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Crap, I was half way through this assignment and my computer just cut out or something. I really hope it didn't already submit because I don't want to screw up my credit for this paper. Great, now I'm completely paranoid that I've managed to screw up something so simple. I'll keep my fingers crossed. I need all the help I can get to do well in this class. Actually, I haven't worried about my grades in a long time. When tests start, I'll panic. It's really hard to focus in my morning classes during lectures. I never get enough rest. My schedule's all out of order. I can't fall asleep until around two or three and then have to wake up at seven. I'm tired all day long. I hear my TV and want to go watch it. I always put stuff off and watch too much television. I have a problem with procrastinating. I never used to be this bad. I'm scared that since I can't get on a study plan, I'll fail. I hate it when I over use a word when I'm writing. I feel like I haven't written enough, but does length matter? My birthday is next week, which somewhat depresses me. I'm not close to any of my friends, and I'm scared they're going to forget about me. I feel like the only loser out of my friends who's not having this great college experience. It's not that I'm homesick, just kind of restless and bored. I haven't met that many people and frankly, feel like an outcast. My head hurts, but I have no tylenol. I hate swallowing pills. I used to break them up and put them in yogurt. I'm such a wuss. My roommate went home for the afternoon. I'm glad she is gone. She can be a little much with the extreme cleanliness. I went out of town one weekend, and she made my bed. I don't really want her invading my space and touching my things.

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i hope that i can finish my genetics homework by the middle of this week. and i hope that i can somehow get in touch with my genetics teacher and TA. that's really important to me. i also wish that there was something like key club i could join. so that i could go do some community service. preferably with children. i love kids. they're so cute. today i saw some 1 and 2 year olds playing in the playground outside of church. they were so incredibley cute. ben knew right away that i wanted to take them home. whenever i say that, i'm not actually SERIOUS. i just meant that i wish i had some kids, even though i'm only 18 and i plan on staying in school for at LEAST another 6 years. plus the 3 years of residency after medical school. i hope i do well on my mcats. i should probably sign up for that class at the princeton review. either that or i need to start taking time out in my day to practice in my mcat book. and i'm almost positive that i'm going to make it into medical school. there's almost no doubt in my mind. although there is a little, because of some of the statistics that people have been telling me. something about how only 200 people from UT make it into medical school a year. i wonder if it matters that i'm not using hardly any proper grammer or punctuation marks. i almost forgot how to spell punctuation. i used to be a really good speller. and my vocabulary used to FANTASTIC. seriously. it's gone down though, because i just don't read as much. i wish i did. i wish i've read alot of books that daniel has, then we'd have more in common. he's so much like jenny's daniel that it's freaky. they look alike, talk alike, and they even act alike! alike. same. my asian american studies teacher says that those words don't mean the same. i just used that word to describe itself. i'm pretty sure that that's not right, but i guess there's nothing i can do about it. janet's been gone for an hour now. it's alway so lonely without her in the room, but i don't mind it so much. that way, i can actually get some work done. not that i don't get anything done when i'm with her, but obviously she'd be a distraction. and since i get distracted so easily, the less people to talk to, the better. am i supposed to just stop typing at exactly 20 minutes? or will the screen change for me? and what's the point of this anyways? i wasn't in the first class, so i don't have any clue what this is for or if it's a grade. and now i'm listening to some weird music that i downloaded. i guess it really isn't weird, i've just never heard it before. it's kind of like rap. or a mix of some sort. interesting. it keeps repeating i'm a freak, it's a little annoying. hopefully the words will change. if they don't in. 15 seconds. i'll change the song myself. oh what do you know, now it's adding like 3 more words or something. hahaha. does it count that i typed myself laughing? does that even make sense? oh goodness, i'm changing this song. it's getting to me. AHAHAHA. as soon as i finished typing that, the song ended. that was pretty funny. wow, i've already been typing for 10 minutes. i guess i shouldn't be surprised, i don't ever have a problem just rambling on. my back hurts from hunching over, so now i'm sitting up really straight. i like the rain, except that i don't like the humidity. i just thought of that because i looked out the window and it's getting dark. well, it should be getting dark anyways, because it's almost 8. speaking of the time, why hasn't andy called me? he said he'd call me when he went to go eat dinner today. he always does that. i miss hanging out with andy and ben so much. they're always doing their own thing now, and i guess that's a sign that i need to go out and make my own new friends. but i just like hanging out with them, you know? and i like their friends. especially daniel. i'm always wondering what he's thinking; that boy is so quiet. i wish i knew what he thought of me. i really really wish that andy and ben were more. what's the word? protective? of me. i'd really like it if they called me to do things with them, or just to hang out with them when they're not doing anything. that would make me so happy. i haven't seen thi tran in a week. i wonder what she's up to? i should have called her, but i don't know why i didn't. i had a headache like 20 minutes ago, but after all this random writing and stuff, i've almost forgotten about it. i want to watch some disney movies. i haven't seen one of those in a LONG time, and they're all so great. i saw part of harry potter yesterday. i love that movie. i talked to daniel though, and he said that he likes the book better than the movie. which i guess is true. book to movie translations are never good. my phone just rang. some lady wanted to know if i had any junior girls and senior boys in my family or something. i have no idea what for. something about research. that was strange. tonight i'm going grocery shopping with janet and steven. she really likes steven. and he really likes her; i've been telling her that all week. it seems that me and janet are really going to get along. i hope so. i love her so much; she's so much fun. oh yeah, so about the book to movie translations. i HATED the count of monte crist movie. the new one that is, i've never seen the old one. i mean, the book is my most favorite in the world, and in the movie they had to go screw around with things. and they left out alot of GREAT parts too. it made me so sad that i cried. priscilla and stephanie and josh thought i was funny when that happened. ben and andy were watching black hawk down when we were in the other theater. it's funny how i remember little things like that, but it takes a bit more for me to remember the things that i need to. for example: things i need to do, what to study, things i've studied. and my 20 minutes are almost up. there's 30 seconds or so left. so i suppose that this is the end of my writing assignment. i hope this is sufficient. or i'm going to feel silly. oh well. no time to change it now. BYE!

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I enjoy doing writing assignments liek these. You get to write about just about anything that pops into your mind. the bad part about this type of assignment is when you really don't have anything to think about or when you have a brian fart. I wounder just how my performance in this class is going to be. Whether I will do poorly in the class or good or just average enough to pass the class. But among those thought, I also wounder how this semester is going to go. I hope that I am going to be able to do well enough to bring my GPA up so that I am able to get more scholarships fo next year. Man, when I notice what I am thinking about, I notice that I really think about things that may affect me in certain ways. Like doing homework for my classes or whether or not I'm going to have enough money to pay my rent or my cell phone bill or my other bills. But as I take the time to think, I feel that I will be forced to get another job so that I will be able to afford all this new responseablity that I have taken on. Its not always easy to write exactly what your thinking about a certain time. But right now its hard for me to do anything when all I'm thinking about it how bad I feel right now. Right now I have a stuffed and runny nose, and I am also sore from working out on wensday. It hurts for me to walk up the stairs or to strech out of to even lift up anything heavy. I think I worked myself out a little too much, I feel that I tried to push myself a little more then I should have since it was my first day working out since last semester. I think I screwed myself by not continuing to workout over the summer break. All I did was work to pay off some of my bills that I acquired over last semester for books and other various reasons. Its funny how when you set yourself to doing something and son't pay attention to the time, time really seems to fly by. Take this assignment for example. I started to write what I was thinking and now that I look at how long I've been writing, I've noticed that I have already been writing for a little over 16 minutes now and it does even seem like it. It merely seems like I've been writing for about 5 minutes. If all the assignments were like this one, I bet pretty much every one would do good, cause its not hard to talk about what your thinking about at a particular time. You can just about write about anything you want, whether it is a event happening in your life or just something you feel like getting off your chest, all you have to to is merely just type it in and be able to get it off your chest and get a grade while doing it too.

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I begin by wondering exactly what purpose this assignment serves. I also wonder what will pass as the year goes on. Caffeine. I suddenly have a craving for caffeine. I would get up and grab a Dr. Pepper, but that would interrupt my writing process. What would it be like to be known as Dr. Steve? Do I really intend to go through with getting my doctorate? And if so, what happens afterwards? It boggles the mind to think of the ways in which I may change over the next several years. Wow, I certainly am typing fast. On my old computer, there would have been a delay between the time I pushed the keys and when they appeared on the screen. I very much like this new flatscreen, it certainly goes well with my new system. Every computer I build has some odd quirk to it that no other system demonstrates. It may be my fondness for ATI video cards, or it could be my personality reflecting in the way that I put these things together. All in all, the system works well, but there are times when I just want to drop-kick it out the window. That, however would involve opening the blinds, which would expose me to the eye-squinting sunlight. I have always rather disliked the direct sunlight, partly because it is directly associated with heat. I can stand heat when it causes immediate, measurable pain, such as the burning of a hot pan handle. However, the discomfort of extended exposure to the hot, sticky, mind-numbing Texas sun can drive me insane! There is a point after which I do not care, but sometimes it seems as if that point never comes. Time is certainly a subjective concept to the human brain. The saying Time flies when you're having fun" is absolutely true in this respect. If only it were the other way around: uncomfortable situations seem shorter, and the pleasant experiences extended. Alas, that is merely wishful thinking. My roommate's girlfriend just called three times within a 15-minute period. Ah, there he is. "The ol' ball and chain just called", says I. What an interesting concept this telephone is. From pretty much anywhere in the world, you can have instant contact with anyone else that has a similar device. Of course, there is a slight delay due to the limits of the speed of light, but as long as you are on Earth, this is a relatively slight matter. Last week, I spent time with my family looking at Mars in my dad's telescope. Mars will not be closer for next to 250 years, and it hasn't been this close in nearly 60,000 years. From what I have read and heard, though, it has been within a few hundred miles of this distance in the last several years. Calling last week an especially special occasion is barely the truth. The difference is like standing in Manhattan, walking 10 steps towards New Jersey, and saying that it looks closer. One-hundred odd miles in over thirty-four million? Absurd! Looking at the timer, it appears to be about time to wrap it up. Wow, I just had to correct my spelling on the fly about ten times. I guess that it's not as easy to type correctly when there is another person in the room.

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Well, this assignment is interesting. I don't think I have ever attempted to write for 20 minutes straight. I wonder if I have ADHD or ADD or if its just because I am a drummer. Wow! I have only gone for a minute and I am already bored. Um. I was watching the Cowboy game and they won 20-17. Vinyl did well but threw an interception. I think he will be good this year as lond as he doesn't get hurt. He has a good delivery and is really good at reading defenses. Speaking of defenses (I doubt this has any relation) but anyways I didn't make the hockey team today and it was really disappointing. I really wanted to make it and thought that I had a decent chance. Maybe I gave myself too much credit. Maybe I am not big enough or something. I wish I could have made it but I suppose that one was up to the coach and God. Speaking of God (random again) I went to a really neat church last Sunday. Its name is Glad Tidings. It is an assembly of God Church (although I am Lutheran I think it might be a good match because it has really awesome worship and the pastor gives interesting sermons). I miss my old church though. My youth minister back home is getting ordained this weekend. I am unsure if I should go home this weekend. I don't know. I think I will stay here because I really want to force myself to become independent even though that would entail me doing the laundry this weekend. I am really tired tonight but I suppose I will do my best to continue typing the entire 20 minutes. But along the thought of the laundry business. I have tried to hold off on doing it until next weekend (was going to do this weekend but I think I can make it until then). It has been really hot lately. It was brutal last Saturday trying to run in the morning. It was so humid. It eventually rained but not until after the practice. I have never been so sore in my life. I am still sore but I guess it doesn't matter seeing as I am not going to be playing for the team. I suppose it is sort of a waste but maybe I will try and keep in shape. I don't know though. We will see. Well I am half-way there. I am still tired and I am finding this assignment very boring and I suppose that would imply that my thoughts are boring. Kind of sad I suppose. I wish I weren't so lonely tonight. Just me and the TV. A horrible invention it is. Ruins relationships and limits time for many individuals. But I suppose it helps many escape. I like to escape by playing video games. I think I might play one in a few minutes when I get done with this thing. But yaw. I really like my playstation and probably spend too much time on it but it is really fun and entertaining. I am still tired. Still tired but only about 7 minutes to go! Hurray! This makes me excited. I didn't have an antecedent before the "this" nor did I there but that was because I quoted the previous mistake. I wonder who just walked by my room. It sounded like two girls. I wonder if there really is a girl out there for me. Probably. I hope so. One can only hope can't one? It's funny, I accidentally made a typo and said can't none which if one thought about it logically would produce the same effect but if one thought about it from a Texas perspective it would have the opposite negative and depressing effect. I hope for the logical. I heard a Papa John's commercial. I wonder how they can claim they have "better ingredients, or better pizza?" It is subjective I would think. There is another weather report on TV. I find it interesting that people watch weather reports as if they could do anything to alter them (I usually just go with the flow). The flow of the easy river I guess. It is 11 o'clock. Only a minute left. Here's my chance to say something deep. I really can't think of anything but live the Golden rule and you will find yourself a better person. Love is all you need as Paul said (the Beatle of course. Lol). That's it!

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I need to get to my dorm soon so I can get ready to work out that place was so crowded yesterday, there wasn't hardly any machines open, maybe today since it's a different time the machines will be open with more of a selection. I hope they are serving something good for dinner, I didn't like those spicy chicken nuggets for lunch, I'm starting to get hungry now, but I know you shouldn't eat before you work out. I wonder if anyone will actually read this, they must see some weird things when going through all of these. This seems like it will be a fun and interesting class, but my geology class is going to be difficult for me. I never have liked science classes. Chemistry was the worst class I took in high school. I'm glad I'm not in high school anymore, but I'm not exactly thrilled about being here either, I thought it would be tons of fun, but it hasn't been the greatest yet, I guess I neeed to give it more time to see if I'll find more friends, all the girls in my dorm seem to be really nice, maybe I can become good friends with them, but then I think about my friend back home and the close relationships I had, I think that I'll never friend any more friends that close, but I guess I needd to give it more time, I haven't even been here a week yet. I wonder if classes will get harder next week, I'm scared I'll have too much work to do. I hope all the work I have to do on the computer can get done, hopefully the labs won't get too full. I wonder why they haven't opened the lab in my dorm yet It seems like they would when school starts, but they are waiting until monday. They should know the professors assign work the first day, I wish the computer in my room would hook up to the internet but I know It's probably too old to connect with the ethrocard, and even if I got that I know it would be so slow, just like it was when it was connected at my house. At least it's there if I ever need to type an essay or any kind of paper. But, may be at christmas I can get a new computer. Christmas seems so far away, but I bet once school gets going the time will fly by. It'll be nice to have almost a whole month for Christmas break. Wow I've written a lot. I didn't think I would think of anything to write about. But I just let my thoughts flow and look how much I've jumped aroud I went to about 5 different subjects. And now my time is almost up. I'm kind of worried the assignment for some reason won't get to you, like it will get lost on the internet or something, I don't trust computers all that much I would feel better If I turned it in personally but hopefully it gets there. Yeah times up see you in class!!!

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my mom should be here in about 45 min are we going out to eat or will I have to wait till we get home. who will get the front seat in her car? I wonder what will be going on in temple when we get back should I go to the football game or hang out with Adam and his friends. it will be our anniversary tomorrow so I should do something with him tomorrow and go to the game tonight. my poor puppy. I really miss him I hope he doesn't shrivel up and die like my mom said sometimes to pets when their owners go away to college. he's been staying under my bed even at dinner. this must be serious. I wonder if Adam and I will stay together. I know that every time a big transition in our lives has occurred, like school starting, things have always been kind of weird. now I guess it's just the same thing. we have a lot of fun one day and then the next thing are weird. I guess that it is just us adjusting. I can't believe that Lori talked about all of the guys who have stalked her for 25 min this morning in the loudest voice possible. now the whole house knows how desirable she is. this song is annoying but if I get up and change it I won't be able to get back on my writing track. it's over now. she even brought up that guy who threw her in the trash can when she rejected him. she told us that that was back in sixth grade. I guess she is just feeling insecure and needs to tell people that others really do like her. she needs to work on her social skills. I feel sorry for Lindsey. she on the other hand seems to be doing great. I guess she bonded with the other girls during the smoke breaks. it kind of sucks that things that I don't want to do , like smoke or drink keeps me from getting closer to the other girls in the house. after all it is only the second week and I'm sure things will change. I haven't really met that many new people that I want to develop friendships with but strangely I don't even care. I like being by myself more than I used to. I guess that is normal, maybe even a defense mechanism. my mom should be here in half an hour now. I don't even really miss anything about home, except for my dog of course, probably because I distanced myself from it enough that I was even disgusted with the town in the last week. that helped. I'm glad that I can analyze my own feelings and realize why I'm having them. it helps sort things out and helps me realize that I am having normal reactions to a big transition. I hope that misty is doing alright. I can't believe that Alyson said that about her. she is so inconsiderate and self centered. she wants to hang out on Saturday but I really have no desire to see her. she has become somewhat of a slut in my opinion. twenty minutes is up it was nice talking to you Mr. computer. you should be a therapist

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Well this labor day was good. i got to spend it with some very special people to me, and also since it was my b-day, I got to have a lot of fun with those people! hehe gosh. i spent a full 3 dayz a way from home, and not a care about school! Well I take that back, since I am doing one of my psy assignments. hehehe. but none the less, I did not really think about homework! hehe it is great! I wonder why everyone thinks I am a freak!! I just don't like veggies! Is that so hard to believe? They just don't taste good to me. much like steak does not taste good to vegitarians! Sheeesh. i take more shit about that than I do about anything else. haha hmmm. soo I need to be getting back to austin here pretty soon, so I can get some of my other work done, and actually go to work! But I really don't want to. haha. why is it that our society has become based on laziness? Why is it that everyone thinks it is better not to work? When did this change from a hard working, earn your living, society come about? Our society is degenerating!! Ain't it sad! Sheeeesh. we could. man. oh well. my 20 minutes is up! GUess you don't get to hear the end of that one! :)

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it is a beautiful day outside and I hope to enjoy it as best I should I am listening to one of my favorite bands. this song matches my mood perfectly. I feel like I should be doing something with my life and I'm not, and it's very har to get along in this university without feeling lonely now and then. I find beauty in very conventionally ugly things and this is why I love photography so much. the pictures I have up on my walls reflect my personality a lot. there are so many aspects of me that people never get to see and it hurts when they judge without knowing me personally. I see in color in the sense that I see the most vibrancy and brightness in everything. my room here is finally starting to smell lik ehome and that's one of the first things I notice when I come in. I'm glad I ended up at ut. I thought I was kind of chickening out by coming here. it's the only place I applied to. I'm a freshman this year and I really hope to get out in 3 years, since I have 34 hours of credit from exams. I hope I can get out in 3 years because I want to feel good about myself and not feel inferior to my peers. I have a lot of issues about who I am and that's why psychology fascinates me so. I understand a lot of who I am more than most people my age. I'm feeling very wise right now and although my boyfriend is a year older than me, I sometimes feel years older than him. I might want to marry him someday and I worry about that. I miss the way things were 2 years ago when I was carefree I feel very burdened and I sometimes think I'm not experiencing college because I feel that way so often. I've always had so much to do that when I don't, I can't relax and I get really anxious. if I'm not stressed out I think I'm missing something. when I watched president bush speak last night I cried because I'm so worried that he will be reelected. I am an avid kerry fan and feel passionately about politics and when I hear bush lie and make empty promises and see people believe what he's saying it affects me deeply. I want to make a difference in the world someday. I hope I will grow to be someone great. my past relationships have been sneaking up on me recently an d things on that front are disturbing an dmaking me feel regretful. I there are some things that I remember so perfectly about the past and I don't know why they stick out. I know that there is something special inside me and I hope I can do something great in this world. I remember going to europe two years ago and feeling so happy with myself and who I was and I don't have any clue about that anymore. I find peace in knowledge. wondering stresses me out. I used to write a lot of poetry and I still feel just as expressive but now the words don't flow as well. I think that as I've grow up, my poetic naivete has faded as has any talent I had. I feel bery inferior to people that don't know me they look at me like I have no self worth and it bothers me. I am a government major and a psych minor but some people think because I'm in liberal arts I have no direction in my life and that is so frustrating. it frustrates me when people think I am stupid. I have almost no tolerance for ignorance yet I get mad when people do that. I am very analytical, mayb eoveranalytical, and its gotten me into a lot of trouble in my life I miss conor and what we had a few years ago and I miss our friendship I need to feel safe and comforted in order to be successful and I am very dependent on other people in my life to do that for me. when we weren't 100 miles apart I miss justin in many ways and that bothers me he was the most detrimental person in my life and still is so far and last night I was thinking about those three days that were the worst in my life and there is only 1 thing I can do to get past that. I don't know if I will ever. one of my main goals in life is to be understood and I feel very misunderstood by people that don't take the time to get to know me and I feel that the first impressions I give are not very accurate. I am very emotional and I know that just thinking about certain things will make me burst into tears it makes me feel inferior to do that. I feel guilty when I cry because things could be a lot worse. I want this world to improve and I want to help it do so. I need a lot of love. ramon and I have something really special he makes me feel so loved we have been together for two whole years and I want to be with him forever I want to make him happy and I want him to make me happy until we are old and I want to share everything I have with him. I wasn't sure about that until recently but now I feel more passionately about our relationship than I ever have. sometimes I cry out of neither sadness nor happiness and its hard to explain to anyone else it feels like I cry out of understanding a complex emotion that I never was able to before. if a song really touches me and I connect to it I will almost definitely cry. I think that makes me special. I think I am more compassionate than most people. music is one of the most powerful mediums of communication there is it makes me feel freer than anything else except possibly writing. the sound of this song is so familiar and it reminds me of good memories

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The Complete Works of Shakespere is a very large book and although I've skimmed through King Lear and Hamlet and a little bit of the old Twelfth Night, I reckon it would take me about a year and a half reading every day to get through that whole book. I'm glad I could change my schedule during add/drop because getting up at eight just would have not happened at all. Sexie Sady, she lastest and the greatest of them all. did you know the world was waiting just for you oo ooo Sexie Sady or Sadie, however big you think you are areaeaereare. You'll get yours yet. Abby's massage to the alternative take to this song. All those weird little encounters. This assignment better be like confidential. A man's thoughts word for word over twenty minutes by definition should be filled with nasty gutter talk and such, but for the sake of the grader, this stream of continuous mental blabber shall be filtered convieniently for filthynesses sake. Helter Skelter would you want me to make you? Tell me tell me tell me the answer Helter Skelter Helter Skelter Helter Skelter ooooooo! Aw here she come! Nice slide guitar work ther, George, when I get to the botom I go back to the top of the slide Do you don't you want me to make you? Comin dowm fast but don't let me break you. You may be a lover, but you aint no dancer. Helter Skelter Helter Skelter LOOK OUT! Arpeggio Arpeggio Arpeggio (slide guitar guitar guitar) THis is fun. Noise, and back into the song once more. once more. Hahahaha. Next cut, fellows. It's not necessary to go on for say fifteen minutes. Now a nice quiet one. No one will ever read this. Time to change the announcement on my answering machine. I'll have my computer do it again, but in a differnt voice than that man voice named Bill or whatever. I must go Junda Hu's office hours today and hand in me homework, lest I be penalized. Where is RLM? Where will I go after that. Will I take a shower. Yes. Will I wear my pledge pin or on the same plane, will I wear a collard shirt around campus this afternoon. I've had a pleasant and not so well deserved morning lounging around the room while my good buddy went off to an 8oclock class this morning. Too bad for him, although I probably should have ittited off to Junda Hu's. We go over stuff that I know too well already, but the homework definately should have been put up then. After Pledge Line I probably will not make class in the morning Friday, but I know that I really should go. That would be a very terrible habit to fall into although I know many upperclassmen that not only do not go to class on a whim, but sell back half their newly bought books Like Brent right at the beginning of the semester just for full retail reimbursement and on hopes to just wing it all from the course packets and what not. I'ts funny when people in conversation use "and whatnot. " It really says a lot about tha speaka and grabs the attention of the listener because that little turn of the tongue is not too oftern used any more. THe directions said not to pay attention to sentence structure and such a dn that is good because right now I am mayor of run-on city. I suppose those who waste the time to right all this down on paper first and transcribe their stuff will pretty it up a bit and the experiment will be botched like that. enough. I used to do this kind of stuff in 6th grade En

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My first thought is that this assignment is akward. This assignment is not the traditional type of work that I have done in any of my classes. But I am extremely relieved that this assignment is not difficult. I just have to write for twenty minutes straight without stopping or doing anything else. I can't believe that the weekend just came and went. It seemed like I was in class just hours ago, looking forward to the weekend. Now, Monday is already here. The long week of classes stares right in my face. But I don't like concentrating on the negative parts of life. I like to be happy; therefore, I think happy thoughts. I am glad that the UT football team beat Rutgers. I sure didn't miss sitting in the firey heat at the stadium! I'm glad the team is doing well. I can't exactly say that about Ricky Williams and his NFL debut on Sunday. He did okay; 40 yards in 10 rushes. That's an average of four yards per carry. But he hurt his ankle. Again! I really think he just needs to rest up and play when there is no pain at all. I know he is a tough guy, and it must be really tough for him to sit out a game. I am just like that, except I don't get paid millions and millions of dollars to play sports! In other sports-related news, the Houston Astros have won ten games in a row. I am really happy about that. It looks like the 'stros will be making the post-season for the third straight year. The team looks good on paper. I have high hopes, but at the same time, I do not want to be disappointed if they lose. I probably won't even worry about the play-off games too much. I will be too busy in college! Speaking of college, I need to find me a girlfriend. This really does mean a lot to me. But at the same time, I don't want a girlfriend just to have one. I want a special one. But those are hard to find. I guess I just need to be patient and wait for that right girl to walk into my life. But I really do get lonely sometimes. That part of my heart will always be empty. That's life though; I have to learn to deal with my discomforts. Looking for a girlfriend, it doesn't help that I'm butt-ugly! I know that my personality is great, but women aren't looking for that nowadays. They want a good looking guy. Actually, women want that good-looking guy who is extremely nice and has a great personality. Unfortunately in life, guys are either handsome or have a good personality. It's hard to find a guy with both of those characteristics. Me, I'm the good personality guy. I have faith in God, and I will leave this matter in God's hands. I guess I ended up negative anyway. But I like to be happy. I want to think happy thoughts. Right away, I think about the summer program I just did. I taught seventh and eighth graders. They come from the inner city, and they have that stereotype label placed on them. But these kids are great. They have great potential. Unfortunately, they have very easy access to negative resources. But I'm just trying to be a good role model to them. I taught math for six weeks. The progam was a whole lot of fun! I did so much with the kids. I took them out to malls, movies, Celebration Station, UH's game room, Astroworld, an Astros game, and skating. Every single one of those was tons of fun. If you asked me to choose my funnest event, it would be a tie between all of them. But right now, I really miss those kids. It's amazing how you can become attached to those kids in a matter of six weeks. But it was fun and I hope they have an awesome school year. I know they will, but you never know with kids! Well, I guess my twenty minutes are up. I'm now thinking about whether or not I did this assignment right? But I enjoyed this experience. It's good to clear your mind sometimes. I'm also relieved that I finished my first assignment. On to the second assignment!

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20

Wow, here is Friday night and I'm doing my psychology assignment that was supposed to be due yesterday. I remember setting all of these personal goals for my four glorious years at college, and here I am in week three coming to the not so surprising realization that these goals were totally unrealistic to begin with. Why do people even set goals? Goals lead to expectations, expectations lead to disappointments. Guatama, one of my personal inspirations founded the great religion of Buddhism. He came up with the not so clever theory that those who desire nothing are never disappointed with life. I think most of us had that one figured out in Kindergarten or perhaps I was just exceptionally bright. As humans we set goals because we find ourselves having nothing to do, and because we fail to accept the fact that we have absolutely no control over our future, which makes man totally uncomfortable. Our technological advancements were not necessarily for the good of humanity but instead to compensate for our innate fear of nature. It's ironic because most Americans have adopted the religion of Christianity, and according to Christianity God created earth and all of its creatures, yet we put absolutely no faith in nature and certainly not in mankind. We're supposed to believe in that which we can not see and yet we can't even trust what it is we do see. Man is full of hypocrisy in every aspect of life. Some are better than others but in the end we're all hippocrites. More specifically, Christians in general are very interesting group to observe. Every Sunday people enter a building to worhip and praise God. They may sit in a pew for an hour but does this hour really change anyone's life? Most people struggle simply to stay awake, to walk away getting something out of the sermon is just too much to ask. Sadly enough most people think that because their religion is the "chosen" one that this hour makes them better than those who choose to sit at home and watch Meet the Press. As much fun as this tangent I've been getting on really has been my twenty minutes are more than up. So we'll just continue this . what is this they say. next session.

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31

Oh no! I wasn't ready! Oh well! This seems weird to me to write what I think. I think very random things. I really like school here but miss my family. My roommate is going out tonight and she looks cute. It is some kind of formal for a frat. I don't like the frats here. The boys make me feel uncomfortable. A lot of guys do that though. They don't seem to notice me in any way. It is kind of weird. All this time I thought it would be better once I got to college and the guys would notice me, but nothing has really changed. They all still see me as a cute friend girl. But I am beginning to accept and like that. I am beginning to kind of like being one of the guys ! Oh poot! I forgot to put an away message on my Instant Messenger. I hope no one IMs me. Maybe I should do that. It will only take a sec. Okay! Done! It feels like time is passing so slowly as I type. Maybe it is because I want this to be over with. I feel like I type a lot slower than I thought. At least I use all my fingers and not just my pointers. I feel sorry for the people that do that. If I were to keep thinking in this way, will whoever reads this think I am a huge loser? Am I a loser anyway for doing this assignment almost 2 weeks before it is due? Wait, I think it is two weeks and one day away from being due. Or 2 weeks and 2 days! I think. Maybe I don't even know the due date and am just getting ahead. I think that is right. I just scratched the scab on my arm and it hurt. I don't know how it got there. I feel like such a little kid! I fall all the time and have bruises all over my arms and legs and scabs on my elbows and knees. I am such a clutz! I need to adjust my screen because it is getting hard for me to see what I am writing. I hope I am not misspelling any words. I am not the best speller, and when I am typing it gets worse. I always spell because- BECASUE . It is terrible. I think people rely on computers too much to fix their mistakes for them. We now even can talk on the phone through the internet and stuff. That can help us fix relationship problems. My roommate is putting lotion on. She makes me laugh a lot! Actually it isn't hard to do. But the funniest person is my brother in law Jeremy. He is so hilarious. All he has to do is say one word and I will bust out laughing. I wish that I could be that funny. Laughing makes people feel good! My cousin used to say that it makes you live longer to laugh. I wonder if she is right. She laughs even more than me! My roommate just sneezed and I laughed because she did! See! I just had to go back and fix because, because I spelled it wrong! Anyway! Back to my cousin. She has become my best friend. (or at least one of them) I miss her a lot. Arlington and Austin are far from each other and since she is only 16 it is hard for her to be allowed to come down here without her parents throwing a fit. They probably are worried about me. I sent them an email today because my aunt is a teacher at Mansfield's SUmmit, and she used to teach at Grapevine High School, and I met a guy that had her as a teacher. He goes to South West Texas. That is only 30 minutes away! I am developing feelings for him. I went out with 11 boys on Friday, and I was the only girl. Ryan, the boy, was there too, and we hung out a lot of the time. He is really a great guy. I want to get to know him better. I saw him last night at our friend's house that introduced us, and he barely talked to me. I tryed to talk to him, and he was, I think, trying to talk to me, but this girl named Cassidy kept interfering. She goes to OSU and came down for the weekend to see all her best friends . Whatever. She kept keeping him from talking to me. He told me to follow him around at one part. He made me laugh a lot. I really like it when guys make me laugh. Another thing is that he makes me feel comfortable around him, like I have known him for a long time. That is another thing I look for in guys. Being comfortable and laughing is a good combination of things to be. It makes me happy. My roommate is talking to her sister right now, and it makes me miss my sisters. They are both older than me and I miss them. I actually hung out with them all day today, so I don't know why I miss them. I love them a whole lot. It is amazing how when we grow up, we all become closer even though we are 3 and 6 years apart. I guess growing up makes everything between my family better! Blake Felix is not cute and Sarah is crushing on him and she made fun of me. Jake Anderton is such a liar and a big jerk. I don't know what made me think I would have fun with him. HELLO!! Differing personalities TOTALLY!! I like musicals, for instance, and he doesn't know a thing about them. I want to be an actress one day, speaking of musicals, and I would love to do a show on Broadway! I want to go to LA, though, first. That would be awesome to make a movie. Courtney and her sister are even getting closer like my sisters are. WOAH! That was totally off subject. I think it is because I am now writing this and listening to Courtney talk. That is hard to do. Kind of like listening to music and studying. It is hard. TIME UP!

