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18

It is 4:07 and I am supposed to be in psychology right now. When I got out of class at 3 I just walked to the bus and came home. Then at 4 I realized that I had skipped class. I have no idea how I could do that without even realizing it. My mind is working too fast and I am too focused on other things. Maybe starting Adderral again yesterday had some effect. It speeds up my thoughts rather than focusing them on the matter at hand. Now I'm not sure if that is going to be as helpful to me with school as it will be harmful. My apartment is too quiet. I just wrote to Coody and asked him to play a Modest Mouse song next time. He won't. That would be too weird for everyone. I would have volunteered to be class dj if I thought everyone wouldn't hate it and glare at me. I was also afraid my cd's would skip. They're all scratched. I can't believe I missed class, especially by accident. I feel ridiculous. Especially since I don't know anyone in the class to get notes from. Or I probably do but I don't know it because there are 500 people in there. I wonder. It has only been 4 minutes and 16 seconds, this feels a lot longer than I thought it would. I'm writing a lot more than I thought I could. Friendster is improving my typing, that's a depressing thought. I need to get off the internet and study. I need to study the Jeffersonian idea, how interesting. I think if I could go back and stop the manufacturing and the advance of technology I would. It would be so nice to live off my own land, to be self-sufficient. I wish I could have started that way, because I'm too selfish to give it all up now. It would be impossible as well. The world doesn't leave room for that anymore. Anti-Flag sang about the kid saying, If you hate America so much, why don't you move to Russia?!" Ignorance is funny. My foot itches. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning after philosophy. I really don't want to go. Or I wish there was no reason for me to go. I am never healthy for more than a week straight. There is always something wrong, something to deal with, worry about, or panic over. I am so tired of that. 8 minutes and 22 seconds, almost half way. This is very strange. I haven't done this since 7th grade. Then it wasn't for 20 minutes and it was more like "poetic" rambling, not full sentences. This is strange because my mind is going way faster than my fingers. My typing is not good. I never learned to keep my fingers on the "home keys", and for that Mrs. somebody smacked me on the head with her rolled up papers. That was special. Now I am halfway through. Is halfway a word? I think it is two words. Oops. I have so much work to do; it is overwhelming. I could stay in all weekend and finish it, but then I might go stir crazy. Plus so many people want to meet me this weekend. I don't want to meet anyone with this stuff on my face. I felt good until I got it, now I really don't want anyone looking at me. And now the antibiotics are making the rest of me worse. Plus my face is not getting any better. I am looking forward to the vegan potluck anyway though. Maybe it will be dark in there and I can be a little bit more comfortable. I wish Ross and Jimmy weren't going though. The sound of typing is starting to annoy me and make me space out. I wish they weren't going because I want to meet all new people without anyone who knows the "old me". And without anyone who will report back to Drew. I want to feel free, not be looking over my shoulder. This is so frustrating. I was so glad to move away from everyone, and three people followed me here. And now probably another will. No, I want only new friends. Not that I don't like the old, I just want to move own. I don't want to be tied down to one me forever. I have never gotten a fresh start in my life and college is the time to do it. After it will be way too hard because I won't meet people. After school people don't really make an effort to reach out and make friends and involve people. What do you do when you meet someone new? Do 35 year olds go around exchanging phone numbers and hanging out? Maybe they do, I don't know. But I wanted to start over and now I can't. And there is nothing I can do about it. Absolutely nothing. Now my face itches. Car tires are screeching outside. The bus driver drove us home in an insane manner today. He told us to hold on, and we did. It was strange. Now it's been 17 minutes. Birds are chirping outside. Something in my room just made a noise. Ramsi is sleeping under her box. She was out eating this morning. It was cute. I feel good that I've given her a better home. I need to go shopping for some new clothes and I really need to cut my hair before everyone I know does it, and then I look like I'm copying everyone. I hate that. I think I'll cut it chin length and get blonde highlights. I need to find a Goodwill to shop at. But I bet all the good clothes are bought up in Austin. I don't want to go to one of those expensive vintage stores on the drag though. Oh, less than 40 seconds left. Now I'm just thinking about the forty seconds and where I'm going to get cut off and that's strange. Is it going to stop me? Or am I

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21

I'm in a state of confusion. I'm in a library just staring at people as they walk through the door. I'm feeling sleepy, just sitting in front of a computer deliriously. My nose is stuffed up but I can still smell. I smell some type of perfume, not so great nor so bad. I'm feeling nervous, feeling like there is someone watching every bit of move I make. The wall is very white with few uninteresting posters, there are a lot of people but yet. so quiet. I feel like I'm dreaming, just sleep walking my way around. I feel nervous about everything that surrounds me. I sense the air full of intelligence and suffering from the people(student's) minds. As I type, I still feel nervous and confused about everything. I feel cold, mainly the lower body, it feels as if I am in a water full of ice. It's somewhat painful and somewhat a numb feeling. I suddenly start to notice the sounds of people clicking the mouse on the computer and I hear myself type as I stroke the keyboard with force and precision. I see a lot of books, mostly thick covered: don't know what they are used for though. The desk is filthy as if it had never been cleaned, it's full of dusts and paper wads. I feel lonely simply because I'm sitting alone but then again everyone else is sitting by themselves. I see a person staring at a book calmly as he stretches. Everything around this place seems strange even myself. It seems as if everyone is just here to kill time. They are just here to amuse themselves. Perhaps I'm talking about myself.

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15

Well, the biggest thing that I have been thinking about is of course, my boyfriend! He is in San Antonio, and I miss him so much! I was fortunate enough to see him the past two weekends. This last weekend I got to see him play in his first college football game at Trinity! It was really exciting, but it stunk because unlike in high school, I wasn't on the track cheering for him. I was also super happy because I have been able to see my family. I am such a nerd, because I miss my mom so much! She has always been there for me, so it is actually kind of hard to make my own decisions. But it is also good, cause it is definitely time for me to grow up! My brother came in town for the first time in several months and I did not get to see him, but it didn't bother me, because I know he didn't miss me. He was away for the Navy, and I wrote him a letter, and he never wrote me back. He has put my family through so much crap, that I don't know when I am going to be strong enough to see him. Thank god the rest of my family is so caring and sane! Life goes on, and he will soon realize how important his family really is, especially after all we have done for him. At first, I was extremely nervous about school and Sorority rush, but now everything is getting better. I was so glad when I became a Zeta because that is what I wanted from the start. It was just kind of hard because when we were practicing for Phi Psi field day, they tried to put me up in a stunt, and made me feel soooo fat. I am already so self conscious about my weight, so it really hurt me. I really don't want to have an eating disorder, especially after a movie being made about my aunt and her failure as an Olympic athlete because of balimia. Well, now after almost eight minutes, my arm hurts so much, and all i am wondering is when this is going to be over with!!! I also hope that my studies turn out ok because I really have to study to get good grades, like REALLY! I am just not smart like everyone else, or at least that is how I feel. I mean I like all my professors except for Pre-Cal, which really pisses me off because I took pre-cal and calculus in high school and aced them both. but this adjunct teacher does not teach at all. He goes over the basic formulas, which I have known since like eighth grade, and then gives us the most difficult homework, which he has not given any examples for or ways to understand in class. He also words the problems in the most bizarre ways. All the students are so confused, and it makes me feel so stupid, because it is just Pre-Cal! So, today I went to the University of Texas Learning Center, and it really seemed to help. I think out of my class of thirty, there was three of us at that moment in there. So that already says enough about our teacher. Also, I emailed him about it, and he made me feel even stupider. I mean if he wants respect from me, then he needs to respect me! He told me he couldn't pat my hand to make me feel better, etc. , and I was like, yeah, but you could try and teach us, instead of going over 8th grade algebra!!! But oh well, I am trying to fix everything! I just decided that I am going to be on top of all my studies, and try to keep up on the reading and all my math homework. I hope that I never forget about any important tests, or assignments, or papers. I am super glad I am in a FIG, because hopefully that will help. I am just super horrible with tests, because I have a major test anxiety. That would explain my horrible SAT score. But whatever, it is all good, I mean look, I made it to UT, didn't I~! Well, since psychology is my major I hope this class keeps me super interested so I don't switch majors like five times, like every other college student! I just want to know what I want to do with my life, besides marry my sweetie, and be successfull with my family and money. But, so far, I am so glad I have chosen UT, because I absolutely love it, and even though there have already been those times when I have felt so fat, or so overloaded with sorority stuff or reading( which I am also very slow at!), i know everything in the end will turn out just how it is supposed to, because God is here carrying me through out all my good times and my bad! I just hope I can figure out this pretesting thing, because that would be awesome if I didn't have to do five hours worth of experiments, ya know!!

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today was just like every monday and wednesday. I guess it was a little more interesting. my classes seemed more entertaining than usual, although, most of them are pretty entertaining usually. my drawing class at 8 am though is a little tough, just because of the time. living off campus makes my mornings a little more involved than that of the typical" college student. I have to get up around six thirty to be able to fit my morning routine in. today in my art class we did gestural ink paintings of skeletons. it proved to be alright. that class in general is pretty alright. it seems relatively basic, although it keeps my interest. the intimacy of the class size is what I like. I feel like I know everyone, or at least I am beginning to feel like I know everyone. unlike in this class where I know no one. which really is not a problem. I stay more alert that way. you know, when there is no distractions. I have an essay due friday and I have not started. I'm not worried, although I'm not really calm about it. I know ill do fine, I just don't want to be weighed down with a lot of stuff to do tomorrow. I have worked somewhat hard this week. well, sort of. it feels like less work than high school, but then again, I feel more involved here at ut. ut is really a great place. I am enjoying it very much, and I assume I will continue to enjoy it in my years to come. sometimes I wish I lived on campus like a lot of my friends, but at the same time I don't. I mean I like the fact that I don't have to be on campus all the time. like if I lived there I think I might feel overwhelmed with ut-ness. who knows. right now I'm talking to my girlfriend on the phone as I type. she wants me to come over. I'm debating. I mean I have a lot of work to do, and I have a feeling that it might come to distract me. she is in high school. its hard sometimes, not being able to see her during the day at school, but most days I just go over to her house. its not that far away from mine. that is probably another reason why I don't like the idea of living on campus. just because ill be away from her. I'm so tired. its ridiculous. I took a nap in the library today. I have done that multiple times. its proven to be ok. just a little sleep in the middle of the day helps me stay awake all day. something about walking around campus in the hot sun wears me out. that and waking up early. its funny how accustomed I have come to using this keyboard. I tried typing on the macs at school and I can't type half as fast. I'm curious to know how my friends in other parts of the USA are doing. I have a friend who's going to the college of whooster in ohio. and then I have another friend who is attending the university of wisconsin. both very different world to that of austin. I must say I am very pleased with austin. no place has made me feel more at home. I don't know if I'm saying just because I have lived here all my life, or just because austin is so nice. I like l. a. a lot. it was pretty nice. the temperature was amazing. that is the only problem with austin. its a little hot. but it really is not that big of a deal. I kind of like it sometimes. it separates the natives from the new arrivals. I can't wait for some rain. or at least some cold weather. I want to wear some pants. I can't seen to get myself into pants when its this hot outside. although it is quite cold in the acutal buildings. its not worth it. too much outside time. too much sweating. the book we are reading in my english class is pretty interesting. I recommend it. its called "fast food nation".

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I've always wondered how the mind works. What are people really thinking when they say one thing. Why do they say one thing and mean another? People can be so confusing. I wonder what college life will be like, and if there will be people there who will act like that and just say one thing to me while meaning another. It's all so overwhelming right now. Computers have never been my strong point, and all of a sudden, everyone wants everything done on a computer. It's strange and somewhat exciting. I like living out on my own, without my parents watching over everything I do, but I am beginning to get a little homesick. I miss being able to see the stars at night and to feel the breeze on my face as it blows my hair back off of my neck. I went to a star party last night, and the stars were barely visible. I wanted so much to be able to see them, but I couldn't. I felt like I could cry at that moment. I didn't though, because then my friend would laugh at me. He doesn't think I'll make it here on my own. I guess I am somewhat of a Daddy's girl, but I can be alone. I enjoy being able to hear myself sometimes. I have to be alone to write poetry and to think about who I am. I wonder when I'll figure myself out. I want to be somebody important someday. I want to make other people feel welcome and to make myself feel good about helping others. I guess in a way, whenever I try to make others feel good about themselves, I'm doing it with the underlying purpose of making myself feel good. I suppose that's okay, but it seems to defeat the purpose of helping others when all I'm really accomplishing is helping myself. I think life has so many hidden points that no one will ever find all of them. I wish I could search the world over until I could find all the secrets of the history of people's actions, but that will never happen. People are so secretive that so much history is lost. There are some people that claim that it can be found, but there's got to be more exciting history out there. What would the world be like if everything interesting was discovered. Then there would be nothing to wonder about. Things would be dull for the future. I wonder if somebody across the world is taking this exact same course and writing this exact assignment right now as I'm doing. That would be the coolest thing ever. I wish on stars every night and feel that life is to be cherished. I wonder if there is another woman out there with my exact feelings and thoughts, that looks exactly like me, only another color maybe or size. So many questions I ask myself will never be answered, but what if someone is watching me right now across this computer lab and wondering how I feel and what I'm thinking at this very moment. If only I knew, maybe I could meet up with this person and tell him/her my thoughts. I would love to share with someone I don't know. I'm afraid of rejection though. There are so many people on this campus, and hardly anyone has talked to me yet. Somehow I feel inferior to some of them. I don't know why. Everyone is equal, but some people seem so rude. I try to talk to people in my class, because that is how you make friends. So far, I have only made one friend that way. She's really nice. Her name is Christen. I met her in my German class, and we get along really well. We haven't done anything outside of class, but maybe if we keep talking to each other, we'll become closer and maybe she'll even go home with me to visit my parents. I don't understand the need for human contact. We would be so much better off if we didn't get caught up in emotions and feelings. But then again, we wouldn't be human if that didn't happen. I know I could be more efficient if I didn't need anyone else in the world, but as it is, I have faults. That's okay, though. Everyone has faults. It's just part of being human. I hope the world is full of exciting adventures for me. As I come to a close on my writing, I feel purged of all my frustrations. I had a good cry this afternoon. I miss my boyfriend so much, but I know I'll see him again soon, and that makes me very happy. I hope I can become even happier with where I am now. Hopefully, I'll be able to find me.

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I'm pretty happy with my first week and a half of classes. I've met a lot of people. It means a lot to me. I am a very quiet, sort of shy person. I was afraid of coming to UT because I'm not the best at making friends. So far though, it hasn't been a problem. My big classes have been a little intimidating because of there size. I used to have classes about 30 or less. Right now I am happy, UT won its first football game. I'm glad I was able to go. It was lots of fun. Now I feel a little exhausted. I haven't really done all that much today. I actually got to sleep for 12 hours last night. I could be exhausted because I am hungry. I think I'm pretty lucky. My parents sent me some food. My brother brought it to Austin. He and I will share it. I'm already starting to miss home-cooked meals. I think my 20 minutes are just about up. I probably fix a bite to eat, watch a little T. V. and go to sleep.

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Wrecks. They are the worst things ever. I can't believe princess Diana died yesterday. It shows that anyone can die at any moment. Of all people, a princess, a mother, an internationally known woman, a philanthropical figure in this world. It's sad. Yesterday I was running down the street to pick up an anklet for a friend and I saw a wreck happen. it is scary. luckily no one was hurt but it could've been alot worse. The anklet was awesome though. I kind of wish that the one I bought was like hers but that’s okay because I got an even better one later on in the day. I had to sit for almost an hour to wait for the police to come because I witnessed that stupid wreck. and then they didn't show so I just gave the girl my name and phone number and then I left. I have better things to do, like eat. The food here really isn't that bad. I haven't been eating from much of a variety though. Everyday I eat from a choice of about four meals. I can live like that though. My roommate is really starting to bother me. I should have known this would happen , but everyone always thinks "that will never happen to me". Just like getting in a car wreck, getting pregnant, or getting a disease like aids or something. I hope I never get any of those things. I don't know what I would do. I'd feel like such a failure. It does happen to so many people though. And everyone deals with it in a different way. to each his own. And everything is just fine to me just now. no need for me to change my life, I have my friends , my boy, my studies, my sorority, and my own life here in college. Being away from the parents is such an amazing feeling. just the fact that we are proving to ourselves that we can do it on our own. feed ourselves, discipline ourselves, control ourselves, wash our laundry and all that stuff. I’m doing okay. but I know for a fact that not everyone has been handling themselves as well as I have. I am me and I am okay.

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I am thinking about the video game I just tried to order over the phone. It angers me that it is sold out. I am now thinking about this assignment. It comes to me that I would very much like to make a superb grade in all my classes. I think that perhaps I shall if I apply myself. I am glad to think that I can do well in school. My thoughts now focus around a girl in my philosophy class who has the cutest face I think I've ever seen. I am trying to figure out a way to talk to her. I think it will have to be classrelated. There are two other girls in that class that I think are attractive. The class itself is very fun as well. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. I suppose I should get straight to it when I get home from class today. Damn, I have to work out. I used to dislike working out because of the physical discomfort, but now it's merely an issue of time. Time is the one commodity I am exceedingly greedy with. I am now thinking about how to best manage my time this weekend. I am more or less caught up in this psychology class; I now have more time to work on the others. I think I will get caught up on reading in English, and then turn in my paper. I paused for a moment there in my writing. I was thinking about what it was I was going to do today in the gym. I realized it was leg day. Leg day is excruciating, but short. Oh well, I will live. My thoughts wander back to women. I would very much like to get better acquainted with all kinds of women on a casual level. I need to expand my pool of female friends. Even as we speak, a plan of action comes to mind. School makes it easy to meet new people. I simply have to turn off my shyness. I paused AGAIN in my writing. I was thinking about the study section in computer science I was about to go to today. The TA in that study section speaks very poor English. I will go because I understand the code he puts on the board enough that I am well ahead of his thinking during that hour. The other students are not so fortunate. I figure that they'll survive. The class is a breeze. It is not very challenging, unfortunately, but I am learning a bit. "Easy Learning I call it. " Ack, the image of a naked female just popped into my head out of nowhere. Why did that happen? Sometimes chaotic thoughts pop out of nowhere for me. At any rate, I am now thinking about what I should eat before class. Cereal. When in doubt, you cannot go wrong with cereal. Hmm, still struggling to get that nude image out of my head. I don't need distractions right now. I need a clear, controlled mind. I am thinking of how much I have in my bank account and how I will manage my finances this month. I am somewhat poor. This will change when I graduate, but for the meantime. poverty. I'd like to think that I can be rich one day. I can see myself driving nice cars, living in a nice place, and wearing nice clothes. I can see myself managing my own time, and I can see myself being satisfied as far as that goes. Money isn't so important to me, but freedom of time is, and the only way I can see myself having free time is being wealthy. Oh well. C'est la Vie. It seems my time is about up, but my closing thoughts dwell on responsibility and what it is I plan to do in school.

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26

A picture of my girlfriend Bri sits on top of my desk to the left of my computer. She is beautiful in many ways. Her eyes look a little odd in this particular picture, however. I'll tell her that next time I talk to her. My cousin Brandon is getting married in October. He is been living with his girlfriend for quite a while. When I asked him how he felt about getting married, he told me that things would be much different since he is been living with his girlfriend. It should be much different though because now he would have taken vows and promised himself to her and vice versa. It'll be awesome. The wedding will be a lot of fun. I'll dance with Bri and such. And I'll have all my family there. Well, a lot of my family because it's impossible to unite all of my family. Too big. 44 first cousins, etc. I remember when my sister got married. Good times. I got to wear an awesome sleek-looking tux. My uncle (Brandon's dad) took a cool digital picture. My feet are cold. I'm not gunna put on a second pair of socks though, because I don't want to wash an extra pair of socks. David, my roommate is playing guitar. He is playing a solo that we recorded on Trey Davis' recording. We recorded and collaborated with Trey. Good times. I hope he is happy with it. I'll ask him next time I'm in Lake Jackson. Bri is wonderful. I can't wait to see her next month. I hope all the flight arrangements work out and such. It should. And then I'll be able to embrace her like I did this past summer. What an amazing summer, all because I loved her like I should. Honestly, faithfully, humbly, with integrity and with all my soul. We're awesome because we reciprocate each other without having to put effort into it. Everything is willing. Everyday I see so many people in horrible relationships or pathetic relationships. But Bri and I are so far past that. And we both know it. And we both appreciate it and don't take it for granted. I love her. I'm proud of that because I know I love better than most if you even call what most do love. David and I are working on a new song. It's going to rock. David, you're distracting me. Half over. 1:19 am. I need to read, but I'll do that tomorrow. He is still playing the guitar. He is asking me musical questions but I am busy. Stream of Consciousness! Yay. Homework. Yahoo for school. Yahoo for me. *shrugs*" - billy madison. Great movie. I have it memorized and I recited it in front of Rommy in 7th grade when he challenged that I couldn't recite it. Good times. I wonder how Rommy's doing. He is probably smoking or drinking right now. What an admirable class president. Dustin was student body president. good guy. I'll see him on american idol one of these days. My neck itches and I scratched it. My calves are cold now. *stretching calves* mmm. cow. Reminds me of steak. Yum. I could eat a juicy steak right about now. *drools* "Mmmm. homemade prosac. mmm. organized crime" - homer simpson. It would be hilarious and awesome to be a vigilante, that is, if I wouldn't feel bad about hurting people for my own reasons rather than society's ethics or their own morals. But if I were a local vigilante, I'd hang out on Speedway in the middle of the bicyle-dismount-zone and I'd push over all the people who passed by me still on their bikes. "Bicycle dismount zone, punk!" heh. That's be cool. Then they would get up and beat me up. I remember when I use to spend the night at Scott's house back in 6th,7th grade and in the morning his dad would bring us donuts sometimes because he worked night shifts. but sometimes we would eat cereal. I never eat breakfast anymore. and his bowls would have straws built-into them and you could suck the milk when you were done. that was the first time I saw one of those. they were

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16

Ouch, that hurts. Damn, damn, damn. I really don't care much for playing Doogie Howser as a homework assignment. My understanding is that I get to talk about anything I feel like. Well, today I feel like talking about the absence of love. I've never, and I never will. I know this because I know myself; I've been acquainted with myself for the past 18 years. But, you know what? Love doesn't come easily to someone who's never been given the chance to cry over another. And disappointment rides high among those who look toward the intangible as an archetype. And perhaps, love may not be recognized by one who stages the downfalls and disappointments by crowning the archetype. And what becomes of these kings? They assure an even greater upset. My hell! Who knew they'd turn out to be. human-of all things? They've been raised by nourishing mothers who want to keep the cycle from breaking down. It's a revenge thing. What's revenge if our elders can't play? And don't think the players of the game don't know. They all do. In fact, they're the unpolished beads hung through a thin thread patiently awaiting the cut that shatters all they hold. The dirty bastards don't mean it on the surface, but somewhere inside, not too deep, they feed off of this perverse pleasure. These prowling demons inside sense it. They know it and follow it by every word that falls from your mouth. They know it by every action pouring out of your senseless heart. But, wait, hold on. There is a simple solution to this problem. Find that beating cacophony that wakes you in the midst of terror, and do the smart thing all women should have accomplished by the age of 10. Rip it out, spit on it, and flush it down that damn toilet. Praise God for victory! No more heartbreaks, no more suicidal tendencies (so I've heard), no more anything. Anything. Anything. I guess, I wouldn't know. Coming from one who's never been within a foot of love, it may seem an improper thing to do. But for those who have ridden on this vanishing wave, I'm sure the former action seems more than appropriate. However, and oh, I apologize so profusely for changing the tone so quickly-it loses audience, but I do have other things to do. um, however, if this route of throwing the heart is chosen, don't forget to wave goodbye to the emotions which allow one to cry, laugh, or even, yes, of all things-the sole feeling which gives you a natural high for days, the sole feeling that allows you to run around the world three times blindfolded on one leg without any replenishing substances-the feeling of love. Go ahead. Hypocrite would be a swell characteristic for this girl. But, must I ask, what is it that consumes two people who are in love? The look in their eyes, the energy radiating through their bodies? What is it that makes them. beautiful? All of the time. I've never felt a consistent beautiful for longer than two days. consecutively. My dear, patient friend, that's exactly how I know it must be this emotion that I've never felt. It must be love. That emotion not specifically defined by anyone.

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I really miss my home town, but only because I'm not comfortable in my new surroundings. my friends seem short- lived and artificial, and my classes seem all too real and incredibly healthy. I'm constantly worrying that I'll fail and I seem to be hanging out with my thoughts too much, sometimes I feel they are a bad influence on me. I'm only happy when I'm doing something, and people tell me it's because I don't like to deal with my problems. it's true, but at this time I don't care. I have a hard time concentrating, sometimes I wonder if I have ADD. I probably don't , but I like to think I do. they call that a hypochondriac right? I have a question: does believing you are a hypochondriac mean that you are suffering from something else? I hope so, petty mental problems are better that physical problems.

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Right now I am tired and I am thinking about going to bed. I imagine what my classes will be like in thew morning and that I have to get up at 9:40 to be ready on time for my Astronomy class. I think if I have any home work or stuff that I have to have done for class. I then think of my next class which is Psychology. I think if I have any preparation I need to do for that class. I then think about what I'm gonna eat for breakfast and then for lunch. I then think that I need to go to the Microcenter to get the software I need for my business classes. I am disrupted by one of my friends who call me on ICQ. I talk to him for a few minutes and then get back to writing. I then immediately receive a phone call and I talk on the phone for about 5 min. Then I begin to worry how long I've been typing for and I try to remember when I started. I feel that it is time to go to bed so I decide to submit the assignment.

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It's late and the fan is on it keeps spratically blowing on my arm. My arm is getting kind of cold. I have been reading for about an hour now and my eyes are kind of lazy. I have some catching up to do on my homework and i need to go get a book tomorrow, the one i got online was the wrong one. today was a long day, i'm glad it's over. three classes and a long work-out session. i like it though, the working out, it make me feel. . . good. i like to feel good. tomorrow is going to be an easy day. ony one class. my nails look bad i sure need a manicure. the fan is really relaxing with the blowing and the hum sound it makes. there is no other noise, usually there is a radio playing but not tonight, homework was the important thing. i want to do several things this week, attend some meetings for soccer and for this business fraternity that i want to be in. i think it will be fun to be involved with the school. i sure wish i could find some information on the football or baseball spirit groups. thats really what i want to do. i love watching ut play no matter what sport. i was athletic in high school i wish i would have listened to my dad when he said you should practice, you could get a scholarship i could have, the demand for girl golfers is pretty high. i didn't listen oh well can't cry over spilt milk. i miss my parents, i know they miss me. my mom calls alot but im glad she calls me because i would fell kind of foolish is i always called home. you know, everytime i visit i get teary eyed. i know that sounds stupid but its getting better though. i love this school though, the only school i ever wanted to go to. been a fan forever. everyone else in my family is an aggie. i will be the first longhorn in family history. pretty cool i think. i wish i could do more with my room. its too small and my closet. man i have no words for that. but i like it here, its close to school and everything else for that matter. the walking across campus kind of sucks but thats ok because its ut campus, that makes all the difference in the world. i can't believe i got into the business school. i still remember finding out like it was yesterday. i was completely speachless. literaly i had to go outside, it was one of the most liberating and self gratifying moments of my life. i am smiling right now. i have alot of pictures of my friends in my room, i miss them too. mainly my best friend kristi, she is getting married in november and i hate that i am not there to help her out with all the wedding stuff, she calls and i always do what i can while i am at home but its not the same. we were neighbors you know. for the better part of out childhood. i am usually not this depressing sounding. i guess its the long day and all the prior homework setting the mood. my arms are starting to hurt because i am typing with my comp on a stool by my bed, sitting on the edge. its a strange position but i havent yet got me a desk. . like i said the room is small and well my comp desk was big. well good night.

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19

so, what am I suppose to write about? I guess just anything huh. well , there are too much things for me to do this week, so many things. I have voluntary works to do, lots of school works are due by the end of the week, still lots of meetings for organizations and clubs. Also I have to work too. that takes up a lot of time, it seems like everytime there's a meeting they are all bunched together on Tue and Weds, which I can never attend because of work. Sometimes I really wonder if work is really that important that I have to make it all the time, it seems like no one really cares if you do show up or not, you just clock in and find something to do. I don't even have a real job to do yet, I've been doing a lot of different stuff, just wherever they need me. I don't even think the people there knows me at all. I'm pretty new so I guess after a while they will know me. I thought about just skipping work a couple times , but I think I better not. but after I show up to work , there's really nothing to do. they could handle the stuff without me, so then I feel like I should have just skipped work. I forot what time I started writing, I wonder how do they know how long I've been writing. oh , I just got something cool from my ra, and a call for me to go shopping and meet people, cool, so I guess I have to go even though I haven't been writing for twenty minutes, but this thing is pretty long already so I guess it won't matter that much. well, the more I look at it , it seems kinda short! well but I really have to go, what should I do??? YIkes, well I wonder if I can come back later and continue to write , but I don't think that's possible because that just voids the purpose of stream of con. for 20 minutes huh. but I really have to go. so I guess I'll cheat this time. but I'll write longer on the next assignment to make it up I guess.

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6

After the first day of class, I went to my dorm room and tried to sit down and do this assignment. To my luck, I was unable to get connected to this address. Oh well. my sister id talking to me right now. she actually thinks I’m listening to her. I guess that is why I am a theater major. right now she's reading me The Principal from the Black Lagoon. My sister is a special education teacher in Killeen, Texas. We are at my mom's elementary school, in her office. She happens to be a Principal. The reason I’m back at home this fine labor day weekend is because I was unfortunate enough to be born in September. Yes I am still seventeen. Back to what I was thinking about. oh yeah I am home now because I need to have my parent's permission to do the experimental research for this class. I am going back to school on Monday. I feel bad leaving my room in such a mess, but my roommate went to fort worth to visit her best friend at TCU. Gretchen is her name. She is not having such a grand time at school so she convinced Kristin, my roommate, to go up there and visit her. Well I only have ten minutes left to type. I am so glad you don't plan to read these assignments because the typographical errors are plentiful. My sister is such a dork. she is singing everything that she would normally speak. She graduated from the University of Texas. (along with her husband) She keeps asking me if I am excited about going to school at UT. Of course I am. She wishes she had majored in Theatre. Don't get me wrong she loves teaching, but her first love was the theatre. I need to get organized. I still haven't called my friends to go hang out with them, and I have been home for a couple of days now. I have no idea why I haven't called. Maybe it's because I know I have a lot of things to do such as homework, or laundry, or last minute items to buy from Wal-Mart. It has nothing to do with not wanting to see them. I guess well I don't know . I guess that's why I am in this psychology class. I always wanted to take psychology in high school, but I never had time to take in my schedule. The psychology teacher was also my honors English teacher my sophomore year. She was a pretty cool lady. Well twenty minutes have passed and as much as I would like to continue chatting with you, but I have a lot of other homework to do. I am also very tired. I stayed up half the night . IT was a sad night learning of Princess Diana's death. I have the chills.

