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17

What is love of an emotional basis? How do you know you are in love? Is there a boundary to love? Are there limits? Many people ask these questions, including myself, but cannot find an answer to these questions. I believe that this can only be found out by experience, where you test these limits and grow by it. I have noticed in my personal life that I grow emotionally and mentally each time I find a new partner. Love must be a learning experience right? It seems to be that way. I was first involved in a relationship in my sophomore year of high school, were I felt as if I was in love with this girl. We took it to the extreme where we contemplated about getting married and planning the number of kids we would have. But this form of love seemed to build so quickly. As I looked back at the letters we wrote each other, it seems we fell in love in a matter of a month or two. How cold that be? Does love come at once, or does it grow on you? Nine months later, we ended our relationship. It seemed to be the most painful event I had experienced. I next felt like I loved a girl I barely knew. We dated, but nothing came of this, however the crummy feeling you feel after a relationship is over lasted almost a half year. How could someone I just dated for a span of a month create such an effect on me? By my senior year, sometime in January, I became interested in another girl. By this time I had felt that I had grew and I would be able to make this girl happy, and would not make he same mistakes I did with the last girls. As time passed my love grew for this girl, something I had not felt in so long and so strongly. Eventually (1 year and 1 month) things deteriorated. How could I have let this love slip? I thought I had mastered the relationship sector of my life. During the Summer I met a new girl, whom I am currently with. I don't want to make the same mistake I have before but is it inevitable. Will this relationship be like the others, or will I love her stronger than the other girl?

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6

I am leaving to see my sister at the University of Oklahomea and I will also see my high school friends this weekend. It feels strange going back to my home state. I feel like I have moved on in my life and in just these past four weeks I have matured into a completely different person. I feel that by going away to school I have learned lessons I would never have acquired by going to my state school. It smells like an old lady in my room because my roomate broke a parfume bottle three days ago and the smeel seems to have resided permanently in our carpet. The smell is so strong I can barely concentrate. People in my dorm slam their doors so loudly. It could scare a person in total relaxation. I am late to leave. My friend who is driving was suposed to be here about ten minutes ago. I guess this tardiness is a good thing becaus I need to write my paper. The problem with this paper is I can't type as fast as my brain can think. I hate Instant Messenger. You have it on and people automatically think you want to talk to them. And then after you fail to respond there is this constsnt message Are you there. . Are you there. Well, I guess you don't want to talk to me. This isn't the case at all. It is just that I have too many things going on in my life to sit and have small talk, such as, Oh how is school? I need to acquire better typing skills. That parfume smell is giving me a killing headache. I am glad I am leaving this weekend. Hopefully the smell will begin to difuse into the air. Our room is pretty clean for the first time since school has started. This is probably because my roomate is also gone so, she is not here to leave all her belongings strewn across the floor. Twenty minutes is along time to write. At first you don't think it is a long time, but when you are actually up against clock it seem like eterninty. I have alot to do in the coming weeks. In two weeks, I have my first exams in all my classes. On top of having study, I don't know what the tests will be like nor do I know how to do alot of the material we are covering in chemistry. But I cannot worry about this now or else I will submitt myself into ultimate stress. Yes, I am fligthing instead of fighting. I wonder if I will get to meet up with my parents this weekend. I thought at first when they left me at school that I would miss them uncontrollabley, but in relaity I didnt even cry. I don't know if this is becaus ei just havent allowed myself to cry for them or if I am just truely subconciously ready to mvoe on in my life. My back also hurts. I don't know why it hurts, but it does. I can't remember any activity I have participated in where my back would ahve been injured. Maybe it hurts from running. I am having a mental block.

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22

I am excited about being a columnist, not because I like the daily texan particularly, although I do, it's more about the opportunity it offers since I can go on to write for the DMN or the statesman once I am out of college and I can get internships at newspapers during the summer so It will be more than just bagging groceries or lifeguarding, I'll be able to get better at writing, get some more exposure by writing for them, and get another newspaper on my resume and be able to spend more time in a newsroom, I don't know if I can write columns for a living, it could be a lot of moving, its not a very stable job, I don't want my family to have to move around the country with me but I obviously can't leave them behind and I think I want to have kids at this point, that doesn't mean I actually will when a time comes that having kids would be appropriate but I still can't ignore that possibility because putting my work before my family is no way run a household, but I can't worry about that stuff right now, right now all I can do is leave my options open so I can make good decisions later, so basically all I can do is write as well as I can and make good grades, I don't know exactly how to do either but I do know that both require a lot of work and being willing to accept and actively seeking help from others, that means I need to go to the UTLC finally and see what they can offer me and also try to make friends with other people on the newspaper staff and ask my friends and family to help as well with ideas and editing because no matter how well I can do on my own, I'm sure help from others can only cause improvement, I'm excited about the football games this weekend, as much as I love going to UT home games, an away game means that I can eat while I'm watching the game, it doesn't take as much planning, I can watch it with whoever I want and I don't have to worry about painting myself, the fact that some of the guys who want to do it, sit in the upper deck and we are in the lower deck could make things difficult, I would feel like an idiot if we could only spell tex fig, also, I don't know how well the other fans will respond to our painting, its kind of a hellraiser tradition so I don't want to step on any toes by doing the same thing and sitting almost directly behind them, however, this is longhorn football and there's nothing wrong with getting excited and getting other people excited, I'm a little worried about what I look like without a shirt and there's not a whole lot I can do about that before the next game but I'll do what I can, I'm bored with classes already, I havent really had enough free time to get bored with the social scene since I am spending a lot of my time trying to get the appartment set up so I can actually live in it, its not much use to me otherwise, but it seems like the more I do, the more crap keeps going wrong which makes me feel a little helpless, I've never lived by myself before and I havent lived away from home for that long, I've always been very dependent on others, especially my family but now my sister lives in lubbock and my parents live in dallas and none of my friends live in the same building as me since I don't live in a dorm anymore, I miss that aspect of living in public housing, the extra space and privacy is nice and is helpful sometimes but a lot of times, having other people around is helpful and that has become more difficult and also when people come over, they don't want to study, they usually want to play halo or do something so seeing my friends has become time consuming so I guess the solution to that is to get things done while I'm with them like by going to the grocery store or target, I need to get some groceries, I don't think I know how to shop yet, I still havent made a grocery list longer than 12 items and that's not enough when I go to the store once a week at most, I'm sure things will get easier once I get used to living by myself and living in this appartment but I'm anxious to get to the point where I am secure with my living situation, my friends, my schedule, and better at time management

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I am sitting in my dorm room listening to my roomate talk on the phone to her boyfriend. I have just finished studying and everything i have just read is all jumbled in my head. I am thinking about the weekend and what I am going to do because my roomate's sister is coming to stay with us. She is a junior and has just come out and said that she is depressed. I want to take her out and make sure she has a good time. However, I went to my chapter meeting tonight and they told us that this weekend we were having out pledge retreat and a field day on Saturday. I have so much to study for and so much reading and I have to entertain a 16 year old girl. I don't know how I am going to get everything done. But I know that everything will work our because it always does. I am listening to little pieces of information about my roomates conversation and am very curious as to what is going on. It sounds very interesting. I am just thinking about everything that I need to do and all of the people I need to talk to. It is so difficult when you have to talk to all of your friends from your hometown and talk to your mother while trying to go to class, meetings, and everything else. It seems there are never enough hours in the day. My roomate is offering our room to a couple of her friends to come stay at our dorm this weekend. The girls are extremely annoying and I think I will have to find somewhere to stay. Hopefully our retreat is overnight. It has been alright with my roomate and I. He were best friends in Elementary school but things do change. I came in the other night and she was drunk and was trying on my clothes. It pissed me off but I can't say anything just because she is too nice. She left this weekend and went to San Antonio and stayed with her boyfriend. They got a hotel room for the night. It was nice having the room all to myself. I have my entire schedule with a boy who I went to high school with. I was shocked at first but now it is very helpful. We can tell each other and remind each other about assignments and other things. I went to my FIG class today and felt like I was back in the fifth grade. He assigned us a project where we have to create a shield. The usual what you like, a word that describes you, and other stuff to that nature. I finally talked to my ex-boyfriend today for the first time in a couple of weeks. We broke up because we were going to different colleges and he couldn't handle it. He is too much of a guy. Everyone went home this weekend in my dorm and I was all alone. Our room smells like chinese food because we can't take our trash out until Thursday so until then it stinks. I still have not done an laundry yet because out dorn is out of special laundry cards. I need to go to the grocery store to buy more folders and drinks. I will probably leave and go with a girl who lives down my hall. I am excited that I don't have class tomorrow until 2:00. We have a Theta mexican lunch tomorrow that I am taking my best friend to. Everyone in my pledge class is so caught up with Jenna Bush. I almost think people joined it because she is in it. She is just like every other girl in that room with the exception that her father is the President of the United States. At our meeting tonight the Secret Service was there. That part if kind of cool to see them. It gives you a sense of security that you are protected as well. All of the girl in my pledge class are really nice. I met the sweetest girl down my hall. I am going to her Grandmother's 75th birthday party in a couple of weeks somewhere near Dallas with her. My computer keeps messing us and the pointer is going to the middle of the page. My suitemate just made popcorn and is offering it to us. It smells incredible.

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7

What's on my mind? Right now I am in my friends room, one who I met this year. Her names is Si Nae Kim. The thoughts on my mind as I type are, "mmm. this chocolate is so tasty". I love chocolate and I choose to eat it as much as I want to until I come to the realization of how fat I am and how much fatter I am going to get if I continue to eat chocolate the way that I do. There's this thing that my friends and I call a train thought and this is when one thought leads to another. The thought about chocolate making me fat leads me to think about my eating habits in college. My mother warned me not to eat unhealthy foods, not to eat late at night, and not to snack during the day. That statement replays in my mind over and over again, every time I pick up something to eat. Yikes! Well, now I'm just thinking about how I can lose all this weight. Should I go work out, jog, do aerobics, or should I just read my books. I am just so lazy that I can't ever seem to go workout. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I only have one class from 3:30 to 5pm. I spend the rest of the day either sleeping or attempting to do my homework. These activities don't take up my entire day and I do have time to workout. However, I am just too lazy. Now the thought of how tired I am has just hit me. All day I have been reading, trying to catch up on my assignments that I have fallen behind on. My eyes are puffy and I can feel them starting to close on me. My body is giving out on me too. Trying to right this paper, which I almost forgot about, is taking a lot of energy from me at this point. It's interesting to see exactly what's coming out of my mind so freely. I can't wait to read this after I'm completely done. Hmm. I wonder if this paper is actually going to be graded in any academic point of view. I wonder how hard the test is going to be. I wonder if I really have to read all the chapters or if I can just rely on Mr. Pennebaker's lectures. I hope I don't fail psychology class. I hope that I pass with an A. Wow, I feel like I'm just babbling now. Will this paper get too long? My mind seems so boring up there. The things that are coming out on paper right now are so boring and useless, but this is what I was told to do. I'm trying really hard to type without stopping but it's hard. Well, I have about five minutes left. What else is on my mind? Should I go to my biology discussion class tomorrow? We didn't really do much the last time and it isn't mandatory. Oh well. I wonder how my family is doing in Houston. I wonder if my sister misses me. Actually, I know that she misses me because she told me so. I wonder if I'm going to meet any one cute anytime soon. I wish I had a boyfriend, but then again, it is kind of fun being single. Then I don't have to worry about being held down. This is college, a whole new world of opportunities to meet new people, to discover myself. Wow, I'm so overwhelmed at the thought. I don't know if I am completely used to the whole college idea yet. Oh my goodness, I met my exboyfriend today. What a small world. I thought that I would never see him again. Oh, you probably don't want to hear about that stuff though. I wonder how my best friends are doing back at home. I miss them a lot. I feel like I left everything behind. I feel like I'm away at camp or a long retreat. I feel like that life almost never existed, that the whole thing was just a fantasy. I feel like I've been living here, in Austin, for a really long time. Wow, my thoughts are really random and still boring. What a boring life I lead. argh! I kind of want to go partying, but I'm afraid that I'll get addicted and then I'll eventually fail out of college. What a bright future. yeah right! I love dancing, I really regret not taking it in high school, but hopefully I won't make that same mistake again in college. College, where the doors open up to new adventures. This is the real deal, this is pretty much when everything counts. It's going to lead me to my future. Well, my time is up now so ta ta!

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Today my aunt Caroline came up to visit me. she was on a trip out here for business meetings. She told me a bunch of stories about her life at UT when she went here 25 years ago. she told that she was almost raped by a serial rapist the police had been trying to catch for two years. He had been stalking her for weeks, and she never even knew. the only other person I knew who this had happened to is a friend of mine who had an abusive boyfriend who would rape her on a daily basis. she's finally doing a lot better, but still has kind of a loser boyfriend. guys are just weird that way. I've been going out with the same guy for close to two and a half years now, and it looks like we might get married! I'm really excited about that, we've had lots of plans about various things, but I don't know. we want a house and kids and that whole thing. today in art class, one lady had a quilt as her piece to express an emotion and it really brought me that sense of home. It was so pretty, it had a floral design, but also had these powder green and white solid pieces. It really made me feel at home and almost at my grandma's house. she's got a quilt her mother made, and it is about seventy years old. It was made from material of old clothes that no one fit into anymore. Their family was so incredibly poor that they lived out in the countryside, and worked in the fields. my grandmother has told stories of her life, some gruesome and some amazing. she used to be the one to cut off the heads of the chickens they ate, and it was nothing to her just normal. other times she can remember riding through the country side on her horse where there are now huge freeways and shopping centers. I often wonder what it would be like living back then. she gave me a magazine clipping of how life was like as a teacher back then (she was a teacher, and I am going to be a teacher) and I’m am really glad that we are well on our way into the twenty first century! they used to not be able to be married, have children, they had to go to church every Sunday, clean the classroom at least once a week on their hands and knees with a hand brush, and all these other gruesome things. the only thing I have to worry about are the guns and cuts that go on in the schools (maybe it would be better to go back to the old days, huh?) I want to be an art teacher, but I’m not sure how that will all work out. my major will allow me to be an artist but with an all-level teaching certificate on the side. so. I can either be a starving artist or a starving teacher! (both kind of sad) however, I don't really want to have to be out there working, I’m more of a homebody, and want to be the typical housewife. everyone I know thinks I’m crazy, but that has been my goal (perhaps "dream" is too strong a word) ever since I can remember. I have also wanted five children since the time I was about eight years old. I actually come from a family of four children, so maybe the fifth I want is an unconscious way of somehow "outdoing" my parents. that has often worried me because it's kind of what it sounds like, but I really don't feel that way. my parents were actually the ones who first brought it up, so I don't know.

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20

camping was fun. got a little too drunk. I think I'm getting sick though. sore throat, headache, the usual routine. no worries. I hope I can be as happy as those people we camped with. even though they were kinda old they were still really cool. and they were partiers. it's wierd to think that peopole so different in age can totally relate to each other. I thought it was going to be a boring weekend but I think I actually learned a lot. I hope that when I'm that old I can still appreciate life as much as they do. they were just so gracious for everything they had even if it wasn't a kings life. and that one guy was the shit. I can't imagine being shot out of a cannon. he must have some great stories. I hope I can see dustin tonight. that would be bad ass. but I would really really like to see a sunset too. I'm definatley lacking in the sunset category. but I don't think the ones here will be nearly as good as el paso. damn I miss el paso. I miss the desert. I could go for laying in the bed of a pickup truck and watching the stars while listening to good music. maybe some live acoustic shit. bongos and guitars. that's the shit. I love gummy bears. the white ones are the best. but the other day we got a really weird one. it was big and gflat and tasted fujnny. but it was good. it was so good that we even split it between three people. so d'lane and I met this guy deniz. I don't know about him. I have hella ant bites. they suck. all ants should die. a painful, painful death. I need to paint my toenails. that will be fun. I love my new fish clarence. he's so cool! but he's a very deepo sleeper and he likes to play dead a lot just to mess with my mind. I hate fish! but for some weird reason I really like that guy. but I miss my kitty a lot. that's a bummer. well I think it's been 20 minutes.

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27

For some reason I am very tired. Ever since I have been up here I always feel tired. Some days I don't do very much so it does not make sense for me to be very tired. I also get very bored sometimes. I can think of absolutely nothing to do. I wish I had my computer so I could save this so later I can see what I wrote. I thought I would be doing more and going more places when I got up here. My friends that I am always with up here are not very active and exciting. I miss my best friend a lot. I don't miss home, just the people there. I also miss my very, very good friend who goes to school in Indiana. I miss him so much. I think about him all of the time. I miss him more and more each day. He is just my friend, so I don't know what is wrong with me. We became a little closer over the summer. Some people that I know think that we should date. I don't know. I think I might like him, but I sometimes feel that I shouldn't. I don't know. I miss him so much. I worry about him all the time. I also worry about my brother and my sister very much. Hopefully, I will get to visit Justin in Indiana for Thanksgiving. However, he might come home. I really hope that he does come home. If I go up there I will get to see real snow. I like it up there very much. I don't know why. I have been twice. I really like his friends up there. They are great guys. We have lots of fun together. All the guys who go to his school are gentlemen. I have told myself that if I don't like it here this year that I will transfer next year. But, I love it here, even though I get bored sometimes. I love Texas. Justin hates it for some reason. He thinks I should transfer to a college near Indiana. I have thought about it. The only thing is that I like it here. If something goes wrong I might transfer. I would love to be closer to him, but anything I have ever done for a guy has turned out bad. One should only do things for oneself and one should only listen to their own heart. I'm not sure what my heart is telling me to do, yet. See, I need to quit thinking about him so much and concentrate more on school and studying. This is what I came to college for. To study and learn, not in search of a relationship. I need to remember to go to Mezes and sign up for experiments. I wish we didn't have to do that, but it is much better than writing a 5 page paper. I have never been able to write research papers well. I can write stories and essays well. Oh! I just finished the best book ever. It is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I love it so much. I think Jane Austen is my new favorite author. I am now reading Emma by Jane Austen. It seems like it will be a great book, also. I think 20 minutes are over. It sure did go by rather quickly. Bye!

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28

At this very moment I feel anoyed and somewhat angry at what I see everyday. For example, there was a notice on my apartment door that I read after coming home from school. It stated that there was a homicide in the apartment complex. about 3 days ago there was another notice that warned about an armed robbery nearby. When I ride the Ut shuttle busses to school, I notice that now a days there is no sense of courtesy, nobody thanks the driver and students don't even bother to notice traffic when crossing streets. everyone is too caught up in their own little worlds to even show some form of humane decency. I don't know why I get angry when I think of this, maybe I pay too much attention to things I shouldn't. I have always disliked people but loved individuals, but what can be done to improve or avoid ignorence bbut to simply choose not to act irrational. enough of that. Now I am beggining to think of all the things I must do. I feel rather confused because I don't know if I should quite my job. It is not easy at all to be a full time student and work over 30 hours a week as a waiter at Antonios Tex Mex. On top of that, I just moved from apartment complexes, and I have not completely finished orginizing my stuff at my new apartment. There is an empty Burger King bag infront of me and I feel guilty. You see about 1 year and 5 months ago, I used to be very fit, I mean I had it all. I'm 6 ft. tall, and during that time, I weighed about 200 lbs but out of pure muscle, I was scorching hot. That is around the time I meat my girlfriend (I hope you don't think this is cheesy) and so we got together; about five months passed, and I just ballooned into 265 lbs. The reason I stated earlier that I felt guilty for eating the burger was because I am trying to get back in shape. And I also feel bad because I know that my partner worries about my health. But I do get satisfaction and happiness due to the choices I've made in my life, I chose to stay in school and never do drugs, also I have a person who has been with me in great times as well as tough times, and has had love for me in my horrible looking days as much as in my good looking days.

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As I sit in this library for the first time in my entire life, I feel as if I don't belong here, in this setting. I'm not usually the completely studious type so I'm just trying this library thing out. It's really deathly quiet and I'm not used to the absolute silence that surrounds me. I feel quite rude as my typing is unusually loud in this setting. I hope people around me aren't annoyed by this "tapping" as I am. I'm sitting alone in the corner, but at least I'm next to the window. I picked this spot as to not go completely crazy and be bored. People watching is fun. it's interesting to me how every single person walking around outside has their own story, their own point of view and I often wonder how different it is from my own. I haven't had any quiet time or alone time to myself since I've moved up here to Austin and just now, I realize that I indeed do miss it. I think I'll visit the library by myself a lot more often from now on. next time, I should remember to bring a jacket; I feel like I'm turning into a humansicle. but I don't like walking all the way from my dorm to here. it's quite a walk. I really should learn how to use the bus system here. I'm used to having the comfort of my car. the comfort I've had for four years. I miss it. I went home this weekend, the very first weekend after school started. it's not because I missed home or I was homesick or anything. I've been away from home for much longer periods of time and have never even thought about home much. like this summer, my 5 weeks overseas, I don't think I even thought about my family or home-life all that much. As horrible as that sounds, I'm not the type to miss my family or anything. anyway, I just went home this weekend because I felt that my dorm room was too bland and I wanted to bring up more stuff. I ended up coming back up to school with a huge suitcase and three boxes worth of crap that I should have thrown away. instead, this wonderful crap adorns my newly decorated dorm room walls and desk area. it looks so much better. I also got a new webcam. my mother had one at home that I wanted to bring up but she said she used it a lot so she ended up buying me another one. My mother's a funny person. She came to the states during her college years about 20-something years ago. I wonder how her college experience was. It must have been hard. I can imagine living in a country where no one understands what the heck you're saying. I've experienced it. still, she managed pretty well, I suspect. she's just that type of person. she has a really strange accent though in her English. Normally, Asian people have a really "fobbish" horrible sounding accent but she has a peculiar twang to it to make it sound incredibly different. It's not a perfect English accent but it sounds slightly European. I don't know why. My mom is a very peculiar person. Oh, going back to the webcam thing. I think one day I was using her computer at home and I looked at her picture folder. There were all these webcam shots of her smiling and trying to look cute in several different outfits. I almost fell out of my chair laughing. My mom is so cute. I believe she chats more than I do online to her friends. We've never chatted before but now that I'm not home, we've started to talk online through MSN messenger. It's incredibly awkward and a strange experience but I'm sure I'll be accustomed to it soon. My mom's awesome. I wonder how many of my friend's moms chat online to them. NO ONE. well, no one that I've met anyway. Now I've run out of things to say so I'm slowly gazing around this room. I'm next to a beigish wall. I don't think I enjoy the color beige too much. I wish I had better posture. typing on the computer makes me slouch. sitting back while reading makes me slouch. eating makes me slouch. I think I'm just a natural sloucher. I want to grow at least two more inches though. I look taller if I'd stand up straight but it's so hard. I also heard stretching makes you taller. I should try that sometime. I always say I'll start things and never do. Or usually I start things that I never finish. I wonder if it's a kind of disorder. there are a lot of books on the shelf that look amazingly old. I should go flip through some of them before I leave. they look interesting. I like that old book smell. I don't know why. it'll probably make me sneeze. someone just walked past me and we both sort of glanced at each other. I should have smiled or something. I feel so rude and mean. I think I look mean when I feel emotionless or I'm not making any faces on purpose. my mom says Asians naturally look angry all the time. maybe it's true. I should smile more often but then I feel like an idiot if someone sees me just smiling to myself. oh well. it's college now, I'm sure nobody cares and there are weirder people than me here anyway. time's up, I'm done.

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21

I wonder why the Braves got swept by the Mets, the Braves are awesome and the Mets roster is full a bunch of nobody's this sis the second day in a row that I have smelled tuna fish in the hallway they call Bill Parcells the big tuna and he looks really funny because he has a regular body and a extremely large waist their was a girl in my class today that looked kind of like Bill Parcells with long hair everytime I looked at her I saw Bill Parcells face super imposed on her face every day for the last week some chinaman has called my cell phone and when I pick up he talks Chinese, Vietnamese, or some language from the orient until I hang up I wonder if he knows I don't speak Chinese my math teacher is very similar to the man who calls me because when he teaches math its in Chinglesh and its hard to understand him I wonder if my math teacher is the man who keeps calling me on my cell phone I was sleeping a minute ago and then my roommate came in and that is when I smelt the tuna again I got my ticket for the Arkansas game today and it only took 5 minutes that was great I saw Cedric Benson and Huston Street today they were both walking with hot blondes Neil Young has creepy sideburns but he is a great musician my roommate downloaded one of those virtual girls off the internet that does a strip tease on your desktop and it kept him entertained for hours it was cool I wish I could play the violon or some instrument their was a kid at my school who was a all state oboe player I heard him play one time and it sounded like crap but I guess that means he is really good my history teacher from high school was hot even when she got pregnant she was hot I love history its weird when you think about people you know really well because then awkward thoughts pop into your head about your grandmother in a swimsuit my mouse just fell off my desk and is now cracked I wonder why its called a mouse I should now the answer to that question writing what I think makes me want to think about nothing I wonder if my sisters are having fun at their new school I love my little sisters I miss wrestling with my little sisters I would always let them win

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Today was pretty rough. My bio test was incredibly hard and I don't know yet what to think about that chemistry quiz I just took. I've got this spot on the top of my foot that is rubbed raw from my cheap flipflops. I'm really hungry. I wonder if we'll go out to eat tonight or just go to the cafeteria. I only have one class tomorrow, thank goodness. I need a break from school but I find it hard to concentrate on work. there's so much more to do around here. my roommate is never around but I don't mind because my suitemates are awesome. I don't know what to put in this thing. Tyler came to visit me for labor day. we're not 'together' but we're still really good friends. maybe sometime we will be but I don't want a serious relationship right now. Esp. not a long distance one. Tulsa isn't THAT far. But it's still a trek. Esp. since I don't have a car. I have to get a 3. 8 to even consider getting into med school. I hope that bio test didn't just screw me over. everyone's like "oh it's only your first semester" but I don't have time to screw up. my family doesn't accept failure. my parents were both brilliant and so is my older brother. I guess if I screw up it'll give the younger 5 kids a little breathing room. give them an opportunity to be 'average' and not feel bad about it. my main problem is procrastination. notice how I'm writing this 'paper' the day before it's due? not to say that I haven't had a lot going on. Because studying for that test was definitely important. 20 minutes is pretty long when you think about it. I can be on the phone for 2 hours straight with no problem, but just typing for 5 is already killing me. I hope psychology is one of my easier classes. I took it because it interests me and I needed some sort of break from my math and science courses. I've been really stressed and I eat junk all of the time. I think I'll go running tonight. but I've worn all of my Sophie shorts around the dorm so they're dirty. And I haven't done laundry yet. I've never done laundry before and it kind of freaks me out. my mom has been a stay-at-home-mom my whole life so she did all of the little things. pack my lunch, make after-school snacks, organize the family's schedule. it was pretty rough trying to organize everything when all 7 of us kids lived at home. But she always managed. as I earlier stated, she's brilliant. my dad works for shell. not like at the gas station or anything but downtown Houston. he does computer stuff. And that's the extent of my knowledge about his job except that he's an IT manager and yeah. veronica is making popcorn and it smells SO good. my blinds are closed so they leave streaks of light across my keyboard and monitor. It's annoying but peaceful at the same time. I have road rage. so I guess it's a good thing I don't drive around here. too many pedestrians and bad drivers. I'd probably get an ulcer or get shot for screaming at the wrong person. I want ice-cream. or pizza. we had McDonalds yesterday. Daron thinks their food is gross but I love it. Sarah and Meghan were going to do dancing sometime. I think this weekend?. So that'll be fun. I suck and dancing, but whatever. who really care? there's a quote I like "those who care aren't important and those who are important don't care". :) I love that. my other favorite quote is "a life of love will have some thorns but a life without love will have no roses. " that's helped me through relationships and crap- my sister Erica taught me that quote. she's cute. Looks just like me! ha just kidding. she's a senior in high school and it would be awesome if she came to UT next year but she wants to go to a small east-coast college or to a Mormon one in the Utah Idaho region. wherever she goes she'll be great. my older brother, Bryant, is serving a church mission in Italy but he'll be back at UT in 2 years. Kevin is probably one of the smarter of my brothers. he's in high school and wants to be an architect (sp?). then there's Kara. she made the volleyball team (7th grade) and I'm so proud of her. I tried out when I was her age and didn't make it. Because I sucked. And then I was too embarrassed to try out in 8th grade, which I regret. Steven just started middle school. I'm worried about him because he's such a little, sweet kid. he's completely sarcastic and hilarious, but you have to get to know him or he doesn't talk much. Shannon is the baby of the family and my mom said she's just like me. ha-ha poor kid. but she's loud and obnoxious and doesn't take crap from anyone. she's funny and flirty and has all kinds of friends at school. I used to be completely shy so I'm so proud of her for being the outgoing type. she picks up crude phrases from me and the older kids in the house, though, and so that's no good. I like my dorm. some of my friends stay in these crappy small dingy places and I don't understand why they'd pay for that crap. gross. plus community bathrooms freak me out so I love sharing the toilet/shower with just one other person. 2 more minutes on this thing. Gosh. I bit off my nails the other day and so now they hurt. Which doesn't help when I'm typing long papers for psychology. do grammar and punctuation and sentence structure really matter for this assignment? I sure hope not. I figure it's not English class and since I'm fairly good at keeping my grammar understandable, I should be fine. 10 seconds! that is all for now. adieu (sp?) adieu. Whatever.

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18

ok, so I guess I just type here. for twenty minutes. Hrm interesting you know I think this will get very boring really fast. (and my roommate asks "so you just write? anything? crazy dude") wow. I thought at least something would come but er. Never mind. I do not know really what to write about. great and only a minute and a half into it. er. hrm, maybe write about this computer, or the fact that I do not have one yet. that sucks. in college and I have to either go to a lab or use someone else's computer while constantly I see others around on their own machines. I have a phone call! yay. my 'mentor' telling me about an event in front of ECJ. weird trying to type and talk at the same time about two completely off different things. eh. phone's off. coming on five minutes now. almost. So I was early. you know this can't all be that interesting typing for a solid twenty minutes. most of these papers must be extremely boring. unless someone goes off and just starts telling a story or something. hrm, sounds like maybe something to do. well, it all began a long time ago. well, long in the sense that they were young when it began; that time period to others may just be what they consider a few years or so. (did you know that is you try to hit tab to indent it takes you out of the typing window. very annoying I must say) (I need a name. Er, Samsung monitor, ok the character's name is Sam) Sam had been a small child when his father disappeared, therefore he had little memory of him. all he could think of was being told stories as he was falling asleep or going to the occasional trip to the park. nothing really stood out to tell him what his father was like. many others that had known his father would tell him that he was an odd person, constantly coming up with random ideas or running off to work on something new and exciting, except that no one ever knew exactly what he ran off to do. they also told him of when his father was younger; he would disappear for days on end, supposedly off camping or exploring by himself, and would return different. how different, they could not quite say, but something changed in him. , not always for the better. often he would come back slightly depressed or would remain to himself for weeks, but after time, he would return to his energetic self. (I notice I seem to misspell quite a bit and even though I try to catch and fix the word as I type it, some words do get through without my notice and I'd rather not go back and change them. Also I tend not to capitalize much when typing. this is probably due to the fact that I have grown to accustomed to writing in Word and it will capitalize certain things automatically; that and I am usually too lazy to remember to do so. ) After Sam's father disappeared the last time, his mother fell into a strange illness. there was not a doctor who they could find who could explain the sickness. it was as if something from another world. Something definitely there but not

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Got a Beatles play list going in Winamp. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds first up. Possibly my favorite. I remember back senior year of high school, I gave Jamin crap for liking The Beatles. Stat bwaahaha. Moreover UIL math and science bwahaha. Hey, Kilborn has that guy from Office Space, I think his new movie is Little Black Book. Doesn't look too good. Napoleon Dynamite is funny, I should take Jennifer to see it. I should call Jennifer sometime tomorrow before she calls me, if she calls me tomorrow. Last weekend was cool, hanging out with her like every day. Ah, Strawberry Fields Forever next up on the play list. ;Staring at the empty Sonic bags on the floor I like Sonic. Saw Saved yesterday, kind of hits the spot somewhere inside. Not having a religion isn't bothering me as much as I think it should, but then why should it? Still have two pages for HIS discussion tomorrow. Discussion sections for HIS, American History 1492-1864?? Just talking about history. Boring. Talking about the mind and why we think. Interesting. Ooh, good song now, Come Together. I wonder if there will be a keg tomorrow afternoon? It's always nice coming back from class, taking a nap-a-roo, grabbing some grub, and filling' up a cup. I ordered a BMX bike tonight. Ok, from that pre-screening thing today that took way way longer that 1. 5 hours, but that's probably because of my connection, it has been crappie' up all day, absolutely ridiculous, we live in an age where technical difficulties like these shouldn't be. Anywho, yeah so mark me down for a little anxious and nervous about this recent BMX online purchase tonight. I got an email verification and all but when I typed in the tracking package number, nothing showed or came up, so. A little worried. Next song, ;drum rolls please. Let It Be. Sears Tower? 24. 305? Strawberry? Crazy things went down today, cops on motorcycles, people slamming into the back of other cars, anti-freeze spraying all over the place, high speed chase, people being arrested, all before logic?!?!?! You know it's sad but true. Next song, Eleanor Rigby. Good commercial, Corona Light, mmmmm. I should play golf sometime. I have one "Pimp My Room" upgrade point. I don't really mind letting my fellow co-opers use my truck, just don't mess up the trust, right? At least they lock the doors. Gas though? Other perks? Will it last all semester? All year? I find it interesting because I don't know the answer to that. Last song, Revolution. Welp, the pop-up just told me my 20 minutes is up, so I'm out!