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It said tall macintosh so I wasn't sure what that meant. Anyways, right now I am kind of upset because my roomates are messy and keep on leaving the lights on when they are not occupying the room. I hope our electric bill isn't very high. Man, I have so much reading to do it is not even funny. I miss my boyfriend and family a lot and want to go home. Sometimes I wish I could just go to college at home. I can't go there cause I have a scholarship to attend this school. I have been very bored lately. Wow, I am so suprised that there wasn't a humungous waiting list to use these computers. I sure hope this computer isn't for a handicap person cause it is higher than all the others. Oh, well if a handicap person comes I'll just move. The guy across from me looks funny because he is looking at his computer with astonishment and his mouth is wide open. I'm trying to think of things to write but it is kind of boring in here so my thoughts are not flooding out like they usually do. I tried to do the pre-testing but it wouldn't let me in because it said other people were already using it. That sucks!!!!! Man, after this I think I am going to move to another regular computer because I am starting to feel really guilty. There are a lot of empty computers right now. Cool there is a huge M hanging above my computer and my name starts with M. After this I will probably search the web for volunteer agencies that I can volunteer for for my social work class. I have about 8 more minutes to write. Man, something got on my beautiful, cute kitty folder and made some of the paint come off. I wonder what it was. These computers are cool because you can bring cd's and listen to them. Is that a girl or a boy? First I thought it was a boy but he/she had a very colorful girlish looking purse. I think it is a boy. My hands are starting to kind of hurt from typing. I probably sound like a baby. Oh man, a guy just sat at the computer that I was planning to use next. I guess I'll just sit on the next role. 5 more minutes. I hope it is not dark when I go home cause I have to walk. I'm bored!!!!!!!I can't wait to go home and eat. What shall I eat??? I certainly don't feel like eating hamburger helper leftovers again. Maybe I'll order something from Plucker's or walk over there. 3 more minutes. They should have music in here. Nah, that's not a good idea cause not everybody likes the same kind of music or can concentrate with it on. I can. I think I've seen that guy before somewhere. Well, time is about up, finally :)

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23

So I am sitting here wondering why I am doing this assignment at this particular moment in time. I have lots of other assignments that I could be working on. I have Music Theory homework I need to do and Music History I need to study for. There seems to be so much that I have going on in my life. I am going to Palo Alto, California for the football game on Saturday. Fortunately I have packed and don't have to worry about that. Renee Zellwegger is on Jay Leno right now. I think she is going out with Jim Carrey. I bet it would be awesome to be a movie star or a comedian. All you have to do is make people laugh and do sitcoms every now and then. I wish I had done some sort of acting to try and learn how to do that. I bet I could have made some money doing that. It doesn't even seem THAT hard. One of my good friends dad just passed away. I always fear about that happening to my parents even more that I fear it happening to myself. Maybe it is the whole thing with my fear of being alone. I live at home and if my parents and sisters were not around, I would not like that. Plus, I just can't comprehend losing my parents. I really hate talking about that. And I don't like typing. I keep having to backspace every so often. I haven't counted, but I think I have done it about 25, 26 times. I don't know. It's like, I love to talk to people and stuff, but if I am carrying a conversation over the computer or typing a letter or whatever it really frustrates me. What time is it? I still have ten minutes. Geez, I didn't think I could write this much in just ten minutes. I'm not that entertaining. I met these two girls in class the other day. I think their names were Brandy and Stephanie? I don't know. But the one sitting next to me was VERY attractive. I wanted to ask her for her number. But I barely got her name. Maybe I can do that on Monday. She seemed pretty impressed that I was the Longhorn Band President though. That seems really odd to me. Band people are normally thought to be nerdy that is a typically stereotype, although I know some people that DO give some of us a bad wrap. That was two minute for that paragraph. I don't think I will ever make it to the end of this paper. At least I am having a little more fun actually, I take that back, I am actually HAVING fun writing this paper. Kind of strange how stuff like that happens. I wonder how much the Longhorns will win by this week. I hope a lot. I want to be in Miami for the Orange Bowl this year. That would be excellent. Ok, I have a minute or so left. I took me a while to come up with all that stuff. And I am WAY tired right now also. I don't think I will do that homework right now. Too tired. Just so you know I really want an A in this class it has been a while since I have gotten an A in anything other than band. That was actually a real thought not a request. *smile*. Ok that is it.

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4

For some reason, I have been feeling really tired lately. I have been getting plenty of sleep, but it's been hard falling asleep. It feels like there have been a million random thoughts running through my head recently. I haven't been able to understand many of them, or why I think them in the first place. Sometimes, I feel like I have ADD. Ever since I stopped smoking marijuana, my grades haven't been what I expect of myself and my motivation just has not been there for anything. My mom persistently assures me that I don't have it, but I just want to get tested so I know. Before I moved off to college, I couldn't stand being at my house for more than an hour at a time. But now, I want to be there all the time, even though I can't. I know that many kids feel depressed right after they move off to college, but I don't feel like anyone is going through what I am. I never understand myself. One minute I miss my ex-girlfriend. I was the one that broke up with her, but why do I miss her so much? I went home last weekend, an I ran into her. Right after I left, I understood why I broke up with her, but I am already back to thinking why I broke up with her. I don't always understand her either. Sometimes I feel that it's her clinical depression that makes her that way, but other times I feel like it was always me. I remember hearing the phrase, there's someone for everyone. Well if that's true, who's my someone? I hate waiting around and I just want someone that I can count on being there. I guess that's why I decided to break up with her in the first place. I never felt that I could count on her always being there for me. My dad told me that my grandfather was an alcoholic, so does that mean that there is a good chance that I will be one too? I wish things were the way they were before last summer, when I had a girlfriend and had my friends that were there for me. I understand that college is all about experiencing new things and meeting new people, but I really haven't had the urge to do either of the two. Maybe this is just a phase that everyone goes through. I hope so. I have had no will to meet any new girls, which I expected the complete opposite before leaving. If I miss my home and my parents so much, then why do I never have the will to call them and just talk? Why can I not just gain a little weight? No matter how much I eat, I can't gain a pound. I know these are supposed to be the best 4 years of my life, so when do I start counting? I love math and everything, but it just seems like there is something out there that I would rather be doing instead of Mechanical Engineering.

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4

college isn't as easy or as bad ass as I was expecting, with katie back home I can't stand not being ablble be with her or mess around, I know I'll prob end up[ screwing it up, I know I kindof want to date other people but I can't stand the thought of her being with another guy, I really do care about her but I know in the long run we aren't going to end up together but it is still hard to end it or change things plus the way we alwys fight it sux. I keep getting behind in my work and I don't have enough motivation to do thingds I know I shoiuld be doing. I'm wooried avboutr this life gaurd training test I'm so out of shape, what if I don't make it . I also don't know if I should have quit soccer. it was fun and I liked to play but I really wanted more free time, but to do what watch more tv and drink more, I need to meet more people so I'm not always relying on doing things with my hs buds, shit I need a car I'm tired of this shit being dragged out, I have to many thingsi need transportation for, I miss katie. I'm fucking bored and need to take a nap or something it sux ricky williams got hurt I want him to tear up the nfl. I wish I could have watched the game last nite I neede to get a paper so I can check the stats, man this 3 hrs of life gaurding training is going to suck. it's pretty exscessive to have 2 a month. I wonder where evrybody is, what the hell am io going to do for dinner tonite since jester doesn't have food sun nite, the stupid thing is last sun we went to the union and all but one place was closed on a day they know the cafeteria is closed how retarded, dam the redskins are beating the shit out of the cowboys, I hate the cowboys, but then again what nfl team do I really like, any way ah shit my leg is falling asleep, I wonder how jamie is or if he washed his sheets, what did he do last nite, I wonder if I'm going to get called fo an interview, who pllays on the tv tonite . I don't know why I burn so many cd's I never listen to any of them. I wonder if grant is upset with me for some obscurwe reason, I wouldn't have minded seeing robyns body this weekend god she has got a great ass I'll never forget seeing all those girls at midnite madness, damn I'm deprived. I got scrswed this weekend on the money shit I spent like 75 bucks and everyone benififtes , I nedd to deposit my check. I don't evben know if I have any slips. I wonder how bad ricky is hurt. did my sister go to church today. my neck hurts dam I don't feel like getting in that ice cold water and freezing my balls off, hopefully its not as cold as the other pool, man none of the lifegaurds are cool. I wonder what ashley is up to or if she is still sick, man lauren should defineatly stayhere well now I'm thinking about is finishing up this 20 min so my mind is kindof astray. I can only think of filling the paper of words these words which I''m writing. I wany to see thos plat nice hight step, dam 35-14 well times about up I wonder if they have any way of checking how much time u really spent because I've only gone 4 19 min oh ther's 20

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17

A fire alarm sounded right before I was going to start this assignment. I had to walk down thirteen flights of stairs. When I got outside we had to walk across the street and stand there waiting for the magical voice to tell us that we can come back inside. Naturally, I had to walk up up up up thirteen flights of stairs. At least I know how to exit if there is a real fire. It also has given me something to write about. I bet that there going to do this crap a couple times each semester. Safety is a good thing. Terrible disasters that can be eliminated with a little planning kill a lot of people. I read that somebody said " a person that will trade freedom for security deserves neither. " I think that it was Benjamin Franklin who said that. I don't liberals because they are not in the business of creating a more free society. They just want to create more of a bureaucracy to ensure more safety. Gun laws are a good example. They think that if guns are illegal, that crime will go down. It sounds like a good idea to a lot of politically correct or pussified people. The real effect from that terrible idea would be less good people with guns and the same number of bad people with guns. The good people can't protect themselves in their own homes from the bad people that can easily get guns. Duhhh, the constitution guarantees us our right to have guns, probably the only reason why we are still aloud to have them. England just passed laws that have allowed the government to confiscate all of its citizens' guns. That would be a nightmare that would not stand for. Sometimes I think stuff this will happen. Other freedoms that people had a hundred years ago, are gone today. My grandchildren and other ancestors might not even live by the same constitution that we live by today in this country. I really want to graduate school so that I can afford to have a lot of kids and still be able to put them through college. I'm the last Erwin in my family so I hope my sperm will create a couple of boys with my wife. I wish that sex were not such a strong desire. It kind of gets in the way of being productive. The TVs and ads and the radio just pour on the sex appeal tactic because they know it's such a strong desire and emotion. I saw a cute girl when we had that fire drill. I think she was looking at me too. I should have said something to her. I wish I had more confidence to talk to girls. I wish I could stay drunk or high without the setbacks of puking and slurring words and possibly smelling funny. It's so easy to talk to girls when I'm inebriated.

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30

Tired, stressed, already sick of school and it has only been the first week. What can I say other than I have to do great this semester. I never knew that school would be this stressful. There are so many things going on in my life right now that I really do not have time for. I feel like my brain is on overload and don't know when I am going to get all of this stuff done. Hungry, what can I say, I am always craving something. I am sitting in my dorm room all alone because my friends have all gone out to this Sig Ep party and I opted to stay home and catch up on things that I need to get done. I hate typing too. Although typing is a lot easier to do because it is a lot faster. I just hate it when I mess up and hit the wrong key. It really irritates me when my phone rings late at night and it is one of my friends from home and you can't understand a word they are saying because they have been out partying all night long. Have you ever noticed that when people have had a little too much to drink that they get real emotional? When I returned home last night from being out, one of my friends from home was hysterically crying over something a guy said to her at a party. He commented on what she was wearing and obviously she took it the wrong way and got mad. Of course I knew it was no big deal, but she really thought it was. This morning, of course, she ran into my room wondering what had happened last night and why she got upset. It was such a big deal last night, but this morning she was so embarrassed. I have done the same thing that she did. Gosh, I miss my parents and I never really thought that I would. My senior year I was so tired of the high school scene. I think I was the only one of my friends that hated my senior year. Well, I can't say that I absolutely hated it, but I was ready to go on to bigger and better things. My boyfriend lived here, so maybe that's why I wanted to leave home so badly. My phone bill is going to be so high this semester. I talk to all of my friends so much on the phone. I also talk to my parents a lot too. I especially talk to my mom. I was always so close to my mom and it is hard to be away from her. I could always drive home one weekend. It is not very far away. I just found out today that we are going to have to go to ten hours of study hall every week. It sounds bad, but I really think this is good for me especially coming into my freshman year and trying to get adjusted to this new life that I am leading now. I was always independent, but now I feel that I am on my own for good. I really like only depending on myself for things.

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9

Well, I'm not really sure what types of things I'm supposed to be saying. I miss my boyfriend so much. I hope he has a safe trip home. I hope he doesn't fall asleep. I feel really sleepy myself. I hope I can stay awake for this twenty minutes. Time seems to go by so slowly when you're sleepy. Especially when school work is involved. I wish I was a better typer. It is so hard to just think normally when you're typing on a computer. People probably think I'm not a very interesting person. I try to be, but I think I was born to be boring. Be boring and study my life away. I really don't mean to be so studious. I mean I want to do well in school, but I think I'm too caught up in it. Everything makes me nervous. It is so strange because even though I know this isn't going to be "graded", I feel nervous about doing it wrong or not doing a good job. I miss my family and my friends. I don't think I appreciated them enough when I was home. It is so hard to build a friendship up from scratch. It took years to be so close to them, and now I have to start all over. I'm truly lucky to have people that share all of my memories and understand all of my feelings. I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them. I'm so paranoid. I'm always concerned that people are deceiving me in relationships. What if they don't mean "love" in the same way that I do? I hate being hurt. I like to be in control and be omniscient. I like to have the upper hand with people. Unfortunately, I think most of the time I'm the vulnerable one. Is that normal? Probably. If I tell myself that enough I might believe it. Could someone really love someone enough that they would die for them if they had to. So many songs make that claim. It must be a truly amazing love. I am still in awe when I think about what Jesus did for me and everyone else. He died a most humiliating and painful death so we wouldn't have to. What love! How sad though to think that not everyone accepts it! I feel so guilty when talking to someone that doesn't accept it. I feel like there is something I could say to solve it, but I just don't know what. I know I'm not doing everything I could for Christ, and therefore not being quite good enough. I know I can't be perfect, but I try so hard to be. It feels that I come up short a lot in my life. It is so stressful. I'm probably going to die at an early age because of it. I can't stop though. Kale is so wonderful. He would do anything for me. I can't imagine anyone loving me that much unless they have to. My parents have to, but he doesn't. It is amazing.

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Well, I'm thinking that 20 minutes seem like an eternity when you don't have a topic to write about. I'm thinking about how awkward it is to be in the computer lab writing about absolutely nothing. Now, I'm thinking about what would the reader" thing about my grammar. In my defense I'm not a native English speaker. Now I'm focusing on the girl right next to me. She lives in my dorm, and I'll probably never speak to her or get to now her because she is quiet and not my taste physically. I feel bored already and it's only been 4 minutes. I'm thinking what on earth will I write about for the next 15 minutes and a half now. Man, I'm a slow typist. It took me like 30 seconds to finish the last two sentences. Now I'm thinking about what will I do tonight. I wonder If I should go watch "Once Upon a Time in Mexico". I really want to see it tonight, but the people that I'm going with are not nice people in my opinion. They'll probably be loud and make STUPID comments as the movie is playing. God, I find people like that annoying, but I don't have a car and I really want to see that movie. What the heck I'll do it! God, 12 more minutes! Pass is passing so slowly! I feel bored, and I'm wondering about the purpose of this writing assignment. Is someone really going to go through this boring stuff. I'm thinking I should spice it up, make it worth the torture the poor TA is going to go thru reading through all the writings. I feel I'm not creative enough to come up with some weird thought that is interesting, yet not crazy enough I'll be summoned by Pennebaker for some counseling. I feel extremely bored now. It sees like nothing is going on in my head. I feel nothing, besides bored, and great expectation for this to end. Now I feel aroused, a hot girl just entered the room. I'm thinking she must be one of those weird girls cause she is dressed in short-short pants and is wearing catholic school girl socks and shoes. I'm thinking I don't care if she is crazy no more. she is hot. Now I'm wondering if the reader is going to be some girl. She is going to think I'm a pig hahahah. The girl is gone. I'm noticing how everyone that was pretending not notice her started acting differently and more relaxed as soon as she left. I feel better now, cause I've only got 1 and half minutes to go. I'm feeling nothing, thinking nothing. I'm just focusing on the clock. I think this has been officially the longest minute ever. I'm do

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25

Okay, I think this is going to be hard for me to do because honestly I'm not sure if someone will be reading this and if they will think that what I say is stupid or I am doing it wrong but perhaps that is a stupid thing to say also since I just clearly read that there is no right or wrong thing to say. so basically I have just entered this new sort of world. I am now what I would call a real person. that is, I am no longer totally dependent on a parental figure or figures as it were. this is like a whole new life for me. right now I suppose I am lonely, living by myself and so from this statement stems the thought that has haunted me for days: should I be living in a dorm instead of my own apartment and I could go on and on thinking this but I will always come to the same conclusion. And that is that either way there are advantages and disadvantages, and besides that there is no reason to play the what if game because I already live in an apartment and there is no way that I could even get into a dorm at this point. But I know that that is my nature. That is, to think about things that I can't change. I always wonder well, if I had done it that way then this would have happened or wouldnt have happened. I hate that I do that. there really is no point. I can't change the past so I don't really understand why I waste the present regretting past decisions or thinking about what could have been if only. of course, I have tons of regrets in my life. maybe I just I don't know. I honestly don't know why I can't just be happy with the decisions I make for myself. it all goes back to my stupid nature of always envying other people. I tend to look at what they have and think that I could be like that if only I. it could be any thing. I just hate always being envious of others and thinking that they are better than me because. the list could go on and on. Really I don't know why I am not satisfied with the way I am. I mean I know that I don't have self esteem problems but still I am always thinking that I need some sort of improvement. I really should be happy with myself. I have done a lot of good things for myself and I have a lot going for me unlike others for example tracy walker. but still I can take a person like that and still find things in her that I envy. I must say that is pretty pathetic of me. w wish I knw why I even cared about tracy or the whole lake dallas crew. I mean, I spent my whole life with these people playing the little game that everyone played the lake dallas way all up until my last year when I realized how unbelievably stupid it all was. its weird how my junior and senior year my outlook on life totally changed from the way that I saw things my freshman and sophomore year. now there is a time that I wish I could go back to. I hadnt made any stupid mistakes yet. I didnt have any enemies I had tons of friends I was secure with myself and for christ sake I wore a freaking size 6. lord, life was good back then and I really just wish that I could go back to it sometimes. I am beginning to wonder if life will ever be as great as it was then. I know that sounds pathetic but I still have to wonder. everyone days college is so great but I just hope that the social aspect will pick up soon. I feel as if I am behind or maybe I just don't know how to have fun like I used to. I think that I just need to find friends that I am truly comfortable with and a boyfriend wouldnt be bad either.

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13

My mind is fried from the test that I just took. Did I do well? Did I screw up?. Did I get tickets to the football game. Jeff was supposed to have a friend draw. I hope our seats are good, because today has been a rough day. I hope Jeff likes me. This writing assignment makes me feel really funny because of all my sporadic thoughts. I wonder if this is one of the papers you decide to read, or if it is just going to end up in some data bank somewhere. I hope psychology is going to be a semi easy course because college at this point is a little overwhelming. My roommate just walked in, so I guess I should mention her. Allison or Ally, whatever I feel like calling her at the time. She fun, makes me laugh, I could use that right now. The test was easy but what if I just screwed up on it because it was my first test. I guess I will know by today what the event will be. The pressure to make good grades is getting to me. I want to have fun and do a little bit of everything, but I don't know how to fit it all in. I want to party with my friends, but I also want to do well. How far will that get me in life. What if I bust my butt and nothing happens. I'm beginning to notice a pattern in my thoughts; they are all questions. Does that mean I'm missing the answers, or does that mean I worry too much. Here I go with the questioning again. I'm trying not to be clichéd and do the average, I wonder if so and so likes me, but it is ending up like that. All of my life is in a state of not knowing. For everything that I have learned, it seems like there is much more because everything that I know doesn't answer all of my questions. That's where I get my nosiness, I guess. I classify myself as an ambulance chaser. The time is flying a lot faster than I thought. Scooby Doo is on tv, that is Kaitlyn's favorite show. She's at home in Dallas. I miss her so much and that reminds me that Zach's surgery is going to be tomorrow. He's so little, will he be ok. More questions. They are driving me nuts (feel sorry for the reader). Here's the issue of time again. I'm running out of it, literally and figuratively. I guess its nap time, I don't even know if I want to do that for sure.

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16

I wonder what this stuff is suposed to mean. What can i possibly learn about my self by writing incohearant thoughts for twenty minutes. I'm not a very good typist for one. None too good at spelling either. I hope who ever or what ever machine looks at this can read past any spelling and punctuation mistakes. This computer screne is far too birght. i wish i had thought to fix that before i started this. I wish i could read some other students writtings. Maybe i'd find some insight to how i'm doing in this rat race. Maybe i'd figure out what the girls around here are looking for. how vacant can my mind be? how many mental diseased is this going to uncover in me? i hope there are drugs to fix it. I wish i were at the lake right now. no books, no tv, no phone, just a hamock and a cold drink. Maybe a seadoo. A little bit of water sports never hurt anyone. Accept the ones that crash. God i hope never see anything like that again. Why did that have to happen, all those kids had to do was go a little bit slower. All they had to do was look around for boats. They could have avoided it and now they are dead just beacause they couldn't understand that a jet ski isn't a toy. A goddamn toy! how could anyone play with their life like that. I hope i go in my sleep. i can feel the propeller slicing through my leg right now. those poor bastards. i guess id rather be one of those kids than the poor bastard that hit them though. i could never live with that kind of baggage. they didn't even know where their parents were. for the love of God, what could they possibly have thought when they got that phone call. MRs smith, your daughters are dead. There was nothing we could do, i guess these things just happen. and how could the parents not blame the draver of that boat?? how coul anyone ever admit that their childs death was their childs own fault? that all seem a bit bleek. Maybe i am ill. maybe i should get a bike. I could get around alot faster. Maybe i should just leave early, then maybe i could loose some weight. mayeb i've got it all wrong though. maybe they don't even care about that. I should loose some weight anyway. its unhealthy. Who ever reads this thinks i'm a nutcase. Hello out there. welcome to the inner sanctom of my mind. its cold in here, but you'll get used to it. watch your step, there are some loose screws here and there. don't poke at that, i'm affraid it might fall apart. don't trip on that, its allready fallen apart. i know its messy in here but i'll get it all organized sooner or later. i need to hire an inner sanctum of the mind cleaning lady. I hear they are very affordable. I guess cheap labor is just a byproduct of his whole immigration mess. maybe that mess has to do with our economic mess, or our terrorism mess. or our youth mess. or our drug mess. who in hell is going to clean up any of these messes? can you do one at a time? or are they all linked together? certainly some are. i'll just let trusty george W. handle it. err, imean cheany

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30

Well, here I am; doing a paper that was assigned weeks ago hours before it is due. I do not know what it is that causes me to procrastinate as much as I do. Lack of sleep, maybe. Laziness, probably. I consider myself a good student, but when it comes to doing papers or projects I always put it off until the last minute. I just got home tonight, its past midnight, and I am tired. I really want to go to sleep so I am not dead during classes tomorrow. I am worried about how things are going to work out grade-wise. This is my first experience with a grading system such as college, with so much emphasis placed on tests and very few other grades. Pretty much all my classes are going well, but I am not sure how I am going to study for exams. However, I think that if I keep up my study habits that got me here, I will do just fine. I am really hungry right now because lunch was my last meal and I do not want to eat now because apparently it is bad for you to eat before you sleep. My eating habits worry me too now. Three solid meals a day used to do it for me, but now breakfast is gone and one large meal a day is usually all I go for. My head itches a lot now that my hair has grown out. I really love music. No matter how my day is going, there is always a song out there that can raise my spirits. I enjoy all different kinds, and I have listen to a variety since I have started writing. It is quite weird now that I think about it, but music is one of the only things that can truly mellow me out. I have always been a calm, collected person but there is just something about it that I truly love. The whole college experience has been great so far. I love the campus, the professors, and the people. Most of my professors give great lectures, and class is actually enjoyable now. I almost look forward to each new school day now that I'm at the University. Being on my own and experiencing what life has out there is so awesome, but there are times that I wish I was still back home in high school, not worrying about anything.

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14

As I sit here at my computer, I can't help but think about everything going on in my life right now. This year has been an incredible time in my life. My senior year in highschool, I was involved in many extracurricular activities. I was one of the head dance team captains, I was the Student Counsil spirit committee chairperson, and I was involved in Key club. I felt I had everything going for me. I had gotten into UT with my best friend. We couldn't believe both of us got in. I remember my best friend got in first and I didn't think I had gotten in. Every time I checked online it said I was still in review. A week later she calls me and says she has some good news. The first thing she said was,"so what color bed spread do you want to get. " I knew right away what she was saying. I was so excited. After that there was no more pressure as to if I had gotten in or not. The pressure now was the fact that in a few months I was going to have to live on my own. It was weird because it would never hit me that I was really going to be in college. Even a week before I was going to leave I still couldn't tell myself I was leaving. The day I got up here was really hot and tiring. Moving stuff up and down the elevators from the parking garage to the dorm, then from the dorm up to my room. The halls were very hot and crowded. We had to wait in a line to even get into the elevator. Once I got all my stuff into my room I now had to unpack it all and organize it all. I remember feeling so disorganized. When I feel disorganized I begin to get upset. Well my parents were being very helpful and understanding. There was a point when I just wanted to cry. After an hour or two my parents left and it was just me and my best friend in our room. I had to move stuff around almost 5 times before I was happy, but even then I did not feel satisfied. Atleast right now I think I can say I am happy about my room. That is after a few shopping trips. This morning was the big football game against Stanford. We had tickets to go but it was just too hot. All I have to do though is look out my window and I can see the whole stadium full of screaming fans. I do have to say I have a wonderful view. While sitting here in my room after a week or two of classes gone by, I feel I am more comfortable. I feel a sense of pride, a sense of independance, and all in all I am now very happy. I have met many intersting people, I love all my classes, and most of all I love UT. The funny thing is that it has finally hit me that I am now in college. Being the oldest in the family made it a little harder leaving, but all my life I have been the one to do everything first. My parents are very proud of me and I can say that I am very proud of myself.

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26

Wow. I reall don't like the color scheme of this page. It looks kind of gay. Oh well. hmmm, I better not diss the webpage, I might get a bad grade. I hope Mr. Pennebaker, doesnt read this one. hmmm. is that how you spell it? p-e-n-n-e-b-a-k-e-r. sounds right to me. I wonder what kind of name that is. i mean like where its from. im not very good with names. i only have 4 classes and i still don't know all of my professors names. i like the way my dorm room looks. i decorated it yesterday. someone told me its important to get to know each of my professors on a personal level. that sounds good because thats what i want to do anyway. i usually enjoy classes better when i have a personal relationship with the teacher or lecturer. psychology sounds cool too. pretty much what i envisioned it as. like the topics we cover and stuff. im excited. oh man, i got a lot of work to do today. i need to get done with my computer science assignment. whens it due? hmm, i think its next friday. but i want to get an early start so ill do that when im done with this. i hope rachel and i get back together. it ticks me off now that shes with that matt kid. hes such a dork too. oh well. its funny because i really am over her, its just sad because i know shes really the most perfect person for me I've ever found. its amazing how she admits that too, just isnt attracted to me in that way. oh well. i am over her, it just sucks sometimes because i get all ticked off when i think about the mistake she made. i hope tennis is on tv later, theres a rain delay right now. haha, blake almost beat hewitt. that was tight. too bad he didnt, i really wanted him to. man, only 6 minutes are up. yawn. hmm, i need to check out some more of the places to eat around here. I've been hangin out with a lot of upperclassmen, and they have several suggestions. i really liked the hot wings from pluckers. im going to try to find that place later and check it out. angel is a cool guy. i can't wait till tennis tonight with him and that other guy. i need to give nathan a call sometime too. that was fun playing volleyball at the jester party thing. about volleyball, hmmm. i need to talk to angel and finish getting our team together for the intramural stuff. i need to sign up for everything else too. hmm, should i talk to amanda or ericka about the mixed doubles tournament. maybe ill just find a new girl to play with, the tennis club starts up soon enough im sure there will be someone there. we'll see. im still tired. i got in pretty late last night and had to wake up pretty early to get some work done. hunter had the tv on early so i couldnt sleep anymore. grrrr. oh well, ill live. i guess i needed to get this stuff done. i hope my shoulder gets better soon. its been a long time since i hurt it. i need to play ping pong with barney later. . or maybe with cabo and whats his name. mark? yeah, i think its mark. haha, it was funny yesterday when hunter thought the sticker on my computer was a magnet. that would be stupid of me. especially as a CS major haha. i hope i get to use my alarm sometime. usually i just get woken up by other people walking around in the morning. gosh i wish nat would stop bothering me about everything. i can't be working with him anymore, im in college. . guess he just doesnt seem to understand that. hunter just put on the texas fight song or eyes of texas or whatever. reminds me of the game last night. man we schooled north texas bad! we had a pretty bad second half though. oh well. i hope i get to go to the A&M game. id like to go to the OU game but its in Dallas so id have to find a ride. that shouldnt be much trouble though. i guess the main hard part would be getting tickets. my feet are cold. man that was sad in the ESP seminar the other day. . i couldnt remember how to do half the calculus stuff i was so awesome at in high school. i mean, what happened? i was the star calculus student at the academy. . oh well, itll come back to me. i guess i should study some more later, just to refresh. i wrote it on my things to do list but im not positive ill make myself do it. man, im getting those sleepy eyes you get when you stare in front of a computer and type for a long time. great assignment mr pennebaker -_- just kidding. im still just so tired from last night. that movie was tight though. enemy at the gates. my dad would like that, ill email him later tell him about it. haha, someone was telling me. oh, austin, austin was telling me about this guy that gets a monitor tan lol. he just sits in front of the computer all day and night. austin says he glows. hahaha. he needs to get out more. oh man, austin is a really funny guy. mayo ice cream with french fry chunks. haha. angel food, itll send you to heaven lol haha. that was great. i need to IM him soon and talk to him. hes so funny. haha marsha is cool too. ill meet up with her later to play bball. ahhh, need to do laundry. completely forgot. i guess i could do that today or tomorrow. i need to think of something else to transition. i just say oh well all the time and im sure its revealing some deep psychological secret or something. oh well. AHH, again. stop it. ok, less than 3 minutes left. what else what else. hunter is on the phone, hes been on all morning. i had to call nat a couple times. i hope his site works out. novotrix will probably die off though. TAC will be ok though i think. as long as he gets the snakes in he keeps saying he will. hmm, hunter is talkin to some girl. i can hear him on the phone. probably his girlfriend or whoever that girl is on all the pictures on his board by his bed. coach moore was a good coach. wow that was random. i should go visit the ridge for regionals this year, but i probably won't be able to. at least ill be there for state since im already here. ahh, times runing out. im trying to type faster, why am i doing that. i should ask on the message bored. jeez. that really is wierd. time is running out and i feel nervous or something and really rushed. everytime the second digits change i feel something in my stomach.

