guess. I'm cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sad. OH! And I was supposed to go to this concert in two days but both of my at home fiends canceled on me. One I don't' really like so it doesn't bother me but Chris has a sorority thing. That one kind of upsets me. See, we planned this concert back when we all realized that we were going to different colleges. We decided to plan something so that we wouldn't for forget each other, but I guess it's happening sooner than we thought. We've all been together for a very long time. 6 years I think. I don't care. I guess it's not that big of a deal. I don't really like being at college. I mean. it's fun. And there aren't any rules, but. I really miss everything about my home. And I don't mean like, home as in my house. I've gone back there and it's totally different. It doesn't seem like I belong there. And I guess I don't. That's what this is all about. I don't like this assignment. It's making be sadder than I was to begin with. Is that the point? I really like my psych class. My calculus class on the other hand. sucks! A whole bunch. Not only is it at 9 [which is an hour that I don't do], but the guy I seriously think is making things up! I can type pretty fast. I wonder if this is going to fit in the little box. I don't type that fast, but I mean. it looked like a pretty small box. I bet it can be as big as you need it to be. that would make sense. Yeah. So anyways. I wonder how long it's been. Oh dang it! I forgot to look what time I started. I wonder if I'm allowed to talk to other people while I'm doing this. Ok. I did. You'll never find out. Oops. I am telling you. Hehe. Yeah that's funny. My roommate said that she thinks that I've been doing this for a while. I think that that means 20 minutes. I'm going to stop now.

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Which is funny, because I have no idea what the hell it is I want to say. I guess all I can say for now is that colege is sorta a rude awakening. No one give a shit about your ass anymore. it's all on your own. I love this place though. No kidding. What makes it all funny is, the people are nice, yet in a way, weird. Weird in a sense that they are so superficial and incredibly narrow minded about EVERYTHING. It's like the asians stick amongst themselves, the white boys stick amongst their littl eall american jock group,(of which I detest), and the chicks are well, they're just there. Forget I ever said anything about females here. Some are really on the bizarre side. Some are really great and interesting. Then their's the ones you wonder a whole lot about. This reminds me of high school already. I wonder what writing about anything for a good twenty minutes will do for my psychological condition. Does it make me say,. . alert to my surroundings? Or is all this just a buch of really great BS? Something tells me there is a higher lesson to be learned here,. even if it IS BS. So, It's about 1:07 in the damn morning, and I'm thinking Jeez, I need to finish this quickly so I can finich my economics. Speaking of which, I cannot believe how incredibly and uterrly boring my economics professor is. Six times is how much I fell asleep. she is certainly entertaining with her material, boy. This assignment sorta reminds me of my favorite book, the Catcher in the Rye. I feel like Holden Caulfield, for some freaking reaosn. I guess I just feel apathetic towards everything at the moment. I don't know why. . great, I just figured out how the hell the refrigerator and the microwave can coexist together. This is a bit strange. I sudden;y feel as if I'm just rambling to myself. As if I had nothing better to do than to talk to myself. Then again. It's 1 o'clock. What else can I do at 1 in the morning? Evidently nada. One thing bothers me though. All my friends are constantly talking about what fine chick he sae today and how much he wanted her. That;s perfectly normal and all, but I just don't get it. For one thing, I really hate just "asking out a girl". That is so stereotypical and well, it sucks. Men are so pathetic sometimes when it comes to the opposite sex. I'm only too glad that we run this whole damn world,a not the ladies. Thy would screw up everything, damn near! Great, now I'm being cynical. And I'm still talking to myself. This can't be good. I think I should talk to a therapist about this someday. Better yet, I'm jsut going to talk to the professor. This is nuts. I need a vacation. Preferably somewhere in the Carribean. My brains are etting fried up from too much studyin and what not. So,. . I have two minutes left. Great. Good. I was getting a bit hot. That;s better. I love air conditioning. Anyway,. . whoa, . yet another surprising twist. Where did I hear someone say "she's skinny cause she's thinner, for she eats her breakfast, lunch and dinner, she takes care of her body, for she's a really great winner. Good nutrition rules?" That does it. I'm calling my psychotherapist. I wonder why there isn't a thing called linner of dunch. I mean, there's brunch and all. .

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I have been feeling so different when I arrived here at UT. I just can't believe that I graduated from high school and now here at college. The atmosphere is different here. I feel like I belong here. When I first arrived here at UT,I was scared. I was afraid about how am I going to get from class to class. It's just different here. I'm worried about the exams. There's only 4 exams per class. I'm not used to that. I guess I'm used to spoon feeding from high school. UT is just soooooo huge. I didn't know that UT was this big after orientation. I'm just afraid of my classes. I'm afraid that I'm going to fail. I feel like I'm slacking off. I do my homework and read, but I still feel like I'm failing. I guess I have high standards for myself. I want to score the best that I can get. I'm just afraid that I'm going to drop out of UT. As long as I push myself to stay on top of things then I'll be ok. After the Gone to Texas , I feel like I choose the right college. I definitely felt like fit in. My major is Nursing. I kind of lost in finding a major. When I was a kid, you would dream about what you wanted to be. I always said that I wanted to be a doctor. Now, when I think about my future I don't know what I want to be. I volunteered in a hospital and I notice that the nurses are so nice to they're patients. I want to be one of those. I want to be the one who helps out and put a smile on the patients. I want to work with children. After nursing school, I want to become a nurse practitioner. It's just like a register nurse but higher. A nurse practitioner gets to prescribe medication. That's almost like a doctor. Everybody is like why don't you want to be a doctor? I'm afraid of malpractice suits. I'm just My dream is to work at the Texas Children's Hospital in Houston. It's close to home and I like working with kids. They are so much fun. I just hope that I can make it through school. College life is just so different. I miss my parents and my brother. I went back home during the Labor Day weekend. I miss my mom's home cooking. What's weird is that when I left college, my parents got a little puppy.

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I feel tired. a lot of school work. too many distractions yet no love, the one distraction I want to find. yet sometimes I don't want to find it. sometimes I just like to have fun and not get tied down by a relationship. but most of the time, when not with friends, when not with family, when all alone, I feel like I want to find the right chick. I feel hungry. won't eat though until I finish this writing assignment. started at 9:34. it is now 9:36. I have 18 minutes left. that took a while to think up because I hate math. I am not taking any math in college because I don't need it for predental. but I have a lot of chemistry. again, I have a lot of school work. never really worried about it until now because I procrastinated. the next two nights are going to suck. 9:37. damn. only a minute has gone by. really hungry now so I'll take a bite real quick. but I'm still typing with my right hand. I'm also really annoyed right now. I can't stand my roommate. he's a total loser. I can't wait to move out of here and get my own place next year. there is no way in hell that I'll share a room again for the rest of my life. I hope married life isn't going to be like this. like I said earlier, I really want to find "the one," and I feel like I need to in the next couple of years because that's when most people do, but the whole sharing a room experience has got me wondering. if marriage life is going to be as annoying as this, I'm going to be pretty disappointed. I mean, I never get as annoyed by chicks when I'm in a relationship, so maybe there's hope. roommate just came back. made a lot of noise so I lost my train of thought. it is 9:42. I started at 9:34 so 8 minutes have gone by. I'm amazed at how much I can write when I just write what is on my mind. roommate still in here making even more noise. roommate sighing and shuffling feet hoping to get attention from me because he sees I am doing homework. now he is ruffling potato chip bags and being louder hoping to annoy me even more. I'm still ignoring him, but now he has gone over to his computer and is blaring out music. again, he leaves to the sink and makes more noise over there. I'm still ignoring, but I'm getting more and more pissed off. now he is talking to himself aloud and coughing and typing extra loudly to again draw attention to himself. how childish. now he is tapping loudly. like a little kid trying to get attention. he is really pissing the hell out of me. I swear, there is no way in hell that I will ever room with someone in the same room for the rest of my life. damn, I just got a phone call. I'll have to call him back. man, I haven't talked to him in a while. he wants me join a frat. I wonder if that's what is call is about. okay, 9:47. I got 7 more minutes. well, my mind is pretty blank right now. I'm just thinking about what went on today. I went to lacrosse practice. and I bought some beer. my roommate thinks I'm an alcoholic because he doesn't drink so he doesn't know what an alcoholic is. at least all my real friends don't think I'm one. I miss my best friend hilary. she's at a&m right now. I've always had a crush on her. I remember daydreaming about getting married back in elementary school. she was the first girl I saw when I moved down here to TX. she never knew who I was until high school. then we became best buds. even though we're best friends, I think, actually, I'll be honest, I know that I still have a crush on her. pretty middleschoolish, but who knows, maybe one day, she may be "the one". at least I wish she was. I can't wait to see her again. I never clean my room, but she's coming down in October so I'll be sure to clean it by then. girls are my weakness. I love chicks. thank god there's so many here at UT. its funny that I feel lonely sometime, even though I've met so many girls here that want to hook up with me. its just that the chicks that want to hook up with me are so plain. I dated beauty queens in high school and maybe its immaturity, but I can't date anybody who doesn't fit that beauty queen mold here at UT. although I am wanted by some chicks, I'm still lonely sometime because they're not the chicks I had in mind. I guess I'm too choosey. Plus, I guess I like feeling sorry for myself every now and then. I used to like to cry at night when I'm alone, but now, knowing that I'm wanted, that's a thing of the past. well, time's up.

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10

My nose is really stuffy right now and I had a fever earlier today but I think it's gone now. I hate not being able to breathe. I can hear the television right now. There's a commercial about honey barbecue wings. I can also hear my room mate typing and clicking her mouse. It's really cold in my room. I'm glad I decided to put my sweater on or I would be extremely cold. I can't really smell anything because of my stuffy nose. My stomach is growling. I have a craving for pizza. Maybe I'll go get some as soon as I finish this assignment. My room mate seems to be frustrated right now. I just heard her sigh. She has a test tomorrow that she needs to study for. She is mad because we weren't able to get football tickets for the OU game in Dallas. I kind of wanted to go and was getting excited about going to it. The television just mentioned something about getting pizza. Now my craving for it is increasing. I can taste it now. It's hard to type for 20 minutes straight. The phone just started ringing and distracted my train of thought for a while. My room mate just left the room to go open the door. I can watch the television from where I am sitting in front of my computer. My room mate's brother just walked in. Now all I can think about is what he is saying and I can't arrange my thoughts now. I just gave my room mate's brother my graphing calculator and showed him how to use it. I can't think of what to type any more. I am quickly running out of ideas. Time is passing really slowly. Typing for 20 minutes is really hard. My room mate is still talking about the OU football tickets. She is getting rid of her wristband and now I am thinking how I need to take mine off too. What other homework do I have? I don't feel like going to my calculus class tomorrow. It is the most boring class I have because all we do is work out problems. I should go to the discussion session today, but I would rather go shopping with my friend. I keep sniffing. I still wish I could breathe. I think that not being able to breathe is the most annoying thing in the world. I feel as though I want to chop off my nose just so I don't have to feel congested any longer. Is this feeling normal? Wanting to chop off my nose? Everytime I get congested I feel the exact same way. Now I am starting to think that there is something wrong with me for wanting to chop off my nose. Oh well, I bet it is a perfectly normal feeling when you are sick and frustrated. I wonder what caused me to become congested. I heard that a lot of people have been sick today. Maybe something is going around. I always get sick. I have the worst immune system. My stomach keeps growling, but I am not sure if I want to eat because I feel as though I shouldn't eat because I want to lose weight although all my friends say that I am crazy for feeling this way. They keep telling me that I am perfectly fine the way I am. I still don't believe them because they don't see what I see in the mirror everyday. I've been told that I have a contorted way of looking at myself and that when I look in the mirror I see something different from what everyone else sees. But isn't that true for a lot of people? Don't a lot of people see themselves in the mirror and not like what they see? I think that it is perfectly normal to feel this way. What isn't normal though is acting upon it. Oh well. I can still hear the television and sometimes it distracts my thoughts because I begin to pay more attention to what is on the tv rather than my own thoughts. Now I want goldfish because I just heard the commercial. I can't think of what to type again. I think that this assignment causes us to think too much about what to type and that it puts us on the spot so that we freeze up and are no longer able to type what we think because we keep trying to type interesting things and not simply what is really on our minds. My room mate just laughed. I wonder why she laughed. I can hear the people out in the hallway. These walls are really thin because I can always hear what is going on outside. The refrigerator noise is really annoying. It's so loud. I feel sick still. I just want to go lay in my bed and sleep forever. I never get enough sleep. I always end up staying up really late and then I feel dead in the morning. My foot is falling asleep as well as my hands. I have the worst circulation in the world. Why is it that my feet and hands are constantly falling asleep no matter what position I put them in. I think it has to do with the fact that I don't get the proper nutrients. My hands are starting to get tired now. I can't wait until I am finished typing. I have about 2 minutes left and actually it wasn't really that hard to type for 20 minutes consecutively. I wonder how long everyone else's writing assingments are. I bet some of them will be longer than mine because a lot of people can type faster than I can. Oh well so much for that because it's too late now to start typing faster. I could try but then it would just seem pointless. My contacts are getting dry and it's getting hard to see the screen. I hate sitting at my desk and now my arms are starting to hurt because they are in a weird position. I am almost finished now and almost time to stop. The window just appeared saying that I am finished now and I can stop typing.

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Well after Labor Day weekend I had come to the conclusion that I disliked the college life. Everything had gone so wrong that weekend. The book store sent me home with the wrong book, I didn't have my "IF" account so I couldn't check my email, and I bought a twenty dollar calling card that is supposed to be better than the one I had been buying and it was a rip off. The tendollar card had more minutes on it than than the twentydollar card, and to top that off the darn thing only had sixteen dollars on it. So my weekend was just a bunch of carp. I am not exactly home sick, but I do miss my baby brother and my fiancé. I went home this past weekend, missed the first football game here, and saw the two people I missed most. It was so cool to be home everybody was so happy to see me, it was great. I am planning on joining a sorority here to keep me busy so I won't get home sick. I haven't really met anyone here yet. The girls on my floor aren't very friendly. When I first got here I was bored out of my mind, but now things are looking better. I am not real in to Sixth Street, but the first week I was here some friends that live here took me there. I got my tattoo on Sixth Street when we were here for orientation. I keep saying we, my best friend and I that is. My best friend is my roommate and she is trying to get me to enjoy it here and not miss home too much. I have to say I do like the fact that my parents can't tell me what to do, and when to be home and all the other things that parents tell their kids to do. I was ready to get away and be on my own. My fiancé is at home going to school there. Hopefully he will come up here next year. We are supposed to get married this summer, but I guess we will have to see what happens. It is so weird to see everyone outside smoking in the middle of the night, and to see people going out at three in the morning. At home we have a curfew, and they are real strict about it too. Other than all that stuff, I am adjusting pretty well to the college life and am learning to love it. Things can only get better, right. I know I made it sound like I just hate it here, but I don't. The weekend at home was enough to hold me off for awhile. That one bad weekend made me think that it was always going to be like that. Next time I will be writing about how much I love it here, and I won' t have anything to complain about.

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25

I don't know how other people (freshmen) are coping with this new transition from high school to college; I feel stress out. Hmm. maybe I'm not so completely at ease like I had claimed earlier. I suppose that I am at ease at this moment is because I don't have any class to go to for hours, and that I think I am at ease right now, is because this is the second week of classes. However, I'm still stress, very much so. (I feel like I'm rambling on and on here. ) I am so very much relief that I have done the pretesting to get one credit hour of the research experiments. I like to try to do things ahead of time so that I won't be in any jams later on. Besides, what with the way my schedule is set, I have to budget my time wisely. Moreover, I am worried that I won't be able to get high grades as I did when I was in high school. Everything in college is so very different and challenging. Sometimes, I feel as if I can't keep up with other people. I admire those people who seems to have everything in control and makes everything so easy to them. I just can't do that. I'm the type that has to put in "extra work" so that I can keep up with them. I'm not saying that I'm stupid, gosh no! I believe that everyone is unique in their own little ways. Hmmm. there is one thing, rather, one small minor fear that I just can't seem to overcome: fear of animals, especially dogs. Well, I took the pretest and in there, it had asked me questions about animal phobia. I really want to know what these fears mean, which brings me to another thought. I always have questions, such questions that are so detailed some people called it "stupid questions. " I always find myself having questions about everything. I guess I'm just a curious person. Hmmmm. I guess this is enough typing for this assignment. I can't think of anything else to write about. Who ever is doing the reading on this writing assignment, I'm sorry it isn't anything that is as exciting as you'll like it to be.

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I keep coughing so much in class I think I probably annoy the crap out o everybody there. I should stop smoking so much. It feels good to be back in school, seeing friends again, but I miss my mom. She is wittiog all the way in Ethiopia and I'm over here. IT sucks. But there is always Christmas time, so it is not that bad. I have no idea what that holiday is going to be like. This guy just bumped in to me an did not even apologize. I hate it when people do that. He just walks by like It's okay to knock people into a damn computer screen. Jerk. I don't understand how I am going to keep writing for twenty minutes. The way I type it will probably be the worst thing anyone has ever read. I tend to type fast and then screw up a lot along the way. There is a guy near me talking a bout the Swiss air crash and Jerry McGuire. I hate baseball so I couldn't care less. There goes my cough again. I got to get home soon, I got a date. This is really a nice girl and I hope it works out, but I will probably spend the hold time coughing anyway. The guy is now talking about wire services. What in the world are wire services. I am getting kind of thirsty and I should get a drink of water, but I do not know where the water fountains in this library are. I hate asking people about it, I guess I feel stupid. I wonder what the guys who read this stuff do. Do they analyze it of just laugh at the kind of things people come up with. I would probably laugh a lot. If this was me reading it I would be cracking up. Then a gain I am kind of a jerk. What I don't understated about the internet is how people think its so much phone. I like e mail and research its great. But this whole surfing the web for hours like its some sort of athletic event seems kinds stupid. I thinks I sound like some commercial I saw. Its amazing how TV effects you like that. You watch some stupid ditcom and then start using the vocab all over the palace. IT hate the people who keep going yadda yadda because of Seinfeld. But then again I pick up enough catch [phrases anyway. I just looked at the watch, another ten minutes of writing. This is really weird. This is the first psych class I have taken and so far I enjoyed it. This is a different kind of activity. I have difficulty understanding how this helps us learn anything, but then again I am cynical by nature. The prof was talking about the brain today and it was really technical I thought the class would not be like that. Not that I mind or I did not understand it, it was just a surprise. Somebody once told that psych classes are some of the most fun, I hope he is right. I don't see much of him anymore, he got married and has kids. So his life really changes. He's like my brother, wee used to hang out and drink beer all the time and go to games and stuff like that. Now he only wants to take his baby to the Children's museum and do family things. I love the kid, but I miss the old him who would drive off to new Orleans on a whim because he wanted a sandwich form a particular cafe. It's funny who people change. I' feel I have changed in college. I would not say I grew up, I just found out things about myself that I would not have ordinarily known like what it's like to be away form all the comforts of home and how I would handle it. Or to be away form Africa and in America again. I kind of glorified it but it did not turn out that way. I hope that December comes so, I am looking forward to all my friends and my parent, an my dog . I want to get a dog hear but the apt does not allow it so I guess I am stuck. My place is too small anyway. I have not really seen that many apt in Austin that allow pets. but I am sure there a lot. Hey that girl is really cute.

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7

I'm sitting here thinking that it's rather nice that the Ethernet in my dorm is finally up, although I feel bad that my roommate is still having problems with her computer. She has an IBM Aptiva and it seems that the wireless Ethernet card just doesn't agree with her system. I staring at my philosophy book in front of me, and I think that drug legalization is an interesting subject. I've never considered drug legalization before. I always thought that drugs were bad and that was the final end to the case. However, all these philosophers (who aren't all that old and ancient) think that legalizing drugs might be a good idea. Not that they want to promote drug use and make it easy to obtain for everyone, but legalized in a restricted fashion like cigarettes and alcohol. I also need to write some letters to my friends and stuff back home after this assignment since I haven't talked to them in such a long time. I can't decide which sort of stationary to use since I collect stationary and stickers, so there is a wide variety to choose from. I miss them greatly since I don't have as many friends in Austin as I do back in Houston. I haven't been here long enough. There are my roommates, though. As a matter of fact, I'm curious about whom my roommate is calling right now since he seems like a close friend. She's talking about food since she didn't get any before she came back, and that makes my stomach respond slightly. I only had 3 slices of pizza for dinner, and that apparently isn't enough since my stomach rumbled when my roommate mentioned food. She also asked me if a friend of ours was 21 or not, but I don't know. He's a nice guy since he helped me with my phone jack. I couldn't plug in my phone since the jack had been painted over to the point where the wires can't even register each other. I think I'm running out of things to say since I can't imagine what else might be of interest to occupy my mind. I've nothing to look forward to this evening except reading assignments from all of my classes. I realize that reading is essential to the learning process, but all these long chapters are tedious. There isn't too much of great interest in reading these heavy textbooks. I wish we had textbooks like they do in Japan. Their textbooks are really small and light so they don't get backaches and have to lug around huge backpacks. Perhaps people in America will slowly grow shorter since the weight of backpacks stunts the growth of young people in this country while Japanese children grow taller with the freedom of light backpacks. It would also be nice if international music from Japan and other countries would be more accessible here. It's hard to find Japanese popular music in Texas. You have to either order them off the Internet, or look for the small stores that specialize in importing these types of CDs. It is rather expensive, too, but it is kind of ironic that Japanese CDs also cost about $30 in American dollars in Japan. CDs are cheapest in Taiwan since they only cost about $5$10american dollars there. It would be nice if I could visit Taiwan often, but I don't have the time and plane tickets cost more money than I have to spend on leisure travel in a year. I think that is a pity since I would like to see my uncle and my grandmother more often. And the fruits in Taiwan are of a much greater variety and sweetness. The same type of fruit here is much smaller in size and a great deal more expensive. They don't taste the same either. I think my dad misses Taiwan the most, although he has made many friends in Houston. I miss having Chinese food every night, too. It feels weird not using chopsticks for two weeks in a row. I have to remember to bring some the next time I went back to Houston. I really miss my dad's cooking. He cooks really well. And he knows where all the good Chinese restaurants are. It's hard for me to order food myself since I don't know the names of the dishes. The names I do know are in Chinese, so sometimes I pronounce them wrong and the waitress gives me this funny look. I think the food I like best at this particular time is Vietnamese noodles, dim sum, and this chicken steak with rice. I think I can get Vietnamese noodles here, but dim sum is something best eaten in a big city because it's a specialty that only some cooks can get right. I am not sure about the last one since I am unfamiliar with the Chinese restaurants around campus. It is something I may do during the weekend, exploring the nearby food places to see what is good to eat around here. I really talk about food a lot when I'm hungry, it seems. There isn't much in my room's refrigerator since I haven't gotten anything as of late, and it would be rude to eat everything that my roommates bought. I shall have to go to the store in the morning or after school to obtain some snacks for when I am hungry like I am now. The cafeteria here closes at 7 PM so I can't do anything about being hungry at the moment. I have a screen mate program that creates little lambs to wander around my computer screen. There are five of them wandering around right now, and one of them just sneezed. I think it is funny since I just sneezed recently. These lambs are very adorable, and they don't take up much computer space. They sleep and jump around, basically entertaining me while I'm doing my homework or just when I'm surfing around the Internet. I love being connected to the Internet at all times since all of my classes post important information on the web, and because I like to do personal research of my own into the subjects and hobbies I cultivate. It is also good for multiplayer games, but there seems to be a firewall in my dorm network that prevents me from hosting such games. It aggravates me greatly, but at least I can participate with a steady connection unlike when I used to use AOL.