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14

For the past couple of weeks, I have been wondering about one question: Why am I here? As I go from class to class I look around at all the other students just like me standing around like they are waiting for something. What are they waiting for? Should I be waiting for something? A lot of changes have happened to me in the past 3 weeks. As these changes take place, I wonder, "I guess this is what everyone is supposed to do. Everyone gets caught up in doing what is expected from everyone else. If I were to ask someone as I walk by, "Why are you here at UT?" an overwhelming majority would probably reply by saying, "I don't know" or "That's a good question. " So with that said, I ask myself, "Why am I here?" I guess the reason for everyone to go to college is to make a higher salary than someone who doesn't go. If that is true then why is it that some of the richest people in the world did not go to college? Michael Dell is a prime example. He is not your everyday college dropout. He is making more money than probably 97 percent of college graduates. So is college a way of evening everyone out? Someone could have had big dreams of starting their own business and carrying out the American Dream; whereas someone else could be forced to go to college by their parents, end up graduating in the middle of the class, but still hold the same kind of job as the person who wanted the American Dream, but got it spoiled by being "brainwashed" in college. So what exactly does "brainwashed" mean? Everywhere I have been in college, there are professors talking about, "When you graduate, you can get a job at a big important firm and then you'll be set for life. " NONSENSE. I don't want to work for someone. Nevertheless, everyone starts to agree with these statements and go to a business, get an ok paying job, settle with where they are, and never look back to see where they took the wrong turn. I don't want to have to "use" my degree when I "get a job. " I want to hire other people to use their degree. On second thought, I'm glad professors tell college students to find a job with a big company when they graduate. That big company is going to be me.

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15

Well, it's becoming quite obvious to me now that the homework is beginning to pile on, but I'm perfectly okay with that because of all the stuff I went through last year in school. I did one of these for my psy class in high school and I remember some of the stuff I wrote about was quite funny, but hey, it's a stream of conscience. I actually love doing these kinds of things because for the majority of the time, the way we think is a stream, and it's never-ending. I really want to play tennis sometime soon, but today I just don't have the energy. I wonder when I'm going to get physically ill from staying up so late every night, and changing my habits a great deal. I'm getting quite used to the college way of life now. It's rather scary that I'm becoming more and more comfortable with calling my Jester dorm "home". I definitely miss my bed in my real home. I wonder what else I have to do tonight. I love having all the assignments, tests, papers, quizzes, etc. ahead of time so I can plan ahead and not be able to blame my teacher if I forget something. This is really good for typing practice. I love my schedule, yeah tomorrow's a terrible day for classes, but aren't all Mondays terrible. I can't believe my hand is cramping up already. That has got to be a bad sign. Sometimes I really am not sure if I'd want people to know my stream of conscience. At times it can make people sound very stupid, like now. I'm very excited I received a call from Jeff tonight, he's such a great friend and I haven't seen him or talked to him since I left Albuquerque. That's a terrible word to spell, but hey, living there my whole life I should be able to do it in my sleep. Oh, sleep, that sounds like a great idea. I am way too tired to do anything, but that's when I need to force myself, and just get into a studying groove. I'm really not looking forward to the noisy people that will be hanging out below my window tonight, playing guitar, singing, talking loudly, until early hours of the morning. Then I'll have to call down to the Jester desk again and complain. They must hate me by now. I wonder when I follow up for the psy experiments. My roommate has way too much stuff around her desk, but she lets me use her computer, so it's a fair trade. I love typing, although crazy as it may sound, I do. I am just itching all over. I want to go outside, but I really don't feel like leaving the comfort of my room and face the people of Jester. I am terribly blind with out my glasses or contacts. I really need to call in my contact prescription tomorrow, so I can actually see. I feel that I've been more tired lately because I haven't had my contacts, and I'm self conscious about my glasses, so it's quite a strain on my eyes, and as a result, I am more tired. I just lost complete track of my thoughts. Oh well, must start on a new track, I mean isn't that the purpose of the exercise. Speaking of exercise, I really want to get out and run a few laps, I know that it would help in being so tired. I'm tired of the Jester food, I've been living off of bagels, not from Jester. My roommate just came in and told me something that changed my thought pattern and now I'm concerned with the issue of how guys talk about girls, and how they treat girls. The whole issue is a problem of some sort in everyone's life, I just wish I didn't have to deal with it. I am quite addicted to diet cokes and diet drinks in all, I think I have a serious problem, yet I live for it. I feel like one right now. Boy do I need to do laundry. It just keeps piling up, of course the one day I finally decide to do it, everyone else has the same idea. I can't wait to go through the dorm experience, and then move on into an apartment and have things of my own. I wonder if I will have an apartment next year, and I wonder who would be my roomie(s) then, if any.

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15

This is my first year here at the University of Texas and I am very overwhelmed with all of the expectations. It is so hard for me because I have had to learn how to get around in such a large town, on such a huge campus, and living on my own for the first time is crazy. I have to find a job because I need to be able to pay my bills and I still have so much school work that I have to keep up with. At the Junior College I attended everything was very personal and it was easy to talk to a teacher or advisor whenever you needed to. Here everything is done over the computer which I guess is good since we are in the electronic age, but I just like the old fashioned way of pen and paper and face to face. I miss my family, especially my sister. I moved here by myself and I really don't know anybody here in Austin. I've never had to do so much walking in my life! I guess I should get all the exercise that I need walking back and forth to my classes. I'm worried that I won't be able to keep up in classes. I think I'm just nervous because everything has been a big change and I'm still very overwhelmed by all of it. I just wish sometimes that it would be a little bit easier and people would be a little bit more explanatory about things. Twenty minutes is a long time to write. I never thought I would feel pressured to think. I guess my thoughts don't come that often or just don't continue for twenty minutes straight. I still have ten more minutes to write. I wonder how these will be graded. I have so much to do today. I need to wash clothes, go to the grocery store, I have to clean since a friend is coming to visit me this weekend, and I have a test I have to start studying for. I hope the test won't be too difficult. I always worry about the first tests in a class. They pretty much set the tone for the rest of the semester. If you do really bad, then you have to bust your butt for the rest of the semester, if you do good then your pretty much set for a successful semester. I wish that all teachers would do a review. Reviews for tests really help me to learn the material because I end up going over it again and again. I guess its really repetition that makes me learn. Man, I still have five more minutes to write. I have never been in a class that was as big as this psychology class. I was totally blown away by the amount of students that are in that class. I bet its really hard to teach to an audience of that size. There must be so many distractions for the professor because I know I get distracted just sitting there. In an auditorium you can hear so many noises because of the echoes, sometimes your focus drifts away. I think that I'm going to like this class. It seems like it will be interesting and fun. I think that if every class was interesting and fun, then the college would be full of 4. 0 students walking down the street. My finance class is one of the classes that interests me the very least.

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30

Lately, I have been having all sorts of feelings. All my life I have lived in San Antonio, TX and now moving to Austin feels so different. I feel so lonely because I barely have any friends in Austin and I am to shy to approach people. Hopefully my year will get better. I don't think that my roomate is too fond of me. I don't understand why she barely talks to me? I try to be friendly. All I do all day is read or call my friends back in San Antonio so that I don't feel lonely. It's odd really that I talk to my mom quite often on the phone. On top of that I have problems with my boyfriend. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am having serious trust issuses. I have been with him for four years and I should be able to trust him, but he lives so far away and i don't get to see him much. How do I know if he's doing any thing behind my back? Should I even think like this? Does he trust me? I really do love him. Only recently did I discover that I love him. I wonder if the two of us will ever be together in the future. I really hate my culture when it comes to this kind of stuff. Why do we have to have arranged marriages? What is the point in that? I hope I do well in school this year. Last year I got good grades, but i really want to make my parent sproud. I feel bad fo rthem really. They pay so much money for my education and living. I feel as though I owe it to them to make them proud after all that they do for me. I really should get a job, but my schedule really doesn't allow me to. I'm not done with class till 5 everyday and I start the day as early as 8. Hopefully next year my schedule will be better and I can get a job and take on some responsibilities for myself. Living away from home is so different. It's strange really. I didn't think that I would miss home so much. I was so glad to finally leave and be on my own and have freedom. I don't even know where anything is in Austin and I hate bothering the people that I do know in Austin for directions. I don't know if it bothers them that I keep calling. Maybe I should join a sorority or something so that I can meet more people. I wonder if I can even handle being in a sorority with school work though. I can't believe I actually decided to change my major. From computer science to nursing, wow that's a big change. Well all I know is that I want to do something dealing with kids because I love kids and they usually love me. I don't want to be a teacher and not a doctor because that is way to much schooling for me. I think being a pediatric nurse will give me the oppurtunity to interact with children and help them. If only my mom would be happy with the decision I made. I don't know what her problem is anyways. It's my life, I should be able to do what I want and what make me happy. To tell you the truth about what i am thinking at the moment right now, I am really scared about this writing assignment my hands are shaking and I have no idea why. It should be easy for me like writing in my diary . I guess it's because of the fact that I am going to be graded on it. O well, hopefully I do well. I'm really tired and my back is hurting me and my time is almost up, so goodbye i'm going to sleep.

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9

It's three thirty in the afternoon right now, and i'm working on my psychology homework. this is a very interesting assignment; i've never done one quite like this. it's actually quite easy--just putting my thoughts on this site and having it timed. quite fascinating. i'm excited today because i finally got my internet and cable installed!! it's been almost 2 weeks since i've been able to watch tv on my own and to use my own internet to get online!! i don't know how i made it, but i'm still alive. hehe. i'm glad that the time-warner people finally got the address right. the first time they came, the went to the wrong apartment complex!! how aggravating!! i've never been more miserable in my entire life!! but today, i'm feeling competely opposite!! ahh. the joys of modern technology. right now, my desk is hurting my arms. since i'm typing, the fleshy part of my arm is getting pushed into the edge of the desk, thus creating a groove in my skin which is sometimes painful. other than that, i'm ok. oh, but my chair is also making impressions on the back of my leg. i'm wearing shorts now so the back of my legs have a cloth pattern on them. my computer is working fine right now, which i am very grateful for. my friend stephen just instant messenged me, but i can't really reply back to him right now since i am doing this writing assignment, which is timed. i feel like i am writing a lot, but perhaps it is because i type fast. hmm. could be. well, i seem to be making many typos. i guess i should slow down and think of what i am writing before i write it. i sometimes get ahead of myself when i am thinking of what to write and it wreaks havoc on my typing. twenty minutes is a long time if you think about it. i mean, i've typed all of this in just seven minutes and twenty three seconds. i'm also trying to figure out which of my friends i should call to help me with the downloading of music. it's the greatest thing on the internet, but somehow i can't get it to work as efficiently as they can. all they have to do to play a song is click the list of songs that they have on the side of their screen, but when i want to play a song, i have to pull up a separate folder. bleh!! so i need to call one of my friends. but who should i call?? let's see. there's stephen, who im'ed me, rex, maria, sarika (she's going home this weekend though), mitra, lindsay (or is it -ey?), maria, her boyfriend zack, her boyfriend's friend stephen, ha, tahera, or jessica. i'm sure i know more people, but i can't think of them right now. the sad thing with the people i just listed is that almost all of them went to the same high school as i did. i need to meet new people. i can't hang out with the same few people every single day. but it's so hard to meet people when the classes have hundreds of people in them each. i go to class sitting next to a different person every single time. i rarely see the same person in my classes. i guess that's what i get for taking all the introductory classes. this stream of consciousness thing is cool. i'm thinking about my syntax (haha. such an ap english 4 word) and it's weird. i never normally talk like this. i feel as though i am babbling to myself or trying to sound intelligent as i babble. i guess i don't talk in an ignorant way, but i feel as though i sound more sophisticated than i really sound in real life. so i might go see a movie with my friends next friday entitled one hour photo. the ever so famous robin williams is in the movie, along with the very appealing guy from the hit show alias, michael vartan. the show alias is really cool--this girl named sydney, played by jennifer garner, is this spy/counterspy and she does all this cool stuff with all her high tech gadgets. and michael vartan plays her handler. now i'm talking on the phone with my friend maria. she called about what we want to do tonight. so we might play monopoly. apparently rex brought monopoly. or maybe it's rex who has it. i don't know. all i know is that now i have to call rex and see if he wants to play monolopy after his chinese bible study thing. i went to this chinese/taiwanese association thing the other night, and i felt so white-washed. that means that i don't feel like i'm as asian as them. i guess that could be a bad thing, but it probably was because half of those people were fobbish. fobbish means that they just got to the states so they're still really foreign-like. it kind of makes them stand out, but if they're ok with it, then it doesn't matter. i'm almost finished!! woohoo!! now i have to go call rex and see what we're doing tonight. good bye!

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11

I hate you. I hate how you have the power to hurt me. I hate how I called you wanting to merely tell you about "our" song being on tv and I got shot down. I hate how you called me some other girl's name thinking it was her that called. I hate how you can call some other girl and start to like her so soon after we broke up. You said that you had feelings for me merely 4 days ago and how can you forget about me so quickly? Was I just not that special to you that you could forget about me so soon? I hate you for not wanting to have a long distance relationship with me even though you're only like 2 hours away. I hate you for making me hurt so badly inside. I hate you for making me feel that horrible feeling you get in your chest when someone just breaks up with you. I hate you for having the power to invoke such emotion within me. I thought that you were different. I thought that you of all people wouldn't hurt me. You always told me to give you the benefit of the doubt and I finally learned to do that. You always said how you never wanted to hurt me and you never did until last night. Nothing you ever did was as painful as that. I just felt like someone had stabbed me and run over me a few times. I care so much about you still and I just don't understand you. You told me that you didn't want to have a girlfriend this first year at school, but then why in the hell are you calling a girl to get something started with her? How could you lie to me when I asked you who she was? You of all people never lied to me and never hurt me, but last night you ruined everything that I had made you out to be. I had you on a pedestal from all the other guys that I've been with and you proved me wrong. I wish you could feel all the hurt that I feel right now. I wish you could hurt so much that you don't know what to do about it. I wish you could take this hurt away from me because I don't deserve to feel this way. All I ever did was care about you and be good to you. I'm not sorry I still have feelings for you because you were just that special to me that it will take me awhile to get over you. I could never call some other guy and start talking to him so soon. It's so early and not fair to the other person. It took you forever to ask me out because you wanted to make sure you were over Michelle but what about Tara? How can you talk to her so soon if I know you still have feelings for me? Am I just that easy to get over? I thought I was so much more than that. I'm not stupid, Travis. I know you all too well. I know when you lie to me, but I guess I didn't know you too well because I never thought you could hurt me. I never thought you could be with another girl so soon after me. You told me not to start something with another guy to fill that void of you. Is that what you're doing because that's not fair. I just can't believe you. I wish there was something you could do to make me feel better, but I don't think there is. I don't even know how we can be friends anymore. I can't trust you even as a friend. I now know that you can lie to me. I wish it wasn't like this between you and me. I wish we could be together because things were so great with you that I didn't want to let it go. You were the best boyfriend I ever had but I don't know about that anymore. You ruined that whole perfect picture for me. I hate you for making me feel such sadness. How can you do that?

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6

ok, so I am supposed to write about what I am feeling, hearing and thinking. all that, so, the trucks outside my window are driving around backwards for some strange reason and the beeping is really a pain. It starts at 7:30 or 8:00 in the morning and the beeping goes on all day long. My roommate wants to know how much work those trucks can actually accomplish when they are driving backwards! lol, I agree and would really like to know, all I see when I look out my window is a big whole in the ground, not to much progress. but I am sure the construction will be moving along slowly but surely. Oy veh, I have not typed in such a long time, I have gotten so slow. I am just like my grandma, new technology drives me nuts. My computer, phone, everything, too confusing! I like having no alarm clock or phones or computers or anything, but its all just part of america I guess, so along the lines of beeping, the door to my floor is beeping again, the alarm has gone off every time someone goes in or out of the door. It's all part of dorm life I guess, luckily I can sleep through anything so it doesn't really bother me much, just when I am trying to study but that is why we have libraries. I am a little worried though that I won't wake up is there is a fire drill or something. My roommate (I wonder how you spell that - room mate? roommate? or roommate?) anyhow, she will wake me up. thank goodness. my suitemates just made dinner even though its late and it smells YUMMY! I think it's pork though so I'll have to miss out on this one. It's amazing the things you can cook in the microwave these days. EZmac seems a little scary but most food turns out pretty good. I really miss my moms cooking, I think that is got to be one of the hardest parts of being away from home, the food and the fact that me family would always eat together. It's so quiet here I can tell the weekend is winding down. Friday and Saturday nights are so noisy and something is always happening. Now its all hush hush. I've only been typing for nine minutes and I can't believe how much random stuff I have thought of. I took a Yoga class today with a friend, I had never taken one before and somehow you move around for like an hour and come out of the class feeling like you just took a great nap for the whole time. The instructor played this awesome music (the only word I can think of to try to describe it is zen"), it was happy and sad at the same time. Very interesting. I have taken up going to the gym because it is about the only past time that lets me avoid my school work and procrastinate without feeling too guilty. It's a great excuse, so to the gym I go. It's fun though, I made friends with all the crickets that live in and around the pool. I have never seen such big crickets before in my life, only in Pinnochio and stuff like that, they are huge here, it's like they are on steroids or something. Bugs are not my favorite but I guess they can enjoy swimming too. I want some popcorn, ya know, like the really good but really bad for you movie theater popcorn. How come everytime someone pops a bag, it seems like everyone in the world can smell it! yum! so, my walls are covered in post-its, I always need a reminder for something and my room is finally starting to look a bit "lived-in", the walls are so bare and the rooms are so boring. I like things bright and busy busy busy! My roommates favorite color is pink and her whole side of the room is light pink, which just happens to be my least favorite color, I think that may have something to do with me never wanting to hang out in my room, it's really awful. She is awesome and we get along perfectly except for out choice of color so I really am lucky. But anyhow, it's amazing how a color can affect your mood so much (or at least mine). I really wish I could type faster. Mas rapido! I haven't used my computer hardly at all, I got used to living without technology this summer and I loved it. People here rush all the time, we need to learn how to take it easy and just enjoy everything that is around us. We are so silly even though we pride ourselves with being so advanced, I think we just get caught up in it all and forget how to take a break and chill. I am tired of thinking, I have been doing it all day, I wish I had a switch to just turn my brain off for a few minutes. My roommate just walked in, she opened the door and I jumped, now she is looking for her key, what a bummer to lose. That or an I'D, your I'D is like your life here, ok, well, my time is running out, hope you enjoyed reading what all was floating around in my head! wow, done at exactly the right time. woo hoo!

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17

Homework, I hate homework. no it's not that. It's more like I hate the obligation to be busy that it entails. Why is it that after finishing homework or exercises that you feel so great, but actually starting it is so stressful. Why is it that something that is so helpful is hard to motivate? One would think that lazy people would have been weeded out by natural selection by now and it'd be easier for those left behind to get motivated. But from what I've seen in the history texts, people aren't only not more motivated, they're less!! So if this goes on, it'll get harder and harder for people to get things done. And I'm already having enough problems as it is! It makes me wonder if the human race will survive to see a true 'space age'? I mean, We've made so much progress in that area already, but at the rate that apathy and disinterest that sweeping through the population, it's quite possible that we'll never get off of our own little mudball in order to see what the other little mudballs circling a bunch of burning hydrogen look like. Not only that, but what about all these alien theory's? There is a truism (called that 'cause they're normally true) that says, "There is a seed of truth even in the most outrageous rumor" So I want to know what that seed of truth is!! What, or who, is out there. If it's nothing, I want to find out. So maybe in my lifetime there will not be any answers, but from heaven or hell or wherever I go, if indeed I go anywhere other than the ground, I want someone to somewhere figure out the answer! Or that there is not an answer. Oh, well. I think my twenty minutes are up. So hopefully what little motivation I've mustered will result in more than just a good grade (although that's good too!)

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14

Well i am beginning this assignment and already I'm worrying about spelling errors and constantly hitting backspace trying to fix every little thing. Sometimes I wonder why I care about that stuff but I really don't know, and my mind just wonders endlessly all the time, which I why I think I will enjoy this assignment, once it has been evaluated, because I seem to conjure up the wildest ideas, and thoughts and feelings when I begin to let my mind roam free. Now I'm thinking why am I thinking about my thinking which seems really weird, but I guess thats the idea of this experiment, and I am constantly trying to think about what to think about next, so that I'll have something to type, instead of leaving a blank screen which would be bad, because then I would get a bad grade, even though the grading system on this particular paper is based on completion, not on content, which is a good thing because if it was based on content, and I had no content, then there would be nothing to grade, and I would have bad grades, and now it just occured to me that I am rambling on about nothing, and making fallacious points as I type, just for the simple reason to keep typing, which is the main goal of this experiment, and I just heard my roomate coughing in the living room, he is foreign, and sometimes hard to understand, but I think it's cool to have a foreign exchange student as a rooomate because it adds a bit of variety to the mix, and he said that his parents live in Yugoslavia, and that he moved here with his host parents who lived in Pennsylvania, but had to move here to Austin for job reasons, which is why he lives here, and which is why he goes to Austin Community College, and I know this because I asked him, and I asked him because I was curious to know about his background due to the fact that he is from a foreign country. He says he likes it here in the states as most foreginers refer to us as, but he, like most teenagers, misses his friends back home, which is why he goes back there every summer to visit, and I guess since he has lived both places, and experienced both cultures and economies, is why he chose to major in International Business, and my other roomate, Troy, is a business major at UT, and I am somewhat of a business major, with my major being Sports Management, which is in the College of Education because it is a branch of Kiniesiology, which I don't know if I spelled right, but I supposed I should learn how, but anyways my major is more of a business major, like Troy and Djordje, which is pronounced George, so that makes 3 business majors in the house which can be helpful at times, then I have another roomate named John, whom I have been friends with since 4th grade when his mom babysitted me, and my mom told his mom that she doubted we would get along because we were two different types of people, but she was wrong because even since his mom moved to Nebraska with him, and his sister Lynnsie, we stayed friends, and then his dad who lived in Houston at the time, moved to San Antonio when I was in 7th grade, yet we still remained best friends, though we only saw each other 4-5 days a year. I figure there is some psychological aspect that has kept us together, and such good friends throughout the years, and I hope to learn more about it if there is such an aspect of psychology. Now it is occuring to me that most of this entire writing is a run-on but I guess that is okay since it is more based on stream of consciousness, rather than stopping to take the time to realize and correct your errors. But anyways, as I was saying there are 3 business majors, then John is a Chemical Engineer also studying at UT, and he, along with me and Troy, who is 22, are all freshman, and Djordje is a sophomore. I sometimes wonder what its like to be a 22 year old Freshman, and to be starting your real life off that late, ever since Troy and I have met. He seems like a very interesting person to me, and I figure I will get to know him better as the year progresses, even though the four of us mostly stay in our rooms most of the time, rather than socialize together, but I guess its just nervousness of being alone, and without parents for the first time, and we will soon grow out of it. Speaking of parents, I hate to admit it, but I truly do miss my parents, and especially my dog, a dauschand, bevo, very much. Before I was to leave to move in to my apartment I couldn't wait to get out of there, and to get out on my own, figuring to be free of them for good, except for the occassional visits, and I would read the college things about how to expect home sickness, and I was thinking yeah right, not me, but just a few days after they had left, I already missed them, and I can't wait to see them again. Pretty sad on my part I guess on trying to be independent, but oh well, I just want to see my dog again, whom my life would be incomplete without, and the funny thing is for the first 15 or so years of my life I was afraid of dogs, and now I see the clock and I'm running of out of time, and it said my 20 minutes are up, so thats all I have to say.

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18

I'm actually really tired, but I want to finish as much homework as I possibly can. It's not terribly late so I thought it would be nice to write something on my thoughts right before I go to bed. Today was a good day. Not too much stress and I talked to a lot of my friends and family. Its always nice when I get to talk to old friends from hs. today I met a girl that went to the same elementary as me. we didn't know each other, but we had a connection because we were from the same town. MOst people have never heard of my town before, so it was pretty cool. I also met a girl this morning that went to the other hs in my town, which again is strange. I actually met a lot of people, one of the girls has a class with me and we live right down the hall from each other. I'm glad to know that I have someone that I can study with or ask a question if I need help anytime I want. One good thing about college is that it's really easy to make friends. Even if you're a shy person, there's always someone who is willing to talk to you. I used to be really shy, but I don't have much of a problem introducing myself to random people, I actually enjoy doing that now. I look foward to those that I will meet tomorrow, I just hope I can remember everyone's name when I see them again. I've met so many people in such a short period of time that it becomes difficult to match names with faces. I enjoy all of my classes, I'm feeling pretty comfortable in my decision on what I plan to major in. It seems that I really do enjoy chemistry and biology, but I'm really glad to have a psychology class to take my mind off of things that I have to do. I'm really excited about Wednesday. I'm going to try out for the rowing team. I think I'm really going to enjoy the workouts and meeting new people. I hope I make the team, but I don't want to get my hopes up, so I'm just going to see how it goes. Today I went to the gym to see how difficult rowing really is and I feel much more comfortable with my decision. I was able to row correctly, although it gets kind of confusing at times because it is not a natural movement. but I was able to row for 2000 meters non-stop my first try, and I think that's pretty good because I only have to row for 500 meters for the tryouts. I'm not sure how good my chances are at making the team. I haven't been on a sports team since middle school. but I have been in band since sixth grade. band may not be the best workout ever or the most strenuous, but marching can get pretty tiring, and I think that it has prepared me a little for this. I'm really good with endurance which is key in rowing. In high school, we had to march for 8 minutes straight. my senior year I had a solo and I had to run around to my different sets and then stand still and play a long slow balad for a couple of minutes and make it musical. That was pretty hard to play without people realizing I'm completely out of breath. But it was really rewarding, I had the opportunity to play in front of thousands at a time at our football games. I could never get up in front of a crowd and speak or sing, but I can play my flute in front of anyone. I really wish I was able to be in the UT band. I had always wanted to be part of the band, but now my major doesn't allow the time. I hope that later in my college career, I have the chance to be in the marching band at least once. I think it would be so much fun. Music has always been a big thing in my life, I love to play it, but I also love to listen to it. My favorite kind of music is country. I especially love george strait. I have most of his cd's. I know every word to every song he sings, I only need to hear the first chord of one of his songs and I'll know its him. I'm also a big fan of 80's movies. one of my favorites is young frankenstein. mel brooks makes wonderful movies, I think they're all hilarious. real genius is another good one I like. most of my favorite movies I'm able to quote from beginning to end. one of the classics is the princess bride. there are so many great one-liners in that movie. my dad and I always say random quotes from movies anytime something happens. my dad knows the most trivial things. he'll know the answer to the most random question you can think of. its pointless, but its pretty cool. my dad and I are really close, I wish I could be more like my dad. we grew really close when my mom passed away when I was little, he remarried, and now I have a brother and a sister. I love my little sister so much, she's the cutest. she never uses my real name, she always calls me sister. I really miss her. but I talk to her often and she's always so excited to hear from me. she just got a new rabit, she's had 5 and three of them were sold in the stock show and one of them died. but now she has 2. I hope the heat doesn't get to these two like the others. she's always really worried about them. she also has a dog, and I have a dog named princess. my dog is a choc. lab. she's really cute, but she's also really old. I'm glad she has a new puppy to play with since I won't be there for her all the time. I've had her ever since I was little, I miss her too. I brought a lot of pictures and things from home so I wouldn't get homesick. my room is very comforting I think. I don't think I could stand it if it were blank. most of my pictures are of my family and of my best friend kelly. she goes to corpus with my brother, so she isn't that far away from me. we talk all the time online though, so it feels like she's here.

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12

So here I am sitting at my computer. I am supposed to be doing my homework that I put off all week, I guess you could call this homework though. Its a little cold in here, I haven't taken a shower yet. I hope my roommate doesn't just come home and I'm still sitting here in my pajamas. she goes to san antonio every weekend to see her family and boyfriend. I wish I could go home to see my family and friends. but I don't have the money. I hate my job. I wish it were more like my old job at home. scott was so nice there and here tj just seems like a jerk. maybe I'll get transferred to a closer store. probably not though. I'm hungry and my feet are cold. I wonder why it is that whenever I get hungry I get cold, or maybe its the other way around, whenever I get cold I get hungry. I don't think the second floor dining opens until 4:30, if even that, I can't remember the hours for the weekend. my cell phone is ringing. I really wish my new cell phone would get here. ever since I dropped this one on the way to class it just randomly calls and hangs up and sends me messages, most of them are old by the time I get them, or were sent earlier in the day. I should really take a shower, I feel sticky. I think its from the ice cream. I just finished watching solaris. it was an ok movie, not as good as greg said it was going to be but interesting at least. the whole basis of it was that your basis of reality isn't really what reality is, and who's to determine what reality is anyways. its a pretty far fetched concept. and on a better day I might think about that, but today I've got bigger things to worry about. I like biology, dr pierson is very focused on teaching us to learn, which I think is cool for a professor. they tell you in high school that when you get to college, especially a big college like this one that you are all on your own and if you haven't developed good study skills before you get here you are for sure going to fail. but its just not true. I would have thought people here would be less worried about how we were doing and how we were understanding things, but everyone seems to really care. I wonder how long that will last. that's another thing about living here. in dallas no one really cares. I mean duncanville sure people do, its a smaller town, but if you were to go downtown and ask someone for directions they would probably think you were crazy. here people are much more friendly. just yesterday I was riding the bus home from wal-mart and you know riding the metro's around here you run into all kinds of strange and interesting people, and this older black guy and a group of punk kids gets on the bus. and the kids were so rude to him, and talking to him like he was stupid and making fun of him right to his face and everything. they didn't know him anymore than I did, and sure it was apparent that all of his crayons weren't in the box but it amazed me how disrespectful they were to him. so I said something, and it wasn't even mean, I just started asking them how old they were and how much they thought they knew in the few years they had lived. none of them answered of course, and it really wasn't my place to say, but they shut up. now they got off the bus quickly, but the older guy stayed on and talked to me for awhile. he was nice enough, he had some sort of speech issue. it was like talking to my grandpa after his stroke but much faster. I couldn't tell if he didn't know the words or if his brain couldn't unscramble the words. that's what my grandpa used to say. he didn't talk much after his last stroke, and the doctors couldn't help him if he couldn't tell them what he wanted. and finally one day my mom asked him why he looked angry all the time. and he told her he knew what he wanted to say but when he opened his mouth to say it it came out all scrambled up. so it had to sit and think about it a second time to be sure it came out right. and it wore him down and it made him tired so he just didn't say much. he understood everything we were saying but the delay for him aggravated him so he didn't want to deal with it. its sad ya know. he is very smart, and he is seen so much to tell about, I hope he gets thru this. my mom says he is getting better. I think probably one of the worst diseases must be alztiemers. I know that's not what he is got, but just this small glimpse is scary to me. I couldn't' imagine living thru it. hopefully by the time I get that old they will have figured out a way to fix it. why did I buy two packs of gum? I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and for whatever reason I bought two packs of gum. I don't' even chew gum that often. maybe I bought one for aida. she is probably going to come home soon, I think she was catching the 3pm bus out of san antonio. I'm going home next weekend. I'm supposed to catch a bus at 4 and get to dallas at 7:45. I guess we'll have to make some stops because I've never gone to dallas or to here and it taken longer than 3 hours. but I probably speed a little. and tj is just going to have to deal with me not being here. I told him two weeks ago not to schedule me on Friday, sat, or sundays because I didn't know when I was going out of town. and what did he do? schedule me for this Friday. well I already bought the tickets and if I don't go home this weekend I'm going to go crazy. I miss the stupid things, like tricia singing in the shower. that child is so tone deaf its not even funny. or mom knowing all the lyrics to every disney channel song. I miss my chinchilla. his name is mistletoe. I got him for christmas two years ago from my biological father. I don't talk to him anymore. I wonder if he even knows I'm here. samantha knows, I remember telling her last christmas. that's what sux about all this though. I mean its bad that me and russell can't work things out, but that's our issue, but because of it I can't talk to samantha, which isn't fair to her. what did she ever do to deserve this? it wasn't her choice. and nobody ever asked her. what will she think when she grows up and I haven't been there for her prom and her college years and all that. will she blame me? I don't know. well I should really go take a shower. my roommate is coming soon. thanks for listening.

