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jingjietan

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9

right now I'm wondering why I am doing this and how it relates to the class I'm tired and this is not helping get the sleep I need and with my government class too crap I have to do that for about 2 hours tonight I'm wondering wheather I hate college or love it or both I think its both all the people hear and so much to do study party girls ect. my clothes need to be washed tonight they smell like crap. ahh sweet katie is coming up this week how cool wondering what my first football game is going to be like and if I'm going to get any action from kaite david my roommate wants to get some snuggle action from katies friend ashleigh I'm sure he would like more than that though knowing him ohh yea I hate this crap I'm listening to hungry like the wolf got to delete that off my winamp man its so hot in this room I need to shower for like the 5th time today this weahter sucks hear its about 100 degress everyday thats starting to piss me off too ahh got to pick up my football tickets tommarow don't want to miss that right frats???? the delt frat party on friday am I going to go or just hang out in my dorm and what about katie coming up my god I'm sweating I'm my room damn AC!!! I hope I get a solid grade in this class I mean I could be out party right now but know I'm doing this stupid stream of concoious crap I hope this is what you guys are looking for beccuase I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing at the moment I want to go eat and play some pool down in the lobby. I'm also craving for a ciggarrtte but I'm not allowed to smoke in the room due to david donest wnnt me too kelly what about her I wish she was hear I'm bored and not liking this I want to do some real homework and get this done done done everyme and every you every me and every me haha david my roomate last night thinking about how he need to use the bathroom but couldnt because are suite mate was in it and how he wehnt to the 11 floor in only his boxer and I got a chuckle out of that this sucks government I need to get to that and start it up so I can feel satisfied with my studying for the night need to get this done tell me why aint nothing but a mistake I never want to hear u say haha I'm losing it going with lyrics that suck badly I wonder if my suite and now my roommate david are gay I think john david just might be its alight though I mean were in austin I have no problem with taht as long as he doesn't put any of that gayness on me haha ohh man I'm liking this eithernet connection this is some fast crap ohh sweet this is almost over hell yea I need some coffe my god that sounds goood a full 6 cups of coffee to go along with danny hhhhhhhanley I my roomate thinks I'm crazy for turning this pethetic essay in of my stream of concious ohh yes sugar sounds good with my coffee heck yea never heard such a brilliant idea as a cup of coffee at the moment I don't think this is long enough now but my time seems to be up ohh well that was a full 20 mins

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So, it's a Tuesday night, and there's nothing to do. I ate dinner earlier and can feel the food digesting. I am rather anxious about something. Not terribly that it is distracting, but I feel as though I am expecting something. It might be that I am nervous about school. It's a new place for me, coming from Minnesota. I haven't really made my close group of friends. Sure, I've been having loads of fun, but I still don't have that complete feeling of acceptance yet. I haven't found my niche. It's almost like I am waiting for it to be a month from now when I've found my place. It's also hard in class, becuase I don't know many, hardly any at all, people in them. I don't have people where I can go to work on projects or anything. This makes me a little worried about how I am going to do, becuase I can't compare answers on homework with friends, and I can't discuss new concepts with anyone. I think that the move to a toally new placed this past month has been a little more stressful than I originally expected. But I am not worried because there are so many people here that I know it can't be too long before I find my place. Austin is a great city also. That's a definite plus. The city has just a great atmosphere. I've seen two concerts here and I love it. I can't wait to see even more of the city and it's cool places. Music is a big part of my life and I think that is really going to make me happy. It's great to know that just about every week there will be a concert or something I will love to do. I am really excited to get to know some of the local musicians. That'll be cool. I also have feelings that I want to have a girlfriend. I don't really know what I want sexually. I feel like I want a steady girlfriend. Someone who I can always be close with. I really think that will help make my transition into Texas easier. But it's hard for me to find someone who I'll get along with this well. Another thing I think about is committment. I dont' know if I want a long term relationship. Also, would it be to distracting for be because of school? I certainly know that school is my priority, but now that I'm in college, I have to discover how much time I really need to spend doing work to maintain my GPA. I think that the first semester is the hardest because it's a new atmosphere and I have to test the limits and such. Another thing that kind of worries me is my suitemate. He is a big partier, and although I like to party some, he's always up very late at night and is usually very loud. It's hard for me to tell whether it will last or if it's just the first week of school and he's really excited. I just hope that he will get to studying. I am sur that all will work out. I really feel that things usually do work out, and eventually I will feel hapiness and the anxious feeling will go away. I'm just anxious to not be anxious anymore.

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I am sad. I just started thinking about the dog I left behind in Katy, Texas. That isn't exactly why I am sad though. It seems weird to me that I am really missing my dog and hardly ever thinking about my mom and dad. It isn't that I don't love my mom or dad but something must have gone wrong considering this is my first time away from them and I am hardly talking to them at all. If my mom sends me an email is usually says something like: nothing new here, Mickey's now. Mickey is my dog. I really feel like my dog is more important to my mom then I am. At least she has always spent more time with him. I am getting teary eyed which is weird because I haven't cried in years and I don't think I have anything to cry about now. My roommate's mom calls him every single night. I have talked to her more then I have talked to my mom since I have been here. I haven't heard a word from my dad at all. Oddly enough I don't really miss my friends back home. We have been very close since sixth grade and I just left them. For some odd reason this really doesn't bother me. I can't stop thinking about how much your class stresses me out. It seems so easy. I know it won't be easy though, and that makes we question how much time I should be spending on it now. I almost had a panic attack when I saw that the website was down but it is now back up and that makes me feel okay. I am really hungry which is weird because I just ate a piece of ham, a piece of turkey, sweet potatoes, a piece of pecan pie, broccoli and cheese, and a Neapolitan ice cream sandwich. Isn't that nuts. Hopkins 24/7 is now on. That is an awesome show. It really hits hard without showing gruesome ER scenes (it is a documentary series). I lost my train of thought and I am now writing about nothing. Well, my twenty minutes are up. Bye.

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Stream on consciousness, this is something I have done before, when I was writing my diary, I though it'd be a cool idea, I wrote down a lot of stuff, some having to do with music, some having to do with my boyfriend. He's a good guy, I miss him sometimes, well I do but I don't- it's not really an active missing, it's a passive missing, like I know I do somehwhere in my heart, but it doesn't hurt or anything I wonder what that could mean? everyone always asks me how long we'll last, and even though I'm not sure, I guess well last a long time, I mean its already been a year, which really doesn't seems so long anymore, only a few weeks maybe, until I really think about it. then its much longer. even though it all doesn't add up at first- it makes sense somhow. you know? it all makes sense when you look back at it all. I tend to think in really long streams and then my mind pauses, as if to switch subjects, not really to- well actually sometimes, to reflect on it- but I always inevitably move on, I wonder if that's what veryone's like. if they all reflect on their thoughts like I do, then move on. or if they thing continuosly only shifting smoothly from one thought to the next. there has to be someone like that, somewhere. maybe in china or some other country, but some where. I refuse to think that people all think the same, not only because people are inherently different but because even if 99% of us wer the same, there would have to be at least one person who's not. That's just the way I think. Ellipses are fun, they provide space, and soetimes a depth that no other literary device can reach. I'm not sure if depth is the right word of if tis truly a literary device, but ellipses are (thoughts search for word) something that people use. Woah, a mental stumble in words, I wonder how oftne I do that? I don't think I realize when taht happens, that reminds me of foreign languages- I like foreign languages. rightnow I'm taking dutch- but spanish is the one I'm most versed in. I think in spanish sometimes, its kind of fun, and I have always found it interesting that someone could actually think in another language then they'er own. I used to think when I was a little kid that that would be impossible- then I though itd be incredible, now that I can do taht it just seems like fun, I like it, it feels. Comforting somehow. I'm not sure why. it must be because my goal is to be fluent in as many languages as possible- though I'll probably do only four or five- someone in my class has a father that knows seven. I find hat amazing, it's simply amazing what the mind is capable of. Medicine is fascinationg to me, not just the cure type, but the physiological aspect of the human boday, and the relation so the psychological part of the human body, has always fascinated me, even when I was younger. I suppose I've always had a fascination with biology and the like and that is what has led me to this point in my life. its like my whole life up to this point has guided me to this exact path, and in a way, to this exact moment in time. perhaps only to point me in another direction. (looks up at light) not all the lights in this library are lit, I wonder why. maybe its because it would be too bright, or maybe because the sun is still out, or maybe some of them burnt out. I wonder if there's a pattern. (searches for pattern) no, there doesn't appear to be a pattern. not lit. lit lit lit lit lit lit not lit not lit lit all the way down the row, lit lit lit lit partially lit not lit lit lit lit lit all the way down the row (lost her place) ah well. worth a shot. I search for patterns in things a lot- very scientific like. that one police officer told me I sounded like a doctor. he asked me what I was going to ut to be and I said I was going to major in biology and become a doctor and he said "You sound like a doctor, in the way you tlak" I though that was kind of weird at first, but very logical. I am analytical by nature and tend to use larger words than many people, though they are not always right in my head- when I say them they come out right, and not only that but I love biology, and finding out what makes us tick, and wen I'm in an argument I try to see all the sides- and to see what's underneath it all. for instance I try to see what the ohr person is saying and why. what makes them say that. why they say it the way they do- I'm going to like this class- I like psychology. psych= mind. ology= the study of. I was in medical terminology. actually the class was called health science tech, but the main part was about medical terminology and working in the clinical setting, I worked at the hospital but instead of money I got grades, particiapation grades reall. it was fun, even the parts most would consider gross. I enjoyed it- but I don't think I want to be one of thos doctors tthat work in the hospital. I think my typingg is louder than everyone else in this library, the keys aren't the easiest to push. they stick a little, on some letters more than others. they're like keyboard keys that get stuck because you were careless and spilled soda on them, but a little looser. they're not quite tahat stick at all. but still they seem so loud. The guy outside in orange is drinking coffee- I like orange soda. its my favorite color and soda, good stuff. I wonder how much time people spend observing things outside their little bubble. if people had a bubble of consciousnes, it would be their immediate surroundings. just basically what they can touch, or what they can comfortably read. I wonder how many people ake time to see beyond that and what they're like. what type f people they are, if people really do have type. basically, what they're like inside. ar they analytical, whimsical, forward thinking? are they lacadaisical? what are they like? am I really one of them? I kind of think I might be or maybe one that is in between that and the other. maybe I'm right in the middle of two extremes like fire and ice, heaven and hell, earth and water.

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tj just got home and made his coffee. It smells good. I should have made coffee instead of drinking 3 cupsof Earl Gray tea because after two cups I have to pee every 10 to 15 minutes. Is it going to flood again. Looks like it is going to rain more. Ihope the tropical depression doesnt stall causing flooding again. We were sooo close last Nov. Itis about time for a nap. all this reading to do toady. That has to be completed today. My school schedule sucks. My work schedule sucks. Added together = triple sucking. I have NO reading time. I need to settle mom's affairs to that I don't have towork this semester. Rick will help me if the probate isnt over. He is truely manic depressive. His birthday upsetting him so he bought his 57 inch TV and now after the New Orleans deseaster his new Mercedes. Could it be from his Zoloft that he is taking for his premeture ejaculation condition? If your mental state is fine and you takean anti depressant for a medical condition (non mental), can that cause a mental condition itself? Was he trueful with me on the ture purpose for taking Zoloft? Or, is he a scheemer? The plane flying over triggered my thought that I can't beleive that it has already been a year since that traumatizing pictures on TV of 9-11. I have to pee already but I can't since this is timed. But I need to really badly, now that I thought of it. Dinner. What shall I make? Should I save my time and just order Pizza? I hope that my wallet that was stolen in New orleans arrives Monday. I hope that the receipts that I need to return those books are still in it. I am soo thankful that there are still good, honest people left in this world and that one found my wallet. He said that there was no money in it but what other stuff that was in the bill compartment is still there. I need to send that guy something as a thank you for your trouble to send it back to me. What should I send him? Money for the acutal cost of sending my wallet to me and maybe a gift certificate, but from where? I was soooo careful, making sure that my back pocket was buttoned at ALL times, almost like an obsession - constantly checking the button. Leson learned though, don't have your , never mind, strangers shouldn't have to read that thought. I hope nothing is wrong with my niece. I hope that she is not upset that I couldn't chat with her while typing this. Only 5 more minutes left. my laundy is ready to be taken out of the dryer. 4 minutes left to keep typing. I may have to restart the dryer to keep my clothes from wrinkeling. Why did I stop ironing all my clothes all the time. But it feels soooo good to not worry about little stuff like that anymore. I am pleased with the present me; although it is a VERY differnt me. Overall, I am pleased with the present. Getting over Moms death is comming along nicely. Still have my mommy moments though. I guess I always will. Im just glad that the urge to call her every sunday, like I have for years, has stopped. That was VERY irritating every sunday not getting to hear her voice. I miss her. But, thats the consiquence of love. Losing them one day. But man, the number of people that I have lost is astonishing. Damn you Reagan!!! so many deaths on your shoulder.

