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jingjietan

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26

my room is so cold i have so much to do and not enough time i need to go home soon how will i get tickets to the parents weekend game? im so busy i wish it was christmas already this semester is already too long i wish i hadnt been to summer school i wish i would have been able to stay home and gone to the beach i am so full i shouldnt have had that big meal this movie my roommate is watching is really wierd kind of scary i need to do my laundry and clean my room i need to start readin g and i am scared that i am going to get bad grades and my dad will be mad at me my grades from the summer werent good enough i need to bring up my gpa i miss my friends i miss my boyfriend i need ot get his birthday present and i need to figure out when i am going to go home again i need to go see my friends at college station next weekend molly is coming in october i am really excited i wish jeep went to school with me i miss him so much sometimes i think my roommates sleep too much and talk on the phone too much one is obsessed with her boyfriend but she cheated on him? i don't understand how people can do that to the people that they love i could never do that to jeep it is just too heartless i miss michael he is so cute i am really happy that i went tri-delt i love the people that i pledged with im glad im not a theta i really don't like allison sample she is so annoying sometimes she really really bothers melike she tries to be my best friend even though she knows we arent god she annoys me and she tries to pretend that she is friends with all my best friends i don't tihkn im going to make a very good grade in my media class i don't know what to do im kind of scared i hope that everything works out between jeep and i and i hope that we don't break up im really scared that it might not work out but i really hope it does i love him so much i don't really think i fit in with alot of people here and i don't have that many guy friends here which i miss and i miss dave alot i don't like not having any guy friends here it is really wierd without them they were the only people i was friends with i really hope that our apartment thing works out next year i think it could be really fun i am really scared that i am going to gain the freshmen 15 god i do not want to gain any weight i need to start exercising i need to start eating healthy i need to send these thank you cards to mrs stanbery and minnie and catherine god catherine is so wierd i can't believe she is related to me she is very socially backward i feel bad for her and i feel bad for their whole family god my back is hurting from sitting up so long i thikn i have back problems katie is so wierd sometimes i don't get her sometimes i probably should go to the time management lecture it would probably help me out alot since i need help in that area i need to get myself motivated to do work i did alot of work today and i feel like i got alot accomplished i did my laundry i did my chemistry i did my psychology i did my architecture and i did some media journal homework i want my cd burner back these actors are really bad

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you would think that by now there would be no pain. ha. also on my mind is the extensive amount of homework that I have to do this evening. I am also very hungry. what am I going to eat? double-daves sounds good. or what about Chinese? god my teeth hurt. I should've grabbed the Advil when leaving the house this morning. Bummer. I would hate to spend another 5 dollars on another bottle but I don't know if I can go all day without it. I am also concerned with the fact that I just did an hour of pretesting stuff and its not connecting with the server. that could be a problem. ill have to ask about that today in class. it did take almost as hour. I would hate for that to be wasted time. this paper I have to write this evening is really stressing me out. john Winthrop and the Puritan dilemma. what a dilemma. actually it is rather interesting the way people thought back in that day. things have certainly changed. gross- I just rubbed my tongue back to that far forbidden corner in my mouth and felt the stitches. ouch. this probing throb is driving me bananas. obviously. I keep losing my train of thought. how will I ever be able to concentrate on john Winthrop. ill have to wait until I get home and pop a few Advil. or a few hundred as I am feeling right now. just kidding. anyway another thing stressing me out is the fact that my car is in the shop again. I dropped it off this morning and its almost as if my life is in someone else's hands. at least my checking account is. ha, what checking account is more like it. ouch. my freaking teeth. I am going to have to break down and buy some more Advil. that sucks. gosh it's almost 2:00 already. where does the time go? oh yea that pretesting thing and then trying to submit it. I have that it's not lost. maybe I should try and check somehow to see if I can send it through now. well its been twenty minutes. its time to go and get some Advil and relieve my suffering. Eckerd's is probably the least expensive. it kills me that I have to buy more of that. pain medication is not cheap. anyway enough bitching! lets go over to the pretesting website again.

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Wow, those life savers look really good. hot pockets remind me of Austin powers that's a funny movie. I can't wait to go home. I miss a bunch of my friends there and homecoming will be a ton of fun. hey that guy was in the wonder years. I wish tatiana and I could talk about serious topics for once all we do is jokingly insult each other. Zoo keepers?? we can't be zoo keepers, we have to be a famous hollywood couple. The retreat this weekend is going to be so fun and then we'll get to watch the football game! I hope I'll be able to get some studying done. I really need to do better in Spanish, I'm not doing too well in there. I wonder how my campers are doing. Two of them are online right now. Lunch should be pretty fun today. I'm glad classes are finally over, for this week at least. That guy looks really funny with that blue towel around his head. Where are all those loud guys in our hallway. Saturday Night Live used to be such a funny showwhat happened to it?? Chris Farley was one of the funniest guys around. Tom Arnold was in True Liesthat was a GREAT movie.

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MY eyes are closed right now and I'm wondering if I'm doing things correctly. I just talked to my best friend and she is very lonely. I wish I was there with her right now to talk everything out. Its funny how everything builds together to form one big heap of stuff that just explodes in your face. I am looking at the clock and wondering how long twenty minutes is. I want to get this done so can finish all my other assignments. I'm just very exhausted. I've been going nonstop this entire weekend. Just exactly how my fingers are going nonstop as I type words on this keyboard. I feel it in my neck and the back. I just want to go to sleep. . but I must go on if I'm going to finish all my assignments. I'm writingthis with no particular thought about anything. just basically got up and told myself. I think I'm going to do my psychology tonight. and here I am. I'm tired but I don't want to sleep. I don't want my weekend to end. It's been a long eekend so far and its been pretty good. . If I don't sleep yet, maybe I could squeeze in a few more hours of a break. I've never done a stream of conciuosness writing before. Now I am wondering whether I'm doing this right. How can you write exactly what your thinking and feeling right now if you're feeling and thinking so many things. Right now. . its like a list in my head and it's prioritized, exept the other things keep comimg up like little post it note reminders. I'm also wondering if whoever is going to read this will think I'm insane after reading this. I rememberwe talk alot about the definition of insane in psychology. How can we truly define that word? I think everyone has a little insanity in them. Just the way the mind works is so complex and the fact that everyone is different makes defining the term insane pretty difficult and complicated. It's not like there is a standard of being sane. Everybody is different so how do we know what is normal? I think its amazing how I wrote about absolutely nothing and then went on a rant about the meaning of insanity. or normalcy. I have another thought. My uncle is a diagnosed schizophrnic and so is one of my friends. Are they insane? How could they be when being schizophrenic is normal to them? I wonder sometimes if they have a concept of the ideal normal I don't think they do because Schizophrenia is their normal. Besides, who is to judge the ideal normal? I read a book by Timothy Findley about a psychiatrist trying to help out his patient. Basically, it turned out that the psychiatrist himself was having his own problems. Who is he to judge his patient's sanity when he cannot even judge his own? I guess this question is a double edged sword. Take from it what you will. I still have no idea. Anyway, Am I doing this correctly? Oh here's another thought. . How do you know if I'm doing this correctly. it's MY stream of consciousness. Whoever is reading this has no idea if it's normal or insane for me to think these thoughts. For me I think it's normal. I write these kind of thoughts in a journal. I think the only reason why I'm sort of unsure is that I'm actually writing my thoughts for an assignment. I am kind of enjoying this and it has somewhat put my tension and tiredness at ease. I'm actually kind of relaxed now. More sleepy. I think my 20 minutes is up.

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ok. I've finally made it here! you know, I had always thought that once I got to college, the stressful life I once knew back in my home town of Conroe would no longer exist. well, I was so terribly wrong! however, though I am completely busy every second of every day, it's been a blast! yesterday for example: I woke up bright and early at 6:30, had class from 910 and 1011, came back to my beautifully decorated dorm in Jester west and tried for like an hour to get to this page which I later found out was down at the time, then, briskly ran to my philosophy class which lasted from 12, after which I tanned, went back home again to brush my teeth and wash my face before my psy. class (yours!) from 3305. once class was over, my friend johnna and I proceeded to take the long hike back to jester in the rain! (yay!) there, I ate my first meal of the day pot roast! mmmmm. next, I had to walk all the way over to my parking spot on trinity where because I needed to get some clothes my dad brought down for my some time last week that have just been sitting in the trunk of my car getting all wrinkled and nasty. rather than walk back with two armfulls of clothes, I decided to drive back. after the laundry was hanging safely in my tiny closet, I took it upon myself to fight the 630 Austin traffic over to my grandparents house off of Lamar where I was instructed all week by my mother to take my car so it could get a new inspection sticker. while in traffic, I happened to notice that my sticker would not be out of date until November! this was particularly angering to me because tonight from 912 or so, I was to attend a mixer with my pledge sisters and the pledge members of sigma ki and instead of having just a few moments to myself before I had to take another shower and proceed to get ready, I was cooling my heels in a traffic jam for a car inspection sticker that wasn't necessary at the time. however, once at the grandparents house, I did stock up on some much needed food and beverage products. now, I am finally back and I have all of 10 minutes to sit on my floor, watch a little tv and eat some Reesesmini cup. after that, I quickly got ready for the nights planned activity. the party actually turned out to be pretty fun except for the fact the Austin police made two appearances! luckily, neither me or any of my sisters had formal charges brought against them. ok enough of that. only about 6 minutes left and I still have so much to say! let's talk about the future I want to live in a loft apartment in new York city with huge, towering white walls, bay windows, and blackandwhite checkered tile in the kitchen. I hopefully will be an established poet. also, I would like to have a successful career as a professional buyer. now, this job would be just too great for me all day long, I would be able to shop! my clientele would range from movie stars to the rich who haven't the time, or fashion sense, to dress and style themselves. ah! my time here is up! thank you and I hope you have enjoyed the show:)and remember kids: carpe' diem!

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What am I thinking of right now? I am thinking of how different my life now is. it is hard to believe that almost 3 weeks ago I left the city to which I have known as home my entire life <houston> and moved to austin by myself, with really no friends, no family and no place to really call home here. But everyone loves austin, right, and I am really lucky to be here, right? I don't know but all I know is that I hope I made the right choice, my parents and friends, and family members really miss me and I miss them as well. I just really feel so lonely up here, I mean all I really do is study and watch television, not really being very social with that many people. And the weird thing is I am a very social person-- I mean in houston I had I think seven very clost friends, and now I have probably five okay friends that live in the same city as me, and who am I talking to when I am on the phone--my friends from houston, NOT austin. I think I am just in a period of adjustment right now, or at least I think and hope that I am. please do not let my college experience turn into this--my worst dream. why is it so hard for me to move on and make new best friends, it is not like I would forget about my friends from houston, I could be close to both sets of friends, and why is it that no people are out of there way friendly here, is it me? no it cannot be me, that is what I always seem to tell myself, that it is not me. Gosh, I feel like I am having a conversation with myself right now, or that this an entry in my diary or journal or something! But this is truly how I feel at this very moment in time---scared, alone, and wishing that I were somewhere else. I am really not trying to whine or anything, but how am I supposed to feel? I am alone in a city, with nobody close, with whom I can communicate with. And these are supposed to be the best years of our lives, right? Just checking because I plan to hold whoever first said it on that. Other than that, everything is going great, I am keeping up with my classwork, studying every night, with no disturbances. WHY? because I have no friends up here, I realize that I am complaining an awful lot and really exaggerating when I say I have no friends. But like I said earlier: I am a very social person, and when I do not have caring people around me, I feel left out. And that just about ends the twenty minutes, I guess it's on to the next one---and Yes, it does feel good to get this out in the open.

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Life as a college student is not quite like how I had expected. When I was a senior in high school, I thought I was going to be a studious student having a lot fun. But two weeks into college and I'm already slacking off. Most freshman who start off college don't really know what's going on, but I guess you can say that I had an early start. This was because my older sister, Lisa, also attends UT. With this factor, I quickly started to hang out with my sisters friends and began slacking off. So what I am saying is that, if I didn't have someone that knew what was up, than I would probably be having an easier time staying on track. Maybe its just me, but that is how I feel. But I am having a lot of fun, I guess you can say. I met a few people from orientation. They are the people that I am usually with. But I am having a hard time making friends in my classes. It might be because I'm always late to class and I never get a chance to settle down before class starts, probably. Well, I'm hoping to make some really good friends here. Isn't there a saying that a person makes most of their "life long" friends in college? I don't know. I don't even know why I am talking about my personal life for a homework assignment. I don't know if I am even doing it correctly. I guess that I will find out when I get my grade for it. Its been fourteen minutes and I am already running out of things to say. Okay, I'm going to return to what I was talking about in the beginning, SCHOOL life. I really feel that I need to get myself prioritized. I need to catch up with all my work and get ready for my up coming tests. I really don't know what else to write and I think this is about 20 minutes, so that it.

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Right now I just sat down to type this psychology paper. This is the first time I have ever typed a paper like this before, with constant writing. I am used to gathering my thoughts, thinking before I speak but now I am writing whatever pops into my mind. I am thinking about how much this different from something I would do in high school; being able to submit a paper via the internet that is amazing. I am hearing the faint sound of the Houston Astros baseball game in the background, I love baseball so much, this the pennant races are incredible. Hopefully I will get to broadcast the game I love in the future. Well I have an hour until its time to go to work, its nice that the clock is ticking down on my first major writing assignment of college. Astros, I think still losing 3-2 someone just flied out. I'm enjoying the fact that I am able to do this from my own computer, god I would hate to live in a dorm. Sharing and small places are no fun for me. Looking forward to this weekend, big barbecue put on by my friend Mike; we always have legendary times at those. Its just starting to sink in now as I hear God Bless America in the background that today is September 11. It's hard to believe that our country was attacked only two years ago, it seems at least to me that it happened an eternity ago. I really don't agree with what is going on in our country right now, by the way. The wind is blowing pretty good outside right now, for some reason I have not opened the blinds in the house yet. I get really lazy when I am at home. Anyway, this a little easier than I thought it would be. It has really gotten me thinking. I mean how often do we really pay attention to what we are thinking, and are we thinking about something all the time? Consciously? Well I think we got our lead off man on in the 8th we are still down 3-2, I really hope we don't lose to Milwaukee. Man I don't want to go to work today, although 4-9:30 is not that bad, better than 12-9:30. I feel like I am writing in a journal more than doing a project, that is cool that there is actually a clock at the top of the page. Big props to the person who set that up. I was actually considering putting a stopwatch next to me for this assignment, but I quickly realized that was not necessary. I just found out I have discussion section class for geography. I don't get that if you understand the material why do you need a discussion section? I don't get what that is all about, is it for the TA's to feel important or something? Must be a college thing, I guess. It seems like a lot of this stuff is over my head right now. I just quickly glanced at the clock and saw that I have about a minute left. I hope I did alright on this, I mean I wrote what came into my head and luckily avoided any sick and twisted thoughts. P. S (I submitted the paper erroneously earlier today under the wrong class code. My class code is 316 not 315)

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Oh damn! Wednesday was awesome! please give me some water. My friends are funny and so is this movie the brain is really cool with all its disorders and shit for the love my friends are so sarcastic but I love it and I do it too damn I need to stop smoking I'm like a chimney they joke about killing themselves which is really funny because i9 no they're joking I'm normally a good writer damn sorry. the critic is awesome and my professor is so fucking funny I lived in midland too for awhile cool I'm a psychology major I need gum can I have some. Sweet I got some. I'm not suicidal or anything so don't worry I just sneezed and it hurt I hope I don't wake up my roommate this late I'm tired it seems like all my professors smoke weed. tight! anyways puppies hahahaha anyway I miss my dog and my dead cat I have ocd not surprising I think its genetic but my mom wont admit it and I just realized how much I love them because I could imagine them at my age and relate I almost feel sorry for being so hard on them almost hahahaha I'm hungry I'm good at Spanish TACO C sweet! please help me! just joking again. god damn this is so fucking long oohh sexual stimulation like the rat that was so funny the astros suck dave chappelle rox ooooowwwww shit! that hurt. whatever. the simpsons sweet ummm sleep balh blah balh blah blah I can't think my friends are heavy wow I miss my friend in the air force he says it sux : ( like that insert I like my linguistics class this is all bullshit and so is life. why are we here? oohh too cliché sorry I'm im I'm im I'm I'm im I'm im I'm whatever "because this is my united states of whatever. I don't mind bush or Kerry. they're both right. but I don't see why shit I forgot oh people in Austin are so liberal to the point of offense. maybe I'm blind (not literally) sigh puke? no pee oh. I love the graduate and Donnie darko is my favorite movie ever but I actually saw it when it first came out I like I like I like I like maybe its a hotel sorry took a brake oh I think I can actually relate a lot to the movie because my family is just like that children with problems with drugs (psychiatric or other) in a wealthy family with the money craved superficial mom and many marriages on either side and divorce with children all over the place and step dad lawyer asshole. did good in school mental problems family support of prescription drugs grandmother and

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WELL, I'M FINALLY DOING MY HOMEWORK. THATS GOOD SO FAR. I REALY LIKE THIS PSYCHOLOGY CLASS. MY PROFESSOR IS PRETTY COOL. HE'S THE ONLY TEACHER WHO MAKES ME LAUGH. EDP IS SO BORING. ITS LIKE BEING IN HIGH SCHOOL. MAN, HIGH SCHOOL IS FINALLY OVER ATLEAST. I'M FINALLY IN THE REAL WORLD. IT FEELS GOOD TO GO TO UT. IT'S LIKE I'M LIVING A DREAM. THIS IS SO COOL. I REALLY NEED TO CONCNTRATE ON MY SCHOOL WORK, THOUGH. IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT, THOUGH, WITH WORK AND ALL. I HAVE TO TAKE AN EXTREMELY HARD TEST AT THE OLIVE GARDEN TOMARROW. I HOPE I PASS. I CAN'T WAIT UNTILL I START MAKING SOME GOOD MONEY. SPEAKING OF MONEY, I'M RUNNING LOW. TIME TO SEN WORD TO GOOD OL'E MOM. SHE'S SO GOOD TO ME. I SURE DON'T WANT TO LET HER DOWN. I MISS HER AND MY FATHER, AND ESPECIALLY BOTH OF MY BROTHERS. I HAVE SO MUCH FUN WHEN I'M WITH THEM. I MISS PLAYING FOOTBALL WITH CODY. THAT WAS A LOT OF FUN. I'LL NEVER FORGET MY HOMECOMING GAME ON MY SENIOR YEAR WHEN I HT THAT GUY. THAT WAS SO AWESOME. I'LL NEVER FORGET WHEN THEY HD TO MEDI-VAC HIM OFF OF THE FIELD. THAT WAS SO COOL. I'LL NEVER FORGET HOW I FEALT WHEN THEY HAD TO STOP THE GAME BECUSE HE LOST COUNTIOSNESS. EVERYBODY IN SCHOOL STARTED CALLING ME K. O. , FOR KNOCK OUT. I WISH I COULD PLAY SOME FOOTBALL FOR U. T. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. I'M GOING TO TAKE CRYSTAL TO THE NEXT GAME. I CAN' BELIEVE I'VE BEEN WITH HER FOR SO LONG. I GUESS THAT MEANS I'M DOING GOOD. I'M GOING TO COLLEGE, I HAV A JOB, AND A STEADY RELATIONSHIP. SO FAR SO GOOD. I CAN'T WAIT UNTILL I GET THAT DEGREE AND PUT SOME OF THIS KNOWLEDGE TO USE. MAN, ITS ONLY BEEN 11 MINUTES. I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY MANANA AND IT'S GETTING KIND OF LATE. BUT, HEY, ATLEAST I'M BEING CONSTRUCTIVE. WHEN I WENT TO WORK EARLIER, I GOT TO TAKE SOME FOOD TO A COUPLE OF TABLES. I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS, BUT I DID WELL. ONCE GET INTO THE SWING OF THINGS, I BET IT WILL GO SMOOTH. IT BETTER. IF IT DOESN'T, I'LL FIND A LESS STRESSFUL JOB. THE MONEY AT THE OLIVE GARDEN BETTER COMPENSATE FOR THE STRESS. MY MANAGER IS PRETTY COOL. SHE'S GOING TO WORK AROUND MY SCHEDULE. I WONDER WHAT THIS THING IS GOING TO TELL ME AT THE END? I HOPE MAKE A GOOD GRADE IN PSY. SHOOT, ALL MY CLASSES BETTER COME OUT WITH A GOOD GRADE. I'M AFRAID OF FAILURE. I WANT TO DO REALLY WELL AND SUCCEED. SUCCEED IN LIFE AS WELL. I'VE ALREADY MADE A TON OF FRIENDS, AND I'VE ONLY BEEN TO SCHOOL FOR A WEEK. WHEN THE FIRST SEMESTER IS COMPLETE, I'LL BE USED TO EVERYTHING AD START HAVING SOME FUN. BUT UNTILL THEN, I MUST CONCENTRATE ON EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.

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so far this class seems alright. I means the girls in this class look pretty good. there's this one girl in there, I haven't talked to her yet but I have to because she 's always looking at me. she looks pretty cute, but I can tell she is young. there's this other Hispanic girl who has real tight curly hair . she looks incredible. shit all the girls in there do well who ever is reading this can probably tell hat I think about sex a lot. its strange because I always find myself daydreaming about having a wife and kids, you know having a real family. going to visit y folk and other friends with my kids. but it like no how hard I try, after I have sex with a lady, I just lose total respect for them, I just look at there flaws and I only look at the negative. with me, the way I think about a girl is totally different after we engage in hot intense intimacy. some times I don't know if it is just irrational thought processes or what. I know its not normal. but what is normal. normal is what society says is ok. but who is the society, whites blacks Hispanic, the melting pot of the us. or the world. there are so many different cultures and societies that essayist that who is to say that their ways are better then anybody else's. how can you say that is right and that is wrong because society deems it that way. if society is forever changing, are our moral standards to be forever changing as well. well it has been so far in our human history. times up, nice talking with you

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Right now as I am witing this paper I am thinking about wether I should go to class today or if I would be okay if I did not go at all. If I do notgo it will be okay becasue I can read in my book and then just go to si and still do fine, but I do have a mid term on the 20th in my psychology class which could pose a problem that will be in seven days on next monday. I have to start studyning and reading or I will not get the gpa I need to transfer into thw business schopol. I do not even know why I want into that shcool so badly I thinkthat it is mainlky because of the repect that schoo,l demands. where as the liberal arts schol is more of the blow off lazy person school for peopl who want to be Managers of local McDonalds. Ohh and I have some bills to pay today. I wish I was rich and could aford all the things I wanted without material wants I believe my life woud be a lot easier than it is right now. IF I had all the money than I would have no stress. Without stress I can relax and enjoy life. I know that people sa that money is the root of all evil and money will never make you haooy, and I believe in this 100%. but I do believe that if I were to have enough money to live comfortably and get anything with in reason that I would be beter off. I am talking with my girlfriend of almost 10 months right now and she is distracting me from my work by talking to me and arguing with me about different things. We have an over all good relationship nd very rarely argue. this is mainly because she has a very low self esteem and will not stand up for herself inan argument. I onn the other hand am very cnfrontational and when something is not good with kme I will let the people it involves know. Where she will not. I like her a lot and so do al my friends and parents, but sometimes I have considered especially after three weeks of coleg what it would be like to be single again and able to date many people. I somewhat miss it, but at the same time do not I think for now I will stay with my girlfriend. I just thought I ave to call my stors manager and report one of my fellow employees. He is stealing product from the store, and there is a big reward if someone reports him and he is found guilty. I think he will be found guilty, but I am wondering wether or not I made the right decision in turnign himin, but thne again I could get up to $5000. So since I am there to make mone not friends I think I am making he right decision. Wle finally my twenty minutes is oming to a close this is a hard assignent it is hard to think and write in conjunction. I am not used to this since I hae never kept a diary or anything ike that, I guess for those that have kept a diary this assignment is a simple one. well there it is all done. Bye

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Metallica. Some of the old stuff so its a lot more music and fewer lyrics. But really, now that I think about it, twenty minutes is a long time to write. At some times, my head is full of random thoughts I can write about but there are not too many tonight. I think part of that is because I am tired. I knew Mondays would be long when I registered for classes and ended up with a lab from seven to nine on monday night. But today seemed long. At least my classes are manageable except for Calculus. I think I will have to work harder to keep up in that class. Actually work hard just to stay with it instead of working to be far ahead. Well maybe I won't have to take too many more difficult math classes after the next couple of semesters, especially if I transfer out of elec. engineering and go into the business school. But I heard the other day that not many of the classes you take in the engineering courses transfer well to business so I may have to start over. I know that the computer science course I added will not transfer but I decided to take it anyway because I would like to know how to program at least in a general way. Never know when that could come in handy. It sure has been hot the last few days. Weeks. Months. I have also had to walk all over campus just to get all of the administrative stuff out of the way like paying my add bill today and getting the sports package over at the stadium. I got a lucky break and got to pay in the UGL instead of having to wait in the very long line for the cashiers in the main building. A lot of stuff has happened in the last few weeks. I wonder how Tricia is doing. And Daniel. And Chad. He really had a tough week last week. I feel bad about writing that screwy email. It just reminded him that he didn't get to go to the college he wanted. I wonder what caused the extra fees? Too bad he won't get to play football for them. That reminds me that we are going to the game Saturday. I need to go get tickets tomorrow. In the morning after class. The food has gotten bad over the last few days. Maybe it comes in cycles of the stuff I like. Or maybe they just serve the good, fresh stuff the first week or so to give the impression that the food is actually good. That is the funnier one to tell. It is always good to have a good cafeteria joke for all of the family and other people back home. Sterotypes of college. Most are at least partway true but sometimes it gets tiresome trying to explain the real so you just let them believe it and so forth and so on this paper is dragging on I really don't think they mean to read them all. Should I include all of this stuff or just do some selective deleting? I guess if anyone reads this they will never know anyway. What do you think? Do you think I deleted anything? That will remain one of life's little (very little) mysteries. That about does it for the twenty minutes. Only a few seconds to go. I wonder if I will finish with this sentence or if it will go on until the time

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I'm hungry. I want some ice cream but I don't want to walk downstairs to go get it. A massage sounds nice, doesn't it? Ryan said he'd give me a better one next time I drove to College Station to stay there again. But I don't know if I'll stay at Joey's again or not, it's just awkward with the whole Stephanie situation. I don't know what to do about her. She just ruins everything. Joey deserves so much better than her. But oh well, I have Thomas now. He seems like a really sweet guy. I was at first intimidated by him being so old, well I guess he's not really that old, just 21. But he will turn 22 in October. It still is kind of intimidating, but it's not that bad. I wonder if he'll call me back tonight. He called me earlier and I returned his call but he wasn't home. I wonder if he'll ask me to OU or if it will be assumed or what. Who knows. And I wonder if he goes for that whole cooler and painting and stuff. It was fun last year decorating Erin's OU stuff. I'm going to go broke so soon. That's why I might go home this weekend, I wouldn't have to pay for anything, lol. Hmm. I don't know. I'll probably go home, I haven't said anything to my parents yet, but I know my mom will most likely be jumping for joy. It doesn't seem like a month and a week since I've been up at school. It doesn't seem that long at all. I need to go check my laundry. Hmm. I bet it's done. Well never mind, I guess I won't be bringing Erin to A&M this weekend. I wonder when she was planning on telling me. Oh well, not my problem I guess. I was kind of hoping to see Brian, though. I already told him I might be coming down, oh well. I doubt he'll remember or really even care that much. That boy needs to get his butt up here to see me! I'm sure he will sometime. I wonder if Thomas will dress up for our KD confidential. What rock star would I be? I was kind of thinking the whole Madonna theme, with the cone bra and everything but I was totally kidding! I don't think I'd have the courage to waltz into Park Avenue with a cone bra on. I don't know what kind of rock star I'd be, though. I guess I have lots of choices. Cher. nah, I don't think I'd want to be her. I'm tired. I haven't been able to sleep much lately. I actually went to bed early last night but I kept waking up, which sucks because the whole point of going to bed early is get some sleep, but noooooooo that would've been too easy. Oh well. I don't think I like Kelli. It's like she's trying to take over my life, it's very annoying. Why does Nicole always seem to come in here when I'm trying to study? Ugh. Oh well. Baskin Robbins sounds good right about now. I have a car this year which is a lot nicer. I want to go tubing still. It seems like I can just never get there. Either everyone's gone or no one wants to go or we don't have the money. but I want to go, dammit! I need a tan, I haven't laid out in so long, but if I go home this weekend, I'll definitely be swimming and I'll get a tan then. I also want to go home to see my dog, I haven't even seen him yet! He weighs 5 pounds now! Doobie doobie doo. my car needs to be washed so badly! I drove around forever today looking for a car wash. There are so many gas stations here but do they have car washes, noooooo that would be too easy! Life just seems like it's out to get me sometimes. Anything I want to happen, the exact opposite always seems to happen. Will life ever seem to go my way? Even Thomas is going back to Houston in the spring for some job or something but it's only for 2 and a half months, but I'm totally getting ahead of myself about that situation. I don't know what to do about guys, they're so damn complicated. They're so stupid. Erin is so happy, I'm so jealous of her and Pat. He totally adores her. I want someone to adore me, but noooooo that would make life too easy, too. Chris could adore me, but I know it's bad, but he's Hispanic and I think that would make life so hard. Some people can be so cruel and I don't want to be ridiculed or stared at or something. But Chris is so totally sweet, he would be just wonderful, I know he would. But I totally don't know how my mother would react to me dating a Hispanic guy. And my grandparents would have a shit fit, but he's so wonderful and I know he would treat me totally right. Maybe I will someday, but he's not even here, he's at a&m and god knows I've dated 4 aggies! 4! It's just ridiculous. Food food food food food food food food food food food food, I'm hungry. I'm going so broke, I don't know how I'll make it through the year, I might have to work in the spring but I think that would make life so hard with the sorority and school and I totally don't want to use up my weekends. Dude, I just don't understand why Joey broke up with me. I know he and Stephanie are together. She's so psycho. I hate her. I only hate 2 people in my life and she's one of them. Life is so unfair, I would treat him so much better than her. I just don't get it! Aggghhhhhh! Ah well, something better is in store for me, right? I hope so anyways. I want an apt. I get so sick of Amy running up and down the hall every night screaming, I swear, does she just get drunk every night??? I'm getting so tired of it. Yuck. Someone's teacher is in jail, no never mind, I'm listening to erin's conversation. I really hope our friendship doesn't fall apart because we're roommates. I think she gets tired of me sometimes and it really hurts me. She gets in these moods like Angela does and I really don't want us to end up like me and Angela. I thought our friendship would be different. But Kelli's also getting on my nerves, she's totally taking away Erin from me. Ugh, I just can't stand her now. I want to take a hot bath. I want to cook something. I want to curl up in a small blanket and watch sad country love songs on CMT. 2 more minutes. This is taking forever. I think I'll go get some ice cream after this, no I really need to check my laundry. Someone's probably already taken my clothes out of the wash and they're just sitting on top of the dirty washing machine now. Great. I don't understand some people. Whoops, I need to call Brian, too. I will whenever I get done with this. One more minute. Our room smells so good, Erin's burning some candles. Does Nicole ever study? I don't think so. She's kind of getting on my nerves, too, taking away Erin.