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20

I don't know if I should go home or not this weekend. I want to stay, but. I hope my computer doesn't freeze while I'm writing this, that would totally suck I'm glad I'm getting this out of the way, normally I would wait till the last possible second, but I don't trust computers since I've been here. I really want to like it here but I just don't. All my friends that went to oter schools are having a great time, they're meeting new people doing new things, but evryone I meet bores me, it seems as though everyone is the same. I don't even feel like going out and having fun. The only reason I want to is so mabe I'd come to like UT better. I see so many people I know, its kinda weird, when theres about fifty thousand people here. I'm a business major but the only class that is relavant to busins is my freshman BA class which meets only once a week. I'm afraid I'm not goingto find the parties here that much fun. From what I've heard its just people getting drunk and thats not that much fun. I worry that all the expectations I've had about college are misconceptions. I love this keyboard. I like typing, but I can't use regular desktops, because I can't sit still. I sund like a dumbass when I repeat myself. Alex told me the funniest joke but I can't remember it although when he told me I tried to memorize it. I hate it here when I think about hte people at home. I have no one here. I'm so bored. My classes are boring for the mostpart, and I'm finally getting the hang of schedules and shit. I want to call my cousin, who is my role model and ask if she liked her first month in colllege. She always putwss me in a good mood. Justin says there ids nothing wrong with my comp but why the hell does it keep freezing? I think twenty minutes are almost up nope I still have bout ten to go. My tth classes are so long. I start gettig restless- that music next door is so loud and I am so tired I want to take a nap. I had to wake upa a t

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26

oh my gosh, my body hrts so bad. every time i move its like my muscles are tearing, crying out for me to stop. man, im hungry too. can't wait for kaye to get done with her class so we can go eat. i don't know how much good that is cause i don't like the food in the cafeteria anyway. oh well. the sun is so bright today- wlking around campus was really hot, but when there was a breeze, it was definitely nice. i saw some really cute squirrels out by the water fountain, and i wish i could have stopped to watch them, but i had to get to class on time. man, try outs are so hard. i don't kow if i can keep up with teveryone else for the next few weeks. it will be hard. especially now, until we get to start rowing. then i know i can show people up and do my best. classes are getting harder. there is always reading, reading, reading. it nevere ends. some of it i love while some of it drags so much when i try to read it. math is surprisingly understandable, so i feel confidnet that i will do well in that class. oh, im nervous about tryouts. i bet kate won't continue with them, she seemed to not be doing as well last night with the body circuits. i will push her a lot today at practice. mabey that will motivate her to keep working hard. so hungry! only 1 hor until i can eat. i miss emma, more than everyone else in my family. she is always so funny, and cute. i know she is doing well in her school but i want to be there to see her and talk to her about it. can't wait to go home and see everyone. my parents seem so happy about me rowing. this reminds them of crosscountry. i miss anne and hallie too. everything beautiful is far away. the yellow flowers stephanie gave me are beautiful. i love them so much. my room feels more homey now, and yellow brightens it up a lot. i don't know what to do about simon. he frustrates me a lot, wether i show it or not. guess ill just try not to think bout it for awhile, and see what happens. no use in thinkng about it, it only makes me upset. matisse's art work is so beautiful. . i can't wait til we talk about him in art history. the figures he cuts out catch my attention so much. why did ross call last night so late. woke me up, couldnt go back to sleep. ended up oversleeping for 8 am class. but test went ok, glad i studies yesterday and did not wait until this morning to tackle the job. would have regretted that a lot, and done poorly on the test. i want to find some new music to listen to. something that is not mellow, omething with energy. ohhhh. im so sore it hurts to type. my family looks so happy in this picture. awwww. everyone is smiling so genuinely, its not one of those posed pics where everyone is forcinf a smile, ot just smiling for the sake of the camera. only one more class left today. and then its the weekend. will be nice to relax. have to get through running tonight, but i don't mind that, kind of looking forward o it. get to see the boats for the first time too. i hope kates mom is doing ok, i havent seen her in so long. i should tell my mom to go visit her, they gt along well. i like it when our renst hang out together, esp our dads. joey is so funny. i didnt realize how great of a person i had right under my nose for so long until he left. i hope he comes home from germany and doesnt like it too much out there, even though that is selfish to think. we all miss him too much- his upbeat personality and sincerity towards life. hope he comes home for christmas, or sometime soon. this weekend is goign to be busy, i should make a to do list so i can get all my homework done. the week days are so busy its hard to get everything done by the dead lines. i hope my mom sends me a letter from emma soon. she said she made me someting last tie i talked to her on the phone. my dorm is annoying me again, they want everyone to be so involved with everyone else, going to movies together, and eating dinner together all the time. i don't like it at all. i think i can only really push myself to be social and meet new people for the imes that i am out on campus. and when i come home to my dorm, i want to be by myself, not cnstantly hanging out with other people. i feel bad to an extent, because i know the ras put a lot of time into organizing that kind of stuff. but that is just not sometihg i am interested. 5 hours until practice time again. ohhhh. but then i have the whole weekend to relax.

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I'm writing this assignment feeling kind of strange because I attempted it yesterdays on my st and my computer froze right when the timer said 19:59. very ironic. I feel very tired right now and really unmotivated. I have a lot to do and I don't feel like doing anything. I wish I could just go to sleep. I need a lot of attention from people these days and I'm just not getting it. matt took my car to san antonio to go to court and he apparently forgot to tell me about it. seems very convinient of him but whatever. he is acting weird, and different but he doesn't know or doesn't see what he's doing. it seems pointless for me to even get angry or bothered by it and I'm slowly beginning to not care. but that will be his loss because he will realize that he should be paying a little more attention to school, sleep, and me then to the things that he is focusing on. maybe I'm just overreacting though, because I seem to do that so well. I don't feel like being here, my head hurts, and I smell burnt popcorn in the hall way. I have a long day tomorrow and my last class is over at 5. I don't know what the day will have in store for me, hopefully I will be able to focus on my studies and not worry about all this other stuff that's bothering me. I need to realize that I can make myself happy and I don't need someone else to make me happy. I don't even know why I'm rambling on about this, its just always in my head I suppose. I hope I get a new car. my dad said I can maybe get something now from the money well get from the insurance. but who knows what kind of car he's going to get me. It will probably be something crappy like I have now. but I can't complain, something is definatly better than nothing, at least in this case. my economics book came in today. finally, becasue I was starting to stress that I was going to get too far behind. I really need to sit down with my books and my notes and try to really comprehend everything. even though I do try but I need more. I need to focus on doing that for all of my classes. but economics and chemistry are the main ones that I might have difficulty in. just because they are very mathy subjects. I might stay at the appartment tonight but I probably won't because I have such an early class tomorrow. well see what happens I suppose. I think matts court started already and he didn't even call me to let me know that he got to town safely. oh well, like I said I'm slowly starting not to care about all of these little things. that might be bad though because it might lead me to not care at all, about anything. it feels bad to feel like you're on the back burner, or that things have changed, though one person might like the change its not good unless both people involved agree with or like the change. I'm so tired right now I could easily go to bed and not wake up until tomorrow. but I can't do that because I have entirely too much work to do. tonight I want to get caught up with my psychology eradings, and I want to study my chemistry and continue to work on hw assignment number two. my roommate just went to heb to get nick a birthday cake. I hope all of that works out ok. if matts still not back ill probably stop by the study lounge to tell him happy birthday but I'm really not into all that socializing that everyone does. I'm usually either really wrapped up with my work or with matt. I don't know how good that is but it makes me happy and that is what counts to me. I just hope it counts to him. oh well. I met with my mentor group earlier. they're all really nice people and I hope I get to know them a lot better as the year progresses. its a pretty fun experience. this weekend should be fun. I'm going to meet up with my friend laura in san Marcos and go see some people that I haven't seen in a long time. I hope I can scrounge up something to wear, because I need to do laundry and I need to go shopping, I have like no clothes anymore, I don't know what happened. my sister is complaining to me about me having her shirts so ill have to give her back her clothes if I see her this weekend. I hinestly don't feel like going home though. it gets too awkward for me. I don't know what but I don't really like it. I'd rather just stay here and study or like watch TV then go home and feel awkward with my family. I have so much to do and I'm starting to stess out and the semester has only begun. I can already see that college is going to be very hectic. I hope I can handle it alright. wow the time is up.

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2

Entering a big campus with so many different people, how interesting. This will be kind of a new experience, meeting other students just as smart or even smarter. I can bring ideas to this school and to others as well as the school and students to me. Hopefully, I do well, or excel beyond my potential where I can feel proud and to just prove my abilities to myself. Things now are a little different, where I live, what I eat, who I meet. But it seems that everybody has to deal with the same things or hurdles in that everybody are fighting, scratching, or just competing to be the best or is everybody just content to making to college? Due to their being content, the race for those competing will be easier for them, but are we in a rat race to achieve greatness? There are also other things in life other thatn to prove that one person is somehow better academically because of a test made by some professor and to the subjects covered by what the professor says, there's to find leisure time when not having to study. School can be easily sluffed off, but students are paying for classes in which makes a person certified to do a job in which that person studied. Money don't grow on trees; people gots to earn it, to feel good about oneself. But it's also the little things that can a person feel good like just getting together with friends and talking, to eat something that's very tasteful, to just observe how folks interact with certain situations and how watching or observing these things can help me without me having to go through, but somethimes some things have to experienced by oneself to fully understand. Things aren't what they always seem just by loooking. College has too much to offer, where everything arent' feasible to understand, and just let things be.

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12

In about 30 minutes I have to start getting ready for work. I don't want to go, but I need to make money so I can go out. My mom called me yesterday and said that my bank account was getting low and she wanted to know what I was spending it on. I was supposed to use the money for a stereo, but it's amazing how fast five hundred dollars can go in Austin. I love Austin so far. Tonight I'm going to a Corry Morrow concert. I should probably stay home and study, but I would like to meet more people in Austin too, so I'll probably still go. My mom also griped at me about how I need to study more. I just spent seven dollars today on washing clothes. This makes me mad because I can think of much better things to do with my money besides wash clothes. Four loads of clothes costs seven dollars. How ridiculous. I'm going home on Saturday because one of my friends is turning nineteen and they are having a party for him. I just went back home like two weeks ago, but I don't want to miss his birthday. I can't wait to see everyone from back home. My roommate is cooking her some Roman noodles and I can't decide if I want to eat some or not. I don't think so. I really wanted to lay out by the pool today, because I really need to get a tan, but I spent the whole day cleaning house and washing clothes. What fun! I haven't gotten any of my checks in from work yet and it's making me wonder because I have been working there for a while now and only one check so far has come in. I guess they don't realize I'm a college student and I need money as soon as possible. I really want to get a tattoo and that is probably the main reason I want my checks to start coming in. If my mom knew that I wanted a tattoo she would kill me. Oh well, I'll keep it a secret for a while, and then by the time she finds out it will have already been a long time since I got it. My roommate wants one too, but she's already talked to her mom about it. I really need to go to an audio store because my system in my car stopped working and I can't stand not having bass when I listen to music. It better get done soon. I really need to read this book for a freshmen seminar class I have. The book is pretty boring, but it's easy reading so I guess I'll survive. I'm really dreading going to work in a minute. I wish I could just skip to tonight and go out already. That just sounds so much more appealing! I have to go to the bathroom, but I guess I'm not supposed to because I have to sit here and keep typing my thoughts. My roommate has the T. V. on and it's kind of hard for me to keep my train of thought, but I guess that is the whole point to just write down everything that is going through your head. The drive home on Saturday is going to be so long, but it will be worth it I guess because it is going to be so much fun. It feels so nice to have a clean house. I just cleaned my room for the first time in about a week and it was getting pretty bad. My roommates boyfriend is sleeping right now and I have the music pretty loud. I should probably turn it down. We went out last night. We went to someone's apartment and it wasn't that fun. Oh yeah! I forgot the cops came. Good thing they weren't coming for us thought because that would have sucked if the party would have been broken up. I didn't even swim with everyone else because I didn't bring my bathing suit. I hope I remember to bring it next time because it looked really fun to sit in the hot tub. I'm fixing to pee in my pants. I wish this timer would hurry up and run out. I just took that pretest for the experimental requirement too and that had to be the longest testing thing I have ever taken. I didn't think it was ever going to end. I guess the hour and a half of credit they give you for doing it is well worth it. I'm getting pretty nervous about all the tests that are coming up. It seems like they are all during the same week. That is going to kill me I just know it. The more I think about those tests the more I think I should probably stay home tonight. Naa! I'll just go out. I find myself saying that more and more when I really need to stay home and study. I have to do good this semester though so I can keep my scholarships. I can't remember what GPA I have to have to keep them.

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8

I have a feeling this is going to be a long 20 minutes. I don't even know where to start, and I don't think I really care. oh well. USC plays Florida St. tonight. I hope USC crushes them. I wish I was in California right now. Sunny skies and 70 degrees. My roommate is an idiot. I don't think he thinks before he speaks. He is the clumsiest person I have ever met. what else should I say? I still feel sick from last night. Too much Beast!! I've got to get replenished for tonight. Lots of good football and beer. Hopefully some bitches will be here. I smell food in the kitchen. I'm hungry as fuck. All I’ve eaten this morning is Fruity Pebbles. I love Fruity Pebbles. I need more milk from the store. The Cowboys play tomorrow night at 7:00. Dallas is the greatest city in the world. Nobody does it better!! I can't wait to get home in a month or so. I need to go to the bathroom, but I guess I can hold it in for another 10 minutes. This is a waste of time. I wonder what you people can find out from this stuff. Random thoughts are weird. My eyes hurt. I need to go to the bathroom. It sounds like Tennessee is beating UCLA. I hate UCLA. USC is the shit!! I need to call my old roommate from USC. I need to eat. This is boring. I wonder how much time I have left. It looks like 10 minutes more. My roommate is obnoxious. He never stops talking and usually says nothing of importance. I think he has some serious problems. Maybe not. The girl next door is hot. I hope she comes over tonight to watch the UT game. She's got a great body. I'm still hungry. I need to get a job. My funds are running a little low. I waste too much money. I hope I win the lottery tonight. I hate this assignment. I guess it's pretty easy though. I better get an A in this class. I hate BA101. It is a pointless class. I need to do my assignment in there. I miss my homies in Dallas. I love kickin' it with them. You can't beat good friends and good beer. I wonder why I like to drink. It makes me feel good at the time, but I feel like shit every morning. I don't even remember when I started to drink in high school. Malt liquor is nasty, but when you're on a budget it hits the spot. Magnum. When I turn 21 I'm going to go nutty. Las Vegas here I come. only 3 more months. I better not fuck up when I turn 21. I need to keep getting good grades. Only 2 more years of this crap. I can't say that I've learned anything significant in college. All it's taught me is that you have to have one to get a job, but from there it is all on your shoulders. I like my summer job. Real world experience is better than book learning. I'm pretty sure they will hire me on after I graduate. I love computers. I guess that's why I'm an MIS major. They have so much power it is unbelievable. I need to eat. When I'm done maybe I’ll order a pizza. My roommate is so loud. I'm gonna yell at his lazy ass. All he does while I'm at school is sleep and watch TV. Rough life. I need to take out the trash. I need to get some beer for tonight. Maybe something ritzy. I need to get a job. I wish all assignments were this easy. Too many classes and not enough time. I need to find a girlfriend. The girl next door has potential. It's Party Time by Tracey Lee is on the radio. It's the jam. I love rap music. The beats are great and that's why I love it. He is the clumsiest person in the world. If my window is broken I will kick his ass. What a fool. It's Party time, whoa yeah it's party time, we havin a party. Time's up.

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15

Today was a tough day for me. I can't believed I failed to talk to Asweenee. No girl has ever had that much power on me. Its probably the sun kicking in. I can't wait to go to the football game on Saturday. UT is definitely going to beat Rutgers b/c Rutgers lost last week to a weak team by more than 20 points. Calculus class is going to be boring tomorrow because the professor is going to continue his lecture on limits. I hope we get no homework or else I will be very busy Wed. night. That phone next door is driving me crazy! Why does Kyle have the ringer on so high? I need to buy the Bush CD soon. The songs on that CD will pump me up and let me overcome my fear of talking to Asweenee. I hope she remembers me from the concert and knows that I am not some weird freak. Neal seems to enjoy studying Chemistry for no reason because he does the extra problems even though they are not due at all. I guess he feels insecure about his ability in Chemistry. I hope the Giants win next week at Jacksonville. It should be a good game but knowing my luck they won't even televise that game. Who cares about the Cowboys? Tonight I want to email Steve and tell him my difficult conquest for a girlfriend. Maybe things will clear up the next few days and I will finally have the courage to do what I am so good at: socializing. I have never froze up like this in a long time. Maybe I am thinking too much about screwing up. I know I am better than that. Baseball season is almost near the homestretch. I hope the Yankees can catch up to the Orioles and go back to the World Series. My parents are probably trying to call right now and are wondering why the phone line is busy. I wondering how Linh is adjusting at Rice? I hope she is not getting too depressed about not seeing Paul because I am not there to help her get through this hard time. I am glad I was there for her this summer because she needed a good friend who could understand her. I really miss her a lot but at the same time I know she will be fine. I sound like her parents. I wonder how Craig's drive to Minnesota is? His dad is probably giving him a lecture after what happened to him this summer. This room needs more AC. AC. The idiot next door is blaring his music. Spice girls suck! If he is going to listen to music at least show some taste. I think I am starting to feel the effects of the Hunan chicken. That stuffed dog looks like Snoopy. Neal must be attached to this toy.

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10

The reason being is because I am in good health, I do not have problems studying in my classes, and I have now set a routine where I can exercise, study and have fun at the same time. I do have long days on my classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, but when I get through them I recover on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Last year I was not as fortunate with my schedule and my health. I had problems that required I go to a doctor and have x-rays done as well as other tests. Many of the friends of my family also passed away during that year and I was also trying to get myself used to the transition from highschool to college while taking some pretty difficult courses. Overall, I was having a tough time adjusting. I had to miss several classes in order to go in and check what my health problems were. I sometimes even had problems walking at U. T. because of the pains I would feel and did not always fully concentrate on what I needed to. I also seemed to have more distractions my freshmen year and did not always study like I should have. I still made pretty decent grades but I feel I could have done better. Compared to then, life is good. My emotions are better intact, I do not get as nervous as I used to be, and I do not get embarrassed easily to answer questions in class like I used to. I also seem to tolerate more in terms of the differences in people. I still want people to know that I consider God to be important even though they may not. Some people used to tell me that I would change as soon as I entered college and would become like everybody else. I haven't and I want people to understand that even though I may be alone in a lot of issues, I will stand alone and not follow what I don't believe to be true. Sometimes I do not appreciate the fact that some professors don't really care about those in the class who regard God as important and ridicule every person who may believe in that way. I feel sometimes that as a student respects a professor in some of their opinions, then a professor should also respect the student likewise. I do, however, express my feelings to the professor if I feel they are not correctly handling the situation. I do hope the professor does not feel it is an attack on my part and I try to get my points across as diplomatically as I can. With most that I have talked to, I get a pretty good response and we are able to work things out. I do have strong feelings but I hope I do not have to express them in a way that nobody wants to hear. I'm willing to work things out, and I hope that the other individual involved would be the same.

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Stream of Consciousness Well here I am. I wonder why the professor asked us to do this? I had to do this once before. I can't remember what class it was for. I think it was for English class. I liked my English teacher. I think her name is Mrs. Siskovic. She was a good teacher. She sounded when she read to us. I'm glad I took that dual credit English class, now I don't have to take English in college. That is one less thing to worry about. I wonder if I turned off the oven? Oh yeah, I did. I can't believe I left the refrigerator open all night. I'm just glad my milk didn't spoil. I just bought it. At least I don't think it spoiled, it tasted pretty good in my cereal this morning. I need to buy more cereal. That new cereal is pretty good. I think those fish sticks upset my stomach. I think next time I'll buy fish fillets. I like fish and fishing. I wonder if there is any place to fish around here. I think lake Wytnie is close but I'm not sure. Then again it be far. I don't know what to get my girlfriend for her birthday. I think I'll get her a card, some flowers, and take her out to dinner. I really miss her. I hope she goes to St. Edwards next year so she will be closer and I can see her more often. I can't believe I have to go to ACC next semester to take college Algebra. I must have skipped a question and didn't skip it on the answer sheet. I've already taken calculus in high school and I made an A. I can't believe I scored so low on the SAT 2 math part. I wonder if there is any more Kool-Aid left? I think there is grape, get some when I'm done. I'm real thirsty but he said not to stop once you've started. My hand is cramping. I think this callous on my finger is getting bigger. I hope I can figure out how to get my computer to work on the internet. I guess I'll just ask somebody. I hate to ask people things, especially directions. I think I'm done.