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24

Wow I'm probably not doing this under the smartest of conditions seeing that I'm listening to some Allman Bros. very loud as well as the St. Louis / Denver game in the background but what the hell why not. I was thinking about what the hell I was going to write about earlier and I guess it should be what it is -- a stream of consciousness. Ha. Well anyway I probably should not stop writing. It's funny how sometimes your mind works faster than the rest of your body (especially your hands) because sometimes I will think of something and begin typing it and then I will forget what in the hell I was thinking about until it's too late. The same thing even happens in conversations, and that sucks a big fat hairy one when I'm in the middle of talking with some one about school or music or the thing I was watching last night and then I will completely go blank because it takes me so long to get the words out of my mouth. Hmm it's very tempting to get lost in watching that clock in the upper portion of the screen. I keep seeing it tick away the seconds and it makes me want to look at it. I find all of this internet stuff veryu fascinating, especially since I am fairly proficient in it. Wow, this feels almost like an inner monologue because deep down in the back of my consciousness I know that I will be the only one reading it, so I get almost this pointless feeling to myself as to why in the world I am even putting forth any effort into doing such an assignment. Hmm that was the third time I have corrected my spelling. I wonder how many other people are as anal retentive as myself and are constantly correcting their spelling in this assignment. Typing is such a weird thing. I do it so much that I feel fairly proficient, but I was talking to pops last night and he said that he only types with two fingers. How does one get through life in any situation where he/she only types with two fingers. I just thought about what an ass I was last night. I was supposed to go to see Keller Williams with a fairly attractive, but fairly annoying and fairly commonly high girl a few floors up, but I felt really sick yesterday and the rain made me extremely lazy, so I told her in no uncertain terms that we probably wouldn't go to the concert even though that's all we had talked about the week before. I'm such a jackass / loser when it comes to relations with the ladies. I don't know what in the hell that last thing was, but oh well. Wow I wonder what a handful of other people I know here and at LSU are doing at this exact second? Hmm eight minutes and thirty seconds. The death knell tolls in the background. As does Every Hungry Woman off of the Allman Bros. ' first and self titles release. Wow, I will type anything to keep the flow going. The only other time I can think of stream of consciousness in my real world experience is a brief relation in The Sixth Sense when that little Haley Joel kid writes down every and any bad word imaginable and that terribly boring and lifeless novel I had to read in 8th grade called The Reivers. I can't think of the author right now, just because if I sat and thought I'd stop typing and that would defeat the whole purpose of this excercise. Hmm President Bush is on TV right now. How sad it is that people criticize him constantly. What a load of hypocritical, cynical assholes. Wow, now I really feel like that little shit in the Sixth Sense as I constantly am using bad language. What a sad world I live in vocabularily (if that is even a word) if all I can do is cuss in a paper. I guess that's not all that I'm doing, but it is a lot of what I'm doing. Wow, that was a complete waste of a sentence. As was that one. And that one. Wow I could go on for hours like this. I don't think I have misspelled very many words so far. Wow, I deserve a cookie. What a sad statement. This paper is riddled with psychological buzz words and phrases. What a head-case am I. Ok, Yoda, enough. Speaking of Yoda, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was one funny, yet dissapointing movie. I don't know why I chose that one out of Kevin Smith's entire repituare (that is most definately not spelled correctly), seeing as Mallrats, Chasing Amy, and Clerks were fairly brilliant, and Dogma was exceptionally interesting although quite blasphemous, but I guess that's why I was so let down by J&SB Strike Back. It's funny how your mind jumps from one idea to another. I was just thinking about when I could go back home and see the folks. For some reason, I only get homesick and depressed when I am severly screwed up, which is possible, I guess, because I can see more clearly, I don't know. And by screwed up I don't mean on heroin or crack which some may need to believe. I'd never do that hard shit (I think the bad language is necessary there, eh?) Eh, what the hell am I, Canadian. Wait, no, canadian. I don't think they deserve a capital C. Well, they get a lot of flack for no reason. So I guess I can say Canadian. There, was that so hard. Yes. More inner monologue. Uggggh. 1. 5 minutes left. This is an exceptionally long feeling. I just got finished (before I started into this thing) reformatting and reinstalling Windows XP on my suitemate's laptop. I enjoy doing crap like that. Ever since I've been here it seems like there aren't very many computer proficient people like back in Louisiana. Oh well. Time's almmost up. Yep, time she is a up. We'll delve into this more deeply next week (By the way, that was Something About Mary. ).

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17

Entering college is a whole new experience that is new to me. One that is unique in its own right. An experience that begins a new transition from the home to a life of individuality and freedom. Being only three hours away from home, it didn't seem like I was breaking away on my own, but in actuality this is only the start of creating a new life for myself. After high school, everyone left there own way in seeking out a future for themselves. One friend would move to New York and another would move to California. The once click of friends that you grew up is now a long distance relationship creating friends coast to coast. Although UT is a new change for me, it is one that is welcoming because it begins a new chapter in your life and basically gives you a clean slate to work on. From this day forward, I am able to become whatever my heart desires and whatever happened in the past I can put behind as memories. The challenge is a great one however with its competitive nature. Back in high school, I would hear stories of friends failing out of UT due to its luring temptation of the atmosphere of clubs and alcohol. Everyone seemed to be lured into the trap and go deranged when they got on their own. I would hear stories of friends messing up in school and having to return home. These stories although depressing helped me however in establishing the goal that I would not be like the rest, but an individual. That's what UT is basically is, just a group of individuals all with the same goal, a goal of succeeding which is sad that some take it lightly and begin to ruin their lives. Its like its own community at UT. All students relatively the same age trying to create a future for themselves. I sometimes wonder if I have what it takes to succeed at UT. My mind is still in doubt seeing the enormous campus each day as I walk to class. But all I can ask for is for my best and that is good enough for me. Even though UT is a different city than my home town Dallas, I still feel like I haven't left Dallas in a way. With all my friends attending this University it just seems like Dallas all over again which is one of the reasons I was considering going out of State. It seems great to have a large number of your friends close to you, but in a way I have a desire to start totally fresh. Throughout campus, I would see students from my school walking up and down the street and sometimes wish that a whole new atmosphere was around me so that I can begin a life that is not attached to my old one. The University of Texas does however let you become any kind of person you desire with a new start even though it is kind of mixed in with the old. As for home, I sometimes wonder if my parents are doing well without me. With their constant calls and visits, it seems like they lost a part of themselves when they had to let go of me. So along with the stress that comes along with being a student at a UT, my stress also comes with the worry of how things are back home. Seeing my mom cry, tore my heart apart with the goodbye that completed my transition to UT. I notice how people don't show how lucky they are that they have an opportunity like going to UT but instead take it lightly as if its nothing when in fact thousands of dollars are being invested in you in hopes that you create a successful future for yourself. College is a whole new experience that allows you tremendous independence. It is my job that I spend my time wisely and take advantage of the situation in creating something out of myself. I see some of my friends just wasting their lives away on drugs and partying. I would like to do something for them, but their destiny is their own fate of what they and make out of it. All I can offer them is my support. Although fear did strike me before I entered UT, it now has turned into an excitement of a whole new world.

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wow I didn't know it was going to time it for me that is awesome. I'm just kind of tapping they keys waiting for something to enter my head for me to write down. I'm really getting tired of hitting the backspace key because I keep typing the wrong letters. I wonder if I will get anymore mail, hopefully. Its kind of fun opening the mail box and actually having stuff in it. I didn't know where the laundry was until last night. It sucks there is nothing cool in the north tower everything is in the south tower and that is too far for me to want to walk. The light in my room is really big and the papers on my bulletin board are waving around from my air-conditioning. Its hella hot outside, I can't wait till october or november when it will cool down. The animation on my beer poster sure is shitty, I definitely got to cover it up with other pictures, I suck at spelling, its only been 6 minutes this really does feel like forever, I really just don't have a lot to say. HA the radio just said hello to me its so polite, I'm trying to decide whether or not to turn it on. For some weird reason my roommate but an empty water bottle inside a drink cup, it kind of reminds me of abstract art, like when homer tried to build a barbeque and ended up with a big pile of bricks with an umbrella sticking out. I wonder if the McLaren really is the fastest road car in the world. I'm pretty fast I think I could beat it. Al pacino looks a little up set its ok though he is about to snort a whole big pile of cocaine, what a crazy guy, all this typing is making me thirsty again. Bottled water is so stupid. Why would u pay for water that somebody else just filled up out of a tap in the backroom when u can get a cup for free. some people are just idiots. People really do look funny when they cross the finish line in races. It really is a lot harder then it seems to put the top on a bottle. I wonder if I will ever use this stapler that I brought. It does make my desk look very professional though. I ate way too much pizza, rolls, fettuccine alfredo and chicken, they all really don't mix. A blue viper is cool. My hair is getting long again if my dad sees me he will be like so son when do u want me to set up an appointment for you to get your hair cut. just because his dad was a barber doesn't mean that he knows when other people need hair cuts. But my grandad did have one of those cool barber poles and my grandma always tells me what each color stands for and says one day when I'm on a tv game show they will ask me that question and I will win lots of money I think the white is for the skin, red for the blood and blue for the veins. I think. I just spilled water all over my shirt I need to work on my mouth hand coordination. but I suppose water is better then throw up. Stupid reed throwing up on my only UT shirt down in cancun. my roommate sure has some girly colored push pins they are all pastel colors. the freeway is pretty busy right now, I wonder where everyone is going. I really did eat to much, just sitting here typing is making my stomach hurt. I need some tums. They taste like chalk though, yuck even though I have never eaten chalk before I still know what I would taste like, All dry and chalky. it really would be funny if david still went by texas time instead of Maryland time.

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well i guess the first thing or the thing that i am sort of forcing myself to now think about is what i was thinking about before. and that would be how much i miss my best friend. i was eating at Wendy's and i was really hungry because i hadnt eaten anything all day and it was already 5 by then. so i ate a jr. cheese burger, medium fries, and some orange juice. then i went bak and got a salad, frosty, and some water. but i dint really know anyone there because the two friends i came with went to a HOSA meeting so i was by myself for a while so i started thinking. and my thoughts were many but they sort of led back to my best friend Rakhi at Texas A&M. i don't really know exactly what i was thinking or what i am thinking but i know it was something along the lines of i just really wish i could spend some time with her. i guess i'll get bak to her later when i think of more. my cell phone just rang so i guess that interrupted my train of thought. and iM guessing its most probably Amit because it said unknown for the caller ID which most prob. means that its him because his phone is the only one that does that. Also i am really use to pushing Ctrl S and i can't really do that here because i am not writing a word document - i am glad i have developed this habit because it ensures that 90% of the work i have done is saved every few minutes because i really hate having to redo work. now i guess i was just thinking of the clock. i was sort of seeing how fast it would go - like i am sort of surprised that it is already 7 minutes. i thought because of what Monique said that it would take quite a bit of time but time seems to be going by fast enough. my eyes are burning i think because of my contacts because i have gotten enough sleep since i sort of woke up at 2 o' clock today. Once again. i guess my mind - - she just called and it made me feel a lot better because i just told her that she was going to live a thousand years since i was thinking about her. and she was like awwww I Love You in the cutest little voice and hten i told her i had to finish this and i also have like no daytime minutes due to a family plan. and now the dorm phone rang and Arpan called. i guess we don't have too much peace and quiet in this dorm. lol. but ya it was really cool that she called. and she is stored on my cell phone as 'princess' so its really cool seeing that pop up on my phone! Well besides i guess really wanting to see and hug her i don't know much else that i am thinking about currently. i guess maybe finding out how much a Greyhound ticket to A&M costs since i would love to go there. Well i guess i also need to figure out what i need to do for the remainder of the day such as finish my MIS homework, chek the emails from Dell, check out the Sprint family plans so i can see how to get more daytime minutes, read some Eco, go over Eco notes, read some Philosophy, and the Philosophy book, read the beginning of the Psychology book, and finish Chapter 1 of MIS, and finish reading Developing You Into Me of Ba101. wow i guess i have quite a bit of reading to catch up on. so maybe i should take care of that for the remainder of the day rather than wake up at 2 o' clock. i really need to wake up earlier and get my homework done. it would be really beneficial to me if i started doing that. Besides all that, Sid, my roommate, also suggested a movie at 9 playing for free at the Union so i may look into that. besides all of that i think i need to use the restroom after i am done with this and i don't really know why i just wrote that down besides the fact that it says write everything you are thinking about and so i was thinking about that so i thought id write it down - just like i was thinking about writing about thinking about going to the bathroom - so i did write it. now my mind is just free i guess. in regards to tom. which is Friday and now the phone just rang and now 20 minutes is over but i was just thinking in regards to tomorrow and the rest of the weekend what i am going to do - whether im going to go home or just stay here but i guess i'll think more about that later

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I've never felt empty ever before, its amazing how complete your life feels for a certain time and then just because of this one person everything just falls apart and you have to start all over again I know it happens to everybody at some point of their lives but whoever it must be happening to they must be going through hell. I believe in god and I know that whatever he's doing its for my betterment but I wonder why he did this in the first place if he wasn't going to make it work. Right now there are so many questions in my mind but there is no one to answer them at all I'm feeling so disgusted with everything I feel angry and its all because on this one person who before a year didn't even mean anything to me and now rules over all my thoughts and feelings. I wish I could foresee the future or go back into time and fix up everything before it falls apart. I'm sitting in a lab full of people and my friends come every now and then and say hi to me and treat me sweetly and every other second my thoughts keep going back to this evil person who just messed up everything I do. I must be sounding like any girl who's fallen out of a relationship but I don't care I'm very hurt, and in my case I know he doesn't care at all whether I'm sad or depressed because he has someone else waiting for him at home who's going to make it alright for him and make him forget me forever and ever. and me? I m going to cry and keep thinking of him for a long time because I know I'm true and I loved him even if he didn't. So if I cry I know its because of the love I feel for him, and he doesn't care because he never really loved me at all, and I was stupid all the way to believe that he did. I promise never to be that stupid again I'm going to immerse myself in my work and other people and get on with my life whether my heart likes it or not because all this while I've been doing whatever my heart wanted me to do and didn't do whatever my brain wanted me to but now I'm going to think practically because I know that in this cruel world people who care for others get run over and only the cold hearted survive. So I am going to be cold hearted. and I'm going to be mean. sweet from the outside and mean from the inside just how he is. the whole world loves him because he's sweet from the outside but no one knows about how dark he is from the inside as bitter as an evil man who's never any good for anyone in his life. Where are people when you really need them, my parents so so far away who don't even have a clue about what's happening in my life. I'm so angry I could fight with the person and cry in front of him and take him in front of God and ask him to do justice for me if anybody in third world can't do it but I know I can't ask for anything like that ill just have to study move on and do great things with my life and make my parents really happy because they love me more than any guy in this world can ever do. As I write I'm waiting for these 20 minutes to get over so I can get out of this frame of mind and hide my thoughts in something else or just go stand outside in the warm sun and away from this computer where I feel I'm going to get an email from him at any minute. I hate being a slave to my thoughts and feelings I hate being an emotional slave to a guy who doesn't give a damn about me. I want everything to be right again. As it was before I want him to hug me when I'm tired and tell me that he cares for me oooh why does life have to be so difficult and challenging why can't it be stable is love too expensive to ask for or has it just become very rare in this world where people just care for themselves and nobody else. I can't write very quickly because I'm not that good at typing otherwise I can go on and on about this but then again I don't want to because I don t want to feel sorry for myself at all I'm beautiful, intelligent and there is someone out there who deserves me more then this selfish freak.

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During the weekend, I love to go to mall. To buy something that makes me feels good. If I have a chance to go in the mall, First, I would like to eat something in the restaurant because I get starve. I love to eat Chinese food. Sometimes I choose sweet sour chicken and fried rice. That is my favorite food. If I have a second choice that it would be pepper steak and white rice. When I am full, I start thinking of what I need t shop around other place to buy what I need. At this time , I need to buy fall season cloths. All I have right now is one pair of jean and one sweater. That is not enough to wear for the rest of the season. All I need is one more extra sweater and another pair of jean. And then I would like to buy something to decorate my house. I would like to have of book holder because I have lots of books. Whenever I see interesting things on TV I would like to go to the mall and buy it. In my kitchen, I saw a microwave is not working anymore. On TV the commercial shows they are having a big sale in JCPenney. It cost about only sixty dollars. I think that is a good deal to buy a microwave for sixty dollars. I try to get a new laptop. But my budget is not enough to buy another computer. They are a pretty good deal for a Dell computer in a market place. The computer market is having a pretty good mark down of price now. But when I get everything together, it cost over one thousnad dollars I need to spend all of it. I think the computer is popular consumer in the market. But i make a mind that I don't want to spend not much money, because it is not worth it. Spending is not the way to feel better. How are you going to control your mind is better way to concern it. We are so busy living in collage life. Everyone needs a rest in the weekend. Shopping in a mall is good subject of good things to relax your mind. Control you're budget and thinking of controlling your mind is the best way to think.

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You know, I just don't know how to schedual my workouts and Tae Kwon Do sessions. I think that four workout days and three tae kwon do days in a week sound pretty good. I could do chest, tris, and shoulders on Sunday, Tae Kwon do on Monday, quads and hams on Tuesday, Tae Kwon Do on Wednesday, back and bis on Thursdays, Tae Kwon Do on Fridays, Calves and inner, outer and glutes on Saturday. I like that schedual because my time is not fully committed to one area of interest. I used to work out every day of the week. I also can't do that anymore because my interests in the martial arts prohibit me from emulating Markus Ruhl. The German Giant! That guy is swool. I think that's how you speel swool. As in it's swoolen. Hum, maybe it's swolen. Whatever, who cares? An English teacher ya but on stream of consiousness? Besides, what if my consiousness doesn't want me to spell it right. Maybe my mind is secretly liberal and is telling me to go against the 'establishment'. 'Damn the Man' and 'down with big brother' and all of that. Maybe it's my secret way of avoiding conformity. That all sounds like bullshit to me but who can say otherwise besides me. I guess everyone now that I've said it's b. s. but that's not the point. The point is, of this tiny fragment of thought anyway, is that I could basically come up withany excuse I wanted to explain my actions and no one could say otherwise. Why can't you go up on the 'stand' and declare yourself that you were insane at the time of the murder. I mean, expertise and all that junk doesn't insure that from one, or maybe even no meeting at all, meeting a psychologist can determine that the accused was insane at the time of the crime. Does it really even make it more likely? Lets say that my mom was killed. I'd be pretty pissed and I'd break things and fight and all that fun stuff but would I classify myself as insane at the time? No, to myself anyway. If it could get me out of trouble ya, but I would know that I was really just pissed off and sad and all like that. But whatever, how can I talk about this? I have no credentials. Which brings up another point, why do you need credentials? Why do people always quote other people in research papers. I'm mostly talking about philosophy papers and diplomatic position papers. Why quote Plato, was he so enormously intellegent that all your oqn thoughts are irrelevent? Why not write a paper about what you think? Maybe you have read some of Plato's writing, then perhaps you should discuss your thoughts on that but why form an opinion entirely off what other people have said? What does that make you? A follower, a person who does nothing but agrees. Whats that all about? How could anyone live just agreeing. It really does annoy me though, how people, some people, just quote other people. It's like you can't be wrong if you go with what some dead guy said. I say go with what you say. What's wrong with that. I'm going to make it a point to quote myself int he next paper I write fro psychology. I know that writing a position paper on an issue is your opinion but is it really YOUR opinion if you've already read what someone else has to say. I'd like to do nothing but read purely data filled reports and form my own opinions on what is going on. I also refuse to validate my position by incorporating a quote from a famous dead guy, or an alive one. What I say has importance because I am intelligent.

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You all are going to read this and say, Who the heck is this freak? The first day of the semester. I¹m tired already. I want to change to world half the time and it¹s not at all working. I hate people sometimes and I like them the next. How can people lie to you, straight to your face and still not have any trouble what so ever sleeping. Have we no morals at all? All I can think of as I return once again to the glorious UT campus is how everyone is just paying to party; paying to drink, dance and meet people. I want to learn, but I want to have fun too. I can¹t believe that all anyone thinks about anymore is the same old same old; drugs-alcohol, sex and rock and roll okay so maybe it¹s more R&B now a days. I must be warped. I want someone to tell me yeah it was a great weekend because I got to go here or there and I met with my friend so and so. Not Hey it was a great weekend, I got some chick to come back to my dorm and I got plastered. What is that? Am I the only one who thinks this way? I can¹t be. It just can¹t be that rare that I would be the only one who would want to do something besides drink and party 24/7. I must be jaded. Yes, I¹m a junior. Yes I¹ve been here a lot longer than half of these kids, fish, in our PSY class. But still, the campus is still a new place to me. Everyday is something new. I learn something new. I meet a new person. Something, anything. But something tangible. I¹m not talking about some whim like bouncing from party to party. Being pseudo friends and all. I try to be genuine. I don¹t lie to people. I¹m friendly damn it. I used to like people. People made me this way. All the mean rotten people in this world who want to lie to my face, cheat me out of my rights or just blatantly go out of their way to be rude and downright spiteful. How rude is that? I can¹t believe what our society has come to be. I can¹t wait to start learning how some people think. What makes our brain tick. Why am I the way I am. Why that mean lady who cut me off right on my way home is the way she is, like she didn¹t see my blinker, that¹s what that stupid little light is for. I didn¹t pay extra to just have extra decorations on my car. As if. Then she honks at me, like I was in the wrong, she knows she was speeding up to close the gap. How rude! I want to know why they think this way. Is this like the beginning of all of this Armageddon story. Is that what the 21st century is bringing our way. Why are we all fighting. And why am I so cynical when I¹m only 19. I should still be a naive little student who loves the world and everyone in it. But still. There are such things as being right and being wrong. What ever happen to a person¹s word? I want to know. There has to be others like me who think this way. I¹m not the only one who thinks we¹re wasting our time here. There are more important things to do in our world than worry about which frat is having the next party and whose dating who and all of that petty stupid little gossip things that buzz around the world everyday. You know it happens. It starts every morning at the water cooler or something like that and people just begin their little digs for the day. What is it with us. I hope humans weren¹t always this stupid, because let me tell you we¹re at a downfall here; crime, attitudes, lying, no morals, all of that. You know what I¹m talking about, don¹t you computer? I¹m babbling. I just want everything to make sense. It doesn¹t now. I don¹t know. I want the world to change, but how can it, when will it, what are we going to do. . .

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I have so many stressors in my life right now, and I've decided that since I have to do this stream of consciousness exercise anyway, this is probably the best place to vent. While being a freshman on a campus of 50,000 people is intimidating and scary, it isn't nearly as threatening as people made it out to be at least not yet. My current stressful situations lie in areas of my life that have nothing to do with college. To be honest, right now, my biggest problem is with my parents. After being divorced for some time now, they have just gotten to the point where they have started to fight and bicker about everything, and of course, I always end up in the middle. My mother complains about how difficult her life is because of my father, which I'm sure it is. This is not to say that he is a perfect person, because I know he is not, but the way she portrays him, you would think that he is not human. My father is very critical and judgmental of everything my mother does, and the both of them feel the constant need to tell me how they feel about the other. Now, I am adult enough to realize that after a bitter divorce, there will certainly be problems. They have every right in the world to be furious with each other. All I ask is that they do not drag me into the middle of it. I have told them both this on several occasions, and they both apologize and vow to not do it again. However, before long, they are up to the same old game again, and it makes me feel about 2 inches tall. I am forced to choose sides, and since I love both my parents, this provides for a very stressful situation. I am getting to the point that I am ready to tell them both that I will not speak to either of them or have any contact what so ever until they talk to each other and get at least to the point where they can tolerate living in the same city with one another. I don't ask that they try to love each other again, or even like each other, because those days are obviously through. I just want things to be relatively peaceful and not for there to be a war zone. Another result of this fighting is the separation of me and my siblings. This has nothing to do with the fact that I live on campus, my little sister lives with my mom, and my brother lives with my dad. While this isn't the ideal living situation, there is certainly nothing awful about it. What their fighting has caused is rifts between the kids. It has gotten to the point that we choose sides against our parents, and therefore, against each other. I feel like I can't say anything bad about my mother in front of my sister because she will just run back and report what I say. If I wanted to say those things to my mom, I would say them. I don't need a messenger. Dr Pennebaker, if you are reading this, I accidentally pressed send and did not get to complete my writing. I apologize and hope this doesn't cause any problems. Anyway, another problem I have with my family is the direct relationship between my mother and I. We have always had different personalities, and they have often clashed. We would sometimes go long periods of time when we were furious with each other, but for some reason, I feel that my current situation is the worst. She has recently undergone a lot of personal changes, mostly physical. She is in the process of discovering who she is, which is a perfectly normal thing to do after having a life as tumultuous as hers. She changed her last name, has dyed her hair several different colors, and is seriously considering a nose ring. Now, on an intellectual level, I totally understand her actions. If I were in her shoes, I would want to discover who I was also, and would feel hurt if my daughter did not approve. HOWEVER, these changes she has made still upset me immensely, and she cannot comprehend or accept why I feel this way. Until recently, I could not even explain it to myself. Through talking with a friend, I think I've begun to grasp why I have a problem with this. And here is my answer: the relationship a person has with their mother is supposed to be one of the most meaningful, important relationships of their lives. A mother, no matter how hard you try to escape her, will always be there for you and provide comfort and support. You KNOW who this person is, and they are usually a steady force in your life. Even before my mother began undergoing these changes, we had drifted apart so that I barely knew who she was. And now, after changing herself, I really don't know her. She does not seem to be a rock for my life. The hardest part for me is that she doesn't seem to care how I feel and that her changes upset me. I am not the most emotionally open person, but the fact that she was changing her name was upsetting me so that I actually confronted her about it. This is so unlike me, so I felt very vulnerable in my action. After I told her I was having a problem, she seemed sincerely concerned, and promised that we would talk about it further before she did anything. However, two days later, before we talked more, she went and changed her name anyway. I never asked her to change her life or actions for my sake. All I wanted was for her to know how I felt and that she was upsetting me. Honestly, I think this is a reasonable request. Her apparent disregard for my feelings hurt me tremendously, and we are on very bad terms at the present time. I feel very alone right now, and I'm not sleeping well. My appetite has gone down very much, and I can't seem to find pleasure in anything I do. The friends I had in high school have all moved away, and the new friends I've made at UT always seem to have more important things to do. I am nowhere near the top of anybody's priority list, and I often feel like if I were to just pack up and clear out, very few people would notice. Now, if anybody is reading this, don't think this is a plea of help from a person considering suicide. That thought doesn't come into my mind, I am just having a rough time. I know that one of Dr. Pennebaker's favorite stress relievers is to sit down and write about 'your deepest thoughts and feelings. ' At this point, I would have to agree with him that this exercise is very helpful and calms my nerves a bit. I don't know what I'll write about for other stream of consciousness exercises, because I've pretty much said everything of dire importance to me here on this page. I hope that if anybody in my life reads this and is upset by it, that they will understand that I have a special circumstance in Dr. Pennebaker's class, and I just want to be treated like all the other freshmen who have the opportunity to write and write without consequence. I know that this is just an assignment, but I truly appreciate this opportunity to vent my frustrations and do a little thinking. Thank you.

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my boyfriend is in the room and he stinks like a dirty/sweaty boy. I came over to his apt to do this homework. and then we were going to go to tops as well to get some super cute pictures of ourselves. I am also eating cheetos so it it causing me to type slower than normal. I'm usually a really fast typer, because I've had a computer for a long time. my dad is a programmer so we have always had a computer in our house. he wanted me to do computer science and I did as well, but when I came to UT I found out it is totally wrong for me. I just switched to retail merchandising and I'm not sure if that is right for me either but better than CS was. I think its funny how older people(no offense) are not really connected to the computer. the computer, can do so many wonderful things, I can't even see my life without one. don't think I'm a dork just because I said I was in CS, but take for example doing this homework online. its just so much easier to sit here and type and then turn it in electronically and then its saved to some machine and no one really had to put too much effort into it. it was a very easy/simple task. that's amazing. they said that my generation will spend like 12 years of there life online and I believe it. there is just so much to do online. I feel like I might be typing bad, but I'd like you to excuse that. I'm not really checking spelling and what not just typing. I wonder what you actually look for in these type of things, how you judge people off what they typed and then how you sort them into groups. I mean I'd hate to see what you think of me now, but it would be interesting to see if any of it really matched up to be true. so I totally love Paris Hilton, she is such a riot. I think its funny people don't like her because she has everything and because of the way she acted on her show. but I wont get into that, however she came out with a new book. I want to read it, I think it will be amusing. on a side note, I'm not really sure why I'm eating cheetos, I don't really like them, just every now and then I crave them. I absolutely hate how they make your mouth orange and gross feeling. I just dropped one on my lap and it left that residue and its gross to think that is all in your teeth. I really hope this thing is self timed and not expecting me to be timing myself. I never realized 20 minutes would feel like so long. maybe because I'm starving and I just want to go eat and go to tops, it feels like that. I hate that. how are you suppose to do something that feels like eternity. I feel bad because its like my boyfriend is waiting on me to finish this so we can go. I was going to do it earlier but I was having a hard time getting the pre-screening thing to work. then once I did it takes so freaking long to load each page its like pointless. you almost just want to not look and just click each thing as fast as you can to get it over with, because its so freaking slow. I still have to go back and finish that and I dread it. however, I think my boyfriend is entertained now because I can here he is playing playstation two in the next room. gosh I'm so hungry and this is taking way to long. I have now moved on to goldfish to eat. speaking of eating in that pre screening thing all those questions about food and over eating. wow. I feel bad that so many people have eating disorders, I know quite a few. so many things for girls to be stressed about. I hate how people just think you can diet and loose it all. they think its all just food related. I hate how little kids are so fat today. I wish people would help teach kids how to eat. they let them eat ANYTHING. they are so worried about other things it seems like they forget to teach them about diet and exercise. or they don't set the example themselves. my hair stylist has this really great trick where she only lets her kids have 1 coke aka soda per day and they only get it in the evening if they have done ALL their homework and their daily chore. then they also get a snack sized candy (the little bitty bite size) as a treat as well for doing their homework and stuff and the kids thing that is such a treat. then there are kids who drink like 8 cokes a day. crazy crazy. I wonder what it is like for your generation to look down on us and you probably think we are all lazy. we use the computer for everything and our clothes and music. its just rather funny how everyone is amazed by the last generation. I'm really starting to wonder is this is self timed or computer timed. I can't imagine it not being computer timed. I can't imagine being the person who reads all this crap. it has to get old and what happens if you miss something important? that could suck all that work and you miss a small detail. but that could happen anywhere I guess. I'm so hungry its not funny. I'm glad I don't have to pee or anything that would just suck. I feel like my mind is going blank because I'm so bored. I wonder if people ever fall asleep doing this. it would be easy. gosh its really bothering me the time thing at the top doesn't have any numbers. like its keeping time per say. I'm quitting this at 4 o'clock even if this thing doesn't stop itself because I know I'll be over the time if I wait till 4 so you can't cut my grade cause your thing didn't work. oh crap this clock is fast so I'll quit like 8 min before 4 and that should be even. I feel like I started this at 3:30 hmmmmmm I can't really remember. damn it. this sucks ass. I don't see how this is helping you. just making me get annoyed because I don't know when I started so i dont know when I can end and just go on with my life. I wonder if you really do read all of these or just skim it or run it through a word finder. I feel like this is pointless and I'm past my typing time. I have no concept of time, but I don't know if anyone really does. just depends on what they are doing or what's going on around them and etc. time is a funny thing. more goldfish to cure my growling stomach/boredom. ouch I just kicked the computer or something underneath me. and it hurt. to bad I'm not on my computer cause then I could be laying in bed doing this. wireless and laptops. genius. the count down to me hitting the finish button and quitting all of this is t-minus 3 minutes and counting. 3:55 will be the new time for completion. 3 more minutes. and I'm stumped. I don't know what to type/talk about. ooooooo 2 minutes and counting. ok randomness: I am not sure what I'm going to do tonight, I might go to a party or something, however I'm not going to dress up really cause I'm just feeling a chill vibe. 0ne minute. . and probably have a few drinks, or either rent movies and stay the night in with my boyfriend. sweet guy. not sure we are completely on the same page, but we have years for that to develop. . Times up.