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Sometimes I wonder what everything is worth in the big scheme of things. Growing up, making friends, going to school, learning amazing things, falling in love, and well, I guess living in general. What is our purpose here. to consume as much food as possible on a daily basis, to desire nothing but to be rich, spoiled, to care not for our neighbors, but for what kinds of cars we drive. I wonder if that was His plan when this all started or if we've really messed up. In a sense, we've grown as far from following in his steps as possible and it's really scary to me. As a follower of the times, my faith in Him has also declined as the years have gone on. Well, on to another aspect of worthiness. friendships. Although necessary for life, and powerful while they last, why do all friendships seem to come to an end. Whether it is due to personal reasons or unplanned ones, each and every friendship must reach an end at some time. As I entered high school, I was very afraid of my future, of the immensity of my school, and the immensity of my life. But I realized that life is only as big as you make it. If you choose, you can have a closeknit group of friends or a large selection of various types of friends. its up to you. But back to my point. I made many friends in high school, but only a handful that will continue to have my friendship as I've moved to the next step in my life. My five best friends, my girlfriend, and a few others are only a hundredth of the people that I knew in my high school days, but now they are most likely out of my life forever, not by choice, but by nature. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited to be in college and out of high school, but I don't think that I realized what I was losing. My best friend with whom I spent countless days after school shooting hoops, watching movies, ordering pizza, and just hanging out decided to go to another school than me. I didn't realize how much I would miss him until he left. When I see him for the first time, it's going to be a relief, but when will that time come, and it's only going to last for short period of time. My girlfriend also chose another school, but hers was four states away. I knew leaving her would be most difficult, but I underestimated the pain. I miss seeing her every day and hearing about the intricate details of her life. what she had for breakfast, how her math test was, what she wore to school, when she got off work, how her family was, and many other little things that are often ignored when someone is around all the time. I feel like I don't know her as well as I used to and I wonder if I ever will. The leaving cut our relationship short, which also makes me wonder if our ever after will ever have a chance to grow. I guess the point of this is that sometimes we don't realize what we have until it's gone. and maybe realizing is worse, or maybe it's better, I don't know. Anyhow, I wonder why we're here, and maybe being away from everyone will help me figure it all out. But for now, I guess my hopes and dreams will drive me to care not what everything is worth, but to be happy that we get a chance to be here, happy we get a chance to grow up, make friends, go to school, learn amazing things, fall in love, and, of course, be alive!

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He will be nineteen this Saturday. I think I am going to go crazy trying to get something for the boy who has everything. He just left my dorm room. and we just had a fight. he is going to his apartment to check if his dog made a mess on the carpet. I think he likes his dog more than me sometimes. I am listening to the soundtrack of the tape that I do yoga to because it soothes me. when I do yoga I am so calm. I actually feel very centered and like my whole body is in a perfect line when have finished the whole tape, its an hour long and it really is a workout. my mom got me started on yoga, she's totally addicted now. I am too, but I'm going into withdrawal because there is nowhere in the castilian where I could do it. I am going home to Dallas this weekend and I'll get to see my whole family!! my mom will make some really good dinner for me because she thinks I'm starving here. I'm not but there's just nothing good to eat. everybody loves the food that their mom cooks them though. I went home last weekend too. the people down the hall are being so noisy . I want to change this CD, I think I just fell into a trance. I do think I was in a trance this morning in biology. my roommate was up until 6 this morning doing some paper and she kept waking me up. she takes a lot of my stuff without asking , and that's not cool. Oh well , she's cool otherwise. I've got other homework to start now so I don't keep her up tonight!!!

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Okay, I just started writing or well I guess typing. I am still kind of emotionless because I just woke up. You know how when you first wake up and you just need to go to the bathroom but after that you don't know what to do. I'm not hungry or thirsty or anything. I am kind of cold though, because the fan is right over my head. I have a pretty good feeling because I got to this page alot easier than I thought I would. Right now the only thing I really think about is a situation I am in. I am dating this guy and he's really great, but he keeps asking where our relationship is going and I don't really know. The big problem is that this guy I dated off and on for over a year is about to be transferred (he's in the Army) to Kaline which is pretty close to here and he calls and writes but never asks if I am seeing anyone new. I don't know if this is because he doesn't care and just wants to be friends or if he just assumes that I am waiting for him. Knowing him he will probably expect me to drop anyone I happen to be involved with as soon as he moves down here. This is something I normally would not mind doing, but I really like this guy I am dating so I don't know what to do. My bathroom is making the weirdest noise right now. I probably need to have that checked out. I am having to shift positions right now because I am not very comfortable and my neck is starting to hurt. Now my nose itches so I have to rub it. My room is a huge mess because they just set up my computer and won't let me throw away any of the boxes so they are piled up in my room until I have the chance to take them home. My hands are starting to shake a little so I must be getting hungry. My roommate should be getting back from class pretty soon and maybe she will make me something to eat. I kind of don't like it when she is in the kitchen though because she tends to make a pretty large mess and it tends to take her a few days to clean it up. You can't really say anything to her because she gets real defensive and it starts a fight. I really miss my cat, Black Jack, I have had her since I was two and she is BEAUTIFUL!!! I think my twenty minutes are about up and I am really hungry, so I'm going to end this. BYE!!

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Why do I have this pimple? Why does it matter what people look like so much? I am sure that if we were all turned in inside out, and what was inside of us was on the outside, well first of all, we would look pretty damn disgusting, but if who we were was on the outside of our body, the world would be better. I am sure that there wouldn't be as many people wanting to show off their "body", because their new "body" would be who they were, and not everyone is happy with who they were. I went to my first college frat party last night, and it was one of the worst nights of my life. My best friend and I had this inclination to go there and do nothing but talk to people. He has a girlfriend, and I just didn't want to meet a girl there for other than friends purposes. It was HORRIBLE. It was crowded as heck, the music was too loud, so that in order for anyone to even understand you, you had to use a megaphone, and to be socially "accepted" you had to have a beer in your hand. Now, one might think that would be an excuse, but I didn't see, but 15 out of at least 200+++++ without a beer. For some reason, I want to spell beer, bear, but don't let me please. Thanks. :o) Well, it was so dumb. My best friend and I walked around the whole time just walking, because in this one room, the music was so damn loud you had to use a megaphone to talk to people, and I'm not all about that. I am not the stud who has all the looks, but can't talk to people worth a damn. It doesn't matter though, if you are that stud, because the girl is too busy dreaming about your looks that she doesn't give a poop what you are saying. I am more a people person. I like to make people laugh. I don't do it on purpose, like go out of my way to make people laugh, but it's the way I am. I have this quirkiness (thanks Sooze) about me, but I love it. I don't want to be that stud that can't talk, because I am pretty happy with myself, until last night, when I had this feeling going into this party that girls in general had changed. My whole life, I have been nice, and I go by the saying "Nice guys finish last". I had this feeling that it might all change in college, but the answer is "nope". I was at my friends house, and her roommates were all telling me that it had changed, and that girls now were looking for long lasting relationships, and they didn't want all that highschool bullshit that they had gone through before. Okay, I know this sounds superficial, but these weren't bad looking girls either. Two were pretty darn cute, and the third wasn't too bad at all, so it isn't that the (excuse me god for saying this) more ugly girls were saying this, but they were girls that you would classify as pretty hot and tempting. I hate using the word ugly, and I hate judging people. I don't. I always hear my friends going up, and saying "Aaron, how in the hell does that guy have that beautiful girl, when he is so damn ugly". Okay, first of all, I am thinking that they are jealous, but evenso. Why? Why does it matter what he looks like? Why can't he be a nice guy, who finally beat the system, and found himself a gorgeous girl that appreciates who he is. How he treats her. What he does for the world. What is up with this world? I NEVER say that shit, because there is no reason for it. I hate saying "oh, he is ugly" and just making fun of people in general, because if you look at me, I am not the best looking guy on campus, and I have no right in heck to say that. I HATE HATE when my friends say it. But, it's the world. College was supposed to be different. The time for me (the outgoing quirky boy) to make some friends, and go out and have fun. It hasn't quite been that, and granted, I have only been here for a couple of days, but I am scared. I am scared that it is going to be like this for the rest of the year. I mean, I go out and meet people, but I don't know when or how to ask for their number, because it's just too weird in my eyes. We say when we leave "See you around", but have you realized the size of this campus. It's freakin' amazing. There are 50,000 students here, and it is atrocious as to how big this school is. It was supposed to be different. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't have 12 eyes, and I have all my teeth, but it is still the same as in high school. I get befriended by the girls, which honestly is fine with me, because well, maybe it isn't. Maybe it would be nice to be gawked over for once, and maybe it would be nice to be wanted by a few girls here and there, but as of yet, it hasn't really happened. It's not that I am looking at all, because I am in love with Sooze, but it would be nice to have that feeling that when I walk into a room, people stare. I promise you this. if who we were was what we looked like on the outside, I would get those stares. Thank you for your time.

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well I'm sitting in the library doing the writing assignment for psychology class. This is really fun. I just finished writing down my notes for astronomy class because I have a quiz in there on Thursday. I went home this past weekend. Nothing really exciting happened. I visited with my family for memorial day. My cousin was nominated for homecoming queen. Wow. Not. Anyway yeah. I'm back now. It was weird having to pack to go home. I saw a movie over the weekend, wicker park was the name of it. It was really good. I thought that it wasn't going to be that good but I really liked it, it was a love story and I'm always a sucker for those. well the time is going by really slowly. I want to get back to my room so I can watch my favorite TV show of all time. Big brother. it's almost over so it's getting exciting. I don't think I spelled that right. O well. This is the easiest assignment I think that I've ever been assigned. Wow. 20 min is a really long time. I still have 15 more minutes to go. ummm. I've been in the library a really long time. And I still need to finish the pre-screening survey for this class so I can get experiment credit. I'm really tired. My friend Jennifer is sitting next to me. She already did the assignment. I wish I was in my bed right now. I'm always tired these days. I'm liking college so far. I miss home sometimes and it seems like I miss it at the weirdest times but I think I'm adjusting pretty well. At least I think so. I left my medicine at home so I'm having trouble breathing. But my mom is sending it to me so I can feel better soon. I have to go to a UT football game for an assignment in my freshman seminar class but I didn't buy a sports package which by the way I think is the stupidest think I've ever heard of. I think if you're a student then you should be able to get into the game for free but what do I know. Anyway so I need to find somebody with an extra ticket that they want to give me. um I like all my professors except my freshman seminar prof. He picks on me because I'm quiet and I don't talk much. I hate when teachers do that. It really bugs me . I like listening to people talk. O man I still have 8 min to go. Blah blah. um a little while ago this guy was sitting next to me and he kept farting. It smelt so bad. Luckily he left because I don't think I would have been able to take it much longer. well now I can't think of anything to write so maybe I'll sing a song. "on Monday I'm waiting, Tuesday I'm fading and by Wednesday I can't sleep. Then the phone rings I hear you and the darkness is a clear view because you've come to rescue me". That was Ashley Simpson. I like her because she has the same name as me even though she doesn't spell it the right way. That's ok I guess I can forgive her. I like her sister, Jessica, too even if she is a dumb blond sometimes but at least she's herself unlike so many other people I know that try to copy what other people do and they can't come up with a unique thought if their live depended on it. Well I only have 3 minutes left. Thank goodness. It seems like I've been typing forever. Well my hand are getting tired of typing and I keep misspelling stuff so I have to keep on pressing the backspace button and I'm really tired. I've already said that but that's all I can think of right now. My eyes keep wanting to close. Good only one more minute and then I'm going to go and take a nap. O wait I can't. I have too much reading to do. That's all I do these days is read, read, read, and then I read some more. bye

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I have a paper to start writing for English, and I'm dreading it because it will be very hard. It's about the short story "A Room of One's Own" by Virginia Woolf. In that story she also wrote in sream of conciousness so that is kind of weird. I really do not like the book at all. It's incredibly boring. It takes a feminist standpoint of women writers, and since I am not a feminist and only took that class because it was all that was open (I wonder why),I cannot relate to the anger Woolf seemed to have about there not being many women writers. Now, I am trying to figure out exactly what else to write about in this paper. It is really hard for me. I did the other assignment first because I found it much easier to do then this one. I don't completely understand exactly what I am supposed to be writing about, but we did stream of consciousness in my AP English class last year, and I think that it's all about writing exactly what the thoughts are that come into your head as they come into your head. My geography class is awful. the teacher is so boring. I've almost fallen asleep every time I go into that classroom. I decided to sit closer today to try and pay closer attention to what he's saying. I wonder if it's just a myth that the closer you sit the more you pay attention. Maybe that could be a psychologiacal survey we do- if one has not already been done on that. Now, I have again drawn a blank in what to say. it's so much easier to think when you don't have the pressure of having to write it down. I think my fried Alison is mad at me. She goes to A&M, and I had to write her an email about A&M's unfortunate loss to FSU yesterday. It's not like she hasn't made fun of UT. I feel like I'm back in Jr. high! Alison and I have been friends forever- actually only since 9th grade but it sure feels like forever. I miss my friends at home. I feel like we've gotten so distant from each other and it's only been a week since I left. I talked to my friend Ann last night, and she was distant to me also. We just didn't have much to say, our lives are completely different from each others now. It's so weird how much people change from each other when you change their surroundings. I guess we were so much alike because we were constantly together. that could have a big effect on things, huh? I wonder how long my friendships with people will last. The only one that seems to be maintaining right now is with someone that I wasn't even very close to this year- it's so odd to me how that happens. This twenty minutes sure is taking a long time to end! I have to go put some money in the bank today. Actually I have a ton of errands to run today, but I need to finish my homework first. I still have a lot of pages to read in "A Room of One's Own" even though it was supposed to be read by today. Oops! Then I have that awful paper to write over it. I mean who really cares about Mary Carmichael, Mary Beton, and Mary Seton? I don't even know how to start writing it, I don't even completely know what I'm supposed to write about. Well, it's been twenty minutes and my thoughts are becoming jumbled so I'm going to stop writing now.