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21

I am running from something. From who I was and where I was. Maybe not running from. Maybe running to something. Everything I see changes. My life is one constant storm, one sunset. I don't spend enough time thinking about who I am. I am attracted to things that are not always the best for me. I think I can fix them. I like to visit my past. Sometimes it is nice to bask in something comfortable. I sit in your glow and warmth. I run to you thinking that you will wrap me in your arms offer me something stable. Something that makes me feel like I know something about my life. I was thinking today as I was walking on campus that you are the only one I would like to run up to and kiss. Then you come at me with your fists up and all I can do is shrivel and draw back. I loose the urge to hold you. for a minute. I wish I could shake you. I sometimes wish I could shake myself. Just get out of my own life for a minute so I would get a new perspective. Do you think I am wonderful? Do you wish that I would let you love me? When I was running today I pounded out all of my aggression and all that I was left with was tears. Do you ever have the feeling that anger is a mask for pain. I think I play that game a lot. Hide what I feel. Or maybe I don't ask. Don't look inside my heart. Too many challenges follow. I am happy though. Proud of myself for the distance that I have walked and that I take another step every day. I wish you would stop me sometimes. Grab my hand and beg me to say. Tell me from your own mouth what your life is like with out me. Admit to me that I am the light that causes you to have a shadow. You never admit things like that. Too much pride to loose I guess. I let you fill me. I made you my home. Then so much of what I thought we had and what I thought we were did not exist. Very confusing. And painful to tell you and me the truth. I wish I had something beautiful to say. I wish I was the rain that washed down over the whole world. Beautiful gray drops that just make you want to stay in your warm bed. They are comfort and beauty and a rare surprise. They can be gentle and subtle. Or they can fall with a vengeance drench you make you remember things you want to forget. Create a spectacle in the sky. Lightening strikes my heart. I wish I was the lightening that struck your heart. Then I remember that I am lucky. So many people never find what I have. The ability to love, be loved, lay beside someone. Hold them, think them, feel them. I am lucky to have found people that will hold me with out making me pay them back, love me without asking when I will notice. With those people in mind I decide to get out of the life I live with you. Focus on them. Devote time to them. Hold them in return for once. Decide who I am and quit letting you define me. I think I will be happier that way. I think maybe it is time to let my light shine.

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27

Stream of consciousness, I can't even spell it right, in any case I'm sitting here its 10:50 in the morning and I do not feel like doing all this crap today. too many classes when I'd rather just sit here doing nothing whatever its stupid anyway I feel like sleeping or some nonsense. nose itched. anyway I wonder what I'm going to do tonight about all that homework good god its exhausting I should taken less hours or at least not calculus that class it kicking me in the butt, I don't know anything. tangents. velocity. who freaking cares I'm no physicist, but for some reason to be an economist I need to know how to calculate velocity of a ball and decide what dosage to give patients based on tangent and secant line. honestly I don't care I just want to get out there and keep going. chris is probably at school right now, I wonder what he is doing. oh he is in government, he better be bringing that C up to a B right now on that test. if he just tried he could be so much smarter but I distracted him and made him get the c to begin with, but its still his fault. damn nose. whatever. I just want him to do well on this one. I like it when he is smart but I don't always because I begin to feel inferior. in any case, I love him no matter how he is I just wish he had help himself more. he is working tonight, so we can do something this weekend, I paid like 50 bucks last weekend because he had no money, its not like I'm rich. I work for my money I took out loans. my dad has not had a job since he got out in 8 months. I'm not rich. he starts his job on october 1 so that is really good because my family will be a lot better off. its quite exciting for us since we've had such little money for a while now. I'm not going to get stuck up because of it either. I wish someone would send me some mail I check that stupid box everyday and I don't get anything why can't someone just send something to be nice beth got a box and I still have not gotten anything. just a fucking postcard or something would be nice. oh well. ill mail someone something first then they'll have to write back, or not. I like my penguin picture, he is waving but he looks sad. I'm sorry penguin. thirsty. yuck. that cherry coke is disgusting, it tastes like carbonated water. gross and I paid 85 cents for that shit. what is up with my face itching while I?m writing this stuff. ooo. I'd rather be playing my game right now, although I really should be working out ill never be ready for thr PFT like this. can't do all those pushups and I don't know how fast I run. ill run till I vomit I guess. nose ITCHES AGAIN. I love chris he is such a nice boyfriend. not like those other guys who didn't really treat me right. chris is not perfect but he has changed a lot since the beginning of our relationship and madison and all the shit that caused. in any case, we are happy now and madison can kiss my ass. he asked me to marry him in a sense that we aren't engaged but we will marry each other, we're moving in pretty soon together, I wish he had stop being such a mama's boy and tell her to get over it. I'll probably be the one that convinces her to pay for it and be happy about it. saves a lot of money and chris and I can be together. we fight and stuff but its never big stuff. my parents will be fine with it. my dad will take a while to get used to it but my mom will support me if I really want it. it saves like 300 a month by doing it this way. MY NOSE!. 15 minutes. u got to be kidding me this should be over by now. he should make it 15 minutes for next semester's class. actually 25. I want them to work more than I did. lalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalallllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. your my best friend. oooooooooo youre more than a lover there could never be another to make me feel the way you do. oooooooooo we just get closer fall in love all over. what a good song love that tim mcgraw his wife is cute too such a cute couple. jamie just got online. that girl does not know how to have fun whatever. choochoochoo. my brain feels pretty blank. I'm all thoughted out, I got class in 52 minutes and I don't feel to good from that stuff. in 3 days I take AFOQT, and then go home and see my family and chris fun times, ill work too make some money for this week and buy that cute Aeropostale sweater. so cute 40% off too hope I don't miss that sale, I don't have a car to go buy it now or else I would, I can't wait to get my truck in like a month when my dad starts his job a blue f-150 so pretty

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My name is Rebecca Webber. I wonder how many people will start out this writing by stating their name. it seems the logical thing to do since they have just finished typing it and therefore will be thinking about it. I wonder if this assignment is some kind of study that our professor is doing. he did say that he and whoever helps him would not get around to reading these writings for a long time which makes me think that he is compiling some big database to look at find stuff out about people who take a beginning psychology course at the University of Texas and what makes them tick. I wonder how many people will write about how they think that this is a dumb assignment. how come my words are appearing on the screen on one huge line instead of returning to the next line? I would really like to have access to these writings. I bet it will fascinating to see what people will put down. can any of this be used against me in a court of law? I am having a great deal of trouble making my computer operate correctly. that is why I am writing this assignment in the basement of jester instead of in the comfort of my own room on the 11th floor. I am worried about having to run down that many steps if there is a fire. the thought of burning to death does not scare me as much as the thought of drowning. that is odd since I am an excellent swimmer and even have worked as a lifeguard. the summer I guarded, I had nightmares about drowning. I don't want to think/write about that anymore. I wonder if Luke write his article for the Texan. I wonder if Daniel is mad about the letter I wrote him. relationships are very hard sometimes. I have two hard relationships. one with Daniel and one with Abby. gabe is hard to relate at times too. I like Abby more now that I don't have to live with her. I wish that I could just be normal where Daniel is concerned. actually that is the problem: I am normal. I am tired of this. I swam laps today. exercise is very good for self-esteem, not because it makes you look better although it does)it just makes you feel better about yourself. I wonder if there is a hormone released when you work hard at something that makes you feel good about yourself. this seems like such a waste of time. I glad to help professor pennebaker get tenure though.

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16

not as much concentration, nor as deep a thought. I have always had a problem with being too easily distracted - like now I just lost my train of thought. I try to think about too many things at once and I do not really have a choice about what I think. when I was doin the pretesting I often found that if any question required any thought or recoolection at all I was drawn a blank at it. I simply could not look deeply into what I saw. I have related this problem to many possible sources - this is why I decided that I did not want to smoke marijuana. it is also why I am thinking that I should not smoke. it is possible that smoking could have a depressive effect on the mind. maybe I do not drink enough water, or sleep too little or too much. there really is no way to know for certain. I should probably just lead the best life that I know how instead of the easiest, which is what I do. I know there are things I need to get done, things that I do which are just wasting my time, and things that I know are just plain wrong but I always reason my way around these issues. or rather I just stop myself from thinking about them. it really cannot be good to be like this - I am feeling like I inhaled a little too much glue - actually I am probably just using the computer too much. by continuously focusing on an external source of entertainment right in front of me I feel that I am rotting my brain. this assignment is not helping either because I am not allowed to stop and think about things - once again I am simply functioning on the basest level possible. I like the movie the stand a lot, and I have read the entire book once and the first half two more times. I never really can finish it, but this last time that was because I decided that reading was bad for me. in all honesty, it is probably better for me thatn enything else I do because it might encourage deep thought. I should probably also listen to music without words - one is forced to think deeply with that because there is nothing else really for your mind to do. I listen to the play les miserables all the time now - and it is interesting because it is a very sad play - in a way it makes me sadder than anything. I feel like I would cry if I would ever cry, but I never do. I cry maybe once every year or two, and it is usually for something silly. the last time I cried sincerely was when highschool ended I had just listened to I will remember you, the sound they played at graduation. I also saw grease and st. elmo's fire, both of which remind me of high school. soon after I cried quite a bit over the loss of something which I didn't really care about in the first place. I think it is because I have never liked the end of anything, and the end of highschool is much like the end of the first section of you life. although there is a marginal change from elementary to junior high, and junior high to high school, they are still organized schools in the public school system, often ever within the same school district. every day at 7 am you get up to prepare for school which you are required to go to at 8. there are tardies and classes and a bell and teachers that know your name. lunch is in a cafeteria at a specific time and there is a meal of the day that you must pay your 1. 50 or 1. 75 for. it is really all the same thing, just twelve different grades in the same school. college is more like a job than like the old school system - it is a huge change. I simply hope that my friends don't go crazy and decide to move off or something after college. this would be the death of me because I will not, can not, and don't want to make new friends. however, I have found that no contact with friends slowly drives me mad. I would love for me jere and nolan and robert to stay local forever. I would like them all to, but I do not see how I could live without at least (robert and nolan), (jeremy and robert), (mark and robert), (robert and ben), (jeremy and ben), (jeremy and mark). therse combinations would be able to keep me satisfied for just about forever. of course, you know the freakin psychos will all go off and get married like the sick bastards that they are. they should read a little bit of saint paul, the fools. he knew the wisdom about not getting married. that was one of the things that pissed me off about your pretest. it asked is my shyness interfered with my dating or something like that. no, my shyness doesn't interfere with my freaking dating, cause I don't date! I never will date, I barely ever have dated, and I think that people who do date should be lined up and flogged until they come to their senses. in my junior year people always used to say, well craig, you are just bitter cause you can't get any. well, at the time that was partially true, but since then I have had opportunity galore. in my senior year, jana (the cheer leader), heather, myriah, jill, and melissa all openly admitted that they liked me. did I pursue? did I? well, I admit I foolishly wen out with jana (worst mistake of my life, btw). but no one can say that I can't get any. no sir. there was a girl on my floor last year that may have liked me (the only girl I have bothered to meet in all of college so far). peopl also say well just wait until you meet the right person craig - then you will change your mind. well who are they kidding? I already said that I had no interest in meeting any people at all. I have met basically zero peopl since I have been in college. I met my roommate, and I briefly spoke to nero and christina (I think that was her name) but that is it. I have met no one in my classes nor do I have any remote interest in meeting them. once last year a girl called me up to ask me to study with her (highly possible that she was interested in me as well) but I had no interest in doing so. I sat there in terror hoping that she wouldn't ask me to study with her, for I would have to turn her down which I hate to do. that will probably how I will end up getting hitched. I just won't be able to say no. I am terrible at that.

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At the moment I’m sitting in my room enjoying a 44 oz. slurpee. A cherry and coke mix, which is my favorite. I have been relaxing after another crummy cafeteria meal thinking about the days occurrences. Tuesdays and Thursdays are rough because I have to go to class all day. Classes aren't really that bad but they seem to put a large strain on the mind making a body feel worn out. The course load for me this year is tuff and it seems that I have little free time left. This is a very strange assignment in my mind. I can't see what y’all can get from hearing me ramble on about nothing, but if it helps then I guess its worth it. Chapter two in the Psy. book is very interesting in fact I have found the course to be interesting. To bad it comes after an hour and a half of chemistry and the most boring class I have ever been in. The selection of girls in the class isn't bad either. So an interesting class combined with good looking scenery is a big plus in my book. Whoa brain freeze. damn I hate those. Well after this I have to start on my M 408D homework. Now that is one hard class. That one and Chem 302 are going to be the death of me this semester. It seems like a 20 minute free flow writing assignment seems like it would be hard, but once you start it just seems to flow, kind of like a good rap song. I really like rap the combination of a good beat and a master on the microphone to me is really fine music. However, I love oldies too The Beatles, Mommas & the Pappas, The Monkeys, and so on are really good listening music. Kind of like returning to my roots I guess. Well that was twenty minutes so I’ll shut up now hope this was enough to fulfill your requests.

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My name Is Keely and I am a Freshman here at UT. Moving away from home has been a difficult task. I have really been lonely here. I have noticed that it is getting easier though. I do have two brothers that live here in Austin. My oldiest brother also attends UT. He is in his second year of law. My other brother Josh doesn't go to school, but hopefully he will decide to one day. Classes have also been getting more difficult. I have been really stressed out because of all the reading. I am really nervous about some of the upcoming tests. Hopefully I will have prepared myself for them. I have a boyfriend named Jacoby. It was really hard to leave back at home. I miss him very much. This coming weekend is our year anniversary. I really want to go home to see him, but I don't think I'm going to be able to. It is very difficult to be here in Austin without all of my friends. When I'm bored there really isn't anyone to hang out with. My brothers are working a lot so they don't have much time to hang out. My parents were sad to see me leave for college, my mother expecially. I am the baby of the family. My mother is extremely emotional. She often cries and gets depressed now that all of us are gone. She also calls us a lot more and e-mails me all the time. I feel sorry for her! The only person she hangs out with is my dad. My dad isn't too bad, he just is set in his ways. He sits in his recliner and watches nascar all the time. My poor mother has to sit there and watch it with him. That really doesn't sound too fun to me. Anyway, I know that I will eventually get used to it here, but it will take some time. I just try to keep myself busy so that I don't have time to think about how homesick I am. At least I have my brothers here. I couldn't imagine being here all alone. I would drive myself crazy! My roomate is really cool. I got really lucky with that. We have soo much in common. She has the same since of humor as I do. Also, we have all the same classes together, which is really helpful. Now it doesn't seem like I'm alone all the time. I have her there going through the same thing. Another thing is that the bus stop by my dorm takes me straight to my brother's aptartment. This makes it very convinient. I can get off campus and try to get away from it all. Well, I seemed to have come to a block. I can't think of anything to say. I'm trying to keep typing though. Oh, I really am enjoying psy. class. It is really interesting! I know it is only going to get better too. Psychology is my major (at least for now) so this is my type of thing.

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This is my first actual assignment of college so far. I've gotten all the homework assignments and practice problems, but this is the first one that really counts. At least it is the first assignment that I know of that really counts. Of course, I'm not exactly sure what the professor is looking for, but I'm doing my best. I'm just hoping I'll get a good grade for this. So far, I'm having a lot of fun here in the lovely University of Texas at Austin. It's a lot of work, but then again, I know it will pay off in the long run. And despite the small forest I've killed so far making flash cards for Spanish and Medical Terminology, its actually kind of fun. I like being busy, and I like doing things that lead to something bigger. In this case, it will hopefully lead to medical school. But that's enough about school, after all, I only live on campus, I'm surrounded by it! I'm in a great mood today and I have no idea why. I'm really hyper, and I didn't really do anything that unusual. I didn't eat an entire bag of Pixy Stix or anything. I did go swimming today, not nearly as much as I used to, but apparently it was enough to actually get some endorphins (if that's right) pumping. Now all I need to do is keep up that routine. I'm wide awake, and ready to go, even it is eight o'clock in the evening, and I have about a dozen other things I should really get around to doing. At least I'm organized though. I didn't really think that would pay off that much in school at least not right away, but it is. I can't wait until my birthday; I'll finally be eighteen! Its kind of funny how much a birthday can mean. Even though it's not that big of a deal, it's still exciting. Although the only thing I can do is go to clubs and join the military, and neither of those are exactly my kind of thing. It'll be nice to have people stopping and being completely amazed that a seventeen year old is actually in college. Will wonders never cease? Oh well, its all fun and games and it means presents! Shallow, but its nice to get things. Especially when you're one of those people who usually manages to remember everyone's birthday, even if it is a few days or weeks late. What matters is that I remember! I just like doing things like that, it makes everyone feel special, as pathetic as that sounds. I feel like this is the most incoherent thing I've ever written. I'm just rambling all over the place, but I hope this is what the professor is looking for. If this is stream of consciousness, I'm amazed anyone can actually read this kind of thing. It would drive me crazy to have to read all this rambling. As completely crazy and illogical as what I have written is, its nice to just be able to switch subjects like mad. It's a nice change from the whole introduction, body, and conclusion type of paper. Still, this style of writing is very refreshing and it's a lot more challenging than I thought. I've never really sat down and tried to follow my thoughts for twenty minutes. I guess I just don't have that much to think about, judging from what I have written. And it's sad because I've actually written a fair amount of absolutely nothing. Who would have guessed I could spend twenty whole minutes just writing this kind of thing?

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hi I guess I'm supposed to be thinking about what to write for the next 19 minutes and 20 seconds, I will start with charlie my boyfriend of one month exactly today. long distance thing is working out ok, I may be falling in love with him but then again he is going to be a cop and I always said that I shouldn't marry a cop and he doesn't have a job right now so he can't take me out that often. does him not having a job make him lazy? I'm not quite sure, when I was like 14 I made a list of the basic things that my future spouse should have I wonder where I put that or if he would fit into any of the standards I set for my self. he is the best guy I have dated so far, as far as how he treats me and respects me so I'm doing all right for myself. I wonder what casey is doing never mind she just walked in she says this asignment sucks and I agree maybe I will sue you all for giving me carpal tunnel syndrome casey is leaving again, what a freak not really she is a cool girl. I just ate so much food added up I had a fajita and a cup of chicken enchillada soup and an ass load of chips and queso, I'm sure that I am the most gigantic person on the planet what if I get heartburn from that queso. I am experiencing the sickness brought on by the lull in my immune system brought on by the stress we talked about today in your class, yes pennebaker, we do listen and you are quite entertaining, hope I don't forget to read the entire semester, but at the rate I'm going that's what will happen, I wonder if you are married or if you ever date your students. god bless your students if so. just kidding. I can't believe that I am not going to have sex for like an entire month. this is craziness. I usta me borderline nympho. just kidding again. hmm what shows am I missing on tv for this assignment, and are you all actually going to read these assignments, I wonder if anyone writes a suicide letter in this or like confesses to a crime. I stole a pen out of a lisa frank stationary set at walmart last year, but half the stuff was missing out of it anyway and the pen was the best thing left, I think its somewhere in my car there's lots of crap in my car, I need to clean it good and I need to have it washed the leaves from the tree I park under are fucking up my paint. my mother would slap me if she heard me say fucking up anything. hmmm. deep breath I have gone 12 min 52 seconds so how much longer do I have? I suck at math, I have another homework in there. and I hate homework. I don't really consider this homework, ugh the word homework really gets to me oh yeah I now have lets see, 6 minutes and something, gee where is that lighter I'm not going to be able to smoke for like until I find it. after staring at this screen for 20 whole minutes I'm going to have a headache and ah, the thought of being with my boyfriend, that's what they are talking about on tv that would be great I miss him I wonder. did I already write about how I wonder what you all are thinking about what I'm writing. I seem pretty neurotic. this is a fairly easy asignment. what lawyer should I use to sue you all for this? not that I actually would or that I have grounds to sue. 3 minutes, three is my lucky number. uh. my fingernails need fixing. two. broken. what's a girl to do? and to think that I don't have a nail girl to go see and I'm freaked out by the oriental people to do my nails, so I'm pretty much screwed. count down-- 1 minute! yay I guess I will be seeing you all around hope you enjoyed this tour through 20 minutes in my brain. its scary I know. alright then I love charlie!!!!! I can call him now he will be so pleased. !!!!! bye

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I am at work right now. I guess I'm a little hesitant about writing this stream of consciousness, because we never do this in school. We're always asked to write on a specific topic or something of that sort, and to write what we think is such a broad topic. I'm sick, and I don't think its because of those freshman jitters you were talking about. I was completely confident in going to school. Nonetheless, I got sick. . my parents say its because I don't have enough sleep or because the dorms have diseases. I don't live in the dorm, though, which is both a plus and a bad thing. I like living off campus, because it feels more homey and seems like there's a place to get away from school. Then again, a lot of my friends live on campus so I don't necessarily get to hang out with them a lot. Its ok though, because they always try to include me. Yesterday, I studied at PCL until midnight and my friend was so worried about me walking home alone that she made these two guys walk home with us. I have bad congestion and my mind seems like its under a lot of pressure, so if I don't make sense, that is probably why. I'm listening to music which seems kind of girly and I feel that the guy I work with might think it is too, but he hasn't said anything. No matter what I do, I like to have music on. when I sleep, when I study. Its a habit, I guess. The main thing I have on my mind is successively passing my classes. I have no doubt that I will pass. . but passing with A's is another thing. I am one of those girls who went through all 12 years of basic schooling with all A's, and have never had a problem with being behind in class or even worrying about getting a B. It might seem like the work of a perfectionist, but I wasn't always the most studious. I'm quite the procrastinator. Ever since I started college, however, it seems like I've had quite an interest in my classes and studying. Of course, there's the occasional partying, but it seems like college is an experience to do what you want to do. I like to study and learn and feel as if I've accomplished something on my own will. Its like reading. When I was little, I used to read a lot! As school started, they always made us read books, so I lost interest in the joy of reading willingly. This past summer, I read Uncle Tom's Cabin and it was wonderful. It was probably the first book I read on my own for awhile. When there's studying to do, and organizations to participate in, there's no time for leisure time like reading or watching TV. That is one thing I'm proud of since I've gotten here. I haven't watched much TV. I wish I was more of a news-person, but the news just doesn't catch my interest all that much. Its like everyday there's another child missing or a new statistic that everyone is obese. I guess shows like Dateline or 20/20 that show the in-depth look at stories are more my style. We were told a story in Mythology about how people used to have four legs and four arms and two heads, and it was like they were connected by their backs. Well, these 'people' became overly arrogant and so the gods decided to split the two in half so there would be more of them and they would be more efficient, and they wouldn't gloat so much. Then they scattered the halves all around the world, and that is why we go around searching for our other half. I like this story so much because I'm a romantic. Hopeless romantic is more the term I would use to describe myself. Even though I've been wonderfully single for 18 years. . there's this hope that there will be a special someone I will have sparks with and this higher connection to. I don't know if I've watched too many movies or have too many daydreams, but I guess I'm like most girls searching for their prince charming. Sometimes I look into the atrological signs, of which I am a Virgo. It usually always says that Virgos get bored quickly. I think that in a way, I am that way. Its horrible to say, but I think I'll tire of someone quickly if they don't keep my interest. Of course, I like to keep everyone as friends, but romantically speaking, there has to be something different about a person. There's a song by Ashanti that goes, 'I want to be like those girls in the movies, have a guy fall hopelessly in love with me. ' Now, that seems kind of selfish, but to know that a guy really cares about you and would sacrifice many things for you is a really different characteristic. Guys nowadays are so un-chivalrous. I feel like a little boy-crazy girl right now, but my friend had mentioned that I should talk about this in my writing and I guess it kind of stuck. Fortunately, I'm completely content with my life and I feel that I have a lot going for me. I am not at all ashamed of being single, but there's always those people who ask why there's no guy in my life. What do I say to them? I love being single. There's those girls who go blind by love, and I hope to never lose myself in the process of loving someone else. Its crazy.

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14

I tried to clam her down before talking to her about what was wrong. When I finally got a complete sentence out of her she told me that a girl who I was friends with, well we weren't like best friends or anything, but I had two classes with her and talked to her everyday, had been killed in a car accident earlier that day. I sat there for a second not even realizing what she was saying. When I got off the phone I went to my mom and told her very matter-of-factly what had happened. The next day I went to school not knowing what to expect, but after having been in class for only a short while and hearing my teachers and principal attempting to explain what happened and try and calm everyone down I was bawling. That's when it hit me, I just didn't understand it. Walking into the classrooms which I had shared with her only the day before was the weirdest feeling, I could see my other classmates in the hall and as they reached the classroom, some screamed, some wept and some just turned and walked away very quickly. The following days were exhausting, I don't think I had every cried that much in my life. I couldn't be at home alone, I don't know what I was afraid of, except just having time to think about it. Despite the hurting that I and the others that knew her felt, I was happy for her. She was in a better place, she was an awesome person and I have no doubt that she is in Heaven now. The funeral was huge it felt like our entire school was there. Her closest friends, including her boyfriend who was driving the car that day, all got up and told funny stories about her and how awesome she really was, that was comforting, but also extremely hard to listen to. At the intersection where she was killed people gathered at all hours of the day and night, it was a very saddening sight to see all of her friends just staring at the cross surrounded by flowers, her favorite candy and pictures, which still stands there. When I went to the cross all I could do was stare at the street and the markings which the police had made only a short time before. After the funeral I only went to her grave once and that was after attending my neighbors funeral, they were buried practically next to each other. It was all I could do to keep my attention on the service. When the time had finally come for my to walk over to her spot, I was fine until I faced it directly and saw her picture laying among the flowers and notes everyone had left. I lost it, I almost fell, but my sister caught me. I was a mess. I wrote her countless letters that never made it to the cross or to the site, but I know she knows how I feel and that comforts me. I pray for her family and close friends all the time, it was hard enough for me I can't imagine what it was like for them.

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16

I don't know what I should be doing right now. I mean life is so complicated and strange to me. My father says I can do whatever I want to at university and he will be happy with it, but the thing is if I do what I want then he would be pretty upset with me. Hell, he would disown me. I don't know why I have to do things in order to please him but I have to. Its like I have no choice. I am just starting to get his trust back and I don't want to lose that little bit that I have. You could say that I'm destined to do what other people want me to do. That is the way that society is these days. We are all conformed to a certain structure in life that we have to follow; and if we don't conform then we are outcasts and shunned by society. The "norm" they call it. Why does there have to be a "norm". I don't see why we can't live the way that we choose and be free. Oh well, back to happy thoughts. Amanda. There is a happy thought. I wonder. I wonder what? I don't know. I guess I wonder if it will work. I'm nuts about he she is nuts about me, but we don't get to see each other as much as we would like. I guess that is true about a lot of couples. But I still don't know. What I do know is that I want to stay together, even though everyone is talking about us. I don't care how old she is. Hell, she is only 2 years younger that me so that doesn't matter. People are just making a big deal out of it because I am in college and she is a sophomore in high school. She is still a lot more mature than a lot of people older than me. She understands a lot of things. I guess that is because she grew up in Saudi. People there are generally more mature than people here in the states. We are forced to grow up faster than people here. We lose our innocence faster, and have to learn about the world and society as a hole much quicker. Lets leave it on this note. These are strange days that will challenge our true selves. I wish I could go deeper than that but I'm not going to spill all of my guts to a computer. Later babe.

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26

of course maybe today is a good day because I am feeling such a flood of emotions at the moment. and this will probably be a good release, you know? I don't know I have been kind of down lately. maybe it is this new university environment. I'm having difficulty adjusting I guess. it's all kind of overwhelming. too many things at once. I really wanted to call mauricio and talk about what happened in Mexico. stuff that shouldn't have happened between us, but it did nonetheless and it really shouldn't have but I am also kind of glad in a way that it did. but instead of calling him like I wanted too I called randy. I hadn't talked to him for three weeks I guess. I want to talk to him about what happened in Mexico also, but I can't. I just can't. it would just cause more unneeded problems I am afraid. so I called him, he was a bad mood as usual lately. I had already been feeling poorly lately and talking to him while he was in that mood wasn't such a good idea it's just that he is one of my best friends and I want to know what is going on in his life. I realize he is having a hard time right now, but he I don't know. I just wish he was more excited to talk to me or something. instead he just upsets me more, and that on top of everything else just makes me cry. crying is a good release though. but I didn't want to. so being like that I wanted to call mauricio even more and sort out some things with him so that would be one less overwhelming thing to deal with right now, but I agree with Andrea and think I should wait for him to call me. but I don't know if I am going to be able to. but I will try. I called my step-mom instead. she immediately knew something was wrong with me. I really miss my mom. Venezuela, my friends, the life I had there. it was so great looking back on it. but I don't want to think that the best years of my life have already passed, I want to think that future holds so much, that I have so much to look forward to. I believe I do I just need to get past this emotional slump I have been in. but it is kind of difficult. I really miss mauricio. I wish he were here in Austin. I feel like right now he is the one I should talk to about everything. I wish I knew how he felt, I just wish he would call me. Christi, thinks I should go and buy a new telephone cable among doing other things. she thinks that if I had regular internet access I would be a whole lot happier. it's not that I not happy. I don't want to be a depressed person, I want to be a happy responsible in-control person. not a sad depressed one that no one want s to be around. I don't think I am usually. I just am in a bad situation lately I guess. I am letting too many things get to me and drag me down. I need to focus on what is important and do one thing at a time. and not get so overwhelmed. I think going home next weekend will be a good break for me as well. I didn't think that I would miss it so much, but I do. a lot actually. I just want to feel my normal comfort level. to know what is going on, although I do not want to be in high school. I just want to be able to I don't know be normal. I thought I would be here, but I am not. I don't know how people do it. how they cope. I think I am lot weaker than I thought. I don't mean that. I don't know what I think. I think that I am almost done with this assignment. it has almost been twenty minutes. I can't believe it. I thought it would take forever. but I guess it really didn't. hopefully I will talk to mauricio soon. I now I have been focused on him a lot. but it's hard not to be. of course I might not see him for a long time, but. let's not think about that right now.

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23

and I feel like I'm starting to get sick, and I really feel like going home for a while and forget about everything involved with college and responsibility. oh well I'm also really sick of guys and everything that they bring about in my life. not really but they seem to confuse me a lot, especially when the one I really love is way too old for me, but he is my best friend. I can't even sleep anymore because I have so much on my mind, everything that was familiar to me in my life has been dramatically changed in a period of a couple of weeks. I miss my family not like homesick but just miss being a part of my family circle. I don't feel like I truly belong anywhere anymore. when I go home all my stuff is here and I feel like I'm missing something important in my life when I'm away from home. I am really worried about money, I have a car payment due in about a week and I feel bad taking money from my parents constantly. I am still working some in san Antonio but it gets hard to go back and forth every other weekend. but I'm worried about not working at all because I need money now more than ever. the real reason I don't want to quit working there is because my boss is like my best friend who I am madly in love with and who I have been in love with for the last 2 years. I miss him so much and if I don't work there anymore I'm afraid I won't get to see him anymore. that would be one of the worst things that could happen he makes me laugh I get mad at him but I get mad at him because I do love him. oh well obviously he is in my mind more than just about anything. I forget about him occasionally when I go out with my friends or other guys, but the minute I think I have forgotten about him. he calls. he called me 4 times this weekend, and it makes me wonder what is he thinking does he miss me as much as I miss him if I'm lucky the answer is yes, but he may just think of me as a really good friend. and maybe that is all we are meant to be I just want to get out in the open even though I'm sure he all ready knows. but I'm young I should only be thinking about school but that can be easier said than done 18 years. of my life was spent in san Antonio and I miss everything I left behind even though I am enjoying things here too I mean it is all a new experience and I like not having to really answer to anybody but myself and God. even though I completely respect my parents it was time for me to grow up and lead my own life and make all my own decisions. that is all.