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1

I awake. From sleep. I don't know. I walk to the window. Stop short. Who's there? A man calls out, I don't know his name. Because he is my father. Black night, cold rain. Stop. Before I choose I want to know. Stop. Awake. I can't. I don't. Even though you are there. The bird it flies. I stop to catch it's beauty, I have never seen this. I ponder my posture, I slant. You stood, you go to the store for some breakfast. I can't eat, you know that, but you insist. I refuse. We fight we braek we die. All for the love. The window it breaks. It shatters. Understand me, I am right. You don't know, you can't know. You don't understand. I can't seem to think with all the windows breaking. The grass is soft on my brown feet. My brown feet. My clown feet. My hair is dense. I see my reflection. I am cold. Who is that? The only thing I see is my reflection. It knows I'm here. I know I'm late. My hand hurts. I bite it off. It's full of nutrients. The back of my head aches, is it the clown? No it's me, I am your clown. I am your savior. The blue ice hates to see it go. The penguin, the clown, they get together. How am I going to tell my mom. Bloom. Prosper and perish. I die and you prosper. The only thing you am I know it is I can't. Follow the thought. Train your mind. Eat at Joe's. The full of my stomach eats at my liver. My house has the potential for greatness. The stops are all out. Pull me back into the water. I can't drown, I'm invincible, didn't you know? Ask me again. Try not to speak. Move your lips without speaking. Speak your lips without moving. I'm falling asleep and I don't think you can stop me. The game is mine. I have won and you have lost. Ask me agian. I ate your pony if you will play with me. The back of my head hurts again. My reflection is laughing at me. Black laugh, why do you do it? Brown feet,my mud is clean. My belt gets whiplash. A cornea operation. We play the game. Again, again,and again. I lose and lose, I can't help it. Yes i can, but i don't want to. It might hurt. Bow. Curtsey. Do your dance. Make the jester happy. Cornrows, fields of wheat. Ha! I laugh at your jokes. I'm crying. Confused, Understood. Understand. I can't . I missed my chance. The pondwater makes me ill. I'm done. It make me green. I'm green. We are all green. Does that pose a problem? No 'm not ask me again. Bye. Don't go. Don't even think about leaving. You cruel hateful person. Lampshade. Where the hell is my bloody lampshade? I'm sorry, was that yours? What do you think ponyman? The question is yours the answer is mine. Can we switch? I don't think so. Didn't think so.

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23

yes, here i am, finally. I never thought i would be doing this, ever. This is so weird. it's so weird, whenever i'm under any type ofpressure, i can never type well. it's so weird. but it's probably pretty common. everyone gets underpressure. i hate it thoguh. because i never feel like i'm a good typist. i never was though. even when first started learning in 5th grade. i was always the last one to finish my lines, or whatever. 5th grade. that was so long ago. i was just thinking about that the other day. i remember that was a grade of so many changes. i just realized that i'm very nostalgic. i constantly look back on my past. maybe that's becasue i was sexually abused as a child. it's weird. i just read a quote a couple of weeks ago that said life can can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. That's so true. because i believe that everything in anyone's life, the way they are, their personality, their mannerisms, their characteristics, everything- stems from childhood. if someone is abused as a child, they will either become an abuser themself, or even worse, a serial killer, or they will spend the rest of their life dealing with it as best they can, praying to god that it will never happen again to them, or anyone else they love. that's me, i think. i'm obviously not going to abuse myslef, nor bacome a serial killer. i don't think. haha. no, i'm just kidding. don't worry, it's weird how one's thoughts wander, isnt it? i could never picture myself being a serial killer. i just hate dead bodies. they make me have nightmares. well, not really. but after i saw that movie, seven. . oh my gosh. i think my brain even squirmed. it was a good plot, though. i will admit that. that's another thing. you know how people criticize people like eminem and marilyn manson, and other outreagous people in the media? sometimes they can't help their success. sometimes they are just stopped on the street, and some exec says, hey i wnat to make money off of your emotions. and that's just what they do. they make huge names out of these people just so they can money, and then the stars themslves are happy because they can express themselves and they make money. so tehir success is just plain luck ,a lot of the time. so you can't always blame those peolpe for their success. blame the people that signed them. . okay, my 20 min are up, so i'm going to go now. wow, this was very theraputic , in a way. i'm goi g to make chicken parmesan tonight!! yum!!

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1

It was very frustrating to get on to the web site. However, the weekends are fun. I get to see my friends that are not at this school. This weekend I went home to see one of my friends who signed with the Kansas City Royals. I also got to see two of my best friends that are guys. One goes to TCU and the other goes to Tomball Community college. He was supposed to go to Georgia to swim, but two days before school started, he called, and they told him that his spot on the team was gone. Now he is writing other colleges and the Yale coach called him. If he does not swim, he will probably come here next semester. I also got to see my boyfriend. He goes to Baylor. He was my best friend first and now we are together. It is great. However, I miss him a lot. He is the sweetest guy I know. Anyway, right now I am borrowing a friends computer because mine doesn't work. It is really a pain. I need to go tomorrow to the computer to have them install my Ethernet card. It is not compatible with my laptop. I am right now in the school of business. However, I am really interested in psychology, and am thinking of changing my major. My dad thinks this is a terrible idea. My mom thinks I should do what will make me happy. I guess I need to get as much information as I can about the type of jobs that I can get with a psychology degree and the amount of school I will have to complete. I will also need to see what schools have good psychology departments. I really do not want to go here next year. I want to go somewhere smaller with less freaks. I will probably stay in the state. I will probably go to A&M of Baylor. Oh well, I guess I have a while to decide.

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Im not sure where to start at thinking. Of course I'm used to thinking and all. I guess. I am really sleep right now. I am always sleepy. oh, and im so used to not doing the correct english thing. like with caps and punctuation and all. i hope that doesnt take off from grading. oh well. when i first signed in my native instinct was to sign onto aim. i always do that. i love talking to my friends. i miss them so much. im sure ill find some here that are great and i will never want to let them go. but for now, the computer chat thing will do. oh!! im so excited because one of my good friends that i met probably one month before i came here is suppose to visit right before thanksgiving holiday. he'll probably stay here for two nights then come back to longview with me and my sister. hopefully. im really excited about tonight. me and two of my friends from high school are going to the concert thing at 7:20! i can't wait. i can't wait. there are so many things i need to do. like set up an online account for my bank, check status on my sister's book that i have to buy for her, do the pretesting for psy class. i wonder what that is about. im almost hesitant to sign up for experiments but i know it will be good for me. haha. when i told my friend, his name is bryant, that i had to do this writing assignment he told me that it was going to be just his name over and over again. good thing its not. one of my favorite things to do in longview is to go to book-a-million. i say i don't like it to some people but i really do because i am surrounded by books. there's so many of them. i love looking at pictures! the way the earth comes together as a whole and works so well. it amazes me. its so quiet around here. there's just the sound of typing and i think someone is moving back in forth in his/her chair because there is an occassional thud. oh well. i hope other assignments are as interesting as this one. good thing i can delete my mess ups because im making tons of them. i'm so used to having the computer fix the caps or the right punctuations. yeah, the teachers probably shouldnt tell kids that are learning in school that the computer does that or theyll become lazy. like half of students. i wish i knew some great jokes to tell. add some spice into this. uh, assignment. well my sister did tell me one the other day but i can't remember some of it. i hope everything is okay with judy. i know it must be hard living in laredo with so much of nothing to do. haha, she called last night when me and christina were watching VAN WILDER, such a great movie, and she wouldnt shut up. so me and christina would joke around that she was being like mom. that was good. i love being able to joke with my sisters. theyre so much fun. well two of them. anyway, i keep looking at the finish button and i read it over and over again. so its difficult to think when u read FINISH constantly. my wrist are hurting. stupid edge of the table. they should really see about fixing that. im sure it could cause some kind of danger to computer uses in the far future. woops. i just kicked something. hope it wasnt important. what to think? i not sure. i look around and i see a scanner, a white, plain wall, many letters and numbers, some monitors, a sun(picture of a sun that is) a pen. it doesnt really smell much like anything around here. so whats going on with the clear mouse? i don't understand it. i mean i do but whats the point. its like a high quality ghetto mouse. it pretty much only has one clicker, uh button. speaking of button. i was suppose to do something with autumn. oh yeah, she said no because i was with someone she doesnt get along with. oh well her loss. i wonder what the people in lview are doing right now?blue, i think that is one of my favorite colors. of course its always been.

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29

Ok, so I guess I am just going to start writing about anything. Today has been a busy day, I got a lot of things done that I needed to so that is kind of a relief. I am really stressed out right now so I am trying to organize what I need to get done in my head. I finally get to move into my new home tomorrow after class. I have been homeless for the past month. The past few weeks I've been staying with friends but it really sucks not having a place of your own. I feel really disorganized right now and I hate to start the school year out that way. The next few days are going to be busy moving in. I got UT vs. OU tickets today. That's one thing I don't have to worry about anymore. But now I need to get that trip organized. Casey, Karoly, Austin, and C. J. have all committed. I need at least one more person to commit so the hotel room won't be too expensive. That shouldn't be hard though so I am not going to think about that now. I really want to go running right now but it's the middle of the day and really hot. I think I might go anyways. Then I'll come back and shower, pick up Casey from class at 5:40, and start getting ready to go out. The band we're going to see starts at 8. That is going to start the night out early. But, I guess that is a good thing because then it will end early, which means more sleep before class in the morning. I am listening to some music right now that makes me want to dance! What sucks is that I can't dance though. I wonder why God gives some people rhythm and some not. I hate not having rhythm because I love music. People say that everyone can dance, just do it, but I am proof that that is not true. Oh well. I need to get over that. My neck hurts, I guess I slept on it wrong. I hate it when I have a crick in my neck. I really feel like running today. I wonder why. Running dancing where is all this energy coming from? I haven't gotten much sleep in the past couple days. I think my body does better when I don't get as much sleep. When I sleep late I feel depressed that I wasted part of the day and I am still tired. Today I woke up early and I feel productive. Let's see what all I did. I went early and tried to draw football tickets. They told me to come back later so I went back to my friend's place and called my mom. I made a dentist appointment which is long overdue, drove to my storage place and paid a bill, found out I could move in tomorrow at 3:00, bought a few CDs I've been wanting, went out to eat for lunch, and then went and got the football tickets. Now I am doing some homework. Next I am going to run, hopefully not die of a heat stroke, then tonight I have a ticket to see a band play I have been wanting to see. That will be fun. I thought about taking a nap but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I guess I'll just have a couple cups of coffee before I start drinking some beers. Well, it looks like my time is up. This assignment reminds me of my emails to my friends. I just sit down and type whatever comes out and they end up being really long, boring, and pointless. Kind of nice I get to do it for a grade and not annoy my friends. Peace out.

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25

I can hear my roommate clicking on her mouse as she searches for something over the Internet. She's doing her homework, which, to me, seems overwhelming. It's not like high school where even the hardest classes were easy. They were all just blow off courses to me. I never had to really work because the teachers never really graded. College is different though. It's real. High school never counted for anything, but college can determine your whole life. That is what worries me. I feel that one little screw up can ruin my entire life. I have so many worries, so many fears of the future, of making a wrong turn. Man. I look at it now and run into a corner, trying to hide from it. I remember I use to think high school was important, but it never was. I always felt I wasted my high school years. I should have spent more of it doing things I shouldn't have been doing, not doing things I should have been doing. I could have had more fun, I guess. I did have a lot of friends, though. But, I recently met an acquaintance from high school; he didn't think I had any friends. How sad, I thought. He thought I was a loner and made me name all my friends. I didn't even get through half of them, and he said to stop. It's strange. This is the guy whose motto is don't judge. He judged. Everyone judges, even those who promise they won't. I guess in a way he's a hypocrite, but everyone is a hypocrite. That's what's wrong with this world. Society always makes rules, they tell others don't do something, but yet, they still end up doing it themselves. My friend told me that if evil didn't exist then there could be no good. There would be no standards for good. That's very true, I thought. Everyone would always be on the same ground, and no one could be called a genuinely good person. That wouldn't exist and the happiness from finding one who is actually genuinely good wouldn't exist either. Then there's one less thing to be happy about in this world. We need all we can get. There are to many starving people in this world, too many sick, dying, thirsty. There are always abundances where they aren't wanted and not enough where it is wanted. Like recently, Australia was overcome with huge floods. I remember having to take off my shoes and roll up my pants to walk through a river that wasn't supposed to be there. Dead fish floated in it because the water was so cold. There was too much water there, not enough here. But this memory was happy, nonetheless. It was a strange thing that I would normally not have to do. I stood on the tip of my toes with my gear slung over my back and shoulders and walked carefully as to not step on the mounds of dead fish sitting on the river bend. The fish were sad. They died of cold, but in a way it was fascinating to see them. They were being eaten away by bacteria, and their eyes were huge and black, and empty. Their fins were torn up and gills were opened from the bacteria chewing at them. It was horrible, but at the same time fascinating and wonderful. How strange. I'm so against killing animals, but at the same time, something like this is a magnificent sight. I guess that makes me a hypocrite too. No one can avoid being a hypocrite no matter how hard they try. I say I try not to act on my judgments, but I always do, if not then there could be no opinions, and everyone would be naive. In a way though, I have it better than others, I think. I don't see people when I think of them; instead I see the colors I associate with them. How strange, I always think, but that's how I really do see them. I can never see a person unless I actually try to look at their face and when I do, it's strange. It's not familiar. I looked at my sister's face, and even though I've known her my entire life, I was surprised that is the way she actually looks. How strange. My friends think I'm strange for that reason I think. I can't see a person, I can only see their colors, and when I look at a person, they don't seem like the person I know. Because of this, I never look at people anymore. I forget how they look, but I always remember the feeling they give me when I'm around them and the emotions they stir up. I think this is the best way to think. I'm glad I can't see like I'm supposed to. I always have a layer before real sight, and it's wonderful.

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10

I am sitting here in the computer lab of my dorm at SRD, even though I have a computer in my room. I have been too lazy to go buy a network card in order to get the internet on my computer. I have absolutely no idea how to use the internet. In fact, some girl at my dorm had to show me how to get onto this website. Hopefully, I will be able to learn how to use it pretty soon, especially for this class. I don't think I'm going to do very well in this class because I don't know anything about psychology. If my study habits don't improve, then I might not do very well in any of my classes. My math class is kicking my butt!!!! I have tried so hard to do my homework, but I don't know how to do a lot of it. I have a test on Friday and I know I'm not going to do very well at all. I need to do good on this test since it is the first one in the class. I don't know what to expect on college tests because I never really had to study in high school. I just got off the phone with my best friend from home; she is a year younger than me. I miss her so much. She is the one person that I can talk to for hours about nothing. I was supposed to go home in two weeks to see her, I can't. She was upset when I told her. I promised her that I would be home to see her in three weeks though. My sorority is Delta Gamma, and it is so much fun. I have so much going on in the next two weeks with my sorority, which is why I can't go home to see my best friend. All the girls are so sweet and I know I'm going to like it a lot. I am very excited about being in Austin because in Mt. Pleasant, there is nothing to do ever. We get excited about going to a nice restaurant to eat. My home town is pretty small; it only has about 13,000 people. Everybody in the whole town knows whenever something happens. The high school football games are the entertainment for Friday nights. I guess there are some good points about living in Mt. Pleasant though. I have some of the best friends I've ever had from my home town. Also, I get excited about little things that girls from big cities don't get excited about. My classes have more people in them than all of my graduating class. I am amazed that there are so many people at this college! I didn't really get lost on the first day, mainly because I looked at my map for two days. I am about to go work out because I don't want to gain the freshman fifteen like everyone says I will. I don't have room on my body to gain any more weight!!!! I don't really watch what I eat though. I do some exercises and I walk a million miles to class everyday. How do people gain weight here whenever classes are a million miles apart? I am so tired because it is late at night, but I wanted to get one assignment over with early. My twenty minutes is almost up. I have so much to do tomorrow; I have class from 11 to 5. I am dreading it. Then I have a meeting at 6:00 and I have to study for math. I am going to sixth street tomorrow night if I get through studying in time. Well, my time is finally up and I am so proud of myself for getting this done on time because I usually procrastinate.

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5

I enjoy my life so much right now, but I am also at a really tuff time in my life right now. I love Austin and UT, but my boyfriend lives back home. Things are great between us, but it is so hard not being able to see him everyday. I miss the little things, like just being able to drive 5 minutes to go to his house, now it takes me over three hours to go to his house. I guess though that when I do get to see him, that the time we spend together is more valuable. I never realized how much we took for granted the fact that we used to live so close together. Now just to hear his voice costs money. I miss him so much. I have faith that things will work out between us, it is just going to be a long hard road through college. We have a lot of growing up to do though too. We both have a huge jealously problem, which is part of the reason we broke up the first time we were together. Whenever trusted each other enough to let the other one go out with their friends, so we were always together, and eventually I guess we just got bored of each other. I think the biggest mistake we ever made, was breaking up because a lot of things happened during the time we were broken up that puts strain on our relationship now. Although I have to thank my parents for sending me down to provisionals this summer, because when I left, Adam realized that if we did not work things out soon, we were never going to be together again, because I was not going to wait around for him. I love Adam so much, I thank God everyday that I met him. He has been my best friend for three years now, and I couldn't think of anyone that has helped me through as much stuff as he has. He has always been there for me, except for when we broke up, and he only left because it hurt him to be around me. Other than that Adam is the person that has helped me through the toughest times in my life. No matter what happened during the day, Adam can always make me feel better. He can make all my worries fade.

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15

I am sitting here in my dorm room trying to organize my time for the rest of the day and night. I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I have trouble sitting down reading for a long period of time. I would rather sit in a lecture and listen to a professor. That is, if he/she is interesting. I want to read and understand my psychology book, but for some reason I haven't been able to concentrate on it. I feel like I am behind in this class for some reason. My mom graduated with a degree in psychology. She loved it. My biology class is my favorite. My professor is interesting and the book is interesting to me too. I wish I knew what I wanted to be. I have so many different ideas and I can't decide right now. I talked to my mom today and she suggested marine biology because she knew I used to be interested in that. She also suggested being a doctor. I don't know if I can go to school for 8 more years though. Four more years seems like a lot to me. But I know I will do it. I just feel weird right now I guess because I am just starting. I am 3 and a half hours away from home. I like it here but I miss it there. I always have a lot on my mind and I think that is why it has been hard to concentrate on reading lately. Eight months ago, 2 days before Christmas, my boyfriend of 3 years, Phillip, was killed in a car accident. I almost didn't come to UT because he was supposed to follow me here and live in Austin too so we could be together. I thought about that a lot the first week I was here. It is just really hard. This is one of the reasons I am being in my reading for philosophy and psychology. I've been doing homework all week making up for last week. When it comes to school work I love being ahead. Which is why I am doing this writing assignment a week in advance. I'm hoping that I will feel better when I finish this and I will be able to read 2 chapters and comprehend it. When I stay ahead in school I always feel so much better. I like to read the sections before lectures rather than after. I am the type of person that takes on big load and I tend to get stressed out easy that way. I decided that when I came here I was strictly going to concentrate on school. In high school I had a full schedule of ap classes, a job, and participated in athletics. I loved all of it but I decided I need a break from every thing else which is why I'm not working this semester. I worked 6 days a week this past summer to save up for spending money this year so that I would not have to worry about working. My parents are paying for my school and all my bills, even my gas so I don't ever want to ask them for spending money. I received some scholarship money from Dobie, UT from my home town. We have community scholarship that they give out every year. There was a scholarship made in Phillips name this year. I got that one. That made me feel good I guess. I like being here but it is just really weird. I hope I adjust to Austin soon. I already like it a lot better than when I first move here 2 weeks ago. My best friend Stephanie helped me move down here and it was hard when she had to go back home, but I am going to see here this weekend so that makes me happy

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This is a little confusing. I am not quite sure what I ahould be doing. Oh well I guess it really doesn't matter. I am glad I am going home this weekend. I really miss everyone. It will cool to just hang out at home and not have to worry about what I should be doing right now. College is a lot of reading. I am actually learning a lot more than I learned in a whole semester of high school. I enjoy that but it does get to be a bit tedious, expecially science. Well iguess it can only get better form here on. I was confused about a lot of stuff, like what to do with all of my spare time. I was going to have a job but then they took away my work study and now I have too much free time. That's okay because I didn't really want to work anyway. But I can't believe the lady never called be back. Tha t is just rude etiquette. Oh well. There's nothing I can do about it anyway. I wonder why we are shunned by our dorm mates. I guess we weren't social enough or something. We tried. But at least they aren't outright mean to us, they are just very cordial and you know what that means. Doh! Oh well. It's fun rooming with Ashley, I just don't know why she chooses to bother me on purpose sometimes. I think she can be very immature at times. But I would rather put up with that than with someone who barely talks or just doesn't like me for whatever reason. I don't want to go to all those meetings tonight that sucks! Maybe I just won't go. But I probably will. I can't shirk my responsibilites just because I don't want to. Maybe some people need to do that once in a while though. I wonder what Plato would have to say about that. His books are cool. I like the idea of Socrates just sitting around waiting to confuse people. If you make people question their own values, then what do you consider as your values? I don't know. LThat's just odd.

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19

Calaculus is thr one road block in my college education. It's not that I hate math, I would much rater deal with numbers than people but I'm pretty bad at both. I giot my roomates girl friend to help me with tonites HW. Turns out I got the all right but did them totally wrong. I guess this is stream of consciosness. Hey the new Cris Cornell video is on! I loved soundgarden but Cornells neew stuff just dosent have that bite. I probably liked them beacause Matt Cameron, Sound gardens drummer, was an early inspiration to my own drumming. I love to drum. I'm happyi live in an apartment so my roomates and I can just play. I cont think id be able to play in a dorm! I read a couple books that worked along the stream of consciousness angle, but I always think of a comic my friend wrote when I hear. he draws an exellent japaneese style comics or books I should say, on VERY sexual themes, hey there cool pretty funny to. On his website one time he did a 12 page thing on his own emotional problems. he protraied his conciousness as litte lizards and naked chics inhis head. it was hellously intaspective. I CAN'T SPELL. Its been 10 Minutes. This isn't so bad. Not boraring topic to write on and this will probably never be read so blah blah blaeh. I like the fact that most of my profs. like the internet. this is great no worrying about turning thins in. I'm always on my computersince I am a true computer nerd. that is of course why this is so late!! Hey a sound garden video is on! hey my writing is coming back in on itself! I've alredy gone through one cigarette. I don't some much usually just after a big meal and at parties. I hate the tobacco companises but that is a EXtreemly shallow argument since I've given them a bit of cash! I hate people who have that kind of mind set. I don't like myself to much so I guess it works out. well now I really hope no one reads this 20 minutes HA ah!!

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29

Will I survive? That is what I am thinking about right now. I am here because someone gave me money to live in this dorm, go to classes, and actually learn about something that will be of value to my self and my community. Pressure. Everyone is depending on you. focus, is what I need ot keep sstudying and do homework every night. there is Spanish, Math which I already should know because I took calculus and made an A except I didnt remember a thing. I slacked off my senior year and abondoned my whole work ehtic. Sad, for me, because staring over is a pain. How ami going to make my lazy but become dedicated to my sutdies again? I am still dizzy from my long 11 hour nap. I want to shut out the world and just go to sleep, but that is too easy. How will I survive, how will I support my family? No, I wont sleep. I will finish this writing assignment. Then finish my pre-clculus, aftter that Spanish, then I will read my psychology book. My wrists are starting to hurt a little. I have not typed in such a while. it feelslike theyre going to go stiff on me like the way they do when I'm doing curls and I can't make another rep. Today is chest day. I have tofollow this new workout program called periodization. I'm kind of hesitant because it seems like I will be losing some of my hard gain that I have achieved. Gregory gym sucks. Its always so crowded so how am I supposed to get a good waorkout? on the other hand the female persuasion is very represented. But that si also a distraction. Boy I have 160 dollars to live on for the next 2 months and I am worried that I might starve or something. I hate being hungry. it is the worst feeling ever. I could never be homeless. It is too hot inTexas to be abeggar. Iwould haveto move to Ohio or somewhere cooler. poor homeless people! Well my back is starting to hurt on my right side. I think it is because of the way that I slept. since I've been here all I do is listen to music that I slisstened to back home.

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30

What am I thinking? Well, I'm sitting in my dorm room alone right now. It's quite relaxing actually. My roommate has been rushing all week and finally decided what sorority she will join yesterday. She joined Alpha Xi Delta. When I returned to my humble abode last night I found our room decorated by her sorority sisters. The room looked really nice except for the balloons that made it cumbersome to walk. My roommate is nice. I didn't know her before we came here. It has been a good experience getting to know her and living with someone. I have never lived with anyone in such close quarters before. I think it's good for a person. It makes you realize just how many things you do that you don't even think about. I have to be so conscious of all the things I do so as not to disturb my roommate. That's enough talk about my roommate. I am thoroughly enjoying my freshman year at college so far. I am taking 12 hours and my classes actually seem to be interesting. I think it's amazing how much you grow up and change without even realizing it. Looking back over my life I have seem myself change. I think for the better. I have always been a lifeguard during the summer to get some extra cash. Last summer I managed a pool at a country club. I never thought I would be able to have anyone respect my authority and me. My lifeguards did what I told them too and the summer turned out great. I saw how I had to mature to be the leader where I had always been the follower previously. I just think it's amazing how you go through experiences and change because of them. That is what I am hoping to get out of college; an experience that will forever change me. I am dating a sophomore here at the university. We have been dating for a little over a year. I was extremely excited about coming to college this year because of the time we will share. Last year we had to do the whole longdistance relationship thing. It was really hard and expensive between trips and phone cards. His parents also do not allow him to date in college because of academic reasons. He is not a bad student, but they want him to have zero distractions. I don't know how they can honestly think that he will have zero distractions at college, but who am I to argue? All last year that left us with the task of hiding our relationship. We both really, really like what we have together and are nowhere near wanting to give it up. We made the commitment to work through this. It is much easier now that we are at the university because his parents can't watch over him all the time. He just left my room. We were watching my roommate's television. He is a baseball freak so we were watching baseball highlights. It was relaxing at the least. Over all I had a good first day at college. The only thing that didn't go smoothly was finding my first class. It was in building LLB, the hardest building to find on campus. I did eventually find it after asking about 15 different people. Our class was locked outside for about ten minutes though. The teacher didn't have a key. We did get in to our room after a few short minutes. I am quite amazed that I could write this much in just barely 20 minutes. I would maybe be inclined to write more, but I am extremely tired and I have to get up for my next set of classes tomorrow. I know this sounds like kissing up, but I am truly interested in this class. I hope I learn many interesting things.

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311, I never actually listened to them. man my eyes itch. wow, Im supposed to be typing instead of talking to Arturo. Man, this song is so melodic and soothing. It reminds me of sandy beaches and sunshine. Well anyway this is college, dorms filled with all of the decor of people's personalities and homes from their towns. Sometimes I wonder why people are the way they are. It's quite complex and difficult, but I'm sure their environment had a lot to do with their personalities and social qualities. I truly believe that social qualities mean a lot. People need to understand that everyone is different and because, don't read this Adan. The song has changed into a classical melody and by the same band, oh no, Tool. Music, is a language everyone can speak. You can't go wrong with music. It's a huge part of my life. wow, Aenima ( tool song) is redone with orchestra instruments. Aenima is an interesting song about Armageddon. Speaking of Armageddon, is God going to come to Earth, or Jesus for that matter. Biologically, we are just organisms living out our lives. And for what? To not sin and go to heaven? There are so many religions out there, I mean, controversy is going to be a given. Why is John reading this. Is he interested in what is on my mind. Well anyway, Respect for other's religions is something I find extremely important and essential to understand at the University of Texas at Austin. Instead of looking at a muslim and saying holy shit what's up with that just think to yourself how they see your religion and judge yourself. Live, and let live. Have respect. I feel as though people close to me in my home in Rockport do not realize the respect I have for them. They never realize, is this the same orchestrated song by tool, hold for 1 sec please. Alright some middle time AFI, their a gothic punk band, that can be described as purity in darkness. They are one of my favorite punk bands. Sometimes I wonder what the lives of Davey Havok and Afi are like. They seem as though they are really nice people. Having taken a picture and briefly and nervously talked to them. Yeah Bob Marley, a legend. Now thats good stuff. I mean who doesnt like Bob Marley? His music flows through your body like the many pints of blood do. You just want to sit back and enjoy a nice beverage, for me preferably corona and a nice tequila of some sort. Not partying or whatever; it's wierd how we use party as a verb. Buffalo soldier in a war for America. Bob Marley used his fair share of pot, but he did not die from it. Who dies from cannibus? Is it really that bad? Should we legalize it? Nevada's police force seems more concerned with other crimes than Marijuana. Personally, I believe marijuana is better

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Boy am I hungry right about now. I sure do miss mom's cooking, even though the whole eighteen years I've been eating it, I thought it was gross. Computer are cool. Internet is awesome. I like being a guinea pig for psychology class. Jester food stinks. Man I really hate it. However, the pizzas okay. Wu tang is cool. I wish I hadn't lost the CD. Racquet ball looks interesting. I want to play intramural Basketball. I wish I had a Car. I wouldn't mind having an S-Class Benz. Is twenty minutes over yet? Guess not. I love UT. I love Bevo. I don't really miss Houston that much. I could live here forever. Man, I'm hungry. I could go for some fried chicken and biscuits with mashed potatoes and gravy. I wouldn't mind have some Cajun rice with that. I want to go jogging, but I have too much too read tonight. I should not have registered for morning classes. It sucks having to wake up at eight in the morning and dragging myself to class. Wow it has been exactly ten minutes. Apples are good when they are crunchy and sweet. I miss Houston Radio stations. I can't seem to find a good club station in Austin. I miss the clubs at Houston. However, the ones here in Austin Aren't that bad. Corn dogs at Jester are nasty. So far my classes have been easy, but I haven't had an exam yet or even a quiz. I don't know what to expect. I had a weird dream last night. I was at a party and every one who was there was a person I had met but not really was good friends with. However I did not feel uncomfortable, I even felt like I had known them my whole life. I like Cajun rice. Red beans and rice is good too. I feel like getting something to eat. I'm starving. My stomach is telling me to run to the fridge, but my mind is reminding me that it is just empty. All I have to eat is ice cubes I made last night. Man, I'm starving!!!