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10

Well, I'm at UT now, and boy, is it a different life. Everything is different now; no more mom's home cooked meals and I have to do my laundry now. I'm going to go back every two weeks and take my laundry home. I will only need two weeks' worth of clothes and then I can take it all home and get them washed. One main thing I like about UT are women! Wow, there are some sexy women here. Then again, there are also the ugly girls. They will always be around, but at UT, the ratio of hot to ugly girls is much better than what I have seen before; at least that's what it seems like. I guess women are the motivation to stay here in school. I could never go to an allboys school. I would go crazy! There would be nothing to look forward to. Talking about women, I went back home last weekend and I met my very good friend, Stephanie. We have been friends for years, but only recently have we gotten really good friends. For example, she took me out for dinner and a movie before I had to leave for college, and she has been telling me how much she will miss me. I think ever since I broke up with my old girlfriend, Stephanie has gotten closer to me. I am definitely happy about it. She is the sweetest girl I know, and she looks great too. I've been emailing her quite often and I plan to visit her every time I go home. College relationships can be hard when the person you like lives far away. The main reason my relationship with my last girlfriend ended was because of college. She mainly did not want to go through a longdistance relationship, and I agree with her. However, I have known Stephanie for way too long, and there is no way that I can simply ignore her. Well, I'm not sure what to talk about now. I'm in my room and I really do not want to do this psychology assignment. My friend just called me and he asked me to play a computer game with him. I really want to play, but I still have to type what is on my mind. I am going to talk some more about Stephanie. I guess, she is the main thing that is on my mind. I cannot stop thinking about her. Her high school homecoming is coming up this October, and I think I will tell her that she can go with me if she has no one else in mind. After all, we went together last year. I am pretty sure that she knows that I have a crush on her. Especially since I gave her a kiss on the cheek two nights ago. I was surprised when she asked me to come over and watch a movie with her. She looked terrific that night; I'm pretty sure she wanted to look good for me. Either way, we had a good time and I made her laugh several times. I think it is really important to keep a girl happy in order to have a healthy relationship.

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24

I'm sitting here listening to a trance cd of jimmy van M who I recently saw at Hyperia in Houston, Texas. As best as I can express my sensations and reactions to this music something will always be left unsaid. The music is a magical, emotional journey that not many people understand. Those that do, however, are purveyors of another plain of consciousness that will forever stay with them. A grammatical explanation is hard to find when most people are entirely withheld from experiences that have the guaranteed potential to alter people's lives. I often think of Teddy Roosevelt's idea. "Far better it is to dare mighty things than to take rank with those poor timid spirits who know neither victory or defeat. " I for one am a great example of the power that is contained in some of the things I've experienced. I wish I could really delve into these things sometimes without hesitating with regards to the repercussions. But, then again, the leap of faith is something everyone must do on their own. Someone can only be shown the door. You must have the initiative within to step across it on your own. As much as I've seen and endured I sometimes wonder if I really have seen everything that is the best. Then I remember what I thought before my experiences and I know that there is still so much more out there for me to jump on. Avoiding selfdestruction is also a daunting task sometimes and an everpresent one. One I am no longer fearful of fulfilling. Life really is too short to worry a fraction as much as most people do. This is a cold, hard fact. I'll be damned if I'll be lying on my deathbed reminiscing about all the missed opportunities. I'll croak knowing that I choked everything out of life and then some, and then a little more.

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7

How am I going to do? Who am I? How do I compare to everyone else around me? So many questions yet no answers. I'm hopig to have fun and enjoy my experiences. Is my family thinking of me? I hope all is well with them. Expressing my feelings and thoughts on paper is hard to do. Am I doing this right? I don't no what I'm doing really. In school that is. Don't know if I'm able to be successful. Wait,m I know I can be successful. just have to dig down deep inside and find meyself. So lost without God and best freind. Dpn't know what the futre holds or what will happen. Kinda scared and hesitant. I want to love my job and my family. I want so many things for my life and I want to fullfill my goals. I want to be a rockstar. To see crowds of people go crazy at the sight of me. Who doesn't though? Maybe its just a dream. I feel destined to have a career in music. My only escape frpm life itself is music mostly guitar. I want to makee a differece in my society. To figure out where humans came from and to answers questions about life. But who doesn't want to do that? I want to stand out. I want to be a hero in my society and a mentor amongst my peers. I want poeple to remember me for the rest of time. For the good things that I've done. For differences that I've made in peoples lives. I want to lead my friends to Christ and show them how wonderfull it is to be a christian. my life is wonderful and I sometimes take for granted all that I have. Sometimes I realize much I regret some of the things I have done. Time can change me, but I can't change time. Well, I think its been 20 mins. Later. i'm out

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3

Today has been one of the longest days of my life. I have had only one class today so I am constantly looking for some way to spend my time. It seems that everyone I know here on campus is in class or at work, therefore I am left alone with nothing to do. When I sit there with nothing to do I become very homesick. If it were not for my Friday classes I would be long gone. It excites me however, that tomorrow I get to go home. I can't wait to be in my own house without a roommate or doors slamming through the night. One thing that I can't wait to see is my cousins. They are adorable. The oldest, Sydney, is like the sister I never had despite the fact that she is only nine years old. I enjoy being around her and it makes me proud when she comes to me to ask personal questions. I have three other cousins too. Leizl, who is five, is so cute and has such a wild imagination. It excites me to watch her imagination at work. She is one of the very few children left in this world that can entertain herself for hours with a paper towel roll. Next is Will, the little man. He is only two and is constantly making me laugh. He is in love with Blues Clues and Power Puff girls. He knows every word to the songs and has his own little dance for each of them too. The youngest, and I have to say my favorite, is little Miss Annie Makenna. She turned one on August 30. The reason that I think I like her the most or think about her the most is the fact that we almost lost her. She was born with the strep virus in her lungs and spent the first month of her life in the ICU on a lung machine. She is now a healthy little girl. She is now walking but it seems so weird to see her walk because she is only the size of a 6 month old. She is so tiny. I can't wait to see them. They are the world to me and I love them and miss them everyday. Just as I do my parents and my brother. That is on thing that gets me down about college. I don't like being away from my family. I love them dearly. They mean everything to me. Writing this paper has depressed me but I know that tomorrow I will get to see them all and spend the entire weekend with them. Yeah! My brother is cool. I am one of the very few girls in this world that got blessed with an awesome older brother. He is three years older than me and he has always been there for me, much like my two loving parents. I thank God everyday for the family that he has given me and the support he has surrounded me with.

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30

I'm sorry, but I just don't where people get the sensation to steel something and have no doubts or submission about it. Where does that come from? What, is it inherited, or something? Do people just walk around, asking themselves what they can do to make someone feel like hell? I just don't understand how people acquire such moral standings? I can't wait until it's my birthday. I can finally watch Titanic in the privacy of my own home. over and over again. Leo. over and over again. three and one-half hours of pure Leo. Ahhhh, pure heaven. I wonder how people like him handle their lives. I mean, I don't know what I would do with all the fame and fortune; everyone admiring and watching me. My life would change so much; I'm not sure if I would like it very much. I hate the media. They make so much out of the stupidest things. Why would anyone live on making up cruel and misleading stories up for money? It just boggles my mind. It's just like those people who the government pays bookooes of money to count how many "Smiths" there are in the world. O. K. So, maybe not that specific job, but something just as if not more silly. Seriously, though, the media stalks you and just waits for you to stumble so they can take that one incident and twist it all around, and spit it out at people to get their ratings lifted, or their sales up. And, people (the audiences) actually feed on this. Hell, even I do sometimes. All those sleazy magazines that say stuff like "see the first pictures of the boy who was born with 20 arms and 5 eyes. " Crazy stuff like that. It's ridiculous. But, I must admit it is pretty humorous at times. I know when I'm in the grocery line, I browse over the titles just to get a laugh. I can't believe it's already 4:30. Where did the day go? Why is it that, when you get older, the time goes faster. It's not like it's necessarily the fact that you're doing more than when you were younger, so the "time flies when you're having fun" does not necessarily pertain. Well, I guess it could. I don't know. All I know is that even when I'm not doing much, the days go by faster. That kind of scares me in a way. I have so much I want to do with my life, and what if one day I wake up and realize I haven't done a thing. I mean, what if I went to the doctor today, and they told me I only had 3 weeks to live? Then, what would I do. I wouldn't have the time or energy to do everything that I've always dreamed of. I wouldn't meet the man I am destined to meet and fall madly in love with. Three weeks isn't even enough to get to know someone really well. That's awful when people find out something like that. I couldn't even imagine what my reaction would be. I still remember when my uncle supposedly only had 3 months to live, and he lived 2 years before he died. But, can you imagine how painful and nerve racking that would be, not knowing if you were going to wake up the next morning? I remember the last time he went to the doctor's. He sat in his office, waiting for the results to tell him approximately how much longer he had. First of all, how can any one approximate someone's life? But, he sat there and listened while the doctor told him he might live another 6 months to a year. He just shook his head, and said "no. That's not going to happen. " He said his good-byes to all the staff at the hospital, went home, fell asleep, and never woke up again.

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14

What is Ale doing right now? She looks pretty funny ironing on a table. Wow! I have a lot of homework and I don't even get some of it. I need to get a tutor for like every subject. It's Monday, shit! I still need 4 more days till the weekend. I wonder if Rodrigo is going to call me for the weekend. I hope this weekend is way better than last weekend. Eww! It smells like burnt clothes hahaha. I don't want to go to class right now. I still need to wash my clothes. Where am I going to get change? I don't want to walk anywhere. I need to call my mom for some more money. Oh! my dad too. Oh God I just signed up for a Friday night experiment! I hope it doesn't interfere with my Friday night. Oh wow! I got fat over a couple of months. That's it I'm on a diet. Damn, it's only been Five minutes. Hmmmmm, can I even put foul language on this assignment? Will he even read this. God! I hate eminem reminds me of the ugly winters in Laredo. I don't miss Laredo. Whoa! Ale looks like a maid ironing! hahaha. Why hasn't Rodrigo called me? I wonder if he still loves me. Should he trust me and I trust him? God, 7 minutes barely. I wonder if he is going to check for spelling or punctuation. Ummm. I'm pretty hungry, but I'm on a diet. Where is Anne? She is never here. I need to go exercise after I go to class and after I wash my clothes. I smell starch. I need some water. I think I'm getting dehydrated. I need to buy that necklace that I liked in BeBe. It'll look great with my new outfit. I need to get a guy. I'm tired of being a tag a long. I want a nice latin guy with money. I have to admit that does attract me. In fact, it'll attract any girl. Oooh I like this song, is there any more room for me, in those jeans"! Ale thinks I'm bad, but I'm not I just like to express myself. I like myself, I would date me. Why doesn't anyone want me or Ale? I guess, we are not girlfriend material. How can you get to be "girlfriend material". Okay. I am spilling too much information for my professor. Will he think I'm weird! I am weird sometimes. My book just fell! My phone is ringing and I can't pick it up. Awww. The newspaper just fell. Ale is making a mess and she can't iron for shit. I should stop saying bad words. It doesn't look nice on a lady like me. Ale's making me hot with the iron. I wonder if she will iron my clothes. Oh Wow! I have about a min. actually. Wow! this song is so ghetto, but I can feel my head bouncing.

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1

Okay I was asked to write about the way that I'm thinking this is an pretty easy assignment, but then comes what am I suppose to write about and is it really that easy to put thoughts to paper. I know one thing is I sure do really want to go back to houston where life was much easier and fun. Here people are to damn concieted and full of them selves, theis mainly means the females, maybe its cause I'm hispanic or something. Either way I never had diffulty meeting girls. Well its probably cause I miss my gurl my lil china back in h-town. Hmmmmmmmmmmm what else mann I'm bored and tired and I wonder why my led hurts. Its been doing that all week. I'm not as athletic as I use to be that makes me sound like an old person. But foreal though its so boring out here parties are bunk. Who the called me today have no idea who was that girl I wish I knew who she was thought she sounded reallly good though. Lets see what else is there to say I don't really feel like college has got hard yet but I feel it coming. I hope I'm ready when all the hard works hits me BAAaMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmm!!!!!!!!!!!! Just like that. I realize that I do think of gurls a lot that's crazy even right now I'm talking about gurls haaaa. Hmmmmm will I meet a girl out here who will at least be my friend. Maannn this stupid computer is slow and these dum pop ups keep coming up man I didn't realize that 20 min was this long man I forgot how to type fast so ill just use this as practice I guess. Soooooooo lets see Wow there sure is a lot of porn online stupid popups trying to distract me all the time just leave me alone like micheal jackson mann that guys weird I feel srry for those kids lol. no but really that's sick I'm on 12 min and 10 sec. hmm doesn't seem like I said a lot so man I really not liking austin if this continues I'm going back home. I don't kjnow though I got freedom here like I would have in houston there I got a person watching me which is goood but how willl I ever grow without learning on my own. I actually learned how to wash clothes out here that's a big accomplish ment seein that I never did that. Yep I can a lot if I put my mind to it those white kids won't know what hit them when I get all my grades up and start knowing more people imma take there gurls lol. Then every body willl be on my swangers foreal mann those cookies smell good but if I take my hands off the keyboard then ill stop typing and that's no good screw it let me get a cookie. Hmmmmmmmmm that's good lol. I feel like I'm chatting ca;use I just don't care about grammer. I need some music its so boring and what kind of crap do they jamm down hurrr its so weak and so is the dancing. yup good old h-town inned to go back and chill with my friends and especially Lindsey My Love man forreal though I miss her most of all its like when I say I miss houston I mean her cause she's the only thing worth going back for. maybe in the future if it was meant to be ill meet here again and well fall in love all over agian! I wish but she's beatiful she wouldn't be single and she's just perfect. I heart her.

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19

I just got back from math class, and surprisingly, I feel good despite my lack of sleep for the past 2 weeks. Or I should probably say my irregular sleep patterns. But anyway, I'm not looking forward to my economics class, but my psychology class is a different story. I like my professor, he actually keeps the class interesting, as well as entertaining/comical, unlike my economics class. I dread that class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I would not be surprised if I fell asleep in that class today. But there is one advantage to going to economics Salina, or should I say Natalie. I got to stop calling her Salina. I wonder if she gets offended. I hope she knows that I mean well, and besides, she's so cool. Not to mention, fine as all hell. I wonder what I'm going to do tonight, I hope I see Amy. Woooooohh deeee! She is the most gorgeous, absolute prettiest, hottest girl I have ever seen in my entire life, hands down, bar none. And yes, I am keeping Annie in mind. Annie would be a close second. I wonder how Annie is doing, I miss her. I should probably respond to her email, considering she did email me 2 WEEKS AGO! That's alright, I can just come up with another excuse, like always. That could be the problem with me. I just put things off and blame it on laziness. But I don't want to go into that right now, because I would need 20 different 20 min writing sessions. That sucks that I was just interrupted by my roommate's phone, because I was about to be on fire. I wonder how many words per minute I've been typing. Pretty good, I'm sure. It's surprising that I haven't mentioned Jared, or Dom I don't give an F about those guys anymore, and I wouldn't be one bit discouraged if I never saw them again. You better believe that. I could have hit those bastards, for the sake of keeping this writing assignment somewhat clean. Anyways, I believe that it will catch up to them someday, and I'm going to let Nature take it's course. I know for a fact that Miles doesn't have anything going for him, I mean he got fired from my friend's dad's restaurant, and then got fired from Subway! Not to knock Subway, but I would expect more out of him, or maybe not. Dom will somehow make an important person feel special, he'll win his or her respect and make a living out of it, but he'll never earn respect from anyone. Jared, I hate to admit, is smart, for now. But oh yeah, it'll catch up. All those drugs are going to bake his head, I can already see it happening. Sure, he's textbook smart, but that won't last for long. Usually, I would wish for their wellbeing, but I have been through far too much. Right now, I seem malicious towards them, but in 2 weeks, I'm sure I just won't care. Has it been 20 minutes, because it feels like about 2 hours. I'm going to check the time, I know, I know, that's cheating, but I HAVE TO! Here I go. I'm back, I've got 4 minutes left. So, there's this kid I used to know from middle school, his name is Iraj. He's Iranian, and to my surprise, he's so cool. I'm sorry, that's sounds mean, but this is middle school feelings mixed with high school feelings. He's got PINK hair for crying out loud! And I think he's the only kid that I have ever met able to pull a stunt off like that. I think it suits him, and suits him well. I'm very impressed with how he matured, not to mention his full beard. He actually told me that I used to look more Iranian in middle school, which I think is just crazy. I would say it's the other way around. Basically, he's really cool, and I wish him well. I just hope that he outgrows the not caring much about academics. It's either he doesn't care, or the alarm just went off. Alarm? Oh yeah! I guess I didn't have to check half way through. I don't think I can stop typing, it's like I'm permanently in this stream of consciousness mode, and I really like it. It's like I can express, or spill all of my feelings out, without having to hear feedback. However, feedback would be so beneficial. I'm going to force myself to stop right now.

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6

Today is thursday, September 12th. Yesterday was 9/11. I wasn't too scared about it cause I knew that nothing would happen. It was just kind of sad, I guess. Everytime I turned on the T. V. there was something about it. The sad stories, the encouraging ones about the heroes. By the end of the day, I was just kind of fed up with it. There was this one part that certaintly got my attention. On MTV, they were having this 30 seconds thing, where some people talked about something dealing with 9/11. THere was this one guy who had a long beard, and looked liked an Afghan, and he said that one day this guy just punched him out of no where, just because he looked like that. I think that is just so extremely stupid, he wasn't even an Muslim, he was a Shikh or something. I mean you cannot really blame the few that did that to the entire Muslim society. I mean there are 1 billion Muslims, they can't all be terrorists. But I don't really blame them, cause I mean even if I was in their places, I would kind of react the same way. Although, I would try not to. But, now things are changing. Not many people hate you just because one is a Muslim. Oh well, enough about this. I saw this cute chick on 9/11. She was in the biology class. She was just sooo cute. I should have talked to her, but before i knew it she was gone. Hopefully, i will see her next time. Today was the draw for the texas-ou game. I didn't get the tickets, my draw number was on the 80000s, and the tickets were sold out at 79450. This kind of . . I mean only 450 people got to get tickets, i mean, why they couldnt more tickets for the students. I was really disappointed. But i am still a freshmen so maybe next coming years. I am going home this weekend, first time after school started. I am really looking forward to it. Just need a few days away from UT. Its seems like I have been here more than 3 weeks. It should be fun. I also have test coming up starting next week. Hopefully i will do good. I really need to make as many As as i can. I have to transfer to the school of Business, which is the hardest to get into. Hopefully, i will get in. After i get done with this, i have to finish my Calculus homework. Its due tomm at 3 in the morning. What kind of time is that. Last week i didnt turn it in because i thought, it was 3 in the afternoon. I didnt look if it was p. m. or a. m. I was done with it too. I was sooooooo mad. I guess i learned my lesson though. BUt still, 3 in the morning, whats up with the time. I had a quiz in Economics today, it was soo hard compared to the one last week. Last week's quiz was a piece of cake. IT was sooo easy. I hate when teacher/sorry professors do this. THey make the first test/quiz easy and the second or the final exam are like really hard. Be consistent, you know. I have 3 minutes left, ummm, This class is kind of fun. I like Dr. Penebaker, if i spelled that right, his examples and stuff are soo funny. But my Economics professor is just as cool, Dr. Hamermesh. Both of the class are fun. Cal and CHemistry are alright, not as much fun. It is soo quiet in this lab, you could hear the roar of the computers. UT is weird, sometimes is soo quiet, while other soo crowded and loud. I guess i am getting used to it though. Well my time is up. It was fun writing this. Its kind of girly though, like a journal.

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9

I'm sitting here at my boyfriend's place, and I am hungry. That's about the biggest thing on my mind right now. When I have to write my thoughts down, I just can't seem to know what I feel at that specific moment. Well, I guess, right now I can say I'm thinking more about what I am actually going to type rather than what I am feeling or what kind of emotions I possess. OK, so now my boyfriend is trying to give me ideas on what to write. I, of course, told him that I will write only what is on my mind right now (which is HUNGER). Princess Diana's death just popped into my head. I can't believe she is dead, even though I never paid attention to her. She was just one of those people who I thought would always be in the news until she was ancient. Just a shock. The Hansons are stupid. I just now saw an MTV commercial with them on it. As you can guess, I am not a big fan. I thought they were kind of cute at first, but the more I heard their song, the more I disliked them. Celine Dion needs to come up with some songs of her own. She is always remaking the old ones. All I can say is that she can't sing them as good as the people who first did. I never get E-mail. I know it's my only my first week of school, but I like to get mail. Plus, E-mail is new to me. I've never had an E-mail address before. I was really uncomfortable today when my boyfriend's roommate, girlfriend, and her friends came over. I can never seem to get comfortable around his friends. It's like they scrutinize me. I definitely do not like to be in the spotlight. Well, only if it's for a good thing. Like for an achievement or if I know for sure that I will not be embarrassed. Otherwise, I'd rather just be apart of the crowd or stand in the back. Being uncomfortable is the worst feeling. Oh, goodness! It has been twenty minutes already. Time flew by. I kind of liked doing this. It was kind of a relief to just sit and type and not worry about sticking to a certain topic or subject.

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2

This is supposed to be a free writing assignment where I just write for 20 minuets about stuff that just pops into my head. The question here is what pops into my head. I don't think I really have that much going on up there. I mean I guess I could talk about J. She lives in S. C. and is a voice performance major. From the moment I saw here I could see we were going to have many greats times together and just be full of laughs. This girl T has started stalking me and I don't know what to do about it. She keeps writing me Emails asking if I have a girlfriend and weather she can stay in my apartment when she comes up for the airport rave. I'm going to the Union tonight because they are going to have free bowling. I wonder if Harsh still works there or not. Speaking if harsh I haven't talked to him in a while. I should probably give him a call or something like that. I have so much stuff I have to do. Like for my CC class I have to read a whole book this weekend, which is going to be hard for me because I have such a slow reading rate. I'm not so worried about my comprehension because I can usually remember most of the stuff I read. Like the quiz I took in my CC class. I thought it was going to be really hard because there was so much information I had to go over, so I ended up just skimming most of the assigned reading. It turned out that I remember almost all the relevant stuff and did pretty well on the quiz. I want to go see a movie this weekend. Something like cell. The person who did the costumes for Bram Stoker's Dracula did the costumes for cell so they should be really interesting. I still haven't picked up Basil's pictures yet. He called and asked for them like two days ago. He said he is having a blast in Washington DC. He has made a couple of friends, which is more than I have done. I can't seem to make any new friends. Its just so hard. I mean when I think about it all I have to do is talk to people and follow up on them. I think I'm a nice guy and easy to get along with, I just do like to put forth any effort when I comes to basically anything. I want to go down to the Valley this weekend because Jordan said that there is going to be some good surf. That lucky bastard. He is getting into Kite sailing which seems to me like it would be so much fun. I mean I love flying kites in the first place and I love to windsurf so putting the 2 together is just an awesome idea. I really miss J. She really has a way of bringing out the good parts of me. ,. I am always more talkative. Well not always I mean like when I saw her a couple of weeks ago it took me a while before I was ready to talk. I don't now why I don't talk a lot. I mean I guess I don't really have that much to say. Either that or I just think that it wont be interesting to people to have them listen to me. I am always the quiet one in large groups of people. Except for a couple of times. Lie when I went over to Mike and paulino's house the other day I was in total control of the situation. But. I lost my train,. someone interrupted me. , He asked if I had a printer and I said yes. Its not hooked up thought. I need to find a power transformer for it. I guess I can find one at circuit city or office max or something. I just don't want to take the time to go out and find one. Plus that would involve me getting out the specifications of my printer to find. I really miss my high school even though it has gone to shit in the past couple of years. Like they took away all the funding for the year book. Which sucked in the first place because we didn't get our senior year books until the next year. How lame is that? Anyway the year books this year are going to be real small and all in black and white. Sucks to be CHad's gfriend since he still goes there and she is a senior and this is the first year that they have done this. I hear the new principal is changing a lot besides just funding I hear he is a great guy and all but I think he is just adding to the down fall of the school. I predicted when I graduated that the school wouldn't keep its high standings that it had for the past 8 years for very much longer. I guess my powers of foresight Prometheus or whatever that Cyclops' name is. I've learned a lot in all my classes already. I've also read a lo more than I usually do. Those bastards at the UTLC are going to make me take 10 hours of. Yves saw me today. We are going to the union tonight. He was the one I was talking to about cell. I wanted to go ice skating but I didn't say anything. I need to realize that people can read my mind. well at least not all of them. Have I written enough yet? It seems like I have been typing for an eternity. Oh well I guess ill stop.

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My thoughts, sensations, and emotions are always changing with each new experience, idea, and whatever happens throughout my life. They are affected sometimes by what other people think and sometimes affected from just maturing and thinking differently. Right now I feel like I am in control of myself because I am doing well in school academically, socially, and mentally. School work is very important to me and I make sure that I do well. I don't go overboard like a lot of my friends who study hours every day. Socially, I have adapted very well in meeting new friends. Mentally, I am in control and focused on what is going on in my life. There were some problems that have caused some stress in my life since college started. First, me and my roommate got in some petty arguments, but now we are getting along just fine. Also, I had some guy problems. I regretted doing some things I knew I shouldn't have done, but now we worked things out and or friendship is even better than before. I know that I haven't been eating right and sleeping enough, which is causing some changes in my body that cause me to be more tired and weak. I always go to sleep way too late and wake up early for my classes. Last night a friend called at two in the morning and I talked to him for hours even though I should have y eight-o-clock class. I am in a very good mood today because everything seems to be working out for me. I'm usually a nice pleasant person until I am faced with a lot of stress or go through PMS. Then I get in a really bad mood. My friends know when to stay away from me. The only thing really troubling me right now is all the reading I have to do for my classes. the assignments they give us are no problem, but the reading is crazy. They bombard us with reading assignments that really aren't necessary. My art class, for instance, requires for the present moment for me to read from pages 13 to 200-something. I really don't want to read about all these statues and paintings and sculptures from different eras. Anyway, I miss my family, but I'm not homesick at all. How can I be when my parents call ALL the time? I know they care for me, but it's really not necessary for them to want to visit every weekend, which I won't allow them to do. That sounds mean, but they're going to have to get used to it. I do miss the free laundry and the home-cooked meals and my own room and my nice bathroom, but oh well.

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3

I feel so tired. I was so awake until I walk into calculus in which the voice of the professor just made me want to close my eyes and fall asleep. Then my mind kept wandering. The year has just begun and I'm realizing that work is just going to get worse. I have to write a rough draft for RHE 306 that will be due next Monday. I have to start working on that. Then I have to remember that after Rhetoric and Composition that I have to cross the South Mall and go to the Mezes building so I can sign up for some experiments for Psych class. I would rather do experiments instead of writing a 5page research paper. Then my mind always wanders to this weekend. It will be a special weekend because it will be the onemonth anniversary of my boyfriend and me. I don't know what to get him. I have to remember to ask my best friend for suggestions. He's my first boyfriend ever and he has done so much for me. I don't know what I would do without him. I am so happy that my first boyfriend is someone special because I've heard of first boyfriends that don't mean much other than they're their first boyfriends. Then again, most girls have had their first boyfriends when they were as young as in grade school. I'm in college now. It's a little different I would think. Now, what do I get for him? It's such a hard question to answer and I'm low on cash. Well, I'm not low on cash, it's just that I'm given a $20 allowance for each week and I've already used up 3 weeks worth of allowances in less than a week. I need to be able to budget my money more. Then I've been using up my dining dollars faster than I should be. I'm about $40 under than where I should be. I'm really not good with keeping track of my money. Then I have so much reading to do in all my classes. The only class that doesn't require much of my time is calculus. Unbelievable! I'm so thankful that I took calculus in high school or I would be so lost because it's hard to understand everything the professor is saying. If I go back to visit high school, I'm going to go thank Ms. Hall for being a great calculus teacher. I went looking through my psychology book and there are so many interesting things in there. There are some funny quotes and cartoons in there. I always found psychology interesting thanks to my psych teacher in high school. That reminds me, I'll have to thank Ms. LeClair too for being a great psych teacher. Oh, looks like time is up!

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5

ever since my boyfriend got this new job as a community assistant in an apartment complex, it doesn't seem like he has any time left over to spend with me. also, since he is a higher rank in rotc, he is even busier. so i question. what's going to happen to us? i ask him over and over again and he just gets upset. what am i supposed to think? every time this happens, we end up in an argument and threaten to break up which really hurts. i mean, he can't play with my emotions like that. it's not fair that he can have me waiting for him and giving up all my other plans in the hope that maybe this time, he'll come see me or make plans with never happens. it's not fair how he can just have me on the side when it's convenient to him. why is is that he seems like a totally different person now. not the same from the guy that i met more than a year ago. how can someone just change overnight? i am upset that when he does come and see me, it's is timed cause he says he's trying to squeeze me into his busy schedule. it make me feel like i am in prison and getting visitation rights or something. relationships shouldn't be like that. it was never like that in the begining. but he says he's a different person now. he just called right now and hung up on me because i told him i couldn't talk cause i was doing this thing for the psychology class. he's mad. but what am i supposed to do? after all, the reason i am here, is to go to school and learn and stuff. if he expects me to understand everything he does why can't he understand that i need to do this thing. i feel like i'm gaining a little bit of weight and that bothers me a lot. yet, i'm too stubborn to get into a diet and too lazy to go excercise at the gym. i am sooooo stresed out. not just from the crap i have to put up with my boyfriend but also because of school work and the crap i have to put up to with work. work does not seem fun anymore. it was in the begining when i first started working there for more than a year ago. maybe because it was my very first job and i was getting paid more that i thought i would be. or maybe it was cause i'm new in town and was meeting lots of people then who are my age. but now, it seems like work is just a drag. maybe i'm jealous cause my boyfriend has this wonderful job or may be it's cause a lot of the people and managers that i started working with left to another state or for another occupation and just wanted to get away. i need the money that is why i am still working there. i applied at the hospital a couple of weeks ago but they haven't called me back or anything. then last week, i decided i wanted to volunteer at the children's hospital and when i called to inquire about it to see what i got to do, they told me that they were good. they were good? how can that be. they're a hospital. i thought they always needed help. and i was going to do some services for free. it's not like i was going to ask pay or anything. it was going to be free. my boyfriend's roomate's mom works there and the roomate had told me that he was going to ask his mom to give me a job and he did and she said that all i needed was to give her the hours that i can work. i mean, i can do that but it would be really awkward in my position because the mom is my boyfriends ex mom. i just didn't want to be in that position you know? and i really need to start working in the nursing field and get out of being a cashier at heb because that's my major, nursing. that's another thing i was worried about. what if i don't get accepted to nursing school next semester? then what am i going to do? maybe i can switch to pharmacy just like what my friend did. but i don't think it will be any easier or anything. it was funny because one of my friends from my apartment complex is also a pharmacy major and was sucking up really bad to his pharmacy teacher so he

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30

I want to start with a simple color. Let's say blue. When I think of blue I think of the ocean and where I live. I live in Brownsville Texas. It's "on the border by the sea" That's like the Brownsville saying. I also think of baby blankets, actually my baby blanket. This leads me to thinking about a George Strait song entitled "Baby Blue". It's a song about his daughter that passed away in a car accident. He's describing her eyes and what he thinks about every day. That has to be hard to deal with. A death in the family is such a detrimental thing to cope with. Fortunately my family has never had an immediate family member pass away. The closest I've been to a loved one that has died, was my great-grandmother. I've also had my girlfriend lose her great-grandmother and her grandmother right after each other. I went to those funerals. I really don't like them very much, It's extremely sad for all the loved ones mourning the death. I guess this leads me to thinking about the color black. It's weird that people usually associate things or ideas to color. I guess it's because we're such a vivid creature. Our vision capabilities are quite advanced when compared to those of other animals. We, humans, are able to see most of the spectrum, all we cant see is the ultra-violet end and the, oh I forgot, I think it's the infer red side as well. We might excel in vision, but are still very primitive in the sense of smell. When we compare our smelling to that of canines, all I can say is that they are able to smell around 100-1000 times better than us. Back to black. Jet Black is favorite color, or at least it used to be. I really enjoy viewing the colors of nature. I have found myself buying shirts the colors of nature. Like a dirt/green or pale/orange, light/yellow or sky/blue, the color of soil. I love the smell of the earth after it rains, it smells so pure, rich, I guess I associate that smell to nature. Imagine what a dog smells after it rains. Now that's something I wish I could take a whiff of. That's around 25 min. of writing. I want to say that this has been a great experience for me. It calmed me down from this hurried morning. I feel more at ease with myself, but I can't explain why. Well, I hope you've enjoyed this little talk with me. I know I'm not supposed to use "you" when writing a paper, but the instructions say that it's alright to fib a little in my grammar. Sorry for any misunderstandings. "Good-bye and Good-luck. "

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21

There are some very strange things on TV. I don't watch TV all that often, but when I do it gets stranger and stranger. I love to eat. I eat constantly. Sometimes I wonder what it really is driving me to eat all of the time. Crunch and Munch is the snack of choice for me at the moment. Buttery toffee popcorn with peanuts, it is funny to think why it is so good. But it is intriguing. Why do people change? I often wonder why she did it to me, what did I do to deserve it? I thought she was my friend, but I guess I was wrong. Without trust, friendship means nothing. I often think of this as I look at my relationships with other people, do I really trust them? I wonder why I sit and harass myself with the torture of scrutinizing every aspect of my life. Why do I? I know there is nothing wrong with me, yet I still sit here and ask myself what I could do differently. I need to accept that people do change, including myself. I believe I am addicted to Instant Messaging. It is a remarkable invention. To be able to "talk" instantaneously with my friends all over the country is just unbelievable. I can carrying on a conversation with as many people as I can handle at one time, but usually I just stick to two or three or it becomes too much to handle. I don't even know if this is making any sense, but I don't really care. The thing with instant messaging is that I have an obsession with wondering who is on or who is getting off, I have to check every time I hear the sound of the door opening and closing, even if I have no intention of actually talking to anyone. Why do I play mind games all of the time? I really do. I sit here and plot ways to make him want me or make him think I am mad or happy or whatever. I seriously need to quit eating this crap. It may taste good, but I know it can't be good for me. This is ridiculous, I really do need to stop eating.