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Right now I am wondering how can I fit into college. I am wondering what is it that makes people think different than other people. Why is it that some people can do their homework right when they get it and other people procrastinate until the very last minute. Now my mind is totally blank. I am wondering why I cannot connect my thoughts to reach a conclusion. I am I going to be judged by how I write this. Does this accurately reflect my intelligence level. Again I am stopped by the nothingness that I am thinking. Its as if at one moment I am this intelligent individual and the next I am this ignorant fool that cannot manage to continuously write for twenty minutes. As I sit in my dorm writing this I am wondering whether or not I could be doing something else more fun. It is quite lonely in this room. For the most part I think what would solve a lot of my problems is a girlfriend. Someone to talk to that will fill this uncertainty of who I am. For the most part I have never been in love with a girl. What I want is exactly the opposite. I am ready for a relationship. Now instead of going on about this I am reflecting on what I just said. I am thinking is there something wrong with me because all the things seem so negative. But there are also very good things also. I think about how lucky I am to get such a great education from this university. I realize that not many people have this chance. I hope to really discover who I am in the next four years. I think that maybe the reason I have been writing all these negative things is because I am sick. I have a really bad cold and maybe it is effecting the way I think. Ok on to a different topic. I was just watching the road rules on MTV and they were talking about how your childhood effects you later in life. I think this is the perfect case with me. In my family we never really showed any emotions. Not once have I ever told my mom that I love her. Maybe that is the reason it is so hard for me to get into a good relationship. I feel that my relationship with my parents is exactly like my relationship with anybody else that I have been close to. I don't really open my self up to anybody. All my emotions are behind a wall of shyness. My mom always said that I was shy. Maybe she negatively reinforced why I am so shy. But enough about that. I was just thinking about an amazing experience that I had with my dad last week. I was in my parent's room playing guitar. My dad comes in and starts playing along with me. My dad and I don't really do many things together so this was one of the most emotional experiences in my life. I was happier than ever before. My dad took the time to show me some new tricks on the guitar as I played along with him. It was such an amazing experience. Well I think that I have run out of time.

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I don't want to go home. I have to take the stupid bus back to campus but I'm too lazy. I'm hungry but I already ate so much I'm gonan get so fat it sucks. no exercise and just food the perfect college experience. dude I'm bored there's nothing to do around here when you don't have a car. I want my car back I miss my baby can't wait until I go back to plano and nadia is pissed off because her stupid phone doesn't have service in her apartment and her apartment sucks. there's no cold water in the shower so I got burned like crazy this morning how am I going to take a shower tomorrow if there's no cold water and the maintenance people didn't fix it yet they're probably going to come tomorrow early in the morning and wake me up and they are screaming like stupid girls and I think shara just got hit in the boob. ha ha how funny. ok its just her leg. gosh we have no life. there's nothing to do aorund here. we just sit here and do nothing and they just scream and we;re going to get fat . I think we should work out. walking around campus is exercise I guess but it doesn't really do anything. I need to work out so bad but I'm too lazy and I don't know wat else to say . I dotn feel like goign to class tomorrow because there's no point in going to chemistry because all his notes are online and he doesn't really expand on it and its so boring and its a one and a half hour class and I want to sleep and I just sit there and stare at nothing its so retarded. I don't get why classes are so boring there's no point in taking a chemistry class if I'm going to be a business major and my friends are being so freaking loud and I can't concentrate and I don't know what I'm typing I'm not even paying attention. there's this girl who got in a car accident and the air bag blew out her eye and she's suing hte company or something I don't know. I think that's really cool. Sort of I don't know I'm runnign out of thigns to say and its only been about 6 mins. how can I do this for 20 mins its impossible I don't think that much. haha that just made me sound really retarded . I think someone in my friends freshman seminar is gay. she's so mean. she doesn't want to hang out with ditzes . don't know how to spell that. there's this grl in psych that wants to form a study group. I don't even know her and I don't my phone just rang and I and we just had a wing dinner and I didn't go and my roommate went to another wing and its so retarded. I don't really want to go and we'll going to get fat. I think my roommate thinks I don't want to stay in my dorm because I haven't been back there in like a week. she might think I don't like her or somthing and my wing advisor doesn't know me she asked my friend told me she asked if she was me. I'm runnning out of stuff to say why are we doing thing. Is there a point . don't htink tat was really smart to say but tats what I'm thinking and this is the assignment so I wrote it. my friends think all I think about is sex alcohol my suicidal lova with and an "A" and they're laughing at nothign its so weird. there are two lesbians on the bed behind me its kind of kinky. gosh this is so retarded. I hope you don't read this because I have no idea wat I'm saying. we are depressed. We realized today thanks to our psych class. all we do is eat sleep do nothing think about sleeping think about partying and doing stuff but we don't and we just sit and eat and do nohting. and htink about classes that we should go to but don't which is really bad since we;re paying for these classes . And now the stupid lesbians are asking each other how many fingers am I holding up and they think I have blonde hair because they found one one the bed. that shows how stupid they are. its probably nadia's because she's a total blonde on the inside and out. and now they're talking about this guys butt and how he wears really tight pants. and how they want their guys friends cloths and now they're imitating how their friends stand this is so stupid I have like 5 mins left and now they want to watch porn. we watched one the other night it was so funny. it was my first time like a few days ago and now they're talking about how we sleep. shara is always squishing me against the wall. And nadia like elbows me. O I have to get tickets for plano tm. Because I'm going back this weekend to see my friend whos leaving for harvard on Saturday so smart. and she just got her cartilage pierced today with my other friend. they're such wusses. They called me and were like freaking out and asking me if it hurt and stuff and I'm like. just freaking do it. And I told them not to call me until they did it. So they did. Took them long enought. gosh 3 more minutes. can't wait until I go to plano. Get my car and probably going to see some friends and hang out and stuff. Stupid dylan piss me off. Gosh why can't he just cooperate once in a while gosh. Its so stupid . I just don't understand him sometimes. nadia wants to put my hair in pigtails and she'll pay me to go to class like tat she said she'll make me dinner but she can't cook if her life depended on it. she made these intstant mash potatoe thngs and it came out wet and dry at the same time and it was kind of grainy and stuff. It was the grossest thing I have ever tasted . and she even screws up instant noodles. she doesn't add enough water and it comes out dry and salty. Ok only 30 mor seconds. just drag it out . Type slower . And now they're talking about their stupid eyebrows and how crappy a wax job it was and she keeps looking at it and tis

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The one thing that I miss here at school is my drums. I couldn't bring them with me to college because there is no where to put them. I used to play in a band and people used to tell me that I was really good but then I stopped playing and I got worse. When they were always there for me to play I never wanted to but now I wish I could play them more than anything. My best friend is a drummer but he always kept on practicing and he got really good. So good that now he is moving to Maryland to join a band. The band he is joining is pretty successful death metal band and they have two albums. I miss my friend and I hope that he is doing alright up there. He left all of his friends and family back in San Antonio and he doesn't know anyone in Maryland except for his band members and he really doesn't know them too well. I wish I could go up and see him and watch his band play since I am a big fan of death metal music. I listen to all types of music but death metal is definitely one of my favorites. I don't like it when people talk bad about death metal when they don't even know anything about it. I want death metal artists to be able to someday get rich off there music like all of the other pop artists. Because the talent that comes along with death metal music is remarkable.

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Well, unfortunately, I don't really like the way my mind works because it seems to churn in circles but never get anywhere. Some people can just lay back and absorb what's going on around them, but I seem to overanalyze everything that goes on Ð everything that's said to me, any gestures that people make towards me that could be insulting. They are all taken badly. I was dating this guy who got mad because I overanalyzed everything and he said, "Just do what I do and not think about it. " But people don't seem to understand what that means. It doesn't work to tell yourself "Stop thinking about it", because then you're thinking about it. I've talked to people about it numerous times and all they tell me is that I'm wasting away my life because I'm stressing about nothing and getting nowhere and that I need to do something about it because I'm not getting anywhere and I'm getting old fast. When people hear that I'm just starting college and stuff, they say they wish they were in my position, but I wish I was in their position. I wish I had no stupid problems like boys that don't pay attention and friends that get jealous. But even though I say I don't want it, I create drama for my life, and if there's nothing going on, I create problems. I don't really do it intentionally, but I've realized that if a relationship is going great, then I always do something that causes problems or I can't trust that nothing is wrong and so I start blaming people for things and saying they're lying to me. I recently got into (recently meaning more like about the last 2 years) this thing where I thought I needed psychological help and I talked to my parents about seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist, except that it wasn't really a constructive conversation. It was more like I said I was tired of running and getting nowhere and other things that make me mad, but they just sort laughed and said "Don't be silly. " The problem is that I didn't talk to them about anything that was going on, so they didn't know that there was any sort of problem. They thought that everything was perfectly normal and that I didn't really have any sort of problems. But I was looking in a book store for something about the psychology of love, just because it interests me, but instead I found something on the bargain shelf for 99 cents that was about dealing with minor psychological problems in yourself and others. But there's this problem that when I started reading the book, I thought I had all the problems in it. I started with something like OCD, and I related it to my life, and decided that's what my problem was, and then also with bipolar and definitely ADD. So I stopped reading it, because I would be doing something and get angry about it and then quote something from the book and my mom got so tired of it and said it was making problems for me and I should stop reading it. But it was so interesting to me. But I would be reading along and tears would come to my eyes because I would relate so much. Then I would run into some of the disorders I didn't know much about, and relate them too, like autism. So I came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me, and because of it, it was causing other problems, so that I had a combination of lots of things going on in my head. I don't know about all the other things, but I'm pretty much for sure that I have ADD. I did a research project on Ritalin for my senior paper, and that's when I really started getting interested in it. The problem is that my brain is either on or off. I can be completely focused and completely engrossed or I can be completely uninterested and not even know what someone's saying to me. The worst part is that it gets worse when I have PMS, for example, I worked at a restaurant and I went in one morning and was completely scatter brained and couldn't find anything and was just walking around in circles, and the manager said to me, "Wake up," and I got so upset, I thought it was such an insult and after work I went home and cried because I knew I would have to deal with that for the rest of my life. My mind sometimes just leaves my head, and I can't think or concentrate, even on what I'm saying. I'll be in the middle of a sentence and then just get tired of what I'm saying and just stop and say, "You know, whatever. " I meet someone and ask them their name, but then don't listen for the answer, so I never remember anyone's name and I forget things that have just happened, and I know that it's going to last forever, because my mom has it, my grandmother has it, and my cousin is the worst. My cousin was diagnosed with bipolar disease and she was on something, I think it was Prozac, and she had lots and lots of problems taking it. She's a lot better about taking it now, but when she doesn't, her "cluelessness" kicks in worse than ever. So I think the cluelessness is tied into something greater that's a problem with me. My parents are completely against medicine and think it's against Christianity, but I wish my whole family was on medicine. My brother and I both have anxiety attacks sometimes and my mom and dad are just crazy. My mom plays this nice, wonderful housewife that loves everyone and everything, but then she'll go crazy and do things like try and run away for a while and tell me that she almost threw everything from my floor out the window. It is completely like a scene out of the movie American Beauty. I've been brought up thinking that you can have your emotions and that you're entitled to your emotions, but they aren't a public thing. So I used to go into my room and just flip out and cry and fall to the ground and silently scream and they never knew anything was wrong. So when I went to Rhode Island last summer, I was completely messed up. I was living in a dorm with someone, because I was at a summer school kind of thing for art, and so I couldn't get away and cry; there were always people there. I would get my lunch and try to eat with everyone, but I would start to take the first bite and then just start crying because I wanted to go home. I called home all the time and said I thought if I stayed that I was going to die, and I really thought I was going to. well, unfortunately my 20 minutes is up, so I can't talk anymore, but I have about 3 more hours of things to say, if not three weeks.

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Today I am leaving for my grandfather's funeral. I am so sad that he had to pass on. I know that he is in a better place now and can no longer feel pain, but I wish he was still here. Even if he could only stay for a few minutes. I just want to tell him how important he is to me and how much I love him. I would tell him how strong he is and how everyone looked up to and admired him. I wish that I could tell him how jealous I am of him, because his life was so interesting and fulfilled. But, most of all, I would tell him how much I love him. I am not really sad that my grandfather has passed away, I am sad because there is so much left unsaid. I just hope that he already knows everything that I wish I would have told him, before it was too late. I find it so odd that every time someone you know or love passes on, you sit and ponder all of the things that you wish you would've told them and vow to never make that mistake again. But time passes so quickly that you never get the chance to tell everyone that means anything to you that the are important, that they are somebody to you. I guess that my twenty minutes is up.