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9

Well, since my friend just told me how she neglected to get us these free random glow in the dark condoms, I've got sex on the brain, not that I've even had sex before. It's just one of those things that jumps in my head two or three times a day. I think it's because it's one of those unknown things I haven't experienced yet. I really wish I was back at home sitting on my bed, with my dog at my feet, waiting for my brother to come in and keep me up talking about my poor relationship problems which I still to this day haven't figured out. I miss him, my boyfriend/ friend/ player/ love or whatever. All I know is that I had fun with him no matter what was going on in my life. He could and still can always make me laugh. I miss that. I just plain miss him. And I'm not saying that I never once thought of having sex with him but it was never a real issue. He made me smile and never upset me. Well, that's not completely true. sometimse he upset me but it wasn't his fault. Unfortunately, I loved him a lot more than he loved me even though he really and truly loved me a lot. sometimes I wonder if he is gay. I know that sounds odd but maybe . no forget it. I'n so exhausted and all I want to do is go to sleep in my own bed under a real homy roof. I know it sounds funny becaouse they're probably all asleep but I wonder what they're doing- mY family and John and my other long lost friends who off at some far away college. poor Jonathan is out at sea. I hope it's not raining on him. THe food here is good but I don't like having some one tell me when I have to eat and when I can't. There is no refrigerator with Blue Bell stuffed in the back. And most of all, there is no Arlington Dance Academy. Oh, guys I wish I was there to teach my little kids and have them run up and hug my leg. I wish I had my senior class back cause I have so many great ideas from new pop songs I've heard here in Austin. Why can't I just skip the whole college thing. I know ican do it and I have the abiltiy and the committment to finish, Ijust don't think I need to . I want to run a dance studio . I need to be going to conventions and new York and watching my previous dance instructor run the agenda and show me the accounting not learning about some stupid coorporations that I'll never want a job from or need an interview from. I just want to do what I've been doing best for the last 15 years and that is choreograph real dance in my own studio with my own ideas and expectations. It's my dream and its getting away from me. school seems second now and I really don't care. I've put it first most of the rest of my life. I did my 18 years now I want my career, my dream. I still want to dance myself but that is possible except not here in Austin where most of the studios are for elementary and the directors are real snots. people should want you to dance with them especially if you have a good attitude. but my bed is calling to me and I still have some very important e-mails to take care of. it's so nice to know that some people care enough at least to type.

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16

The day has flown by, work computer science homework, but it was a nice day, I was wearing black which was dumb because the sun was shining and it was really hot. U know about how black seems to attract the most colors or that the most colors get absorbed so it actually makes everything hotter. Plus I was wearing jeans which made it worse, I would have actually preferred to wear shorts but going to work on the first day wouldn't have been smartest with dressing so casually know what I mean? but anyways back to the point. I met some interesting people today. I talked to Kevin for a while actually only a couple of sentences I had to go soon. but I wanted to go to the TA to see if he can help me with my cs homework turned out he wasn't there. don't know where he went. but I don't care tho. actually I did, u know how things seem to be worse when nothing seems to be going ur way? well it's almost quiet right now, I think the crickets are chirping which is horrible because its really annoying. typically I'm not a violent person. but it's something about crickets. I have no idea. I don't know what it is. Sarah is asking what it is and she was checking to see if it was the AC I hope that the crickets aren't in the room, it's like frogs croaking at nite before u go to sleep or the heater going on. but it's hard to concentrate with all that noise. but I think I can manage. anyways what was I talking about? oh yeah my cs homework, I came back from work and just asked Eric for some help since he has a computer I went at around one thirty becuase I came back at around one from work grabbed my computer and talked to kevin and then went down to Blanton to see Marty play the piano, I just asked him to come with me to Painter. good! finally the chirping has stopped some guy is banging on the AC poor crickets. but it's finally stopped cool!! anyways I went to the dorm room in jester which was a fifteen minute walk. fifteen minutes sometimes is a long way but not when ur determined. fifteen minutes is to gregory gym, which is good but sometimes when I'm walking to RLM it seems like it'll take forever and I'm just five minutes away, why does it seem to be so far? I needed to take a break sometimes. which is totally weird. oh well. hmm. there's a coke can around me and it's been there for a couple of nites actually only around three days or around two. martin got it for me the day before and I just decided to leave it in the fridge. I should probably just recycle it. the recycling bin isn't that far away. only like a two second walk actually around one minute. more or less. give or take a few it's near the trashcan and stuff it's kept in the washing room. it has a washing machine and a dryer and also it has like a sign-up sheet so that people can get to it easier instead of waiting u just take a time period of around three hours u know? anyways it's an iron board in there and a broom and mop. which reminds me that the room is getting dirty. looking at the computer it looks really cool. it's miniature, I almost didn't want to get it because sony is discontinuing it and u know I thought there was something with it. I don't know. u know that most people don't want stuff that's going out. but this is a silver and metallic purple color. I was at work for an hour just sorting out papers of different colors there was buff, metallic orange, canary yellow and all these various colors which is strange because there are the brites and the normal colors which are paler. but I'm already done. so guess this is the end.

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9

In the past I have always had a set of instructions to follow. On well, here goes. I guess that right now I was back, at the beginning of summer, sitting in my room in El Paso, Texas. This summer was really good. I got to go home and talk with my friends. In addition, I was able to do work and get my history requirement fulfilled. Everyone wants me to go out and get a job. That's okay with me, but I don't really know how to go about getting a good job. You see, I feel that with almost 60 hrs of credit, I should be able to get a decent job. One guy I know is making over 50,000, and he isn't even out of college. I guess it's just easier for some people and not for others. I promised everyone that I would get an internship with a company next summer. That's kind of cool, but it is going to be a completely new experience. I guess I could call up some of my friends who have parents in business and ask them to see if I could get a job with them, but that just wouldn't be good. I want to be able to say, "here is what I did, and I did it all by myself. " I know that it's natural to want to get out from under your parent's wing, but it just seems to me that it takes forever. I have been blessed, though. I have done well in school, and fortunately I have a comfortable place to live, food to eat, and clothes to wear. Sometimes it bothers me that I am more preoccupied with which movie I am going to go see this weekend than with more substantive subjects. There are people in this earth who can't even find enough to eat. wow, this is really getting deep. I don't want this to become a "dear Abby" kind of assignment, so I guess the best thing to do is to change the subject. I am mildly interested in why this assignment was assigned. I have a certain hesitation when I deal with psychologists and people who are interested in psychology because I always feel like everything I do or say is being evaluated, and that bothers me. Well, I can hear my neighbors (they just turned up their stereo system. )Back to the subject at hand. I am not nearly so stressed this semester like I was last year. I guess that's pretty cool because I am adjusting to the whole college thing pretty well. At least now I know what is going on with this school, this city, and everything else in my life. I by no means have everything figured out, but at least I am not as clueless as I was last year. It is interesting to look around and see the freshman, with the look of panic in their eyes and realize that I was in the exact same predicament a year ago. Since the brother of a friend of mine just moved to Austin and started attending graduate school in engineering, I feel a certain obligation to help him. It is awful to be in the exact same situation without anyone to help. Anyway, the guy is really cool, and I think that a really good friendship will develop. Friendship is something that there is never enough of. Money can't buy good friends, and even though people will try to replace friends with artificial benefits, it just never works. I used to know a man who had loads of money. This guy was really wealthy, but he was never happy. However, if you ever asked him how he was doing, he would never admit that he was unhappy. I guess that is really sad. To be miserable is one thing, but to be miserable and not really know it is something completely different. I think that it is possible to elevate your situation if you are miserable, but I also believe that it constitutes knowing that you are miserable. Rrahhh, my neighbors just turned down their stereo system. Thank God for the little things! I don't really understand why people are always claiming they are depressed. I've been through periods when I feel down, but all I ever do is call my friends, turn on the television to a program I like, go work out, or a host of other things to elevate that situation. I don't believe that 10% of Americans need to be on Prozac, or some other drug which makes you feel better. Oh, well. I guess the only thing that I can do is change my own destiny. Even though it scares me, it is kind of cool. I see so many people who are in a rut, and it makes me feel like their lives are hopeless. I know that changing is hard. I don't really like to change. However, it always seems that when I do, it is for the better. Of course, there are those times when you change, and it proves to be a change for the worse. That only goes to reinforce your opinion that changing is wrong and you shouldn't do it. I believe that a person should experience all the things life has to offer at least once. That way they can say that they've done it. In addition, they'll know what it is. You know, I always feel awkward when I am in a conversation that turns stale. (I. e. the kind of conversation where no one really knows what to say. ) That really is bad. It seems like I have been in too many of those type of situations. I don't really know what the future has in store for me, but I am both excited and apprehensive. It is easy to look back on my past and think that those days were the glory days when everything was easy. Unfortunately, those days proved to be no different than today. Is that the way it always is? Your memory improves memories as time goes on? If so, I can understand how the past was so alluring and appealing to many people. I know a couple people who only want to reminisce about how good the past was and how awful the present is. That's pretty sad. I think that they need to start living today for what it is worth. That's what I try to do. I guess my 20 minutes are up. This was kind of an interesting experiment, but I am not entirely sure what the results are. I don't really know myself, and I don't know if it is possible to know yourself. There are so many different facets and sides to me that it would drive a person crazy to try to document them. I can't even do it.

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I want money. I like money. What is the easiest way to get it? Winning the lottery is too hard. Maybe I can get a wish to come true. A wish. Where do wishes come from? I hear you get a wish if you catch a leprechaun, but what is a leprechaun, little guys, red hair, beards? Where would one find a leprechaun? If I found one, how could I catch it? It must be fast, or everyone would catch them and get wishes. They must live in scotland, or ireland because of the red hair and accent- I wonder if they drink. A drunk leprechaun. Funny, The life of the party. Granting wishes for everyone. What wish do I want? What else? Money, happiness power? Power is good. Maybe I could have enough power to order someone elses death, or prevent it. I could rule the world, like everyone wants to deep down inside. or maybe I don't. I just want to sit back in the country somewhereand be by myself, maybe witha family. Two kids. Maybe some livestock to get money with. invest it live off interest. That sounds good. I could stopgoing to school, go home, and sleep for a while. sleep. sleep is good. I like sleeping. But the time goes faster when I sleep. Do I want to go faster? no? yes? maybe? definitely maybe. I don't want to miss anything, but I want to skip ahead to a more relaxing part of my life. I'm too lazy to have to work for a living. I don't know how I'm going to get through it. All of this studying. hasnt gotten me anywhere yet. But I only just started. preparing for my future. The future is a fantastic place. It can be whatever we make it, but that will be a bad place, if I know what I'm talking about. People die. kill eachother. Why? to what end? Everyone dies. What difference does it make when? I would prefer to die later in my life, though. I guess I want to wait and see what comes of me, in the end. In the next millenium. Nostradamus says the world will end. soon. I want to see if it happens. That would be something to tell the grandkids about. the end of the world. Not everything would die. that can't happen. life goes on. Not as it is known, but in some form. A science teacher of mine once said that fire ants would inherit the earth. As long as its well after I'm dead, I don't care who has it. The world will fend for itself, unless we destroy it before we destroy eachother. Its a race to see who wins, but no one will. a race to the edge of a cliff. Media tells us its not coming, they make a road for us to race on, and fun buildings along the sides, they tell us there's no cliff, that were running towards an open pasture full of wildflowers and pretty white bunnies. But I know the cliff is there. Thats something else I want to se before I die, or as I die. Will the world survive? will man kill the earth first, or will man kill man first? One way, nothing survives. the other way, the earth survives, and possibly a few men, to carry on the race. I know who I'm rooting for. I want man to get to that cliff and go right off. Unless it can slow down, or run a different direction, but for now, the cliff. But that should be after I'm gone. I don't have to worry about anything. If only I could catch that damn leprechaun.

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5

I am so overwhelmed that I don't even know what to do anymore. If it isn't one subject then it is another. I finally think that I am ahead in at least once subject and then I look at the syllabus and it says that I am, in actuality, 3 chapters behind. I really don't understand how this all happens. I thought that when I came to college it would be different. I thought that I would get to have a fresh start at things. I thought I would be able to make myself study and get ahead; however, my predictions are proving to be wrong. I am getting further and further behind with every passing day. I have psychology chapters to read, interpersonal communications chapters to read, contemporary moral problems readings, psychology writing assignments, MIS homework and readings. Even if I had all my time to study I still wouldn't be able to get it all done. But that isn't even the issue. Not only do I have all of these things to do, but there are also people asking me every five seconds to go out and enjoy Austin. I don't have time to enjoy Austin. I don't have time to go out, go to sorority meeting, read, write, and keep my sanity all in one day. There just is not enough time. I try and try to manage my time, but it just is not working. I think my only solution is to lock myself in my room and not come out until all of my work for the rest of the semester is done. That is my only solution to my ongoing problem.

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9

I guess I'm just supposed to write what I'm thinking right now. I love listening to music. I guess it releases some kind of hormone or something that can just totally change my mood. If I'm sad about something, which would most likely have to do with my boyfriend or my parents, I can listen to a song and it will totally relax me and make me feel so much better. It should a kind of therapy I think that they have already made that up musical therapy. One of my friends from high school that is going to University of North Texas is majoring in that I think. I really miss Michael. He's my best friend and my boyfriend all in one. I can't wait to talk to him today I've already done all of my homework for today and I don't have any more classes today. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are my hard days. I had a rhetoric class that I was taking but I'm not anymore because the professor gave a really sour first impression she didn't seem happy at all to be teaching. I think that that's sad when someone doesn't like their job. I want to be happy when I'm older I want to be a child psychiatrist. But as of right now, the psych department isn't accepting any more psych majors so I'm going to have to wait on that one. I want to continue to medical school, but I don't know where I want to apply for that. I have a couple of years to think about it though more than a couple. Oh My favorite song is on one of those songs that you just want to turn up really loud. Okay I have ten more minutes. Okay, my shoes are too small! Have you ever had a pair of tennis shoes that are too small? It really is painful I hope my feet aren't still growing because they are already a size 8 and a half and a 9 would make me look like I have clown feet. If you have size 9 feet I'm sure you don't look like you have clown feet so don't take it the wrong way. I'm just talking about me. I hate the people who walk around college like they are cooler than everyone else you know they probably thought that they were so cool in high school. Maybe the star quarterback or the head cheerleader. But who even cares about that stuff now. Not me! But that's okay. I took an AP Psych course last year in high school and I loved it. It's what got me interested in Psychology in the first place. I was going to be a photojournalist. But after taking the psych class I decided that I really enjoyed that a lot more than photography. Photography is great as a hobby though, but not to make a living. I also was watching a show on TLC on a family vacation to Canada (dad's idea) and it was an ER show and I really thought that was interesting. I can be easily inspired. Okay my time is up.

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21

Ok, 2:10, What to say. Letters on keyboard. Can't type fast enough, mind too fast. Hot. painting. no more complete senteences, no more checking spelling. cute girl. pennebaker funny. very preety girl leaving lab. should have handwritten before typing. Roommate is size of elephant. better not make fun. probably can't help it. renee beautiful. Christi funny. smiling. this doesn't make any sense does it. must do good and not waste parents money. Mom Dad so good to me. love them but can't say it. hot. disk girl left disk. haircut. need haircut. blank, blank blank. blah blah blah,. uriefhsfkjdm Can't put thoughts into words very difficult. bing bang boom. Levi , tom jessie neel. Matt luck cause he has amanda. amanda pretty, alluring. sexy. sex must be good with her. blank again. not really, but can't type thoughts. 2:20 naomi sexy. hellena gone she s pretty peennebaker fucking riot. funny wish calss was smaller. peter ok missed si yesterday. bad. so what maybe I should have gone. arnie. goofy, nice car hes cool. arrhhgggggg james who. itch. 12345reqw abec de e fghijklmnopqurstuvwzxyz. ,. ,. ,. ,. ,. ,id hwat am I doing. apple, need own computer win computer money job. need job 15 mins weeeeee natalie sick like natalie,. massage natalie boyfriend mad. david kill me. caps lock. nice legs. sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex ha hah a ha ha ha haut ut dorm rom sttinks. disk. experiment. llab rat me nike swosh. oh o 20 min. bye move on.

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I feel so blessed to be here right now. the game tonight was so fun. I can't believe that we won 65-0. that's such an incredible win. poor north Texas guys. They must feel pretty embarrassed. I feel so content here and settled even though I've only been here a couple of weeks. I think that I am really getting comfortable with all of my classes and the people around me and am really getting to feel like this is my home. I miss judd so much. the time we get to spend together is never enough. its funny to me how I haven't missed my parents at all but I think about and miss judd all the time. I just love the way he makes me feel, so warm and so complete. I'm so glad that I have friends here like oshley and that I totally lucked out with allyson as my roommate. I'm so relieved that me and my friend ben worked out the awkwardness between us so that we're still good friends. I was so surprised when I saw him on the jumbotron tonight. I feel so proud of him. I can't stop thinking about how lucky I feel to be here. I just love it here and can't wait till judd gets here. I think I want to convince all my friends still in high school to go to school here. Its just so amazing. the people and the opportunities and the culture make this place so amazing. living in new braunfels was such a bubble. this feels more like the real world. I know that people say college is still a bubble and I think they're right, but its more of a realistic world than life in new braunfels. I miss high school, but just the idea of knowing everybody and where everything was and the comfort of it being my hometown. at the game last night, I felt a little sad that I wasn't down there on the track cheering. now that judd and I were together, part of me wishes I could go back and have that ultimately typical high school relationship - the varsity football player and the varsity cheerleader. it would've been so much fun to have that sort of experience! I'm just a little jealous of those girls down there on the track because I feel like they aren't taking advantage of what an incredible opportunity they've got down there. those were the best times of my life thus far. I know that better are sure to come in my years here at Texas, but I just wish that I could go back, just for one Friday night, and cheer under the lights and yell for the boys and be right down there with judd. it makes me so sad that I probably won't ever get to perform like that again. my dancing and cheering days are over and I just want them back. its not that I miss the actual belonging to the cheerleading program, I just miss being in the spotlight and performing for the fans. I thrive off of that and now I feel a little empty since I don't get to do it anymore, and I especially feel it when I see the new girls down there on the track. I feel kind of dumb reminiscing so much on high school memories now that I'm in college because all I ever talked about in high school was how I couldn't wait to get away from the drama and just come to college to be just a normal student. granted I definitely don't miss the drama of high school, I do miss the girls and the games of high school cheerleading. the more I keep thinking about this the more sad I feel. I think the biggest problem is how much I miss judd. we spent so much time together this summer and I just miss him not always being there to hold whenever and wherever I needed him. I can't believe I fell in love with him. he's just an amazing guy. the one thing that scares me about him that makes me feel nervous is his uncertainty about his Christianity. its so hard for me to explain my faith to him because it was just engrained in me and I was too young to question it and now its just a part of who I am and I'm so thankful for that. but judd didn't grow up going to church or with any faith instilled in him so now its hard for him to understand or trust anything that he can't prove really is there. I think its a matter of pride. The idea of giving himself to someone else that he doesn't really know is there doesn't settle well with him. or maybe its a trust issue. Or maybe both. its just hard because I can't really understand how he can NOT have belief, and he doesn't understand how I CAN. oh man I have a lot of homework this weekend. I really have to finish it all tomorrow so I can go home and see judd. I can't wait to see him tomorrow. I wish he could be up here experiencing all this with me. I can't wait for him to come to school up here and be with me! that will totally complete me here. I don't know if I'm complete without him. I've never felt dependent on someone like that before. well I think my time is almost up. in conclusion, I feel so amazed that I'm actually here. I miss my friends who aren't here, and I especially miss judd. I want to work hard here and prove myself to everyone and make really good grades and fully experience everything ut has to offer.

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Today is September 11, 2002. Exactly one year since the attack on the twin towers, the attack on our country occured. Today is a day of sorrow, of mourning, but also a day of pride. As I watched the news today and say story after story of all the people who were killed and of the people who risked their lives to save others I was deeply touched. Atfirst I was sad as I thought about all those who were killed and their families that they left behind. But know, as I have watched as our country has come together, I am extremely proud. I remember at this time last year, American pride was so awesome all across the country. People had their flags out and people just helped each other. People began to think more in terms of our country rather than my country. Today the same thing is happening and many people are uniting to show their pride in their nation, and to remember those that were lost and those that fought for them and lost their lives in the process. I can remember exactly where I was when the second plane crashed. I was in my creative writing class and a girl, Emily Momburger, walked in late talking about how a plane had crashed into one of the twin towers. My teacher turned on the TV and we all watched in awe as it was burning there and people were dyeing. And then out of nowhere the second plane crashed right before our very eyes. We were in shock and I remember I got the chills. I think that I will forever that moment and that feeling inside of me. I remember watching the news as people cried through the streets holding pictures of their loved ones, looking desperately for them all over, just hoping that they weren't in the crash. Today, is a day of remembering though and also a day of forgetting, trying to go on with our daily lives and overcome the terrorism that has overtaken our country. College life besides the horrific event that we are remembering is going well. I joined TriDelt and am in the greek system. At first I didn't really want to be a tridelt and was disappointed, but now I am really happy. Our pledge class is so amazing and a lot of the girls in it are really cool. We participated in this field day event last saturday and it was really fun. I got to know a lot of the girls better and we bonded. We also went on our pledge retreat that night as well which was a good experience. We were all really exausted but we tried to socialize and get to know each other. Last night I went to this praise and worship thing called Escape. It was at this guys house and there were so many people there. Usually there aren't that many people who go, but last night so many came that we had to go in the backyard. It was awesome even our in the heat. It was so reassuring to see that there are other Christians on this campus and I felt very close to the lord there in that backyard with complete strangers and the dog barking in the background. It is so easy to lose focus here on theis campus, and last night was so helpful for me to really remember what is really important in this life. I sometimes feel myself getting lost in school and in sorority and greek life, that I'm like I just don't have enough time for my quit times. The fact of the matter is, He should be my number one prioroty, and l;ately he hasn't been. I am working on it though, and we just have to do the best we can. But, I am really excited to be here more and more each and every day. I am meeting so many new people and having so much fun with the old friends that I came here with. We just do th

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I tried three times to get this web site and it kept bringing up that the server was down. I am the mother of a 10 month old and when he goes to bed, that is the time I need to get busy and do my work. I often stay up until 2 or 3 am trying to get everything done that I need to get done. I have the King and I on the TV, I am looking very much forward to going to the Bass concert/ performing arts center to see it. I bought three tickets. My husband and I are going and taking my grandmother for her 75th birthday. it should be a real treat. the house is quiet except the TV (on low) and the dishwasher. I love the sound of the dishwasher. It is a night time sound for me because when I was growing up my mother would turn it on after the news on her way to bed. It is a comforting sound. It was a normal bedtime noise then, now 20 years ago, and now in my own home I enjoy the sound. I would miss it if we were to get one of those new expensive machines that didn't have the same rolling and tumbling sounds. I love water, the ocean, it kind of reminds me of that, but in thinking about it also probably sounds like being in utero. This musical is so beautiful, I just love the musicals of the past, a time long gone except you can visit through videos, theatre in your mind. Its sort of and escape from daily hectic real life schedules. Speaking of hectic every day schedules, my car is in the shop. It was there today since 9am and at 445pm I hadn't received a call about it yet. I don't think they are very considerate, I had to call, and if I hadn't would they have closed up and gone home without saying a ***** word to me! probably. In order for me to be in class at noon tomorrow, I need to have Nicholas at the daycare by 11am . and I have to have a way to get the car. Freddie works night at the post office and he needs to go to bed when he gets home, not fool around waiting to take me down to the Honda service dept. being without your car is a big pain in the butt. It is the air-conditioning , door locks, and electric window. of course, it is the drivers window that is messed up, and when you unlock the door with the key, it sometimes does and sometimes doesn't lock and unlock the real drivers door. and usually it is when I have my arms full of stuff, the baby, and when I am in a hurry. As soon as I am finished, here in a matter of minutes, I can go read the mountain of books I had to get this semester. Man, this assignment is making me sweat. When I complain about things I often feel bad, because I know there are people who have it worse than I do. We watched TITANIC . broken up in three evenings, it was good, but it made me cry. what a way to die. or lose your family or loved ones. Life is the sweet with the tart. I guess. I am curious what will be achieved from your collection of these stream of consciousness writings. I have more than satisfied the 20 minute requirement now, I would like to print this as a receipt, but guess what? my ink cartridge is out, and it was for the survey too, so I hope I can pull it up again and print it when I get out to buy one, I tried at target last week, but of course, they were out !!! the story of my life.