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6

Well right now I only have a couple things on my mind that don't seem to leave my head all day long. The two big ones are this guy I saw again and had a great time with and my school work. These two things are really bugging me. First off with school I am worried about what type of grades I am going to get,whether or not I am going to keep myself on top of my works, whether or not I will have the will power to actually tell people no I can't do this because I have to study, how are the first test in all my classes going to go, is there going to be an overwhelming amount of information on my exams that I am going to have to knwo, how much harder are these tests going to be then my test I had in high school, how exactly do I study for a college test when there is so much information to know, how specific are the questions going to be on the test and are they going to be tricky questions. These are a lot of the questions that run through my head and I am not usually a person who freaks out about stuff in my life. I guess another reason I am so worried is because I would really like to get into the business school if possible, but everyone tells me how hard it is and that I am going to have to make a 4. 0 and then even then I possible could not get in if I don't have the right connections or know the right people. So on that note, I am starting to try to figure out exactly what am I going to do with my life or major in if I don't get into the business school. I guess there are other things that I am interested in, but it would just make life a lot easier if I got in. The other major thing on my mind is this guy a saw again and hung out with the whole weekend. He is such an extremely nice guy, smart, gorgeous, and so much fun to be around and totally sweet. I haven't been treated like he treated me in a long time. He seemed totally into me too, but I don't know. I guess the whole self-conscious thing is coming into effect of whether he felt as strongly about me as I did about him. He seemed like it though. He also just happens to go to Texas A&M too. Which makes things even more confusing. One, if we were to become boyfriend and girlfriend would things really actually work out doing the whole long distance relationship thing?(It's only an hour and 45 minutes away, but still that's different than living in the same town 5 minutes away) Also what goes on in my head is would I really want a boyfriend right now just starting off college and would I really want to put up with whole long distance thing. I can't stop thinking about him and I think he would be worth doing it for if that was what he wanted too. He is actually 3 years older than me, so I know and recognized he already went through the whole party and chasing all the girls phase that a lot of people go through when they first start college. I don't even know how this guy exactly feels about me so in ways I am crazy thinking all this stuff so quickly and soon in my head. I just could tell how much he cared by his actions and things he said that he must be feeling the same way that I do, but who knows I guess time can only tell how the future of my grades and how this guy and I are going to work out, so I should probably stop stressing and worrying about it so much. I guess I can only prepare myself the best I can for all my classes and whatever happens with the guy I guess is ment to be.

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man I should have waited and gone to the restroom before I walked into the library's computer lab. . Geez!!!!!!!!!. . I really need to go but I can't because I have already began to write. . Well now I know that I must hold it and wait for these 20 minutes to past. Which could feel like forever. Wow! looking around I see a lot of students working on something that must be important since they sit quietly stuck to the seat in front of their computer. . Finally. Today was the first day in which I ate with some friends from high school. . Whom right now seem to be my only friends here at UT if I am lucky to see them around in between classes. I know I should try and make new friends because you know what they say, "you meet your best and closest friends in college. " I have made attempts to talk to new people on campus, whether I'm sitting on the bus with someone I have never met or waiting in the hallway with another student for my next class to begin. I mean I want to meet many new faces but then again I am worried that the people I approach don't want to be approached by a complete stranger. I don't know but I need to figure something out so I can enjoy every little bit of my college experience. hey? wasn't there suppose to be a timer at the top of the screen? oh no I didn't bother checking what time I started to type!well it doesn't seem like 20 minutes just yet so ill keep typing about something. Well, lately I have been having doubts about whether to change my major or not. I am currently a mechanical engineer major but have been thinking about switching to computer science. I feel like I will have an easier time in computer science because I find it more interesting. GEEZ!!!!! my arm is staring to hurt from all this typing and my fingers are all worn out. I knew I should have taken that keyboarding class in middle school so I would learn to type properly and not with the same index fingers. lately my mind has been full of worries and things that I need to do before deadlines. this morning I went to the Austin Municipal Court to turn in my Defensive driving certificate and they didn't accept it because I need to pay off the balance of my citation first. Now where am I going to get $137 right now? My books left me with an empty wallet and I have at least 2 weeks to come up with that money. I think I'm just going to have to sell some of my valued belongings and maybe even donate plasma again. Yup! I have donated blood before and have received money for it and I told myself it would be my first and last time to do it. but it doesn't seem like its going to be that way! so I think its been 20 minutes now because I only had 45 minutes of log on time and I was just informed that I have 25 minutes left so yeah. .

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Right now at this moment I am feeling a little anxiety. I tell myself that this is normal, being a first year student I should feel this way. But the thought does not comfort me. For some reason I feel I am the only one who is going through this right now. I don't feel anxiety all the time though, when I run into friends or go to class it all disappears. My only explanation is that I am comfortable with routine. I hate routine. There is nothing exciting about it, it's just boring. There's no risk in routine or adventure, only security. Maybe that's why I feel so much better when I have work to do or a class to catch. I hope I grow out of this and become more relaxed. The way I see it is that the only way I'm ever going to grow out of this is to get use to the different lifestyle by gaining confidence over time. You can only gain courage towards something as you do it. All I have to do is get over that first hurdle, just do it and not think about the situation for too long. That's my problem; I worry about the future way too much. Worrying is a waste of time and I know that from experience. Half the things I have worried about here at school have turned out to be nothing. But for some reason I still worry, I worry a lot. I have noticed that nothing ever turns out the way you plan in your head. So if I plan on worrying, why do I actually worry? I know there's a good chance it won't happen because I thought of it. I will never enjoy life like this. If this keeps up I'm going to have a problem. I want to go out into the world and totally change something. But I know for sure that won't happen if I don't grow up!.

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Hey what's up? I just got home from school and hopefully I can finish doing this before my sister gets home and takes over the computer. Today was cool I got my hair cut finally and the girl that did it was really sweet. I wish my hair was thicker though. I'm trying to type as fast as I can in twenty minutes so I'm wondering how much I'll really end up typing. I can't wait to go to college station this weekend. I hope mom doesn't find out that I ran into that pole in the garage. I think I'm just going to tell her that a car must have hit it. I have the story all planned out and everything. I'd much rather drive Karla's car to college station this weekend. I can't wait to see Austin again. He's so awesome. I had so much fun at Emo's last night, Minus the Bear rocked. Sometimes I feel out of place at that place though because it seems like everyone is trying to hard to look like they don't want to go crazy when the band is playing. I'm so happy they played my favorite song, too. I was surprised how many Victoria people were there too. I think Nick is so cute too! I haven't seen Lynette in a while that was surprising. I wonder if she still thinks I'm a bitch for all that crap in high school. I'm starting to realize that Austin isn't as fun as I thought it'd be. It's a crazy place to live, but after being in College Station all I think about is how fun it'd be to live there. There's so many teenagers and so much to do at night. The cat's distracting me it keeps trying to drink my water. I think I hurt it when he flew off the table. I'm going to make pizza to eat pretty soon here. I can't remember the last time I ate at the same time Karla did. Hopefully my car will be ready soon because this no ac is really pissing me off. Which doesn't really matter anyways since there's no place to park without having to pay five dollars. I don't like going to Eco class very much. I feel like the teacher is going to jump up and ask some question and I have no idea what he's talking about. I haven't even been reading as much as I thought I would in school. Maybe I should start too because it'll probably start to get hard and then I really won't know what anyone's talking about. I always wonder if Austin is getting tired of me. I know he always thinks about getting with another girl, but I'd really like to see what he does and how he is when he's all drunk at some party. That's going to be weird when he joins that frat but him and Roe fit in with them pretty good I think. I know I should have joined that one group but I think I just wanted to know someone in it before I did. I don't think I could ever afford to pay that much money anyways. I can't even hold on to a hundred in a week. I need to stop buying so many clothes but there's too many cute things I want. I can't wait to get regular cable, these channels suck. I think me and Austin will last a long time, we don't fight at all, so maybe being far away can be a good thing. I bet a lot of people think I'm stupid for staying with him

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Well, my first psychology writing assignment, actually my frist real psychology assignment ever, in college. So technically this is my first assignment in the major of my choice. Stream-of-conciousness. Like weird Faulkner stream-of-conciousness. That was weird. Hopefully my thoughts arent as weird as that character, well I can't even think of the book or the characters at the moment. So it didnt make that much of an impression upon me. I really am mad that I can't use my own computer for this assignment. Smoothies on keyboards don't make for easy using of all the keys. So here I am, in this girl across the hall from me's room, using her computer, trying to focus upon my thoughts and whatnot while people are playing loud music, opening boxes of poptarts, slapping me for writing about them in my first psychology assignment, etc. I can't work when its too loud. Of course the main problem with this whole stream-of-conciousness assignment is that now I am think about what I am thinking about. Take a minute on that one. Am I really writing what I am thinking about or what I want you, whoever is reading it, to read. Ok now to focus more. This is one of the weirdest assignments I've ever done. But I will confess, I've thought about writing a book in stream of conciousness style before. Faulkner, Joyce (he wrote that way didnt he?) and Russell. It can't be too hard, but to be honest when your thinking about the things your smelling and feeling and seeing, its not just whatever on the paper. ) Ahhh, the smell of poptarts wafting through the air. Definately chocolate, maybe s'more. It smells so warm, and inviting and delicious. It even makes the delicious stir-fry in Jester. i had stir fry today. The chicken was gross, the vegetables stale, almost a chore to chew it. So I did what all reasonable people would do, threw it away. Despite all the starving children throughout the world, etc. Money is going fast here. Faster than I thought, its going to be a pain to call and ask the parents for some more cash. But its not like it will be the first time, or even the last. Theres just some things in life that are expected, and one of them, is asking the 'rents for money. I hope my stream-of-conciousness writing is psuedo-interesting. I mean of course it won't be Faulkner, but after all who is. Would I want it to be too Faulkner? I don't think so, I would probably become more of a study in psych than a student. I wish I wouldnt have known anything about Faulkner before this assignment, because in the back of my head, I see his dashes, random . . things, and mine isnt looking like that. Oh well. My hand is beginning to hurt a bit from typing non-stop. Oh well, in the name of science! Okay, people here are starting to talk to me while Im trying to concentrate. Talking about dust, and AC. And yes, of course when you use AC, dust increases. Its a POSITIVE correleation. People are starting to laugh at me and call me Faulkner. All in good fun, yes I know. I'll show them. Haha. I want this girl to play Howie Day, and she wont. Stubborn thing. Music, its funny to think about, there are so many kinds. Wow. I know about. 100000 songs. I think its safe to assume that. Whenever you assume, though, it makes an ass out of you and me. My old psych teacher used to spit those sayings at us during senior year. She was a little off her rocker. She worked at Dorthea-Dix, but I think she used to be a patient there. Either way it was funny to watch her. Mrs. Cheek, the Cheekster, Shivers. Wow. She was wild. Coco the Gorilla. That's all the lady would talk about. It was like CoCo was her damn gorilla or something. Haha, wow. Everything related to Coco. Funny old woman. And she would knit, all day, during class during lunch. She was odd. But who's to say whats normal? Im starting to think of this one time, when my mom told me that 6% of the world was sane. First off, that means there are a heck of a lot of crazy people running around. But then you start to think, 6%, holy mackeral, which side am I on? And then you finally realize, you arent one of those 6% whose 'normal'. Either way, its fine. I love psychology. Its bad, like cool bad, not bad bad. I worked two summers ago with a research psychologist in the VA/Baylor labs at the Medical Center in Houston. I saw all kinds of interesting things. Brain-slicing and the likes. This doc that I worked with, Dr. Kunik, was a card. I went with him to rounds. Mr. Rogers. The man, about 86, called me Michelle Pfiffer, and claimed that birds and horses around his house told him to kill the Jews, and his wife. The thing was, his wife was dead. Either way, it was interesting. There were so many like that. It was wild. Then, came the multiple personalities. Not for me, but I learned about them in psych class and read 'Sybil' and then I was off. I read 'When Rabbit Howls'- whoa. How interesting though! Oh no, I only have 2 minutes left, I want to keep talking about multiples. Anyway, then I read 'I Never Promised You a Rose Garden', that threw me off. She was a little weird. But hey, don't forget about that 6%, we all are. This wasnt so bad after all. I didnt really focus on things I was smelling or feeling, well kinda. Just mainly what I was thinking, which was enough for me, and I mean after all, I'm no Faulkner, thank God.

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Its hard to think about what to write of when you are told to, although maybe its hard because things have become more difficult as of late. It must be the typical freshman story but even though we all try to be so different when we come here we all end up in the same boat. It so much like high school its hard to believe, we'll the social part of it is anyway. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if there weren't music in the world. At times it seems to be the only thing that keeps people together, although you never hear many people talk about it in that light. What is even more interesting is how depressing and sentimental most of these essays will be. I wonder how many people will write about how depressed they are and how no one really knows the real them and how hard it is to wake up in the morning. Its hard to differentiate between what is real and what is a line out of a movie that someone is saying these days. So maybe that's why everyone tries to be different. I really don't know. But as everyday passes it seems like people lose a sense of the beauty in the world. There isn't anything much more beautiful to me than the sunset or just sitting outside. I find shadows especially beautiful, I'm sure that it holds some underlying meaning to it that I find shadows pretty. Something about how since I like them that I feel that I'm in the shadows of life, but maybe I am. I just feel more alive sometimes when I sit outside in absolute stillness and let everything live around me. I feel as if I'm living with it. Strange I know, but true. I have always felt that if I were to die I would like to die lying in a field in the afternoon listening to music. I have a picture by Monet that reminds me of a field that was behind my house when I was younger. It seems that those times were so much better than times are now. I wonder if I'll ever be as happy as I was back then again someday. And I'm not alone in that thought. Responsibilities just keep piling up day by day and I just wish that there were a break. It would be nice to be a rock star someday, I feel that if I were up there on stage that I would be so much happier. But I know that I probably would feel the same as I do now. I need to do something that will get me recognized someday, I feel as if I'm destined for fame somehow. But as it is now I feel like I'll end up in a dead end life like most others. I know that most say that there are many other things that make life worth living even though they have a job that they hate. But I would rather be a bum then have a job that I hated. I would feel like I sold myself out in someway. Transcendence is something that has always interested me. Mostly the idea that I could transcend life and become something greater than it. The way the words come off ones tongue when they say that makes me feel warm. I envy authors that have a mastery of language. It would be awesome to write something that when people read it they would be overcome with emotions. Hopefully I'll make enough money in my life that I can stop working and spend all my time making music. I just wish I had the balls to become a musician and do what I want, but if I do I feel like I'll be a failure to all those that I've told that I'm going to be a doctor and what not. Its a nice business its just that there isn't much recognition in it unless you put your whole life in it. And I don't think that I could put my whole life into it since I don't think I would enjoy it.

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Today I had my third day of classes at UT. It is still scary to walk around with so many faces that I have never seen before. I see all the older students and they are so confident in what they do and I keep thinking that one day, I will know lots of people on campus and not feel as intimidated as I still do. My parents still intimidate me even though I don't live under the same roof as them anymore. I have all these responsibilities and they are still checking up on me all the time and I feel like I must make them proud of me. I guess I will always feel that way. My mom once told me that she still feels like she has to do what her mother thinks is right, but she has learned to not feel guilty for a decision she feels is the best one. My boyfriend thinks I try to please to many people and I need to start doing what I want. I guess he doesn't know that I try to please him the most. He thinks he is not one of the people that makes me unhappy. He is older and he thinks he knows more than I do, but went to A&M so there is no way that is true. Most of my friends stayed in Austin, but some of by best friends went to far away places and I already miss them a lot. I live with three of my best friends from high school. My room roommate and I get along great and have been friends since we were five, and the other two I have known since we were eleven. So far everything is going well in our new apartment, but one girl has decided it is not her job to clean anything, and we are going to have to talk to her about that. Three people can take care of an apartment, but we would all rather not. She is just taking advantage of the rest of us doing it. She doesn't even offer to do dishes or cook, or go to the store, but she complains when she doesn't like what we have to eat around the house. She is eighteen years old and she is getting married in ten months and really feels like she is ready to make that kind of commitment. I know things worked out for my parents, but it seems like people were different back then. She is really spoiled and I think we need to put her in her place. She is a sweetheart, but I can't figure out why she won't wait until after college to get married. That is just going to be an extra load, and more obstacles. They won't have enough money for all the things they want and will fight because they aren't happy. When we try to tell her these things of course she doesn't listen. She is sure what she is doing is right. Maybe for her it is, what am I to say. I could never get married at this age right now. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have mentioned the possibility of it way down the line, but there is definitely not a seven thousanddollar ring on my hand. I also don't think I want to get married because I want to make sure that this is really the guy for me. My roommate has never even dated another guy and the first relationship she gets into she thinks she wants to marry the guy. I think one of my roommates feels left out because she is the only one of us without a boyfriend. She is the sweetest girl, but not all guys like her. She never complains about it, but I think maybe she is bothered a little. I know she will find someone at this school, though, it is very big and there are lots of fish in the sea.

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This assignment is cool. It requires no outside tinking. I can just think about what I want to think about. Man I've got a three hour drive ahead of me today and i made the same drive yesterday. It was soooo boring. I wish i could just warp back to Austin or something like that. But i like being back in Pearland. It's great to see my family and friends again. I miss them sometimes and the once or twice a month i get to see them are well worth it. But when my trip is over, I'm always eager to see my peeps in Austin again and just to get back to normal life. I've got a lot of reading to do this weekend and i don't want to do it. It's alll textbook reading and i would much rather be reading Dean Koontz or just not be reading at all. I wish i could type faster and that way i could type a lot. I've got to type as much as possible. Otherwise i won't be satisfied with my experiment. blankness. . i want some new CD's to listen to on the way back to Austin. that way i wouldn't get a sbored as i was yesterday. and then the ride would weem much shorter. wow i still got thirteen minutes left. i wish i could slept in longer today but i had to wake up to make sure that i would finish this in time. i don't mind doing it but i'm jsut so dang lazy that this is even annnoying to me. I'm just not good at doing things that i don't want to do. oh well. i talked to Nick last night and we talked about how things are diff. now because i moved to Austin. all he does now is go out with girls since andy is going to San Antonio and i'm already in Austin. things have changed since i moved. i can't just go over to his house anytime i'm bored anymore it's a three hour drive if i do. i miss those guys and my family more than i thought i would it's weird being back at home. the place seems different. my room seems foreign to me because my parents cleaned it up and moved things around the week after i left for austin. i hope i'm not getting carpal tunnel syndrome, my wrists are getting kind of sore and my arms are already sore from playing racuetball the other day. it was fun thought and i'm probly going to play again today or tomorrow. i'm looking forward to it. ahhh no more wrist pain. i hope my brother won't get mad at me for stealing his computer chair but it makes my wrists feel so much better. WOW my phones loud it just scared the crap out of me when it rang see there it is! typing is sooo much easier whne your in a computer chair and not a dining room chair. i wonder what you'll think when your reading this or if anyone's even going to read it. hmmmmmmm. i need to leave pretty soon so i don't hit Houston's rush hour but there is so much stuff i need to get done with here. wow the opportunity cost sucks. three more minutes. i only got a few more minutes and then no more of this mind to page thing. after that i can just think and not have to type it up or anything ike that. i hope Pearland wins tonight and moves up in Houston's rankings and AP state rankings. they are relaly good and deserve to be high up in all rankings. likewise i hope UT kicks NC's butt tomorrow because UT IS all that and a huge bag of potato chips. then maybe they could move ahead of OU in the AP rankings because everyone knows we're better than those north of the red river weirdos who cares about the sooners anyway. Hybl sucks and their second and third strigers are both freshmen and that's really going to hurt em bad. oh well we'll see on October 12th. GO HORNS!!!

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I know so many people already, but I don't feel as that I have made that many close friends. I spent a lot of time deciding whether or not to join a fraternity, and ultimatley decided not to, and now I wonder if this was the right idea. I tried to think of both all the positive advantages and negative disadvantages of joining a frat, and came to the conclusion that it would be too time consuming. But now I see a lot of my peers invloved with Greek organizations, and they seem to be having a lot of fun. All of my room/suitemates are in frats, so they talk about it and go to their activites all the time. I do not know if I made the right decision, but there is nothing I can do now because the pledge period has already started. I will have to make the best of my situation, but I am confident and hoping that it will work out. I have some very close friends fromm my hometown of Fort Worth who are not in fraternities, so I plan on hanging out with them a lot this semseter. To find worthwhile activites, I plan on joining some student organizations and Jewish groups. I am excited about all the people here at UT, and sometimes feel intimdated about everything that is going on (especially since at my dorm, Univeristy Towers, a majority of the residents go Greek and they are always doing something). I am an optomistic person though, and I will do anythign and everything I can to have a successful and enjoyable year in school and in Austin. I am worried about a growing threat of religious fundamentalism in the world, and not only in the United States. This month, an Islamic ultranationalist group bombed two U. S. embassies in Africa. This same group has vowed to destroy the State of Israel, which is very scary to me and for all Jewish people throughout the world. Osama Bin-Laden, leader of the terrorist group, supports and financially funds Hamas, a Palestinian terror organization and Hezbollah, a Lebanese terrorist group as well, and has the support of many Muslims in the Middle East. He is very popular, and will do whatever it takes to achieve his goal- the immeidate "Liberation of Palestine from Zionist aggression" as he calls it, or "total annihilation and massacrre of the free people in the secular, democratic, peace-loving State of Israel" as I see it. He sees Israel as a hostile nation which should be removed from the world map. As all intelligent people know, Israel is a peace seeking country that respects the rights and liberites of all its inhabitants, regardless of religion. Bin-Laden has growing support of his movement from his radical fundamentalist supporters, and they are the ones responsible for commiting these terrorist acts throughout the world. For instance, this week he was probably behind a nail bomb which expoded in Tel Aviv, injuring and killing many. Also, Pakistani radicals this week announced plans to overthrow the secular government and instill a new parliament based on Islamic religious law. In poor Middle East countries, where starvation and poverty are extremely high, people having nothing positive to look forward to, so they turn to fundamentalsim. The same movement is happening right here in the United States. Some religious fundamentalist leaders, like Pat Robertson and Ralph Reed, are calling for mandatory school prayer and the inclusion of religion into public instituition. It is their intention to make the United States a Christian nation by passing legislation in favor of the religious right, which happens to be WRONG. The founders of our country included a seperation of church and state clause into the Constitution for a purpose, and that was to keep America a secular nation. The radical right wing is trying to change this very core of our country. Learning fundamentals might be good in athletics, but preaching religious fundamenalism is a dangerous threat to all of society. I commend freedom seeking nations like the United States and Israel for doing their part to combat this worldwide problem, which if not stopped will affect everyone in a very horrific manner.

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OK. I don't know much about this computer stuff. I was lucky to even get on to this homepage. Well I just got disconnected and I think my tension level just went up a few notches. I am felling really sick already and I went this day to end. I was planning to go work out tonight but it is too late. I still have math and history work left to do. I really hate math, I can't understand anything that is being said. It really makes me feel like an idiot. I look at my friends here and they all understand everything that is being said . I wish my math class in high school had taught me more. I guess tomorrow I will get up to go run. Ok. I just hit another wrong button , now I really feel worthless. I am going to have so much trouble this semester, when am I going to get to the classes that I really want. It is looking like I'm going to graduate college in another twenty years. As long as I do my best then I guess everything will work out. I miss my family and my friends back in Ohio. I wish that I could go back sometimes. If there was anything to go back to. I don't think that they really care that I am so far away. It is like I think to myself that things might be so much better there. Like if I went back then my life would all make since. I think that I would be confused anywhere I go. Well my typing is starting to slow down now. My hands are getting tired. God, I should have taking a typing class in High school. My sweet mate is watching late night and it is starting to get on my nerves. It is so loud. please let my twenty minutes be up. I need to get my act together if I don't then I will just be wasting my parents money. Maybe I should give my parents a call. But I think that I will wait for them to call me. I need to prepare for school. I need to try to socialize more. If I could manage more time. Maybe I should be an actor and work as a waiter in New York in the mean time. But there I go again with my fantasies. I'm probably stuck with a boring life like most people. Well my twenty minutes is up, I hope that my slow typing has ruined this survey.

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The one thing that amazes me the most is the complexity of the female mind. At one point, you think you know exactly what they want, but as soon as you can comfortably assume that, it all gets twisted around and kicks you in the ass. Also, when you are on the flip side of goodbye, you really start to understand the importance of relationships. If you are always on the winning team, you don't know what it would be like to lose. The more you win, the more you will think yourself invincible until you are brought down, and then you feel the most devastating emotion you have ever felt. The only difference is that with relationships, you never think about losing, especially if youre on a winning streak. True, some people will never have to experience being on the heartbreaking side of goodbye, but if you keep playing the game, eventually you will lose. No matter how much success you have after your loss, even if it is a bigger victory, you will always remember the loss you experienced and try to figure it out. I've found myself racking my brain to try and figure out something that I will ever be able to understand. The saying that time will heal all wounds is a load of crap. Time only allows wounds to fester and become infected. I think that relationships are more like getting drunk more than anything else. The more you drink it in, the better it feels. You know that the feeling won't last forever, but you keep doing it anyway, always hoping. Then it ends, and all hell breaks loose in your head. Reality hits you because you have nothing to swing back at it. The only way to lessen the pain is to start working on the next round. The old pain is still there, but youve managed to cover it up with something that will eventually add to the old pain. It may seem that i'm depressed, but in reality i just try to figure things out, and if i cant, i find similarities between two things that i can't understand. Somehow it feels like i've found a solution that way. That or it seems less pathetic. It's odd that when youre young, you always think that you'll be different from the stereotypes when you get older. When I was little, i always used to wonder why musicians would include foul language and sexual references in their records. My parents didn't like the subjects of many of the songs that I listened to, so I always told myself that if I ever became a musician, I would never include those kind of things in my songs. However, now it is apparent to me (through personal experience) that these things are boosters in the audience's attention span. However, I wonder if standards have changed, especially since the dawn of Eminem. I also think that people overreact to his music. He is simply writing about what he knows and how he feels, which is what i really respect in a musician.

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22

well, here I go writing a stream of consciousness. I am starving right now. all I have eaten today are cookies and queso with chips. the timer clock at the top of this page is bothering me, I don't know why, but it is distracting me from writing. my boyfriend is going to his ranch tomorrow. I wish he did not go every weekend because it sucks for me to be here without him. the electric bill is so expensive that we received today. I am out of money. well not out, but out of money that I can spend on random stuff. I miss my mom. I hope my grandpa is doing ok, he is very very sick. my eyes hurt. I don't like wearing my glasses. the fan is also irritating them. I am glad that its the weekend. I want a cool front to come through. I am so tired of being hot outside at school. I think I have a obsession with correct spelling. I know that this is supposed to be informal, but I cannot let a misspelled word go uncorrected. capitalization does not bother me, however, nor does some punctuation. I am the same way when I type online to my friends. I wonder if that means anything significant. probably not. I want a dog. I wish I lived in a complex that allowed pets. next year I will get one, hopefully. I want to adopt one from the SPCA or the pound. they are just as nice as ones from breeders, as well as cheaper, and they need a home more than the others. geez, this timer makes the time seem to go by more slowly. its like that saying my mom always says, 'a watched pot never boils. ' similar at least. I want a good book to read. I hate how I have so much reading homework from my classes that I do not have time to read for pleasure. oh well, maybe I'll find the time once I get more settled in to the routine of school. I need to do laundry. I have no clean clothes to wear, and I dropped grape jelly on my favorite jeans yesterday. I hope that it does not stain. I don't know what to day now. its so weird, I know that the brain never stops working, but if you try to identify your thoughts sometimes you draw a blank. its like you caught your mind off-guard. like when your boyfriend asks you what you're thinking about, and its really only what you had for lunch that day, but he is expecting something more romantic than that because he thinks he is being romantic and sincere by asking the question. so maybe when you have to say immediately what you are thinking at that moment and you don't have an answer, maybe your subconscious is just embarrassed because it was just thinking about something insignificant. ok, that whole little tangent probably made no sense to anybody except myself. oh well. I am tired of typing. my hands are out of shape. how sad. my whole body is out of shape. I hate living on the third floor of my apartment complex. the stairs are killing me. I didn't realize how out of shape I was until I had to move in and carry all my stuff up a million flights of stairs. my chair is too low and I can't figure out how to make it go up higher because there aren't any knobs or levers. its hurting my wrists. well, my right wrist to be specific. I hate it when people have something they want to say and they just don't know how to be direct about it. 'beating around the bush' that is so annoying. just get the words out. mmmm. I am so hungry. I want a burrito. or some queso. or both at the same time. I love mexican food. its good stuff. I would like a margarita too. that would be nice. I hope that I can transfer into the college of communications. that would be awesome. I hope that I succeed in advertising. I think that I would do a good job, but there are so many good and creative people at UT, all wanting to do the same thing as me. I hope that I have a fighting chance. I know that I have the work ethic to do well, but as far as creativity, I am uncertain if I measure up to the industry standard. wow, the time is up. that went by fast.