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First I am wondering why I am doing this assignment - this seems silly but still my mind is always wandering and therefore this should not be difficult. I hope Camille calls me back this evening. I really think I should be a happy guy as long as she stops talking about her dog. She is silly with her blonde hair I am hungry Jester food is so amusing I wonder if I can eat that food everyday after I graduate the girl sitting next to me is very "not amusing" I hope she does not stand up, for she probably wouldn't appreciate what I say about her I wonder if anyone else stares at people they find unattractive she probably thinks I want to take her on a date or something because I keep looking at her, but in reality the only place I would take her is to the zoo and tell her to stay there I don't enjoy typing but I suppose it keeps my fingers from getting fat when I took keyboarding in tenth grade I learned to type fairly fast but the only thing I remember typing in that class was the sentence Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. who said that Kennedy Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country how exciting I would like to think that includes women as well because they can die too oh no the ugly girl just caught me looking at her I acted like I had a bug in my eye she is talking with the girl next to her, and surprisingly enough she is typing the same silly assignment I am I really hope she is in the same lecture class as I am because I would like to sit next to her and ask her why her hair smells so bad is it a lack of shampoo or is it a hereditary flaw either way I remember whey I watched Back to the Future part III when they were in the 1880's I bet everyone smelled back then Clint Eastwood has been in alot of western movies I really do not like this computer because the more I write the more the screen moves over as if the line is a mile long I have written for seven minutes already and I have only written seven lines one line a minute is about as fast as I eat a taco but taco bell has this new hot sauce that they call FIRE how scary I can drink that stuff it is so hot I threw some on our fire in our chimney at home and it put the fire out the girl working at the counter in the computer lab is not amusing either Those glasses she is wearing went out of style when Marsha Brady graduated highschool if she has binoculars she can probably see my screen from her seat so if she kicks me out before twenty minutes I wonder if Mr. Pennebaker would be sympathetic why are there pictures of whales on the wall maybe to remind most of the girls in here they ought not to eat too much I had a girlfriend named Paige Scott in seventh grade and we called her whale but I didn't care because she was so nice That is good All guys should only care about personality to an extent, anyway that's why I like Camille. maybe two or three girls have come through my life that I could honestly say I didn't care what anyone else thought about them because I like them anyway. the last to own that title got pregnant last month so I was kind of angry with her. Most girls would probably break up with their boyfriends when they only offer to pay for 1/3 the cost of an abortion and they spend that money on marijuana I was happy to lend her the money maybe she'll realize she's better off with me anyway because I would have paid for the entire thing and I would have gone through the procedure I God allowed me too how long has it been now ok five more minutes what would you like to know? SUBMIT YOUR PAPER that sounds silly I would rather crumple it up and throw it at my teacher Teachers should tell the class more about themselves so may be I would now rather or not it was acceptable behavior to throw my exams at them. Do they like baseball? I went to look up my friends number at the university of Texas And m but he was not listed. The computer seemed to think he was the head of the alumni or something. Doubt it - he probably won't graduate because he smells too he and Bevo ought to share a bathroom. he used to have a shaved head and a little horn on top. Which reminds me of the dumbest thing he's ever done when he worked at a video store and stole 12 porno movies. His parents are head of the Christian Mission Church or something and they were kinda mad. he has no scruples he had to pay 180 dollars for those movies and he wanted to watch them at my house. Doubt it I don't steal from video stores and I will not agree to his stealing them either, but I did watch this movies at his house. they were exciting I guess one of the girls names was heather Hooters she was pretty but I doubt she was 100% natural is anyone I know going to read this? That's ok cause I am happy with who I am I will tell the whole world I love, well something, I won't mention because if the president of this university knows he will transfer me to a and m. ok I love farming. The sound of the plow chu chu chu through the grass is almost enough to bring me to orgasm. one more minute can you tell I 'm looking at my watch I shouldn't treat this as a paper where I am talking to someone else but rather just with myself but how can I think about anything else when my fingers hurt so much from typing maybe Camille will call but I hope I can hold off on calling her - time to eat - Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. Oops I almost hit the clear button.

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I wonder if the twenty minutes is what they're grading for because I type so slow they'll probably think I only wrote e for five minutes I didn't realize the assignments were due today I thought they were due tomorrow, oh well I wonder if that means if I have to9 finish that damn pretest. I guess so that girl has some funky hair, I can't even type without having to look up its just like bam!!! in front of me, I need a computer at home so I don't have to come to the library all the time. I don't get much done at home though so many distractions what can I make for dinner there s nothing to eat at home, maybe kimchi cheegae but I made that two times already maybe robert got some groceries, we need some onion and garlic otherwise I can't really make much oh shit I need a rice cooker still before I can go and make all this maybe I'll invite Angela over to eat. yeah I wonder when her classes are even over. yeah I can just tell her to bring her rice cooker over and I'll cook, she will probably want to eat Korean food anyway because I'm pretty sure that the Dobie food can't be that good. if it is at all like the jester food, that stuff gives me the runs. I don't know maybe they put supplements in it to reach nutritional guidelines but whatever it is it is not any good for me. the jester people must get used to it part of their body's way off adapting to a new nutritional source. nutrigrain bars are awesome. I'm so damn hungry. they should have a cafe here in the PCL so those late night studies can have some refreshment lemonade that's what I want it's funny how me and Angela have so much in common I bet she is thinking lemonade right now. I wonder what Ben thinks of her? that would be fucked up if they were both lying to me. I guess I just have to trust him. I've known him for so long but sometimes you'd do fucked up things for a girl, I couldn't blame him either because I've done such before also. I regret it of course. this guy told me not to ever regret something you've done because if you keep doing that then it is like you're asking back everything you done in you're life. so you may as well not ever be living it. I didn't even really know him we were just fishing next to each other and ha was old, I wish I could go fishing right now. it relaxes me and all this stuff is stressing me and I need to relax. I guess I could go fishing in freshwater but that can't beat the sun nothing can beat fishing the surf of san Luis pass all night even if you don't catch anything just being there when this sky turns purple then blue then a whole myriad of colors that you can't even describe from yellow to black and than the sun comes and you make your last couple of casts not even caring really to catch a fish kind of a solute to the sun for thanking whatever you caught or didn't catch for next time. ok that's been about thirty minutes and I'm going all philosophical I think I'm done

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ok I begin writing now without thinking about the writing that I'm doing this is so eird why do this why proffessor make us do this will he be reading what we're writing or not and will he be able to see what I'm thinking by just reading. will it offer insight into what my mind works like is it going to help him see what kind of person that I am I miss jun where is she where was she last night I want to have sex with her I want to have a relationship with hertooo this is weird I'm writing dowwn exactly what I'm thinking and it all comes so fast I'm not even thinking like I normally think usually there' ssome kind of method to the way that I do it but now I'm just writing and I'm not even having complete thoughts leading to ideas and resolutions now I want to shift thinking so that I can do some productive thinking or maybe not waste time but I'm stuck on this and I guess I should do what the assignment says jun makes a sound that's so sexy when I lick her earlobe it makes me want to fuck her wow I wonder if anyone will read that and think I'm some kind of pshycho this is so weird I shouldn't care what I write, but my name's on this so I have to worry but I'm sick of worrying about things that's why I drink so that nothing matters that's why I like smoking pot because no worries that's not why I like to have relationships with girls though that's more psychological and I think thati have these relationships because its something to put my energy into to figure out that I'm not into damn I just stopped accidentally owh well now its time for a new stream I need to do this work so that I can get my good grades so that I can get into good school so I can make good money so I can have happy life so I'll be happy but so often to do this I have to do things that make me unhappy I like this classbut not some of my other classes like english where the teacher's a bitch and where I spend the whole time looking at jun because she's a beautiful girl and I want her why do so many of my thoughts concern sex and lust annd anger and fear and worry it would be easier to eliminate the last three this isn't really stream of consciousness writing because I'm actually being much more random in my thoughts than I usually amn so this assignment doesn't make any sense I wonder if thy use this for any psychoanalytical purpose I wonder if other people's writing is similar to minee in any way I guess so since there are fundamental similarities between all human brains and minds that can't be overcome and I'm not that diffeerent from others in that respect I wish I was more like others but not sacrificing the things that are important to me I wish I had a steady girlfriend that always makes me much happier I just met jun and hooked it up with herand now I don't understand the rlationship and don't know if it'll continue and that's frustrating because I want it to and at the same time don't because she's dkind of a slut and might ahve a disease but I lust for her and she's the only girl who's paid me any attention so I really want to have a relationship with her though I'll prbably get hurt and feel like I should never have done it and then I'll be sad again but for now I'm happy when I'm with her and I feeel good when I'm with her and its good I'm still worried that I think about hers o much and that someone will read this that's why these tests are total crap because I have to spend so much time worrying about what the shrink thinks because I ahve this facade to put up for some reason although it won't affect my grade and it won't affect my relationship because I probably won't ever see him agaian and I won't have to face him but STILL I worry why do I do that what am I so afraido of revealing and why ami so afraid of people really knowing what's inside am I that evil and suppressing that much of myself that its making me put up a false front that I think everyone should see why do I opress ok this is really weird I'm starting to get very introspective this is probably not what I was supposed to todo but oh well now I'll be able to keep typing I forgato my ttrain of thought my typing is becomeing more and more flawed because I'm mjust closing my eyes and letting it all flow out on paper fuck jun I'm letting it go I hte something I love something I'm getting in tough cwith emotions I want women I like them they smell good this is funny to whoever reasds this oh well laugh because I guess it really is maybe I'll read it myself afterwords and have a good giggle at myself and maybe that's the point of life to be comfortable withwho you are and what goes on in your head its almost time to stop althought I was just getting very interested int he results and in to what I was writing times up.

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Right now I am realizing how tired I am after such a long day of work. I worked all day today and I think I have sneezed at least 100 times. I wonder if I have allergies. My kitten is crawling across the keyboard. Man, do I type really slow or what. I probably won't be able to type very much in 20 minutes. I am really frustrated with by boyfriend right now. I think that must be a "woman thing. " I don't know. Maybe I am a little hard on him. I don't know. I just really wish he could be more open with me a communicate with me better. I really wish he would tell me how he truly feels about me and about us. I am so frustrated with it all. I be psychologists get a lot of complaints about men from us women. I am really sure of that. I am really realizing that men don't communicate very well about relationships. Unless you are talking about football or cars, you might as well forget. it. I really don't know how to take his comment this weekend that he likes cars better than he likes women. I really take offense to that comment. I really think that that is personally directed to me. I don't know. I know he is not sure about us and I pray all the time that he will know how he feels about things and us, but so far that prayer is sill out there. I really don't know what to do now. I am not trying to make him choose me or hit the road, but I just don't want this to drag on for five years of my life and then end. I just don't want to waste any more time in my life. I know if I would have stayed with my high school boyfriend, we would probably be married by now and maybe even be happy, but things never felt complete with him and I am so glad that I realized that back then. With Stephen, things feel so much more real and I really think that is why things have seemed so much harder. We have been through a lot this past year together. With my whole surgery and illness, he sure was great. A lot of men that might have to deal with a sick girlfriend going through surgery and IV treatments would run and never look back. Not him. Thankfully God gave him the patience to put up with me and stick things out with me and help me get through such a trying time. This past year really has been a trying one. I was in the hospital numerous times, had about 8 inches of my small and large intestines removed, went through a four month new IV treatment and all at the same time tried to find a medication that would help keep my body in remission. I am thankful that I am now in the remission that I have longed for and I think my doctor has found a successful dosage and mixture of medications that are helping keep me stable. God has answered so may prayers and is continuing to watch over me. Being sick has really opened my eyes to a lot and helped me grow so much as a person. I really have had to grow up dealing with such a horrible illness. Its really hard being 21 dealing with a chronic illness that you know there is no cure for and having to deal with it daily, either by pain or medications or doctors. I think I am down to taking about 17 pills a day now. I was taking about 25. Stephen said I would jiggle when I walked. I think I still do. My doctor is continuing to decrease my medications thankfully. Looking at the clock my time is up. Hope this doesn't bore you too much. Take care!

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I'm glad I'm doing this assignment right now, I can't wait until Friday so I can get hammered That's the guy that was eying me like I was going to steal something it's kind of hot outside I wonder if I should change before we go to Bennigins tonight. Did I spell Bennigan's right? I hope I did the second time. Young Buck is a good lyricist. It's too bad he doesn't get that much shine. I feel like I'm going to get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from all this typing. General, I salute. Lloyd Banks is good too. Damn, It's already seven o'clock and I'm just barely getting started on homework! This running nose sucks. I picked a hell of a time to do this. I don't know why I get sick so often. I'd be great if I had health insurance. Why is that fool looking at me like that. What does he think I'm going to do? He just doesn't know. Damn my muscles are so sore and I'm so tired. I got a good workout today. I like to reflect on my day towards the end, It's just what I do. Shit what the fuck do I do now? I lost track, but now I'm back on track like a train. The Little Engine that Could is what you COULD call me. LOL that was so lame! Why is Ben laughing? I don't why I'm writing the dumbest shit. I'm pretty smart. I must be, I got into UT. Hook 'Them Horns! Get off the phone! Stop talking. What's up? What's up? What's Up? Martin! They don't know me up in here. Who do you love? I love myself. I got sunshine on a cloudy day, when It's cold outside, I got the month of May. Too bad it's on September. Just two more weeks and I turn 20. That's going to be crunch, yaw know. Hell yeah! My nose is stopping to run. There are a lot of hot girls in my Psych class. Shit, there better be, there's fucking 500 plus people in that class. Why do people look at me funny. I think it's the way I dress. Just thuggin it up. Oh hold up dog, you better let me in. Fuck that let's get in started come on, let's begin. I don't even know what to say next. I smoke everyday because I stay stressed. And stay dressed, fly fresh to death, head to toe until the day I rest. Just give me some air forces and fitted hat to match matter of fact give me two of those with a white new era, now who dares to. Even approach me. I'm known in the ATX, but in H-Town it's locally, express myself vocally cause I fight with words I ain't the one wild in out stay tight on curbs swerve right in burb, high like them birds. I'm feeling kind of lucky, you could call me Larry, you call me anything. Homie I don't ball with jokes so you could me anything, just don't call me broke. Most hated M to the is-h phenomenal get up and get straight in your abdominal I'm warning you, stop your blood clot, and keep your mouth shut, stop talking shit you don't know what I'm about OK now I'm back, used to be little, but now I'm stacked like change on the dresser and spot the fakes, the streets is like a jungle you got to watch these snakes, cause they'll come up and bite yaw, act like they like yaw, pour gasoline on yaw then ignite yaw, start the fire, just like Banks, my pockets fill with money just like Banks and dating girls who model, just like Banks

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My first week at UT has been okay despite the humid weather, long walks to class, and lack of sleep. Already I am behind on most of my reading assignments. My math homework which is due Sunday is incredibly hard. Other than that, I have met new people and taken part in new experiences. For example I have never shared any of my stuff with anyone. But when I came to UT, I must share everything, including a dorm room, ethernet cable, printer, etc. with my friends, roommate, strangers, etc. Life here is so different. There are so many types of people and the population of economics and psychology are overwhelming to me. The size of those classes is just a little smaller than my graduating class in high school. Another problem is that I must force myself to wake up in the mornings and walk to class. Right now my roommate is asleep which I am busily doing my homework and yet I am still behind. I can even hear her snore. Sometimes this is very distracting to me; however, you must learn to cope with these dilemmas. I have never understood why I chose to come UT. I have realized that getting into the business program is not that important because I am not the only one that got in. I guess I came here because my friends did. They influenced me that going to UT was cheaper than if I went out of state to UC Davis. I took their advice, although sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision. Last night, some of my friends tried to convince me to attend a frat party. I knew she was never like this in Arlington. I knew she was curious about what it was like, but everyone should know what to expect at one of these parties. I am glad I didn't go. I am feeling overwhelmed, scattered, and tired right now. I hear noises of people doing laundry, the air conditioner, the stupid building fans that are spinning below my dorm, etc. The lighting in here is horrible because I don't want to turn on the light in case it would wake up my roommate. Although I am somewhat considerate of others like my roommate, are they considerate of me? I always clean up my messes, but she hardly ever does. For example if my hair is left in the bathtub, I always wash them down the drain and when water splashes out from the sink I clean it up, but will she do the same for me. I guess not since her hair is always laying around in the sink and her items take up most of the tub and sink area. Well, I guess this is what it is like living with another person. I tend to complain a lot about things. Maybe I do this because I am stressed out or really mad at something. Sometimes on these assignments it is really hard to describe what you are feeling. When I was given this assignment in high school psychology, we had a certain word amount that had to be obtained. So I used ands and ums as additional words. Twenty minutes is actually a long time to write such an assignment. I am still thinking about what to write. There are so many things I need to finish. One for example is my calculus homework. So as my twenty minutes is about to end, I hope UT will bring me many great memories.