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My love for computers and hate for computers is simultaneously growing as I sit here and write this assignment. I don't understand any software but everything for IBM, and the Macintosh is completely foreign to me. I must have already asked at least 30 questions regarding the system, but hey I am new to this whole Apple thing. Apple should just get rid of itself entirely and sell itself to Microsoft and the computer world will be a lot happier. Every time I type the word a lot, I am reminded of my English teacher in 10th grade, or maybe it was 9th who dispelled the myth that a lot was one word. I'll begin to type it as one, but then realize that I should have written it as two. I think it is really strange how some teachers you remember their words, but cannot remember their names or faces. I see a lot of people around campus just like that although I remember their faces and words, for the life of me I cannot remember their names, and I would fell absolutely terrified if they were to come up to me and use the overly cliched phrase, Azi, do you remember me?? More than likely I would not, or I would be to involved in my own thoughts to try to recall who the individual standing before me was. I do that a lot. People will have said that they may have called my name 3 or 4 times before I responded by just looking up. My thoughts consume me sometimes. I have a problem with daydreaming. I know that it is not necessarily a bad thing, but nonetheless it can get in the way of a lot of really important things. It is a good thing that in this particular assignment, daydreaming is the foundation for all my thoughts, and will assist me in coming up with ideas to write. I was talking about my thoughts, and how I daydream. Well, lately all I can think about is the perfect scenario for me to meet the man I am to marry. It seems foreign, and should probably not clutter the mind of a Freshmen in college, but it has been particularly bothered me. I have only really been involved in one serious relationship, if it can even be called that, and that in itself was a summer fling. I went to a summer church retreat, and I think this is where everything started to form, regarding marriage, because I met guys for the first time that I could honestly see myself marrying. This has never happened before, and as I glance around the campus, I just don't see them there, and it frustrates me knowing that they are somewhere else, and I am here longing for there company. It is not like I need there company, no yes it is that was a lie. I miss them a whole lot because I have never, ever been able to relate to a guy like the guys that I met at this church retreat in California. I think I forgot to mention that most of them are dispersed throughout Cali, and I have very little chances of seeing them ever again, unless I actively seek a job to where I can live, go to school, and everything in the wonderful Golden State of California. All of there pictures, guys and girls from the retreat are plastered on the wall above my desk, and I miss them terribly. I have to go back some day, I haven't enjoyed myself, and have been so completely relaxed as I had in California. I know it has nothing really to do with the beaches, although it plays a little bit of why I would like to go there, and the earthquakes certainly are not the reason I would want to maintain a lifestyle there, it's the people of my religious community. it's a bond, a connection that going to a Baptist church, or a Jewish synagogue embodies. That spirit is completely alive in the people in my religion, just like any religion. It would be ideal if I could just go to school there, get a chance to meet a bunch of people. Get my education, get my education, get my education, finish my education, and I stress this because that is a big part of my life, but I am continually fascinated by marriage, commitment, meeting the man of my dreams, meeting the man of my dreams. It's nothing particularly fancy, or romantic, I am not asking for the Ken and Barbie playhouse world with the plastic pink convertible, I just want to get married, start a family, and live my life with all the values, challenges, and commitments it has to offer. I just don't think that I can have that right now, and that is why I spend so much of my time thinking about the endless possibilities of everything having to do with relationships and evaluating my life with and without everything, and just dreaming, night and day about how wonderful and how absolutely dreadful it would be to be married. The challenges are endless in the pursuit of life. And if I may I would like to end with a statement that Linda Ellerbee made after every news statement, perhaps my favorite statement ---and so it goes.

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so I don't really know what to type about. I hope this does not have to be like grammatically correct or anything because I don't ever use capital letters. twenty minutes is a really long time. I don't know if I can even type that lone. I don't know if I ever have in my entire life without stopping or taking a break. is weird to write down what I'm thinking because I think I try to think about what to write so I'm not completely sure this is really what I'm thinking. I hope no one reads this too carefully. so its always been really cold in my room but now its kind of hot. I think this could be a good way to vent some of my feelings. I keep thinking about kurt and I wonder if I should call him back or not. everyone keeps saying to never call him back because he only called me because rachel is in dallas but I don't even think for sure that he called because he wants to get back together maybe he just wanted to explain since he never did. I think my foot is falling asleep. I almost wish I had a desktop computer so that this keyboard was not so small. my hand keeps hitting the mouse while I type and it waves around in front of what I'm writing and that makes it hard to concentrate. anyways, I don't want kurt to think that I have been sitting around hoping that he would call or anything because at first a pop up just came up on my screen. I didn't think they would bother me that much but its starting to get on my nerves esp. ok so this other thing just popped up and it said to hold down enter for ten seconds to see some cool thing and I didn't want to because with all my pop ups I figured it would just lead to porn or something of the likes so I tried to push the little x in the corner and it wouldn't close and then it went to some screen with stars or something and said enjoy your break now get back to work. at first I thought it was for this maybe it was but then I got back to this screen and my time was starting all over. that sucks. I hope this is over soon. anyways I'm still thinking about kurt. no one can assume that he called me back because he wants to get back together. he could just want to talk. he did say the first time that he just called to see how I have been. and I'm still mad at him for what he did but I do want to forgive him because I just don't want something like that hanging over me forever and I hate to hold grudges. and I do want us to be friends and I know it would be hard for me to say I didn't want him back but even if that is what he wanted I wouldn't do it no matter how hard because of what he did to me. plus I'm in college and I don't need to have a boyfriend back home. I need to meet people. but I really do miss him a lot. I hope it gets easier. which is part of why I will call him because I really need to close that part of my life and end it and I can't think of the word but something like finalize it. I hope my battery does not die on my laptop and I hope that another popup does not come and mess up my time again because I really need to get this done. I have a lot to do today. but I'm glad I got done what I did this morning. I need to find out about the whole football ticket draw thing. and I hope I wrote down in my planner about that trig review class. then I have all those small chores that I have to do tonight but I don't think ill have time especially since this is taking so long. I have never experienced a longer twenty minutes than this in my life. at least I should be improving my typing skills. I hope it rains this weekend or even today. no maybe tomorrow because ill be outside today. I can't wait until it get cooler outside so I can walk places. yeah right like I really will but maybe I really will. I have taken the stairs up to my room a few times. I think I may fall asleep after this or maybe even right now. I need to move my leg this hurts. wow I'm really really sleepy o I also need to remember to call joey back tonight before I call back kurt. I feel so bad I hope he is not mad at me for ditching them but I needed to go out with christi because we hadn't really done anything together. and I'm glad I did because that was a lot of fun. but I do hope he is not mad or anything and we can get together later. I wonder if I should join the texas exes. I don't know if this is really what I'm thinking because I know in the back of my head all I'm really thinking about is how much I hate typing all this and how I can't wait until its over but at least I'm doing it today instead of tomorrow night so ill have it done and don't have to worry about it. I'm going to try and not procrastinate. bad start though I'm only on chapter one in psychology those chapters are so long and boring I hate that book. I hope this does not deduct points. I wonder if I should stop now since that pop up messed up my timer. oh well I only have about four minutes left anyways so I might as well keep going. o I need to go tanning tonight too. ahhhh I have so much to do tonight and most of it involves reading that damn psychology book o and I have to read that philosophy book. I really like my schedule how it is though that is nice that I don't have any real classes today so I can get caught up. yay I'm almost finished good because I'm really sleepy now and I want to take a nap even though there is no way that I really have time for that but maybe I will anyways just like a few minutes to rest my eyes yeah right ill fall asleep and probably won't wake up until like nine or ten I spell out numbers because I don't know what keys to use yay I'm finished

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I could talk about all the controversial issues that have swept the nation - Clinton's sex scandal, the terrorist bombings, or any other factor that is found on the news. I could also write about everything that is wrong with society, however these things almost seem too common in today's everyday conversations. What used to seem controversial is now somewhat the fad. People are running around with bad attitudes because they are the "rebellious" ones. It is truly not they that are rebellious. They are simply conforming to what is seen by the physical eye as rebellious. True rebellion is seen in writing. In the early years of the United States, people were hung and persecuted for their written work. I think that those moments should go down as some of the sadder times in our history. I think it was Hawthorne who was greatly criticized for his Scarlet Letter. He wrote about a woman who was punished for adultery, but was she really punished? She had to wear an outward symbol of her sin, but I think that Hawthorn only included that to keep from being persecuted by authorities. The story was truly about the liberation Hester Prin found in her life. I don't think that is exactly what I was aiming at, but I am sure someone would understand. I like to think of myself as pretty well learned, however when I compare myself to others of greater intelligence I find myself utterly an idiot. While on the subject of intelligence I would like to take a minute to bash standardized tests. I do decently on them, however they in no way judge the full potential or caliber of any student. I feel as though there is something of importance that I could say, however seeing as I am the utter idiot, I find a rare occasion that I have anything interesting to say. I guess I would like to be a scientist in the sense of knowing knowledge for the sake of knowledge. I would like to soak up a lot of life while I have the chance but sometimes life gets in the way. I mean, sometimes I am trying so hard to enjoy life I forget that I am living it. There will never be another today. This is the only August 30, 1998 that I will ever experience. I would like to end it saying it was a day of my life well spent.

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I wonder if my parents are coming to visit me this weekend because I need a lot of things. In fact I need a lot of things. I hope this creating stuff really works. O yeah, that math 408c class seems really intimidating. I wonder if I can really get through because I was struggling through the review session today. Well, at least tomorrow is friday. thank god. I need a major break. it is funny because I really and honestly want to achieve so much yet I feel so far behind from where I think I need to be. I'm just falling falling far behind. I must get back into shape and into the jist of things. I seriously need a massage. My legs are killing me. I must have walked ten thousand miles today. only 4 months left to go. great. that pennebaker professor seemed pretty cool. I don't think I want to drop that class because it is so hard to get into but it also seems like it will be interesting. I have never taken a psychology course. ba101 can wait. I wonder how all my friends are doing back home. do they miss me? probably not. I have been here for a week almost. I have met some new people but not as many as I should have. too bad. well, we still have a long time. I think I should join some clubs but I don't know where. hmmmm. this song sucks. I can't wait until friday. I miss everyone I knew. it sounds strange but I really miss them. I need to work out some more. I feel so tired. but I am really surprised I am not homesick. though I do miss the food. I can live like this. it seems pretty fun even though I don't have a car. I think my dad and my brother went bowling. I feel so sleepy. I miss playing the piano and the guitar. I came here to escape a lot of things but it seems that the distance has brought me closer to what I wanted to get away from. lucky for me there are a lot of distractions because sometimes I find myself thinking about somebody more than I should. I don't deserve this. why does this sound so depressing? let's t hink happy thoughts. that girl van that I met today seemed pretty cool. really very outgoing and even waited for me after class. that's pretty cool. I am glad I have dan as a roommate. his sense of humor is always there. I feel like playing basketball but I need to catch up with schoolwork already. the sad things is that it is the second day only. I can't believe I have the same 2 classes with tyson, some guy I met at camp. what are the chances of that? and Lira my second cousin was in my economics class. so is angela johnson from my old high school. but the professor. well nevermind. so many memories. time to make some new ones. should I call my parents tonight. yea I t hink I will. dang I still have to do that calculus homework. I hope it is not that long. I need to do a lot of reading too. for mis 310 so I can get caught up. well the good thing is that my day is over at lunch time. yay!!! but dan is going back to houston and leaving me all alone. so many th ings to do so little time. but I love the ut experience. I really do. hookem horns.

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it is 7:30 right now and I have to write for 20 minutes. my roommate is going to come in here and read this and make fun of me. she said she would be home at 7;30 I bet it will be a lot later. damn, I'm really bad at typing, iwish I did't have to look at the keyboard while I did this. I wonder who will be reading this thing. I would really like to read someone elses. I hope after this I can get back on that pretesting thing because it sure as hell wasn't working for me earlier. what if I can never get back on it. I'll probably fail this class. man, I just got a call from someone at atm. I could see it on the caller id. shit, that means I'm going to have to calle them back and pay for the long distance. I couldn't answer it and let it skrew up my thinking process. ireally wonder who is going to read this. I wonder how much more time I have. I don't want to look at the clock that will make it seem worse. I wonder what my parents are doing. I bet they're pretty bored. I really suck at typing maybe I should take keyboarding class or something, am I going to run out of room here? it looks like it, oh no ican keep going. I feel like doing something fun. I wish bryce would stop calling so damn much. watch him get on line and be able to read this. iwonder if thatsa possible. I bet you have to know my social security number or some thing. but the university knows it. I wonder if the computer is like timing me or something. my mom would be really proud of me for doing this she doesn't think I know what I'm doing when it come to computers. my roommated will also be impressed when she come home from whereever she is. I bet this would be a lot harder to do in that class room with 400 people. iwould probably start writing about the people around us. by the time I finish a sentence I've already thought about 10,000 other things. I wonder if other peoples are going to be like this. they are probably going to talk about something worthwhile. I used to think it was worthwild. I hear voices outside my window I wonder if they can see me. they're probably saying that girl looks at th e keyboard when she type instead of the screen. wow time is going by really fast, I only have like 4 more minutes. I wonder what will be done with this and if I will ever see it again. where the hell is lindsay? I think I'm starting to get a crick in my neck. I have 2 more minutes. computers are pretty fun I wish I didn't have such early classes. I keep thinking some one is going to knock on my door. geez my suitemate is really weird. I wonder what she does. damn almost all my thoughts from 20 minutes recorded. that is pretty cool. shoul;d I read over it?

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wow i am so tired i really just wish that i could go to sleep. why do they put a philosophy class in the law building i will never know. i can't believe that i just walk for 25 min just to get back to my dorm. i wonder what there is to eat tonight. i hope it is good. the last couple nights the food has been pretty good. man i really have alot of homework tonight i hope the fraternity doesnt keep me late tonight. it is such a pain to have to walk all the way to the house just for a meeting. wow i am really thirsty. i really want a glass of water. i wonder what everyone is doing right ow. i bet they are still in class. when is that girl going to get down here so we can study for math. i need to go get a map of the bus routs. or a map of where i can park so i don't have to walk anymore. oh man its only been 5 min. i wonder who im going to ask to go to the OU Texas game. i wonder if i will even get tickets to this game. my band isnt very good, i better go try and find someone that has a better band. oh yeah i have to go buy my tops pictures that i took. i need to go get a hair cut. i wonder what i will look like when i can't cut my hair or shave for 6 weeks i bet i will look really funny. man my palm really hurts i wonder what i did to it. maybe it was when i was doing gymnastics tricks for people. i wonder if ut has a gymnastics team or what intails being a cheerleader. i really liked it at that last game when they did all the flips. i really hope that ut wins the national championship this year. that would be so cool to win in swimming and football and baseball all in the same year. i wonder if any other school has done that before. aww im so glad that i am done with classes today i don't know if i would be able to make it if i still had to go out and sit in another class. hey my roomate just brought me mail. wow a letter from my parents how exciting. my roomate keeps talking he doesnt realize i don't care. hahahaha he is talking about his macintosh. and his knew program. wow he has a really low band for the ou game. maybe he can get me a ticket. he is telling me a story about our pledge trainer and how he made a stupid comment. it was actually a good story im surprized. wow i think alot. i wonder when it is going to start to get cold. i don't know if i can take this heat any longer. i really want to go watch the simpsons. wow what a great show. my roomate still is talkign about his computer. i still don't care. my roomate i have decided does not stop talking. wow im almost done this wasnt as bad as i thought it was going to be. i think that stream of conciousness is really ran

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I have too much to do today. I should go work out. I need to learn to prioritize. Its unbelievable I have met or at least introduced myself to since I hae lived here, I need to work at remembering names. I like my classes so far, all in their own way. Calculus is the weirdest because I don't remeber much at all clearly from high school yet I kinda like bein confused like that. I wonder how all of my friends are doing form high school? I hear that the football team is using more of a passing game and I wish I was there for it all. I need to call my friend Jonathan, I can't wait to go visit him at Texas A&M. I've been writing for fie minutes now, its going to be a while. I need to go get I computer, I am tred of always waiting in line or bumming other peoples'. I'm gettin pretty good at spinning the pen on my finger, its kinda embarrassing if I do it in class and I miss. I wonder if my dad is going to get the new car or not. I would loe the chance to drive it. I would race cars if I could but I would be entering the field kinda late and I don't even know where to start. I wish I hd the time and money to take driing lessons this summer, then I could at least go to driev on a track if I had the car. Theer are too many things I want to do when I grow up. I like to be able to do everything, but I also want to marry the perfect girl and have the best kids and spend all of my time with them. I'e been writing for ten minutes now, I'm getting closer. My hand is starting to get kinda tired, I have multiple thoughts at the same time and I can't keep up with them all at the same time for this paper. I need to do my laundry, htose sheets I hae are still kinda stiff. I wish I had'nt slept so late today, I wasted half of my day and I missed a class too, it was probably the only time the teacher has gien a pop quiz. I want more cool signs, I think my walls are so bare, I want to have a room I enjoy being in. I get kinda lonely here by myself sometimes, but I think I am glad that my roommate never showed up. It gies me a lot more freedom. I can't wait for this weekend, hopefully I can get enough peopel together to go cliff diing. That guy in the hall is gettin on my nerves, he worries too much about stuff, the prob is I kinda see the way I used to be in him, and wonder why I eer had friends. so far college is a blast though, I'e got all of my old friends that go here, plus all of the people that I have met, so I always have something to do, but thats the problem because sometimes I don't get stuff I should get done finished. It's kinda my fault too though, I think I kinda aoid doing homework and such. I want to go see a movie sometime, its been a while since I'e seen one in a theater, I need to find a cool girl to go with. I really don't have and good thoughts now, being interrupted is kind of a hassle. There are lots of people I need to call, I should do it soon, many people I enjoy spending time with and I havent seen in a while. I have two dictionaries up there that I havent even used, I feel kinda bad but I havent had any need for them yet, n/m, I am supposed to look up some words for that seminar class. Oh well, I'm finally done, but I htink this is kinda cool, it takes a while to get into, but once I was started I think it was fun.

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day long hot muggy water drips slowly out of the ground. non sequiter my mother peaks out from beneath the trees and laughs leaves shaking from her hair. a ground develops where there was just empty space before I need sunglasses not to be blinded. chocolate bars scream nothing and jenny craig addicts eat them yummy yummy. day is so hot and muggy the sky is falling. chicken little must have been surprised she must have screamed wailed a thousands songs. the fox picked them up when they bounced of my throat and stuck to the corners of the world. stickier sticker than any glue any oatmeal face prepubescent girls use to give themselves a facial. thought thoughts hard to track when they come so fast or not in any order whirling monsters in my head searching for some shape searching for the perimeters exit. monsters under my bed no matter how big the rat trap was it never caught they never took my bait. instead they curled up beside me until I was no longer afraid afraid until morning scared me more than night and night felt beautiful empty. when you can't see something anything is possible it is easier to dream. the daylight defines things in ugly fluorescent light, not even with a decent amount of shade. in daylight you discover your mother is old and your grandmothers hands made of paper. and once you realize you will become only dust and are not afraid then you know the comfort of end. and you look forward to papery skin because it means the end will soon come of being so fucking tired and you can rest. and then you become scared to think about heaven eternity who really wants to live forever, endlessly. I'd scratch my eyes out with boredom. then you become scared of your name because it fixates your identity and you are some how attached to it. it you repeat your name enough it is dissolved into eternity and then you can't get out of bed in the morning. morning bring day day defines defines disceiting pea pods in father orgasms as the little miniature gypsies walk by laughing and singing troll songs charging me ten dollars to come under their bridge. frogs frogs never turn into princess and if they do they immediately shoot themselves in the head. there just is no going back ever ever. when alice looked into the looking glass she just feel and feel and fell and landed on the mad hatter kettle it was her unbirthday. happy unbirthday to you. red lines flick across my head my tongue is not long enough to catch them no honey for bait. I observe quietly this is how the universe was created. splat spat humpty dumpty's egg whites hit my head and Jill came stumbling after. on one leg. the jolly green giant has her other one locked in a glass jar on his table his children hump it before they go to be, their daily confessions to their father. father I'm sorry I have sinned please watch me do it repeatedly wierhoden Sie Bitte. I was out of the room Wierholden Sie Bitte. Danke Shon. my bonnie lies over the ocean inside the ocean nothing crawls out on legs legs develop into fins connect the dots lalala surrealism is incited by a kid with a kite flying upside down dali looks at a patty melt sandwich and discovers a movement someone looks at the wrapper and defines ecology Kermit the fog pukes and pukes and pukes. miss piggy makes him eat it up with a spoon a black rusty one saying O kermy or kermy mashed potatoes on the computer but not gravy cafeteria kind looking like an ice cream splat my friend used to always eat them with her finger while snot ran down her nose I was embarrassed for her and ashamed of my snobbery. pee girl gets the belt. outside the black ground decapitated head grew on trees a skull inside inside the most delicious porridge anyone had ever eaten stood bubbling bubbling. no one ate except the very very very bad girl. th3e girl who said nothing rocked herself under the tree growing silent roots. if I say nothing no one will ever be offended. it never occurred to her that her silence was offended like in the same way she discovered later as the smell of her cunt. her own body was offensive, defensive but she loved it once she learned how and all the kings horses couldn't break her again. and all the kings horse never even tried she grew wings but tore them off over and over and over. the white wall is turning blue the more I stare at it the closer it becomes I'm suspended by it women walk behind it wailing I can't reach them I'm to tired to scream to tired to move. my hands are creatures of their own highly adaptive spiders crawling over letter letter letter form words word are symbols of meaning but if you repeat the word mom over and over and over it makes as much sense as an animal sound. mom mom quack quack mom mom quack quack. absently no difference past a certain point. the little girl told the grizzly bear she was lonely and scared the grizzly bear said so am I. if that had been a brother grimm's talk the grizzly bear would have taken of her head. click click click or ticktock the mouse runs up the clock no matter what the nose. pink walls and Pocahontas braids swirl in the trash spider are becoming tired and tired and my hand are empty again thank god.

