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it is often very cold in the Fac the smurf lab especially they call it the smurf lab because it's a student microcomputer facility the acronym and its meaning both absurdly out of date. the computers are new and black the keys crunching crisply under my sore and tired fingers sore and tired from a 3 hour lab drawing three dimensional models in a computer, changing materials, trying to get travertine to stick to cool, airy software. a man comes in (a boy a man) and sits at the computer I usually use but couldn't because his stuff was there. he pulls a sandwich out of a bag, readjusts his hat, takes a slow bite of the sandwich and gets back to work chewing and biting calmly and contentedly as if preparing for a long night which will require nourishment of a complete sort. complete nourishment completed with a drink of some brownish liquid like all other brownish liquids we drink as humans nearly indiscriminately. 4 minutes four minutes of aching arms and hands nerve cells firing the table to my brain, the itch on my right cheek to my brain, the cool air of the place to my brain. I love to write. I love to think in written form, to read the words in my brain, to think nothing but print if I can manage it. Not just in a case like this as if I ever had a case like this - but in all of my life, my every day. My speaking to others has quotation marks around it, descriptive ways of describing what I describe. I always want to write discribe and I don't think I ever have until now because always my mind ( the silent one, the one that doesn't think in word sounds or print) my silent mind stops my hand and puts an e there because it's right, because I knew that from the beginning but the part of my brain that lives in kindergarten, brown bear brown bear what do you see? - tells me so. No it tells me iiiii iii aye aye aye eye eye eye but it's eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I live in an apartment on my own now I can barely get it out of my head because it was so beautiful when I moved in bare clean white bright new and beautiful and I keep it so clean and I love that about the apartment and I love that about me. I love to keep it all perfect. any one in the world could walk in the door and other than my messy grammar of any one's and every thing's there would be nothing out of place. I could open the door to the world and there is nothing shameful lying about no dirty plates and cups no clothes on the floor no mess around the sink. It's all clean as I'd like my life to be and am so gradually making it. The separation of church and state - the separation of method and emotion. Somehow I now think of star trek - oh, vulcans. Those crazy vulcans. I loved the next generation but I could never stomach any of the other iterations- the other shows in the series. The next generation was so right - picard so venerable, so rarely stooping to kirks weaknesses or the others' stupidities. So french, so proud. they made this archae not anthropological finding of some skull of some ancient form of man (in real life, not star trek) and they goyt got some graduate student or artist or pro or whatever to make a cast and then cover it with skin and eyes and hair to recreate the face of ancient man and it accidently turned out to look like patrick stewart and everyone thought hey ancient man looked like patrick stewart and they said no it didn't it's just a mistake but it was a great funny mistake anyway. I think a lot about william and henry james. I just read portrait of a lady over the summer and then to read ab out william in the psych book was so great so great to think that brothers could accomplish noteriety in separate fields to think that greatness was inherited from their father but they still so outshone him. my father has a software company and employs a man named john stewart which I think of because of patrick. He (john) drives a brand new red car red what corvette that's it. a red corvette so new that at the corvette show they didn't have one and paid him to put it on display. did they pay him? my ear itches. They used to say in elementary school if your ear itches someone is thinking about you who thinks about me. The boy in the chair I usually sit in is thinking about me because I see him glance up from time to time in the corner of my eye. He eats like a man watching football, chews with his mouth open swallows gulps too large to imagine. so close to done and I loved doing this because I never write anymore. s

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right now I am worried because I just submitted a blank form. I pressed the tab button and instead of moving the cursor it highlighted the submit button. When I started to type it send a blank assignment. Oops. I want to play football for the longhorns I watched football all day today and now I am ready to take the field. My stomach is about to burst. The never ending pasta bowl at The Olive Garden is hurtin me. The Astros won their tenth in a row. Sosa didn't hit any homers. This might be one of the weirdist assignments I have ever had. I wish the tests were like this. I would have an A. Writing for this class has caused me to remember how to beat the lie detector test. Squizing the sphincter has got to be the way to go. My roomate was hit on by a homosexual this weekend. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it made him feel a little aukward. I am way behind in all of my classes. I am writing this on the day before the extended due date. I have to read so many chapters in every class I think my eyeballs are going to fall out. My chest itches. I am tired of typing and I still have twenty more minutes on the second writing assignment to finish. It is about eleven forrty five at night and I am ready to sleep on my concrete bed. It is negative thirty in my room. I wake up with a runny nose every mourning. My breath stinks. It smells like Italian food. Our waiter tried to make conversation with us tonight. He ask where we went to school and if we played sports. We told him that we were freshman at UT and that we lost our scholorships due knee injuries. He started to laugh and replied with " yeah, I remember high school, playing sports and smoking joints!" High class service. Times up.

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September 4, 1997 Well, here I go beginning my stream of consciousness. I really don't know why I put the date up at top, just that I do that with everything, apologize if it offends you. Right now I am freaking out on my foot, which is almost killing me today. I swear I think I have the largest foot blister ever created currently on my foot and its not fun because I can't run, jog and it even hurts to walk on the thing. I have trouble putting on socks because the blasted thing hurts so bad. I'm really beginning to wonder what I did to deserve that, I really don't think I've messed anyone up really bad lately. I've actually been kinda nice lately, which I usually am. Well, I guess nice unless you consider what I did on Monday night. You see, some people keep calling up our dorm room and asking if its the Perry Castaneda library. I had been telling them that it wasn't until I got sick of it. So some girl called on Monday and asked how long we were open. I told her we'd be open until 12:00 midnight and that if she hurried she could catch us before we closed. I guess it was kinda mean but I also thought it was really funny. Well, my hands are already starting to hurt me and that's not good because I have about fourteen minutes left. anyway, I'm starting to get hungry now but I still have more work to do so I figure I'll leave after I'm done with it all, which will take forever. Oooh, look at her, I guess I'm definitely going to have to move after I'm done here. Oh, by the way, I'm in the SMF at the library so I can be easily distracted while I'm doing this. I must confess I do that quite a bit, like the girl sitting next to me in class today, of course, I did listen to the lecture, but it was still kind of a distraction. Anyway, wondering what to type now to let you know what's going on in my sick little head. Hey, you ever hear why ice is no longer available at the Texas A&M cafeteria? The senior who knew the recipe graduated. I have alot of questions like that. For instance, if you throw a cat out a window, does it become kitty litter? If olive oil is made of olives, what is baby oil made of? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why do they put Braille on ATM machines? Speaking of blind, what about those signs that say, "No Eye Seeing Dogs. " I mean, who's that sign for? The blind man or the dog? At the special Olympics, do they have reserved spots for non-handicapped persons? How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work? Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Does a radioactive cat have 18 lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? If Styrofoam packs everything, what do they pack Styrofoam in? Why is it that you drive on Parkways and park on driveways? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick on the pan? If Alsups is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door? Why is it that whenever you transport something by ship, its called cargo and when you transport it by car, its called a shipment? Why do they call it taking a dump when you're actually leaving something? Anyway, those are the crazy things that go through my mind. Hopefully, I won't be classified as a loony and become subjected to further tests or something. Until next time.

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I just finished working out. It was pretty tiring. I haven't worked out in awhile. It's kind of cold in the room right now. I'm always cold. I dont' really know why. It's kind of weird. I miss Freddy so much. Gosh, this webcam thing might not be so good. It's good that I can see and talk to him, but everytime I do see and talk to him, I just get sad. I want him here with me, but he's so far away. sigh. oh well. at least I'll see him at Thanksgiving. That will give me something to work forward to. Hmmm. My sister's husband is here for the weekend. It's still really weird. I can't imagine my sister married. It's quite strange. But she seems happy, so it's good. I feel bad that her friends are taking better care of her than I am though. Kind of makes me feel bad. But I'll babysit when the twins are due, so maybe that will make up for it. I'm going to work really hard this sememster. I have nothing else to do really. I can't go clubbing or to any parties or have one on one with any guy friends. With is kind of poopy. Because I actually get along better with guys. But it's ok, because he can't do anything either. I was going to write something and I just forgot what. I do that a lot. I'll like so upstairs or something and then I'll forget why I went upstairs. Yeah, it's pretty strange. Hmm. the tv is going on in the background. It's a pretty funny show. I need to go to the bathroom. I just drank a lot of water. But I still have like 15 minutes left on the clock. Wow. 20 minutes is a long time when you're just typiung random thoughts. I'm not homesick at all. I knew I probably wouldn't be. I've always been the independent type. Pipit is a pretty good roommmate. We dont' have the same friends or anything and we dont' hang out really, so I don't think we'll get sick of each other or annoyed with each other. She's out of the room a lot, so that's good too. I'm always on the webcam, so I guess its' good that she goes out or I think she'd be really annoyed. I havent' really met anyone new yet. I guess going ot UT does that to you. You stay in your comfort zone and it just takes too much effort to get out of it. Plus, it's weird. Even when I'm hanging out with friends or something, I'll start wanting to go back into my room to talk on the webcam. Man, I'm such a nerd. Haha, oh well. I think calculus will be my hardest class. I hate math. Ugh, at least I will have no more math after this class. woohooo. well, except that i'm doing accounting, which is a lot of math. But it's like simple math. So I'll be ok. At least no more integration in my entire life. goodness, that will be good to get rid of. Ahhh. . only halfway finished with the time. I tend to do that a lot too. I always look at the time. Even though i pretend not to. I still do out of the corner of my time. It's like I try to trick myself. But it's doesnt' really work so much. hehe. A lot of people are gone for the church retreat. I dunno. I kind of of wanted to go, because I didn't go last year, but I'm just not very comfortable with the church anymore. I feel like all they do is judge you. The pastor and the counselors and everybody just look down on you if you're not a servant leader or if you don't serve or if you don't talk to them and tell you all their problems. Yeah, I think it's pretty dumb. It's makes me really mad sometimes. They have no right to judge. My spiritual life is between me and God and no one else. uughh. Yeah, but I think I'm going ot find a new church when I go back from college. That will be good for me I think. Steven is iming my sister right now. I still feel kind of bad for him. They went out for like 3-4 years and then my sister marries someone else. But it's for the better. THey fought like everyday and he would always cry. SO that's not too healthy either. I miss my doggies too. Dusty Babulee Chen and even Mocha. Awww. my Dusty. I want him here to keep me company. I think Dusty is the only one who knows all my secrets. Because I know he won't tell anybody, considering he's a dog. He's so old already. It's going ot be so depressing when he passes away. That's going to be one sad day. I had a bad dream last night. Freddy dream-cheated on me. Man, that sucked. I was sooo mad when I woke up. I must be really insecure or something. THis is the second time I've dreamt that he's dream-cheated on me. Hahaha. That's pretty funny. It kind of sucks that my boyfriend and one of my really good guy friends hate each other. With a passion too. It's pretty bad. But Freddy has nothing to worry about, that's so gross. Rex is like a brother and I think of him as a girl too. I wonder if he knows? He should. people always make fun of him about it. But maybe he just think we're kidding or something. Hmmm. maybe we should tell him. Dang, my hands are gettting really tired form typing. I don't think I exactly have the right technique. I wish I still played piano like before. I want to relearn the Chopin song. Maybe I will. . if I motivate myself to. That would be really good. That music class is pretty simple though. I hope these 3 months until Thanksgiving so really really fast. I cant' wait to see Freddy. Man, I think about him a lot.

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I just got back from your class, so I decided that I should start to type this paper. I am very happy with my classes, even though I feel like they are going to be rather difficult this year, especially my Calculus class. I have a hard time understanding what my professor is saying. I end up have to go home and teach myself most of the information. Well that's enough about school. I just thought about my exgirlfriend. I have very strong emotions about her. I know that she was my first love. But I also am so mad at sometimes. We had talked about me going off to college and we knew that it probably would work about, so we decided that we would date other people. From my experience this really does work out. The first girl that I dated after her was a girl from my waiting job in New Braunfels. I decided that I should tell my exgirlfriend, whose name is Genie, about the girl. This was a very big mistake. Genie came to the restaurant where I worked and caused a big scene. But this isn't the only thing that makes me mad. Things are totally different now that we decided to see other people. We don't get along and we can't talk to each other. I think women need to just make up their mind. They all act like want this perfect gentlemen that does everything for them, but when the actually get that they don't know how to treat it. Usually the go to far and try to take advantage of it and then the guy starts to despise the girl. I don't really wish that things were back the way they were, I just wish that we could still get along. I really miss talking to her. She was a person that I could tell everything to and still feel comfortable about doing so. I am lucky though, because I have a sister that I am very close to. She also goes to UT and she has been a very big help with getting me settled in here in Austin. She only lives a couple of blocks away from me and she is there for me whenever I need anything, as I am for her. This is my freshman year and I am already dreaming that college would be over. It isn't that I don't enjoy Austin or College, it is just that I am tired of school. I wish that there could be a step in your life that you could just skip, but that is impossible. I would love to just be able to be settled in to a good paying job, but since that will never happen I am prepared to work now to enjoy the benefits later.

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There is drilling in the hall way which I find just irritating so much, I also find that I hate computers and I shouldn't have been born in this time period, but yet again all the technology I have now I can't live without. But I do find that man and woman both are getting lazier and lazier, we are all looking for a short cut to everything, I saw on a commercial that you don't have to scrub your toilet anymore because they invented some cool thing you can spray right into your toilet and poof all the yucky grime that forms around the toilet disappears. Also they got that fresh shower thing so you don't have to clean your shower anymore at all. So if you don't want to go out and drive to the grocery store you can go on line and order your groceries. I remember once this Randall's Peapod truck fill with some lazy person's grocery came by our house looking for directions to someone's house. I found how funny it was that people are willing to pay people to grocery shop for them. Grocery shopping to me is one of the most easiest things in the world and I rather enjoy it. Lazy people! See this was why Amazon. com was going up 15 points a day two years ago. Thanks to lazy people, amazon. com stockholders were rich, but now amazon died down a bit. Ok I did shop at amazon. com once, I'm not a big fan of sending out my credit card number across cyber space, I just don't feel safe, it's that insecurity paranoia I have. But I guess shopping online is sort of fun. But I feel that things are getting much more easier and I'm getting much lazier. I come to UT and everything is like technologized if that is such a word, but I mean I can pay may bills online! and register my classes online, and heck you got a website to make my life easier. I'm for extra help, but to mean all the stuff to make my life easier is bumming me out, I wonder if I am as smart without the technology because it's like the other people living way before or going to school at UT before all the new tech stuff was offered to them. I mean every student almost has to have an email account, I still don't know how to get to mine at all. I'm so computer illiterate and I want to be a MIS major, isn't that an oxymoron. One day I know that I will have to eventually have to buckle down and start learning how to work a computer and not ask people to help me with it. I told my teacher once that if my computer ever breaks or my phone doesn't work I'll just hire someone to fix it, then he said to me, why don't you be the one that fixes things, some people make a living doing things that other people just rather hire people to do and they are making a fortune out of doing that. I didn't under stand that at the time it took me I think five years to figure out what he meant by it, then again I forgot what he said and then miraculously I remember what he said about some months ago and it made sense. It's weird that I have very few scattered memories about my childhood. I remember bits but never complete parts. It's more like images than anything mixed with sounds almost like a dream, damn drilling! sometimes I wonder if my early memories are actually dreams I had and I couldn't distinguish the two. Sometimes I have these dreams that feel so real and sometimes I have these dreams where I know that it's really a dream it's so weird. I wonder is coma people dream about when they are in a coma, do they dream at all, I know that this could be answered if I were to research it but I'm lazy, and I'm sure that if I do some exploring on the internet I could find a website that is dedicated to answering this question.

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There are many things that have been bothering me lately. I feel as if I have been betrayed by those that should be absolutely loyal. It is sad that people must always interfere in the things that make you happy. It is as if other people sense when you are content and are trying to steal your happiness out from under you. I have made many new friends that I know will be there for me for many years to come. I feel as if I am part of a sacred family that always supports and protects those that it calls its own. Well, that family has just been defiled by the actions of one. Even though I am not perfect myself, by any means, I always try to do my best when it comes to keeping promises. I am afraid to see what may come of this action. The consequences could be severe indeed if we are found to be guilty of this false accusation. I do not understand what could possess another person to want to place his family in jeopardy just for the sake of conversation. I am deeply saddened by this recent turn of events and I hope and pray that everything will work itself out and that my family will survive and be able to grow into the future. I am prepared to accept the consequences of the actions of my brothers; that is what makes us a family. We have already grown beyond the notion of selfishness and are prepared to assist our family members in any situation, even if it means that we will suffer greatly for actions that were not ours to commit. This new family means the world to me. After leaving my home I felt alone and afraid until I found a group of friends so loyal and so trustworthy that I immediately felt at home again. I will do anything to see that my new family is not harmed or defiled in any way. I believe that it is necessary to have a strong support group to succeed, not only as a student, but as a human being. I am prepared to lay down my selfish tendencies for the good of my family. It is the least I can do. I love my new family as much as my old family. I refuse to see it be destroyed.

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It's crazy to think here I am in a different city, a new room with new things everywhere. I am now a college student. During high school I couldn't wait for it and now that I'm here I feel out of place. Sure, I know plenty of people from high school along with a list of people whose names I no longer remember, and I stay busy doing all sorts of things, but it is not what I expected. The classes are so big, but is that not what you hear about every school, especially UT. I have not had the success I had I hoped to in meeting people, being the sociable person that I am, I expected it to come easier. I tell myself to give it more time, develop a routine, and things will get better. Everyone says get involved and you will meet more people. It makes me wonder if I should have rushed, though I do not see myself as a sorority girl. It seems as though everyone who pledged a sorority or fraternity is having such a great time. Are they really paying for friendships? I do not think I would have fit in to such a place. I just hope that by going to church groups and other small organizations that I will meet some people with whom I really enjoy hanging with. I am looking forward to my freshmen seminar that begins next Monday. With 30 people in the class, I know I will get to know some of the other students. I never thought I would admit to being homesick, but it is true. Though no one wants to admit it, we all miss home a little bit. However, when we are there we tend to hate it. Isn't it funny how that works? I have also decided that Austin is a city full of beautiful people. Everywhere I look, goodlooking boys and girls. It definitely has both disadvantages and advantages. I enjoy looking at the guys, yet there is so much competition at parties. Should I really care all that much what people at a frat party think of me? Well, I do and it definitely does not do much for one's selfesteem. I believe I am finding competition in everything. Whether it's who was at the gym longer, who studied the most, who had a better meal at dinner, who drank the most last night, or who's going to more parties, there is a definite sense of competition in everything between the people I know. The people I went to high school with. The people whom I now want to separate myself from. Another thing I have noticed is how sleepy I always am. Here I am at 12:22 writing this when I am insanely tired. But why go to sleep, when I do not have a class until 2 tomorrow. There are also a lot of sick people around. The allergies are much worse here than almost anywhere I have been. I have had a cough and a cold since I've been here. It seems like I have so many problems, but I know that there are many people who would die to be in shoes. That is a good feeling, to be in a place where others want to be. I know I need to give things time and make the best of what I have.

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I really wish that I could get on to the psychology pretesting page to get it over with but I've tried three times and it won't let me on. It's really driving me crazy. I feel like I have so much stuff that I need to get done right know, but if I space it out I can get it done. I need to learn to manage my time a little better. It was easy to do everything at the last minute in high school, but I'm in college know and I need to keep up with my assignments. I'm sure other people are feeling the same as me. If I could get everything done in one day I would feel so relieved, but I have to much to do in one day. My two other friends, live in an apartment, and there so boring. All they do is sit at home all day and watch TV. I wish that they would go and do something, but if I asked them to do something they would probably do it. But, I just haven't asked. I'm still adjusting to moving. I come from a really small town, of about 2600 people, and I am overwhelmed at the amount of people that are here. I don't know where anything is at and I need to get my driver's license renewed, it has been expired for almost 2 months. One of my other friends goes to Southwestern in Georgetown. She says it is really hard and maybe she will transfer to UT next semester or year. That would be great for me, then I would know someone else here at the school. The chairs in the compurter lab are to close together. You can't move without hitting another chair. They need to spread them out. I want to go out one weekend and do something but I don't know very many people here and I don't want to impose on anyone and just ask them if I can tag along. They probably would'nt mind. I think I am going to go home this weekend. My mom really gets on my nerves, or she did this past weekend. I think it was because I was really tired. I really don't like going home because it is really boring and everyone just sits at this store called short stop. What Fun!!!! I would rather sit at home and watch TV. I want to go and get my hair cut and highlighted and start going to a tanning bed but it always feels like I don't have enough time in the day. I know that I really do I just don't go get it done. I am really tired right know. I went to bed really late last night and had to get up early but I can't take a nap because I need to finish my homework that I should have already finished. I also have to do my laundry. This chair is really comfortable though. I could fall asleep just sitting here. I hate paying for the copies that I make. I wish I had my own computer in my dorm room so that I wouldn't have to pay for them at all. It's a pain not having your own computer. I had to leave my at home so that my sister could use it if she needed. My parents said I could bring it but I'm in a supplementary room right now and didn't want to. My mailbox doesn't work and neither does our phone jack. I have two roommated, Megan and Maggie. I am supposed to get a check in the mail but it is not here yet and it was mailed on the 23 of August. but I guess it really doesn't matter since I can't get teh mailbox open yeat. I hope that no one else got my check because that would really suck. I could really use the money being here in Austin there is a lot of stuff I could buy. Especialy with all teh stores around here. I really want some khaki pants without the creases in the front and some capri pants. I'm getting tired of doing this but since I have to do it I have to continue writing. Wait, my bad it has been over 20 minutes. I have been writing to long. About 3 minutes to long so I'll be going know. Bye!!

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Wow! I cant believe that Brian still hangs around here. That idea about the red churches in England is really outrageous. The queen will never go for it. Anyway it was random of me to have seen him. I haven’t seen him since Joe played. Our power went out at the dorm and it really sucks. I waned to this assignment there but I obviously couldn’t. The rain today was so random. It was sunny then light again. My dorm seems o be the only one that lost power though. This keyboard is sticky and I don't like it very much. I cant wait till the weekend. At least I donut have too much work to do immediately. Most of it is due Tuesday. That boy is sooo cute. I donut understand why all of the cute ones are jerks 99 percent of the time. Can we say Josh? He totally ignored me at that party but he e-mailed Ilse for my number What's up with that? Jerk. I wish he would just make it easier on he both of us and just give me a call. Hello it's not that hard. I hope I meet some new guys soon cause these sure aren’t doing the job, I wouldn’t mind seeing Jordan again. He is sooooo hot. However I know that I could never have a good relationship with a boy like that. Shit, I couldn’t even hold Steven's attention. Then again he's a jerk. Anyway, I wonder how the boys are doing in apartment life. I just donut see them all living out on their own. I wonder how James and Julie are doing at A&M ? They should be coming down for a weekend soon enough. I guess Adi would call me if she's planning to come back any time soon. it is really convenient having been from here. I already know my way around and I know so many people. it is awesome. I cant believe my roommate was so loud last night when I was obviously trying to sleep. That is totally inconsiderate and she knows that I have an eight o’clock. I'm never loud when I have to get up at seven in the freakin morning, I feel like I should be loud sometime just to get my point across, I donut want to be rude to he though because I have to live with her a whole year and I might as well make the most of it Anyway my twenty minutes is over so I'm out.

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right now I'm thinking about my poor roomates because one of them, Lauren, just found that her little sister woke up this morning to find a bullet hole in her window! If her bed would've positioned different she would've been dead! I'm also thinking about my other roomate, Anna, she just found out that she didn't get the job that she wanted because she doesn't have time to go through training. I'm also kind of stressed because one of the reasons I came to this school is to do crew and now I'm nervous I'm not going to make the team, aghh. I also am stressed because I have a lot of homerwork to do right now such as reading for psychology and writing my english paper. It's also hard because I miss my family and wonder why I'm here, but then I think how I wouldn't be happier anywhere else. And then I'm wondering about who's going to be reading this and wondering if they think I'm a psycho and then I wonder, is anyone going to be reading this? go figure. I'm also really excited to be here be because I hate the snow in Wisconsin (where I'm from) and am so excited not to be cold here this winter. But I miss all my friends and hope they are happy where they are to. One of my best friends sisters said that in your first two weeks of college you change in ways more than you could ever fathom and you are such a different person the day you walk into your dorm and the day that you walk out. At college you have time to discover who you really are, and that is really cool you, or at least I, can discover who I am without the distractions of my family, my responsibilities, and my friends. In Texas no one knows who I am so I can reinvent myself to be whatever way I like, I can take time to discover if I really like myself and if I don't I have four years to change myself into the person that I want to be, wow I really like that it sounds nice. I just hope that I meet all the people I can and I hope I can get some best friends, I also worry about money and the fact that I'm spending it and not making it. Sometimes I'm so stingy. I also worry about how my family is going to survive without me (I know that sounds selfish) but I do a lot of things such as being a peacemaker between my sisters and cleaning up after my dog who isn't potty-trained and driving my sisters around and running errands for my parents, I'm sure they'll be fine I just in a way hope that they aren't so that they miss me. I hope that this writing piece doesn't seem self-centered because I'm just writing about myself. I just don't know what else to write about. I'm also listening to Etta James, I love her voice it is so awesome. oww my hands are sore I could never be a secretary. My major is actually elementary ed with a minor in psychology. I'm really excited to be a teacher but sometimes I wonder how I can be so excited about it or if I'm setting feminism back because I will be happy in such a traditional role. But hey whatever floats your boat right? Sometimes I get so excited about the way I'm going to decorate my classroom and the curicullum I'm going to teach. I'm also very excited to take all the classes that are required for my major. They should all be very exciting and hopefully the professors will be enthusiastic because how could they not be they are training us to go into their profession. It's so exciting how college is the step before my real job my whole life I have been preparing for college and now I'm in college and preparing for my next step, my job.

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30

Well I'm sitting here wondering why I have to do this assignment. Should I type correctly, capitalizing words. I don't normally when I chat on I'M or email someone. I really wonder if I'm ever going to get that song I'm practicing on the guitar. It's so hard to hear the parts because there are so many other instruments, namely the piano which is really getting in the way. Maybe I should try something simpler. but I get so bored with the simple stuff. I wonder if I can eventually get a Jason Mraz song or get to the point where I can just play something cool and everyone recognizes it. Will I ever lead worship at a church? Who knows. I don't really think that's my thing. there are so many cool people that do that already. In fact, I loved Friday night worship at the Sanchez Building. I really want to go back. I don't know if Hope in the City is the church that the Lord wants me at, but I really like it. I love how everyone is so friendly and genuine -- the worship is passionate, and I love that. I walk in and go, this is how Christians SHOULD be. " not like the majority of churches you walk into and see all the little cliques of friends, most of which are too comfortable and exclusive to open up to a new type of person or just a person in general. however, I know that there are some really cool places in Austin that I want to try: The Austin Stone, Hyde Park Baptist. who knows. Oh, EV Free. Oh, I saw court rode today. Man I love that girl. I hate that it's sometimes a struggle to talk to her though. It's cool if we talk about the general stuff, but not normal enough to just say whatever or something stupid because we haven't spent much time together. I mean, she is really cool, but she is a senior and has her own stuff, and I doubt that she would ever just want to hang out with me. However, I should give myself some credit -- I mean, she has called me and invited me to places (church, a cook-out. ), so maybe she is interested in introducing me to some cool people. Cool people -- I'm finding some but still missing Steph and Allison back home. Man I love them, too. They're great. I miss being so comfortable with someone that you can just do or say whatever's on your mind. or if nothing, you don't have to say anything, and it's totally fine. I wonder how they're doing. I wonder how Allison is doing in the dorm, meeting new people, finding new good friends, like Amanda. I'm really excited that Allison is branching out and exploring A&M, but I'm not ready for loss of contact completely, and I don't think she is either. I think she wants to (as do I and as does Stephanie) "make new friends but keep the old; one is silver and the other gold. " I can deal with being silver, or bronze even, but I would like to keep a place in her life. And man, I really want Stephanie and I to stay the good friends that we've become this summer. after Leslie's death. I love how she always understood and felt the same way I felt. We agreed that we never knew what Al was thinking but that we wanted to. Leslie -- man I miss her so much. Silver Taps at A&M is tonight, and I really want to drive back. I know I would miss Spanish in the morning, but I just want to see my friends and talk about her and remember her. I feel like things would be so different if she were still here: Stephanie and I would never have become as good of friends as we have because they would still be hanging out all the time. They would still support and love me completely, of course, but I think I would be more like Allison -- really branching out and finding new people. Plus, Stephanie would have someone to chill with in College Station. Sarah is cool and all, but she has her own issues, and I really would like someone there to keep Stephanie accountable, to pay her the attention that she needs. because we all do! I would really like to find someone like me, but not too much, and without a boyfriend (because the only cool girls I've found so far have boys. long-term boys, I think). I really want someone (a girl) that I can just play around with -- be stupid and say stupid things, but also have fun and be silly. I want to be able to plop down on her bed and either cry or laugh incredibly loud. Amazing, I actually already have that. Do I need/want new friends other than camp friends like Megan and Meredith. They love me so much and support me like crazy. They like it when I'm around and like to spend time with me and hear about things with me. especially Meredith. Megan has got lots of other stuff that's she is doing -- which is cool -- but she just doesn't really have all the time for me. which I guess sounds kinda selfish now that I've typed it out. But Meredith -- truly loving and sincere and like a big sister. Just seeing her around campus encourages me and makes me feel at ease. Not that I'm so uncomfortable here. I am SO GLAD that I left College Station and A&M to come to Austin and UT. What a blessing! this place is amazing and fun and new and exciting but also is quickly becoming a home. I find myself either almost getting lost or just finding new places or directions or whatever to go around town, and I love it. I love being able to know what street takes me somewhere else, or where my friends' houses are or where to go shop or. whatever else. Friends' houses. the boys -- haven't talked to them, want to see them. The girls -- looooved going over to their house the other night. I got to chill with Meg and tell her about school and life and etc while she shared the same. Liz and I also got to talk about Spirits and applications and all that jazz. Oh and I made it to the second round of the Texas Spirits app! Exciting. I can't decide what I think about it though. I know who I am, and I just want to be myself, but from what I hear and have seen, it might be like a sorority. Blah. I just don't want to conform -- I want to be a part of something cool and unique but without being stereotyped as something. I don't know. cookie-cutter, I guess. I hate that. I want people to like me for who I am. stupid and crazy and silly and fun and smart and perfectionist that likes crazy things and crazy music. crazy music -- ACL! And Russ is coming into town, and I just don't know what I think about that. Do I like him? Does he like me? I have no idea. I don't think I'd ever date him. he is younger and in Colle Sta and whatnot. But he is pretty great. I just have no idea. Ok well honestly I can't stop looking at the timer and how I have thirty seconds left. So I hope that I wasn't graded on capitalization or anything because I'm sure that I messed up all over, but hey it's all good -- all we had to do was write this thing. I'm confident. I'm happy. Class is cool. Don't want to take the tests

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14

Here I sit wondering just what to write that involves my stream of consciousness, which shouldn't be too hard. Writing for me is usually pretty easy, however this assignment seems to be particularly hard. Maybe because I feel partially tired and torn down from my long day. I am looking forward to tomorrow because Thursdays are probably my easiest days because I will not have to wake up at the usual 9am and oh yeah it is also one day closer to the weekend! Although I have to say that 9am is also a lot better than 8am, which was time I had to arrive at school during my high school days. Since high school just popped into my mind, I have to say that college is a major leap from high school. Despite the fact that it is more enjoyable it also is a lot more stressful. For instance, leaving your family, friends, and so forth behind. Not to mention your adolescence. I am happy to say that the transition for me has ran pretty smoothly although the major bumps are yet to come. One of my "bumps" that I am experiencing is the massive amount of reading involved, at one point I enjoyed reading but maybe that is because the reading is not usually my preferred choice. Another obstacle is that it it is your choice whether to read or not, in fact it is just another realization that I am out in the real world and everything is based upon my choices. I find that very scary, yet also very exciting in a positive way because I can make my future what I want it to be.