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15

i wonder if kyle will call. he lies all the time kyle listening to music reminds me about kyle, about our relationship about how good it was, he used to be so sweet, kissing me and i know that he really did love me at one time, why has everything changed, why does he still tell me he loves me but acts mean to me, i hate that he tells me i shoudldnt go out and party and have fun because he does it too, he gets involved with others while i just window shop at guys, im just not attracted to some of the gusy here, they are morons, they have money stuck on their minds along with sex. i don't feel pretty enough for some of the nice guys that i do meet, i have gained sooo much weight in the last two years, fat. i feel so fat, i can't wear anything anymore because it looks so terrible, i used to feel pretty and normal back home where i everyone seemed to love me, I've been so homesick, i miss my granny and janie and kyles family. i worry about tara back home, if shes making the right decisions if she really will go to college, i at least want her to go to kc i don't want her to end up like everyone else in kilgore, they end up working at some department store making minimum wage and haveing five babies and getting on food stamps. shes better than that. i love her and want her to not end up my mom. i hate my mother. she has to be the worst person ever to just leave me behind, to leave me like i don't matter, to not come to my graduation, to not try to see me to leave me for a man that she doesnt love. she was so wrong to my dad. i wish she would go to prison and i hate her so much. i can't be like her i can't end up like her. i will never hurt my children when im a mom. i will be a good mother. a mom who plays tea party and who devotes her life to them. they will be my world. i wonder if ill marry kyle, i wonder if he will be the father of my children. i hate not knowing how he feels. he pisses me off. he says he loves me and at time i really think he does but then he treats me like shit too. i wish i could say no to him but it always seems so impossible. i love him. everything reminds me of him. every conversation i have involves his name everything i hear or see reminds me of the good times we had. we were in love. a guy just doesnt do the stupid things he does. but then why did he have to reverse all that. why did he date that trish when he left to go to college, we were together and he dated her and i really don't trust him. hes nothing but a big mystery to me. what is it about him, what is missing that i don't know about. i feel like hes hiding something really really bad from me. he used to scare me when he said hes involved in the mafia. i believe him some of the time. its weird how everything he says is right. hes so weird. kyle is reallly really weird. i want to go see him. i want him to take me to a football game. i wonder why he liked me. i was five years younger than him. a baby compared to him. he never had a girlfriend until me. not a serious one anyway, just girls that he played and used. what made him fall in love with me. what makes him have control over me. i let him. everythihng he does is my fault becuase i let him do it. i let hime make me feel bad but i don't know how to get away from that. i feel like hes the only person in this world that knows everything about me. everything and hes the only one that understands everything i do and have been through. i miss him. i hate him too. i really want to cry this music im listening to is so damn depressing. bryan adams. romantic music. this reminds me of back home. i miss kilgore, i hated it when i left and now i miss it. its small but a good town. im ready to go to homecoming. i wonder if ill have any attention. i used to remember the college kids coming hnome for the first time and how cool it was. i wonder if people will be happy to see me. i wonder if they will think i look different. freshman fifteen surely not in a month. its alcohol. i think i drink too much. i miss riding by myslef with a case on the backroads back in kilgore. those were the days.

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3

The on e thing in my mind right now is obviously college. I didn't really have to study to get past high school, but I foresee a lot of changes in my schedule, just 20 min ago I did ALL my math homework for the first time in maybe a year. If studying was my chief concern than I would be perfectly satisfied. Unfortunately that is not my only concern. I am originally from Houston, so as much as I hate to admit it I miss my home, and even my parents. there are so many things about home that I miss, thing that I nerve thought would matter, things like going to the bathroom. Well I miss the past, and I am worried sick about the future. How will I do in my first test? How will I register for spring classes? Will I have enough hours to graduate with a BS degree in biology? Will I get into Medical school? If I don't get into Medical school, then what will I do? Obviously time is the only thing that will answer these questions. but you can not help but worry about them. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a doctor. Well not from the beginning, I have wanted to be a doctor ever since I was 11. That is when I had a brain surgery. After that I wanted to use the life that was saved by another as a tool to save other people. There have been a lot of changes that have occurred in me but one thing that has stayed consistent within me is my passion to help others. The one thing that made me feel occurred when I was 5. My grandfather and I were walking down a street when we ran into a beggar. my grandfather had just bought me my favorite kind of ice cream. When my grandfather took the ice cream from me and gave it to the beggar. at that time I hated I'm for it. . but when I went to sleep that night all I could see was the gleam in the eyes of that beggar. it was at that time that tears starting coming out of my eyes. I felt proud that I had participated in something so beautiful. Being a doctor to me is the best to repay god, and my family, and those doctors that saved my life. The one thing that I am afraid of is the one thing most people are afraid of. failure. Fear of failure has always driven me forward, it is my opinion that fear of failure is the one thing that keeps this world going. everybody has a goal in their life and the fear of failure makes them work as hard as possible. hopefully one day I will walk out of a doctor as a doctor, who just helped saved someone life. . that would be a dream come true.

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so there you go. my one feeling. tired. I think ill get to know that a little more as the semester goes on. and now I'm beginning to feel another emotion. that of annoyance. my roommate is talking to me about a bunch of crap while I'm trying to do this thing. I've got a dull sort of sensation in my head. I guess I've been working to hard. or maybe that could be from that lack of sleep. but then why do I want to dwell on this the whole time. can I not think of anything better to say?. that brings me to my biggest character flaw. not knowing what to say. and why the hell do I want to bring this up. I don't know. my mind wanders again as he talks somemore. I'm also beginning to feel a little overwhelmed with the college work load. I don't really think it is that much stuff. it's just that I have one class I don't like at all. that being good old rhet/comp. and how can I hate a class like that so much. I hate writing and reading. simply put. I have a strong sensation to end right here with this writing. but then that just wouldn't be right. and then I think I might be able to get something out of this. I kind of feel like I'm doing this incorrectly. seems more like a diary to me. and now the people outside the dorm room are making noise. do they ever have any freaking homework to do. at least I havent heard the bass being played way to damn loud today. the sob was playing the stuff at 2 in the moring. not that it woke me up. but I got to hear my roommate bitch about it. I kind of feel proud of myself somewhat today. I had somewhat of a social interaction with a girl. something that hasnt happened in a while. if ever. yeah. sad state of affairs for me. that brings me back to think of why I havent gone anywhere in my life with the opposite sex. I guess if I just got to being a little more social. yeah. I could fix that problem. well. at least that was a start today. now if I could just keep stuff like that up and not be so much of an introvert. I might just turn out ok. now I'm low in the well of ideas. what else to type about. am I even doing what the assignment was asking of. I remember going to the therapist while I was in middle school. she said I had to express myself. and not be afraid to feel my emotions. yada yada. I know I have emotions to feel. I guess I'm just too damn shy to show them sometime. and now I hear female voices outside. I'm kind of glad I hear them. takes my mind away from doing this. and lets me concentrate on them. I don't know why I like trying to figure out what the hell they are saying. I guess I like seeing how other people interact with one another. speaking of that. me and my roommate. we interact. just don't talk too much. we need to get the hell out of this room a little more often and meet different people. I can't force him to do anything . but I know I can maybe get myself out to do some stuff. I'm kind of pissed at the people from school that came to UT. it's almost as if they fucking ignore me. but then thats ok. I know some might be doing that just because I am with my roommate. they don't really like him much at all. I just got a little laugh hearing my roommate having computer problems. I'm really having a bad time when I have to talk about something like that. well. I'm kind of proud of myself. I was able to spend 16 minutes so far talking about almost absolutely nothing. one last thing to talk/bitch about. I like the food here at dobie. yeah. nice to know. but the fucking lines are a bitch. 2 mins remaing. go clock, go. wooh. I used a comman. I better learn to have more patcients (spelling) with the hw assignments. I always find myself watching the clock, seeing how many pages I have left, or anything else that I can use to see what kind of a pace I am on. and once I find out how slow it's going for me. I get discouraged. oh well. the clock on the computer reads 10:50. that would make 20 mins complete. 1/2 way done. lets get this over with

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14

I am currently sitting in the computer lab in the lobby of Jester. I have just finished my final class for the day, so I figured that I would go ahead and get caught up on my homework for my psychology class. I have never taken any kind of psychology class, so I don't really know what to expect. Hopefully it won't be a hard class because some of my other ones are pretty hard, and I wasn't use to doing a lot of work and studying in high school. I liked high school a lot, and kind of wish that I was still in it. I sort of miss all of my friends and it just isn't the same to party without all of them. I went home for the Labor Day holidays and partied with them, but now that I'm back in Austin everything has changed back again. I haven't really met many people since I've been here, but I can say that there are quite a few weird people. Hopefully I will get use to Austin soon because it hasn't really worked out too well just yet. I've already received two speeding tickets, a parking ticket, and had my truck towed once since I moved in two weeks ago. My parents aren't too happy with me right now, so I've got to get good grades to get them off of my back. I keep screwing up on this computer and don't really know what I'm doing. I never have been too good with computers-even though I have taken several classes in high school. I can type rather quickly, but that is about all. My fingers are getting tired of typing because I haven't typed all summer. I guess I need to get use to it since I'm going to be doing a lot of it now that I'm in college. I'm not too happy right now because I have to type this paper in the lobby computer room. I just brought back with me a notebook computer that my mom gave me, but I can't get the CD-ROM to work. The stupid thing won't read the disks for some reason, so I haven't been able to hook up the UT Connect package that I just bought. I think I made a few people mad when I went to purchase that UT Connect package because there was a long line and I sort of cut to the front on accident. I was just trying to ask the person a question about what line to get in, and he thought that I had already been waiting, and that it was my turn. Even though the guy that I cut in front of looked kinda pissed, I wasn't about to turn around and get at the back of the line. Last week I waited in it over an hour and even though I feel kinda bad for that guy, it was worth it. My eyes are getting tired of staring at this screen and I'm for my time to be up. I guess I still have a few minutes until dinner starts so I'll write for a little while longer. I didn't get much sleep last night because I just couldn't fall asleep for some reason. Some friends and I watched the movie The Program, and that lasted until about 2:30, and I still couldn't go to bed after that. I didn't have to wake up until 10:00, but I only had like 5 hours of sleep. Hopefully I can go to bed tonight with no problem. My hands are getting a little sweaty from typing so much, but I really do like to type. I'm not all familiar with the internet and the web, but I would like to be. I'm in an English lab class, so that will probably help me out a lot. I'm sitting next a guy that can type about 400 words a second-at least that's what it sounds like-and it is kind of getting on my nerves.

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7

It's 5:27 and I am beginning this assignment. It's an interesting one. You never really pay attention to how your mind jumps from one thing to another, at least I don't. My roommate just came in. She thinks I am mad at her and I am a little. I'm always waiting on her and it's annoying. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I was about to go to the cafeteria and she wanted me to wait for her . Thirty minutes later we start walking to the cafeteria and she decides she's not hungry. I had waited for nothing. We get along very well, but I don't think she realizes what she does. She keeps interrupting me while I'm writing this and it's timed. She got mad at me just now because I asked her to be quiet. She left the door open and there's someone playing their music pretty loudly. I really don't like the girls next door. We get along with the girls who live a couple of doors down very well. The one's next door just aren't very friendly. My roommate heard one of the girls slamming stuff around and griping because I was playing Ozzy Osborne. One of them is in choir and she's always doing voice exercises. I hope my roommate doesn't start acting like I'm mad at her or vice-versa. She's on the phone. Her guy problems are pretty entertaining. I try to help her out, but I really can't empathize with her. She has a completely different approach and understanding with the opposite sex. Zack is going back to Graham tonight. He's one of my friends from home. I've known him since kindergarten. I've also been infatuated with him since kindergarten. Maybe he'll decide he likes me too. I doubt it though. That's a depressing thought. Oh well. There are plenty of other guys around here. In Graham there were not even close to as many. Population:9,000. Graduating class: 134. That's why I came here. I wanted to be in a place with many other people. I have definitely found that place. A lot of people from Graham thought I was crazy for wanting to come here. I guess different people want different things. it makes sense. One of our friends from down the hall just came in. She's very cool. She's going to let me use her computer to type this, which is sweet of her. It's very beneficial to know people. Everyone has something to offer. Of course, you have to give also. Some are better at that than others. I know I’ve given plenty of cigarettes. Hopefully I've contributed more than just that. I've offered advice, which of course I always thought was good advice. I've tried to be friendly. I've given complements. I've loaned money and shared food. O. K. , I've done my part so far. I think school is going to go well. I just can't let people take advantage of me like I have in the past. I think I can manage the academic part pretty well. The only thing that is difficult so far is Calculus and that was to be expected. I've been doing my best though, and that's all I can do.

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19

this song is really sweet my computer is slow but it's cool it's doing pretty well for me I should start typing next to each other just in case I run out of room. well that's better. hehe. I don't believe Monica did that. actually I'm not sure if I can write that type of stuff on here. it's kind of personal and what if someone reads this. I don't mind if Pennebaker or Matt reads it. but what if it's someone else. never mind about that. start thinking and type what your thinking wenshi. great now I'm talking to myself. that's funny. well. the songs over. what's next. prem is a really sweet guy and I am very lucky to have him. I'm also very lucky to have friends like Amy, phong, thang,julie, janet, sean, and so many more. and especially lucky to have such a mom and dad and three brothers that really care. they take care of me. they do lots for me. wenjen upgraded this computer that I'm using to type. isn't he so nice. what a brother. it's really cold in our room. I feel like I'm talking to someone. and tell them everything about myself. but I don't think that is what stream of consciousness is. I don't know. well I'll just keep typing until time is up. oh yeah. I need to call Janice and ask her if she has an extra cable for our TV in the room. good thing I wrote sentences right next to each other. this assignment would of been really long if I didn't. I know I don't have to worry about spelling and grammar and all but it kind of bothers me. it's not much the grammar and punctuation but spelling and spacing of words. I guess I'm just anal or something. who knows. I think other people like my friends and family know me better than I know myself. geez that shouldn't like that but I think that's how it is. oh well. hmm. what else should I think about. that's weird I'm thinking about what I'm thinking. hehe confusing. I miss my friends from high school that aren't going to UT. I miss my family too. my hometown isn't that far away compared to others but I still miss my friends and family. wow I don't know how others from out of state or even the country do it. it must be hard for them. I'm worried about mommy she's home all by herself. everyone is at a different place. wow. but in October all of us should be together. I can't wait until that day comes. it's going to be so cool. it hasn't been like that for more than a year. my goodness only 13 minutes have passed. I have written a lot in 13 minutes. geez. and 7 more at least. wow. I wish all papers in all my classes would be this easy. I mean it's not easy but easier than other writing assignments. you don't have to worry about spelling, grammar, punctuation, and just about everything else. just need something on paper. what kind of paper is that. I think I'm in paper heaven. hehe. that's like the coolest thing. I wish other teachers would be so generous. what happened to my music. I didn't pick this to be in my file or play list editor to play music continuously. but it's still a good song. I didn't even know it was in the file. that's pretty cool. actually kind of weird. hmm. I wonder how long it's been now. my hands are kind of getting tired and hard and tense from typing all this continuously. it's actually tough to type so much because you are thinking of so much at a time. it would be easier if I could type faster or my thinking would be less. hehe. that's never going to happen. I have been told I think a lot. and my mommy says I have lots of wrinkles under my feet. she says that means you keep everything to yourself. it's true for me. I don't know about others though. I think that's a cool but weird saying or superstition whatever you want to call it. it is funny too. well. what time is it now. let me look real quick. I started when the time said 1:10 and now when I looked it's 1:29. just one minute away from the minimum time. I'll type a little longer so it's not like I stopped right at 20. well the music stopped. you know what I just realized. I did pick all those songs I thought I didn't pick. that's funny. oh well. well. the playlist is out of songs I have to start it again when I'm done typing which should be ok to be now but let me check just in case the minute isn't over. I don't want to cheat and make it 19. 5 minutes. let me see here. it's 1:32. so I've been typing for 22 straight minutes. wow. my right arm is sore. it really hurts. I guess I should stop now. well nice typing for my first writing assignment in psychology. I'll be writing another one soon for the second writing assignment. well see this page later. hehe.

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15

I just ate and am full. I feel a little stressed trying to write in a flow and finding enough things to write for 20 mins. This is probably one of the strangest things I've ever had to do but that's why this class is so interesting I'm so excited to major in it. I'm having a bad morning, because I slept late and now I feel that my whole day is ruined. It's so weird to be doing homework like this, I guess I'm just not used to this. I'm so glad this class is so different. I also love philosophy too. I really feel like sleeping right now, however my scholastic obligations are more important right now. This is such a pivotal moment in my life, as I embark on college life. Right now I'm actually very proud of myself for getting all of my studies taken care of, rather than succumbing to sleep, as every college student would like to do. I feel like my roommate is really impressed with me as I click away at this computer so concentrated and intent on this assignment. I'm having trouble concentrating because the phone keeps ringing, and Riana keeps talking on the phone. I get distracteed very easily, and am not good at concentrating while there are distractions about. Right now I'm getting irritated, because she is always on the phone with her boyfriend and I cannot concentrate. She's always with him, and I can't be with mine because he lives in college station, and I'm sad because were growing apart, and I can't stop it from happening, and I'd really like to. He's so perfect, but I'm beginning to think there's more out there, and that gives me a terrible feeling inside, because I love him so much, and he's my best friend in the world, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, so I may just lay a passive role in the relationship until I can settle things in my mind. I feel so odd confiding in a perfect stranger like this, but then again no one may ever read this. I have so many confusions and distractions here. My friend is getting screwed over by a guy who keeps telling me he's in love with me. I loved this guy as a friend, but I've lost so much respect for him, by the way he's playing games with my friend's head. I got my first speeding ticket yesterday, and surprisingly, the only thing I was upset about was the fact that I have to ruin a Saturday in defensive driving. This assignment wears you out-my fingers are aching. I'm really worried that when I finish this and press submit, it won't submit, because I accidentally pressed it before, and at the bottom of my computer screen it says done. My very first assignment , and I've probably already messed it up. I guess I'll have to explain the problem to the professor, and hope he understands that I've never used the internet before, and I am an idiot for messing up. well I guess I'll end on this paranoid note, because I really want to do well, and make a 4. 0 this semester. No one believes me, but I have high hopes and determination, and I won't let them bring me down. Well I guess I didn't end on such a bad note after all, but if that's what you need to make it, then I guess I'll end up ok after all

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The clock is ticking and I have to wake up at 8 o clock tomorrow. Lots of white space on the wall and on the screen, purple hat on the side, people walking in the stairs red trees falling off the building. It is difficult to speak continuously, perhaps there should be pauses in between words but then there would be no coherency but then there is no fluctuation in tone and all the mechanics of rules and boundaries rendering the sentences more honest than not. Difficult to type without thinking, every once in a while something pops into my head but prolonged thought disrupts the image and I forget what to say, and the thought of forgetting makes me think more about it, disrupting it further and pushing any sense of coherency into the deepest of abysses. Hunger stirs in my stomach, quiet thoughts in my head about simple things, nostalgia, reminiscing all things past, good and bad, because there can be no good without the bad, the contrast makes all the difference. Peter Parker was an extraoridinary young man as a result of his radioactive bite, I fail to have any of his special abilities, lacking in the radioactive bites. Does this make me less extraoridinary? Or perhaps I am something of a special person, considering all the different things that happen. Comic book heroes have nothing to do but save and do superpowers and shoot bad guys but in the realm of the real world i am an exemplary everyman with no superpowers making me different than Peter Parker. My computer is overloaded or maybe my mind is going crazy, but this has been an inordinate amount of time. 7 minutes into the assignment, it is difficult to type without stopping the train of thought im currently in. All I can think about at the moment is how different this assignment is compared to anything i have ever done for any class. Flowing and ebbing out of my mind like a loose river flooding the dam, breaking the barrier and drowning out rationality. Confusion and mayhem and all things in my head in disarray, unquestionably noisy because of my roommate, undeniably hot because of centralized air conditioning. Tired of typing, concerned about the method of writing , and if my stream of consciousncess is anything like the professor expects. Should words be spelled correctly? MAybe I should stop correcting typos and keep typing the letters on the keyboard. People are talking to me but i have managed to tune them out, a song is playing somewhere in the distance, or maybe it is right next to me. at this point it makes no difference. i am confused still, a bit baffled, left in stupor. finding the words to describe anything is tough. i visited home over the weekend and realized i didn't miss it too much. i appreciate my family and love them but the thought of a monthly visit home makes me cringe slightly. the blue cable running from my laptop to the resnet connection is coiled up tight yet loose, symbolic of my thoughts. it looks like its organized, but upon closer inspection there is nothing but chaos. few sockets not plugged in, one surge protector shared with my friend. i don't know what else to say. I have some worries about my future, whether or not I chose the right college, and especially whether or not I will have the courage to switch majors if i realize i am in the wrong one. the finish button stares me in the face, tempting me to hit it before the timer hits 20 minutes. 6 to go, I find that I don't really have a stream of consciousness, instead I have very few thoughts, or perhaps they are buried underneath the noise and nonsense i find myself having to sift through right now. occasionally pausing, because the only word i can think of would be a jumble of letters ars opposed to words that make sense. if everyone is having trouble writing this then im okay, but if i ask my friend tomorrow how she handled this and she says it was fun i will be in trouble. this is incredibly hard. am i tracking my feelings or am i tracking observations? what is the difference? philosophy in a 20 minutes stream of consciousness, unabashed, the sentences stopped making sense long ago. 4 minutes give or take. pennebaker is a professor of psychology, enrolled in psy301 i do not know what i should do with 3 minutes of typing. i type faster than i talk. i talk and often my thoughts move faster than my mouth, so that the sounds coming out of my mouth are made up portmanteau words, assemblages like fooding, eated, noteady, meaningless in the end. personally i think that soft drinks taste good, but i can feel them eroding my teeth with intensified sugar collecting around the teeth. science or engineering? i prefer to do the maths because my memory is not so good. business or engineering? i am indecisive, hunger in the belly, thirsty all over. shower and swim, run and jog. nothing to study but people seem to be studying frequently. calculus is different than algebra. too many courses in this college. they should combine them all into one super course.

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9

I feel good about hanging out with different people throughout the day. I find that it gets so monotonous when I see the same person day in and day out. I don't like feeling trapped in a relationship, so I guess I am very wary of commitment, although I wouldn't mind starting a relationship with someone. I miss the physical contact of a relationship. Maybe I haven't been getting enough hugs lately. I haven't had one for about a week now. It does make a difference. You have to fend for yourself here at UT. No one is going to be your babysitter, and sometimes that's hard for me to accept. I have to take care of my own health, academic career, make my own friends and spend time with them, and also join organizations that I deem worthwhile. It seems like a lot of responsibility, but I am gradually learning how to handle it. I have never realized before how incredibly independent I am. I am in fact, lonely a lot more than I thought I was. At home I didn't feel it as much because I lived with four other people. But now, I notice that I get timid when I am alone. I didn't have a roommate for 2 weeks, and I thought I would like it because I would get privacy and free reign over the room. But I didn't realize how anxious being alone made me. I started eating a lot to fill the void. I never could figure out why I binged so much before, especially during high school. But now I think that I felt alone, and I was ashamed to ask someone to be my company. So I would eat to fill the lonely space and cover the shame. That's weird how I wanted to be even more alone when I felt isolated. Now I want to get involved with people as much as possible since I have recognized the problem. Liz and I will try to hang out more now, at least once a week. I want to have my meals with at least one other person. It sucks to be alone, but at least I know that now. I have ten minutes to write. Working out sure refreshes you and makes you feel more alive, but it sure does make you tired. It's also my blood sugarit's a tad low now and I will be eating something for lunch soon. I don't want to eat alone! Maybe Brooke will eat w/me. I wonder what Jason's up to now. He had an 8:00 class this morningI think? We spent some time with each other this weekend, which was a lot of fun. I like being around him because he is so patient and has some good things to say. He's also very open about himself, which is a new thing for me. I don't know if I would want to start something with him. It would be a fun thing and add some "extra" to the relationship, but sometimes it makes things weird and I would not want to lose his friendship. I will just keep on doing my thing, and improving myself and if it happens, it happens. I just want to be able to spend some time with him! I know I will though. There is that Navigator lake house bash this weekend that he told me about, and I think I should go. I don't want to know what I look like in my bathing suit right now. hard workouts this week should help. Will I feel pressured a lot about GodI just don't know if I'm on the right track. I read that the best way to get closer to God is to Spend time with Him. I so don't do that. I think about God about once or twice a day. I've also heard that the good things we do are reflections of God working in us, or something. I try to remember to do those little things: hold the door for people, smile, encourage people, be honest, but also don't try to be fake friendly, because it's not in anyone's good interest. I just want to be me. God I know that you know the best way for me, don't let me be so selfabsorbed. If I just let go a little, I can go a long way with YOU. But my gosh it's hard to let go. Let me see the ways I can let go. I'm going to go get something to eat for lunch.

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7

WELL, I FINALLY GOT TO MY WRITING FOR PSY. I HAVE BEEN AT HOME DURING THE LABOR DAY WEEKEND. I MISSED MY FAMILY SO MUCH ESPECIALLY MY DOG MENO. I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE. I ACTUALLY WANT TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW. I HAVE TODAY OFF. MY CLASS IS NOT UNTIL 3:30 PM AND THE CLASS IS BIO 212. MY BIO 212 PROFESSOR IS PRETTY FUNNY EVENTHOUGH I ONLY UNDERSTAND HIM HALF OF THE TIME. THE FUNNY THING IS HE LECTURES BETTER THAN MY BIO 211 PROFESSOR. MY BIO 211 PROFESSOR REALLY CANNOT LECTURE AT ALL. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH. I REALLY DO NEED TO UNDERSTAND HIM OR ELSE MY EXAMS WILL BE EXTREMELY HORRIBLE. I HAVE A HUGE HEADACHE RIGHT NOW. I'M WATCHING SOAPS RIGHT NOW. I'M WAITING TO WATCH ALL MY CHILDREN. RIGHT NOW I'M WATCHING PORT CHARLES WHICH BROKE OFF OF GENERAL HOSPITAL. RIGHT NOW ALISON IS LOCKED IN JAIL. EVERYONE THINKS SHE KILLED HER BEST FRIEND FATHER BUT IN REALITY SHE REALLY DIDN'T. ALISON IS A PERSON THAT IS SWEET AND INNOCENT AND CAN NEVER KILL ANYONE. THE PERSON THAT REALLY KILLED OR HURT ALISON'S BEST FRIEND LIVIE IS A WOMAN THAT DIED 300 YEARS AGO. SHE HAS BLACK MAGIC. SHE CAME OUT OF THE PICTURE. IT IS REALLY FUNNY. KNOW WONDER THIS SHOW WAS CUT OFF OF ABC. IT'S ABOUT MAGIC AND VAMPIRES. WOW I CAN'T BELIEVER I HAVE ONLY BEEN WRITING FOR 9 MINUTES. 20 MINUTES FEEL SO FAR AWAY. I JUST SIGNED UP FOR THE PRESCREENING SURVEY. I WONDER HOW THAT WORKS. YOU KNOW I HAVEN'T GONE SHOPPING IN A LONG TIME. I MISS IT. THE MALL DOWN HERE REALLY SMELLS AND IS PRETTY OLD BUT THEY HAVE ALL THE STORES I LIKE. LIKE BEBE, BEBE SPORT, WHITE HOUSE AND BLACK MARKET, NORDSTROM. I MISS MY GALLERIA IN DALLAS. I USUALLY GO SHOPPING ONCE A WEEK BUT NOW IT HAS BEEN A MONTH SINCE I HAVE GONE. I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BROTHER IS STILL SLEEPING IT IS LIKE ALMOST 12 IN THE AFTERNOON. SPEAKING OF MY BROTHER. HE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND AND MYSELF OF COURSE WAS SPEAKING ABOUT OUR FUTURE CAREER LAST NIGHT. I REALLY DON'T KNOW IF PHARMACY IS REALLY THE WAY I WANT TO GO. I LIKE IT JUST BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL THAT LONG AND IT MAKES GOOD MONEY, BUT I DON'T KOW IF I REALLY AM GOING TO ENJOY IT. I WISH I COULD FIND SOMETHING IN UT THAT WOULD POP OUT AT ME. I WANT A CAREER THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY AND MAKE GOOD MONEY. I WISH I HAD A DREAM THAT WOULD TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT I WOULD DO IN THE FUTURE. I WISH GOD WOULD COME INTO MY DREAM AND TELL ME THAT THIS IS THE PATH YOU ARE TAKING TO THE FUTURE. WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE TO KNOW. I REALLY WANT TO FIND THE RIGHT PATH TO MY FUTURE. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE HALF OF MY LIFE ON SOMETHING I WILL HATE IN THE FUTURE. HOPEFULLY SOMETHING WILL TRIGGER ME SOON. I AM STILL WATCHING SOAPS IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES ALL MY CHILDREN WILL BE ON. WOW I ONLY HAVE ONE MINUTE LEFT TO WRITE. I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD SO MUCH TO SAY. IT REALLY MAKES ME FEEL BETTER JUST TO SAY EVERYTHING ON MY MIND.