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Okay, I just got done chatting with a guy who I had some classes with in high school. I have not talked to him in a few months. He is doing well but is going to Tech. What a mistake. I was also thinking about yesterday because it marked one year since I'd left for Venezuela. I can't believe it was a year ago yesterday when I started my time there. I miss it so much and would love to return. There are so many things the country has to offer and see. Granted there are lots of political problems and I just received the other day from the Embassay down there a letter that said there are cases of Yellow fever ( or something like that) in some of the states. I was down there for 10 months. I lived with two families. I went with the Rotary Youth Exchange Program. I had a rough time for a few months. The hardest time was when there was a nation-wide strike which lasted for 2 months! Everything during that time was shut down. Companies stop producing. Ran out of harina pan y cervezas. Tenemos q hablar en ingles o es espanol bien? Quiero practicar escribiendo mi espanol porque ahora aqui no hay muchas vezes donde puedo escribir cual cosa en espanol. My spanish is not perfect. Far from it. I have been speaking for about 7-8 months now. The first 4 months I was there I spoke mostly English. That is a horrible thing to do if you are trying to learn another language. One reason I didn't learn in the first four months was because the first host family that I had lived with spoke English, and there family members spoke english. I met so many people who knew english. That is awful for me because everyone wanted to speak and practice there english with me. I wanted to practice spanish. When I would try and speak in spanish with my host family they would respond to me in English. So the first 4 months weren't the best. I started to learn slowly thought once I made more friends and once I had switched families. My second family was great! My host mom was so nice to me and she would always talk to me and be more involved with me. I started speaking and understanding the language more. So by the time I left I had been speaking spanish for about 6 months, I wonder how much better I would be if I had spoke and learned during the first four mouths. I broke away from the Rotary program in June and traveled alone for that month. No one could travel with me, that was okay though because I was not going to miss out on seeing Venezuela for that reason. One reason why no one could go with me was because there was no money and the eco system had gotten so bad because of that shit head president Chavez. He even stopped selling american dollars. So I had to end up paying the black market prices for my trips that I went on in June, because the trips where priced in dollars. Well I paid because its a once in a life time opportunity. I went to Canaima. It was truly breathtaking! I was so shocked to see how beautiful something could be. I absolute loved it and wished someone was there to share that sight with me. Well, in Canaima there are lots of waterfalls. I went to the famous Angel Waterfalls which are the tallest in the world. It was amazing! I had to take a four hour bout ride there and then it was an hour walk up to the falls. They were great, spectacular. I truly recommend going there and at least once in your life. I also went to Santo Sapo, which is the frog or toad falls. I got to walk underneath the waterfall! It was like in the movie The Last of the Mohicans but 100 times better! That was my favorite part. I also went to a National Park called Morrocoy. They have the best beaches and little islands. I went to the islands which were basically empty only for the people who went there during the day. It was gorgeous. Beautiful clear water, great blue sky. I loved ever second. I also made it out to Aruba which is not part of Venezuela but its only a 15 min plane ride from the city I had lived in. Aruba was like the islands in MOrroccoy that I had gone to. IT had a great night life atmosphere as well. I had a blast! I can't wait to go back and visit all of Venezuela! I miss all the wonderful, kind people there. I returned the 1 of July, and have been back for 2 months. I miss it but I have to get my college started here. Can't wait till I have money to go back. College is free there here its too damn much. I already have way to much in loans, I won't say how much but let me say you could buy a good car with the amount I have in loans. Well Ciao! Fuera Chavez Vive Venezuela! Te Amo y Extrano! Cuidate

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28

Well it is about 1:20 in the morning and i have been up studying for a few of my classes. I keep weird hours on my classes rather than try and make time for them during the day. I guess i enjoy my leisure time as well as my study and i try and make time for both on the weekends. I almost feel like i should have a big sign in my room somewhere saying hey you should be studying something! ha. . well maybe not but i like to keep atop of my studies and i don't want to slack off on any of my assignments. The joy i get from lounging around is multiplied by ten if i fall behind on an assignment or if i feel that i might get a B or C on a test rather than an A . I like the fact that i know i will get what i deserve out of my class by what i put into it. So because of this i try and make sure to do the studying. Right now my grades are very important to me. I feel that in the long run they will distinguish me from all the other people who are just trying to get thru college and then maybe find themselves in life. Where as i have already gone the route of finding and exploring myself as well as rationalizing the things i do for quite sometime now. My success i know will not just depend on my degree or simply finishing college but also many other things that i feel i might be able to control. Understanding the aspect of control early on or trying to get a grasp on my life made me realize that there really is no control on life. You must prepare yourself for the best that life has to offer while along the way being happy in the process. Right now it is to be the best that i can be and to get the things i want. So in order for me to do that i must do well in school and in Business. My happiness is might be put off alittle right now by my 15 hours of school but the sacrifice to myself will pay off in the end. It makes me wonder who really is going to read this and what you must be thinking at this point. Ha. . what a character. Well no not really just a determined man. I like doing things that people have told me i had no chance in doing. When i moved here from Colorado i had an agenda and for the last 3 years i have checked off everything that i have set out to do. It gives me comfort in doing what most people can only dream of and never make the attempt or the sacrifice to get it. Blink. blink. don't know. . haha. . Feeling the affects of sleep deprivation right now. . my eyes are feeling alittle heavy and the distant sound of a car alarm is making my mind drift. I see soft white cotton pillows floating around in the back of my mind with baby blue sheets. Man i need to get some sleep. I took this writing assignment as a challenge to be honest and type whatever came into my mind and i guess that this is what i am doing exactly to the T . Many different things keep up at night, school, my grandmother in the hospital, the different appointments that i have at school and the week coming up about 9/11. Wondering if my grandmother will be around then and if she is what state of mind will she be in. Which is wrong for me to say seeing as how she just had a stroke and part of her brain is not functioning. The doctors say that she does not feel a thing. I really would like to believe them. It seems unfair that she should live this long (92 years) only to be let to die a little every day. The doctors say that she has a strong heart for age. . well hell we have always known that. . but this one time i wish it was not so strong. . i miss her laughter and knowing that her mental capacity was just as strong as her heart. I miss her already even though i know that she is still with us. Bright red eraser. . why did they make them that color? why not white or blue or yellow on the end of pencils? It seems to me maybe it is the properties of how they make erasers that cause it to be the color that it is. Trying to stay with the typing and trying not to drift off. . i was hoping to get another experiment done after this one but i think that maybe i might try and sleep. I have got to get up earyl and get one of my vehicles registered down town. Maybe that is part of this writing experiment. Have us write this with the knowing that eventually we will turn it into something that we know or think that someone will read. So when we write we eventually get to that point of writing. The mind is laying out a thought process or maybe it is all just random and i am thinking out loud with my keystrokes. I read somewheres that in a thousand years the English language will be dead and that new ways are being created to keep individuals away from any toxic or harmful waste that might be around. So they are trying to create a visual sign for them that will be some kind of universal signal for danger or trouble or death. Hmmm. . seems weird that in time our language might go the way of the Egyptians. . times up. . night.

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It seems as though long distance relationships are destined to fail. With the constant talk being seperated and only available for a short period everyday if even everyday I feel a million miles away from my boyfriend, Andrew. September 7th is our 2nd month anniversary and for his birthday he asked for a trip to New York to see the finals of the US Open, which is amazing and quite costly, it just seems that I would want to come see him if given the opportunity to go somewhere. LIfe just seems a bit unfair at times. College has completely thrown me off, my sleep, my eating habits and so on. Not that I don't absolutely love to be here in Austin away from Dallas, I mean im exactly where I want to be, in Austin the greatest city ever, well in Texas for sure, I am thrilled to be out of surburbia ahh, It just like i have wanted to escape from surburbia for such a long time and now that im gone, im lost. I pledged a sorority and am so excited that I will have the opportunity to know so many girls on such a close level but it just seems so hard to get to know them i guess . Its just a struggle that im not sure i will be able to be comfotable with anytime soon. Tonight i went out once again with old high school friends to the gym, its just easier to be close with those who you are already close with. At the gym i ran into EX boyfriend who i just knew i would never see again, he wants to go to dinner, ahhh i just can't see myself going through being near him but not with him. So after talking to him i ran back to my comfort zone, my friends, and we headed out, they told me they were going to a meeting for Texas girls rowing, i was bored and decided to tag along, thinking there is no way i could ever want to be a part of that. but once i was there i just loved it, it motivated me so much, just as much as joining the sorority did, i decided i should stick it out and just go for it. Tomorrow begins the condidtioning for it, i am so excited, its just like soccer tryouts for club soccer when i was in high school. Wow i can't believe that I might possibly be on the rowing team, i have always wanted to be that little girl in the front of the boat, and a girl on the team said I was small enough, well obviously i have never been tall, to be that girl. Oh i forgot the name for that position but nevertheless I am pumped, and slightly nervous that I might not be able to pump up the other 8 girls on the boat, i think that is how many. Everything seems to cost so much these days too, i wanted to go with my sorority gals to NEw Orleans for the Tulane game but i really don't know that i have $100 to just throw away on a weekend, not like i won't remember it forever, but it just seems so costly since i am spending my own money on it, New orleans would be such a blast though. Endorphines, i think thats how you spell it, are running through my body, I am so excited about conditioning tomorrow and we have a date dash and I am taking a best guy friend, and then two other parties this weekend, i am so excited about this weekend because i missed last weekend. My dad turned 50 wow, that makes me feel so old, i remember him turning 40 i was only 8 but it was such a big party i felt like he was so old then, its just weird that he can register for AARP, i think that is hilarious, and my brother is 21 so soon, in less than a week, im glad i got his card and some money sent off today, that took some stress away, my days just seem so filled these days, boyfriends never understand especially if it is long distance that sometimes i just can't talk, maybe one day ill be single again. not that i want that at all right now, i just hate distance, and i know im not going home soon, i need to get comfortable here and that isnt going to happen by me leaving every weekend. My roommate is the cutest thing ever, she couldn't be any sweeter, but she is going home for the second weekend in a row, i can't wait to take her to a frat party with me, she needs to let go and show her wild side, im really excited about that. Is is bad to want to take friends with me who aren't in my sorority to frat parties, i just like to bring my comfort with me, maybe ill try and go with some sorority sisters some time, i don't really know much about the sorority im curious to find out about it, but i don't want learning about it to seem like a class, i want it to be fun and im really not wanting to take quizzes about it that does not at all sound fun. I wonder why the bums on the drag don't go somewhere else, but imagine all the different types of people they see a day, it just seems so hectic, maybe they need to feel busy and watching others in a hurry makes them feel that. maybe i shouldn't have senior pics of my friends up, i just miss em, and don't really have any new pics, my best friend at A&M , bad choice, is havin fun i think , i really hated it when i went to visit her for her 18th b-day, all the buildings are ugly, and the town is simply dead, i really think i made the right choice

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12

first, it took me a long time to get through the Austin traffic. then, when I got home, and called jenny, she wasn't ready to come over. she came over anyway even though she hadn't shaved her legs. that was kind of bad. next, I still had to deal with the fact that she had messed around with Justin, one of my supposedly good friends. all they did was kiss, but it still really hurt me. she had told me that it would never happen again after she and Kevin messed around, but she lied. I can't believe that she did that. then I told her about the fact that I had sex with heather back during the summer, so she wasn't really happy about that, but that's understandable. I still love her, but she has really putting me to the test this weekend. hen, later on Friday night, she told me that she had liked Justin, so what happened wasn't as much of an accident as I had first thought it was. come to find out, she had gotten drunk at her apartment and then called Justin to come over. that's when the kiss happened. that really hurts me. so she told me that, but she still wanted to have sex with me. I agreed, I don't know why, but I did. and then, in the middle of it, she started crying, that really hurt me. then after that, she told me that she didn't even want me to come with her to college station with her. that tore me apart. I didn't know how to handle it, so I freaked, I just started yelling at her. I don't know why, I should have been more calm , but I just couldn't do it. I tried to calm myself down, but nothing worked. I still can't believe how mean I was. and then, on Saturday morning, I called her, because I thought she was going to leave without calling me like she said she would. and then, she told me that she had changed her mind, and now she didn't want me to go again. then I freaked again. I started yelling at her. I was really hurt, like id never been hurt before. I couldn't believe that anybody could hurt me this bad, but she could do it. s I called Justin, and got a ride with him to college station. it took me an hour and a half to eat my McDonalds lunch. I had lost my appetite. I was miserable. Kenny could see that. I got to a&m, but I had no desire to party, all I wanted to do was talk to jenny so that I could apologize to her for what I said. I ate like half my dinner. it was good but I just didn't want to eat. so, we went to the party, and I was miserable, people were drinking and all I wanted to do was talk to jenny. finally, Kenny gave me the number to Amy's cell phone. so I called it, and Amy wouldn't let me talk to jenny. then Kristen answered and she wouldn't let me talk to her, and then James, her brother wouldn't let me talk to her. I was really hurt. so I got her brothers number from Justin. she had given it to him. that really hurt me, that she gave her cell phone number to Kenny, and her brother's number to Justin. that devastated me. I just wanted to cry. it just wasn't fair. then Justin called her, and convinced her to come to the party. he handed me the phone, but she really wouldn't say anything to me. I was crushed again. the one thing that I loved more than anything in this life, including myself wouldn't even talk to me. I have never felt so bad. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die, but I couldn't do that, I had to stay semihappy for the party. it was all an act, I was not happy at all. finally, at 1230 she came over. she wouldn't even acknowledge me. her roommates hate me now, and they weren't afraid to let me know. fuck Amy, I hate that bitch. I have never liked her. I just want to beat her fucking head in. she is a stupid dirty whore. I don't care if she hates me, I hate her. I feel bad that cristin hates me. I like her. I really regret saying anything bad about her. then breiane came out and tried to start a fight with jenny. she claimed to be my friend. fuck her. she s a bitch. she acts like a stupid tease. she a dumb tease, she never gives anybody anything. she just likes to pretend like she's a whore. I don't really like her anymore, but it still hurts me that she doesn't want to have a friendship with me. and then, on the way home I got a speeding ticket. oh after I talked to jenny, I got a half-as hug, and then she hugged Justin and didn't want to let go. then she didn't even say good-bye to me. I was hurt again. back to the speeding ticket, it was for 70 in a 30. I'm going to be fucked if my dad finds out. she didn't call me on Sunday like she said she would. that really hurt. I wanted to call her so bad, but I couldn't, I wanted to so bad, not even funny. on Monday, I talked to her for two hours, it was great, we made out. I liked it so much. she didn't call me last night. she called me this morning at 7. it woke me up. I love her, but she hasn't called me tonight yet. I really want to talk to her, so I hope that she calls me tonight. I stayed up to 3 waiting for her last night, then I fell asleep. tonight, I wont make that same choice. I'm going to go to bed early tonight.

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I have tried on three different occasions to do my pretesting for this class and the stupid computer tells me to try again later. why should I try again later. I'm already going out of my way to come down here in the first place. my dad hasnt brought up my computer from home yet so I have to come down here when I need to get online to check my email or whatever I have to do for class. it seems that everything is done by computers these days. take this class for instance, I am handing in my writing assignment via some electronic force. I'm not actually handing in paper anymore. its all done so technically and confusingly. have I mentioned I absolutely hate computers? its not that I don't think theyre useful, its just that I'm not exactly copmuter friendly. well actually, I'm willing to be its friend, I just don't think it likes me too much. at home the only thing I knew how to do was check my email and write people back. oh yea, I also knew how to get to microsoft word and to solitaire, but that's about it. here there are so many options on what I can do, but don't they understand that by giving me all these options, theyre really doing me harm instead of being helpful. whoever made up computers must be very smart. sometimes I think about the things (technologies) that we live with and do in our every day lives, and it just boggles my mind. how in the world did that guy--I forget his name--- come up with a device called the telephone. I mean to even dream up of it and then to actually make it work. sound travelling through wires--- this is a crazy world. if the world had been populated with people with about as much intelligence as me, I know for a fact that we would be the most uncivilized dummy-heads roaming the earth. sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if there were none of these technologies. I don't think technologies is neccesarily such a bad, currupting thing. I mean, it is peolple who are inventing it. it doesn't come about on its own. like you know how some people think tv is so terrible, or those religions who don't allow light bulbs or radios in their homes because its like the devils advocate or whatever-- I don't see how some people believe the things that they do. I mean, wake up and think for yourself. who am I to talk, I'm not all perfect in the catagory of thinking for myself, but I probaly have a better sense of things than a lot of other people--or maybe not. life is confusing. that's probably why I'm taking comparitive value, contemporary moral problems, and psychology. can't wait to get to know myself better.

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17

Well its after classes on this Friday. I am sll freaking' stressed out. Stupid Fahkerrdine's quiz kicked my ass. It's not that I don't know how to do it, it's just that I doubted myself. I don't know, ever since I have been here I think that I have gotten dumber, when in reality I am not. I am actually pretty damn smart. I am just letting what everyone says get to my head. So it pretty much is my fault anyway. Well from now on, I am going to walk around and take these stupid college quizzes and tests like I am smarter than the professor that made them. I probably am smarter than most of these professors, unless they are freaking geniuses, which some of them are. Damn I miss my girlfriend. She is like so freaking hot. Yeah I know she is sixteen but she doesn't look like it and I wouldn't be with her if she acted like a little girl. She is more mature than most of the girls I have for classes and some of my close girl friends. Damn I am sneezing well I am doing this in a friends room so yeah. Well Jessica is hot and I miss her. Its not really a distraction. Today I was tired I have no idea why I have been sleeping more than I ever have. I don't even read for classes. College isn't even hard. I could not read and make a C in all my classes but I want A's damnit. Stupid medical school. Wish I could fast forward my life about 8 years. But I'll be a pinche viejo by then. I wonder if because I am cussing the person that reads this will think I am an immature kid or ignorant, when in reality I probably have a more extensive vocabulary than them. And its not like I am a big cusser. Its just I have been so damn stressed lately. I was doing my chemistry homework and I ran my hands through my hair and my hair was falling out. Not like one or two try like 10 to 20 strands of hair. Um. went blank. Nah its frustrating that thoughts come and go faster than I can type them out. This keyboard's keys are all gay anyway. Well, here I am in college. Everyone once in a while it sets in. They are a lot of hot girls here. I really don't know if any of them are hotter than my girlfriend because I am in love. and yeah love makes you blind in some ways. I have been in love before. Went out with one girl for almost all of high school cept the majority of my senior year. Four damn years. My feet stink and its driving me nuts. Its like I can't wear sandals because they make my feet sweat so much. I wonder if other people have that problem. I am just going to by frebreze and shoot my damn sandals. Its probably all the bacteria on my feet. O well. Tonight I think I am going to get drunk. I have never drank before, well I have taken some sips like four. Beer tastes like shit. I am just going to drink "chick" drinks. I don't care what guys say. And if I do something stupid tonight o well, I need to wind down. I have been more stressed than this before, but this seems to take a lot out of me and it doesn't feel like it, until you realize it. O well. Sucks to be in college. You know my uncle is a millionaire and he is a college dropout. In fact I would say most of the worlds millionaire's are college dropouts or didn't go or went because they were already rich. I know I could do that but I don't know I guess I don't have enough confidence in myself to make it out there on my own. I don't think I like to take chances that have that great of a chance to fail. I don't like to leave things to chance. But then life has screwed me over so many times before even when I was doing all the right things so what was the point. I mean I didn't drink or do drugs I mean I tried marijuana once but c'mon that's not that bad. I love God I would go to church and like it, I would have my quiet time, I would be a pretty good Christian example till like my jr. year and what happened? My parents got divorced, my dad made like all the money, there's five kids in my family, my dad went to jail for what he did. Gosh damn I am still embarrassed of what he did. So yeah all things this I was going to have like a nice car, my college paid for, super nice clothes I would have had it. He mad 80,000 a year and my mom made 40,000, and that's not too bad when you live in the valley. Its next to Mexico, and no we weren't drug dealers. Hah. that's funny if I hadn't put that in, you might have thought that. Nah he

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17

Well, I have to do this weird assignment for psychology. I think its neat, but kind of weird. that spoon full peanut butter was really good. I'm going to have to have some more later. the atkins diet is a bitch . even though you can eat all the protein you want. I still crave the bun on my buger. I was so upset this morning for leaving my cell phone in my dorm room. god, I felt like such an idiot. then I went crazy looking for my roommate Sam cause we are supposed to meet at jester for lunch and I Couldn't find her and I don't have her number memorized. I don't know. I felt stupid. I feel so fat. !!!! even though I'm not overweight at all I just feel fat . I have this obsession with looking in the mirror all the time. I thinks obsessive compulsive or something. I feel like I always have to look my best or that part of my hair is out of place. I guess I always feel like I have to impress everyone. shut up Sam, god she makes the most annoying sounds I've ever heard. anyway. yeah I just always feel fat. I think I way around 123 and I'm 5"1. I just want be a little bit thinner maybe 5 or 7 pounds lighter. well, I'm trying to loose weight cause my friends from back home are coming to visit me in a couple of weeks for austin city limits, and I feel like I got to loose a few. they are awesome, but its kind of weird actually because they were my coaches in high school and we've just grown to be the best of friends. I'm only 18, and its weird cause one of them is 42 and the other is 30. I'm so excited cause I miss them a lot. I think its pretty cool that my coaches would drive 6 hours to come and visit. when I went down a couple of weeks ago back home, they took me out to South padre island and we all got wasted. I like it cause I can trust them and more importantly they can trust me. I have a little head ache right now. I wonder if it was the peanut butter. I hope not. I'm really thirsty. all I've been drinking is water cause of that diet. I just started it yesterday and I probably won't see any results till maybe in a few more days. I miss isaiah. I love him so much, but he's about 6 hours away and a senior in high school. I love him but the last time I went down I didn't feel the same love for him like I used to. maybe I'm just in love with the image of him. I guess that can happen. I've been really confused lately about a lot of things especially what kind of person I am. I wanted to come to UT because it was so liberal and they actually encouraged you to be different here and no one even judges you. well, I still don't know who I am. I know that I'm sweet, kind, and talented, but there's also the me who lies to people to benefit me and bend the truth so that I don't get into trouble. maybe everyone does that. I guess I'll never know. I 'm really glad that I have a good roommate. we are exactly alike and we get along really well. I just miss everyone from back home , but I know when pam and kristy come to visit me I'll feel a lot better cause we are all going to see sheryl crow and I m so in love with her music. I recently went to a sarah mclachlan concert on july 23 this summer. now that was probably the best experience of my life. it was awesome. their friend niguel is also coming in from nacadoches, I think that's how you spell it. I 'm really excited to meet her cause she's hilarious. I spoke to her on the phone the other night for about an hour and she is hilarious and I haven't met her in person yet, but I'm looking foward to it cause she said she likes having a good time and I'm pretty sure we are all going to have a great time together. I CAN'T WAIt!!!!1. I'm tired now. I haven't gotten any sleep since I'v been here, wow the times almost running out,,

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11

My thoughts and feelings at the moment reflect several important aspects of my life. Perhaps, one of the most recurring thoughts has been my progress with my academic success. I am worried and concerned with maintaining an above average status as a student. One other concern of mine relates to my commitment toward studying and learning. I fear that I will not be able to put enough effort into accomplishing my tasks in school and at home. Thus, most of the time I reflect on future and find myself greatly concerned and worried. I feel in great anguish and perhaps, turmoil. I am also very concerned about the financial needs and requirements of college. Often, I feel that college has placed a great burden both financially and emotionally on my parents. This, in turn, causes much sadness for me. Although the social aspect of my life, at the moment, is not a significant matter, I still find myself looking back at the days in high school and at the friends that I left behind. I comprehend the fact that any transition in life accompanies great distress and agitation. However, I find myself more weary and temperamental than distressed or melancholy. At times, I feel as though I have not slept for days. I feel constantly fatigued. I have always realized that I worry to a great degree; and at times that my lifestyle has dramatically changed, this aspect of my personality has in turn worsened. I see myself literally concerned about every trivial matter in life. I worry a lot about my weight issues. Lately, I have noticed a dramatic change in my eating habits. Through the past year, I was able to lose a great amount of weight and maintain it. I was also able to control what I ate in addition to exercising a great deal. However, lately I have deviated from this habitual behavior. I have gained about 10 pounds. I feel greatly out of control. I do not even have the motivation to exercise. Often, I wake up in the morning and find myself critically loathing every aspect of my appearance. At school, I often compare myself with other females and feel greatly embarrassed. My parents and my acquaintances have at times mentioned that I look better now that I am not so underweight. However, I do not perceive or comprehend their point of view. As a result, I promise myself almost every day to lose all the unnecessary weight that I have gained. I even plan a strict diet for the next weeks. However, I never follow through the plan. Although this recurring thought is truly trivial in comparison with matters concerning my education, I still cannot rid myself of the compulsive need to restrict my diet and control my eating habit. I believe that there is great tension in my life at the moment. Perhaps, this is true for a lot of students that have began their first year of college experience. Regardless of my emotional well being at the time, I still seek hope and remedy in studying and experiencing all the knowledge that college has to offer. I am sure that if I put enough effort into my academic advancement I will easily succeed in future. Nevertheless, I truly wish that I could annihilate the worries that accompany me day and night.

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7

As I sit here and complete this assignment, I am reminded of all the other homework assignments I have been bombarded with this Labor Day weekend. Much of it is reading, and I know how important it is to keep up with it. I have learned many lessons from procrastinating. I keep thinking how this weekend is flying by too quickly. I am currently enjoying my short stay here back at home. I feel as if that in the blink of an eye, I will be back at college. When I returned home on Friday, I went to my brother's high school football game. Just being in that atmosphere brought back all the feelings of high school. Some were good and some bad, but I will always treasure the memories of going to those games and having the time of my life with my friends. My birthday is next Monday on the thirteenth, and it will definitely not be the same without all of my close high school friends. I cannot believe my birthday this year has to be on the worst day of the week. I will probably celebrate it with my family next weekend. My feet are freezing right now. I need to put some warm slippers on. Since I am writing this assignment on paper first, my hand is beginning to cramp up. However, I am beginning to think of how much I am truly enjoying this assignment. I like the way I can just freely express myself without any impediments to cease me. I feel a bit hungry because I have not eaten breakfast yet, and it is nearly lunch time. I have a familiar craving for fruit. My mom has read my mind and has just brought a bowl of grapes over to me. The taste of cold, plump, luscious grapes satisfies my momentary craving. I need to go running today because I did not eat very healthy yesterday, and I feel fat. I wonder if it has been twenty minutes yet. I think so. I better stop before I babble on forever and ever about the most randomest things.

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27

hmmmm, I wonder how many people I a m going to meet , some persons painting her toe nails, what color? red I think not looking I'm hearing this guy and girl talk about classes. I thought all my classes seemed pretty hard but there not. so I think I have back problems. used to wrestle, do weights now, can't squat though, back hurts to much, these beds suck ass, jesters at least. I just got a blanket, a feathered blanket, its pretty nice. Oh, and I also got some new blue sheets, I think I want to go to sleep, but I can't cause I can't go to sleep. Woah! I'm so glad I only need to do this for twenty minutes, these are all random sentences and the punctuation all wrong and I am so behind on my readings for your class. Cedric Bensons in my first class. I have noticed I don't like raising my hand because I'm afraid of being wrong. Making out in public, that is just bad karma. I met these real pretty girls but for some reasons I only want to be everyone's friend. I need an envelope, I need to pay rent wow I like nintendo, the games, how simple they are. I'm going to join the HBSA. it seems pretty interesting but I don't know about 60 bucks. COLLEGE IS SO COOL, some of these dorms smell bad though. Not as bad as my house though cause I left the stove on overnight and the whole apartment smelt like burnt pizza. I'm so tired of working. I want to stop this timer right now though. I need to pay rent. wondering if my breath smells. posters, I need a poster. something blue. laredo. I hate girls, sometimes, I guess really I'm just jealous cause they get a lot of stuff handed to them just because they are women. I want to go to the beach again, or at least move back to california. sometimes I think I am losing my mind, but then I take a few breathes. I also want to join wrestling, maybe rugby when I am older. I need to clean my room. I bought candles and I think I need the buy some more things. I have enough food though. hungry, hungry, hungry. Apartments are awesome. mannnnnnnnn. twenty minutes, this stuffs easy when you have something to write about or not when you have nothing to write. (sigh)

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30

I just got done taking a shower in the hopes that it would wake me up so I could read the things I need to read for my classes. The shower sure did wake me up! A girl living on my floor, whom I have never seen before, took all the best shower, along with all the hot water. So it took me twice as long to take a shower, which made me mad. This anger added onto my frustration from my homework tonight. So now I am here, listening to music and writing my stream of consciousness because I figured that this would be the best time since I have multiple feelings in me right now. In addition to the anger from the shower incident and the frustration from the class homework assignments, my friend brought up a topic that made me recall past emotions. He recently is taking a break with his girlfriend, and he has been telling me that he is sad and lonely, but the break was mutual. I told him, yeah, I know what you mean. I had to end things with a guy, but it was not mutual. So instead of just acknowledging it and moving on, he asked questions about my relationship with this past guy. It took me a long time to forget the experiences dealing with him. Talking about them just made me a little sad. Like I said, the break was really bad, so bad that I felt like there was no one who could understand what I was going through, no one could help me because this was the way my life situation is and no one can fix it. Strict parents cannot be changed on their beliefs. Anyway, I tried to shrug the subject away by bringing up other topics, and soon enough we were laughing over some dumb internet site that he sent to me. If only I could help him out with his sadness, but I know time is all he needs to realize that this girl he's been with is not the only girl out there. A break from a relationship will either make the bond stronger, or one will come to the realization that a world of opportunity is out there. I am content that I have no one tying me down, but I do miss the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. If I do meet someone, then that is fine. If I do not, then that is fine too. When I entered college I promised myself that I would make smart, sensible decisions and still have fun in the process. A huge group of guy friends is way better than one boyfriend in my opinion. I have not even met at least five new people in all of my classes for crying out loud! There are plenty of fish in the sea. Yes, college is great so far; I recently joined kung fu. It feels so good to be doing something you love again. I had to quit due to, once again, strict parents, but now that I'm back in the sport, the stress is less. I love watching it, and there are really athletic people in the class too. Martial arts has always been a big interest to me. To be one of the few girls in the kung fu class is another bonus. Not only am I surrounded by athletic guys, I also feel like I am special in a way, like I am unique. And I am better than most of the guys already. Flexiblity and grace is key in wu shu kung fu, and I've got them both.