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29

It's only the second week of school, actually the first full week and I'm already so stressed out from studying. I'm not sure exactly how to study but I'm learning. I think maybe I should just make study guides so that's what I'm doing. Oh my gosh, I got to eat at the nicest restaurant last night, TrueLuck's. It was so good and I had such a good time. This past Saturday I wanted to go home so bad and was trying to get my boyfriend to come meet me in Waco to eat. It didn't happen but in the long run I'm glad because I finally made some friends. I'm the kind of person who likes to have a lot of friends to hang out with and usually they are mostly guys. Though this doesn't much help my boyfriend's peace of mind. I'm not sure my roommate is that way but whatever. Anyway, well I met these really cool guys who I really like hanging out with. Sometimes I don't think Ashley likes them as much and it pisses me off because it makes me feel like she thinks I'm wrong to hang with guys because I have a boyfriend and so does she and well we're just really different. Well these guys ended up needing dates to a dinner for their fraternity so we said we'd go, I think Ashley only said yes because she had been drinking. Well I had so much fun and the guy I went with turned out to be really nice. It was great to finally go out and do something with people. I feel more at home now. Now to my boyfriend. We were best friends for 2 years before we even thought about dating. I love him so much and although I'm only 18 I pretty much believe he's the guy I'm suppose to be with when I get married. But my going away to college has been hard on both of us and in some ways harder on him. I understand that he's back home and doing the same things he's done for 3 years so he doesn't have as many things to keep his mind of missing me as I do but before we never argued and now he's always mad at me about something. He makes me feel awful when I go out and I know he doesn't mean to but it happens. He can't understand where I'm coming from. The guy I dated never cried every night and now he does and it gets depressing and makes me feel guilty. I want to have fun here without knowing that he's at home mad or crying. He's not the crying type of guy so I just don't understand. I love him more than anything and he should realize that, that is all that matters. No other guy here will ever take his place but that doesn't mean that I won't make other guy friends and go out with them. I don't even look at guys the same way because of Brent. My life here does not mean that what I feel in my heart is suddenly going to change. I just wish that he would go back to being the same Brent as before I left but I know that it is going to take time and I just need to realize this just as much as he needs to realize how bad he's making me feel. It's a compromise situation but I think everyone should have to go through this because if we're still together in the long run I know our relationship will be just that much stronger. I'm going home this weekend and I can't wait finally I can show Brent that my feelings for him are the same and I get to see my mom and sister. I have to go to my dad's and since he just moved out a few weeks ago it will be my first time to go and I'm not really looking forward to it. I want things to go back to normal with my family. The way it's suppose to be. If there is such a thing. The months before coming to college were so hard and stressful that at times I'm glad I'm here and away from all of it. At least I don't have to listen to the screaming and fighting. I wish my mom would try to fight for my dad and like lose weight or something. But she's being stupid. I miss my sister so much and my dog Tinker. My sister and I are so close we might as well be twins so I hate being away from her.

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27

Right now I am watching tv. I it kinda hard to type with these nails, I don't think I have had to type a large amount since I got them. The commercials on tv are so stupid, especially the ones for women's health. I need to get my nails filled, but I don't think I am going to spend the money on it, there are more important things that I can spend my money on. I would be nice if I had a newer computer, this one gets the job done though. I just don't know how reliable, because my sister had all kinds of stuff on it when it was hers, and as a result it on its third hard drive. Last year at the beginning of the year, my computer crashed. that wasn't too much fun, because I had all those assignments to turn in and no computer. I is amazing how you can take technology like that for granted, and how limited you feel once it isn't there anymore. Everything seems so materialistic, but I must admit that I am just as materialistic as anybody else. Where my keyboard is isn't very comfortable for typing. Got that book for my sister. That is so weird how her teacher died so suddenly right before school starts. mom said that he had a nine year old and a five year old. That must be so hard. It seems weird that now his wife will be the one teaching the class. I guess she has some kind of degree related to psychology as well. Maybe that is how she and her late husband met. Mom's birthday is on Friday. I need to get a card for her, and I need to get a card for Luis. I can't forget that when I go to the store tonight. Hopefully that won't take up too much time, because I have a lot of reading I need to do and write notes over what I read. It is frustrating, because I am always reading and doing homework, yet I constantly seem behind. I guess I have just never taken this many reading classes at once before. That sucks though, because then I will have to take several sciences at once too, and that will be just as hard. It is hard to get that balance, esp. when you are a transfer student and are trying to figure out how everything transfers. I wish I could have gotten an appointment with that advisor at the health science center sooner. you would think that they would have more than one advisor, especially since she will or has been out for at least a month. I hope that someone from Health south will call me back, if not I will call again since I just got an answering machine and had to leave a message. I would really like to start working again, especially because I need more hours. Well technically I have enough to apply for PT school, but most people have worked there for at least a year, if not more. Some of then have been there for three years. Luis and Eli had been there for a year and a half or something like that. Well Eli isn't working there, because he is starting PT school. I wonder how different the rehabilitation hospital is here compared to the one in San Antonio. I don't think waking up at 6:30 to get to work on time will be too much fun, especially now that I am in school, but I guess I just have to wait and see if they even have any open positions. I don't really like not having a job, I like the security of know I have some sort of income, even if it isn't a lot. Of course, I think school would be less stressful without a job, but I know I could handle it if I had one. Okay I am at somewhere around 15 minutes. five minutes to go. well not anymore since I typed that. Man I haven't been typing too fast, I guess that doesn't really matter. hey there is a card commercial. I should put the stuff I need from the store on a post it. I think I have some stuff written somewhere, I usually have random post its with reminders. I know I have one for the stuff I need to get at home this weekend, but I'm not sure about the store. I'll look after I am done with this. Okay what next. I wish I could type as fast what I can think. I forget half of what I am thinking by the time I write down the first thought. One minute left. I wonder what causes me to get headaches practically everyday. Maybe I should go to the doctor sometime. It could be what I eat, maybe I am allergic to something, or just not eating right. Time's up, I guess this is it.

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17

I'm dizzy. This sucks and I feel worthless. How can she do that? I probably look stupid standing here at this window. Damnit! I can't get this song outta my head wish I could play it better fucking idiots. why can't I find someone like me there goes a goober. I wish these people would stop bothering me. Fuck. L. passing by without a glance open the door, damnnit look over here again. prim and proper. outta control. close your fucking mouth. what the hell was that. empty tables, is it open? there's nothing there. come over here and talk to me. not you. yeah you take take those over there. come back. Michaelangelo, where are you? lay down here and look up at the sky. down here dark and dingy, but only to me. that sucks. why is that there? all these robots. God. nothing at all. give it up. was that good? watch where you're going. Oh my god, I feel faint. don't want to be here. That guy must be sick of it too. Probably not. Look up. Down . What the fuck. Oh crap. I don't care anymore. Why do I do that. white shoes. black pen. what are they using that cart for? knee brace. wrinkled . old . grey. pompous and big breasted. fucking lier. I hate people, especially the dumbasses. all. quit looking at my. stay away. I'm hungry. No I'm not. Shit. games. I like to play, but not observe. woh. Tralala

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What happened today. i can't believe Max killed himself I'm fine but what about Matt and Ryan What was going on in his head. I hope Matt and Ryan can deal. Horriblr thing to happen. I hope Matt stays in school. I worry about everyone too much Not enough about me. I'm glad I can be the strong one and be there for them. i wish we were all back at home. Right now home feels so far I would love to hug my mom. she is worried about me. her baby away at school. what am I doing at this school. i feel so lost. Is this where I meant to be Ineed a reason to be here. I'm not supposed to be lonely. Will I ever fall in love I hate being in this room alone. I need someone here with me. why is life so confusing? What do my feelings mean everyone has it so together. Will I? I put too much meaning in everything. Poor Max What a wasted life. He needed someone to help him. I want to be there for matt but he needs time to grieve. I can't be intrusive. I need to stop trying to fix everthing. Its all planned out already. I hope I see Brian tomorrow. He gives me something to look forward to. Hes such a nice guy. Is he interested in me? Tomorrow is a new day. Today has opened my eyes. Don't take life for granted.

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23

OK, I have writer's block. I guess I'll think of this assignment as a diary. Today was a pretty interesting day. I met a lot of people who spoke Spanish, so that made me feel more at home. This stupid bracelet is bothering me. I miss Isaac, my ex-boyfriend. I wonder if anyone's going to read this nonsense, and who ever is reading this, I feel sorry for them. I'm not that cool in my head. My room mate is gone. She is bowling. I wonder what she is doing. Maybe sitting there bored. She is always bored everywhere we go she has this face, that makes me bored. I miss my family, even though when I'm there I don't really talk to them. I guess I'm just used to them being around. I wonder if I'm prone to meningitis? Should I get the shot? Knowing my luck, if I don't get, I'll be well, to dead in 24 hours. I'm scared of needles. Damn, I'm scared of everything! Oh, crap almost erased everything I had written. Computers are not for me. What is for me? I like Psychology. The lectures are super interesting. Do I have any better word? Nah, interesting is an OK word. I feel so non-intellectual. See, that just shows my inability to express myself in words. Physically I'm very expressive. But I that's what I think. My ex probably doesn't think so. No, he does. I miss reading in U. I. L. I just realized that being in college makes you miss a lot of things. I wonder if I'm going to make it out of here? Sometimes I meet people just like me and tell myself, don't worry you're not alone, but other times people are so articulate in class it intimidates me. I set a goal for myself when I first got here and I can't do it. I'm suppose to ask at least one question per class per week. But I just can't with all those people staring at me. Once I open my mouth, they're going to realize what an idiot I am. This sounds so cliché. Other people probably wrote all these philosophical questions on their stream of consciousness, like Why are we here? Did Aristotle believe that as humans. Well, I don't write like that. I'm just a bundle of unanswered questions. Ahhh, my back's starting to hurt. I like that guy who walked me to my room. Is that all were suppose to write. OK never mind. That girl from Columbia is really nice. She reminds me of a friend from Del Rio. I hope I meet more people like her. It'll help me sleep better. I've had really bad insomnia. I could be depressed or just a freshman in UT. Maybe both. I don't get what happened to my first letter in every sentence. It disappeared into the left side. What did I push? OK 40 seconds left. I'm so glad I'm almost done with my first assignment. Is this what he wanted? I hope I did this right. Bye.

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There are mostly worries and fear traveling through my mind at the moment. The college stress has really kicked in now that classes have started and much work is to be done. The work is really bothering me in that the level of it is so high. There are many other factors in my stress including being away from home. In the whole 18 years of my life I have never been away from home without my family for this long amount of time. I guess I just miss all the little things about being at home-the comfort, luxery, friends, family, and not to exlude food! I have eaten Chinese food most of my life and I can say that the dorm food I do not find to satisfying. And the life of college is so different from my previous school experience. UT is so big and so diverse that it's kind of difficult to adjust to. Some people are friendly whiles others may not be. Failure is also a concern for me. I have always done well in school and my parents have high expectations for me to succeed here in college. I miss all my friends and always think about the past and all the good times. I guess I must start all over here and make new friends and continue all the good times. After all, college is supposes to be the best time of one's life. I also think about what I will end up after college-where I'll work and who I will hang out with and if I will graduate here in Austin. My past two weeks here in Austin have been decent. I have been doing many different things like shooting pool or just hanging out with friends or going clubbin in 6th ST. Also I have been busy I might add. The people I have met are very similar to me personality wise. And most of them are from my home town of Houston. I have noticed that there are many different groups of poeple here. I guess the homework load is as much as I expected before I started coollege but there are so many activites to attend to that I find it hard to complete all the work. That is when stress kicks in again and I end up just trying to rush through it. The class sizes are amazing larger than I expected them to be although I knew that UT is the largest school int he nation population wise. I fear that I will not perform as well in school due to all the distractions that goes on like friends wanting to go out and the many places to go to like 6th ST for example. I guess I will adjust to this environment eventually but when I will I am not sure. Rest has also been an issue in my mind as I have trouble sleeping at night when I have early classes the next morning. I am very tired the next day having to walk so much during each school day. But the next night I will find it hard to sleep again. I hope that ends very soon also.

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29

The past week I have honestly felt the most incredible feeling of being overwhelmed. I am so frustrated and annoyed by everyone around me and everything that they do. I so badly want to step forward and correct everything that these people are doing wrong but for some reason I keep holding myself back. This frustration only makes my head hurt and keeps me angry at the world. My presence then becomes quite rude and unfriendly. I'm not quite sure what to do about this little problem. I really don't think that it's me. My suitemate is about to push me over the edge. She never picks up after herself, never helps clean the dorm room, never buys and groceries (even though she finds its all right to consume mass quantities of the food that me and my two other roomates buy), and she basically is worthless around the room. For example, the other day she mentioned that we needed paper towels and bottled water. On most circumstances that wouldnt bother me, however, she makes these claims but at the same time takes no initiative to fix them. She just assumes that me or my roomates will take care of the missing items in the room. She is from Beverly Hills. Im under that impression that she had someone to pick up after her and do everything for her when she lived there. Typical if you ask me. I just can't handle her behavior or her attitude anymore. On top of that, I am homesick. I miss my friends. I miss being with Richie. He'll call me once and a while. Usually he'll call me non stop for a straight week, and then I won't hear from him for quite a while. I get so anxious to hear from him, but he acts like he could care less if he talked to me. That makes me so mad. My roomate aka my best friend since middle school chastises me everytime i talk to him. It just makes me so upset that she thinks that he doesnt care about me in the least. Sure, he may not show the normal feelings that most people show towards the ones that they care about, but I know that he cares about me. If he didnt care, he wouldnt bother calling me. Its honestly one of the worst feelings knowing that your best friend in the world is sitting there making fun of you and getting annoyed by the fact that you are in a complete state of happiness when you talk to the one person you care about. It really makes me wonder why she is the one person I confide in the most. Speaking of her, she is in this relationship with a boy whom I adore as a friend. He is so much fun to be around, but he is here all the time. I turn around and he is always there. I never get to sleep in my own room, I am constantly forgotten about or simply not included in activities that she would normally include me in, and to top it all off, the relationship is not even healthy. I find it ironic that she gets mad at me when I talk to Richie, and feels that she can make whatever assumptions or claims about my relationship with him, but when I make the smallest remark about her and her boyfriend, she flips out. It doesn't seem all that fair to me. But then again, what is fair? Is it fair that I want to be with someone that I can't have anymore? No its not fair, but thats the way that it will be. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get a break; If maybe one day I'll get lucky and things will turn out the way I wanted them to, or if maybe Richie will wake up one day and decide that he wants to be with me and not with the girl he is with right now. Sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my mom will ever improve. She and I couldn't possibly be more different than we are. I can't even believe that I am her child sometimes. She acts so much like a child. If she doesn't get her way she mopes and she has to put me down to make herself feel better. She denies having made my sister depressed throughout her late childhood and early adultood. I think that its the subtle remarks about my figure, my study habits, my relationships that make me so mad at her. I want to tell her how I feel but she will retaliate and take something away from me that I need. She always used to do that in high school. If I told her what was on my mind, she would take away my car, or my privileges to stay out late. I can never win. Its either give up my priviliges or keep my mouth shut. It is a lose lose situation. I just miss Richie so much. That could be the root of all my unhappiness. My mom, and suitemate could all just be elements of my sadness due to my distance away from him. He called me today. Ironically I was lying in bed thinking about him, when the phone rang. It felt so good to see his name on my cell phone when i looked at it.

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When is this college life going to get any better. I have been promised a vehicle by my father after i get my license, maybe things will get better. I always thought that college was lots of crazy teenagers doing what they do best, going to partys. Sixth street was fun last saturday, maybe i'll do that again. But i miss the summer where going out and having fun was no big deal. In Europe drinking is part of the lifestyle, no matter what age you are. Every summer since I was 15 i would go out. And even living in New Jersey last year, I would make it to New York on saturdays and they didn't care in the City. Here things are strict, really strict. Not only do i want to go back to Europe, i also miss my family. I hated Jersey last year and couldn'twait to come here and now i'm leaving next friday to go visit my brothers in the Northeast. Its all a big mess. I really don't know what to think. Maybe when I pick up the Audi next week my life will become a lot easier. Atleast I will have a car to get around in. The only good thing in my life right now in Austin ids the fact that my roommate is one of my best friends from high school. We chill all the time and thats makes things easier. This is all I think about these days. New Jersey, my family, my classes, and now my new car. That dps booklet for studying the texas road rules is long and tedious. I don't think i'll ever pass with those crazy questions. It really isn't that hard. I need to stop intimidating myself because its not that hard. Maybe when i get my car i can drive to caly where Guy lives and chill with him. Its been a year since i have seen that bastard. that would be cool since i love the Audi A4. The interior is amazing and the car drives really nice. jUst the leather makes it comfortable to sit in and the stereo system is unbeleavable. The only thing in my way is that stupid driving license. When i get my actual picture i. d. and some insurance i'll be chillin. Maybe I could drive to miami during thanksgiving instead of caly. There i could visit Murphy and go to south beach everynight, where they also don't care if your under 21. The Beach was amazing last year. when we used to fly down from jersey into Miami we used to have the time of our life. Things will get better soon, i hope.

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30

Well, here I go, writing for 20 minutes. This really feels weird, but I guess I have to do it. Actually I am glad I am doing this assignment because I dreaded doing it and now I can get it over with. It's just that 20 minutes seems like such a long time to sit here and write about nothing. I just don't know what to do and I feel very uncomfortable. Hmmm. Princess Diana died early this morning. I have felt so sad. When I first heard of her car accident last night I tried to pray for her, but I felt as she would not want to live but rather die. I have been reading and studying about near-death experiences and most people studied/interviewed have said that they usually do not want to come "back" after being pronounced dead. Anyway, I think she is in a better place, hopefully there will be no media hounding her wherever she is at now. The ceiling fan in this room bothers me when it is on high. Sometimes I'd rather be hot than have to hear the loud roaring noise. My dogs just came upstairs. I wonder what they are thinking about? Do they think like we do? What could be going through their minds? I know I am supposed to write without worrying about grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. , but I do, and I try to correct everything as I go. I keep looking at the clock and time is going very slow. I notice we have two clocks now on the desk. One is new, a prize or rather a gift for purchasing something. This room has so many things in it. I wish it was a bigger room. I like spacious things, I hate to feel crowded. I seem to be complaining so much right now, I guess I am tired and a little sleepy, and get grumpy. Why do we have some many things! So many papers, junk, wiries, toys things, things, things! Do we need all these things? Can we live without all this things? Yes, we can! Thank God! I can't stop writing but I would like to. Oh well. I just thought about a bakery, H. E. B. bakery to be exact. I keep craving sweets, so maybe that is why. I saw a white cake with pink frosting. My sister also came to mind. Hmmm, this is interesting because she is a professional baker and creates luscious deserts! It is so dark outside, I hate having the windows closed, I like to hear the outdoors. I love the outdoors. Oh God 3 more minutes of this. I just feel like my mind is completely empty right now. I wonder if this happens when one is really tired? I feel very old today. I like this computer, I guess I am pretty lucky to own one. I'm sorry I have been so negative, but this is how I feel right now. However, my time is up , hip hip hooray! Bye!

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9

She kind of put me in a depressed mood for the passed few days because she started telling me that she often writes her dad in trying to make her feel better, and it does, It kind of put things into perspective for me because I wouldn't know what I would do in her situation. well now that I am back in Austin I try to work hard and try to get thing s like this off my mind. not that I necessarily want to because that would be bad. well now the people I am with right now are bothered because I am using their computer and I don't want them to see what I am typing, I usually feel this way with anything I do, I don't like any one seeing or reading g anything that I write, do, or accomplish the time isn't really going by to fast right now . I have so much in my head put can't think about it right now. I am a strange strange person. everyone always tells me that because I always hold back my thought and when I want to let them out my mind draws to a blank. it gets me frustrated, good thing that I work out to work off my frustration. the life is tough, that is what my dad always says, and it is. I don't know how he made it here and have 5 kids have successful lives. my parents have done a good job, they really have. but know in trying to give so much more than they had it's hurting them financially and I feel that me going off to college is putting an even bigger debt in their pocket book. But they tell me not to worry about so I tell them not to worry about me, I also tell them that if anyone is going to go in debt it's going to be me. let me pull out the loan s in my name let me do all that I will be able to take care of it in the long run. right now I'm just tired of being a burden I know what I have to do and I am going to do it. I have done this type of assignment before, I once turned it in as a paper, and my teacher loved it, it was more in the structure of a poem, it ended being about 20 pages long and my teacher said it was outstanding, and nobody even believed me when I said that I was going to turn in that abstract paper and they didn't believe me when I told them that the teacher actually liked it. and that is 20 minutes.

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15

Today is Labor Day. This weekend I went to my family reunion in Noccona, TX. My cousin, Tracey, is recently engaged. I am extremely happy for her, but at the same time, I am a little bit jealous. I know I am not actually ready for marriage, but it seems so exciting to me. My brother has been married a little more than four years. When he first married, I did not think too much about it. Now, it makes me just a little envious that he has someone to be with all the time. My parents have been married 31 years! I cannot believe it. In today's world where divorce is a commonplace, I am proud of my parents for sticking together. My parents, about four years ago, agreed to let me have a Yorkie. Her name is Brittnay, and I love her with all of my heart. I was able to see her this weekend, which was so nice. I think I miss her more than anyone else, probably because I get to talk to other people on the phone. Brittnay is the sweetest little princess, and I cannot wait until I see her again. College life is so much different than high school. I t is funny how one grade level (from a senior in high school to a freshman is college) can make such a difference. I really do not feel older. For some reason, I always feel young. When I think about all the petty gossipy things I worried about in high school, it makes me laugh. Once people enter college they change so much. For instance, I have a friend that used to treat girls really badly, but now he is a sincere and honest guy. However, some people change for the worst, which is very unfortunate. I am really concerned about my grades. I really do not know what to expect, as far as exams go; therefore, it is hard to know what to focus on. I want to be a child psychologist. Psychology has always interested me, but the past year, it really has made an impact on me. I love children, and I also love helping people. I figured child psychology was a good way to put the two together. When I become a mom, I want to have a private practice and only work in the mornings. This way, I can spend lots of time with my own children. I also want to make fancy dinners for my husband every night. If I worked all day, I do not think I would have time. This summer I started cooking, and I found that it is quite enjoyable. It is such a good feeling to work hard making something and then share it with others. I would like to take cooking classes sometime during my college years. I also need to find a job. I did not realize how much money college consumes. I feel bad asking my parents for money. Plus, I worked at The Pottery, a local shop in Midland, for a little more than a year, so I am not used to needing money from my parents. My mom and my dad taught me how to manage my monwy. I love my parents/family very dearly. They are the sweetest, kindest, most caring people that I have ever known. My family is also very generous. I just hope that I will turn out to be the kind of people they are.

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31

Presently my thought are on my sororities 75th Anniversary this weekend. So far I have not ben able to find a place to get my hair done; which is a problem because I have very long hair. The guy that I am going with is pretty cool. We met about a week and a half ago and things are going well. Since, I have no family coming in for parents weekend I am probably going to ask him to the game but I am not sure. I mean I enjoy his company and all but the shortness of time that I have known him and that is not for 3 weeks. I don't know what to do about it but I have to ask before midnight because I need his ID so that he can be in my sororoties block at the game. Being new around here and not knowing many people is a problem when you need dates for all kinds of things. It is hard to go up and ask a guy to something who you have only talked to once or none. It's difficult being from out of state. It seems like everyone else knows everyone else. I knowe that this is not true but that is how it seems. Getting used to the whole college thing is different. I do have my sister around so that is nice but I have not lived near her for four years so in a way it is kind of strange as well. I had a bought of homesickness last week. I tried to call my best friend to hear a friendly voice but she was not home. My other best friend was there and I talked to her, well woke her up and said hi-bye kind of thing. The net was my only way to talk to them then without disturbing anyone else because my third best freind has not left for college yet. I wrote her a long letter via email and poured my heart out. With just meeting people it is kind of hard to cry on someones shoulder . I don't know I just don't like to cry in front of poeple who I do not know. don't want them to know that I have a weakness. To everyone else I like to come off as a very stronge and together person who can handle any situation. Plus, the people hear do not know me well at all and for me to start spewing off all of my problems or thoughts might put a burden on someone else or drive them away. It takes a lot for me to be able to trust someone with my feeling. My car, my clothes, anything else but not my soul. Living with another person who I had never met before was an experience unto itself. The first morning at 6:30am her boyfreind was over and stayed the entire weekend. I am glad that she is enjoying her freedom away form home but not in my room when I barely knew her. I don't like having to stay in friends rooms my first weekend at school. It just was not cool because I had just met all of them, tooo. Just a bad situation all together. I just do not like being put in that situation. I won't do it to her. If I want to hang with one of my guy friends to al hoursa of the morning I go to his place or in the lounge or something. That is just not write. Typing non-stop like this is kind of difficult. I never took tying so I am constantly looking at the keys and thinking that I am running out of things to say with much time left. Funny how your mind sort of goes blank when asked to talk about such a loose subject as your thoughts. Not too much longer. I am most of the way there. Lack of thoughts here. It is interesting to move away and to think about how different things would be if so and so did not choose this school. The girl who I have found that I have connected is from out of state too. If I didn't have her I do not know what I would do. We did not get into the same sororities but that is cool because now instaed of gluing to eachother we are meeting many other poeople. It's definitely different here than in Louisisana. The manner that peopel have and the culture and such. I am so excited that for one of my theatre classes I get to go see the play Vieaux Carre which I am believing is based in New Olreans although I have never heard of it before. I know A Street Car Named Desire but not that one. I just do not know.

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29

Right now, I am trying to figure out how I can sign up to volunteer at the Metz Elementary reading program because I cannot get in touch with the coordinator. Anyway, I think that something must have happened to her because she has not responded to me. Now I am wooried about where I am going to volunteer and get my hours by the due date. I am watching TV and thinking about the studying that I have to do for my classes. I am trying to find a way to feel involved in this university and make my mom think that I am doing okay so that she will not worry. I am worried about my mom, sisters, and brother because I miss them terribly. I do not want to wish away the time that I have here but I think that I am feeling like there is nothing familiar around me that I can recognize. I feel a lot more calm these days, and I think that since the long session has started I feel a lot more useful and busy. Mostly, I am worried about making good friends because I feel like the friends that I left are still my real friends and that I am on some sort of vacation. I want to have a good future at this University with good classes and good friends but I think that I am doubting my ability to succeed. I wish that I could bring the people that I care about around me every once and a while because I did not realize that they were part of the strength that I had to live my life. I think about my grandmothers a lot lately, what they would have said about me being in college, and how they would have wanted me to enjoy myself and not to worry. I think that I am in a constant state of speeding up and slowing down because I do not want to get too excited about something because I may become dissapointed or upset. I think about potential disasters that could occur in my life and am always second guessing the decisions that I make. How can I be the best person that I can be without scaring myself into anxiety. I wonder about all of my friends, and what they feel like, and how they are doing and if they feel the same way. I worry that I will not feel as secure as I did at home in this big place, but I know that if I just give it time, I will feel like I belong. I am constantly aware that God is in control of my life and that I need to learn what God is trying to teach me and lean not on my own understanding of my life. I worry that I sleep to much, but I do not feel tired in the daytime, however I guess that it is necessary to get enough rest. Mostly, I feel void of emotion because I miss my mom so much. I do not feel that I took her for granted when I lived in her house but I miss seeing her persistance, and love and support. I am learning to be my own support. I wonder if she is as lonely without me as I am without her. It was a comfort to be in the house with her at the end because she was feeling much calmer and in control of ther life. I am excited to be here, and I want to count the blessings that I have because of the many people that want to be here. I want to learn to depend on myself, and not feel like the things that I want are not right for me because I am trying to learn that what I want is right for myself. Oftem throughout the day I doubt the things that I do or the feeings that I have,

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23

Stream Of Consciousness As I sit behind this bleak, gray screen, I find myself wanting to yank my dirty blonde locks of hair right out of their follicles. Sure, so far college has been a lot of fun. Why doesn't this program allow me to scroll down to the next line without pushing "enter"? Am I supposed to keep on typing without pushing "enter" until I hit some kind of barrier and can't type anymore? Well, I'm going to operate on the assumption that I should make my own right margin. Back to being completely stressed, I have so many things that I have to do right now, that is, before tomorrow. So, why the heck am I doing this assignment when I have until the 12th to turn it in? I guess that's my nature. I tend to want to do the "fun" things first. If my mother could see me now, she would freak. I wonder what would happen if I got my upper ear pierced? I bet my mom would kill me. She nearly freaked out when I had my belly button pierced. I feel extremely guilty for having done that behind her back, but I feel even more guilty for upsetting her and ruining my innocence in her eyes. My roommate wants me to pierce her ear for her. I honestly don't think that I am capable of inflicting that kind of pain on another individual. Sure, I can pierce my own bellybutton, but when I see another person in pain, I feel twice as bad as they most likely do. Oh well, I'll just give Tracy the money to go have it professionally done. This pushing "enter" is really beginning to frustrate me. I keep typing way over the right limit and having to erase and go back and re-type what I already typed. I think I need a computer. I hate having to work and concentrate amongst all the hundreds of other people here at the SMF (the Smurf. I smile everytime I hear that). I wanted to buy a computer, and I do have the money since I sold my motorcycle, not by my own choice, but by my mothers. I realize that was a run-on sentence, but I'm not about to go back and fix it. I wonder if anyone is actually going to read this or not. I'm just glad that I haven't had any demented thoughts since I have started typing. Not that I have those often, but we all have certain weird thoughts that we really don't care to admit having. At least, I hope so. I bet whoever reads this is going to think that I'm a bad person. I'm really not. I like to think of myself as daring and thrill seeking. My mother likes to think of me as unconventional and improper and borderline ignorant. So, here I am at UT to prove her wrong. I've taken a step in the right direction by joining a sorority. I think that should be fun as long as I can stay on the good side of the girls in the sorority. It has been my experience that after anyone has known me for a long enough period of time, they grow tired of my companionship and toss me aside like yesterday's trash. This is one of the most confusing and hurtful things in my life. I don't understand it. I think I'm the nicest person that I know. I'm always willing to do things for others to make them happy. I'm a great listener, and I put everything I've got into everything that I do (friendships especially). I've been told that things will change and that things will get better in college. So far, I've found that to be very true. I've met so many wonderful people that I can't wait to know better, but the first 18 years of my life has me trained to wonder how long it will be before they drop me. Oh well. my twenty minutes is almost over with and I have successfully typed myself into a foul mood. I really hope no one reads this. I'm going to leave the Smurf, go back to Castilian and enjoy being with my new friends while they still like me!