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blue is a pretty color. this is a very simple website. i need to work on my website. i need to finish it. i never finish a wesite when i start it. why can't i finish anything? am i a failure? my parents are really proud of me. i love my parents. i don't want to let them down. i miss them. i want to go home. i don't like being away from them. september 11th really scares me. i was so worried on that day. i can totally remember where i was that day. i was in weinberg's class. i remember how he reacted that day. i went to history to get a sense of comfort. i didn't find it. i don't want to go to war. war scares me. why am i always so tired. 20 minutes is a long time. i'm very glad i've already finished my experiment requirement for class. those surveys were really boring. i wonder how i'm doing compared to other students in my class. i want to read my email. i need to do my astrophysics homework. i'm bothered by my lack of self-control in doing my homework. my finger hurts. i'm really sick right now. i think i may have the flu. i wonder why my head hurts so much. i really want to read my email. why does my neck hurt? i want to take a nap. i wonder how much i should type. is this enough? my arm is hurting now. i want some snacks. i need to quit eating so much. i need to lose weight. i miss my granny. why did jo have to scare her? she knew how much it would upset her. why did she have to cause her to die??? i want granny back. i really miss her. i made a fool of myself at the funeral. why can't i deal with this and quit obsession over it? was she proud of me? did i make her proud? i loved her so much. my fingernails are dirty. i need to take a shower. i'm almost halfway done. i know so much yet i don't know a thing. why is the smithsonian preserving pieces of the world trade center? shouldn't we leave it alone? i love kara. i can't wait until i get to wake up with her everyday. she makes me so happy. i hope i make her as happy as she makes me. i just couldn't handle it if she didn't love me. time is slowing down. i want to call kara. i want to see how she is doing on her writing assignment. i think human beings are extraordinary. how can we deal with so much? we deal with physical adversity as well as mental. my fingernail looks weird. it's been a nice day. my skin is peeling. i want to play racquetball. wow, it's already 525. weird. it seems like i've been here for an hour. i want to be more physically fit. i want to please myself and kara more. i want to be around for a long life. i'm tired of being fat. i want to help myself. i just hope i can. i want to daydream. i want to be in star trek. i want to have those kinds of computers and technology. i want to be a great commander. i want people to be liked by many. i want people to want to be me. i want to be someone that is liked and respected. i'm very insecure and have low self-esteem. why do some chemicals hurt people? i mean why can't we find some way to neutralize them? i'm done!

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okay. here's the thing. I'm not writing this on my word processor but I do want it to be a stream of consciousness so I'm not going to worry about punctuation, spelling, or capitalization. so here goes. I'm not even exactly sure what to write about but I'll just go with something. Ummm last night I went out and had a kind of interesting night I went over to my old friend carlo's house where he was having a party although me and my friend laura prefer to think of it as lar's house because carlo has been hating us for some while. actually not for some while, ever since he went to England. so I went last night because I really wanted to tell him not to hate me anymore and we talked for awhile about what was wrong, basically he says he feels like he has tried so hard with me and I always put him on the bottom of my list and now I'm off in boyfriend land and don't even care to make time for him. which sucks because I seem to get that from a lot of people and I think that I really make excuses about it to myself because it seems to me that everyone has just assumed that boyfriend land whatever that is is where I want to be so they just kind of cut me off without even asking me what I really want or feel. so then I kind of go off to boyfriend land because I feel like he's the only one who ever wants to hang out with me anymore even though it sucks when he is the only one I am hanging out with anymore because too much time with any one person really sucks. it also sucks when I go to a party and people are always asking me, "where's your boyfriend?" like I'm not allowed to go out without my boyfriend or we are weird because we don't always want to go to parties together but I'm glad that eric wasn't there last night because I don't think that carlo would've talked to me about all the stuff that he did. also eric says that he doesn't even like going to parties with me anymore because I'm such a damn flirt. which I guess I am but I don't really think that I am whenever he's around. if that makes it any better. I wonder where jamie is right now. that is one of those things she probably told me so I probably should know. I feel like I'm writing in a diary right now and that is very weird for me since I haven't written in a diary since oh maybe middle school and even then it was just retarded writing saying things like oh my god! I danced with dj at a the dance! or more often someone in my group of friends is fighting because it seems that is all we ever did. I wonder if that was the group that I hung out with back then or if it was just our age and immaturity. oh well. anyway back to jamie. where is she? I don't know but I sure wish that I was working with her tonight the night goes by so much faster whenever she is there I swear. maybe it is because I'm antisocial I don't know. what sucks is that we got tickets to go see kenny chesney (the hottest country singer ever! as long as he keeps his hat on though he's kind of bald and if he wears his little black shirt because that is always a plus too) anyway we got tickets to see kenny chesney and now because of her stupid sorority that she doesn't even like or want to be in but has to stay in because she lives in the damn house she can't go. which pisses me off. I don't even want to go if she's not going annoying but I really do because it is after all kenny chesney I just don't really want to go with the people that we bought tickets with because I don't really know them even though we work with them. I don't really know oh well my time is up and I've got to go call laura anyway. you know I thought that I would be able to type a whole lot more than this in twenty minutes. oh well.

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hahaha, I really like the directions of how to tell Sherlock Campbell our UT EID and such. I wonder if that is weird to him. Sherlock is an interesting name, you don't here that every day. its a good thing there's a clock on here, I didn't look to see the time for this assignment. I don't really know what to think. I'm thirsty. my roommate needs to control the noise from her computer, its annoying. my face itches. there goes the noise again. I need to clean my side of the room. why do I have so many cords on my desk, but my roommate has maybe 2? I think I have a rash on my arm, and it itches. I need to go return my nutrition book to the co-op. eew, a duck on tv has oil all over it. what is the purpose of this commercial? DAWN?! that's stupid. that girl from Everybody Loves Raymond is a spokesperson for too many things, and when I say too many, I mean 2 different companies. but that's still odd. to me. my arm still itches. I never did anything about being thirsty. wow, I never realized how long 20 minutes is. all of this was written in 5 min:33 sec. CRAZY! is dr pennebaker really going to read this? I wonder how many crazy people he has in his class thinking about obscure things. too bad I couldn't do this while I'm driving, I think of some really random things when I'm in the car by myself. I like alone time. I love driving home to Dallas by myself, PLENTY of thinking time. I need to go to Wal-Mart. but I don't remember what for. hmm. why did I need to go? this is going to bug me. I think I want to be a Texas Sweetheart. the informational meeting is at 6 tonight. I wonder if I'll make it by the time I finish this. I just noticed that I capitalize random letters. well, they're not random because if it's capitalized, its supposed to be. but I don't capitalize everything that needs to be. so that's weird. I wish I could think of more interesting things. I miss my boyfriend travis. TV without sound is funny. mmhmm I love this bar, this song makes me laugh. I really do wish I were more entertaining for you dr. I love dr pepper. I wish I knew someone named dr pepper. my orthopedic dr is named dr payne. I had a teacher in high school named mrs payne. and mr axe. can you imagine what kind of torture my high school was? no, I loved high school. I love the fact I'm out! I still miss my boyfriend. I wonder how many times I think about him during the day. I should start keeping tally. nah, that would be a waste of ink. country singers make me laugh. MUCH cooler than pop stars - they're all stuck up. but man, country singers and music lovers. so funny. hahahaha, this music video is funny. I laugh at things easily. people like being friends with me because I laugh easily. it boosts their self confidence I think. my arm still itches. I wish that pretesting thing would work so I can start on that. that meeting is in 20 minutes. should I go? yeah I'll go. 3 more minutes in this assignment. I still wish I were more interesting though. the guy in this video just poured a latte on himself. now my leg itches. I love the band Lonestar. back to the arm. soooooo, basically this was filled with how my body itches. I bet that's interesting. there goes my head. what's with that? I don't understand. I don't think I usually itch this much. I dunno, maybe I do. my stomach just made a noise. 20 more seconds. lalalalalalalalalala. and DAVE MATTHEWS BAND rules! :) have a great day!

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Right now, I am thinking about my chemistry homework and test. I am very nervous about it and I am worried that I may not succeed to my fullest potential. I am also very nervous and anxious about doing this writing assignment because I have never done this before. I'm also listening to music because it helps me to relax. I am cold and sometimes in makes it difficult to concentrate because my attention is focused on my coldness. I pretty much just look around the room every single day and it helps me to think things through. I also think about the things I have done wrong in my life and how it is that I can go back and correct them. There is this person I love so much with my entire heart, but I don't like him hanging around my best friend. Wait, its more like I don't like for her to hang around him. Yesterday, she just freaked me out because she just came up to us, my friends and I, and she just leaned on my boyfriend. What kind of a friend is she to do that? She knows that I hate for her to be around my boyfriend. And every time she is around him I end up getting mad at him, when, in reality, I should be getting mad at her. There are so many things I want to tell her, but I'm afraid I'll end up hurting her, but I feel she needs to know that it does hurt me a lot when I see her flirting with my boyfriend. She has always been boy crazy, its just that people don't know that. Every time she is around him I get this ugly feeling in my tummy like there is something very wrong. And then today just out of nowhere I told her that she needed to find herself a man, a companion that she could spend time with and stay away from me and my boyfriend. I know I shouldn't say that, but its true. I have always been very insecure about myself, but my boyfriend always tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me very much. I truly believe him and in my heart that we love each other. Its just my best friend somehow interferes. I figure is she keeps on doing that I am going to let her know how I feel because I don't want to keep my feeling all bottled up inside of me. First of all, I have never been able to deal with my feelings so I pretty much just kept them bottled up inside. I don't know why I did that but I did, up until the time I started going out with my boyfriend. He changed me and the way I felt about myself and I cherish that because he has made a huge impact in my life. I love him so dearly. Anyways, enough about that. I talked to my dad about an hour ago. I call him every day, twice a day in fact. I am what you call Daddy's Little Girl!" I am very proud to say that because I love my father very much. He has done so much for me and I wish there was a way that I could give something back. The thing is I used to be able to tell my dad everything, but then something changed. I stopped telling certain things. I guess he kind of saw me as something I wasn't and that made me very sad. In fact, I'm getting teary-eyed right now. It's like my father had this whole other image of the daughter he wanted. I tried to tell him that I was different, but he just wouldn't understand. And now that I am over here at college its like, I wish I could take back every bad thing I did to him. I want to tell him everything that has happened in my life, some good things and some bad. I want him to know all the obstacles and temptations that I have encountered throughout the past few years. I feel he needs to know what his daughter has gone through in her life. A few days ago when I talked to him, I felt homesick. When I hung up with him, I started crying. I poured my heart out right in front of my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend everything about how I wanted to have a better relationship with my father. I want to let him know that I love him so much and that I appreciate him for everything he has done for me. I also miss my mom because she has always done things for me and taught me different things. She is special to me because of who she is. I love her dearly. I miss my little brother and older brother too. I also miss my dog and my cat. They are like my children. They are growing up without their mommy and that makes me sad. I want to be there for them. I love my dad, mom, brothers and boyfriend. I hope they know that they mean a lot to me and that I am lucky to have them as a part of my life.

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I am tired now. I don't know what I should talk about. I like this assignment. Wonder when it's due? Kristi Urey is the most beautiful person I know. I love you. I mean I love her with all of my heart, mind, body, and soul. I like psychology in high school. It was very interesting and personal. That draws people in or so I think. Psychology is the food of the sea. My roommate's a weirdo. He wears a hat to watch Conan O'Brien. My other roommate got his computer from Dell today. I like Kristi. I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is. Someone's going to be sorry, like all you witches and all you slime and all you whitewigged pinheads who make screwing a big crime. You twistedup my life and spit on all my dreams and made me hate myself. Now come on shoot me set me free. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts standing in a row. I don't like boy bands. I love food. I love my computer. I love the Internet. I have had a computer for four years+. I view myself as an expert in computer engineering. I don't think I can think anymore. My brain's broken. I'm bleeding internally. I'm a nervous wreck. I deserve respect. I'm walking a tight rope without a circus net. I was invited to my first frat party tonight, which I didn't attend. I don't think my girlfriend/fiancee would have liked me to go to that so I didn't go. Cased closed. Time's up!

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I am so excited about being down at UT but now I realize what everyone meant when they said that it is hard to study at UT. I have been out every night this week because there is so much going on. Luckily, I have still kept up with my school work and have been to every class. This week is the only week that I am going to go out every night but I have just had so much fun. There is a guy that I met when I came down here my junior year in high school and we completely hit it off. I am looking forward to seeing him again. I absolutely love the classes that I am taking right now. It is refreshing to go to a class where the students and professors are excited to be there and excited to learn. The material has been interesting and I can't wait to get started in my business honors classes. I am having some roommate problems right now, though. One of my roommates is incredibly messy, stays out all night every night and gets very drunk. I need to talk to her about this problem before it gets too big so maybe I will take her to lunch this weekend. Saturday at the game I get to sit in a box and I am so excited. The last game was fun but it was at night and I was burning up so I can only imagine how an afternoon game would be. Thankfully I will be in air conditioned rooms with free food and drinks. I really like the guy I am going with. Not as a boyfriend but as a really good friend. He is a gentleman and really looks out for me. Last night I met this really cute guy and he kissed me but I found out this morning that he has a serious girlfriend that goes to TCU- what a jerk! I am very mad that he put me in this awkward position. I thought he was so nice and such a gentleman last night but that just goes to show you. You really can not trust freshmen guys- they are only after one thing. I am still getting adjusted to college life and it does take some adjusting. I really do miss my mom and my house. The food at Hardin House is so gross and I hate to eat it. I know that I am going to gain the freshman fifteen. This year is my sisters debutante season and when I go home I am going to have to go to tons of parties and everyone is going to notice that I ahve gained weight and they will all be looking for it. But I have been working out everyday and trying to watch what I eat but there is always candy and good food sitting out around the rooms and I always end up grabbing a handful. But, life is short. Right now I am going to finish this writing and then I am going to study some Spanish and try to start reading Psychology. I am really mad that I am going to miss the first exam but thankfully I will be able to make it up. I am probably going to be missing a lot of class this semester because of traveling. I almost wish I was giving up my title this fall but it isn't until the summer when I give it up. I have enjoyed everything that I have gotten to do and see since I have been Miss Teen of America and all of the opportunities but with going to college and going through rush it has been very overwhelming. I would like to run for President of my pledge class, that would be a great way to get involved in my sorority and to really get to know all of my pledge sisters. I would love to be President of Pi Phi someday just because it is great to be in all sorts of different organizations and be really involved. I haven't gotten involved in anything at UT yet and I am keeping my eyes open for any news about interesting groups and clubs. My neck hurts today and I think it is from carrying my backpack all around. I had to take a bunch of my books back to the Co-op the other day so I got to lug the around. NOT FUN! UT is such a huge school and every little errand takes forever. My sister went here her freshman year and didn't like it so she transfered to TCU, but I love it at UT. I just really feel at home in Austin and I enjoy the diversity of all the people. It really teaches you to be open-minded and not so quick to judge. Coming from Midland, it is a great lesson to learn that people who are not straigt-edge conservative have a lot to offer and teach you, too. Well, the twenty minutes is almost up- that went by really fast. I guess I will go and dry my hair and then get to my reading.

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Right now I am thinking that college is pretty tough. I am constantly questioning my ability to do well in college. I want to make my parents proud yet I also want have a good time. I like to party a lot a little too much probaly. I just want to know how much partying is too much. I like to do what makes me feel good and school work does not make me feel good. In fact it stresses me out severely. I wish the world was a little simplier. I wonder if the way our soceighty is good or not. Successful human beings work their asses off to achieve a good living. Is that the way god wanted it or should we live a relaxed life with lots of fun. For me that would be partying spending time on the lake and going hunting and fishing. Is good for humans to work hard and stress there entire life. Maybe stress is the cause of fatal disease like cancer. It seems the more we evolve the more we work and stress things maybe this is leading us into different illnesses. I don't know I don't think one man does know. We could be completly on the wrong track or we could be evolving better than what anybody thought we could. I want finish school and be a successful human being but I would like to know if this is the right thing to be doing. All the human race would say definatly yes but what if we should be living amore relaxed less stressful and more fun life. Doing what makes each person feels good could be the answer. Life just seems funny because people are not robots they could do whatever they want but we choose to go to college and try to be successful. Maybe people just go through all the trouble to make money someday but if you think about it money is created by humans and if every wanted it they could just give it to everyone. All of this might not seem logical but I am human and these are some of the thoughts that go through my head. I going to listen to myself to and not be something I'm not. I want to succeed and make everyone proud but also I am going to have a lot of fun!!

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22

well, here I am in my computer lab in kinsolving. I just finished emailing my boyfriend. I really hate writing him sometimes because he never responds as much as I do. then again he is in Houston and still in high school and probably doesn't have as much to say as I do. oh well that's life. god why the hell did I wait until the last minute to write this. I should have done this last week. well, then again I did. but the stupid computer didn't send it. so now I have to retype all that crap again. life sucks! well, it is not that bad, but to me it is. I really wanted to go home this weekend. my cousins re so stupid for not going. what the hell!! now I have to depend on someone else or I have go to their house this weekend. the last thing I want to do I spend a night there with that stupid sima. damn does that girl have a mouth or what. I can't believe that she made all that stuff up about mayur and me. I hope paras doesn't get mad about me emailing about that. god, he believes everything that I tell him. I know that he is wooped in a way. just because he doesn't drive around everywhere for me doesn't mean that he loves me any less. or just because I drive to his house a lot, doesn't mean that I control the relationship. well actually I know that it probably would not have lasted this 9 months if had not driven up there 28 times. do you know how many miles that is? take 28 times 60 miles each trip. that is a lot of mileage that I put on all the cars. I hope he appreciates everything I do for him. actually, I know that he does. he is the most perfect person in the world. he has never caused any grief in my life. if anything has gone wrong it is because of his stupid parents. why the hell won't they give him a break? I mean, what the hell is wrong with them? that boy deserves a car more than any other child. I hope to god that comes to UT next year. that would be the bomb!!! we would be like living together. but I hope we don't break up like all the other couples that come here and do. they have it made, don't they realize that!! I guess being around a person all the time can be a little too much. but that's the thing, I don't think that I could ever get tired of seeing paras. I haven't gotten tired after this long what would change my mind now. oh well, we’ll see when the time comes. I hope we're still together then. I really don't know what would give either of us a reason to break up. I mean he adores the ground I walk on and I love him for that. just joking. I adore him just as much if not more. I mean, that's why my room is like a shrine to him. anyway, my time is almost up and I have to go get ready for neesh's b-day party thing. what the hell do I wear? I guess I’ll decide in a minute.

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6

dude california awesome fun friends road trip blast surfing ludacris rap music phat beat pumped smooth soulful prayers blessing God religion Jesus baptist Austin Stone Chris Tomlin worship Houston Astros game baseball rocks Giants rule champs should have won in 2002 john lackey sucks felix rodriguez blew it oh well they have a chance again this year. heck better than a chance. phone ringing. distractions. old friends corpus christi arlington dallas ut arlington ut dallas liberal arts undeclared journalism college of communication ut austin major degree football arkansas burnt orange sweetness good stuff #5 in the country should be higher journalists messed up tomorrow is 9/11 I can't believe that happened two years ago. I'm surprised there isn't more hype about it. who knows what could happen? how awesome would it be if we caught osama bin laden on the anniversary of 9/11. bush is going to be reelected whether he should be or not. oh well. democrats and republicans. republicans and democrats. I think I am somewhere in between. psychology. interesting stuff. tough class though. I hope I learn a lot. anyway my minutes are almost up so I think I am about to go oh well bye everyone

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28

Ok, I've just turned off the news so the thing that I have on my mind right now is the up and coming election. I really can't stand Gore, he is so robotic, I don't understand how anyone can stomach looking at him or listening to him. Now I am debating whether or not to get up and turn off the television or if I should just sit here and listen to the noise annoy me. Well I have decided to turn it off, ok that's much better, now I can write a more accurate account of what I am thinking. I really don't know what to write, I have never done anything like this before. My computer is really getting on my nerves because it isn't fast enough to keep up with my typing, and I can't stand all the little red squiggly lines that show what all I have misspelled thus far. I don't like not being able to fix it, and now the phone is ringing and that really bothers me because it breaks my concentration even more. Well it turned out to be a wrong number, someone looking for Heidi, I know this because my roommate had to answer on speaker phone, now it is ringing again and it was that girl that had the wrong number, this time she just hung up. What a moron, I mean really how much guts does it really take to fess up and say that you were dumb enough to dial the same wrong number twice? Not saying that I haven't done it before because I most definitely have but I also told the person I was sorry for interrupting them twice. My computer is really getting on my last nerve. I feel like asking my dad to buy me another one. Now that I have said that it reminds me about how everyone always says what a spoiled brat I am for getting everything that I want. I don't think its my fault that my dad loves me so much. I think that my brothers do though. Speaking of brothers, I rode out with my brother Eric yesterday and that was really fun. I think that if I wasn't so caught up in money and status I would become a paramedic instead of a doctor. Oh well maybe I'll become an ER doctor. That would be pretty cool. I just watched ER tonight and it was pretty good. Mark Green reminds me of Eric's friend Jim, he's really nice but he is married to a psycho just like Eric is. I used to want to be a psychiatrist but after last night I defiantly don't want to do that. We ran a call on a girl that over dosed on her anxiety medication. All she did was whine about how no one loved her and all of her friends had boyfriends, just like Sunni. Sometimes I wish that I could be a writer like JD Salinger. He is really awesome. I know that this sounds really morbid but I almost can't wait for him to die so that we can read more of his work. And if that sounded bad another person that could keel over at any given moment is "Deep throat," from the Nixon scandal, I would really like to know who that is. I really don't want these people to die, I mean I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I just would like to find out some more things. Oh well I have about two more minutes and I can stop writing this. I'm glad that no one is going to read it because that would be really embarrassing. I can't believe how much stuff I am misspelling. It's like I never attended first grade. Well I did fail spelling in the fifth grade but doesn't that make me a genius?