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I really don't konow waht to write about and I have already misspelled like a lot of words because i am a horrible typer. Man i type slow. I havent done anything all day adnd it has been quite great. I was in this exer experiment and a it was totally boring. It was called I'm on fire , but it had nothing to do with fire. I sat in a little room. You know for days I have been thinking to myself about e what I was going to write on my paper and actually it is a lot easier than i thought. We read Faulker senior year and we had to write in the stream of con science so that is why I am not correcting my mistakes because she won't let us . She said it would stop our train of thought. The people next to us have to loudest music. I am in my room adnd I can totally hear the music perfectly. Good thing that they listen to music I like. Twenty minutes is actually a real long time because I have been typing for awhile and it is like only 2 minutes in to the thing. I think I miss hiome. I am from a small town and Austin is huge. It is different a,and I do like it. I get sick of people asking me though. Do you like it here ! I mean I have only been living here for what like a two week time period adn already they expect me to know if I enjoy it. I haven't even gotten out and done that much. Is gotten a word. Oh well! I really feel weird in some of my class too. I mean I graduated with 171 people and that seemed real big to me. I knew everyone and it was nice. I came to UT because I wanted something different. i wonder who is at the door. I t is John. He owes me money. He is from Paris too. Oh I'm rich i got ten dollars that is sad. Bye John ! It was our friends birthday adnd and we spilt how much we gave him. I gave ten adnd John gave ten. Anyway this is boring. I thought this would go by much faster. My room mate Valerie types fast. I can hear her as she talks on AOL messenger. I moos every time she pushes return. That is a little annoying , and I think it is funny because she laughs at the screen. I know she is laughing at what someone is saying , but it is funny. What am I going to wear tonight to my Lonestar meeting. I want to look nice ,but not too nice you know. I am talking to this computer like it is a person and not where I do assignments. I am also typing like I talk and not how I write which is a little weird. I think it is funny because I'll be typing one thought and another thought will pop in my mind. Last night my Kiddie Lit class was fun. She read us children's books which is awsome. I think it would be cool to write a children's book adn draw pictures for it. My hands look funny when I type because I have to hunt and peck. I took a typing class one summer ,but it didn't help. That sucks because I paid money to learn how to type. MOO MOO is all I hear and that does get old. I hope JHohn did not think I was rude since I didn't stop typing. I bet he understood because I said it was for school so he probably doesnt mind. I wish I had one of my mom's cookies. She is mailing me and my friends away at school cookies. She said she put them in the mail today. My room mate is funny. She makes funny sounds like EEK and eats foods I have never seen before. Oh Well. I typed my mom an email today to give her a bible verse because she sends me one everyday. My room mate just left to go to class. I am glad I do't have class today. I hate grammer. i never know where to put a comma dn and when I stop to type a word with a comma or some form of puntuation, I forget what i was going to say. Hey you can back space on this and correct mistakes. Oh well to late now. One of the girls in class said she backed spaced and had to start over , so i thought you couldn't do it. It is weird I just now wrote down that you could back space when i just backed space like forever ago and didn't think anything of it. I am thinking nothing. Is that possible? I did not think your mind could just quit working like that , but it is possible to be blank I guess. Well, I like this assignment. it does not require that much thought. That beep on her clock really hurts my ears . It is like a dog whistle i think. I can't hear a dog whistle ,but is what I think one probably sounds like. I wish I could meet more people. At my school back home I know everyone. i am the funny loud girl ! Here though I am all quiet. I wonder why? It might be that I have known the people at home for a long time , so I am comfortable around them enough to be crazy and be be me. Here though I don't know any one and I think i actually smile less. Is that normal ? I hope so or not . It really doesn't matter since that is just the way it is . I keep thinking about this boy too. I guess I'll write about it. i have been trying not to think of him, but I can't help it so here it goes. There is a guy here that is like eight years older than me who is from my town. He is like best friends with my cousin, Will. They both decided to come to UT, but Will has already finished and Jobie hasn't. Oh my I said his name and I hope no one sees this. This is kind of like a journal which is weird to me. If people read my real journal they would think I was crazy because I only write in it when I am mad usually. I write sometimes when I am sad or happy, but I usually write or draw when I am mad. i was mad at my ex boyfriend one time and I drew this crazy picture. He saw it and said the person on it all beat up was probably him. He was trying to be smart to one of his friends or funny. Whatever he thinks he is. Sometimes I wonder if I still like him a bit even though I should not because he is a liar and a cheater. We used to be best friends before we went out. Don't ever date your best friend because it always ends up bad. I thought he wouldn't cheat on me even though he has cheated on other girls. i thought he wouldn't because he would have respect for me. i think it is funny that every time I write the word respect that I have to sing the song to get it right. Oh well I guess he didn't have any respect for me though because he did. That is wierd that I can still get mad about this and it has almost been a year since we broke up. I'm glad that we did though even though at the time it sucked. Matthew Cass is fine. Where did that come from. Both my ex boyfriend and Cass go to my church ,so it does kind of make sense that that thought popped in my head. Haha! I have liked Matt since the 4th grade when he lived down the street, but then he dated my sister. THey are the same age. She was like 12 ,and she broke up with him by playing an Ace of Bass song. That is like froever and a day ago. That is weird what you remember. I can like hear the people around me. these walls are super thin. The guys above us do the weirdest things like they make weird noises. It sounds like they are taking golf balls and dropping them on the floor. It is weird. They do it at random hours in the night to which is always funny but annoying I think. Most of my friends are guys so I don't find their stupid things that annoying because I would probably do it too. i am not like a tom boy or anything though. Hey i only have like five mintues though. My two guy friends that came with me down here joined a frat , so we don't really get to hang out as much as we used to. They are at some party getting drunk or on some camping trip. before we came down here , we all agreed we didn't want to go Greek ,but I guess they changed hteir minds. It doesn't like make me mad or anything it is that I feel a little left out sometimes. It is not their fault. i don't really want to go to the parties though because I don't drink. Is parties with and i or an s ? Oh well! I don't know about going Greek. I mean I am sure it would be fun ,but I am not sure it is for me. Sometimes I think I am too fat to join a soroity because all you see is really small girls pledging. It is like trying out for cheerleader. i am not huge or anything. I used to be though. I lost like sixty pounds in high school, but I am still fairly a big girl. I look a lot better than I used to though. My sister has just lost weight and now she calls me fat and tells me I should lose more. She doesn't always come out and say it , but she will poke me or laugh or tell me that i can have her old clothed because they are WAY to small for her. She says they would fit me because I AM SO MUCH BIGGER. That makes me so mad. I wear a 12 usually and that is not that big. Marlyin Monroe wore a 12 and people thought she was beautiful. i am real curvy like her too , so some clothes look funny and it can be hard finding the right fit. It will either fit in the boobs and be too big every where else or fit every where else and be too small in the boobs. Oh well I really don't care because I usually wear blue jeans and a shirt from the goodwill. I love that store. Sometimes you can find the cutest little shirts in there and save money. I haven't shopped in awhile though because now I am a poor college student. I like college though it is different than high school in a good way. The professor here are so funny because they can say what they feel and classes aren't that hard. i am almost finished because I have like 20 seconds left. I thought I would never finish and my fingers would fall off. I tried to write fast at the end ,but now time is up , so I better quit.

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Ok, it's labor day. What a great day. Good thing because I needed to do a lot of homework. Geez, calculus is so easy but they give us too much homework. That baja place really sucked. That's not Mexican food at all! It was way too expensive for the way it tasted. That dog commercial was funny! I have been eating too much Domino's Pizza lately. I'm going to lose all my muscle and just get fat if I keep it up. Halo was awesome last night. 3 Hours for one mission! That's crazy. But it was so much fun. That girl I met is so cool. She's different, and I like that. Hmm, if I try too hard she won't like that and she'll get scared off. If I don't try at all she'll think I don't like her. Girls are so freaking confusing. That chick had a guys name. Mr. Pennebaker is pretty cool and funny. I thought it was going to suck at first. Oh my god that psychology book is starting to get really hard to read. The next chapter talks about all the parts of the brain and I don't think my brain will be able to remember all that stuff. I wonder if that puppy turns girls off? Hmm oh well if they don't like it I don't care. I should get more water because its starting to run out. Is weed really that bad? Hmm, why do so many people do it? I don't know but I don't think it's that bad. Alcohol is probably worst and that's legal. My hand is starting to hurt and it's only been like 6 minutes. I miss my car. It was so freaking fast. Going 125 on the highway was freedom. Now I'm really stressed out and don't know how to relieve it. I want to play halo again. I'm going to try to call her again in like an hour. I hope she isn't too busy. Man I should just wait for her to call me, what if she starts hating me for trying too hard. I want to eat McDonalds later on. And some ice-cream. Damn, then I have to go run for an hour. Why am I starting to hate that. It used to be my favorite thing to do. Well probably because there are so many better things to do here. Church was ok. The singing and piano were freaking awesome! It was a little boring though. Mass in Spanish is better for me. I have to go look for one soon. That'll be better. If god doesn't exist that would suck. That means when we die we just die. We can't dream anymore, we can't think, or do anything. We just don't exist. I can't even imagine that. Because when I am sleeping I am still thinking. What would it feel like to no longer be in existence? Well you wouldn't really feel anything. I'm answering a lot of my own questions. Why does Pennebaker want us to do this. He has his professional degree. He must be pretty damn smart. Maybe he is studying us every time we go into his class. I miss my dog. I hope he is in doggy heaven now. I hate cats, why don't they like me. Hey it's Robert, I'm going to go answer the door. Ok lets turn on the TV. Only 8 minutes left. pp pp shee pp pp shee. He's busting a beat it sounds pretty good. I like coke better than Pepsi. How can anybody not like Adam sander. He is so funny and so is that guy on that god movie. what was it called. Hmm. Hmm. Oh yeah Bruce almighty. what was his name. Ace Ventura no that isn't it. Hmm. Oh Yeah JIM Carrey. he is funny too. Old but funny. Wow will smith looks good for him being so old and all. I want to keep looking that young when I get old. Music is awesome. I've learned so much about what I like since I've gotten here. I think I'm going to learn a lot about myself in this college. I'm glad I got accepted. Actually I like that I got that full scholarship. Man mad TV is funny. they are really good actors. I hope people don't think they are losers because it is really hard to keep a straight face and act so well. We are going to go eat again. Yummy! I hope it is like a burger place or something. Kinsolving food is pretty good. The people there are also really nice. That black guy is hilarious. He is really friendly too. I wonder when I have to take that test for the business school. I think I failed it the last time I took it. GOD she is so pretty. Both of them. Why are girls like that. Why do they lead you on. Even now she is leading me on. Is the new girl my girlfriend now? We do everything that couples do. we go out in public together and everyone has seen us. Does that make us an Item? Maybe. I'm not sure if I want a girlfriend here in college. But the companionship of a female is really good. Having a good girlfriend is hard to find. I hope that girl I met last week will be good friends with me. I can learn so much from her. But she is too attractive and it'll be really hard for me to just be friends with her. I've already kissed her. She let me, so what does that mean? Maybe just friends that think they are attractive. She probably did mean that she doesn't want a boyfriend. Well girls are so confusing. 20 minutes up, time to go eat. Later

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I can't believe he just showed up like that and expected me to let him in of course I let him in anyway. What is this control he has over me? I can't make thoughts work clearly when he looks at me. All I see are blue eyes and red hair. Deep, deep blueness. There I get lost into submission. Is it me? Is it all just something I do to myself? Where are the lines I should be drawing. Why isn't easier to know what the right thing to do is? I wonder if he's sleeping right now? I know he's home. Maybe I should knock on his window until he wakes up and lets me sleep next to him? His room is so close just right down stairs. I know he look up at me every night through his window. He's sees everybody I let in. I'll have to remember in the future the consequences of sleeping with neighbors; but what if they have crazy red hair and perfect hands? It will be an interesting year. I wonder if he'll end up hating me? or me him? no. we can at least be friends. Although, it's hard sometimes. Especially with the angel downstairs. Ha! no pun intended. I just don't understand where all the anger inside him comes from. We're so different. I'm so full of love and he's so scared of love. Maybe he just fearful and that's why he becomes so overwhelmed with anger; or maybe he's just passionate. I think that might be part of it. I read his palms and his heart line was off the chart! He asked me when I met him if I thought we'd be dangerous together and I said, "I'm not dangerous with anybody," but I'm begging to change my mind. I wish I could see inside him. Usually I can read strait through boys, but he is an enigma. I guess I'll just start looking harder. If I go down there right now I know he'll wake up and be happy to see me. I'm sure he thought about me all night after the afternoon we had together. Why is it that you can see someone who fits every requirement you have for the perfect mate, but if there's no chemistry there's no relationship at least romantically. Then you might met someone who isn't your type at all, maybe you don't even really like the same music or have the same lifestyle, but if there's chemistry you can't resist each other. Who casts the spells on us? Who laughs at our bumbling confusion? Is it all a matter of having the ideal children? Are the people we have 'chemistry' with the people who have the perfect complementary set of genes to our own? If so, how does my body know? Do my electrons match up perfectly with the spin cycles of theirs?