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30

It's hard to believe that my first year of college has begun. It's almost like I am at summer camp for a week, and I will be returning home in a week. However, that is just a false reality in my head. It's hard for me to grasp everything. It seemed to happen so fast. I left behind my family, my friends, my cheerleading squad, my town. Everything that is familiar has been traded in for a world of experience and confusion. What time is my next class? Where IS my next class? Where is everyone going tonight? It's mass confusion in my head. I want to be successful at college: academically, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I have already begun a steady workout and eating habits that make me feel good about my self, and so far I have enjoyed all of my classes. However, there's still that little thought in the back of my head that I am not getting everything done. I feel like there's this list of things to do ALL THE TIME and no matter what I do, I will never get them done. I have to admit, my first week of college was completely awful. I hated every moment of it. I cried everyday, called my mom, acted like a real baby. It was as if there was this strike against me that made sure NOTHING went my way. But as I have gotten used to the schedule and made a few new friends things seem to be looking up. I still feel like I don't fit in. This miniature "society" at the University of Texas is like a town within itself, and all of the citizens in this "town" seem so superficial. I don't feel like I have met anyone with one natural thought in his or her head. I can't believe how strange it is. It's as if the whole campus is full of sorority girls and fraternity guys. (No offense, it's just not me) I want to feel like a part of things but for the life of me I can't get in "the loop. " I make a few friends here and there, but as far as personalities, I feel like I am too real for everyone I have met. I am hoping that by next semester I will begin to make this dorm room my home and the people around me my family. It's not so much that I am homesick as it that I just miss fitting in. Back in High School there were no worries. Everything was laid out for you; only a few minor decisions to be made. I fit in so well. I knew my way around, I knew what was going on at all times; it was like a utopia in my little town of Sugar Land, TX. The only problem with the whole "high school thing" is that I was definitely a stereotype. (Another superficial moment in my life) I was a cheerleader all through High School. People at my school assumed I was a snobby, selfish girl who only thought the world of myself as well as my other cheerleader friends. They never even got the chance to know me. I can say right off- I am far from snobby. I love everyone and everything in this world. I am out to harm no one, except my self emotionally every once in a while! Why do teenagers feel the need to be so judgmental of each other? Why is it that I can't drive my Mustang Convertible in my cheerleading uniform without feeling like I am straight out of a "Saved By The Bell" episode? I am thinking that over time, an image has been created in everyone's mind on how things should be, and how people should look. Who is to say who and what we are? Why do I feel like I am always answering to someone? I can't make a decision without someone LOVING IT and someone else HATING IT. I hate the fact that the media has pounded into our brains what and who we should be. This is real life people. When you are doled out your genes-physical and personality-you don't get a choice. Some people honestly can't help the way they are. So why do we take the time to stop and make them feel even worse about their insecurities? I think the answer is within our OWN insecurities. It's sick that people feel better about themselves after putting someone else down. If a girl thinks she has ugly hair, she may announce that "that girl over there" has a horrible sense of fashion. Does that take away from the fact that she has ugly hair? I don't think so! So why has it become so necessary to step on whomever it takes to make you look better? My mind is full of these questions. I just know that as long as I am here, I plan to stay the real, down to earth girl that I am, as to not become a victim of my own insecurities.

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well. how do I start? I suppose I'll just start by saying that I am very tired of school I don't even know why so soon I mean my classes aren't all that bad yet but I'm tired of waking up so early to catch the crowded bus and always having to walk everywhere in the heat one thing I am excited about is my boyfriend coming down in less than 9 days to visit me. he's from texas tech and I miss him so much the only bad thing is that I think that I'm hiding myself from the world because I feel safe enough with him that I block out the rest of the world and therefore I am not quite as social as I should be. but I'm really worried that I'm going to lose him and then where will I be? who will I have? oh well can't think of that right now. I'll enjoy my life with him for now long distance relationships are very hard. I don't quite know what will happen but I do know that he is very special to me and every guy I go out with in the future will be compared to him enough about the mushy stuff I'm living with my sister up here its really convenient she takes care of me and we don't really fight a lot she's sick right now I don't know what to do except for buy her medicine I'm a bad nurse oh wells I can't believe we have been in school for bout 2 weeks now. it feels like 2 months everything is moving by so slow I miss Dallas I can't wait to go back and visit my family and friends ill be going back in bout 2 weeks or so I hate it that I'm easily distracted when I start on my homework the tv usually gets to me because we have cable and so some really good movie will be on and ill sit there and watch it instead of working on my homework. that's really starting to become a habit and the thing is when the show is finally over and I start on my homework its already 12 and I'm pooped I need better study habits I'm currently a biology major. I don't even think that's what I'm going to follow through here I don't go out partying like most college students I think I should take advantage of my college years here but I really don't like the whole clubbing experience I'm full and I feel like vomiting. I think I ate too many chicken wings. oh wells I hate the computer I'm on the internet connection is really slow and I hate tying on a laptop computer. I'm use to the normal ones I still have a lot of reading to do I have to finish reading in this class and in biology. I hope I don't bomb any of my classes my parents expect me not to since my sister is here and will show me the ropes. do you know how much pressure that is? I feel as if I never seem to make my parents proud enough it comes with the territory. being the middle child is really hard anyways. I miss chili our chinchilla ill get to keep him for about 3 weeks so I'm really excited our apartment is so messy we live like boys I'm getting really tired already. I think ill be up late yet again tonight ill shower tomorrow morning I've dyed my hair 5 times and yet it wont give me the color I want I'm so frustrated I'm frustrated with life with school with love everything when I took the pretesting thing I felt so depressed. everything I was answering about myself was so negative. in some way and so I felt really bad once I was done. that reminds me I have to go check out that bulletin board to check out some experiments I could to do obtain my 5 hours actually now 3 1/2 which is great. I hope they don't make me do anything really weird I'm kind of hesitant to do that stuff oh wells I haven't been out a lot since I've been here in Austin I'm kind of homesick. I miss the simple life I lead when I was in Dallas everything has changed things are not so simple anymore I fell as though I'm not as happy here I don't know why though. don't worry. I'm not suicidal or anything I just wish I knew what was bugging me I think. actually I hope things will be fine soon this year is moving by so slow. and its so hard making friends I have at least one friend in each class except for chemistry that really bad because you should really have a study partner in that class I think ill have to make friends in there soon I feel stress stress from the world everything I hate it I get stressed easily sleep is overcoming me. I have to stay awake. I'm already behind in my readings can't get even more behind. I need a major massage my shoulders are so tense. my whole body is tense I like these kinds of writing assignments because it helps release some of my emotions hidden inside some stress has lifted but there's still a lot there well. my time has ended. its been 20 minutes 20 minutes that have flown by ill end it on this note. I need some sleep. I'm going to sleep goodbye.

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25

I am sitting in my dorm room right now, trying to think of something to write about. Although the instructions recommend that we don't do any thinking first, I'm still going to think as I write this intro. You see, it's my birthday today, and so I could write about that, but really that's kind of boring. I'm taking a girl I like to a party tonight - I guess that might be more interesting. Or maybe I should just talk about how my parents really piss me off. Since about the third month of my senior year, we've actually gotten along much better. But before that, damn, it was a war zone in our house. They would bitch about anything, seriously. I mean, I had great testing scores, brought home good grades, didn't get in much trouble, and they still treated me like dirt. My friend Jackson once told me I should get in a lot of trouble. Then, although it would suck for a while because they were mad at me, in the future they would appreciate my good behavior. For some reason I never got the courage up to do this and continued to try and hide any activities that they would approve of. But, he was right. When they received a call from the police during my junior year, it paved the way for me to ameliorate our relationship throughout my senior year. Okay, new topic. When I was over at my friend Alex's house one day, this kid pulls out Alex's . 22 rifle. I'm like, Dude, don't point that at me, turn it away. He listens, and he starts pointing it at Alex. Alex is pretty quiet most of the time, so he didn't say much. This kid is pointing the rifle at Alex, making shooting noises, while Alex is playing a Nintendo game. For some reason, I had a really bad feeling. This was not a toy - it was a gun. POP! All of a sudden it went off. The thing was, the kid was at such close range, Alex couldn't even feel the blast. I had to tell him he was spurting blood out the side of his head. I ran to call the ambulance, and I think this other dude went to look for bandages and stuff. Anyway, because of that and one other incident that was even more frightening (but too complex to describe here), I've never liked guns. My phone's ringing right now, but I'm not going to pick it up since I'm doing this assignment. You know, I bet it's someone calling to wish me a happy birthday. That's so boring. I like the idea of randomly exchanging gifts with people you care about because it means more if you're not expecting it. Looking at the timer, it's about time to wrap things up. I'm not going to take the time to edit this, since it was a stream of consciousness. But thanks for listening and I'll catch you on the flip side.

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11

It is 12:51 and I would really like to go to sleep right now. I think I would feel better if I could just take my eyes out of my head. It's cold in here. My finger itches and I don't know why. It won't stop and its affecting my writing. I hope I used the right form of ?affect? in that last sentence. I hope I don't have any spelling errors either. I have so many things to study and I'm trying to figure out when I can do it all. There's a really cool show on the TV that's on about mummies. It's very interesting. I think I missed Tom and Jerry on the Cartoon Network today. My finger stopped itching. Now my arm itches (and I'm not making this up just to copy the example in class), it really does itch. I need to pay some bills later. I just want to go to sleep right now. I hope I will go to sleep tonight because I couldn't last night. My arm stopped itching. I don't know what else to write and I've still got 10 minutes left. Boy, this is taking a long time. Now the TV is on some stupid show and I would change it but I have to keep typing. I think I'll take a nap after this so I don't fall asleep in class. That Philly Cheesesteak I had for lunch was really good. I'll need to drink so more water before I go back out in the heat or I'll collapse. This humidity kills me. Walking around campus is very good exercise though. I need to remember to take my calculator to math Friday. Well, that's almost 5 more minutes. I mean, it's not a bad writing assignment, its just feels so monotonous. I had to pop my fingers a second. I probably should call my cousin who lives in Austin, but I really don't want her to be over here all the time least she find out where I live. That reminds me, I need to go switch my meal card later and check my voice mail. 2 minutes to go. I hope you don't think I'm crazy by reading this but you probably do so, oh well. 1 more minute. 1 more minute ten I can take a nap. Almost there. 15 seconds. THE END

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31

It is 11:30 in the morning. I had a nine o'clock class and I should still be asleep. Naureen should be home soon, I have to remember to tell her that the bank called. I don't think anyone should call before noon. I need to find something to wear tonight I wander if Naureen has anything I could borrow. I can't believe I'm still hungry I have been eating so much. I guess this is how people get their freshman fifteen. I wonder why housekeeping is here on Monday. I think that it would be better if they came on Monday every week. I don't really like getting up on the days I have a late class. I wish I knew what was wrong with my computer. I also wish I could fix it by myself. I wonder if Marty is going to call. I hope he had a good Birthday. Twentytwo sounds so far away but it seems like yesterday he was eighteen. I need to do other homework so bad and I need to make my bed and clean up the closet. I'm so glad I got a clean room mate. I don't think I could have lived with another slob. I wonder how Meagan is doing I should call her and ask if she misses having her own personal maid. 11:40 ten minutes to go. I'm so tired today. If Sten and Tavis come over tonight I'm never going to sleep. I guess sleep isn't that important. I need to talk to mom I wonder if she is still going to San Antonio? I want to see grandma an Aunt Sylvia but I don't know if I can handle a weekend with mom. I guess I can try to get along with her. I hope we go shopping I really need some winter clothes or I going to shiver my butt off all winter. It is cold in here right now but there is nothing I can do about it. The thing is already turned up as far as it will go I don't think it works. I think they only put the thermostat in each room so you think you have control because it is always cold. If the phone rings one more time I'm going to freak. My phone I so loud you can hear it all the way down the hall. It scares me every time it rings. Halloween will be here soon That and New years are the best holidays. I'm going to have to find a costume. Ok its been twenty minutes I'm going to sleep this was interesting and I don't feel like I wrote enough but these were my thoughts.

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30

it has been raining for the past 4 days and I guess that has a lot to do with everyone's attitudes. I feel a little relieved and tired though I had my first test of the semester this morning. I feel tired because I spent the majority part of the weekend partying rather then studying like I should have. now I was forced to cram study this morning just because of my laziness and inability to control my desires to go out with my friends. I should recover with a good nights sleep tonight. I called my father today. I'm trying to get on his good side now because he has been very disappointed in me. for some reason I seem to keep getting myself in situations that are to his beliefs not appropriate. the bad part about it is that I know that I am doing wrong but I still continue to do other things that make feel that he has failed as a parent. I guess he think is that if I am not perfect then he has failed as a parent. I'm trying to get it to him that I still have a lot of things going for me. I guess as a parent you want what's best for your child. so any little flaw on my part makes him feel that he did not do a good job raising me. I feel totally different though. I believe that I have thee best parents in the world because they have provided me with al the possible things to help me better myself in every way possible. in other matters work is going pretty well I will probably be getting a raise soon. my performance has been really well so maybe it will be a substantial raise

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22

Here it goes. 20 minutes seems like a long time but I don't have to think really. Wait, that is the whole purpose. Think, Think, Think. The game my roommate plays all the time distracts me from studying but I would never say anything. Just let it be, let it be, whisper words of wisdom, let it be. Well, I see the football schedule on my desk and it reminds me that a girl from home may be coming up this weekend. Hopefully I can get her a ticket to the game. Maybe I will make a sign and put it by the elevator that say that I will buy a ticket for, lets say, $10. I think that should work. Ever since I came here I have been having trouble keeping the stupid elastic sheet on the mattress. It always comes off. It really annoyed me, I mean really annoying. So, when I went home this weekend I bought these straps that hold the sheet to the mattress. I have installed them and could not be more pleased. I have beat the mattress! Victory is mine! Its interesting that I can see all of my class buildings from my dorm room window. Pretty decent view. Tonight, I worry that I am too behind in my classes. Yet, I can't imagine that everyone in the class is. I mean, I do a pretty decent amount of work. I bet I am about equal with most students. The part that has me worried is that all of my professors say that most people make Cs in there class. That is just not acceptable. I have to go graduate school. How hard is it to go to graduate school? I really don't know. I can't be that hard. Or is it? 11 more minutes what to talk about. My suitemate just started the shower. I can hear the water running. I also hear the gun shots from that game my roommate always plays. Pow, Pow, Pow. That must be fun. I, however, am trapped in this writing screen. Write, Write, Write. Like a machine. Now I hear jazz music. I've never really met anyone who like jazz music. This kind of reminds me of Catcher in the Rye. Maybe Holden Caulfield was just a steam of consciousness. I wish I had a hunters cap to put on. Maybe I could go to the pond and see if the damn ducks were still there. Where do they go in the winter, anyway? Does someone come in a van and take them away to a zoo or something. Or do they just fly away, fly away. Ah! I've received an instant message. I can't read it yet. Must type, type, type. 6 minutes left, almost there. Nope, that is still a long time. I just noticed my rubik's cube. One side is completed, the others? You guessed it, INCOMPLETE. Maybe one day I will finish it. Ok, now my hands are beginning to tire. 4 and a half minutes left. Just keep typing. My neck hurts too. This is making me sleepy. I really want to go to sleep after this. Ah, that would be nice. BUT NO, I have to read. Lots of reading actually. In fact, psychology, 1 chapter. Pow, Pow, Pow. He says, Missed the head. " What does that mean? Head makes me think of beer. That lager has a good, hearty head. Nice, only 1 and a half minutes left. I'm really looking forward to this being over. I guess there are harder things I could do for a grade. Like, I can't think of anything. I thoughts a clogging because I keep looking at the clock. Oh wow, here we go, and I am done!

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21

I try to overcome all the pessimistic thoughts that I or anyone else could possibly have and look at all the bright spots in my life. Today I had a very rough day with my classes. Waking up at seven in the morning for a class at eight and not finishing class till five is not my idea of fun. I do feel very exhausted, but I know things could be worse. There are so many people around me who are going through much more than I am and I'm grateful that I'm fortunate enough to have what I have and be where I am right now. Sure, I may be exhausted right now but I feel better than ever because I know that life is full of fun and I can't look away from the optimistic side of life for one second. Doing that would lead me to miss all the fun life has in store for me. So I feel very excited now, although very very tired, because I know that I have my whole life in front of me to look forward to. I try to keep my thoughts and feelings on the up side no matter how bad times are because it is not good to think negatively when you are in a good mood, let alone in a very bad mood. Thus I feel great just as usual!!

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4

My name is John Davis but I go by Richard Davis. I don't know if you care but your class is really interesting. That is not me kissing butt. I don't kiss butt. Thats gross. My life consists of my JEEP, beer, and women. My girlfriend is sitting right behind me watching everything I type so of course I can't be honest with you. J/K My jeep requires a lot of my time because I am always upgrading it. New suspension, new tires, new axels, new transmission, new engine. All better than before and better than anything else. My jeep is my security. Not that I am self consious or anything, in fact I am very cocky, but without my jeep I am not comfortable meeting new people. I want my first impression to show the amount of work and dedication I have towards my Jeep. It's my baby. Beer helps me get through the times when my jeep is frustrating me. It calms me down and allows me to think more fuzzy. I like that!!! I like chicks a lot. Without chicks I don't know if I would want to work on my jeep. Although I would have a lot more time to work on it. I want to be sucessful when I age, and not real worried about not reaching that goal, just because I know that I want it so bad that I can get it. But, I'm having a hard time thinking about my future because my life is so full in the present. I spend all my money on my jeep and all my time on chicks. But if I didnt have those I wouldnt care about my future. Whether people think those are the wrong priorities or not, its going to make me reach my goal. Which is the American dream. To live a happy life, and thats all that matters to me. P. s. I do like to take the easy way to that American dream.

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4

I am constantly thinking about the past. I often think about the good things that have occurred in my highschool years. I feel really sad because I miss my family so bad. I am always thinking about how I never get in trouble anymore because my parents aren't here to get mad at me whenever I come home late. I feel so lonely here. nobody knows anybody. Everywhere I turn I see different faces that I probably wont ever see again this semester. I feel so depressed because my boyfriend is gone. I am always dreaming about being together again, but its not going to happen ever because we just broke up. I miss him so bad and I can't ever be with him anymore just because I have too much darn pride. I wish I didn't have so much pride. PRIDE gets me nowhere all it does is leave you wondering What could have been? or where would I be standing now with him had I not been so proud. I am so sad, but then again I would rather have alot of pride than no pride at all. I wonder what I’m going to do with my life. Everybody seems to know exactly what they are good at. I don't!! I'm totally lost I don't know what I’m the best at. How are you supposed to know what career is the best one to choose. I want to do good in school but people don't work to the best of their ability unless they have certain goals. I'm not determined. I don't know if I will be successful dancing ballet or operating on some dying person. I'm too confused. I'm happy I have my brother I love him so much I don't know what I would do without him. I’m really hungry . I didn't have breakfast, lunch or dinner because I was too mad about my boyfriend or ex-boyfriend I should say. I can't think or sleep or eat I don't know what to do should I let go of all of this pride that I have? NO, it will be better for me in the longrun. Why do people get hurt so much. I don't understand my mind knows that things happen for a reason. I know deep down inside that for some reason this happened and that things will get better, but I’m hurting so bad inside and I still want to smile at people and say hi to my friends even when I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't understand why I have to feel horrible and my friends are all having a blast. Why do some people live the best life and others don't get it so easily. It's not fair to have some people be happy all the time and others who are born without an arm or who's parent's have died or who have some sickness why them and not me for example?

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12

I can't believe she did that. She is supposed to be my suitemate, and my friend. She knows that I like him, and I thought I could trust her with my secret thoughts on him. Why did she have to run off and tell him everything I've said in the past 3 weeks? What kind of friend is that? Did she think she was helping the situation? The question that I've been asking myself for the past few days is, how do you know when you can trust someone? Why can't people mind their own business? In all of my years so far, growing up with gossiping girls hasn't always been easy, but I always knew how to keep a secret. If someone can't trust you with their secret, how do you expect to trust them with yours? There was this old saying my friends and I used to repeat in junior high, Secrets secrets are no fun, secrets are for everyone. Secrets secrets are no fun, unless you let me in on one!" How true is that? I wish I could just take back everything I have said to her, knowing that she has run her mouth to the last person that needs to know my secrets. I can feel the tension between us building up slowly. When she asks me a question, I can hold back my answers because I still have some resentment towards her. Sometimes I even forget that I am supposed to be mad at her, and to make things worse, she doesn't know that I am mad at her. Mad isn't the correct word to describe my feelings; disappointed makes more sense. I met her through a mutual friend 2 years ago at a concert in Houston. I thought that would be the last time I would ever see her, and those 15 minutes of conversation with her are blurred now. When our mutual friend informed me that she was attending the same school as me, and living in the same dorm as me, I thought that we should be suitemates and try living together. At first, we hit it off surprisingly well, doing everything together. It was like we had been best friends since elementary school! We are even rushing the same sorority. Can anyone tell me they have been in my difficult situation before? Well if you have, please write a manual for me to read on how to deal with lying suitemates/friends that you thought you could trust. What bothers me the most is that she doesn't know that I know what she is been doing behind my back. Everytime I would make a comment about the guy I'm into, or hang out with him and come back to my room glowing, we would sit down and talk and gossip about it. Why didn't I see it coming? Why couldn't I have known that she would betray my trust and run along and tell that guy everything I have been gushing about? It doesn't make any sense to me, because I have higher expectations in a friend than that. I expect a friend to respect my secrets, my wishes, and my personal life that doesn't involve them. I guess it's partly my fault for not watching what I say around her, like talking about things that I wouldn't want to get back to him. I guess it's partly my fault also, for trusting in her too fast. My roommate has been very supportive of the whole thing. She told me to just watch what I say around her, and to not say anything that I wouldn't want ANYONE else to know. It just hurts my feelings that she would gain my trust and then knock it down quick to the start. Maybe I shouldn't be so open with people I barely know. Maybe I shouldn't feel guilty, because ultimately it was her screw-up. Right?

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31

the thought of everyone or anything making sense is no sense at all. people or things are living to be apart of the same things. to understand the most simplest of things is to want to understand the hardest of things. if we were to understand all that is around us then what? we seem as humans to conquer all that is unknown or well known as something we can overtake. why is this? if we understood everthing about ourselves then would we conquer overselves and in turn become so self absorbed that it turns out for the worst? maybe our own minds are the foundation and key to unlocking every mystery that lies in this world. that may be the reason that it is so complicated, since it does not want to be discovered in fear of damnation. we find ourselves seeking that which is not wanting to be sought after. maybe if we just left the hinding unknown come to the surface on its own then the world would be more peaceful than ever. we want to satisfy and gratify each other yet nothing is truly workin as a whole. in that case why don't we curse each other? would this work? there wouldn't be heroes without tragic situations that call on them. there wouldn't be compassion without suffering. this may be the other mystery of life. we suffer from all sorts of pains. anxiety, stress, and heartache. then this may be the key to how the world goes round. there must always lie a purpose or mystery to be solved or individuals would possibly goe mad. living without purpose. the sights that are before us lie challenges that we all must go through. . animal. man. all the same in our civilized , yet primal instincts. we find that the more of one thing evolves another becomes a mystery. we try to understand our primal side of existance yet this is where we come from. our strive to learn, succeed, or conquer friends and foes. the animal coming out of us? no the animal coming back to us. these triumphes or downfalls are the minds tricks on itself that keeps everthing from total damnation. if we did unlock the nooks and crannies of our world then what then. find a way to kill or destroy it. with everything else we have. from finding how the world turns, our habits have caused an imbalance of many levels. the people all around us are capable of so much together that the universe wouldn't stand a chance. but that may be the reason we coannot truly get the whole picture of how we really feel for one another. the thoughts that we have are very primal. we seek out our sexes to comfort a zone but not a domain. if we all truly united then our common strength could destroy rntire galaxies since we have already done fractions of that with partial unification. this may be the clue to how realtionships may work in general. we find ways to unite and ways to spread out. everything that may be silly to an outsider like colthes, sex, or religion. these pose for issues that seperarte us at the same time. the same that our animal instincts may tell us as they come back and not come out as many think. think about the possibilities. or the downfalls. mysteries of any sort are our key that may never be unlocked

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9

I am really quite flustered right now, because I already wrote this assignment earlier, and the philosophy systems were probably down, and now I cannot retrieve the file from where I saved it. Anyways, hardly makes a difference though. I can't help wondering about the purpose of this assignment. I mean, the teacher hardly even knows me, and probably cannot even relate to what I am thinking about. I guess this must be a way of doing research, and we'll eventually learn about it. I wish all assignments were just as simple. But its difficult to suddenly get used to this American system of education. This does get strange and intimidating sometimes, with large classrooms and lack of onetoone interaction. But it is nice, and I will definitely get used to it. Today is Monday, and a whole new week lies ahead. I quite dread Monday mornings. not because I have to go to class, but because I have a slight fear of the unknown. what if I have forgotten to do an assignment, what if I annoy a teacher! I am really hungry. I had a small lunch last night. Cafeterias were closed so I made some sandwiches at home. I wish I had a car. Then I could go out anywhere and eat at anytime. I could even go to Sixth Street. I want to buy a sports car. I will buy an Italian sports car once I earn my own million dollars! But that's a long way to go. I want to eat at Kinsolving dining hall today. I am quite tired with the food at Jester. But its pretty far from Jester, and I hate to walk. I guess I'll eat in Jester itself. I wonder what my friends back home must be doing, especially Tanaya. I hope they miss me as much as I miss them. I can't wait to go back to India, but I don't think I'll get to go before summer. I bump into them online almost everyday, so I do feel quite close. But personal meetings are totally different things. My room is such a mess. I will have to clean it up. will do it on Thursday. Thursdays are wonderful. I have only one class, so I do all other work on Thursdays. But this is not a good habit. I eventually end up putting off all my important work to Thursdays, and then run out of time on Thursdays even! I wish the weekend were longer. I need my own computer. I'll get one soon. I hope I get a good deal though. Then I wont have to go to the lab each time I have to do an assignment. My uncle is Dallas said he could get me one for a decent price. I will probably go meet him next week if it fits in my schedule. Great, my 20 minutes are almost up. This assignment was fun. I hope that all the others are as much fun to do.

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It's been almost a week since I have moved to Austin to study. There have been times when I miss home, as well as times when I call my dorm room home. I don't understand why exactly I am here. None of this makes any sense. I've grown up, studying at a small school, small church, small community type settings, and I've thrown myself into the largest university in the nation, surrounded by many diverse students of all kinds. My friends have made the transition easier, as well as comforting. However, there's still a little void inside of me. Where did it come from though? I see that naturally, God has some sort of plan for me here. But as of now, I have not a clue. No reason, no rhyme. And here I am writing my psychology assignment on the day it was assigned. This never happens. I am the one who's lazy and always procrastinates to the last possible second before even lifting a finger towards any assignment handed my way. Yet, I feel like a change is about to occur. A transformation possibly, from a cocoon to a butterfly so to say. Leaving behind the old, and embracing the new as it comes my way. I look around my desk, seeing my personal belongs as it reflects my own personality, my soul, my spirit. And I realize, that I'm lacking. I have my mere clothing, and books for my classes, my computer. The only thing that resembles anything about myself is my Jars of Clay poster, given to me by a friend. This poster is the only tangible object, image to represent myself. Do I lack a soul, or have I yet to express it in a more productive manner? Why am I even writing about this anyway? Why did I begin writing this so early? Regardless of it all, I know that He has a plan for my life. Everything I do has a purpose for the sake of His glory. Whether people acknowledge His existence or not, He is still there and is all powerful. Two plus two is four, never five. God is here, and always will. People can choose to ignore Him, but His existence still remains. I miss my Youth Pastor, Gary, who taught me to seek God with everything I have. He was the kind of man who'd parents would approve of as a personal mentor. His wisdom and knowledge of every concept in the world baffles me, and kept me curios. But it's his compassion that I miss the most. The tears he shed, when he heard of a young boy committing suicide because his peers perpetual teasing. The affectionate, unconditional love he expresses towards his wife and children. These things, I miss the most. But the one true divine aspect about Gary, is that he's a man of God. A man who sought after God without ever holding back. He dove in. Not caring where or how, when or why, he dove in. Will mankind ever see a man like him again? I look at the clock, and my twenty minutes is almost over, only a minute left for my required writing time. Did I do the correct assignment? Did I do this the way my professor wanted me to? Oh well. Blah.