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30

I am thinking back to when in class you were talking about sitting in front of the computer and wondering what to write about. I wonder what my roommate is saying ?hmmm? for. she may think it is weird that I am writing about her if she reads this. I like rice krispie treats. I just had one. I went to the vegas getaway for the business school; it was fun. my face is itching. my nose, then my neck. I really like what I've done with my hair today, but too bad it took longer than I had expected it to take. my roommate, erika, is leaving. she is going to go get something to eat. now my back is itching. I wonder why, when you itch, simply rubbing on the itching spot doesn't make the itch go away. you have to scratch it instead. wouldn't it be easier if we just didn't itch at all? I mean, what's the point of itching anyway? I guess it just makes the experience of life all the more interesting. also why is it that when you start to itch, you suddenly itch everywhere. kind of like when someone yawns and you see it, it makes you have to yawn too, even if you're not sleepy. I'm spending an awful lot of time thinking about itching. I want to take a speed reading class at the UTLC. maybe it will help me in the future. but will I begin to speed-read everything if I take the course?. I like listening to music. I guess most people do really. my nose itches again. I'm glad it got cooler in this dorm room. last week it was SO hot. I had to sleep on top of my blanket. the good thing is that it therefore provided more padding on these rock-hard beds. I really like the movie Chicago. it's so theatrical. speaking of which, I think my sister had auditions for the high school's fall play today. I wonder how she thinks she did. I hope that she gets a part, even if it's a small one. I'm looking forward to seeing the fall production. maybe they'll make it to state OAP this year. I miss being in theatre. I would like to join a theatre club, but I'm not sure I have time for the rehearsal commitment. plays are a lot of work. I really like this writing assignment you all have devised for us. it's interesting and even kind of fun. I like the box I have on my shelf. it's orange and gold, with a leaf pattern. thank goodness I only have 2 classes tomorrow. today was nonstop; 4 classes with only a 30 minute break. I had a bagel for breakfast. I wonder how early the bagel guy has to get up in order to go to his little stand and be open in time for 8 o'clock classes. I wonder if he likes his job?. he would get to meet and see a lot of people every day; that, I'm sure, is a perk or he would not be living in Austin, or any big city. I'm from a small town. austin still continues to wow me with the massive number of people on campus and on the streets. oh good I get to put my pennant that I bought today up on my board in about 5 minutes. it cost $7. one about 1/3 of the size cost $6. they're probably betting on the idea that people will not check the price of both pennants and simply buy the smaller one, thinking it will cost much less. I had economics today. I think I'm beginning already to think more about the economy. at least I hope so, because if I am, that means I'll do better on the tests. there is a study session tomorrow night that I'll be attending. I need to go running later. I'm really glad that the gym is so close by. in my hometown, you had to drive 35-45 minutes just to get to a gym. so it was either waste all that time, or go run on the hard, uneven, gravel-y, county road. gravel-y is not a word but that's okay. I wonder what psychological experiences you all will get by reading these assignments. 5 seconds left. oh okay my time is up but I get to finish my thought. I'm going to go study now. I have to read my psych book for your class tomorrow.

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10

I really like the song that was on MTV just now. Simple Plan is a cool band. I wonder what my friends are doing later for supper. I don't feel like going to class at 6. I just want to sleep. I wish my boyfriend and I would stop getting into arguments. It really sucks when we fight, I hate it! I'm kind of hungry. Where is my roommate? It seems like she is never here. Oh well, more private time for me. I miss my mom. I have so much to read for my classes. Chapters and chapters and chapters! Looks like I have my work cut out for me for a long time. My Spanish class seems really easy, I hope it gets harder, so I feel more challenged. I wonder when I should go talk to an advisor about my major. Should I change it, not change it, minor, or double major. why is everything so difficult? All questions and decisions in life should be yes/no or multiple choice! That would be so wonderful. Celebrities are so gorgeous, they suck. Although, they are pretty cool people. I guess, I don't really know them. I have an itch on my leg. I hope I don't get sick, that would be horrible. I can't wait for the game on Saturday. It's going to be so much fun. Rap music gets on my nerves. I need to finish taking pictures on my camera so I can get them film developed. Why is so cold in here. I turn the air warmer, and it gets too hot, then I turn it cooler, and it gets too cold! That sound is annoying, I wonder if the AC is supposed to make that noise. This room needs to be vacuumed. It's gross. My mom sent me a letter. Yay! I'm excited, but I can't open it until I'm done writing this assignment! I need to turn my closet light off. I'm thirsty. I feel like drinking a Dr. Pepper. That sounds so yummy! I think I might eat a pickle when I'm done too. That sounds like a plan. I'm almost done with this thing. Mom uses ugly stamps. Oh well, I have cute ones.

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6

I am not exactly sure how this is supposed to work, but I will give it a try. I am wondering if I am thirsty because I see the Aquafina bottle on my desk. I know I will jump to a random thought soon. I just have not figured out exactly what it is. I am thinking about going to my next class at 5:00 for the Cal discussing, and I am wondering if there will be any good looking guys coming today. There are a few cute ones, but who knows why they won't say hello. I myself don't think that I am totally unattractive, and on occasion I have been known to look hot. Now one of my friends would think that she was cuter and had a better body than me, but I do not think so. So anyhow that makes me think of how we went bowling the other day and that she did look like she had lost some weight because her pants looked good on her. She also has great hair, that never looks clumpy, how does she manage that? O just go to the store and buy any shampoo that I want but not her she buys the most expensive thing at the mall, we are so different, yet so alike. Maybe I just like to put on the image that I don't care when I really do, while she cares and she admits it. Right now I feel like turning on the tv so that I don't fall asleep while I am typing this assignment up. I always get sleepy around this time but I feel so guilty taking a nap because I have so much work that I should be doing. Right now I hear Rosie O'Donnell in the background and they are talking about NYC and now I want to go hang out in New York with my friends and I also want to go each some chocolate chip cookies. I am the biggest chocoholic. But my dad has diabetes, so I have decided that I would start to be cautious about what I ate. Right now I am trying to keep up with everything I am thinking but my fingers cannot move as fast as all my thoughts. I just saw a picture of a finger cut open, and quite frankly that is one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen. I am not really sure if I like my nail polish color, it is a cool color, but I am not entirely sure that it looks good on me. Rosie just mentioned dogs which makes me think of my dog, Cleopatra, who I miss very much. She is a black cocker spaniel with white patches on her stomach and, she has beautiful big brown eyes. She is one of the cutest things I have ever seen. She waits for my little brother to come home from school at the window next to our front door. Oh yah I want to download Dr. Dre's new song, but for some reason I cannot remember the name of the song. And I can't get Napster, because of this stupid UT network, so I have to use Imesh, which is not as good as Napster, because I can't just write in the name of a song. I have had quite a bit of computer trouble lately. But luckily it is all fixed and set up now, due to many nice people who have helped me set it up. I am really not computer savvy and my parents always get on my back about it, and I used to not pay attention but now I am thinking that I should, because there are so many cool things that computers can do, and I don't want to miss out. I also want to go shopping, but I don't have money, I want to be like I Dream of Jeanie or Bewitched and just be able to blink in and out of outfits. I saw a Campbell's soup commercial that said soup only has 100 calories. Now I am watching a bit about a wonderful guy who is very loving toward his mother, which makes me think that I could make more of an effort to be better to my parents. Ok my twenty minutes are up so I will stop typing.

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21

as I sit here to begin writing, I was stood up for a date this weekend. I know this happens all the time, but still it hurt. and I don't know why. I mean its not like I need love and attention all that much. okay, so maybe I do. but is that so bad. but it seems that everytime I find someone who does love me I find a way to push them away. I don't know. maybe I'm not meant to be happy. I really do hate being so dependant. and I don't know why I am. maybe its genetic. maybe not. maybe I'm just becoming one of those messed up people I never wanted to become. who knows. usually when I write stream of consiousness it turns very melodic and down trodden. I guess this keyboard messing up might be helping things. I don't know. I'm not really tired, but I have so much to do. and I do want to get some sleep. maybe getting dumped on some is good for me, maybe it will wake me up. maybe I am dreaming too much. maybe none of this is real, and I'm jus+t fooling myself. who knows, I surely don't. but its kinda bad being so dependant, especially when you don't attract girls by the dozen. but I can not help it, its who I am. a hopeless romantic, lost in a non romantic world. oh, for the days of the cowboys. when men were men. or medevil times, with knights, and damsels. and fuedal kingdoms. and the plauge. ring around the rosey. ugh. I hated that game as a child. but now I think its kinda fun. I dunno, I jus+t want someone to share with, to be with. maybe thats too much to ask out of every girl's best friend. sigh. I really don't want to go to work tommorrow. I mean I do okay, at it. but I'm just not annoying enough to be really good at it. plus I guess there's no incentive. I don't know if I want to go back to dallas on the first. I'm not sure if I want to go back period. don't get me wrong. I mean I miss some of the people. but I want to get past Mesquite. to move on with my life. I guess I have a lot of trouble moving on. but somtimes people jus+t make it too hard. this is a very pretty song. I may ask Mandy out. as a matter of fact, I think I will. but is it wrong?? I don't know. I'm not s+ure if I'm qualified to say. I'm not sure who is. I've done so many things that I said id never do. oh man. am I messed up?? isn't that somthing we are always asking ourselves though??? or at least it seems I am. I mean I have never loved anyone the w4ay I loved Kara, since Kara, if that makes any sense. I'm just so utterly confused at the moment. I don't know. plus I have too much to do to be w4orrying about all this. life should be so easy right now. I should be having a ball. but I'm not. and I hate it.

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25

I suppose that the first sensation that comes to mind is contentment because Janet Jackson is playing on the radio. I love Janet Jackson. A lot of times I tell people that I'm obsessed with her music, but I really don't think that is true. I exaggerate too much, I think. I guess I just want people to be impressed with what I'm saying. I don't care if they like it or not - I don't care if they like me or not. In fact, in a lot of ways, I would rather them not like me. I know that is completely abnormal. MOst people strive for acceptance or whatever. I would rather people not like me. That is, except for the few friends I have. I have about ten friends, I would say. This is fine with me. I would rather have ten friends that I know and trust than have a hundred that I barely know. I hate the concept of accquaintances. I realize that sometimes it is necessary, but it just seems plain stupid to me to call people who are really accquaintances, friends. A friend is sacred. Family is important and all. They are the people who are stuck with you no matter what, bascially. A true friend chooses to be stuck with you for the rest of time. That is sacred. Without my ten friends, I would be lost. If they decided that they didn't like me, I wouldn't know what to do. However, people I don't know - I could care less. I don't like meeting new people. I guess maybe that's because I am uncomfortable with change. New people change so many things. I realize the value in making new friends - I really do. but, I think its better to meet someone as it happens - by chance, so to speak. Consciously making an effort to go out and meet people - I think that undermines the meaning and value of friendship. If someone said to me - I'm going to go out and meet friends today, I wouldn't even know what to say. WHAT? That is beyond the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I can only shake my head and wonder what goes on inside that person. That statement makes it sound so easy - just go out and meet friends. How simple. I feel bitter right now. I don't think I should feel bitter. It feels wrong, somehow, so now I feel guilty. I'm bitter because it has always been a strugle for me to meet people that I like that like me back. Or so I always thought. In actuality, it was always in my mind. And now that I realize that a lot of people would like me if I gave them the chance to, that scares me. Like I said, I like having only ten friends. It works for me. I can't take on having many more friends - I would strecth myself to thin. So, one would say, just keep some close friends and the others not so close. I do that now, to some extent, with my ten friends. If I did it with more - some would become accquaintances. Like I said, I hate the concept of accquaitances. And so, it all becomes a circle. Most things are circles, though. If you can't come to a conclusion, it is probably a circle. Circles are so hard because one is constantly doubting his/herself. Should I be on this side or the other? I suppose that one just has to make a choice, a commitment, and stick to it. Faith - such a hard thing. Especially when one has to have faith in oneself. It's so much harder that it sounds. Perhaps it is the thing that humans strive for or should strive for. I don't know. I won't even go into anything like that. The meaning of life, etc. I don't know enough for that - not even close. That's okay, I can wait.

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30

I mean, each day I wonder why I am here on this earth. and then other times, I wonder why I go through some of the stuff I do go through. it seems at times that the "good" people get the worst parts of life, while the "villains" in life seem to get the better things in life. that bugs the hell out of me. then there is love. something that is near and dear to me. I look around and I see great females who choose to stay in relationships with guys who treat them like "scum". it's so ridiculous sometimes. the worst is when these girls as for the nice guy, but when one comes along, they ignore him and guy for the guy that may boost their social status. sometimes I guess the girls out there that are like that deserve the treatment they get. other than, life seems great right now. every piece of the puzzle is here. except one thing. I have no one to wake up for each morning. but other than that, thing seems to be falling into place. I use to be a person that required love and what comes along with it. but after my last relationship, I have learned to take life A LOT easier and just "chill". sometimes I might take it to an extreme and therefore I do get myself in trouble or do things that make me disappointed in myself. I worry that this new "care-free" life may eventually take me over with it's great appeal. but only time will tell if that will happen. most of my close female friends feel that I have changed to a more fun and loose person, but at what because??. some feel I have already changed too much and have become a totally different person. I do see myself as changing, but the core of who I am has not changed and hopefully it will never change. I feel that my beliefs and morals and etc are still the same. I have changed a few beliefs, or I should, I am considering changing a few beliefs I have, but it's nothing to strong. it's more like how I choose to take life and what I think is important. but some of the beliefs that I am considering changing or what has my friends worried. because once again, they feel I may become a totally new person and become a person without the same sympathy that I use to possess. but like everything else in life, only time will tell. but I see my myself as evolving rather than changing. make sense??. it's like I am becoming a stronger person. especially emotionally. I am still as sensitive as I used to be. tears come natural for me. but as far as love and stuff. it's not as blinding as it used to be. it's like I gained "sunglasses" somehow as I evolved. even my poetry has changed with my evolution. my first couple of works were specifically about love and what goes along with it. but my most recent collection focused on death, suicide, and the afterlife. I wasn't at all suicidal or anything. but the artistic side of me wanted to try something different from the usual love stuff. but it seems through everything I do, that I have matured. I am less likely to hold grudges than I used to. I have pretty much become friends with most, but not all of my past "grudges". I guess once you get out of high school, things you once considered important seem ridiculous now. kind of odd huh??. there were people in high school that I would have died for and would have died for me, but now we barely talk. and then there's the people I never talked to much, but now I spend most of my time with. it's weird how one summer can change so much. but I guess this past summer "weeded" out the friends who weren't really friends. the friends you have now are the ones that will stay true to you for awhile. or at least until something catastrophic occurs. I remember in high school, I thought my click would never break up. we were almost like brothers. but now we are like strangers. maybe time will change things back. or maybe it was just meant to be. but as of now, my life seems to be a constant vacation. yea there is classes and stuff, but everything is so laid back. there is no pressure whatsoever. not yet at least. but we'll have to see how all that goes. life is a mystery and I doubt anything will ever make sense. just take whatever opportunity you get, and never postpone anything until tomorrow. cause you never know, there may not be a tomorrow. and one should always keep their mind open to anything. the most sure people in our world have changed their minds. sometimes our past or the facts that are presented to us can alter our opinion on matter. however, it's okay to have a strong belief about something as long as you believe in it with you heart and nothing more. a lot of people today are just followers. they believe what they are told. they don't think for themselves to see if what they are told makes any sense whatsoever. many cases in history have resulted badly. look at World War 2. the entire country of Germany followed the madman named Hitler. he was a lunatic, but one has top give him credit for being able to convince a whole nation that he was right. then to convince them to allow him to be dictator. the sad thing is that, that could still happen today. maybe not with the same "material", but if a person said the right thing with the right motivation, any country could fall. even the supposed "untouchable" U. S. A. nothing is untouchable. just like how nothing lasts forever. nothing

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23

hmmm. I was wondering what I was going to think when I was planning to do the assignment. well, I can hear that tv. married with children. I thought they were off the air. this place feels a little cold. its friday what am I going to do today? sharon's or cullens place for sure. maybe downtown. hmmm. I have a paper to write my monday. I might want to get some sleep tonight and get a good start on it sat. its only two pages though. I better do a good job though. I have to read un redeemed captive this week to. I better thry and finish it sunday. I'm getting hungry. mexican food. taco C. hmmm. I might take a nap today. I want to work out today. I want to gain 10lbs before christmas. I need to work on my jump shot too. I miss playing ball everyday like I used to growing up. I'll go out to eat with eva at the texas club tonight then go play ball followed by working out. after that I'll be free for the rest of the night and be ready to party. I need to run a couple of miles to. I wondering how often you have to run in order to loose body fat. I wonder how long it would take me to get to 6%. 6 months? I'd have to eat right though. I wonder what it would take to walk on the Ut men's b-ball team. I guess I'd have to email someone and ask permission to play on the practice squad and go from there. hmmm. that would be great to work my way up there. if Drew could do it then I could do it . huge maybe but I'd have to commit myself. kinda like when I grew up playing everyday. I like this root beer. A&W never fails to make great drinks. Amys ice cream sounds good too. I wonder what my room mates are doing tonight. sean is probably staying home and doing nothing and cullen might be getting together with some of his friends from back in high school. I want to go to killeen this weekend but I have way to much work to knock out. I miss my lil brother jacob and sis caroline. I'll drive up there to see them as soon as possible. I wonder how my uncle joe is doing. I can't believe that him and emily are getting a divorce. they're only 30 and they have been married for 5 yrs and they seem right for each other. just goes to show what can happen to two people. you never know . dang that really bites because I hate to see my family break up. reminds me of my parents. and my dad. I wonder when the new lutheran service is. I need to get back into going to church. I belong there and I haven't found a church perfect for me in atx yet. I liked hyde baptist collegiate service. I'm not baptist though. anyways. I can't believe I'm going to be 21 in like 3 months. its more of a right of passage then anything. I still won't drink in public so its not that big of a deal but I always imagined 21 being in your 20s and a legal adult. I don't feel 21 though. that always seemed old to me. I don't think I have much time left on the writing assignment. hmmm. shrimp at the clubhouse tonight! I think I'm going to take eva up on her offer and go with her and her family.

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3

I was writing a previous paragraph when this computer accident submitted my paper. I was not finished as you probably might have seen. I will continue from here on. As I sit here and try to do this assignment, many things come to my mind. One is all my homework assignments that are due for my other classes. I have spent all day doing chapter readings for other classes and now, though still behind in some classes, feel a little better that I actually made myself read for those classes. At this particular moment I feel very hungry for I have only eaten once today and it was at 2:00pm. It is currently 9:30pm. I do not know how long this paper has to be but when asked to write my thoughts down as soon as they come into my head, my mind goes blank and remains blank for a while. My mind is still held up on the homework assignments that are due for tomorrow. It's been 10 minutes into this assignment so I'm glad I only have to do this for 10 more minutes. Yesterday's lecture just came into mind. I love neurology so I thought it was the best lecture I have heard in a while. There's something about the brain that makes me want to make that field my career. It is a mysterious organ that we are just starting to unravel. I thinks its the challenge that we face in trying to fully understand it that makes me want to become a neurologist. Well surprisingly its been 20 minutes already and I have lots more work to do.

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21

I have been extremely pissed off for the entire day. I have just started classes again at UT. I am trying to get into the pharmacy school. I work at a pharmacy now, but the people there are driving me insane. I have panic disorder, but lately instead of panicking I am just angry. I almost ran into about 5 cars driving on mo-pac. road rage?! My therapist is trying to assure me that I am not the one who is crazy - it's just the people around me. My job, my parents, my friends". I am taking things out on John who does not deserve it - he is just here all the time. I wrote him a nasty email and I think he just replied. He is so sweet, I really should make a HUGE effort not to do that to him. he is probably used to it after 3 years. yuck. I would have been tired of my temper tantrums a long time ago. I tried acupuncture today for anxiety and my irritable bowel syndrome. The guy treating me at the student clinic was a moron. I usually get good people. he is graduating soon from that academy and I am scared of what he will do to his patients. I am going to take a xanax now and see how long it takes me to calm down. Cool, I can time it. ready, go. ok. I have to work all weekend when I need to be studying. my wrist hurts. maybe from typing, maybe from that moron. this should be pretty interesting for someone to read. I have lots of other homework that I could be doing, but this is all I have the brain power for right now. no offense, but it's not biochemistry. I am glad to be back in school. I hit the wrong key and it stopped for like 3 seconds. weird. I have to work with john the head pharmacist this weekend. they are all trying to manipulate me into working more hours than I want to. they have now told me that if I don't work all of these hours that they will find someone else to work there. it's all or nothing. I know they are bluffing, because it would take them so long to train someone that one of the other techs that works at the store would have to cover the weekends for months. no one wants to work weekends. so I should do it because I'm in school and that's easier for me because I am a student. that's their logic. that's crap. I think I'm almost done bitching. I am going to work tomorrow and if he doesn't make some compromise with me then I may just walk out and let him work by himself. that won't happen. he will say anything to keep me there. and I'll probably fall for it and think everything is ok and then he will just change his mind at the end of the weekend. so, I should just change jobs, or just change stores. Eckerd's sucks - they all have their heads up their butts. AAAAH! I guess I feel a little better now, but not much. I will just have to think about something else if I am going to feel better. my glasses are foggy. they always get scratched because I don't take care of them. I need an eye exam. haven't had one since grade school. who says grade school? I'm old. I have to be good this weekend. even though I am going to a birthday party that will probably be not quite as good as I need to be. whatever, that didn't make sense. I wonder when john will be home. at least I'm getting something done. I need to do a lot of things. I need to send transcripts to UT, start looking at pharm apps. and ask john if he is really going to move with me if I go out of state. I will probably get in for next fall but you never can tell. I applied way too late last year and got stuck on the stupid alternate list. ok, next/