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I'm sitting here wondering why he doesn't take a better interest in me. I'm wondering if he has started to see this girl Selena. Am I pitying myself or am I really this strange? Do I actually think that he could love me? Maybe he does, but it's been only a week and he hasn't spoken to me like he used to. I love him so much, God. Why has he changed? Or have I changed? It's been one week though! One week! My heart hurts so much, Lord. Please help me. I feel so helpless, so caught up in something that seems so ridiculous. I love him madly yet he treats me with such irreverence and formality. Then again, maybe it's all in my head, as always. That night in front of his yard. It was wonderful. His eyes. His lips. His smile. The sincerity poured from every valve. I cannot bear to think of him with someone else. I scream with pain at the very thought and I wonder why. Why does this have to happen? Why did I have to fall in love with someone who would fall in love with someone else? I can't stand this. I have to do my schoolwork tomorrow and I don't think I can concentrate. I'm dying. My brain is itching and I'm scraping at the walls to get out of something I am not even in. I hate this city. I hate it here. Why am I even here? I look outside at the night sky and see nothing. I look outside and I can't remember who I used to be. I can't remember what made me happy. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I look at the street and I can't remember the last time I smiled. It was today, I know. but not the last time I felt it. My heart feels empty. My mind is gone. My eyes are filled with tears and I cannot bear to fathom his leaving me. He is everything. There is no one else. Nor will there ever be. I miss beyond words and I cry almost every night. WHAT HAS HE DONE? WHAT HAS HE DONE? Most likely nothing. Maybe I'm being over dramatic. Maybe I'm not being practical. But it hurts. I saw them, God. I saw them together. He likes her, I can see it. I stood like a fool and watched them. I STOOD LIKE A FOOL. I'm so scared. I'm sitting here in my own selfpity crying my eyes out and wondering why. MY laundry is almost done. It's 11:42. Why, God? Can't I keep him? I miss him. I'm not happy here. I will never be happy again, I fear. Not truly happy. I am not complete without him. I'm crying loudly. I fear the neighboring people will hear. But what does it matter? What could they do? I'm hurt. Embarrassment is nothing. Love is nothing. only once. This must be it. I believe a person only falls once. madly and once. I was so wrong to believe that I was not in love with him. I was so wrong to have said and done all those things. God, help me. I will die like this. God, please help me. It hurts so much. I cannot bear to think that he could love someone else. Not after all that time. Not after everything. Why does he throw it away? Why can't he love me? Simply because I am not there? BULL! That's not true. I still love him. I cry. I miss him. I write tot him. What does he do? He comforts me with lackluster professions of love. Maybe I'm making a mistake again. I used to be so sure of everything. I used to be so sure of what he felt. Now I feel and know nothing. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of writing for this assignment. It's much too private and it's so hard to determine the stream of consciousness. It is filled with idle, petty things. with no purpose. It floats from one island of topic to another without care and without remorse. I hear screams in the other room. I wonder what is happening. Is she excited or raving? I hope she isn't hurting. Because I am and I fear I cannot take it. I won't kill myself. But I do wonder how long I can survive. I've never believed that I could live to see past 30. maybe even 25. I'm so tired. I want to go home. I didn't before but now I do. I wonder if it is because I want to lure him into staying beside me. to keep him near. tightening the leash. God, help me please. Give me some sort of sign. An epiphany. something. It hurts so much to remember. I'd rather not think about it. It's 11:48. He'll be calling in an hour. if he cares. If he wants to tell me that it's over. I'm so hollow. Maybe this is my punishment. Maybe this I what I get for having been so cruel and unloving. Now I love and the tables have turned. the eye has changed visions and my life has become worthless. This is what you get rings through my ears. I'm sick. I only want peace. I want a comforting arm. I want a hug. I want a kiss. I want love. I'm so terrified of losing him by losing myself. I cannot change because then he will not love me. I'm not even sure if I am doing this correctly. I'm doing this in a form of a prayer rather than what I'm thinking directly. Either way, it's something. Oh, Art. Please, say something I need to hear. I myself do not know what it is. but I need you to say it. Maybe I secretly want you to tell me it's over so that I can find another person to fill the void. But whom could possible begin to? No one. You were the one. You are the only. You always will be. Ten years from now when I watch you get married I will still love you as strongly. There is no better person. Your soul is so true and so lovely. so pure and untouched. I was lucky enough to glimpse that. I was lucky enough to love you. Thank you God. Forgive me, please. I should have loved you better. I'm staring at your painting and I can't help but wonder why I screwed it up again. Why am I self destructive. I need you. I need you to hug me. To kiss me. To tell me that you want me. Please. Please please please. I'm so weak. I'm so pointless. This is purposeless. Help me, God. My back aches. My eyes ache. My feet ache. My life is gone. Music could soothe me before. now nothing does. Not friends, not family, not anything. I wish I could figure out who I am. or be told who I am. I cannot figure it out. Please God let him love me. I'm terrified of what I will become without him. Oh God, please hurry. Please send me something. I need a drink. I wish I hadn't done so many things. I wonder who is online. who could make me feel better? John? Does he love me? I don't love him. Although I wish he loved me. Why am I so selfish? Why can't I be good and whole? What did I do that was so wrong? So many things. Please help me. It's 11:55. I'm done.

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Right now I am very tired, and I really don't know why. I got enough sleep yesterday, but then again I had a very busy day yesterday. It must have been when I went to try out for the texas crew team. I am not sure whether I should join, and it has been bugging me all day. If I join, I will have to sacrifice many things. First off, I would have to get up really early in the morning and I am not use to that. Second, time would be another sacrifice. I would have less time to do other things, and would have to learn how to manage my time very efficiently. I am really missing the girl that I left back home in order to come attend the university. She was so good to me, never complaining and always doing things for me, even if it was at her expense. We got along great, hardly ever fighting. I miss going to her house every day and talking to her and her parents. Her parents were really good to me also. This girl was going through a really hard time in her life when I met her. I am greatful that I was a big part in helping her get through this time in her life. That time was when her parents were getting divorced. She got through it fairly well, but then her mom remarried quickly. This upset her a great deal. I enjoyed the fact that I could be there for her when she needed me. As a result of her mom's remarriage, she now has a new stepsister and stepfather. Her stepsister is really making her life tough. For that, I resent her stepsister. She disobeys her father and stepmother, steals my girl's clothes, and is a big slut. This girl is named Emily. Emily really pisses me off a great deal. Why does she have to be that way. Nobody has done a damn thing to her, but yet she seems to make the lives if the people around her miserable. I think about my girl quite often, but I know that I am up here for the reason of getting an education. I don't know whether I should move on and try to find someone new, or hold off and just visit her when I am home. But while I am in Austin, the main thing to concentrate on is my studies. It seems that my classes are going to be somewhat difficult. At first I was bit scared, but I know I can come out on top if I put the work and time in. It is sometimes hard to manage time between working out, studying, and having a good time. But it can be done. I am slowly learning the things necessary to become a good student here at UT. I plan to do the best that I can possibly do, and hopefully, if god is willing I will make it through alright. Wow, it has already been twenty minutes and I've got to make a class.

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I am supposed to write for twenty minutes while I track my thoughts. I am looking down at my watch right now to check the current time. It is 3:30, and unfortunately I have to miss my calculus discussion class at 4:30 due to a chemistry review for a test I have on Thursday, the 14th. Apocolyptica, a string quartet who plays music written by the rock group Metallica, is actually playing on my computer while I write this. I am also ripping one of my compact discs via my computer so I can listen to it while not actually having the CD in the ROM drive. Sometimes I like to think about how technology has changed in the last few years. It is absolutely incredible. In junior high school, I had no idea what the Internet was, nevertheless how to use it. Now, I sit at my computer and I will turn in this paper simply by pasting it into a box and clicking a small button. How does the information get to the desired location? I suppose the words are somehow converted into 0s and 1s using the binary number system. Still, the entire concept is simply amazing. What is in store for technology in the future? Hover cars? Now there is a concept. I come from Houston, which is not only the most polluted city in the United States but also has a mighty big traffic problem. I think I will switch my music to Beethoven. There we go. Anyway, with the help of cars that "float" above other vehicles, pileups would be significantly less common. However, there would probably be more accidents, for the concept of cars above a driver adds a completely new depth to driving. Now instead of just having to watch in front, back, and adjacent, one would now have to be careful of who was above him. This would definitely cause some major problems. Maybe hover cars are not such a good idea. The song has now switched to Holst's Mars. My friend Cody has the score to this piece at his dorm at the University of Houston because he is a music major. A bunch of my friends and I are going to see the Dave Matthews concert in Houston in a couple of days. I have seen the DMB perform two previous times at the Woodlands Pavilion, and they were incredible. However, the band has not come out with an album containing new songs in quite a while. They will be coming out with a new album very soon, so I assume they will play many songs from this album in this concert coming up. Well, twenty minutes has just expired, so I will sign off now.

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14

I came back to my home town for Labor Day. I didn't really want to, but my friend talked me into coming with her. I've only been gone a week and I'm already back. Why? I'm not home sick. I guess I just didn't want to stay in Austin when everyone I knew was leaving. I hope Ajay made it to the airport. I'm really worried about him right now. I pray for his mom to get better but I just don't know. I want to promise him everything is going to be alright but I just can't. I wish he would stop drinking to make the pain go away but I guess if it makes him feel better right now. Who am I to tell him what to do anyway? I wonder what time Michael's game is tomorrow. My mom told me but I forgot. Maybe I should have gone to Dallas this weekend. I don't know? I think anything's better that being in Odessa. Football is such a big thing here. Of course the first thing we do is go to Jeesong's football game as soon as we got here. I'm glad Ajay doesn't do anything as dangerous as that I already worry about him enough. I really think we are maturing in our relationship, learning to work through problems that most couples don't ever have in their entire lives. I don't know what he's going to do if he loses her too. I know she wants to be with his dad but isn't it selfish to leave your children. Catherine just came in here to ask me what time I was going to get up. I said 10 but that wasn't early enough so we decided on 9:30. I am very happy with my schedule because I don't have a class before 9:30 and I like all of them. One thing about school I hate is that I'm always so tired. Why can't I check my stupid email from my house? You would think a major computer system at a major university would have some way you could check it without having to download this and that. You should be able to enter your IF or UTEID and open a link site, but no. Nothing is that easy. I hate computers and if I never had to use one I wouldn't mind a bit, but if I didn't know how I couldn't pass any of my classes. That is another thing. Why is everything I need for a class on the internet? I feel sorry for people who have no clue how to use it. I thought Kris was never going to hook up her computer but she finally discovered she had no choice. Computers are our lives these days. What would the human race do without them? It's scary you know, our whole life is on this thing and if they know what their doing, anyone could find some thing you don't want them to have.

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18

Isn't it amazing how lifting weights can make you so aware of your muscles? Every last inch of me is sore. I am such a weenie. Exercising is fun though. It helps me relieve stress. I'm already starting to feel a little stressed here. I wonder if I am an abnormally stressed person. What is a normal stress level? I'm having a hard time deciding which organizations to be in. I want to be in communication organizations to help me be prepared for my career but I also want to be involved in a Christian organization. Sigma Phi Lambda sounds neat but it takes up a lot of time. I wish I were better at knowing what God wants me to do. I want to follow Him and to be patient but I also don't want to not be assertive and let opportunities slid past me. I feel like much of my life I have been too laid back, letting things come to me. I'm tired of being out to lunch. I want to prove to my dad and my brother that I can be responsible and detail minded. I want so badly to get a 4. 0 this semester. I feel so torn. Part of me says drive hard! Study hard! Don't let organizations take time away from academics! Prove you are worthy! But I know that I need to follow God and the He is what gives me value. I am probably making too big of a deal out of all of this. I think I'm just frustrated with mistakes I've made in the past. I need to let those go and not worry about what my dad and brother think. I know my dad has faith in me deep down. I just feel sad and I don't really know why. I just wish I had more direction but even as I type that I know I just need to listen to God. I guess that's the problem I'm mad that I don't get a clear answer from God. It's so hard. I've never been totally sure of what God wanted for me. Well maybe that's not true, but I never hear his voice telling me what to do. I wasn't even sure if coming to UT was what He wanted. I saw lots of doors open up for UT and when I was expecting to see bad things about UT I found that it really wasn't that bad and the students were really friendly. Now I'm trying to figure out what decision to make about organizations and I'm secondguessing every phone call from members in the organizations and the gut feelings I have when I go to the meetings. I don't feel any strong direction and I'm mad, frustrated. There must be something I'm doing wrong. I want to be closer to God but every time I try I end up getting so confused and frustrated with Him and myself. Why does being on the verge of tears for a long time make you have a headache? Man I hate how my desk is set up. Gosh, I'm being so negative. I really hope my paper is the one out of 540 that y'all decide to read. This really isn't representative of what I am like. Tonight is just a bad night. God has given me so much yet I worry about so much. Like my business and professional speaking class. I don't like the idea of being graded on my performance. I know I won't make eye contact and make all sorts of other mistakes and get a bad grade. Wow! Listen to me. I'm going to be one of the people they call to do a study of depressed people with low selfesteem. I put on that questionnaire that I am generally happy and have a high selfesteem but that was last week. Tonight for the first time since moving down here I feel sad. I was so proud of myself for not freaking out and adjusting well. Maybe God is trying to show me that I really can't do this on my own.