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I 'm doing this because for the first time all night my modem got out og dobve without the number being busy. I spent the whole night doing homework as well as most of the day. I'm really hungry right now which sucks because no pllace is open right now. I'm really happy I got bakc with my girlfriend last night. I went thrugh what I'd call semi depression during our breakup. I lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks and would eat maybe one snack cake per day. I was really forlorn. I cut all my facial hair, which took me 2 weeks to grow. I got a short note from her last week saying she wanted to get bcak to gether. I called her talked and on Sunday night we went to Creed. / It was one of the best concerts I've seen I n a long time. I think I might buy that CD. Jeesze I'm starving. I wish I could get a bite to eat. I have to be up a 7:10 tomorrow f or class, That really sucks that I havce to gfet up every morning at 7 while my roommate sleeps till noon. Its not faiR! I think I'jll call Leah ukp tomorrow. I haven't talked to her since Sunday. I miss her. It's pretyy cold in my room right now. Last night it was freeszing. My roommate brought over his friend and wastched Pollitically INcorrect while I was trying to study how rude. She was disgustingly overweight. She desperatley needs to go on a diet. I saw this really fat guy at the concert last night. Weighted at least 500lbs. I hope he didn't take off his shirt during the middle fo the show otherwise that'd be gross. I'm getting sick of listening to Pearl Jam and I 'm gettting really tired. Maybe I should skip my early class tomorrow. I was fine this mornign and around 5 I started becoming really drowsy. I don't understand how I can always be tired at 5-6 but then take 3 hours before I fall asleep. Well I'm going to bed.

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16

Stream of Consciousness? Well actually I've never done this before but it seems like there's nothing to it. I just tell you what I'm thinking, right? Well here is what I am feeling. Right now I am feeling anticipation because I have a load of laundry going downstairs. I really cant wait till its done. I guess this feeling of Anticipation is only natural since I am doing laundry. If I wasn’t doing laundry and I still felt like I was waiting for something then that might be a little bit out of the ordinary. I am also feeling a tad fatigued, considering that I have been up on my feet all day. I sense that I could also trace that to the fact that I only got five hours of sleep last night. I cant stop typing for twenty minutes I cant stop typing for twenty minutes. This stream of consciousness stuff is really bizarre. It really makes absolutely no sense to me. That might be considered a feeling of confusion or bewilderment stemming most likely from my misunderstanding of this assignment. From what I write will you guys over there be able to tell what kind of person I am? There you go, another sensation: one of curiosity. That is I wonder why on earth am I doing this. I guess there can also be a slight feeling of frustration since I am doing something that I do see the purpose of. One thing that I do notice is that there are no margins on this site, so if I wanted to I could write and write and write and write and make one really long line , in a sense a veritable stream of consciousness. That wasn’t very clever. Anyway I was also wondering how many people create a phantom margin like I have been doing what does that tell you or me about me. Do I like order or do I like being able to see everything that I have written in front of my face. Well do you know what? Its both. I like order most of the time. I need to keep on typing I need to keep on typing I need to keep on typing. Another sensation I feel you say? Hunger. I have not eaten in a while. Also I only ate one meal today. I guess that is a sign of stress. I am usually not that stressed out. I don’t really feel too much stress. My sleeping patterns are relatively normal(except for last night). I really cant figure out what this assignment does. Is this supposed to help me or you? IS this apart of some survey or something? From analyzing all these stream of consciousness documents will you be able to certain things and similarities we all share, thought patterns and what not? By the way, who should I be talking to anyway? I have been using "you" for a while. I feel like I've been talking to "you" for so long and we haven't even met. How's it going? My name is Walker. It is a pleasure to meet you, "you. " Introductions aside, let's get back to this S. O. C. nonsense. Actually, let's not; my time is up. Take it easy.

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26

I'm sitting in the library not much is going on in the building or in my head. I was hoping to have more to type, to be more prepared, but this is the best I can do with how ready I am now. It's very quiet, just the hum of my computer and that of one other guy's, people coughing, talking below a whisper, throwing things noisily into trash cans . . . or perhaps it's only apparently noisily, as this is a library, I've been here a while and thus am habituated to the relative soundlessness. Habituation is interesting, it's as though any noise could be going on for a day or so and after the first couple hours you'd hardly pay attention anymore. You'd only recognize it again once someone pointed it out, then it'd fade. So much is like that, for instance, it is only through feeling sad that we can fully appreciate our times of happiness. Only through experience of evil that we can differentiate good from it. That which makes things most apparent is contrast. I could draw you a picture of a polar bear in a blizzard or a black dog in the middle of a dark forest and you'd probably see a white sheet of paper or a black sheet of paper, respectively, but if I drew you a picture of a grizzly bear in a rainstorm or a green dog in broad daylight then I'd have to actually have some artistic talent, which I don't, but once again, it's only through viewing my doodling and bad sketches that you can recognize the masterpieces of van gogh, rembrandt, escher. Escher's an interesting one, his pictures representing in 2 dimensions that which is impossible in three, or simply tesselating objects that wouldn't normally be juxtaposed . . . it's like listening to bach, the crab cannon, sorry to use the stuff straight from GEB, EGB, but it's a great book and the several recognitions today of godel's theorem in action around me have brought it to mind. Even if you're prepared for everything, even if nothing can catch you off guard, something will. With any logical system that is sufficiently complex, all theorems within that system are not derivable using the logic of that system. The anomalous terms, numbers, theorems, whateveryoulike, are put into a new group, and labeled, still underivable, but at least named. But what is to name something? Very far from actually understanding it. So we separate those out, create a class for them, etc, and say we've rendered godel's proof useless, but he answers, pulling yet more whateveryoulikes out of your system, causing it to constantly divide, in infinite schisms rendering scientific method, mathematics, logic, thought, computers, money, the world senseless, but hell sartre, camus, kafka all did that in their own ways. Murphy and Godel, two sides of the same coin, one the observationalist who saw that the other's mathematical explanation of Murphy's law was true. I hope that makes sense to someone besides me. How can anyone ever trust words? They give us so little to go on. Try describing an experience you had to someone else. They'll hear your words, take them to mean something, then perhaps if your experience was interesting they'll attempt to pass it on to someone else, but all they have to go on is your original words, remembered imperfectly, thus if they're asked to elaborate they cannot. Divorced from your own head, your own experiences this same thing could happen to you as an individual as opposed to spanning people. The impossible to deny separation of the observer and the observed defies the unity each of us feels exists in the world. I am the universe and I act in the universe. I can view only so much of it and wow this has gone to quite an odd part of my head. Let's try some meditation. You hide, they seek. Sound should precede action, light should precede all, but that is not always the case. Instantaneous data transfer thru entanglement disrupts causality. This is as true now as it will be now. Hahaha. oops. I don't know what it means. My ass hurts. I should shift or something. That's better. I think I forgot what I was supposed to be thinking about. Don't take points off, please, haha. I still don't know what it means. Any of it. I've done this type of thing before but the time I remember best the words that came out were absolute nonsense. The goal was to choose your next word based on how it sounded being connected to the previous words. Phrases like 'other ear' came up, each word having a similar 'er' sound in it, and other odd things like that, and that one I was handwriting and somehow, I still can't explain it, I just got stuck repeatedly, perhaps recursively, writing the letter ddddddd

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I've been thinking a lot about this next weekend. Tryint to plan everything out so I get to see everyone. I miss home. The people, the places. My church, my room, and all the little things too. Just the familiar surroundings that make home what it is. So peaceful. So safe. One things I've found at college is that there's a void in my life that can't be filled. It won't ever be tha same. The relationships with people back home, that's the biggest void of them all. Susan, Amy, Jennifer, John, Mikey, Jeni, Ms. Betty, my parents. You can't replace that. It's always there, just sitting, empty. Sure, I can meet new people, do new things, but you can never replace a person, a relationship. They're all differnt and unique. My left arm is tired. Well, I just thought that so I figured I'd write it. And I just thought about writing about my arm. Wow! And I JUST thought about thinking about writing about my arm. It never ends. weird. I've always been interested in how the human minds works. It's funny when you think about it. Here we are, using our minds, trying to figure out how our own minds work! Isn't that weird? When you think about it, where do you get yourself? How can you come to a conclusion when the conclusion you're trying to come to, is actually the tool you're trying to come to that conclusion with? It's impossible. An endless cirlce of thought and ideas. The human mind is a mystery, and always will be. That kind of impresses me that I came with that. Gee, I'm smart. Just kidding. Well. ten more minutes. Ok, I ;ve gone from missing home to pondering about the human mind. My shoulder hurts. Wow, I complain a lot. I'm feeling my elbow right now. It's swollen or something. I'm not sure why. I've been working out a lot so that might have something to do with it. Who knows? It doesn't hurt, but I don't know if I should avoid straining it or what. I'm supposed to work out today. We'll see. I've been thinking about someone back home a lot. Her name is Cam and we met about a month before I left for college. There was this kind of initial attraction I guess you'd say. Kind of weird. I haven't had anything like that in a couple of years. I think it was her bright personality. She has thing kind of glow about her. She's always laughing. I like that in people, because I need to laugh more sometime. So we kind of talked about our relationship some, and I told her I didn't think it was best if we committed to anything, I mean, since I was leaving for college. She's a junior in high school. But we've kept in touch a lot. I think she wants a committment, but I don't think that's smart. But you know, there are sometimes when what is smart isn't what is right. Sometimes we have to do the irrational and just dive in without holding back. It's like faith. God doesn't always make sense to me. I hear all the time people trying to disprove God, or Christ, or the Bible, or christianity. like I'm taking this class, the Rise of Christianity, and he always tries to show flaws in the Bible or myths about the early churches, or whatever. But the fact is this: I know what Jesus has done in my life, and nothing can change that. EVER! What He did WAS illogical, it WAS beyond understanding, it WAS a miracle! And NOTHING can disprove that, not science, not anything. How do people react to that then? Well, people's final defense is usually, "Well, then you must be crazy. " And if that's all they have, then I'll take that any day. Times up. Hey, I liked this assignment. I think I will enjoy this class.

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In high school I felt smart. Now I just am a face lost in the crowd. There are so many peole-so unfamiliar. What will I do? All my friends went to different colleges. The only new people I know are my roomates-and they all have friends from high school to hang with. I feel like an outcast, like an ugly, fat, freshman, high schoolish girl. Even in my pledge class, all the other girls know each other from camp or home or watever. I have made friends though. I feel like my story is a depressing one, but I really am a happy person and I am enjoying college-being away from home. I thought that coming to college I would somehow escape the whole social thing. Obviously there is no escaping society. I was a Debutante, Neches River Festival Grand Lady-in-waiting, Senior Class Vice-President, and so much more. I was shown in the "higher" society. I hated it some, I liked it some. I guess I mainly liked the in control feeling and the attention. I went to public school, not private like most all of the people who came here from Beaumont, so I really am not friends with mopst of the people I know. The girls I know-from home and in my pledge class-all live in Hardin House. I live in Towers. There again, I feel like an outcast. I feel that somehow these girls look down on me. It seems like all the girls from Hardin house are all so close-and I am not allowed to be a part of their "group. " Sometimes I just want to go home and be with my friends-where I felt I belong. I am excited to be in college, but-now I'm crying-but anyway, I just feel too young. But going home would show a weakness-I can't go home-I can't show that I want to or have an interest. I have always been the strong hard-headed type that doesn't show emotions. I was sick of being at home-I like it here, but it's hard-school that is. I want to do good in school and show my parents and grandparents-that I am a worthy person and I can survive-on my own. I really am happy, but I guess it is just cold feet. It is just going to take some time to adjust and become a sociable person, again. I know I can do it-make my grades and everything-even if it means giving up a party, or two or ten. I will make it and I will succeed. I am forever changing and growing up, but I need to find who I am -as an individual and on my own rather than hide behind the shadow of my comfort zone.

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Right now my thoughts are geared toward wether or not I just submitted a blank page because I hit the tab button so I could write in paragraph form and then boom. the screen said you have submitted, thankyou. But anyways I hadn't even started. Right now I have no idea what I am supposed to be writing, the assignment seems to easy. Usually that means I'm doing something wrong. Right now my thoughts are concentrating on thinking of things to write. I feel like I'm in a sort of mellow mood, after all, there's not much excitng going on right know. I have calculus to do and I almost don't want to pick up the book because I know I won't be able to do some, andthen I may get a bad grade on the homework. That means that I will get a bad grade in the class unless I do perfect on the tests. Well, I wish I knew how to type, not that this assignment would go by any faster. Sensations? Well I'm sitting on a chair, I can feel it supporting me. I have this habit of biting my lips, so I can feel that to. Only bite the inside of your lips because then they don't look all messed up all the time. If someone reads this they are going to think strange things of me. I wonder if the box keeps going, yes it does. Wait. agh. a drink of water. More sensations!! I felt the water coldly flow down my neck where I imagine it's being mixed with luch. which was a 9 inch sub from "PO Boys?" At least it was relatively healthy, but it's more expensive than Wendy's. Oh man I hope that somebody doesn't call because I might have to write this over again. Or does the computer automatically kick you off the internt when you have been on for more than 10 minutes and not done anything, that would be bad. Does that mean that I would have to go back and write this all over again. Well, I can't wait to get this done because I get to relax for one damn second of the day. I've been up since 7 walking around carrying ahuge bag on my back. It makes me hunch over because if I stand up straight then I would fall over. I hope I don't have a bad back when I'm older. at least I'll be smart. Wow I've already been writing for 15 minutes, probably about the wrong stuff, but hey. Another sensation is my fingers hitting the keyboard. And I can see the keyboard. My cell phone just rang, I could hear that. Well, anyways, this whole 20 minute thing is leaving me with nothing else to think about. I wonder what other people wrote, actually I could care less. Their interpretation of the directions is no better than mine, but anyways. I really hope this actually submits. after all, it is the last minute. I'm glad Paul reminded me.

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the weekend was nice. an old family friend came up to visit. I've known him since 3rd grade I think? something like that. bowling. Bumming around. Gaming. pool. Eating. Etc etc. Was fun. now back to class after a long weekend. ugh. These classes aren't very interesting. But that's ok. it's just basic sequence right now. once I start taking major sequence classes. I think it will become more interesting. these classes just seem like a hassle. I never liked writing assignments. Mostly because I've never been a strong writer. I'm not very skilled at thinking of what to write. words never seem to flow. I don't know. I really wonder what I'll do with my life. biomedical engineering sounds all fancy and stuff. But will it really provide me with a decent life in the future? I really don't know. it doesn't seem like there's much flexibility with this major. I do take cem, phys, bio courses and stuff. So it seems like my work covers over areas from different majors. I guess I'll have a wide variety of knowledge. But I won't be an expert in any of the areas. plus with competition from foreign sources. The future scares me even more. I guess I do get somewhat bitter when I think about how researchers may earn something like 40-50K a year. But then the MBA that hired them gets 100+ perhaps? that's just bs. I don't think it's very fair at all. But nothing's ever very fair. man. I really want a job. I have time I guess. But no transportation. and then not all the jobs I've looked through were at the right times. I applied for something at the LAN cave in jester. I hope I get that. then I need to start looking for scholarships. Internships. Summer research. Etc etc etc. oh yeah. I need to look for an apartment for next year. I really don't want to end up in the dorms again. as much as I like the fast internet. I really want a room of my own. And the freedom that comes with living in a place of your own. I guess it is pretty free in the dorms. But I can't blast the music when I want to. Or turn up the volumes for gaming. besides. Blanton isn't really the best dorm out there either. not having a sink in the room really sucks. it's not a big deal to walk to the bathroom. But for stuff like making ramen. A quick wash of the face. Or maybe just a drink of cool water. I have to make a trip. I guess I'm just lazy. But it's odd that some dorms have sinks in the room and others don't. only ten minutes have passed. Feels like a lot more than that. time passes slowly when you're not having much fun. I like seeing things animated. Or in motion. sitting and writing. Or reading. They're not that interesting. I do like reading about computer technology and astronomy and cars and stuff. But it's hard to make myself sit down and read a book like harry potter. I haven't done that in years. yeah. I don't think I've willingly read a fiction book since middle school. I remember those redwall and mossflower books. I guess they were the trend back in the day. I signed up for the 3rd coast gaming competition later this month. aiya. I'm a bit worried. playing at the arcades isn't like playing on a console. the controls feel different. plus. When I play at the arcades. I get beaten a lot. I guess it kind of hurts my confidence. But that's ok. I'll just see how I match up with the other people in the competition. besides. It's only $10. And I think it'll be fun to watch the l337 play. I could really go for a huge huge glass of orange juice right now. Maybe some pluckers wings too. I don't know. What should I write about. "anything at all". it's so vague. I like having a little more of an idea of what I'm doing. *shrug*. Oh well. don't use this as a cry for help huh. I don't really cry out for help. well. Not in very noticeable ways. keeping secrets hurts you huh. I guess I've probably shortened my life a lot then. aiya. Being Asian. That's my excuse. the guy isn't really supposed to show weakness. Heh. What a stupid way of thinking. But after 18 years. It's hard to break the habit. I wonder how people can be so carefree. I hope the year goes well. I really do. Too much tension everywhere. I really just want to break lose and forget all the responsibilities I have. But I don't think I can. it's just not something I'd do. I'm tired. I need to find something. Someone amazing. I don't want to just cruise through life.

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Why do people always seem to stress out over the most petty and unimportant things? It seems as though when we leave the mundane routine of college life and enter the college atmosphere that our perceptions and opinions of people and things become all the more important. When my roommate and I went shopping at the Galleria mall this weekend these petty issues seemed ever present. Girls shopping beside us charging obscene amounts of money onto daddy's credit cards. Have many teens forgotten about the value and importance of money? I also this weekend began to wonder why some guys are so hung up on their appearances and homophobic. My new friend Kenny happens to be fixated on getting dates/girlfriend and there is this guy in his complex who really likes him. The entire time at the mall Kenny asked my roommate and I if random people were hotter than he was. This relentless insecurity and constant echo of self degredation was honestly quite draining. Why can't people just accept that they are who they are and be happy at that? Society's fixation on appearances and wealth have truly begun to mask what is ultimately important in friendships and relationships. Most people seek relationships on all levels with people who share the same interests and personality traits that support their own beliefs and that can reciprocate other ideas that they themselves may not think on their own. Why is love and relationships always such a larghe chunk of a teen's life. I myself have realized recently that I've spent a great many years in relationships loving someone and being loved in return. We as a society place so much emphasis on dating, relationships, and marriage that our thoughts and actions always seemed aimed at such goals. I mean look at the fixation that many college age individuals have on dating shows. In high school many an AP Calculus class were spent discussing Elimidate and the trashy or sexy guys/girls that were on the particular episode. I myself admit to watching the trash, but for some reason society has aimed my eye to these sort of shows. Since I arrived on campus dorm life has truly agreed with me. I worried for months that my roomate would be just dreadful of that we would have little to nothing in common. Fortunately, my roommate and I have a great deal in common and are turning out to be great friends. The University has also provided me with many unexpected opportunities. Besides the rec center, I'm signing up for rock climbing, the music school has turned out to be unexpectedly positive. I have played the violin since I was 8 years old . In the past year I have realinzed that I genuinely desired to teach music in elementary school. When I arrived at UT on the first day of school I was terrified of auditioning for the UT Symphony orchestra. When I arrived outside of professor Noe's office I was greeted by many unfamiliar faces of musicians much older than me. My nerves seemed to overwhelm me as I walked in the room. All I could think about was trying not to rush or let my nerves get the best of me. I felt that the audition went well but I was forced to wait the entire weekend for the results. As it turned out my audition had gone as well as I had felt. I was seated 10th chair in the orchestra in the 1st violin section. I can't wait for tomorrow to start yet another exciting adventure in my college career and meet more new and exciting people. Alas, I have to go to work and spend my entire weekend hosting, babysitting, and waiting tables. Hopefully everyone will come home from college on Friday so we can catch up on all the new happenings and just relax and enjoy each other's company.

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Does this writing assignment have to be in essay format? This whole electronic assignment is very new to me and I have no clue what i should do! I'm guessing this is kind of a journal type thing. As I'm typing, my fingers are shaking. The whole day has been very nerve wrecking because i feel so stupid in class! College is a completely different world and I honestly don't know how well i will do! Do i have to capitalize my I's ? I type much faster if I don't. so many things are going through my mind, like what should i write about? what should i wear to the party tonight? am i even going the party? i wonder if there will be any cute guys there. This 20 minute period is going by very slow. i keep making typing errors because i am trying to type fast, but my hands are shaking! my foot is numb! i am so paranoid! am i even doing this assignment right? im trying not to stop too much, but i keep making errors that i have to go back and fix. why am i shaking? my sister's wedding is on saturday, i wonder if its going to turn out right. she's been taking on all of the responsibilities such as flower arrangements, restaurant decorations, etc. i offered to help, but she declined. oh my goodness! its only been 7 minutes?! what else am i supposed to write? i remember doing something like this in AP Language. Mendrop made us go outside somewhere and type what we felt or things we observed in nature and relate somehow. i hope this is a similar assignment, if not then i am doing this completely WRONG! im very sleepy because i haven't gotten much sleep since school started, yesterday. i only got four hours of sleep on tuesday night and then seven hours last night. i'm pretty sure im not going to get much sleep over the weekend becasue its my sister's wedding and i have to help as much as possible. im only half way through with the assignment. i think im running out of thoughts. my classes really make me nervous. i felt so stupid in calculus today. i knew all of the questions he asked, but it took me twice as long as everyone else to answer! i don't think i made a very good impression on buskirk either. falling asleep on the first day of school and not following directions correctly the next doesn't actually give the professor a very good first impression. why can't i make friends with people? i don't think im very social unless people talk to me first. i'm getting very sleepy. my eyes are drooping as i type. will i get an incompletion grade for this assignment because i dotn kno if im doing this correctly. i am really taking this assignment seriously! my fingers and knees are shaking, but i think mostly because im so pooped. i miss home a little. i miss not having so many responsibilities like paying bills, college, etc. the professors i have are actually nicer than i expected, but then its also only the second day of school. i don't kno how much high school prepared me for college becasue i don't really know what to expect anymore. all of these online registrations to get your grades, do your homework, etc. is very confusing. i am trying to keep up in every class, but its so hard to becasue the class is so big. every day, i think, what am i supposed to do now? i try really hard to make good grades and all, but it doesn't feel like its enough. i think im actually a good student, but im a visual learner. im trying to think of what to say next, but nothing in particular is on my mind. i see things infront of me, but i have no thoughts about it. Britney spears is a great dancer, but she's got a wierd voice. i think the american idol should be kelly clarkson. she's a great singer. i wish i was that talented. i wish i was a genious who was pretty and talented, but instead im more of a moderately intelligent average looking girl who tries too hard. i feel like a loser. time is almost up. i didnt' realize how hard it was to keep track of my thoughts. i think its hard because when im thinking, its just a continuous flow, but when i have to actually pay attention to what im thinking, then i feel forced to think of something. its kind of like when someone asks you to sing. you can sing to yourself anytime, but when you are forced to sing, its like you don't know what to sing and you get nervous. i don't think i wrote much for twenty minutes. i did have to pause a couple of times though so i can remember everything i was thinking. it feels so much easier now, but i still don't kno if i got the assignment right. do you deduct points for punctuation, grammar, capitalization, etc. ?

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I like this writing assignment. It seems easy. I know I'm doing this pretty early, but it's okay. I don't want to go to class tomorrow. My roommate is playing his music pretty loudly but I don't care because I do the same thing. I wonder if I set my alarm clock. 8:30 is way too early for me. I sure do type slowly. I can still hear my roommate's music. I need to pee, but I can't. I have to wait 20 minutes. This is getting boring. I'm not very thoughtful today. Maybe it's because I am tired. I may go to sleep early today, but I know I won't. I am so glad that I only have two classes tomorrow. My roommate is talking on the phone again. I'm very delighted that I got a cool roommate. Man, only seven minutes passed. I'm getting so tired and bored. My roommate just left. He sure does go out a lot. I hope he doesn't wake me up tomorrow morning. Home. I miss my house, my turtles, my mom, my dad, and my friends. I sure do have lots of electronics in my dorm. I wonder why dogs howl at the moon. Man that was sure random. My keyboard is pretty cool. I still need to pee. Gosh only ten more minutes to go. I am halfway there. My shoulder is starting to hurt. I wonder how many words I can type a minute. Gosh, I'm glad that I am using Word. I cannot spell today. I still need to get my course packet. I'll probably go tomorrow. This is weird. I feel like I am talking to myself, but it is kind of cool. I wonder how people just came up with computers. I am sure glad that I am living in a society with AC. I would so be sweating everyday. It's so hot here, but not as humid as Houston, that is a plus. I wonder if I am supposed to be writing sentences or not. Oh well, I only have five more minutes to go. I don't watch television as much as I used to. I need to start watching the news. I never know what's going on in the world. I don't even know the names of the presidential candidates' running mates. Gosh, I wonder how many words I have typed so far. This page is filling up. There are only three more minutes to go. Then I get to send this in. I wonder if you are going to read this. I need to stop my online slang for writing. My chair sounds like a fart when I move it. Oh oh, two more minutes, and then I'm done. That pretesting sure took a long time to fill out. One more minute left. Man, I lost my thought. I wonder how many seconds are left. My stomach is starting to make noises. There sure are a lot of underlinings in this paper. Woohoo, all done.

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ok its 1018. here I go I feel like I'm the bum in waiting for godot. just write continuously, ha I keep messing up I can't keep up wait her I go there are my typing skills or not I wonder how I should take over the world I keep building up my bases on alpha centauri but the drones keep rioting its always on the bases that were conquered why don't the other leaders realize that drones aren't as efficient as people. if any of the other leaders attacks me I'm going to have more trouble this time because my military is outdated, but hopefully it wont be to them my tech is still ahead but I don't know how far ahead. I guess Emily's leaving about now, she's naive sometimes what's it like at this mixer its where a bunch of frat guys hit on you what a match its when whichever one hit on you successfully tries to get you drunk and take advantage of you I can't believe there's a theme, I thought we grew out of it in high school. I don't like the idea of some of the things she wants to do I don't know if she's naive or if she's pretending I don't think it would be as big a deal if had pledged this semester in some ways I like it but in a lot of others I really don't it surprising to hear blake pledged, I don't know if he wants to be friends,,. ,. friends. I wish had some. I'm getting to know more people like in my study group but everyone here seems to have their own agenda. its harder making friends than I thought I thought more people would be looking to make friends. the guys next door are in a fight I bet its about that time when pot luck people decide if they're going to get along, I don't like my roommate, but at least I already found someone to switch with he's always on my computer when I get home, he jumps up like I wont know that just implies guilt or hell try and explain, its just annoying he's supposed to get one man. I'm not a very fast typist I better get better if I want that secretarial job. I wonder what everybody's doing tonight I wish I had more friends like me. I need to remember to get my shots tomorrow. I'm running out of things to think about all this thinking is making me tired, well there's the answer to your survey, thinking makes you tired and since stressed people get less sleep they're more tired so I must be more stressed right, wrong that's getting an explanation from correlation, you can't do that, see I get this stuff I don't want to have to relearn the brain, I already did that in bio in high school, o wait I ran over the time, I'm done

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31

I'm just sitting here in the library wondering if this semester is going to get a lot harder. Everyone of my friends is struggling in some way or another. I keep asking myself whether or not I'm am going to make it in my major. My major is petroleum engineering and its not exactly the easiest major. My friends say they don't know what I got myself into, but I keep telling them I'll be fine to not worry about me. When I say this I am just trying to reassure myself instead of trying to convince them that I will be fine. This library is all to silent I think I just want to make some noise but that would be wrong to mess up all these people who just feel there barely grasping the concepts of what they are doing. While I'm sitting in the library my mind keeps wondering whether or not I am going to make an A on the chemistry exam on Tuesday. I feel bombarded with chem and I don't know if I am going to be able to remember all three chapters. My mind keeps telling me that I will be fine that I just have to get used to it. High School was so much different than college in that you had to much time you didn't know what to do with it. That hasnt been my problem lately the only problems I have had all are about having not enough time. Every time I talk to my girlfriend back home, a senior in high school, I tell her to take advantage of having a lot of time on her hands because college is no where near as easy. I know older people had told me the same but I really never believed them and always felt as though they were exagerating. Oh yeah I am getting off topic but this library is just boring me. I feel that everyone is ahead of me on everything. I feel like they all grasp the ideas that I don't. In high school I was ahead of everyone of my friends but now it seems to me like all of my friends are ahead of me. Maybe that's just me overthinking. I can now smell some food as though somebody has brought something into the library. It smells like a piece of chocolate. Maybe it is a candybar of some sort. I don't really care because that smell kind of nauseates me. I am not a real big fan chocolate but I do love chocolate ice cream. Something about the sweetness is to much for me to endure. Lately I have been getting really home sick because of my girlfriend. I miss her very much and wish she would move up here right away. SHe is graduating a semester early from HS and is going to move to austin and attend ACC for the remainder of the year. I offered for her to move in with me and she said she would ask her parents. I hate to say it but her mom is a good for nothing lazy ass. Her father moved from italy to america in the early seventies with not a dollar to his name. The man now owns a 30 million dollar business that he started from nothing. He now works twelve hour days and then comes home to make a three course italian meal, not spaghetti out of the jar, for the whole family while the mom just sits on her computer or plays tennis all day. All she does is just bitcht at the whole family to do things. She is one of the most ungrateful people I have ever encountered in my whole entire life. People who have only met her once or twice do not agree because she puts on a show for them but I see the real her everyday.