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9

I just got back from Houston and all I can think about is getting ready for this week's classes. I had a good time witj my girlfriend and got to spend quality time with my parents. I hope I can get tickets to the Bob Dylan concert next week. I need to study a lot this week so I can keep on top of my classes and not get behind in anything. Thursday night I hope I go to Bob Popular's again. I'ts fun not having Friday classes so I can go out on Thursday nights . I love college: I feel so free; free as a bird: to come and go as I please. I'm doing pretty well in my classes thus far and hope to continue on. UT football dominated Stanford. They didn't have a chance. However my favorite college football team is PennState. They whipped Arizona last week and killed Akron this week -70-24. Now they have their eyes set on Miami in two weeks : and I plan to go on-line and bet about $20 on that game: in psu's favor of course. Hopefully they will win the national championship. I also hope that UT does well because they are my second favorite team. I really need my 4. 0 Gpa this term so I can get into the business school. I don't know what I will do if I don't get in. I am really interested in studying business and hope to own my own business someday. God I miss my girlfriend: I've only been away from her for like ten hours now but I already realize that I miss her so much. We've been going strong now for like a year and a half, and I love her so much. She's still a senior in high school and I hope that next year she will come to UT. She makes good enough grades so I think she can get in. Sometimes I miss my parents but I'm having a good time thus far. I I have made so many friends. Ut is going to kill Rutgers this weekend : but too bad it is in New Jersey. I want to watch them play live since I missed their game last week cause I was back home in Houston. however I did watch them on T. V . So here I sit on this computer at 11:25 typing and typing staring off into space. I wish I knew what would happen in my future, I wish I knew. Who knows : its all in God's hands now. He is the one who will watch over me and guide me on the right path. I am taking creatine while I work out. Since I started taking it I've gained 10 pounds of muscle. It might be bad for me in the long run but for right now its worth it

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14

i think that the only reason college is as hard as everyone says it is is because they do not want to look dumb in front of other people. I came here thinking that I was in for it but all my classes seem not too difficult with a little bit of reading and work, but then again when people ask me how it is I can pretty much, no clearly see myself saying it is really hard you are in for it. I hate how, no I like the fact that my brother knows a million people no really by a million I mean a million but a cannot stand the fact that when I meet them for some reason after I am introduced by my name and then a relation of his people do this kind of weird double take and say oh YOU are his sister as if they have or had heard many of incidents and or events involving me it makes me a little uncomfortable more so with the males than the females though sometimes I think that the whole world does in fact revolve around the way people look (although when asked the whole world denies it) as if they do not judge or insinuate on the appearance of others I wonder what people think of me I have been told many of times that I fit the idealistic look of that of a rich snob, almost brat like appearance which is then reversed though my personality I would have never thought people would think of stuff like that about me I am highly, no I would say extremely satisfied with myself appearance, social class, and moralistic views though in the least conceited manner possible I do not understand sometimes the way males think though especially after a few or more drinks I cannot wait until I can buy my elephant a real live circus if you will in my own back yard I am starting to think though that I might have to settle for an elephant shaped pool instead I have never really believed in love at first sight or that someone was "made" or "meant to be" for you you just find someone you can make it work with otherwise why do so many people get divorced and remarried multiple times before or ever finding the right person it irritates me that people think that you are interested in them in a relationship type of manner when you simply look at them, I look at everybody if the door opens I turn around and see who walked in I highly dislike immature people and seem not to understand why certain people are the way that they are I mean I know experiences and relationships have shaped their past but I have many faults in my past and have dealt with or lived with the one person I actually can say I hate I am the least bit negative though and am equally open to everyone that is introduced to my knowledge I like being open minded it enables people as well as myself to look at views and people in an entirely almost inhuman perspective I recently also noticed that nothing really stresses me out or makes me scared or nervous I never stress out why bother stressing about it which also wastes valuable time when the time can be using in a calm cool manner completing the task I just as similarly cannot think of anything that makes me nervous or scared I do not have a problem talking to extremely large audiences nor am I afraid of death I do not understand why people pass out bibles on campus either although I am not christian I went to a catholic school which helped me learn to respect other religions as well as traditions and practices so I cannot throw the bible away and I do not want to leave it anywhere because it is the word of someone else's supreme being

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17

here I am typing this thing for my psychology class. I am typing it for 2. 5 percent of my grade. this isn't too bad, it could be worse. twenty minutes isn't that bad. however, I’d rather be playing chess. I don't want to think about school. I just got out of summer school. I took cs310 computer organization and programming and m427k differential equations . that was a rough summer. I almost reconsidered my degree, but I've come to far now, so I guess I’ll finish. maybe I’ll do a coop this summer , or take ee316 or both, that wouldn’t be so bad, I need the money and the credit. who knows. I just want to take a break. at least I’m taking interesting classes. all of them are alright. I just got done with my cs307 homework. I’m glad I switched to Novak's class, and got out of Richard’s class. all of the students that are taking Richards are really hurting now. I talked to one of his students, she hates that class. I think Novak's class is alright. oh well. this isn't that bad at all. I need to get a job though . my loan is going to run out on me pretty soon. it's nice to not have to work though. I like waking up late on the weekends and not have to get ready for work at 4 o'clock. that sucked. no more restaurants for me. no sirree. I hate working in the food industry now. that really really sucked. I like the people there. I’m going to miss them. I had a lot of fun, going out, partying, meeting new people. I can't stand the restaurant business anymore anyway. just as soon as you meet people the quit or get fired , move or whatever. and the management sucks. I want to get a more laid back job where all I have to do is be there because the business needs someone there, just to be there. I think ill be a proctor next semester for cs307, I don't know what I’ll do this semester, maybe I’ll ask my mom for money. she said she would give me money now that I’m at UT. oh well . I just want to play chess. I almost got my rank up to 1200, I think I can do it if I pick on the 900 and 1000 crowd. that would be nice. I've almost got another name up to 1200 and 40+ games. that win I had at the tournament was sweet . my time for writing this assignment is almost up . hah hah. this is easy points. I just hope I do well on the tests . I better start reviewing this stuff. I've got the chapter read and 2 hours of experiments done. I just need to review a little bit tonight . I need to do the vocabulary. I need to do my vocabulary for cs307 too. and review matrix multiplication for m427l. I have to wake up at 6 am . that sucks. but my classes will be over pretty soon. that will be nice. I get out at about 2 o'clock on those days, which is nice, I can take a nap and then study or something, waste time, and then study, or whatever. I just have free time. for now. later it should get harder. I hate thinking about school. I want to play chess or go read a book or go out or something fun. its 5 o'clock . just a few more minutes of this and I’ll be done. jeez this seems like a long time to right now that I think about it . my hands are getting tired . I wish I couldn't type very well right now. oh well . I’m going to get carpal tunnel from this. maybe not. I don't know. who cares. I think I’ll just finish this thing of with a bunch of . what do you call them. phrases that people. oh yeah. wait a minute, I forgot again. what is it. hmmmmm. oh yeah. cliches, that's it . I can just finish this thing off with a bunch of cliches. waste time. but I forgot any cliches . so I guess I can't finish this off with cliches. but I wish I knew a bunch of cliches to finish this last few minutes off with . that s ok though it's not so bad . I can just let my mind wander like it always does. the count , Bela Lugosi's dead. bela lugosi's dead. Bela Lugosi's dead. undead. undead. undead. undead. undead. undead. I’m listening to Bauhaus right now. one of my favorite bands. maybe . I like them at least. I want to get the Fields of Nephilim album. I think they only have one album out. they were pretty good though. almost as good as Bauhaus, or maybe Bauhaus was almost as good as them. it's hard to tell. I like them both a lot. I just need to get the money to buy the album. I hate not being able to get more music. I m addicted to music. I am suffering from CD withdrawal. ah ! it sucks! oh well just one more minute . one more minute of typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typging typing typing typing and I’m done. bye.

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4

I think I have one of the shortest attention spans. For some reason I can't concentrate on one thing for more than fifteen minutes. I was never diagnosed as A. D. D. though. I don't think I'm A. D. D. I just think I don't put forth the effort to concentrate. I was trying to read for English, but I couldn't keep my mind on it for anything. Every time I sat down to read I go sleepy. I try to stay focused, but it's hard. I wonder why my concentration is so limited. I think it all depends on what I'm interested in . I can read things relating to the human anatomy all day, but I have trouble focusing on things dealing with English or history. My mind often starts wondering. I've really had to adjust these first few weeks. Not only did I have to adjust academically, but socially. Even though I have a group of best friends, I still miss my friends back home. My mom, sister, and I are best fri3nds, and it's is pretty hard because I can't just pick up the phone and call them. It took a couple of day for me to realize this. I also have a boyfriend back home. This has also been hard. It's been hard for both of us. We were in the habit of talking everyday, and seeing each other quite often, now he's three hours away. I think he's taking it a little harder than I am. I'm keeping busy so I'm not constantly thinking about him. There's so much going on here. Between keeping on top of all of my classes, and hanging out, there's no more time left in the day. We've been having so much fun. The other five girls I hang out with are great. We all bonded so quickly. They really help to keep me focused on what I need to do. Of coarse with a group this big personalities flare, and we have disagreements, but surprisingly instead of holding grudges we talk it out. Females are stereotyped as being gossipy, and shady. Yes we do gossip, but if we say something behind someone's back, you can guarantee it's already been said to their face. So far everything's been going pretty smoothly. I hope this bond that is present now remains present for the next four years. It's difficult to say if it will because we can't predict the future, and people change. When we're just sitting around we talk about our future as friends. I've already asked them to be bridesmaids at my wedding. Who knows when that will be. I don't plan for it to be any time soon, but I do hope our friendship will at least last that long. Friendship is a very important thing to me. It gives a sense of warmth, and belonging. It's like we have known each other for years. I hope nothing, but good will come out in due time.

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14

I am feeling a little nervous right now. I just tried to find my class but it was not in the same spot as usual. Normally I wouldn't really care, but today this class was my excuse for not being somewhere else. I walked around for thirty minutes to three different buildings trying to find the whereabouts of this class. I never found it. Hopefully the fact that I was not in class will go unnoticed. I had a very busy day, and every little thing I do every day I have to think about twice. I can not react on impulse here in college, because if I do I could get into trouble with people I would rather not be in trouble with. If I do get in trouble it is not that big of a deal. I got my OU wristband today. I had to get up very early in order to do this. I was tired out from last night as well. I have to get up early again on Thursday in order to get my actual ticket. The OU tickets are thirty five dollars. This is pretty expensive. From what I hear it is worth it though. A lot of people have told me that this is the best weekend of the entire year. We're going to take buses to Dallas and probably stay the night at some of my new friends houses. It sounds like a blast. One of my friends from high school moved to Dallas to go to SMU for college. It will be good to see him. One of my other friends went to West Point for college. I respect the guy with all my heart. I don't know how he does what he does. I got to see on Labor Day for the first time in like three months. That was really nice. He does not think that West Point is that great, but he is the only one of my friends with enough self control to live through all that stuff. The beginning of college has been fun so far. I've had some great times, and some nerve racking ones. I enjoy living on my own. I live with three other guys from Corpus Christi. They are all really cool. I enjoy private times sometimes too. It is kind of neat when they all go to their fraternity deals, and I get the whole place to myself. It's a lot more quiet, and that is really nice sometimes. They spend pretty much every hour of every day with each other. It would be fun but every one needs a little privacy sometimes. I just got my internet connected today, so this is a nice new feature. Well it has been about twenty five minutes now so I am going to check spelling and submit my work.

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25

I am so tired. This headache is really getting to me. I wonder if I can make it through the classes today. Why is my foot numb. Sleeping on the floor last night really hurt. I wish the little boy did not cry so much. I hope I will have enough money to go to Brazil for Christmas. I really miss him. It is so hard that his parents don't like me. I know they don't, even if he says they do. Wow my headache is going away. I think I am hungry. I won't eat until 11:30, that way I can make it through my classes. I am dreading the first one. Social work is so boring. Why did I get myself in it. Man my stomach cannot wait to eat. ouch. I need to clean my sheets. I need to read first though. I wish I had a more comfortable chair in here. I need to save my money. I hope I have enough to last the year. This sucks struggling to have enough money. I should not cross my legs it is bad for the blood flow. I need to stand up straight too. Slouching is not going to help what I already did from sleeping on a floor with no pillow. Man I have so much to read. All I want to do is sleep. I cannot sleep though I have to read, run, work, go home this weekend. I am dreading that. All I want to do is sleep and I have to get up so early just to go to church. I wish Granny would just let me sleep in once. At least they do not sing in the Mass. I keep messing up in my writing. ahhh! This is driving me crazy. I need to correct all my mistakes too. I hate mistakes. I hate messes. I hate the fact that this computer is a piece if junk and I cannot afford to buy a better one. I am lucky in life though. I admit that. I should be happy with what I have. There is not use telling myself this, it only makes it worse. It just makes me think of everything that is wrong. I wish I could disappear for a little bit. I wish I could go back to Brazil right now to be with Rica. He makes me so happy. He makes me realize how great I am. He shows me how much he cares. I am so happy he is my boyfriend. I just wish he did not have to go back. What do his parents expect. I cannot speak Portuguese. How was I supposed to talk to them. They cannot know what kind of person I am. I tried to stay out of the way. I did not know what to do. I think they are not telling him the whole truth. Of course they would not tell him that they do not like me. Plus he is moving here later for me and he is their baby. They would have to deal with Carlos again. There I go crossing my legs. This room is freezing. I only like it like that at night. I wish I did not worry so much. It makes my head hurt. I wish I did not have to worry for just one day. Everything is going wrong this year. I do not want to call Dad. He will just talk about bills and the divorce. He will sigh 500 times. He will make excuses then talk about work and ask why I never see him. I hope he does not talk about when he went to church for the first time in 25 years. I do not even like that church. They only make fun of my religion. I need to learn to be more nice about it. I just don't what that weird place converting my Kylie. I worry about her. I worry about Kalan. What is going to happen to them. Quit crossing your legs. I wish my nails were long. They are so thin. I need to go to the store for food. I need to save my money. I can deal with the food the dorm gives me. I will just drink water in my room. My car stinks inside. I hate when I get out and I smell like smoke. I should check the oil. I will do that today after I run. I cannot believe I went from 12:50 to 19:40. I was doing so well running before. I did not change anything. I hurts now to run. I cannot breathe. I do not want to go to the doctor. I just need to get used to the air. Although I have been back home for a month now and the air was not much different in Brazil. I hope the shot of pain that goes through my heart goes away. I just imagine an artery clog. I am so young and I eat healthy. I bet it is stress, or I am not breathing correctly. This itch on my nose needs to go away. Quit crossing your legs. Type faster so I can keep up with my mind. This is kind of hard because I think of what I type. There goes my nose again. At least I stopped crossing my legs. Yay, I am almost done. I am hungry too, but I have to wait 12 more minutes. I should have had something little this morning. I hope I don't get fat. I am already fat as it is. I need to get rid of this stuff. It is so hard. IT will not go away. It is just that one area. I will get surgery when I am rich. h ahah that is a good way of looking at it. Like it will ever happen. I do not even know what I want to do with my life. Why do I worry about all this stuff constantly?

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Right now I am not stressed and I feel very comfortable. However, I feel like I should be thinking of ways of obtaining a scholarship so I can help my parents out. I guess you can say that I feel kind of guilty. I mean putting two kids through college is no joke. I guess I have been pretty preoccupied with that during my entire stay at UTAustin. Overall I like the campus. Most of the parties and events that I want to attend are off campus, but that does not keep me from having fun. The people are generally nice here. That was really unexpected, because most of the people at my high school usually considered themselves superior to the rest of the people. I wouldn't say that my high school years were the best because it was not. However I think that I could have made it better. However, now that I am in college, I feel that I can start my life all over again. All those mistakes that I made in high school are gone and I can try to learn from them. (Such as waiting until the night before a major exam to study) I think that college will definitely teach me how to balance my time. I am glad that my parents decided not to let me work because I do not know how I could have adjusted. However I know that I will have to work at some time during the school year. Hopefully I will be able to handle it. I am pretty much worried about my classes and what grades I will get in them. So far it has not been so bad. I know that the worst is yet to come. Preparedness is not one of my stronger assets. I tend to be flustered and nervous most of the time. A young woman that I knew from high school told me that the important thing to do in college is not to stress. Hopefully I will live up to that. I can't promise anything. I still feel upset that I did not get any type of scholarship. I felt that I worked hard, but then again there are a lot of intelligent young people on this campus and not all of them obtained scholarships. So in other words, I don't feel as bad as I used to.

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I really enjoy college life, I love being away from my parents but my boyfriend is still in dallas and I miss him so much that it hurts. Sometimes I feel as though I am alone and that this college world is so enormous it feels intimidating. psychology has been an interest for me since I was in middle school because when I was younger there were six guys who came up to me and my brother and asked us for our money and then pproceeded to hit my brother. this experience was very traumatizing to me and after that I went to my school counselor to talk to her about it all she helped me so much that I really got interested in what all the mind does and what one mind can do to another through therapy I went to my medical terminology class today and I was so tired because I stayed up until like 330 last night and now I am very tired and would like to just go to sleep, but I have another class college is completely different from high school I never believed people that said that until I got here ever since I have been here all I think about is my boyfriend and how I wish he was here and my studies I am really getting serious about school and I am excited about my years to come because I love the environment of everyone caring about school and their studies which is completely different than what people thought of in high school I love this environment I am in the computer lab right now doing this assignment I hope I am doing this right even though it says there are no right or wrong answers to this writing assignment this weekend jovan, my boyfriend's uncle is having his wedding party and I am going home for it at 500 I have to meet my brother at his fraternity house to get the car so I can get on the road to dallas I am excited about seeing everyone and everyhting but the drive by myself kinda makes me nervous just as long as I don't have to drive in the dark for a long time I will be okay cause it just kinda scares me when I am driving a long way in the dark by myself I did that survey thing for this class the pretesting last night on my friensd natalies computer and I thought it was pretty funny some of it the spider part actually made me scared even though I have never really had a fear of spiders before not like I was extremely scared of it but itr made me start thingking about spiders for a moment this day has been so busy it feels like anyway but then again I have had worse I wonder if I will really fulfill my dreams of becoming a psychiatrist or what will happen in my future I know that me and jovan are going to get married in probably about 5 or 6 years - I hope anyway he is moving down here next year so we can be together I love him more than anything - everything about him my best friend is in utah right now at byu and I miss her so much I just read her email a few minuites ago and she is having a blast I wont get tosee her until christmas and it will only be for like 2 days because she has to go to california and then she has a football game to go to she is in band there with my friend john I was in band in high school but there was no way I was going to be in band in college because I really didnt like it that much in high school my parents wanted me to stay in it me and my mom have been arguing a lot lately and it has really bothered me but I think and hope things are getting better since italked to her last night this weekend is going to be so busy tomorrow I am going to take jovans car tot he shop to get something done to it while he is at work and then I am going to go help his family get ready for the big day on saturday then saturday we are going to party all day and sunday I need to study all day I have studied all week but I need to review for monday cause I have a quiz in medical terminology over suffixes prefixes and roots my first college quiz!! I'm not really that exciterd but I thought I made add some sort of sarchasm into this little essay that I am writting this is actually really interesting because I have never had an assignment like this and it has almost been twenty mionutes I wish I could type faster I get to see jovan in like 10 hours or somethign he gets off work late he works at a print shop where he does press stuff and he really likes it but is going to go to college soon I think I am done now thanks for listening

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I don't have too much on my mind right now, and if im worrying about anything, it may be about classes. This class in particular is not too troublesome, but this is my first year in college, and im noticing that the style of school is in many ways different. And its not that i don't think i will be able to adapt, but i am a little intimidated. The laid-back style of college allows for a lot of distractions and freedom. So i believe that if i set a pattern now to get everything that i need done, i will be much better off. Not only, are the classes here different, but my whole social life has been turned upside down. I don't know whether i should let go of most of my old acquaintences from high school, and dive right into new friendships. or to hang on to the people who i feel know me the best. I loved my high school years. I loved the people i grew close to, i loved the environment, i loved the things i was involved in. And now, i don't have any of those things to comfort me. I loved theatre, i remember all the plays i was in and all the fun times and great bonds i made with people. Including the director. He was like my second father, someone i could really talk to, but also someone who taught me a lot about myself. And the things he taught me really can't be put into words, but rather they can be applied to my life right now. I feel so much more grown up after growing close to him in 4 years and feel like if he believes in me, there is no reason for me not to. That may be my one biggest flaw. At times i have somewhat low self-esteem. Well, to refine that statement, i doubt myself and my worth at times. Never at a dangerous level, im not anywhere near depressed, but i do tend to put others before myself. I care so much about people in my life, and i expect the same from others. But that isnt the way it is most of the time. I put my heart out there, and often it gets passed over. And on that subject, that is the main reason why i broke things off with my high school boyfriend. There were other contributing factors, but this past summer, i finally put myself before him and realized that i wasnt getting what i wanted out of the 8 month old relationship. I loved him so much, and deep down, i know he loved me, and still does. but he didnt try hard enough. And he says now he realizes that he didnt treat me as good as he should have, and i knew that he would eventually see that, that is why i broke it off--to make it obvious something was wrong. And it took him a long time to see that. We were best friends, and maybe that is why it took me so long to say something. Because i had so much faith in someone so close to me, i was sure i was exaggerating things, being selfish. But after enough people telling you that you deserve better, it really starts to make you think. I would always be the one putting forth the effort, i would always aplologize, i would always go out of my way for him, i would compliment him, etc. And ultimately, he wanted an easy relationship. He didnt want to have to make me feel special, even if he felt it deep down. And now he tells me this. and its very unlike him to see that he was insensitive for so long. He usually doesnt see things like that clearly. But maybe losing a girlfriend and best friend made him see things differently. I miss him though. I was the one who made this decision, i should be strong and not rely on him. But i miss him and talking on the computer to him everyday while he's at A&M lets me see the guy that i fell in love with. . especially because he is so nice to me lately. He claims that he's going to wait around for me, and that we will end up together again someday, but im not as sure as he is. I mean, i would love to be his girlfriend if he could treat me better. but we are so far apart, it seems silly of gaining a title of being a girlfriend, but being just as lonely. I need to be on my own for this new experience i am going through, and not attatched to his arm. I need to see who else is out there, this is college for goodness sake. But no matter who i meet, i will always compare them to him. I never thought of it that way, but he was my first love. Its weird to imagine that i really was in love, i never thought it could happen. But its very obvious that it was love. But for now i have to be strong, and just keep on the way things are. no matter how much i miss him. Because i don't want to get hurt again, not yet, not this far away. Im afraid things will just go back to the way they were, and i'll be 10 times more lonely. And its hard enough to meet friends here, there are so many people- i don't need to make it harder by being cooped up in my room all day talking to my boyfriend miles away. This school is funny like that. There are almost too many people to make friends. Everyone is doing their own thing, and its really easy to get sucked into hanging out with your old high school friends and not make new friends. But thats not what i came here for. I came here to meet new people, new open minded people, and have new experiences. and to redefine who i am as a person and a friend. But that doesnt mean i have to cut old ties alltogether. hmm. i wonder if its been 20 minutes yet. i think so.

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There is this chomping sound coming from my brothers mouth. He's eating cereal. Sometimes I am jealous of this, because he has his own place with a kitchen and food and everything. Even Quinby has his own place with a kitchen and everything. Someday I will have these things for myself. My own life, with my own things. Like in Days of Our Lives. There will be days of my life when I do what I want, with whomever I choose. Until then I must continue doing things their way . Everyone else’s way, like my mom. My nose itches. It is a very natural thing to scratch an itch, or itch a scratch? It is very annoying to itch. When I got sunburned, I itched extremely badly. Sara laughed at me because I was jumping around in discomfort. I never want to feel like that again. Sunburns suck. I miss Sara though. Even though I did not see her much, I always knew she was just down the street. But things are different now. That made it sad for me to leave. The fact that she isn't down the street anymore. That was like a security for me. Just knowing. I am in a hurry to finish this assignment. I have to be in class in about half an hour, and I am nowhere close to where I need to be. Life can make you feel like that. Like you are never at the right point, where you need to be. Everything in never alright. That's and oxy-moron. Things don't work that way. But things do tend to work themselves out. You just have to keep moving to get through the bad stuff. I always want something better. I feel like I am always in transit. It's had for me to be happy with the present. At least I can let go of the past, now. That was an accomplishment for me, not to dwell on memories anymore. Still, I look forward to, and fear the future. I do know things are good now. I am on my own, a little bit. I don't want to rush things. I am in no hurry to grow up. Well, not a big hurry at least. I do want the rest of my life to come. I want to marry Quinby, have a house, and pets. I am going to have a rabbit. Maybe two. Kids eventually, but not for a long while. The television is such a distraction! I can get side tracked forever. I like how it takes me out of this life. It is definitely an escape.

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that fish tank sure is loud as crap I didn't know havoline was a 100 years old corona sucks I am hungry and it is hot in the apartment that bastard didn't come fix my garbage disposal I wasn't to play golf I need contact solution this guy is a douche crap its hot I am hungry as shit I want dry I don't want to do homework tonight and I need a can of dip bad so much for quitting time Warner sucks the stros better win and hopefully barry will die along with the giants I want to play poor tonight I better call trip and fox and peter this piece of shit is turning into a list of things to do and now I am talking to the list I want to go to a game and get drunk tonight that prescreening took for fucking ever I wonder how old frank Thomas is I am only on the 4th minute I wish I still played baseball maybe if I didn't suck at catching I could be should've tried short I need to get that little league thing done and the volunteer shit I fucked my neck up and damnit I am hungry I should be turned on a light my eyes hurt and this laptop is hot laundry son of a bitch I have no quarters well that and homework will be my kick ass thruway night after this is over in 14 minutes. I haven't done anything in the last 3 Thursdays that is pathetic pasta or rice or potatoes. potato pasta and rice take to long to make crap I want to eat 13 minutes no one is at the rangers game that is a tall pitcher he is like 6'6" I need to shampoo the carpet and that ass needs to fix my garbage disposal that guy got the shit knocked out of him like the guy yesterday who got hit in the stomach I cuss a little too much even in my head new vocal might be nice hey the fish light bulb works now I think my weekend will suck now because I have too much stuff to do 10 minutes and that is only half way there I could probably stop here and type shit for the rest but that really wouldn't do me any good I hope I can get a good job with this fucking degree when do the stros play I wonder what the score is I am proud of myself for doing at least somewhat better this semester than I did last semester and fucking pot cost me last fall I want to smoke but I know that it just screws me over pail konerko never used to be a homerun hitter if no one reads this then what the fuck is the point of it I will have to print it out just because I don't not want to have it and it will sit in my spiral until mlynn sees it and reads it because she is nosey and then will give me shit about it and what I am typing now because I am s o mean this is kind of nice to just be able to type and bitch and moan about my day or what I need to do chest was good today I hope I get up to 190 before December I need this and spring break would be fucking awesome ripped up and bigger this time my eye is dry as shit and this contact doesn't work any more the towel under the computer better not fuck it up but that thing was hot nice job rangers too bad you suck and can't get to the playoffs go stros go durfing is for fags or people more skilled than I need to get tickets to Vegas 21 will be trouble all over the place if not the bars then the poker will definitely fuck me over and then I can finally be online legally 4 more minutes and then time to grunt like there is no tomorrow if I waited any longer I might eat myself I need more tuna, that chicken is to expensive ricky wont go back tot he nfl pothead will just piss his life away nice grab buerhle devin screwed hat guy up at baseball 2 and a half minutes and I just need to stall this blows nonetheless I need to go to the store but they don't have grizzlyi wonder where else would have it, 711 does but that mean I have to drive but I am lazy as shit I still have to read and cook and have time for poker and then go to bed early because I have to work out and I can tae the bus to the rec which is horribly undereqiuped but at least it is free I could do cardio there but then go to class smelly and shit, that is a good way to make friends but it doesn't matter because mlynn takes all our time and when we are through I want have any

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I never thought that college would be this overwhelming. I went to three classes today and I went ho9me and cried. How can I keep up with everything? I went through Band Week and I sometimes ask myself is band worth it. When I am tired and sweating and just want to go home, I think of my parents and how they can brag in my little home town and the feelings of walking through the tunnel at the game and see 80,000 plus fans. At home 1,000 was the biggest turn out and that was big enough. I am very nervous about the first game. Where I am from our school marches military and UT marches more corps. I just know that I am going to mess up. I am all excited about school only being thirteen weeks long but fear that one and a half years of high school work equivalency are jam packed into these thirteen weeks. Good news though. I only have two finals. That is marvelous. I have to take a dumb SAT II test Thursday from 7-9pm and that means that I may miss band which I cannot. I don't see why someone who had five years of math in high school ()algebra in 8th which was a high school course offered for GT) has to take a stupid test. If I wasn't good in math I wouldn't have had five years of it and passed nor would I be an engineering major. Who knows. I called the department of mathematics and asked them about it. I tried to get a number so my teacher could call and try to see of something could be worked out and they were extremely rude to me. So I called the measurements and evaluations \center and they told me to call the department of mathematics. My teacher said " welcome to UT" This is a wonderful idea to have a writing assignment of continual thought because I can just vent about the worst first day of class I have ever had in my entire life. I have strong feelings that it will get better because it cannot get worse. I know that the first semester is the hardest but right know I don't care. While I was studying, I was thinking about the kids that went off to college and came back at Christmas and visited about their first semester at school. Everything they said doesn't' pertain to me. Nothing they said pertained to me. I thought about what I would say if I was ever asked to speak about my first semester at college. My Calculus teacher stressed \over and over how we need to take the AP test. He said that we would slack off because we already knew it. For me I need this semester review. I love math and work hard at it. It doesn't come easy to me but I love it and no matter how hard something is if you love it you will work your darndest at it to achieve the highest possible. So I was thinking about if my calculus teacher asked me to come to his class what I would say if someone asked me why I didn't the AP test and if it were a smart decision, ( that was my cat walking across the key board. ) He wants outside because he knows that there are other cats outside and he wants to attack them. He's a 10 week orange tabby cat named Bevo-talk about school spirit. I think that I would answer the AP question as one that it is a personal decision. My boyfriend AP out of 408C and said that was the worst thing he did. Some people are happy they did. Another guy from home AP out of 36 hours and went to M&A and came home because he failed everything but PE. My \philosophy is that I need to start from the beginning in order to get used to things. , So what if I have already gone over this in high school I don't care. Why make things hard on myself with new material my first semester it's not like I'm going to graduate in 4 years anyway. I figured that if I took my basic chemistry and calculus things I know that I could get used to teaching styles college life and testing style. I will have to study and I know this real well, but It won't be all new to me. Well I started at 10:35 and it's 10:55. , I do have one question though, if we participate in more than five hours of experimental stuff for our semester requirement can we get extra credit for that extra hour(s)? That's all folks. Good-bye and Good luck.

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So today has been one of the worst days ever. I found out that I didn't do that great on my biology exam 1. and I aldo didn't do that great on chemistry quiz 1. I have been trying to do this prescreening survey for over two hours now and I am still not done with it. I am hungry too. I haven't had dinner tonight. Well not yet. so the prescreening system is really not working and it is making me mad now. This is crazy. I don't know what to write. Its hard to write for 20 minute. it has only been 3 minute. This is crazy. I wonder how long I will get to use this computer. Oh, I don't know if my class code is right or not, but I think that's what it is. So we will see. I hope This is the right one. Who knows. I have no idea what to write. I don't even know what I am suppose to write. I am really hungry. Why wouldn't this Prescreening Survey thing work? This is very frustrating. I feel like crying now. Oh gosh the thing worked and I want to get it over with but I can't stop writing. I wish I had started writing earlier. I think what I just wrote didn't make any sense. No I am pretty sure it didn't make any sense. I think it doesn't matter. I realized that u think faster then you type. well at least I do. May be because I type slow. But who knows. I think everyone thinks faster then they type. Anyways, so I want to go finish the prescreening survey thing but I can't. So I wonder what Liz is doing this weekend. I have to study this weekend , because I am really behind. I make a lot of typing error. I have to improve my typing. I want to go to JCL and eat. Then again I don't want to go by myself. I wonder if Kristi would come. She probably would. Liz needs to come get her book. I kind of feel obligated, but I don't want to call. It's her book and she should care for it. She should call me. Besides no one ever calls me other than Kristi. Liz is a very nice girl and I want to be good friend with her, but she is always too busy with her high school friends. They are nice too. Why is it only 11 minute. It needs to be 20 minute already. I wonder what Annette wrote for her writing assignment. OK so this is not a great assignment. I mean its very simple. It's very easy, but it is kind of annoying. It's like talking to yourself, only you are writing to yourself. I mean you are writing for the class. Who knows. this is getting old. Actually if you don't think about the time it goes by pretty fast. Ashley was telling me earlier today that she wrote about cookies. Now that's crazy. Well now I am hungry again. This is not great. This is actually kind of annoying. I think I wrote this line twice. I am not sure. Like the way I am not sure about my class code. I know I am right but its kind of hard to agree with it. Ok so I don't make any sense again. See I am telling you , this assignment is kind of crazy. I know he is not going to read this but what if he does? He is going to think I am idiot. Why am I like this? I don't get it. no I am really annoying. I can tell. but oh well. I am who I am. People should deal with it. See now I don't make sense again I don't even know why I thought about those stuff. and wrote it here. I can go back and delete that , but that would be kind of cheating. Except that there is nothing to cheat about. You will be cheating yourself. yay. only two minutes left. No it is true if you don't think about time it goes by really fast. I need to stop chatting on the internet. I can't even write a sentence properly. Internet does no good to you. well at least not to me. Ok I guess this is it then. only 30 sec left. yay. I guess I will need to find more to stuff to write about on the next one. this is crazy. but ik

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Well, first I'm thinking about what to write about because this is probably the weirdest writing assignment I have ever been given. I'd like to write about my boyfriend, whom I'm very in love with, but I really do not think that that would be appropriate for this writing assignment. My roommate just left to go to her pledge party, and I really wish I was hanging out with her rather than doing this assignment about a week and half before it is due, but I guess it is better to do it now than to wait till last minute. Which is what I am going to try to do in all my classes, not wait until last minute to do all the stuff that I have to do! I think that if I can just do that then I will be able to keep with all of my work and get grades in my classes that I will approve. I also need to get into the college of communications so therefore I HAVE to keep my grades up. I really can't wait to become a speech pathologist, I'm very excited about that. Also, God willing I really do think it would be awesome to go to the University of Iowa for their graduate program in speech pathology. They have the best in the nation, and plus ryan goes there. and if I'm going to marry him then being in the same place as him would be a huge plus! Ok, dee you are completely wondering around here and I'm sure whoever reads this is going think that I am a weirdo, but I really don't have much else to talk about. Hmmm. I am excited about going home this weekend and seeing not only my parents and brother but the rest of my entire family! I think we will have a lot of fun and I'm excited that I get to leave tomorrow to go home and don't have to wait until friday. I'm having loss of words at the moment. And someone just imed me. uhh oh, have to tell him to hold on! Ok I did. lets get back on track here. I'M curious as to who gets to read these because I bet that would be a lot of fun. I'm sure that there are LOTS of different things said on each persons assignment. Gosh only 8 minutes of typing! Is this ever going to end! (hey I'm being honesty here!) I bet other people are making this a lot more amusing than I am, but I really am typing my thoughts and feelings. Actually I'm typing the first thing that pops into my head, which is probably why this is making NO sense at all. I think that sitting here and typing out what I'm thinking is distracting me from thinking about what I would really be thinking about, because I'm trying to find something to think about that I can type about. Wow that was a confusing sentence. I'm surprised at how much fun I'm having here. I honestly thought that I would become homesick and miss everything back home and I also thought I would miss ryan a lot more than I am. I mean I do miss him, yes! But there is just so many new things here and everything is so different than usual that my mind is constantly busy thinking about other things. Not complaining because I'm glad I'm not sitting around moping about him, I need to enjoy life, especially college life! I really can't wait to live in a condo next year and get out of this dorm full of nothing but girls. The girls are nice but being around too many girls all the time can really get to you, but I'm sure if I was a guy I probably would not mind. Sitting here wondering what I'm going to type next. I'm not supposed to be planning anything out, which I'm not, but sometimes I just don't think about anything. I don't always have to have something on my mind do I? Much less a feeling". feelings are sometimes so over-rated. Simply type continuously, tracking your thoughts and feelings for the entire 20 minutes. Well I just re-read the instructions and it said to type my thoughts and thinking about what the instructions say is a thought, so I had to type it. Ok 5 more minutes to go, I'm almost there! Gee I didn't realize how often I just don't think about stuff, but I usually do think a lot about different things, I guess just not now. I consider myself to be a pretty deep thinker, and have more mature thoughts than other people that I know. Take for instance the girls yelling outside my dorm "yeah theta!". very loud, annoying, and obnoxious. Yes these are the people I am living with, sweet girls but nothing like me. I don't get into all the sorority stuff. Times running out. whoo hoo! Now I can get back to talking to the guy who imed me earlier during the middle of this wonderful assignment. which is, I must say the easiest graded assignment I have ever done! So I think all the rest of the writing assignments should be like this. Good idea huh? Now I can think about is how I want this to end. I have about a minute to go. So I will take this minute to say hello to whomever is reading this and I hope that you had fun reading my thoughts and "feelings" for 20 minutes of my life. Sorry if I bored you, which I probably did. but its ok, I'm really not a boring person! Well have a good day and goodbye!