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17

This seems kind of odd to sit and write to a complete stranger. I wonder if i should try to be grammatically correct, if I should capitalize my letters. Normally my mind is very poetic in it's way of thining. I can walk around daily thinking of poems, constantly creating poetry out of the world. Then there's the side of me that is analytical, am I typing too much? Why am I talking to myself? Damn a minute is a long time? There are always questions. I've always had a fascination with animals, this in turn make me grow way too fond of my pets. I believe it's personally healthy for me, but it is controversial. . (no i do not do vulgar things with my dog). I have a weenie dog, and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I got her when i was really sad and it is her that lifts me up. The breed itself is funny, their length is their personality. It is also amusing that I, a man hating lesbian, have a weenie dog. My room is really hot right now, i'm here thinking of leaving, not sleeping; I already sleep too much. You would think it takes longer than five minutes to think this much but oh well. I feel like i'm talking to myself but it's odd to know that someone will read this. What happens if someone says they will kill themselves. do you shrug it off, or do you intervene? I think i would like a job were i just sit and read peoples thoughts, i think maybe 20 minutes might be too long but it's not a big deal. It's like i'm turning paranoid, i'm starting to think of things to write, like my outfit or my hands, almost like when your senses are on high and you have acute hearing and taste and smell and touch. That's when you are precise, you know what you are talking about. There is alot of dissapointment in the senses. Our mind has such an imagination that we are often dissapointed by what it really feels like or something such as that. I also wonder what this expiriment is for. What is it that you are trying to get out of me? My age you know, my life you never will so what's up your cranium? That's a funny thing to say. My mind is slowing down and i don't have that much to say. i don't really think i can do this continous thing. Is it ok if i pause a few times. It's weird the things people are worried about, like what could you possibly do to me if i said vulgar things to you on this assignment. I watched a good movie yesterday, it had a cheater in it, something I now can relate to. It's not good to feel that, never will be most likely (unless jealousy ignites your desires). I only wish I never do that to anyone, for I know how it feels and it is from that that I do not want to hurt people. but i know i might not be strong enough to substain. so i leave my door open to things, to everything and i wonder now that it's the end of my time wether or not it automatically cuts you off at 20 minutes or can you finish your sentence. I guess that is just a common worry, but if it's not maybe i'm just paranoid.

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I don't really want to go to my BA101 class today. Sleep sounds so good right now. I don't think I have enough energy to sit through another hour and half class, since this morning I sat through three of them in a row. Oh yeah I better remember to call Sheetal so we can go study at the PCL or FAC. I don't know if I want to study with a whole group of people but maybe I'll give it a try. This is so cool. Getting graded on a writing assignment that is of our thoughts and feelings. Reminds me of my summer English 1301 class that I took where we had to write journals everyday and as long as we did them and turned them in it was ok. It is sooo freaking hot outside. And I am so tired, mainly because of the heat. Hmmm. I wonder if Nancy has called. I feel so bad for her. Anyways, that is kind of depressing just thinking about it. I feel so stressed out. These first three weeks at UT has been busy. Not with work and stuff but with things like getting everything together and making sure that I have insurance, my checking account is correct and other important things. I miss the home food so much! But I'll live, it's not too bad over here. I haven't seen any guys here. Hahah! Well I have but I don't think I will end up dating any right now. My hands are getting so tired right now. I really feel like sleeping. I think after BA101 I will go to eat at Kinsolving and then head to the library or something. These labs and libraries on campus are so good. They have everything and you can use them whenever. Stephanie should be coming next Thursday to that Career Day thing so hopefully I'll see her. I am so confused on what to go into, like majors and stuff. I'm thinking about MIS but marketing sounds so good right now. Like I'm more interested in that kind of stuff and things that I really would enjoy doing. I know it doesn't have a lot of money or anything, but that is not what is important really to me. I mean yeah I want to earn a good living but that's not my main goal in life to be rich more like be happy. So I don't know. Just a confused freshman I guess!. Maybe I'll find out pretty soon. Man this time is going by so slowly. I've only been writing for ten minutes. Just realized how many thoughts flow through my mind in such small amount of time. Man I hope I get a chance to do a project because I do not want to write a paper. That sounds too boring. Being a part of an experiment sounds so cool, never really done that before. Ok I wish I had my headphones, too like the girl next to me. I need to listen to some music. I wonder if we are all going to go out this Thursday night to sixth street. I kind of want to. I feel so bad for Sarika, cause of her roommate. She is kind of mean, actually she is very rude and catches an attitude with every little thing. Even if she does not know you, she'll be so rude. Dang girl. Hahah. Ok well I need to find where my BA101 class is so I will be going now. So much for this writing assignment! I think my twenty minutes are up. Well actually they are almost up. But it said at least. Oh well I guess I'll go anyway.

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In this present moment I feel slightly irritated due to the fact that earlier today I was not able to surf the internet on America Online. The problem of surfing the internet could have been easily solved by going to a computer lab in my dormitory(Jester) and logging on to the internet from there. However. my focus was to locate some friends on the internet. This feature is exclusive to America Online and not possible to achieve in the Jester Computer lab. Ultimately I gave up and now I am in the process of typing this 'stream of consciousness'. Another issue on my mind. even though it may sound trivial is table tennis. Earlier in the day my friends and I were unable to get an open table which irritated me. Truthfully, I will admit that I am fairly easily irritated. I think that a large blame on this problem rests on my tendency to be a perfectionist. When things do not get done, or do not get done the way that I want. I get really irritated. On a good note, one good aspect about myself is that I realize my shortcomings. I am trying my best to overcome these bad tendencies that I have. In my opinion, college means to me a clean slate in which I can start over. I am trying my best to get off and remain on the right foot. One of my foremost goals is to meet new colleagues and friends. Friendship is very important to me. Without friends. the road of life would be lonely indeed. Whether these friends are so called 'e-friends' that I keep in touch with over the internet, or friends I know in person. they are equally important. While I am on the 'e-friend' topic. I feel compelled to mention an incident that happened to me on the internet. I met a nice female an America Online. Considering that America Online is the largest internet provider in the world. I was very surprised that this person happened to live in close proximity of me. We set up a rendezvous at a coffee house in which we met in person. We had a good time. This just shows how the world is smaller than it seems. In addition. I also keep in touch with e-friends in such places and Germany and Singapore. It is very interesting to converse with them. As you can probably tell. I am very much a technophile. I love anything electronic and I especially love computers. But of most importance to me as I mentioned already are friends. I guess I could say the prevalent topic in this 'stream of consciousness' is friendship. To tell the truth. if any of my e-friends were severed from my acquaintance, be it by losing touch or just plain not talking to me any more, I would be extremely upset. However. I know it cant last forever. Sometimes it seems that nothing will last forever. I guess sometimes we just have to move on.

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30

so here I am trying to figure out what it is that I am thinking. maybe I shouldn't have given advice to genevieve about her mother. I don't really know the situation and even more than that the little that I do know. I have never experienced. adrian too. he must really be having a difficult time dealing with the death of his mother. man, my finger really hurts. the manicurist was trying to drill my cuticles off. but they're pretty. I don't know what I should do with the whole beta thing. they are all nice, but I am tired of being pressured into situations that I am not comfortable. maybe I set myself up for it. right now I am a little emabrassed because I am really hungry and these 20 minutes are not passing quick enough. I know the instructions say not to worry about grammer and spelling, but it's really hard to read my own writing and have all these misspelled words pop up. nose itches. I wonder if I will be able to handle rush and my classes. as it is I am already blowing off my other classes for organic. even more than that, I hope I get my financial \aid in on time. I really do feel bad about making my father feel like he wasn;t there for me. my mom says that it'll work itself out but this whole financial crap really is upsetting. I know of families that have been torn apart beacuse of that. all I know is that they'll have my ass until I am like 40. which really sucks. an education shouldn't be so expensive that once you get one and start a job you are so in the hole that you're broke all the time. maybe I should drop out and og to massage therapy school like I wanted to a long time ago. I can't believe that I haven't heard from dannee. I am really upset about what our friendship has become. sometimes I even think of andy and I don;t know why. he's probably happily married with a kid. (I am really glad that it's not my kid, though. cause then I'd really be screwed with the whole moiney thing) 5 more minutes. I can't believe how little I have written. I must be the slowest typer. there's my stomach again. at least I don't have any classes today. that way I can print up my organic and biology and go home to eat. even when I get there I don't know how to react with genevieve. she complains about her mother and then does the exact thing that she complains about. I bet I do the same thing. wow that guy is really talking very loud. I wonder why (2 minutes) people walk aroiund libraries talking so loud. how inconsiderate. I even had a wierd dream last night. but I think if I were to think about it now my finers would not be able to type quick enough to write it in the last couple of minutes. I wonder who called us this morning at like 7:30. good thing I was able to fall back to sleep.

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29

Far too many thoughts are running through my head right now. Too many things changing all around me. My main concerm=n is Matt. I know it is crazy for me to think that the two of us can stay together through the year but I want to so badly. he is my best friend and there is no way I can just let myself lose him. I am just so worried about everything. we are fighting an awful lot lately vecause we need to learn to get adjusted to all the new things around us. why in the world is he at Rolla. He just settled there which makes me so diappointed because I want him to be happy. Not just settling someweher cause he feels like he has no other choices. And then he goes on about there not being anyone there who doesn't drink and so in order to not be alone he hads to go out with these guys why can't he just gove it some time. He'll meet good people eventually. he just doesn't want to be alone like he was for most of high school. I can kind of understand because he spent so much time out of hat he considered the loop. I can't really say much because all my other friends are at UT. Heck I'm even living with one of my best friends. I knew that would be a mistake but I just didn't have t eheart to turn her down so I siad we could be suitemates, not roommates. still a mistake. She is always in my business, never a moments peace. It doesn't help that she keeps aksing about matt. The sick part is that she has always liked hikm. he used to like her which makes it even worse. And she keeps trying to stay in contact with him which pisses me off. I know I can't tell him he can't talk with her but it seriuosly upsets me. especially cause she keeps busting in here asking me all kinds of questions about us. She doesn't know how much of a private person I am about certain things. If I want to talk I will share anythign under the sun. but I hate beign pressured to talk and I hate not having my space. She doesn't understand. I am a hard person to live with because I am so picky about everything. I like things my way. so livign with others is often hard. My roommmate and I get along great cause we give each other space while always being there for each other when we need it. It neat cause we hadn't met unitl last week and yet we already work on much the same level. So the whole lindsay thing just adds to the mess with Matt. I am very insecure about him going away. really scared about the whole situation so it doesn;t help when I feel my best friend is after my man. I know he has nothing to do with it but why couldn't he just ignore her for me, for us. I know it is not good for us to fight like this and I don't want to but sometimes I just start expected too much. Ridiculous things that no one can be expected to live up to. but that's the way I am, I figure if I can do it others should be able to too. On that I amn very wrong but it still bothers me. I want my baby to be happy and I don't want us to trap each other in a relationship that isn't healthy but I'm not ready to let go. I still think that if we just get settled it will all work itself out. I just can't have Lindsay behind me all the time interupting our conversations. I just feel that he always has to go before we can really finish somehting. And then there are my parenst who are so weird. now that I am gone they try and contact me more. They I'm and email but never call. then they blame nme, why haven't you called. well first of all yall are tryign to see me more than you did while I was home, secondly, wy don't you call. That drives me crazy. I really don't miss anyone except matt. That isn't really suprising to me though because I have never been one to miss my family . And most of my really close friends are here. Which is interesting in itself. UT is the last place I ever thought I would end up. I always wanted to go to Rice and then on the last day I suddenly changed my mind. Not sure all the reasons why. sometimes I say it is because UT had the program I wanted, at Rice I really didn't have a major. But other times I think I was just too chicken. Too chicken to pick the harder school. I knew I could handle it but I didn't know if I wanted too. Then there were my parenst who for some reason pushed UT. Not gform the beginning, but somewhere along the line, I think when my dad saw the scholarship. Then he went form die hard Rice to, "I think you'd be better off at UT. " I didn't want to do the same things my friends were doing. I wanted something new. And heere I am with one of my friends in the same room. now that is a stretch. My best friend other than matt is Andrea and who knew but she pulle done of the same things and ended up at UT too. So really there is no one to miss except my baby and iZ am takign that really hard. It's hard to believe I acn't see him until Christmas. And talkign over the internet just isn't the same. I just want everything to settle down and my emotions to caslm down so that I am not so fickle with everything and don't act irrationally. I never mean to hurt him but judt today Irealized that I have been. Now as I talk it sounds like we shouldn't stay together but we have sommmuch fun tigether and I think that this is justa phase. we are both stressed. I hope my roommates don't get all weird on me and start thinkign I'm getting depressed. I really just need some space and a little time to adjust.

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. instrumental plays. "candlelight and soul forever, a dream of you and me together; say you believe it, say you believe it/ free your mind of doubt and danger, be for real, don't be a stranger; we can achieve it, we can achieve it/ come a little bit closer baby (get it on, get it on) because tonight is the night when two become one/I need some love like I never needed love before (want to make love to you baby)/I had a little love, now I'm back for more (want to make love to you baby)/set your spirit free - it's the only way to be". fade out. i never really realized how much the music I hear during the day (week, month, year, etc. ) affects me and plays through my head when I'm not concentrating. da da da da da da da da da da da da da beautiful stranger. geeze, Madonna does some raunchy things in that video. i really liked that new Mariah Carey video I saw this afternoon. throwing popcorn at Jerry O'Connel. mariah fighting Mariah-in-a-wig. fighting. those Austin American Statesman vendors are starting to come up to our door now. how annoying. how am I supposed to concentrate on this writing assignment if folk keep coming through the dorms and bothering me? Anyway, where was I? Somewhere with more pleasant thoughts. get away from reality - it sucks. Sailor Moon. ai to seigi no, Sailor no Bishoujo Senshi - Sailor Moon! Tsukini kawatte oshioki yo!!! Star sticks became crystal sticks. mercury/Mars/Jupiter/Venus Crystal Power, Make Up!!! Sailor Soldiers theme plays. i hope I'll still have time around here to write my fanfics and my original piece. writing may be just a hobby, or so Mom says, but I'm devoted to it just the same, and I will keep writing, no matter what; like TV, it helps keep me sane in what seems like an insane world. all these kids and what-used-to-be-kids-a-few-weeks-ago, drinking, screwing around, partying their butts off, struggling through classes, spending all their free time studying; God!!! How can humans live like this?!!? I must write, I must watch television, I must keep my imagination going - I must keep creating my own worlds and immersing myself in them as much as possible while still functioning normally in the outside world. why write fiction, someone once asked? Someone quite succinctly answered, "Because reality bites!" I want to be like these people, and yet I do not; but then again, that's the way it is with me, always, isn't it? Human, yet inhuman, helper of men and destroyer of nations, this and that. i am always the great exception, one way or another. Mortal and immortal, good and evil, all abstract opposites do I embrace, and yet none can claim me fully. scientist, warrior, bard, clumsy, ugly oaf. i am what I am. What am I? I am Ronnel. i have been Evan, I have been Ryan, I have been Vance, I have been Vladimir, I have been Ethan, I have been Devon. a million assumed names over what feels like 11 lifetimes (but it's not; I know very well I'm just as mortal and human as the next guy - it's just that sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I guess you have these kind of odd thoughts when you have a world-generating imagination like mine. when you have pride like mine. arrogance like mine. insane and freaky judgment like mine. "I am a god! I am a god!! Damn you all who say it is not so!!!" goes a line from a book I've read. my roommate is on the phone again. talking with all of his friends who always call here, while no one really ever calls me except for Mom, who just calls to nag. not that I mind the solitude, it's just that taking messages and answering phones for someone else and not getting paid $11. 50 an hour for it can get really annoying really fast. He's talking about a friend who lives in a private dorm - I wish I lived in a private dorm. I don't think I'll ever be really happy unless I can have my own house - not a big house, mind you, just one about the size of the one I grew up in. Just my own little castle in suburbia with my own bathroom, my own bedroom, my own closet, my own kitchen, my own TV, my own stereo; a place where I don't have to share and I don't have to worry about what anyone else wants - hell, I want a place where I can go (and stay) and have no problems. No worrying about where my paycheck and financial aid are, where the closest bank is around here, what time I have to be at class, what assignments I have to do. I want to be able to sit around all day and do nothing if I so choose, and have no ill consequences come out of it whatsoever. Yeah, that's a world I'd love - a world with no problems and no ill consequences from anything done. Hmph, how funny - I've just described Sailor Moon's Crystal Tokyo of the 30th century. I want utopia. not a bad wish, when you really think about it, except that when I wished for it, I just wanted it for myself. I've noticed myself become more selfish and arrogant this past year- I wonder how that came out? Ah, well, forget about how - research that when you're in med school or have to write your next psych paper. For now, just condition yourself (whatever name you choose to use this time around) to be a good person, do your best, and keep writing about worlds where the good guys always win, problems can always be solved, and no matter how tragic things get, you can always have a happy ending. "Oh, what a beautiful dream; if it could only come true, you know, you knowith what we need is a great big melting pot* Okay, strike that; hate that song. Okay, it's been 20 minutes, so let's send this in and hope the Prof. doesn't think you're too crazy. In case you have doubts, Dr. Pennebaker, I'm not; at least, not to the untrained eye. okay, shut up- you're not helping your image. Just wrap this up, okay? WRAP THIS UP! All right, go!

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I think college is going to be the best part of my life. Coming from my high school, it seemed hopeless to find a place where I'd fit in. UT has such a wide diversity of people and so many ways to meet new people, that I think, I will have no problem finding someone like me. Of course, right now, I'm still a little shy about talking to people but hopefully that will change. I really want to join a soroity and become active in as many Hispanic and other multicultural events or projects as my schedule will allow. Maybe this will help me find the kind of people that can relate to me. Even though I only know a couple of people on campus, I feel more comfortable there than I ever did in high school. Outside of school, things are good at home. I have all the love and support than I can ever ask for from my family. Without them I don't know where I'd be. I love them very much. I don't know why I can't tell them that. I guess I'm just too stubborn. I also get a lot of support from my boyfriend. Even though I didn't really want a boyfriend, I'm glad he's there. He brings a lot of fun to my life. I hope school doesn't take away my time for him. I know its going to though, ecspecially if I join all the organizations that I want. Overall,I'm satisfied with everything. I know its going to be a long and hard four years, but I'm looking forward to walking the stage with an engineering major.

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26

After my first week at the University of Texas, my mind is filled with a mixture of thoughts and emotions. On one hand, I am excited about starting at a new school and the opportunities that await me. However, I also worry whether I'll be able to balance the social aspect of my life with the challenges of school. First and foremost in my mind presently is pledgeship, which is drawing constantly nearer. What am I going to have to do? How am I going to be able to stay at the house all night and do others' chores and keep a good GPA? It will surely be difficult, but I am fairly confident I can do it. I have always been successful at overcoming challenges in my life. The hardships of pledgeship combined with the rigors of being in the business honors program should make for a busy semester, to say the least. I feel a great amount of pressure to perform. I have to make at least a 3. 5 to stay in the BHP, and 3. 25 to keep my scholarship money. This is the root of the nervous feelings within me. There is also a great deal to be excited about this semester also. I am excited about the experiences I will have, the people I will meet, and the friends I will make. This semester will be unlike any other I've had in my life. Thinking of the times I've had in the past 9 days since I arrived here makes me certain I chose a great school to attend. The BHP will offer me incredible future opportunities, and the friendships I forge with my pledge brothers will last a lifetime. I still can't believe that I'm already in college and moved away from home. I will face a great number of challenges this semester, but I am excited about them and overcoming these challenges will make this semester all the more rewarding.

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5

I am so tired right now. I don't understand any of the psychology professor pennebaker is talking about. what does he mean is this a good experiment? How can you tell? I hope the si session will help. I can wait for Doug to come up here. I'm going to be so tired by sat. kris is nice, I hope I can get him a ticket. ;crap, meeting tonight. I need shoes though,. maybe ill skip it and go with Georgia, but I need to go to the store on the drag. its so cold in here. I miss sheniel. she is great. I need a nap. I hope Lauren doesn't get me sick, that would suck,. what is Chris going to do at the party. I hope Doug doesn't get upset with me for that. I don't have enough tshirts. I hope I can sneak him and bobby in. what are they going to do if I get caught? I don't know, Lauren did it successfully. I can't spell anything or type right. this assignment isn't hard, I hope they are all this easy because I know I'm going to have trouble in this class. I want it to rain real bad. I miss my mom and Amanda. I wonder what daddy is doing. I need some music in here. Doug better burn me a cd too. I can't believe my mom bought that frame for me. I wonder if she might like him now. I don't even see him now. maybe that's why she likes him. I don't want to get sick. I don't have a mommy. I sound like Elizabeth. very immature and youngish. I need to grow up, I'm referred to as a woman now. what ever. my hands and wrists hurt from typing. I'm not used to this. I hated my teacher. he was fat and old. why does my computer do that? It so annoying. I need to get excel on here. maybe I should buy it. 5 bucks not bad. damnit it's doing it again! I hate this. stupid red lines, I know I spelled it wrong! Eric is on again. I wish we were still good friends. why is the sun out? I want rain. my head itches. its too cold here. my right forearm is now aching. I need to take a shower. I should get started on that speech, I wonder if what I have is enough. I like Courtney. the is young looking. quiz. read chapter 5 and 14. Kara said she skimmed it. ill do that instead, easier. still have to skim psych. I hate that class. I'm such an idiot. shouldn't be in there. I want chocolate. why do I have to wait like that! Stupid computer. he sheneil! Yea, she's back. why? What's wrong with them. I'm sorry, I wish I could help you. that sucks. you maybe, mine are bothering me too. I'm getting too much drainage. I don't want to get sick. I haven't been coughing again, so that's good. this a such a weird assignment. I can't believe the thing said I haven't turned it in. I did it twice now. what a waste of time. he won't even read this. I could say fuck you pennebaker and he wouldn't know. not like id really say it, he is a funny guy, I am just dumb about his material. he doesn't stick to the book and give us good notes. I hate experiments. shit I still have to do economics. I can't get the hang of this college thing. Eric is gone. I wanted to talk to him when I was done with this. I love Dave. I can't wait until Friday. at least I can sleep on the way up there. I still have 10 minutes left. damn this assignment. I like sheneil a lot. its weird to know I'm saying one thing to her and thinking another. I'm so bored. I have other things to be doing instead of this. ok, think a little bit more about the speech and read, no skim, the rest of ch2 for psy, like that will help. this is hard because I can't spell and this computer is retarded. I hate this ;laptop! Who invented this anyways. I don't even take it to class. because I can't type and all my notes would not make any sense. sorry grandma. oh well, she doesn't know. I want chocolate right now. Laurens cookies. brynn is a very weird girl. I'm going to ha to spell check this, I hope that's allowed, other wise. well they wont read it anyways. www. psy. utexas. edu/what is is? Jp301 I think. I hate this chair. I want my one from home. i'll get it later when I go home. gnome? what is that? Ok time up

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17

Here I am at UGL with Hyojin and Lois. They are both doing their homework and studying. All I've done since I got here is waste my time and distract my friends from doing their work. I should be doing my reading for tomorrow, but I keep procrastinating, so I decided to finish my assignment for Psychology instead. There is so much reading to do in college. It's kind of over whelming, but I guess it's all about time management. I can't wait until the weekend. Not for any particular reason, just because the weekend is the best and most relaxing part of the week. Oh, and also, I'm going back to Dallas this weekend with my brother. It's my mom's birthday. What should I get her for her birthday? I asked her and she keeps telling me not to get her anything for her birthday, but I'm pretty sure that translates into "get me something good. " Actually, that would be me. Mom's not really like that. Maybe I really shouldn't get her anything. I don't know, I don't think she's going to have a very happy birthday though. Especially after the news she heard about our cousins. What is wrong with my uncle? Why is he abandoning his family like that? I think my aunt might have asked my mom for money. Oh well, I guess my parents will figure something out. I wonder where my friends went? They just disappeared. I guess they both left while I was writing this thing and now I'm left all alone. Maybe I should eat some of those Goldfish. No, I cannot. I vow not to gain the "freshman fifteen". I'm tired. I wonder if I'm even doing this assignment right. I hope so. I really want to do well this semester. Yea! 4. 0! Well, we'll see. Psychology's such a big class though. I wonder if they're going to go through and read each one of these. Probably not. Actually, I think the professor was saying that they weren't going to. So I could just write a whole bunch of nonsense and I guess they wouldn't even notice. My sociology professor cusses a lot. I don't really mind, but every time he does it, I'm kind of taken aback. Sociology's actually really interesting. More interesting than I thought it would be. Maybe I should be a sociology major. Maybe not. I need to hurry and declare my major. I feel so lost as a Liberal Arts undecided student. Actually you know what though? All my classes are kind of similar. Maybe it's because they're all sciences but they're all talking about scientific method and random sampling. Maybe that's because it's the beginning. My friend came back. She took a long time. I want to talk to her and ask her where she went, but I can't until I finish recording my thoughts for psychology. My gum is getting really nasty, all soft and about to dissolve. I feel like my teeth are rotting. I should really stop chewing gum. I feel like my jaws are expanding. I heard that somewhere, that if you chew a lot of gum, your jaws will expand. Where did I hear that? Oh well, time's up. I hope I did the assignment right.

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28

Wow, that psychology chapter is really long. I am so mad at myself for letting myself get so far behind already. Hello, it's only my third week of school and I am already more behind than I ever want to be. I wonder if typing on my computer bothers Gina as much as it bothers me when she does it. Do I have enough selfdiscipline to make myself catch up on all this stuff or am I just going to keep procrastinating until I absolutely have to get it done, like the night before a test. I really hope I can make myself catch up because then I can go out and have fun and not have to worry about what I have to do when I get home. I don't know why I let that bother me so much. Last night, I wasn't really having any fun at all and they all said it was the funnest party of the year. I wonder if it's because I didn't get completely wasted or if it's because I don't like their idea of fun, or if I was just in a bad mood. And why would they think there's something going on between me and Gerardo. EWW! I mean he's nice, but come on. I thought this wasn't going to be like high school. Shouldn't I be able to be friends with a guy without everyone thinking there's something going on between us? Eww! Oh, well. I hope I have more fun with them soon. I would hate to have just joined this organization that they all seen to be totally into and me just not like it at all. I want to be able to gush about how much I love it to all of my friends and family back home and the ones here. What if it turns out I hate Longhorn Singers? That would really be a shame. What if I can't find any organizations I can really get into here? Like the whole dance thing. I looked at UT Dance Team and they looked like a drill team trying to dance with really bad choreography. And the Roustabouts just seems a little too provocative for me even though I think jazz is so fun. Why does it have to be all about sex (as Bryanne says) I really want to take some kind of jazz class because I need to expand my horizons so I can move to New York or Los Angeles and be a dancer on Broadway or a backup dancer for some music artist or in someone's music video. Would it be great if I could just dance and sing and get paid enough money for it that I could live comfortably? If that was guaranteed, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I wonder if this is what I'm really passionate about. All the advisors and professors here keep telling us to find something that we really love to do. I mean I have so much fun when I dance and perform in front of people and to just learn new dances and watch myself in the mirror all day would be paradise to me. It would just be fun a job of pure fun. But, come on, who really gets to do what they really want to do. Who really wants to be a lawyer or a garbage man? People do what they do to make money and I think that's so sad, but I'm one of those people, too. Money is important to me. It doesn't rule my life but it is definitely a factor. I don't want to work my butt off at something and not get paid what I deserve or what I've earned for it. And our society is just completely out of whack. Why do basketball players get paid millions of dollars and still miss free throws? Why are teachers so underpaid? They should be some of the highest paid people in the world, I think. Because of them, we are able to learn. We would be nowhere without our teachers. That's such a shame. It pitiful that our society is that out of touch with reality. Just look at Hollywood. What a mixed up place that is, yet it looks like so much fin to me. I would love to be famous. To have everyone in the world or at least in the country know who you are and idolize you and you be a role model to them. That would be a blast. All you would do is socialize all day and make the occasional movie here and there or pose for a few magazines. Go to awards shows, and travel. I want to travel so bad and learn all different foreign languages. But I don't want to learn them part way. I want to be fluent in the way that I don't use words in the wrong context so that people in that country think I'm stupid like we do when someone can't speak our language correctly. I wonder what that would be like to change cultures. No one would know anything about you or your past. Like Ludwig. You could be a total loser/reject in our society and be a heartthrob/most popular kid in school in another country. And you're kind of mysterious because no one knows any thing about you.

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24

Today I had a fairly busy day I believe as I am feeling a bit tired right now. I wonder what time it is. Oh it's 9:14 P. M. right now so I guess I can continue writing this assignment. HaHa I'm just kidding. I feel good about myself right now because earlier today I helped somebody out who needed it. She is my sister's friend, I guess an acquaintance for me, and one of the tires on her car got a flat. She and my sister both didn't know what to do, so my sister called me and I came and fixed her tire for her. After that she bought my sister and me dinner as a way to say thanks. I feel better now than I used to about a week and a half ago because I tried out for the marching band here but I didn't make it. I was really depressed for a day or two because I've been involved with band for the past seven years of my life in high school and middle school. But after awhile I began to realize a few of the benefits of not being in band. For example, I don't have to buy those stupid white plastic shoes all the members are required to wear so I can save some money. Also I have A LOT more free time than I've had in a long time. It feels really good to be able to take long naps in the middle of the day without having to worry about practice" at 6 P. M. in the evening and interrupting my sleep. Man, that timer on the top of the screen is going really slow. It says it has only been eight minutes but it feels like twenty already. My wrists are beginning to hurt. I want to listen to music on my computer right now but I can't because my roommate is on his cell phone talking to his friend and I know my music will only bother him. We don't share the same taste in music. In fact, I think we are as far as possible in our tastes in that category. I think these chairs they give us for our dorms are very uncomfortable. I mean, they're completely wooden with no cushioning at all. You would think that in the honors dorm we would get special treatment of some kind, but so far I think we are being treated the exact same way as the freshmen who are going to drop out at the end of the semester. It's hard to concentrate right now because I usually need music to help me concentrate. I like the upbeat kind of music that has a constant bass drum playing really loudly on all of the down beats. I also like classical music and music that has drums and stringed instruments at the same time. I'm not sure what the kind of music is called, though. However, I don't like oldies or country music at all. In fact, I hate that kind of music. That's why my roommate and I don't share the same tastes. He likes that kind of music. I just heard somebody running down the hall of my floor at a really high rate. I wonder what they were in such a hurry for at 9:30P. M. Maybe he was running to get more beer for the party. Just kidding again. No need to get investigators up here or anything. But earlier today there was some really loud music coming down the hall and the voices of about fifteen to twenty people, so something was definitely going on. I was thinking about emailing that DJ guy for our class. I don't remember his name, though. I have some suggestions for songs he could use for our class, and one of them would correlate nicely because the song is about some guy who loses his mind and doesn't think he is. He thinks everybody is wrong who is trying to help him. OK! I only have one minute left. After this, I think I'm going to get ready for bed because all this Sigmund Freud type psychology assignment is making me a lot more sleepy. I think changing that tire made me a lot more sleepy than I thought I was when I first started typing this.

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30

Wow this is actually a cool writing assignment. I would have never expected to be asked to sit here at my computer and just write what I am thinking for a 20 minute period. I have just gotten back from a meeting about the Texas Lonestars organization and LOVED it! The only problem is that I am just a freshman still getting use to the whole college life and time management thing. I am kind of stressed out (but not nearly as bad as I know I can get sometimes) just because I am pre med and I know that I really need to concentrate on my grades and school work while also getting involved. Getting involved, however has never been a problem for me. I love to be involved in everything. Now that is a problem because if I spread myself too thin I am not going to be able to put forth my best in each venue. I know for sure that I want to do something involving dance because it has been such an intricate part of my life for so long and is truly one of my passions. I am going to try out for the Roustabouts and the Steel Dance Company. I am beginning to get nervous just because I haven't really gotten the chance to practice anywhere here since I've been away from home. I hope that I am able to keep my grades really good while also having fun and enjoying my college experience. I know that I am here to get an education, but it's obvious to everyone that college doesn't just teach you knowlege in your courses that are suppose to be preparation for your career, but it's also a learning experience for life lessons. I feel that just in the week and a half that I have been here I have already become more responsible and determined. It has been kind of hard switching from not only my hometown to a new, huge city, but also from summer and relaxation and the feeling of "yey school is over" to "wow, my life is just beginning, along with lots of studying that I don't really want to do. " My life has just been kind of awkward lately anyway. I know that things are suppose to change when you go off to college in so many ways especially through your habits and relationships and mine definitely has. The fact that my family has been going through changes of its own has made me feel somewhat distant and like I don't belong. Yet, the funny thing is that I don't really care or maybe it's that I don't know how to make the effort to fit in again. My first time to go home will be to a different home than the one that I've lived in for the past four years (even though I lived there when I was younger) and I feel like it will just be weird to see how my family's lives have just king of carried on without me. I won't really understand my mom's relationship with the guy she is dating or how my brother is experiencing or enjoying high school. My dad is perhaps the only one that I will probably still feel just about the same with because I am use to not seeing him all the time. My time is almost up and as of right now I am just really hoping that, even though I may not be showing my priority to God right now, he will really just step into my life and help me control it in the right direction.