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20

As I look at this blank space, what am I going to write about? There is no topic really, so I guess its up to me. I'm thinking about how I need to cancel my doctors appointment because the bug bites that have been on my leg for over two weeks are finally starting to go away. I have never been to the doctor at the SSB. That also reminds me that I need to go give a list of my professors so that I can get extended time. This whole timed writing thing is fairly new to me. I have had extended time for a long time, so its never really been an issue for me. But I do like this writing assignment, its nice not to have any rules and to just follow my stream of consciousness. I mean we wrote stream of consciousness papers in high school, but never like this for an assignment. It amazes me how far technology has come. What did students do before the internet? I mean, look at what I'm doing right now, this is crazy. How did people function and know things without internet and email. I have basically grown up in a world that has always had computers. granted when I was really young not everyone had computers, but for as long as I have been of age to where the internet would benefit me, it has always been there. That also applies to cell phones. I simply do not understand how people would find one another and get a hold of each other without them. I am so dependent on mine. Oh no, I just looked down at my to do list and realized I really need to call my owl pal for this week, I have never really met her, and they told me she was special needs. " from what I have heard she is not really the sorority type, and well, neither am I in some ways, but I really hope I connect with her because I think she feels like an outsider. the pledge trainers said she would go sit off by herself and I am really sad for her because I know what its like to not really know anyone and be forced, almost, by family to be in a sorority. but I hope I can show her how neat it actually is. I hope that talking about music will be a bridge between us. but god, I hate the fact of having to do something. Being obliged to do something really annoys me and it makes me not want to do it at all. I think I have gotten worse about that over the years. Over the years, hah, I'm only 19. but then again, I look at kids in high school now and think they look so young, its crazy, its like once I left for college, I can no longer be categorized as another kid. Its kind of sad really, and ill miss those days of always living at home with my parents to take care of me and annoy me, but then again, there's always holidays and summer vacation. I really hope that I enjoy this class and that it is not just so tedious to do the work. Actually, when I was reading the book the other day, some of it actually interested me, and I'm so thankful for that, it is so difficult for me to pay attention to things if I'm not interested. I don't know if its like that with everyone, or particularly because I'm adhd, but if something doesn't engage me, even the slightest bit, it is tedious to force myself to focus on it. I really hope that I find something to do with my life that I love, because that would really help, hah, I'm sure everyone says that, but I really do hope that that happens. I'm not exactly the hardest worker, but I feel like I'm going to be alright somehow. Its not like I can just sit on my ass with a trust fund or anything, because I know my parents aren't going to pay for me after college, but I know that I'll be ok. I sometimes worry that I won't be able to give my kids the same opportunities that my parents gave me, and that might be hard, but I don't really want to have kids unless I am mature and financially stable. Bringing it back to summer vacation. this summer I lived at home and didn't really work, but that's besides the point. I just wanted to talk about how I went home and totally noticed how privileged my friends and I are. I don't think that some of them really get it because their parents sheltered them a great deal more than mine did, but I mean, my friends from high school are some rich, spoiled brats, and I knew that before, but it really fazed me this summer. Its sad to me that my friends don't really know what its like to not have money, and I shouldn't be talking, I spend so much money and it doesn't really matter, I'm going to really need to learn how to budget money when its my own. Or learn how to not buy useless shit that just makes the place all cluttered. I hope we get more assignments like this one because its nice to get stuff out on the table, and I have a feeling no one is really reading this, because that would be a pain in the ass to read all this text that 500 students wrote. I need to call a couple of my friends at other schools, but its such a pain in the ass, bc schedules are never the same and we always miss each other and its hard to keep up with people and impossible to know every detail, but for some of my friends that stuff doesn't really matter and I know we will always be friends when we are together, and for that I am very grateful. with one minute left, what I'm I going to talk about, I wonder if it stops letting me type, or if I have to exit myself, that's crazy how its up there ticking away the seconds. turns out this wasn't so bad, and I'm glad I got it done now, as opposed to tomorrow when I have no class. well, talk to you soon, times up. tootles

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9

Well, I'm sitting here writing this. Not much is going on right now. I was playing free cell on my computer before. Yeah, I was that bored. Wow, this is what college is like. My roommate is sleeping right now. That's all she ever really does. Sleep and eat. speaking of eating I'm kinda hungry even though I had boba tea and a spring roll like at about 11. I really need to stop these late night temptations! yeah I really don't want to gain the freshman 15 as they call it. I want to go home this weekend but I really shouldn't. I have a lot of crap to study for. I want to go home to see my grandma and my dog. I'm not using very good grammar or punctuation in this assignment. I hope whoever reads it does not think I'm a complete moron I'm just lazy! yeah my laziness often gets in the way of things oh well. that is life. now I'm not thinking about anything much. I wonder if we are going to have one of those random pop quizzes in bio tomorrow. I hope not. I didn't do much today partially because I went to eckards to buy myself some cold medicine and orange juice! I believe in my vitamins. hhahaha ok no! that was retarded. I think I'm getting sick. ARRGH I hate getting sick because it always lasts for a while and now I can't miss classes. damn college. I don't know how people who miss class do it. I would always be scared that there would be some sort of pop quiz or the professor going over some random things that will be on a test. like I say GRR to college. I kinda miss high school now that I'm not there. I hate the way time just moves on and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I was thinking about that today and there isn't much time till I'm 20! only like 2 years. I never imagined myself even being 18. I guess I don't realize how much I have really changed. Not many people realize whenever they change kinda like you don't really realize whenever u change physically. Grr sorry. I accidentally pressed the finish key but I was not finished since there were like 6 minutes still left so I'm going to continue blabbing for 6 minutes. its only fair. I really do wonder what the hell my life is going to be like in 10 years. It seems that then everything is going to change. Coming out of high school whenever I think about it not much has changed. well the people that I see have changed and my surrounding has changed a bit but I still talk to my best friends. My room mate has been my friend since middle school. I hope that living together won't interfere with our friendship since everyone has those horror stories where they shared a dorm room with their best friend and then they become enemies. I don't think that will happen to us. at least I really hope not. I really do hope that I will soon get over him. this is kinda random but I think about him a lot. I don't even know what is so great about him. nothing really. I guess I still like the person he used to be. USED TO BE is the key word. oh well. I will get over him. Anyways. my continued 6 minutes are about to be up. I hope my blabering was not too stupid and mindless. Oh well! bye bye

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9

After spending almost an hour trying to get my computer at home to work on-line, I finally got here. So what do I say? Well, I guess everybody says that the first time that they do this assignment. I guess all that is going through my head right now is the advancement of the classroom. I am actually fulfilling an assignment by typing on the internet. I think it is pretty cool, though I am a little worried about what the future has to offer. The future is probably a real uncertain thing for me. I do not know where I will be in ten years or even ten months from now. Will college work out for me? Will I change my major from Advertising to Design and back again or will I totally steer from the graphic arts which I so dearly love and take up a new love or hidden talent. Well, I do not know. I guess that it is all the future really is to me, just a bunch of questions with unclear and vague answers. It is probably the same way for everyone else, at least I hope. What else do I want to type on my new fancy Compaq laptop? I don't know? As I ponder this a song I heard today keeps coming out and no matter what I do I cannot get it out of my head. And as the case always is I can only remember a few lines, while I try to hum the rest. "Blue skies -- all of them gone -- nothing but blue skies from now on" and that is all I can remember. When I come to think of it I really never heard this song today or anything, it just popped into my head. It is from With Honors, my most favorite movie of all time. I don't no whether it is the actors I like, the music, or the emphasis on Walt Whitman, one of my favorite poets, along with everybody else. Everytime I take a pause the song starts coming into my head again. When I really listen to the words of the song it is talking about your future, pretty coincidental, I might add. It is almost scary! But that is what I am going to have in my future, nothing but "blue skies". I think that that is too optimistic for my blood. I am usually the glass-is-half-empty-kind-of-guy. And I do not know -- DARNIT I HIT THAT CAPS LOCK BUTTON FOR THE MILLIONTH TIEM AGAIN. I hat that when I am typing really fast and the ideas are flowing and then -WAM- you hit the caps lock button or some other button that makes you take time and fix what is in caps or something else. To totally get off the subject or anything, but it is a really beautiful day out, today. If it wasn't so hot outside I probably would be outside right now, instead of in here typing this - whatever it is? Speaking of being hot. It just me or does it just keep getting hotter as you walk all the way across campus for a class. Well I guess it is better than rain. I always want the grass on the other side of the fence -- my mother says to me all the time. I informed her the other day that I was going to have a better life when I become rich and famous. As I soon found out that I shouldn't have brought up this subject to my mother, because she spouted for the millionth time that the "Grass is not always greener on the other side. " I totally do not agree with that. I just told her that I want things to be better and that you always need to strive for the best and I think that there is nothing wrong with that. My hands are starting to hurt! I think I am going to stop. I feel sorry for the person who has to sit down and read this. Well I bid you farewell. And may all your skies be blue!

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11

I just got out of psychology class like an hour ago so I thought I would do this paper while I am still in the thinking mode. I thought what pennebaker said about how students new to the college experience, like myself are under lots of stress. that is true. and how they are more prone to get sick when they go home because their stress is relieved. but I think I am sick right now because I've been coughing a lot and my nose is all clogged up. I think it's from the air conditioning in my dorm. but I'm not supposed to be sick now, right? anyways I've been here in austin for almost three weeks now and I have had lots of new experiences but I am beginning to get homesick. I miss my mom, dad, and sisters, and the city of houston. I am glad that I have friends from high school here that I can lean on. just ate dinner. it was really good and now I'm really full. my dance class starts tomorrow, can't wait for that. I don't like sleeping on the top bunk, don't sleep very well, been taking lots of naps. probably cause I stay up too late and have to get up early. lots of traffic noises outside. can hear buses. reminds me of when I got on the completely wrong bus the first week of school. I met a guy and have been hanging out with him. he seems really cool. I want to us to be friends but scared he might want to be more than friends. just adds to all the stress. I really need to be at the library studying right now. I think I will go when I finish this. just learned how to play racquet ball the other day. it's really fun, but very exhausting. I am so sore. also my legs hurt from walking around campus so much. I am really out of shape. everybody is concerned about the freshman fifteen but I really don't care if I gain fifteen pounds. it is highly unlikely since I eat like a bird, but I would be okay with the extra weight. I'm not going home until the end of september which means I will be going five weeks without seeing my family. I've never gone for more than a week without seeing them. can't wait to go home and see them and go to a pat green concert in houston. seems like not many people here listen to country music which is mostly what I listen to, although I do like other kinds of music. my twenty minutes is up. got to go!

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17

Okay, I'm starting. I did assignments like this in freshman English back in high school. It was pretty cool. Mrs. Johnson was a great English teacher, but she scared me sometimes, like when she would yell at one of the kids in class to prove a point about what we were learning in class. I really liked that class. I liked the books we read. We were reading Huckleberry Finn, and one of her points she made was over censorship, she took the book away from us. We couldn't even go to the school library to finish it. I guess she got her point across. Another point she made was no matter how little time given for an assignment, you can get it done. Before we read Animal Farm, she split us up into groups, sheep, pigs, dogs, chicken, and we had to have a campaign. This just wasn't any campaign, we really had to work for it. Make up slogans, flyers, songs, costumes, bribes. you name, we were graded on it. We were allowed to decorate all the halls with our flyers. It became really big, Mrs. Johnson and her campaigns. It just kept getting bigger every year. I guess you could say the incoming freshman were getting crazier each year. I didn't really care, each year that went by was closer to me getting away from there. I can't stand it back home. I knew everybody in my school, and they all knew me, so tell my how I ended up with only a handful of people who would talk with me during lunch. I wasn't rude to people. least I don't think I was. Oh, well, I'll never see most of those people again in my life. Yippee! No, that's not the least bit sarcastic. I think sarcasm is a certain type of humor. Only certain people can do it, and only certain people think it's funny. I had to deal with sarcasm all the time in my family. I don't understand how some people say they come from a broken family. Your family doesn't necessarily have to be split up to feel like you've come from a dysfunctional family. I have to live with what my father does, and so does my mom and brother. Big deal, we make it through one day at a time. Like today, I just stopped worrying and went to a concert. It was pretty cool, although I wish I'd gone with someone who wanted to go up into the mosh pits. I know they're dangerous, but, come one, they're fun and you get to get close to the bands. I also went to a concert on Friday night. That one was cooler. The lead band was so cool. The singer was dancing around stage so crazily. It was a really neat experience for me. Only seven more minutes to go. No, I'm not counting. There goes that sarcasm again. Once, for junior English, my teacher had us try what Benjamin Franklin did to better himself, keep a record of all our vises and try to improve upon them. Guess which one was my weak point? Yep, sarcasm and meanness. I can't help it, it's in my nature. I'm not a mean person, I just see things sometimes in a mean way. And you have to voice it, otherwise it just stays inside and festers and then you do become mean. Right? At least that's my superstition. I don't normally go in for superstitions, but this one sounds good for me. Oh, and I say 'Bless you' when someone sneezes, I think it's just polite, I don't believe in the scaring the demons away. I think that's a bunch of bullshit. Man, I can't wait to graduate. I really want to fly helicopters. That's what I'm going to do when I get out of college. Go into the Navy and fly helicopters. It should be really neat. I know neat isn't quite the word I'm looking for, but somehow, I don't think awesome would be appropriate in a paper I'm turning in for a grade, even though you're not going to read it.

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18

Stream of consciousness I have had a very rough week this week. I never dreamed that I would be so busy at college with classes and fraternity engagements; at least not on the weeknights. I feel that the sleep depravation may begin to catch up with me. Perhaps as time passes I will learn how to better manage my time on campus. It does not help that I have little, hour long breaks inbetween all of my classes, and I guess I should use that time to study, maybe outside the Student Union or the FAC building. We had a gentleman from the Learning Center come by the fraternity house and scare me by speaking about high school students whom have come to the university with straight A's and left with D's because they did not know how to study, for this I am a prime candidate. I never studied in high school save for calculus. At least I will not have trouble with Writing papers, as I am quite affluent with the subject. I write a lot in my English class, which is taught by a disorganized hippie. He is a nice man but is very difficult to gauge. This professor also has a very ludicrous way of assessing grades; he uses something called the Online Learning Record. I have yet to figure the whole thing out but it seems to me, that it is a totally fallacious way of determining a student's progress through his own introspection. I guess I am a product of conventional thinking and teaching; maybe the class will be good for me. I feel, at least overall, that my classes are very well taught with the one exception. I have, however, heard that my psychology professor gives very difficult tests, but I am a very good test taker, we'll see. My only real concern so far is time management and maintaining a decent level of sleep, which I have yet to achieve so far. I guess I need to skip a few social events and get some rest, though I have met a very nice girl already whom I like very much; I recently asked her to O. U. weekend and she politely accepted. Hopefully, our relationship will not crumble between now and the time of the game. There is another girl who I feel bad about not asking, though I imagine that she will find another date. We where seeing each other quite a bit before I met the other, though I am sure she does not care as much as I am probably pretending she is. I guess that this is enough, and would like to close by stating that the first two weeks have absolutely flown by, and I am hopeful that my grades will remain high throughout the semester.

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8

I really want to go swimming but I don't want to tell Sylvia that I don't want to see her dumb brother play in that stupid baseball game. I really want to go home this weekend. I know for a fact that my mom would never let me go well maybe she would let me go out with Gera even after I haven't seen her for a while. Maybe I just don't want to go out with him I think that I feel guilty for some strange reason and I can't get the courage to tell Gera. This air conditioner is really bothering me. It makes so much noise and does not cool very much. I am so hungry. My roommate sucks. I don't know why I'm so mean. Maybe I'm just not used to someone always wanting to know everything I do. Maybe she's just too smart and I feel stupid. I'm really hungry. I don't know how I'm going to get to eat if I go with Sylvia and Loni. I wonder if Gera is calling me right at this moment. I wonder how come his dad didn't say goodbye before hanging up. I think I'm making too much noise typing. I get the feeling that I'm disturbing everyone behind me. I can't believe Loni. She just met this guy today and she already has him in her room. I wonder if her parents know the way she is. I still have one more question to do for Economics and I don't really feel like reading. I learned that I should wait to be told what to read before I stress That stress test Sylvia and I took was weird. I think that man thought that my life was pretty boring. I bet he thought I was weird. He could right away tell what was bothering Sylvia. I know that Manny really has Sylvia thinking about him day and night. He's such a jerk. I can't believe what How could someone treat someone that way. Maybe love is blind. I wonder why people around here are so free. I can't believe that girl I say two days ago. She was wearing next to nothing and felt no shame. I assume she must have felt fresh or something but doesn't she have one bit of self respect for herself. I wonder why the lady behind me just apologized to the girl. I had to turn around for a second. I think that I'm a nosy person. I often catch myself eavesdropping on other people's conversations. During lunch today I listened to two complete conversations. I could not believe the things that people talk about. Why does my roommate have to be so selfish. I think that I want to make everyone healthy. I don't know why but I am so self conscience of the way I look. But I hear that is actually average in girls my age. I went all out on this diet until I lost up to 25 pounds and now I think that I am too skinny. but I say this girl today that was a bit over weight and she was beautiful, then why do I gross myself out when I see my roommate eating horrible and then I see her change and I feel that I have to go workout. She gets offended very easily. I don't even tell her anything about her weight or anything related to that subject anyway and she jumps up and becomes aggravated very quickly.

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25

its hard to think what comes in your head naturally when you're told to do it. I wonder what my pledge brothers are doing now. I was having fun. I should've gone to these classes more so I would know this was coming up. I guess skipping class for the band makes it worth it though. when is Chris going to move up here? I hope they don't make me depledge for the band, that's just dumb. its all michael's fault anyway. he's just pissed that he didn't pledge and now he's left out of everything. well that's not my fault. I hope catherine doesn't think I'm weird. I just figured I could ask her to the party cause most girls want dates. maybe she did want to go but who knows now? ill ask cat pat. whatever. i've fallen in love like 30 times a day since I moved in here anyway. I want to play my guitar. college is cool except classes get in the way. if I could just play my guitar all day, id be a happy man. besides, the only way we can consider ourselves growing in intelligence and intellect is when we realize more and more how ignorant we are. animals may not speak to each other in words, but they also don't kill each other for reasons other than food and defense. we do. that's a good thought. I need to put that into a song. we only get smarter when we realize how ignorant we truly are. maybe this paper will be worth a damn. ah well, I wonder if people are going to know I write all the lyrics to our songs? I bet they wont since Michael sings them all. its like the motley crue deal where no one knew that six wrote the words and Vince just sang em. he sucks at singing anyway. I hope he doesn't read this one, I should watch my language. whatever. man is bekker going to call or what? she gets all pissy that I haven't talked to her and now the first chance I get i've called and she hasn't called back. that's probably what she wants though, me to start thinking about her. oh well, she's hot. I which there was a way to write out these blank spots in my train of thought where I don't even know what I'm thinking about. I bet I do but the memory isn't there so I don't know by the time I'm about to type it. I guess I just put those blank spots into words though. good job matt. wow, only half way done. I wonder how my high school football team is doing. I can't believe I made it through that. adolf as my coach for three years?! that's amazing. I'm proud of myself, no one expected someone like me to stick with it. now all the older frat guys respect me cause I played against half of em and I never stayed down. hell, one of them walked on at UT. I wonder if I'm going to be spending the rest of my life challenging myself or if ill one day be secure in how I am. I wonder if I need to be using punctuation and capital letters. I bet his computer thingy is going to mark my paper as something to check cause it wont make sense with the punctuation and capital letters missing. whatever, hell read it and think I think I'm cool since I rambled on for 10 minutes about high school football. I enjoyed that class last time, I need to start going to class every day. damn matt, you're going to screw up college and you're smart as hell. this is why you're stuck home tonight with a twenty minute paper and an astronomy test both tomorrow. I bet I have something in Spanish but forgot. I've been to that class every time though. if every class took roll, I don't think id survive. weird that I never once skipped a class in high school. no detentions, aep, nothing. I was good as hell. I guess my mom working there influenced me at first and then it was just a habit once I realized I owned my mom so I never had any desire to skip. I guess now that the band has a chance to do something good cause were not stuck in Houston anymore I can skip. I see it more like this band is like another person having an internship at a law firm. they want to be a lawyer but their parents made them major in cooking or something. would they skip the internship for cooking? hell no, neither would I. I'm going to skip cooking. or class in general. I'm going to be happy dammit and I'm not happy unless I'm playing in the band. just hope my parents don't find out. maybe if I do well this semester then they wont watch as much next so I can put even more focus on music. who buys a ball of rubber bands? why is this ball here? why am I not on my own computer? why can't they just make it and ship it? this sucks man, johns going to start getting annoyed that I'm on so much. oh well, at least he's not here now. I can't believe he knocked my guitar over this morning. I can't believe I slept through my alarm this morning. I want to sleep. whatever I'm done with this. I'm going to study astronomy now. yet another class that's been avoided.

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28

Here I go, frist off let me think of a topic, how about looking at a country side in the Texas hill conutry. Useraly the frist thing I notce are the ceder trees, and while I like trees, there is something upsetting about ceder trees; they are not native to this part of the country, however they are well adattined to this climet. Sence ceder trees are evergeens they can feed themselfs all year round, which gives them avantivce over the trees that grow here naturaly, such as oaks and jupaters. Oaks and jupaters lost thier leaves in the fall, and both species of trees grow very slowly; aposed to ceder wich grow very fast. Thus the ceder trees have drowed out most of the oak and other native trees. This is upsetting to me because, while ceder forest is nice to look at, it is no where as impressive as an forest made up of old mujestic oaks and jupaters with there beatifull puple and white blossmues. Another thing about ceder is they grow close together and low to the ground, which makes it very hard to walk around in a ceder woolden area. Just think how great it would be to walk aroud in a forest of huge old oak trees over your head, that pervade shade, while still leting a cool wind througt. Yes, it would cerncely make the rolling hills of the hill conutry more beatuifull, and would surely enhace my beatitude, while walking through the woolds.

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Right now I am sitting in front of the computer, completing this assignment. I really wish that I had worked on this assignment earlier. I am now starting to worry because I have to finish Calculus homework and read a few pages for Engineering. And I have to finish that one problem that no one can seem to get. It is bugging me that I left that one problem unfinished. It is also bugging me that I left that problem blank and completed the others out of turn. I never thought about that before, but I do get bothered when things aren't completed in the order that they're supposed to be. Weird. I just had an epiphany. It is really weird how you think of things at the strangest time. Whats also weird is how you can sometimes say a word over and over, and if you say it enough times it starts to sound really weird. Like a word you've never heard before. Take before. Before Before Before Before Before Before. see, it starts to sound really foreign. That is really odd. And it works with every word, too. Hmm. thoughts are all scrambled now. Not thinking of much anymore. I used to think of how much I missed home. now it is not so prominent. I don't think of Roshi as much. I still do sometimes. But it comes and goes. I am not going to let myself get trapped like I have before. It is just a vicious cycle. I feel much better this time. I have somehow learned to overcome sadness. I dunno exactly how it happened, but I have learned to overcome and bypass it. It doesn't consume me anymore like it used to. Now that I think about it, I am really starting to wonder how I managed to do that. Inherently, I think that I can get fixated easily; that right there is a sign that I am bound to get hurt one of these days. And I have. but I have learned. The question is, how? Hmm. oh well. No matter now. As long as I can do it. That is good enough for me. Maybe its the college atmosphere. Being alone and on my own. In a sense, anyway. I look around my room and realize that I do not miss home. I don't know why. I missa family and friends at time, but I don't MISS them. Its weird. Maybe its because I don't consider myself away from them. Mysha said that this was like a camping trip, and everytime we went home was no different than coming back from a vacation. Hmm. i don't think thats so, but it certainly didn't feel too different on Labor Day. Maybe I need to stay away from home longer. Hmm. that must be it. Mysha got me thinking about Roshi again. Hmm. makes me wonder how easy it is to meet people here. It can't be too hard; lots of people have already met people. I jsut need to go and try. Steve knows how to do it, but he has nothing to lose, he has a girlfriend at home so he doesn't care much about making a lot of friends. Comes natural to him though. I honestly think that that is the only thing really bugging me here. I feel an immense sense of confidence, all except for that. I am liking the way I am handling things, liking the way I have kinda built back my work ethic, and liking the fact that I can make my own decisions. I am starting to feel better and better about college life. It is great. Except for all the people. There is something srange about the people here, something difficult to finger. A sort of fakeness. Many people are geniune, but there are others which seem unapproachable. People don't act the way I am used to seeing them act in high school. Maybe that is it. Asians don't act like Asians at home, for one thing. Most other people act the same, but the Asians here don't. A little different. a little meaner? That can't be it though, I really need to meet more and judge. Ugh. i feel like I've just cursed myself for saying that. I really didn't mean that. I am being too cynical I guess. But you can't win them all. I am happy otherwise; I have met a few good friends, I like the campus, and I am close to home. I feel connected in all aspects. UT was probably one of the best choices I ever made. My Dad thinks so. he told me the other night. I always hated when he judges whats good and bad based on what he thought, but he is right this time. He usually is, I've learned. Almost always. I need to learn to respect that. I'm the one who's usually wrong. Oh well. Better late than never. Time for Calculus.