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30

I don't like IceBreaker's gum because the flavor crystals sometimes don't break down in your mouth, and the texture is just plain disturbing. I won a huge pack of IceBreaker's gum from Pro Grad and I now feel obligated to make use of it even though I dislike it. I do that a lot. I eat foods that I don't really like just to make my mom happy. It is not really a big deal. I usually tell people what I like and what I dislike, but sometimes I don't. My grandma uses coconut in her sweets, and I don't like coconut, but I use to eat it anyway. One day I just stopped and she didn't really notice. I was like, "Man I could have stopped a long time ago, but instead I didn't. " Okay that makes no sense, but I do not always make sense. My mind jumps from thing to thing, and I digress a lot. I get off track often. Love is a funny thing; it is so hard to really say what it is. To me love is about small things that people don't really notice, but those in love do. I cannot really give an example; but then again that could be because my mind is not really focused on this topic. I can get deep and all emotional when I feel the moment calls for it, but right now I am just not really in a "deep" mood. I still have to read my Chemistry and read my Cyberreader for my Cyberpunk class. Why am I taking a Cyberpunk class? I have no idea. I like to try and experience new things so I decided to take it. Actually, it was the only one that fit into my schedule and had a writing component that accompanied it. Ummm eleven more minutes to go. what to say. I love to be happy. I hate to be sick. I love to go swimming or to stay in the shower for really long periods of time when I am sick. The water just seems to clear up and free my nasal passages. I don't want to do my reading assignments. I want to just go for a walk or go out with my boyfriend. I want to go see "The Cell" with Jennifer Lopez and Vince Vaughn. I can be such a teenager sometimes. I do some of the most immature and silly things. I can fall all over myself when I see a cute boy band, and I can gush over how wonderful it would be to be a superstar and have a superstar boyfriend. Clay Walker, a country singer, has a song called "Ordinary People". It is about how ordinary people have extraordinary love. It talks about how when superstars breakup, and how when they do breakup up that they probably wish they could be ordinary. The great thing about not being a superstar is having your privacy. I can't imagine being photographed all the time. I don't look good in photos when I am posing, so you can only imagine how awful I would look in ones where I do not pose. I sit here writing this and try to think of what you all will think when you read it. You all will see the section about me not liking to be photos and then draw from that that I have selfconfidence issues. I can sit on a dorm chair and swing my feet. I like being short. I like that people view me as cute just because I am short. Being short is good if you are a girl because it would suck it your crush was shorter than you. I just like the idea of the guy being tall. My boyfriend is six feet tall, and that makes us look cuter because I look so cute and little next to him, and for some reason I think that makes us look cuter. Why do they call the prestage room the green room? The green room is often not even green. I don't understand that. I don't understand a lot of things like why the sky is blue, and why the grass is green. Except of course for in way west Texas where there is no grass and if there is it is yellow and tan. I hate people who are hypocrites. I think that you should stand up for what you believe in, and if you don't know what to believe in then don't stand up on your soapbox going in circles. I wish I was smarter. I wish I could sing. that would be a great talent just because I like to sing. Two minutes to go! I can't help but look at the clock. I am the type of person who has to thumb through the pages of my reading assignment and see how many more pages I have to read. I am very impatient, but I am patient when I feel it is necessary. Times Out! The End!

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14

I have decided to get a head start on my writing assignments so here I am writing about my thoughts. I am completely amazed that I can do this assignment on the internet. I mean five years ago who ever would have thought that you would be typing and submitting assignments off of the internet. Sometimes I wonder if the internet is just getting way to big. I hear people say that they think that it is going to get so big it will just collapse in on itself. Personally I do not completely understand what they mean by that. But it is kind of scary that any kid can go on the internet and get as much information about guns and hate groups as they want. I guess, like most things in life, the internet has its good points and its bad points. This writing assignment is my first writing assignment in college! It is so weird that I am now a college student. I still feel like I don't completely belong here. I have met a lot of cool people, but it definately does not feel like home. For some reason I have not come to realization yet that I am here for like seven more months. I still have no idea what I want to study. My major right now is microbiology. I was planning on becoming a doctor, but I'm not completely sure. I think that is what I want to be but I am interested in so many things. I'm taking an architecture class this semester just to see if I'll like that. I am good at math and science so I considered engineering. The only problem with engineering is that I really don't understand what an engineer does! I love science so I guess the medical field is good for me. Lately though I have been thinking of studying to become a veternarian. It involves science and animals and I absolutely love animals. The problem with deciding on a major is that I have no clue what each major entails. I guess I will have to go and research all the different majors I have been thinking of. This past june I went to this program called National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine in Boston. I did not really want to go but I decided it would help me to make up my mind on becoming a doctor. It did not really do that, but it was an interesting experience. We went to Harvard Medical School and talked to med students there. That was interesting because I was expecting like a bunch of Einsteins sitting there just naming off different formulas and equations. Actually they were just normal people who did not seem any different from myself. Also at the Forum we went on hospital tours and some kids (I wasn't one of the lucky ones) got to shadow a doctor for a day. My friend Harris was able to actually watch open heart surgery. She said she saw the doctors flatline the heart (I guess the do that in open heart surgery) and then revive it. I was angry about that because I really wanted to see something like that. Instead, the hospital I went to, we had an eighty year old man take us on a hospital tour. Like I've never seen a hospital before! All in all the trip was fun because I at least got to see Boston. I had never been on the East coast before and it was really interesting. Boston is an amazing city but it is way too chaotic. I had been accepted at Boston University and I did not go there because it was way too expensive, and after actually going to Boston I was glad that I did not choose to go there. I mean, I love big cities and all, but Boston is just way too big. I would lose myself there. So here I am at UT. I am from Michigan and my final decision in a school was between UT and UofM. The only reason I came to UT was because my parents moved to Dallas a few weeks ago for my dad's job so I figured I might as well come to school here too. Being up in Michigan with my parents down here just seemed like it was way too far. I am ready to get away but not that far away. Texas is so different from Michigan. It is really hard to get used to. I have never seen a state show their state flag so much. It is cool, just different. I live in Michigan for 17 years and I don't even know what the state flag looks like. Everyone down here is really nice though. I like that a lot. I guess it is a southern thing, because people are really eager to talk to you. I can't believe how many people I have met and I have only been here for a week. I like UT a lot and I am glad that I chose this school. I am sure that after time I will feel like a true UT student. I guess that I just need to find my niche in the college scene.

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30

My roommate won't shut up. O. K. Bert. My friend Bert was just talking to me. I better drop my Geography, because that class is boring. I don't even read the book because it's so boring. I hope I can drop it before the date where I get a full refund. My Dad might get mad, but oh well. I think I'll go home this weekend and work for my Dad because I need some money. I hope he's working. My hand hurts already. I can't study here. I can't wait until I get home. Sometimes I just love being by myself. Man, my friend Matt needs to get a job. It's like I'm running a daycare center. He's always at my house and he never goes to school. He just plays on my Playstation all day.

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7

I am sitting at my friend's apartment. The guy are watching the UT vs. Rutgers game on t. v. Why do guys get such a kick out of watching this? I guess it's entertaining, but it's not all that. It's kind of cool in here. My stomach feels nauseous. I had Chinese for lunch, and I slept right afterwards. This stream of consciousness thing is harder than I thought. I wonder why my friend is so upset about the whole internet mess. I don't think it's that big of a deal. Maybe she's just really sensitive. Yeah, she is sensitive. Twenty minutes seems like a really long time. I was trying to stay awake for the Princess Di thing on t. v. I couldn't stay up long enough. I think it's pretty tragic. Mother Teresa died the other day. I think she's done more than Princess Di, but lots of people don't even know she passed away. I'm really not in any mood to do this for twenty minutes. I am pausing way too much. I have a really funny taste in my mouth. I feel like playing the piano. I wish our class was smaller. I feel like a tiny fish in a great big ocean. Why am I saying stupid things like that? Is this timed? My big toe on my left foot is sore. I think my nail goes down too low. When is my financial aid check coming in? I need money. I have to buy some more books. I don't really have an appetite for jambalaya right now. That's what's for dinner tonight. I need to read chapter two. I had such a hard time reading chapter one. It was just not very interesting. Oh well. I wonder what time it is? It feels like I've been typing away for hours. Ten more minutes to go. I wanna learn how to play the harmonica. It sounds so cool. They're still watching t. v. Is football really THAT interesting? I think it is better than baseball. Baseball, by far, is the most boring sport in the world. How can anyone sit through 50 billion innings? Do they actually get paid as much as I think they get paid? I need to study tonight. Should I go to the library? I want to, but it's so far. Why did I move to Riverside? I should have stayed close to campus. Sunchase was pretty fun. I wish we did this in an English class, and this was our final paper. That would be so much fun. I'm almost finished. I'm really craving Jell-O. kiwi-strawberry Jell-O. Yummy. Mmmm. Four more minutes. I can do it! I feel so dumb. Why are my toes so long? Am I the missing link? Arghh. I have to use the bathroom. I wonder how many people have done this so far? O. K. times up. This was fun.

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6

I am really hungry right now. I wish I could go and get some cooking form home. I miss my mother's cooking. I won't be able to get any home cooking until I go home next month. That's a long time . I wish I could go home labor day weekend. I wonder why everyone else is homesick,but I'm not. I miss my parents,but I guess I fell that I'm going to go home soon. Why is this stupid song on mtv. I hate when they have those people interrupt the video to talk about why they like the video. I wonder wat I'm going to do today. I wish I had my car up here with me so I could go to the mall whenever I wanted to. I hate being immobile and relying on other people to tote me around. I need to go pick up some trashbags for my room. I wonder if the Jexter store is open. I don't fell like going down to the drag just for some trashbags. I ove this song on tv. I should put the ck in and listen to it. That reminds me I should meet my roommates who always play that loud music across from the bathroom. I guess I'll meet them when we finally have our wing meeting. I feel like going to that stepshow today, but I don't have a way. That's another reason why I wish I had my own car. I really need to wash my clothes today. I don't feel like it ,but I don't do it now I'll never do it. I'm glad my mom taught me how to wash clothes. That would be pretty bad if I went of to college and didn't know how to wash clothes like my roommate. That's one downside to living on your own, your parents don't do your laundry anymore. Now that's stupid. How are people supposed to know that on saturdays the parking spaces by the field are reserved. I can't even contact Jennifer so she can move her car. I don't understand why they didn't tell people when they assigned parking spaces. I hope they don't tow her car. She should have left her brother's phone number. She doesn't need anything else bad to happen to her. She already doesn't like being here. Poor thing I hope she feels better soon. I can't think of anything to say to make her feel better. I know I look bad because I haven't shed a tear over my parents and she's been bawling. Okay my 20 minutes are up so I'm going to quit typing now.

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14

I would guess the only thoughts in my head right now are on weather or not I doing the things I should be. Is the sorority right for me? I really don't like my pledge class that much but I like most of the other girls in Alpha Phi. I don't know I'm just so afraid that I've totally missed God's plan for my life. It worries me. What if Pharmacy isn't where I'm supposed to be. I love listening to people's problems and just being there to help them but I don't know what to do with that. Where are my thoughts headed I'm not exactly sure I let my though wonder lots of times and they just kind of go in every direction. Sometimes the end up to will I ever find the guy I'm supposed to marry? I really do wonder that sometimes. He has to be out there somewhere but where? I don't know. I hate watching Emily and Justin. Its really kind of stupid but its not that its stupid its that I want that too. That guy has to be out there somewhere and I just haven't found him yet but I always want a boyfriends it just seems like lots of time I have bad luck finding one. And it seems that everyone here has one all the freaking time. Its annoying I want to find that Christian perfect guy out there for me. Maybe it is Chris but I doubt it. We're just way to different. I don't know. Its crazy being here at college things are so different. I don't know exactly where I'm supposed to be. Hopefully I'll find it soon. I like the things I'm doing but something's wrong. I have doubts anytime I'm not doing them if that what I'm supposed to be doing but then I'm with those people and I have a great time. It's really confusing. I just need to find that close best friends that I haven't quit found yet. And I really can't wait for next summer its going to be a blast. I think God is putting me there for a purpose but what it is I'm not sure. I just can't wait. I just hope by that time I'll know what it is I'm supposed to be doing here and be totally happy. Its like I feel sometimes I'm putting on a show. It's weird. I hate that I'm kind of in a group who went to high school together. It makes it really hard to fit in. I just need to find my group but hopefully I have now with joining Hyde Park. It'll be all good. Its weird I think that with all the moving I've done it changes things here because I'm used to being on my own and finding new people but it seems so far everyone does stuff with people they already knew or stuff. It's weird. I can't wait though to see some of my old friends. It'll be great fun I miss them lots but then I don't either. I just need to find my new group its what I've been waiting for for a while now and I know that group includes a boyfriend. I guess I'm more ready to find that guy than I wanted to admit. Its not like I'm ready to get married just to find him and start getting to know him better. I just want to find my best friend and that best friend will be the man of my dreams who I will marry and I guess I'm just being impatient to meet him. Very quickly. Because it'll be so neat to find him. I can't wait for tonight because I"LL BE going back to church and that's always fun its my favorite thing to do. It's a good thing. And I don't want to go home this weekend but I know I need to so I'm not to happy about that. Its really weird as I am wiring this I'm seeing more into me of feelings that I've tried to hide but I guess are there more than expected. Its funny I don't know what I'm looking for but I need to find it. I have God and I really want to deepen my relationship with him tremendously. I think I'm on the right path for that. I'll get there soon. I just don't know when. I'm so glad though that I found my church home that makes me feel lots better. Really it does. I just know I have a home now. And my Impulse group is great. I know that will be tons of fun. I just can't wait until Wed when we have it again. I think that will be something I'll look forward to each week because its so much fun. And I think I will get along with my group very well. I really miss my grandma lots. She was like my best friend last semester and I could tell her anything. It was nice and I still can except she doesn't write me long email back. I wish she would it would make it better. But that's ok she's still getting the hang of the Internet. Some day she'll learn how to use it and become a pro. I know she will. I hope there isn't anything really wrong with her leg. That wouldn't be good. I'm sure there's not but you never know and she loves to hide it form everybody which is bad because what if there is something really wrong. IT doesn't do any good to hide it from everybody. She didn't let my grandpa do it so why should we let her do it? Not fair and it won't happen.

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30

I am sitting in my room watching the sandlot. Alessandra, my roommate is here too. She's getting ready to go home for the weekend. Shelley and Liz are both going home to. They offered me a ride, but I'm not going to go because I went home last weekend, and I don't want to go home two weekends in a row. Although I would really like to see Jordan, my boyfriend. He's at work right now and I'm waiting for him to call. The sandlot is on the part where Benny decides to jump the fence and get the baseball back from the neighbors yard. I've seen this movie a thousand times, the next thing to happen will be the dog chasing all the boys all around the town. This is probably one of my favorite baseball movies. My favorite of all time is definitely Field of Dreams. I always cry in the end where Kevin Costner's character plays catch with his dad. They didn't get along when he was younger and he never got to say that he was sorry for everything before he died. My dad and I have been getting along a lot more lately than we have been, I know that I would regret it if I just gave up on us getting along and said fuck it, so I'm glad we are at least trying to work things out. He apologized to Jordan this weekend for all the things he said to him this summer. Jordan came over and they had a talk on the back porch. I stayed inside and folded laundry because I felt awkward and tense about the whole thing. But apparently it went alright. I need to talk to my dad and tell him that I appreciate him doing that. I forgot to before. Actually, I just realized now that that's something I need to do. Probably should have said it earlier. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. Oh well, like I said, I felt awkward about the whole thing in general. Which reminds me of a funny awkward moment I had today. I was at the Union with Shelley, and I went to the bathroom. Another girl was going in just as I was, and this made my shy bladder act up. She went into one stall, I went into the other, and I just couldn't go. Well, she wasn't going either, apparently, so we both just sat there for about a minute. I was trying hard to relax and finally I peed a little, but then it stopped. So the girl pees a little, and I pee a little more, but I still can't go all the way. I guess she gave up, because I heard the toilet flush and she left, so I was finally able to go. I went back to Shelley and told her the story. We were cracking up in the quietness of the Union 3rd floor. We started talking about Alex's engagement (again), which I feel guilty about because I am usually not the type to gossip, but it's hard to avoid talking about it. Before I saw Alex's ring (which is her grandmothers, Joe did not buy it), Shelley told me that it was 1. 7 carats, which is pretty impressive, but then I saw it, and looked at it closely, and it's not that great. Its color isn't that good, and it has a gigantic flaw in the side which I suppose Alex either hasn't seen or is just pretending that she can't see it. Jordan just called and I told him I need to call him back in eight minutes. Anyway, Alex is being really unrealistic about the whole engagement, wedding thing. She wants to get all these diamonds and a new setting for her ring, and she's looking at dresses that are 30,000 dollar, designer dresses, and the whole thing is just like a little girl planning some fantasy wedding. She doesn't seem to realize that the average middle class family can't afford something like that. But who knows, maybe her parents have more money than I think. Also, I don't know how seriously her parents have been taken her engagement. She's only been with Joe for about two months. I can hardly think about my future with Jordan now, and I definitely couldn't have thought about it after two months. The only thing I can say is that if we're still together when I graduate, I'll probably marry him. But I find myself thinking a lot that I want to be single, and I want to do all these things like travel and study aboard and maybe live in New York, and if someone is going to hold me back from those things, then I have to wonder if that's the person from me. I love him so much, but I also feel like I might be holding on to him because he's my first love and all that. He's such a great person though, I hope no matter what happens, that he will always be in my life. I just don't want to break his heart, or have my heart broken. I hope when it stops working, it just stops working for both of us and we can still be friends. Well, I have ten seconds left, so I think I'm going to call him now.

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17

It's too late to really be writing anything I think but then again I'm here aren't I? Hard to believe I am if you were to ask me where I was going to be twenty years from now it wouldn't be here. I miss my Mom and Dad though I'm not supposed to be there either. Isn't there a time when you're supposed to stop writing about your mom and dad. I'm worried that I'm not writing what I'm supposed to or that I'm not doing this naturally What is naturally anyways I mean it seems like kind of a cop out really. Naturally is a lot harder to accomplish than it looks wouldn't you say oh whoa is me I keep messing up my words and I'm not sure if this is even supposed to look pretty or what the thing with this stupid laptop is how stupid it really is It keeps on jumping up and down to the thing or in the middle of this it so it is impossible to get things down. Is natural easy for you? I wonder if that is true It's even harder to believe it is only 12 32 Whatever happened to going to bed early? I was going to attempt to do that you know Go to bed early It seems that whenever I am away from home these things occur The thing is I do this all the time. write without thinking except I do think about how things are spelled and I can't do this now Or it would take way too much time. Are you guys actually going to read this? I'm sure there are many others who are writing more fascinating things than me. I wish I could think of something funny to say then maybe I'd get an A what's funny I wonder. I wish I was in bed I'm sooo tired I haven't slept a wink I'm so tired my mind is on the brink I wonder should I get up and get myself a drink oh oh o oh I'm so tired Oh who will save your soul to me that means everything you know the songs in your head have nowhere to go except leaving the words on the page an I supposed to be speaking in poetry here? Or will I get counted off ? Are you supposed to be wondering what you get counted off for in college I wonder? My fingers are starting to hurt but the only way I can write this stream of consciousness is by lifting my hands off the keyboard because otherwise the problem arises. I've been thinking about SMU lately and how much I miss it? But do I? What is here for me that SMU doesn't have Why friends of course yet do I have friends? I have Scott I guess though I wish more than anything I had more maybe he'd like me better Shoulders are always cramping up do they do that in others ? In tours Whose reading this anyways? Are my thoughts interesting to you I wish I had a yewl leaf or a yule log Yule that's such a cool word reminds me of Christmas I sound like a goddamn Theater major being all dramatic. What is so wrong with being dramatic I wonder What is so wrong with wanting people to see you/. anyway/. I look at all these people and I criticize them all the time I even criticize scott and I wish I didn't because then I think life would be much easier to live in I don't think anyone's as negative as I am Has it been twenty minutes yet? Oh I have ten left. I wish I could get in side the teacher's but then would I really like what I see. sounding like a theater major again and the roses are blooming outside but they'll be dead soon because they are so lovey all the flowers I have die it seems. I got to get out of this place but then where will you go You want to go to another body but you know the problems will be just as frightening there Travis Craig Maria Todd Ben Jamie, Paige Ben what happened to you all? How come I never was on your crowd? How come you never thought I was cool enough to include in your circle? To respect? To invite? You know I think I would have stopped being so goddamn nice if you had invited me not made me feel like I had to try so hard to be your friend but I don't understand why I had to try so hard? What was wrong with me? I guess it was just sitting down with you all. I couldn't think of anything to say to you and now I can't think of anything to say to anyone? Does that mean they all think of me the same way? Am I doomed to be uncool forever/ Will I ever have that group of friends that I love to watch from afar? I keep trying and trying. I wonder what I would have possibly have done to be happier at SmU? I wanted to be their center of attention. I think I could have handled it if boys hit on me,. but they never did you know. I think I could have handled it if they had come up to me and said hey. you know were going to a movie tonight do you want to come? We really want you too,. I really want you too. And have it not be on a school night for God's sake. I mean that was half my problem I never went to anyone's house on a school night. I wanted to study. Was that so bad? And I guess I just felt very intimidated when I went over there because all I could really do was watch. I could never really join in because they didn't think it was worth listening to ? Or was it my fault because I just didn't try? Now I'm here and I don't feel any different at the coop except at this point I really don't care if they accept me or not because I have tons of more important things to do. I have my time school you know School take up like Scott's work and your theater and everything. , UT is my life now,. ,. my best friend I guess. What is a best friend anyway? Everyone has their faults I guess a best friend is someone oh times up.

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5

The thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment deal with my studies. I am trying to do as much studying this week before the weekend when all my friends from Houston are comming in. I'm having trouble accomplishing this because I haven't managed my time to have enough time to study. I'll go to the library for about 2 hours and feel like I haven't learned anything. Aside from school, everything is going well. I have a boyfriend back in Houston and we are working the "long distance relationship" good. He is visiting me this weekend and so far we have seen one another every weekend. I have been with him for almost two years and ever since I have come to college, I am worried it will not work out. He is 21 years old and doesn't have a successful future as of right now. He is attending a junior college, but he isn't doing much there and he doesn't set goals for himself. I am starting to realize the importance of school and my future. I don't want to waste years of my life with someone that can't provide a future for me. I went potluck this year at my dorm. We get along great. The only flaws I can see as of right now is that she is on the phone all the time and that she sleeps really early. It bothers me that everytime someone calls for mr she tells them shes on the other line and to call back. I cannot do anything past 10:30 in the room for I feel I am interupting her sleep. This is difficult for me because I'm so used to sleeping late and doing little things like playing on the computer or watching television before going to bed. Today I only had one class which was economics. I don't think I did very well on our quiz today and I think it will be my hardest class this semester. I am currently in the college of liberal arts as undeclared and I am scared of not being able to get into the business school. I am positive that I want an office job. I am lookin into commuinications as a back up of business. It bothers me how people got into business school just because they were in the top 10% of their senior class, because I went to a ver competitive school with many smart students as where many of the students went to small schools or schools that I know I couldv'e been top ten in. I was happy to be in the top 15% in my school which took a lot of hard work. Throughout high school I took an English class at a junior college and I just found out that the official transcript I had sent had no grade on it to tranfer for credit here at ut, so I had to call the college to send another one to UT. my dorm room just got painted and it still smells in here. The people in my wing are friendly. Last night I went to an FSA meeting. Here I met people the same race as I(Filipino). This was interesting to see how many Filipinos are on campus and a good way to meet people since I haven't really been associationg with people I've never met yet. I'm looking forward to play co-ed sports with this association and meeting other FSA members from Dallas,U of H, and Baylor. My older sister was part of this organization and she got a lot out of it. My sister has been an importmant part of my life. She is a motherly figure, but younger. She has been a great role model and is there for me whenever I need her. For the rest of the day I plan on going to the library and studying and going out later on tonight. I'm looking forward to this weekend. I also have to vacuum our room and do laundry. I went to church here in Austin for the first time recently and it was very ackward. I have gone to church every sunday in the past with my family and it was weird being there by myself. I started to tear because all these memories of my family and the church arised in my mind. I've realized that recently I have been crying a lot. It's usually emotions built up in my mind of my boyfriend. He has been really nice and caring lately then he was when I was at home. I swam while I was in high school and was going to the gym at least 3 times a week. As I have been in college I have taken fewer trips to the gym. I have been lazy or too busy worrying about school. I have been gettin 5-6 hours of sleep lately. It's not that I stay up late, but its the fact that I am tired and can't fall asleep. I think it is probably caused by stress. I want to go home soon because I need to buy many things for my dorm. It's hard not having a car and being able to go wherever you want when you please. I am eating ramen noodles for the first time as a college student. I ate them at home about twice a week so I'm used to it. The food here at the dorm gets old. I get sick of the same things and same tastes everyday. I think I may be gaining weight. I really need to go running. Our televison is finally working and I can watch my soap opera. I really miss my family, dog, and friends back home. In a way I wish I had stayed back.

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19

Throughout my life I have experienced many important events in which have shaped the way of my future. for example, when first arriving at UT I was awe-inspired by the size of the campus, and the enormous amounts of students which attended. I was shocked by the different races which represented each other. I could tell that everyone was already forming their own little "clicks", whether it was based on their interests in music, race, sex, sexual orientation, everyone was already making new friends, and social gathering were taking place. While everyone was socializing I was busy worrying about the classes that I was taking, the assignments that were supposed to be done in classes that I had. I was lonely, I was scared, and being from a large city, I was trying to adapt to an even larger one. although UT is a beautiful campus it offers more than just a decent education it offers a variety of things, for example, the opposite sex,new friends, and just having a good time, while at the same time, studying. I knew coming to UT that I would have a good education, but I needed a way to find myself, who I was, and what I wanted to study, I came to UT wanting to be a doctor, but I figured that it may not be something I wanted to do. perhaps becoming a professor would strike my fancy, at some time in my college education, but whatever it is that I may become I want it to be something that I am going to be happy doing. I realized that high school is much different that college. college is much more demanding, and time consuming. but in the end it will even out someday. When I was a child I had dreams of being a great military leader. a policeman. a astronaut. or a physicist. as of now I don't know what I want to become I'm still trying to find something that will interest me greatly. as a child I always wanted to do something that related to the field of science thats why I wanted to become a doctor. but now that I'm in psychology I've realized that it is much more than the study of the mind. but how it works and functions. in science I have always wanted to contribute something that will interest others. for example in psychology, it would be interesting to someday find a cure to depression. or just find a way to make everyone happy, in the event that I would someday accomplish something like this, I would make sure that everyone would reap the rewards of a healthy lifestyle. knowing that I have contributed something to the art of science would be enough for my to tell my grandchildren one day. now that I am more relaxed here at UT it is easier for me to meet new people and get around campus faster. finding the shortcuts. and finding which classes are the best. all the time when I first discovered what comes along with a great education. i have also figured out that I can become whatever I want to be. just as long as I put my mind to it. and test out my skills as a academian. coming to UT I knew would offer a lot of new and important things to me. i knew that with hard work and determination. i could accomplish whatever I wanted to. conquering my thoughts has been something that has always been a goal of mine. overpowering myself, knowing that I can't always tell myself what to do all the time. and just let my unconscious mind take over. often times when I become depressed I find that it is easier to listen to soothing music. talking with a friend. or playing chess with a friend. or playing cards with them. at times I just want to take a walk or listen to the outside or hear the rain as it pours down so easily. when I do find myself depressed I always try and do something productive so that it will get off my mind. and think about other things. such as playing basketball. playing baseball. or like I said playing a good game of chess with my friends. i havent quite yet found my niche at UT but it will come someday. and I too will find my interests in academics. and find something that I truly love doing. whether it be my major now. such as biology or even psychology. as a kid I remember pouring through my fathers materials. because he to was a psych major and he understood how the mind worked and how we get along with our environments. and how we socially interact on a daily basis with nature. all along I thought I always knew what I wanted to do when I got older but I guess its an answer I will learn in time. ???

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Ok, so I don't understand how people can get into relationships that are so suffocating. My friend was just telling me how his girlfriend was mad at just because he didn't call her right at 12am. He also told me that he couldn't tell his girlfriend that he was out with me at HEB because then that would make her jealous. What kind of relationship is that when there is no trust, even though they say they love each other. Blah, blah, blah. They've been going out for less than 3 months and they are talking about love and marriage. I can't imagine falling in love so quickly. Maybe that is because I've never been in that situation before. My friends always ask why I don't date. I've been trying to figure out that myself. I usually use the "copout" answer that I don't have the time which is indeed true. I also think that I don't date because I haven't found the person who I click with. There are some friends I feel totally comfortable around, but they are too good of friends and that would be way too awkward. Supposedly, as others say, I could get any guy I want, but I totally doubt that. I guess I just have a low selfesteem, but I don't know. That's kind of an extreme statement to make. I think also I've been so independent all my life because of mommy and daddy always being at the restaurant that I basically raised myself. There could have been so many opportunities for me to turn bad, but I didn't. Yet, things my parents never think anything is good enough. I feel like they always see the bad in me. If I do something good, they praise that, but automatically follow with a negative quality about me. How do you think that makes me feel? What's the point of trying if nothing if ever good enough. I always do things to please others. I am doing pharmacy because my parents want me to and I don't want to disappoint them because I see how hard they work and what they have gone through with my brother. I sometimes get so depressed when I realize that they are putting all their hopes on me and they make me feel guilty when I don't do what they want me to do. Sometimes I feel it is too much pressure on me and I just want to cry and give up everything. Don't they understand that that is too much pressure for me and that I might crack one day and go crazy. Sometimes I always ask why me and why my family. like why are we going through these tough financial situations when we are such good people. But then I realize how lucky we are. We have a home, food, and all the people in my immediate family are healthy and living. I hear horror stories of what other people have to suffer through and I make it a point to not take anything for granted because EVERYTHING could completely change in a blink of an eye. I also ask why are all the girls so much prettier than me and why I'm not as smart as others. Then I hear kids that are born with mental retardation and makes me realize how lucky I am to be healthy and normal. It so hard sometimes to see of all the good things you have when you envy what others have. That's a serious problem I have. I should just be content with what I have and not worry about what others have. I like to be nice to others but when I see my friends giving more attention and things to my other friend who is always mean and whiney, what's the use of being nice and submissive. Why do all the good "guys" lose? I guess that is just how the world works and that is so pathetic. I guess that is how human nature is. I went to the UT Dance Clinic tonight and I wish I was good enough to make it. I just don't pick up combinations up as quickly as the other girls. I wish I could because I really want to make it. I love to dance. I wish I could do that for the rest of my life but I am not good enough to make it my profession. It is so relaxing and I truly love doing it. I don't think pharmacy is what I want to do for the rest of my life. It seems to boring. But I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I guess I haven't found my niche in the world. I wish I just knew what I wanted to do and go with it. Why do I change my mind so often? Life would be so much easier if I could just figure out what exactly I wanted to do with my life. I just hope my future is all I hope it to be. happy, prosperous, healthy, and with someone I truly love.