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24

Jesus Christ, what exactly is this showing me again? That I can't find anything better else to do than avoid going to work? Great. Oh well, that's life I suppose. I don't really think I'm a cynic, but you're the psyc here, so after your reading this, please consider that I'm a cynic only for humor, not because I hate the world or anything. You're reading the thoughts of someone who is a huge fan of people like Dennis Leary, now how can you be a fan of Dennis Leary without being a fan of cynicism? Well, what other great questions I'm I to ask during my 20 minutes? Who the hell knows. I'm listening to one of the few Beatles songs that really just nag at my thought train right now, and I can't change the damn station because I have to keep typing. Isn't this just perfect? Well, I suppose that too is just part of the assignment. I use to like this song, "Hello" I thin is the name of it. "You say goodbye, I say hello" I'm sure you know it. It just occurred to e that I'm writing to you, such that this would be a letter, well, I don't think that was supposed to be the way it was intended, you're probably looking for that in my letter you some sort of study, eh? Well, I guess chalk up one for the "he wrote this assignment like it was a letter" category. I do that sometimes I suppose. Just kind of drift off into something not quite exactly like what I'm supposed to be doing. I think it's quite alright, however. I don't see how I'll get anywhere interesting in life doing what only is 'supposed' to be done. So, I suppose. wow, I sure do say 'suppose' a lot in my head. What's that a sign of Mr. Psyc? Maybe one day, I'll be able to pull out a book and write off to people what they seem to fit into according to famous psychologists. Hopefully not though. Hopefully I'll have enough common sense to understand the person, their feelings, and my experiences will guide me to a conclusion on how to help them help themselves without any drugs or unnecessary qualification into a group that some ancient shrink made up. Wow, just in time to look at the clock, looks like I'm almost half way there. I wonder if anyone else in the class types this fast. If not, I bet mine's the longest. I seem to have a somewhat active mind, and since I'm typing fast enough to record a good deal of the thoughts I'm encountering, I should have one of the longer entrees. Not that that is a good or bad I thing, I don't *suppose* Look there, I even had time to put in those neat little asterisks to emphasize that I used the word suppose again. How cute. This thing has to be several hundred words by now. I think I think in short-blocks sometimes. I'm not to sure if that's good or bad. The advantage of short-blocks would be that I'm moving on from one thing to another associated thing pretty quickly, meaning that I'm not stagnating in my thoughts. However, a stagnation in thought can cause a nicer, deeper, if you will, reflection on the topic. Usually this allows me to get to a bit further point in the conversation with myself. I wonder what I'm going to eat for lunch. I'm really not to sure. I've got to go to work. Or at least I should. I could use the extra money. rrGeeze, I could dick those guys around so hard and they'd still ask me to come back. You have to understand that I'm pretty damn good at what I do, and my co-workers and supervisors all realize this. So, when it comes time for me to go back to school, they all say, "oh well, you're going to at least stay on par time, right, Matt?" Well, I'd really rather not stay there, I'm quite tired of their inability to do much at all properly. But, money is money, and where else am I going to find someone to pay me part-time hours (15 a week) and get $11. 25/hr for it. I don't have a degree or nothing substantial to demand a higher pay somewhere else. Just knowledge. I suppose if "Proct" was some science that not too many people about, then you wouldn't be able to get a degree in "Proct" so people would have to hire you simply on how much you knew. Well, that's the way my job is. Granted there are related fields to mine where a degree or a certification can help your resume. But not what I do specifically. So, have you guessed what my field is yet? I've given several clues. I'm now listening to the Alman Brother's song "Jessica" It's a great tune. They just jam along to it, but you can tell a piece of someone's love is in that song. I mean, someone laid a piece of their soul into he music, and when they recorded it, it carried right over into it. The kind of music where you get a chill running down your spine, and then you realize what a good mood you're in. You can have chill-sending songs that are sad, but 'I like the happy ones, they are fewer in number than the sad ones. "Jessica" is clearly about a girl, and a girl and a love that made someone very happy. I hope they enjoyed their time together though, because it sounds like the author is just reminiscing. Like it was a summer love or something a bit stronger than that. really like the idea though. Very nice all the way around. A summer love that was beautiful and both enjoyed, but for some 3rd party reason, they had to step aside and let fate take its course, and take them away from each other. It's the definition of looking back on the good times, not the bad. It's not an easy thing to do, you must admit, it takes practice to only see the good parts. But also still keep the bad parts in mind for reference. It's like a library, your memory. In proper shape, it lets you check out the good memories to take and enjoy. But the bad memories are reference only. That way you can't get too bogged down in them. Or at least that's the way I try to keep mine setup. What do you think? Probably think I'm a silly little kid trying to edge philosophy into an assignment to impress you? Not really, the thought occurred to me, but how would that help me? Besides, wouldn't be very honest now would it? Lots of rhetorical questions there, eh? Well, I've only got a few seconds left. So know that all this is straight out of my mind, and frighteningly enough, it's this active all the time. I may just be sitting somewhere, but I'm thinning away. Surely a Pscy thinks that's good, right. All done. 20 minutes right up there.

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30

Right now I'm thinking about the situation I am going through with my two roommates. School has just started and it looks like we will soon be at each others' throats. I really hope we can find a way to not get on each others' nerves because we are such good friends. I'm also thinking about my life and the new frontiers I am beginning to encounter. I can't stop thinking about how the next four years of my life are going to turn out. I hope everything is as great as everyone says it is and has been. I also miss my mom very much. Even though I don't talk to her everyday on the phone, I can hear speaking to me with her heart. The same thing goes for me too. My classes and keeping a responsible daily routine are at the top of my priority list right now. I don't want anything to interfere with me doing an exceptional job in all of my courses. It really is a big change for me being here at a university. Back home school was a breeze. Now I can actually feel that I'm going to have to study, which will be a first for me. The good side to that is that I like challenges. One of my friends from back home, who is really close to me, is planning to move to Florida. There isn't anything wrong with that because he's "in love". I hope that he's making the right decision with the move and with her. I really care about him and I wouldn't want him to get hurt in any way. Although, I have a strange feeling that she might be the one for him. Either way he always has a lucky star just waiting to fall on him so that somewhat takes away a bit of my worriness. My other friends who are very close to me are still in my hometown going to school over there. I miss them all the time but I know that me being here is the best thing for me. For some reason I can't stop thinking about a girlfriend of mine who lives in San Antonio because she is attending St. Mary's University. There has always been an unspoken romance between us but we have never actually been together because we have never brought it up, but we know that something is there.

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12

So here goes. I am really starting to stress out about all this college stuff. It seems like my to-do list just keeps getting longer and the time I have to complete everything just keeps shrinking. I hope and pray that as time goes by I will learn to better deal with all the pressures associated with college life. It has been so hard to find a way to balance the fun with the work. But as my brother once told me, you must work hard in order to play hard. I'm trying to keep that thought in my head constantly, and keep thinking positive about my situation. I'm hoping that I can pull it off and walk away from this first semester satisfied with my accomplishments and confident about my college semesters to come. Well enough about that. I'm really starting to miss my family a lot. I think that is really lame but I can't help it really. Like I love Austin and school and everything but there is just something about my good ole hometown of Sunnyvale, Texas that I miss incredibly. I went home last weekend and had a blast reuniting with all my old friends. Gosh I love my friends here but its just not the same. There is just something about the familiar that keeps me constantly wanting to latch on to it and never leave. But I know that that is impossible for someone like me who constantly strives to better myself and achieve my goals. And UT is the place to do it. I love this place! The people sometimes freak me out but its nice to be exposed to strange people for a change. I am so excited about this weekend! One of my best friends from back home is coming to visit and I keep thinking about what we are going to do all weekend! Gosh you know what. I'm really starting to worry about the whole freshman 15" theory! Because I sure do eat a lot these days. The food is just constantly in front of you so its difficult to resist! Its not like at home where you have to make yourself something because your mom refuses to wait on you. No here the food is just there and all you have to do is go to it! Its great! Its amazing to me how different college life is from high school. Like in high school everyone cared about everyone else's business and there were like cliques and stuff but not here. No one cares about anyone else's business at all. people are just concerned with themselves. And another thing that is so great is the total absence of rules! Like you can do whatever the heck you want and NO ONE will tell you that you are wrong or that you can't do something. Oh it really makes me laugh how in college classes if you suddenly get the desire to get up and walk out of class while the professor is talking, you can! I laugh every time I see people doing that in my classes. I would never be able to make myself do that because I'm too much of a chicken but I think its so funny! Gosh. I'm really starting to get hungry again. that is so bad! NO! I can't eat again! I am really not looking forward to going to class again at 7pm. that is really late and I'm extremely tired! I really hope that I can find a date to Anchors Away. that is really bugging me. I wish I knew exactly who I wanted to take and who wanted to go so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore! Alright well the time on this thing is officially almost over so I'm going to stop babbling about stuff that no one is interested in except for me. haha! This was good. its kind of a way to let your problems go all at once. I actually feel better to get all this out and see my thoughts on paper. Not to mention that I feel better knowing that this writing assignment is out of my hair so that is one less thing I have to worry and stress out about. Well that is all I have to say for myself at this point and time! Peace!

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Today I skipped class for some reason. I don't know why I do these things. I know it is bad and I have nothing better to do, yet continuously I do this. What am I going to do with this major I have selected?. I don't even know if I what to stay in school. I want to work on my boat, and that is all. I need to finish the floors, fiberglass them. Add the carpet, insulate the cooler. Do all the engine work, hopefully the thing will run without incident. I need to buy coil wire, gas, carpet, foam padding, more fiberglass resin, collector gaskets, I already have the spark plugs. I hope nothing goes wrong because I accidentally hit the tab button and the web page backed up on me. If so when it happened I was five minutes into writing the paper. This keyboard is vastly uncomfortable and the next twelve minutes are going to suck. I am now typing with just one finger. I want Roy to bring his boat out this weekend. We could use my truck to put it in the water so I can look cool. That is of course if I fix the bastard. I wonder if someone reads this. What if I were to type a bunch of curse words. How would my grade change. Too bad I won't try this because my GPA sucks as it is right now, therefore I must be as courteous as possible. My hand now hurts extremely bad and I still have seven more minutes. Now I stood up to see if it helps my hands. It seems to work as long as I use the one finger method. I keep hitting the wrong buttons. I wonder if I could sue the professor for damage to my hands due to this project? Too bad the professor does not make jack for pay. I need to find a rich bastard to sue so I no longer have to attend school. If someone reads this I wonder if they think I am as sick as I really am. In case of technical difficulties my name is Steve Gernon. Not that a TA would have the brains, oops sorry about that. At this point there is one minute and I cannot wait. It's the best moment of my life. I can now leave this god awful position and get on with my life.

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4

Ready, set, go. Wow, my grammar has gotten pretty bad. I wonder if this thing has, I hate these stupid pop ups, spell check. I just woke up, feel pretty worthless. Saw Pink Floyd played to the Wizard of Oz last night pretty cool probably cooler if I was stoned. Only been stoned once before, didn't like it, no desire to do it again. I'm a beer girl. Need to work out, clothes don't fit as well as they use to. Josh won't like that. I'm glad Laura is coming this weekend I hope she has fun. I really miss my family, I hope my sister can can, Fuck these pop ups, come up next weekend for Austin City Limits. I don't know where anyone went, they're probably eating lunch. Damn, 11 more minutes, I don't really know what else to write about, maybe or is maybe if I turn on some music. This is one of my favorite songs, I like it better than the original, I think it was remade for Good Will Hunting, it makes me feel so. I don't know, introspective. Bad word, but can't think of anything else. I love words, probably the only reason I did well on the SAT. Damn I'm still so tired, don't know why, must have slept for at least twelve hours. I think I might be getting sick. Spring break best vacation of my whole life, some of my favorite memories. Memories are an odd thing. I wonder why you remember the things you do. Walked into the GEO building the other day and the smell of it-deja vu-it was such an odd feeling, and I can't quite pin point what it reminded me of. I wish I knew. Deja vu is such a weird thing I knew more about it- what triggers it and everything, maybe some day.

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THE FOLLOWING HAS BEEN TRANSCRIBED FROM PAPER EXACTLY AS IT WAS WRITTEN (INCLUDING ALL MISTAKES, MISSPELLS, ETC): Let's see. its really hard to do this assignment because I find I have trouble doing this assignment I messed up there. It's hard to write down your own thoughts because I find that even as I am writing this I am already thinking something else. It's hard to get into the right mindset because as I'm writing this I feel like okay. i'm writing a paper for psychology, not I'm writing down my thoughts. What I was going to say above before I messed up was that I can't or rather, I'm having a hard time with this assignment because I can't, I mean I have trouble doing something on cue or when someone tells me to do something. It's difficult to do something that usually comes naturally when someone gives you certain perameters to do it in. Its like someone telling you to go the bathroom when you don't have to. Or its kind of like when some one tells you "Don't think of an elephant" what's the first thing you think of? In this assignment, its like you're telling us, "Don't think of it as writing a paper for a psychology" Or was that the whole point?--to see if we could write down our thoughts freely and as they come to us without--oh @#&*! I lost my words or I don't know how to word what I was thinking rather. I find that this happens to me often. I really don't feel like I'm writing down my thoughts, I feel more like I writing an entry in a diary or journal. Hmmm. i wonder when my friend Christine is going to call, I hope soon because I need to get the store before it closes--todays Sunday so everything closes early. I hate waiting for phone calls because I hate that feeling of not knowing when they are going to call. You expect the phone to ring any minute but at the same time not to. It just happed again--in the middle of the previous sentence I had to pause because I wasn't quite sure how to word myself. Sometimes you have feelings that cannot be expressed in words (at least for someone like myself--I'm no Shakespeare). I'm writing this down on paper & I'm going to type it later. I've just had to switch to--oh never mind-that really wasn't what I was thinking. I really wish this stupid cold would go away. I keep sniffling every 5 seconds and coughing too. Times almost up--1 more minute. I can't think now with that in mind. so I'll end here.

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22

Here I sit in the Jester computer lab, wishing that I didn't have to be here. Why don't I have a computer, better yet, why don't I have a friend that will let me use their computers? College is not like what I thought it would be. It definitely is as hard as I thought it might be, school work wise, but I thought that the friends part would come easily. I have spent 14 years of my life living overseas with americans. It was a military base in Asia. The people in Dodds schools systems are incomparable to the people in America. They are open-minded and excepting. I was raised to believe that all man-kind was this way. I figured than when I got to college I would miss my old friends, but be glad to meet some more great people in this world. But here I sit, in this lab, alone. It's not like what I expected, and worse than I ever thought. I walk around alone, and although there are worse things, I use to be known for being loud and fun. I was the person that everybody knew, and everybody liked. I was somebody on my tiny base, and in my little high school of a hundred people. But here, I am another face in the crowd. Of course I didn't expect college to be just like Turkey (where my base was), but I didn't expect to have no friends at all. People haven't even given me a chance here. I'm just hoping that things get better. They say that everybody has the same fears that I do, but then I see a ton of people hanging out with friends. Not everybody is in my boat, all of my friends are either across the Atlantic Ocean, or at least in another state. I don't want to be a pessimist, and I definitely don't want to dwell on the bad, but it gets difficult when everything that I do everyday is a reminder that I am alone. And here I sit in the computer room typing this thing, not because there isn't a computer in my room, but because it is my room mate's, and she won't let me use it. I let her use anything of mine, I don't even understand how people can actually be so stingy and be okay with themselves. My friends have always come before my possessions, and people's feelings have always come first, and I always know when somebody is feeling down, and I have always tried to help them. I am waiting for that what goes around, comes around" saying to come into action for me. Also, I had decided to be a teacher overseas for my life anyways, have my children grow up like me. This has at least cemented my life goals for me. My children are definitely growing up in a military school overseas. The people there are very warm and accepting, and living among cultures makes everyone open-minded. I don't like the way that the people act here, and most of them don't even realize what they are missing in this world. They just turn up their noses and avoid people who are different, and don't like any kind of changes. I have been through two evacuations from my base, and I was just fine. I think that I can probably handle a lot more than other people, and had they been stuck in a situation like mine, a new place with nobody that they know, they might be feeling just like me. But I do know that I will get over this, and I will feel even more blessed to see my friends and live back overseas; and I will be positive that I am doing the right thing when I give the life to my children that I had growing up. I think that it shaped my character in a good way, and if anybody here were open-minded and accepting enough to talk to me, maybe they would understand that as well. anyways, I'm back, still here in this lab on this same computer. I'm still here in this school with no body that I know. People keep on coming in and out. Do they maybe feel like I do? It is so weird to be standing in a crowd of more than 500 people, and not knowing anybody's name. But that is 500 people that I could get to know if they gave me the chance. That thought use to make me happy, now I hate the idea. I miss my old life. But I wonder, if I feel like this, there has to be at least one other person that feels like me. One other person who feels like they don't know anybody. That thought doesn't make me happy, but optimistic that maybe I will be able to meet people sometime. In the mean time, I am thankful for all of the true friendships that I made during my time spent else where, and I am glad that I at least have a loving family and friends to pick up the phone and call, no matter how far they may reside from me, I know that they care. I no that no matter how alone I am on campus, I am not alone in the world, and every night I go to sleep thinking of my friends, and smiling. And I know that in my four or five years here, I will at least make one friend. Maybe even tomorrow, so I'm just going to stop stressing about today, and pick up the phone and call a loved one for now.

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I want to listen to more music. I don't know what song to download next. But oh well. I love listening to music when I study. I wonder why? I like listening to rock and alternative. That is weird I guess. Most people would listen to classical or other soothing music. But I like studying to louder, cooler music. I guess that makes me weird. I wonder how things are going at home. I want to go back this weekend, but I know that I can't. I have a lot of work I want to do, and I really want to finish my Calculus before the due date. I should sign up for tutoring down at Jester. So far the class has been ok though. I understand what the teacher is saying, and I am not having that much trouble with my homework. I hope my boyfriend comes to see me this weekend. But I know that he is going to be really busy with his internship. He has to finish it soon so that he can pay more attention to his school work. I guess I may be asking to much of him. I don't want to pressure him to come, so maybe I won't mention it. I still wish he could come though. I wonder how Molina is doing? She is like 5 months already. She is getting pretty big. I wonder if she knows that Natalie is having twins. So many girls are pregnant back home, that is kinda sad. Most of them are really smart, and they could have done so much with their lives. I'm cold. I wish I could turn of the air conditioner. Well, at least it's better than it being hot. Norma still hasn't figured out how to turn off her alarm yet. It keeps beeping every hour. It is getting on my nerves. I wonder if I take the batteries out if she would mind. I'm thirsty. I should get some water. But I don't want water, but that is all I have. I need to get a job. I don't know how I am going to pay for the spring semester. I can barely pay for the housing as it is. I need more money. I hope everything is going ok at the Ranch. We need the place to do better, or if not than one of us is going to have to quit school. I don't want to quit, but if it comes down to one of us having to leave, then I would rather it be me. My brother is doing well, and my sister only has a year to go. I have only barely started, I can wait a bit longer to go to school. Till then, I can help out at home, and work with my parents at our restaurant. My foot went to sleep. I should move so it can wake up. I have so much work to do today. I need to study and reads a lot of stuff for class. I wonder how my friends are doing in class. I want to see Vanessa. She should have told me that she got married 2 weeks ago. She said she forgot to tell me that she had gotten married. That is a stupid reason. How can someone forget that they had gotten married? I won't get mad though. I am happy for her. I wonder if Manny will ever ask me to marry him. Sure we have talked about it, and we both have said we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but still. Knowing him, he will get very nervous and scared and not want to ask me because I could say no. It is just like when he wanted to ask me out. I knew he liked me and he knew I liked him, but he couldn't ask me. So I finally made him ask me. I said,? We are not going anywhere until you ask me. ? So he finally did. I hope him asking me to marry him won't be the same way. That is definitely not how I picture my future husband proposing. Well my time is almost up, but I need to keep going. Norma is back in the room. She can never get her days straight. She just left again. I guess she is going to the bathroom. Wow, time is almost really up. Time flies by when you are just typing what your thinking. I think that is really cool. Oh well. My time is up now. But I am still thinking. I have pretty much said my life's story, that is really weird. I thought all I would put down was how my day had gone. You know, like a lot of crap just to fill up space. I should stop now because I have a lot more things to do. I think I will stop now.

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10

Okay, I thought right now would be the best time to do this. I'm alone and can think aobut what's going on. These last couple of weeks and been great as in school wise but my personal life has been shitty. We got into a wreck where alcohol was involved and the thing was the driver was designated and had nothing to drink and it was the other guys fault. Somehow with our parents we though we could cover it up aobut the alcohol but they found out aobut everything. This is all that keeps playing over and over right now. Where did we mess up? Well the past is the past and you can't change it. My dad came down and was very disappointed. He didn't know I had been drinknig for 1 and half years now and I don't evne get drunk. I get a buzz and I'm good. I have a few drinks every now and then not even all the time. For some reason he doesn't beleive it. He was furious. He's always trusted me for everything and never thought I'd mess up like this. I do good in school graduated top 2% of my class and everything. I have always done good in school and put school first jsut like my parents taught me too. I never wanted to disappoint my parents. I kept it so none of my little mess-ups would ever reach them. So they would think of me as they saw me everyday. This last senior year I started going to parties and hanging out with different people. I'm a real easy going person. The way I think is that I don't care aobut anything. I let things happen. I make the decisions that I think are right at the time and let whatever happen. I like to make people happy. I'm one of those people that when someone is arguing aobut something I let them argue and win. If they think they are right than they feel good. As for me I don't care. I know I'm right or wrong and I let it be, as lngo as their happy it's all good. So aobut the drinknig I have no idea what lead me to it. I used to be a very shy and not really outgonig person. Everyone liked me but I never tlaked oir anything but people knew me just because I was the only Indian at my school and I was easy gonig and friendly. I hate no one, I think everyone has a good side as long as they don't screw me over. Once someone screws me over than I don't like them but until then I try to get along with everyone. Well I guess that's why I staretd drinkngi to get my shyness away. Very bad excuse, I know. My dad thinks it's peer pressure. Peer pressure has never gotten to me I odn't think. I have a strong will about serious things. If I think it's bad and will do something to me I don't like than I won't do it. I tried weed too because I wanted to know the feeling and after researching that it won't cause damage liek other drugs. I tried smokngi cigars and cigarettes jsut to try it and I have astma so I decdie that wasn't for me. I never did really like the idea aobut smokngi. So so I decdied to stick to drinking because after a couple of times I liked the feeling. It was something different to get awya kind of form reality and really let yourslef go but at the same time still know what your doing. My mind goes from one thing to another right now jsut cause of my dad. My mom doesn't know anything which she would probably cry if she found out and that would make me the guiltiest person ever. I would hate that. My dad I don't know. As I sit here thikngi aobut him I feel more and mroe sorry. He came yesterday and gave me a lecture and I said I wouldn't dirnk anymroe but in a way that didn't sound half-true because I couldn't be sincere I thought it was bullshit. A few drinks every now and then can't hurt. Well I know it can but still it's weird I don't know how to explain. Well he came today again and tried to have anothe rone on one. Me and my dad rarely talk I talk to my mom aobut my problems, so I got angry this afternoon and totally went off when he asked me if I was still going to dirnk and if I had done any other drugs. He doesn't trust me me anymore. That hurts the worst. I'm not a eprson to show my feelings ever because I l;iek to think things thorugh. Right now I feel very guilty. I totally blew my dad off this afternoon and I saw the hurt in his eyes and my dad is rarely a person to show his feelings. I guess I get it from him. It's weird. So now I'mthinkngi aobut how I can make it up. I got a e-mail from one of my ex-best friend that's a gurl. We tried gonig out but it didn't work and then firendship fell thorugh too. But somehow we're still really close even thoguh we don't talk to each other anymore. My dad was discussing me with his best friends who is the girl's father. She said I sohuld stop drinknig and that my dad was really hurt. For some reason I still lsiten ot her so I'm reallyt thikngi abut callnig my dad and saying sorry and sincerely saying that I'm going to stop drinknig. I really do want to stop now. I know I can stop if I put my mind to it. I don't need alcohol anymore. One night can ruin the next 6 years haha. It's crazy

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Humm. This is very different from anything I've had to do before. My finger really hurts right now because I cut it last weekend, pretty deep too, I probably should have had stitches but I didn't. Now I'm going to have a scar on my finger tip and it really hurts to type anything, especially on this keyboard because I'm in a computer lab. I'm not used to this keyboard, I like the one on my laptop but my room mate is asleep so I can't really hook it up right now. I wanted to just plug the internet into my laptop somewhere else, but I couldn't find anyplace, I tried the port in the study lounge but it's disabled. Then I had trouble getting on a computer here. I don't have an IF account because I'm in the business school, they just gave us the logins for that and I've never needed anything else. I'm just glad my friend came along because he logged on and let me submit this. I'm kind of tired. I haven't been sleeping well, I'm used to sleeping from like 8:00 in the morning until like twelve or one in the afternoon. This weekend I didn't sleep Friday night, and I partied Saturday night and didn't go to bed until like six in the morning on Sunday. I slept like nine hours then though because I had been up for forty-six. This week has been weird hours too. Sunday night I slept for like two hours, that wasn't bad, my body only needs like five hours of sleep or so before I wake up and can't go back to sleep. Anyways, two hours sunday night, then I got four on Monday night, none on Tuesday night, and then about three and a half last night. Now is like 4:30 I think, the clock on the computer says 3:39 but I think it's wrong because I thought the clock on the wall said like 4:15 when I came in from smoking a cigarette. MMM. cigarette sounds like a good idea but I have to study some more after this. The sleep schedule that I have is kind of weird with classes in the morning, but I've been doing a lot of studying lately. I hang out with my friends during the day and then study with a few of them at night. Tonight it was me and my friend Cimu and Kenchi studying, Cimu went to bed at like 3:30 or so. Kenchi is here now thank god or I wouldn't have been able to do this until the morning when my roommate wakes up. She goes to bed at like 11:30 and sleeps until like 10:00 in the morning. I don't understand how a person can sleep that long, I can try to go to sleep at a decent hour but it doesn't matter because I have to lay there for like an hour and a half before I fall asleep. Then once I finally do get to sleep I only sleep for like four or five hours, I just wake up, not to go to the bathroom or anything but I can't ever go back to sleep. I hate it when my alarm clock hasn't gone off yet and I wake up. If it's just like ten minutes before its set to go off, I don't mind. But when I wake up and there's an hour and a half or two hours left to sleep and I can't go back to sleep it sucks. Then I just have to lay there and be board when I could be studying. At least I found some other people that like to stay up all night though. Shaun is really cool, the other night we stayed up the whole night because we weren't really tired. He likes to sleep during the day but I just don't like to try to sleep. We hung out earlier in the day and then studied all night in the lounge beside the jester desk. We could have gone to a study lounge I guess, but we both have laptops and

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12

I have so much to do. I need to go get ready for track, but I would really like to sit down and relax. perhaps go outside and sit by the pool and catch some rays. I c9ompletly failed my music quiz. I wish I could have prepared better. I have been running around and it would feel so nice to just sit down and relax. What am I writing about. This seems so odd to 'sit here and write what I am thinking. I feel like I should be trying to keep my typing neat. and worry about spelling/grammar. Oh well. I am very sore. I wish that I didn't work out so hard because now I'm paying for it. I really need to go read my kinesiology work. I wonder if the person who reads this what she thinks, She must get so many strange responses. I hope this goes through the email system in time. I have random thoughts. I guess everyone's thoughts are random. I wonder How Catherine is doing. I really need to call her but I don't have the m money for this month to spend on more long distance calls. It's so weird being away from dad and mom. I almost miss the nagging, but I guess Kelly's taking their place. She really mad me mad last night. I wish she would be more considerate when getting dressed in the morning and ready for bed at night. The boyfriend thing is getting out of hand. Why doe's so someone want to go around and tell people that her boyfriend is psychotic? I hope Lauren's roommate mobes out so that I can talk about mobing in with Lauren at the end of the semester, but I feel bad leaving Kelly, but if she is going to be this much of a perfectionist and somewhat inconsiderate I have to look out for myself. I hope John is doing well with his Steave situation. I know that I could help him out, but I don't want to be the know it all little sister. John is so sweet and I don’t' want Steve to push him around. I think I've been writhing for a long time yep, it's been 20 min. bye.