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19

My roommate is throwing gummy bears at me. My favorite flavor is the pineapple ones. My roommate is rambling. Pineapples make me think of he beach. The Bahamas. White sand, clear water. I am thirsty. I don't drink enough water during the day. I hear slaming doors, faint radio tunes threw the walls. My window is huge and the view is of a tree. I hear water flowing. My feet are cold. They are always cold. The enter key keeps getting stuck on the keyboard. I need to grease it I guess. I hate greasy fried foods. Dinner tonight was not to great in Kinsolving. I hear a cell phone ringing. I wish I had more minutes on my cell phone. I see the room phone ringing now. The door just opened. Tulips are my favorite flower. They only grow during certain seasons. I with I had tulips. They don't last as long as roses or carnations. Chi O's flower is a carnation. Carnations are funeral flowers. Why does it always rain at funerals. I haven't been to a funeral in several years. I can't spell. The shift key keeps getting stuck too. I hope I get to be on the Diamonds. I need to apply. I miss Cody. He is coming soon. I hope he gets here early. I wonder how Kristin did on her interview. I am sure she was fantastic. I hope she liked Houston better. I hear cars outside. My feet are freezing. I have socks on. my socks are dirty. There are grammer mistakes in this writing. I hope I get to go to church Sunday. I miss my old church. I need to pray more. Man Im glad we are still friends. The game is going to be fun. Do i need to get there early. I wonder where my cousin lives. I wonder what he would have cooked for us. What ever it was, I'm sure it would have been better than what I ate. I can't believe he called me. When will I go home. When will I find a place i like to study. When will this place feel homey. I need to cut my nails. It is hard to type. I need a pedicure too. Ther're my favorite. I like the chairs you sit in. They put me to sleep. I never know how much to tip the woman that works on my nails. My back doesn't hurt. I can't believe it. This chair is hard. I liked stud

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11

Today is another boring day. I do not know why I chose UT for. It is so differnt from what I thought it would be. Its mainly hard work, but you have a lot of free time to do whatever you want to. I get so bored just staying in my dorm room not doing anything. It is sooooooooo BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I rather go back to Wichita Falls, and attend MSU. Atleast its an smaller school, and I know a lot of people there. Wil I be able to go back this Labor Day weekend, to see everybody, and attend my aunt's weddinng? I really really really really want to go back. It is sooooooooooo lonelky up here. I just sit in my dorm room and study myself to death. I barely hae any friends here. Most of my friend are back in WF. Wichita Falls, Boy I wish I could be there right now. It has the most fun and memorable events that happen in my life. Those innoncent years, where you don't have to worry about anything. Your parents were always there for you. Now it seem like I'm on my own. This really sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I just want to be back home in my own bed, back at high schools being able to talk to the people I know in class. Being able to call teacher Mr. & Mrs. instead of Dr. now. What difference does it make???????? Its just a titile. The sun is shining bright today. Hopefully, my mood will be like that. I have been so down and homesick lately. I just wish I can just go home and be Mommy and Daddy little girl again. My aunt's wedding is this Saturday. I wonder if she'll make a pretty bride or not. School is driving me nuts here. So far, it has been pretty easy, but I don't know what will happen when all the mdterms come. I think I may bombed everything. I miss all my friends!!!!!!!! I'm still am deciding wheter I should join a sorority or not. It is an easy way to make friends, but I heard that it was mianly parties, and I know that my parents will kill me if I become a party animal. The weather in Austin is sooooo hot and humid. Wichita Falls was hot, but not humid. The humid weather made it worse. I am thinking about my classes that will bother me tomorrow. Its sooooooooo much work in chemistry and emerging scholars. I think it may not bother me that much but who knows what the future holds. Austin is such a lonely place with oiut a car. I heard 6th street is pretty fun. Maybe I should pay a visit over there. BUt I heard that there are a lot of crazy people over there too. Man, life sucks doesn't it? the fun things are always follow by danger.

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14

I got home from Burnet today from hunting and it wasn't that great. The dove weren't flying when I was there maybe its because I'm bad luck. Sometimes I think stupid things like that, like maybe for instance people were catching fish before I got there then when I got there I didn't catch anything and neither did anybody else. Super smells really good right now I think mom is cooking mashed potatoes and ribs. Sounds really good because I'm so hungry I haven't eaten all day. Speaking of not eating all day I just realized how fun my weekend was. That's why I haven't really eaten that much. Food sounds so good. Friday night I went out to a few parties and tried to get into frat parties but they're all gay and wont let any dudes in. Even though it was me with a bunch of girls they still wouldn't let me in. I'm pissed. From now on when I have a party I'm not letting any frat people in just hot sorority girls. Some of my friends are in sororities they seem cool. Anyway, then I went to the UT game on Saturday and we stomped all over North Texas. I kind of felt bad but not really. Its weird to be at a UT game and say "this is my school. " I'm so used to being in high school and going to high school games I'm not used to seeing 80000 people at a game for my school. I wish school didn't involve class. I love the college atmosphere but not the class part. Maybe my psychology professor will give me an A. That would be great of him. He's a cool guy though I like his class. All my other professors are boring but he knows how to have fun while he lectures. I'm glad I got out of my calculus class and in a different one because professor radin is not cool at all. he needs to learn how to be not so uptight. My new calculus professor is cool though he's more laid back and knows how to teach things and give examples. Gosh I'm hungry I wish dinner were ready already. Taco Cabana is really good late at night I just realized that. I'm glad it's open 24 hrs because where would I go eat at 3 a. M? Speaking of Taco Cabana San Antonio was fun I just wish we went to Cowboys and danced a little. San Antonio was cool but not as cool as burnet I want to hurry up and go hunting again. maybe this weekend I'll go back and shoot some more birds. Girls make me so mad. Why does a certain somebody have to be stupid all the time? She bitches too much at me for little things. I should just not talk to her anymore. I don't know why I can't just not talk to her. All girls are the same to me, they all bitch about stupid things and get mad at you for saying hi to other girls that are your friends but they go off and say hi to their guy friends and expect us not to get mad at them. It's dumb. Jenna is dumb too. She should have ditched her boyfriend to hang out with her quote best friend Kelly on her birthday. She is stupid for choosing someone she just barely met over her best friend. Kelly doesn't deserve to cry I should yell at Jenna for that. Jessica is a cool girl she cares about me and doesn't want anything to happen to me I should hang out with her more. Stony Point football will always suck. They lose too much. New coaches are cool though I wish he was there when I was there. I need to do chemistry homework. He needs to stop mumbling and getting off topic to. My TA pisses me off so much I think I'm smarter than her. All the answers I had were right and the ones she gave me were wrong I can't believe that. 66 on the first hw is crap. there goes my confidence. She's a good looking girl though I'll give her that much but she can't help for crap. hopefully by this weekend I'll have my work done so I can hunt. I really can't stop thinking about hunting. I want to shoot me a deer I've never shot one before. Season opens soon I think so dove will have to do for now.

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10

I like doing these sorts of assignments. My english teacher last year insisted that we do a stream of consciousness writing at least once every six weeks. It's not only easy, but interesting to do as well, especially when reading back on what I've written. I'm in the dorm now. It's cold. My toes especially are cold. they seem to get cold pretty easily. I'm watching the Simpsons as I do this paper. The TV show is awesome. I play the saxophone in band and my section last year in high school based ourselves around the Simpsons. I was Bart and the director that played Saxophone was Homer, and other people were other characters as well. Fun times. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because I have class that starts at 8:30 (music theory) and I'm going to have to sing for the class which I'm not looking forward to at all. I only have a decent tone in my voice for about an octave and then my pitch starts to go down the gutter. I'm a music studies major and I'm actually looking forward to my private lesson tomorrow with my professor as well as the saxophone choir class. My professor is known as one of the best, if not the best saxophone player in the nation. It's neat to learn things from him, but at the same time it's also sort of nerve-wrecking for me. I'm really full. I just got back from dinner; two chili dogs, french fries, a cookie, and coke. Good old healthy dinner (sarcasm). I actually do try to watch what I eat here at school since I don't have my mom around to force feed me vegetables and fruits. I'm thinking about getting another coke from the 'fridge right now. The Simpsons is really distracting me because I want to watch it because it's so funny. but I know I need to be doing this. Typically I would turn off the TV to do homework but before I began this I sorta figured the tv would help give me something to talk about. Is that cheating? thinks about it Nah, shouldn't be. I'm here from Austin and it's nice to know my way around. All these new students that don't even know how to get around the campus yet. and just think they have not even begun to explore how great Austin is. I was thinking about showing around some friends since I have Friday night open. I was going to ask this one girl on a date but turned out she had a boyfriend already. Luckily I found that out before I had gone and asked her out. But yeah, since I have Friday open now I figured I should go ahead and at least show my roommate around. He didn't bring his car this semester though so I don't know how much he had benefit from seeing all of Austin. I can't help but look at the clock and think GO FASTER!". My roommates computer just started making a very high pitch noise and it's really really really bothering me. My ears are pretty sensitive and this sound is actually painful. He needs to hit is computer to make it stop. I did it once when he was not here (hah). Oh well, it should stop eventually. I'm still feeling really full. I should probably go work out around 9pm. I worked out yesterday for the first time in a long time and my legs are really killing me. I concentrated on my legs more then my arms/chest. I wish I had worked out more over the summer. I worked out a lot over my senior year but when summer came I worked a lot and when I didn't work I was out boating. My allergies are really bothering me. It gets so cold in here that they start to act up. Every morning I wake up and have to sneeze because I'm so cold. I also hate getting out of a hot shower and stepping onto a cold floor and into cold hair, it makes me want to stay in the shower all day. My roommate is worrying over astronomy, haha. I passed out of math and science for the rest of my life through AP tests and SATII's. I actually wouldn't need this class because I already have Economics credit which is a social science but I need Psych. for my education certificate or whatever it is. (I plan on becoming a band director). I'll probably be here for five years. I don't think anyone has ever graduated in 4 years that was a music studies major, even if they took summer school. I plan on taking some summer school at ACC, but not much. I'd like another cookie, although I'm full. Only three more minutes to go, this actually hasn't been all bad, and hasn't seemed that long. I thought about chatting with friends on the internet at the same time while doing this but I decided that wouldn't be very efficient, plus this would have been much shorter. I hope this is long enough. Which it should be. My roommates friend from HS just came over. They're from Eagle Pass, Texas. which is down on the border between Laredo and Del Rio. I'm interested in going down there just to see what it's like. My roommate says that Austin is much better than Eagle Pass will ever be, which I wouldnt be too surprised of, but I don't know. I can't wait for the weekend to get here so I can go hunting some more. Dove season opened up on monday. I got 4. it was a very slow day because it was lightly raining so birds weren't flying much. But getting four put me ahead of the rest of the people I went with. I was just alerted that 20 min is up, so I'm stopping.

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she probably didn't but she can be so irresponsible sometimes. I guess that's because she's the baby of the house. Maybe one of these days she'll grow up. That reminds me I need to call a doctor and make an appointment for her. Today's Tuesday. That's good I only have one class today. Oh darn I almost forgot I still have to call the electric company to check the meter. I don't see how my electric bill was so much this month. That's an outrageous amount for a 750 sq. ft. place. There's got to be something wrong. At least I don't have to deal with those jerks that live below me anymore. Next time they park their truck in my parking space I'm going to have them towed. I sick and tired of dealing with those childish idiots. I can't believe they actually sit on the balcony with binoculars and gock at the sorority house next door. They have no manners what so ever. Is my time almost up? I still have another six minutes to go. I wonder how Chris and Amy are doing I have talked to them since the Saturday before they were about not leave for UGA. I wonder what it would've been like if I went to UGA. I wonder if Marlow ever called Katie back. Even if he did she was probably sleeping. She was out of it last night. I hope she doesn't fall for that jerk, Lee again. Hey what do you know my time's up. Well I guess I better get my other stuff done.

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11

Right now I am in my friend's Jester dorm to do my writing 1 with her computer. I will probably do all my writing assignments in her room because all the other computer labs in the U. T. campus are always full. It is really annoying when I have to wait to use a computer. I just don't have time to wait, since I have so much homework to do. I feel very nervous and uneasy about all my classes because this is my first year in college. People told me that the method of studying in college is different from high school. I am still not use to living in the dorm. It is too small and just doesn't feel as comfortable as home. I miss my parents, my dog, and the freedom to drive my car out. I am going to work very hard in college in order to have a very successful life. My leg and arm muscles are aching, since I played basketball and worked out at the Rec Center yesterday. I like the facility there. There is a good variety of things to do. I plan to reserve time everyday to play sports, especially basketball and tennis. The Boyz II Men new song called "The Four Seasons" is in my head right now. I enjoy listening to the song. It sounds very sweet and peaceful. The song reminds me of the time when my mom and dad send me off to here at U. T. I am now listening to the movie called "Space Jam. " My sister and my friend are in the room watching the movie. I saw the movie about half a year ago. I thought it was a very cute movie. It is amazing how the creators of the movie can mix animation with real people. My favorite basketball player, Michael Jordan, is one of the main characters in the movie. I like to watch him play basketball because he always makes incredible shots. It is so cool when Michael makes a slam dunk. He really does fly a little. I hope tomorrow will be a good day for me. I hope I won't be very nervous when I go into my classes. I have four classes to go to tomorrow! I am really excited about seeing my senior U. T. cousin tomorrow!

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8

It's 6:48. I think I'll type up the time as a reference even though there is a timer at the top. As I sit here, looking around and typing without looking at the keyboard, I wonder what my girlfriend is doing since I am using her computer. Can't wait till Monday! I finally get my own internet set up at my apartment. I feel like I'm getting sick. I was sneezing a lot the other day, now I have a slight sore throat. I wonder what the purpose of this assignment is. Is someone actually going to read this or is it just busy-work? Gah! I hate this runny nose! My girlfriend sure has a lot of pictures of me. a little too many? Hope she is getting a good work-out at the gym right now. I need to find more time to go to the gym now. Going to the gym everyday for a few minutes isn't that good, right? Wow. I feel like my ex-roommate. All he ever did was study, go to the gym, and hang out with his girlfriend, too. I wonder what I'll do for dinner tonight. I should eat healthier. Learning how to actually cook a decent meal might help. I hope I'm doing this assignment correctly. Oh well, if I'm not, I can just ask a TA just to make sure. It's only been 6 min and 15 sec? Wow, this is going to be longer than I thought. Oh look, it's Bloat (a toy from McDonalds that was in the movie Finding Nemo). What a great movie that was. Best children's movie I've seen in a long time. I'm feeling more ill now. This can't be good. Maybe I shouldn't go out tonight. Ugh, that's right- I won't be sleeping over tonight either because she cancelled on me so that her friend can sleep over. Oh well, I've been spending a lot of time with her recently; it's understandable. I need to find some tissues. There's a roll of paper towels and toilet paper. I think I'll grab some toilet paper. Hahaha- it's just like in elementary when we ran out of tissue boxes; the teacher would sometimes have a roll of toilet paper. *sigh* I miss those good old simple days. A lot less pressure and life was so relaxing back then. It was good to be young. I know what I'd like to do right now! I want to play counter-strike! Too bad I can't install it onto her computer. I wonder if whoever is going to read this knows who she" is. Should be obvious, so no worries. What homework/reading assignments do I need to take care of this weekend. Hmm, I'm taking care of this psychology writing assignment right now, I still need to do that one experiment (which is being a pain since it keeps running into that error page and I can't go any further!), LEB, FIN?, maybe a little CMS reading? I think that should take care of it. Oh wait- got to do the ECO self-homework tomorrow. Look, she is back! Aw, she is tired from working out. What?! She just told me how "everyone" has commented on my latest pictures on her board! Apparently, people think it's a good picture of me. I guess it is. I actually like those pictures of me (which is kind of rare). I wonder if I can type like I do when I'm online- GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT! That would speed up my typing. Look! I'm at 19 minutes now! 19 is a great number. All done now!

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13

I am very frustrated with this computer. I am the most computer illiterate person, and for this day and age, that is no good. I want to check my e-mail but it is telling me my password is incorrect. I am famished right now. I have had this job on my mind all day. I really want to teach dancing but she wants me to teach tap along with ballet, jazz, and cheerleading. I am not the most qualified person to teach tap and I feel I would be doing my students a great injustice be teaching that class. Also she has me working on Saturdays and if I ever want to go home I will have to find a substitute teacher. This is going to take up a lot of my time and as a freshman I need to make the grades. Especially around finals I will need time to study and that is when the studio is going to have a winter show. That means I would have to choreograph six dances and find music. But the thing is I really want to teach dancing like I did back home. This is such a hard decision because I already accepted the job and I feel bad backing out on Sherri, the owner. I guess after writing all of this out there are more cons than pros. My friend Chad is sitting next to me and he keeps asking me how to spell words. He is interrupting my train of thought. I love typing on computers I just don't know too much about them. I really want to check my e-mail. My dad me something and I would like to read it. I think I'm hungry for Chinese food tonight. But chips and hotsauce sound so good. Really I think I want Italian. I can always eat Italian food. I guess it is since I am almost 100% Italian. The food a Jester is really bad. I have been living off tuna and speghettios that I keep in my room. You know I think I'm going to quit my job that I just got two days ago. I really need to call her right now but I'm at the Flawn, so I will do it when I get home. My arm is kind of hurting from typing. Maybe I have carpal tunnel syndrome. Just kidding. I was looking for the submit button but I'm not sure which one it is. I'll have to ask Chad. He is my boyfriend and my best friend. I wasn't sure if I would want a boyfriend my first year of college, but right now I am glad I have him. I think a lot of it is we are more like friends most of the time. Or really a lot like brother and sister. But I love him. Well I have a lot of other homework and studying I can be doing so this is the end of my thoughts. Well those will never end but this is the end of me recording them. Bye!

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14

ok. i don't know waht to type right now. im listening to alanis morissette right now and the song is about whether she is good enough for anything. sometimes i feel kind of like this; like im not good enough to do anything. now im stumped again as to waht to write. i talked to my best friend kelly yesterday and she is back home now. she went to taiwan for the summer to do an internship. then she went to california to ride a bus back to round rock. but she kept missing the bus back so she ended up staying in california. im really excited that she came back. i havent seen her in like four months and i didnt get to see her off when she left. i was really sad. sometimes i miss having a best friend here. kelly is my best friend in all but she has her schedule and family problems and a lot of times i just miss having a best friend to do everythign with. haley, one of my other friends used to do a lot with me. . almost everything. but this summer she got a job and her dad got a raise so now that she has more money, it seems like she is too good for me. i don't like people like that. there is someone at our room door. haley and i were suppost to go to breakfast one morning and had planned it all out. but then the morning of the event, she had one of her other friends, jennifer, call me and tell me haley couldnt make it because of a doctors appoinment. i was like, why can't haley call me herself. then she tries to play it all off. i don't really have anything to say to her now. i havent seen her on campus since classes started and weve only talked online about two or three times. thats not much compared to how much we used to talk. twenty minutes is a long time to continuously type. i guess its not too bad for people who type slow but for those who type kind of fast, this just makes for a lot of nonsense talking/ typing. ok. this semester im taking karate/ tae kwon doe. its really fun but a lot of work. i signed up for the class because i thought it wouldnt require too much work - aside from the work out - but actually this class has books and i have a three to five page paper due in it. its the only class i have a paper due in this semester. how odd is that?. oh well, it should be fun either way. this alanis morissette music is some really angry music.

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Well to begin. I don't like spelling. you make me check my spelling but what I really want to do is just permanently change the way things are spelt. or make everyone think they way I do. wow wouldn't that be nice. hum to have everyone think the same as me. No not really. If everyone thought the same as me it would be one boring world. "So Andréa how goes your thoughts on Abortion?". response: "I don't know. why don't you ask yourself. ". well I bet that isn't how the conversation would go. cause the other person wouldn't think they thought like me they would think I think like them. so about the only conflict would come up as to who is the original "who". But how about it we took different situations and then gave everybody my opinion?. but that is a lot of work. and I don't feel like that. Speaking of no feeling like working. I don't feel like working. hehe you don't know it but I just misspelled feel. I wrote fell instead. Lets think about that. if a cow falls in a hole how would it get out. I guess you would have to build stairs huh. no not really you could just pull the damn thing out. Damn Cows way in the world are they even falling in holes. don't they know not to do shat like that? Oh yeah like that little baby. who was it?. oh baby Jessica(I think). wouldn't suck to fall in a hole? Heheh. I was watching a movie the other day(big big movie buff) called "Cecil B. Demented" it was a great movie. one guy in the movie(he is from another movie called "Drive me Crazy"(don't ever see that one). but in this movie he is a drug addict. not the scary kind that look like skeletons and shat but the funny kind that take every kind of drug. back to my point. at one point he is trying to run away but he is running in place. his excuse you ask. he's stuck in a KB hole. hehehe. I think its funny even if you aren't laughing. You ever think about that. when I write something on the computer it just doesn't laugh. damn computer. doesn't have a sense of humor. perhaps if I ripped all its cords out it would be laughing. "hahahahaha". no no not really. That is mean. HUM. new topic okie. I like to look around and see how everybody has their own style. some like to wear tight clothes some wear funky stuff. if people have an "outgoing" style does that mean they are caught up in unimportant things such as outer beauty?. no not at all. people often like to dress up. in that fun sort of way. or they like to do stuff like that. alright I'm bored of this conversation. really I am. Sam I am. I will not eat green eggs and ham. oh poor Dr. Seuss. he's six feet under. Man I saw part of the Emmys last week. they shown all the movie stars who had died. sniff. YI think a nice thing to paint is reflections. they are really pretty. I have a lot of stuff to do. ugh. the word stuff is so slang. (said in a valley girl way. ) "That word was just like so SLANG" (nose pointed up and with a quick twist she leaves the room). I think I should start saying something else besides "Stuff". "I have a lot of things to do". " I have many things to do". "My agenda is full right now can you call back at a later date and then maybe we can set something up for you. no. no sir you don't understand my calendar runs out after October and I won't be getting a new one for at least another week. So I'm going to need you to call back to set up the appointment. alrighty sir. you have a nice night. bye" (click) "Y'all come back now you hear". BUH

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22

Well, apparently i'm supposed to just type for 20 minutes. Being that it is September 11, i suppose it would a good topic. Everywhere i look i see something about 9/11. Even the clock at UT is stopped at 7:46. All of the television stations are going on and on about many things dealing with 9/11. The first thing i did this morning was turn on the television, almost like i did so mechanically for a month after 9/11. Why? So i can see if we have been attacked or if we are now attacking someone else. It's almost a sense of deja vous or something. (i don't speak french). I really hate seeing all of these images of the towers though. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if the towers hadn't collapsed. Would everyone be okay less 500 people? I'm really ready to see us attack Iraq. Iraq is just a big problem. I've always carried myself with little opinion because why should I, ME, say whether we should take military action or not or whatever the case may be. I don't know much, all I know is what the news tells me. How can anyone say we shouldn't attack Iraq? If we do, I am confident that it was the right thing to do. People just need to accept that we are living a naive life when it comes to terrorism and if we knew what the people that make the calls do, we'd probably say the same thing. These new What if America wasn't America? commercials are really fascinating. I find them very effective. I mean, a man goes to the library, and wants to find some books, it doesn't even matter the topic, and he finds out the books have been abolished and then he gets arrested. I never really thought about that. I mean, I can go to the library, pick up a book on atomic bombs, check it out, and no one asks a word. It's just a liberty that we have that remains unquestioned. That's pretty cool. Actually, my favorite commercial related to 9/11 is the one where they show an building or an apartment area or condos or whatever they are, and they say: Terrorists goal is to change the way of life of America or something like that, and then it shows the next day US flags hung all over the building and says they succeeded. That is just a cool commercial. I remember when there used to be flags EVERYWHERE. Now you're lucky if you ever see them. I guess that's not natural to be so patriotic. I think we saw so many flags because we needed to be reminded that we all have something in common and we need to stick together. The news is starting to get on my nerves finally. What is really weird is me, probably like many other people, were wondering what today would be like. Would everyone stay inside and remain in their own personal prison? I even thought maybe they would cancel classes and more. What happens? Everyone just continues on with their life and just keeps 9/11 in their thoughts, but refuses to let it take them down. It seems we are too strong of a country to fall apart over something like that. For a while after 9/11 i was pretty scared. I wondered what was going to happen. I almost didn't even want to be in the country. But then, when thinking about what i'd be giving up, I realized that even if the US is under attack, it's still the best country in the world. Now they are doing the I am an American commercial. They are analyzing how the different people say it. Makes me wonder how i would say it if I were to be on TV. Would i say it proudly, or with anger in voice (toward the terrorists), sadly, or just normal. The different tones were amazing. I never looked that much in the to the commercial until now. Wow. I bet now most people would say it proudly, but what about a week after the attacks? Would you not say it with pride, yet more sorrow. There is just a huge amount of commercials on TV that deal with this situation. Although commercials are effective, I feel the commercials that are the most important would be the ones containing music. Music is so powerful. You know, when you're hearing that God Bless the USA or America the Beautiful or whatever you just have that proud feeling and it lifts your spirits. Similar to church I suppose. Whenever I'm at church I get that lift from the songs and just feel so moved. That's exactly how I feel when I hear those patriotic songs. Well, I suppose in many ways, God was able to turn such a terrible thing into such a powerful thing. The Sunday after 9/11 was the most populated church day ever at all the churches. I know I was at church. Everyone just needed to hear something good. I don't really worry about that stuff anymore. I figure it's like worrying i'm going to get the Red Nile Virus or whatever. I mean, they act like it's the terrible virus but it hasn't even killed 20 people. Heat kills more people than that. Let's go worry about heat now. No need to worry so much anymore, it is time to enjoy life.

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just sitting here trying to avoid the whole problem of procrastination and hoping that perhaps I can get all of this done and start off the year right. I don’t know anymore about really anything and I sometimes think that I need a change in my life, like college isn't a big enough change in and of itself. The whole problem is that I need to keep doing well so that maybe I can transfer my credits. I want to go to Georgetown so bad and yet I have to do this in order to do that . God I wish that I could easily keep my room mate off of my computer and away from my shit. I bugs the hell out of me to have my email folder full of the useless crap from his anyone can pass classes. Like the morons in there with him really don't have anything better to do that waste their professor’s time and energy by having him spoon-feed higher education to these bastards with a sugar coating. It would just be easier if they were all herded together into a large barn and taught the ABC's all over again, then maybe it would make more sense to them. Maybe I’m just still adjusting to a new environment, of maybe I really do have as much vile contempt for may of the people around me as I think I do. I hope not, that could really hammer my ability to become what I want have if I end up hating three quarters of the general populous. Maybe I just need a stiff drink and a nap. Yes, it is time to stock the fridge. But what to buy, I know that the whole beer issue is a mute point and that no matter what I buy my room mate will drink it, maybe he won't be interested in the wine or schnapps or Vodka, I would really like to get a nice brandy. I just am concerned because he had little or no moral problem with eating the very expensive cheese I got at central market and so he might drink some very expensive wine all n the name of culturing himself. That would really suck. I wish I had brought that bottle of nitrogen from home. not that expect to be leaving wine sitting out that long but it is nice to have in any case. That reminds me, I need to subscribe to the wine connoisseur catalog. they have some really bad ass stuff that would make great gifts for my drinking buddies. Maybe a few brandy pipes for Andy, a carafe for Jonathon, some glasses for James and a bottle opener for clay. It really pisses me off how much of a pussy clay is for not coming this semester. "oh no, I have emotional problems and might have a difficult time making the transition". Like he's the only one who has problems and a difficult time making the transition. Get real and grow up. We are all still here and trying to do our best and cope all at the same time, but it is just too much for that spoiled son of a bitch. Literally, his mother is a bitch and the liberal psychobabbeling root of most of the poor kids problems.

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15

Ever since I came to Austin about three weeks ago, the way I think has been sort of different than it used to be when I lived in Houston. I feel more free and independent physically and emotionally. Now that I am no longer in high school I feel that I can be my own person and that no one is judging me. The only time I feel like I have to put on a fake persona is when I am around some of the sorority girls in my dorm. A lot of them seem to be superficial like some of the people I knew in high school. Maybe I just care too much about what other people think about me. Hopefully being in the UT environment will change the way I feel. In fact, as I mentioned earlier, I feel that my mind is freer. That makes me really happy. My roommate just walked into the room, and I am really glad she is my roommate. She is probably not someone I would have hung out with in high school, but since I've been hanging out with her for the past few weeks, it makes me wonder what I maybe missed out on as far as friends are concerened in high school. For example, she is a liberal and I am a conservative, which has begun to make me more open-minded in some of my views. I've also realized how much my parents have been an influence in my life. It feels so strange to not see them everyday like I was used to. I think it is good for me though because separating from them is helping me mature and grow emotionally. Overall, I love college life so far because I am discovering myself and learning about different values that I am glad I am becoming familiar with. I am really glad that I am a motivated person who wants to learn and wants to be challenged. It gives me a sense of reward when I accomplish something I have been working hard on. My favorite subject to study is Calculus because it makes me feel content when I complete a homework assignment and I understood what I did. Especially when I learn and apply a new concept. Even if I didn't understand everything I learned, I go to prof or TA and ask them how to do it. Then I understand the concept and I am satisfied with myself. I don't like English, because sometimes I never feel good about what I wrote leaving me with an unsatisfied feeling. I guess I'm just one of those people that feels complete when I conquer a task. But maybe that's how everybody is. Sometimes I base my self-worth on if I did a good job on something or not. Its self-destructing at times because I am a perfectionist and I tend to have expectations too high for myself.

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I've never liked writing and any other literature stuff like reading. I also feel a bit different because I've never done my homework on the webpage before. It's a new thing for me. Everything in college feels different. The schedule is flexible; you can have classes from 10 to 11 and then jump to 3 to 4, not all continuously throughout the day. There's also the good thing that I don't have to go to classes I don't want to go to. This freedom of choice gives me a feeling of relaxation but also fear. I feel great that I can do whatever I want, but feel fearful that my choices might not be the best for me. This assignment gives me a feeling of nervousness. I hate writing, especially when I have a time limit on it. It's hard enough for me to come up with stuff to write about when I have plenty of time, and it gets harder when I have a time limit, whether or not that there is no right or wrong things to say. I feel like I'm saying many wrong things because a lot of this is not so much feeling but some experiences I went through in college. I can't write about my feelings for 20 minutes because it's hard to know what I'm feeling and even harder to write about it.

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6

I really wanted to get that done before I went home this weekend, but I guess I will just have to try later. I am also feeling pretty excited though right now because I just finished talking to this guy that I met on Saturday night and we are supposed to get together tomorrow night. I'm excited but I'm also nervous. I'm not really sure if I like this guy or not. The actual truth is I'm not really sure if I find him attractive. When we hooked up that night we were both under the influence of alcohol, but we weren't really drunk. My friend tells me that he's cute but I just have to take another look for myself. That's kind of mean for me to say but I don't want to be going out with an ugly guy. I feel like Gods going to punish me or something for saying this but I'm sure everyone wants to be with someone that they are attractive to. This guy is really cool though. He's a theater major or a Plan 2 major. I guess his minor is theater but anyway. He's a really funny guy. We get along really well. It's odd though because the couple of times that I have talked to him I don't even feel nervous which is odd because I usually feel nervous when I'm talking to a guy for the first time. I guess this should tell me something, that he's a pretty good match for me. We just joke around like crazy and just play off of one another's comments. It's pretty awesome. I'm kind of stuck now I really don't know what to write but now something just came into mind. Before I was talking to this guy I talked to my friend from back home. She's getting married in October and I'm going to be her maid of honor. Hearing her talk about the wedding plans just freaks me out. I just can't believe. It makes me kind of sad though like as if I'm losing her to her future husband. It's not going to be the same anymore, I just can't go over to her house anymore and just chill out since she's not going to be living there anymore. To top everything out she's pregnant which is really the reason they are getting married but they really do love one another so they'll be happy. The day she found out she was pregnant was very freaky. I was there with her at her home when she took the home pregnancy test. She came into her room screaming oh my god Jennifer it's already turning pink after only a few seconds. I saw the line appear which lets you know that you are indeed pregnant. I was in complete utter shock. I was almost in tears. Once we started talking about it and how cute it's going to be I would just want to cry more. It's just weird I guess having one of your best friends get married and have a baby when we're so young. I can't wait though for her to have it so I can see it and play with the baby. Even today at the mall I went into Gap Kids and looked at baby outfits. I want to buy her some really cute outfits for the baby. The baby isn't due until April sometime but it's never to early to start looking. I'm stuck again and this time I think it's for good. Come on you can think of something. OK this is to weird I'm writing to myself on the computer telling myself to think of something. I'm almost done I have one more minute. I'm actually freaked that I actually got done with this before Sept 11 when it's due. I always wait for the last minute but I'm starting the year off good and doing thing ahead of time. I feel relief now that I'm done. Yeahh.