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18

I think I'm trying to hard to write what I'm thinking which defeats the entire purpose of this paper, you aren't supposed to think about what you write, you're supposed to write what you think about. Wow, I was impressed with that little quote there. I cannot live without you. " I've had that song stuck in my head all day long. It's a good song but I only know that much of it. I wish I could actually sing the rest of the words to that song instead of mumbling through them. I have a problem with singing lyrics. Why am I reading over what I have just wrote? I guess it's just a habit that I've gotten into after writing so many essays in my life. I usually despise essays. I love writing, just not essays. Hmmm. was that a pretty girl that just walked by? I just caught her foot as she passed my door. I think it was a pretty foot. I need to find a girlfriend. Girlfriends are great. Well, they can be. Depending on who it is. I loved my last girlfriend to death. I miss her so much. I hate not being able to see her any more. Curse age! Of course I do not wish I was 2 years younger but I do wish that she was 2 years older. Why did I bother to redo that sentence? I actually wrote 2 sentences and then combined them to make one. Am I following all of the rules to the "Stream of Consciousness" writing assignment? I wonder if you can determine if a person has ADD by reading a "Stream of Consciousness" paper. Hell, by the time you get done with mine, you will probably think I am. Hell, hell, hell, hell, that word just stuck in my head for some reason. I wonder if that means that I'm satanic. "Thegreatjakobie" just signed onto AOL instant messenger. "I can't talk buddy! I'm writing what I think!" Metacognition. Thinking about thinking. That is such a cool concept. I often think about MEtacognition so I guess I can say that I often think about thinking about thinking. That actually makes sense. "I cannot live without you!. all that kjsoifl me, alkjsoithaj me, I cannot live without you!" Damn words. I should probably learn them. I often spell a word that I know how to spell but it doesn't look right when I write it so I spend like 5 minutes trying to determine if it's spelled right. I'm thinking about that damn song again. My elbow hurts. It pops a lot. I wonder if that means it's going to fall off one day. I don't think it's healthy. I don't know anybody else who's elbow hurts and pops on a regular basis. "Strike 3! You're out!" I hate baseball, but it popped into my head when I spelled basis. Bases. Stases! Rhetoric and Comp class sucks. It's not my cup of tea. Have you ever been in one of those really big tea cups that spin around really fast at carnivals? They suck too. When I get done I feel like I'm going to vomit all over my shoes. Vomit stinks a bunch. My friend Paxton doesn't like vomit either. He says that when he smells vomit, it makes him want to vomit too. And all the people around him will see all this vomit and pretty soon, the whole room is blowing chunks all over each other. Chain vomiting. Comforting. I'd like to stop thinking about vomiting now. "I cannot live without you!" Latin drums can seriously rock! Especially in that damn song that I have had stuck in my damn head all day. My face itches. I hate when things itch. That would be a feeling that I would rather not have. If I had a choice of course. Only 2 minutes left! That sucks! I'm kind of getting into this whole writing thing! We should do this assignment every week! That would rock. oooooooowwwwwwwww! Damnit! I was stretching and when my arms came back down I hit my already broken ass elbow on my chair. That sucked! Oh man, that really depressed me. That hurt a whole bunch. AhhhH! 30 more seconds! Lets see how many letters I can hit! kasdfkjhasdkfjhaksdjhfkljasdhfkljadshfkljadshfkljahdsfkljhasdklfjhaklsdjhklahciluhekjhsdfkljahdsfkljhasfdkljhicukljaeno;iawejoijackjnOWEDJOAUR9238U4R928JOFJIEODFIJA9WE8URFOJKLJSDCVLIUADSHFCKJENRFLKH9PC8USDCIOAJERFKJRIOFJUP98UFOASDFJKJNCKDSJCPOAIUFPO0WUERO9QU8W3ROIQWJREFKNSDOVJOAISDUJVA98WEUF9WUEFROAWKEJRFLKIJSDFOLAIJSDFOIAUJFOIKW4EJFOIJASDOIFJASLDKFJAO;SDIFUJ0WAOEJFLKNVOIJC0932I1-09I-1I-0 hA! That's how many letters I can type in 30 seconds. Well, technically, it was less than that because I was finishing that last sentence up. Well, my 20 seconds are up. Good luck on trying to pull meaning from this madness.

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7

Well I am sitting here in my dorm room wondering what I am doing here. I am eighteen years old, and well in four days will actually be nineteen. I cannot believe that I am in college. The past three weeks of classes have been very overwhelming. I did not really know what to expect, and well I still don't know. After the first two days of classes I called home crying because I did not now how exactly to study for classes even if I did not have homework or a test the following day. I am kind of getting into the swing of things. Last night my ex boyfriend called which really surprised I me. He wasn't really my boyfriend but we were for sure dating. About a week and a half ago I found out that he was dating another girl at the same time that he was dating me. I was really upset when I found out but for some reason I never cried. I usually cry over the littlest things but this time I didn't. It's not that I wasn't upset but I think that I was trying to be a stronger person. Anyways, back to the point, I can't believe that he called. I am really excited because on Sunday I am going to meet my parents in New Braunfels to go to dinner for my birthday. My mom keeps asking me what I want for my birthday, but I don't really know. My friend Katie just walked into my room. I told her to leave because I don't want to lose my train of thought. That is the problem with living in the dorm. People just walk in and out of my room and it is really hard to get things done. My roommate and I usually lock our door so no one can disturb us. Oh, about two and a half months ago I got a speeding ticket and I have to take defensive driving. I rented the defensive driving video from Blockbuster today. The video was so boring. I really miss my sister. She is so great to me. Last night I was thinking how weird, well it isn't really weird, but almost every time we get off the phone we say, "I love you. " It is not weird to me but I don't think that most brothers and sisters say I love you every time they get off of the phone. I don't know I guess I just think it is cool that we have such a close relationship between one another. I sometimes think what I would do if I lost her or didn't have a sister as great as her. Sometime she can be really rude to me but for the most part she is such a great sister. Speaking of great people, I love my parents so much. I have never really realized how much they really care about me and worry about me until I went off to college. The day that I called them crying they were so worried about me. I called them again that night and they were so relieved that I was feeling better. Also, yesterday I felt really sick and my told me that she wished that she could be here to take care of me. My family is probably the greatest thing that I have in my life. What I really wish for right now is to make at least a 3. 0 this first semester. I am going to try really hard. I know I can do it I just have to keep up with my studies and work really hard. So far I think I am doing good in studying. I am really trying to balance out study time and play time. I can't believe how much my mind switches from subject to subject. This is awesome. I have just typed so much in just twenty minutes.

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30

I don't like the fact that I'm not sure if I can print stuff in this library. it would be so much more easy if I had my own computer, but oh well sarah is probably getting one in a few days then I can use hers it is so crazy how much things have become computer dependent I never thought that I would have a class that was web-based. but it seems that most of mine are and its kinda good in a way because it is forcing me to actually use the technology thats out there I'm not very computer oriented but I think about one year of college will whip me into shape, speaking of I need to go to the gym, but I'm not sure that ill make it tonight maybe ill call jane and see if she has time to go wiht me. sarah doesn't really work out a lot so I've been doing it by myself it would be a good idea to get one of thoes little hand held recorders and tape my spanish lectures because he lectures entirely in spanish and I understand spanish stuff so much better the second time through that I think it would be a really good idea to tape him and then listen to it while I work out wow its only been five minutes its hard to do stuff like this when you know that tons of homework awaits you and you arent really looking forward to it. I'm so glad we have monday off A&M doesn't' even have this holiday but I guess that they started later than we did. I'm going there this weekend and I can't wait to see my closest friends in all the world because they all went there I'm glad I didnt even though I miss them dearly because I have been forced to meet all kinds of new people and I have met some really nice ones, not as great as my best freinds but then again its only been two weeks they all seem to be sticking together pretty much which I think I s pretty dumb because they are never going to grow up if they don't start spreading there wings so to speak. its kinda funny that I just happened to look at my watch and I have been writing for ten minutes now I always seem to look at it in 5-10-15 minute increments. maybe myu internal clock is really acurate or something. I dunno. I'm really tired right now even though I got a lot of sleep the other night maybe I just need even more. I need more sleep thatn anyone I know I wonder if I get more tired because I convince myself I didnt get enough sleep or if I'm actually really tired. I think I do get really tired becuase it starts to show on my face, I get horrible bags under my eyes and I just look gross. like right now. plus I am totally broken out, more than I have ever been, but I'm hoping that its just the stress from going off to colegio. who knows well see in about a week. why is it that sometimes your face turns red. I hate that so much I feel so exposed when that happens. I can feel it getting hotter and I think that makes me even more self concious which in turn makes mya face even more red. I wonder if people you don't know notice when you blush or is it not as obvious as it seems. i didnt used to blush but now I occasionally do a t really inopportune times . like today when a guy I think is attractive said hi to me I got all flustered. its so stupid I don't even know him and I've convinced myself that we are destined to be together. sometimes I am so unrealistic when it comes to relationships correction I am always unrealistic that is something hard for me to admit to because in admitting that I feel let down. I get really dejected when it comes to guys, and I don't theink that any good ones exist even though I know in theory that isn't true I just havent come accross anyone who has disproved it to me. maybe its because I don't attract the nice guys because I'm sending off a negative vibe that was on oprah the other day. they were saying how can you attract someone if you automatically have a bad attitude about it and think that they couldnt possibly be worhty of you. I dunno. I can't stop thinking all guys are bad just to attract a guy because I think that is the wrong motive for changing my opinion. its like in bridget jones diary she does stuff like that sometimes I remind myself of her except not as extreme. well of course not she was a complete lunatic. I wish my parents were not in ireland right now becasue I would looooovvvveeee to see them this weekend but I can wait I miss them so much I think because we get along so incredibly well its really abnormal I think no one else I know gets along as well with there parents as I do its really cool I thinkwow I went over the 20 minutes who would have guessed thats kinda weird everytime I mentioned the time I said wow. huh

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14

Yesterday I could not get it to work and I was frustrated. I am feeling happy now that I know how to do this. I am also all caught up in my reading so that is also a good thing that makes me feel good. I hope I can do that for the rest of the semester and stay on top of things. I am worried though about an assignment I have do tomorrow and need to get it done on time. I have to find an example of it though on the computer and that hasn't happened yet and that makes me feel frustrated. I will be relieved once I get that done. I have never done an assignment like this before and it is kind of different and new to me. I am not used to writing down everything I think about and my feelings. I am also pretty tired right now and could use some sleep. I hope I get my things done early tonight so that I can get some sleep. Today it has been hard for me to concentrate and not start daydreaming in class. When I am tired it is hard for me sometimes to pay attention. I make sure though I hear what the professor is saying and not get behind or that would bother me if I knew I missed something important that he said. In a little while I have to take a Calculus quiz that I am worried about. I don't like to take quizzes because I get nervous before they start, even when I know the material. Right now I feel like I need to go workout. I enjoy working out and haven't done much of it since school has started. It makes me feel better and more energetic when I run. I feel good about myself and what I am doing. I like to take breaks when I am studying, so that I don't study for long periods of time without taking a break. For example, after I finish one subject I either watch TV for a little while or grab a snack and then go on to the next subject. This helps me when I am studying and I feel great once I have finished studying or reading a subject. It has been really hot outside today and it feels good whenever I finally come into a building that has air conditioning. I had to walk all the way across campus from class to my friends dorm and once I got there I was tired and hot but now I feel a lot better. I have always carried a backpack with me even in high school but now it is harder in college because you have to walk a lot greater distance. I really don't know what else to say. It won't be long and my next class will begin and I must get prepared for my upcoming quiz. I am really glad though to have at least one of these writing assignments done now. It is one thing off my list of things to do. I feel I have now finished one more task of the day.

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Pretty much, I have enjoyed my time here at UT. I am taking all my classes, and I am doing reasonably well in them. My calculus class does not seem to be too bad except for the fact that the professor pretty much gives us the book word for word in the form of notes except with indeeds and such that is thrown in there. My Sociology class is pretty good, the professor is a nice lady and is very enjoyable to listen to. We discuss all sorts of interesting topics and the favorite one of hers is that there are more than one genders. My Chemistry lab is a 5 hour class and it is ok so far, but we have only done a basic lab to measure the density of coke versus diet coke. I still have to write up the lab report but that would not be too difficult to do. My Chemical Engineering class is very laid back to the point where it is disturbing. We have 1 class meeting a week for a 1 hour period with many of the classes not being taught by the professor, but by other members of the Chemical Engineering department. There is no final and we end the class in November. To me that just seems a little disturbing. My psychology class is not too bad except for the fact that it is in a huge auditorium that for the most part is very dimly lit. The atmosphere in it is not very helpful to students who are tired after all there classes because it does seem to make falling asleep a whole lot easier. The material covered in the lectures is all very familiar to me as I did take Psychology AP in high school and I have kept all of my notes from the class. Unfortunately I only managed to make a 3 on the AP exam so I did not get credit. One thing I am contemplating right now is whether it is wise for me to be taking two social science classes when my degree plan only requires me to take one. I have taken Psychology before and I found it to be very interesting, but right now Sociology is coming out to be much more entertaining and the homework assignments are to watch two good movies (One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest and Empire of the Sun) and to write a short paper on them regarding the sociological ideas in the movies. Currently I just got off work from the Blockbuster on Guadalupe street where I had a nice night except for the fact that my brother called me on his cell from Houston saying he had run away from home. That was pretty weird when I found out he had run away and what was the cause of it. I did find out that it was all about an assignment that his lacrosse coach had given him and the assignment was an extremely religious one (my brother is an atheist). The coach said that the players were free to give him a book to read on a conflicting point of view, and my brother chose to give him a book entitled Atheism, the case against God". My parents were extremely mad at him and called him an intolerant asshole. My brother overreacted and called them assholes and said that he did not need parents anymore since they weren't really helping him out. My brother's views on God are basically that there is no God and he doesn't really care what others think about his views on religion. He also doesn't try to convince them of the fact that there is no god, he is merely doing as his coach suggested, providing a book with a conflicting view (my brother hasn't even read the book). I pretty much told John to take a walk and go get a soda so he could cool off for the evening and then head home if my dad hadn't found him yet. One thing about my family is that we are all very stubborn and don't back down from the views we care about. It leads to a lot of fights. After I finish this writing assignment, I have plans to play this really addictive computer game called Civilization III. In the game, you build an empire from 4000BC and research all sorts of technology, manage cities, wage war, and survive. In the current game I have going, I am playing as Hannibal of the Carthaginians, and my enemies are Alexander of Greece, Caesar of Rome, and Cleopatra of Egypt. Currently I am at war with everyone and in the process of wiping out Greece. My armies have been battling Greece for the past 5 hours of game play time which in years of the game is from the period of 1776 approximately to 1991. It is only since 1980 that I have managed to conquer many cities. Egypt and Rome were at peace with me until I launched two tactical nukes at the Greek cities. The declared war on me and I am not sure why. I did make an official declaration of war against Greece and then they attacked me. So now I am building modern armors (good tanks) by the hundreds, working with a communist form of government and I am going to eliminate greece before I wipe the rest of the world out. The only reason I am doing so well is that I have better technology than the rest of them and superior numbers. The can just move faster in their own territory, but I will conquer. I even have a nuke prepared to fire on Rome when I start to take them on. Farewell, I am off to conquer the world.

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11

I finally got all of my Ethernet problems worked out today, so I e-mailed everyone I know. I wish my mom would call so I could tell her that not only did I get the package with my Windows 95 disk but I also received my Nabisco care package. It had all kinds of goodies in it but I haven't yet gotten to eat any of them yet. I wonder where Scott is. I haven't heard from him since Monday I think. He's probably at work, or playing Magic with Tim and Anthony. I'm glad I got a card from Julie today, looks like she's having a good time at OU. Maybe I'll call her before I go to the Red River Shoot-Out in Dallas, or better yet maybe she's got a place to stay in Dallas and I could stay with her. I wish the guys working outside would be quiet. And for once the girls in my hall are quiet, either that or they aren't there. My fingers are really cold , but they aren't numb yet so I guess I'll live. I'm so excited! I get to go to my first UT football game on Saturday. But I also get to go to all of the other home football games because I got Season tickets. maybe I'll see my Aggie friends at the A&M game November, Kristine doesn't have an e-mail address yet otherwise I’d write her. I don't think I get to go home again until September the twentieth, but maybe I'll get to see Scott then, unless he comes here, but I don't think that he'll do that because it will end up costing him to much money, then again it will cost me a lot of money too, if I keep going back and forth I hope that I’m getting enough sleep to make it all the way through the day. I need to start planning my week like I learned how at the time Management and Study Strategies Seminar I went to on Sunday I think I need to take a nap. I wish I had some nail polish remover, I need to repaint my toenails. I wonder if I can make it through three weeks before I need to get my nails redone. I hope so I don’t want to change manicurists, I like Vicky.

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So, I'm sitting here staring at the computer screen. I wonder what I'm supposed to write about. Thousands of ideas enter my mind, but one completely stands out. My roommate is again in a fight with her boyfriend. How can one person have so much anger trapped up inside of them? How can one person be so hurt and so hurtful to or from another. I know that I sometimes get in fights with my boyfriend. But they are nothing like this. I just don't really understand her sometimes. She complains that they don't talk enough, but when they are on the phone they have absolutely nothing to talk about. What else is new, all she does is sit around in the room waiting for him to call all of the time. I go to class, come back, and there she sits still. I just can't do that. I mean, I'm dedicated and love my boyfriend, but not to the point of putting my own happiness and life on the line for one person. I don't think that I'm selfish, I feel like I have my priorities straighter. Except I happen to be the one without the degree plan that everyone else already has set up. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. There are so many opportunities out there, how do you know deadon what you would like to be? My interests change daytoday. One day I want to do this, then the next day it's this other thing. The only sure thing and deadmindset thing that I'm involved with is my boyfriend. We've been together for a long time, and I've never felt as strong about anyone as I feel about him. We make all these plans for our future together that I hope come true. But they are only things that I want right now. I would love to marry this guy, I've been settled down for over a year now, and I'm happy this way. We both adjusted our lives for each other. I just wish the time was here. But I can't help to think of that continuous thought in the back of my head, of what if. I am extremely superstitious. I believe that there is a reason why we met each other, and every event that has happened since, has. But maybe I don't always get what I want because I'm supposed to meet someone else while he is not around. I have never been happier in my life, and I am always afraid of change. This move down here to college shuck me up enough. Now things are finally getting settled and I'm meeting tons of people, but I don't know whether or not I should dedicate my time to what I am giving it to. I make time for everyone, but not always for everyone. I keep a lot of time to myself. I hate having to turn people down, but it seems as if I am always doing that. Tomorrow my friend invited me over for dinner, and that should be a lot of fun. We have kind of lost touch, and it should be good for us to get back into the swing of things. Well, I think that has been twenty minutes. I hope you enjoyed my "interesting" train of thought.

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19

my knuckles are aching I'm going to pop them, lot of clicking on the keyboards in the computer lab, I keep hearing a long beep ever now and then and it is really annoying, I wish I could type better and faster and not have to use one finger, my joints are still aching I want to constantly move to pop them, my head itches and my armpits are moist and sticky, I keep having to raise my arms to keep the stickiness down and more my shirt out of my pits, my toe needs to pop and my right ring finger itches, I wonder what jenn is doing I bet she is with gus, gosh do I hate that guy he just gets on my nerves and doesn't deserve her or treat her right, but then he is cool when I'm around very annoying, it rained earlier so it was really humid after psychology, but now the air conditioning in the library is just what I need, the back of my shoe has no fabric on it so where my sock is not present my shoe rubs blisters into the flesh, another chair squeaks as some shifts their weight, a guy is talking on his phone which I always thought was a bad idea and now he is done, the weird thing about this assignment is that all I'm really thinking about is the assignment and having to think things up, I feel like it doesn't accurately establish what I'm think because I I can't type as fast as a thought comes up, my eye is burning and I feel a tear coming up its like an uncontrollable itch that I'm going to have to rub for a while, another phone goes off, its amazing how many phones there are and how everyone has their own little ring, now someone won't answer their phone and it is still going off, my knee itches, I scratch it, a zipper is undone, another person leaves the computers, and another one sits down automatically, to guys are talking and kind of annoying me, walking around with their smug looks and acting like they own it all and don't have to abide by any rules of SILENCE, that same beep again, I scratched my knee again, I wonder what I'm going to make for dinner, I'm really hungry right now but I still have my lab, stupid labs all at weird times and all out of whack, some one coughs over the loud and oddly rhythmic type emulating from about 50 computers, I shift my weight because my ass is falling asleep and cause my chair to creek as everyone takes a pause to listen look and become annoyed, more squeaking, and now my forearms are sore from resting on the edge of the table to long, I really worry about problems with my hands from typing and using a mouse and also from popping my knuckles, carri's dad has I guess a calcium deposit on his knuckle from clicking a mouse too much its pretty deformed looking, but funny, the library seems to weirdly old yet modern, a lot of the signs make me think of my elementary school and just stuff from then like the walls but its so enormous and imposing I completely stop thinking about it, I sneeze and cover my mouth but now I type so I spread my saliva everywhere I feel bad for who ever uses this next, knuckles again, some guy is looking out if the window and I want to know what he is thinking and what he is looking at, I was thinking about this one think dr. pennebaker was talking about how we are all programmed to react to movement and sound, I guess I always knew and tried to avoid it but I don't think many people actually think about it, I think its actually pretty cool because I'm now thinking about how it is one those derived characteristics we got from our ancestors I guess who hunted or had natural predators just being able to react when ever something moved or made a noise, probably a good thing not to evolve out of, 311 rocks evolver is a good step up for them, I notice I get really startled easily when I'm alone in my room engulfed in tv or a computer, my mom and anyone can come in and say hi and ill jump like the dickens even though it was not that big of a deal I wish jenn felt the same way it would be nice and also bad because

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6

Well, college is turning out to be quite an adventure, although I could have guessed that before I got here. I am enjoying meeting different kinds of people as well as being challenged in all of my classes. I could probably do with less reading assignments, but the majority of the text that I've been reading holds the same principal. Learn to question things and make a decision on your own, with ideas to support it. I like this concept, it allows several possibilities in every aspect of life. The idea that the classroom wants me to think critically is exciting. My first impression when I walked into a big lecture class was intimidating. I'm used to the small classrooms where I know the other students around me and I'm comfortable with them. I can also get bored with them as well, so the big classrooms allow me to meet different people every day, this is something I definately like. I like to think that there are a lot of other college freshman feeling the same feelings that I am feeling, that I'm not the only one that is scared and intimdated yet excited all at once. It makes me feel not so alone, in s University as large as this one it becomes a necessity to not feel alone or isolated by your fears. Making new friends is difficult but I think that the majority of freshman on campus are open to forming new friendships with many different people. The entire aspect of not living with my parents and having them in the same house as me p=monitoring my decisions and actions is both liberating and terrifying. I feel as though I have a chance to completly be myself and decide if the person I have been for the past eighteen years is truly me, but at the same time, I wonder if I can meet my parents expectations of greatness. Will I be the type of person that they would be proud of, will I have the ideas and beliefs that are acceptable to them. My fear of not meeting their expectations is not completely overwhelming because they have always taught me to question things and I think that if I form my own beliefs that happen to differ from their beliefs, they will be accepting if and only if I have reached that conclusion through logic and reasoning and I can support my ideas with valid argumentation. It definately can become intimidating at times though. I think the main thing that scares me is having to support myself. I have lived with these people who have taken care of me for eighteen years, I haven't ever had to support myself. In a world that I've only been shown glimpses of, I will soon be expected to make my way through on my own. THis I think is the truly scary part of starting college. It shows us what the world is like in spoonfuls and hopefully, we are prepared enough to face it by the time that we leave college. I don't want to be naive and think too optimistically because it is hard to look at the world in optimism all the time. Yet I don't want to scare myself to death thinking negatively all the time either. COllege will be a good tester of my character and ability to survive without my parents holding safety nets for my constantly. Over all, I am excited and terrified all at once.

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28

This computer lab, Jester East, is rather warm. It's stuffy in here. That isn't however a bad thing, considering how sick I am. Actually, I'm feeling a whole lot better now, as opposed to this morning. I wonder if I missed out on anything important in Linguistics. I doubt I missed out on much. Oh well. I'm relieved about the calculator issue regarding chemistry. I'm glad I know someone who has a car (means of transportation other than the bus). If I keep shopping I may soon find myself in need of help from my parents, financially. Then again, I am buying necessities: food, soap, water, DayQuill, NightQuill, etc. My nose is cleared up. That's something to be happy about. Ah. I can't help but smile at the fact that he came over and simply spent time with me today. He basically just watched me sleep, sniffle, and cough. He's so sweet. I kind of don't want to go home this weekend because of him. He's gone out of town the last two weekends, and now I'm going out of town. Hmm. I don't leave until Friday night. I guess I should try to get a hold of my parents. They may be interested in my visit. Shoot! Only twelve minutes have passed. I feel like I've been typing for a much longer time period. Uhoh, my nose is causing me to sniffle. Ugh. it's so annoying. Good thing I brought Kleenex with me. My mouth is dry. And my tongue hurts from chewing gum. I'm not use to chewing gum, at least not as much as I have been lately. I'm self conscious about my breath, since I have a sore throat. As a result I'm constantly chewing on cinnamon flavored gum. In a way, this isn't exactly my train of thought, at least not the uninterrupted form. I find myself with the need to explain, or give a bit of background info to the reader, if there even is indeed a reader. Ah well. Just three more minutes to go. I can't wait to get back up to my cold room, pop open a can of ginger ale and chug. I've successfully made mouth feel even more dry. My throat is starting to hurt again, but only when I swallow. One more minute left. Perhaps I'll just type my abc's while I wait for that one minute to pass. Ooh. well aren't I little miss creative. Okay time's officially up!.

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Right now I am feeling a sense that I have a lot of catching up to do in my reading. Not particularly for this subject but for some of my others. my classes thid semester consist of a lot of reading. For the most part I am enjoying school. I think that it will only get better as days go by and I begin to meet more and more people. I am from Austin and hardly any of my friends came to UT. I guess that they all wanted to get away from home. I love Austin and Ut has a wonderful Interior Design program, it is in the school of Architecture. Right now I am in the Arch. library and my typing is kind of loud I hope that it is not bothering anyone. I am about to go to my next class it is an architecture class with 500 students. Most of my classes except for one are with 500 students. (about 500) College goes by so quickly I can't believe that it is already thursday. Where does the time go? Since I am from Austin I have learned that living in austin and attending school in austin are totally different. I am the only family member besides my grandmother who decided to come to Ut. most of my family went to Texas Tech, A&M, and SMU. My sister just graduated college from colorado state in Ft. Collins. I love Colorado. My older brother is going to grad school at Ut dallas and working at the same time. Over the Christmas holiday my sister and I are going to Quito, Equidor, I can't wait. Well there is so much I could say right now but I am running out of time. Sorry for all of the mistakes.

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Wow! This has been a crazy day! I am really overwhelmed by everything. I'm sitting in my dormroom right now and and all I can't think about is last night. I'm still really really mad. All of these rude girls were running down the hall at 3:00 in the morning, screaming, yelling,and slamming doors. I got only a few hours of sleep. This really sucks especially since I came home early from Waco just so I could sleep. I could have spent the night there and hung out with Grant, my boyfriend if i had known that i would be kept up that late. Oh yeah, I really miss Grant right now! He's supposed to call me today when he gets out of class, which was about, uh, two hours ago. I could just call him but first of all, i am typing this right now and can't stop for about 14 more minutes, and second, i am trying that stupid oldfashioned stuff where you let the guy call you. The tv is on in here and i kind of want to change the channel because they are talking about Sept. 11th. That's so depressing and I think that I am depressed enough right now with all of this new stuff in my life. I liked my house and my room in my house and my town where i knew my way around and my tutoring job that payed well, and my cozy school where I have gone since kindergarten. I miss my mom and dad, and friends, but most of all I miss my dog! DID I TELL YOU THAT I MISS MY DOG, MOLLY? She is the one who undepresses me. How can you be upset when she is begging for your approval and looking at you with that puppy dog face that is that is the ultimate model of pure love. Oh yeah- I just heard something about American Idol, that t. v. show. THe girl who won, Kelly Clarkson, is from Burleson, a small towm outside of Fort Worth. That is where my boyfriend is from, which just brings me back to the fact that I miss Grant right now. Now all i can think about is the fact that I am such a typical girl; all i can think about is my boyfriend! oh well, it's better tan thinking about the mean girls that i have to live with. They are so unthoughtful. My brother told me to live here and that i would meet some of my best friends for life here. Yeah right! I hate all of these girls. All of my friends live somewhere else. I pretty much always take his advise because he is really smart and after all, he is my big brother. But i think he was wron on this one. I guess I am finished. Yeah, i better get ready for dinner, but this is pretty addicting to write all of this down, even though none of this make any sense to you. Oh well, bye bye.

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It has taken me a few minutes to get the hang of things. Meaning, I didn't know the steps in getting set up to use the computer because I really have never had that much experience in using the computer. I went to set my e-mail account yesterday and also got my IF account number. Let me see what else comes in mind I have no idea but to keep typing. Oh ya here with me is Brandi who is a senior and is helping me get to know my way around campus and also answering any questions I have over school. I am planning to go to the football game this weekend I am still not sure, because my friends don't know if they would rather go to the football game or go home to Dallas for the weekend. I myself would rather go to the game. I almost forgot that I have to go to my apartment and clean up and then I have to go to the bookstore to return a book that I don't need. Well what else can I write about. . my twenty minutes are almost up but not quite yet. . . I am here staring at other people in the room looking for familiar faces but I don't see one. . . . . Something that just came to my head was that I really miss my family, especially my mom. My sisters, and brother mean a lot to me too, oh ya my nephew also is someone I miss a whole lot. He is the most adorable kid I have ever seen I not saying this because he is my nephew but because it is true. Time up.