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5

Boredom, music, bump my air conditioner makes a really funny sound the whole time. so glad my parents got me in the castillian. dip, dip cup, i hope someone drinks out of the dip cup someday. Whitney. Berry gatorade, spit. email, my dad, helpful. mom also. my computer is really great, my parents are so awesome. i wonder why things have such long expiration dates. frisbee football, weekend, what am i going to do tonight? zelda. halo, i can't believe all we ever do is play video games. jeez someone is playin music really loud, i think its rock music, i can't tell through the wall, all i can hear is bump. i should call someone and go somewhere, i wish my roomates didnt have class on friday, so bored! What are we going to do tonight, im glad that i went to school with so many people from my high school, im glad i have so many people to depend on here. I wonder who UT plays in football this week, i hope my fantasy football team does well this week. I hope the eagle defense does better than the steelers. I hope troy brown does better than eric moulds. i don't know if i should start plaxico or keyshawn. tough decision. Water, no expiration date on water, kroger. they gave me a kroger plus card for nothing, i don't even shop there, i wonder why they did that. stupid bins. I wish the carpet wasnt so dirty, i wish i had a vacuum. going home next weekend. real fun, get to see so many people i havent seen in a long time, I miss home. I like it here, but i miss home. someones yelling in the hall. haha. too loud, turn it down, i guess someone is trying to study. louder! wow, can't believe how much bass is coming into my room, music stopped. guess the yelling got to them, i wish my neighbors werent so ugly. dip, spit. cigarettes, yuck. where should we eat tonight, cook steaks? ooh, marinade, got to think about where to get marinade. I wish that I had my moms kitchen here, all i have is easy mac and ramen noodles. ramen noodles, yuck right now. fraternity. man i can't stop thinking about why i would want to join, but i still think i wanna. really good deal they are giving us. too much work though, building stuff, having to be at the house all the time, parties, parties. don't know why i wouldnt want to join, lots of cool people, neil and coby are going to join if i do. too much trouble, i wonder if that guy called my dad to talk him into it. its not really his decision though, i say it is so they will think that i really want to join for right now, but who knows. girls coming into town tonight, i hope i don't have to share my bed. my bed! so comfortable, man my mom is great. Laundry, man i miss my mom. dip, spit. dip cup. loud noise in the hall now, this place is never quiet, my schedule is so great! library science is such an easy class, 9 mins! thats it? i feel like i have been typing forever. I hope that psych isnt too hard, im kind of worried about psych. other classes might be easy. Calculus, uggggghhhh. gosh i thought the first homework was easy, but this second one sucks so bad. 10 mins, jeez, now the clock is goin slow, wonder where daryl is? i should check my mail, ill go do that after this. apogee, gosh our internet sucks here. i love the view, i can see the towers. dip spit. someone just came in next door, someone is home, nicks home. nicsk talkin, baseball hat. hes talkin to me, i told him to leave me alone, he says sucks, he gave me a mean look cause i said i was writing about him, he left. man nick was a good guy back in the day. Frontier! i wish i could go back there, i wish i had stuck with being a good kid nicks phone. gosh cobys phone is so annoying, i leave my phone on vibrate, my phone is so crappy. I hate it, at least i got a cool blue strap on it. calculus, jeez i got to do more homework in that class, this sucks. im glad my weekend started early, but fridays are so boring, at least i got a lot accomplished today. dip, spit. i need to take this out pretty soon, i wonder if the timer will get mad if i go away for like thirty seconds, i wonder if there is a minimum on this writing assignment, i wonder what other people are writing, i wonder who is reading this? i wonder if anyone is reading this, tv is on, weather channel. i think a tropical storm is hitting friendswood, man i miss home. Allison, best flood ever. so much fun, i miss my old friends back home, its like a whole new thing here, its so different. i miss jimmys garage, security, so much better than here. Castillian is great, the cops in fwood. jeez i hated the cops in friendswood, i can't believe they would just walk in so many times. im glad i left because of that, i wonder if they will still remember all of us when we come back. money, man my parents are great, tropical storm. I hope it isnt so bad, my house doesnt normally flood, i doubt it will, coby is home, bitching about class, thats funny. he didnt know where his class was, hes talkin to nick, why are they still watching the weather channel. their room is so messy, i wonder if grammar and spelling and punctuation counts on this assignment, i hope not. i wonder if this all makes sense. dip, spit. repetition, i wonder what that means, sixteen minutes, wonder why i spelled sixteen that time, i am not very good at typing on this keyboard, i miss my old keyboard back at home. I miss home a lot, i miss having the upstairs all to myself, i wonder what my sisters are doin right now. coby is looking for me. they are still watching weather channel. just read allison at the top of this, best flood ever. I can't believe chad wussed out and wouldnt swim down the street with us, I wonder how mike is doin, i hope he does well in football, I wonder what virginia is like, i wonder what it would be like to go to school all by yourself, im glad i don't have to. should i proofread this? i don't think i will have time, 18 minutes. found the numbers that time. two more minutes, jeez i typed so much in such a short time, this felt like no time at all. dip, spit. whit, sarah. oh jeez, what trouble is that going to get me in. all that trouble is back home. last night, laundry, talkin on the phone, worst conversation ever. i can't believe i said some of that stuff, i wonder what susan is doin tonight, i hope we can go party with her and her sorority, i hope we show those girls a good time tonight. someone is lookin at away messages, we are all so addicted to instant messenger. everyone is, its horrible. nick mustve had a funny away message, people sent him a bunch of messages, i should change mine. what is that music, some theme song?

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12

I am writing this for psychology class. I'm glad it accounts for part of our grade because I am nervous about the difficulty of the class, and I know this is a completion grade. I really really want an A, but I read the professors pick-a-prof reviews and now realize how hard it will be. There is so much reading, I do not know how I can keep up with it. There is a good song playing on my computer right now, Calling You" by Blue October. The class DJ should play it in our class, even though it really does not have anything to do with psychology, but it does not seem like much of his music does. Yesterday in class, when he walked up there to put on his music, I made a comment like 'oh no, here we go again', and it turns out his friends were sitting right behind me and might have heard me. I felt kind of bad. I don't know what psychological value can be obtained from this. I find it hard to believe people will be reading all of this. Now an Incubus song is playing, its a slower, relaxing type song called "Echo". Everytime I hear it it reminds me of the friend who introduced it to me. And for some reason it reminds me of us playing beach volleyball. I have no idea why, the song has nothing to do with volleyball. That seems to happen a lot, when I read/hear something and it reminds me of something else vividly, for no apparent reason. There was this book I read by dean koontz, I can't remember the title (I read a lot), and everytime I read it, for some reason I would play the Staind CD in my head. I think its probably because the book is sort of dark/gloomy, and all of Staind's songs are depressing and miserable. I don't know why I like them. So every time I hear a staind song now, it reminds me of that book. I always picture the book cover. I remember it was a really weird book, about these creatures called from some abyss of Hell by some voodoo guy, in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and they hunt this guy and his family no matter where they go. they always get in to the buildings through the ventilation system. I can still picture them hissing and scratching at his kids. Dean Koontz is a pretty good writer like that. he is good at making the strangest things real enough to you that you can picture them. The only thing I don't like about his books is that they are so predictable. This is how they always go: There is always a strong, independent main character, either strongly in love with their spouse or single. The main character also either encounters or owns a playful, intelligent dog. I think dean koontz really likes dogs, usually labs. The main character then comes upon some problem tat he/she can't really help but to fight, because its affecting them in some way. For example, one guy had a growing voodoo doll attacking him, one lady had a psychologist (haha) using hypnotism to control her and several other people, giving them bizarre fears (hers was of herself, one guy had a look-alike twin of his out to kill him. just weird stuff. So on the way of fixing the problem, the main character always falls in love with some stranger they meet along their journey, or they fall even more in love with their present spouse. and it ALWAYS ends happy. Therefore I no longer read Dean Koontz books. I know what is going to happen after I have read the first chapter. Now a song called "I Stay Away" by Alice in Chains is playing. the guy across the hall in my dorm downloaded it for me because he said my taste in music needed improving. It is good. Lets see, 3 minutes to go. Dr. Pennebaker keeps mentioning in class that we freshman should be feeling depressed/confused at this point in our lives. it seems like he is trying to make business for the mental health people that he mentioned. I personally am not overwhelmed at all by this college thing. It seems just like high school, for me at least. I was always pretty independent. didn't rely/see my parents much. And you don't really notice the big classes. I still go to bed/wake up at pretty much the same time. we do have a lot more free time here, because your life is not so structured, but I think out of habit I am structuring it myself. 20 minutes are up, goodbye.

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25

I'm sitting here typing again I’ve got a lot to do today I want to get all of my work done soon so I don't have to worry about anything this weekend but I probably will anyway cause I always do. I wish I was a speed reader like on this movie I once saw -my stepmother’s an alien- where the alien just stuck her arm in a book and in a matter of minutes she understood the entire content. if I could do that I would have so much free time to write and draw and relax . I’m sure though that there are people who read slower than me. so maybe I should feel lucky. my wrists hurt again. and my head hurts kind of dizzy tiredness that I have to day from of course not sleeping enough last night. was on the phone instead because some times- especially when your tired and missing your friends- it feels like the right decision to sacrifice sleep for conversational anecdotes. but in the morning and now I feel it may have been a mistake I’ll feel better tomorrow. after I sleep it will be nice to see Paul tomorrow. Justin is so funny -all the porn off his computer sticks in my head its so plastic- I wonder if anyone a long time a go ever thought that sex would be reduced to a computer graphic. its an ironic opposite maybe people are slowly changing- they are- to be more electronically oriented- I wont be one of them though I will stand alone. Mr. purdy too, he always talked about how overindustrialized the world has become and how it will eventually change back like in a cycle to the way it used to be- primitive. but I think his optimism is held up by a false sense of security most likely brought about by his memories as a child of a life with out computers . me on the other hand, they've surrounded me since birth so I cant see his 'cycle' but still I think its more morally correct to not get so swept up in industry - it only aids to the separate ness that everyone in our generation feels the nowhereness, and island like mentality- dad told me when I was little that every one is like an iceberg floating in a vast ocean and from the air you only see these little pieces floating so far away from each other, but beneath the surface, in our subconsciousness, we are all made up of the same water that connects us that we are surrounded by. so we aren’t really all alone were all created from the same stuff. I probably sound like a televangelist but I shouldn’t care what you think of me anyway. I wish I could just cuddle up with Justin under heavy covers-warmth- and just feel his arm and shoulder under my neck and feel the ebb and flow of his breath on my forehead and slip away to sleep I love waking up next to him so warm - it doesn’t even matter if we get married - I've thought about it sometimes. its what's now that’s important and I love him and we’re happy if we ever do get married in a million years it will be because that will make us happy then ,whenever then becomes now.

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9

Today has seriously been the longest day ever and guess what? It's only the 4th day of classes. that's a horrible thing to think about. I stepped off of the 7th floor elevator at Jester and was once again overcome by that odor of hamster cage. It's awful. I've been on some other floors and it doesn't smell like that. I wonder if it's the carpet or something, but obviously nobody cares enough about it to fix it, so that's cool I guess. I got a sign on my door that says they are going to paint all the doors starting tomorrow. I'm totally sure that its going to smell so much better on this floor after that. yeah right. This oatmeal cream pie is great, I'm so hungry because I haven't eaten all day yet, and all my professors successfully fried my brain. I hate when I don't know everything. well I don't mean everything because nobody knows everything, but more like. I hate when I can't understand something right away, probably because I know that means I have to spend extra time learning it later on and that's never any fun. I swear that when I used to eat these oatmeal cream pies they were bigger, so maybe the manufacturer downsized the product or something. I wouldn't be surprised, or maybe now I'm just so much bigger than the cookie itself, instead of when I used to eat them years ago. Who knows? or actually who cares. Kate just called me and she's not going to eat until later, so guess that means I'm going to the chem. review at 5. It'll probably be really good for me so I shouldn't complain, but complaining is so fun, yet so annoying all at the same time. I can't believe that I'm actually excited about going home this weekend, not for long, but I kind of feel like I'm missing out on so much in San Antonio, even though I'm not. I can't wait to get some good Mexican food. it's been too long. What a horrible affect working at a Mexican restaurant all summer had on me. Oh well. The football game this weekend should be extremely awesome !! I'm so excited, my first UT football games as a STUDENT in the STUDENT section. ha-ha. and actually I think my 3rd or 4th game ever to see, how cool. I saw something on Austin's news talking about ordering the games on PPV. that's crazy. I really hope that doesn't mean that here in town all the games are blacked out and I can't watch them. like the away games for example. That'd be so cool if I could get tickets to the OU game. I hear that there's nothing like it, and I'm sure that's true. but you have to get pretty lucky and then you have to pay 85 bucks. and assuming that you get all that taken care of. you kind of have to make sure you know at least someone else going, meaning that they have to get through that whole process as well, pretty crazy, but I guess if all else fails I can order ir PPV for 40 bucks. yeah right, that game better be on ABC or something. I actually called Kenny today, after my first Biology class. he didn't answer, hopefully it was because he was in class. I don't know why but for some reason I really feel like he doesn't like me the way he did before I went down to San Antonio this past weekend. it's cool I guess. since I'm here and he's there, but I don't know. I wish that we wouldn't of met, so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. But then again I don't wish that because he's a cool guy. so much like me though, it's kind of scary. I wish that I could be the only one playing games and he would just profess his like for me everyday, but then again. if he did that I wouldn't like him, since it's all about the chase. crazy how those things work out. he's been exceptionally mean though. well just yesterday, but like he says it's his way of flirting, but ha-ha whatever. I like that boy. dang I just admitted it. I don't like him actually. I just don't know. I definitely don't think we're each others types though. he belongs around a much more rowdy "Karla" type and he might just be a little too crazy for me. Sounds like a challenge. I'm pretty hungry for like some real food, I guess I'll go down to JCL in a little bit and find something, that cinnamon toast crunch and oatmeal cream pie just didn't do it for me. and I'm exceptionally tired too. I ended up being 5 minutes late to my calculus discussion this morning, and I don't think it even helped me that much since I barely got a B on the homework. Man, I miss high school math classes. Everything was definitely explained SO much better, so yeah needless to say I'm pretty freaked out about that, I'm actually freaked out about all my classes. Oh well.

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31

Wow, I really don't feel like typing for 20 minutes, especially because I can't type all that well. My foot really itches. It is so hot in here, my roommates keep the air up way to high. My hands are sweating, and it takes a lot fir me to sweat. I feel terrible. I really hope that I'm not getting sick. MY nose really itches. BAD! sniffle. I really miss Thomas. I wish he were here right now. Now my elbow itches. And my nose again. This commercial is so gross. I would run the other direction too. my legs are sweaty too. I wonder if the sweat will mess up my keyboard. I wonder where Ky is. gahh I really hope he doesn't like me. He is cool but I just don't want to go past friendship. My eyebrow itches too. man, stuff really itches when you are paying attention to yourself. My shoulder and nose both do. I have a lot of knots in my shoulders too. Maybe Thomas will I have me a massage when I go home this weekend. That hair is on my nerves. I have so much reading to do, I don't think I will ever get caught up. I am really worried about Kim. I hope she can get everything figured out money wise and also with her math. I don't know what I would do if she weren't here. Man my hands are sweaty, it is so hot in here. I wonder what Thomas is doing. He is having that dumb study group at his house tonight so I probably won't be able to talk to him that much. I love him. I wish he would be able to come here and visit. His parents would never let that happen. He is coming to the Nebraska game so maybe him and his dad can come see my place. My arm itches. Now the other one does, and my shoulder. I have a lot of knots. It felt great for them to be rubbed. My nose itches. I am so stopped up. There comes the air, maybe it will cool off. Kari must keep her air on like 80. I cannot type at all! my legs are stuck to this leather couch. I really need to go to Kim's to use her nair. My foot itches. I really need to go work out. I cannot gain weight this year. I need to shave too. I have so much that I need to do, but there's no way I can do it all. My hands are still sweating, but it feels better now that the air came on. Only 3 more minutes. This sweat better not mess up my computer. There goes Jayme's alarm. My eye itches but I can't scratch it because of my make-up. I have to change the TV. felicity just gets on my nerves. My ear itches. and my thigh. and my other ear. and my eye. wow! oooh Friends is on. but so is Trading Spaces. I love that show. Genevieve really gets on my nerves. Oh this is the kids version ugh I sneezed. I guess I will watch Friends now. Oh my 20 minutes is up! yay I can stop

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18

Right now I feel kind of tired from schoolwork and extracurricular activities. Last night I felt cranky and could not concentrate much. I think it had something to do with having two tests on a given thursday. My nose is sort of stuffy and my eyes seem to be watery. I noticed today that the sky was a little cloudy as I walked to all of my classes. I thought that meant that there was high humidity or something. Possibly too much water in the air meant that there was more sweating and less evaporation of the sweat. I just came back from the student service building to get two vaccinations. One for meningitis and the other for Hepetitus B. I felt worried about diseases when I arrived on campus. In addition to the worries, I obtained a pamplet from the student services building recommending that I get the shots. My left arm feels a little different than usual. The nurse warned me of possible side effects but I was not too worried about that because I do not have any known allergic reactions. I think I try to type faster than I am able to and because of it I seem to make many mistakes in my typing requiring me to use the backspace key often. I think that when I was learning how to type I emphasized speed more importantly than preciseness or acuratcy. My neck and shoulders feel a little tight and cramp. My lower back pain has been giving me some trouble. I remember seeing the chiropractor about a month ago and he told me a little exercise would do just fine. I felt relieved knowing that my x-ray results were good. I came out to be that I had an extra lower back vertabrae. Not too rare but not particurally normal. My eyes are now feeling dry and probably red by now. Ever since I started wearing contacts , for about 3 years now, I've been worried about the dryness, redness, and clarity of my eyes. I might need to use some eye drops now. I think it might have something to do with my shots but the nurse did warn me about possible side effects. I usually don't think stuff like that will effect me directly. Although some things that i don't think effect me usually do. For instance when I got into my car crash about three months ago I didn;t think that it would happen to me. My parents would tell be to be careful in the rain but I would usually ignore that fact that I'll end up in an accident. I wouldn't rool me eyesor anything disrepectful, but I would just let the message slide. I would later realized that the message was important just made iinto a routine thing to say from my parents. I should really try harder to listen to people than to jsut make them fell good at the moment. I sometiems feel that people don't listen to thers anymore. they just try to make rapport with each other including nonverbal communications. Girls might do this more than guys. but i think i do it enough to make me feel comfortable. I would really like one day without realizing my lower back problems. It's not that bad but it;s annoying for me to worry about as much as i do. I crack my nect and back like every thirty minutes. I'ts becoming routine just like people reminding you to drive safely like at night. This is different though. I't what I say to myself. I wonder if that will ever be ignore. Probably not since it's not someone else controlling me but myself. Control is difficult to explain. I'm wondering when this will end. another minute or so. After a whild of this I started ignoring the computer screen and just started to stare adn my keyboard checking to see it my fingering is good or not. I don't think i;m a fast typer or a good typer. Just an average typer that makes too moany typing mistakes. Less by looking at my fingers.

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o. k try not to think. just let all your thoughts come together. this is not as easy as i thought it was going to be. the guy next door is still playing that crappie music. i wish i could go one day without hearing that, but i think it's ok my roommate just walked in and started to talk to me so i lost my train of thought. alright he left. i'm glad mary, his girlfriend, is going home. i hope they don't walk back in here and see what i just wrote but is suck last night hearing them makeout when i was trying to sleep. but she's cool. my hands are getting tried of typing. i don't know if i can make it the whole 20 min. now he's playing a new song but he turned it off. thank god. we need to clean up, this place is nasty. i don't know if i going to be able to get eric to clean. the bathroom is nasty. im run out of things to say and write. eric has some gay sunglass. i hope he doesnt wear them around me. i hope i just didnt offend my teacher or who ever reads this by saying gay. i hope my teacher doesnt think now i think he's gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. thats like that episode of Sinfied. i don't think i spelled that right. i don't have time to change it. just 2 more minutes. i didnt write that much. i hope i still get i good grade, im just i slow typer. time is almost up i need something to do after this. ill call dan well maybe not i don't want him to think i have no other friends

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there is so much going on my room right now, some it probably isn't the best time to be writing right now well I guess it'll give them more to think about. There is this song on rt now I think its called legionaries its cool it makes me think of like knights and stuff, its kinds up-beat and fun my roommate is talking to her dad about her palm pilot. I love the way he said boulevard its like the greatest British accent. I've been to Britain well I mean England. Either way I want to have a friend who is British like a guy friend I guess because I don't think id want to date a British guy, they all have gross teeth, I don't really understand that like do they not go to the dentist or know what a toothbrush is or something. Oh I don't think I've ever seen a British person with braces either I guess it has to be something to do with the dentist. I just changed the song on my cd player, the song was called Clementine which reminds me of my favorite movie, well one of my favorite movies, I have like a ton of favorite things, they are never ending. I'm always like yeah this is my fav song or this is my fav band, and the person I am talking to will be like wait I thought you said that blah blah was your fav band, and then I'm like well yeah them too. Well anyway one of my fav movies eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, its so weird but you know those are fav type of movies, I don't think I have a fav that everyone else like and I don't so it on purpose to be diff or anything oh and by the way I absolutely can't stand those type of people who feel that they have to be diff so they do stuff so blatantly different just so that they will be the center of attention, drives me nuts, like people who dye their hair like crazy colors or people who wear weird like way out there kind of clothes, and I bet is you were to ask them why their hair looks like that or why they're wearing that they'll just tell you. I've lost my train of thought, what I was going to say wasn't really going to make any sense. My roommate uses her palm pilot for everything, I don't know if I could deal using one of those for everything, I couldn't live without my comp, but my cell phone has a lot of the options that palm pilots do like a calendar and alarms a phone book so whatever. I think I should get my blood sugar measured, because I think since I have been at college all I do now is eat, and not healthy foods, I have to have something sweet all the time, it is kind of showing on my figure. I was just thinking about how I looked in a leotard today in my ballet class, I'm not as comfortable being in one as I used to be. Oh this girl in ballet class had just done some center combo with me and we were waiting for everyone else to go and she was like are you gong to try out for the dance team? and I was like no but I think I want to try out for the steel dance company and she was like oh aren't tryouts this weekend? and I was like yeah and she was like oh you will do great you're really really good, I was happy to hear her say that, just to have someone compliment me on my dance skills is such a boost of self esteem especially before tryouts this weekend, I got back to my dorm room and I was so happy, that can also be because I talked to David rt after my class, we are really doing well I think after this weekend, things have steadily been getting back on track with us, I really think I am in love with him, I think the whole break up only made us stronger, that happened the first time we sort of broke up, I wish we could just spend all of our time with each other, I really do miss him a lot, and the thing is if we hadn't broken up this summer I wanted to break up with him before we started college because I wanted to date other people, but the truth is I've only been comparing other guys to him, I guess that's what happens, I mean I have seen cute guys but I haven't really met any yet, so I don't know if that's a good ting or not, anyway David wanted to make it official that we were back together last weekend but its hard because I can't really trust him and neither can my parents, so that really sucks because I really do still want to be with him but my mom is like Seville your a fool and blah blah and sometimes I feel like I kind of am because I start to doubt myself so much about the decision I'm making about us, its like would I follow my heart or mind? it sounds like a stupid line out of a movie but that's really how I feel, I think things are looking up and I think my hearts motives are starting to blend with my mind's

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it seems to me that the purpose of this assignment is not really to examine our mundane thoughts that we perceive but the logic behind the way our mind thinks. Since most my time is spent analyzing my thoughts and their processes I think that I must examine more of the logical progression. This entry to me simulates making an entry into my journal. I look at that and realize that everything in their is exactly what you want. The most interesting things that I think about and that lead into other realms our my interactions with other people. Today at dinner I saw my ex-girlfriend from high school. she wasn't just a high school crush but the relationship lasted for over a year. After our break up things went down hill to the point that we don't ever talk to each other any more. She sat down with my roommate because she was with a mutual friend of ours. it is odd the way that the alliances from my old group of friends turned out. my roommate and I can see because we have been friends for a long time and we never ran into the point where there was never any conflict between us. One of my other friends who I used to love more than any other person in the world is still a good friend but not quite ion the same level as we were once on(over my girlfriend we separated because he had just broken up weigh her a month earlier. That brings up a question that everyone tries to answer: Is friendship or a relationship more important? all three of us were best friends but I bet with my ex that we could go to a higher level and stay there. The question that developed inside was it really a different level or another aspect of the same. I almost lost a lot of my friends for her, but those friends are the only ones still around. I wonder if this philosophy or psych? Does it really matter. The problem I think with a lot sciences now days is that the focus is so small that their lack of background in other subjects prevents us as moving as far as we might. How can a man consider himself able to study minds without the back ground of the philosopher. He must have explored his own thought and beliefs enough if is to ever have the hope of trying to understand others. Schools inside psych seen contradictory. How can one just study the physiological aspect without considering the developmental. Psych in its self probably should not be a major but the aspiration of the one who would devote himself to biology, philosophy, and sociology. The thing that irks about most of psych is that they seem to indoctrinate their own school of thought onto the tablet of their students mind. I believe in an approach that provides the conflicting theories in order to allow the student to make up his own mind. The problems with a lot of classes and student is that they do not teach the children the ability to come up with conclusions for themselves. How is the man who can purely memorize the data of other smart. he is a machine that must have data read in to perform a certain task. Those that can create an idea or image to provide those others is the one who deserves praise. He is the man who provides others with everything they receive in life. Even in the arts we have gotten to the point where it is simply regurgitating knowledge instead of creating it. Those students who take band tell me they have a hard improvising because they were just taught to read the music. The door to true knowledge is creativity and self-examination.

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So, I'm supposed to be wtiting something. hmmm, looks like blank for now. that lady at the library help desk is really talking fast, or maybe i'm. i can't believe my sister didn't call me back, we were supposed to go grocery shopping. i keep hitting the back slash butten and then i have to stop and delete it. la dee da. biology note. now that woman can talk fast. she's just out of school too. and she has a good job. hope i can find a good job once i get out of school, of course that first means that i have to get out of school . when ever that is. nice pants. actually never, i don't really like heather grey. my mom always says that makes me look washed out. whatever that means. blank. another blank. i hope that the timer on this computer doesn't go out berfore the writing assignment timer goes out. writing assignment. library online. i have so much work to do. . wendy's that's sounds goood. i;m wearing a lot of blue. i always wear a lot of blue. . blue pen, blue spiral, blue notepad, blue mouse pad, even the E for internet explorer is blue. too much blue. hmmmmmmmm. keep writing don't stop. this will be jam packed. oh yeah. i wonder what tthis is for too. oops mispelled this. should i go back and change it. ha ha , when i type i saay everything so slowly. at least i haven't mispelled more words. finally got my bracelet back. Ben. that was wierd seeing him again. what was even more wierd was seeing him wearing my bracelet. jerk off. oh, i wonder if it ws okay for me to say jerk off in this writing assignment, oh well, too late. finish button. can't wait to click on you. i crack my knuckles a lot. i hope i don't get arthritis. that would be a nice addition to the collection of future annoyances. hey that guy ws kind of cute. never mind! he turned around. mark is cute. yes he is. i wish he would call me back, but he's busy at work. raaaaaaaarrrrr. wait a second. has it been twenty minutes. am i supposed to keep track of the twenty minutes or does the computer automatically cut you off after twenty minutes? it's got to have been more than 15 minutes. at least. i wonder why he said set the right key set the right key to what? right, right.

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Today has been pretty easy. That girl in nursing got on my nerves, but at least I am out of there. For once, I actually do not have a headache yet. And it's already almost noon. I wish I didn't have to go to work today. It's not that I don't like working there, it just takes up so much time. Most of the people are nice. I wish I didn't have to stand up all the time, though. My back itches. It is really hot in my room. Lately, it has been freezing in here. It is probably because I am sitting right by the window. This assignment is really making me tired. However, I actually got almost 8 hours of sleep last night, which is practically a record for a school night. Maybe that is why I don't have a headache yet. Tonight, though, I need to go to the gym and work out. I have only worked out once since I've been here. I think I am getting out of shape, even though I seem to walk miles to my classes everyday. Oh well, it's not like I'm overweight or anything. I am probably losing weight since the cafeteria food is pretty bad sometimes. It used to make me sick for the first few days I was here. My neck itches now. I think it is moving! Oh my goodness I can't wait until this weekend. I finally get to go home and eat some normal food. Most of all, I get to see Chris. I miss him so much. I'm not really lonely all the time without him, but I am never really happy like I used to be. But after I see him for a few days and have to leave him again, I am sure I'll be pretty lonely. It makes me realize what is was like to be there with him all the time. Now my head itches. My back hurts. I haven't had a massage since I've been here. That would be so nice. Anyways, I just ate a nasty lunch and I feel kind of nauseous. Yuck. Dinner tonight is Mexican food and I think I'll walk to the union to eat. I am really tired now. This type of writing seems to put me into a trance. I feel like I need to take a nap now. I don't think that is possible though, since I have to be at work in about 45 minutes. At least that is the last thing I have to do today. I don't think I even have any homework. Maybe I'll take a nap after work. Well, actually, I need to call Chris after work. Maybe I'll take a nap after that. The room seems like it has cooled off a lot. Maybe the air conditioner finally kicked in. My neck and back are so stiff. I want to lay down so bad but I know that if I do, I'll probably fall asleep. My roommate slept in this morning. That was a good idea. I can't wait to see Chris. This weekend should be so much fun. I get all anxious hoping that everything goes well. I haven't seen my parents in 3 weeks. I know my mom is just dying to see me and my brother. I need to email her. I need to email Chris too. I wonder what Brian is up to. Maybe I should call him. I don't think I will because he is probably in class and I really don't want to talk to his roommate. Speaking of roommates, I need to talk to my ra. about the roommate contract she emailed us about. I have no idea what she is talking about. Oh well. My twenty minutes in finally over. I think I will go lay down.

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I'm starting to feel tired and lazy. That sandwich for lunch really hit the spot and now I feel really comfortable as I sit in this chair and look at the screen. I feel somewhat hypnotized and just relaxed. I feel like taking a nap because the temperature is slightly warm and it is making me slow down. I'm thinking about going to gregory but I feel so relaxed that I probably won't go. Its such a long walk and then I have to come back to my room before I go to another class. I wish my dorm room was closer to Gregory, then I think I would go more often. Instead I always tell myself I'm going to go but most of the time I just put it off. My back is sore and I think I need to stretch it, my legs are also sore. I know it has to be from all the walking in between classes. I can't wait for tonight. Monday night football. My night to sit on the couch and watch TV. I wonder who is playing. I think its the eagles and Bucaneers, but I'm not sure. I think the Bucaneers have a real good shot of repeating and winning the super bowl again this year. I know for sure the Cowboys are going to be bad. They will finish around 6 to 7 wins. If they win more, it will be a successful year for them. I wonder where my roommate is. He always leaves the lights on in our room, so I know he has been home and left already. I really wish I was done for the rest of the day and didn't have another class. I would definitely take a nap. Naps are so key. They are rejuvenating beyond anything else. My hair is always in my eyes. I think its time for me to finally get it cut. Its annoying now, its too hot to have long hair in my face. Also it looks kind of shaggy. I'm taking my shoes off. That feels better. ooh. that blister on the bottom of my foot looks pretty bad. ill have to put another band aide on it. I need to start playing basketball more so I won't get blisters when I just play on occasions. The only problem is that there are usually too many people that want to play, so I never get the chance to practice my shot. So in the games I end up missing most of the time. Fortunately the competition is not real high at Gregory. Although I have seen Brian Boddicker and Sidwell Harris up there at times. I can't believe the basketball coach would allow them to play in pickup games like that. What if they got hurt? He would be infuriated. How would you tell the coach that you broke your ankle and were out for the season just because you were in some stupid pickup game. Does not sound right. You know what else is not right, Chance Mock starting t quarterback. Texas's offense is so predictable with Chance at QB. Run Cedrick Benson up the middle once or twice for minimal yardage and then we are in a third and long and everybody in the stadium knows we have to throw it. That is when Chance gets sacked or throws an incomplete pass and we have to punt it. On the other hand when Vince Young is at QB, you can't predict what is going to happen. He is much more of a threat. He can run, scramble, elude tacklers and throw also, at least that is what he did against New Mexico St. I know its the aggies of New Mexico St. that we played last week but he did better than Chance Mock against the same guys. So I think he deserves the start against Arkansas this upcoming week. I can't wait to rub it into Mic's face when we beat them. I hope he finds a ticket and can come down from Arkansas for the game. He will definitely be intimidated by the Texas crowd. How long has it been since I have done my laundry? Not since I left home I think. I really don't want to do laundry in my dorm room. It takes too long. I think I'm just going to take all my dirty clothes with me whenever I go home. Probably around homecoming, which is the same weekend as the Texas OU game. I can't believe I didn't get a ticket for that. That really pisses me off. I did get lucky though with my season tickets, section 20 row 7, right behind the cannon. That was a pretty good draw for a freshman. Still, Ill have to find a way to get a ticket to the Texas OU game. Best game all year in all of college football and we better win this year or else Mack Brown should be fired. That would be the fourth year in a row. He can recruit like its nobody's business but he can't develop that talent and fit them into a game plan that can make us win the big game. Straight up he gets out coached every time by Bob Stoops. What a stud. My fingers are getting a little tired from typing.