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okay I’m writing this stream of consciousness things and it's 11:57 and god my roommate is sick as hell she's got this nasty head cold and I hope my typing isn't keeping her up god I wish people wouldn't pound their feet when they go up and down the stairs I wonder if my computer was a bad idea when I decided to place it right by the window oh god I think I am bothering my roommate she just sat up but now she's laying back down again I wonder if I’ll get cold tonight with the fan on cause a cold fronts coming through I feel a little drainage in my throat I hope I’m not catching my roommates cold oh god I hope tomorrow wont be boring or mundane god it's only 12:00 I never realized how hard it is to write for 20 minutes this mouse pointer is annoying me I want to move it but I don’t want to stop writing thud somebody's making thud noises outside god that fan is loud oh I can't stop writing because if I did it would be unethical or shit my roommate just made a very weird snorting sound it must suck to have a nasty head cold your first week of school I’m looking at my water bottle wishing we had an ozarka bottle in our dorm I was mildly planning on drawing up a petition with the other girls in order to get one I was also toying with the idea of creating a petition to get better food in the cafeteria or whatever god I can't wait to use the sorority koozie I got on bid day for some reason I don't like flashing around and advertising the fact that I’m in a sorority, not that I’m not proud of my sorority it's just that it seems such a confining statement to be making to the rest of the world who reads my T-shirt I mean I’m no longer Lindsey (blank) but I am sorority girl and so many connotations accompany such a title so I’d rather start a point 0 with people instead of increasing their preconceived notions of my personality because of my tee shirt god it's only 12:07 boy I’ve never written so much bullshit in my life there goes my roomie again with her congested self I wonder if I’ll be able to swing this college life I mean I want to do well so well so I can prove it to my mom that I can do it yet I want to party a lot I know that sounds real deep and profound anyway my back is starting to ache because I still haven’t attached the back part to my computer chair b/c this task requires me to use some tool that I don't have in my possession at the moment so my computer chair kind of acts a rolling piano stool type dealie, speaking of computers I put this damn computer desk together with my own bare hands and boy am I proud it arrived in 4 foot 3 inch thick box of plywood and screws and it now stands a proud computer desk with a cd holding section, god my eyes are starting to get tired but I really have no reason to go to bed b/c I have no classes before 12 and I’m not a morning person and I already have a hard enough time filling my days with things to do and I don't want to be too tired to party because I’ve risen before 10:00 am. so I have many incentives to not go to bed and I feel like shit if I get more than 8 hours of sleep I’m one of those always got to be busy people so I can't stand not having something to occupy my time even if it is sleeping late in the morning yet I feel like a slug if I sleep to late actually I feel guilty as if I’m wasting my life and not prioritizing my time correctly god my left eye is tired and my nose keeps itching, I’m so proud of myself that I am completing this assignment ahead of schedule at least it appears that I’m off to a good start see I just can't fathom how some girls I know are already missing class, I mean what the hell else do you have to do here but occasionally study, party, and sleep so my belief is you might as well go to class since your paying for it and it makes a tremendous difference in your grade, but I shouldn't necessarily jump on a soap box because I never know how long I will remain this disciplined. kick ass it's 12:18 and I’m signing off!

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This is the first writing assignment I have had in college. I'm a little nervous. I don't know why I should be worried about this because at least this writing assignment is an interesting one. I've never written in a stream of consciousness. I just lost my train of thought. I tend to do that. Actually, I constantly go off on these tangents as I hold any conversation. It's quite annoying. But hey, it's me. It's about to rain outside. I was just telling a friend about how hilarious it was that everyone noticed that it was raining when one student left early during class yesterday. And Professor Pennebaker was totally right when he said noone was paying attention anymore to what he was saying because we were all thinking, "How the hell am I going to get home now?". I laughed for a long time after that, but I was still thinking about the rain. After I ran out of class I noticed a lot of people were prepared, and had their umbrellas with them. I also noticed that the people with these umbrellas who were walking with someone else without an umbrella, did not share their umbrella with the other person. Not one of them. I thought that was extremely odd. I have never used the word umbrella so many times in one sentence. I'm very sleepy now. The rain tends to have that effect on me. I love the rain, not just for that reason but it's also soothing. But I do hate when it rains right before, or when I am about to go out. It's a hassle that I haven't had to deal with for a long time. I'm thinking we are in the middle of a drought. I can't wait until winter either. That time of year makes me happy. I don't know why I keep referring to weather. I'm not one of those, "It's lovely weather we are having today", kind of person.

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14

I want to get good grades in all my classes. My goals is to get between a 3. 5 and a 4. 0. which is really going to be hard between fraternity and classes. I really like this college and have seemed to have adjusted well. I like my roommate. He cracks me up. his little insights on lfe entertain me. tomorrow I am going to work out. I need to run. this will keep me healthy and make me feel good about myself. I have to ask a date to My fraternity function for Friday night. the girl I want to ask isn't home but hopefully will be there later. I think that she is cute, and that she might like me. I am worried about classes. I haven't been able to review all my notes. there is just too much to do in this damn town. I heard about my ex-girlfriend today. I hope I never see her again. she amde my senior year so hard. I was so upset over her. I never understood how one person can have such an effect on another person. She might come in for AC, a sammy party. I hope that she doesn't come near me, because if I'm drunk I'll probally tell her to go to hell. I mean, after all she broke my heart. I was the one who felt like shit all the time. I hope she chokes on her own food. But I don't want her to die. Professor said today that love and hate are mixed together. he is so right. I hate stacy so much, but sometimes I just love too much. I wish I could sever all ties with her--oh well shit happens. She just makes me so angry, but my anger is a sign that I haven't gottne rid of my ties to her. this assignment take a long time. I'm really tired because I have been up since 5:15 in the morning. I had to go get football tickets-yea! I'm going to the 1st game on saturday, that will be a blast. The crowd will probally be nuts. I can't wait. This university is so cool, I just wish that there were no street people on the drag. They just sit around and smoke and ask you for change. These kids need to either go home, I hear that they choose to live that lifestyle, or become a ward of the state. I am almost tapped out. Writing my thoughts is a very hard task. it is mentally challenging. I want to go downstairs to ask out slyvia, but I dn't know if she is home, maybe ill just call alec and see. I have one more minute. My mind is almost blank because I'm so tired. This course is quite hard and I wish you would explain the concepts better. I have to go read my book. Times up. See you in class

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21

I am very tired. Actually I am not sure if I am tired or if I am just wanting to be tired. It almost seems strange but being tired is almost like a way out, or my ticket away from always having to be around people. I ma usually considered the very social one, whether it is with my friends or my family, but I have always been the one that should be so happy. I love country music. I remember that I used to listen to it all of the time when I was a freshman in high school. I think that I might have listened to it then because all of my new friends did and I wanted to be exactly like them. I also remember that Barron used to listen to it. I guess it made me feel cooler when I could sing along to the songs in the car with everyone else. College is so weird and I miss my Mom and Dad so much. I got to see Mom today and it was so great, and now I really want to cry. I wanted to cry when she left, and now that she is gone I want to cry even more. I am not going to cry though because if someone walked in here then it would take forever and they would never leave because they think that they have to, and that they can somehow make me feel better and stop missing my parents. Lizzie looked so cute today. She is getting older way too fast. Kind of reminds me of myself. She has a really bad temper though and I think that she got it from my mom. She is so damn smart though. I miss having that kid say weird things all of the time. Making me laugh. I have had really weird dreams lately. I think that Travis must be really tired I wonder if he really only does like me that much when he is drunk. I have words sometimes. Sometimes I just really hate everything. I miss Jenna being able to tell me to go to sleep and everything would be better the next day in high school. Jenna has a new best friend now. Seems like everyone always has a very best, closest friend and I never really have just one. I am usually best friends with the guys. I guess that Jenna and I used to be inseparable very best friends, but being in San Antonio will really tear two people apart. I really don't want to read my psychology. I want to read Harry Potter. I think that I almost make myself want to read because my mom loves it so much. I love my mom, and I miss going to camp. I need to stop missing things and take some of my advice to heart. I know what is right and wrong and I know the harsh facts of things coming and going in life. I wonder if the sophomore girls had fun this weekend while they were in Austin. I think that that is pretty silly that they came up here for a whole weekend as a birthday party when they can't even go out, except to maybe like a movie. I wonder if Austin is really crazy about Kyle and I wonder if Brad has ever thought about getting with or dating Rachel Perry. I miss high school. I miss my megaphone and my big blue bronco and being able to want to go to college. Last night I had really good margaritas. They would have been so much better if the were frozen. I want to meet Vince Gill. I hope that someday King sings to me. I want to date King. Not just get with him but date him. I always like one boy and try to date him and end up dating his best friend, but still wishing that I could date the other one. I wonder if King's girlfriend is really cute. Julie is here. She is so much fun, she reminds me of Jill Clower but I seriously think that she is so much nicer than Jill Clower could have ever been. I really don't want to do this stupid assignment. I don't want to do this anymore. I could totally stop and come back and no one would ever know, but I am sure that there is some kind of point or something and I wonder if anyone is really going to ever read this I wonder how George Magel is doing. That boy never really changed since 6th grade. There are two ways to write 6th on this computer. I had so much fun walking on sixth street the other night with Tim. It would be really cool if he would call me. I really was looking forward to coming to college and making a best friend that would be in my wedding and move to New York with me for no reason, and do fun things like shop for fruit and flowers and watch old movies. I don't think that I have found my real best friend yet. I wonder if people really think that you only have one mate out there waiting for you. I wonder if that is true. No one could ever prove that. The only person who knows things like that is God. My Dad is really close to God. I really do think that the closer you are to God the better your life is. You may not be famous, or always have the cutest clothes, but you will know what and who you love and what is important to you, and those few, simple things that are important will work out perfectly, they way God wants. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and things will never go wrong. I wish that I could sing. That would be so cool. I love to dance also, and I can't wait to try out for pom squad. I love being in front of everyone. I wonder how Lizzie learned to work computers. That is a weird kid. I am really bad at computers, you can ask Mrs. Allen about that one. Mrs. Allen would love Lizzie. She is so computer and gets everything done, and understand computers. What she doesn't understand she can figure out also. Jennifer Welch is really nice but I hate the fact that she is so pretty. I miss Sarah. I wish that I could decorate a room and rationalize as well as her. Lately I have not really been so tired. I have been running on about 3 to 5 hours of sleep a night, but it has been okay. I really think that I could look a lot better if I had been running and sleeping more. I think that in a while I am going to go jogging outside, but I better do it before it gets dark Inbox users: Get your email on your mobile phone Powered by InterMail from Software. comNew! Help Add URL Advertise on Excite Jobs@Excite Press Releases Copyright (c) 2000 At Home Corporation. All rights reserved. Excite, @Home, the Excite logo and the @Home logo are service marksor registered service marks ofAt Home Corporation in the United States and other countries. Disclaimer and Privacy Statement

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29

I'm supposed to write for twenty minutes. So I think that I will write about what I know the most about. I know the most about myself. Maybe this means I'm stuck up because I'm writing about myself and not about something important, like homelessness or starvation and poverty and other things of that nature. But if that is the case, I will just have to be stuck up. I don't know that I really understand myself, so I'm not really sure what I should say. Sometimes, I'm fairly predictable. Other times, I just don't know why I do what I do. I guess everyone could say that about themselves, so I'm not being too original here. I'll try to think of something more original. I am weird. I wonder if everyone thinks that they are weird. I am not comfortable with love, yet I crave it. I close the door in love's face when it comes knocking. I like movie love. The kind where everything just ends happily ever after. Cinderella is a perfect example. She finds the man of every woman's dreams, and gets him. I think I once found the man of my dreams. But I just wasn't ready to find him then. At least that will be my excuse for letting him get away. I wonder why people think that love is so important to find. I feel like it is the purpose of our being here. Do animals really search for the ONE? Or do they just find a new partner every season? Maybe that is what is supposed to set humans aside from animals. Everyone thinks that humans are so much smarter than animals. I think that maybe animals are much smarter. They don't mess with love. They just have mates. I bet their lives are less stressful. I guess love really isn't that stressful, as long as both people are in love. It seems to me that when you are in love, everything seems perfect. Life suddenly loses its stressfulness. I think the phrase is that it looks like you're looking at the world through rosetinted glass. Roses are nice. I love flowers in general. They smell good. They look pretty. They are such pointless gifts because they die so quickly once they are cut. But I guess that is what makes them so nice to receive the simple fact that someone spent money on something that will only last a few days just to brighten your face for a moment.

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8

Well, first I'm thinking that I should've done this a few days ago instead of on the last day. There are still a few hours left, but it's never good to procrastinate. I guess it's ok because I've been very busy lately doing work for other classes. I'm usually in my dorm doing work instead of going to 6th street and getting drunk, which is what I thought I was supposed to be doing. Some of my friends call me a hermit" now because I'm in my dorm doing work a lot of the times. I don't really care. I'd rather be responsible. I do go out though. Yesterday I went with some friends to go watch a volleyball game. Now I'm feeling full and satisfied because I just ate a pizza and I was extremely hungry. I haven't felt this satisfied in a while. I don't really like most of the food in the cafeteria, but the pizza is good. I miss the food at home. I miss home a lot. I miss my family even though I talk to them over the phone just about every day. It's just not the same when you are away. Life at home this summer was so simple. I was just in my house very comfortable and without worries. I would go out with my girlfriend every few days. I miss her desperately. I think I was supposed to also describe what I'm smelling. I don't really smell anything right now. I wish I could smell my girlfriend's perfume again. I think that's my favorite smell of all. It's weird because I sometimes "remember" what the scent was. I don't think that's supposed to happen. Now I'm thinking that I've been typing too damn much and my hands are getting tired. Oh well. It's in the name of science. Now I'm thinking that someone might probably be reading this. I feel sorry for whoever has that job. Sorry for writing this much. Sorry for not being very interesting. Now I'm remembering that I missed the rain again. I missed yesterday's rain because I was in my psychology class. When I got out, the ground was wet. It happened again today on the count of my pre cal class. Now I'm thinking that I probably should've done this thing on internet explorer instead of netscape because I think there should be a timer above this box thingy. Now I don't know when to stop. I'm probably going to stop too soon. I'll get an F in this assignment. I'll fail this class and be dropped. Then I won't be considered a full time student because I'm only taking 12 hours. I'll be forced to go home, and I will go home a failure. Hmm. that probably won't happen. After all, I've been having so much here, even though it is away from all that I hold dear. I think I have 10 more minutes to go. Now I'm feeling that I have to go take a leak. Dammit. It'll have to wait. I'm still not sure what this is for and what it studies. Maybe someone will read this and say that I'm crazy. That would be funny. All I need is confirmation. Now I'm thinking that my time would be better spent outside. Outside the air was cool and the sky was cloudy. A very pretty day. I hate being inside. I'd much rather be outside. I have a good view of the outside from my window. I'm on the seventh floor so it's pretty cool. I think I'm doing this wrong. I'm still not sure why. I think my time is coming running out. Yup, I'm done.

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MMM I was just thinking about the rolls from Kinsolving. My friends are in my room just got really quiet so I felt very conscious of there presence. I don't know what I'm thinking about!! I am now looking at my nails-- I've been biting my nails so there not very long anymore. I'm wondering how long 20 minutes is going to be for this assignments. I really miss my friend Monica, my best friend. She would be able to make friends so easily here at UT. I am worried because I need to make study buddies. I hope my classes won't be too hard. the back of my desk is old-- well, not the back of my desk the drawer is cold I'm so blank I guess when I have to write down my thoughts, it's harder My typing sucks-- I type okay but I make a lot of mistakes that keep me from typing all of my thoughts. I hope I don't gain weight while I am here. I need to lose 15 more pounds but it's so hard when I have to eat in a cafeteria-- there are too many temptations I wonder where Aubrey is, she didn't even tell me What just happened to my computer-- I thought I had lost my entire entry I am so tired I walked a lot today. I've already written for about 14 minutes-- that went by pretty fast should I go the Grease thing? I don't want tulle on my window-- is that the way you spell tulle? Roni just told me it is spelled tulle. How am I suppose to know how to spell tulle I wish someone was in love with me- I wish I could find someone to love. Most of the guys around here seem to ignore my presence I remember this episode of Friends The guy is so rude I love Friends it is so funny Wow, it's practically been 20 minutes-- my wrist hurts from typing so much That girl is so funny-- I can't wait until the new episodes come out-- if I have time!! That settles it-- it's been over 20 minutes. So I guess I'll you go

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7

College is awesome though, there is no doubt about that, but it is a little hard to handle well, but sick is an even bigger challenge. I never knew how fun college could actually be, it is crazy. There are so many new people to meet and make friends with, some are nice some not, but hey that is always how it goes. I grew up in Austin so finding my way around campus is really no big deal for me. It actually is really nice, because I know my way around the entire city, and plus my parents are here just in case I really need them. Plus the fact that it is easier for me to get money that it is for most people. Another bonus about having grown up in Austin is the fact that I don't have to change my doctor or anything like that, which came in very handy this week, with me being sick and all. The one thing that bothers me the most about college is the pressure to fit in. I'm in a sorority and absolutely love it, but what I don't love is the fact that when we go to parties, every guy there tries to hand you a beer, and for someone who normally doesn't drink it can get kind of annoying. But even worse is the fact that I start to feel like there is something wrong with me because I am not drinking. Like I should be and because I'm not that I am just the weird girl. It is hard for me because I don't want to compromise my moral and religious beliefs, but I continue to find it harder and harder to say no when someone asks me if I want something to drink. It is a very weird and torn feeling, and when I do drink I feel really guilty about it. The one thing that I don't understand is why people think that they need to drink in order to have a good time. After all, most of the time they don't even remember to good time that they had. I myself know that I am having just as much fun as everyone else when I am sober. I am continuing to struggle with this subject daily. I am out of the comfort zone of my high school friends. Friends who believed the same things that I did and that didn't feel like they had to drink to have a good time. I miss them so much, even though I am making new friends here, I still wish that I could see my old friends every day, because just by looking at the expression on my face they can tell when I need a hug because I'm having a bad day or that I just need someone to talk to. It takes a while to form deep relationships with people because no one wants to open up right away and let themselves be vulnerable, they are afraid that if they do it will come back to haunt them, I'm guilty of the same things. It is just going to take time to make really good, deep friendships here at college, but I think that I am on my way. I often wonder if other people are feeling the exact same way that I am. If they are nervous, timid and scared. I guess that is really stupid to ask because I know that they are. I find it so strange how life takes turns that you never would have expected. It is never predictable and never quite goes the way that you have planned it to go. When I first applied for college I swore that I was going to go out of state, but low and behold I changed my mind and here I am at the University of Texas. God himself is just incredible, especially when he throws little things into your life, weather it is for the good or the bad you know that it is in his plan. If you ever really stop to think about what would have happened if you didn't meet one person, how many other of your friends would you have never met. I just don't understand how people can think that there is not a higher power looking over us, because from where is sit today, everything that has happened in my life, and the people that I have met, I know are more than mere coincidence, much much more.

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10

it cuts into my social time and I hate that I can't do some things because I have to get ready for my classes the next day. I enjoy college that much. well I enjoy the social aspects and the fact that I can meet all kinds of new and interesting people, but I am so sick of school and the first week isn't even over yet. that is very sad. I wonder if everyone is this way. well at least I am trying to get a head start on all the psychology requirements. if I get them out of the way immediately then I don't have to worry about them at the end of the semester when I need to be worrying about my other finals. I am very grateful that we don't have a final in this psychology course. psychology is very interesting to me. I don't think I could pursue a career in it though. I just think it is neat to study what people are thinking and why they are thinking things. I think I can handle the class. think I can handle everything this semester. I just hope that I don't get too homesick and that I get along well with everyone. I can't wait to see Chris my childhood friend. he is so smart. he is fixing to start working on his phd in pharmacology. he hasn't always been this smart. when he got into high school his brain started to kick in gear I guess. ever since then he has made straight A's and has been the class genius. I guess what he needed was a boost of self confidence. his brother on the other hand needs confidence and motivation more than anyone I know. he irritates me sometimes because everyone has to go to him and he won't go do anything without people forcing him to go. I love him though. it is funny how someone can irritate you to death but because you've known him forever you have to accept his faults and still love him. it is funny how people are so impressed with money and the people that have a lot of it. if you had a bunch of money you could have instant friends. it drives me crazy that people don't look at the person but what the person has. you end up worse for it because that person that has all the money just ends up annoying everyone else. anyway there are some people out there that aren't like that and don't go crazy over someone because they have a lot of money. that is one thing I have learned that you can't stereotype people at all because there are always exceptions to the rules. well my twenty minutes up and it went by real fast. it is funny how fast time goes by when your mind is preoccupied or you are having fun. I think it is neat.

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19

i can't believe what i just did i wrote my thoughts all in that process of stream of consciousness and realized i didnt' put my social security number or name. it got sent though, so i don't know what to do now. all these problems are so fixable and avoidable. just in case i'm going to do it all again anyway. i guess i'll just type what i wrote last time unless i have a big interrupting thought. it worries me that i don't know where i'm going in life. when i get an idea i start doubting myself an thinking i'm not competent. friends seems msasrter than me. am i just too analytical or self conscious to break out of my shell? i need to eat i'm so hungry and i have to go to rowing meeting in an hour. am i capable of going to medical school? can i openmy own practice someday? will myrace hold me back? is it an advantage or disadvantage? both? whycan't i look like everyone else? i'm different. i wish i was unque. i'm a walking contradiction. one day i want to be different the other i just want to be like everyone else. i mean i where GAP like evvvvery day and that's the most mainstream you can get. i miss thomas. i miss the way he always made me feel like a good person. i loved him. now i love him more like as a friend but i definitely miss the fun times we've had. i wish i had a boyfriend like him again. excpet a bit different for variety. i hate angela. best friends since 5th grade and look what she did to me. she hurt me sooooo much. she punched me over and over. and i knew i could kick her puny ass but i loved her too much. now i look back and wish i never even associated with her. she's such a punk. i bet she'd like me more now if she saw me. now i'm more liek her. more bitter, more volitle. did i spell that right? i miss her though. we had good times. church camp. haha, imagine her at camp now. she'd set us all on fire instead. it's only been six minutes and it feels like an hour. i can't believe i did this assignment wrong. it's not one of those things you put in the right answers because if that's the case, i wouldn't have to wait a whole 20 minutes. i like this assignment though. psychology is the first class that didn't put me to sleep. i'm glad. it's going to be my major probably. except those dumb blondes kept commenting and chatting about everything. so annoying. for the past few minutes all i've been doing is bitching and moaning about how awful i feel and how awful life is to me. you'd never know i was considered freakin' beautiful, popular, social, likable, homecoming princess, varsity athlete since frosh year. damn, i really had this act going strong. what's with christina aguilera trying to act all ghetto now? she's freakin blonde blue eyed little shrimp with a big voice. don't let your careeer go down the ghetto tube like freakin sleazy mariah carey! is she still in the hospital? poor thing to think about, she's so pretty and got such a wonderful voice, but ever since she split from tommy mattola she got yucky. celine dion is so tantelizing. is that the right way to use that word? i used to be so religious andf now i'm not at all. damn school course religion and philosophy. now i'm lost man. lost as a freakin fish in a bowl of nothingness. haha, am i getting bad and poetic? i wish i had a way with words like some gifted talented folks. i wonder if i'd be this unhappy if i lived in oregon still. i miss oregon. i don't miss the bullshit with that crowd but i miss certain things about it. i hope dad gets a raise soon because he deserves one. i hope diana finds what she's looking for. she said she's depressed. michelle thinks she's bi. mom said she wants to kill herself. this 8 minutes is going to go sloooow i'm telling you. people aren't as friendly here. liz is so perfect, funny that she's so down on herself. she's a perfectionist that's why. she became anorexic. she stopped getting her period, her skin got bad, and she became socially inept all the sudden. she is another one of those people who are surrounded by people but might feel very alone. i heard that psychologists have a problem stemming in their own life and to help other people is a subconcious way of letting that go. i believe it because i'm like that. i want to help people feel good, i want to listen to them. i'm one of those people who constantly remind themselves to ask about how the other person's day was since i find myself focusing on myself too much. i ask questions that i want asked of me. that's so selfish. ok i think i'm nearly done, but this is taking so long. ahhhh. . devon, left the group . good thing too. but she's hanging out with the wrong crowd again i think. matt marino is such a pothead. i wish he was here too so that we can hangout. i want a car. i want that white jeep back. i wish i had a sweet car, a cell, and computer. a fully-paid tuition grant whatever. i need it. there's so many people that don't but oh well. i think that's all.

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30

I am really really really hot. I don't know what to say. My girlfriend just called she's going to New York. I have some pretty messed up feelings about that. To a certain extent I feel kinda abandoned going here to UT. All of my friends are going to that amazing just right school for them. Me. I took the easy cheap way out. I knew that I could get in here, so I only applied here. Thats not to say that I don't like it here, I really do. I think that it will be interesting. I am really hungry. My roomate isn't here, he's working. I get to go to the dining hall all by myself, and I get to sit down, all by myself, and I get to proceed to eat. all by myself. I really like my room. I don't know why, but for some reason It has just taken over and become home. I'm not sure what to think about this expirement. I know that I've done stream of concious writing before because I took some creative writing classes, but now I'm afraid that this is going to be used to analyze my brain and you're going to use it to steal my credit card number, and forge all sorts of stuff. Speaking of credit cards, I got my first today, and had to send it home with parents because you can only activate the cards from your home phone, what kind of messed up shit is that? I'm sorry, I really should stop swearing. For some reason my mouth has to the potty since I started. I d o n ' t k n o w w h a t to say. I'm sort of bored right now. And I'm sort of in a strange dillema. This is going to sound sort of like Jerry Springer. I don't know if I love my girlfriend. I mean, I do, that's not the issue. It's that she's going to New York, and I'm here. And I don't know what to do about that. I'm going out to see her at thanksgiving. I really miss what she brought to my life. It was that feeling of completeness. I know that this is bad, but I'm already starting to look around for something to replace that feeling that is gone. I think that long distance relationships suck. You know that I can type really really fast. Sometimes I think that I can type faster than I can think. Or maybe thats the other way around. Maybe that's the reason this is turning into somany things that I don't know were floating around inside my head. It is right now five fifty. I have ten minutes to go. I can't believe that you're going to actually read this. That is really impressive. I can't imagine reading six hundred different stream of concience writings. I think that either your going to grade them pass fail, or you're an insomniac with nothing better to do with your time. I really wish that I could have a totally silent computer. You know, that's not random, It has to the fact that right now it is humming. I would put in some music, but that would mean taking my hands from off of the keyboard, which is illegal. So instead I'll play the game by the rules, and sing along to something in my head. Jen, Jen, Jeeeee----eeen Jen, Jen. She doesn't fucking care are are. Whether I like her or not. Okay that didn't really work out. I hate how you can only remember the lyrics to one part of a song. You end up singing like this. Word Word Word, dum dum dee dum. This shit would be really funny if I could instead speak it to you. I gaurantee that I'm the guy who will never shut up. Although lately I feel that maybe I've been too quiet. I think it may be time to sing something in the dining hall, maybe that will make people want to sit with me. Only five minutes left. That means I can eat by my badass lonely self. It should be fun. Maybe I'll call this girl I know. The problem with that is that I don't know where or friendship begins and ends. I don't know if she even considers me a friend. Its a total fucking mystery to me. I want to sit her down and tell her look. I think that I like you. The problem is that I'm afraid of rejection and failure and all of that bad stuff. You see I think that maybe I would make a good psychiatrist, because I've been through some weird shit, and that would help me to understand what was going on in other people's minds. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just totally fucking alone in the world. It's a frightening thought. And there I go with the swearing thing again. I would go back and edit it for langauge and content, but I figure that you probably won't be reading this thing anyways, so what does it matter. I like the fact that you seem to know how to handle a big class. Sorry, I don't even know why I seem to be writing this to you. I really should be writing this to myself. And if I was writing this to myself, I think that maybe I would rather just mull over it in my own head, as opposed to online, on paper, on something. So that's what I'm going to do. Good bye Gotham City

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22

this job is going to drain me if I don't say something to these people I think they're too spoiled 1 minute almost done okay want to go home oh but yeah I need to check pretesting this is the longest minute okay bye.

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I really have no idea what to write about. I am home for the weekend from my first half week of college. It feels like I have just been on vacation and am home now. Some of my friends wanted me to go dancing with them tonight, but I took some allergy medicine and I have no desire to dance. The medicine makes me so tired. My dad is very upset with my cat because while I have been away, she has gone to the bathroom on lots of his important papers. She only does that when she is upset about something. I guess she misses me. We used to have a cocker spaniel named lady, but we had to get her put to sleep a while back. She was a wonderful dog. I am bringing my fish back with me when I go back to Austin tomorrow. That is the only kind of pet we can have in the dorm. I had to sell my horse before I left for college. I had had him for almost three years so it was really hard. I still haven't sold all of my equipment. I can never find enough time to go out to the barn and get it taken care of. Princess Diana died in a car accident this morning. I really didn't think that all of that royal family stuff mattered to me, but I guess after hearing so much about her life in the last couple of years, we all feel like we have some connection with her. Anyway, I think it is really really sad. I especially feel so bad for her children. I was watching 60 Minutes on TV a little while ago and they showed a clip of the two boys on a fishing trip with their father. My brothers and I used to fish a lot with the family too. It is weird to think that my brothers are getting so old. One of them is 22 and the other one is almost 26. That is hard to believe. I just turned 18 on Friday. It was sort of nice to come home for my birthday where people actually care that it is my birthday. I am also glad I came home because that way, I can be sure that I keep in touch with my friends who are still in high school. I want to go to the homecoming football game at my high school. I am already getting excited about my ten year high school reunion. I think it will be so cool to see how much people have changed. I went to Camp Texas at the end of the summer and a girl that was in my group lived near where I used to live in Houston. She told me that a girl I used to know in elementary and middle school was killed by some guy. It was so shocking and really sad. I mean, I didn't know the girl really well and it had been many years since I had seen her, but it still made me think about how things like that really can happen to anyone. My roommate at Towers is really cool. I am glad we get along. I was worried I might get some freak. I can just imagine that if I had to request a change of roommates how acquired that would be to see the old roommate around campus knowing that you had ditched them. Twenty minutes of writing is a lot longer than I thought it would be. I think I still have a few minutes left. I think we have some raccoons living under our house because you can hear them sometimes scurrying around. Sometimes they are really, really loud. We used to have a mouse in our house so we had the exterminator put out one of those little sticky trap things. Well, it caught the mouse, but then my cat tried to get the mouse so she ended up getting the trap stuck to her paw. It was in the middle of the night and I heard her running around the house like a freak. Finally I got up to see what was wrong and I took the trap off of her. The mouse appeared to be dead so I put it in a baggy but when I got up in the morning, I found out it was still alive so I tried putting it outside but it was too stunned to move so I put it in a little cage until it recovered its senses. It finally got better so I let it go. I had to let it go far away from my house though because my mom was afraid it would come back in. My cat got lost for eleven days once when we lived in Houston. It was so sad. I cried everyday until we finally found her again. I think my twenty minutes is up now.