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My chemistry book does not have a periodic table in it while my roommate's physics book does. I find that somewhat strange, as the periodic table does not really have as much to do with physics as it does with chemistry. I have come to the realization that Indian producer people truly are strange. This realization has come after a weekend of analyzing music videos and such. I mean, they parody off of old songs as well as songs from here and incorporate a million and one costume changes and odd moves into their dances. The people upstairs just made another random noise. It sounds like they are always moving furniture or wrestling or something. I'm pretty sure there are guys up there, since I don't think that girls move their furniture daily and wrestle. I really don't know what they do upstairs. The people next door to us are just as strange. They screen their phone calls I think; their phone is always ringing and no one picks up. But then I hear them in their room. Actually, I'm beginning to think that screening phone calls is a pretty good idea. We've gotten some random phone calls. Some of these calls came from people I know very well and yet I can't understand the messages they leave on the machine. I just realized that I have very random thoughts; I think that this means that I'm not really focused on what I'm doing or something. Actually, I'm trying to think of something really meaningful to say in these twenty minutes and my mind is coming up quite blank. I just don't seem to be able to find an issue to get up on a soapbox about. That is quite sad; generally I always have something that I can just ramble on and on about for hours on end. Yet when I'm called to do just thatnot a thing shows up. I wonder when I'm going to get rid of my cough. I refuse to take cough syrup because I don't like the taste of it, and so I'm going to be suffering with this cough for a while. I don't know why the cough syrup manufacturers can't add artificial flavors to the cough syrup to make it taste good. Then again if they did that, kids would want to take it and then they would get addicted to it. That would most definitely not be a good thing. I guess even if it tastes bad enough people buy it; but making it taste better would be a good thing. At least, change the flavor from cherry to, say, grape. Grape is a good flavor. Chocolate is a good flavor too. I like chocolate. Actually I like all sugar; I think my roommate would agree with me in saying that the sugar I intake daily is what causes my oddness. But sugar is good nevertheless. So is chocolate. I don't think it causes acne. How can something that tastes so good be so bad? Of course the same comment could apply to other things as well (pizza, Italian food, etc). Ah well. I never knew twenty minutes could last so long. It's neverending. I feel like thirty minutes have gone by, but my watch tells me only fifteen. There was just another random thud from the people next door. I think they must have dropped something plastic. I just realized that I don't really know any of the people who live around me. I think that's probably because we have private baths and so we never really come across one another. That's kind of sad, considering I hear from everyone that "People who live on the same floor as you become your family" and I don't really seem to sense that. We all pass each other by in the hall and on the elevator, but we never really take the time to speak to each other. That, to be honest, is the one thing I didn't like about UT. The fact that everyone knows people already makes it impossible, or at least very difficult, to make new friends. Even when you make the effort, it's tough to meet new people. We all have our high school buddies. Well my time is almost up for writing this assignment; just as well, my hand hurts from typing for twenty minutes straight. If I had counted the number of times I hit the backspace button during this exercise, I think I would come up with this huge number. I never knew I'm so bad at typing; I have the speed part down, but the accuracy eludes me yet.

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19

the reason for that is because of this girl I'm interested in. this relationship has had a lot of problems, but nothing I can really do about it. this girl is someone that my roommate dated last semester. I was with her at the end of the semester and I felt that things were pretty good. now my roommate still likes her and tries to make moves on her. this guy is a real good friend of mine too. because of this I don't want to be serious about this girl. I think she really likes me, but then I feel guilty about what I'm doing. she's the kind of girl that has a lot of guy friends. I went to a club last night and she was there. I was dancing with her and felt bad because my roommate was there also. I felt so bad I sort of pushed her away whenever she got close. during that night she also danced with my roommate and other guys. all those guys danced real close to her which made me made me feel real sad. I don't have the right to be jealous because we really are not together, but emotions are too hard to control. I just wish I could hold her and be with her, but the situation is just too awkward.

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Great! Now I have to do this crap on paper! My stupid com. Heard sound. Sounded like my modem, but it's not on. Stupid itches again. This time all at once. I've been itching a lot lately, but it's probably the weather. Popped my thumb. Popped it again. I tend to do things in pairs. Tingling foot because it was in a strange position. I hope my fingers don't give out. Itchy left ear. It's been only 3 minutes and it's already hurting. I certainly hope I don't get carpel tunnel. Ouch! Itchy nose. head. Eyes doing that weird thing, almost like I've stared too long at one thing. Many little itches. 5 minutes now. Maybe I'm a little conscious of how the time is rolling. But then again, that's probably I have a little over an hour to turn this in and finish pretesting. Should set comp up, even though she keeps dying on me. Hand hurts a little, had to flex it. Mmmmm. Good Snickers bar. It's going to be difficult to write any feelings beyond the physical down. I tend to be in a state of. no state most of the time. 13 minutes left. I hope I can keep. Itchy nose. Feeling in the stomach. Hand still a little achy from all the writing. Wished my comp hadn't crashed, else I'd be done by now. Itchy scalp. I hope I'm doing this right. Figures. Comp restarted again. I guess I should turn it off after it restarts. Don't know why it's been such a pain lately. 10 minutes left. Itch to the side. Stretch fingers. Itchy feeling in left foot due to position. Itch in left ear. Gee, I hope these little itches don't mean anything. (feeling amused) Stretch aching fingers. Getting peanut out of teeth with tongue. Comp restarted. Time to shut her down. Hopefully, shutting down properly will end this mess. Popped thumb. 7 minutes left. Soon. Real soon. Well, physically anyway. It'll probably feel like 15. Turn off comp. I hope I can. Turn off power. I hope I can put all this to the web page before time. Ho. Itchy nose. Inside Eyes water. It's a sneezer! Eh, maybe not. 4 minutes left. Guess I should just trust the timer now. Hope I'm. doing this assignment right. But then again there is no right or wrong way to do it. Speaking of which, what "is" this assignment for? What does it do? Yeah, we write down our thoughts for twenty minutes, but. 2 minutes. Why? What do we learn from this? Or is it for the prof. and the department? Don't see what good it could do either. One minute. The clock will beep soon. Better prep for it, lest my heart jump out of my chest. Heart beat increased a little. Heart jumps! (Timer went off)

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29

As I sit here and drink this very nasty coffee. (coffee maker is on the fritz) I look back and recollect on this past weekend. In fact this has been my only thought since Monday morning. So I can give you can better understand what I am talking about, I will give you a background premise to what occurred. I was sitting on the computer, as always, talking to my boyfriend in Houston on a chat group. He and I are still in that "newlywed" phase of a relationship, so we are constantly wanting to be around the other. My having to be a couple hundred miles away in school is causing major distance pains. Any way, I was trying to encourage him to come visit me for the weekend. He was regretfully working on both Saturday, and Sunday lunches ( he is a waiter, where we met this past summer) . He replied to my requests with a request for me to go down there. I thought about it for a brief moment, decided that I had no major plans for the weekend, and immediately called Greyhound. I was on the next bus home, in one hour. He was so completely surprised. As he put it, it was one of the largest signs of love that he had ever been shown, for someone to just up and leave on the spur of a moment, spend over $50 that he knew I didn't have to spend, sacrifice a weekend of my time, just to see him. He was on cloud nine, and as soon as I saw him, so was I. Well the weekend progressed, and I had a wonderful time. I also had a chance to meet up with my friends still in Houston, without having to report in to my mother. thankfully I neglected to tell her that I was in town. Well, on my last day there, before my ride to the bus station, he and I had a heartfelt conversation. He basically proclaimed his undying love for me, and told me exactly how special I was in his life. He also went over all the things that I did to let him know how much he knew that I love him. He remembered all the little things that I have done since day one. which really meant something to me cause I know that my actions are received with such appreciation. He felt that this last one, my coming to see him on the spur of a moment, was the ultimate. He then proceeded to tell me of a mental list that he had of who he envisioned his wife would be, what kind of person she would be, and what her traits would be. He told me that I fit every one, and he said that I was his perfect companion. Both of us have seen a lot, and have dated almost every type of person out there. I know that he is the one for me, I have known it for a while. I have been told that when you meet that certain someone, you will know it is them, and you will know that they are the right one for you. Well. my mind, heart and soul are screaming at me that Terrence is him. Well, I stated a few things to him that I had been thinking about, and at one point, I started to cry, out of sheer joy at what he was saying to me, I have never had any one person ever express their feelings to me, and I don't think I have ever experienced love at this level. I was so happy that the tears just came. Oh. to explain the next thing, I want you to know that we have talked, hypothetically about marriage several times in the past. but it was usually never in a fully serious tone, only half serious. but each of us was contemplating it. When he saw me crying, he embraced me so tightly, and with such warmth I felt at totally peace, at that moment, he whispered (and I still don't know if I was meant to hear t or not) that he had "finally found his wife". he pulled back from the embrace, looked so deep into my eyes that it felt as if he touched my soul, and right then and there, asked me to be his wife. I was soo taken aback that I couldn’t speak. I have never been proposed to, and wasn't sure how to respond. All I could do was smile one of the biggest smiles I have ever made, and I replied yes. He said that he was completely serious. no hypothetical at all. he also said that he would ask me again, but this time, would present me with a ring. I know that it could be a while before he can get up the money for that. but I am willing to wait for a man like that. I have never meat anyone quite like him. I have only been in love 2 times before. one lasted for 3 years. but it ended as an abusive relationship. the second was only a one sided love. He was leaving for the Marines, and didn't want to return the love because he knew that he would come out a different person. But both times cannot even compare to my feelings for Terrence. Now I come to my contemplations. I had plenty of time to think about my life and where it was going on the bus ride home. I know that I want to spend my life with Terrence, he and I share the same values, we are both religious people in our own ways. we may not go to church regularly, but we are both at peace with God and what He asks of us. I have never met anyone that was religious and not afraid to admit it, but he isn't overly religious to the point that I am disgusted. :O) We both have the same values regarding marriage. in effect, neither of us believes in divorce. Marriage is for all time, and if you marry a person then it is forever. "'til death do you part" I know that this could work. The biggest obstacle that I can see is the age gap. he is 28, I am 18. It hasn't posed a problem for us before, my mother likes him, and sees that he shows acceptable behavior, and treats me with the utmost respect. He never belittles me, or disregards what I say because I am young. In fact he looks up to me because I have set such high goals for myself, and will stop at nothing to achieve them. He also knows that I want to wait until graduation, or at least close to it, before I get married. And he knows how important Med-school is to me. He also says that he will not marry me until he knows for sure that he can support me. he is one of those chivalrous guys, that believes that a man should be able to support a family on his salary alone. but if his wife wants to work, or even makes more money than him, then he is all for it. he just wants to be able to know that I don't have to work. At the same time, he is giving me more support about being a doctor than any other person. including my family. One thing that bothers me is that he is 28 and still a waiter. I know that it is only temporary, he is working for a career in music, either with a band, as a musical engineer/producer, or as a teacher (he is one of the best drummers I have heard. and writes INCREDIBLE music. everything from piano pieces, to synthesized complete modern music. he can do it all!!!! I know that with my income alone, we can make it. even starting out, being a doctor will be able to support us. The problem could arise in the fact that we will be in debt for a while, paying off med-school, and it would be a shaky start. But of course all marriages start out financially shaky. I am also concerned that because he is so much older, and more ready to settle down, that he will encourage me to marry before I graduate. that would just be another added expense. By the time I graduate, he will be 31. I just hope that he can wait that long. he says that he can, and that he will, I believe him, but he may grow antsy as the years go on. Bottom line is that I love him, and will do anything in the world for him, but of course within reason. I also know that he would do the same for me, without even needing me to ask. I have never felt this way about any other human being. and I don't think that another love like this is possible. besides I don't want any one else but him. soo. Yes, I will marry him. and we will have beautiful children. We know that once this "honeymoon" feelings wear off. our love for each other will change. but as I know my love, I will still be there. by his side. I have never met anyone that completes me, and who I am, so perfectly as he does. not even my best friend. Terrence and I connect we realized this when we first met, and had our first deep discussion. In fact we connected to each other so well. that it scared both of us. and with reason. when you meet someone and the next week you can complete each other sentences. and already know what the other is thinking without them having to say a word, it can be a bit scary. But as we grew, we grew more comfortable with the idea. and now he is ready to marry me. my life couldn’t be more perfect, and I couldn't be any more happier. I am in love. and now, I am engaged!!

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5

I am really tired and bored right now. I am a really bad typist. I am so unhappy with myself, the way I look sometimes. I hate my body. I am in love with this guy and he says that I am beautiful, and goodlooking, but I don't believe him. I need to hear compliments though. Sometimes I wake up and I look at myself, and I like what I see, then I go outside, and I see all the other girls, how thin and tan they are, and I suddenly hate my body again. This boy doesn't even know that I am in love with him, and I haven't seen him in a few months, because he went to summer school here while I stayed at home and worked. every time I see him I fall for him all over again. But with distance, I slowly get over him, and think about him less. But he is always in the back of my mind. I feel so comfortable with him, like I can say or do anything and it doesn't matter. I think that he is perfect in that I recognize and accept his faults, and only want him to become more secure with himself. I think that he is a beautiful person. There are things I don't like, but I love him as a whole person, for who he is. And I hope I will see him again soon. I have thought about him since we said goodbye last May. I tried to get in touch, but it didn't work. And now he has a girlfriend and I think it is too late for us. It will always be the wrong time. But I can't stop loving him. Has it been twenty minutes yet, I don't think so. Oh well. I want to find someone that I can feel a friendship for that I could learn to love that would love me in return for who I am. That is why I love this Boy so much. We are such good friends, and he knows so much about me. He is a liar. I'm a liar. we are perfect for each other. Except that know he is in love with someone else, and has been with her. I want to be friends with her, but looking at her, I just don't like her, there is just something wrong with her. hopefully they will break up and he will realize he has no future with her. she is still in high school! wont graduate for two more years! she is a little girl. I think that time must be almost up now. Goodbye.

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10

Well today I can't believe I got on the wrong bus. I felt like such a nerd, but oh well I guess everyone has to learn somehow and every one makes mistakes. I can't believe how nice it felt outside today as compared to how hot outside it was yesterday. I am so hungry, I really wish they would have broccoli cheese soup for dinner but I know they won't. I guess I will just have a salad again. Even though I eat salad almost everyday I still cannot lose the 5 pounds I gained over the summer. Its not like anyone can tell but in the back of my mind I just know that I look so much bigger than I used to. When doing the pretesting earlier this week I couldn't believe all the questions they asked about eating. I can't believe that people actually can do that to their bodies. I am thankful that I do not have to worry about my body in that sense. I wonder what my boyfriend is doing right now. He lives in Vegas and it is so hard being away from him. I can't believe I have loved him for 5 months. I am so scared that he will stop loving me and all of a sudden realize that he can do so much better and leave me. If I had to see him at tournaments and he had a new girlfriend I don't know what I would do. He means so much to me but no matter how many times he tells me that he loves me and that he misses me I never believe him. He gets mad that I don't trust him but he should blame that on my ex-boyfriend not me. Oh well I guess if it is meant to be than it will be. I am listening to the saddest song called Butterfly Kisses, about a father and daughter. I have missed my dad and dogs the most since I have been gone. My dad is one of my best friends and he always knows exactly what to do. He is the only reason I want to do well in school, just to make him proud is the best feeling in the world. I wish I could tell my dad that I loved him but for some reason we never express those feelings. I know he loves me a lot because he pays for me to go to school and to fly all over the country to do taekwondo, but I wish it would be ok if I could hug him. Instead we always bow and shake hands, that's how you do in in taekwondo. He would do anything to make me happy and he even spent 100 dollars to change my flight so at fall nationals I could spend an extra day with my boyfriend. On the other hand, my mom and I do not get along so well all the time. I love her and when I was sick last weekend she came up and brought me soup and took me shopping, but I don't respect her because she can be very rude to people and when she gets mad she can be mentally abusive. It was horrible living with her when I was 13-17, by the time I was 18 I started fighting back and leaving whenever she would yell at me. My biggest fear besides dying is turning into her and yelling at my kids like she yelled at me. I don't know why my dad still loves her and how he can put up with it, it is not normal how she talks to him or me sometimes. She doesn't understand why I don't want her around my friends or my boyfriend but its because I don't want her to turn into that other person and yell at me in front of them because it really is frightening. My friend Matt just came over to distract me and prevent me from getting an A on this assignment which seems to have no real purpose, but maybe it will after I finish and turn this in.

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I really don't want to do this but I have to I was thinking about this assignment and how we have to write about what we thaink about for 20 minutes and I couldn't believe when people say that they are alwaays thinking somethimes I don't think that any thing goes through my head at all When it is really late at night I think that my brain has had all that it can take for the day and it just stops thinking because people ask me what are you thinking and I tell them nothing but they don't believe me and I really don't think that any thing was going on I was totally blank maybe I am totaly so tired that I don't realze that I was thinking something because I mean you have to be thinking something all the time I mean your brain is amazing well I don't know what else to say but my landury is dring right now and I doupt that it will dry all the waaay because the drier on my floor is not very good I totally was unpreparesd for this year being my second year I reamember last year I brought everything and this year I forgot every thing and I was having to borrow landry detergent from a freshmen to do my landury wow huh that is wierd you thaink that I would be more prepared but I not worried about it iit is fine that way I get to meet more people and I will bea able to buy some laundry detergent later and one daay when they are out they can borrow some form me Well my room isn't totally done and I want to clean it but I have to much other stuff to do I wish that Anna was really happy right now she is going trough a hard time and I want her to forget all this silly stuff and just trust that she will be alright I know that God will take care of her My boyfriend John is super cute I think He is so great My friend just came in and we are going to study the bible with me and Anna she is a sophomore her name Elanin I have a carpet it is great and she is asking what this nonsense is all about sna I am telling he r that it is for psycology she has a friend that went to Mexico and lived there I was born is in Mexico City but I am white skined I mean so I wonder if any one is going to really read this because that woudl be a lot of reading may be they make the TAs read it because they have to do it she barely saw Star Wars two weeks ago she is deprived ppooor hchild and I have seen them aall san I can't spell very good you see wow when will this end my friend Anna is here yeah that is great she likes the way my room looks I am explaining wat I am doing as well wow so the last time I did a lot of typing was in highshool for computer claass it was fun but I was never really fast so I barely made an A in the class and I am all about makeing good grades what else ama I thingkin hummmmm I donl't nknow I have action figures of luke sky waarker and I only have to typw for two moarwe minittwoi and my hands are tiyred can't you see I know you can so how are you doning computer I s it ahard being a computeer?????? everyobody always tellsyou what to do My name is spell coool because mey middle madmakl I am done

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20

My heart is beating so fast. that's probably not good. I'm actually getting . I just sprayed. nervous about writing this. I keep messing up on the whole typing aspect, so I have to stop and go back to fix things. deep breath. this music is so pretty. I wish I had an amazing voice like Alice Ripley. I totally just got a shiver from the notes they were singing. ohhh, her voice just squeaked, but it add emotion. That's so amazing. I just pooped my back, that feels all strange. geez, my computer just did this whole weird Sticky Keys, what was that? You should have chosen . such an amazing song. That note he sings, it's gorgeous but he says it as EWWWW instead you. that irritates me. I don't even now the words. If only he really loved it would. wow, that was amazing harmony. I hope that ticket stuff gets there. I want to be this part so bad, why aren't there any theaters auditioning for this musical. My jaw keeps popping. Why am I yawning so much? Nose, itch. That's so funny, Chris Noth totally looks like Sam the bald eagle from the Muppet Show. I guess I have to go help Kristin out tomorrow before. I don't feel good. class. That guy today was such an annoying, rude and evil little man. All condescending and all. I got to stop thinking about that otherwise I'll obsess over it, like I always do. I love that note. it's so high and she sings it so amazingly. I can't believe it's the same girl who sings the part of Ariel in the Little Mermaid. He doesn't love her, guys suck. I mean ya she was a Siamese twin, and you know, but I mean he loved her, but because he couldn't live knowing someone else was there he dumped her. I'm so cold. God, why do I keep yawning. I've only been doing this for twelve minutes. My hands are so cold. My nose keeps running. Ricola cough drops are so good. I need to clean up. Of course, I'm not the one shedding and leaving hair ever. on the floor, in the shower. it's so gross. He doesn't love you that's why he is hesitating. Ever time I listen to this, I still get emotional. It's so powerful, I don't know I just connect with them. I think it has something to do with the emotions that you can hear and almost feel through the singers voice and the music. Gosh, my eyes itches. or is it itches. hmmm. I don't know. Ewww, something total floated across the floor. could it be hair. I think so. I know it's definitely not mine. It's so gross. Why did Sarah come in here and ask if I was singing. She acted like I should be ashamed. I can never tell that harmony. I want to learn it so bad. These ant bites are really painful. They're all scabby. is that how you spell that. because I kept itching them. My stomach is all nervous like. it's because I'm all nervous about this assignment. and that stupid accountant jerk. I hate accountants. weird folk they are. I am totally finished with this assignment and I'm going to sing, and watch Much Ado About Nothing. yea!

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14

I just got back from astronomy class, I have an exam on friday and am pretty nervous about it. I got to really sit down and study for it if I want to do well. I am still kind of sleepy right now since i went to bed kind of late yesterday reading some Philosophy so I could be prepared for today's lecture. I am really concerned with getting really good grades here at the University so I can go on and become a success in life. In the near future I want to become a well known attorney in my home town, Laredo, Texas. I was here at the University of Texas during the summer and I must say it is quite a difference between the summer and fall semester. I guess the amount of people here on Campus is the biggest difference, where it went from 10,000 to about 50,000 from the summer to the fall. I feel it served me well, coming here to the Unversity getting a head start and seeing how things work around here. I hope to continue my studies here and then go on to Law school somewhere, i don't really care where, as long as its in the state of Texas. Oh, my grandmother just called, she is the best grandma in the whole world, she would do absolutely anything for me because am her pride and joy. I really appreciate everything she has done for me, she has always been there for me, whether it be for school, sports, or any or social gatherings. I am really excited, she called right now to ask if I would want to go to New York or Las Vegas. I don't know when, but I sure am excited about the whole thing, I m going to have to sit down and think about it for awhile because they are both really superb places to spend your vacation. My parents as well have played a major role in forming my character and who I am today. If it were not for them, I would probably no be here at UT. They have also encouraged me to do the best that my abilities will take me. They went to all my basketball games throughout my highschool career, they were my biggest fans. I can't wait to see me parents when they come on October 26, my mom's birthday and parent's day. That is also the day of a home football game for UT, I am really looking forward to seeing them and my grandparents when they come to visit me. Umm, my friends and I just got a Sony Playstation 2 a couple of days ago, we are always playing it now, it is one of the coolest things on the planet right now. Today, i have to go to the gym and play some ball because I ve been slacking off a bit, I usually play every day or at least try to if I don't have too much homework. I m probably going to go later on tonight after I study for astronomy. Right now, i m probably going to go get some breakfast downstairs, maybe some eggs, biscuits, and pancakes.

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30

I already miss Greg. I had forgotten how much fun we had together. Talking in depth ahbout philosophy and relationships. We also enjoyed playing cards and James Bond. I npticed Mark has taken a liking to Bond and he always plays it while on my bed. I can't belive he was sick and lying in my bed. All this and the fact that he can't make a joke well make me want him to hook up with Emily. They were made for each other. He does have a sense of homur thought. Atleast he isn't to weird a roomate. I do feel bad that I haven't taken out the trash yet. OIther than that I think I have been a good roomate. I think I made him jealous when Sarah and I were kding around. I could feel him shutting himself off from us and dwelling on his own sorrow that I am still convinced is caused by the fact that Emily and him are apart. I hope my relationship will prosper. Some changes need to be made on my controlling attention and Sarah trying to do the same. I don't belive the problems lie much more deeper than that, Altough I am looking at it from that perspective as well. I think if we continue to become aware of our prior mistakes happiness will prevail. We do have a good future if we have a liittle more personal attention and inner thought. I miss her now but I am glad she is out so that I may do my work including what I am doing now. I wonder if we will be able to eat together and if so, where and when. If O haven't heard from herr by 7:00 than I'll have a sandwhich here while I watch Simpson/X-Files and the inbetween, whatever the station decides needs a boast in ratings. I think it is so rediculous how most people will have little or only practical things toi do but will turn on the TV and zone out as they flip mindlessly thropught the same channels they just saw. If people would check out the TV schedule than maybe they could plan when to watch certain shows and when to do other tasks like reading a book of interest. Speaking of books, I have but a thousand to read. The Hobbit, Lord of the rings, that Star-Wars book, that buddism one, the Tenth Insight, The experiential guides and the Celestine Vision. I also want to read the bible for my own study and not because it was being forced on me. I don't believe in the present idea of God but see him more as just energy of which everything is made. Perhaps the tales will have some metaphoric meaning within my life as it has my parents. I still doubt that I will pick Christianity as my system of metaphors. I may actually be able to construck my own relegion with no influence from otheer religions that have meaning or scientific marrit.

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Right now I am sitting here. The washing machine is very loud. My nose is really stuffy. I really like that band brandston that I saw the othernight. they were really nice and really cool. I can't wait until I get to hang out with steven. I really missed him while I was in austin. stupid nose itches. I don't understand why randi and I seem to not be as close anymore. Its kind of sad. She has been my best friend for 5 years. Its really ironic that steven is now my best friend. who would have ever thought? "Don't come crying back to me. When you're lonely and all out of love" is a song lyric from brandston that is going through my head constantly causing me right now to basically only be able to think about that one specific song. Its a very nice song. Very simple, yet it manages to me a very interesting. I can't believe that I still have 17 minutes left to type. Its usually very hard for me to type stream of consciousnes, I've tried it before in a humanities class for some reason. I can't ever seem to really put what I'm thinking on paper. that's why its hard for me to write or keep a journal. I even lie to myself on paper. I wonder why. I also wonder why Mikey is the way he is with me. I can't believe I ran into him last night. He completely ignored me. That really hurts my feelings because we were really close. At least I thought so. I really need closure. I hate myself for not hating him. My nose is running again now. It's getting in the way of my typing. I am so stressed out right now about biology. The house is completely silent right now except for the washing machine. The dorm is never this quiet. I think maybe that's why I like the dorm. Because its loud. Ow, I just hit my ear that I just pierced. Its really sore. The pain only lasts for a split second though. Its not as hot here in amarillo as it is in austin. the weather here for labor day is perfect. I think I will go and walk my dogs. I just sneezed again. I am sick of sneezing. Stupid allergies. I need to print my chemistry notes and my chemistry homework. I also need to read chapters 3 and 4 for psychology. I am behind. I am so worried about my biology. I don't understand it and because of that I am not focusing as hard on my other classes. However, government should be easy. I've taken that class before. Psychology is fun, but I really do not know what to expect on my tests. I don't know how I will do in that class. I thought chemistry was easy, but apparently it isn't easy at all. someone is getting ice from the refrigerator. I can hear it. wow, does my mind really jump this much? that's really interesting. I guess I am sort of truly typing in a stream of consciencous. am I even spelling that right? I usually can spell. I feel like everyone else at UT is smarter than I am. I am not used to that. I'm always the smartest. No one here knows my reputation. no one knows that I am smart. But maybe I'm not smart. Maybe I am just lucky. My little puppy shinobi isn't eating anymore. Maybe its because of his shots he got yesterday. I really missed my dogs. zeb was very loving yesterday when he saw me. He licked me all over. I love dogs so much. but its ironic because my dogs aren't normal and don't show me the same amount of love dogs usually show people. other dogs like me more. just my luck. I had to explain what I am doing to my mom. this is all interesting. the fan is on now. my legs are cold. I think I'm sick. I want to listen to my new cd again. I can't believe that I got to talk to further seems forever and get put on the guest list for another show of theirs. too bad I didn't go. I can't believe mikey thought they were terrible when he saw them. oh well, he is probably just tying to be "emo" and all cool and is just saying that to be different and to fit in with the people that he holds up on a pedestool. why did I ever date a guy like that? and why am I still so attracted to such a stupid jerk? I hate people like him. why has he changed? my stomach is hurting now again. I don't like being sick. I need paper in order to print. and a USB cable. I hate that my printer doesn't work in my dorm. I brought it for nothing. I bought some new cartridge too. its all a waste. I can't return it. well for thanksgiving or something I will bring the printer home and have my dad try to fix it. being home doesn't feel like home really. just feels like I'm visiting. which is really what I'm doing. my nose is itching again, I think I am going to sneeze again. I feel like I've been typing for 2 hours. someone just opened something. I don't hear my dogs anymore. I wonder what they are doing. my stomach is still hurting. the air conditioner just turned on. I heard it. I don't usually hear these things. that's strange. my eyes are drooping. I'm tired. I haven't slept well for a couple days. Why does he hate me? I really wish I would just be brave and confront him. I always say I'm going to, and I really think that I am going to, but then I chicken out and if anything, I am extremely nice to him only to have him ignore me. further seems forever was so good the other night. the energy around me at the concert was so good. I was up in front. that was great. the new lead singer was great. I need to go to more places like that in austin. I just typed that sentence with my eyes closed. I am really falling asleep. my parents are talking. I can hear them. my dad is selling my car. that makes me sad because I really like my car. Even though I am getting a better car.

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26

So it's time for me to start writing this assignment and I'm really tired. I've been studying all day and my brain just can't take it I've decided that the brain must be like a muscle in that if you don't work it out regularly it gets out of shape. Right new my brain’s fat fat. But that's OK. I've started running and through running I'm going to learn more self discipline. It's really annoying the way the screen doesn't return automatically I wonder why the heck it doesn't do it. I guess it's some programming error but surely it can't be hard to do. I've decided that running is just a conversation. One between your body and mind. Your body says ,"Hey I don't feel very good can we please stop. " And your mind says "I know but we're almost there can you give a little more. Lately when I've been running I have been giving up before my body has too. This is further proof to me that my brain need conditioning. For the past year or 2 I have given up running for Aikido. I've decided to get back into running. Man this isn't very stream of consciousness. I wonder if anyone will ever read this. I seriously doubt it that's one big \ freaking class. But at least I know one pretty girl. Now that I think of it why the heck does this form ask for sex. I mean are they going to do some kind of statistical analysis or something? No way what could you do? count words? When I think of psy class I think mostly about the pretty girl I know in there. I'm helping her out with this computer stuff. I wonder if she has a boy friend. I wonder why I care. I sure don't need a girlfriend right now. This is the first semester of my new life with my new major. Don't need no girly distractions. I about an hour I'm going to see a movie with my home crowd . /We're seeing swingers. I like it because it's a "nice guy" movie. with realistic camera shots. Wow it's already been twelve minutes. Over halfway there. Man I hope the research part of this course doesn't take up too much time. I think it out to be extra credit or something. Maybe they should defray the cost of the course or pay us or something I hate being a free guinea pig How the hell do you spell guinea. I 'm sick of paying fees toot this university. When I was at UNT I didn't have to pay sooo many hidden fees. They always lurking around the corner. Today was a pretty good day . Except for playing the stupid video game before starting this I have been very productive. I went to a habitat for humanity meeting. Maybe I'll start doing that on Saturdays. I'm hesitant to commit though because this is my new and improved life. I hope my grades improve this semester or I'm just going to have to quit school or something. I'm kind of tired of school. I want to get my hand on the real world and start making a difference. It’s amazing how much I’ve been using the letter a and how terrible a typing job I have been doing. , It’s my roommates keyboard. It’s extra sensitive or something. I wonder why I keep cutting off the middle of words whenever I hit return . You'd think it would bee natural for me to hit return whenever I finish a word My fingers are cold. This room is 60 degrees. Man I wish they'd turn up the air.