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well, I'm thinking right now about how thinking about what I'm going to write is going to effect what I'm going to write. I'm thinking that 20 minutes is a long time to write considering that I type at a fairly good clip. I'm thinking I won't start each sentence with I think. I've come up with the idea for the perfect television show. it'll be a cross between chips and pacific blue. it'll be about moped cops in missouri, it'll be called M. o. p. d. it'll star katie holmes and busta rhymes as the street savy ex con turned cop. no one on the force knows if he can be trusted, but he's found a friend in katie, or sam mcgillaway on the show. I've decided that I really like fencing, and that at least at this early state I have a better mastery of the sport than most people in my class. I'm really thinking that this is going to be hard to to for twenty minutes. I miss my girlfriend. my ear itches. my roomate displaces much ground when he walks, or at least it sounds as if he does. I guess that's me thinking about my sensory preception. I hear him playing quake in the background, or should I say, behind my head. I wonder if I'll get full credit for my Diff EQ assignment. do teenage cats drink hairspray so their hairballs will look good? always wondered that. it's amazing how well I can get my ideas to flow from my brain to my hands. I'm sure it's a combination of my typing savvy and my slowing of the thought process so I can type everything I think. my roomate's whistling the daily show theme. I like john stewart movies. I like patrick stewart movies. I wonder how many degrees it would take to connect him to kevin bacon. I wonder how I come up with connections like this. my Instant messanger sounds are starting to get on even my nerves. I wonder how I'll do this semester. I know the 5hrs of credit I got for spanish will help my GPA, but will they offset the potential disaster that is either diff eq and or computer science 310? do I really want to be a computer science major? I really like cooking. BAM!. that's what emeril says. it's only been 5 minutes since I last looked at the clock, and that was maybe a total of 10 minutes ago. hmm. minutes and minutes were in the same position on those two lines. although they may not be when you read this. I wonder if my roomate's going to play the same song he always does. I miss home, mostly because of my girlfirend. I wonder if I'm supposed to put a comma in the name field. if obi wan kenobi has the ability to run with incredible speed, then why does he wait for the force field things to close and thus causing the death of his mentor. what's the deal with all the star wars major light sabre scenes (or most of them) ending with some guy falling down a large pit/shaft type thing? is George lucas trying to tell us something? I can hear real songs in my roomate's playing. neither of us have been playing that long. I just showered, but my nose already feels oily. I think my leg's asleep. there's two asses in assassination. I think my whole leg is asleep, or getting there fast. I'm not used to sitting normally in my chair, but I did it to facilitate my typing. I wonder if facil or something like that is a latin root. spanish for easy is facil. facilitate means to make easy. makes sense to me. sounds like my roomate's trying to learn the solo to breakfast at tiffanie's. it's not that hard. I wonder if I'm catching mostly audio cues because my eyes are focused on a particular task? that's my guess. well, that looks like about 20 minutes

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I'm really not sure what to write because I just am not feeling anything right mow but I am feeling good because I am listening to good music and that is something that will always make me feel good and I don't know why but even if I am really down music picks up and makes me feel better and I especially like to go to see live shows that is just about the only thing I really love to go out and do usually I would rather just sit at home and watch TV or listen to music. I am also feeling hungry and my roommate is making some vegetarian chili which kind of scares me because I am not really into vegetarian meals but hey I might as well eat it if he is going to make it. I am also wondering how long I have been writing because it seems like a long time but I think it has only been like ten minutes or so and I am running out of things to say. I guess could talk about this girl I am seeing. She is really cool but I don't really think I want to get involved with her in the way she wants to get involved with me, but I guess I should go out on another date before I come to that conclusion. That has been something that has been bothering me because she apparently likes me a lot, but I just don't think I like her in that way that she likes me and guess that now I am out on my own this is the first real problem I have had was dating and to tell you the truth it scares the hell out of me because when it comes to sex you never know what kind of diseases a girl might have and that scares me a lot.

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I am a little worried about this asignment because I don't type very fast, but I guess this is giving me good practice. I don't know if i should go run before dinner or take the excerisese class that is after dinner. I need to do something because I will get into the pattern of not working out,and then i will gain the freshman 15 like very one says you do. There is just so many other things that i need to be doing. But i know that i feel better if i work out. If i gain weight i will get depresed and i won't want to do anything. I can't believe Jason is so wraped up in working out. i am supposed to be the one worried about my figure. Ana has lost weigh too. How does she stay so motivated, and excited about runing. I would go take that class, but i have never done kick boxing, and i will problay look very stuiped. There are girls that just never shut up in this dorm. And some that always have the perfect hair and make up. That just seems so high school to me. I am excited about the chrisitan soriety. I hope i can find some girls that i like to hang around with. Surley their will be a couple that i will enjoy being around. I hope I enjoy the pledge retreat on Friday. I bet we will be up all night. That means that I will probably be sick again. Ana is coming down on Saterday, and I hope that Amy will come to. Amy has grown up so much in the last couple of months. I can't believe that she is being exposed to all of the Jenkins trama with Jims affairs. That is just a burden that she should not have to have. I know i think about it all the time and i did not have to listen to it as much as she did. It just amazes me how he could have done that. I wonder if he has some kind of mental problem. It would not surprise me, look at his dad. I just hope Graham is not like his dad. Surley Ana would know if he was. At least i hope she would know, for her sake. I think it is funny how Pam all the sudden likes to cook now. She is in her late fortys and is just now learning how to cook. Thats sad. I am glad that i grew up in a family who cooks, and eats dinner together at night. Or at least we did when we were little. Not all the time now that everyones off to college. It was so wird going home this weekend, it was almost like i had to get used to it again. It has felt so far away for the past three weeks. I don't want to go home too much. I want mom and dad to get the feeling that Im gone, and so then when i come home it is special. Jason made me mad this weedend, becuause he did not come and visit with my parents. I took time out of my schedule to come and visit his parents. His parents seemed weird this weekend also, i wonder what was up. Page seemed like she was jelouse that they were having to buy Jason some new cloths. That is so rediculous. She is a grown woman that can act like a small child some times. She can be very stingy. I can't believe that Jasons parents don't support him very much, i guess i am just used to having the best dad in the world

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Today is September 11th. It's kind of strange. Everyone is hurring to get to parades and festivities to remember this significant tragic event. Where am I? I am in a friend's dorm doing a writing assignment for professor Pennebaker. This is kind of hard because I have no idea what else to write. September 11th is just the number one thing on many people's mind right now, since it is 9/11. I really don't know how to feel. I'm saddened of course, but a little tired of all the ground zero footage. It it's so sad, why do they keep airing it over and over and over and over again? It makes me more sad to watch it. I haven't been able to watch T. V. all afternoon because of it. I don't know what else to write. I wonder how i'm going to get this stain off of my white star wars T-shirt. I was trying to unwrap a passion fruit starburst with my mouth only, and it sliped out of my mouth. Weird. My roomate and I tried to see who could unwrap it the fasted. It was sort of a tie, because neither of use could get the wrapper off. I wonder if they lit the tower up yet. It's supposed to be red, white and blue tonight. My foot kind of itches from a mosquito bite i recieved earlier today. I need to put something cold on it. I don't like Britney Spears too much. Her music is kind of weak. She has nice shoes though. I guess she couldn't be all that bad since millions of people mindlessly buy her records and posters like my friend who has it religiously taged up on his wall. He, like every other teenage boy ranging from the ages 13-18 adores her. She's not that bad. Oh man, I've only been typing for nine minutes and 14 seconds and I can't think of anything else to write. This is the longest 20 minutes of my life. We used to free write like this in a rhetoric class I was taking at my highschool. I was taking it for dual credit with a local university. We used to write for 10 minutes strait without stopping. My teacher was a nice 50 year old woman who sounded like a 90 year old. Her voice was so soothing, sometimes. I hear this whisling or hissing sound coming from the bathroom down the hall and a couple of guys laughing outside the door. I can't stop writing. Let's see, what to write about. I think I'll write about my day. Today I was late for Chemistry. again. Our teacher is this French woman who has the thickest accent. She's sweet though. After that I headed back to Jester West to grab a Freshen's smoothie. I got strawberry shooter. It was pretty good. A little icy. This guy behind me asked what i recomended, and I said the pina colider or the the passion fruit. I like passion fruit, but not as much as I like pineapple. I didn't really enjoy the strawberry shooter because it had to many seeds in it. After that i headed to my History of Rock and Roll class. I love that class. All we do really is read and listen to blues, jazz and Tin Pan Alley music. It's really fun. I came home at about 1:00 from class and fell right asleep, them watched queen of the damned. That movie has a good sound track to it. Some of the songs that were in the movie were not in the sound track. That was weird. Wow,only three minutes to go. It kind of seemed interminable at the beginning, but now it's not that hard. I guess it's easier to just think rather than to think about what you're thinking. What is that called? Oh, yeah. metacognition. I learned that in my rhetoric class also. THinking about your thinking. Only 30seconds left. I guess I'll write my name for the remaining time. Wait there is no time.

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What an odd assignment, write about anything for 20 minutes straight. I really like UT but it is so huge, sometimes I wished I had stayed in College Station. My boyfriend and friends are still in College Station, I was so close to Houston and that is were my family resides. Its only a hour and a half drive but from Austin its an extra 30 minutes and you can definitely feel the difference when driving. My brother is nearby in San Marcos and that is only spitting distance from here. While living at home this past summer I didn't like it that much, now I really miss those crazy people I call my family. There was always a fair share of fighting but in some weird way that is how we express our love. I really need to start working out again because living in Austin is making me chubby. You would think that walking around campus would be enough exercise but you are sadly mistaking. I have so much math homework which by the way is due tomorrow, I can't wait to see my boyfriend who is coming in tomorrow. Its our 6 month anniversary and most of the relationship has been a long distance one. I have known him for about 2 years now and its definitely better to be friends first. My family loves him except for my crazy step dad, he is pretty weird guy anyways. He is always grumpy about something especially when it comes to money. Money really is the root of all evil, but you can't live comfortably without it. Everything is so expensive now and days, the cost of gas is absolutely outrages. What is crazy is that me and my boyfriends anniversary is on such a tragic day in American history. So many innocent people lot their live for no apparent good reason, and it all happened instantly. Its very scary to think that today could be your last on this earth. Its hard to imagine what I would do if somebody close to me perished in such a horrific way. Its hard to think about without getting emotional. I would hate to grow old and have to watch my loved ones pass first, I would rather go before everyone even thought that sounds greedy. Its pouring down rain right now, and I hate living alone when the weather is nasty outside. I'm tired of being broke it seems to suck my spirit right out of me sometimes, I definitely feel I'm paying my dues though and hopefully I can do something positive with this college education.

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I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I met this new guy though. I hate it because I have no idea what anyone else here is looking for the same things as I am. I honestly can't wait to be done with school and get on with my life. I hate how slowly the time passes. I just want to be done with school and everything and get a job and get married. I really want to meet someone and fall in love. Its like I am constantly looking for a relationship or something. I guess that since we just broke up I want someone. I wonder if that is how he feels right now too since he just broke up with his girlfriend, so maybe that Friend thing wasn't such a good idea. But I really like him and think he is marriage material or something. I just don't want to be a rebound girl! I don't know, I wonder if Michelle is coming home today because I hate being here by myself because I think too much when I am alone. I am having so much trouble studying because I can't concentrate. I think about stuff that is constantly on my mind. I am really worried that I am not going to do very good this semester. It really worries me. I feel so overwhelmed with things to do and its like I really want a relationship to take the pressures off. I hate to think about what other people think about me, since I am starting my life over here kind of its like I want to make a good impression. I wonder if anyone else feels like that. I want to meet Mr right so bad it seems. I hate how I thought I really loved Damian and all that stuff and then I come here and think about him a lot and now lately after I met this guy all I think about is him and I try to think about Damian. maybe the reason I think about him so much is because he is the first guy that has really shown any interest seriously or made a conscious effort. I try so hard not to make a bad impression. I guess it doesn't really matter. Sometimes I really wish that I could just totally get something out of my head or someone and not even think about it. Sometimes I am thinking about something so much that I can't even sleep. I used to want to go home really bad to see Damian and now I want to spend time with this guy. he just broke up with his girlfriend and all but he makes me not think about Damian. I really thought I loved Damian but he made me feel so crappy all the time and lately I honestly haven't thought of him. He better email me so I will think about him. I don't think he does think to do things for me though. Like he is supposed to go up to the college today and do it but he won't want to make the effort I bet. Ugh! That is one of his worst qualities. I am too consumed by relationships right now and I really wish that I could concentrate really hard on school and get out of here and get an awesome job. the future really scares me. I am really worried about school too. I feel so tense and stressed all the time and there is so much overwhelming me. I can't keep track of everything and know I am going to end up forgetting something! I hate the feeling and nothing can make me not feel this way. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to come to college and try to be successful. I hate how competitive everything is here and all. I really feel ugly all the time too, and fat and I need to go work out but there really isn't ever time to do all this. I am a horrible procrastinator and can't seem to get things done! I really need to write my mission statement for BA class. I have had so long to do that and I haven't done it yet. That is something I have absolutely no desire to do and I wish I didn't have to do it. I am feeling so stressed out right now. It is so hard to make myself study and I never feel like I know as much as any one else and I never feel like I study enough. I have only really studied like two times and I need to get on the ball. I am so scared about Calculus and have a really bad feeling that I am going to do bad in there. There are so many things I want to do in a day and feel there are never enough hours. I hate walking everywhere. Everything is such a huge chore or task it seems like here! I absolutely hate feeling that way too. I feel like I was kind of rude to my parents when they were here. I feel like I don't have time to ever really enjoy my self! I can't stand that feeling either. I think I would feel so much better about myself if I would just spend more time studying. Then I wouldn't have to worry so much about school or doing badly. I also wish I would go workout more because I really am going to get fat pretty soon! I feel like taking a really long road trip and not thinking about school or guys or my future. Just without thinking about anything.

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12

I have heard of assignments like this one before, but never thought that I would sit at my computer for 20 minutes just typing away. but, thats what you want so here I go: hmmmm, I have a lot of work to get done, I need to get my girlfriend's birthday card written and sent out, her bday is on the 14th of this month. we have an interesting relatiosnship. she is going to AM next year so that makes me wonder a little, also, my parents don't know we are together, they would never accept her since she is white. I think thats bull shit personally. I have told my parents they are prejudice, they don't understnad that term I think. yeah, but we broke up before I went to UT this year so that we could just be friends but she doesn't think that fbeing fiends is right. she says either we get back together or don't weven talk anymore, so I got back together. I think it was like an ultimatum, she says that normal human beings would react the way that she did. I question that, heck, you could probably tell me since you're a psychology professor with a ph. d. in something related to psychology I assume. hmmmm, I think we are going to break up, just makes sense, but I don't want to hurt her and who kn ows, she maybe that ONE person and I may be throwing that away, which is a dumb thing to do. yeah, well, I also have lots of reading to do which I better get started on soon. my roommate and suitemate have gone to the library at least every other day and have done all there reading, but I haven't doneany of it. in high school, I never had to bother with any of that. the day before the test, iw oudl read up and be set. I know that won't work here proabbly but yet I still don't take the initiative to read. I think I may just be lazy, or I may tghink too much of myself and find mysefl screwed come sept. 14 since thats my first test, or its spet 16, eithe ron. e hmmmm, man, dobie food sucks a lot, I ts good I guess but its just that I get so used to it and I hate standing in line. ,. yup yup. theres a lot of dumb bullshit things also, luike I have a friedn tht tells me "oh, man, be careful when you hang out with them, they blah blah blah and all this. " they don't do anythingillegal, they just party or have minor problems if anythuing. let em figure tht out you know, she is quick to give me her opinon and I don't even ask for it. ppl that I respect because the hyave been successful, she says man, he is full of shit. whatevefr, he gets his stuff done and is very scuccessful (I am having a lunch meteting with him to figure out the stuff I should be doing and joining etc. ) and she thinks that he is jsut full of shit. I don't care really to hear it but I can't tell her to shut the *(& up because thats also wrong. sometimes, the situation demands to be mean or atleast abrasive, but thats difficult (not beacuse I don't know how to, I do, I am a former debater) but because its nott eh impression I wantt o give out. well I am getting tired right now, but there is only a few minutes left so I might as well continute. hmmmm, not much else is going on here. yeah there is this big thing about going and partying and drinking and etc,. definitely not my sceneinking, never done it, no inteention to, I just don't want to, but there is definitely pressure created when your firends (Since like age 2) are doing it, and then you wonder why not, might as well. hmmmm, I strill haven't but then again, I have gone home to houston every weekend so far to visit my mom and make sure everything is okay sin e no one else is home (my dad is in india of r business ) and I also went home to see alsion (my girlfriend of 1. 5 years) that myb the reason she wants to saty together or not even get together, I think she is too attached (she says she loves me more than she has ever loved) she is my first girlfriend ( I love her, I think ) what is love? its a personal point of view that can nver be defined. there are too many differntt types of love, and then even romantic love is interpreted differently. I thinks thats weird. I have siad I love you and so has she but we may mean (although same principle) two completely different things. I think thats interesting. well, thats it my 20 miutes are up, I have been watching MTV and typing at the same time, and man, there a bunch of fine girls at UT, but I don;t think I will get any of them (oh well, I have alison and I don';t want any of thme rright now, buts its nice to know that you could get those irls if youw ant to you know) oh well, thats me thinkin gabout sex again. hehehhe. thats it, enjoy this, I certainly did typing it. see you (keep this confidential -- I must assume it is)

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Cars Mileyva sock bigsteakhouse hands car printer Mileyva parrot tag nervous hole sandwich bite thick Diamond Rio Brooks and Dunn peanut butter I don't know what to put becasue when you HAVE to write your thoughts, you go blank. Milk gas bevo little fun Jacob thirsty storage my arm hurts squeeze itch bite straw kramer what's happening? juice bad taste not enough slurp anxious about eco quiz smart car 300 ZX curly hair greek what? lonely itch nerd looks like water mickey gas i need to floss where were you when the world stopped turning eyebrow hungry for another sandwich acne i need to wash my face double date Elvira 27 year old date she I want my parents to meet her hospital my mom my brother Toby Keith Jacob's dad flying back muscle missions tortillas plane old orange couches in the pharmacy building Christina Ricci John Madden candle barometer greasy hair Kumbaya itch hope the cut on my foot doesn't get worse parking downtown Elysia Puerto Rican island palm tree ocean city beautiful Mexican dark hair and eyes government Burdine EX subwway tunnel trash in the breeze tile walls platform big orange ball my nose itches Jacob Chevy Venture banana steel baseball bag not enough I already like the B&D song Unloved even though I've never heard it Pumba Carpal tunnel Syndrome pepper chile pepper fireball I'm going to try and be a good friend to Mileyva countrified Mount Washington Kentucky green grass country road thick impatient about starting relationship tired of waiting hope time between communication does not dissipate her feelings big orange ball 1626 cafe Lexus Vanessa Carlton Pigglet hobbit houses bath with raspberry fragrance tumor gum graft kilo License to Kill Robert Davies bomb fish bob and tom black man fish my hair is cooperating Ocean's Eleven Eminem ovulating barrel Drew Carey operating table nickel McDonalds time trist leg hair pain in foot Eminem comb and style hand hurts knee itches

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30

today if the first Sunday that I have been here alone and it is interesting because I don’t have my parents looking over my shoulder telling me what to do. I can just walk out of my room and go have a cigarette. this is different because before I would have to think up an excuse to go and have one. my feet are cold right now and I need to take a shower. I didn't get up till about 11:45. the MTV music video awards and not very exciting and I am tired of listening to all of these peoples memories about their favorite moments. they, the awards are just a simple kind of propaganda. Michael Jackson does like little boys and should stop trying to cover it up with all those insignificant women. the only reason he wants children are for the obvious. it sucks he has that kind of problem. many people do like to eat corn but they don’t seem to serve it here in the jester cafeteria. I wonder if this is going to get through because I cant even send my mom an email. it would suck if it didn't. this is the largest class I have ever been in. I hope it is the most interesting. I need to check how much money is in my account. I came with alot and am still wondering how much I will leave with. Dana Carvey is a funny guy and I figure he had a bad childhood because his brother is a bearded man who rarely says a word. I miss running track. I need to go and workout but will when I’m done. Hanson is the most ridiculous group in the whole world. if they can make it I know that I can. I am really infatuated with this girl and hope that I run into her again, actually there are two that I am. Eddie Murphy is a pimp. I cant believe that princess Diana died. I think that she staged her own death to get away from the photographers. she had been harassed her whole life and would have and could have been driven to such extremes. I do not know how long I've been writing but will keep writing for another ten minutes. I feel like Beavis and butthead because I am verbalizing all of my thoughts. I stayed up till three o’clock last night and still slept nine hours. the song by Aerosmith, dude look like a lady, is it about a homosexual or a crossdresser. is cross dresser one or two words. I still think that notorious b. i. g. and tupac are still alive. I need to get the c. d. tom petty and the heart breakers greatest hits because I miss listening to them. I still seems I haven’t written that much. van halen is so cool, not. this is ridiculous my thoughts. Daisy fuentes is hot and I’m glad that she is not bald. what is Marilyn masons deal ?>????. he is a freak and I had the pleasure of meeting him and his band in the theatre. he was busy throwing gummy worms at the people attempting to watch star wars. he reminded me of a lost child. maybe that’s why he dresses like he does. he is a freak. the chocolate milk in the cafeteria is good. I kind of want to go to breakfast tomorrow because I have never eaten in the morning in the cafeteria. I have done absolutely nothing today and I thoroughly like it. I do need to go and take a shower because that would be proper. I wonder how many people only take showers every other day. I wonder if commercials actually do influence the ways people buy products. that's it has been twenty minutes.

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well, I don't exactly know why I'm doing this, but I do enjoy the idea of trying to figure out what's in this head of mine. sharon's checking her email, but she will be leaving soon to go get a bagel. I'm not that hungry because I had a huge breakfast. there are a lot of people in this library. I wish I had internet connection at home because it would be so convenient. I wonder what my parents are doing right now. I wonder if their business is doing well. I wonder when they will be able to retire. I wonder when God will essentially allow them to stop working. God works in mysterious ways, and that's what makes him God I suppose. I'm really glad I got to talk to Paul last night online. He is a nice guy. I got to talk to carol too, but really didn't have much to say, which is not surprising. there's a lot of interesting different people here at UT. such a contrast from plano west, where everyone wants to be popular and only buys the best things in life. but are the things they think are the best really the best? don't think so. I miss home, but I really do enjoy it here at austin. I haven't been homesick at all, which might be a good thing or a bad thing. I feel like I abuse my parents so much, verbally. I don't ever take into consideration the fact that they have feelings too. I just say whatever to them and never think clearly. in a sense it is good to be comfortable with people, but being completely immune to their well-being is not good at all. why am I such a malicious person? I think sometimes being malicious on purpose might be better than being malicious without even thinking, because then that means that being malicious has become second nature. I really need to work out more often. I've gotten so freaking lazy, and as a result, fatter, or ?healthy? as my parents call it. why am I so frugal, actually it shouldn't even be considered frugality because it's to the point of stinginess, like scrooge. I don't get it. I try to not think about how much money I spend, but I get so greedy and selfish. I seriously think that if food wasn't so essential to life I would probably not eat and horde money all day. why God? actually I shouldn't be questioning you. I'm sorry. it's my fault. I am just an evil person. that's it. we are all just naturally evil. well, that sounds too Hobbes-like. we do have good in us, but we are all sinners no doubt. but I seem like my sins all go unnoticed because I do them so often and I don't realize it anymore. I've got 10 minutes left on this. shar's going to the restroom. I have so much reading to do. and sometimes I feel like I read and read and read and study, but then when I get to class I feel like I did nothing at all. wow, 10 minutes is a pretty long time. not when watching television or a movie. I guess time does fly when you're having fun. I wonder who thought that one up. I haven't seen a movie in the theater in awhile. I wish there was a dollar theater close by. I wish I could get a job. I wish I could manage my time better. I should really take into account opportunity costs of everything I do or buy. sometimes I wish I was more economically conscious but then I feel like sometimes I'm too economically conscious. I do too many things for my own good. I never think about other people. instead, I think how much of my own money, energy, etc. is going into making someone else happy. that's so wrong. man, I have psych in about an hour. I wonder what we will talk about. I wonder if I read enough. I wonder how my first quiz in college will be like tomorrow. I really need to stop eating so much and work out more. I cannot possibly rationalize all my eating by my walking to and from school everyday. 5 more minutes. I wonder what God thinks of me. maybe I shouldn't wonder. what else is there to say? I feel like my brain has been racked and pried. is that how you spell the past tense of pry? I have so much reading to do. did I mention that? by the time I get home, I will probably be so tired. but I need to read. shar's going to her echo meeting so I will be home alone with no internet access. man I am so spoiled. as early as 1-2 years ago I didn't depend so highly on technology. but look at me now. well, I guess we should look at ourselves now. what to say? I wonder what my parents think of me. I think too much about what other people think of me. I need to stop and think about what I think about myself. I thought that girl looked familiar. hmm. I'm almost done dude. almost done. only 1 minute left. I have written a lot. well at least I feel like it. now that I'm almost done I feel like the 20 minutes went by really fast. so I guess this was both enriching and entertaining to see what's in my brain. 10 seconds. done!

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30

I really like music, i think its really cool to just get on the computer and be able to listen to any song, at anytime. it really bothers me when you turn on the radio and they are all on a commercial at the same time. It's very aggrivating, but this world is run by money so I guess there is not much we can do about it. When i listen to music, I like to day dream and imgaine that there is a story to every song, which usually there is, but I parallel the stories to my life and see how they impact me. I also just like to fantasize about certain things that a song might talk about that are a little far fetched. Music helps me go to sleep also. I can never really fall asleep to it, but I will catch myself doozing off and then wake up and turn off the songs. Speaking of sleeping, why is it that you never really remember the good dreams but the nightmares and the ones that are just really weird. I've also thought its really weird that you ususally forget your dreams if you don't write them down as soon as you have them. Why is that? Usually my nightmares involve harm coming to my family but no matter how bad they get, I also manage to either transport or take my family to safety just in time. I still wake up in a cold sweat but just the fact that I know they are ok, makes me feel better. Even if I keep going back to the same part of the dream I try my best to get them out of danger. I have a very strong family background. When I was in high school my friends used to make fun of me saying i had the perfect family and that nothing could ever go wrong. I always thought it was weird that even though i had a strong family background most of my friends didn't. Their parents were either divorced or had really bad problems. One of my friends got kicked out of her house, well she left actually but she had gotten in a really bad fight with her mother and her mom had called her a slut. I don't think I could handle my mother calling me a name like that. I think I have a very good relationship with my mother but I know that I don't tell her everything that goes on in my life. I've noticed that I have most of my secrets spread out through a bunch of people, like no one person knows all of my secrets. I guess that is because I'm afraid to trust one person so much, but I don't think that is a bad thing. I just think that I'm afraid that if one person knows me totally they will turn on me and tell everyone my personal business. I guess that is because in junior high I had a group of friends that turned on me and I don't think I ever forgave them. I went my own way in high school but to this day I still think of their betrayel and I can still feel the pain from it. Even though I haven't always had the best friends in the world, if I have a falling out with a friend I usually will make up with them later on in life. We might not be friends again but the air will be cleared and we can be civil to each other. That also works for my ex-boyfriends, it seems like after about a year we will begin to talk again and everything is ok. I've always been able to make friends with guys better than I have with girls, I really do not think I'm that much of a tomboy but I just think they are easier to get along with and cause less drama. My first year in college was the first time I think I made more girl friends but that also might be because I'm in nursing and there is a serious shortage of men in that field. I don't mind girls I just think they have more issues than guys. I also think it's really weird that I haven't found that one single person yet either. Everyone says that in college is when you find your husband and - or wife, but I think I'll just let it happen when it happens. Like even if I like one guy, there is almost always another one. I think I like like four guys right now and its terrible. One has a girlfriend, but is going to dump her in a little bit, apparently she is being a bitch. He doesn't know I like him but his friends do, it's crazy. I think I've been boy crazy all my life, seriously. If a hot guy walks by I just turn to mush. I think the ideal guy would be about my height, not too tall or short, with dark hair and either green or blue eyes. He would have to be tan of course and have the best sense of humor either. He would also have to be a talker, I'm really into having good conversations. Don't get me wrong there is always time for silence or just having fun but every relationship I've been in has failed because of some communication issue and I think I've just learned that as long as you keep the communication channels open things will be good. I think I am a good communicator fo. r the most part, I know I'm a good peace maker and keeper, coming from a family where I had two sisters and one brother I guess its no surprize. I've noticed that people like to tell me about their problems also. I can just be sitting somewhere and someone will start talking to me and telling me their life story and I think it's just because they want someone to listen and that's exactly what I do. Not everyone wants advice, sometimes they just want to be heard. I've noticed that people in the hospital like to talk to anyone who walks in the door. I work at childrens and parents will also be eager and willing to talk to me.

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12

This week has been so overwhelming! I have taken in so much and my mind feels like it is in overdrive. I already feel stress and the semester has barely begun. I want to be involved in a many ways as I possibly can, but there are so many organizations to join, I don't know what to choose. The difference between college and high school is readily apparent. I hope as time goes by, I will develop better study habits and get used to waking up early. I am extremely nervous about the first exam in all of my classes because I do not know what kind of questions the professor will ask, and therefore, do not know how to prepare for them. Tonight I am glad that I get to go out and do something because I feel so couped up here in this dorm room studying all week. I am also excited about seeing my boyfriend and cousins this weekend. Everytime he calls, I light up with happiness. No matter what kind of day I am having, I always feel better when he calls. I still miss my ex very much though. Two years is hard to let go of especially when they have been your friend for an even longer period of time. I wish he would just call me because I really want to talk to him. We used to talk every night for hours and hours. He was such a big part of my life and now I barely see him, let alone talk to him. I think that he is mad at me because I am dating someone else, but I'm not sure. He usually returns my calls, but I have not talked to him in like 4 days. I am really hungry and I would love a big bowl of icecream. but I can't have one. I am really trying to stick to this stupid diet because of all of the "freshman 15" horror stories. I wish I had more time to take a nap during the day, but when I'm not studying, I'm working out or running errands. Another thing I'm worried about is having two finals on one day. My mythology and calculus finals are right after one another and they are both very demanding courses. Oh well, I guess I just have to make the best of it because there is nothing I can do about it. Thank god I don't have three on the same day--then, I would really panic. I'm thankful to have Julio because he really pushes me and encourages me when I am doubtful or discouraged. I miss him so much more than I thought I would. I have only been with him for a month, but I already feel attached. I hope my parents like him when they meet him this weekend. Hes so smart and has good manners. Their approval means a lot to me and I guess Ill find out what they think of Julio this weekend

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Ok, well here's the first writing assnment. To begin with, i'm really, really hungry. As is the case, in many college student's lives, i only woke up about an hour ago, and so havent' eaten anything. I've already done laundry though, so I guess you could say i'm semi=productive. I've also talked to Road Runner because they came out the other day and installed the new cable modem in my apartment, but it didn't work. So i tried all the diagnostics that they told me to do, and it still didn't work so i called them this morning. As is always the case, it worked when they asked me to go to the internet, so I seemed like a fool. Well, as soon as we hung up the phone, i tried the internet again, and it didn't work. . I'm pissed. So now i have to use my roommate's computer and a regular internet connection, which is slower than anything else you can imagine. But on to other things. I'm going to play football with my co-workers from the club on 6th street (the VIBE). It's amazing how you never know when or where a friend might come from. It has always been my belief that a boss will never be a friend, even though it may seem so at times. . . it's really just business. But these guys are different. Perhaps it's the type of business, or maybe they are the one-in-a-million type, or maybe even i'm mistaken, but either way, we're going out to play football as soon as i finish writing this journalistic internet assignment. My best friend had his truck towed yesterday, and the day before he had his wallet stolen, so of course he came to me wanting to know if i'd lend him some money and take him to get his truck back. So, being the good friend that i am, i went to the bank and withdrew 150 dollars and took him to the towyard to get his truck. However, since he didn't have a liscense, i had to sign for the truck, wich only means that i could get into a world of trouble if he ever wanted to screw with me. Apparently by me signing for the truck, my friend could come back the next day and ask for his truck, and since it wouldn't be there, it would be stolen which meant i would be held accountable for grand=theft=auto. But i assured my friend that even though he is bigger than i am, i have a lot more friends that are bigger than he is. . you never can tell with people. So back to being hungry again, now my stomach is growling, and i wish i would have eaten before doing this thing. Of course, i am only half way finished, and i grow hungrier as each minute passes. I really shouldn't be playing football today though, because i should be reading all the assignments for my various classes, but what good would that do me?. . . really, i would be a unsocial. . . and besides, i like football better than studying. I guess that's wjhy my grades are the way they are, but who cares, i was a grade worrier all through high school. . i never got a B in my entire li8fe and graduated top 2% (14th of 720). BIG DEAL. I've realized now after 2 years of college that grades really don't mean that much. I mean, yes, you have to graduate and all, but how hard is it to make a 2. 5? I've failed a couple of classes now, and still have a 3. 2, so you obviously have to REALLY screw up in order to make below a 2 GPA. I guess i shouldn't talk that way, because school is hard for some people, but then again, htat's just an excuse, because i think that anyone can learn somehting, you just have to find the right way to get to them. It's like physics. I can teach anyone physics, it's just a matter of how you explain things. BAck in highschool, my physics teacher was horrible at explaining things, and everyone was alwyas confused, but i would re-explain using every-day examples, and then they would understand. I explained circuit-theory using the large highways in houston (where i lived) as the circuits . The cars were the moving charges , on-ramps were like batteries, and so forth. Using this method, all the people that i tutored on average scored at least a grade point higher. . give or take. ANyway, i just wish i had it in me to be a teacher because i know i'd be a good one. I just can't see myself teaching. I want to own businesses, and yezs, make a lot of money. I have a business eye. everywhere i go, i'm always seeking a new way to make money, or what business i could start that would flourish. Well, it's almost over, and i must say, i'm not as hungy \as i was at first. So thats it. There's my mind in a nutshell!