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This computer lab is scary. I think that at any moment I will mess everything up. This is so weird, writing homework out on a Saturday night. What else can I say? I'm seriously scared that college is not going to turn out how I want it to. Oh well. I'm so tired. There are two girls next to me that are talking just way to loud and it is hard to concentrate on typing. I wish that they would be quiet. Oh Well! Anyway, I really can't think of anything else to type. Man, I wish those girls would talk a little bit more quietly, it is starting to get on my nerves. Some people can be seriously rude. Last night I met the most interesting people. I went to a party at my sister's house and it was okay. At the end of the party there were these guys that live next door to her that got into a fight and called the police on each other. When they got there, the police asked us if we knew anything about a gun. I really don't know what went down with those guys and I really don't care. Those girls are really loud and they are majorly getting on my nerves. Now two other girls on the other side of me are talking really loud about some guy they e-mailed an embarrassing message to. I don't understand why people talk so loud do they think that everyone else cares what they are talking about? I am really getting pissed now!!!! Why are these people talking so loud in the computer lab? I'm getting cold. I wish that the people next to me would shut up. Yeah they did now for a few seconds I can concentrate. I have to clean my dorm room tomorrow. So much fun!!!! I'm thinking about joining a Christian sorority. Hopefully it will be lots of fun. I'm supposed to go to a meeting about it with my friend Leona. Man, I have to remember to find an article for my E306 class for my first writing assignment. I have no idea what I am going to write about. Maybe tomorrow I will find an interesting article in the newspaper. Just five more minutes to go. There they go again, talking so loud, it is seriously distracting and annoying. Don't those girls know that you're supposed to be quiet in the library. I wonder what I'm going to do later on tonight? I think I'm going to watch a movie or talk to my parents on the phone. College is so scary. I'm homesick a lot, but I've been getting better each day that I've been here. I really love Austin but I'm just ready to go home also. I miss my friends Laura, Mike, Bruce and Jimmy. I need to remember to go get my film developed so I can see them. I had so much fun the night before I left to go to college. I'm really looking forward to Monday since there won't be any classes. Well, I think I'm ready to go to sleep. I need to remember to call my mom and ask her to send me some stamps. This is getting boring. I wonder what Mike and Laura are doing tonight. I wonder if they're kicking back without me in San Benito. I miss my best friend Laura, because we always could talk about things without saying much of anything. Well, I'm tired of typing and it has been 20 minutes so I'm going to stop.

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My head hurts so bad right now, why. I need more tea, I'm thirsty. what do I have to do tomorrow. bio. lab, lots of reading. that sucks, I wonder how many pages I actually have to read, like 4 chapters. ew. I need to turn in this form to the health office, actually I'm not sure where I need to turn it into, I should call Alexis and find out. I wish I had frozen yogurt right now. I need a job. where are my roommates are. my head hurts so bad right now. I need to get one of those egg crate things for my bed, I think that'll help my back, I'm so tired, I need to take a nap. I need to do homework. I should call my mom later and tell her about the stress causes immune suppression thing, what's my brother is doing. I should call my dad too, I haven't talked to him like four weeks. I need to send him the letter I wrote. wow, my head really hurts. I should call Lora and see if she is going to be in College Station this weekend. I wonder why her and her boyfriend broke up, he is a jerk, oh well. I need to call Ashley and tell her to buy me a gift for Jena's birthday this weekend. I wish it was my birthday, I need a vacation already. how many tests I have next week. Adam's coming next week, what time does his flight come in, I should call him tonight and find out. what time does he get off work, I need to find a nice place for us to eat, what's on sixth street, I should call Ashely she had know. I need to clean my room before friday. yesterday was grandparents day I think, I need to call my grandma. I want to go to New York for the winter break. I'm so tired right now. Sept. 11 is this week, wow, that is like two years, goodness. wow. I need to go to the grocery store. oh yay, Amy's home. this should be fun, except not at all, I wonder if she is driving to class tomorrow, I should get a ride, I hate riding the bus. I hate standing up on the bus. I think it should be a rule that if you're a boy you have to stand up for girls on the bus. my first class is at 10 in the morning. I have so much to read. did I take my medicine this morning. I think. I can't believe how much I forget lately, I need to get that checked out. Sarah's team is playing us in a volleyball tournament this weekend, I should call her and see what time so I can go watch, Staci is coming in this weekend. oh, that's going to be so much fun. we should go downtown. I need money. I need a job, I wonder if I can get a job here at the apartment complex, I bet that'd lower my rent. all of a sudden I stopped capitalizing my I's . I think it makes me type faster. that's neat, I love my smell-good candle, my head hurts, how long does advil take to work, I need to go check my mail . when's our electric bill due? I'm hungry, what did I eat today. I need to buy more milk and sweet n low. I'm not going to the grocery store till sunday, oh, I have to get my film developed before monday, I should take it to one hour photo, at the grocery store. I wonder what Alexis is doing, I should go chill with her instead of reading for bio. discussion. I need to clean my room and do laundry before this weekend, oh my stomach hurts too. I wonder if I took my ulcer medicine this morning, I need to get my prescription filled. I have to go register to vote in Austin this week, or next week maybe. oh my gosh my head is killing me this sucks. oh my 20 minutes are up.

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Ever since this assignment was introduced in class, I've been trying to think about what to write (which totally defeats the purpose of the assignment). It's just that when I sit down at the computer to type something, I usually have a plan or goal in mind, whether it is to write a report about something or type an email to a friend. Never have I just had to sit at a computer and type whatever comes to my mind. I guess that makes me a bit boring in a way because I find it so hard to express myself at times. The other day when you were talking about obsessivecompulsive people, my roommate turned to me and said, "That's you!" I guess I had never really thought about that label applying to me. But once you started listing examples, I had an epiphany. I guess I am obsessivecompulsive in some ways. I like everything neat, clean, and orderly. I can't stand having a dirty living space. I mean, how can you sleep and use the bathroom in a dirty environment? For me, it's just not possible. Plus, I think it's important to be neat and clean because that's the first thing people see when they walk into your room, and how you maintain your room really tells a lot about your personality. I like to make good first impressions and the way I maintain my room is a way of achieving that. I think I get a lot of this from my mother because she's really picky about the way she likes to do things. I remember one time I started doing the dinner dishes for her while she was outside in the backyard and when she came in, she pretty much kicked me out of the kitchen because I wasn't washing the dishes "the right way. " Of course I can't really complain because I do a lot of that too. I understand that everyone has their own way of doing things, but I just like to do things my way because I see the logic in it. A lot of my friends think I'm a freak for being so neat, clean, and organized, but if I wasn't, I can't even imagine what my life would be like. Being clean and organized is what brings stability into my life. It is something that will never change. I guess I shouldn't say that because every time I say I will never do something, I end up doing it later on. For example, when I was younger, I told my older sister I would never wear lipstick or any other makeup and now if you look in my purse, you will see powder, two shades of lipstick, and lipliner. So I guess that's why I should never say never. I have so much to do today. I probably should have done it yesterday instead of sleeping and watching television all day. Of course I had fun doing crossword puzzles and playing Jeopardy online with my boyfriend. I've always loved playing intellectual games. It makes me feel great when I can answer a question or figure out a word on a puzzle because people are really smarter than they think. Sometimes you think you don't remember anything from a class you took sophomore or junior year in high school, but then it pops up in a Jeopardy question and you know the answer to it. It amazes me the things I remember from some of my classes in high school. And sometimes, that information came from classes that I thought were totally useless at that time. Now, I realize that there's no such thing as useless information (except for maybe Calculus when you're studying to be a Communications major).

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I am wondering whether or not I should try out for the dance team. In away I want to so I will have something to be a part of but at the same time I'm fearing the inevitable rejection. Rather than be rejected I'm just not going to try but then I'll always wonder whether or not I could have made it if I had tried. If I do try out and then I fail everybody will know that I FAILED AND I'll be embarrassed. I risked failure when I pledged but I did it anyway. My neighbor failed and I didn't think any less of her so why should I think any less of myself. I'll look fat in the leotard and tights, but one reason I want to do it is so I'll stay in shape. Everything is too competitive. I wonder what my cats doing since when you gave this assignment you mentioned a dos so I started to think about my cat. Then the picture frame I got today since I have a picture of my cat but I have to get another frame for my cat picture. My entire room is decorated in cat things. I found a gecko in my room today. There not have as big as the lizards we used to find in the house when I lived in Arizona. they used to be at least a foot long. I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow I have reading to do in the morning. I can't help but put in capital letters at the beginning of sentences and periods. My mom wanted me to copy this and run spell check, how stupid. that what you get for having an English teacher for a mother. I want to get a calendar to put up all my things. I’m scared to death I'll miss something like a homework assignment or test. I wonder if I need to be studying more often. It seems like I'm not doing enough. I don't know what I'll do if I fail. I hope I'm doing this write. It seems like the paper is just going on and on and on. I seem to worry about failure alot. I hate typing, I never memorized where the keys were so I keep goofing. My parents always told me to take typing but I was too lazy and afraid I was going to not get an A. I wonder how my sister got involved, society of women engineers. I say a bent today on the way to class. The other graduate students are coming on the 19 here. I bet it would be easier if I didn't repeat to myself what I was typing I need to go by the Newman center to meet n9ice boys. Why bother I never going to get married I probably not even going to get good grades and I'll never get in to med school and I'm going to flunk out. God I hope not or I'll end up as a house wife not that that's bad but I always wanted a career and my sisters so successful. My parents would be so disappointed. Now I'm starting to sound negative like that survey said but I was much more optimistic in the survey I wonder if those ever prove anything or if people really lie to themselves when they're doing those even though they think they're being realistic this girl beside me took forever doing the survey. How much time do I have left? IS anybody even ever going to read this? Probably that was why it was done on the internet that reminds me of the guy I sat next to in Chem. I hope he doesn't think that I was offended by his remark it doesn't bother me I'm used to it with Adam and all. I feel like I've typed forever and it looks like nothing on this sheet the way it goes to infinity on the right. I keep on thinking about what to type instead of just typing what I'm think I just its just a habit from writing so many in class essays and such I'm so happy I passed the AP that way I don't have to take any English classes and I showed Mr. Cody and my mother I wonder what Patrick's doing. He got a 5. The girl at dinner the other night was so stupid she thought she got a 560 and the SAT's and the AP's were the same thing that's why I'm not a pom that and the fact I'm not talented enough since I spent a lot of high school studying instead of dancing or anything else. I can't imagine having three hours of practice a day. I guess I had as much with games and all but it seems like a lot less. I had a ton of fun at games though and wouldn't have given it up for it now. That's how I tell whether or not it was worth it if I would trade it for something else now not that I could go back and repeat it so I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

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I tried to get onto your pretest experimental thing and it didn't let me on that's very bad for m e since I will have to waste more damn time tomorrow doing it I heard it takes a long time to do. This whole college thing is really starting to scare me I missed my Si session today for Rtf and let myself down. I f you want to make an impression on these people you have to grab them by the balls with a 4. 0 average. How am I going to do that when I have already missed one of the damn Si's I'm telling you I better get my act What am I even doing here I need to get my mind on other things like movies why aren't your thoughts ever on movies they're always on what to do to impress the next person . Just get ahead of thy game early and you'll do fine God I hope I get a $. 0. $. 0 the way to go. I don't want grad school though California Vivian Yeah that's where I'm going to be in a while no matter what. I have it the right stuff. Ed Harris. Good movie. Remember what the guy at Northwestern said The Right Stuff had god use of parallel editing. where you edit two frames together that are similar in how the shot is set so as not to disrupt the audience's attention. What is the audience's attention . Movies. this paper what am I rambling about I wonder if the proff will read this Jesus you type like a gorilla . Sigourney Weaver Gorillas in the Mist about some ape lady Aldrich something. Ironic that was in our psychology book. ironic but not funny just ironic sue me I took a pause to see how much time I had left this is all anyway what is it supposed to prove that our mind wanders is it supposed to give us some great insight into how we think rrAAh. it is pretty fun and it will be interesting to read over this am I supposed to wow I'm a slow typist that sucks. What was it sophomore year that I got a B in keyboarding yeah I told Chad Crady about Stephanie McKinnon and we always used to fight each other in class and he'd pretend that I was beating him up why are you and all of these people so concerned about each other especially women is it just to procreate that we are interested in women or is it like Psychology. professor says that there can be different views on the whole thing. Of course dumb question there can be different views on every thing but which is the right one? time up

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This is the second paper I have written like this because somehow the other one disappeared right when I was trying to push the Finish button. It seems like my life is always going the wrong way or I have bad luck such as this for most of the time. I did just get through working out with my Tae-bo tape. After completing that I always feel 100% better about myself and problems. I guess you could say that is how I deal with all of my stress,even though my life is not all that bad. Whenever someone thinks their life is terrible I always think about those children that you see on television that are starving or sick. I don't know why but I whenever I see a homeless person on the street I immediately feel sorry for them but then I start to think about why they don't have a job or are not in a shelter. My mind goes back and fourth like that a lot. Austin has a lot of homeless and I am so not used to that atmosphere, that is partly why I don't like living here. And because my boyfriend wants me to come back closer to where he lives which is Dallas, where I live as well. I chose Austin and UT because a lot of people told me that I should not go here, including my boyfriend. That just made me want to come even more though, dispite the fact that I could tell at orientation that I was not going to like it. My boyfriend is very important to me though because I have dated him for 4 years and we have a really special relationship. I can tell just by looking at him exactly what he is thinking about. I have never really had that with anyone before and he always tells me that he loves me. I find this kind of annoying because in my family I don't think that my mom or dad have ever told me those three words. My grandmother has but I used to just say it not even thinking about what it really meant. I guess that is why whenever he tells me that repeatably it starts to get on my nerves. Hopefully I don't have love issues or something of that nature because don't get me wrong I truly know that my parents love me but they just never told me. I have had a good life so I really don't need to complain about small things. I am in a very difficult spot in my life, college is a lot harder than most people say. I mean I expected the classes to be difficult and challenging but not the living on your own part. I was always so ready to get away from my house and away from the town that I lived in. Now I am not so sure about this because I don't really like Austin. I believe that I would have been better at a smaller school but I never really thought about those issues when I was selecting a college. I was too busy talking to or seeing my boyfriend or worrying about stupid high school bull that goes on everyday. I should have not cared where my best friend went to school, even though she was supposed to come here with me and then suddenly changed her mind without telling me. I am not resentful or anything but I feel that it is partly her fault, no it's not it is all my fault. I am the one who chose my future and now I want to change those plans. I guess I should be greatful that my roommate is not some freak with earrings and tattoos all over her body. I always think that things can always get worse and if you're lucky they sometimes get better. At least I did not get stuck in the same room as my suite mates because they are kind of snobbish. For instance, if I see them outside of our dorm then I have to say hi and if I don't they pretend they don't know me. I don't understand why people are like that but who am I to make a judgement, for all I know they are really sincere and nice people. I talk about people way too much but if you do it for so long it just comes natural and you can't stop. My room is actually really comfortable right now, usually it is either way hot or real cold.

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He'll never live that down I'm glad I finally got to this website so I can get these essays over with, I still have to write the other one before Friday--I can't wait till homecoming, Natalie is such a sweet girl--I wonder what color her dress will be? Who else will I know there? Is it wrong that I'm going back home after just being there this weekend? I had so much fun with Natalie but I'm very upset with Brooks. I just have to forget about him and continue reminding myself that he's a jerk and Natalie doesn't like him how could she ever like such a loser he can't get along with anybody and he brags all the time. If I ever get like that I hope someone tells me and I hope I listen to them. Wow, this is really neat- it's like getting all my feelings out and it's really relieving some stress. Can I swear, I'd better not, I don't want to get in trouble--this is college you don't get in trouble--Tomorrow is my birthday! actually my birthday is in less than an hour--18 years old means I can buy cigarettes, dirty magazines, get into clubs, get into bars--of course, I would never do any of that stuff--only perverts get dirty magazines and I hate smoking--It would be cool to go to a club sometimes but most of the girls you meet there are pretty easy---I like Natalie so much--I was going to be really upset if she didn't ask me to homecoming--Even though I'm at college and surrounded by a bunch of really cute girls, I would rather be talking to Natalie than any of them. This was the first time we actually spent multiple days in a row with each other. her mom is so old-fashioned--"you saw David yesterday so you don't have to see him again for a long time" Well we went to a football game Saturday, Chili's on Sunday, and bowling on Monday I bowled so well 156--that's like the highest I've gotten in 2 years--she's just good luck I guess I'm so lucky to have supportive, caring parents they have taught me that school comes first so it is not really that hard for me to be away from home and I don't have too much trouble getting myself to do homework. that stupid lab stuff is due tomorrow. no maybe it's due Friday I wish I didn't have to take ch 204 it looks like it's going to be the class to give me the most homework I heard it was a weed-out course for Chem E I don't really feel that much stress right now--I should be really scared about not making it as a chemical engineer because my dad, uncle, and sister are all chem e's but I know I can do it and I know the only way I won't make it is if I don't study I can't wait to be 18 I can finally get a credit card-- if I get a credit card will I spend more money? I doubt it I have check cards and they're the same thing I've got to stop eating out so often dad is paying for all my meals at doby and if I'm too lazy to walk over there it's my own fault ---lazy--am I gaining weight? the freshman 15--would Natalie still like me if I were fat? I don't think I'll get fat--I can always diet I lost 20 pounds just 2 years ago boy I hope my parents buy a smaller house so they can get me a car I wonder if they'd ever get me a camaro probably not "no 2 door cars you can't get groceries in them" how often will I be putting groceries in my car anyway? boy I type pretty fast I could be a court whatever it's called who types what everyone says--that would be such a scary job if you ever got behind how would you ever catch back up again? has it been 20 minute yet I think so

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I just came back to my dorm from Hobby Lobby. I went there with my friends Lauren and Rachel to get crafts and other supplies for our Nothing Books. Nothing Books are like scrapbooks, and we have to make them for our sorority, Alpha Epsilon Phi. I think it's a really cute way of making sure we remember our pledge term. Rush week was maybe the most hectic week of my entire life. First of all, we got to Austin on move-in day, and we spent all day, I mean all day long moving into University Towers. It was crazy! We took a break to eat lunch, but the day was insane. Everyone moving in with their boxes and crates, and the move-in equipment that was supplied was hardly efficient. So that night, we started rush, after all that mess. I was so tired and worn out, I could barely walk to the meeting. The rest of that night is kind of a blur; I think I came back to Towers after the meeting and went straight to bed. The rest of the week we had to dress up. The events got more and more dressy each day, and I could swear that the weather got hotter and hotter each day. I think I probably sweat more in those 5 days than I ever have. ever! It was honestly just gross. Really, the whole process of Sorority Rush at this university is ridiculous. I guess I am being a hypocrite, but when you think about it, some sororities will cut you without even getting to know you at all. You think they like you, and they're cheering in your face like they love you, saying all kinds of things, like we hope to see you tomorrow , and the next thing you know, they've cut you. I guess I am making it sound like it's an awful experience, when in reality it really wasn't so bad. There were some very entertaining events during rush. My favorite was probably Skit Night, where we were allowed to go back to a maximum of five houses, and at each house they performed their own unique skit to try to get us to come back to their house the next night for Pref Night. Pref Night was probably the most emotional night of the whole week. All of the seniors in the sororities were crying, either because they were excited to get new members the next day, or because they were sad to be leaving. It could have been a combination of both. Immediately after we went to our last three houses that night, we were on complete silence . We could not speak to anyone, not our friends, our families, not even people that weren't rushing. It was supposed to be our chance to think about the entire week and to make a decision based on only our personal feelings as to which sorority we wanted to be in. We went back to our group meeting areas for the last time, and we ranked our choices. It was not very hard for me, because I pretty much knew which one I wanted to be in. However, there were tons of girls crying that night, torn over what they should do. I am just glad I was not in that position. That next day was Bid Day, where everyone found out what sorority they actually got into. There was even more crying that day. All around me, girls were screaming and crying, because some of them hadn't gotten into their first choice sorority, and some were just so happy with their bids that they couldn't contain themselves I guess. It was crazy! I was very happy, and when I got out of the building and saw that all of my friends had also been put into my sorority, I was even more ecstatic. Our pledge class is made up of 62 diverse girls who each contribute something different to the sorority. I know I am going to love being in Alpha Epsilon Phi. What I don't know is how I am ever going to balance being in a sorority, making good grades in my Communications, Chemistry, Psychology, and Hebrew classes, and partying at this extremely social school. Not to say that I am a real party girl, but I like to go to all the events, and it gets very difficult to stay on track with everything coming at you from different directions all at once. I am glad that I live at Towers with almost all of my friends, because it gives me a chance to not only be with all of them, but also to meet new people. I didn't know my roommate before I came here, and I have met so many people on my hall, or at different sorority and fraternity parties. I like everyone I meet, but I guess at a school with 50,000 students you can't go wrong. I know I made the right choice by going to the University of Texas at Austin. It has everything I could want in a college and more. I love it here!! And I especially love my styrofoam orange longhorn ears that I got at the co-op when I was visiting during orientation.

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I work at a daycare in the mornings on Teusday and Thursday before class and friday after class. During the day I am in my classes and at night I have meetings or readings to do. I am sytressing out right now, and I am trying to not think about how much I need to do. Each time I finish with one task I feel a little better but after a few minutes I get stressed out again. I can not wait for the labor day weekend though, because I am going to spend some of time catching up with all of my readings and some of my time just relaxing. I think after Labor day I will be relaxed and I will not be so stressed out with all of my work. I like my job in the mornings on Teusday and Thursday, I work at a daycare for infants. I work with the two months to two years, from eight in the morning until twelve-thirty in the afternoon. I like working with that age of children, because they are so trusting. They are away from their parents, but they still are so relaxed and trusting with all of the teachers at the daycare. I feel dumb writting this, because I have so much going through my mind but I can't write it all down, because most of it is the same thing over and over. Wondering how I am going to finish all of my homework and go to work and go to my meetings. I geuss for the most part I am just stressing out because it is the begining of the semester, and my goal for this semester is to make at least a 3. 75. I feel that if I get behind at the begining of the semester, I will never be able to catch up, and I will not reach my GPA goal. I am a very opptimistic person though, so I know that if I keep up with my work I will be able to reach my goal, and maybe even get higher. Another thing though is that I should be a junior in years, but I am nine hours short, so over next semester and the summer I have to catch up, so that I can graduate on time. I am not worried about that, I am more concerned with my grades, because I know that I can catch up in summer, and next semester. I feel a little bit better no that I have almost completed this assignment, so that is a little off my head that I do not have to worry about. Now all I have to do is read 300 pages for three more of my classes, and do the pretesting, although it won't let me on right now. maybe when I am done with this assignment I can get connected to the pretesting, but if not I will have to wait for tomorrow to do that, because right now I have to go buy some more books. Then I have to go eat, because I have not eaten all day and after I eat, I have to go read about Russian ecconomics. After that it will be time for class and then I have the pre-law fraternity meeting tonight. After the metting I am going to go home and go to sleep right away, because I have been up since six in the morning and I am tierd now, and I still have laods to do. So I am done with this for now, I have to get started on the rest of my schedule.

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29

Wheres my bank literature. I don't know? I need to call Stefani. I wonder if she cheated one me. I think she did, oh well, in some ways, but I love her. This paper is orange; it looks cool. My dad is here, he's been drinking. We went to hooters. The girls there were completely the finest creature walking on the face of the earth lol. I had so much fun last night. I went to keg Thursday at our pool, then to a party. I met Dawn, we went to a sorority crush party on sixth street at the Soho club. It was so wild, I met sooo many girls, hell girls were all over me it was the greatest thing in the world. I kissed a lot of girls, may have gotten a possible girlfriend, the phone just rang, it was bridgette, she lives in illinois. My dad is watching the drew carey show and setting on my bed drinking on of my beers! he better by me more. Stefani. I love her, but I don't know if I want that to be apart of my life because it brings much stress, bush is a dumbass, now I'm talking to my dad at the same time. Gore was on letterman doing the top ten list. But if I go the other route and try my luck in relationship out with either karen or kareth I have a feeling my life is going to be much better now but maybe not in the future. So I'm torn between love and having a possibly better present life. What do I do???? Oh well, now I'm thinking of this assignment. This just might be the best or most fun assignment I have ever done. It says, you can be yourself, my psychology class is my most favorite class. Its really the only one that actually interests me. I missed class though the other day because our water was cut off and I hadn't taken a shower; that's the second time the water has been cut off here at melrose. It throws such a big dagger into any plans you have. You don't realize how water is such a big part of your life until its taken away. and it almost leaves you not being able to function. I have eight more minutes left. I wonder how much everyone else typed. I figure for some reason I might be typing less who knows. Oh well its not like it has to be a certain length or anything. And plus I can't exactly type as fast as I think. I need help in calculus, I have done really bad on my first two quizzes and am going to look into getting a tutor next week. and before I leave this evening I NEED to sign up for some outlook thingy for email in the business school about setting up a bus account. The girl I set with in class is really pretty, my dad just turned up the tv and is watching a sports show. Wow my stream of conscious is jumping around to everything I didn't realize I thought this much, but this even isn't the half of it because I'm thinking so much more than I can type. I met a UT football player last night, he was really cool. I miss playing football. I'm going to UMHB tonight to party with a few of my friends back from high school. I'm going home this weekend for the first time since I've been here. My clothes are washing. I wish my dad would turn the tv down. I have so many girls phone numbers all over the place from girls, I should really think about organizing that stuff or I'm going to loss them. I hate people who do drugs, so many people don't know how too party right and when enough is enough. Oh did I mention lol I love girls hehe. Wow, they are awesome!. I love to dance, Troy Aikman isn't going to play this week. I set my time on my clock, since the power went out this morning. I use CNN's time by which to set mine. I like watching comedy central, we didn't have it back at home. My computer messed up yesterday. and with that I'm spent! :)

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30

I'm really tired of studying. I hope this doesn't take long. Man I want some water. Will this thing know if I leave? I sure wish Ashley would call. I miss her so much. Or maybe I want Sherri to call. Or Missy. Or Shawne. Who do I want to call? Too many girls, this school is going to get me into trouble. I hope I get all my homework done tonight. So I can have a social life this weekend. It would be nice to relax for once. Not have to carry a book everywhere. I felt so stupid reading at the football game at halftime. But we have so much work. I'm just not used to this. I'll get it done, I have to. I need to get a 4. 0 this year. So I can get into that damn business school. Why does it have to be so hard? I see stupid people all the time who are business majors. I'm smart, why can't they let me in? Jesus, its only been five and half minutes? This is going to take forever. Lets see what other h. w I have. Summary of the readings, due tomorrow. Catch up on chapters in Art History. Take a nap. yea right. I wish I knew what sleep was. And I have to go see Missy tonight. Hopefully that is a cool symbol. I wonder who is going to read this? I'm sorry your having to read this. We must be very boring people. I hope you get what your looking for. I sure wish I was in your position, then I wouldn't have to sturdy so damn much for this class. I don't understand DR. Pennebaker at all. I enjoy listening, but as I write, I fail to comprehend. And as I comprehend, I fail to write it down. Which is more important? And the text book. Ohh My God. The most interesting part, was the story about the black guy getting shot by the cops on page 1. At least it had a little drama. Like on TV. Damn I wonder what is on TV right now. 6:30. I don't have a clue. Not used to the channels down here yet. And ohhh wait, I wouldn't have time to watch TV anyway, with all the work. Damn, I'm thirsty. I wonder where David is. I almost killed him for setting off that alarm on his truck in the middle of the night. Well not really, but I was upset. I need my sleep. I don't have time to be jumping out of bed, to see why there are blaring horns. I need to learn how to spell. I'm retarded. I need sleep. Damn A Nap Sounds Good. 5 more minutes until Nap time. yea right. 5 more minutes until I read some more. Why has no one called me. I know Sherri won't call. God forbid you call your ex boyfriend back. What we can't be friends? I miss her so much too. Ashley is perfect. but sherri was perfect for me. No one treated me better then her. Too bad she is 4 hours away. but worth the drive. At least its not 5 states like Ashley. Won't be seeing her any time soon. I want to go see her so bad though. I know she needs me to be there for her. She is so fragile right now. Sherri will be ok. But I really need her to be there for me. Or maybe I just need someone to be there. I can't stand this being alone. Girls only want one thing here. to not have a boyfriend. Just have fun, 24-7. I miss having a real girlfriend. Sherri made me so happy. I want that so bad. Ashley can't be that for me unless I move. I got to figure this shit out. damn did I write all this. I have issues. whooaaa hoooaaaa. I wonder if there are any parties this weekend. I wish I could go. But Ill probably just hear about them next week. Ohh well, Back to studying. Bye Bye reader. Until Next Time I love that symbol.

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11

This is beyond weird! I never thought that college could be so exciting and scary at the same time. It is so weird how my thoughts have progressed through these two weeks of college. I never thought that things would be this independent. I am finally away from my mother and father who always told me what to do since I was a tiny little ballerina princess. No more telling me what to do or when to get back. And yet the weirdest thing about all this is the fact that I feel no urge to go out and party on sixth street. I guess all that time my parents were telling me what to do and when, was all taken into consideration when I moved up here. In changing the subject, I just came down with a throat infection and it is the worst ever. I told my parents that I had to get my tonsils taken out a long time ago but they never listened to me. It is not fair. I had the worst night's sleep last night and to top it all off, I have to catch up on all my class readings which means no catching up on sleep. I am such an observer when it comes to just walking down the street or on my way to classes. It is so funny how people I know act in a bizarre way around others compared to how they act in front of me. The other day I caught myself looking at a little boy no older than seven years old, and he caught my eye because he was on top of his dad's shoulders doing the "hook 'em horns" sign with his tiny little fingers. It was the cutest thing because it reminded me of when I used to get on top of my father's shoulders and do the exact same thing. In a blink of an eye though, it all seems but a distant memory. It is so weird how I always dreamed of going off away from my Rio Grande Valley life and coming to live my life far away from all the kind of people I could not stand. Do not get me wrong, I loved my family and "real" friends, but there was just something about that town and how everything ran on the game of politics. It was all about what kind of car you drove, where your family came from, how they were connected to some of the richest people in town, and so on. It all meant nothing to me in the end because the way I saw it was soon I was getting out of there with some place to go where people did not care about things like that. I accomplished everything I wanted in high school. The highlights were getting head drum major two years in a row and winning homecoming queen and getting to conduct in my white gown in front of my band, my family, and in front of everyone in Weslaco! It was an awesome day. The best days were when we would attempt to study for an extremely hard economics test by going over to someone's house and actually doing no studying at all. Those were the best because even though we saw each other in class, it was just on a 'hi' and 'bye' basis. When we got together, we would get each other caught up on the latest gossip and laugh about the stupidest things all the way into the night. Somehow, we all managed to pass the test the next day and we all felt better knowing that we had connected the previous night. Talking about people in our school was the main thing because our school was made up of all kinds of want tobe's, gangsters, stupid people who actually fooled everyone into thinking they were smart, and so on. Unless you were in band or on a varsity team, the people you hung out with were not at all your friends. It was the best feeling knowing that so many friends were there at band practice everyday and tennis as well. I would have to say the only thing really excellent about my old school were the faculty. My band directors were my closest friends and still are to this day as well as my tennis coaches. They always went above and beyond the call of duty to try and help with whatever I needed. Now that I am gone, I guess it is time for them to help raise another bunch of good students and friends. I feel really good leaving that small town, not knowing what to expect out here in Austin. My morals and ideas my parents, friends, and teachers taught me through the years will always remain a part of me no matter where I go!