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The first sensation I feel while beginning writing is the hard carpet of the dorms at dobie on my elbows because I'm lying on the ground with my laptop, but then again, at least the floors aren't wooden like the floors at the other dorms, so I really shouldn't be complaining. Also, my eyes are burning because I'm tired and want to go to sleep, I sleep a lot less in college because during the day there's constant noise and people and it's so much more fun to walk out in the hallway or go to the lobby and talk to people and see what's going on than to sit in my room and study, and since I don't study and do homework during the day I do it late at night when there are no distractions. If I stayed at Jester, I'd go to the library to get work done but I'm too lazy to walk from dobie to jester. This assignment is pretty easy and a whole lot better than sitting and doing my calculus homework which I have yet to do but I just looked at the clock on my laptop and it's only been 2 minutes since I've started and 30 seconds was when I got up to get a pillow to put under my elbows. My eyes are tearing now I don't know if tearing is a word, but they're getting watery from staring at this computer screen too long. I'm supposed to continue writing for 20 minutes straight and say what's on my mind and what I feel?? What if all I can think about is how I wish I was in bed, I think it's the music I'm listening to that's putting me to sleep. It's trance music, because that's what I have downloaded on my computer from Napster, I hope they don't shut down napster. The courts are right about how the people who actually made the music (my roommate just called, I got all excited that my phone rang this late at night, I'm not a nerd, it's just that, I think it's this guy I know in okok back to napster) the people who make the music don't get their share and I understand and Napster really should be shut down but I don't want it to because it's so nice to just type in the name of a song and there you have it, especially when they're old songs you haven't heard for a while. I love music, all kinds of music, it's the coolest feeling when a song brings back memories, or reminds you of people and events. It's 12:30 and I have to stop at 12:42, I hope I'm doing this assignment right because it's too fun,, it's kind of like a diary, maybe this could be our final??? Does the professor even read these essays that people write because I can't imagine reading 500 something essays about absolutely nothing even though those are the best kind, kind of like seinfeld a show about nothing that everybody loves. The music I'm listening to makes me think of illegal drugs, this is the kind of stuff people listen to when they're on ecstasy, it enhances the experience, I wonder why people need other things to have fun I understand it, but the world would be a better place if all the drugs were wiped off the face of the earth, but if that was going to happen, you might as well get rid of alcohol too, and nicotine and sugar and caffeine or anything that alters the mind, which is just ridiculous. Everything's here for a reason, I don't understand how people first invented and figured out stuff about drugs, I understand it when they grow out of the ground but stuff like pills, how were they invented did someone just put a lot of stuff together and try it and they found a combination that worked??? I'm scared for my younger sister, she's in the 5th grade, and there's so much going on now, with drugs and all, it's everywhere you go, and when she's my age, it will probably be so much worse, and so readily available, and curiosity is such a crazy thing, and no matter your willpower no matter what people always told you, you still want to try, and all the things we learn in elementary school about what to do and what not to do I think they bring in the whole forbidden fruit issue. I remember in 8th grade thinking "How can something be so powerful that it can make you do things you never would, and make you steal from friends, and make you feel so good that you would do anything to get it. I would try it, just once. " I can just imagine my little sister thinking like that. And you can't even shelter anyone anymore, because it's everywhere. You can't take her out of one school and put her in another, because it'll still be there, rich school or poor, minority or strictly white. It scares me to think about our generation in 50 years, because I can just see the damaged brains and the lung cancer and cirrhosis of the liver. Yuck I'm not even tired anymore because thinking about stuff like this gets me excited and ready to argue with someone. My twenty minutes are almost up and I could talk forever about what's on my mind, I always think about a lot of things which isn't really good because I can never fall asleep Ok that's 20, time for calculus

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I'm in the computer lab upstairs. I don't know what to write. there are a lot of people here. the computer next to me is broken but I don't know how. the guy who was sitting there earlier was kinda cute in a nerdy sort of way. some guy just walked behind me. there was a loud noise just now. don’t know what it was though. kinda scared me cause I thought I did something wrong and the people who control the computers would come after me and make me pay a million dollars for the entire system. wow the girl next to me got a long email. I got a few emails today. why do people wear socks with sandals? don't they know it doesn't look good? the computer screen is huge. I bet you a million dollars that this is the stupidest writing assignment you will get back from a student. I don't really measure up to the rest of the class. wow the girl next to me is typing really slowly. I'm in the I section. how come on some computers I and l look the same and they also look like 1. ewwwwww that girl should NOT be wearing something so tight. I've been at this computer for a long time. how come there are so many blonde people here. I wouldn't want to have yellow hair. I want headphones so I can listen to music. I'll bring them next time. I'd do this from my room, but I don't have my Ethernet set up because the computer store doesn't have any software there. recycling is weird. why don't they make it a law that you have to recycle. and if you don't recycle, you get fined like a million dollars. why do people read when they should log onto their computer? I mean, there are TONS of people waiting to use computers and then you have people like this who read instead of type. why do people sit at booths in the cafeteria alone? don't they have common sense? a booth is not for one person. it's for more than one person. that's why there are tables everywhere. so you can eat at tables alone in the corner instead of taking up a whole booth alone. there should be a law against that. I’d enforce it. Emily's boyfriend's name is Steve. that's my boyfriend's name. only her boyfriend is close by. mine is far. it's sad. she's going to go out with me and her boyfriend this weekend. she's gonna have sex with him. I want to have sex. but Steven’s so far away right now. I have a chem test on Wednesday. I’m scared. I think I’m gonna fail it. I have to study. tonight is Melrose place though so I can't study at 7. I’ll study after that. I wanna party. I drank too much coke today. i want water. I’m hungry. man it's cold here. how come my room is so cold? I want to change the temp but then it might be too hot. every place is freezing here and it's hot as hell outside. is hell a bad word? why do people think it's bad? and why is God Damn so bad? you can say ass on TV but not god damn? and who decided it was bad anyway? I wrote a high school essay about it one time but I have no idea. why are bad words bad words? who decided they were bad. I want glasses. I think it makes you look smarter if you get a good pair that is. the computer next to me is broken. that noise was loud again. same noise as before. green is a cool color. forest green though. not the crappy lime greens and other green colors. forest green. aha! I’m right under the vent. that's why I’m freezing. I can't wait for Melrose place tonight. I’ve been waiting all summer for it. do you think Amanda's gonna leave? she can't. she's my favorite. I’m glad Allison left. Billy’s a whiner. glad they killed Brooke off. ever watch 90210? it's stupid. why do they have Braille on the number things that say what station you're on? How would a blind person use a computer? I want email. I get a ton of it but I want more. I want real letters though. I want to go down to the mail place and be able to say "WOAH I GOT MAIL". :( This paper was a cool one to write. I wanna do it again but I'll have to wait until tomorrow. I skipped class today. don't know why. I was lazy. I need to shape up or ship out. I never liked that phrase. who wants to ship out? how can you ship out? we're all on land. not at sea. Steven’s joining the navy. I wish he wouldn't go. I want him to move here. why do people wear fanny packs? they're not flattering. too many sorority chicks here. we have 2 kappa deltas on our floor. valley girls. UT Austin Recycles. I don't. do they make the whole school do it? I love the smell of freshly done laundry. I did my laundry already but I want to do it again so it'll be all warm and smell good. I want to go to a party. I want to get drunk like on my vacation. not that drunk though. just drunk enough to have fun. wow that guy's cute. he looked at me. woo hoo. there are a lot of old people here. old old old. I wanna be older but I don't wanna get OLD. just hit submit and you'll get it huh? that's cool. I still have to find my way here one more time to write it again. wow so much fun. there are too mane people here waiting for computers. I should go downstairs next time. warning! when you log out all your files will be erased. duh. save em loser. psychology. how come every frat boy and sorority chick majors in psych? how many psychologists can the world have? did you know UT is the slacker school of the nation. I read that somewhere. isn't that cool? this place is huge. wow he's a hippie. what am I? normal. abnormal. quiet. loud. who knows? I’m me I guess. I’d like to know what other people think about me though. might be interesting. time's up. I gotta go check my mail.

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I am sitting here writing this on a Sunday afternoon. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 20 years old. I think I am going out to eat with my parents tomorrow night. It is sunny outside right now. I do not feel like sitting inside and working. I think this is cool how we can turn this assignment in over the web. I wish more assignments could be like this. In almost 6 and a half hours I will be 20. That sounds so weird to me right now. Last night I went to the Rage Against the Machine concert. It was pretty fun. I went with a bunch of friends. Sort of like an early birthday present. I am running out of things to write. I have a Spanish project to do after this. I still have Rage songs in my head from last night. There were so many people there last night. I heard that over 10,000 tickets were sold. It seemed like that many people were there. I am still tired from the show last night. I was disappointed that one of the opening acts for the show didn't make it. I wonder what I will get for my birthday. I already got a GoodFellas poster from one of my friends. GoodFellas is my favorite movie. I have the movie and seen it at least 40 times. I want to take a nap, but I have to much work to do. Hmm, can't think of what to type. I hope I get some money for my birthday. I guess I'll just have to wait till tomorrow to find out. Later I am going to call a friend of mine who I haven't talked to in a while. Last night I slept with my contacts on. I better go take them off after this. I don't think that is good for my eyes. So far the school year is off to a good start. I am seeing friends I haven't seen in a while.

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This is what I need to do. Type with my friends in the messenger its really ADDICTING. LMaoOO. Well I love to listen to music. Its really soothing for me and I fell weird with out it. I LOVE TUTY of BRazeros Musical( ; ; my favorite group) I wonder when they are going to come back. (this there one of there songs. Lloviendo esta y atra vez de la lluvia te llevas con tigo a la cuidad entera mis lagrimas no miras la lluvia las confuendedn y aunque yo este llorando por mi no te preocupes. Te esperare te esperare aunque no vuelas mas. Llenaste mi rtecuerdos a la cuidad entera. Y aunque yo se que nunca mas tu volveras. " Lagrimas y Llubia by Brazeros Musical. Who did I get backstage. It was all a rush. But am glas I did. I meet one of my favorite groups. They were nice. There performance was great. Although at the end they stinked musty and were all sweaty they were forth it. Armando and Junior were the cutest of them all. I was surprised that Luis recognized me. there is nothing special about me and well. He was remembered how my face looked like. I Hate this song put I cannot tell my roommate its from the 80s or something like that its OLD. "In the car wash. " maybe because I heard it for too long. Its a remix. Its lonely in my room. I have nothing to do but be here in the computer. Reflecting back on high school it was exciting but I wish we could've done better things to make it wonderful and more unforgettable. I Made it to PROM Court. I was Beaten by a girl That never attended school. How can all these people that don't go to school ever always pass and get better things then me and my friends. We were all great students. And never broke the rules!!! Its beb 11 mins and well I have a million things tuning through my head. I miss my family (as whole) because they went to MEXICO with out me. This the first year they do it and I feel left out. But am having a blast here in the University of Texas and I cannot ask for anything better. I Love Austin. This were I been living for 18 years. I think I love music because of this "The Live Music Capital of the World" music was everywhere I turned in the neighbors house, down in the drive through of McDonalds. In the Laundry thing and well my mom Loves to dance. Which leaves me think. What am I going to do with my obsession of taking pics of different artist that come and do concert. I love to meet them and makes my groups of friends grow more. "the artist" for most part are really down to earth and I look forward to every dance there is. Its Been two weeks since school started, yet our room still STINKS!!!!!! We cannot take the smell out. Being in the ninth floor. We cannot do much of it. plus were in the middle of Nowhere land stuck in a Corner were no body comes an visit us. That's good in some part because we can study and listen to music as high as we want to and none says anything. Its sunny outside its not HOT like it usually is. I love it when it rains but there is also going to rain. That little breeze of air that vlows thriugh my hair is unbelivable. I love that smell of wet grass as well. UMmmmmmmmmmmm. So one did PoPcoRn and I smell it all the way over here. 10,9,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 sorry I got distracted by the timer less then am done. It been distracting since it started

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College isn't at all what I thought it was going to be. MAN, that French class is really kicking my but right now!! But, I'm determined to suck it up and get through it with a decent grade!! I feel so insignificant compared to John, he probably has no idea what it feels like to feel so behind everyone else! But of coarse, I would never let on to that around him. I really can't wait till I finish this semester and maybe next semester I will have a better experience. I really think that 17 hrs for a freshman is a little too much, especially for me. I really feel like I cheated someone out of a spot well earned here at UT. I don't feel like I'm smart enough to be here. But I'm sure that I'm not the only person that had those thoughts every now and then. I really just hope I can keep a b avg so I can keep that scholarship!!! I should probably make French a pass/fail class. I'm just so jealous of people that catch on to language so quickly and leave students like me in the dust!! Ah. I should just be glad that I have the opportunity to explore myself here instead of griping about it 24/7. And MOM!!! she can't keep her mouth shut. If I wanted John to know I wasn't feeling very confident then I would have told him!!!! But of coarse, he calls and says, "mom said you couldn't handle your FR class. Well, just remember that school is your job!" I know JOHN!!!!!!!!!!! he just doesn't understand that I have too much pride in me to admit that, yeah, I was crying to mom that I really didn't know if I could keep up in French! I hate it when he sees that "failing" side of me. I want to be as invincible as he is. And that's impossible. I can't live up to his example!! There's no way I'll graduate first in my class here at UT like he did and get some awesome job in new York that pays more money than I've ever seen at once!!! It sux having a brother that had scholarships that paid all of his college expenses with money still left over!!!!! He amazes me. Maybe that's my problem is I'm trying too hard and wasting all my energy to impress him! Its not Mom, I know she just wants these years to be the best years of my life, but john wants them to be my JOB!!!!!! What the hell!!!! Can I not have a normal family that just is happy and supportive of me and understands that I am an individual that will do and accomplish different things than they ever did in different ways than they ever thought of!!! Maybe UT's not for me. Maybe I'm meant to be at some rinkydink community college, where not that much is expected of me!! But no. That's not me. There's just something in me that won't let me settle on average

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Coincidentally I always manage to surround myself with strange characters that unfortunately seem to have no passion for life, with the exception of a few. I seem to notice that the majority of people are concerned with the trivial, the meaningless the absurd. Fitting into societal norms seems to dominate my generation. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to fulfill my existence to the maximum without leaving pout my loved one's or those who do not seem to pursue the same spiritual quest that I seem to be challenged with. The awakening of this dream has led me to search more "myself". Where should I begin? It is rare when I feel somebody is listening or understanding where I come from. These strange characters which I always seem to attract are convinced that their perspective on things is the only thing that matters and that the phenomenon of life is something one should get over, move on, think about something else like how you are going to succeed in life. I live in a dream state where the symbols of nature are constantly confronting me leaving me confounded and in awe but how do I move past that in order to fulfill and answer many of my questions which at this point are leaving me insatiable. Lately I've been paying attention to my dreams. I've noticed a pattern of dreams THAT LEAD OR SIGNAL TO A HIGHER SOURCE , BEING, STATE of consciousness. I can't contemplate the beauty, the colors, it all seems so supernatural and nobody seems to understand much least care about what they're. I've also had a couple f nightmares where I am constantly being watched and followed by a large amount of males. I guess I have difficulty and although I ashamed about this, I have a hidden fear of the male gender. I look around and I see a patriarchal world that insists on leading me to believe that everything is difficult and only the very best, the smartest will survive and coincidentally most of them happen to be men. Anger dominates this thought, all my life I've been able to pull through "waking up" has made me realize that we are in "deep shit'. I mean I walk into my college chemistry class and this beautiful blonde woman is teaching this class of about 500 people and I am in awe. Why is it so difficult to contemplate that a woman does have the innate ability to do science. This woman reminds me of myself. I am mad at myself for finding myself noticing the fact that she is female. I question how she is treated by her male dominated colleagues. Do they underestimate her, how hard does she have to work in order to prove herself, and if she were ugly would it make a difference. It is too difficult to overlook these questions I face them everyday. Constantly have to prove myself and I am sick and tired of the preconceived notions that people have about women

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I guess I have no started my 20 minutes of writing for the psychology class. As I'm writing I keep on looking at the clock to see what time it is to see when I'm supposed to finish typing. I think about what I was thinking in class when you talked to us about this HW and how I wanted to talk about certain things while I was doing. But actually I start thinking about what happened tonight. We all hung out with the fraternity and just bonded by going to dinner and then going to just talk and catch up on everything we did over the summer and afterwards we played capture the flag. I wish my roommate would listen to better music. After capture the flag we all decided to go swimming instead of capture the flag because we had all gotten tired. We put it to the vote and that's what we ended up doing. Afterwards our President asked us to make this a dry event. I support him 100% because one I don't drink, two I don't think that it is necessary to drink to have a good time, and three I think that all the points that he made were very strong. My roommates had a problem with it because we are all part of the executive board and we thought that before saying that he should have asked us all instead of doing it by himself. I think that they are wrong anyhow because as President I think that Ted did the right thing in telling us not to drink and I don't think that there was a need for him to consult us. It was an executive decision. I'm debating whether I should go outside to the pool with everyone else when I'm done with that. I was supposed to get together with a friend of mine tonight but we have been playing phone tag so it's not going to happen but I will see her on Monday so I'm still happy. This weekend I have lots of things to do. I'm running through my schedule for the weekend. Tomorrow I have to meet for lunch with a friend and afterwards we are going to the lake to just hang out. I keep on thinking about what else I'm going to write and how interesting this paper really is. I have never really sat down and typed everything I'm thinking but at the same time many of my teachers have always told me that I type just like I think; this causes my grades in grammar to be much lower. My leg really hurt because me and one of my roommates were messing around and we both deadlegged each other. But after the pain that we have both caused we have promised each other that we will never do that again. We'll see if we actually will keep it but I think we will. I'm the only one in the apartment right now cause everyone else is outside. I think about everything else I could have done tonight but in all honesty the last thing I really wanted to do was to go out and actually do something. I am very happy with the way that the evening turned out even though I would still have liked to see my friend tonight. I kind of like this girl but I'm not sure. She's cute and everything but we haven't really gotten to know each other well enough to where I can say that I like her but I do think that she's kind of interested. I also think about my friend who is coming up from Southwest next week to come see and how she's going to spend the night. We have been friends for a long time and we get along great. But the thing is that we both have really flirty personalities so I'm kind of wondering if anything is going to happen. I know that it can't be too much because I have a lot of selfcontrol but at the same time I don't want thing to get weird or to have a girlfriend right now. If anything happens it will just be maybe a little cuddling here and there or maybe a kiss. We will most likely end up sleeping in the same bed but we'll see. I have the full intention of not having sex. I never have and never will until the day I get married. I have thought about being a priest for a long time so I'm just waiting for God to give me my call and I will follow His will. I really hope that he hurries up though cause I don't have a lot of patience. I think that I have a lot of qualities but patience is not one of them. I can be patient for certain things but I just hate waiting for people to give me an answer. I know that God doesn't count in that but I try to hurry Him up. One of my friends told me this summer that if you ever wanted to make God laugh all you had to do was to tell Him your plans. I'm wondering whether this will mean anything to you guys. I guess that it all depends on whether you are Christian or Catholic or simply don't believe in God or have another religion. I realize that there are a lot of people here at UT that simply doesn't believe in God and I think that that is really sad because they are missing out on a great part of life. I keep on looking at the clock and seeing how much time is left. I wish that everyone would be able to believe in God and receive the Eucharist everyday. It is the most amazing gift that God gave us. It's sad how some people just ignore God or sometimeseven laugh in His face. This was what I originally wanted to talk about when I was thinking about what I was going to write in this paper. I thought that it would be great thing to think about because there is so much that I can write on but then I realized that I couldn't do that because it would have been planned. So I decided to kind of clear my mind and just speak my mind. For the most part I think that it worked because as I think back of all the things that I have written for the past 20 minutes I have gone through various different topics. Ranging from drinking, to girls, to God. I think this was a really cool experiment and that other people should do it because it is a great way to realize what is going on in your head but also to help you put what goes through your mind in words. I realize that the time is up and that I no longer need to be writing but I'm also going to stop because my hands are really hurting. I notice that I almost finished a complete page of writing.

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11

Well i just got back from Houston, where i live. It was weird going back. Kind of like this isn't my home anymore, even though Austin isn't my home. It's just my temporary home. It's weird though seeing my parents, knowing that I won't see them for a long time. It was good to see them again. I hope I'm not going to make myself too crazy up here with school. School is my number one priority. I want to have a good life after this, i don't want to end up in a job i hate. Hopefully i figure out what i want to do with my life. I don't know if i want to teach, or work for a record label, or write for the rest of my life, or do something with crime scene investigation. I think being a criminal psycologist would be a lot of fun. I bet it would never get boring! I just hope I'm not getting in over my head with this class. I've always been interested in psycology, and how people act and why, and what causes it, but I'm afraid i will be over my head. Hopefully not. It seems like it will be very intersting despite the hard work I know will come. It's very strange being in a class that's so huge! I'm used to being in classes with no more than 30 people. I guess all freshmen are though. I still feel like I'm kind of out of place sometimes here. Luckily I've been making friends with the people on my floor. Everyone here seems really cool. There are a few girls down the hall that are soo cool! I could see myself being friends with them for awhile. I hope so at least! Everyone here seems very nice and friendly. (At least the people on my half of the floor does. ) The other side seems very anti-social. We all have our doors open on this side of the floor, but I never see any of their doors open down the hall. It's strange, but i don't really miss many of my friends. I don't think this makes me a bad friend, I just think i was ready to separate from them. Some of them at least. But I thought I was going to miss some of them SO much, but in reality, I don't miss many of them. Especially some of the friends I was supposedly best friends with. I sometimes wonder if I'm missed. I wonder if I was as good of a friend as i thought I was. I don't know. One of the girls down the floor just got back frlom out of town. She's one of the girls i think i could be good friends with for awhile after this year. She's a lot like me! Surprisingly. It's hard to find people who don't really drink, and have more fun just hanging out, and going bowling, or going to the movies, instead of going to a frat, or a big party. It's cool though that she's like that. It's nice to find someone who likes the same things you do, especially when they're so uncommon around college kids! I've only been back for a few hours, and I don't miss my parents! I thought i would miss them more. I think this means I'm grown up now! haha, grown up. That's weird to think. I don't feel like I'm grown up. I still feel like the same old nerd from Houston. haha. I finally threw my flowers out that were sent to me, and washed the vase. They were starting to smell a little funky. Danielle, my roommate just got back from the grocery store. I hope she bought good food! hehe. The food here is pretty good though, surprisingly. Not like home, but good enough to eat. Some of it is really good though, you just have to pick the right things is all. I could talk about food all day! haha. I can't wait to watch Sex and the City tonight with some girs from the floor. Since we don't get HBO here my mom taped the last 2 episodes and I brought them abck for all of us poor girls with no HBO! Hopefully Emily gets back from dropping her boyfriend off at SW in not too long. I have an early class in the morning, and i don't want to miss it. Especially since it's a class of 14 people, it would be hard to go unnoticed. I think it will be a fun class. It's Jazz and Literature. I love listening to jazz, but there's going to be a lot of writing and reading. Hopefully the writing will be fun. I love creative writing and writing like this, just writing whatever comes to my head. But essays and stuff aren't that fun. I don't know anyone who likes writing them though. My rhetoric class is going to be a lot of that not fun writing though. Yuck. Oh well it's a class I have to take. Hopefully I'll enjoy it though. Otherwise it's going to be hard to drag myself to the class every Tuesday and Thursday.

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28

I am sitting here at Hardin House, boy I am so stressed out. I have these two writing assignments for psychology a whole bunch of pre-cal homework and tons of reading to do for Biology and Sociology. this sorority stuff is starting to take up way to much time. I really don't like the feeling I am getting when I am set up with a date because it makes me feel like I am cheating on my boyfriend. I know I shouldn't feel bad since I am just being friends with them and nothing more it just really bothers me sometimes. I really don't feel like going out tonight because I still think I am sick from yesterday. I need to go and call my mom and dad since I haven't talked to them in about five days I am just way to busy. I think I really need to work on some major time management skills because I am worried about getting behind and I want to get 3 As and 2 Bs so I can start off good before my classes get too hard. I am really excited about UT vs. OU weekend I hope that Jaycob can go so that I don't have to go with some random guy. I wish it wasn't the same weekend as my schools homecoming so that I could go home oh well. I need to take a shower and get ready for the KA mixer and try to read and definitely watch 90210. That was 20 Minutes. THANK YOU! HAVE A NICE DAY!

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Well, the writing assignment, its 11:50 right now, and I have to write a writing assignment for my psychology class which I absolutely do not see a point in writing this paper. I'm extremely tired from working out and playing basketball, and my stomache is very empty as of now. A few chocholate chip cookies with milk would be nice. Hey, this PCL is full of asians, and right in front of me is My friend Michael's sister, Sorry, I had to pause for a few second to stop and to talk with them. They're pretty cool, she thinks that I talk too loud. well screw her. I wonder if we could use inappropriate languages in this assignment, because my stream of consciousness is one thats pretty dirty and filled with foul language. I better not cuss. Its 12:00, and its very interesting that my brains could only output 10 lines of useless junk in 10 minutes. I feel like that I'm not using my brain to its full potential. Or Maybe I'm just a very slow typer. Damn, my wrist hurts, I'm so glad that I only have 2 classes tomorrow. Intro to western music is such a crappy class. I thought it was suppose to be a blow off but its not, and its pissing the living (explisive) out of me. I'm tone deaf, I'm dumb as hell when it comes down to music, and I'm plain retarded when I have to distinguish the difference between a duplet, triplet, or quatriplet. In my opinion, not that it really matters in the bigger scheme of things, but its still best to be aired out, is that music should be enjoyed by an individual, not to be dissected into grammarical structures. The class kinda reminds me of "Dead Poet Society" how the text books actually graphs the meter and accents of the poem. Music, like poetry, suppose to be heard by the heart not interpreted by the brain. When I hear Beathoveen's 5 th symphony, I can't tell the meter and texure of the piece, but all I know is that My heart are soaked with energy that makes the musical experience quite elemertary yet much more enjoyble. I guess I should quit my bitching to that class, since its I, myself who signed up the class without any foreign intervention nor pressure, so who should I blame but myself. I just saw Andrew's friend walking in the liabrary. Why didn't I say hello, just because the way he looks, is he not cool enough. When we went to that frat house last weekend, I feel like that he's such a burdensome tag-along. Yet would some of my other friend feel the same about me?? Its very disturbing, how I'm disgusted by all those people who think they are too cool for certain peeps, yet I fall under the same disgusting catorgory which I loath. It's so confusing, when I heard from Say that He's not coming to the thursdsay mixer, I was some what relieved. relieved of what?? of people not thinking that I'm a cool frat boy, beacause of Richard, but who really cares what those Lambda thinks? or those skanky Katie Phi girls think??? Why do I care so much about what other people think, instead of thinking for myself and doing something that I know is right. It bugs me how I proclaim my self to be a "genuine" nice guy, when I can't even perform the easiest task of bring somebody along with me and having a good time with him. Damn, I'm so freaking superficial and it annoys the heck out of me. "To really discover yourself, before discovering that really special someone" Right now, I don't think I deserve her. I just hope that she doesn't come right now, and wait for me to mature and evovle into a better person. The loud, oversized vacumm cleaner is distracting my flow of thoughts, and my brain kinda froze for a sec. I think those few clear moments where you're brain is not thinking anything at all, is one of the healthiest state a human can be. Well, as another vacuum cleaner joins the Library noice parade, I shall conclude this essay. I have to admit though, despite my early feelings, this assignment has some enjoybal value to it, and I'm actually kinda glad that I'm given this blank sheet that I can send my thoughts, into the void of carelessness, and its rather refreshing. I bid you farewell. (though I don't know who I'm bidding to) Its 12:15.

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24

This is a really strange writing assignment. it's hard to write to keep up with your thought s. the U. s open is on tv right now, Serena Williams is playing Monica Seles. I'm not really sure who is winning but they look like pretty even competitores. Serena is eighteen and she is really improving while Seles is getting older now and she isn't as good as she use to be. It's really hard to make myself do all of the work for colloege. There is really a lot of reading and I'm having trouble deeping up. My mythology class has a lot of reading and its pretty boring so I end up putting it off. I really just do the work that I know I'm going to get quizzed over soon like in Calculus and Eco. Calculus is eadsy though because last year I learned al ot in Mr. Romano's class and the new teacher is just explaining the same old stuff. Psy is really interesting in class but I haven't read much for it because I took Psy last year in high school and we used the same book. So hopefully that will help me make good grades in it this year. I have so much reading to do for muythologe because we have a quiz on tuesday and it is going to be so hard because the teacher thinks that it is so interesting an that we remember like everything she says or assighns. The horse sale this weekend is going to be really fun. I hope we find another one like eden that will only sell for her broodmare value. I hope Shug agrees to take Cerise and Souther n I've. But if he doesn't then I guess that Cristophe will and he is a good trainer. It is so annoying that Southern Ivy's Jockey didn't listen to us in the race. He should have held her back at the beginning but he had to try to be a hotshot. She should have won. Oh well, she is only two now, I hope she has a lot more races ahead of her. She could be really good once she gets sorted out. I can't beleive that Anita's foal has such bad back legs. It seems to happen every time when we breed to an outside stallion. I hope Brittany isn't too mad that I blew our meeting off today. But I just really wasn't in the mood to hassle with all the traffic and everything, besides, I didn't even understand the directions to the place. Oh yes!!! its already been twenty minutes.