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Stream of Conciousness. hmmm. My mind is clearest when it's late, music in the background is soothing, it makes me think of Ted. The music playing is Ashley's favorite. It's amazing that one person can be such a pillar of strength. One person can change so much, by doing so little. Strength, Independance, Perserverance, Beauty, Power, Love, Intellegence, these are things that everyone wants, we all want to be everything, and the best of it all. Not even that we want to be everything, but we want to be precieved as everything. People in high school who were everything were really nothing. In life people who think they're everything are usually nothing. I want to be something. I feel really small, i'm waiting to feel big. Not physcially, but emotionally, big. I'm not fragile, but I'm not that pilar of strength yet. this isn't home yet. My bed isn't home yet. With time it will be home. When I walk in the door it feels like home, but every morning when i wake up, it's not quite right. It gets more right every day. Dashboard Confessionals, listening to them makes me feel comfortable, just quiet enough to hear, but not load enough to understand. So much to do, lists and lists. Why is it I procrastine always, always. Study habits are so bad, mom was right. I hate it when mom is right. Why do I always yell at her in my dreams? Dreams are always there, emotions are always there, I can't hide them in dreams. Rain is wonderful, it makes me breathe lighter. I love sleeping when its raining on the window, that was nice today. Sitting on my bed letting the skys fall. This life isn't a dress rehearsal, that is a poster on my wall. I'm never going to get a second chance, this is all i've got, never again will this moment happen, and look, i'm spending this moment typing like a crazy person trying to fill up this twenty minutes. I never realized how long twenty minutes can really be. The sound of the shower is a lot like the sound of rain, i like it. I like the smell of our room after someone is done showering, it's clean, fresh, it makes me smile. why are pictures so important? I have every important thing captured into pictures, who cares if you're really happy, when the camera comes, the smile appears, wheater you want it to or not. It's like when I dance, you walk on the stage and I become a totally different person, its not me. Dance is wonderfully curel. Twisting, torking, pain, stretching, then you walk on the stage and slap on a smile, like it feels good, pretending or lying? hmmmm. . something to ponder. My biology book keeps staring at me, screaming YOU HAVE TO READ ME SOMETIME! and God, is it right, i've got to. Dedication, it's what got me here, and it's the only thing that's going to get me out within the next four to five years. Biology - how could that motivate anyone?!?! The only thing that motivates me is dance, sad, but true. What would i be doing without dance? Living on the street corners of Guadalupe? I would if it made me happy - poor, rich, whatever, happy. Happy is what i want. 20 minutes is up - stream of conciousness. . hmmmm. .

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16

Right now I am thinking about the point of this I guess maybe it does have some point but I really don't see one but anyhow its not that bad of an assignment I mean just typing what you are thinking for twenty minutes. my dorm room is rather hot and I want to get up to turn our fan on but I won't because then I would have to leave the computer and then I couldn't track my thoughts for those few second that I leave the computer. I waiting for a phone call from my boyfriend he was supposed to call around 9:45 but he has not called yet and its starting to irritate me I also notice that I have only been typing for like 2 minutes. I wonder what I'm going to be typing for 18 more minutes. gosh I have some much to do tonight I have to starch my army uniform and polish my boots and I have to finish retyping my rhetorical analysis paper that didn't get saved for some reason and then I have to do some biology reading and finsih some biology questions. I don't really like my biology class but I do like my chemistry class but that probably just because its easy and I've done well in it so far. my ear is starting to hurt . I hope I don't have an ear infection. I feel like I'm starting to get a headache maybe its because I'm tired or maybe because I'm hungry . or maybe because I'm dehydrated. I dunno but once this is over I think I'm going to take some advil and hopefully that will make it feel better this is hard forcing myself to write what I'm thinking of . I've been looking at a computer screen most of the day and my eyes are starting to hurt maybe that is why I have a headache . who knows . but I can't wait till I get to go to sleep . so do you guys actually read these I bet these can get really interesting I mean if I had to read over 500 of these I'd probably be pretty bored. but maybe pysch guys just like reading random thoughts, hundreds of them . is it stimulating? I'm dating a guy who a psych. major . he is in grad school right now . mastering in something pysch related . he is supposed to call me right now . maybe he got held up reading random stream of conscious stuff . my jaw is aching right now too . I have tmj and it sucks my jaw is out of alignment and it hurts really bad. I wish I could just pop it back in place but that would be all sorts of hard and probably fairly painful . but anyways and its only been like 12 minutes . this is crazy . after this I have to do some real writing that does not rock my world because I know that I'll be tired and I won't feel like doing it an then I'll tell myself that I'll sleep for like an hour and then wake up and finish what I need to do but it won't happen . gosh I'm so freaking tired and my ears are really starting to hurt but I think it might be from my jaw and that probably why I have a headache . gosh I really could go for a massage right about now but I don't want to spend any of my money . my boyfriend gives really good massages and he is supposed to call me but he has not called me yet . what a dick. ugh how much longer of this seriously twenty minutes . I doubt that this writing assignment, aside from a simple grade, really benefits me in anyway . so is this an assignment so you psych guys can have experiments and such? crazy so we pay money to take a class so we can do assignments for psych guys who use them as experiments . hmmm I don't know if I like that idea . but oh well because this assignment is a lot better than the next one that I will have to do . but this is making me so tired and my eyes are really starting to have a hard time focusing on the computer and then when I close them I want to keep them shut and just sleep for like a few seconds and then a few seconds more oh well I only have like a minute left count down . 59 58 57 56 55 54 53 52 51 5049484746454443424140393837363534333231302928272625242 ah nice its over

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30

There is this really annoying beep that will not stop, and at the moment it is the center of my attention, my focus. I cannot think of anything else because now that I have acknowledged this repetitive sound I cannot get it out of my head. It seems as though it is getting louder. I also hear the flopping of someone's shoes as they get closer, oh, and another person. Each of them into their own schedule, their own life. Wow, shoes all have such a distinct sound. Someone just walked by with shoes that have a very hard sole and make a loud rough sound. The beeping continues. A girl nearby is getting a drink from a machine. I bet she's thirsty. I'm thirsty actually. I'm hungry, too. Someone else just walked in the nearby door and a bell just rang. I hear some more clank of change and that sound of a drink coming down the machine to yet another thirsty person. As he came around the corner he was the same guy who just walked in the door but just left out the same door. I wonder where he is going, if he's a student. What kind of life he has, his interests everything that makes him an individual. More squeaky shoes. I seem to be hearing all of the shoe noises possible, as well as that beeping that still lingers in my ear. Everyone has different ears. People are so different. I love UT because there are so many unique people, and a lot of them are very friendly. Something just changed in the overall sound the air conditioner went off or some other constant light sound ceased, for it now seems much more quiet. I hear a man's voice in the nearby classroom who is talking about parabolas. Oh, how I don't like math. It's like a different language to me, and it scares me to think of some of the classes I might take. The ringing continues. A man walked by talking to himself. I wonder if he realized he was talking to himself, or if it's just one of those things that people do naturally and then when you ask them about it they can't believe they do whatever that thing is. The ring seems longer as it still persists the intervals between them are about 5 seconds. It's thundering. It's sprinkling outside but it's sunny I'm waiting for it to stop so I can walk back to my dorm. I could just walk now but I am content just sitting here. The chair is comfortable. It's almost like a couch, and the cushioned back feels nice. Now the coke machine in front of me started making that same noise again which stopped few minutes ago, aahh. I still hear the ringing. What is that? And the man's voice in the classroom. I can't make out what he's saying because of the other little noises. More people around the corner. My finger kind of hurts from writing so fast without stopping. I wonder how many muscles are working right now in my hand allowing me to write? Again, another girl's shoes flop against the floor. The floor is orange tile and not a bright orange kind of burnt, how ironic? Another guy walks by I wonder, too, where he is going. Is he married? More clanking of change and ringing, but there is now nobody in the hall. Chalk writing on the board it's an interesting sound. I'm thirsty. I'd like an orange juice.

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21

The University of Texas at Austin is amazing. I love the fact that I'm living independently in my dorm. I have high expectations for myself here at the university at I also fear many aspects of college life. I have to remind myself to stay focused. I'm extremely excited about the opportunities that Austin has to offer, regarding education and entertainment. I'm really looking forward to the relationships I'm going to make, the parties I'm a enjoy, and best of all the memories that will be cherished. I feel so free, but nervous at the same time. I feel I can make it though. I just visited home last weekend to visit my grandfather and the rest of my family. I miss my grandfather, but he's in a better place now. I believe he's still with me in spirit and his soul is still protecting me. Death is a crazy thing. I was happy to see all my family for the labor day weekend, but it wasn't the same without my grandpa. My grandpa was like the king of my large family, so the reunion was abnormal without the him. I pray for him like I always have. My cousin's up in ATX with me. I know I'm a be partying with him a lot this semester and next semester. I felt so suppressed at home cause I had parents that tripped all the time, but I know they trip as much as other parents. I'm enjoying everything at this university. I'm just inhaling everything and it's great. Classes are huge, people are diverse, it's just a crazy experience. I'm half way done with this assignment. I miss some things about my hometown, I miss my mom and the rest of my family, but I miss my girlfriend like Crazy! She's so amazing! Kat dropped me off last night and we chilled in my dorm all by ourselves. We've been together for like an official month, but we've been getting to know each other for like 7 months. I'm really starting to trust her, she's really growing on me. I reminisce about my other girlfriends, and they're whack in comparison with my shorty. She seems, and I emphasize seems, so faithful to me, it's weird. Trusting girls with all your heart is hard, because tricks be scandalous sometimes. I've been played like a Sega dreamcast over and over like a broken record. I got so much battle scars and war wounds from selfish young girls, it's hard to believe I can still trust Kat as much as I do. But for some reason I just do, I'm fearing what the hell she's capable of doing to me, like hurting me, and that's why I don't act faithful sometimes. I've been good, but I guess I'm just scared to be alone, so I just stay somewhat close to other women. Because if she messes up and does me greasy, then I got some chicks that are close to me. I've never really been alone in that way. There's always some girls willing to get to know me. I've had some lonely times though everyone does. There's so much in front of me at this university, I don't know what to expect. I just have to remember to stay focused, get my priorities straight, and bust my ass to get my goals done.

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30

Well, I'm not really sure what to write here, but here goes. So, I'm in a new state, in a new place, with no one here that I knew before I arrived. Sounds kind of scary, but I'm dealing. I came to texas from Nashville, TN. And it really seems that I am one of the few that are from out of state. Everyone is from Houston, Dallas, San Antonio, or Austin. And it has been rough, because most people came here with all of their best friends and here I am, this outsider who knows no one. But I was excited anyway, because I loved the school and all the school spirit. I came here early, because I was going to go through rush. Unfortunately about a month before I left for school, I was diagnosed with mono. I had been feeling okay, but started feeling bad right before I left for school. I had to skip the open house round of rush because I felt so bad. I participated in the rest and actually pledged the one that I wanted, but it was one of the hardest experiences. I had to be perky and cute when it was 100 degrees outside and when I felt horrible. I got through it and now I feel much better, but I will always remember that! Now that I am in the sororityI definitely like it but it is still hard. All the girls live in a different dorm than I do, and 26 out of 60 of them are all from the same high school in Houston! It's crazy. They are all really nice, but it is hard to make friends with people who already have all of their best friends here. I, so far, like the older girls better than my pledge class. We have our retreat next weekend, so hopefully I will get to know them better after the retreat. Classes are going well, but I'm struggling with the huge ones, because they are bigger than my entire high school! I only graduated with 80 people, so it is very different here. It is hard to know everything that goes on on campus, because everyone else already knows what and where everything is and I have no idea! Anyway, all this sounds like I am not having fun and that is absolutely not true! I LOVE school, but it has been so hard to force myself to stay home to get rid of the mono when all I want to do is go out, meet new people, and have fun! I do miss home a lot. I have always been very close to my family, especially my little sister and my mom (and my little dog Missy) So I miss them all a whole lot, but I am dealing. I have made some great friends in my dorm and I like all my professors and the people in my classes. I am looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving to see all my friends, but I am also looking forward to a lot of fun before then. Okay, I think it has been about 20 minutes, so I am going to leave now. So long, professor, even though you aren't reading this! :) Bye

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14

It took me forever to get into this program I had the address written all down wrong and now I am going to be late for practice Shannon is waiting for me and she is not going to be happy I can't believe I have a flat tire everyone was honking at me to tell me on MLK. oh well so I had to walk here and now I am running completely behind schedule I am gonna get Kevin to fix my tire tonight when he gets off work I hope he knows how to change a flat and where to take it because I have no idea he won't mind he is really a cool guy what am I gonna do until then I guess I’ll just walk back home to it is good exercise for me any way now I am so sidetracked I don’t know what to write my parents are coming Friday so now I have to clean for them and that I have absolutely no time for but I guess I'll have to find it gosh my typing is terrible and I keep hitting the wrong letters since I haven't typed all summer. this computer thing is not for me I am so computer illiterate but I am very open to learning if someone would teach me I don't want to go to work on Friday I really don’t like it there anymore I probably should quit then I would have no money whatsoever that it'll be nice maybe I will starve and lose some weight I really didn't me that I could never starve myself I love food too much my gosh Shannon is going to be pretty mad since I was suppose to be at practice ten minutes ago to teach her what we learned now she is just going to be waiting on me because I am gonna have to walk down there and it will take forever. my car hasn't had a flat in such a long time I wonder what I hit because I didn't see anything in the tire but what do I know. my mind is just going blank nothing can run through it cause I’m so tired. I want my shoes back from winstons house they have been there for a week now and they are my favorites but I can't remember exactly how to get there I would probably get lost I can't wait for this weekend the game will be so much fun and I won't be so nervous for it this time I wonder how many people will be there for UCLA how exciting I am so glad I talked to my friend Michael last night he sounds like he is having so much fun in California at occidental I can't wait to visit him he says his classes are pretty tough I would probably drop out! just picking it wouldn't hurt to get a good kick in the butt to get myself in gear. gosh twenty minutes seems like forever to put down all your thoughts I don't even remember what I have attempted to type so far I think my time is almost up though and then I can run to bellmont to help Shannon who has no clue where I am I was suppose to call my friend Whitney last night to see how rush went at her school and I didn't I am a little curious to see what she picked I cant believe she hasn't called to tell me because I am her best friend but I guess I can forgive and forget but hopefully she'll call me tonight last night I talked to rhiannon and she sounded so upset I hope things will get better for her I am so tired I am falling asleep good thing my time is just about up because I am exhausted naturally I cant go take a nap because I have practice I guess its all worth it in the end because I get to perform for a lot of people but sometimes it seems like a waist because no one bothers to tell the new girls what is going on and then we look like idiots I want so much to say something but so far I have kept my mouth shut and just had my own kind of fun I don’t know if they act this way on purpose or they just don't know exactly what they are doing I try my hardest and ever since I hurt my knee it has sucked tremendously I can't strut my usual stuff and I just want to scream because no one knows how much it hurts well it has been well over 20 minutes now so I am going to practice bye!

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6

This is my first writing assignment of college. It doesn't seem like it could be so bad. In fact, college itself isn't so bad yet. Its not like i have any homework that is assigned. All my friends have homework constatnly that is due for them to turn in. Glad i am not in that situation. I guess that I am behind in schoolwork though. I need to read so many chapters in so many books. But who wants to read when I could be going out. The freedom here is wonderful. I don't think I have stayed out this late so many days in a row ever. It's amazing to me how much fun something as stupid sounding as an 80's theme fraternity party could be. Fraternity parties are the best thing here i think. Free alcohol, no way to get caught under 21 (unless you are stupid), and guys everywhere. Of course, I have already skipped class because of hangovers. Or can you really call them hangovers if you are still intoxicated. I am not sure about that one. I have already met so many guys. I wish that i wasn't the way I am about guys. I wish I could just meet them and enjoy our time and then thats it. No, there is always one that i seem to get attatched to. I don't want to like anyone though. I am having to fight my usual ways to keep from liking just this one guy. I promised myself i wouldn't fall for someone for at least a year. I am sick and tired of being controlled by men. Boyfriends are always controlling and now that I don't want a boyfriend I am still being controlled by having to fight feelings of attatchment. Don't they say that you seek people similar to your father subconsciously? That would make sense i suppose. He is controlling too. Not in a bad way- or in an abusive way. I suppose I would call it more of a traditional way. He is the head of the household, the king , and its normally his way or the highway. Even though I always got the last word when i lived at home. That got me in more trouble sometimes than what we were fighting about. Oh well, now we are perfect. I have always been Daddy's Little Girl and now he misses me to much to pick fights with me. I miss him too though. I call him almost every day at home or at work. I don't really miss my mom though. She is still bitter about my pledging AChiO, rather than her precious ADPi. I'm a triple legacy, why would i want to go anywhere else? I will tell you why, because those girls are NOT FOR ME!!! I miss my dog most of all. My Mollie girl is so sad without me according to my sister. She said she doesn't play anymore, she won't lay on anyones lap- which she used to do all the time- and she just seems sad. I always knew I was her favorite. I hope I am writing about what I am supposed to be. The assignment did say to write what you were thinking about. And as I started writing all of this is just coming out of my head. The best thing about this assignment is that it seems to go by fast. I suppose i have a lot of things on my mind. There are a lot of things I would like to settle so they could be out of my mind. Like the money issue. I am so sick of money. I just balanced my checkbook and i don't have any. And basically that sucks. When all my friends just whip out Daddy's credit card for plane tickets to L. A. for the weekend and 1000 dollar TV's for their dorm, and a new outfit for every party or event, and good food at good restaurants, and basically everything else- it sucks to not be able to do that. My parents support me and i am very grateful for what i get, but the other way would be nice too. I respect my parents for how hard they work to support me. They don't want me to work and i know that I am expensive. College tuition, living/eating expenses, sorority dues, car payment, insurance, and everything else they pay for gets expensive. I just wish i could do more. I guess i am selfish for not getting a job even if they don't want me too. I say i want to help, but if i worked i would hate it and i would complain, and i would just want to go out all the time. I hope that grammer and punctuation, etc. doesn't count in this paper. I hate capitalizing I when i type fast. I am almost done. Done!

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21

I am listening to Tracy Chapman, The Promise, and this song makes me soo sad. I think about Toby, and how this song completely makes me want to do what the song says. I want to find my way back to Wisconsin. I am actually going through a very emotional and frustrating time right now. I don't know how many things are going through my head but there is alot to think about. I don't know what I want to study. I have no goals, and that in itself is sooo frustrating. I want to be able to start working towards something. I love being able to definitely have a plan. I am not someone who can handle doing something unexpected. But I am starting to cope with. Another thing that I am dealing with right now, that I constantly have in the back of my mind, is the fact that I am in love with someone sooo far away, that I've spent a week with. I learned last night in my meditation class that love is the key to everyones happiness, or anunda. Everyone desires love; everyone wants to find and experience love. And once found, then nothing can become a barrier. But for me it is my parents money that is a barrier. I've never been on my own, and they are paying for everything right now. They pay for my apartment, schooling, books, and they give me a sum of money to live off of. I doubt that if I wanted to be a full time student that I would be able to have the luxuries that I do now, and have a job, and support myself. However, I want to experience my own dreams. I want to be able to say and do what I please with no strings attatched. Man it feels good to say that. I only wish I had the courage to actually do what I am thinking. I want to travel and find love, and discover who I am before I can make any decisions whatsoever about my future. I am soo completely lost in the ideals of my upbringing and the conflicting ideals that I feel are more important. I fell that my parents have not experienced true happiness because they have chosen to live a conservative life full of restrictions both imposed by society and imposed by their own ignorance of what is True (with a capital t) I want to get away from it. Howeveri t is going to take much courage on my part. TO part with everything I have grown up believing. Well, not entirely. I still posess the same morals and ideals of what a person should be to stay peaceful and good. However, the materialistic impositions that I have lived with, the restrictions of what I can do, and the expectations that they have of me that I will never fulfill. I can't speak to my parents without them shrugging or belittling my desires and aspirations. Obviously they are not letting me be who I strive to be. I want to have a guiltless consciousness. I want to be able to express myself without thinking of what my concervative and rude to say the least parents might think. I just decided that maybe I would enjoy being an elementary school teacher, and they shrugged and laughed, saying that I was taking the easy way out of college. However, if they had taken the time to listen to my reasoning, they would have found my reasons to be much more altruistic than that. Also, the fact that I dropped a biology class that I am not interested in and have not time to study for (considering my schedule at present) made them cringe. I had to listen to how all I am here for is a good time and how I am only taking 13 hours when my dad struggled with 18 hours. I am not them, and I don't believe in their repression. I am indeed repressed frrom becoming an individual and I am just now starting to climb out of my shell. I am looking for inspiration and motivation however, and I think love is my answer. I believe that whether it is not the True love, it is my steppng stone to following my dreams. Friendship is another thing that I treasure and that I despise in turn. My friends that I've grown up with are much different from me and we have been feeling the repercussions of these differences growing exponentially since we've all come to college. Sorority life is not my cup of tea, however, they are all very enthralled with sorority life and sisters, thus creating somewhat of a breech between us. Music is such inspiration and is the key to expression and life. I wonder how many people are truly affected by music. How many peoppe let music into their heart. It can either devour you or bring you up. I find that itr can create certain moods, it can create certain sensations, and it can create certain motivations. Music can make you or break you in my opinion. I don't know what else to write. I am soo exhausted of thinking. It feels like I have been soulsearching for eternity, actually only the past couple of weeks. Since I found love, since I found myself. This may sound cheesy, wait no. It is not. It is me. And it is truthful. When I said it was cheesy, I was thinkging of what my parents would thingk. They would say that I am too young to love or to know what is right and what is for me. But I say hell no. I am not going to put up with that anymore. I knowwhat it is like to experience this. I was just interupted by these boys dopwn the hall who are really fun but who i havn't gotten to know so well yet. We wnet to dinner tonight,but it is only the stepping stone to a better relationship. I can't read them yet. For instance I don't know what they want from me. Some of them act a little shady. I don't know what kind of relati

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Right now I am feeling much rage and it stems from the outcome of this weekend. I had traveled for three hours to visit my family and friends hoping that I would be welcomed with opened arms. Half of my theory was right. My family welcomed me with much warmth but my friends pretty much took a dump on my face. Well not all of them. A few in particular. My whole weekend was, in my mind a total waste of time. My so called best friends would rather spend time with their ridiculously uptight and stuck up girlfriends than to hang out with a best friend. I had known them my entire life and these girls just walked into the picture less than a couple of months ago. Nothing but anger subdued my mind for the following three days. I refused to let myself be depressed so I figured I would go shoot some pool. But to my dismay, one of my friends showed up, this one was one of my female counterparts, and she pranced in with a guy standing next to her. So what. That part didn't piss me off as much as the fact that they were at a party and didn't bother to pick up the phone. Not even to say hi. She did not even return my calls or answer my pages. To make it even worse, she pretended she did nothing wrong and pursued to make friendly conversation. To hell with that. I walked out of there without even saying good bye or giving a reason why. My mind was filled with so much raw emotion, the negative kind that can tear a hole through your soul. That's when I realized that Houston was no longer my home. I no longer had any true friends in the city that I grew up in for 18 years. Like I said, my friends had pretty much crapped in my mouth. I'm not sure if they were aware or not but that is completly beside the point. I am home now. The city of Austin where I would rather meet and make new friends than to salvage the friendships that I already had. I believe it is a wise choice otherwise I will just continue to be put in such an unstable emotional state. Not once this whole weekend I had a good thought in my mind. I was fine until my so called friends sold me out to be with a girl all night so that they could get freaky with each other. I've got no problem with my friends being horny and wanting to get it on with their girlfriends but at least hang out with me for one damn night out of three. Now I can relax and look forward to this weekend where I will undoubtedly have a good time while my friends stay at home with their thumbs up each other's asses. Screw all of them. I don't need them anymore than I need the toilet paper I wipe my ass with. Austin is a hell of a lot more exciting than houston and my asshole friends can stay there because they were too damn stupid to get into UT in the first place. I hope they are having fun at community college, or high school for those that were too dumb to even graduate high school. Good luck flipping those burgers at McDonald's the rest of your lives.

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16

I just failed my chemistry quiz. I feel . depressed? I could have gotten the correct answer it was just that I was answering the question incorrectly. At first I thought it was the TA's fault, maybe she done the test wrong. But as I was turning in the quiz I finally realized that I had been solving for the wrong question. Hey there's a squirrel with a piece of pizza that is bigger than him !! Ha-ha, cute. Anyways, I was turning in the quiz when I realized this. Oh well it was too late anyways. I wonder if that's how it feels when you die and go to heaven and actually realize you were praying for the wrong person or to no one at all. Just a waste of time. There's a lot of people around here, thank you the group of people that came up with wireless internet. There's really nothing much going around in my mind right now, except for the whole feeling guilty/depressed for failing that chem quiz. I went to the HPO to pick up the application for the JAMP program they want at least a 3. 25 gpa and 3. 0 gpa in the science areas in order to be admitted into it. I already failed my chem quiz , what to do. I have a test next week in chemistry, hopefully I will learn from my previous mistakes in my quiz and I will get an A . Hhahaha, squirrels they are so funny and cute, they are everywhere around this campus, that's what I love about it here, the whole not so dirty as Houston thing going on . Its so clean , well around here it is still haven't seen the rest of Austin. I bet squirrels back at home wouldn't even come up this close as the ones in here do, What is love. I have been thinking about that , I want to believe my practical side and think that it is nothing but a bunch of hormones hitting your pleasure area in the brain. Or that love is just conformity, you find someone stay with them because you never want to be alone again. Or is love really something else, do we stay alive for it? Is it really forever even after you die? Maybe that's just something we want to believe in because we are also afraid of being alone even after we die. Do we really need love to be happy? I mean love as in an "only one" your significant other, do we really need that kind of love to be happy in life , or is it really just another experience we go through? What is love to women? Are they just trying to find another paternal figure in their life in order to replace the one they had when they were young? I mean think about it, if a girl had a bad experience with her dad, she'd view all men the same. So lets say she lost her respect for him, we'll she then lose respect for all men? Will she be able to be in a healthy relationship? All these questions, and I can't type fast. I'm a slow typer. But yeah, why are we here anyways. Is life nothing but insignificant events that happen in no random order and were really just nothing at all. I mean I'm sure if all of humanity died, the earth would still spin, maybe the earth will be better with out all of us. Sometimes we think we are the center of the universe. But really we are nothing at all, just a speck in the abyss of the dark universe. Ew, there was some stuff on my hands where did it come from. Maybe a bird pooped on me, you can't trust those birds. I rubbed it all over my forehead, maybe I should check what it is, wait I have to finish this thing. I'm thinking about majoring in some other field now, like psychology, but I love my current HAHAHAHA there is a squirrel in the trash can !! HOW CUTE. So psychology sounds interesting buy I also looooooooove biology. Maybe there's a biopsychology major out there, I mean biology and psychology do go in hand right?

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30

I don't really know how to start a "stream of consciousness" writing, but I guess I will write about how I feel about college right now. It is my first year and it is really scary but fun at the same time. I guess I haven't really had enough time to sit down and think about all that I have done since I have been here. It is exhausting to think how much I have actually been doing. I'm not a morning person so my days start around 11:00. From that point on I do not stop until about 23am, when I pass out. My days are filled completely with going to class, studying, meetings, and then of course going out. I have met so many people since I have been here. I barely remember anyone's name. I feel so bad when someone comes up to me and calls me by my name and I can't even remember ever meeting them. I'm sure that has happened to everyone before, but it seems to happen to me at least once a day. Oh well, life goes on. At least I remember my roommate's name. She is cool! We both went potluck and got extremely lucky. We get along like sisters, and people even think we look alike. It's crazy. This writing seems like a bunch of gibber gabber but I guess I am following the guidelines by writing what is on my mind. I think this is a cool exercise because it is actually giving me the time to sit down and think about what's on my mind. One thing that is always on my mind is how I miss home. I am used to my mom always taking care of almost everything for me. That makes me sound like a baby, but I am an independent person. I took care of my mom for two years while she was in bed sick. That was the point in my life when I grew up really fast. I had to go to work and school, cook dinner, go to the cleaners, and everything that I could do to help out around the house. When she got better, I guess is when I became lazy and wanted her to help me do a lot of things. She is awesome and I really miss her. My dad is an entire different story. He lives in Connecticut and does not do one thing for anybody except himself. He didn't raise us so he doesn't really know how to act like a father. My step dad is the man who acts as my father. He takes care of me the way my father is supposed to. I really miss him as well. If it weren't for him I would not be typing this essay on this computer, or going to the University of Texas as well. I am very thankful for everything he has done for me. I am bad at showing it sometimes, but I think he knows in my heart how appreciative I am. Another thing that I miss is my sister. She goes to Boston College. I tell her everything because she is my best friend. I don't know what I would do without the telephone. She makes me feel better whenever I have a problem or am upset. I guess this entire essay is about how much I miss my family. I am thinking that maybe I should go home soon and visit. Actually that could be bad, I need to grow up someday. I have two more minutes that I have to write. I feel better about being away from home now that I have expressed what I miss on paper. I have always heard when you write things down it makes you feel better, and this just proved that to me. I hope this makes some since. Goodbye have a good day!