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14

I feel a bit stressed due to the fact that my first three tests are all next week. What will they be like? Will I do well? Or, will I enter the large classroom, with a crowd of students all cramming in the information for those last final moments before the test and freeze after spending countless hours preparing. The new environment is wonderful, however many changes come along with it. The first test of the year, the first test at college. Each exam seems to have much more bearing upon your grades than in the past. Some thoughts about how I'm going to go about studying have crossed my mind over the past few days. These hours have most likely been wasted, as I could have been studying or reading material which will be covered on my tests. However, this is not quite the way I always function. I often tend to spend too much time worrying about how I will go about doing something, rather than just doing it. Anyway, I spent a couple of hours studying today and I have figured out what time of each of my days between now and Wednesday, and how each precious moment will be spent. I'm sure it will all work out, but until these first three tests are finished, I know that some time will be spent worrying about how the final result turn out. Those are just some thoughts about school which are probably quite typical of a freshman. It's strange to come from the top, back down to a little freshman. It appears that quite a few people have decreased their level of maturity back down to a freshman in high school. A girl I know walked back into her room last night to find her pictures colored on and holes punched in her eyes. Seems a bit disturbing, doesn't it? There's always the issue of talking to a boy and everyone assuming that your "going steady. " It's difficult to even go to someone's room of the opposite sex without everyone assuming that you must have been doing something rather than talking. I guess everything, with time will pass. I'm really enjoying the transition, for the most part. It's strange to not see some of my best friends, but this is all part of growing up (Not to sound hokey). So far, it's been lots of fun and a time of many changes. I'm eager to see what lies in the future and continue to make new friends.

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11

Usually when you know that you have to do something, you usually think about that something, you usually think about that something and wonder, "How am I going to do it? Where do I start? Where do I finish? How do I know that I am doing it right?" This is my situation exactly with this writing assignment. Its the middle of the week and the weekend is almost here. I can't wait till Saturday because I will attend the first UT football game this season, which I might add, will be my first time to attend one. The weeks go by so slow in the fall semester compared to when I was up here for summer school. Its a real drag. I'm always so tired I hate it. Labor day is this weekend, really looking forward to the four day weekend and getting some time to rest. Maybe I'll go visit Brett (an El Paso friend) at the hidious A & M, College Station, the drive is a drag though. The road trip that me and Lianne went on last weekend to go visit up there was sort of fun, but people down there are really rude and it just bugs the hell out of me. All they're concerned about is putting UT down or "TU" as they call us since we're not "THE" University of Texas but "A" Texas University! Isn't it stupid. Still admit I'm upset about them breaking the horns of my longhorn emblem on my car. Its sad how immaturity can get the best of people. They do have a lot of school spirit. Makes me wish that I was into that stuff. Who knows, maybe when all the football games start. I want to see how crazy us Longhorns really get. I can't wait till softball games start, I want to see all their home games to see what it takes to be on the team!! Hopefully next year, after a lot of hard work and practice to get back into it, I will be ready to try out. I'm really discouraged about trying out this year, I know I'm not ready. My family's encouragement helps but I don't want to make a fool out of myself. I can just imagine being out on the field suited out in a UT uniform. How amazing. That is my goal!! If I can be one of the best players in my city, why wouldn't I have a shot on the team. I just think that I lack a lot of skill to be playing at the university level. It may be outstanding for high school, but college ball is a totally different game. I love being away from home to go to school, there is so much more freedom. Don't have to be home at a certain time, don't have to check in. I love it. There are a lot more responsibilities though, but I'm picking up on the time management. The Incubus concert is coming up and I'm (since yesterday) going. I've only heard a few songs by them so I can't say that I'm an "all out" fan of theirs. But hey I'm open to the experience, it's going to be my first real concert. I should really save my money, but hey, why not just do it. Its worth the experience.

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14

I don't really know how to start this but I guess it really doesn’t matter Computers are so frustrating. I wish I knew more about them. Its 5:25 now so I need to write until hmmmm 5:45. That’s not to bad. I wonder what that guy keeps laughing about, It must be some really fun assignment or maybe he’s on email with some girl or something. He pretty cute, kind of looks like the guy on The Princess Bride. I love that movie , haven’t seen it in a while. This assignment is kind of hard because I cant type as fast as I think. Oh, this is how this thing works. Kind of annoying You cant even see what your writing! How dumb. I wonder what Heather is writing I hope my email got to Ryan and Jeremy. That would stink if it didn’t. What time is it anyway? 5:35 10 more minutes. There sure is alot of people here for a Friday afternoon. I wonder if I'll be in here alot doing homework. Probably. I'm kind of tired. I hope gosh I'm hungry. I hope that HOPE is fun tonight. I want to meet some people . I hope David comes I wonder if Trey or Jason called. I bet Trey did for sure. I wish he was more talkative but he's really nice. I bet Heather kind of likes Dave. I wonder if I'm going to be able to get out of this computer without having to have that weird guy help me again. I felt so dumb. I need to do my research requirement soon so I don’t get behind. There's a lot I need to do. That guy is laughing again. I kind of wish I could just laugh back at him. Gosh I'm a really slow typer. I hope I'm doing this right. I wish all my assignments were this easy. I need a floppy disk and oh yeah I need to get those Paradigm notes for Zoology. I bet Leann doesn’t remember to bring me hers. Oh well. She's really nice. I wonder where that girl is from. She has a funny accent. I think I've written for about 20 minutes now so I guess I'll quit even though I don’t have very much typed out . I'm just slow. Besides they didn’t say this had to be a certain length just a 20 min. time frame. I wonder what’s for dinner tonight. I think I'll go find out.

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19

Wow I can't believe I waited this long to write this paper. I was in a shock when I found out that this was due tomorrow. Deadlines motivate me more than ever. I told myself that I was going to do this earlier or on some sleepless night but I guess getting it done is what is most important. I just played some Starcraft with my roommate. I used to play this game with all my friends from school before War Craft III came out for the computer. This game ruined any chances for me to finish my homework. I'd have to say this game was the devil. It made my parents really mad when they would walk into my room and find me playing in the middle of the game. I told them I would shut it off after that game but it was too addicting. My parents somehow figured out that I started a new game and threatened to throw my computer out. This wasn't a very good feeling. Well, anyway, this girl from high school asked me to go to the homecoming dance with her less than 24 hours ago. Somehow, all of my friends managed to find out in that amount of time. This was extremely strange because I didn't tell anybody about this news. I tried asking them where they heard this gossip but they refused to answer my questions. This aggravated me just a little bit because my curiosity was at its peak. A few friends from Houston already know. I mean, what's the big deal. I don't understand why gossip can travel so fast. I guess it is because everyone wants to become involved in other people's lives. I think this knowledge makes them feel superior to others. I find myself talking on instant messenger and the opening statement would be "what's up". The basis of a conversation is what is going on with the other person's life. This type of conversation doesn't really achieve much but it makes you feel like you belong. Figuring gossip about yourself is a strange thing. You never know who's watching and points out the smallest detail to tell another person. I figured my actions didn't speak THAT loud. But any kind of gossip sparks a conversation like no other. It immediately captures the center of attention. I think people should be more concerned about figuring who they are. This is not an easy task. Starting college this year has sure caused a lot of changes. Changes in friendship, responsibility and so on. College is a good way of determining who your real friends are. These are truly hard to find. I knew this girl that had about 3 parties a year. There would be over fifty people over at her house and she seemed to be enjoying their company. But one time at lunch I saw her sitting by herself and she was by herself for a little while today too. It's crazy how things can turn right around like that. Well my hall is being pretty loud right now playing music or what not. My friendship with existing friends have sure been tested and I think that the conversation we had strengthened our relationship. We hardly ever talk about serious matters, so this was refreshing to me. I hang out with a bunch of guys that aren't really open to their feelings. We seem like a bunch where we tell each other everything but we know that we're just buddies. I mean we'll be there for the other person in a heartbeat but no one really knows what the other is thinking, especially about relationships. We'd always give one of the guys a hard time because we found out who he liked or what not. I always thought that we would support them and tell them to do what he felt. But this was never the case. Three out of the four guys go to school here in Austin but the fourth person is in San Antonio. I can tell he really misses the guys from high school and all of his gaming friends. Everyone makes fun of him about his intelligence but I feel obliged to back him up. I know it's all in fun but after a while I think it's just mean. I miss the guy too. I hope he makes it to Austin next year.

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17

Twenty minutes seems like an enormous amount of time. I really don't mind it though at least this assignment isn't as boring as the majority of my other homework. oh, so much homework i don't think i was prepared for such and overwhelming firt week . i thought it would be a little more like lee college. Oh, Lee how i will miss your size and the personal connection i made with people there. In fact that could be one of the most significant places I've ever been. I mean after all that is where I met Ryan. He is so very important to me. Even more so know, being in this big city alone, I need him more than ever. That really worries me, I just thought I was beginning to not need him as much in my life and gaining a little more independance and now here I am falling back into the agonizing rut that was my sad little life for two years. I need a job, I feel badly that I've rejected offers that I've gotten, it makes me feel unappreciative of the little extra cash I could be making. It's just that i don't want to be stuck in some meaningless job that makes me miserable i can't help but want something exciting and interesting. I've been doubting my major choice lately and that is really troubling. I've never done that and it was one of the only things I thought I was sure of in my life. The doubt in that area of my future makes me want to question everything else. I need to just take a step back and calm down and try to enjoy the little things. Remember don't worry about the little stuff, and it'e all little stuff. This is a whole new life for you and an opportunity for you to find out who you are and hopefully grow to like that person. Austin is a growing place for you and the chance to discover new things. This has really turned into a depressing journal entry. Mom is probably going to call again while I'm writing, and God forbide I don't pick up the phone. I really do type quite a bit faster than I used to. It is really cold in here and I need to go running. I need to work on trying to improve myself again. Iwas doing so well for a while there and then I just stopped. I guess I felt satisfied for the moment or just became frustrated with the lack of results I was seeing. I hope Dad starts working on my bike, I would really like to live closer to campus and the take my bike wherever I wanted to go. I really wish he didn't hang out with Samantha and Anne whatever her name is. I don't want to be jealous but I can't help it. He should be jealous. I wonder if that was why I wanted Michael to come and visit, for the simple reason of a childish cry for attention. Most likely, but he's not coming so I won't be giving into that anytime soon. I feel like going home but I won't be able to until the 28th. I never realized how attached i was to that comfort and safety. They were right in wanting me to stay but then again I can't help but feeling maybe I needed to be here in this town at this very period of my life. I wish Emily didn't sllep so much. I don't feel sorry for her and the things that happened to her. I don't think she would have been a very strong person anyway. She needs to try harder, things aren't given to people who don't try.

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10

Well I'm sitting at my computer and I don't really have much to say. For some reason I feel as though my mind is completely blank. My roommate just walked out the door and he is about to get ready for class. I am so tired right now. Last night I was up with no thoughts in my head. I was just not able to sleep for some reason. I really hope that this school year goes good for me. I know it is going to be tough but it will be worth it. I have always dreamt of coming to college and now that I am finally here it still seems like a dream. I guess its just hard to believe that I'm on my own, six hours from home. I miss my old friends and my girlfriend, Laura, I can't wait to see here this weekend. Football season is about to start and I am getting so excited to see my first Longhorn game. My mind just went blank again. no thoughts. I think I just used to many dots between words. My nose itches. I need to use the bathroom, but I still have eleven minutes to go on this assignment, and I don't want to stop now. For some reason it seems as though I have been here typing for a long time but really I haven't even typed much. Maybe I type slow. I'm trying to think of what to type now. It seems so easy. ?Just type what you are thinking at the moment?, maybe I'm trying to hard. The phone is ringing. I guess I'll get it. it is was my mom. Yes, she is going to put money in my bank account. That sounds good to me because I could really use it right now. It looks as though I have barely typed anything. I'm not sure how long this should be or what the instructor expects out of this piece of writing. Man I'm thirsty. I could use a spite or a cold coke. Maybe I'll go get one in a little while, or not cause I need to save money. It's tough not having a job and wanting so much. I'm just used to having money to spend on so much stuff that I don't even need in the first place. Six more minutes and I will be done. It actually seems like a long time, but so far it has gone by pretty quick. I wonder how my dog is doing. I hope my mom is feeding her just as I said, and giving her lots of water. She needs that especially in the hot sun. I can't wait to go home and have her jump on me. No thoughts. still none. I think I'm getting addicted to the dot thing. Two more minutes to go and now my eyes are glued to the clock. Every second seems to go by slower and slower now. I really don't want to drive home this weekend. I wish I could fly, but I'll be alright. I just really don't like driving six hours it gets really boring just sitting there doing nothing but paying attention to the road. Well it's been twenty minutes so I guess I'm done.

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14

I need to learn better time management skills. I'm so glad that I can finally access all those crazy sites and forums in rhetoric. Oh wow! What's up with that teacher? I do feel sorry for her though. I know what's it like not to be able to do all that technical computer stuff. Afterall, I was only on the computer last night for four hours. And I can't believe I allowed myself to sleep for over an hour and a half this morning! But you know what? I figured out that I can get a lot of work done as long as I do it outside of my dorm room. I also figured out why people say silence is golden. (Though personally, I don't mind a little noise every now and then. ) Oh my gosh! I totally found a gift from God today! I was sitting in the study lounge in Jester only to stumble upon a study group for 408k. And it was definitely a blessing to finally get into Teranchi's class. I can't believe Theresa and my new friends are in there. Though the day has seemed slow, that was such a delight. Now I can email Theresa or maybe call up Katherine. (I talked to Katherine today infront of Jesta Pizza and she's taking 408k too. ) I got the phone numbers of two of the girls in the study group and both said they'd be more than welcome to help me with my 408k homework. The only thing I'm not quite sure if it's a plus or not would be the fact that Coco and Rubes are in this new class as well. I'm not sure if I'm at a stage where I could answer questions as I'm trying to learn them myself. And though it sounds kind of bad, I really need to get an 'A' in 408k. Maybe I can review it this weekend and then I might be able to help them next week. Oh wow, next week! I have tests coming out of nowhere! But today was refreshing considering the fact that I'm actually caught up on almost all of my classes. If I can do that in one day. time management here I come! It's pretty pathetic, the little that make you excited. Well once I'm done with this maybe I'll have a better feeling about the rest of my classes because that's one more assignment down. Oh yeah, uh huh! I kind of wish I was a speed reader. I wonder if I'd actually get to party a lot more. Dude, screw the parties me and Henna are going to build a fort. How cool is that? That's just too cool! Oh yeah, we're going to take the pillows from all our friends and were going to throw blankets over them and POW there's your fort. Oh and we're going to watch movies in it too! Oh yeah, people that hear about this one. jealous.

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Right now I am having a weird feeling in the lower part of my stomach. I'm not sure if I just had a bad lunch or if it may be something a little more serious. I'm kind of sad too. I talked to my family earlier and I realized how much I missed being at home. Last night I attempted to meet some new people despite the fact that I am just not the social type so I am kind of down about that too. I hate walking up and down the stairs and stuff here at u. t. I can't stand the heat. I mean I am from the Rio Grande Valley but I never had to walk EVERYWHERE. I hate the food in Jester. I know I wasn't supposed to talk about this until my second assignment, but right now college controls most of what I am thinking right now. I forgot, keep typing, keep typing. In a sense this stream of consciousness isn't as relaxed or real as one might assume it may be. A lot of the thoughts are a little forced because you would have to put your thoughts into words. That itself isn't too natural. I am not a computer person either. I guess it could be worse and I could be an EXTREMELY slow typer as well. Phew. You know, this isn't so bad. It's kind of fun. This assignment simply requires that you ramble for twenty minutes. It's kind of quiet in here. I just realized that. My fingernails are really short. I wish they could be a little longer. a little more feminine. One day I wake up and they are on their way to getting long and the next day I wake up and I've either pulled on or bit them. Even though I am not really the social type, I have managed to make some friends. yea for me. this guy in front of me looks like he's all into his homework when I bet he's just e-mailing his chick back home. Even though I just used the word "chick" I am not sexist. In fact, I hate that word. I'm not exactly into all this equal rights stuff. I think it is okay for men to play the macho, take charge role in society. I mean, women are, as an entirety , weaker. So what if we are the ones who play the nurturing half of the species? We have our strong points and so do men. It balances out. Every once and a while you get a person who is stronger in a different and/or unnatural area, but that is fine with me too. There are a lot of computers in this room. While I typed that I had another thought but I can't type 2 things at once so you just missed out on something. of course it wasn't important so who really cares? bop bop bop bop my brain stopped throwing out ideas just then. My friends are sitting to each side of me. I haven’t talked to them since I started this assignment so it feels weird. Oh, wait. I had to talk to one briefly about why this thing typed all the way down to what seemed infinity until it returned to the next line. She just told me to wait. Everyone says you gain fifteen pounds when you get to college. I hope that is not true because I already feel fat enough as it is. So, have you sat down for twenty minutes and tried this assignment? How did it turn out for you? This is a pretty big screen. Pretty big, indeed. I'm pretending to type fast. I hit keys and everyone probably thinks I'm on a role with what I am thinking, when in reality I am just pretending. Crazy, huh. Wouldn't it be weird if I just snapped and from here on out everything I thought was as random and crazy as this. this isn't a personality profile is it? You aren't going to call me in some time and discharge me from UT are you? I guess this isn't what you had in mind for stream of consciousness (I don’t want to spell it takes too much brain power) but I hope its kind of what I was supposed to do. I am one of those students who is always scared of turning in assignments because they might be just plain wrong. I'm really tires of typing. I just read what I typed "I’m really 'tires' of typing" that's pretty stupid. at least I know I am not one of those people who thinks a bunch of bad words when I am freethinking. Or at least I don’t think about sex or anything. Well, I did talk about men and women and equal rights so I guess that kind of applies. When I play with the keyboard it sounds kind of like a horserace. Try it, it does. All you have to do is establish a rhythm. My fingers hurt still. I wish I was really fluent in another language. type, I don’t want to type. type I don’t want to type. believe it or not those words just took the form as a song in my head. I cheated. I just talked to my friends sitting next to me. I BROKE. again. I think I went a little over but this has been kind of fun.

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14

I am feeling anxious about my philosophy class that I have in 40 minutes. the class in which I have not attended yet due to a schedule change. I hope they haven't been assigned a large amount of work yet so that I won't have too much catching up to do. I hope that there isn't going to be an exam on one of the days I'm going to be out of town. I've already had to email professor pennebaker about missing an exam because I will be out of town for my sister's wedding. I wonder what it will be like for my sister after she is married. I hope everything works out for her. I wonder if the person I marry I already know, or if I have yet to meet them. I need to figure out where and how to pay for the classes I added/dropped, I need to do this soon. I hope that when I have to connect flights in st. louis it all goes well and is easy, since I've never had to connect before. it will be worth it though because I'll get to see my sister who I haven't seen in a very long time. I need to go to the rowing meeting tonight, but I'm afraid if I commit to it I won't have enough time to study. also, I'm going to miss 5 days of tryouts because I'll be out of town. it sure seems like going out of town is causing me to miss a lot of things, but my sister is important to me and being a part of her wedding will be very special. I need to go do some reading for my rhetoric class before I have to leave for philosophy. I hope I like this class, or else I switched out of sociology for nothing.

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31

I hope that it doesn't matter that I do not capitalize anything. I seem to type better and more "stream of conscious"-like when I don't have to worry about anything. I like it here at ut. I like how my classes are big. I thought that it was going to be a really big change for me. I went to private school all of my life until right now. my classes were no bigger than 25 people. in fact my psychology class is almost bigger than my entire high school. the hardest part for me so far has been homesickness. I really do like it here. but this whole independence thing is new to me. this week has been a ton better than last week was. I am a little worried about tomorrow because I have two quizzes - one in chemistry and one in medical terminology. they shouldn't be too hard because I've been studying all week. first tests are always worrisome I think. I am going back home to san antonio tomorrow. I can't wait to see my dad. he has been in la for a week or so and I haven't seen him or talked to him. when I think of my dad I always think of this past summer because we would always watch the atlanta braves games and espn baseball tonight together. I have always been a big baseball fan. I never wanted to play softball or baseball, I just really like to watch it. I have realized that watching baseball with my dad at night was how we bonded. he is not a big talker. he is not a very sensitive person either. throughout my life I have never really had anything in common with my father until baseball. I guess the biggest thing has also been me coming to ut. he came here and graduated from law school over 20 years ago. he was so proud that I decided to come here. I love to see him happy. my boyfriend is still in san antonio. he doesn't admit that he didn't want for me to like it here. but I know him better than he knows himself. we've been dating for over three years now. it doesn't seem like that long. I love him. he has tried everything to make me feel better, concerning homesickness that is. he calls me every night and tells me how his day was and then asks me about mine. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. it's kind of scary though. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. but I am only 18 years old. how do I know for sure that he is the one? I guess it is just another mystery of life. last week when I went back home I went out with my boyfriend on friday night. I didn't think that it was going to affect my mom so much. she was so hurt that I wanted to go out with him and not spend my time with her. it's hard though. being torn between your boyfriend and your family. but I spend all day saturday and sunday with my family. my mom apologized to me about how she acted. I told her that it was hard for me to choose and that I felt torn between the two. she understood and now everything is great. communication is the key to improving and understanding all relationships. that is what I think anyways. well my twenty minutes are up. I have to go meet my roommate and then we are going to go eat. until the next writing assignment.

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21

I have been asked to do similar exercises in the past in which I was supposed to just write nonstop and track my thoughts or create a story, a cell phone is going off right now but it is not mine, I just got a brand new phone, it is a really cool camera phone, sometimes I hate having my cell phone because people just won't stop calling me and it gets really irritating, especially if you don't want to speak to the person who keeps calling you. I met this one girl Amy, and she called me so many times but the problem was I was trying to avoid her because I was not' really interested in her. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings because I know there are times when I have felt lonely or hurt myself. Anyways I would rather too many people call me then nobody call me. Last year I didn't have a cell phone and I wasn't really as socially active as much as people expected me to be or as much as my friends were. I really hate the keyboard that I am typing on. I am in the library right now, in the RLM building, I came here to come to a spanish class to see if I could get into a class I wasn't registered for. I promised my mom I would come and check this class out because most of my classes right now are not to difficult and I have a lot of time. Something I am not really used to. Anyways my mom has been bugging me about taking a foreign language for some time now because she desperately wants me to learn something. she owns a translation company and thinks it is vital that I be able to communicate at least in Spanish if I am going to live in texas. I really do agree with her but I don't really want to learn a foreign language. I took french in high school and it was really tough. but maybe that was because I didn't really work hard my first two years of high school and I never really paid attention in class. Maybe I will be better now. Anyways before when I was asked to do similar assignments I never was really able to write anything down. I remember one time I was asked to just write nonstop and then later what ever I wrote about I would use later for the topic of a story. The problem is that I really wasn't able to write anything down at all. Usually when I write something I like to think long and hard about what I am writing about and then phrase whatever I am writing in a very articulate and cleaver way. I am really hungry right now, I never ate breakfast. I usually don't eat breakfast but I usually don't' get up this late on the weekdays. I had a rough night last night. couldn't fall asleep and I didn't wake up till 12:25. I had a class at one otherwise I might have slept later. There are some people passing by me and I keep looking over wishing for some reason that I recognized them or that they went to my high school. my eating pattern since I got to college has taken a weird pattern-back to my no breakfast-I have 14 meal tickets back at the dorm but a lot of times I will only use 5-10 of my meals a week and that is being generous. the first week I had 10 meals left, last week I had 6 or 7 meals left. I am trying to get my brother to come to towers and eat with me, he can use one of my tickets but he won't come because 2 years ago he got kicked out of towers and I guess he is afraid of going back. somebody must have really scared him or something because fear or boundaries are not usually things that get in edward's way. he has no problem breaking rules or trespassing or anything like that if he wants something or wants to have a good time. He is by no means a bad person, he just doesn't like to be told what he can and can't do if he doesn't agree or approve of limitations he also can not work on someone else's time schedule. He use to be different, he use to be such a little goody good, he would follow all the rules and stuff like that he was such a wimp, I use to hate him when we were little and then other times I would love him but mostly I would hate him. Now I think he is one of my best friends-I think that this is because ever since I have been around him in the last year or so he has been really great and accommodating to me, he always makes me feel good and tries to make me feel welcome and special, my parents will say the exact opposite about him, they will say he is selfish and inconsiderate-they fight a lot-and in a lot of ways they are exactly right but in other ways they don't see things that I see. I am really grateful to my brother because in a lot of ways since I have been around him he has somehow taught me how to relax and have a good time. My parents will say that this is his specialty-relaxing and having a good time-they think he is really lazy and can't be bothered to ever move, but actually I have noticed that when edward wants something he will do whatever is necessary to accomplish his task, since I've been in Austin it has been him who has called me several times to play tennis, and he also is surrounded by his friends and by women-this is not by chance. well my 20 minutes already passed

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9

so I'm suppose to be writing my thoughts at the current moment. hm, strangely enough, I don't have any and usually my head is swarming with random ideas and daydreams. well, now that I think about it, I guess right now my thoughts are so scattered that I can't exactly grasp onto one idea. my friend called while I was in bio class earlier. stupid me forgot to turn off my phone before I went into the class, so imagine the embarrassment when my phone rang in a deathly quiet lecture hall. I quickly checked the caller id and turned off the phone, not wanting to upset my professor. typically, I'm told, it's not good to piss off the professor during the first day of class. but man, my heart raced after that. I don't know why either. but for about 5 min, I couldn't write; my hand was shaking so bad. so right now, I'm thinking I should call my friend back, but seeing as how I still have about 15 min left to write, I guess I can do that later. speaking of later, I'm still waiting for a phone call from my friend ruby so that we can go work out later. we went earlier this morning, right before lunch, but we had to stop short because I had class and all. we worked out for about an hour, and yet, that was definitely not enough. I never imagined that working out took so long. I'm terrified about the so-called freshman 15 that I want to do as much exercise as possible. it seems like I have so much free time on my hands, since I only have class for about 2-3 hours each day, and yet, I'm still rushing around trying to get everything done. it's funny how time speeds up when you're at college. I still have yet to practice piano here. and I have a billion other things to do, and yet, for some reason, I'm really bored now. my time management skills have definitely got to improve. fast. I also push myself to do something every single minute of the day, because once I start getting bored, then I get really depressed and start missing home. I never thought that would happen because I really hate port lavaca. it was so boring there. man, I'm just filled with surprises. I'm really looking forward to seeing my friend tonight. I can't wait. all my thoughts eventually drift back to him. I've managed to suppress my thoughts about him for about 10 min now. whew, that was really tough work, I must say. we don't see each other all that much during the day, mainly because he's busy, I'm busy, we're all busy. but I guess it's good. we need to lead our own lives, so in case things between us break apart, I won't be totally crushed. like the last time. I learned my lesson quite well. but still, I can't wait to see him. it kinda sucks living at jester without a car. sure I know a lot of people with cars and all, but that's different. I don't want to bother them with taking me places. I had my roommate take me to walmart today and I felt sooooo bad when we came back. I dunno, I just feel like a burden when I don't have a car. I guess I could always call up my bro but he lives about 10 min away and parking on this campus sucks. and usually when I go visit my friend, I get him to pick me up since he lives on the other side of campus and then some. but doing that every day is going to get quite tedious. I'm going to have to find another mode of transportation. I still have to figure out how the buses run too. I'm scared to ride the buses tho. I'm scared that I'll take the wrong one and end up on the 5th ward of austin. I wish I had my car. I've met some new people here, hung out with a lot of old friends too. but yet, I still feel very lonely. I mean, I'm starting to get to know my bro's friends but it's kinda not the same when everyone knows each other so well, and then this newcomer comes and tries to fit in. I guess a lot of freshman go through the same thing. I dunno. maybe it's just me. and wow, this 20 min went by really fast. I have about 4 min left. ok, so what was I saying? o yea, I think tonight I'm going to see my friend. (I told you my thoughts keep drifting back to him) it's his birthday today and his roomies are throwing him a special party, entertainment included. I don't really care about that. and surprisingly enough, I don't even care if he has a bunch of friends that are girls. I guess I'm just in a whatever mode. don't want to get too attached again. but on the other hand, maybe I'm finally beginning to trust him. I guess I'll find out later if that's going to be a huge mistake. I really like writing, esp like this. just random thoughts. I brought up my journal so that when I'm feeling some realy intense emotions, I can just write my little heart out. but that's usually only when I'm really feeling strongly about something. usually when I'm going through one of my personal traumas. ok, time's up. this has truly been fun. truly.