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I probably will not get too much typed because I type kind of slow. Anyway, my Girlfriend is not talking to me today. It actually started yesterday because she says that I don't back her up. Whatever. Anyway, Lately we have been getting into a lot of fights. I think she is only PMSing this time thought. Oh well. Ernie left his Binaca on my desk. He better leave today, That boys got to go home. I'm actually typing kind of fast now. Johnny's Pekkle is so dirty. I need to make more friends. I also need to call either Jefferson or James and find out when the IEEE meeting is tonight. I still have to write for 12 more minutes. It took me a long time to Get on to the psy homepage. I wonder why because all the other Internet sites I go to always show up real fast. I guess Kristine is not going to go with me to sign up for psychology experiments. By the way I thing that these experiments that we have to do are BS. I think that that the psychology department needs someone to experiment on so they make the psy301 students be the guinea pigs( I think I spelled that wrong. Oh well. ) If we don't do the experiments they punish the students by making them write a 5 to 10 page paper. Ultimatum. I really need to work on my spelling but I won't. Oh yea I also have to pay the $4 it owe UT. I'll do that by TEX after I finish this essay. I still have 4 minute left. I really hate writing papers. I'm Glad that I got out of English. Everybody says that I need to get into study groups if I want to survive Engineering. I Need to get into some study groups I guess. By the way I didn't mean to caps the "need" in the last sentence. Oh well. It's 2:36 So I guess I'm about done now. LALALALALALALALALA

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Right now, I am very busy. I am very preoccupied by trying to balance my academic studies with my social life. Joining a fraternity is a very difficult thing to do, as it entails choosing a group of people who are most like you, in that they share common ideals and interests. Outside of my world at the University of Texas, I am also struglling to maintain a long distance relationship with the woman who could possibly grow to become my wife. She attends the University of Alabama, and she is also an incoming freshman. However, my troubles are very different than hers. Yes, she joined a serority, but the Greek process that involves women is wholly differnt than the one concerning men. But what is important is that she has already become an active member of a serority, a serority in which she already grown a liking to many active members. I, on the other hand, have just begun my process of joining a fraternity, and is not only stressful but very intimidating. In my opinion, older men are simply more imtimidating and less likely to accept new members than older women. This process of distancing ourselves from each other and the process pf maing new friends, indpendenet of one another, has taken its toll on the quality of our relationship. We often argue, our telephone conversations are usually brief and superficial, and we lack a common ground on which to converse. I am worried than our relationship will not withstand the tests of time and distance, which is the most bothersome thing of all. My feelings for her are still intense, yet they no longer stand forefront in my mind. Now, I have other academic as well as social predicaments to fill uo my time. I worry that she is experiencing the same phenomenon. In addition, I am thinking of how alone I feel in this problem. My roomate does share a similar experience, and I can subsequently not look to him for guidance or advice. I don't want my feelings tp change towards Christel, but I fear that they will, and we will eventually encounter a mutual break-up, but one after which we cannot remain friends. Digressing on a tangent, I can stare out my window as I type this essay, a look out onto the hiils of Austin. Coming from Dallas, I have grown to appreciate Austin's attractive landscape. It hills, its sunsets, and other natural phenomenons sometimes offer a sense of peace during such a hectic time. My roomate is always creating some kind of noise. As I sit here and try to complete this assignment, he is playing a game of football on the Sony Playstation. Does he not have homework to do? I don't know, I guess that it bothers me sometimes that I feel and seem so busy when those around me seem carefree and happy. Will I ever feel completely happy again? In the near future? It's not that I'm depressed or willing to let go of Christel to free myself of these "troubles," it's just that I want all the things that trouble me to merge into one moment of happiness, during whcih all things just "click together. " Too optimistic, I know. That'slife, I know, but I can still wish that things could be different. I never tyhought I'd say this, butit feels good to attack this assignment. In a sense, it's profoundly fulfilling to articulate your troubles as you feel them. I guess sometimes it's easier to realize the way you feel when you struggle to put it into words. But, I've still got troubles. God, I sound depressed, but the fact of the matter is that I am actually having a pretty good time. I have made friends, and I relaize that, given time, all of my problems will work themselves out. I truly believe that unhappiness is a temporary sentiment, as happiness is the underlying emotion in every situation. Damn, I've got to wake up early tomorrow. I wish it was like that, but, as most people would say, that's life! My twenty minutes is almost up, and I really feel better for having articulated some of unshared and unresoved conflicts.

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30

I'm thinking about what I need to do before classes start again, but every time I get started, something interrupts me or I just don't feel like doing it. I'm sitting in my room in front of my awesome new computer listening to the 'Wicked" soundtrack, it's amazing. my room smelled before, but I cleaned the kitchen so now it doesn't smell anymore. stacy just walked in my room and I yelled at her because I am not supposed to be disturbed during my writing assignments. I'm feeling kind of gross, actually. I feel gross because it's the end of the weekend and I was out partying the whole time. I hate when people are like, "yeah I party", but I seriously did the whole weekend. now I feel dirty and gross. I also ate like crap this whole weekend. ew. during the week I'm so healthy and so conscious of what I eat, and then the weekend comes and it's like I've never seen food before. what is that about? so now I feel gross because I feel like I ate the entire state of texas and I'm disgusting. I'll get over it. I kind of miss camp right now, even though I would never go back. I miss sam israel and hilly and weisberg. those three are like my favorite people in the world. this time seems to be going by so slowly. I feel like I've been writing forever and I haven't. weird. so back to camp. I miss it because I was so comfortable and so happy. here, I'm not used to everything yet. and I miss those three girls because I know that they will always be there and I've known them forever. I'm still getting to know people here, which is fun because I love to meet new people, but sometimes I long for that feeling of comfort and not having to impress or look good for anyone. you know what I mean? and I also miss adam. this is something I could talk about for a while but I don't really know if I want to. it's our 4 year anniversary in a couple of days but the card and present that I sent him won't get there on the 8th, I feel kind of bad about that. what can I do? it was so weird when ross called me the other night, what the f? I'm running out of things to talk about. I love traci, my suitemate. I knew her from camp and I'm really glad we decided to live together. despite what everyone said, I knew it would be a good decision. we've been getting along really well. I'm thinking about "friends" right now because it's my favorite show. I love it so much, and I'm so sad that it's over. but I'm excited to watch "joey" on Thursday. I'm definitely going to support him even if the show sucks, though I doubt it will. this is random but I'm going to run out of soap and shampoo soon, I'm going to have to go to eckerd's to buy more, and I need to return some books to the co-op outlet because there were some books that I didn't need. hopefully I'll get store credit, and then I can buy some stuff. that would be awesome! I need to return my chemistry and old psychology book. I found out that I was in the chemistry class for science majors, and let me tell you that I'm the furthest thing from a science major. I hate science. well I don't hate it but I definitely don't belong in that class. so I switched into chemistry in context which is for sure more my pace. and I actually swtiched into this class after classes had started and I found out that I bought the wrong book. I just figured something out about me. I hate bad spellers. so random, I know, but I see myself typing and every time I'm about to spell something wrong or I mistype, I get so angry. I don't know how people can just leave words mispelled. I hope nobody reads this because they'll think I'm such a weird kid. which I am, but not everyone needs to know that. my brother, danny, always tells me I'm a weird kid. he's so funny. and whenever I talk about him to other people, they always ask how old he is, and then they are surprised when I tell them that he's 16, because the way I talk about him, it sounds like he's older. danny always gives me orders and bosses me around, but in a funny way, not in a serious way. people always make fun of our family by calling us the "brady bunch" because no one ever seems to fight in my family. I don't know why, but we all just get along. my older sister is my best friend in the entire world. sure, we get annoyed with each other every once in a while, but she is absolutely the first person that I go to with a problem and she's the first person I tell things to. and danny is awesome. there's nothing not to like about him. he's so cute, nice, smart, funny, he's a great catch. some day, girls are going to fall all over him. they should. me and andi (my sister) always say that we would date danny if he wasn't our brother. he's such a cute kid. I'm kind of mad at him though because I haven't talked to him in a really long time and he said that he would call me and he didn't. I hate when people do that. I really don't know what else to talk about. I guess I can go through my high school friends and talk about them because then I'll have plenty to say. I hope that's still following the assignment. so I'll start with olivia geyelin. I don't even know why I'm writing about her because she sucks. I mean, I hate this girl. she might be the dumbest person I know, and she's always complaining and never knows what's going on. she gets mad at everyone for the dumbest reasons. ew. but I kind of feel bad for her because she's got the worst family life ever. ok I'm sick of olivia, now I'll talk about rikki spreckman. ok, I used to love rikki, she was so sweet and nice and always smiling. and then I realized how selfish and dumb she was. I hate sounding like a bitch but I' m starting with the people I like the least and working my way to the good ones. ok so rikki, sweet girl, adorable, but so dumb. and she's best friends with hillary, who I'll come back to later, but it annoys me because hillary's one of my best friends and I hate how much time they spend together. I'm not jealous, I just know that hillary could do so much better than rikki, but rikki seems to need hillary. and I feel bad for hill because a lot of people don't like rikki, and so they're always talking about her and then people assume that because hill is so close with her that she sucks too, which is so not true. but I've known rikki since junior high. ok now on to sarah salon. I used to hate sarah. she's a bitch. not kidding. and she's intimidating as hell, but only if you take her seriously. now I like her a lot more because I'm not scared of her and I don't take her shit. she has two older sisters who might be the meanest people ever, and she tries to act like them but she's so much better than them. sarah had a boyfriend for a really long time, and so her and I were always able to have really great conversations about boiyfriends and relationships. she's always so much fun to be around. I like her. but her and rikki had this whole feud going for a while and all she would do was talk about rikki and how much she hated her. I'm wondering if this timing thing is accurate because I really feel like I've been doing this forever and every time I'm typing, it seems like the seconds don't go by, but every time I pause, the seconds go by quickly. maybe it's in my head, I don't know. but it's weird. I'm going to start looking at another clock to see how much time has gone by. ok after sarah, I only have favorites left. everyone else left, I genuinely love, they're my best friends. I'll start with lizzie albert. Elizabeth Chandler Albert. I met lizzie freshman year and we were instantly best friends. I'm not kidding, I loved her so much and we could always talk about anything and laughed so much together it was ridiculous. and we were always on the same intellectual level because we were pretty much the same (but she was smarter). in our group of friends, we were the smartest. we were bff, I swear and then junior year, our friends kind of got in this fight and we didn't talk for a really long time. it really bothered me. I'm not joking. it killed me that she didn't want to talk to me and I didn't understand. it was so bad. we were never the same again. but at the end of senior year, we got close again, and now I think we're really close, like reverting back to three years ago. I miss her so much, she goes to wisconsin. she's probably having the best time. I can't wait to go visit her. she's so funny, I always have a great time whenever I'm with her. Love her. ok after lizzie comes simone. I met simone actually a long time ago. Maybe in 1997. she came to camp and we were good friends, we were in the same cabin. then she stopped going to camp and I didn't see her again until I was in high school. then we became best friends. I LOVE simone. she cracks me up and is so great. we finish each other's sentences, she reminds me of my mom so much, she's like another sister to me. we took this class together called 20th century history and literature, and it was the best class that I have ever taken. I'm so glad that we were able to be in that class together. I hate sounding cheesy but it's true. there's no one I'd rather be in 20th with than simone. simone's dad died the day before her 5th birthday, and so she lives with her mom. she has two sisters, so the four girls are pretty close. her mom works all the time so I feel like simone's ahead of all of us, she's already an adult. she does things by herself and is really mature. love her. she goes to bradley which is so good for her. I really hope she's happy. she rocks my world. after simone comes marisa. LOVE marisa. we always knew each other but weren't really friends until about sophomore year. then the end of junior year and all of senior year we were like inseperable. we were best friends. me, simone, lizzie and marisa were a foursome. she's so funny, so sweet, loooooves to talk. I love her family and going over to her house because I always have a good time when I'm there. marisa was the kid who was on the fast track, if you know what I mean. she had sex when she was 12 or 13, had a cell phone before everyone, never really had any rules. Which the exact opposite of me. but she's great and I love her. she has parties and her house is always the one we go back to after dances and stuff. marisa and I went to breakfast every Saturday morning of our senior year. that makes me so sad that I don't get to do that anymore. she goes to indiana, and she loves it. both her parents went there and loved it. her mom was president of aephi there, so she won't have any problems getting into the sorority. marisa goes with the flow, she's not uptight or anal about much. she's actually underrated anal but I won't tell anyone about that. love her. and last, I'll talk about Hillary. I love her. I've known her since the early days at camp marimeta. she was always the little girl that everybody loved. we didn't become friends until we were older and then became like best friends junior and senior year. she' so great. I honestly love her and miss her so much. she wanted to go here so badly and didn't get in. Ass holes. but I don't think she would have come here anyways. I can talk to hillary about everything. I love her. she goes to illinois. I can't wait to go visit her. she's so fun and we'll have the best time partying, but I also can't wait to just talk with her and lay on her bed. she's so funny and a great person to be with. we're very similar in a lot of ways and I just think that she's great. the first time I came to visit texas she came with me. and we were on poms together. She was even my big sister one year. I miss poms. and I miss hill, I need to call her actually because I miss her so much. she's so cute and so talented. she's the best dancer ever and she has a really great voice but she doesn't really sing anymore. sometimes I make her sing to me, but she doesn't sing for a lot of people. ok so now that I only have about a minute left I can talk about adam. adam jeffrey silver. I met the kid the first day of high school. I was like, damn he's hot. we were in like 3 classes together and our last names are close so we sat next to each other. we exchanged phone numbers, he asked me to homecoming and we dated ever since. he's my best friend in the entire world. he knows me better than even I know myself and more than my sister knows me. he's so special to me and I know that I'm in love with him and that I will always love him. I miss him so much. sometimes I don't' know what to do with myself because I miss him so much but I know it's the right thing to be with other people right now. how else are we supposed to know if we're really right for each other? this is the time to find out , you know? well, it's been great. see you later

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19

I don't know what to expect. By best friend's father passed away Monday and I am really worried about the family. His mother does not work and he is in college without much financial aid. I hope he will be able to continue school, but I don't know what's going to happen. I am scared to face them, though. I can't see the family being whole without the father. They were always so close to one another and could share anything with each other. I envied that relationship because my family was broken up at an early age. When my father and mother divorced, I was only about two or three. I actually don't even know when they divorced. I really can't even picture my parents being together at all. They are so different now. I guess that is why I was envious of my friend's family. I never have had a very close relationship with any members of my family. I feel alone inside my parents house. When I went to my friend's house, though, they were always so open with each other and there was never any tension or anxiety between them. I don't see how a family like that could be torn apart, or actually why. Some people think there's a reason for everything, and some people believe that it's all a part of God's plan, but I, personally, have no idea what reason or higher purpose there could be for this man's death. Maybe there isn't any reason. Maybe humans have a natural tendency to search for reasons, causes, purpose. Are we all just misleading ourselves? Could it be that humans are merely just another species on the face of this planet? Who knows. James' father knows. He has all the answers to all the questions in life. It's funny that the questions of life are only found in death. He is dead, nevertheless, and I still can't come to that realization. Traumatic experiences just never happen to me or people I know. Until now, I guess. What the hell happened? Five minutes to go. I remember just before I left, coming back to Austin for my second year, shaking his hand, and hearing him wish me luck. How can that man be dead? Then I remember that death is a part of living; death is the price tag of life. We all have to face it sometime, and I guess it's not going to happen at our convenience. We have to prepare ourselves for anything, but how? I don't know of any way I could have prepared for this. If I would have known that he was going to die, I would have tried to stop it from happening. I would have wanted him to keep on living. Why is that? If death is so common, why do humans try so hard to prevent it, rather prolong it from happening? I can't say that it's selfishness, I wouldn't want him to live just so I could live happy. But that is a part of it. But, the answer awaits me as well. I guess I'll have to prepare myself for my death. That means I better start living my life.

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16

Damn if I didn't hit enter out of habit at fourteen minutes, submitted an incomplete, computers eat my soul, thinking though again on the great badmitten essay of 1999 in outdoor education, a gym coach that never read or listened to the students, known as fact, killed time by writing idiot descriptions of sporting history, history of badmitten, wrote mashed potatoes mashed potatoes mashed potatoes mashed potatoes filling my two pages, I got an A. I met my girlfriend in that class, thinking back to short, white hair and anonymous breasts, she was drunk on our first date, she'd been with many other partners, she smoked and was vulger and knew everything about kandinsky, I painted a portrait of her standing next to a giant anthropomorphic hot dog outside the kodak theater, the hot dog dabbed his own head with ketchup, like a chicken spokesman for a chicken store, a cow for cavender's, or a retarded inmate on death row for the republican party, moving on my dreams dr are a numb series of catastrophic violence, eating brains of my best friends and crying for the deaths of assholes, once fought jack nicholson in a sea of burning ember monkeys, died by the hand of an explosive ship painting, buried under the weight of fat men, my last trip to big bend found me at the base of a babble agave, watching silver linings to form concentric circles around the great javelina head, tusking my eyes out so we could share a nice moment alone at sea, crying in the arms of alien waifs, couldn't fall asleep til I beat tyson in my mind, I graduate in three months with classes outside my interests cause they told me I took too much too much so now you need to suck it up and finish with the freshmen who are there because they don't know where else to be well I know where I need to be and it's not around this keyboard spilling oil into the duck's mouth and making him chase it with a beer, my cat soon yi just came into the room, hopped into my lap staring at these words march across this screen down the page and out of my life.

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22

I am sitting here trying to start writing, but I can't. I have this problem a lot when writing for my english class, because I never do the reading. This year, however I decided that I would try doing the reading assignments, and it has helped me immensley in my classes. However, now that I am doing the reading in my chemistry class, I see no reason to go to class, because my teacher doesn't understand the concept of teaching, so I basically learn nothing. I often wonder if I am too hard on teachers because I want to be one. In my classes, I always seem to evaluate the teacher so I can figure out what to do and what not to do. In high school band, I spent a great amount of time evaluating my band director because I had such a problem with her teaching techniques. I see music education as a field in which you should be a teacher, not a technician. My band director was not a teahcer at all, but only a technician. We never learned a single thing about music, but she was great at teaching kids how to play instuments. My ADD is kind of annoying at times, because I will be trying to concentrate on one thing, and my mind wanders off to another place. I am thinking about this girl in my music theory class who is very good looking. I think I am going to ask her on a date this weekend. I am not sure what I am going to do though, because my father would not let me take my car to school. Sometimes I think he trys to get out of things by procrastination so he can save money. I mean, he gives me everything I need and most everything I want, but I feel that he is trying to make me think he is going to do one thing, and when the time comes he just finds an excuse to not do it. I have tried, however to start holding him to his commitments. Part of the problem is the fact that he trys to do too much in a 24 hour a day, 7-day a week week. He never pays anyone to repair anything for him. He does it all. cars, house, electronics. I am glad, however that I have grown up knowing and learning how to do repairs from such an extremely intellegent man. I'm sure it will come in very handy one day when I have a house and family of my own. In fact, it has made me want to have a house of my own so I can have something to work on of my own. I'm excited in general about my future. I want to be a music educator, teaching orchestra. I love music education and orchestra so much, but I sometimes wish I was getting a piano degree, as it is my first love. I have taken piano most of my life, and I greatly improved this year, mainly in the past 3 months. I sometimes wonder why I smoke cigarettes, as it is a stupid habit. Why would someone willingly put smoke into their bodies. I guess I enjoy it. i don't know. Most of my friends smoke mariajuana, and it doesn't bother me. I, on the other hand, have never done it, and I really have no desire to. My sister was a somewhat heavy weed smoker her first year in college, and she ended up with a GPA of 1. 9. I don't want to get kicked out of UT my first year, and I want to be able to say that is something I have never done. My father works on top secret programs for the government, and he says that if anyone trying to get a security clearence has a history of drug use, they are automatically disqualified. I might want to someday become an engineer, and I would like to do what my father does. That is one of the main reasons I don't smoke weed--I don't want to screw that chance up for myself

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14

They are playing the Atlanta Braves. They're good but I think we should be able to defeat them in the playoffs. There closing pitcher, something like, Lightenburg is the ugliest guy in the league: pretty close to Randy Johnson of the Astros. I'm really hungry right now. I want a nice juicy ribeye steak back in Houston. Houston has the best restaurants. The night before I came to school I went to anthony's in houston. I had duck with cherry dressing. It was so good and the dessert was even better. We ordered practically everything on the menu. School is really different from high school. There is so much freedom compared to high school. Not only are parents out of the scene but teachers don't know if you show up to class or not. My bed is so comfortable. I put my two twin beds together and now I have a king sized bed. I love sprawling out on my bed after walking back from class or coming home from a night in Austin. I love UT and I cannot wait until the first football game even though I am leaving town. I am going to Birmingham for my grandmother's 80th birthday. It will be good to see my parents again. My sister is a senior at UT this year and she is going to graduate in the Spring. She is a PR major. This summer she interned for your daughter at Pennebaker Designs. Well I think that is 20 minutes so I am going to stop. I think I am going to go get something to eat. Pizza or maybe some quesadillas.

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I have no clue how to start this. I haven't bought my psychology book yet. Is that bad? I wish I could do that DJ thing at the beginning of class. The guy last time played horrible music. I made a friend in that class named Kelly. She seems cool. I hope we get to hang out. This feels like a diary entry. Is that what it's supposed to be like? Today Natalie and I went down to a free barbecue thing and met some new people. One girl we met reminded my of my ex-boyfriends new girlfriend. It really got on my nerves. Not because I'm jealous, just because it was like her twin and being around that was just an odd situation. Rob is really annoying me. I'd like to just stop talking to him altogether. But hang out with him at the same time. And Eric. I don't know what to do with Eric. I don't know if I love him or not. I don't know if I'll ever really be in love. He says the sweetest things to me, so it's easy for me to say sweet things back to him. But I don't know if I really feel it or not. I think I'm really heartless. And I haven't been in English for a long time! I'm forgetting whether to capitalize the I" in some words. Odd. My arm hurts. Am I going to have to keep this up for 20 minutes? I wonder if some people write really poetic things in their stream of consciousness writings. Mine is all boring teenage bullshit. Let's try and write something deep. It's quiet in the dorm hall, save the occasional dorm slam. All the girls are in their rooms, wasting tears on heartless boys and wasting brain cells on pointless worksheets. The faint shimmer of hope of the future they saw on the first day of college has almost completely faded, all in a couple of days. Soon those heartless boys will do something so horrendous, and the girls trust in men will be shattered for good and ruin all relationships in the future. Aaaand I'm spent. That was so lame. Bullshit, as my English teacher would say. He is really cool. He made us write about a chair the other day, which was very interesting. And he taught at Pomona, which is my Harvard. I would love to go to school in California. Hopefully next year I can go to SFSU and be near Eric and see if this thing will really work out. Are boys the only thing on my mind? Am I really that shallow? At this moment, I'm afraid so. I blanked. I have to start a new stream. I'm losing a lot of weight, I think. My wrists are smaller than they used to be. I don't know why that waifish look appeals to me. I want to be super skinny. And if not eating is how I have to get there, I just might do it. I don't think I'm fat right now. There are just parts of me that could be smaller. And I'm too lazy to work out, so not eating will solve all of these problem areas. I'll be the anorexic that always eats Milky Way. Because those are so good and I could never give them up. When do I become an adult? I have no clue where that came from. But really. When? It's really quiet in here. I can hear Natalie typing on occasion. She is a good student. Always on top of things. Our room smells like new carpet when you first walk in. The other day it smelled like Clam Chowder. Not pleasant. I miss my family. I never thought I would. I don't miss them so much that I'd cry or be terribly homesick. I mainly miss the meals. And the fact that if I was sick they would go and buy me what I needed. I took birth control for the first time on Friday and it made me sick and there was no one to take care of me. It made me appreciate my mom so much more, which I rarely do. Yes, I am a spoiled brat. I didn't get as much stuff as other brats did, but I am one nonetheless. And I have no concept of money because I am willing to shell out another couple hundred bucks in October to go see Eric again. And my mom will be furious at me if she finds out. I'm not going to tell her this time. I'll give Natalie all the information. And pray my parents don't come down for a surprise visit. I like our dorm room. It has a lot of character. I love our posters. Natalie and I have the same tastes in a lot of things. Of course, I'd much rather have my best friend Monica as a roommate. I miss her so much. And with her, I do miss her to tears. She is the only one I could be myself around. I love her so much. And feel horrible about what I did to her last year. I blew her off. I wasn't a good friend. And I'll never forgive myself for it. The girls across the hall from us just got home. I don't like them that much. Jenny is nice. She listens to Morrissey. And, however stereotypical that is, we think she is gay because of that. Most Morrissey girls are lesbians. And Paige, the other girl, is really stuck-up. And she listens to lots of local bands from Dallas that I despise. So yes. It takes a lot for me to warm-up to people. I'm very selective with friends. Which I shouldn't be because I'm not the coolest person to hang out with. And boy do I have low self-esteem. I constantly put myself down. Eric gets annoyed with it. And I type really hard, too. I think Natalie is annoyed with this sound right now. Oh well. Seriously, is someone going to read this? Is there a right or wrong way to do it? I hope not. I'm sure I'm doing it the wrong way. Rob just told me that he is joining the army. I don't want him to. And I told him why. And he told me not to be punk rock because I'm an indie princess. That's so lame. Just because I listen to that kind of music doesn't mean I can't have political views. And this was a good exercise. Very therapeutic. Thank you, Professor!

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I am sitting at my roommate's desk typing on a computer which does not belong to me in a room that I am still getting used to. "Black Magic Woman" is playing on the radio. I like this song. It reminds me of my mom because she has the record from when she was a Santana fan. The artwork on the cover of the album is really beautiful. There is a red winged creature on the cover and a lot of complex looking designs and a million different colors and stars and growing things. It looks like the night. Today in class I was about to fall asleep. I looked over at Aisha and she was practically dead. I don't think it was because the class wasn't interesting but because it was just the time of day when I feel really tired and I can't really think of anything. When I walk around I feel really relaxed, not at all anxious, and it's kind of pleasant. It reminds me of this boy that works nights, and he would hardly ever sleep and it was kind of nice to be around him because there wasn't a whole lot going on. we would just sit around listening to music or watching things. When he's not tired he talks a lot, and it kind of drives me crazy sometimes. He just talks about cars a lot and how things work and scientific stuff, and he's very passionate about those kind of things. I saw him on Monday and he told me he loved me, and it was so weird. I don't know where that is going. I've known him forever, and I think of him as a person that I can really trust and talk to things about. He reminds me of my father in some ways because my dad always talked a lot sometimes about things that didn't interest me very much but I liked him anyway. I liked how fat he was. It makes me laugh. He was a rather large man and he had really hairy arms like a bear. For some reason I think it's kind of funny to look back on this but maybe it's because I'm kind of tired although I shouldn't be because I've been getting plenty of sleep lately. I wake up in the mornings, and I have this feeling like I just can't wait to get out of the room and walk around, get some fresh air and get out of this little room which I have to share with another person and deal with all her stuff and everything. She's really nice though. I think I might have offended her yesterday because we were talking about Genesis, which we both have to read for our literature class, and I have a lot of questions about what it means and why it's so sacred and important and why God does all the weird stuff that he does in the book. I can't understand why he forbids people to eat the fruit or why he tells people to name their children certain things or why he appears and fights with Jacob. It's pretty messed up if you ask me. How am I supposed to believe in that stuff? It's nuts. I just want to be a good person like my mom. She always helps other people and thinks about others. When my dad was dying, she held everyone together and probably saved me along with everyone else. I don't think I would still be alive without my mom. She's really religious and perfect in most ways. I wish Nathanael were here. He makes me feel better about things most of the time even though he weird me out at times. I wish I could go driving out in the country or even for a walk. I grew up on a farm, and I love open fields and fish and cows and crap like that. It's unfortunate because I can't imagine living anywhere else but in the country even though it is lonely at times. It is so peaceful and beautiful at night. One night Nathanael and I stayed up all night and watched the sun rise. We were sitting on his truck. That was the night before I went to Germany for 3 weeks to visit my best friend who lives there now. I love her so much. She was one of the few people that I ever thought was really like me. She was an incredible artist, and she inspired me to take up drawing and painting. My dad was an artist too. I have one drawing of his on my room at home. He liked to do cartoons and make corny jokes. He was so wonderful with people, and everyone loved him. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if he just walked into the room right now and how I would feel about seeing him after all this time. For I second I feel so excited, but then I realize that it could never happen. It is the most horrible feeling to know that you will never again see someone that you love so much, especially someone that you admired and tried to make yourself like them.