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30

Today I woke up to the sun sinning in to the room and it gave me much joy. the warm sun rays lighting up the room starts a day off very nicely. sweetie now that made me feel all warm and fussy in side. I just had to sit back and take it in for a few moments before closing the chat window. she called me sweetie, Wow! I hope she knows that made me feel special. I hope I make her feel special. because she is special to me. JoAnna what a unique name. It is a lovely name. one with two capital letters. laptops, this is so cool I am typing on a laptop, I wish I could have my own. maybe I could save some money some how. I wonder if my mom will give me some for it. hmmm. must likely not. my sis is doing better. she needs to eat more healthy. this summer was a great summer. God really blessed me. I worked a lot help on the house met one great family and to great friends in it. I got all the classes I wanted to switch in to these fall. so awesome. God is awesome. I am so bless through his love. I pray I make the most of it and continue be focused. I have so much time and yet I always want things faster. I seem to want it now. but time and patients will help me through. Sweetie wow I just can't get over it. I am so lucky to have some like that in my life. just to look at her brings me joy. and those eyes. I love getting lost in those eyes. what if I didn't say anything? will she turn away? will she be embarrassed? I hope not. does she feel the same way? If she does is this the one? or maybe it is another I have not met. I wish I knew. I have to be patient. all good things come in time. I wonder if she knows that I wonder what she is doing sometimes. does she do the same? when can I see her again. when is too soon to talk to her. what is to much? who knows! her smile is so beautiful. no wonder I am so at tracked to her. the smile is the first things I notice in a girl. and my mom likes her too, what are the odds. something must be right. maybe I thinking too far ahead. all I now is I like it. I like JoAnna and she likes me. That is what I know. I know I want to see more of her but that will have to go slow because school is why I am here in Austin. maybe over Christmas we can see more of each other.

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28

Although, I constantly advocate to my friends that one should make the best of everything, I failed to do so. Recently, I have noticed a drastic change in my life. Prior to the major transition of my life (college), I used to constantly worry. worry. worry. Although I still worry, I have learned to view life from another perspective. Each and every minute I must be productive, but no longer is my school work the only "productive" thing in my life. I realized that simply chatting with some friends or relaxing can result into a more elaborate learning experience then simply books. For instance, I was watching a movie last night (something I rarely do because I feel I am not being productive) that enhanced my knowledge of the world around me. Very few movies make me think long after I finished watching the movie, but this one did. The overall design and structure of the movie was not to great, but the plot behind the movie sparked some circuits and made me question particular aspects of life. All in all, I am trying to stress that I am still learning regardless of what I do. This certain attitude towards life has allowed me to be open-minded and not as stressed out as usual. Today, I have several things to do. My priority list is very long, but I am limited with time. It seems the more I think about how much I have to do, the less time I have to do it. I have two tests next week. Chemistry and Calculus, respectively. My weekend is going to be centered around studying for those two tests. Hopefully, my mind will allow me to concentrate on those two tests and only those two tests. Austin, or rather UT, is a very convenient campus. Opposed to my hometown, UT allows me to travel many places on foot or even by bus. This form of transportation is very tempting! I just bought a laptop which I am very excited about. I felt rushed when I bought it, but it is too late now. I still have to buy a PC card for it so I can access the internet from my dorm. I want to designate a weekend to upgrading and buying software for my computer, but I have so many things on my mind. By the time I get around to doing so, a whole new line of computers will be on the market!!! My life is busy, hectic, stressful, etc. But, I enjoy it! I am confused on what organizations I should join here at UT. I am used to being a part of and active in nearly everything I am offered. Here at UT, I am unaware of everything they have to offer and therefore, not a participant in everything I want to join. I hope that I will gradually reach the peak I was at in high school. I am sure I will. I was unaware of my surroundings a minute ago and this man was asking me a question. whoops. I believe I have reached my goal now, after reading the assignment nearly 20 times.

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7

Well I'm a bit nervous about this. Not that I really have any reason to be nervous, but college in general has been all new to me and a bit scary and overwhelming. I'm really tired right now, but I can't go to sleep because I have so much to do. My body is getting so run down. I really ought to take care of myself, I know. Well, I did go to yoga today. Besides, if I go to bed early, my roomie will stay up and make noise, something that makes me unable to sleep. Unfortunately, only I have early morning classes. Not her. But I love Jenny. Best friend, ya know. Oh well. I wish I could have more time to study though. Then I would have more time to sleep. Then I would enjoy life a bit more, I think. I liked hearing in Psych today that everyone is stressed first semester of freshman year. I truly did think I was the only one. Well yippee! I'm not alone! Although, I don't think EVERYONE is juggling 15 hours, with work, organizations, and a lot of time-consuming friends! But I guess a lot of people have their own time problems. Like if they are in a frat or sorority or something. Those apparently take a lot of time. That's totally not my kind of thing though, so I'm glad that I'm not doing it. Also, being in sports takes a lot of time I'm sure. Band too. Brandon is in band. He says it's a lot of fun, but I think it wouldn't be my thing either. Unless they sang in band. In which case, I would really enjoy it. Or dance. Dance is awesome. I really miss it. But you know, when I went clubbing this weekend, I really hated it. I hated how guys treated me like a piece of meat and basically violated my personal space and being. I felt like crap. I really hated it. And the thing is, I really wanted to hit the library that night, but nooooo, they said I would enjoy the club because it was salsa dancing - one of my favorites. Wouldn't you know it - they had like one salsa song. Man, that was upsetting. It turned out to be a horrible night. I mean, horrible. Jenny is going to bed now. That's a first. She ALWAYS goes to bed after me. Seriously, that's a first. I hope I don't wake her by typing. Actually my comp is kind of quiet now that I think about it. Besides, she claims she is not disturbed by little sounds. So good. I don't think it'll be too much of a problem. My head hurts. And this light shining on my keyboard is actually making my fingers hot. That's kind of creepy. I don't think lights are supposed to do that. Oh well. I really have to use the bathroom now. Hah. I bet that's a psychological thing. I only feel that way just because I know I can't leave the computer because I've got 12 more minutes left. How does this thing work? How can this computer tell me what my psyche is like? I mean, its a computer! How is it able to read what I have written, and then analyze it and give me a response? Hehe, maybe the TAs have to stay at the computer 24-7 so they can write in the responses. Hehe. Sorry, Mr. TA. I know that's not funny. Oh my god it's late. I'm talking to the non-existent TA, I'm so tired. Well if it weren't for all that studying I tried to finish, it wouldn't be so late! But of course, even after spending almost every free moment I had today, reading, I still am not even anywhere NEAR catching up in reading! It's all because of that stupid, stupid sociology class I dropped! I'm seriously upset about that! I mean, that class was by far the hardest class in terms of reading assignments. If only I had add/dropped the class sooner, I wouldn't have wasted all of my precious time on that one class. And then I end up switching sociology classes. Man. I make myself so mad sometimes. Well, hey. I am a freshman and new to all of this stuff. I guess it'll just take me awhile to figure all these things out. UT is so huge. I don't know if I will ever get used to the size. Actually, I'm not sure it's fully hit me yet anyway. But how on earth did I end up here? I was headed for famous, private colleges in the northeast, that were small, which was my main want in a college. Yet I've ended up at the biggest! Alex is calling on my cell. Poor guy. He is had such a rough night. But hey bub. I'm doing my homework right now. I hope he doesn't think that I'm ignoring him. Well I am, I guess. But I do plan on calling him back. Although that would mean sacrificing more sleep, but oh well. He needs someone right now. I think that's also a problem I have. I spend to much time with my friends. Too many friends sometimes. Sometimes it seems like there aren't enough. Strange how that is. Well I know online (AIM) I definitely have enough friends to talk to. That's so hard. AIM always sucks me in because I get to talk to people who live far away and that I never get to see. I waste so much valuable time on that! Ugh. I procrastinate too much. Well, no, that's not true. I spend A LOT of time doing important things. And I guess AIM and hanging out with friends are my way of relaxing and taking a break. Although they really aren't breaks. Because they require so much emotion, and attention, and energy! So then I need even more sleep! BUT THAT'S JUST SOMETHING I CAN'T EVER GET! Same with in high school! Ugh. I was such an overachiever. All that for nothing though. UT didn't even look at all the extra work I did. Replacing lunch for a class. Not having any free time because of all the organizations and officer positions. So much going on. And all UT looked at was the fact that I was in the top 2%. Whoopee. Now I'm in. I think that makes UT a lot less prestigious. For that very reason, UT was my backup school. Because it was so easy for me to get into. Ooh, time is almost over. Last thoughts, Anj? No. I keep thinking about sleep. Hehe. I can't get it off my mind. Maybe that's a sign. But I need to call Alex. Eeks. Jenny is moving. Did I wake her up? Oh, I can continue? Nah. I think this is enough. Besides, I need sleep!

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20

roommate is talking, I'm hungry, people. stop talking to me, I'm tired, time for a nap, why is he so loud? so so dorky playing that game, this timer is cool, weird and old green though, so much hw, need to do laundry, have to finish application, why am I doing this?, math sucks, want to play football, parties are fun, so many. so little time, SAVED BY THE BELL rocks!, I love linda, wish she were here, need more water, room is so dirty, bathroom needs cleaning, I forgot to turn off the TV, why did I walk?, body hurts, dumb keyboard is so far away from me, need to stretch, pop my knuckles, sega genesis was cool, need to hook up that system, too lazy, room is dark. I need a lamp, I need an extra plug, why does that battery not work?, dumb computer thingy, paid too much for it, shut up dude!, doing hw here! can't you see?, jester food sounds good, who to go with?, yummy yummy ice cream, is that one word or two?, oh well. , I bet people are wondering why I'm not talking to them?, I'M DOING HW DUDES!, I hope I make iron spikes, have to finish application, pop my shoulder, knuckles need popping, shaking my leg, this is taking very very long, WHY 20 minutes? ENTIRE 20 minutes?, this is going to be SO long!, why not just have a limit on how many words there are?, weird. , sleep is good, that girl next to me was hot today, forgot her name though. , oh well. ill ask colin, dude needs to shave, funny though, wonder what linda is doing?, I need to call her, why upgrade things? 13 minutes left. SO long! this is not acoustic. liars, oooh wrong song. , what is up with internet downloading?, its there for a reason, CDs are so damn expensive, pppppffff, so tired, this canker (if that is how you spell it) sore hurts, I need some stuff for it, I wonder if its stress doing that, oh well. , pennebaker reminds me of hammermesh, same room, same sense of humor, vitris is cool, funny dude, I miss irving friends, who is this?, people are weird, you don't talk to someone and not know who they are, oooooh ok, that is who, weirdo people getting my screen name, high school sucked, crappy ugly school, so many A-holes, remember waiting. , the ataris are awesome!, so I can't type, I need to play hockey, no money though, ooooh lets play NCAA!, I kicked K-states ass, OU is going to die!, I want tickets so bad!, sell them back, 8 minutes, wonder what he is holding, I need to put that together, THAT IS NOT EVEN A SONG!, girl in our dorm? who is that? sounds hot, I like pie too, yummmmm apple, hahaha Homer. funny guy, what is the name of that show? oooh family guy, SO funny. why do they take the good shows off of TV?, freaks and geeks was awesome!, that guy sounded retarded, friends is funny, awwww linda, tell her to wait, she will understand, SO CUTE!, I love her, thanks alicean, she is hot too, DAMN!, I'm one horny dude!, take it down a notch, hahaha, Austin powers. , take it down scotty", that midget scared me, charles is funny, I miss that dude too, so close to finishing!, I wish I were in a band, not orchestra. that was so dorky for me!, hahaha vitris plays!, SAVED BY THE BELL ROCKS!, disc one is in there, awesome show!, acoustic versions ROCK!, I would SO kick some ass in football!, I kicked ass in softball!, take that Irving high alums!, I can play that crap too! 3 minutes! YAY! why is he so mean?, I'm mean too, need two tickets for the game, hmmmm, what to do?, maybe I can find two, hmmmm, smileys are funny, lauren is damn fine!, hahahahaha, funny song, sting. funny, puff daddy? hahahahahaha, new york was awesome!, cold, but AWESOME!, 9-11 is coming up, DAMN CANKER? SORE!, I really can't spell. , hurts bad, one minute! hahhahahaaha, so close, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. so close to finishing, shaking my leg, I want to eat, those ramen noodles were good. yummmm, do we need a water purifier?, hmmm, britta. 3, 2, 1 DONE! YES!

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Not only was the server down but it has taken several minutes to upload, even when I am connected at 32000 bps. I'm also seemingly tired because I just got back from water polo practice and we did a lot of swimming today. I feel a sense of responsibility doing this assignment and the others so I can get back to reading the text and doing other subjects. At this point I'm winding down the day to get ready for bed and this is the time to release all the stress and aches and to clear my thoughts. The only thoughts the come to my mind are what I will put in this assignment after each word. I do feel a little amused because I am also having a conversation over the internet with a friend in Houston, so I am not totally out of it yet. I also have to arrange my classes for the next day so I can be prepared with my bag and books I guess. I also need to set my clock and get ready to wash up and finish this letter. But I guess this is all the time I have and I will be ending this right now :-)

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No heather I did not put your picture up, I don't know why! No I didnt wash it. I really like Fight club, I don't know why, actually I do. Why did I even say i don't know why, itsd amazing the things you get use to saying so that you will fit in. Anyways, I am trying to meet people, and its cool. I use the xcuse that other people haven't been open and maybe they were not, but at the same time, I knowe I am not as openas I was last year. Ireally liked my senior year, it went by pretty fast, and I got to do alot of the things that I like to do and wanted to do. I also have really wanted to see my girlfriend and, yea, Im debating wether I want to stay at our status of going out exclusively, or whether or not, we should also see other people. Would marrying her be all that bad, maybe, or maybe Im just sexually attracted to her. I have been playing computer games alot and I have also been studying alot more. You know something that interesting, is that people are always looking forward to stuff and never enjoying the present. Do we ever really enjoy the present. Sex is cool in the present, and I guess you look forward to that and you also look forward to eating, so maybe we are more like animals than people think. Maybe we really arent that advanced. I wonder how much different we are from animals. Which brings me to evolution, evolution makes so much sense to me, doesn't it to you? Do i need peoples approval on everything?!! we are very gregarious creatures, how can therebe a GOD, how can there not be I don't know, but I doubt it alot of the time and take things that people might set aside as miracles as simply co incedence. I wonder if Im studying enouph, or is there such a thing. Do I just want to mak the grade or do I actually want to learn. I think knowing, I mean really remembering all that you study would be aswome. I think the coolest characters in story are highly intellegent. Like Grand adimeral thrawn, the most intelegent, incredibly intellegent bad guy. HE could wipe out whole civilizations and even galaxies, by simply outhinking them, by studying their psychological weaknesses and then exploiting them to take control of them, He did so by being incredibly knoledgeable on his subject matters. He knew something on every topic, and wasd therefor nearly undeafeatable, he didnt need to see the future, he could see it through their minds and the way they reacted to different sittuations. Are women evil, is all they care about is guys, I mean really what is there purpose in the grand scheme of things. All they ever do is complain, there is always something wrong with them, they only care about themselves, and they backstab each other all the time. They're frekin evil. They're all about appearences, nothing is as it seems with them, I mean what the hell is wrong with them, don't they have any loyalty towards each other, all they evercare to do is kill each other over. Are people only angry at the people like them, because they can see through them, they see what these similar people are doing, and hate that they exploit people the same way that they do. Is that all we do, exploit other people, is there such a thing as love. Or is it just made up, or is love just a selfish thing to benefit yourself. I mean I want to be unselfish and I want others to be unselfish, is that even possible. Is everyone like everyone else, are there any individuals, or is it just a giant struggle to be unique and cool. Why are we here, is there a purpose to this big mess, I mean what are we supposed to do, what is the purpose of having life if all you will have is eventuall death, why did life create itself, and how is it that your cells retain thoughts. I mean how do your cells keep your thoughts, I don't understand that. I mean how do they work together to keep your thoughts and memories. The brain is such an interesting thing and it is very amazing indeed, and I would like to know about everyone elses brain sooo I could, use that information, I would like to have as much knowledge as grand adimeral thrawn, but then again who would'nt isnt that interesting, how alike we really are, and that we are in deed a product of our parents enviroment.

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15

Right now I am feeling very annoyed. I have to do my first lab write up and I am so confused. I wish I could get it all done now so that this holiday weekend I wouldn't have to worry about it. I am going home this weekend for the first time in a month or so. Even though I am a junior I have felt like such a freshmen this past week becuause I just transfered here. I don't think that's a bad thing , to feel like a freshmen, but it's really weird. I can't wait to go home. I got my parents and my brother a UT gift form the Co Op I can't believe that Jennifer is getting married this weekend. I think the wedding will be a lot of fun. I love the dress that I get to wear since I am a bridesmaid. I really though that if anyone was going to get married first it would be me. I am the one that hads the most stable realationship. i really hope taht their marriage works out. They haven't always gotten along really well. In fact when I first met her a year ago he was galavanting around town with some 5 other gulklirls. She is just that type of girl though to go for the "jerk" kind of guy. i really think that this was more of a pressure thing that they are doing this because since he went into the Air Force and then found out that he was going to Alaska I think he was scared to do it alone and he knew that he has always had her buy a string. I n all the time that I have known them they have never been really compasionate to each other and whats worse is that I used to hate him because of how he treated her and all the things I heard about him. well I wish the best for the two of them. I hope I don't forget anything for the wedding this weekend. I am still so nervous about this semester since I am in a new school. I think that I will be okay though because I know how to magage my time and use it wisely. It's dunny because there is always something to do. Tonight I made dinner for my boyfriend, my roomate and 2 of his roomates. That makes me feel good when I can do other things for people like that. We had spagetti salad french bread and I baked some cookies. I am feeling a t peace with myself right now becuase I now that I am doing all I can do to be the best. Not because I made dinner. But because I have gotten so much accomplished today int he way of school work and all the errands I had to run. It is so nice to sit here in this quiet apartment by myself and write for 20 min. I feel bad because I din't work out today. I have been doing really well though by going at least 3-4 times a week and running 2-3 miles a day and then doing weights. For some reason though I feel really fat. When I think about what I ate at dinner I want to gag. Oh my gosh I just thought about my Gov class and how boring it is. It was funny though becuase he was telling us that one student said that it was so boring it made him want to gounge his eyes out with a spoon. That;s hilarious becuase thats kind of how I felt today. The cool thing is that he published his lecture notes and I think they will help out a lot. He is also going to give out the test that he used in the summer for us to study. I don't think I have had a prof with worse organizationl skills. I was trying to take notes and it was so hard becuase he jumps around so much. you got to feel sorry for the guy though. At least he knows that he is not the most interesting guy. He also told us thata student told him that he talked like Norm Mcdoland. Very monotone. That was funny. The more and more I think about it it is true. Geez I can't believe I still have to do that long lab report that is going to take me forever and my TA has still not emailed me beck. At least for the first one she is going to grade them and then return them so we can correct it. That's really cool of her

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Well I was a little worried about using the Internet because I have never used before. I have used e-mail last year a little but for the most part this is a whole new experience to me. Today has been a good day I really enjoy my Monday and Wednesday class schedule. Except for the fact that I do have to get up at 7:30, but that is actually a good thing because my day is done at 10:00am and I have the rest of the day to do primarily whatever I want. I'm a little worried about the amount of stress that college has been. It is entirely not that bad because I do tend to be a organized person and good with managing my time. Although I do have to admit the reason why it has probably been so hard to get back on track this year is because my Senior year in high-school I got that little thing called "senioritis". I was hoping to be able to do this assignment from my computer in my dorm room, but the communications company has had a hard time getting my Ethernet Link set up. This is kind of nice though coming to the Undergraduate Library and getting acquainted with their systems. I have not decided what I am going to do this weekend, because it is one of my really good high-school friends birthday and she is going to school at A&M University. So therefore a lot of my friends are going to go down to College Station and surprise her. I really want to go but I want to stay here and go to the football game that is if I get a date. Which as of now I don't have one, but I am in a sorority here on campus and we have a mixer tonight with a fraternity so maybe I will get lucky and someone will ask me. Anyhow though these little events such as a mixer kind of make me uncomfortable because my boyfriend goes to school at Louisiana State University and it's strange trying to interact with other guys. Well I think I completely said that wrong it is not hard at all to interact with the opposite sex, but we decided mutually that we needed to try and date other people and not stay completely focused on someone who is 8 hours away. Anyhow this is really strange this assignment because I keep getting this urge to go back and re-word what I have just said. I do realize the point of the assignment and that is not what matters. I am really hoping that I have a great first semester at college. I am already enjoying it tremendously but I am a little nervous about the academics. My father will not allow me to bring my car up here until "my grades have proven worthy" as he says. I thought that was going to be a big deal but everywhere you go is within walking distance so it truly doesn't matter. Well I just glanced at my watch and it has been 23 minutes so I will be going back to my room now.

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13

The first thought that enters into my mind is my parents, whom I have been thinking about since I left Houston for college. It's so different here, but not necessarily bad. I have always been under the protection of my parents. But here, I don't have anyone telling me when to get up and when to go to bed, and what to do. I literally make all my choices, which I have to admit, I don't always make the best decisions. I don't study when I know I should. Sometimes having a boyfriend means spending less time doing the things that I know I should, and doing things like going out and having fun. I feel like I should be studying instead of procrastinating until the last minute. But back to my parents, I feel that the college experience is just as tough for them as for me, because I am the last kid to leave home. My mom has been crying constantly and I know that she is lonely because she doesn't have me bumming around the house and eating her food. Sometimes I even feel sad because I now realize all the things my parents have done for me. Even though I thought they were always against me. When I think about the things they have sacrificed for me, I get teary. Especially when I think about the car that my dad just bought me a day before I left for Austin. I got an Acura Integra, nothing I had ever expected. I was so ecstatic and I had never gotten such a great present in my whole life. I know that my Dad had to sacrifice by paying more money for it than I had expected. And now I'm trying not to abuse any things they had given to me and before that I had taken for granted. I really miss my parents and sometimes I have trouble dealing with it. It's tremendously difficult to do things all on my own. My values are seriously getting tested because I don't have them to give me advice anymore. All I keep thinking is how much I love them and how I can possibly show my gratitude for them. College is a tough thing. Even though I went to an enormous high school, it can't compare to college. My classes are huge, and sometimes very monotonous and boring. Surprisingly, the class I had thought was going to be tough and boring, became one of my favorites, economy. Mainly because my professor, Hamermesh, is a great teacher. He is lively and so humorous. The other classes, I really don't care for much. One thing I do hate about college life is the roommates. I live off campus on Enfield, in a really nice apartment/condo. My dad bought it with the intention that I have a nice place to live. It is two stories, and I have been trying to decorate it the best that I can. But the problem is that I have to have roommates. One is this white girl, Karmin, who I never met. My dad posted a bulletin in a church up here in Austin, looking for a roommate and she applied. The other is a Chinese girl, Laura, I have known since I was a child. I share a room with Laura, so Karmin has her own room, and she pays a little more. However, I still end up paying more because it's not fair to split a 1200 rent 3 ways. So Karmin pays 350 for her own room, which I consider a good deal. Laura is really messy, which bothers the heck out of me. But lately, I have been dealing with it pretty well. Karmin is the most annoying and a constant pain on my mind. She is older and she thinks that she is the ruler over the household. But she is messy, especially in public areas and I am the one who has to clean up after her. And the thing that bothers me the most is that she is very stingy. She has a big tv in her own room, and vcr and then on the other hand, comes and watches tv that Laura and I own. So we are not allowed to use it. I borrowed her vcr the other day, and she asked me, "When are you going to buy your own vcr?" Still, she isn't willing to share but doesn't mind using our things. Same with the food. I really feel the need to tell her off, because she sure is getting a good deal living over here, and she can't have the right to treat this place as her own, she needs to respect us. Not only that, she hammered nails all up in her room, knowing that she is only living her for a year and it's not fair to the other person who lives in that room next. That's my biggest problem and whenever I talk about it, I feel really agitated and stressed. Well, all I feel now is relief though, because my 20 minutes are up!

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16

Hmm. let's see. what to write about. since we're on the topic of psychology, I was in awe when I first walked into the auditorium the first day of class. there were more people in that room than in my entire graduting class last year. it was a pretty impressive sight, but also a bit omnious. so far I like my classes, but all of them are bigger than my highschool classes, but then again what am I supposed to expect with a school population of near 50,000 people as opposed to my 1700 high school population. man, I like this internet homework. this way you don't have to worry about keeping up with papers and the like. I used to loose most of my homework back in the day because I'm not that organized of a person. speaking of internet, you got to love this internet hookup in the dorm rooms. I like the fact that I can be in the internet and still have the phone line free. my parents used to hate when I'd tie up the phone line checking my e-mail. since all my friends went to different colleges, it's amazing how handy e-mail really is. I've already talked to a few of them using some aol instant messanger. it's kind of funny really, to see how many of your old high school friends keep in touch over the school year, or keep in touch at all for that matter. I've been in contact with some of my good friends, but also been surprised at not hearing from 1 or 2 close ones. I think I decided that I'm going back for our high school's homecoming on sept 17. supposedly a lot of my friends are going to, and I'd really like to see them. I'm also going back this next weekend (labor day weekend) seems that I forgot to pack a lot of stuff, or didn't even thing of stuff, that I ended up needing in college. I guess in a way it's kind of hard to pack for moving away, because you don't know exactly what you'll need until you get there. it must seem to you by now that I'm relating a lot of stuff back to high school. well don't go over analyzing it or anything, it's just what I'm basing a lot of my college experiences on so far. it's funny, I never had to read or study back in high school. it just sort of came to me naturally through teacher lectures. but here I'm actually having to adjust and take notes, read the book, etc. having to pull a 180 is weird, but I think I'm doing a good job so far. man, I hope my laundry's not done yet. I still have a few more minutes go to writing, but I just hate it when people put their stuff in the dryer or washer and leave, only to come back an hour later when there's a huge line forming to use it. heh, I guess I should start practicing what I preech, but I figure I've got tons of time to start doing that. most likely I'll start when I get out of schoo, get married, and have kids so I don't set a bad example. yeah, I eventually want to have kids, and I stress eventually. I've got so many good one liners that I've inherited from my parent's, along with a few that I thought up all on my own, that I can't wait to try out on my youngins. hmm, I seem to have a bit of a problem. I forgot when I started typing my mindless babbling. I think I still have a few minutes left. this assignment reminds me of a book I had to read last year in english. well, I didn't have to because I didn't, but we were supposed to. it was. a portrait of an artist as a young man. I remember it because the author used a lot of stream of conciousness in the book, which made it harder to follow and understand, thus less appetising to me to read. I did however, download the cliffs notes off the internet and read those, so I guess I didn't totally slack off. I just. took a shortcut. ok, I think my sentence is served, so I'm going to go check on my laundry.

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All this entire thing is going to be about is about my failing relationship with Ben. I think so many different things that I don't know what to think. I can't help but being hurt by him seeing another girl even though we both agreed that we were going to see other people. I just don't see how he could still love me but be with someone else, I just can't because I don't even have a desire to find another boyfriend or whatever. I'm hurt so badly right now, all I want in the world is for him to tell me how much he loves me and always will, but I don't want him to say it only because he knows that's what I want to hear. I have to talk to him about this but I'm so scared. I'm so scared that he'll tell me that he just doesn't love me anymore and that is going to kill me. I don't know what to think!! I mean, if he ever really loved me the way he said he did, I don't see how he could already be dating or talking to someone else. I don't know. I wouldn't mind him dating other girls, it's just that it's been a while since he's let me know how he feels about me, if I know and truly know that he loves me and I get just the occasional reminder of his love, then I truly don't think that I'll have a problem with him seeing other girls because I know that eventually I will be seeing other guys too. But even if I was seeing other guys right this instant, then I would still feel the same way about him. I would still love him as much as I ever did because when you truly care about someone, those feelings don't just go away because the person goes away and if they do, then you never really loved the person anyway. I just love him so much and I am sooo scared that when I talk to him tonight, I'm going to find out what I'm scared to death to find out. And even if he does still care about me, things are just so COMPLICATED! I mean, take when I come down for Homecoming, yesterday he said he still wanted to see me but he didn't really seem very excited about it as I would hope, maybe he is but he just doesn't like to show it, I don't know. But he's talking to this girl and right now it might not be a big deal, and a month and a half from now, everything with her could have gone to crap or a month and a half from now it could have made its way into being something more and if it is something more by then, is he still going to want to see me if he has her?? That's another thing I have to talk to him about. I am so stressed out about this. It would make my day--my entire LIFE if things just go my way, if he just tells me and makes me truly believe how much he loves me then it will make me so happy because that means so so much to me. It's all I want in the world to know that he still loves me because I still love him so much. And deep down I truly believe that he really does love me. I don't think that he ever lied when he told me how he felt about me so I don't see how it could have changed after only a month or however long it's been. But sometimes I do wonder if love is just something that he throws around. Some of the things he's done and said seem so sincere that he couldn't possibly not truly love me, but sometimes I wonder how easy it will be for him to forget about me and fall in love with another girl who is more convenient for him. But convenience shouldn't be the fucking issue. The issue is his feelings for me and mine for him. Just because I'm gone shouldn't make his FEELINGS any different. It can make other things different and I don't expect him to sit around sulking over me and not dating anyone else for two whole years. ALL I WANT is to be certain of his love!! That's all I want!! Is it so much to ask?? God, I'm such a wuss. I'm sitting here crying over this and I don't even know if he has given it a second thought. Sometimes I think I'm the biggest loser for still being so attached to him but I can't just turn off my feelings. Maybe his love for me just wasn't as strong as mine for him, but he means so much to me and I care so much about him. I'm just so hurt and confused right now. And scared. I know that I really need to know how it is and if he doesn't care about me so I can move on, but I am scared to death to find that out because it is going to completely break my heart, I mean be completely devestating if I found out that he doesn't feel the same way I feel. Oh my gosh, I need to blow my nose so bad. I have so much stuff to do today. I have to go by the financial aid office and the co-op to pick up my check and find out about a weekend job. I need to work out and decide if I'm going to go to ultimate frisbee tonight. I need to study. I just wish time would hurry and go by. I can't wait til next weekend when my family comes to see me. I so wish Ben could come see me, I miss him SO much, but it just sometimes seems like he doesn't really want to see me that badly, even though he says he still want to see me and he has told me that he misses me. I just think that he doesn't think about it nearly as much as I do. I don't know though, it's very possible that he could think about it as much as I do. I don't show him how much I really want to see him, I mean, he knows I want to see him but he doesn't know the extent to which I really truly miss him and can't wait until the day I get to see him again and hold him again and hopefully kiss him again. I miss everything about him SO MUCH, I just can't get over it but still I don't show that to him. So he could want to see me just as much as I want to see him but just not show it to me. He could still love me just as much as I love him but just not be showing it to me because I haven't been showing it to him. Maybe he hasn't said I love you because I haven't said it to him either, but I don't say it to him because he doesn't say it to me. It's possible that this is just a vicious cycle and that he really loves me and theres nothing to worry about. I just have to talk to him. It's possible that no matter how many girls he dates that he will still love me as much as ever, I just have to find it out. By the time I get to see him again he may not have anyone else, he might be so excited to see me. I don't know. . I just don't know, all I really know is that I HAVE to talk to him

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Right now at this moment, I am thinking about what I am doing here. This whole college thing is still new to me. My roommate is getting drunk right now with some guys, while I am in here writing this. At least she is meeting people. I wish I could go back in time, and be in high school again. I know that probably sounds stupid and immature,but I had a lot more fun in high school. I had friends all around me, I was popular, I was really close to the cutest guys in our school. Now, I do not know anyone. I am used to going out like everyday, so it is really weird to be actually doing my homework. You know what I really miss? This guy back in Arlington named Luke. He was a complete ***hole, but I was and still am infatuated with him. I guess it is infatuation. I would like to think I love him, but I know that logically it is not possible for me to love him. He was my first you know. I am one of those Catholic girls, and I never thought I would lose it to some stupid high school boy. But, it happened. I wish that it would have happened, and I would not have had any feelings for him, but I do. He has a girlfriend who is younger than we are, and I am insanely jealous. Why could he establish a relationship with her, and not me. And why is it that he cheats on her with me? These questions boggle my mind and make me upset. I know I deserve better. I am one of those Catholic, upperclass, spoiled girls. I have everything but what I want. Luke goes to Pepperdine University and is far away, but no one here has even caught my eye. I thought once I went to school, my life would just be incredibly better. Well, it really has not. College is not what I thought it would be. I know it is only like the middle of the third week, so I need to give it time. Freedom is great, though. I like not having to check in with the paternals. What is the great thing about that if I never use that priveledge. I am also thinking about how my psychology class is during a bad time. I mean class is at 3:30 and that is about the time I want to go to my dorm and sleep or just relax. I wish I could change my time, but it is too late now. Oh well. Also, I think that Burdine Hall is the hardest building to get to. I missed class today, because I could not find it. I hope we did not do anything important. I hate Chemistry! Dr. White goes too fast and does not make sense. I don't know if I can survive that class. It is going to be tough. I am used to sleeping in all my classes, never doing homework, and just getting by. That was high school, this is college. How I miss those good old days. I really do not think I am ready for college. Everybody here is just so smart. I really miss having people who are dumber than I am in classes. Now it seems I am the dummy. The next time I do this, hopefully I will be in a better mood. My twenty minutes are almost up, and I have ran out of things to say. I hope this was interesting and different from all the other assignments that you have recieved. Bye for now.