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21

I really don't now exactly what to write. my mind is just blank. I met this really hot guy at my dorm and I want to keep talking to him. he doesn't remind me of Rain Meada at all but what can I say. my vision is blurred today probably because of the ozone warnings. I can't believe that it was 112 degrees the other day. I wish that I would have made the dance team, but I guess I knew that I wouldn't. I really want to change my major. I hate ballet with a passion and today I felt sick to my stomach in class because I hate it so much. brandon makes me so mad because he acts gay all the time. what is up with him and jennifer, why don't they just date or something. I wonder if jen really likes jansen or what. I really want a boyfriend. I dreamed about kevin last night and it was so weird because he was actually being nice. I was sick and in the hospital or something and he was taking care of me. I want to meet justin timberlake so bad. I just want to have sex with him. I miss my brother and I can't believe that my father hasn't called me in over 3 months. And he didn't even come to my graduation. ugh. I really don't like my classes and I already have trouble getting myself to class. I am such a bad student. I wonder where sammy is today? I really want him back but that will never happen. I pretend that there is a chance but I am kidding myself now that he is with mrs. perfect. jen lovey. I don't know that pisses me off so much I want to scream. I think it was the same guy in class today that said mating choices that asked who was single the first day. I will have to go and meet him. I'm hungry and I feel extremely fat. I was thinking today about why people swing their arms when they walk. that reminds me of seinfeld and when Elaine makes fun of the woman who doesn't swing her arms. I think I like patobut I'm not really attracted to him. I wonder if you can actually like someone as in love if you aren't attracted to them. maybe I am and I just don't want to admit it. the mind is so weird. It psychs you out to think one thing but then you get all confused because you don't know if that is what you really think. that was complicated. I feel bad that I have not made time for God in my life and I want to but then I find fun things to do and forget. I need to pray about that. I can't wait to meet the man that I'm going to marry. I'm looking at this picture of my best friend from high school and not one thought comes to my head. sometimes I think that it was good we went our own ways because we were getting tired of each other. I feel bad for casey and I really need to call daniel. patrick is the rudest boy in the world. I don't think he has ever been nice to me. Oh well his loss. I am so broke right now. I need to get a loan but the stupid texas thing is gay and won't work. I wonder if my finger is broken or not. I can't decide if I want to try out for the ut dance team or not. what is up with all my homework. I never have a life anymore. I think I'm really going to hate school. maybe I will drop out and go back home and work at heb. my life is going nowhere. its not like I'm actually going to dance on broadway so what's the point of even trying for it. I hate writing journals for dumb modern class. That's a bunch of crap. this school is so messed up with all its procedures and freaking lines that are always miles long. my feet are killing me. I need to go to the chiropractor. where is melissa. what is she doing? I'm thinking that this is the easiest writing assignment I've ever done. my English teacher mrs. dillard ran away with another teacher and got married and I never saw her again. that was strange. and my dad did that too. he told me in a mexican food restaurant and I wanted to kill him. oh and the orange drink that we used to drink and the wasp that was trapped in the house and I started crying. my dog died when I was little. I miss my cat at home but I don't want to go home and see my mom. she will drive me crazy. brittney spears is such a hoe. if she slept with justin that is gross. I want to meet him and ask him. I think I will. Birmingham is going to be tight. the drive sucks but to meet him I would do anything. man I just want to know what it would be like to kiss him. ohhhh, dang I can't wait. I want to talk to zal. I wonder if he is back from paris yet? I think I'm don't know so yeah.

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9

Sometimes I think that maybe I need to make some changes to my life. Almost everyone I meet in my life think I'm too shy or too quiet. Personally I think I just don't like to talk. I tend to stand aside and listen or observe what is being discussed. Sometimes those who don't know me well get the wrong idea that I don't like talking to them. A lot of my good friends from high school think that I've changed since I came to college. They say I've learned to open up more to people. I think I'm still the same person though. I guess when a person moves into a college environment it's kind of hard not to talk to people. I mean we're always meeting so many people everyday. I guess another thing I feel like I need to change is my stress level. I tend to stress out very easily. Anything from school problems to things happening at home could make me nervous. I always feel so tense. It's as if everything is going by so fast and I don't have enough time to complete everything I need to do at once. When I'm around my family I usually try not to show them how stressed I am. However when I'm with my friends it's pretty obvious if I'm stressed out. I become moody easily and don't have an appetite. The last two years of college were stressful for me. I didn't know what I wanted to do in my life. I felt that everyone around me had a plan or goal they were working towards. For me, I couldn't find what I really liked. I tried talking to different people but it never really helped. Actually the main problem was myself. I'm always so indecisive. If someone was to ask me to choose between two things, I wouldn't know which one to choose from because I felt both were equally good or bad.

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21

Stream of consiousnesssskdj. How do you spell that? Fuck if I know. I don't seem to know much today. why the fuck am I so off. I'm just writing this shit cause it sounds pitiful. Or will hell the writing sounds like I'm writing for someone else to read. No one is going to read this, nor does what I write matter. So confess away. Make it worthwhile. What is this fucking heat I feel all the time, what the hell, I've heard the scientific explanations but they don't feel right. Hot cold I don't know. It prickles mwhen I should. I got a damn ticket today. my first one damnit. I was doing so good but I knew it was coming it was inevitable I f I brag about what I have why shoul di have what I get its not the fucking point to tel everyone else that I have it better than them. humanity is fuckecd can we save it which I knew I don't know anything all scienctific fac tis bullshit maybe some theory might hold over but that would be total luck. string wtf. microfribers connecting us all. Howhippie that's ridiculous how do I float about life s easily just things come when I need them to. really really badly and make an effort and it sthere. its that way for some certainly not job ha ha that's the fuckin shit dud ei m so funny. I really like my new sense of the humore isnce the rool. the roll. jese what the hell was that I would like know. Dead space. And I type what a prick. the constant battle. Why is there a batlle are normal people at peace I don't think so otherwise well religion . I wonder what time it is I'm going toclose fuckk shit I'm I sweare I'm wahts it called the shit I know fuck ah ah damn I forgot to much pot is that problem is it the drugs. I really need to stop smoking cigarettes why is it harder now that she will be here sooner shouldn't I be overwhelmed with joy, iam but also shit is just annoying and I don't know what to do about that, I wish I had some sort of sign but I already had my gift and know what I need to do how can I reationally use a drug experience to justify mylife, but it just feels right you knwo the path, now don't fuck it, is that hard why am I lead so far astray things are fyckeed up she feels off and away from me I want this to finish so I can meditate since I'm almsot there how do I fall into trances so easily I feel the warmth over my body enveloping me. holding me tight in its arms guiding me a warmer shorre, I hate comign back I'm going to be out if I do that, its ok, I can talk to my baby while I'm eout shell understand my fingers are getting tired I can type really relay fast if I want to ha anyone readying this hasd no idea how fast I'm typing, they could estimate but thye wouldn't know for sure so ha. Reviewing what I have writtin was odd, it was like reading a trippers rants while high. My warmth. Wow, I sound so out there. I do feel that this is the way though, my path was a gift and I should appreciate it. Most people don't get to have visions of their daughter, I don't rember the face anymore, I'm so lost. This is so hard to do. I hate it. Why can't we just have our time. Alone. Away. Just the two of us and then the little one. I can't remeber her face but I can remeber that emotion. what a physical change when I think of her. I can feel the warmth surrounding my body. The love taking everything over. but then the back gives out and I kill my chakras. Transliteration sucks. 20 min of writing my thoughts is intense. the difference in punctuation is shocking, in the begging I used a lot of epsilons(mas o menos) and was excited, then I peak and nothing but chops of sentances, no punctiuations, calm down, have commas, and then periods. awesome, I lost my network connection. I wonder if that ruins this.

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27

Wow, so here I go. This is actually pretty exciting, I don't think I have ever had such a fun writing assignment. Jessica's music is on, her music was playing at the same time as mine, hers was rap, mine was "honey and the moon", weird combination. she's still listening to it. I have an aftertaste of godiva chocolate in my mouth, my sister sent me my shirt I forgot. and I was just at drews, across the hall. I wonder how I did on my bio exam. We get the grades back today in our review session. It was stressful but I think I did ok. We'll see I guess. My sheets are bright I wonder what everyone is doing at home right now. Let's see. its almost 3, so everyone's working. I miss Jude, he's so cute and now that I'm here I'm going to miss out on him taking his first steps, him first talking, etc. But it was fun watching him grow. I miss him the most. It'll be nice to be home next weekend, I want to lay out in the sun by my pool, with my dogs. Tonight's going to be busy, with me catching up in all my classes and all. But what I really want to do is see Drew, because I like hanging out with him. But then once I get back into my room, and I shut the door, that's when reality sets in, and that's when I realize that I have to stay with Scott because he needs me right now. And it wouldn't be fair after all of this. This writing assignment is pretty crazy, I still have awhile to go. Maybe I just don't have enough to write about? Let me think here. I find myself staring into my panoramic photo of a sunrise on the beach in Hawaii. It's a pretty tight picture, and I wish I could just be back there right now, instead of stressing here at school. Even though this experience is pretty awesome. I still find myself stressing more than the ordinary college student. My insecurities keep building up , until something or someone comes along and then I'll let them fall down. One of my goals is to be able to walk around with my head raised high up, chin up, smiling, confident. I wish I could be that person, but for some reason I guess I feel too uneasy about my appearances. Most likely, that is the result of going to a school with really judgmental people. Oh well, it'll just be something I need to grow out of here. That's one thing that I love about UT, no one really cares what you look like, talk like, etc. It's a nice change. Last night I had another crazy dream, I want to start writing them down but sometimes I just can't remember them. Like last night, some guys broke into my house, and they were chasing us out. But I somehow convinced them with my kindness or something (as I do in many of my dreams that are very similar to this) that they should leave us alone. I just remember showing them my "mastiff" dog. Ok, is that even a dog, or did I make that up or what. Whoa, a crazy thing that came across my mind yesterday was this thought (I was actually thinking about it yesterday in psychology class): "They say that color is the result of light being absorbed or reflected off of an object. So in order to see color, there has to be light, right? If that is true, then is it true whenever you go into a pitch black room, everything is actually without color?! I know that everything wouldn't be in black and white, but wouldn't everything be in black at least?! Everyone would be of the same color in a dark room? It's pretty mind baffling to me. " Also, I've heard that whenever you dream, you don't really dream in color, but your mind and memory make up the colors. They are not true colors. Who really knows anyways? The zipper of my Dior makeup bag is dipping into the cap of my orange juice bottle that I had this morning. Last night was all fun and games until I got home and realized how unsure I am of everything right now, and it's really not a good feeling. I guess I'm just getting used to this whole thing, just transitioning. Jess forgot to get milk last night, so I had dry cereal this morning. There is still some left in my bowl right here, I was too busy rushing around, trying to meet Scott in time for chemistry.

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6

I like this assignment I’ve done this before in my secret notebook at home which I had to bring here so peoples won't see I want to use them as my lyrics for when I’m a famous singer like Courtney love or Kathleen Hanna my body aches but I had so much fun mad crazy fun at the concert I wanna go moshing all the time even if my rents are mad at me now for saying it I should have just been quiet about the bruises but no I also have to tell them everything I don't know what my problem is I’m already in college and I still feel guilty about stuff like this zach de la rocha is fine I can't believe I saw him in person and tom morello the guitarist who went to Harvard just like my cousin. he's so kewl telling me to drink beer and skip class and all that but he doesn't understand that's just not how it goes just cuz his rents are millions of miles away and everyone in the world thinks he's smart it's not gonna work for me too I wanna try swimming (swimming means getting drunk) but I won't oh hey I have to put things in parentheses cuz people don't always understand what we're saying in our code like I wanna hook up wit some krazyass gungees like a fine black man aw yeah yes indeed I ain't gonna marry no stuffy-assed conservative person like rents want nope I don't think so man that guy in bio is damn fine but why did he quit calling me? maybe he's gay like Andrea but we don't know if Andre is totally gay he IS a theatre major and all his friends are girls how could I have doubted Brian damn him he stole josie away from me no it's ok I like me some Brian Valerie is kewl but gee whiz can she make it a little less obvious wit her boyfriend hello and the crazy suitemates next door they are so funny but I don't even know their last names hmmmmmmmm well anyway after this I gotsta head on over to parlin and to the experiment me nooferz the labrat aw yeah I gotta grow out my hair man people don't think I’m a pretty girl anymore whatever happened to the Peter’s days? I miss me some chili's but too bad it shut down those guys were skanks for real I wonder if people are looking over my shoulder and saying what the hell is she writing heather is kewl that's so weird how we're already such good friends and we've only known each other for 2 weeks weird oh god why won't that bitch north get the fuck outta my life I hate seeing her uglyass scary nasty face all over jester I wish she'd just move to India or something damn what a skank why couldn't she have stayed at you of H????!?! fuck if I know she's gonna be around for the rest of my life I think how the hell could I have been friends with her for so long. so after reading the 7 habits book, I’m a little ashamed to say that I think that I might be slightly enemy-centered meaning my thoughts focus on my enemy a lot. that is so dumb and immature but I don't want to get into old lifestyle again how can anyone be so mean and selfish and uggghhhghh I fucking want to break this computer now but it's ok so 15 minutes are up hmmmmm. I love college I love being free as the wind I hate getting lectures from my dad but I guess it's cuz he's just looking out for me but sheeesh what a way to waste a phone call hey I got my own phone plan now and I’m gonna have to start payin bills goddammit I forgot to send the visa card application grrrrr I like the weekend and I kinda like weekdays but I wish I could oh damn I forgot what I was sayin cuz I looked up oh yeah I wish I could do fun stuff all the time and I want to start a collection of boys yup boys I wonder where I would put my collection ha yer so funny well anywayz maybe I should call papooo uncle and soni auntie in new yawk I miss that place so bad I’m on a crazy mission to do well here in UT and then transfer to Columbia where I got some alumni in the house yeah and I can hang out in the village and Harlem and call heater diamond again and maybe actually say something and I can meet up wit mike d and meet Adam yauch my hero for all times and buy all the Adidas sneakers in the world it's not too cold in here like it used to be in taylor white skool that god awful place in Katy I’m glad outta there like buster Douglas cuz yo one more year and I thinks I would have to start slammin my head into the wall or something these thoughts are quite intimate won't you say I hope I’m doing this assignment right I need to get some sleep man but I don't like sleeping in the night only in the day but that don't help none when I gotta class at 8 in the morn well well ow my muscles are sore but it's a good sore I’m proud of it my nails are real shitty as I look down at this keyboard they have turned orange when will they ever be normal colored again? well it's about that time to break forth the rhythm and the rhyme I’m out wit full clout SUBMITTING NOW

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22

I am sitting in the computer lab at ESB wondering if what I'm writing will stay confidential, and I hope it doesn’t become some neato example for all the psych-kids to wanna do tests on me or something. Besides the fact that its kinda cold in here, the only other thing I can think about is how distraught I am that my girlfriend/potential wife wants to end a three year relationship. I know that I have done nothing wrong to cause the break up, and she assured me of that, and that is what confuses me. I would rather it be something about me that she didn't like rather than it be nothing at all, because I could at least come to terms with that and learn from it. She is such a wonderful woman and I love her very much. She said she doesn't NOT love me, but that these three years she has seen no internal peace, and with her graduating this fall, and with all the stress of her future, she can't bear this unrest any longer so she must stop the relationship. She told this to me just two days ago, after not seeing one another for the entire summer since she was working and out of the country while I was here doing summer school (or should I say that summer school was doing me). She just decided to leave me on her own accord and expect me to throw away three years in a single phone call. I am going crazy inside. I cannot understand why she gave up on me over the summer. She is a kind hearted woman and I know that when she told me she loved me that her words were true, and that is why I cannot understand why she's willing to let it all go. Right now I can fell my heart beat very hard. I can sense every time it moves my chest and I can see my shirt moving slightly around the area of my heart. I can see my shirt moving to the beat. My fingers are cold and my mind in total and utter confusion. I sat through two classes phasing in and out of lecture, trying to pay attention, but I can't. I told her that I am coming this weekend to college station to see her and talk to her face to face. I need to know what I can do to remedy this situation. I ask God for guidance, and I can't make out his message. I need to open my heart a lot more and let him inside and clear my mind of this so I can hear him correctly. I can feel the tears beginning to form in my eyes and I push them back very quickly so as to not let on how I am feeling to anyone in this computer lab. She tells me that there's nothing I can say to change her mind, but I need to try nonetheless. I really could use someone to pick me up right now. Now I’m thinking about my 15 hours semester course load and how its going to be so difficult to think straight with this on my mind. I've got to ask my friend/roommate to help me thorough this. 20 minutes. My times' up.

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16

I am feeling sad but feeling so much better. Yesterday was hopeless, today there is hope. I am realizing that I am so much more complete without my boyfriend than I was with him. Next time I will not let someone control my thoughts and actions so completely. Next time I will not let myself make excuses for someone. I have learned a lot. I feel like I want to kiss him so bad, to feel his lips on mine, to feel his skin on mine. I want him to hold me all night and tell me everything is all right. But in my heart I know it is. It is so hard to be his friend but I want to so much. He says he doesn't want to lose me. It is funny, we see each other more often now that we are just friends. And no that is not friends with benefits. There is no way I would let him take advantage of me like that. . but it would be so much fun. Then it would hurt so much. It's really not hard to be with him, I love being with him. The hard part is leaving him. Every time I do I feel like I may never see him again. He hugs me and says it will be ok, babe, I promise. I know he is right, it will. I just wish it was going to be like I thought it was going to be. I had such big plans for this fall. After waiting on him all summer, who could blame me? He seemed so perfect for me last May. What happened? I need to stop asking myself these questions and move on with my life, I know that. But being his friend and seeing him all the time is going to make that more difficult. I am just trying to be as sweet as possible and show that there are no hard feelings. I really am not mad at him; I just wish I could change the way he felt. Alright, that is not really true. The truth is, I wish he was a different person. I wish he was the person I imagined he was and truly believed he was all summer. Instead, I fell in love with a commitment-phobic guy who drinks to much and actually owns a rifle. I can't believe I could be so stupid. He looks so sweet and innocent. I am moving on though. Or I will be shortly. I just need to dwell for a little longer. Like I said, there is hope today. I know I am beautiful and intelligent and witty and sweet, I don't need him to tell me that. I just wish I had someone who would. I am trying so hard to be independent but I have never really had a significant other I could depend on so I guess it's not that hard. I guess I am just in love with the idea of being in love. I want to be swept off my feet. I just hope I'm not infected with that crazy disease where I can only love people who don't love me back because I want to make people love me. I really hope I don't push people away. I try so hard to be a good girlfriend but when someone doesn't call you when he says he's going to and leaves you hanging a million times, what are you supposed to do besides get upset and threaten to break up with them? I definitely put up with his shit for way too long. I know he will be a better friend than a boyfriend. It will just be so hard if I have to see him or hear about him with someone else. Especially if that someone else happens to be his ex-girlfriend. She tried to get back together with him this summer when I was 3 hours away. What a bitch, I can't believe she would do that. I hope he isn't still in love with her. Oh well, there is nothing I could do about that anyway. Didn't I say there was hope today? Well, there is: for the first time in days, I actually felt hungry. It felt so good to eat and not feel like I was going to throw up. It also felt good to not burst into tears every five minutes. Yeah, there were a few times when I would have liked to, but I think I did alright today. After all it has been only a little over 24 hours since he made his decision. I am doing very well, I think. I think it is helping that he wants to be my friend. When I told him I didn't know because it would be hard, he begged me, saying, Please try, I don't want to lose you. I am glad he did that because I don't want to lose him either. Even if he is all wrong for me, at least he can be there as a friend for me. He says he might want a relationship with me eventually but I don't want to wait for him. I can't. It would end up making me more miserable than ever. I think I am better off just going on with my life and talking to him only as a friend. I think the more I see him the more I will realize how wrong he is for me. I need someone who will put me before his buddies and who will love me with everything he has. I need someone who is ready to make a committment to me. I need someone who will send me flowers just because he is thinking about me. I need a fairytale romance, I need to be swept off my feet, I need love, real love, crazy love. Like all the songs, all the cliches, that is what I want more than anything. And I don't even know if I believe it exists. I want to, but c'mon folks, let's be realistic. Somehow my parents still manage to love each other but there is not really much passion there, at least that I am aware of. Maybe there is, but I doubt it. If true love is more than just a friendship, that means it involves chemistry and passion, but that stuff fades, it always fades. So what is to separate a strong, passionate friendship with true love? Fucked if I know. All I know is, things are really looking up for me now. I'm going to be just fine. :)

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Hi. My name is Shanique Annette Roberson. Usually when I have to write something I like to introduce myself first. I did not prewrite this I promise. I was born November 27, 1985 (the day before Thanksgiving). I am now 18 years old and am excited about being in the college of engineering at the University of Texas at Austin as a Biomedical engineering major. I love to play sports (volleyball, softball, and track), write poetry, praise dance! and enjoy nature. Some things that I would like to do before I leave Austin or before I graduate college are to go horseback riding again (preferably, to take horseback riding lessons), to go kyacking ( I don't have a clue right now as to how to spell this word), to go parasailing with a friend of mine and to visit the capitol and some of the musuems in the city. I would also like to get involved in a good service organization. I love service and helping other people. Oh! About my family. I am the daughter of Lee and Nancy Roberson of Bay City, TX. I have one older sister, Joyce Evette Roberson. My father works for a nuclear plant, my mother is a teachers aide, and my sister is in the U. S. Navy. She (my sister) has been overseas twice (yes, to Iraq as well--she said that where she was wasn't that bad at all). She has now been restationed to florida. This makes me really nervous sometimes because we are predicted to have a pretty bad hurricane season this year and many of them hit florida. She picked a bad state to go to. Anyway, I told my sister that she could go wherever she wanted as long as I could come and visit at least once (ha! Like I could really decide where she would go. I just thought I'd try it). She would have flown me to Iraq to go see the sites and to go see the pyramids in Egypt but my mom wouldn't let me go. She didn't want the both of us over there. However, I plan to go visit in Florida either during Christmas break or Spring Break. My thoughts have now shifted to the Wells family. This is a family or couple that I meet on a plane my eighth grade summer. I had gone to National Baptist Conference in Florida and was flying back to houston by myself. They told my god-mother, who was with me before the flight, that they would keep an eye on me. When we got to houston we exchanged info and said we would keep in touch. Now, usually when this happens, people don't really keep in touch but in this case we have kept in touch for over 4 years now. We send each other cards, call each other and all that good stuff. I think that that is just amazing. What esle to talk about???? OK I am just getting words now. (Friends, other homework, love,Oh) Let me tell you about the home I would like. I was raised in a somewhat country area and I came seem to get awat from that. I would like to build a big country house with a large bay area window, sunlight roof in the kitchen or some area of the house, maybe a lake, and I know that I want horses, dogs, and cats. I don't know why but this picture always comes into my head when I think of what I want my future home to look like. Also I have to have a porch that goes all the way around with at least one swing on it and most definitely atleast one walk in closet. I don't know exactly where I would like this house but I think I would like it to be somewhere in TX. Time is almost up and this is about all that I can think of right now anyway so bye and I will see you next time. The one and only.

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O. K. Here I am in the computer lab in my dorm. I really do not know what to say because I have never had an assignment like this before. Anyway, college life is very different from my high school life. I do no t drink therefore being with a complete different crowd of people, I find myself being very uncomfortable. I suppose once I get settled and used to my new surroundings that everything will be fine. Don't get me wrong, I love UT. I could not wait to get here, it is just the whole different atmosphere. I have met a lot of interesting people so far and I am sure there are many left to find and meet. My classes are so much more time consuming than I ever expected. I joined a sorority this year and now I never seem to have any time to myself. Then there is the whole boyfriend situation. My boyfriend goes to A&M. Real convenient right. I miss him so much when I am here. He is the best person I have ever met in my entire life. His generosity, compassion, sensitivity, and love amaze me. I am so happy when I am with him. He is coming tomorrow to see me. Needless to say I am counting down the hours and minutes until he arrives. I have so much planned for us to do. I am fine being with out him. Long distance relationships are harder than you think they would be. We are making it work however. I have never trusted anyone as much I do him. I think it is the same with him. I am not nervous about him being in a different town or setting - I know he would never do anything to hurt. It is just the whole being apart thing. it has only been two weeks since we have seen each other. Sounds like a short time to everyone else but they just do not understand. that is another thing. I do not think many people understand me. My boyfriend, Jay does- very well- it is almost scary well he knows and understands me. it also provides comfort though. I cannot believe this whole paper has turned into a description of my life with my boyfriend. Anyway, he is coming tomorrow like I said and I cannot wait. Next weekend I am going home to Lufkin. Jay is going with me. I was on drill team and will be returning to the homecoming game. It will be a nice break from the hectic college world. I miss my bed. there is something about YOUR bed. the ones here are not the same. I miss my dog too. She is so sweet and loving. She used to sleep with me and now there is not a lump in the foot of my bed. Well I believe my time is up. this was fun. I have never sat down and written out my thoughts and feelings - I think it helps!

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I am thinking about the pain in my throat right now, I have mono. Soon I will find out whether or not I have strep throat. In fact , I need to call the medical center hotline later, although I guess it really doesn't matter that much because I am already taking penicillin. Last night I could not sleep at all I was in so much pain. I would try and try to forget about the pain, and finally slip of into sleep. But, then about an hour later I would wake up and wish I was dead, not literally, but I just wish the pain would go away. I can deal with feeling sick all the time because I know that will eventually go away. I have so much stuff I need to do still, but I never have the energy to do it. I miss all of my family and sometimes feel lonely, but, I guess that is part of growing up. Texas plays Rudgers this weekend here and I already have my tickets, I wonder what that whole day will be like. I also miss all of my friends from high school, but I got two letters 2 days ago. I always feel sort of lonely at the start of school. Even when I was a little kid I would be really nervous when starting school, but it always ended up getting better by the end of the year. I was so ready to get out of my house this summer, my mom and I argued all the time. But, now I seem to really miss them, I think because I am sick I miss them even more because they have always been there to comfort me when I was sick. I wonder how my brothers are doing, I haven't talked to them in a couple of weeks. Everything here at UT is overwhelming, the system just doesn't seem to care about me. The people here are nice, but the red tape is difficult to cut through. I hope I can actually make good grades in my Calculus class, which is really hard. I guess I need to get a tutor and work on not putting my assignments off to the last minute. Computers are really interesting. They seem like part of the "system" and red tape involved in everything. Not that I don't appreciate or like technology, It just isn’t personal at all. I need people around me in order to feel good and have fun, that is why I think I miss my family, they were always there to talk to. I know I can graduate from college, but I sometimes wonder whether or not I really can. I also wonder about the many paths my life could take. Will I be truly happy in the future? Will somebody love me enough to marry me? Will I ever find a person I want to marry. What job will I have, how much money will I make. Will I be as successful as my Dad? Can I live up to all of the expectations of my family? Sometimes I see answers to these questions, I don't know how, and what are these visions, are they just part of my imagination? I feel like time is passing and I am not really making an impact.

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This blank screen is staring at me and my fingers are moving in my peripheral vision and this screen is so retarded. I wonder why I put 3 dots at the end of that sentence and who made that up anyway. my shoulders are getting sore-I probably shouldn't type with my arms straight out like this. I wonder if that helps combat carpal tunnel syndrome-ok, I’m going to scoot up. I can't believe its Sat at 700 PM and I'm writing this. I'm such a nerd. actually I'm not. ,. I'm cool--but that's all relative I guess. I’m really into drinking my coffee and I’m staring at my green porcelain coffee cup with its drip coffee stains already on the side from where my lips have been. steam is rising out of the top and I really want to pick it up and have a sip of it but then this writing isn't continuous is it? Jewel is playing in the background volume 5 and she's kind of distracting. here comes foolish games. I can totally relate. I wonder if Scott is thinking about me right now--I hope he's not the T. A for this class. This is so incredibly weird. I think I like him but I’m not sure. he reminds me of Scott wolf and I can't stand him is that a bad sign? I like Richard's accent too. wow English accents are really cute. Like in London. all of the guys were so amazing. especially that one in the subway that looked like Gavin Rossdale but he was speaking Italian so I doubt it was him. I wonder How Liz is doing? And Michelle? Why isn't Ken calling me? I hate it when guys ask for your number and then never ever call you back. or else they wait a really long time to do it. Kind of like max. I wonder how he's doing I wonder about his dumb model sister in Paris. whatever. I love Jewel. I want to play piano right now even though I haven't played in six years. my gosh it's 7 :20 already and this is pretty fun. I should probably get a diary and do this in it but then what if someone reads it and thinks I'm a rambling idiot? I have an ache in my heart about the council. I wonder why my name isn't on the list? I swear, my application was the best one out of all of them. They are so retarded. Maybe it was too sweet and idealistic. maybe they think I'm full of crap and Making it up. but I really think that way. Maybe it's cause I was listening to Jewel at the time,. I wonder when my roommates are getting home they are so active. of course they didn't have to get up at 700am this morning for crew tryouts. Ok, I probably didn't make it cause those chicks are total hosses. I have a lot of respect for those girls on the team. I wonder if St4eve will get back to me on being the coxin. I have no idea how to spell that word. my tongue is dry and why did I staple Scott’s number to an orange sticky note so it's staring right back at me? He writes like such a guy. My walls are so bare. and the st4reaks of light from the blinds are coming in golden. I wish I could write songs like Jewel. I want to play the guitar well too. I miss my Dad. he's staring back at me from my wall and he looks kinda sideways and I wonder why I returned that dress. this screen is so confusing I lose my place my toe hurts and I feel full. My wrap was gross though. I can't believe they didn't take my CDs--they’re so retarded. My tailbone hurts and I hope I'm not sore tomorrow Steve was a bit extreme. I keep hitting the wrong keys I really need to get to the container store and get some hangers but I know I need to do my homework. I hate calculus homework. I’m dreading it. I wonder why I’m so down and pessimistic today? I'm usually not. Oh--gosh, I've got so much stuff to do and organize and my thirty minutes is about done. I wonder if I typed more than other people did and I wonder if a TA. actually reads all this crap and how he grades it? weird. Maybe I should play my guitar.

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Why am I doing this? I don't feel like typing for 20 minutes. this is bound to be very boring. i'm already bored. i still have way too much time to kill. I'm really hungry. haven't had breakfest yet. i need to finish my homework though. I want to go out this weekend. my brother is also coming into town. I'm still bored. As usual, a song pops into my head when iu am really bored. I'm wearing no pants right now. its somewhat drafty. i'm going to look out my window now. no one is outside. i want some fresh air but i still have 16 minutes to go. I really should have taken a shower before i started this. Still hungry. my roomate is studying. i feel like bothering him. i just got offered a single room but i'm not taking it. I really want to listen to some music while i do this but i can't. we're not going to make it pops into my head. I''m now going to stare at the poster on my wall. I really should throw out the trash and make my bed. I still have to read my psychology textbook before i leave for my next class. I also need to workout. I need to learn out to type 80 words a minute. damn my fhand hurts. sucks to have tendonitis in both hands. 12 minutes to go and still extremely bored. I'm reaching my angry stage right now. I want to eat and i have to kill 11 more minutes, Might as well try some meditation. still have yet to decide if i want to finish my work before i go out tonight or if i do. I need to go meet someone tonight so i guess i better work. hey at least i'm halfway through. it would suck to be in prison. Now i jsut got a random word in my head. disestablishmentariasm. well then moving on. considering my week, its been pretty awful. I almost got mugged, someone got arrested for dealing drugs nearby me on that same night, and i accomplished nothing. i need to become more motivated. not going to school for a year does that to you. I really need to go learn judo. my sheets are looking pretty messy. i must go fold them in 7 minutes. i need to organize my books to and buy some new laundry detergent. Well if i am going to waste my time writing for 20 minutes i might as well make a shopping list. yesterday i watched orange county it was pretty amusing. then i went and did dance dance. yeah i really suck at that game. I really have almost nio hand to eye coordination. no wonder i took up pool recently. almost 5 minutes left. i think i should have made myself some green tea before starting this. eh i might go skip the crappy lunchs they serve at the cafeteria and go use my 5 bucks at pizza hut. i like pizza hut. its better than a lot of pizza chains. no pizza beats this one pizza place in greenwich connticut. i used to walk a a mile to get to eat it when i was `10. those were the days. man my trash is full. i wish we could open our window. this room has a weird smell. must be all the ants i killed. stupid dorm is infested. i want to go play some pool today. i've been practicing for 3 months straight to beat my brother at it. He took me for some money last time and this time i will dominate. well enough with my evil plans (insert dr evil laugh). i have 2 minutes remaining and i am still very bored. i need to go take my vitamins. i think i need to buy some good cologne all the after shave i use isn't quite that great. It burns like hell especially since i hate to shave. if there was electrolysis for the face i would do it. well only 30 seconds left. i better save this in case it somehow gets deleted. it turned out to be somewhat fun. well not really. and i'm done.