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I am beginning to write this assignment and I'm thinking that is a pretty big waste of time. I'm already bored and I don't like it. I can smell the bread I got at la madelines and it smells pretty good. I don't normally eat there so it was a treat and I was there with a good friend so it was pretty fun. my friend/roommate just flushed the toilet and I think it sucks down pretty hard. alright only eighteen minutes to go. the more I smell the bread the more I want to eat it. it smells really good. the tv is on right now and it is on mtv, the voice of our generation. I was watching a show on christina aguilara and realized how gorgeous she really was when she dresses normally. man I'm hungry! I got to say I want to pierce my lip. the more I think about it the more I want to do it. I think it would so cool. and I want a tattoo. too bad my dad is anal about stuff like that. oh well, one of these days. we better beat the hell out of arkansas next saturday or I'll be pissed. my friend made me laugh because he heard this commercial for the dumbest movie ever, malibu's most wanted. I could go for some cereal. my mom's in europe on a cruise right now. queer eye for the straight guy is the dumbest excuse for television ever. what a waste of time that was. they don't even dress like straight guys. they are really gay and there style sucks. jimmy fallon is a funny guy I met him in new york. it is weird how peoples minds drift. I wish I could be a professional assassin. not even a ninja assassin, just one with a cool silenced gun. I don't know why. it just seems cool. to take care" of evil men. like in the boondock saints, the greatest movie ever. I hope I get to run track in the spring and I make the team. that would be like a dream come true. I would be a college athlete. that would be neat. and all the ladies love that. I think music is a great thing. I hope I find a bassist for my man while I'm here and we can play a show here at emo's. this is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. beyonce knowles is a good looking' woman. I don't know why she likes jay-z. to be famous would be nice, but to be a doctor would be nicer because I earned that. good charlotte sucks. they are terrible live and I don't get why people like them. the guitarist isn't even good. I'm half way done. that is nice to know. my mind is being strained. the texans one today and they beat the dolphins. that is awesome because some thought the dolphins would win the super bowl. we'll see about that. texas football rules. my old high school one its first game of the season yesterday and they did well. my little brother one his first high school of his career and he was pretty proud. He is on the a team and that is a big deal. blah blah, that is what my mind thinks. its neat to see what people can think of. I need to buy some milk for my room. I could go fro some cocoa-cocoa dyno bytes. they are so good, and chocolaty. mmmmmm. delicious. instant messaging is an interesting concept in these connected times of ours. that would suck to be a worm. have no legs and what not, I need to get xp for my computer so I have word, excell and power point. that would be nice. only six minutes to go. I don't know why people love asses so much. its kinda gross when people think about what they really are. chris rock is pretty find. he just has a really big mouth and I'm surprised he hasn't gotten beaten up. it was jack black's birthday not too long ago and he is really funny. I just started showing my friend how to play the guitar and she is doing pretty well. probably because she knows how to play the violin. david blaine is the most amazing street magician ever. the olsen twins are worth over a billion dollars. rock music is the best sort of music because I can get into it more I think. rap isn't real music. just like good charlotte. I like evanescence because that girl is hot and linkin park is good because they are different. the white stripes suck however because that girl can't drum to save her life. it is interesting to see how people interact. I don't know why. maybe that is why I want to be a psychiatrist. I'm trying to spell correctly on this and I don't know why. maybe so you can understand what is being typed on this crazy assignment. linkin park won the best rock video award. it was interesting. I don't know why. that band has a lot of asians in it. metallica is a well received band because they are good. I could never be a typical rock star because I can't think I could be that mean to people.

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30

My mind is pretty tired right now, but I can't get it off of having a good dark cup of coffee. I have gotten all of my work for this week done already so I'm at ease about that. Whenever I type I have to look at the keyboard so it kind of pisses me off. Now I'll let my mind wonder, I sometimes think of home and all of my trashed out friends there. Have you ever wished you could help a person you care about a lot, and they just won't listen to you? Well my friends back home have been doing drugs heavily for a while and I cannot do anything about it. In a time where controversy and sex sell the theme, it's hard to decide which is the winning team. There are just some things in life we can't understand, like why in the hell we can fight over land. I think we all need a helping hand, so we can rise together and make a stand. At a time perfectly linked to your transition can you even tell me your position? No because 90% of us don't even listen and make the right choice for our provisions. I see a new generation with many faces. Bringing together people from many different places. I think discrimination is in our past, but I do not know how long that thought will last. It is a society we ourselves cast, and sometimes it seems like a supernatural blast. To think of all our generations drugs, hell I myself have been associated with thugs. But still we have a consensual love, and I don't even think it comes from above. My thoughts and feelings always rhyme so prepare yourself because it's my time. Fuck all of the bullshit and fabrication, for we are the ones who'll shape this great nation. So I do have a proclamation What do we do without an education and occupation? In a time when money and power mean everything, how in the hell do the bells of freedom ring? Sometimes I wonder about our future in store, and if we'll still neglect the poor. We have so many people locked in cells, it's almost as if we're under a spell. Cast by our so called forefathers, and I seem to be the only one it bothers. For evolution will always take its toll, look back at how we burned the totem pole. Who will burn us and how will we know? Until we're allowed to run our own show. Everyone is so quick to judge, and even quicker to hold a grudge. Just because we all have different views, doesn't mean we cannot find a use. So even though this shit won't sell, when will we wake up and demolish this hell? Our constitution is all of our rights, but it is changed everyday in the supreme court lights. Who are they to decide the meaning? I think we all see to which side it's leaning. Leaning towards more control over us, I think about it sometimes so much I want to bust. So when I say this I will not blush, Why are we in such a big fucking rush?

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21

I woke up this morning and I'm thinking. "Where am I?" And then I realize that I'm at A&M. I was so upset last night because I left after class got out at 6:30. Then everything went wrong. The trolley cart fell off the steps and all of my stuff went crashing to the ground. I got in my car and the needle was practically buried to the red empty sign so I stop to get gas, then I decide that I had better eat something because as soon as I get there everyone will be ready to go out and I will be starving as usual and afterward no one will want to stop and get poor little old me anything to eat. And boy was I right. Audrey says it will only take and hour to an hour and a half to get here. Yeah right. Try two and a half. Someone goes off and gives me the wrong directions that takes me all the way to Hempstead! I was so mad at myself because I finally make it here, but I don't have directions to Gayle's or Audrey's or their phone numbers. I found Audrey's and Ginger answered which was exactly what I didn't want to happen. She bothers me. We used to be friends, but then I don't know what happened, it's like all of a sudden, the only thing that she cared about was who she was around and how much she could be seen doing thins with Natalie and Amy. But now that she's up here all by herself she sure decided that Audrey and Gayle and I were perfect people to be her friends AGAIN. I just don't know I mean that I don't like that I feel that way as far as the fact that she just gets on my nerves, but I don't like being mean. I will tell her how I feel, now, because she doesn't seem to have a problem being rude and snotty to me. I went to Audrey's and I wish I had a house like Gayle or an apartment like Audrey & Ginger. It's nice and filled with a lot more space than my dorm, but then again I kind of like The Woo. Aurora and Raya are so nice. They take care to notice if I'm upset about something and they talk to me about it. It just doesn't make me feel any better to know that their mothers don't call them EVERY NIGHT AFTER NINE O'CLOCK JUST BECAUSE THEY JUST HAPPENED TO GET ONE THOUSAND FREE MINUTES ON THEIR PORTABLE PHONE. It's not that I don't like my mother calling, but she calls all the time and tells me to go to bed of all things. Little did she know that I have stayed up until 3:oo every night since Monday, and last night we got home at 2:30 but didn't go to bed until 4:30. I don't know what she is thinking because she actually could not believe that people stay up until all hours of the night studying. I had to let her in on a little secret. All of those nights she thought I was asleep, I wasn't.

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12

okay, this is an interesting assignment. what to write about, there is not much to say. I want to go back home because I am not having to much fun here. I miss my friends and want to sleep in my own bed. keeping in touch takes up a lot of time. oh well asdfjkl;asdfjkl;jjjkl;asdfjum, alreight this is wierd. what am I going to talk about for twenty minutes. ? well, the food here is really getting discusting, the other day I could have sworn there was a finger in the hotdogs. it made me want to puke, man only three minutes have passed. hmmmmmmmmm. I want ot go home. I just got back yesterday also. I only like the freedom here, it sucks not having a car. I went home and it felt really weird to drive. my rroommate is kind of getting on my nerves, she hasnt done anything but she is just getting on my nerves. she never cleans up and is always on the stupid computer. it just gets on my nerves. like today, she threw away a milk carton in the trash, well if I hadnt have taken the trash down the hall it would have started to smell. also, I'm the only one who brought any functional things. I brought the tv, vcr, answering machine, stereo, vacuum, curtains, rug, etc. she just brought a bunch of junk to clutter everything up and put on my tv. I guess I should stop complaining, but it is really starting to bother me. I might start sounding selfish also, but she doesn't share much and I of course have to let her use my stereo and tv. I also am the only one that really cleans, this is just bothering me. ot has only been eight minutes. abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz I have never done the alphabet on the keybourd before. abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz how fun:) well, this day sucks. I'm still tired and I just took a two hour nap. I only have one class today and its from 8-9:30 so I have the rest of the day. I really need to do my math homework, I can't stand the professor. he is not very good at teaching. ahhhhhhhhhhhh I'm so anoyed. I feel like I am writing a letter. okay, when is this instant messenger thing going to finish downloading. its taking forever, I only want to talk to my friends online. no one is ever really on thoukgh so it doesn't really matter. man, I should have brought my discman. I am never going to catch up on the readings I am supposed to do for english and biology. I missed last friday's bio class because my stupid alarm didnt go off. I had set the clock wrong so it said pm instead of am. I felt so dumb, so now I have a buinch of notes to catch up on. !@#$%^&*() HDJHHFGHLKJHSDjljkLKJHFHFHFNVJDUEKASKJDHFUKTHJLKASJHDHFHFH only seven more minutes?????? okay, I still have bio to read, english to print out, and I still have to finish the survey online for this class. maybe if I type slower the time will go bye more quickly. alright, I can't wait till this weekend because I will have more free time, I really need to meet more people. this is not really helping. :) :(:) :( :) :9:0 messed up -------+++++++++++++============= I wonder if you can draw pictures == == * ------------- @ its a face sticking its tonge out, how cute

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15

At my high school I graduated with a class of 23, and most of my classes were comprised of 5 to 10 students. Sitting in an auditorium with over 400 other students is hard to get used to. I try to sit close up to the front of the class so I don't see all of the hundreds of students behind me; I think it helps. All in all, I think I am going to enjoy "college life". However, all of this studying is going to take some getting used to. I don't think I have read so much of textbooks my whole life. Also, I find the e-mail thing a little confusing. I didn't have e-mail at my school, and I wasn't online at my home computer so I am not up to date on all the terminology. I know I shouldn't be, but I am kind of ashamed to ask for help just to send an e-mail message. I am under the impression that most people who come into these libraries know just what to do, even though I am sure some people are even more in the dark about the whole online thing than I am. ( I hope! ) Lately, I find computers really frusterating. I am trying to get into the pretesting page for Psych. class, and this computer keeps telling me that the user is down. I have already completed part of the Pretesting survey, and I clicked done after each section so I hope it saved my work. Every day after my classes, I feel like I have a million things to do before the next morning, and sometimes I realize I get too stressed out over nothing. I'm learning to slow down and take everything one step at a time, instead of trying to do everything at once. I have also learned that if I write things down I will remember to do them, and I won't get stressed out worrying if I have forgotten to do a certain assignment. Although I was a little worried after the first day of classes, I don't think college will be so bad as long as I keep up with my homework like I plan and don't procrastinate like I became so accustomed to in high school. I like it that my classes are somewhat spreadout as far as class times go. This gives me time to experiment with the computer, and try to get some homework done. I hope after my next class, the city has the water fixed at my apartment. Last night really sucked because a water main broke and we were left without water, they cut off the water without even telling us. My roommates and I had to drive to Taco Bell last night just so we could use the bathroom and brush our teeth before bed. And for this morning we had to use our bottled water to brush our teeth. I never thought about how helpful water is until we didn't have any.

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Hi, I have no idea what I'm going to write but who cares, here goes. I'm right now sitting in a small computer lab down in the base ment of Jester West, across the where I now reside, in Jester East, doing a writing assignment for Psychology on what comes in to my mind first. Well, my mind is filled with stuff that's definitely not very much to do with a psychological sense. I've been away from books and studying for 2 3/4 years now, and 1 week into UT and 5 classes and 16credit hours later, myhead is sent reeling from the amazing amount of work that I have to do right now. I've totally forgotten everything to do with math and calculus is being thrown onto me at an amazing speed and at an extreme difficulty for me to comprehend. Basically, travelling halfway round the world to get hit with books that send you into unconsciousness is definitely not the nicest feeling to have at the moment. And the books. i have never seen paper cost so much in my entire life! Damn, now I know why americans are so rich. Nah, it's all understandable to me, it's just the matter of settling down into a different environment, and making myself a new circle of friendsfrom scratch. Not much in my mind now but complaints and angst now I guess, but it'll be definitely back to my books right after I complete this assignment, and maybe the next. Thoughts, Ithink that's been settled for now. et's get on to feelings. Well I'm feeling hot and bothered right now because we just had a fire drill, I thihnk, I did'nt exactly see any fire and we were allowed back into the building, just a while ago and had a thousand annoyed beings buzzing around the side of the building trying to comprehend in our little minds what the heck is going on here, hwo's the joker who pulled the alarm or wave his stupid little lighter flame below the automatic sensor??Jerk! Now, let's get on to sensations. Hmm, seems kinda wierd to me what this means. Sends the little runners in my itsy brain go wandering all over the place and the component called imagination into overdrive. Nah, no dirty thoughts here, it's an educational institution. that's what they all say anyway. Well, my senses are kinda dulled right now. A result of chatting last night with my roommate till 1am and waking u p this morning at 7. damn, really hate early mornings, I'm not a morning type of guy but apparently all my classes start way too early in the morning. Calculus at that, is that a classic example of stress or what. But what better way to start the ol thinker working everyday with symbols and numbers geting thrown at me and expecting me to understand what's going on?? Really don't know actually. don't really care. i guess that's it 20 minutes, mebbe a bit less. tata!

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Ok. Here we go. Well I really don't have much to say right now. I've done this type of writing before. It was a strange experience. All I ended up writing was the lyrics to some song I couldn't get out of my head. I just kept going over and over again. Don't you hate that? I especially hate it when it's like some obnoxious song that I only know the chorus to or something. Hmmm. Right now I’m wondering how in the world I’m supposed to keep on typing for twenty minutes and keep on coming up with things to say. It's kind of like when you meet someone new and you're trying to have a conversation with them and you keep hitting those brick walls. I constantly do that. You can only ask a person their major so many times. I wish I would have taken a typing class in high school. Everyone else I know did but I procrastinated so I could only take a programming class for my computer credit. But it was good that I took that class. Now I’ve learned that I really do hate programming. I have to come to terms with the fact that I like computers yet I hate programming. I think my brain would slowly build up pressure and then explode when I’m in my 40s if I became a programmer. My typing skills are atrocious! I think I’ve been out of practice. I wonder what Agnes is doing? She's my roommate and she's sitting next to me. She always gets a lot of e-mail, yet she complains regularly that no one writes her. I like get nothing but that could be because I don't write anyone either. Oh well. I think if I got into the e-mail habit again, I would waste way too much time in the computer lab anyway. Oh no. Mind block. This is kind of like writing a letter to your closest friend. (which I also haven't done in a while. ) Just say whatever an who cares if they care or not. What are you guys going to do with this information anyway?? I missed the first day of class so I really don't know how this stuff is going to be used. I've always been afraid that if I ever went to a psychologist or something, that they would end up telling me that I’m nuts or something. Or they would know something about me that I really don't want them to know. And there's a lot of that kind of stuff. Everyone in this room is staring blankly into the screen of their computers. Isn't it amazing the power these little boxes of silicon and metal have over us? Imagine our world today without computers. (apparently I actually learned something from my comp sci class here) If one day all computers just stopped working, we would all be screwed. The world would go haywire. I would go nuts. And don't limit it to the computer in the traditional sense. We're talking the little computer chip in your remote control or in your light fixtures. Everything. Hey. that would make a good story. I bet it's been done before but I think I just inspired myself. That'll be my second movie. Did I say I wanted to be a director? Well I do. Now I have three ideas for my first films. I really can't wait. I need to go out and buy some books. I've been running out of things to read. I love books. Actually I have a new favorite author. Jeff Noon. That reminds me I need to look him up on the web. I wonder if he's written anything else?? I hope so. "Vurt" was one of the best books I’ve ever read. Well, times up. :)

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18

Starting out college life was harder than I expected. I thought leaving home and being on my own would be a fun thing, and that nothing would happen in a bad way. I guess I was wrong because it was very difficult to learning to be on my own. Now I have no parents to depend on, and I had to learn to be responsible. The first week I didn't really know many people here so it was hard finding something to do. If I had people I knew I would have placed to go to instead of doing nothing. Since there was no homework or anything this was the time to have some freedom. I was thinking that once the school year started I would have to concentrate on studying and worry about grades. I think studying is a very important thing in college life. College life is a whole lot different from high school life. One major difference is going to class. I don't know how to write that difference is in words but I know it is different from high school. It's just this feeling I have. I wonder if this feeling counts as a reason to explain the difference of the two. There's one good thing I recognized about being away from home and parents. That is more freedom! There are no parents telling you to come home at a certain time or to clean the house. Being away from is good and at the same time bad. Being away from home means being away from family. And no family means loneliness because family is family. There is also friends that you can always make and they can be like your family even they can't replace them. Friends are always good to have, but it's also important to have good friends. Friends that understand you and will be by you in times of need. I guess there are also organizations and clubs that you can join to meet new people and experience new people. Since the first time I came here I have met many new friends that I think are very nice. Meeting new people is a fun thing; therefore everyone should meet new people. One thing that is worrying me is the freshmen 15. This I heard from people that already experienced college life. Freshmen are supposedly to gain 15 pounds their first year because you have the freedom to eat whatever, whenever you want. The scary thing about that is that a person I know said girls are more likely to gain and guys are most likely to lose weight. I thought "Dang~ why the girls!" I hope I don't gain 15 pounds and go home hearing people say to me, "Wow~ you gained some weight in college haven't you. " That is something I never want to hear.

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5

I just woke up and decided to do homework this morning. Getting psychology out of the way seemed to be a pretty good idea. Right now I'm thinking that 20 minutes is a really long time and that I type pretty fast so this is going to be a really long essay. I woke up this morning feeling extremely cold and with a headache. I can't smell anything around me because my nose is congested and I can't see well because I haven't put my contacts in yet. I bought a spray paint picture off 6th street last night. It's really nice looking. This is probably one of the worst essays I have written because its just choppy sentences. My friends came to visit from ACU. Because there is no right answer in this essay, I feel weird because I know I'm writing about the right topic, but it feels like I'm just writing random things. I've never done anything like this so its all new to me. I'm typing on AIM and writing this essay. Its only been 4 minutes and I still have a lot to type. This is insane. Im hungry so while I type im going to eat a brownie. That brownie was good. Im still hungry so I'm waiting for this to expire so I can go eat Castilian food. Lets talk about college food for a little bit. Castilian is supposed to have the best food on campus. It turns out that the castilian food is really greasy but pretty good. Although it tastes good, it screws up your stomach. I don't think my stomach is used to constant fatty foods like that since I usually eat Chinese food. Write now I'm thinking that I need to go home and get more school things such as clothing. I have determined that I suck at packing. I didn't pack enough clothes and I didnt' pack any boots. I need to put my contacts in and I need to but some clothes on. Doing homework right when you wake up sucks. I need food. So far psychology has been different. I have never been in a class like that. It makes you think a lot more than you ever would in other classes. I have pyschology in the afternoon so I'm pretty worn out when class starts. Last night on 6th street there was an asian frat that got kicked out of the Roxy I think. A lot of cops on horseback rode down there. It was weird. 6th street has a lot of weird things. There was some guy in a g-string there which was disgusting. There are also a ton of places to club and to get stuff pierced and tattooed. Only 3 more minutes! What can I write about. This morning there were a ton of sirens that woke me up. Fire trucks hauled butt down Guadalupe for some reason. I hope everything is okay. I got one more minutes on this typing thing. I have a lot of homework this weekend. I really need to hit the books. I need a 4. 0. I hope I do well in college because I need to in order to get into Medical school. My friend from ACU is whining about ACU. He shoulda gone to UT. UT is the best school ever.

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26

It is now 4:10 PM, that means I have to do this stupid assignment until 4:30. it's probably beneficial for the psychologists at this school, though. I think I am going off the page now so I will press return okay, that line was probably fucked up but that's okay. I wonder how long it will take to get on a computer tomorrow. It didn't take too awfully long today. I used to be able to type faster than this, I think. I am out of practice from summer. I can't write as well, either. not that I was very good to begin with. This is going to seem like a really long time. I was going to say take a long time, but it's only twenty minutes, which doesn't seem like that long in theory, but it really is. I am not looking at the screen and my writing is going everywhere. I wonder what the other people said, and if they noticed that this thing doesn't automatically scroll down as you type. It's good to do this on the internet because it saves a lot of paper waste, but it's annoying to have to come here and wait for a computer when I’m used to just writing things on paper at home. I wonder if Jonathan had emailed me yet-- I will check on that after I finish this thing. Doh!- It's only 4:16. I have a really long time. I wonder if he can tell whether or not people cheat and cut it short. if you can type really fast then you can get a lot done. I wonder how fast I type in comparison with everyone else. I should have learned how to touch type before I came to college. I still use the hunt and peck version staring at the keyboard. It's hard to do that when you're transcribing a paper or something that you aren't thinking of as you go. I'm getting tired. This reminds me of the simpsons when grandpa is rambling on and on and nobody is listening or cares what he says. "ewww. what smells like mustard?". I love that show. I can't wait until the new season starts. I wonder if we'll win the Simpson’s house that would solve all our problems for the rest of our lives. never having to do what we don't want to do. But it would be annoying to live in. I think you can tell a lot about a person by knowing to what degree he or she likes the simpsons. Some idiots like my dad just think it's a cartoon, but it's really so much more. I should really finish that chapter that I didn't read. It was interesting enough, I just didn't have very much time to read. oh, I forgot some of my books, and I don't want to walk all the way to the dobie to get them. it's so hot! I'm so lazy. no wonder I’m a big fat cow, I can't even walk half a block to get my books. I should really start riding my bike again. I like the bus. it's so much easier and I don't have to carry my bike down those fucking stairs. I've climbed more stairs today than I have in a long time. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to go running without dying-- I think I’m just not built for it. Andy is so athletic, and I’ll never be as fit as he is, and I’m really just slowing him down. Yay, it's 4:26, only 4 more minutes. I wonder if you freaks are actually going to read all 500 of these things. yeah, what is the point of this stupid thing, anyway? I could see the point of that research project, but not this. You can't possibly read all these. M back hurts. I should probably try to have better posture. but I like to conserve energy. again, laziness. two more minutes. I’m tired, I think the sun drains all the energy out of me. I’m really sick of this stupid thing, and the minutes are going by so slow. it's really irritating me. I can' t wait to get to my email! I wonder how many messages I got in the last 3 weeks. well, it's now 4:30 bye.

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how am i going to do with all my classes and am i going to make it through the next couple of years in college i just want to do well with college and achieve i do not want to mess up ar my classes going to be really tough and how can i manage my time to study for all of them right now i am not doing well and i haven't started off very good but i know i need to do better and set time to study for each class i just want to succeed and do well i just got an essay back from my last class and didnt do too well. will i be able to do better and understand what i'm doing in Philosophy? i am feeling kind of sad but i know i want to do well and at the same time i am happy to be here because i enjoy this school and it is very interesting i feel sad because i miss my friends back home im going back home but should i really go because i need to study here and should stay here to catch up on reading but i can also catch up on my reading at home although i probably won't because my friends are back home staring around just thinking of what is the right thing to do i need to make time for things and get organized i feel really lost right now since i don't have anything organized just sitting here thinking about going back home and school not really listening to anything but the people talking out in the hall it's not noisy but just hear a couple of girls out in the hall having a conversation it's very quiet in my friend's room and i'm not listening to anything just sitting in this silent room and looking around at pictures just kind of upset about the essay i just got back and thinking that i could have done a lot better if i understood the question better but now that i know what to expect on the grading i know what i need to do for my next assignment my friend just walked in and talked to me which made me lose focus of what i was doing but now i am just here alone since she went into the hall to talk to other girls where i can still hear them having a conversation and laughing looking around at pictures that my friend has on her desk and seeing that she has pictures of family and friends everywhere i miss my family and my friend back home that i want to leave right now to go back home because i just want to go and hang out and do the things that i would do with my friend every weekend i miss spending time with him and just always getting to hang out i should start studying though right now because i need to do well in my classes they seem to be very interesting but a lot of reading and i really enjoy them just here staring away at things not really knowing what to type anymore just looking around at pictures and out the hall still hearing the voices out in the hall talking and thinking that maybe in a while i'll go out there and talk to my friend and her friends just to see what's up or maybe i'll just stay in here and read or talk to a friend online not too sure what to do yet now it's kind of quiet since theres no one in the room with me and the television and radio aren't on except there are the girls talking in the hall still they are just going on and on and i can hear them but not really paying attention to their conversation just hearing the voices because the door to the room is open it's kind of good to be alone right now because no one is bothering me and it's not noisy it's just nice to be alone right now i have to go pack right now since i'm going home and i don't have much time left to pack because i'm leaving in a while so i have to go rush and do that

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I've never sat here like this before and jotted down my thoughts. Despite them being my thoughts, I don't think much about them. Every time I hear my roommate, Charles, play the saxophone, I think of my brother Marlon back at home. (I thought of this because he is practicing on it now. ) School. This year I'm trying to make straight A's because I crashed and burned my 1st two semesters. Some say it wasn't really a crash and burn. I received a 2. 4 G. P. A. It's definitely not what I was aiming at. I don't know what's wrong though. I set aside a lot of time to study, but I could just never pull through on tests. Some people suggested I have ADD. I always think about whether or not I have ADD. I've usually dismiss the possibility that I do, because that might be just the easy" way out. What if it's not ADD? Just me having bad study habits. I don't know. I always worry about school. 'm going to see a counselor about it. Crew. I can't wait 'till tomorrow morning. We have another practice with Texas Rowing Crew bright and early in the morning. 5:30 practice that is. I found seven people that are trying out for crew too that are living in my apartment complex. In one building over no less. Heather just left. I just got back from dropping her off. Heather's my girlfriend of 2 yrs going on 3. She plays goaltender on the St. Edwards girls soccer team and is having a tournament in Oklahoma for the weekend, getting back late Sunday night. Charles stopped, and is now watching television in the living room. I think that is one reason I can hardly get any studying done in this apartment. There are too many distractions. Plus my bed is so comfortable. Having to wake up so early sort of makes me tired. I learned today that people with a regular sleep cycle tend to have better concentrations than do people with a sporadic sleep cycle. That's what I have. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I wake up at 4:30 and on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, I wake up at 7:30. I never gave much attention to my sleeping habits, but now I'm taking a study strategies course that is hopefully going to help me make better grades. I want to make straight A's this semester because in doing so, it will raise my G. P. A. to a 2. 7. Still no where near where I want to be, but its a start in the right direction. 10 more minutes. Speaking of sleepiness, I am feeling very, very sleepy right now. My eyes are getting heavy and my head is tilting. But I'm fighting it because I am in the middle of an assignment. I just looked at Professor Pennebaker's old tests and I do not remember going over some of those things in the book or in lecture. I hope that there was a different curriculum last year. Psychology is the only class I'm all too worried about. I feel like I have no control in this class. I feel like this class overburdens me. I'm used to reading material and having the professor reiterate what I had just learned. I guess that's something about college everybody has to learn. I just don't want to learn it the hard way. So I'm starting to form a study group. I really think these will help a lot. Although I hope the other people in the group are not thinking I'm using them for their notes. I'm not a good note taker, and I'll probably want to copy them from them. I also formed more study groups in each of my 4 classes. I'm a 12 hour student. That's another thing that gets me all depressed. I feel I might have clinical depression. It's something I'm checking out with a counselor next thursday. Four more minutes. I'm getting even more and more tired than ever. I will definitely nap after this writing assignment. My glasses are bothering me and my throat is so dry. My brain is going on hold for a second as I take a swig of water. Ok. I bought one of those Nalgene water bottles. What's the deal with those anyway? They make them so expensive, and I see everybody has one. So, naturally, I had to get one for myself. Two more minutes. I am counting down this assignment to be over because I'm just that tired. I am assuming their will be some sort of punishment to press the finish button early, so I stop myself from doing that. Wow, 50 seconds. I am very ready to take a nap. 30 seconds. Almost there. Man, I'm going to have to get Charles to shut that TV up when I

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17

Ok I suppose I should start typeing er typing I mnean er mean that is typo but that is ok, there are no backing up er is. Wow, I cannot think I am supposed to do this until the end but I don't want to be late for computer science across the way I wonder who has to read this, and all the other 519 entries and if they ever think "How tedious" but I digress. Not actually that that means anything, but I thought it so I should write it, correct? Yeah. Good ska is hard to find. i need music to keep me up. my sound system makes me forget my problems I don't need to think about Like being dropped from journalism, not that seeing my ex-girlfriend helped any. The only analogy is like a nailbomb going off inside my head today. I am kind of stressed, but that is what everybody will write, right? Hey, I can rhyme. I need to write lyrics for the songs for The Pinfields. Not that I have the time. even tho I should be calling work and this feels like a waste of time because it doesn't seem like work, it seems like emailing a friend or some such nonsense. Its not that, but I don't know. If I keep typing, what will it get? I don't make sense. Shit, I am tired. I need to schedule my life away to keep up, not that she has any problems or anything. I need to stop worrying about myself. I need to look at the others and help. I don't care but apathy is bad so I do. I hate something or another. I have too many bad habits. I I I me me me. God, I am such a fucking self centered dork. I hope I don't offend anyone. Not that that matters. I need to call work, get a vcr, get a couch. Go to ben's. that's right. WHat time is it. 1205. that means 12 minutes Until I haul ass to computer science. I am not that deep of a person I suppose. i wonder if I can make it as a lyricist. did James gfet my email? I don't know. Argh. At least (ergh I mean) this music is good. THis is bad posture and I don't need this towel. I am trying to focus on the black circle (or dot) in my head because I made it up as a way to not let over-analyzing everything drive me crazy and found out it was actually a technique for relaxation. crazy. But I don't think that that is something. I need everything to just wait 1 day so I can calm down. BUt Oh god. I have 12 hours. THey dropped me. I am screwed. Now I'm on the waiting list. i ll call mom. She'. l. tell me what I can do. Not that I depend on people too much. I think in phrases don't I? I wonder if I use question marks in my head. Almost there. No poem, no artistic expression. Just my usual moronic behavior. God. I am such a selfcentered loser. I am not as good as anybodY. The tape ended. I try to make it so I think everyone is equal, but I can't. I end up making myself think I am lower just to compsensate. God. I need to find religion. I need to stop complaining. I need to chill . I I I me me me. I need to shut the hell up. I just need to calm down. I need to leave. I need to get a bike. when I am going to get the stiff on my room down. I am tiared. Am I hungry? I don't think so. I don't want to eat. well now that I dwell on it. a little bit. That cool. The way the light is regfelected on the mirror on my wall. No gramm ar or punctuation. Not important. Is it 12:17? no. 1213. er 14. changed. God. Is it? I nedd to clean this palce up. All the thoughts that run through my head. "mirror in the bathroom please don't freak. The door is locked just you and me let me take you to a restaurant thats got glass tables we can watch ourself while you are eating" ugh sleep I need sleep. Sleep is god. I don't want to offend god tho. I think I've don e enough to wanyway. no I need to not ERGH ergh that s just it ergh ergh ergh ergh ergh ergh ergh Vent Don't break stuff. Remember the door. Remember the wall and the shattered glass. bleeding. No. ergh. Bad. Violence isn't the answer but neither is self blaming. BUT peopple can blame me without any second thought. How does that work. I should leabve. I dislike everything. I am. NOt I like no wait how uh ergh. monosylabic just don't work because I just don't quit this shit is aurally aesthetic kind of like a prescription from a stressed medic. Fin.