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Sometimes I like Stream of Conscience writing because when I write fictional or nonfictional stories, that is usually the style of writing I use. I used to write a lot when I was younger and planned on becoming a writer. I stopped at about the 6th grade because that is when I began to focus more on school. I think that middle schools and especially high schools place too much emphasis on grades. Those institutions should be places for students to WANT to learn, but now it's all competition and people care less about what they actually learn and get out of the class and care way too much about whether they get an A in the class. Now that I'm in college, I'm trying to start fresh and actually become passionate about the classes I take, whether they are required or not. I still have no idea what I want to be when I "grow up" besides a movie star. I'm open for all sorts of things. When I applied to U. T. I wanted to be a big time advertising CEO, but then I decided that would be selling out too much. Within the last couple of months I thought about dental school and becoming a dentist, but I still don't know. I would really like to be a movie star and I plan to save up money and go to Los Angeles 2 summers from now and just live on my own for the summer and audition for jobs. I know so many people go there and do stuff like that and still don't become famous I haven't even taken a theater arts class since the 9th grade! I don't think taking theater classes do much though, unless one wants to be in theater, but I don't want to stage acting, I want to do films. I think in films to start out with all you need is a little talent (which I think I have) and a good looking face/body (which I am working on. haha) So that's my plan so far. I haven't told really anyone. My best friend thinks that I am going with her to backpack in Europe next summer, but I can't afford it at all. I plan on working at a pool hall next summer so I can make a lot of money and save up for my next years apt. and my famous L. A. trip. I would also like to take a bus to New York sometime and live independently. My brother Danny did that a few years ago and wrote in a journal the whole time. I would love to get that kind of experience and keep it in a journal. I should probably get a journal now so I can record my little experiences right now, but so far nothing spectacular has happened. I thought that since I'm a freshmen in college I'd be meeting TONS of new people and be going on a billion crazy adventures, but I haven't at all. Most of the people at U. T. are from my high school (I have at least one person from my high school in each class) so it's hard to branch out and meet new people. I've also been stressing over money lately because I have to pay for everything (books, tuition, housing) myself and I haven't had time to think about doing fun stuff. I just got a wristband for the Texas/OU game, I'm not that interested in football though. I like basketball a lot and can't wait until UT basketball season starts though. I would like to make the most of my time in Austin, since it's such a beautiful and fun city, but I don't know when to start. I'm going to Dallas this weekend, so maybe next weekend I'll hop on one of the buses and tour the city. Sometimes I like not knowing where I'm going. I just like to relax and look at all the things around me and see the sights of Austin away from the campus and the tourist parts. One day my sister and I took the wrong bus and it went throughout the more ghetto/barrio part of town. It was real interesting to see the different people get on the bus. We saw 3 cute little boys around the ages of 9,10, and 11 and I admired how independent they seemed for such a young age. They got on the bus not knowing where they wanted to go, but just decided to go anywhere and I overheard them say "We've got 2 hours, where do y'all want to go?" I think I'm mature compared to my peers at times because I had a dysfunctional family life growing up. Through high school though, we moved into an upper class neighborhood and I attended a very affluent high school which I sometimes felt like a liberal outcast amongst a bunch of conservatives. Some of the things people at my school would say about poor people really pissed me off. But it's been 20 minutes so I will finish up. This was very cathartic, I should really invest in a journal!

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Alright, this is going to be pretty random, so whomever may be reading this should be pretty amused. Hmmm. . i had my audition for the "Madrigal Dinner" tonight. I think it went pretty well. I sang a song that I wrote. He seemed pretty impressed. I find out Monday morning if I made it or not. I think until then I am going to have a nervous tick thing happening. I broke up with my boyfriend this weekend. He is really stupid, "dumber than a box of hair" as I like to say. That sounds pretty mean, but he really is. He isn't going anywhere. He is a 5th year high school student. If you carry on a conversation with him that involves a word with more than 5 letters, he is lost. Unless it is about auto mechanics. Then he will talk your ear off. Or if it is about drugs, he can talk 499000 miles an hour on that subject. We were just too different. I'm not into drugs and stuff and I am 17 and already in college. He is a pot head (along with other things) and he's 19 and still in high school. He is going nowhere. He wrote me a really shitty letter today. It made me feel like crap. It was along the lines of "I am nothing. You are too good for me. I should have known that the second I got something good I would lose it. " How am I supposed to respond to somthing like that????? My friends said it was his feeble attempt to win me back. A very feeble attempt. I am not conned into taking someone back because they make me feel guilty for ruining their life. I feel really bad though, because his parents absolutely adored me. I was everything they wanted him to be. I am fairly intelligent, Christian, drug-free, etc. I feel kinda like I let them down. But I wasn't getting to him. I couldn't change him. It's not my fault right?? What could I do? I can lead him to the right path, but I can't force him to change. I showed him what Christianity did for my life, did in my life, what influence God had over me. But he was so stuck on his paegan ways. He told me he was going to quit drugs for me, but he never did. I can't be with someone for the sole reason of trying to change them. I don't know. I miss my ex-boyfriend. Not the same guy. A different one. We went out for 3 years, then he slept with my best friend. On that ridiculously long survey that we had to do for this class, that "worst depression" stuff was caused by him. 3 years!!! And then he just threw it all away. Gosh, I miss him terribly. Sometimes I still cry at night thinking about him. I have yet to find a love so strong like I had with him. Have you ever felt that? That feeling like you know, I don't know exactly what you know. You just know something. That feeling deep inside. That feeling noone else can give you. I had that with him. We were even engaged. Engaged!! He made me feel like I was something worth having. Well, until he screwed my EX best friend. Stupid whore! I'm not bitter. Hehehe, anyway. I don't know. Sometimes he is all I can think of. I'll catch myself comparing other guys to him. Every other guy I have dated has been compared to him. Should I put a name to "him"? His name is J. J. Anyway, I always have this emptiness inside me. I didn't feel empty with him. It was like he made me complete. And when he left, he took a big part with him. I know that sounds trite, but I can't think of any other way to describe it. Just pure emptiness. I got so depressed after the "incident" that I didn't have the will to do anything. Nothing. I just laid there in bed. I would be in a trance through school just to come home and lay there. didn't get out of bed, didn't eat, didn't sleep. I never slept, but I was never awake either. It was like I was one of those vegetable people who was purely living because of the machines they are hooked up to. There was this invisible machine keeping me alive, and that was it. I was just existing. That's the word I was looking for. Existing. Nothing more, nothing less. I tried to make it less. Have the scars to prove it. Nothing I'm proud of. I had just reached the lowest I have ever felt. I'm sure it will happen again. I'm only 17. I'm sure I will find another guy that will fill the void JJ left, but then he will leave me too. So what's the use anyway? Dating is just a vicious circle. Someone is bound to get hurt. If not you, then the other person. Unless of course you find that one person that doesn't have the urge to bang one of your friends. But shit, that even happens in marriages. You think you found that one person that won't screw you over, and what happens? They screw some younger, prettier girl. Gosh, I'm really bitter. When did I get this bitter?? Is it bitterness or cynicism? I can never tell the difference. Maybe I'm a little (or a lot) of both. <Deep sigh> One minute left. Okay, now I'm depressed. I was in a good mood after my audition. Then I get to thinking. Damn thinking. It never does me any good. I always seem to think about things that depress me. I think it is because all of my good memories are linked to painful ones. So I try to think of good ones, but it just takes a turn for the worse. Adios!

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18

Well, I don't know where to begin. I guess it started when she came over for lunch. I never would have know what great thing was going to happen that strange windy day. She swooped in and plopped herself on my new Pappason chair. She was so gracious to bring me a freshly baked apple pie. As she poured all of her energy into describing a new dress she had found in the Hit or Miss store I noticed it. How her eyes had a strange twinkle about them. I mean, don't get me wrong Randy is the best friend I have ever had, and her eyes always shone, but for some reason today, they almost glowed. As she began to finish her story a serene silence filled my small living room. It was barely noticeable that my over grown Lab Dixie had trampled into the room wearing half of the back yard. Then the words just fell out of her mouth. "He's come to rescue me, and I'm going to go. " I have never felt such a mixture of relief, happiness, utter joy and somehow an utter ripping in my soul. I was loosing the best thing that had ever happened to me. My best friend was on her way to her life long dream. All I could do was cry and hug her. Then she started crying and we were just an absolute mess. There was no other sensible thing to do besides get that apple pie and slap some vanilla ice cream on it and CELEBRATE! Wow. She's gone. What is left of me? I sat around my quaint little home, breathed the clear air and wept all my emptiness out. I mourned the loss of my closest and dearest friend for. I don't know how long. It seems like a whole season passed. Then one day, I got tired of crying. I knew that deep inside there was something in me that drew that wonderful friendship and I'd be darned if I was going to let it rot inside of me. So, I did what any normal person would do to seek selffulfillment. I joined a club. I went to every dang meeting any time those doors were open. But you know what, I didn't find it. So, I began to search books in the library on sewing, butterflies, architecture toadstools, anything and everything that seemed of some minute interest to me. I left the library with so many books, my arms almost fell off. But, no that was not my answer. sigh you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to meet myself a man. I will find out what love is all about, and I mean real love. So, take that! Thus, my Man Hunt began. I browsed the Video Dating services, the internet (big mistake, HUGE), I scoped men at the grocery store, I bought some roller blades and tried out Hike and Bike trails, but nope, nothing'. Oh, I met men all right, but the kind of guys I met made me want to swear off of them forever. Yet, something was in me that just kept popping up over and over and over again. He's out there, my Prince is going to come rescue me, I just have to have faith in real love. After some serious time had passed, I stepped out of my life and looked at what I had, and noticed that my Many Hunt had taken over every part of me, and nothing that was left was desirable, even to me. So I just plum gave up. I was not going to let this hole in my heart rule my life. And that was it. So, I dropped all of my memberships and subscriptions and just began to spend time alone, and then I began to pray. It helps so many other people, why not me? you know what happened when I shut myself alone in my room with nothing but some soft music and candle light? My heart was completely and totally overflowed with peace. How in the world can the words I choose let you know about my sweet experiences with the Lord? He is the absolute perfect gentleman. I began to talk with Him every day. I began to listen for His voice and I began to find Him everywhere I went. I realized, I was never alone. I was being filled with love that brought me over and through every little thing that would try to bring me down. The lord God in Heaven loves me, and I love Him. And you know what else, after I gave my heart to Jesus, I met Mark. Would you believe that he was walking by my house with his 2 Great Danes and was stopped to tie his shoe as Dixie bolted out my front door. We met, just that simply. He has arrived at my front door now, so I better go. We are on our way to Jamaica oh how I love to be rescued!

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17

In Phl 304 we've been talking about Kant and Deintology, which leads me to a question:why am a writing this; is schoolwork a hypothetical or categorical imparitive? Do I really care what the about the answer to that question? No. I'm just picking my brain. Frustration is undoubtedly a major hinderance to my well being. Why didn't the tab button work when I pressed it? Heplessness is abundant in my brain when it comes to computers. Thinking of the word helpless reminds me of that CSN&Y song. They're such a great group- but not as great as Buffalo Springfield- their predecessor. Whatever. That's the word that runs through my head most often these days. I really wonder whether it matters what I write in this assignment. Who in this beauracracy of a University is actually going to read this? I doubt much if it would matter if I just wrote something like "I enjoy carrots" over and over again. Whatever. There's that word again. Every time that you ask for more, its the sound that makes the colors go blind, and everything comes in three's, but your face shows 2-lost in a watershed-way out of tune. Got that? I doubt it, in fact I doubt you made it this far. Lack of patience most likely. Patience is a very admirable quality. I wish I had more of it. In fact, ever since I arrived here my patience has been raped, but I'll get more into that in writing assignment #2. believe it or not, its been 20 minutes, and though this "stream of consciousness" seems to be more about this assignment than anything else, I am just articulating what is on my mind. I guess that doesn't really matter if this isn't being graded. Since I know no one will read this I may as well confess that my dog, Skeezy and my friend Chico spend most nights defecating on all the wombats in the toilet, but that doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is that Chico also likes to slap a alligators to death with a certain part of his anatomy. This really seems to impress Iranian supermodels. Go figure.

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13

Right now I have a serious feeling of relief. It is the night after my first day of college, and it feels nice to be home. My legs are tired. I miss my dog and my boyfriend. I wonder what he is doing right now. I hope I am doing this right. I guess there is no right or wrong when it comes to my thought process. I guess it just happens the way it wants to. I hope that I can get back into the whole school "flow" again. I hope that I can get into it enough that I can get into the business school. I can feel you laughing at me already. Everyone seems to think that I can't do it. I know I can. I will. My mind is blank. I am so worn out. I haven't walked so much in one day than I did this afternoon. I hope I am not sore tomorrow. I need to find out where I need to go in the morning. What time do I have to wake up? My class is at nine thirty. Great! Why hasn't my boyfriend called me? He was supposed to an hour ago. Wonderful! Oh, I have to call my mom. I wrote a check today that I have to tell her about. How much was that thing? That reminds me. I have to set up Telesys tomorrow. Just one more thing to add stress to my day. I should work on my typing. What is that noise? I need to take a shower. Maybe I will wait until morning. I should call all my friends back home to give them my new house number. I wonder how college life is going for them. UT started late this year. Thank God! I don't feel rested, still. What time is it? Five minutes to go. I feel like my mind is blank. Whenever I try to "hear" what I am thinking, the only thing I end up thinking about is trying to think. That made absolutely no sense. I'm hungry. I really need to be more open. I've gone all day without meeting anyone new. I need to work on that. Oh, time's up.

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26

so IÕm in the computer lab of my apartment right now yeah these people in hear are kind of noisy. yeah I really wish I had my own computer, I talked with my dad today and he said maybe by Christmas theses walls are interesting. they really need to put paper in the copier and printer. I have to go all the way back up to my apartment and get paper so that I can make a copy and print out the psych. notes. yeah no computer is really annoying. IÕm thinking about what to write. what can I write that wonÕt be too ummmm whatÕs the word, I donÕt know lol. I wonder if theyÕll know what lol means. ha what a dork. yeah I donÕt seem like a weirdo hmmmm. I think IÕll eat dinner after this. pot pies? hmmmm. oh wait pasta sounds really good right now and I have that ragu sauce in the fridge too. mmmmm. and then I can eat the Italian bread I got today with it too ah man IÕm getting really hungry, lol. ah man, itÕs only been 4 minutes. you know, time goes by a lot slower when your in athletics esp. track. Like you can run a lap in 6O sec. doesnÕt sound like a lot of time but it really is. or lines in basketball. lines as in the ones you run. lol, that probably doesnÕt make any sense if you donÕt know what IÕm talking about. there was something else I was thinking about writing too before going off on the athletic path. hmmmm. what was it something about time. ok I forget. ah man someone just interrupted me, they had a question about the printer, see what I mean about the no computer thing? Not having my own computer really stinks. So anyways. I think IÕm going to work out tonight. I usually donÕt like to run on the treadmill but the one at the apartment isnÕt too bad. I think thatÕs because I can look out the window when IÕm running lol, even as IÕm typing this stuff I am thinking about totally different stuff than what I am typing. like when I was typing about the treadmill I was actually thinking about how my typing has gotten faster since IÕve been talking on instant messenger and that led me to think about how my roommate letÕs me use her laptop sometimes so I donÕt have to come down here, but her keyboard is a French keyboard and itÕs really hard to type on because all the letters are switched. Ok, now my hand is starting to hurt well not the hand. more like that my forearm right below my elbow I fractured my thumb in fifth grade lol, that was out of nowhere well no, it was because I was thinking about my hand and then that led to my thumb. I remember when I was little and I would be riding in the back of the car with my family and I would just be thinking to myself like everyone does, I guess, well anyways. and I remember how I would go backwards on my thoughts and think of how I got to what I was thinking about. probably what this writing assignment is trying to do well anyways. ooooo those brownies sound really good too. maybe IÕll make brownies when I get back upstairs ooooo those sound so good. I am so hungry!!!! I donÕt know what I would cook them in though. I donÕt know if we have a pan I guess IÕll find out when I get back upstairs IÕm almost done with my laundry. I need to start reading the psychology book too and taking notes. lol, I donÕt think I actually think about all the stuff I have to do as much as this writing assignment may make it seem I really hope I like architecture. lol, that was out of no where too. well actually the truth is that I canÕt type as fast as I can think and while IÕm typing IÕm actually thinking about other stuff than what I am typing. hmmm l4 minutes what made me think about architecture was that I was thinking about psychology and that made me remember how I thought about majoring in psychology (thatÕs really hard to type!), but that was after I had already made up my mind to major in architecture. I donÕt know if architecture is just a phase or if itÕs something I really want to do. I donÕt know. weÕll just have to see how it goes really I wonder why the time thing is green anyways. I really, oh now I forgot. oh wait. I really hope it works out. IÕve even thought about government though so I can do something about womenÕs rights, I think that would be cool. maybe I could do both could I do both? I donÕt know this is so confusing, how are you suppose to already know what you want to do with your life!!?? But of course Derek always knew he wanted to be a pilot. l7 min. now I wish I had more time I hate how everyone is oooooo ahhhhh air force academy. who the heck cares, its just the air force academy and no itÕs not impossible to get into I could have gotten in if I wanted to but I didnÕt want to I have no sympathy lol, yeah probably none of this makes a lot of sense since you donÕt know what IÕm talking about. but I donÕt think thatÕs the point. itÕs just to see how one thought leads to another and then another and so on. not really mattering what your thoughts actually are. just so you can see how one thing leads to another. lol, I am SO redundant!!!!

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4

It amazes me that I have known about this writing assignment for a while now, and yet I wait to do it until the night before the deadline. I don't procrastinate too terribly much but sometimes I guess I do. I'm really tired. I stayed up until about three in the morning reading for my government class. Then I had to wake up at about seven. I don't even know why I woke up that early. We entered the draw for the OU football tickets and everyone I talked to said to get there early. So I wake up and drag my self down there, with only a few hours of sleep. I was pretty irritated when I found out that it was by number order, so it actually didn't matter. I must have misunderstood when they were giving the instructions. I guess it's just one of those dumb freshman things. I'm actually not as nervous as I expected to be. I came from a town of 2000, smaller than most people's high schools. Everyone told me that I was going to be sad and cry a lot. Suprisingly I haven't been upset once. Sure I miss my mom, dad, sisters, etc. but i've been pretty good. I do miss my boyfriend. He's great. That was pretty hard. I cried more when I left him than my parents. Don't really know what that means. I was just use to seeing him everyday and now I hardly get to talk to him. He's still great though. I hope it all works out okay. I know it will. What's meant to be is meant to be though. I've sort of learned the hard way that I can't decide my own fate, I've tried to change things but they still end up the way I worried they would, but they ended up okay. I guess He does know what he's doing. He's pretty good at it. Yesterday was kind of hard. The September 11th memorial service and hearing the story was sort of difficult. I got to go to New York this summer. My mom took me and my sisters for my graduation. Pretty Nice gift. She and my sisters have had it planned for over a year. It was my middle sister Leslie's idea, but then she was paniced after the attacks and almost didn't go. She was worried that she'd never see her little girls again. It was real sad, but we forced her to go. We had a wonderful time, yet a time that actually makes everything real, and put it all into perspective. It was truly amazing. In my dorm we have a connecting bath. It's pretty nice but has an awkward smell. It took my roomate and I a very long time to figure it out and it's not jusr the regular bathroom smell. We've been watching our suitemates and figured it out. One of them drinks coffee and has been washing her dishes in the bathroom. Wierd, but I'm glad we figured it out, it was really starting to get on my nerves. I've really been getting sick. I think I've been sick since I moved down here. I'm sure it's because I'm in a new setting and I don't sleep near as much as I should, but I guess I'll adjust. I called my doctor and he told me I needed Orange Juice, which wouldn't get me well but it would make me feel better , and some sleep. It's hard because I still use my old doctor. He's the only doctor I've ever had. I guess it's that comfort zone thing again. I've lived in the same town, on the same street, with the same neighbors, in the same house. I've had the same friends for eighteen years. It's sort of odd to be gone from everything. The coolest thing happened to me this past weekend. My boyfriend got me tickets to go to Pat Green so I went home. There was a get together before the concert so we went over to one of his friend's house. As I was walking in, this girl was coming out, she just looked at me and smiled, so naturally I smiled back. Then she said, are you Allison Bruce? I was like Yeah. She looked at me and said, I'm Crystal. I was thinking okay?? then she said your best friend. She was my best friend from Kindergarten to Second grade. She had to move to Alaska with her family. Then she moved to a little town, lifeguarded in another town where she met her boy friend Weston, who happens to be one of my friends cousins. It's such a small world. Gary and Weston hang out so he has known her for a while. It's so exciting.

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28

As the past couple of weeks have flown by, I have been stressed about my work load. Like probably most college students I have the urge to wait for the last minute before starting any assignments. So far and usually I am always able to get my work done on time, however if I would only start the assignments a little earlier I would not have as much stress as I do now. Also after recently reading the first chapter of my psychology book I am wondering if the cause of my illness is to due to excessive stress. On Tuesday I started to have a runny nose which later progressed into a sore throat. I usually do not fall victim to illness very easily so I am almost sure that stress is playing a large part in it. At my house in Irving I had gotten use to having my friends and family all within a five minute drive. Now that I have moved to Austin and been separated from home for an extended period of time, I occasionally find it hard to balance my time. With the options of sleep, tv, eating, homework, video games, or just hanging out with my friends, it is hard to make a decision on both what I want to do and what I need to do. On the up side of things I feel like I am slowly becoming accustomed to my new life here in Austin. I have started to develop a study pattern and my urge and will to do work on time and efficiently has increased. Over the fall and spring semester my ultimate goal is to have a high enough grade point average to transfer into the business school. If that transfer is successful it will only give me more motivation to try harder and be a better student. That is certainly the goal of me being a college student to begin with. I am looking forward to continuing my hard work and hope to enjoy the benefits at the end of the year.

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17

I don't understand how the man with the questions can be the smarter of the two. The man with the answers has to be the smarter. All the man with the questions know's that he know's what he doesn't know and wants to. But the man with the answers know's. Whatever he want to know he knows because that's how the question goes. There's no way for the man with the questions to more than the man with all the answers. One, the answer guy's going to know the answer. And people are always going well does he know how to get the answer?? well of course he does. just ask him how he got that answer. and he'll answer that question. what I don't understand is how this teacher is going to believe and only think that she's right. the answer was completely easy to comprehend. I hate that teachers get so arrogant. just because they know more of the subject they think they're knowledge is invincible against all others. how can you teach others and let them learn if you're unwelling to learn yourself?? it's totally bull. makes no sense to me. always dreamed about being a super hero. guess it's somewhat ironic that my vietnamese name translates to mean hero. I don't know I guess I have some type of super-hero complex. always want to help others always want special powers. always wanted to win the girl. always a dream about this girl. never see a face and can never hear her talk. I can see her figure and I can see how graceful she is. she walks be side me in my dreams. always want to hold her hand but afriad that I'll wake up when I touch her. so I walk beside her and look at her. I know I'm going to meet this person. I can sense it. Real into the "Crow" look the romantic dark super-hero adventure story. brings out the use of love. people always take love for granted and if not love the good fortune that they get to be with or have a relationship with others. wonder if I'm a hopeless romantic. i can see myself taking my date on a walk or just laying there with her and talking. I don't see the sex, not that I wouldn't, or much else. the tai kwon do club at this university is not very well trained. the main instructor may be a good fighter but his form sucks. to me form is the most important part of martial arts. adds gracefulness and at the experienced level makes movements faster stronger and completely balanced. it all comes from form. the traingle is speed balance and strength and not of that comes from bad form. or at least none of those three will continously exel without balance. most people don't see it that way. they think that compromising form for quick speed and strength is better. but they don't look in the long run. just like in chess the game is all about the long run. and with mastering balance, speed and strength will always become faster and stronger. then there are those that are lazy and don't even care for form and try to show off their katas with feet not lined up and hands out of place. with such bad alignment energy will not flow correctly . people get so arrogant and greedy. makes me sick

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25

I've been here for about three weeks now and its starting to feel a little more like home. I was really scared when I first left, and I questioned myself if I was really ready for this big of a step. Once I got here there was no turning back. I would feel like a failure if I had worked my way to this point and then chickened out. Being away taught me a little about love too. I always knew I loved my parents but that was mainly because it was pretty much understood. Now that we are separated I know how much they really mean to me. It almost feels like I have lost them and I am thinking about all those things I wish I had said then. I guess that is a good aspect about college because it teaches you to appreciate the things you don't have anymore. Overall I really like it here. I like being responsible for myself and it almost feels like Austin is my home and not my family's. They will have to come to my city to visit me. I really miss my girlfriend Mandi. She is at A&M but she hates it there. She came to visit me here and fell in love with Austin. she is now planning to transfer here as soon as possible. That makes the future look very bright to me. She was the one person who was always there for me in the past year. I really think she is my guardian angel. She came into my life at a point where I was about to be headed downhill. I helped her in a lot of ways too. I am glad that she doesn't like it at A&M but I would rather her be happy than anything. She has called me countless times this semester balling. It frustrates me because there is nothing I can do for her. I just can't wait until we are back together here in Austin. That will be paradise. I can see myself living here for the rest of my life. It has a little bit of everything. If you want beauty, head for the hills, if you want history, head for the Capitol, and Guadalupe is Texas' little piece of California. I am going back home to Tyler in two weeks. I don't think the town will seem the same. It already seems like the place that I spent my childhood but could never go back to and live. I guess it seems that way because I already know I am staying here for the summers in order to take some summer classes. My parents treat me like an adult now. I had one of the best conversations yet with my dad the first week of school when I was having a hard time. He really treated me like a man and that meant a lot to me. When I go back I plan to really show more respect than I used to. I'm starting to realize that my parents are not going to be around forever. I want to make them proud.

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16

The first thing that coems to mind is how much I hate the stupid popups that are getting in the way of my writing and slowing down my laptop. The man that invented those should be shot. Now I'm starting to remember what was said in class about this assignment. It seemed like a really dumb assignment to do, but I prefer writing for only twenty minutes versus actually drafting up some essay and spending hours writing and rewriting and losing sleep over it. There really isn't much too this, which should've been fairly obvious to everyone in class. Why is it that no matter where you go there's always someone really really stupid that'll ask the same question that someone else asked only a few seconds before them. If I was a teacher that would really annoy me. It would be fun to put those dog shock collars on those types of people, you know the ones that everyone growns inwardly (and sometimes outwardly) at as soon as they open their mouth because nothing good will come out. I actually really do like the psych class. The assignment is aggravating because I know that odds are no one will ever read this and I'm doing it just for my own amusement. I know if I cheat and just copy and paste something or bang on the keyboards for 20 mins, then I'll feel bad about it. Oh well, 20 minutes isn't that big of a deal anyways. I'm killing time until my boyfriend gets done with his project so I can talk to him again. My mind is trying to go into thinking about my bf, but I'm not going to let that happen. I know that most people have a hard time making a "long distance" relationship work when the distance really isn't that far. All the girls I've met left a bf in Houston or Dallas. I wish that's how far away he was because I could go and see him on the weekends. Actually, if he was anywhere in the US, then it would really help, but I knew what I was getting into when we decided to stay together. No more boyfriend talk. I start looking around the room to think of something else, but the first thing that catches my eye is my roommate's vase of big yellow flowers that her bf just sent her. That's really not helping. I keep thinking about something in Spanish, but I'm guesssing whoever might read this (I doubt anyone ever will) won't know Spanish so I guess I should write it in english. La ausencia para el amor es como el viento para el fuego: extingue lo pequeno y the fuerza a lo grande. That would translate to, Absence for love is like wind for fire: it extinguishes the small and gives strength to the large. Sounds much better in Spanish though. Now I'm starting to remember that anytime Spanish comes up, everyone asks how I know it and when I tell them I lived in South America they always ask if that's where I'm from. That has to be THE single most annoying question. I've been asked so many times, too many times. And no matter how many times I explain I'm from Dallas, and my parents are 100% American, people still assume that my family must be Mexican. It's like asking an oriental person if their family is originally from Africa. It's just stupid. I don't look hispanic at all. Everyone assumes too much. When I say I lived in South American, they all assume Mexico. And when I say no, then they think I must have lived in a hut in the middle of the jungle. But its not only the Americans. Now I'm remembering all the dumb questions I got when I moved to Lima. When I said I'm from Texas, they all said no you're not, you're not wearing any boots and a gallon hat. Or they'd ask where my horse was, or what happend if my horse got sick and how would I get to school if that happened. Plus I got all the dumb Bush jokes. Fern used to call me Bushwa instead of Gushwa, my last name. Pretty creative though. I'm glad he's happy at Harvard

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27

I don't like people to know how my mind works if I don't even know them. I guess I have always been protective of my true thoughts and feelings. The irony is that the more you reveal of your self, the better you get to know and become closer to your friends. The first few steps of trust can be some of the hardest (besides the ones after a loss of trust). I think that it is possible to gain trust back. It takes a long time and complete honesty, but it should be acheivable. It is really funny. People say that they don't trust any one they don't know, but they trust checkout people and opperators all the time. Just think about how much information is handed out each day between people that don't know each other. Of course we would be quite paranoid if we didn't trust any one. It just seems like we are ready to talk to some one we have never met before and never will see again more than we would talk to some one in a new class. People are overly concerned with making good impressions. It is important to realize that we are all pron to error. I say this, but I still worry about making good first impressions. I worry about it more if I think I am going to see the person again. If I don't think we will ever meet again, I am more relaxed. My mind is currently switching between a rapid pace of thoughts to blanking out. It is really scarry to think that your mind can just go blank when your not really doing any thing. I can understand your mind blanking out on a particular subject while you are trying to consentration on it, but the total lack of thought is just wierd. Oh my gosh. I just looked at the clock. I hope I have time to take a shower before the floor meeting. I have been going every where to day including a short (very short) workout at the gym. I probably smell. Not that I did that much exercise today. All the machines were full so I was only able to do two machines today. If I had been with a friend I would have stayed longer since I would have had some one to talk to in line while waiting. Athletic centers can be very intemidating places. Every one always seems to know what they are doing and seems to be in great shape. Of course, if you go to work out enough, you are going to be in shape. My back really hurts. I need to sit strait. I am always slouching over. I try to keep my back strait; it just never works for too long. I'm getting tired now. Typing is becoming harder as I become sleepier. Sleep is such an important part of my life. I probably sleep way too much, but it is better than some habbits people have. There is a consceted statement. Trying to say that I am better than some other people. Who do I think I am? We all have are assests and faults. What time is it? I really need to go soon. I just hope that when I get there I don't smell too bad or say my thoughts out loud. I am not saying them out loud, but typing them is very similar. The toughts must be processed to make sense and be comunicated. Writing is just a different form of comunication compared to talking. I hope I can find this place. I wish I had a friend to go with me. Large social events can be intemidating when every one seems to already know eachother. May be some of the people I met Saturday night will be there. Then I can finally figure out two of their names. It is so weird. I can remember the conversation we had, what they wore, where we were sitting, every thing but their names. I can't ask them because they remember mine. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I have to go now so I can get there on time.