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13

Well, I'm supposed to write down any and everything I am feeling or thinking right now. The truth is I am totally stressed out today and can't wait to finish this assignment so I can go home and relax and enjoy my wonderful weekend ahead. I have many things to be stressed out about right now. First of school, I'm trying to get my gpa up so I'm having to do just perfect in anything I do for my classes to get into the nursing school. This is my 4th year at UT and you would think I would have my life together by now. Although it's getting there, slowly but surely. To add to my stressful life is my exboyfriend of 2 years who just moved to California so that he can "find himself". Whatever. But it's weird because I feel so much happier now that I am no longer with him. It's kind of like I'm a totally different person. I don't hang out with our usual crowd. It seems that I have changed for the better. Also adding some stress into my life is all my expensive bills I have to pay. Phone, electricity, rent, gas, food, beer, etc. One thing I am so grateful for is my wonderful family. I'm proud to say that my parents did a hell of a job raising my 14 year old sister, my 12 year old brother, and of course me the rookie 21 year old. I am so proud of them and their accomplishments. The reason I say this is because they had me, the first born, at a really young age (high school) and to see how well they are doing, unlike many others who start off on a bad foot. And then of course I have my wonderful grandparents who would do anything for any of their three grandchildren. Especially me since I was the firstborn hahaha! Well, I'm trying to think of what else I can tell you about myself in the remaining 10 minutes of this assignment. I will say that I do enjoy this class very much and want to acknowledge Prof. Pennebaker's excellent teaching skills. He makes the class so interesting you never want to miss his lectures. As a matter of fact, my exboyfriend to this class and he recommended I take it. Well, I have 6 minutes and I'm trying to think of what else I can inform you on about my wonderful life. Well, I'm from Victoria, TX. (pop. 66,000) My family still resides there. It's funny to see my little brother going to the same junior high I did with all the same teachers. And I can't believe my sister is a freshman also. I remember those days. I wish I could go back to when life was so simple. But no, now it's time to grow up and see what God has planned for me. I can't wait. I pray that each day he's by my side and helping me in any and every way possible. Guiding me to tomorrow. Well, I guess my time is up. I think in the past 20 minutes you guys at the psychology dept. can figure out a little about me by what I just wrote. Hopefully the data will be interesting. Thank you once again for your time. Hopefully I have written some interesting thoughts for you and I can't wait to see how my results turn out. Or do I even get to????

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23

So I'm glad that this assignment is like this beacuse I love journaling and writing my thoughts down. I must have had the most unluck day ever today, and now my mom is mad at me! That sucks. Such is life!! Oh well. I hope that I do well in this class beacuse I really need to boost my gpa up this semester. I can't wait to get my papa john's pizza, I am so hungry. Man I can't wait for Dele to get here tomorrow too. I miss him so much. he kind of pissed me off today though because when I was telling him about my crappy day he had to get off the phone with me. Well I giess I really shouldn't be that pissed off. I'm sure I have done it to him numerous times. that's why I like him, he put up with my BS. Wow its only been three minutes. I don't know if I can keep typing for 20. this is actually harder than I though. my mind is totally blank right now. Well actually its not because if it was then I would be thinking anything, but I an think about how my mind is blank. so it's really not blank. Ok I think I'm making things a little complicated. oh my goodnes there is this weird noise coming from somewhere in my room. ughhhh these stupid dorms. . Mann I got to a lot of homework to do tonite. Well at least I'm getting one thing done. That's good. la la la. This is getting kind of old. I have about 13 minutes to go, whoops there is the phone I have to go get my pizza is ready. I hope I don't get counted off for this. Man I'm excited about this pizza. Mmmmm can't wait. Man I'm really excited to eat this pizza. Its going to be so good. Man the smell of it makes my mouth water. I'm going to keep writing a little more since I had to go get my pizza. I wonder if my mom called me back. I really don't want her to be mad at me because she gives me allownace on friday. Man that's bad for me to think that. but I was just kidding though. Man I love chicken pizza. Its so good. Man that was I pretty cool assignment. I think I'm going to like psych class!!

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7

As of this moment, I am thinking about my boyfriend and if he truly loves me like he says. I don't think it's possible for him to love me when he gets so angry, but oh well. I notice my textbooks which are collecting dust and have these bright stickers on them. I am also noticing a blinking at the bottom of my computer, which is an instant message from my boyfriend. I wonder what he has to say. I have this funny taste in my mouth after eating Taco Bell food. It isn't too pleasant. My refrigerator is making lots of noise. I think it's broken. Maybe I should get it fixed. No, I'm too lazy. I'm thinking about my boyfriend again. I think he'd make a good couple with his best friend, but I don't know why I am thinking that because I love him or atleast I think I do. How do I know when I'm in love? I ask myself this question everyday. I don't think I should be because if I was in love I would know. Love is very confusing. My boyfriend makes me really angry sometimes. I haven't had this bad of a temper ever. I think some of his temper rubbed off on me. The refrigerator is making so much noise still. I feel nauseous. I want to join a sorority, but I am not sure which one to join because I have heard bad things about the ones I am interested in. I also want to join a service one, but at the same time I want to join a social one. I think I'm just going to join this service one I heard about today and maybe join the social one next semester or next year. I miss Taco Bell. I used to work there with my best friend. I wish we were still good friends, but now she's weird. Sometimes I feel like she's only friends with me, so she can use me. She tends to do that. I'm worried about her though because she's madly in love, but I don't think the guy she's in love with loves her back. Well I know for a fact that he treats her bad, but then my boyfriend treats me bad. The refrigerator stopped making noise. Yay! I'm paranoid about me not being able to spell refrigerator properly. I'm confused about the directions. Are we supposed to write until the 20 minutes are over or when we finish? That is what I ask myself. I'm really sleepy. My eyes feel like they have big, black bags underneath them. I haven't gotten much sleep in a while. People keep staying in my dorm room and I can't kick them out because my roommate, my cousin, wants to chill with them. Sometimes I wish I could just tell people how I feel straight up but that never happens. I think it's because of my relationship with my ex-best friend. She used to get mad just because I told her the truth, so I feel like I'm scarred for life and can't ever speak my mind. Well this assignment was good. I got to speak my mind and release some stress.

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10

Write now I'm very tired I just got home from Austin. I haven't been getting much sleep lately so I have really been dragging. I'm fixing to eat dinner with my family. I have alot of homework to do tonight including some calculus which is very frustrating. My house is very quiet the only sound in it seems to be me striking on these keys. This is an unusal assignment I have never done anything like this in the past. So far I am enjoying school at Ut it is my first semester and although it is all a little overwhelming I think things are going to work out. I have to comute back and forth everyday that is the only thing that seems to be gettiong old. I went to the UT football game on Saturday I had a great time but, wished that we would have played better in the second half. I love sports I have played them since I was five. I fact this is probaly the first time in my life where I havn't been playing sports. Now the noise in my house starts to raise a little as my brother gets home from tennis practice. He is a good kid I'm glad that he is doing so good in school right now. He tries really hard, and takes things really seriously. I smell my mom making diner. She works in Austin as well and has to commmute just like I do. My mind is drawing a blank now, I'm so tired it's hard to concentrate. I guess I am a little worried about school, I have to make really good grades this semester because I'm trying to transfer into the business school. I have put alot of pressure on myself to do good in school. I get stressed out when I don't understand some of the material in one of my classes. Calculus worries me the most. I have never been that good at math. I'm struggling right now just going through the review. I try really hard in all my classes but I'm worried that won't be good enoegh. Oh well all I can do is my best. My house has grown quiet again much like it usually is. Now I hear my phone ringing but nobody seems to be answering it. I'm looking forward to a warm bed to sleep in tonight. I have to wake up early to go to work though. I enjoy work at least it breaks up the monotony of being in school all day. Well my time was just up so.

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14

I am really tired today. I am also pretty homesick. It is my birthday. I wish that I was at home. I want to celebrate my birthday with my parents and sister. I want to go to my favorite restaurants. Blue Goose sounds really good, but why am I worried about good restaurants in Dallas. I can get just as good or better food here in Austin. I want a turkey sub for dinner tonight. I also want to go to get ice cream from Aimee's with my friends, but I have so much to do. I have to review all of my notes tonight for my classes, plus I have to go to the sorority pledge class meeting at sometime. I better look up the time soon. I am glad I stayed in and studied this weekend. It helped me get organized and feel like I knew what I was doing. Rush really made me crazy. I hope I like being in a sorority. I am scared because I don't party that much, and I don't want it to take away too much time from my studies. I know that I do have to balance my life. I have to make time to meet people nad have fun. I just never feel like I have enough time to do everything. I feel bad that I couldn't go to lunch with Leisha today because I had to read my phylosophy, but I went to run and then to church this morning and I had to get my stuff done this afternoon to be ready for the meeting tonight. I wish that I was at home and could just relax and watch TV. I miss summer time when I didn't have to do too much. I hope all of my friends in all of their colleges are doing well. The birthday card from Amy made me sad. It already feels like we are drifting apart from each other. Even when I e-mail her, I don't know what to say. I feel like she doesn't care what is going on here because she doesn't know all of people I am talking about when I tell her what I am doing. Why doesn't she tell me a lot about her life? I want to know what is going on, not just hi how's it going kind of stuff. I am so happy I know my roommate though. We have had so much fun together, and we keep each other sane. I get scared when I think what might have been if I had gone pot luck. I keep meeting people who have crazy roommates, but I think I really could have gotten a long with everyone. I have met the coolest people. That girl I sat next to in Economics the other day, was really neat. I need to get her number. I like my sailor sis in Delta Gamma, but I am afraid to go out with her. I don't know if I can keep up with all of these UT people. They party way more than I do. I think I am going to go home this Labor day weekend because the parties aren't a necessity to meet people. Anyways, nobody who I talk to will remember me because they are all drunk. I don't understand why I go to these paries to meet people when I can't even have a coherent conversation with people, but I guess they are fun. I am so confused right now, but I think it will all start working out soon. I just wish that I knew everybody instantly and did not have to work so hard at meeting people. In high school I could see anyone and know them. Like at the game last night, I hardly knew anyone, and in high school I could talk to anyone around me. I guess soon enough, I will make new and good friends, but I sure hope it comes soon. Luckily, I have Megan. She has kept me from being sad, plus I really like it in Austin. I love walking around campus and seeing everyone. It is the prettiest campus, and I really like all of my classes. I am really scared about keeping my grade point up. I worked hard in high school and did well, but will it be enough for college? I sure hope so. I know my parents will be happy as long as I do my best, but sometimes I feel that is not enough. I guess I pressure myself too hard. I just have to keep listening to my parents advice to balance my time between relaxing, socializing, and studying. I will do my best. I know that it will all start being normal to me pretty soon. I just have to wait for the adjusting period to be over.

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23

this week is the most religious week in my religion. I haven’t been fasting like I should be. it's gets kind of difficult being in school and all . but maybe I should try harder. I mean, aren't I supposed to be responsible enough to handle things on my own. my parents sent me off to college hoping I can learn to be more responsible and independent. maybe I’ll try to fast tomorrow. actually, I have been kind of bad lately. I have been eating things I should not be. and I have also been eating after dark. I wonder . how much am I going to pay for this later? I mean in terms of sins and punishments. I am, basically, a decent human being. many other people think so. but then again, it matters what I think and if I think I am a descent person. well am I. or not?  I am . but I could be a lot better. -guess everybody can. but oh well . why do I stress about little things so much? maybe I get it from dad. he always gets uptight over little things. man, come to think of it, I act like dad a lot. I mean I get aggravated at little things, I have, more or less, the same morals and practices. I gotta stop stressing so much or I am not gonna be able to handle college too well. it seems like I try to seem calm and collected in presence of other people, but in reality I’m stressed. I seem to have a lack of self confidence. but at times, I feel more confident about myself than ever. is that uncommon? I dunno. my lack of self confidence really does bother me. and it affects the way I am perceived by my peers. some people, like my friend *******, I mean you can just tell by the way he talks and carries himself, that is extremely confident and secure about himself. I want to be like that but I also need to be who I am, you know? I go through phases of feeling high and low self esteem. I think my brother has a lot of effect on me. it seems like I’m always feeling less confident about myself when I am around him. he has a great way of bringing out the worst in me and making me feel like crap. he does well too. butt he only does it to his family. isn’t that weird? to everybody else he is a terrific guy. but little do they know that he treats his loved ones the worst. or so it feels like it. but I never have the guts to stand up to him. why don't I. it's because I’m not confident of who am and what I stand for and what I want to be. and <----- that really, I mean really bothers me. and until I figure all that out, ill continue to feel just I am feeling now, maybe worse. my brother is always in the back of my mind. if I buy a shirt, will he get mad that it costs too much, or I already had one like it, or I don’t need another one. I hate him being on my shoulder in every thing I do. how can I get him out of my head. some time I wish he wasn’t so smart and intelligent. then maybe he'd respect me for my own person, not the way he is or the way he wants me to be, maybe like an equal, maybe like a brother, and not a puppet. man I got some problems with myself. but I guess everyone does, right? what make mine so much more important than others? at least I have my health, great family, money, an education, shelter, food. where am I inside myself. I must know. I’m dying to find out so I can get on with my life - with some meaning and reason. I feel chaos .