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15

Now I am really annoyed. I already typed a stream of consciousness for 20 minutes. But when I clicked on Finish, it had an error. I have to do this entire thing AGAIN. ARG. It is almost 1 am and I'm really tired. But I can not go to sleep or feel accomplished until I finish this. This is exactly why computers are annoying. They have problems, and if you did not save your work. Everything you did before is totally lost. I just finished filling out the forms for crew. My hand is already a little sore from signing so many forms and such. I think Emily just got offline. Vivek just Im'ed me. He rarely im's me anymore. We used to be best freinds, but now things are just weird between us. He once confessed that he loved me, but I didn't feel the same way. So I reacted badly and got mad at him. I felt that he was ruining our friendship, which is exactly what ended up happening. So now he and I both have our own boyfriend and girlfriend, but it's just not the same. Otto just imed me too. I want to talk to him. And he should have been able to call 15 minutes ago since I was SUPPOSED to be done with this assignment already. But NO. the stupid internet and connection had to go crazy on me. I do kind of wonder if the TA's now have to read TWO of my writings. Oh well. I'm too lazy. I'm so tired. I walked and started training for rowing. At least I'm not as scared anymore since the girls did not look any different from me. So we are all in the same boat. I just have this fear of being too buff. But I do need to work out and get more fit. If i don't make the rowing team, I think i will try to join the newspaper. I used to be on yearbooks, I still have to submit my application for officer for CTSA. Too much to do. People say how college students shouldn't overwhelm themselves teh frist year. But i personally think that the first is the best and more important year. So I should be going out, trying out everything that i possibly can. And then later i can decide which select few clubs/orgaizations/activites are important to me. I did almost everything my freshman year in high school, but by my senior year it was reduced to just debate, orchestra, NHS, and STAND. Hopefully I can do the same thing for college. But, with more pretigous titles so I can get a good job. I think life is redundant. All we do it work, eat, and sleep. Honestly, what is the purpose of life? We live it to teh fullest extent, but still what is the point. I can join thousands of clubs and do thousands of activies and be the richest person alive and most powerful. But in the end, we all die. Nothing is any different. Humans are humans, and we just seem to have no real purpose. I guess thats too deep of a question to be thinking of this late. But I always think the most right before I go to sleep. My mind always goes on overdrive. And i suddenly think/contemplate things that I would not have during the day. Yes, EMily is offline. She didn't even bother to IM me. It bothers me that she just uses me and I let her. Maybe I should just ignore her, but who knows. I've known her too long to give up our werid love-hate friendship that we have. I'm afraid that this writing assignment is going to be judged and graded also from our grammer and spelling, and punctuation. Mine is really bad. I have so many typos and such because when I bother to backspace and correct my mistakes, I lose my train of thought. I always seem to think faster than I can type. I think it's the same for everyone else too. I love this song by The sky is blue, baby i love you. . Martina McBride's song is so pretty. I love happy songs. emotioanlly attracted, physically active. the lyrics are going to be stuck in my head later, I just know it. Baby I love you. sigh, I still have 5 more minutes. My brain is getting tired of thinking or trying to slow down my thoughts to the point where I can type them all down. My roommate isn't in the room right now. She's never here at night, but she takes so many naps during the day. It's very odd. Her schedule is screwed up. But at least I don't have to worry about bothering her from all my loud typing. I'm sure it must sound really annoying. She doesn't even have a computer. I don't understand how she can stand that. I live and breathe for my computer, even though I am totally computer illiterate. I had to have my boyfriend and guy friends show me how to download music. My younger sister is even better with computers than me. Hopefully my MIS310 class will teach me more about computers so I do nt always feel so incompetant. And then I will also learn how to make my own web-page. I think that sounds like a lot of fun. This seems to be a lot to read. I wonder if the TA's actually read everyone's essay. Or maybe they just give us a check for completion. I dont' remember what the instructor said in class. Sometimes I get my classes mixed up. Thats why I have to color code everything, and orgainze my stuff. I am such a neat freak. My roommate is really messy and it bothers me. But not as much as I would have thought it would. She keeps it on her side, so it's not too bad. But I also have to LOOK at her side of the room. I try to sit and face my side of the room since its so much prettier. HEHE, i think that sounded really conceited. Not to

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Music is great. Someday by Nickelback has got to be one of the best songs I've heard in long time. nothings wrong. just as long as you know someday. " Ahhh well, good message behind it I guess. Every time I look in your eyes I simply fall into your lies. It's fun to try to make up new lyrics to songs. Helps the creative process I get. I just ate some flavored ice and it tastes pretty good. although the grape had a strange aftertaste. Nothing else could affect me like this. Just your eyes and your deadly kiss. Words just keep popping into my head. I've been listening to this song over and over. Its actually on repeat. My plug only has one socket. I was surprised when I first saw that. Most have two. Oh well. Finally, you've returned my mind to me. But still you've left me nothing. So it's only been 5 minutes and I've written quite a bit. this is slow going. I guess water really doesn't boil if you watch it. People don't seem to call me much anymore. I guess it might be because I end up calling them but still. I don't know, it's weird I guess. This is a lot like writing a journal. free consciousness. I loved Catcher in the Rye. strange book though. I didn't like the other big stream of consciousness book. I forgot what it was called. All I see are visions of your face Reminding me all of this was a waste. Hmmmm. my time thing doesn't show me how long I have left. I guess I started at 9:40 so I have 10 minutes left. "Why weren't we able. " Nickelback really has some great songs. No One, Leader of Men. All seem fairly angry however. Perhaps that is why I liked them. Subconscious anger perhaps? All you left were remnants of pain Tell me what you thought you'd gain. My nose hurts. I should put my ring on. For some reason I always forget to put my ring on before going to class. I dropped my 427 Calc class today and opted for 408D instead. I thought perhaps learning second semester was more important than skipping to a higher level of math. It's all about the basics, isn't it? The only bad thing about this was that I also had to drop my philosophy class as well. so I'm down to 13 credit hours. This means I have to find something else to do. Even though I'm working, I kinda feel like I'm being lazy if I don't go back up to at least 15 credit hours. I'm only 1 credit hour above the requirement for a full-time student. Perhaps I'll take Tae Kwon Do or guitar. I think the Tae Kwon Do is only 1 credit hour tho, while guitar is 2. I hope I'll still be able to start. That'd be pretty fun. The only thing is I don't really know what kind of exams I would get through those classes. Perhaps I'll talk to the music department tomorrow. I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow. I don't really feel like going to class at 8 in the morning. and my calc class still has it's discussions at the same time as before. so I still won't get a break until 4:30 tomorrow. Man, it's going to be a very long day. perhaps it won't be too bad though. Maybe I'll be able to figure out some way to pass the time. This has got to be more than 100 words. All I see right now is the finish button. It's calling me. slowly, slowly. "instead of a hollywood horror. " I also see the Logitech sign for my mouse. It's a really good mouse. Nice and cordless, as well as wireless. ". I know you're wondering when. " So why do human beings miss such obvious signs pointing out problems? Do we really miss them or are we just blinding ourselves to them. Perhaps those are the same things. All you gave me were endless problems. Now show me how to solve them. I really like using the . , ellipses? Something like that. I always got it messed up. I probably overuse them. They're nice though. they show a pause much more clearly than a comma (in my mind at least). Also, they're useful in showing sarcasm. much sarcasm. ". now the story's played out like this. " "Nothing's wrong. " Those just seem to stick in my head. I don't know for sure why. Perhaps I see my own relationships in those. I think it's almost been 20 minutes. I guess I should probably write for a little bit more just to make sure its been a full 20 minutes.

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Twenty minutes seems like a really long time to do this assignment. I don't really feel like sitting here that long. I'm sleepy. I guess I shouldn't have waited until the last minute to do this assignment. If I would have finished it yesterday, (like I planned) instead of going to sleep, I wouldn't be sitting here now. Hopefully I won't fall asleep in class. Especially my history class- it's kind of boring. I didn't finish this week's reading either. The professor said we're not having a discussion, so I'm really not worried about it. I'm tired of typing. I know I'm just supposed to be typing my thoughts, but all that's on my mind is other things that I could be doing with my time right about now- like SLEEPING. I really want to go to back to sleep. I really don't have time to go back to sleep either because I have a class in less than an hour. I wonder if we're getting our accounting quizzes back today?? I don't think I did very well. It's completely my fault though because I only did half of the reading and half of the homework. I wonder how Julianne and Tiffany did? Tiffany's birthday is tomorrow. The other Tiffany invited me. I'm not sure what's going on exactly, but we're supposed to be doing something. Tiffany is a trip!! She's funny though. She lives in Jefferson Commons, but Mike and Porter don't really know her. I'm glad she came to choir rehearsal. She can sing. I don't think she needs to be in the alto section, but I don't think she's going to move either. Hopefully, she'll try out for a solo. I haven't heard her REALLY sing, but I don't think that Bless Me is too high for her. I'm so sleepy. I'm really excited about Innervisions though. I was glad to see so many new faces. I don't feel very well. I think I'm just tired. I should have gone to bed last night, instead of sitting up and talking all night. I didn't want to say anything because that's my friend, but his room smelled like old popcorn and feet. After I stopped and thought about it for a minute, I think that was pretty accurate. I'm only half/focused on this. I'm bored already. I'm looking up random people in the UT directory. Twenty minutes is a long time to just sit and type thoughts. My sister's birthday is tomorrow. I want to go home, but I really don't feel like driving. I talked to my mom yesterday, and she said that I didn't have to come. I want to go, I just don't want to drive. I may go home the weekend of my birthday. Initially, my parents planned to come to Austin, but I haven't heard anything about parents's weekend, so I don't know if that's still going to happen or not. Since it's 2 weeks away, I need UT to let me know something so that I can plan accordingly. I want to go home so that I can eat. I want some boudain, Court Buillion, and a fried turkey. Those things don't really go together (at all) but that's what I want. I want to go to Brady's Landing too!! That restaurant is the bomb. I would like to go on a Friday, but I don't think that's possible. I'll be teaching Pump da Word, so I won't be able to make it back to Houston before 11 or 12. Oh well, I guess I'll figure it out later. Yes!!! only 2 more minutes to go!!!! I'm not sure what to talk about for the remainder of the time. I'll just ramble for a while. Cedrick rambles sometimes. I love him, but he can talk and talk for long periods of time. I had lunch and dinner with him yesterday. It was cool. Cedrick is one of the good guys. He talks about his girlfriend all the time (I'm jealous). I wish I had somebody, but God is still in control. He'll give me my wife in His own perfect time.

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17

I was wanting to get that pre-testing stuff out of the way, but like most every body else in the fucking class I logged on right after the class, and now the damn test site won't respond. Knowing me, I'm going to forget about it or something. I was just in the mood at the time, and it was on my mind you know? So now I decide to polish off something else (this thing) in hopes that when I'm done, the other will be free. Before I go on, I know that you may read this and think, boy this kid sure is edgy or sure gets irritated about a lot of stuff, and you know what? I DO! anyway, since I'm on this whole you know what I hate kick, I'll just tell you things that irritate me that have happened to me recently. For one thing, the battery in my watch went out this morning, and I went to buy a new battery for it today, but can't replace the old one cause I don't have a fucking screwdriver SMALL enough. So now I'm walking around campus wearing a watch that doesn't work and continuously looking at it to know the time. And every time I look at the damn thing, it's blank and I remember that it doesn't work I get mad at myself. And soda machines piss me off too cause every time I really thirst for a particular drink and push the button for that particular drink, I most always get something else. And of course you're left with this drink that you don't want, yet you don't want to just throw it away cause you just spent your last 60 cents on it. Anyway. . ok so how's the family? good? that's great. no serious3e4ly to continue the theme of today's "stream of consciousness" let's talk about music. Now, I listen to all kinds of music ranging from frank sinatra to Fear Factory, so I not judgmental in terms of genre of music, but my friends and I go out from time to time to see bands in Austin perform that are, in our opinion good, without record deals much less MTV support meanwhile talentless bands successful solely due to sex appeal (Bush, No Doubt in particular) thrive. Now you may say, but Alan what about the Spice girls do you hate them? And my answer oddly enough is no. Why? Cause they are all about sex appeal and they know it. Bush and No Doubt actually think they're serious musicians. times up.

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17

I just waited 45 minutes for a bus to come and pick me up from the nursing building. in the dark and I got very agitated and edgy. Every car of course had their headlights on and a million cars must have passed by me. I'm still seeing spots even now. I'm upset because I think everyone has forgotten me since I moved off to college. I guess they do. I do feel like a number here at UT despite what they say about getting involved. Every night I come home excited to see if I got any e-mails, messages or mail- but I hardly ever do. They're ALWAYS for my roommate. I still expect to wake up in the morning and see my old room at home, but I get a nasty feeling in my stomach when everything comes into focus and I realize that I'm in some unusual place. and then I realize its my dorm room. Everyone told me the first week would be toughest and that everything is downhill on an easy ride from there. But it isn't working that way for me. Everything is going WAY uphill and the climb is getting even harder than my first week. I want to go home next week and see my family and my dogs, but I know if I do I won't want to come back and it will be even worse than my first day here because I know how awful it can be now and I will dread that returning again. I'll wait until I get on my feet to go back. Does this page keep moving down? The phone just rang again and of course it was for my roommate. She has to call her mom when she gets back. Then she'll hog the phone until 12:00 tonight talking to everybody in the world and their dog. And when my mom calls for ME I'll have to call her back because my roommate will be on the phone and by the time she's off, my mom will be in bed and it would be futile to try and call her back so late. I'm a very SLOW typer. I hope nobody is really reding this because they would think I was an absolute ogre. I'm really not. I put on a good front for other people. Everyone thinks I'm anorexic because they say "I'm a toothpick". If only they saw how much I eat. I hate being so skinny and being able to do nothing about it. Everyone wants to be skinny right? But not to an extreme, right? I have loads of trouble finding clothes, I have to stuff myself till I practically pop at every meal so I don't lose any more weight. I'm sick all of the time, I can't excercise a lot or else I shed pounds and spend too much of my needed energy, my poor parents have to pay a fortune for heart surgery for me because my low weight has caused serious side effects. I've never been anorexic, bolemic or anything for that matter yet people automatically assume that I am. I noticed in that pre-testing, that a lot was aimed toward eating disorders. Yet everyone fails to notice that there are some of us out here who need help with feeling too skinny. How come larger people and insecure people always get the help, when there's others out here who need some too. WE get tired of doctors shooing us away and finally don't do anything about it until the damage is already done, and it's not like we caused it to be that way like others. I miss my friends. I miss my family, and I'm signing off now because I'm getting really irritated.

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14

Okay. I'm in the stupid SMURF lab. there are so many people here. I saw Brian downstairs. Sometimes he worries me. He met a new guy the other day and already had sex with this guy. I don't know if he used protection or not. but it worries me. He's so. so. spontaneous about things. I don't ever really know if he thinks things through. He just does as he pleases which isn't a bad thing. but it can be dangerous. I wish he'd just look at himself and what he's doing and decide if it's the right or wrong thing to do. He doesn't need to be going around having sex with whomever whenever. He knows and I know that he's a whore. It's not a surprise to anyone. But, he doesn't care. so it seems. Of course, I call him a whore jokingly but in a way I'm serious about it. He knows what can happen to him and it sucks that he doesn't care. Man. Men!!! Men suck! Josh needs to realize that I will never be with him again. He thinks things will change. he's so wrong. For two years I had to put up with his shit and all his lies. There is no way in hell I'd ever even give a second thought to going back out with him. He knows he's an asshole and I let him know that a long time ago. How dare he even bring up the idea of us getting back together. He's a 12 year old trapped in a 24 year old's body. He has no idea what a good relationship is and he doesn't know the meaning of trust. He needs to grow up and realize that he can't always get what he wants. and when he can't get it he needs to just give up and move on with his pointless life. I've moved on and he needs to realize that. I'm not there to be at his beck and call and I'm not there to just be there when no one else is. He lost whatever respect I had for him a long long long time ago. Why is it that I always seem to get stuck in the worst situations when it comes to relationships? Hell. let's see my record thusfar: hmmm, Josh is the asshole, Jay was just a jerk, Seth is the only man I ever loved and he's in California, Craig was someone that I could consider a "summer love". but he's at another college. Well, screw it!! I need to concentrate on getting all A's and B's this year so I can get that free plane ticket to anywhere in the US. Plus, I get $50/A!! I need the money. I'm poor now and I have bills to pay! Damnit all to hell. bills!!! Responsibility!! Yeah, I have responsibilities as an adult but I don't think the 'rents realize that. I'm 19 years old. 20 in April. yet I'm still a little girl who can't do anything right for shit according to them. What the hell do they know? I'm not living with them now and they don't see how hard I work to get where I am and how hard I try to be social, to get the education I need, and to get a job worth having in this freakin' town!! It's hard to find a job. but I've done it. And what do they say when I tell them this? "that's nice". What is that? Why don't they just tell me how they really feel. "Oh, well, that's still not the real world so it doesn't count" I swear they piss me off. My mom is the worst. She wants to lecture me about dishonesty and all that shit. Well, HELLO! Guess who's fixin' to eat her words!! I caught her smoking this past weekend. Yep. right there by the side of the house puffin' away like a chimney. What was that you said mom? You quit smoking? Right. and I was so proud of you! All that's blown to hell now. So, I caught her. and what did Miss "Liane, I can't trust you" do? Well, she decides to kiss my ass to try and make up for her lie. Yes sir! She bribed me with four 60-minute phone cards and $50. OH and she even told me that I could just pay for my speeding ticket without having to take the class. . Yes, that means it would go on my record but "oh, that's okay. it's not much more on your insurance. Besides, we just got a load of money back from the insurance company because of our good driving records". Oh yeah. she was brown-nosing BIG TIME. I have lost a lot of respect for her for doing that. I don't know whether I should just forget about it and let her do what she will or tell my dad and have him deal with it. I swear. this world is nothing but a big mass of contradictions! I'm not saying that I'm perfect. but I've learned over the past few years about what I want out of life and what I don't want. I'm living my life the way I want to. as stress-free as possible and as happy as possible. When I'm put into these stupid situations it just makes life that much harder and it sucks! I'm so tired of looking at this computer screen. I think it's about time for me to stop thinking. Yep. it is about that time. Thank God. Now I have to go help Brian with his Spanish work that he swore was gonna be "SOOOO EASY". I knew he'd have trouble. and I knew he would turn to me. I'm no bilingual. but what the hell. I do what I can to help my friends out. I've been called "too nice"? How the hell can someone bee "too nice"?????????

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11

I am so glad that I came home this weekend. I really miss all of my friends and family. I feel like I need to be studying for some of my classes right now. I want to but I also want to spend time with my family. I need to go shopping today. I still need to buy an answering machine and some shower shoes. I really like UT, but I just feel so lonely sometimes. I am so used to being in high school and seeing all of my friends every day. I am so used to being able to ask any of them for help with homework when I needed it. I really miss them. Now most of them have gone so far away and I won't see them for a long time. I am so happy that I got to see Vicky yesterday. I had not seen her in a long time, but it is almost as if I had never left. I can't believe all the things that she told me yesterday that I had never knew before. I am nervous about going back to class on Tuesday. I am so afraid that I am not going to do well in college, but I really want to . I feel like I am already behind because I have alot to do. I am starting to get hungry now. I haven't eaten all day and my stomach is starting to hurt. I can't believe that Princess Diana died. It is so hard to believe. I feel so bad for her kids. I feel like I have so much to do today, but I don't know where to start. I am so tired. I want to go back to sleep. I want to go out and do something tonight. I haven't gone out in so long, and I am tired of staying home every night. I don't want to sit at home and watch TV again. I wonder if mom and dad are going to go somewhere again tonight. I hope that they don't. I would rather them just stay home with me. I wonder why Michael is acting so weird. Sometimes he is nice to me, but then sometimes he won't even talk to me. I really don’t want to buy anything today. I have been spending so much money and I feel like I am running out. Maybe mom and dad will help me out and pay for a few things. I wish that the rest of my friends were here. I really miss them. When me and Vicky were talking about them yesterday, it made me miss them even more. Now I am feeling like I was on Friday. I was in such a dreary mood because I felt so alone. I wish I could see more people that I knew at UT. I wish that my parents would stop nagging me all of the time. Sometimes I feel that I can never do anything to please them. I ready to go back to Austin. I can’t study when I am at home. There are too many thing to distract me from doing it. I am really hungry now. I think that I will go and get something to eat.

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3

My name is Kate Mayer. Right now i am feeling extremely uneasy. Lately I have been stressing out about everything, from school work to social matters. For instance, this week i have some type of homework due everday this week starting Wednesday. Last night I worked for five hours straight on homework. I had to make myself take a break and go to Kin's Corner and eat because I hadn't eaten lunch or dinner, there simply just wasnt enough time. Anyway on Wednesday I have this huge english rough draft due and the final paper is due on Friday. I have a Geology test at 8 in the morning on Thursday, and I do not work well in the mornings, especially when I am stressed. I try to run in the Kinsolving gym to take some of the pressure off me and it helps a little. I just get on the treadmill and go. thinking and making plans for the week and how I can manage my time wisely. I keep thinking that once the weekend comes, I will be okay. I'm going home to visit my family and friends and all my worries will be left here in Austin. That scares me a little because I'm afraid I will be dreading coming back here because Austin is my home now. That's another thing that gives me a little anxiety. Right now I don't really feel that i have a home per say. I know that I am always welcome in Victoria (my hometown) but I have a hard time considering it my actual home. Kinsolving is my new residence but i feel uncomfortable calling it my actual home. I guess I just have to get used to it. Even though i feel anxiety about this small issue, I do not feel much homesickness that freshman are supposed to feel for their parents and friends. I do miss them a lot but I have not been upset by the fact that they are not going to be around me for support or whatever I might need from them. I guess in a way I am really enjoying my independence. I was scared before I came here and i realize now that I am okay alone. There are a lot of times that I need to be with people and socialize but leaving my comfort zone is the best thing that I could have ever done. I have discovered so many things about myself that I didnt know I even had in me, such as my need for independence. Right now my roommate just walked in. Most people I have talked to tell me that they have spent about two hours with their roommate. I do almost everything withe mine. She is my best friend here. We think alot alike. Our room is just the way we wanted it, if not better. There are 11 posters of famous celebrities like Marilyn Monroe and Bob Dylan. Our room smells of perfume cause we both spray it non stop, not because it smells bad but because. well I'm not exactly sure why. My mind is going blank. thinking. okay there is no air condition in our room or if there is, it is extremely hot in here and we have a fan blowing ALL the time. I live in supplemental housing so this isn't an actual dorm room-I think it is some kind of storage room-but in any case, I like it here. It feels cozy besides the temperature. Im thinking that if I still live here in the winter, I will be okay because it's always hot in here. who knows?! Anyway I am extremely tired, it is so hard making myself get up in the morning and go to class. The only reason I get up every morning is because I'm so afraid that I am going to fall behind. Actually, I feel that I am always behind. I do not procrastinate, or at least I try not to, but there's just something inside me that makes me feel that there is always something that needs to be done and I cannot slip up and get caught behind. I always leave extra early for things just so I will not be late. I have a math class right after my rhetoric and composition class, which is all the way across campus. I am always late for my math class and it bothers me so much. It scares me to miss the first few minutes of that class because I might have missed some important information like homework or some change in the schedule. I guess you could call it paranoia, I don't know. Well, I think that since I've always been this way, I work well under pressure. I don't really like it but, but I'm so used to it. Maybe that's a good thing coming to a big university. Time's up!!

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15

Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed at all the work that has been given to me. There is so much reading that I have to get done and so little time with all the classes I am taking. Right now I am thinking of a way to manage my time and get everything done. Right now I am hearing dead silence as my roommates and I are all studying in the same room. I am also hearing the fan and the doors slam from others people who are down the hall from me. Right now I am feeling very tired and my eyes are about to shut but I'm trying my best to stay awake. As I type, I'm thinking about other work that needs to be done by tomorrow and wondering if I'm ever going to get that done tonight. At this instant I'm noticing how there are so many pictures of friends in front of me and how much I miss them. I'm wondering about how tomorrow's classes are going to be and what other will be assigned for that day. I am also thinking about how hard my classes are and how I am going to pass them. I'm trying to figure out a way to manage my time, a way to prevent me from procrastinate, and a way to stay in control with my study habits. Right now I also feel sad because I really miss my family. It's so hard for me to be away from them because I'm so close to them. I especially miss my little bother and little sister. They always make me laugh. Today my day was tough. I hardly understood what was going on in there so I had to stay after class and ask questions. As for my critical thinking seminar, I had a hard time participating mainly because of what the topic was about. Right now I'm hearing no noise at all and it's just making me tired. I feel very cold right now because the fan is right in front of me and it's making my eyes dry.

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19

I sit in a chair. I wonder . I wonder about life. we have many options. to live, to die, or get cancer. cynical ideas always cross my mind. I question everything that comes my way. anything. why are dachshunds the best dogs to have. I always look for different things. like the outside world. there are some things you just can't reveal. sometimes there are no answers to questions and no questions can answer. I can't write. I would like to be a screenwriter someday but I can not write complete thoughts. I am really scatterbrained. I have many ideas but I am afraid that I will fail listen. I always have a ear that listens to weird noises, give me an apple. I would like to eatan apple tonight. tonight is a good a good night. tonight will be never the same again. there will always be room to live in another night. I hope I can learn how to type faster cause I have many strange and honest thoughts running through my mind tonight. I will think of why I am writing this. I don't want to think about it cause it will take up too much of my other ideas. I like to read why people are the way they are. I think every body’s brain I s incredibly strange. infinity is a concept that cloud not be conceived not in this brain, or anybody else’s. some day will the word mean something or will it? that I can not explain or will try to explain or think like I know I can explain. I like to talk to people about their spirituality ideas ideas ideas. I know that I will sleep exceptionally well . I am typing this at night because I was really thinking and I am not able to put all of it on paper. listen to me listen to me I am rambling. I am a really drained for thinking about my future. I am almost certain that I know what I want to do but I am afraid of failing and never be able to be happy. I do have confidence, ambition and ] think that I will be successful. I have been writing/typing for at least 20 min. I could go all night but instead I will make my mind ' wander of into some other tangent.

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11

I am residing at Castillian for my freshman year. I have my own personal room, which is more than I can say for others. It is very nicely furnished with all of my personal possessions from home. The entire back wall is a large window with a beautiful view of the hills. All the lights can be seen twinkling, which causes a serene atmosphere and a pleasant way to relax. My parents are paying a small fortune for my to stay here as well as for all of the other things I'd like to do. They try so hard to make me happy, but I'm not. I feel a sense of debt to them to succeed in college. I also believe that this was their full intention. We'll call it a bribe. They spit out money as long as I do well. This shouldn't be a problem for me considering grades have always been important to me, and I myself would like to succeed as best I can. The bribe, however, is the problem. I'm cracking, although that term doesn't quite seem to fit my feelings. Dissolving in a container of sulfur dioxide seems to better fit the description. Everything engulfs you at once and slowly eats you away. Your struck with shock and you can no longer feel the pain. You can always try and get out, but since you are dissolving, everything you aim for slips through your fingertips. I have studied numerous hours to ensure myself the proper background for each of my subjects. I go to every discussion session and can explain anything that has been taught in class or the first chapter of each book. When it actually comes to turning something in, however, minute mistakes always seem to add up. Already after the first day of class, I have messed up terribly on homework. I am incredibly stressed out and seeing the results of this assignment (though it's not for a grade nor does the professor use it for anything) made me more miserable. In fact, it actually brought me to tears. An assignment that means nothing to anyone (except obviously me) brought me to a ranting rage and then tears. I see myself as pathetic because I failed myself and because I can crack so easily. I can't say that my classes are overwhelming, though they take up from 9 7 with a one hour lunch break each day. If I had to guess, I would say that I was unsure of everything. I'm unsure of friends, family, boyfriend, classes, grades, time, money, and so much more. On top of this, I'm left for the first time in my life to attempt at juggling all of these things around at once. I'm sure it will all level out in the end and that I'll eventually get the swing of things. As of now, however, I feel like a mere speck amongst better people who are sure of so many things. I only wish I wasn't born with the disease of being manic depressive (and that my grandmother in France hadn't died last week). It only seems to complicate things. Also, as we said in class, stress can bring about depression and visaversa. Perhaps that is playing a slight role in my emotions. All I know is that it seems so much right now.

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14

I do not know what to write about for twenty minutes. It took me so long to get a computer at this place, and I would like to E-mail my best friend in Arizona since I never get to see her. Well, I guess this is the coolest assignment that I have had so far since it doesn't require any thinking- well, it actually does. in fact, that's all this assignment is about. But, I mean it is not hard. I am really worried about my classes this semester. I feel like I have been going to school here for a while, but it has only been a week. I have a lot of reading to do. I think my classes are not too hard, but I KNOW THAT THEY WILL GET HARDER, I JUST HOPE THAT I DO WELL. Oops, I just turned the caps lock key, sorry! Well, I am now thinking about what I should eat for dinner. I am also thinking that I don't want to gain the freshman-15. I eat pretty healthy food in the cafeteria, but I eat a lot more than I did at home. but I guess since all of my classes are miles away from each other, I will be OK. My boyfriend is coming to see me sometime soon, I wish that he was here right now. I hope that he is doing OK because I wonder about him. He's always changing his mind about our whole relationship- whether he thinks it will work out or not. One minute, he is all for it, and another, he thinks it will never work because we are too far away from each other. Anyway, all I know is that I really care about him, and that I have to leave the rest up to God to figure out. I feel really exhausted right now because I only got 6 hours of sleep last night, and then I woke up and went to class after a cup of coffee, something I think I'll have to get used to drinking now that I am here. that's one thing I really miss about College Station, though (even though there can't possibly be that much to miss in a town like that except for the people) I miss the Java shakes I used to get at Sweet Eugene's, this coffee house I love so much. I thought that by coming to Austin, I would surely find a replacement for the Java shake, with all of the many coffee houses here, but I have yet to find something to beat it. Although I did find this shake called a "Skinny Banana Espresso Shake" at a coffee house on the drag called Metro. My really good friend Maria and I go there every Friday now to get one- it's like one of our new little Austin rituals, so we can make sure to stay close by seeing each other once in a while, and making an outing of it. It's really weird though how people you least expect to get so close to, you end up not being able to live without seeing! Maria and I haven't ever been this close, but lately, we have so much in common. I just hope this isn't one of those "since you're from my hometown, let's be best friends until I meet some other people" kind of thing. Ok I have about six minutes left, this is actually pretty cool, getting to know how my mind works and all. I already realize how many different topics my mind changes to in just 20 short minutes. I wish my mind did not wander off so many times, because that's really not good for my grades. Like sometimes in class, I will sit there thinking of my boyfriend instead of listening. But, then I go back to paying attention until I start wondering how my dog is doing all alone at home. Well, actually, I haven't thought about my dog during a class yet, but it could happen. Besides, I wanted to bring her up in some way in this little writing experiment, and that was the best way that I could think of. Anyway, as I was saying, I really hope that my dog does not die early since it is do lonely right now. My mom says she just sits on the staircase waiting for somebody to come home- that would be me or my brother. Ok, now I am thinking about me brother, who is the sweetest guy on earth. I hope that he is doing Ok right now. I thought that now that we live in the same city and all, we would actually get to see each other more, but we are so busy, I really don't get to see him until the weekends. Anyway, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't here to help me out. For example, I wouldn't have even known about this big computer lab. well, I am sure that I would have found out somehow, but I didn't have to find out myself. I mean, I don't want to be all dependent on him or anything, but I learn a lot from him, and I learn a lot on my own, too. Well, I think that my twenty minutes are up now. So maybe I will submit this and E-mail my friend Jimena. Or, maybe I won't.