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8

My English teacher should go back to her own country. She read my essay today, and she couldn't understand a word on it. My topic is on samesex marriage, but she didn't even know that samesex marriages are illegal in the U. S. She read through the whole thing and asked me, "So what is your point?" At first, I thought it was just me, so I took it to the writing center. In a way, I just wanted to talk to someone. I had to complain about her to someone. Anyways, the guy in the writing center agreed with me. It's not my problem that she can't read. Well, I guess it is since she is the one who's going to grade my paper, but I am not going to put up with her. I am so going to change my teacher tomorrow. I am so glad that I still have the chance. I feel really relieved because my rough draft is done. I finally feel like I am getting somewhere with my paper. I am also very excited because the weekend is coming up. I am going to finish my homework in one day and enjoy the rest of my weekend. Maybe I will do my homework for the next week ahead of time so I will have more time during the week. I don't know. I seem to be addicted to homework lately. My dad said that I won't be happy if I move out. Well, I don't think that is true at all. I admit that college life is much harder than I have ever imagined, but living with him doesn't change that a bit. It's not like he could help me with my homework. He never did anyway. I feel so relieved after I moved out. It's great that I only have to deal with school. Dealing with my dad is much harder than anything else. I haven't really talked to my mom for a week now. I don't really know if I should call her. She is so worried about me. In a way, she is giving me a lot of stress. We are always talking about the same thing now. She keeps trying to convince me to move back. There is just no way that I am going do it.

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23

Well, today is September 11, 2002 and that of course means that my day was filled will deep thoughts and feelings and constant reminders of the tragedy that happened a year ago today. I remember exactly where i was the day the Twin Towers collapsed. I had just woken up and was on my way to class when i bumped into my boyfriend at the time who was on his way up to his dorm room. He stopped me and said did you hear what happened? Puzzled i scratched my head and shrugged i had been asleep up until like 15 min ago and now i was in such a hurry to get to my class that i had been oblivious of my surroundings. I now looked around the lobby to see that every t. v. had a cluster of people around it with their mouths hanging open. There was a whisper and constant murmur in the air that i hadn't noticed before. What happened? i asked. He started blurting about this and that about World Trade Centers being bombed or something to that effect. I sighed and said really, that's terrible , then i scurried off to class. Little did i know that what i had dismissed as simply government/political jumble would have such a severe impact on America and myself. When i walked into my class i was met with the same constant murmur, it seemed to be everywhere. I sat down in my seat(front row) and looked up to see that CNN was being shown on a huge screen at the front of the classroom. My mouth dropped in horror and terror filled me as i watched with my very own eyes, one of the planes slam into a huge tower. It was then that i realized how serious this thing was. Then the second plane, and after that the third. America was being attacked. That phrase played inside my head fueling the growing terror inside me. America was attacked and would never be the same again. It was then that i realized something else. My mom was out of town. She had left on a business trip for the week to. was it Virginia, West Virigina? It was an annual trip and i remember her saying it was 20 minutes away from D. C. Wasn't that where the Pentagon was? I remember thinking i needed to call my dad as soon as possible to find out where my mom was. After class i ran to my dorm and found i had a message i pushed it and was more than relieved to hear my mom's familiar, and now beautiful voice telling me not to worry that she was okay but might be late coming back home cause of flight delays. Even now i have tears in my eyes thinking about how lucky i am to still have both of my parents and my family. I couldn't even imagine losing them especially in such a tragic way. Then this makes my feel so sad for the people who weren't as lucky. I pray for them and even though i have been extremely busy and overwhelmed i made it a point to go home to visit my family because you never know what could happen. My family is not a very expressive one and we hardly ever show our emotions for each other show, but yesterday i left my mom with a genuine i love you and a hug.

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17

Ok. I'm here in the CPE building during mandatory study time. I'm trying to catch up on some missed work, like this stream of consciousness writing exercise which I couldn't do before hand because I lost my class code number. Well. Anyway, let's see what's on my mind. The Mets are really bad. I've actually begun rooting against them so they'll fall into last place and Art Howe will be fired. He really is an Awful manager. Personally, I liked Bobby Valentine. Sure he had a couple rough moments, but overall he was a much more effective manager. Hmmm. well. my friend Scott Neff, who used to work for the mets, sat down with Jim Duquette the other day and JD pretty much vented all of his anger about this season and his distaste for Art Howe. They've begun to give him nicknames in the clubhouse. For example: The Wizard, The Wiz, and The Grandfather. There was a little bit of a pause there because I took a swig of water. I'm pretty sure the guy behind me is looking at what I'm writing. Is that a little bit disconcerting. Yes. Oh well. I'm glad I will be taking advantage of this time. 3 hrs of studying a night can really keep you on track. I just turned my cell phone off. James has handwriting that's hard to understand. My battery life remains surprisingly high. Wireless internet is pretty awesome. Wow. This is the first time I've used wireless internet. I wonder how long I've been typing? Probably 8 or 9 minutes which means that I should probably stop around 8:56. I wonder what I'm going to have to do after 11 pm. I should have brought those quarters. I knew I should have. But then I would have been late. I've got this compulsion for grammatical correctness. Is that weird? Well, I talked to my mom today. She and my dad took the top down in the convertible for the first time today. That's sick. My dads had that car since before I left for school. That's over a month now and he hasn't even taken the roof down!!! He spent 70 grand almost on a convertible and doesn't even bother to take the roof down! tell me that's not a disgusting waste. Someone came in and asked for the sign in sheet. I wonder how the ghs theater stuff is going. I thought Id miss it a little bit. And I kind of do. I miss the actual acting aspect of it. But you can't imagine the relief of not having to deal with kohn at all. It should be pretty cool to come back home though and visit. It must be all the more liberating to view that whole situation from the outside. Or maybe it will just bring back weird memories. My finger. No my thumb really itches. I'm thinking I should wash my hands. They feel pretty grimy. I did wash them after I ate that sushi though. The sushi was surprisingly good. On the other hand it should be good if its $8. The smell in the room. Well there is no distinguishable smell. Back in jester though. WOW. That place smells incredibly bad. It's always a mixture of body odor, popcorn and some sort of Lysol. Really nasty. I wonder how Lauren is doing? I really like that girl, but lately my attraction to her is more as a friend. Sexually, she is pretty frustrating. I assume all Mormons are. But when I have numerous girls around me who are much more. um. Liberal sexually, it makes me think twice more often than I'd like. I wonder what she thinks of me. That situation with Tyler is fu. Messed up. I'm sure she knows that. But now that I think of it. That whole thing is pretty messed up. OH well. Someone came in the room and kindly asked us to be quiet. He's walking over to someone. Whispering in his ear. Smiling. Oh well. I think my battery life is running low. I think my 20 mins is up.

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29

I was fairly apprehensive about beginning this assignment, as it is my first official college homework. I'm a little worried that I won't be able to fill the entire twenty minutes with my thoughts, however I've never had a lack of thought before, never been at a loss of something interesting or intriguing to ponder or speak about. However, I've also never been asked to trace my stream of thought for twenty minutes. Right now I'm feeling pretty tired and I guess a little thirsty. But I guess that's life. Life is also a board game by Parker Brothers, you know, the one where you buy 'House Insurace'. Life is sitting at my computer completing an assignment for one of my classes. Life can be a many number of things, such as a pony ride in Illinois, a state I've been to once to see Lincoln's birthplace but have no desire to return to. Abe was our 16th president, something I remember from AP US History. It was the best class I ever took in highschool. I haven't been on a pony ride in years. The girl across the hall from me in my dorm used to train horses though, and she talks of them semi-frequently. My roomate does a lot of studying. I'd say upwards of six or seven hours each day. It makes me feel guilty that I am not always making the best use of my time, but I figure that's what college is about. Not specifically wasting time however, because it in itself is definately not a waste. I'm almost done with classes for the week, just a philosophy discussion section tomorrow from 1-2. It's nice to only have one class on fridays, however I am disappointed that I got assigned that scetion. A 3-day weekend each week would be much appreciated, which I suppose goes without saying. My boyfriend is coming into town this weekend, which is nice. He attends the Texas Agricultural and Mechanical University (Texas A&M). Most people are shocked to dicover that I'm dating an Aggie. I guess I just haven't become a die-hard Longhorn fan, as of yet anyway, although I know I will never sever a relationship (as some people think I most definately should) over school pride and - or rivalry. I will however attend the UT/A&M game and probably wear orange. I will also eat some yogurt and get a lemonade as soon as these four minutes are up. I need to put some more of my photos up in my room. My roommate has put some up. They're small Van Gogh prints, which is my favorite. I'm pretty passionate about art, I did a lot of reading this summer on the history and pecific time periods of western art. However, my roommate just put them up for their aesthetic value. Oh well, you can't win them all. Most though, anyway.

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12

Today was a pretty good day. I had only one class and then I had the chance to take a nap. I was so tired. And I am not sure why. I mean I know why, I am up until late on the phone every night with Danny but I should be getting used to that right? I think that after over a year of talking on the phone that late I would be used to it. I miss him so much. I wish he were here with me. It seems like everything that I do or see or hear reminds me of him. Sometimes I have a hard time concentrating in class because I am thinking about him. That is not a good thing; I mean I need to concentrate on my work and my studies. Sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like I miss him more than I miss my family. Is that bad? I mean I feel like it shouldn't be that way. But I love him so much. I constantly wonder if we will end up being together forever. I really think this could be the one. I am really nervous though about even telling my parents about how serious we are. I mean they must suspect something but I know they would never guess exactly how serious we are. I always wished I could tell my parents more than what I do but I never have felt like we have any kind of connection in that respect. It seems like all my good friends have that and I am defiantly jealous about that. I mean Laura, my roommate, has that with her mom. She can tell her mom anything. Why is it that I never felt like I could talk to my mom? I will never do that with my kids, I mean when I have kids I am going to keep that line of communication open. I mean I don't think they want me to be their best friend or anything and that doesn't faze me but I would like to be able to talk to them about the daily gossip at school or the party they went to last weekend or their boy/girl problems. I think that if Danny and I do stay together, he would make a great father. I mean he has the same opinions as me about raising kids and all that. I mean that is a lot of the reason we are so good together. We think alike and we know what the other one is thinking. Something I just thought about is our friends. I like his friends, and they like me. But it seems that some of my good friends just don't think highly of Danny. I mean it is upsetting. Liv makes me mad because she thinks she knows what is going on and she thinks that I could do better, I constantly tell her that she couldn't know. She doesn't know Danny like I do and she doesn't know the type of relationship that Danny and I have. Jill usually is pretty positive about things with Danny and I and so is Laura. Matt it seems never is. But Matt is a whole other story. I don't talk to Matt all the time anymore being that he still is back in San Antonio. One thing I can't stand about Matt is his constant mood changes. It is just so hard for me to deal with that sometimes. And it seems like no matter what happens he always knows what is going on between Danny and me and if he doesn't he asks me and expects that I am just going to tell him. What does he think I am stupid? He can't keep a secret and that bugs me. I mean if I tell a good friend of mine something that I think is personal, I would expect them not to say anything. The problem is that I don't always tell them not to say anything but I would hope being that they are my best friend they would be able to figure that out on their own. I think that is not too much to ask. Just the other day Matt asked what Danny and I did the other night. That is none of his business and I tell him that and he still pries. What is his problem? Sometimes I wonder how Matt and I have stayed friends for so long, and good friends at that.

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30

Well, here I am writing my paper for psychology. There is so much noise here. Everyone has their stereos on full blast. It's a good thing I have mine. I need to change the song. So many songs that I skipped. It is okay. I found one that I want to listen to. This is a really good song. It is called Judith" from A Perfect Circle. Their new album was strange. It sounded like a different band, so calm and mellow. I like it anyways because it calms me down. I don't know what I would do with out music. It is so essential to me. I believe that it is my sanity. If I didn't have my music I would go insane. So many feelings and thoughts in the lyrics. I am amazed that someone is willing to reflect on their lives or any given moment and come up with such inspiring. I can't think of the other word I was going to say. I hope I do well in my classes. I am really getting used to this thing called "college life. " I feel at home and myself here in Austin. I've been waiting for a day like this. I still miss my family though, but I am strong. There goes two minutes off my time. My mom called and I had to explain to her something. I sometimes feel confused about who I really am. There are always moments in my life where I take a moment to reflect on myself and existence. I wonder how we did come about existing. So many explanations and theories, it is hard to believe them. I would rather come up with my own explanation. It is hard to, but I still have until the day I die to come up with an answer. I can't believe that two years have past since my uncle died. I will never forget that day. I really never experienced a death in the family. It really changed my outlook on life. I know wherever he is, he is looking over me and seeing how much I have accomplished. So many obstacles in my life and I managed to knock them over to get where I wanted to go. I wonder where I am going to end up in life. This journey is long and treturous. I need to tread with caution. So many threats in the world now a days. What drives the human race to act the way they do. So ignorant and destructive. As long as I just focus on my life and not that of others, I will be fine. It has got me this far. Life is so wondrous and worth living. Twenty one. the beginning of our end.

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29

strees is this what college is really about. I never thought it would be this stressful especially this early in the game reading, class, reading, andmore reading. I never read this much in highschool therewas never any need I always found a way to float by but now Ihave to there isno more timeto fake it this is for real this is the big leagues as my dad would say. Speakin of which I remeber the car ride here the thousands of adages and proverbs and basically bullcrap that decided was something that was entirely neccesary and vital for me to hear I suppose he hadthe right to afterall he is paying for this and if I SCREW up then he will be the onetopay for the mistake therefore PREESURE and extreme amout of it for what reason it makesmewonder if anything including a college degree is worth that much in thegrand scheme of thingsafter all cameron's dad never went to college he decided to persue his dreams and enjoy life and heseems tobedoingjust fine but that not the Oleniczak way theOleniczak way is to pressure ourselvesto death that is to say that we must always succeed and at all costs wether it means dedicating our lives to something we hate orpretending that we really enjoy those things which will make us successful or at least acceptable to therest of our family because afterall god knows that if Anut Pat's kids succeed furthur in life then we do then we are obviosly not worthy who am I kidding they arenotthat bad after all I kow they love ilove them and they may putsome pressure on me but I know that deep down they are probably in the right despite that I am right where I want to be on my own away from home and surrounded by girls sounds like utopia if you put it in that perspective I guess I would not haveit any other way this is what I want and this is what I am going to do

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12

I am wondering why I am doing this writing assignment and if I really have to because I am doing the research also. THe music that I am listening to right now is very loud. I wonder if I should go to class today. I am very lucky to have checked the web page today because there is a lot of information that I didn't know about. The test coming up on the 15th worries me because I am not sure what it will be over or what to study. My forearm is already beginning to cramp up while I am typing. my leg itches. I like this song that is coming on now. My eyes are very tired. my head itches and I have to scratch it. I think I need to stretch my neck. I really need to start getting more sleep since I have been at college my sleep habits have been horrible. There is something under my foot that is bothering me. I wonder how long I have been typing for. Only five minutes. Now I am feeling like this is going to take forever. It is kind of dark in the room that I am in. I'm thinking about pizza. now I am thinking about the girl who's room I am in. She is in the shower. I ate pizza with her for lunch. She is very beautiful. She sure has been in the shower for a long time. Dave Matthew's songs all sound alike to me. I can't get over how everyone loves that guy like he is the beatles of the 90's or something. My mind has gone blank for a second. What time is it now. Only 8 minutes. How come all girls are getting belly buttons rings. If I was a girl I wouldn't get one. That would hurt and why go through that pain. I think the music is getting louder. Cell phones! Everybody is getting those too. And they keep getting smaller. That reminds me of Lethal Weapon 4 when Chris Rock complains that they are only making them smaller so they are easier to lose so that you have to buy more phones and they make more money. I can't think of anything. I am wondering if I really have to do this. Time check. 12 minutes. It is hot. It smells like austin water. The water in austin is really hard and always dries out my skin. I need a chair in my room so when I watch tv I don't have to sit on my bed because that hurts my back. My back is hurting right now. Basketball caused my back problems. I should be playing basketball right now. Everybody thinks I am obsessed with basketball because I talk about it a lot but when you love something shouldn't it be on your mind a lot. I want to be a basketball coach. I can't imagine going to a job everyday and be thinking about basketball behind some desk where I can't play or coach. I have to be a coach or I won't enjoy my job. This girl kim drops everything on her feet. I swear to god she has burned herself with her curling iron six times six times since I have been here. sHe just interupted my train of thought. I kind of like this stream of thought thing because I am realizing all the crazy stuff I think about in a given time. THis song satellite. i mean what the hell is he talking about. It doesn't make since. time check. one more minute till I get to hit the infamous submit button. This was kind of fun. my arm is kind of tired though.

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11

I am sitting in my room and I look around to see my roommate and my boyfriend. Trying to make my train of thought come to me so I can type it. All I can think about is all my boyfriend's theories about life and his many different issues. He believes in "Boxism", he was a little out of it when he thought of this, were everyone was born in a box which was placed in a bigger box, hospital room, which is part of a bigger box, the hospital hall, which is placed into a bigger box, the whole hospital building itself. Then he goes on to state that we are then taken home and put in a box, the crib, which is in a box the room, part of the bigger box the whole house. After this we go to school and the classroom becomes our box after we graduate we our placed in our dorm room box and walk from class to class or box to box. After we finally manage to get a job our cubicle or office which then becomes our box. Then he goes on that when we die they dig a box and put you into a box. My boyfriend's theory always brings a smile to my face as I remember when he first told me this. Wow, that only took me ten minutes. I look around my room and see all my pictures and think about going back to high school, I believe that those are some of the best times in my life. My class was very small and we all got to know each other very well. I have always been told that college is the best time of you life but it will take a lot to compete with high school. I hope it becomes the best time of my life. I have already come to enjoy it and have become adapted to college life. I love being able to do whatever I want when I want to. I hope these next few years will become the best years of my life.

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5

I don't believe it I hate the way things are with the club and stuff I just don't feel like I belong I mean with monica it's okay but with Loni and Jennifer I just hate the way they take over everything why didn't they even let us work on the poster it was just them two why did I even go up there in the first place I mean annette never called back it was just like whatever oh well I really do hate it now. how can I be the network chair what do I know about building webpages why did she just ask me if I had gotten on her computer like what? she probably thouhght I got on it because the screensaver was on I did send her that life expectancy test I am going to live until I'm 86 according to it I sent janie the camera test I can't believe janie left me how could she get marriedd tubby toast I wonder who that is lit's Munchechee man I realllt don't' feel like talking to aziza or anyone she just came back with her books all happy I jjust hate the way sthings got so messed up last year it was so different I'm so happy my classses from summer school were transferred yippe I won't get dropped tomorrow mr kapluvousky's so nice why did karla just like leave like that she doesn't make sense along with another one who is sitting right next to me all typing away there goes tubby toast again who knows who that was I need to call melanie I really don't know if I should talk to her I mena I don't even know her even though our parents do work together still I don't know she sounds like she 's really loud I need to go brush my teeth that monkey thing was pretty funny she's talking to me something about wednesday man tomorrow is wednesday I really don't want to go to the lab 5-8 that's like an eternity and then when am I going to eat dinner I'm going to be starve man I'm hungry right now I feel like having some milk maybe late nite is open karla said they had grilled cheese sandwich howcome Joey didn't call today who knows but tomorrwo she'll come banging on my window sixteen dollars for office 2000 no way that doesn't sound right maybe some copies karla is talking wan'ts to borrow abby's compute has a resume due tomorrow the light is too bright karlas gone I feel bad that I didn't get to talk to my parents when they called I really hope they get the house although I don't want them to stress they have enough problems but it's for the besst although junior is going to freak and plus I am scared for us not really the best house but it's a start gosh how are they going to do it by the end of this month it's going to happen and then the wedding is on the 18th but I have tests that following monday I can't miss the wedding the wedding of my cousin whom I don't know I don't know anyone there only rosa and ma's hermana I don't want them to ask me any weird questions like always do you have a boyfriend I hate that question and that's all they want to know no not about my studies just about my love life I don't get them I hate the way my mother loves to tell them that no judy doesn't have time for boyfriends it will certainly be something with allthe family there what am I going to wear howcome they didn't say anything the invitation should be home now I really want to see it it's like the first time I ever experience a real inivitation from my family.

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12

Such a new, big place to be. So many people to meet and things to do. I hope it all turns out alright. This is such an important time in my life. Hopefully I will do well in school and also have a tremendous amount of fun. I have already met so many people that I can't even remember all their names. This is such a confusing time for me. Trying to settle on a new group of friends and trying to fit in. Because I joined a fraternity I don't think making friends will be a big problem, but I still don't feel totally comfortable with them yet. Everyone tells me that those will be my best friends four the next few years and probably for the rest of my life and I hope they're right. I can't wait for longhorn football season to start. I've been such a huge fan all my life and now I am finally able to go to the games as a student. I'm trying to think of something else to talk about. Oh, I got it. My girlfriend and I just had our one year anniversary today. I feel really bad because we could not really go out. I did bring her breakfast in bed though. she gave me the most amazing present I have ever gotten. it was a book she put together of pictures and other things that we have done together over the past year. I almost cried because she put so much time effort and love into it. I just glanced at my clock and I only have a few more minutes to keep on writing. I’ll finish up by talking about school. I hope I start off my college career off with a good semester and then keep it going throughout my college career. That would then lead to many good career opportunities and a happy, successful life.

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I'm really unsure about this assignment because I'm afraid I won/t be able to think of things to say for 20 minutes so I'll start off with why I'm so mad right now. last night Allison, Rebecca, and Stephanie and I went with Paul and trey to go coon hunting because Allison and I went with them last weekend and it was fun, so anyway we drove for an hour to get to Killeen over this bridge that they hang prostitutes from no that was later first we went to this house that was so trashy that Rebecca didn't even want to go inside to use the bathroom so she went outside that’s gross then we drove to the place for hunting and they made us get in the bed of the truck and trey drove about 50 mph and we were flying all around we played this I’ve never game I didn't realize that Rebecca and Stephanie are just like me that’s cool so then we go over this bridge that smells like shit or rotting carcasses or something and we were so scared because Stephanie was telling a ghost story abo9ut a bridge and then trey turned around and we went over the bridge about 3 more times we were so scared then we get to the field and Paul was already being an asshole and they took the dogs out Allison had begun Paul had Jodi and trey had flip and they left the walker bitch spice in the truck so we start walking toward the creek which turned out to be raw sewage and I refused to go any further and Paul screamed at me that I was a bitch and he didn't give a fuck what I did so I went back through the woods with no flashlight so I could get in the truck I have never been more scarred in my entire life I prayed the whole time and I took spice out because I was afraid that I was going to get raped and murdered or something I was bawling and trying to tell my parents through telepathy that I loved them and that I would miss them because I was going to die then I heard a voice yelling my name and asking for help it was trey he was coming back to make sure I was okay I was so happy then about 30 minutes later the others came back, they looked like night of the living dead with briars and thorns all in their hair they told me they wished they'd stayed with me then they got in their bras and panties because their clothes were soaked with sewage and we drove home the whole time Paul is bitching to Allison about everything and treating her like shit I think she could do so much better but she's in love and I told her that but we didn’t get home until 4am and I had a 10 class that I've missed too much already but I made it and that has basically what has been consuming me today I’m sorry if its not what you wanted.

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Okay, so we're supposed to write for twenty minutes about nothing really. It's a show about nothing-Seinfeld. That is an episode for all you non-Seinfeld watchers out there. You really should watch it though. It is really funny. I like funny. Funny is good. I am trying to type fast without looking at the keys and it is not working. Alessandra thinks she's so cool cause she typed faster than me in micro computer applications last year. I wasn’t a very fast typer. I am stupid because I forgot to look to see what time I started writing. I am going to assume that I've only been writing for about three to five minutes. At least I am getting this done though. I have to go to psychology class in forty five minutes. Last class we took these tedious surveys for eligibility in experiments. It wasn’t fair because there were like 2-3 surveys for just girls. So all the guys got finished and left to go take naps or eat. Speaking of eating, we ordered Poky Sticks from Gumby's pizza last night. I hope the roommates pay me back for that. But I don’t want to be rude and ask for the money. I am really cheap. But it is all coming out of my spending money. My friends are all getting money from their parents. My dad is being annoying though. He wants me to learn to budget my own money. He would have given me so much a month if my older sister hadn’t told him that she didn’t get any money her first year in college. Those older siblings cant just be happy for the younger ones can they. Everything has to be fair, doesn’t it. Oh well. I shouldn’t be complaining I guess. I am getting to go to the school I wanted to go to. I am getting the feeling that people around me are trying to read what I am writing. I know they're not though. They have better things to do I'm sure. I’m just paranoid I guess. Today is Thursday. We have a floor meeting tonight. A chance to meet our neighbors. Warning !!! When you log out all your files will be erased!! That is what the sticker on this computer says. I think they are over-using exclamation marks there. But that is just my opinion. I am not really one to use exclamation marks very freely. I think it is raining. I had to walk back from the library yesterday in the pouring rain with my roommate. She is pretty cool. She smokes too much though. I am trying to break her of that horrible habit. I think she is just getting annoyed with me though. She has bad posture. We've bonded already. I m glad I didn’t get some kinda weirdo for a roommate. She says she is getting a haircut today. Then again she has been saying that for the past two days. I really need to spit this gum out. I've been chewing it for almost two hours. Some random guy gave it to me when I was waiting to go to my boring English class. I need a computer in my room. My mom says she bought me a lava lamp for my room. I really want her to come down and drop it off, but I don’t want her to stay for the weekend. I am getting very sleepy. This staying up until 2am every night cant keep up for much longer. I have about five more minutes to write. What else should I write about. I feel like a lab rat. Are people going to read this later on and analyze me. Will they get in contact with me if they find out that I have some kind of mental illness? Or will they just forget about it and write a book about Me? My shoes are stiff from the rain yesterday. and I have to go to the bathroom really bad. Gotta spit this gum out. I am getting antsy. I think its been twenty minutes. This was fun.

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My sandwich tastes really good! The pickle in it is a little too zesty, though. I don't think I'll buy those from HEB anymore. I wish I had more time to watch TV. I really miss Big Brother 3, but I really can't find enough hours in the day. It makes me sad :( I have a latin quiz on Friday, I don't know how well I'm going to do. I have flashcards for the vocabulary words, and they seem to be helping, so I think I'm going to go back and make flashcards for all of the paradigms. That's the hard part! The paradigms aren't very different than spanish, but they are. I get them confused sometimes. I'm upset that I went to College Station this weekend and missed church. I really wanted to go this Sunday, but instead I went to Mass with my friend at College Station. I had fun in CS, and I definitely didn't want to stay here with my roommate, but I would have rather been back for the service. Oh well, I can go on Sunday. I start my job tomorrow!! I'm kind of nervous about that. I've never had a job before. What if I really screw up?? And what if I'm not able to get from my job to my classes on time? On Tuesday and Thursday, I'll have no problem, but what about Friday? I work from 9-1, and I have a class at one. on the other side of the campus. I wish I would have just told her that I'd like to go into work an hour earlier on Thursday and then I could get out of work an hour earlier on Friday morning. That would have been perfect. But oh, well. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. . I took the pretest for the psych experiments and it seemed like it took forever!! I didn't think I'd ever finish it. I've only been typing for 6 minutes!! 14 more to go, lol. Does anyone actually read these things? Like, is it ok if I stop typing for a couple of seconds to take a bit of my sandwich? I think I'm going to, hold on. . YUMMY!! It's good, but those darn pickles. . Oh well. what exactly are we supposed to talk about. What we see? Or feel? or smell? or whatever. Well, I'll tell you what I see. . WAIT! No, I'll describe my side of the room for you: on my closet door I have a movie poster of Ben Stiller's movie Zoolander . It has a great big, lime green Z on it and has Zoolander written at tht bottom in purple letters. It also has Ben Stiller sitting kind of funny (I'm not sure how to explain it) in front of the Z. At the top it says 3% Body fat, 1% brain activity. I've never seen Zoolander, have you? I just liked the poster because I thought it was funny. Beside it, I have a movie poster of Orange County. It has Colin Hanks on it with oranges for eyes, and Jack Black has an orange in his mouth. Jack Black is gross. . all he did the whole movie was run around in his underwear. 10 minutes up! Halfway done. Ok, back to my posters. The next poster I have is of Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, my favorite movie ever. She's wearing the black dress that she wears at the beginning when she's looking at Tiffany's in the morning. Remember that dress? She also has one of those looooong cigarette things, I'm not sure what it's called. *sigh* every girl should watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. It's the best. Another poster I have is of Rat Race. Everyone on the poster has big heads and little bodies. On the poster there's: I think his name is Breckin Meyer, he was on Clueless, too. There's also Amy Smart, Seth Green, Whoopie Goldber, some guy who's name I don't know and can't relate another movie to him, Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Jon Lovitz, and the guy who keeps falling asleep throughout the movie. He's my favorite. I'm win-ning! It's so funny! Ok, I also have an Ocean's Eleven poster. It's read with white writing on it. In the front are the hotties George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon, and in the back kind of faded out are the rest of their little helpers from the movie. Beneath the title of the poster (Ocean's Eleven, hehe) It says They're having so much fun it's illegal. I think this is my favorite poster in my whole room. I also have a Spy Game poster on it. The only person on it is Robert Redford, and it says It's not how you play the game. it's how the game plays you. Very cool. What else? Oh! I also have a little picture, that is once again from Breakfast at Tiffany's. It has both Audrey Hepburn and George Peppard looking in the window at Tiffany's. She's wearing the same dress that she's wearing in my big poster and George is wearing a coat and pants, with a skinny tie. He has his hands in his pocket and is laughing abut something silly that Holly Golightly has said. At least, that is what I assume. I have been typing for 16 minutes and 50 seconds so that leaves me about 3 minutes left. Hmmm. . what else can be said. I have to save some describing for later, I don't want to give it all away in this first time. What will I talk about next time? Are there ever going to be subjects for you to talk about, or will it always be like a mad journal thing? I understand this mad journal thing, though, because what if you gave me a subject that I didn't really have much to say about. What would I say then?? So, I guess this is good, just mad journaling. . I'll think about what to say more next time, so I'll be a little more prepared and won't bore you out of your mind. 18 min. 48 seconds. . 1minute and some odd seconds left. 19 min!! woo-hoo. ok one more minute. What about this war GWB wants to have with Iraq?? Is he nuts! That'll be 2 wars (or at least fights) that we've had while he was president. How sad. 20 seconds left. what to say, what to say. . 10 seconds. Well, I'll start my good=byes now. Goodbye!!