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4

Today, what am I feeling. actually my roommate and I were talking about how we werer homesick. not in a bad way. we just miss home. I wish I knew what it was about home that I miss. is it the people? no not really considering I didn't have any really good friends when I left home. it it my parents? yeah some of it is that. but there's just this emptiness and I can't figure it out. I also feel like I am in a hella bad mood. it could be pms but it think it is a little too early. I really really hate pms. I get totally irritable and I was noticing yesterday how I felt really annoyed with people. especially my roomate and another friend. I figured it was just cause I was tired and sick of people in general but now I think maybe it is something more. well the stress of school finally begins. I'm remembering how much I hate stress. this stress is alittle different because its mixed with a lot of anxiety. I am a very anxious person at times and I hate it. I get very freaked out when I don't know what is going to happen. I guess you could say I have a big fear of the unknown. when I was applying to high school I used to freak out a lot and have crying fits because I didn't know where I was going to school. then this spring I would have freak out attacks about where I would live. I hate not knowing what will happen in the future. I think its kinda funny that I am a christian yet I struggle with the unknown. part of being a christian is having faith in god to work out all the things he has for you. but I find it really hard to trust in god and just let the fear go. I guess I have my weak areas just like all christians. anyways anxiety, I am really anxious about school. I have no idea what to expect as far as tests and grades. I told myself that because I couldnt drink this semester I would try really hard to get good grades. but it is just so hard to make myself sit down and study. I am areally lazy person and I don't like to work very hard if I don't' have to. I'm starting to ahve doubts about my major. I reaaly love spanish but I'm not sure I'm good enough to pursue it as a major. I guess there are just a lot of people in my spanish class who seem to be so much better that I am at spanish and I get discouraged. anyways, I think my friend graham made a good point when he said that a lot of people didn't place out of spanish hours like I did and that college spanish teaches you a lot morethan high school spanish. I think he was right. but still, I'm just not real sure any more. ugh the people next door play their music so loud. it really is rude. I wonder if we play our music too loud nad jus tdon;t realize it. hmmmm. well time feels like its going by really slowly. perhaps my bad mood is jus t the devil trying to take away from the awesome things god did this weekend. well that's a thought. that retreat kicked some booty!!!!!!

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I'm uncertain what to write, I can feel my unwashed body because I just woke up and i'm wondering how to put my words into the correct phrases and i'm focusing on how to follow my stream of thought, the refrigerator i had trouble spelling that word is making a blanked out for a second a very fuzzy kind of comforting machine noise everything is quiet kate is my roommate i feel like i have to explain it to you even though youre a computer or something a program i guess crap im digressing well shes asleep i didnt know that i had so much trouble typing when i was tired and what time is i don't know has it really only been 2 minutes or so what am i supposed to type about i think i'm stressing out scientolgists expelled me they told me i was too stressed i guess i am the stress test that was free my elbows are stiff went ballistic when i tried it only 2 minutes this is harder than i though stream of conscious makes me think of finnigans wake only 4 people in the world know exactly how to interpret finnigans wake its the hardest book in the world tim introduced that book to me he tried to read it stupid cheating bastard i hope language isnt a problem i curse but this is a school assignment grr i feel dumb and thats not good i shouldnt feel dumb neck is getting stiff i guess my train of thought is confusing who is going to read this and why and should i be using punctuation neil is asleep too i should eat my stomach grumbling breathing in and out this totally doesnt make sense what makes a really good stream of conscious writing i guess it doesnt matter thats not the point of this excercise i really like psychology its really interesting dumb scientologists told me that it was a overrated science and that more people were killed in the era that psychology was born i wonder if it was because more people were killed that psychology became more important i thought more peeps were killed because technology was greater potential to kill was greater scientologists are creepy they are so cultist i wonder if they are as brainwashed as i feel they are and im just rambling but i guess thats what we're supposed to do my hands are just doing what they normally do when they type i kind of am randomly putting punctuation does stream of conscious require punctuation? i hope not. this is getting rather tedious but i have to finish it my feel are getting cold and im getting kind of bored i think i should raise the blinds to let more sunlight in and put on a sweater the ac is really high in my room antartica aruna calls it i love aruna she's such a great sister is this a narrative or a record of my thoughts and feelings i feel like i should be telling about what i'm doing but maybe i should just put down what i'm thinking what am i thinking ear itches got to scratch it and my hands are like a separate entity they keep on continuously typing and my mind is just running in a completely different direction i guess it is easier to do this sort of thing online and on the computer if I was writing i would hate this it wouldnt flow as much wow so i think i'm lining up thoughts in my head to put down on paper is this what i do in essays maybe thats why my essays arent very great i don't really think them out i just blurt them out on to paper like i do in conversation thats a bad trait i type kind of fast how long is this supposed to be i'm glad i'm getting this down im curious as to what the results are and i really want to do well in this class its really cool too bad i had to sit in the very back last time i feel sort of like an outcast do i feel like an outcast in other situations i used to wanted to be a psychologists why did i decide against that again and am i getting down the connections of why i'm thinking this thought then that thought should i be writing that down that this makes me think of that and thats why i said this i guess thoughts just spontaneously came to my mind and i write them down maybe this makes me more impulsive in my regular life am i weird am i blanked out for a second i keep blocking out the sensation of my body except for the feeling of my elbows continously rubbing against the table the the palms of my hands against the keyboard crick in neck again i wonder if i have trouble studying because i get into uncomfortable positions and thats why i can't lose myself into the words on the text like i do when reading novels itd be interesting to hear or see other peoples stream of conscious writing if youre writing a novel in the stream of conscious way can you go back and edit it i guess so thats a dumb question its a novel meant to guide you through the stream of conscious not actually a stream of conscious writing thatd be messed up if you did a story i don't think i know what i'm trying to say next topic 14 minutes wow i didnt think time was flying by so fast 1tym with that song is good i wish i could understand korean good songs what does this stream of conscious say about me i keep shifting and my butt's going numb and little patches of skin are itchy i have to go at 4 to port aransas i hope its worth it i have a lot of catching up to do i had so much fun yesterday i wish that that could happen more often allen is awesome too bad soap operas and stuff happen too bad . i like both guys is that a problem who wants to hear about this not me, it's just a bad cycle of thought better think positively scientologists look all blank behind the eyes very creepy as if their cultish mindset has washed all personality way and they are all clones or machines programmed to thinki and persuade in a certain way that's too weird i can't believe i almost bought into it actually i can, i just want to be a better me who doesnt that easy solution they provide is really attractive if it works but look at them they are creepy and give me strange vibes only 4 more minutes yay i'm not depressed like they said that's really sad i just like to analyze and see why people do morbid bad things i just like listening and now i'm all defensive i shouldn't do that i have nothing to defend against no one is attacking me silly i'im just writing down my thoughts i guess that whole experience traumatized me and i have more stress because of it my hair is tickling me its so quiet i heard a door slam i wonder who that is i need to talk to more people on my wing i guess i can do that this weekend but i should really focus more on studying i have such a distracted personality but i guess i have charm so its okay thats what im told but what do i want ? i have to figure that out my legs are crossed it's a cool feeling but at the same time i can't hold that position for long my mind really makes some strange leaps but what about geniuses how do they think do their minds differ all that much? I wonder if they really have a different brain wave or patter oon 19 minutes ooh 30 seconds i'm almost through i wonder what they have to say this is exciting very cool very very cool i should have solved math equations that would have been cool but that's not the point of this i'm such a nerd do i FINISHED SWEET!!

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What is going through my head. hmmm. That's a good question. Well. I feel really skeptical about this whole college thing. I mean its all cool and all but I get a little intimidated by the whole process. I mean all these people in my classes kind of freak me out. I am used to dealing with large amounts of people but WOW. I sit there and wonder how the professors do it all. I mean yes, they have teacher's aides, but I am sure that the work is tremendous. All the schoolwork is a little new to me. I am used to a lot of busy work and worksheet. Don't get me wrong. I was in advanced classes, but I am not that used to every class having mandatory readings all the time. I am also a little scared of going out. I was always a social person in high school but the whole going out and meeting new people is a little scary. I mean, the people seem really friendly and nice, but a lot of them seem really snobby and a little unapproachable. so it makes a person hesitate. I am really an outgoing girl but I hesitate for some reason here. In other environments, I usually don't. It is strange though. It like I am afraid of making new friends. How silly is that??? Also, I am afraid of the whole freshman 15 thing. I mean, how could people gain weight? You walk around all day and go to class. And when you're not doing that you are reading or going out? Well, I know the food isn't that great, but 15 pounds! Wow! Also, this whole party scene is a bit intimidating for me. I want to go, but I am so scared because of all the storied I've heard. Funny what you realize when you just sit here and let your mind go. I need to learn to type faster so I can go as fast as I am thinking. Oh well. that's what you get for not taking keyboarding in junior high. Well. I am thinking my 20 minutes of typing is up. So I will check all my spelling and turn this in.

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15

Today has been a very stress ful day starting with the first time I ever missed a class. Today my parents and I got in a fight and I was going to be late to class so I decided to just not go. This caused my parents to be evenmore upset with me. Not to mention that we were already stressed about the apartment situation for next year. Isn't that retared to hav eto sign a lease in September for the following school year? You don't even know if you will get along with the people that you ahve agreed to live with for the entire year. A realty company makes everything so much more difficult. We have to pay a application fee and a security depsoit of $35 adn $480 respectivly. In the upcoming week we have to put our firsty monts rent down which is $481. It is just rediculous that we have to worry about this at this point in time. I am also extremly stressed about school. First of all I don't know what to expect coming from hogh school to college. Second of all, all the professors throw all this stuff at you st once and expect you to remeber itall. It is completly over whelming to a freshman. Third on my list, my soroity is also giving us all these dates to remember, things to sign up for, dues to pay, committments to fulfill that everything is all mumble jumble in my head. I am completely overwhelmded. Foutrh of all, I never get any sleep. I had to go home to Houston to get rest and to be able to study. Fifth -- I have not been able to fit my routine work out into my schedule yet. I am terrified about gaining the freshman fifteen. This summer I wroked so hard to lose weight, and I finally did. I will be greatly depressed if I gain it back and more!!!! College is supposed to be the best four years of your life, but so far it has been one big stress pile up. I can;t take it. Not to mention that I am completwly homesick. I am so close to my family it is ridiculous. I miss my mom to no extent. My sister just got engaged and I feel like I am missing out on all of the party plans. I feel so far away. My dad has to be the most unselfish wise person I know. He adds so much to a converation. I miass them all so much. Everyhting brings me to tears these days if I start to think too long about it. One of the most important things in my life I forgot. My dog Jake. I miss his sweet face so much. He was such a good friend and companion. I never have any time to email my friends in London or in other colleges around the nation. I also feel like I am having a hard time opening up to my surrounding s whether it is to my girlfriends or to guys. I wish everything wasn't ALWAYS a drunken brawl. I don't mind the partying if it only were in moderation. Anyways, I think I am just having to get adjusted and that it is just taking me longer than others. everything is all so important to me:grades friends, guys, family, beliefs etc. Why can't evrything just be perfect????

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I'm really not sure what exactly I am suppossed to write about so I thought I would write about the biggest thing that has been on my mind these days, and that's September 11th. That morning I woke up and things didn't seem any different. I put on my I love New York shirt and went to class. Truthfully, I was very dissapointed with the people here at UT and how they acted that day. People in my freshman seminar were actually really rude about it. The tower played American Songs for about 10 minutes and they were really mad about it. It was getting in the way of our discussion. WHATEVER!! We should have been discussing September 11!! One girl in the class said, Who cares!! People die every day!! We kill people in Afganistan every day and we don't hold memorials for them!! I personally was outraged by that comment. How disrespectful for her to say that on a day like that. That night I went with my friends to the memorial at the tower. We stayed for a couple minutes and then proceeded to walk to the capital building for the memorial that was held there. It was awesome. To be standing there next to my friends, people that I loved, and listen to the songs and here the speeches was very emotional. To hear the bagpipes play and see the fireman and the policeofficers. And then a fire man talked about how when they lose a fireman they ring the firebell, so they did that. The whole crowd stood in silence while it rang. It was very powerful. You couldn't help but stand there and think about the officers in New York who had gone into the world trade centers, doing their job and knowing that they could be killed but WANTING to go in anyways. I had to think about all the families who walked around for days not knowing if their family members were dead or alive. Walking from hospital to hospital praying that they would be there. And in the weeks after, hoping that they would even find them dead, just so there would be some closure and they wouldn't have to wonder anymore. At the capital, the police or whatever it was also shot the rifles off. I forget what that is called but that was also a very powerful moment. In almost every person in the crowd's eyes there were tears. You couldn't help it. Then the whole crowd sang God Bless America. Hearing this and looking out over the top and seeing all these people of all different ages and sexes and races holding their american flags up above their heads and just singing GOD BLESS AMERICA was absolutely amazing. I knelt down where I was and said a prayer to thank God for my family and my friends and for the fact that was SO blessed. I picked up the phone and called my mom to tell her that I love her. My family is the most important thing in the world to me and if I lost any of them I don't know how I could even go on. When it was over, two huge beams of light shone up from the back of the capital building to represent the twin towers. It made me think about the pictures I had seen from ground zero of the towers of light they had there. A very powerful sight. The man who was talking over the microphone said that the two huge lights that were shining behind the capital were both there in Pearl Harbor on December 7th. That was an amazing thought to me also. It was also very symbolic to show that the two lights had managed to withstand something that horrible and are now representing hope after another great American tragedy. However, this was a tragedy but not just that. In fact, it brought america closer than it has been in a really long time. I saw a commericial that gave me the chills. It was a video shot of a row of normal looking houses in a normal looking American city. The voice in the background said On September 11, 2001, terrorists tried to change America forever. The screen faded out, and then it slowly faded back in. The same houses were there but this time every house had like 5 or 6 american flags around it. In the yard, in the windows, hanging from the roof, just everywere. The voice said They succeeded. I think that is a perfect way to say what September 11 has done for America. Yea, so many people lost their lives, but people in AMerica are showing pride that they haven't shown in a long time. At this point in my life, I am VERY PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.

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15

yeah so i really don't want to be doing this but oh well. i really actually enjoy the psych class though sometimes i wonder how exactly anyone can figure out what a person is thinking. who came up with those experiments in the first place. im so relaxed right now cause i just got back from having a one hour massage. it was kind of weird at first cause i had never had one before but after like 10 min i was asleep. i so needed a massage, and i always seem to be tired even though i feel i get plenty of sleep. i don't think im typing as fast as i should be because there is this little voice saying you mispelled a word, go back and correct it. i guess that means i don't know if im actually completing the exercise correctly. but he never did list whether things had to be grammarically correct. i feel that im like this never ending jutebox that won't stop talking. right now im typing like those really annoying people that you never want to listen to that you are just like SHUT UP. haha. yeah so i have alot of stuff on my mind lately. i would like to actually call this my vent session because i have all this stuff in my mind thats just really been bugging me and i can't tell anyone because my best friend is so far up my roommates butt, because they are boyfriend and girlfriend, that i can say how i REALLY feel. my roommate can be such a jerk sometimes. and he does the stupidest things that just totally piss me off. like this one time i got back home from houston and he was like its your turn to buy the groceries. but i was the one that bought eighty-eight dollars in food when he only bought thirty. he was like well I've finally caught up with you now and I've spent one hundred and eighty. and im thinking, well jeez im sorry to put you out but i barely ever eat. i swear he eats like there is no tomorrow and i think that I've narrowed it down to how many times he eats a day. like 5! it just really pisses me off. and he tells ME how i do nothing. im not the one who has tuesday and thursday off. not only that he sleep all freakin day. hes SO LAZY. i just want to say to him, hey im not the one that spends 50 freakin dollars on the lunch meat you pick out and watch them cut. come on and give me a freakin break. on top of the whole grocery issue, my parents have ME on a strict budget and so i can't spend all that much money. he goes out and buys a three hundred dollar tv because he feels like it. what can you say to that. his dad is working his butt off to pay for all the crap my roommate uses. dang the phone is ringing now and i can't concentrate anymore on what i was saying. anyways. yeah so i just want to be like, why don't you get off your lazy, pardon my language ass, and get a freakin job and stop mooching off of all your daddy's money. its not like his parents are rich either, he just thinks he is. on top of that he is sooo vain. everything on him and around him is so perfect. sometimes i wonder if hes a girl at heart or if he just LOVES looking at himself in the mirror. god if only i was brave enough to tell him how i really feel. it wouldn't be so bad except for the fact is that its my freaking apartment too and my best friend, though i love her to death, is living with us. its like nightmare that never ends. you know those feelings when you are a third wheel and you just want to get the hell out? can you imagine it like 24/7. its horrible. it just makes you want to crawl in a hole and die. come on i pay for the freaking apartment the least she could do is STOP mooching off of us and possibly go home? jeez. on the topic of being a third wheel. i have this issue with two guys. im seeing this guy in houston that i like alot since my last boyfriend who totally broke my heart. lets say the guy im dating now is bob, and my ex is paul. so bob is like so sweet and hes alot older than me and i miss him a whole lot. at the same time paul who NOW goes to school with me, the reason we broke up is a long story, well we are becoming good friends. i never expected the thing with bob to actually happen over the summer and so now i have this like guy who i don't know exactly what we are but is considered a long distance relationship. bob has been nothing but sweet to me and i love him, actually wait another thing he doesn't want me to tell him that i love him either. i mean maybe i do and maybe i don't. so yeah, me and paul have become best friends again after our whole breakup and his cheating on me with the girlfriend he had, but then calling me to tell me two weeks before school started back up that he had broken up with her. come on now, i haven't talken to paul in like forever then he calls me to tell me hes broken up with his girl friend. strange yes. but I've told myself that I've gotten over with him after being his girlfriend for two and half years. thats a long time to spend on one person. so yeah he came over yesterday to hang out with me while i was waiting for the time warner roadrunner dudes to come over and me and paul started watching a movie together. he started getting closer and closer to me but i was like woah arent we just friends. so i get up to get a drink, come back to my room and lay down on my bed. paul sits on my back and starts giving me a friendly back massage and all the while i was thinking that i really miss him and that i wouldn't mind getting back together with him. at this time bob hadn't called me since sunday night and i was getting really worried. so i started relaxing and having a good ole time with paul. later that night bob calls and hes like hey sweetie, i miss you and im sorry i haven't called you but I've been really busy and i tried sending you and email but it didn't work. yeah so now im caught in this situation that i can't seem to get out of or fig ure out. should i go after my ex that is here in austin. or should i go after bob whose been nothing but sweet to me, but is back home. i don't know what i should do. and on top of all of this im sorta lonely, and i have alot of school work to take care and if i WANT a social life that not only that i can't seem to find ,and i have to work. i think that im slowly going insaine and this is too much things to think about for a person at my age. woah so yeah im going to stop now cause I've actually typed past the twenty min but i kind of feel better though

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29

Ok, so I'm sitting here wondering what I'm going to eat for dinner, even though I'm not hungry. My roommate just told me what there is at jester and she also told me that she waited to do her homework until I woke up because she didn't want the printer to wake me up. She is so sweet. She has selfesteem issues that she takes medication for and for the life of me I can't understand people like this. It's like I want to just tell them to snap out of it. It's very frustrating for me because I don't understand it. She and I talked about this issue last night before we went to sleep. I told her how I felt and we've come to an understanding. I'm starting to miss my parents. I feel very sad for my mother because I know she misses me a lot. I don't tell my mother often enough how much I love and respect her I should do this. I stood in line for an hour today for football tickets for the OU game in Dallas. I love it here but it will be nice to return to a place I am so familiar with. I hope Liz forgets about her exboyfriend Aaron. She is so cool. I am really glad we met one another. He is such a weirdo and she is so smart and independent and ambitious. I don't see how she does it. I mean, she's doing the Kvr TV station thing and Comm council and an internship at the capitol, and 14 hrs. and she just has to obtain a 4. 0 or she'll just die. Me on the other hand, I'm just trying to make it here. I'm used to doing it all. I handled everything going on in High School, but that was dealing with 300 people and easy classes that I swore were hard. I just really hope I make the novice rowing team here. I've put so much time and energy in preparation for tryouts. I work out everyday and go out of my way to get noticed. Liz just called about us going to get our meningitis shots tomorrow. I also need to get my chicken pox vaccination because I've never had them and I don't want to get them now, because I'm afraid I'll like die or something. My mother should have exposed me to them when I was a child. I just saw Julie and she wasn't very nice. I hope she's not mad at me. I have to go to the boathouse and run a lot tomorrow and I'm sitting here dreading it. But, if I make the team it will all be worth it. My roommate snores really loud at night. I plug my ears with cotton. It angers me. It's very difficult to sleep. I have so many things to do. I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do what I need to get done. Austin is really hot. I hope Eddie and Lydia work things out. He loves her so much and I really want them to be together. I'm thinking about the OU game again. I am so excited to see him and my other cousin. They are big UT fans. They are so happy that I am going here. I almost feel bad, because I guess I didn't really consider it that big of a deal that I got in. Everywhere I go, people look at me in awe when I tell them I go to school here. Well, I'm going to stop writing now. It's been 20 minutes and all I can think about is all the stuff I have to do now. I have Journalism, Rhetoric and Geography homework so I'm going to get started.

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22

our world is pretty fucked up. I've been watching and reading the news lately, and that is the only thing my mind is consumed with. well not the only thing, but almost the only thing. the world has enough problems with natural disasters, why do we have to create more disasters for ourselves. between hurricane Frances and soon to be hurricane Ivan, why do we need Chechen rebels, and radical terrorists, and radical governmental regimes to make things worse. why is it that people can't seem to answer to the moral code everyone knows in the heart to be right. be it a Christian, a Muslim, or an atheist, every person on this earth knows the difference between right and wrong. so why is that not only do terrible things like this happen, but also, others make excuses about it too? "they're religious. they're unstable. they're on medication. they've had a hard life. man fuck that. people need to first take responsibility for their actions, and secondly they need to realize that what is right is right and what's wrong is wrong. I don't understand this blur of morals and truth. how have we allowed this world to sink to a level where the average human being doesn't know the difference between right and wrong? I suppose I'll get off my soap box now, I just can't fathom the world getting worse, and yet I know that tomorrow, will be even just a little bit worse than today. the only thing I can do is try and change my own actions, my own beliefs, and hopefully lead by example. so I was just reading bush has tried cocaine, while bush senior was president. ha. that makes me laugh, I say more power to bush, he says he's clean, I believe him, I don't think his past should be this big of an issue, especially when he is running against john Kerry. I don't even want to vote, but I feel its my duty. so who am I going to vote for? its like picking the lesser of two evils? and which one is lesser of a SOB than the other one? man I don't know. I suppose I'll vote for bush, being that this is Texas. but I don't know if I'd feel right about that. maybe I'll just write in a vote. I mean I know all of Texas electoral votes are going to bush so does it even matter? maybe I'll run for president one day? naw, I doubt it, I'm not moderate enough. not that I'm a radical, just that I don't think I could say things to appease one person or another. I have my beliefs and damn it, I'm sticking to 'them. that doesn't mean I'm not open to listening and even changing them based on solid arguments, but I'm not going to change them based simply on needing more votes, that's a fucked up way of doing business. this feels good by the way. I'm sitting at a coffee shop and there are two frat daddies in front of me, they're very loud and annoying. I kind of want to say something to them, but then again they're very large men, and, since I'm making snap judgments, they're probably alpha males who would want to fight me. so I'll just let them be. my friend broke up with her boyfriend recently. they're a couple years older than me, and I'm pretty sure he wanted to marry her. she dumped him because she didn't feel ready for that and needs time to get her life together. I can understand and appreciate where she's coming from, but he was tore up about it. anyway, they're here and talking about stuff, I can tell things are getting intense. I didn't even know they were going to be here, and technically I was here first so I suppose they invaded my space but its no big deal. she will probably start crying soon, and he will just shake his head because he doesn't know what to do. man, I feel sorry for them both. he just wants to love her, be there for her. and she doesn't want to hurt him, but she has no choice, she isn't in the same place he is. love is a funny thing. love is a fucked up thing too. I've only been in love once. and I've fallen out of love once. its a painful process. but then again, I wouldn't replace it. it was a profitable, great, shitty, learning experience, one that I can completely support. so why is it that humans love? or choose to love? or choose not to love? I'd like to be able to love someone again, that's a good feeling. to be able to call someone and just talk to them. see how their day was, what they've been up to, and to know that they wanted to talk to you, and ask you about those same things. I wonder what my wife will be like? I wonder when I'll meet her. my brother and his girlfriend are close to getting married I think. I may be wrong, but I doubt it. I think they're both in a place where they're ready to commit for the long haul. that's kind of scary. hey, my brother is going to be married forever. I'm going to have a sister in law. maybe I'll be an aunt or uncle soon. now that is really weird. its crazy how time moves. I feel like graduation was a long time ago, but at the same time I feel like I still think and act like a 6th grader. oh 6th grade, those were good days. I thought I was the coolest kid in the world. and at the time, I may have been right. I was one cool 6th grader. it rained today. I love the rain, its so refreshing, so new, so clean, so pure. it makes me appreciate the day that much more. I've spent a total of almost 7 hours at this coffee shop today. reading, writing, talking, thinking, listening, all things I can support 100% though, so it hasn't been a wasted day in the least. I ate at freebirds today too, that was so good. I'd say the feeling I have after I eat freebirds is one of the closest feelings I'll ever have to being completely content, lacking absolutely nothing in the world. because when I've finished freebirds, I don't even desire love, because I am so full and content I don't need anything else. its a good feeling. I'm thinking about what I'm thinking about writing. if that makes sense. it is supposed to be stream of consciousness, and I'm working on that, but I think that I'm thinking too much about it. I've had pretty streaming thoughts up to this point, now I'm thinking too hard about writing something. its ok though, because I only have like 15 seconds left. maybe I'll eat cookies later tonight, I bet those will good

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I'm just wondering how everything is going to work out, I mean, how is my relationship going to work out if she's in Cali and I'm in TExas. Well, I guess it shouldn't matter that much cause I should be thinking about school. Damn, this place gives me the creeps. No one that I can really talk to. How is anyone going to survive here. Gosh, I miss my baby. Am I making the right choices here in classes? Am I making the right choices in my relationship? I mean, if it doesn't work out, then what am I going to do? My relationship . man, I'm confused. This place is big. This university is big. How am I going to stand out? I haven't met any new friends, not very many. My room mate also sucks. I have no money. That's another thing, how am I going to survive financially? How am I to get enough money to support my college tuition? Mom and dad can't provide the whole thing and financial aid won't cover it all. How am I to make up the rest of the money? And if I do get a job, how am I to balance my job and school at the same time. Gee, and how come I keep thinking of my girlfriend? Damn, everything goes back to her. I can't believe the time I spend thinking of her. This is hopeless. I can't believe I'm even doing this relationship thing. Damn, my head hurts. I hope I'm doing this assignment right. If not, then I'm in trouble. what a way to start out college. Man, I have a headache. I wonder if I'm dying. Ha, I wonder if I'm dying all the time. I wonder if I make myself sick by thinking about that so much? I hope I don't get fat. I hope this college thing doesn't' make me fat and I hope that this whole college thing works out. I don't want to waste anymore of my parent's money. I don't even know what I'm doing here in college. I don't know what I want to be, what I want to do, or how the future's going to be like. Maybe I'm scaring myself. I think about this stuff too much when I should be out doing something about it. I feel so lazy and so useless. So insignificant. Is this what the real world going to be like? Am I going to be another insignificant person? Gosh, my head hurts. Everyone in this room looks dead. Everyone looks like they've been drained of their energy. Man, it's been only 14 minutes and I am writing a bunch of crap. Ha, I guess this is stream of conscience writing huh? I guess it means to just talk to yourself. How come I don't see any familiar faces? No one here is a familiar face to me. I thought I knew a lot of people but damn, I know no one. I hope things get better. I don't think I can stand much more of this. I want to go home for a while. Jester's food is getting old and I miss my parents. I just miss having nothing to do. Maybe I'm just lazy, I don't know. I can't keep thinking like this. I'm not lazy. Think positive buddy. Ha, I'm talking to myself again. I wonder what the professor's going to think about this paper? Oh well, out of 500 some odd students in a class, I don't' think anyone's going to get to this paper. See what I mean? InsignificantF!!! Why so pessimistic Hai? Damn, what happened to the old you? I guess things change huh? I guess things are never going to be the same. Didn't you say you wanted to go to college to get away from it all? Didn't you say that you wanted to start over? HEre's your chance buddy. Take the risk. BE yourself. Meet people. Make yourself a significant part of something. Don't just dissapear. oh, times up.

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22

It is 9:35 and I am beginning my stream of consciousness writing assignment. I have been at The University of Texas for exactly one week today. The first night I got here was probably the most alone I have ever felt. My roommate is my best friend from the town where I came from, Pearland. My other best friend was visiting us also. I'm not sure why I felt that way, I was surrounded by two of the people I feel most comfortable around. I'm sure it had to do with being in a different town, sleeping in a different bed, etc. I'm sure I'll learn all about that in this class. I didn't realize I would miss my parents as much as I miss them. I'm an only child and I never really considered myself that close to them. Actually, I am very close to my mom about certain things. As I've gotten older sometimes she just feels like one of my friends. At any rate I really miss them. They didn't call that whole weekend, and I realize it was because my mom didn't want to bother me, but it kind of hurt my feelings. So, I called them. This is really going to help out my typing I can tell it's getting faster. It's 9:46 now. I think when I get through with this I'm going to go to my other friends from Pearland's room and watch a movie or something. It's so easy to not mean new people when you already have friends. There's about 25 people from my home town here. I've met new people in my classes and everything, but these are the people I spend all of my time with. We'll see what happens in the future. Before I left Pearland I had been dating a guy who's going to Sam Houston. We weren't that serious, but now I miss him a lot. We were talking about what we were going to do and I had just assumed we would break up because we would be far away but he didn't see it like that. He had like a list of reasons we should or shouldn't stay together. At any rate, I told him I had to experience new things in college, blah, blah, blah, and we basically decided to break up. It's 9:54 but I'll keep writing a little more. I liked this guy on and off for like a year. Well, now I really kind of regret not staying together because I miss him. He came down to Pearland the Wednesday before I left and we hung out. I called him a couple days ago and he didn't sound very happy to hear from me. Okay, well now I'm rambling, I guess now I'm going to have to move on. Oh well we'll see what happens. It's 10:00. This was kind of fun.