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11

I'm so tired both physically and mentally. I just want sleep, sleep, sleep. I'm so overwhelmed with everything and I can't seem to think of anything but my future. I focus more on how my life might be in the future than how my life is presently. I just feel that it's going to take forever to get where I want to be in life. I don't know why I bother with the future when I have so many things to overcome right now. I just wish I knew how it felt to be completely satisfied. Although, I don't think that is possibleto be completely satisfied. It would make my life seemingly unnatural. What is natural to me are headaches. They are a natural result of stress; stress that is the result of my acknowledgment of my shortcomings. I just want to be truly content with myself and with my life one day. I don't know if that is possible, but I'd like to think so.

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21

As I'm sitting here at my computer I'm thinking about how bad I started off this semester. I know that I should have handled my financial aid situation a lot earlier. Plus not to mention a class of mine got cancelled which threw off my whole my whole schedule. Causing not only a first week of overcrowded bookstores and no parking, but also one of unnecessary involvement in the mass confusion of adding and dropping courses. I'm also thinking how tired I am from staying up all night studying. In the back of my mind I'm hoping to get this work study job so that I can be independent and have money but something keeps telling me it may be too much for me to work and try to stay focused on school, considering how I took 12 hours and worked this summer. I keep smelling my cologne (CK1) that I accidentally poured on my clothes this mourning. A lot more came out then I expected and it has a distinct and very strong smell that overlaps anything else. Had I not been so tired maybe I would have realized that I only needed a couple of drops. Not to mention everywhere I have went today people either say, someone put on to much cologne, or , you smell good. I 'm looking at this clock above the page trying to pace my thoughts and time. I'm also looking at the clock in my room trying to set a schedule for my self that will allow me to do all assignments and class work in a good timely manner. My brain feels cluttered with many thoughts of how much work I need to do. I'm homesick already. I miss my family and I have only been here a couple of weeks. I didn't expect this my sophomore year. I thought it only happened to freshmen. I feel really hungry too. I haven't ate all day unless you call a frappachino from starbucks as a energizer a meal. I feel pain in my knee from over playing yesterday at Gregory. I'm hoping to get a chance to play on the the basketball team. But with my luck they won't have tryouts for the second year in a row. I wonder how all my high school buddies are doing in there schools and colleges. I wonder if they found the transition from high school to college as hard as I did. Probably not because they all play sports. I think if you play sports it makes you work harder because you know if you don't you won't play. I think a lot of people have a misconception of college athletes. they think they have it easy and that they get free grades. They don't. They have a job. there coaches expect them to be robots that never get tired. While fighting through the daily soreness and injuries, they have to try to get school work done. I think that is tough. I have sympathy for them. I hope that I can get everything done today that needs to be done and also I plan on changing my shirt before this CK1 gives me a headache. I probably will never wear CK1 again. I hope all my friends and family are doing well. I plan to get some good sleep tonight also, of course after all my work is done. time is running out so bye.

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I want to see my friends and my parents. can I go home? I lied to my parents. they don't like me too much right now. maybe even hate. I feel sorry. disgusted. hate for myself. I shouldn't have done that. but I'm an adult. ,I should do whatever I feel and they should just except it. turn that music off. my roommate listens to some weird stuff. what is that? it's depressing. I don't like it. it makes me homesick. why? it doesn't even remind me of home. gee, I want to listen to some rap but I'm sitting here writing continuously. is that how you spell it. it's hard to type what you think when you think it. even though they said not worry about grammar and all, I'm still worried. what if the professor thinks I'm stupid because I can't type. what if I am stupid because I can't type. thank got for backspace. anyhow, what is this for. why am I typing this. I need to do it. it's homework. I need to do homework. I feel bad. confused. wrong. should I take notes while I read in my textbooks. I don't know. I feel like an outcast when I don't take notes in my classes. should I? should I be writing down everything the professor says. should I? I'll find out when we take our first test. then when I fail, I can say now I know what to do when the problem could have been solved in the beginning by the teacher saying, please take notes because everything on the test will be from lecture. you bought the book because the university needs another way to spend money they know you don't have. ha! that was funny. okay, where was I. thinking still. I'm hungry. I can't stand the food at jester but I eat it like I've never had food before. it's just there and it tells me eat me fat boy you paid for it so eat it. I try to tell myself to find something descent like the gourmet pizza, not, or the soybean burgers but I keep getting in line to have that crappy stuff ion the choices line. never anything worth getting but I still eat it. Why? I miss home cooking, not that my mother ever cooks but McDonalds serves as a home cooked meal for me since that is what we had for dinner a lot when I was growing up. McDonalds is good. I like the nuggets? barbecue sauce is the bomb. one time I went to McDonalds and they wouldn't give me any barbecue sauce. bastards. anyway, what was I talking about. so, I miss my home. I miss my friends. I called each of them the first week I was here. they all stayed at home to go to college there, or joined the military, or just didn't go to college. Oh well, their loss because it's fun up here. actually, it's fun in san antonio where I live. I would probably not be going through anything like I am here if I were to stay home. I needed this in my life, to experience new things and new people. funny though, there aren't that many Mexicans here at UT. I mean there are tons of Asians, blacks, Indians, and of course white people but there aren't that many Mexicans so I guess there are people other than Mexicans in the world because in san antonio that's all you saw. Mexicans. man my friend jason is so cool. I miss my friends from work. I used to work at cici's pizza, the best pizza value anywhere buffet for only 2. 99 you come and see us. , I always plug the restaurant to whomever I speak or whatever, anyway I don't know why because the food really sucked. yeah, it was bad. really bad. rats and roaches. that's all that comes to mind when I think of cici's. yeah, and pastries. everyone that worked there threw parties. they were the bomb. I went to so many when I worked there. anything and everything went at a cici's crew party although others were invited too. they were fun. I miss people at work. I remember dating this grill I worked with never date anyone you work with. people talk and shit happens and it really sucks. frustration. anger. anyway, that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend now. she makes me cringe. probably because of the shit she put me through but mostly because every time she left me a message she would play a song from the radio. I guess that's why it's hard to listen to the radio and not think of her. disgust. , hate. pity. sadness. mistrust. bitch. I thought she was the one. / no I didn't I just say that to sound normal. she really didn't mean a lot to me only that she loved me so I felt bad that I didn't love her so I told her I really cared for her but I didn't. I lie to everyone I guess. even myself. sadness. silence. hurt. I don't know what else to write. nothing comes to mind only blackness. I hit a chord as I wrote that. is it true. I hope not. I never mean to be dishonest. I only tell the truth to hurt people and that's wrong. not always but I just feel funny when someone feels a certain way and I don't feel that way back. you know? anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that. is there any gum around here? found some it's good. juicy fruit. is going to move you it gets right to you, the taste the taste the taste is going to move you. okay, commercial. anyway, I wish I had a tv right now. I miss cable . I love to watch comic view and BET and MTV and comedy shows. tonight is seinfeld. that show is hilarious although the series finale sucked. very disappointing. I was mad. upset. I had to tape it because I had a band concert that night. band. bad memories. some good. i wish I played better so I could do something with it but I never practiced on my instrument. I never applied myself. another hidden talent gone to waste. what about college. apply myself? hopefully and succeed. want to graduate but not too sure on them probability of it. hope so. want to please myself as well as my friends and family. don't want to let myself down but I don't know if I want it that bad. sniffle. sadness. I want to make my parents proud again before they leave this earth. death. blackness. crying. .

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11

Ok well here I am sitting in my dorm room trying to finish this assignment. Earlier today I had called the student financial aid services because all of my financial aid hasn't come through yet. But now they said it should be getting here anytime soon. And one more thing I still need to do is go get a book for my government class because earlier in the week, they had said that it had been ordered although it wasn't there yet. So I'm probably going to have to go later on today. Then my roommate is going to the football game tomorrow morning. I still don't have a sports package and I didn't buy a ticket so this time I won't be seeing the game. I have a paper due for government on monday concerning my political views and where I come from and who or what has influenced me to think that way. I'm still unsure as to what exactly I will be saying. I just have a couple of ideas written down in a piece of paper. Oh man, yesterday some friends and I went to go work out and for some reason my legs are kind of sore right now. We're probably going again today, but who knows. I'm starting to get a little hungry now, I ate breakfast this morning but I'm getting hungry again. Oh I almost forgot, today is my friend's birthday, I need to call him after I finish this assignment. He is back at my hometown, El Paso, but I'm still calling him to wish him a happy birthday. For some strange reason our room always gets real cold. And then our neighbors have the little thing to control the air conditioner but supposedly they can't move it unless we fill in some sort of request. And then other people down the hall complain that it's too hot in their room. I don't know but whatever. My board here in the room looks kinda plain right now. I was initially going to put up some posters a while back, but I ended up doing other stuff and then I would get lazy, so till now the board still looks bare. All I have is one poster on one of the walls here to my right. And then the curtains we put up kept falling at the beginning but we finally got them to stay. All I need now is to actually get the other pictures I wanted to put up already. Oh and then there's my calendar on the wall too, but that's about it. I'm definitely going to finish that this weekend. Last night our neighbors were making a lot of noise and I just couldn't fall asleep. Soon enough I did though. And then I had to wake up early because I have an eight o' clock class, but I managed to do it. So now I'm just here waiting for my roommate to get back from work because we need to go to the store and I need to get a book. Then she said she wanted to buy some jersey for the game on saturday. While I'll be sleeping in, she will be at the game. she can later tell me how the game went, because last time it was raining, hopefully it won't rain again. Now I'm a bit thirsty, I think I'm going to go get myself something to drink from downstairs. Ok that was all for my 20 minutes. finished.

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9

I'm sitting here thinking about what in the world my friends behind me are talking about, it's pretty funny. we just got finished eating at taco bell, which at the time sounded like a good idea, but i'm now seriously regretting that choice. My friend is quizzing me about what I am typing and it's really messing me up, she can be so obtrusive sometimes. I can't complain though, because I came here to use her computer so I could print off something, so I should be thankful, right? Oh yeah, I'm using proper grammar, hope that wasn't part of the assignment. I just thought about how long twenty minutes is. This assignment could never end. My friend didn't go to class yesterday, so her and her roommate are talking about this, who knew something so goofy could be talked about for five minutes, but who am I to judge, because I do the same thing. Michelle is trying to explain what happened on All My Children to me, not taking into account I am trying to do homework, but the bad thing i actually want to know. I don't feel good, so if this paper is a little weird take into account I am probably delusional from sickness and maybe fever. My nose is running, my throat hurts. Okay now my friend is saying she would have beat me in grade point in high school if she has worked on. she has been saying this for three freaking year, what is the statute of limitations on dwelling? Oh my God, my nose will not quit running, that makes it very hard to type. You ever realize when you are told to write what you think, the pressure makes it impossible to keep your thoughts on logical things. So instead I just keep thinking how, I don't know what I'm going to write about . Now my friends are talking about this show called the rerun show, where they make fun of old shows, this one being saved by the bell. I used to love that show, i can even remember most of the episodes. We are so retarded, I can't believe we are actually talking about this. Remarkably, this conversation has been going on for eight minutes. I actually kept tabs on the little timer thing. Michelle has hairy legs, she keeps annoucing it to everyone, who cares. Although, it is kind of gross because she is wearing shorts. Nobody is talking behind me now so once again my thoughts are on the paper and I am drawing a total blank. When this happens I tend to get nervous and my typing gets extremely bad, so I am having to delete alot. Now my friends are watching me and that makes me even more nervous. Oh I bet this makes for an exiting paper for someone to read, the ranting and raving of a sick, saved by the bell loving freak. Something horribly embarrassing happened to me today, I was telling my friend about how my professor says the word Chicago weird, guess who was behind me. the professor no less, I am not sure i will ever fully recover from that.

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16

I'm bored, da da da da seinfeld is funny I wish I could watch seinfeld all day david reminds me of seinfeld because david is one of the funniest people I know. it's cool he has steph. they're so good to each other, then again, I rarely hang out with both of them together. sweet seinfelds starting. hmmmm, I don't remember this episode, which is weird because I how long is this thing going to last. damn, I'm not far at all so do I just hit the finish button at the end or will it automatically end blah I guess I'll just hit the finish button when it comes blank blank bottles paper sauce ooooo ronin warriors I love the ronin warriors too bad they didn't have the whole set at the store o damn someone just messaged me I should've put an away message on but I never do. should I check it? but then I this won't be a stream of consciousness did I spell that right? o well I spell a lot of things wrong blah idealist eh, I'm an idealist too like seinfeld I wish I could be the next seinfeld I like making people laugh and he also gets paid for it I wish I could get paid for that so I won't have to compromise my beliefs and get a job 5 minutes, 1/4 fo the way through damn and a page of this thing, this thing is going to be long if I keep typing like this yarghh my hair is in my eye and it's itching me I wish I could just shave my head, but I don't like how it looks shaved like in 5th grade then people used to rub my head and it really pissed me off and I really don't want that I wish I could be like john lydon always reinventing himself, the only thing I have that comes close was my spikey hair in like 8th grade and the drab way of dressing too bad I get pissed off at people who dress like me god damn it my hair I want it to sop 7 minutes well shit I'm not even half done this is taking forever I just heard footsteps I wonder if that was roxy roxy so fine damn nose itching making me stop damn eye I need a hat but I really don't like hats the make my hair all flat and crap hard beds like hard beds but I like my tempurpedic one the best it rules and it's so comfortable I bet that was neal I hope he isn't messaging me about dinner just lost what I was thinking but roxy is nice too bad I'm too much of an ass to talk to her I would probably say something stupid and mean if she ever talking to me bad backs she elaine hurt her back I've seen the episode I was right but I think this was an early one blank blank blank jerri blank man she is weird I can't think of her name but she weird like that weird hitler doll she made that just kinda pissed me off damn belsen was a gas is a good song the sex pistols rule I wish I knew what that song was saying but I can't really understand everything rotten was saying good pen that writes upside down 12 minutes ugh almost done 8 more minutes I wonder if my hands will hurt after this they're already tired ugh had to crack it even though it didn't crack so I guess I just stretched it man stretch marks are weird I wonder if I'll get them for some reason even though I won't get crazy pregnant stretch marks but I wonder if I can gain a crap load of weight then lose it to gain stretch marks my roommates making noise I wonder what he is doing I could turn my head but that requires work I don't like work I don't like school school sucks too much work I want to live in a shack in the woods like the Unabomber he had a cool place to live then again I don't have a million in liquid assets like he did so I wouldn't really be able to survive like he did damn he was smart too bad he went killing people otherwise he wouldn't been awesome hehe awesome reminds me of the ninja turtles that show ruled I used to want to be like leo leo was the man then they made the new one and he acts like he has a rod shoved up his ass damn why did they make him such a stiff uhh stiffler that a funny name like a boner man growing pains had that guy named boner on it I wonder if they realized what they did damn jerry's eyes are crazy o god watching it too much sweet almost done only 3 minutes I can sing a three minute song and be done why don't I try I've seen you in the mirror when the story began and I fell in love with you I love your mortal sin your brains are locked away damn it your brains are locked away yarghh why can't I remember I've seen you in the mirror when the story began and I fell in love with you I love your mortal sin your brains are lock away but I love your company I'll only ever leave you if you got no money I got no emotion for anybody else you better understand I'm in love with my self my self, my beautiful self no feeling a no feelings a no feeling for anybody else there ain't no moonlight after mig damn wrong verse but only a minute left guess I can't type as fast as I can sing but I bet if they changed the keyboard that guy and cs was talking about I could type a lot faster stella what was that from why can't I remember I don't watch movies d

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29

I've been thinking and this "freshman fifteen" thing has to be an urban legend. I mean, really, I've never walked so much in my entire life. Everything is about a fifteen minute walk from my dorm so I figure, if I walk to class to my dorm to class to lunch to my dorm, that has to be a few miles just walking the campus. Then I run errands and visit my friends and before I know it I've had an entire week's workout. And then when I have extra time I go to the gym and I know I'm not alone on this because it's always so damn full. For instance, tonight the entire weight room was full and every last piece of equipment was being used. So I know I'm not the only one who walks, like 20 miles a day and still goes to the gym. But let's suppose I rode the Campus Loop everywhere and didn't go to the gym, then would I gain weight? No because the Jester cafeteria is not somewhere I go for seconds. Of course the food isn't the worst I've ever eaten, but I'm definitely not going to over indulge in it. And on top of all of that they post the fat grams at the buffet line. There is no way to ignore the fact that you're eating unhealthy. It's all spelled out for you six inches from your face. Cheese Pizza: 19 grams of fat; Hamburger Topping: 6 grams of fat. How can you ignore that? But I guess these are all positive things because the freshmen fifteen is definitely something I want to avoid. I am willing to eat small portions of not so good food, walk 20 miles a day, and still go to them gym because Gosh Darn It! I will not gain the freshman fifteen. I will not. I won't let it happen. I will break the rules and not follow the fate of college students past. I can't do it. I won't do it. I will not gain the freshman fifteen. Besides, it's just an urban legend anyway.

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I am sitting here with my feet on my subwoofer. I should be reading psychology, my webcam isn't on right now. Jars of Clay is a good band. I don't really have much to write. Maybe I should go to the sophomore versus freshmen football game at Clark's Field right now, but I'm doing this instead. Justin Shih just IMed me. Justin told me to go play football because this assignment isn't due until the 12th and today is the 6th. I think I'm scared about falling behind in college. I've done all my calculus HW the day they came out. I never was this diligent in high school. I have nasty cough, it's been like this for a few weeks now. I hope it gets better. Two of my best friends are in Houston, I don't really have much to do without them here. I'm hungry, haven't eaten breakfast or lunch. God is bigger than the air I breathe, the world we'll leave. This is a song by Delirious?, a band from the UK. I slept in this dorm last night by myself the first time. I miss my parents and my brother. My brother is working in California, and for the first time I feel how much everything has changed. I miss my parents, they have done so much for me. I want to do well in college so that their money doesn't go to waste. I love you mom, dad. I feel a little sad that I can't see my parents whenever I want now. I can't eat dinner every night with them like I used to last year. My neck hurts. I wish I was playing warcraft III right now. I don't understand this assignment. Maybe further on in the course it'll make more sense but right now this makes none to me. These thoughts are not at all coherent. I hope I do okay on my economics quiz on monday. My poker book and chips still haven't arrived yet. I ordered them last week too. I wish people would send me care packages. My roommate just received a birthday present/care package from his girlfriend. I wish I had someone who would send me things. I've written a lot. I wonder if all the papers turned in are this long. This must suck for the TA to read. 400 students turning in non-sensical and incoherent papers. There's that cough again. I wish I could control it. My hands are tired from typing constantly. This assignment sure is long, 10 more minutes to go. I hope I get an A in psychology. if I beg for an A in this paper I wonder if it'll help. Just 9 more minutes to go. I can't think of anything else to write. Maybe this music is throwing off my concentration. Jars of Clay is now playing. they're a good band. Didn't I write about them earlier? Oh well. People don't call me, I wish someone calls me. I'm tired, I could use a nap although I woke up at 1:30 today. I wonder what Michael, one of my best friends, is doing. I should go to his room after this. Just 7 more minutes. I can't wait until this thing is over. Time sure goes by slowly when you're counting it down. I need to go to sleep early tonight, got to wake up early tomorrow. EV Free church is good. I need to check out Austin Chinese Church too though, to see how each compares to each other. I need to do my quiet time today, before I forget. Sometimes I feel like such an inadequate Christian, I have so many failures. I guess no one is perfect. I wonder what my brother's doing right now. It's 1 o'clock or so in California. I wonder if he likes it there. I wonder if I really like it in Austin. or if it's just an illusion. I think I like it here. I have friends, I think, things to do. I don't know. It's all so confusing. Sometimes I just want to hermit and not have social contact at all. I like to live in a big city such as New York because it's busy, but yet I don't' like loitering in big crowds or hanging around large groups of people. I wonder if that's weird, or maybe I just feel inadequate around large groups of people who I don't know. Like last night at CBS I didn't know a lot of people and I drifted from group to group loitering but did not feel like I belonged. Just 3 more minutes left to go in this assignment. It cannot go by any slower. I should go eat something after this. But then dinner is coming up soon. I hope I have time to get some more studying done this afternoon, or maybe tonight. I wonder if this is the longest paper turned in. probably not, there're some girls who can write nonstop. They probably double the length of what I wrote. I wonder if I am even doing this assignment correctly, I don't know how to track my thoughts or feelings, it's like I'm writing in a journal. Oh well. I can't be penalized for trying. just 30 more seconds to go. let's count it down 30 29 28 27 26 25 24 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 done

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I have finally made it to college. I miss my family and friends but at the same time I am proud and happy with the changes that have come as a part of college life. It's is something new. I feel confident that I will succeed here at UT, but most importantly, I want to succeed. I am excited about all of my classes and look forward to gaining the knowledge that each professor has to offer. I sometimes worry about finding my special little niche here where there are so many students. However, each day I feel a little more comfortable with myself and the university. Above all I find myself missing someone back home who I have only known a short time the most. He is a wonderful person with whom I have this extraordinary mental connection. Being away from him has made me think more in detail about how the human mind and the concept of relationships depend heavily upon one another. It makes me wonder what abstract thought can make a person be able to relate everything they see and do someway to another person. I am positive that it is not an obsession but it is something stronger than just a casual feeling. Well I guess I will just have to continue to ponder about the whole situation.