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25

I'm hungry, but I don't have any of the food I normally eat. If I had a car, I'd go to the grocery store and buy myself some more Myoplex (protein shakes) and some cereal and some milk, but my parents heard too many horror stories about first year college students flunking out of school because they drove their roommate to wrestling matches and out-of-town football games and such, so they wouldn't let me bring my car this semester. If I had gone to school out of state, like both my brother and sister did before me, I wouldn't be getting a car for the entire first year, but since my school tuition is roughly one third of what theirs was, and I have some scholarships on top of that, my parents are considering letting me bring my car to Austin at semester. I really don't know where there's room to park a Ford Expedition in this town, but I'll find some place. My car would have been nice to have last last Sunday morning, because there was a rowing team meeting at the boathouse, which is too far to walk to, and I ended up not being able to go because I couldn't find a ride. I was pretty upset, but My R. A. Danny, the one who talked me into trying out for the rowing team, told me to go to practice this morning anyway, and the coaches wouldn't mind. He was right. I just added my name to their list of names that they got at different meetings that I wasn't able to attend, went through the workout, and they told me to come back on Wednesday. It was a lot tougher than I would have thought, in some respects, but a lot less strenuous in others, when I look back at it. The one mile jog wasn't hard at all, and neither were the pull-ups, but eventually the sit-ups wore me out, and the jump-squats actually made me nauseous after a few sets. I think that's mainly because my legs were really sore from the gym the day before, which was a bad move on my part, but it's hard to say. I've never done jump-squats before, so I might have felt sick afterwards without being sore. We didn't get to go out on the water, which was somewhat disappointing, but the group of guys I was with are supposed to take a boat out on wednesday, while the other groups run body circuits, since that's all our group was able to do. We did actually take a boat down to the dock, and set it in the water, but I wasn't able to get in, and the boat never left the dock, so it wasn't as much fun as it could have been. I'm somewhat nervous about the next practice session. We get to use the rowing machines for the first time, and I've never used one before. I'm not sure if three sets of ten minutes is going to be a breeze, or if I'm really going to throw up this time. I work out 6 days a week, and I run, and most of my workouts are repetition, not heavy lifting, so I could definitely be in worse shape for rowing, but I'm still not sure how far away I am from the kind of endurance I need for the urgs" (rowing machines. ) I would actually be stronger, but have less endurance if my shoulder hadn't been giving me problems all through high school. I pulled it while unloading some suitcases for some elderly friends at the New York airport after a two week cruise through Southern Europe. We went to the doctor, they told me to lay off it, and I did, but apparently it wasn't long enough. I was too anxious to get back in the gym, and I never let it heal completely, so about six months later I hurt it again. Six months after that, when it happened the third time, my parents took me to a doctor, and eventually to physical therapy. The therapist told me that my scapular region was too weak in comparison with my pectorals, triceps, biceps, and deltoids. Apparently I hadn't trained my back well enough to keep up with the rest of my upper body, which was causing my shoulders to carry all the strain of my movements, where the muscles in my back were supposed to be assisting the shoulder. The doctor was amazed that both shoulders hadn't been more severely damaged, but I was told that I wasn't beyond repair. A full month of therapy, very specific exercises, cross-friction massages, and ice massages helped a lot, but my shoulder is still pretty fragile. If I push myself too hard on the bench press, or if I don't put ice on my shoulder while stretching it for about ten minutes after every workout, it's sore for the next few days. I'm hoping that rowing will help develop the muscles in my back, especially the scapular region, so I can push myself harder at the gym when I'm training the rest of my upper body. The pull-ups we did the first day of training worked parts of my back that I can feel had been neglected, because the muscles were all tight and sore after only two sets of the pull-ups. Apparently some muscle somewhere in my back is getting some work, so I'm happy with the training so far. I was actually worried for a while that I wouldn't be able to train the rest of my body if I got serious rowing, but the coaches talked to us about how rowing really only works out your back and your biceps, so the rest of your body will need developing too, like your chest and triceps. This means I can still go to the gym, and I actually have more reason now than ever, because I have to keep my chest strong enough to balance with the back muscles that I will undoubtedly be developing. Running and jump-squats in training won't come anywhere close to giving me the leg workout I want, but I'm not sure when I'll be able to work legs without being sore at training the following day. I suppose that after a few weeks of real practice, assuming I make the team, I'll be able to decide when to work my legs, and how hard. Some of the guys there seemed to have been working out, or playing football in high school, because they were pretty used to running body-circuits, and jogging, and weren't too beat at the end of the day. Some of the other guys were obviously novices in the world of fitness. A few people vomited, one guy passed out, and I heard talk about a guy who was trying the rowing workout a few days ago who fell flat on his face and started convulsing. I'm not sure exactly what was going on there, but I'm glad nothing like that has happened to me yet. I can't wait for it to get cold outside, so I can actually stand in that boathouse without wanting to collapse. It was so hot and stuffy in there today that going outside in the 80 degree weather felt like walking into a refrigerator. Once it gets colder, I'm sure I'll have to buy a sweatshirt, and some warmer gym shorts, but the cold will be much more welcome than the hot sticky boathouse. It'll be a lot colder if I fall in the water too, but I'm hoping that won't happen too often.

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26

Well, I feel good about the fact that I am getting this assignment done well before it is due. Today is one of those days that I feel really motivated to do my homework, as opposed to those days in which I don't do anything worthwhile. The excitement of college is starting to wear off and I think that the reality of the fact that I am here is finally sinking in. I really hate the way this typing field doesn't automatically move the sentence down to the next line! I really don't seem to be thinking about anything interesting right now. I am just feeling average, not extremely excited or unhappy. I really cannot think of anything to type. I think my mind is clearing itself like it usually does when I sit down to right a paper. No stray thoughts seem to be coming to me. I am fairly excited about this psychology course. I think this course will not only be very interesting but helpful as well because I plan to go into medicine. Boy, this twenty minutes is going by slowly. I think I might be typing too much too fast. Perhaps I am supposed to sit and wait till a thought comes to me before I type. I have tried to type in my current thoughts and feelings. My roommate is typing on his computer as well, annoying. Now he has turned on his fan, which is fairly loud . he switched it off. Still no stray thoughts. I guess composing these sentences are thoughts. This assignment is all I am thinking about right now. Four minutes to go. Three minutes to go. I have to go out and buy an answering machine today. I have to get back before nine so I can make the upper East Jester floor meeting. Free pizza will be there! I hope its Double Dave's. Oh, they have good pepperoni rolls, I don't know about their pizza. Well, it has been 20 minutes.

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Okay, I am very frustrated right now. I just tried to complete the pretesting survey and I was unable to get on to the web site. I tried for a long time and it still wouldn't work. Anyway, I have so much work to do and I don't feel like doing any of it. And just thinking that I have my economics class at 8:00AM tomorrow doesn't make me feel any better. I can't wait until my weekend comes. This past weekend was awesome. My friends came up to visit me for the whole weekend and we went out and stuff. My boyfriend, who I haven't seen in about a month, also came up with one of my best friends on Sat. I was really happy. Gosh!!! I am really uncomfortable in this chair at this desk. I have to put the keyboard in my lap because we don't have anywhere to put it. my back is hurting. my roomate looks like she's really comfortable in her bed while I'm here all twisted in my chair trying to type. I wonder why I'm having trouble thinking of things . It should be easy to just type whatever comes to my head, but, it's like my mind is not all here. I can't believe that I almost lst my key today. I got home after being gone to two cclasses and I realize that my key is gone. I don't have fifty dollars to just throw away. I wish I was kind of rich. no, not rich just better off than I am right now. I would just like to live comfortably. with just a little extra cash in my pocket. ouch ! my back is really bothering me right now. maybe after I finish this I should go and check if I can get on that pretesting thing again. waht is I keep haveing trouble with it? and, what if I never get it to work? then what? well, maybe I can go to somebody elses computer to do it. I wonder if it's the computer that is not working. I don;t know . but then again, I'm also computer illiterate. I can't bele\ieve that 20 minutes have not gone by yet. ohhh, I;m so tired. I still have to do more homework and I'm sleepy. I'm also getting kind of lazy to go work out, but, I have to go because I missed this whole past weekend. I feel like I'm getting fat even though I eat salads and baked potatoes every day. the jester food is gross. ooh, that late night food last night was so gross. It was extremely greasy. eating that stuff on a regular basis can make you really fat in no time. I hope I don't gaing those freshman fifteen . that would suck. I don't' want to gain any weight at all. I've seen too many peaple come home really fat after just a few months of coolleege. I'm really tired of typing already and I really want to stapo. I can't even spell anymore. I really hate thursdays. I have too much stuff to do on thursdays. my day is ruined at 8:00 when I have to go to economics . from then on it's jsut hell. then biology is really long. it's not a bad class it's just really loong.

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26

well here I am sitting in front of this glowing monitor trying not to tell the editor in my head overtake me. It's more difficult than it seems but I must keep trodding. Shoot. I just realized I missed a club meeting tonight. I also remembered about the informal classes Ill be taking Monday. I should also be practicing guitar but I'm too lazy. (Homework for that matter) Boy it's something else being 27 stories up. People look like small ants moving around in the strangest fashion. Now I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I feel sick from the food I ate for dinner, and it's inhibiting me from my studies. What else to say. . . . . I remembered I should call Peggy since she left a message the other day, but that can wait till later. Oh, and Rob, well I need to inform him about the Houston concert info. I wonder if those airline tickets to D. C. came in yet. And where are those items I ordered from the catalog? I'm beginning to worry. I cant believe B of A charges a dollar to merely check a statement from an ATM. They also charge for depositing and withdrawing currency from the bank teller instead of an ATM. outrageous. I'm really looking forward to go back home soon. I'm still homesick, but it's fizzled somewhat since the first few days. Looking at my bookshelf, it reminds that I bought Contact by Carl Sagan, which I keep intending to read, but never get around to it. I hate that. Why did I buy the book? Well I thought Contact was an excellent movie for the moral implications that are brought up. It's a great thing to see such a science oriented film focus on faith and not mere facts. Carl Sagan must have been a brilliant man. My next door neighbors just turned up the stereo, so there goes the silence. Hmm what song is that?. Oh yeah, semi charmed life. I should look for those guitar tabs later. That reminds me, should go to the party next door on Sat. or not? I suppose it couldn’t hurt, but then I'd get further behind on my studies. How long have I been writing so far? Hmm. almost 20 min. I haven't really said anything profound which disappoints me, but then again, this is a stream of consciousness assignment. I'm liking college a lot. It gives me space ponder and let my mind wander. It's amazing the places one can go if you just set your mind free. I don't know why, but sometimes I have an impulsive urge to write poems or songs, but once I get distracted from that sudden drive, I lose the will to do so. I guess I have to be in a certain mood. I noticed that I had mere frequent occurrences when I first got here. Perhaps it was due to the seclusion and sudden separation from friends and family. Being in a strange environment w/o a guardian is harder than I thought. I feel like I'm being forced to grow up faster than I'd like to. But I suppose it builds character, and I have never been one to back down from obstacles. Think of it as a gateway to another world. Hmm time's up. My train of thought has sure been a wacky one. Bunch of random thoughts strewn together. does this represent a part of who I am? certainly, but not hardly. maybe a paradox of some sort. one thought to add is that I have been such a weak willed person lately. I have those intentions, but I cant seem to get them to take root. That needs to change, and I guess I do notice a little improvement, but near as much as I'd like

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26

Today I got a new washer and dryer. I know this is kind of corny to write about, but I am so excited. I won't have to use the laundry room for the apartment complex anymore, because now ì have my own washer and dryer. It cost one dollar to wash and one dollar to dry, in the wash room. My clothes didn't event come out dry. I was so pissed. I am very very thankful for my parents. I would not have this BRANDNEW washer and dryer if it were not for them. God has truly blessed us as a family. My family is a strong, close family. They are always there for me and my sisters no matter what happens. Right now my nieces and nephew ar living with my mom and dad. My sisters are in the Navy,so their children stay with my parents. My mom loves it, but I know it is very hard on her. It is hard on me when I go home to visit. I never get any rest. I am always up around 7:00 in the morning. Someone is always crying at one time or another. Especially Zac, he cries around three in the morning when everyone is asleep. I love going home, but man I get so happy when it is time for me to com back to Austin. This typing thing is going by pretty slow. I swear I have been on here for ten minutes already. I don't even know what else to type about. I could type about my ex-fiance, that would take more than twenty minutes. I am still paying for my foolishness behind him. We were together for a long time, then he proposed. yeah, that same old traditional, only the right way to go kind of things. Anyway, we were together for a long time, about 2 yrs. He proposed in front of my whole family on Dec. 23, which happened to be the day my family celebrated Christmas that yeat. I cried, I said yes . Then all of the drama started, he wanted ot hang out with his friends all of the time , and I just got tired of all of the foolishness. I guess he got tired of all of it too. SO, he broke up with me. I cired for a little while, but my mom helped me out a lot. She told me, Every woman has her heart broken at least one time, and baby this is your time . I didn't want to believe it but it was true. I faced the facts, picked up my heart and moved on. It's not time yet!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ghosh the insanity. I guess I will type really slow so time will go by really fast. I never knew twenty minutes would take this long. Time flys by when you're having fun. I guess this is not one of those times. I'm almost there though. I wonder what everyone else wrote about. You know, I feel like I'm talking to myself or some kind of imaginary friend. This seems so funny. Well I guess I'll take these last few minutes to say my goodbyes. I'm just playing, wasn't that funny. No, I didn't think so either. It's only 9:57, I thought it was eleven o'clock. I did that eleven o'clock to waste time. TWO MORE MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's so delightful. I guess my fingers needed the workout. Poor fingers. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what to do, what to do . 10, 9, 8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,

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9

Okay so now I am sitting here preparing to write a stream of consciousness writing. I wonder why I have to type that out what am I thinking of course this is what I am going to write this music that I am listening to seems to be distracting me a little and the timer I feel very stressed out writing to a real timer I don't know why I think I will take off my head phones I had planned to write about a lot but for some reason I can't seem to do more than write what my head is thinking about for one is my head supposed to blank out like it just did I guess I can start by describing my environment lets see the air smells like air the back of my back is warm from the sun through the window right now there isn't any noises and I feel somewhat stressed and anxious the timer keeps going coldly, without a thought to whether or not I actually have a though or not and I think the seconds are scrolling faster than a real second would. maybe my perception of time is defunct if it were possible to qualify a sigh in thought-form my mind would have just sighed I can't believe I have to go pick up my friend later today because his car broke down, its like I have to help him but I fear that he may not help me when the same situation like this occurs to me I just woke up and for some reason there's a sense of dread weighing down on my heart as if I feared that I am doing this stream of consciousness writing incorrectly I can't believe I have already written for 5 minutes, time really does pass quickly when you are trying to listen in on your own inner thoughts but it seems as if my thoughts are triggered by what I am doing, like I cannot seem to get into any deep right now such as the existence or nonexistence of god which I was arguing quite magnificently the other day but instead here I am babbling like my mind is a stream of babble instead of consciousness and I wonder if I am supposed to be aware that any of this is supposed to make sense I really hope it does because if it doesn't well I guess my mind is simply disorganized but isn't that what a mind should be? disorganized? don't we need to take time to listen to our minds and organize the stream before we talk? its like the old saying, think before you speak and etc etc etc. if this is how my mind really thinks, I really think I cannot type fast enough to fully express the words in my mind. that is an interesting though, do I actually hear a voice in my head right now dictating everything I've just written? that is really weird, is this how our sense of hearing works? I have my own voice in my head only it doesn't have the auditory quality of my own voice, but rather I can hear it, its a strange process I guess I really can't multitask when I am writing a stream of consciousness I see three ims on the bottom of this screen, all blinking yet unanswered perhaps I am not truly tracking my own mind I MUST DWELL FURTHER IN. I'd like to reveal something about myself perhaps something I didn't know existed I remember my childhood I don't know why but for some reason I start remembering it whenever I think too hard that or I am just trying to find something to say for this stream of consciousness either way . the phone is ringing, should I go pick it up? maybe I will just let my parents handle it, but it keeps ringing and ringing and ringing. looks like I had to pick it up for a bit, I hope the professor doesn't penalize me for 20 seconds of non thought but I can make up for it because it was my friend who I needed to help out today, he sounded pretty appreciative though I dismissed him quickly because of this assignment and here I am fixing mistakes in my typing maybe I should just leave my mistakes in so I can listen to myself more. right well now I feel nostalgic or actually no I don't I just see a blue sky in my thoughts and clear. no with white clouds and its a clear day and I was a little boy there's a feeling that is not quite nostalgia but it permeates through me likes a majestic feeling as if I were over a cliff and viewing the world for the first time, its breathtaking. another thought sigh. I miss my childhood and here I am back behind my computer again full of stress and anxiety. I would view myself as a logical person not to get emotionalized (if that is a word) which it is not a word but I guess its the only way my thoughts can process it without me actually thinking about it, yeah I make up a lot of words in my thoughts actually its quite strange why does it seem so hard to write about my stream but when actually I have written so much originally I had planned to write a debate that was in my head about god but I guess that was yesterday night when I was heated up about it today I just feel complacent about writing about nothing. I see nothing revealing in the past couple of paragraphs, just a jumble of words broken thoughts and now I feel disappointed why am I disappointed? I guess I just thought I could find something that could prove that I am more than just a regular case or is this stuff that I write even regular to all people? I don't know but I like being special. well no. now I feel embarrassed for writing that out and there's only 3 more minutes to describe the rest of my thoughts for today. its weird how if focused my thoughts do not go much into the future, I can't really plan ahead, I can't think about my future, my ambitions seem to fade away I guess this is the nature of this exercise that causes it since you are supposed to write at present thoughts which tend to mold my thoughts into present thoughts and I don't know why that past thought had blurbed into my mind perhaps I forced it to just for some interest in this stream of consciousness, why am I so eager to put interest in this bit, I do like this interface though what that has nothing to do with what I just said god. now I am frustrated at the fact that my mind is so disorganized that or if I tried to organize it I would have nothing to say it is so hard to just spew everything out the way that I think it because my preliminary thought is to first organize it and that takes so much time and for some reason sometimes I end up saying nothing because I dunno I know I obviously have a stream now but I guess since none of it makes much sense I can't really phrase it into communicable words or rather perhaps I am just afraid that if I do people will laugh at me for being an idiot. 8 more seconds. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. bye

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I absolutely hate Mondays they make everything seem to last forever, except for the weekend. minutes seem longer, hours seem longer, the entire day drags without any hope for it to end. But in actuality, if Mondays were obliterated from the week, Tuesdays would simply inherit the mundane tasks of being the first day of the week and the thief of the weekend. weekends are not exactly the most practical approach to leisure activity. the "fun" things in life we wait to do until the weekend and try to cram everything into the two days that can not possibly be accomplished only to start out the new week on a Monday nonetheless with drained energy, hangovers, for some, and incredibly lethargic. a better approach would be to evenly space the week out with "leisure days" in between week days. also by random people taking off different leisure days, the maximum enjoyment could be appreciated due to less crowding, fewer lines, less traffic, etc. traffic is far too overrated. the idea of everyone trying to get one place at one time is beyond me . if every one had their own schedules, for instance of everyone could decide for themselves, when their necessary lunch time was instead of the standard 12:00, the roads and restaurants at that time would probably be less crowded, therefore, traffic would decrease. if traffic were lessened everyone would probably be less cranky and agitated. cranky people are just entirely too obnoxious and loud. simply because of their crankiness is everyone else cranky. its like a yawn once someone else begins to complain about things, you find yourself griping about little nit picky things over which you have no control perky people are the same way only usually they are responsible for the cranky people being cranky. I guess it all goes to say that there is such a thing as too much of anything. you can be too cranky and you can be too perky

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By back hurts when I sit like this and I can feel the little tendon that is inflamed. I don't really have to think about each letter that I type on the keyboard I just think about what I want to say and it goes from my mind through the fingers and into the computer. I just stopped to think about what to write about next but I don't know exactly what I'm thinking so I'll write about what I just thought. my mind is telling me that it is lunch time and my stomach is agreeing. I think that I am going to eat healthy today because I have been slacking off pretty bad. I should probably eat some of the food that my parents gave me this weekend so that my roommate doesn't eat it all. Gosh my back hurts. Damn rain. Houston has a lot of rain, probably more than Austin I think I like usstin a lot better than Houston, it is cooler here to there is not nearly as much humidity, Gosh I have a bad cough, why do I get depressed so easily I think my problem is that I am always trying to please everybody else and not myself. I guess that is good because it is unselfish but it is my life and everybody says that life is short but see there I go listening to everybody else again. Goodness I have a cough a headache and my back is so screwed up , it sucks to go from being very active to nearly useless . My whole life has been about having fun and playing sports and now it hurts to bad just sitting here. it is amazing that I was not paralyzed, I could not imagine what it must feel like to know that you will never stand up strait or run or even walk again. that suck but I see now that my situation is not as bad as many peoples. what do I write now I wonder. I wonder how many people will be on sixth street I wonder why my nose is itching and I haven't stopped typing to scratch it . it must be a zit trying to emerge. Janel if you read this you probably think that last statement is gross but I am very frank. I wonder if I am going to do good here at UT. I wonder what song that is being played down the hall so loud. I wonder if that is. Oh well the reptilian part of my brain is telling me that I have written for twenty minutes and that I should do something else.

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I am typing this paper because I have to. My roommate is asleep. I am listening to Incubus music. I am listening to Incubus. I just got off the phone with my girlfriend. She was annoying me. She was saying all this stuff about how I was flirting with this fat girl. And I was like what I did not flirt with the fat girl. And we went back and forth and it was a stupid argument. But in the end we worked it out and we are still cool together and it is all good. The music I am listening to is so good I love listening to them. I am so mad. I did my Calculus homework tonight and I missed a few problems. It makes me angry because my roommate and I both know Calculus and I should have gotten them all right. I missed a few which was stupid, but I corrected them. But still it makes me mad because the grading system is so stupid. If you keep guessing a question and get it wrong you get negative points. Which makes no sense because then you could get a negative one hundred instead of a maximum one hundred which means that you could get a -100 to a 100 which makes no sense. I am so mad at this stupid grading system. Because then I can get negative points and it will still make my grade negative but it will still hurt it a lot. I am really in a bad mood because our shower flooded tonight and so we have to call maintenance and they have to come and fix it. And I messed up on my homework so it is not a good night. I cannot wait for this week to be over. I am having a bad week. The song I am listening to now is really good and it is motivating me to type. I really have to go to the bathroom. I wish I could go. Oh well, the music is good. I really like this writing assignment because I can write about whatever I want. I wish all writing assignments were like this. It is so cool to be able to write about anything. I love writing about what I am thinking, it is almost like a diary. It is good to be able to write about my feelings, I think this assignment is very good. I hope my girlfriend is not mad, I just thought about that. We talked tonight, and I think she might be mad with some of the stuff that I told her. I really hope she is not because I love her with all my heart, I hope she is nor going to blow anything

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Ok so my roommate is sleeping & I have til 5 when my scuba class is started to do whatever when I am done writing this. . . I think I'll get online & talk to people like I normally do. . talk to my friends in RR since I haven't met too many peopel down here. . . well I've met them, just haven't gotten to know anyone. So I'll get online & listen to music. . . I hope I can get another job offer since I want to go camping on the 13th-14th & my training for the Frank Erwin Center is o nthe 14th. . man I don't want to tell everyone to go sat night & tude on sunday because we already talked about going friday afternoon. . of course even going friday afternoon they have to wait on me to get outta class at like 2 I believe but still. . tehy'd hafta wait til I got out at 6 pm on saturday if I did get a job at the Frank Erwin Center. I need some kind of job so maybe I should just go to the interview & try to get the job. . it won't be that big of deal if we wait til sat & I could even meet them up there if it's a problem. . . I want to work at Urban Outfitters though because I coudl get discounts on cool clothes & room accessories & it's closer & prolley less demanding that working as an usher. . Of course being an usher would be cool because of free concerts & stuff but at the same time I wouldn't be able to sit w/friends or anything at those concerts but it's ok. . . & starting rate for the FEC is $7 which is more than I was making at Red Hot & Blue. I think any job would pay me more than Red Hot & Blue. . except of course Cadiz but that's not a real job. . . Man 20 minutes is a long time. . Tru LIes was a good movie last night. . Ultimate frisbee was fun once half the guys left. . . I had no clue what was going on when there was 5 on each team but when it was 3 on each team I got better because there was less going on. . plus the guys had no choice but to throw it to me. . . There were only 3 of us. . we won though & I scored a point & assisted the winning point for our team so they couldn't have been that disappointed to have the girl on their team. . . I can't wait for the Two Towers to come out this winter. I'm so mad that Kim lost that book! Harry Potter 2 will be very good too & I know Jess is like counting down the days. . I can't believe Jess' mom. . Jess & I will always be friends despite the fact that I'm in college. Jess is gonn agraduate & come here anyways. . I need Jess to make me laugh. Bitsy is my giudence counselor friend & Jess is my fellow geeky to laugh w/friend. . you need both kinds & I'm glad I have both kinds. . even though Bitsy has headaches all the time which aren't her fault. . I feel sorry for her but at the same time, she's a wimp. . & her many boy problems & many boys starring her down do get annoying. . that was so funny when Kim noticed that after being w/her for like 10 minutes. of course she wAS TALKIGN a lot more than she normally does that night after working first night at Red Hot & BLue. . I was excited the first night Todd talked to me too. the boy is gorgeous! Too bad he had a girlfriend. . not that that would mean we would've hooked up or anything. . just would have been nice to know he was available. I am drawing a blank on what to write now. . this fan kleeps blowing my hair & it's annoying me but I know this room gets hot when you sleep so I'll leave it on for Cindy. . i NEED to put a tack in the bottom of that paper there because that thing kept me up for like an hour last night. . I was so tired last night. I can't believe it took me so long to fall asleep. maybe I'll just take Cindy's idea & take a nap for a bit before my scuba class. this scuba class better be good because I really wanted to take a karate class or a self-defense class. not for the actual use of self-defense like the wussy girls taking that class. . I want to know that I can kick someone's ass if need may be. . I think I could put up a pretty damn good fight if I really did get mad enough. . even my play punches are hard acording to others. . that makes me feel like a butch girl though so I don't appriciate it when I am told that. Use those arms Ugh! I shoulda stopped! Oh well! & the phone is ringing but she's asleep so she won't answer & there will be a message & that stupid machine beeps until you check it-good no message. .

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Well, this is interesting, writing for 20 minutes straight, I don't know if I've ever written for that long continuously before, this should be a welcome challenge. My roommate is bustling around the room, packing for retreat, and he forgot to do this assignment, he's running around the room packing and trying to do this assignment, haha, it's kind of funny. sucks for him that he forgot about this, he's going on a campus crusade trip this weekend, so I have the entire room to myself, wonder what things I can do with that luxury, hmmmm, time to ponder what interesting things can happen this weekend. Cosby show is on, I'm waiting to watch my favorite cartoon at 4 o'clock, dragon ball z. Japanese animation at it's best. I think I just have a thing for fighting and energy balls flying through the air and planets being blown up. I guess I'm just like a stereotypical guy. I'M football starts this weekend. I'm pretty excited. I signed up through CBS. known as chinese bible study. should be fun since I get to meet some new people considering I came from a pretty strong contingent of people I already knew from the Dallas area, mainly centered around plano. Austin is a really cool place. more things to do then in plano. but. not having a car kind of sucks. can't just go wherever. unless I feel like walking. which doesn't happen very often. only thing that is troubling is the weather. so freaking hot and humid and. just. nasty. can't wait until fall and winter when it's nice and cool outside with some rain and some mist. that'd be nice. none of this 110 degree weather. for a few months at least. Just got done with classes today. chemistry. right now it's pretty much a review of chemistry I I took in high school. so. not too troublesome yet. but the teacher is pretty good. she's really into the chemistry and lectures well even though most of the people already know how to do everything from high school. but it's nice to see the drive she has to teach and get the information through to us. my roommate just stocked up on food. he made a pilgrimage to the HEB because he's lucky and didn't have a class today. no class at all. what a punk. well. I shouldn't complain. I have one class on Tuesday and Thursday. that's pretty nice. it's just calculus discussion too. so. I can get away with like. dozing off in that class. I'm going to lake travis this weekend with some friends. that should be pretty fun. get away from the city for a bit. and. get nice a dark. hope I don't get burned. and. don't want to turn the color of burnt toast either. I will no longer look chine se. hmmm. should I get a hair cut this weekend? I'm thinking about changing my hair. want to cut it shorter. because. it's nice and hot around here in Austin. shorter hair would be nice. considering I do walk everywhere for now. hmmm. provocative. maybe I'll ask some people what they think. then I can trek down to the drag and find a place to get my hair chopped. or. ear's lowered. whatever is the lingo nowadays. I have a lot of reading to do this weekend. what a bummer. I have to read the 4 books out of the odyssey for Greek. and I have a quiz on Monday. I have to read chemistry and start the hw. I have some calc hw I should do. and. need to read for psych. what a weekend. tons and tons of reading. but. football on Sunday. get to watch some NFL and get to see how well my fantasy players do. hopefully I'll win in fantasy football this week. lost last week. kind of made me mad. my team didn't produce. but it happens. hmmm. hope I get to play basketball this weekend too. haven't played in a few days. and didn't play as much as usual this week. wonder if my skills have deteriorated. guess it'd be a good time to find out. just play some pick up game against some friends. hopefully I'll get to dominate. but. in all likeliness. I'll be toasted. nicely toasted. oh well. it happens. I'm really tired right now. I should have slept earlier. I don't know though. I slept around 12:30. I should be okay. that's 8 hours. maybe it was because my roommate was snoring so I couldn't get any sleep. kept waking up in the middle of the night to that hideous sound. that'll keep you awake. but once I hit him. he shut up. should keep that in mind more often. hehehe. hmmm. I'm trying to submit this. because I've written for more then 20 minutes. but I can't. hopefully I'll be able to turn this in on time. I only have an hour and a half to turn this in. well. hopefully all will work out for the good.

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man, I feel really weird right now. I don't know what exactly is going on . I had a fun time at this reggae show last nite. that was a cool band. it made me feel happy. I havent really been feeling happy all that much recently. its pretty much because I broke up with my girlfriend. well, I ddint really break up with her, we just sort of broke up, even though we were never officailly together in the first place. now that was a strange relationship. how come I'm not hungary. I feel like I should be its been a while since I had that pizza on 6th st. last nite. I don't have anything to say right now. what a wierd thing for me, usually I'm just filled with thoughts about whats in my head. I let you down, oh, forgiveme. that s a lyric to a dave matthews song he's like my favorite musicain in the world. oh its you. that was the next lyric. don't walk away. that song makes me think of my girlfrie,d. actually, just about every song makes me tink of her. I wan to right a song. I want to be in a band. me and pete went to this punk show on thrus. nite and it was so cool whenever I go to shows like that, I always get inspired. the phone just rang and my mom called. I got off with her as soon as I could, but I hope that doesn't interfere with this experiment. but this band thing sounds like so much fun. I just want to learn how to play guitar, and just srite one incredible song that can speak to just one kid who is like me. that would be my dream to express myself perfectly to just one perosn. right now, the song would probably be about ashley. oh, its you. I want to be soo happy in life. bt I don't even know what I want to do. I major in rtf, but I actually really liek this psych class. oh I don't know. forgive me. last nite those reaggae guys were probably really high. they smoke mad weed, ibet. if it all ended today, thigns would be left unsaid I think . I don't lkie it when that happens. I like to hear it striat. I have to do laundry this weekend. that sucks. I hate hassles like that. I 'm ssoo freaking lazy. someitmes I want to be a go-getter. oh well, not that badly I guess. my roomate is doning a movie shoot this morning. I would like to do that someday, or at least , I used to think that I wanted to do that. now I'm not sure. I like radio more that film these days. thats what I think I want to get into. jack keroack's on the road, someone once told me is stream of consciousness writning. he's better at it than I am. I wish I could finish that book. it seems like I always get about 150 pages into it and then stop for no reason. sorry, jack, I like it so far, but I just can't finish it. this summer I will. I wonder whta that will be like. going home for the summer after college. I hope its fun, but everyone tells me it will be wierd. I don't watn it to be weird. I want it to be happy. oh, deep breathe. I like hanging out with pete. I met him at orientation. I don't know if his roomate had fun last nite or not. oh well. I watn my band to have acool name if we ever get started. like the sneaker pimps, thats a cool name, but some other band already has it, so I can't use it. take me down, six underground. thats their song. ben collins asked me about it once durnign can't hardly wait. I hope he gets his back healthy so he can play some hoop for san jose st. he's the next wally szerbiak. haha. theyre I s a humming in my rroom. its a combo of the computer and the fridge. but the fidge just stopped, so now its just the computer. if I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the mornig, but its now the after noon, so I can take a break. woohoo. like homer sometimes says when he's ahppy. instead of the upset "doe" that is like the funnyest show on tv. I can't