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5

I just woke up and I'm a little confused as I try to figure out what subject I should be studying and which assignments I should be working on. This is all new to me. High school was nothing like this, never had to study. Now I really know what stress is supposed to feel like. Not that the classes are tough yet. I guess I'm used to being lazy. The food here is getting old and I'm scared of gaining that "freshman 15. " Tonight family is coming in, can't wait, a nice paid for meal. Lately I've been feeling sad. I parted from my 2 best friends a month ago to be here and now I can see how much I really depended on them. My life is so different. I have to try and fit into the friendships that were already made here this summer during provisionals. It's not fun. They're all in the sorority and I'm sick of going out every night. I talked to my best friends Amy and Christa everyday either on the phone or Internet. I don't know what I'd do without AIM. I miss them so much. I'm going home this weekend I need to see some familiar faces. I'm not one to be homesick I just feel I have no sort of comfort zone here even though I should. I mean my brother lives here but has his own life with his job and girlfriend. So I barely get to see him ever. I've been really sad the past 2 weeks. It's just been really hard. My boyfriend of 8 months is in the Marines and lives in 29 Palms, California. He doesn't get much time off with his new duties that he was promoted to so he had 96 hours off during Labor Day weekend and drove 1600miles to see me. I can't even believe it still, that 21hour drive had to be horrible. That's what keeps me going everyday. How much I can see by the way he's shown me, how much he cares and loves me that he would come all the way here. He finally bought a cell phone so we could talk easier instead of him waiting in the 2hour phone lines they have at the payphones everyday. He's also getting a job for his days off at a western wear store. He wants more money, he's so responsible, as if being in the marines isn't hard enough work already. Its really expensive with all the gas to drive here all they time and the flights are just crazy. I'm going to try and fly there for his birthday. I know my parents would absolutely kill me. I love him so much and we're of different religions so almost for a year now I've had to deal with my parents. I can't stand it, its drives me crazy inside sometimes how disapproving they are of someone they won't even get to know. It's not fair to me. They should be happy as long as he makes me happy. I would never not be with someone because of a religion that they were born into. Not to mention, the fact that we're both not deeply committed to our religions or were brought up that way. I can feel the tension and hurt coming up in the future. When he gets out we will be very close. He'll go to Southwest and we'll be together everyday, hopefully for the rest of our lives. I don't know, its just one more thing added on to my stress factors. Sometimes it's just easier to cry it all out but when I let that happen sometimes it lasts for almost 24 hours straight and I make myself sick. I've been sick all week and I hate it. I should be studying and I can't focus or keep myself to concentrate. I have to learn. I have to stick with it. I've decided I'm not going to go out at night unless it's a big function that I care about. It's not worth it. The party scene is old. I've been coming up to Austin the past 4 years for the big parties, pat O's, Atlantic city, and they just don't do anything for me anymore. I guess that would probably be because I don't drink and I don't' care to "hook up" with anyone so basically since those are the 2 main reasons that those fraternities have parties, they really just don't interest me. I'm personally fine with going to dinner with a couple of my girlfriends and renting a sappy movie and eating a lot of junk food. But that's just me. Something I do love here though is that I don't shower to go to class, don't get dressed up nor have I touched my make up bag since I left home. How fun is that? I love it. I just really don't care. Basically my plan is to try and focus on my studies, I won't have any boys here to distract me cause the only one I love isn't here. I'll do well in school and in the end we'll be able to be together. He has about 1 year and 10months left, but I figure I can make it. I mean he's already been in there for 2yrs and 2months and I've stood by his side the entire time, even before he joined. He means the world to me. I just can't even imagine my life without him and that's why I plan on staying with him. I know people think I'm dumb, that I'm wasting my college years staying committed to a long distance relationship, but I don't know why it would be dumb. As long as I'm happy why should I care right? I don't know, this whole college thing is really going to take some getting used to. I mean, me, doing my own laundry? That's just funny.

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11

Somtimes I don't understand why people are the way they are. Why am I falling in love with a guy that I can't be with? I mean, my gah, we're perfect for each other other than the fact that he thinks I'm some sort of deluded tricked person who is believing wrong (referring to my religion). We're both stubborn in the aspect of our beliefs and aren't willing to compromise however there is this unnaturally strong bond, I guess you could say, between us. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him so bad, I really honestly and truly do however I'm afraid of getitng hurt again. Maybe I am delusional, maybe its because I'm afraid I can't get a guy here. Maybe I don't know what I believe or not. I question what I really want and often wonder why I choose to live the way I do. Why do I sacrifice happiness for the sake of morality? Something that would make me happy, why do I avoid it? Because I'm afraid that God will condemn me to hell. Yes, that must be it. I know I'm saved and that I will go to heaven however I feel that other people will condemn me, I will condemn myself and ultimately God will condemn me. Fear of man, fear of myself, fear of God, fear of doing what I want, fear of getting pregnant if I choose to have sex, all of these things cause me inner turmoil. Why be with a guy that's all the way up in New York and you're down in Texas? I love him, I want to be with him, but I'm denying my inner feelings somehow--I don't know 100% what I feel or how I feel it. . I don't know if I'm creating some sort of mental captivity for myself by not choosing to be with him--am I missing out on the best thing of my life? He says all the right things, but does he truly mean what he says? I guess only showing will prove it. I do like this rose that he gave me. I mounted it on this background thing of New York City that I made. its a beautiful glass rose, but it broke in the mail. He was upset that it wasn't perfect however me and symbolism, I said it was better that it was broken because things aren't perfect, and even though it will be mended, it won't be perfect. And that's okay. Nothing is perfect. The rose is so beautiful. It offsets the background and the Statue of Liberty infront of it. I love New York. Do I love this guy because I love New York so much? Or do I love New York so much because I love this guy? Who knows? All I know is that its raining here, and I'm sitting alone in my dorm room, cold and alone. surrounded by the mass but alone in spirit. alone in body. alone. I think its stopped raining now, but I'm not sure if it will continue. I have no umbrella. I'm not prepared for the storm. Like life, huh? You can prepare yourself for everything except the most obvious--what happens if it rains? You prepare for the cold, you prepare for the wind, you prepare for the ice. . but the rain comes, and you have nothing. No umbrella, nothing. all you have is what you took with you. . your books, your clothes, your hand, the trees or a overhang of a building. I came here to Austin not knowing anything. I mean I knew what I've heard but I didn't actually know. I now know, and I don't know what to think. The mass is around me but I'm alone. . alone, cold standing in the rain with no umbrella. dreaming about the distance, and longing for the closeness. I've thought about becoming a psychologist. . However I don't know if I want to abandon business. I don't know what I want to do really. I mean, I know certain things I like however I don't know what I want to do with what I like. I like many things but I love little. I've always helped people with their problems, listened to their issues, offered my advice when prompted. maybe its time I get paid for it, lol. . I wrote in my notebook about becoming a psychology professor--that way I can interact with students, be in authority and teach about psychology. but I don't know if I want to do that. . Why wouldn't I want to? Money, travelling, I don't know to be honest. Wow, ten minutes and I've typed a novel. . Omg, I feel for the individual who has to read this, lol. I guess its a curse from typing since like the 4th grade. I think I can get up to like 100 words a minute now. . I was talking to this one guy online however I told him I would brb in 20 . He has a crush on me. I don't like him. I know its for superficial reasons, but I don't wish to get in an internet relationship, lol. Yeah it would end up being an internet relationship. and I'm not about to go down that road, lol. . The first and ONLY one was this one guy who ended up being a clingy-blood-craving-dog-collar-wearing-submissive ex-goth who liked to bite people. Strange, eh? Weird guys fall for me, lol. One guy. . omg, the state hospital patient--He hit on me while I was volunteering there for bingo, omg. that was scary, haha. Then there was the drunk guy who said I was Miss America 2002--poor kid, lol. . Then, let's see. . the ex goth, the state hospital guy, the drunk dude. Hmm, I know there's more. . Ahh yes, boyfriend number one. The sex-craving chain smoker who was like 5 inches shorter than me. I learned from this guy to ALWAYS tell your mother about your relationships. That stupid dork called my house at midnight and was saying nasty things to my mother thinking it was me, lol. I came home and my door was off the hinges, my tv, stereo and phone were out and she changed the dead bolts on my door. THEN we proceeded to go to the health clinic where I got the hepatitus A series vaccine (which is good to have anyways lol) and was threatened to get tested for AIDs. It was a traumatic experience, lol. Darn those junior high days lol. . Well I have less than five minutes left and have managed to go thru most all of my relationships. LoL, wow, the more I remember them, the funnier they get. . my friends think they're hilarious lol. But one thing I've learned--I can't please everyone. I guess I have to live for myself and that's about it. Though I have religion and the morals that confine me with that--it should be done out of love. . but right now I don't have love. I want love to give to God, but I'm so caught up in what I want and the inner turmoil that its causing me to just want happiness with this guy, I managed to squeeze out love or desire to grow with God more. . Yes, it hurts to say it, and to acknowledge it. . but hey, I guess its the truth? I guess that's why this was the first assignment--so we can see what we really think and feel. . to write them out and to put them on the table so we can look at what we feel and not deny that we truly did think what we thought. Hmm. two and a half minutes left. . I think I want to skip class. . lol, I'll go though. . I just hope I don't get rained on. A perfect ending to a perfect essay. . with one exception. Perfection doesn't exist. Morality doesn't want to exist. And I don't know where to find an umbrella. In the last few seconds or minutes or whatever, my mind wonders to the pasta I had for lunch. NO clue as to why, lol, however I do like pasta. I wonder what I'll have for dinner. Wow, this writing went from super deep to super light, topic wise lol. . Grr, I got the Trojan and Mimic virus on my computer. . another lovely addition to another lovely day. Time is up and I have class to go to. Its been nice writing. . Maybe I'll do this again. . Typing of course--I can type faster than I can handwrite, lol. 3. 2. 1. Times up. . Ohh, I can continue writing. Well, I can't now. I have psychology class.

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19

I am waiting for Brad to get home. I hope that he's talking to Michael because they need to figure out what's happening before things get worse. I can't believe he's being so petty about this whole ordeal. Seriously, was he expecting us to pat him on the back and say how proud we are that he's started smoking pot. . not just a little either. . but massive amounts? I don't quite understand how on earth he can simply think that just because he's been on medications and is immune and he's sick and is in pain that that is a valid excuse. We all have our issues to escape from, while i'll agree that yes none of us face exactly what he's going through with his disorders and his back, we have our problems too. I hate to see him like this, feeding himself bs to justify it. He knows it was wrong, i honestly think he knows its wrong and he claims he regrets it but deep down i don't think he does. This is his rebellion. What kills it the most is that it shows just how hypocritical he can be. Maybe a year ago he was bashing one of his really good friends for doing something so similar. . the guilt trips, the icq away messages, the finger pointing. Its all the same. I know thats what scares brad so much about it, because michael is his best friend, and he can't stand to see him turn into benny. Neither can i. I've known one too many people who end up permenately stoned so bad that they can't remember anything past the last fix. Its so sad to watch them as they stop being able to function. I know, just know that one of these days i'm going to get a call from someone saying that one by one they're dying off. Its so sad. Some of my best friends have become drug addicts and have nearly lost their lives because of it, and yet they continue to use it. Now they might as well be dead. . they have no personality and they'll never be the same people they once were. Drugs make you petty. They've all become petty. I worry how this effects brad. He's right, Michael basically is his only friend, guy friend anyway. If Michael were to hold this against him it would definately kill him and would seriously screw with his future. Brad has a hard time making friends. I'm actually incredibly surprised we're even together conisdering his track record. He's the shyest drama major I've ever met. He won't talk to people. I have to talk for him sometimes, and he gets upset if i don't introduce him. Most people know who he is, they just don't believe me. When i talk about him i talk about either why he's got me frustrated or how great he is, and when he meets my friends nothing. . he sits there and stares. He promises he'll try and its not something i hold against him. . yes it kind of annoys me but i seriously don't hold it against him. Marked up as one of his quirks. I have so many i guess i can't really hold his agianst him since he doesn't hold mine against me. I can't believe that Michael would hold a grudge. . he's always gotten so mad at me for having my grudges since last year and always lectured me and i've listened and tried not to hold what they did to me against them, that whole christian turn the other cheek forgiveness thing. I'm trying. . honestly i am. BUT i must admit life is SO much easier when i don't have to be around them. No constant reminder of all the stuff that happened last year. Its a new chapter in my life and its so great that although they followed me here, they don't have to be a part of it. I just want brad to be happy. The old michael wouldn't have had this problem, but he's changed recently, and definatley not for the better. Almost makes me feel the need to return the favor. Just as they controled and manipulated and abused me last year, he is their victim now, and it makes me so sad. He's a great guy. He just should have taken his own advice and gotten out of there as fast as he could. Trevor would have understood, and if he's anything like they claim, he DEFINATELY would not approve of the life his friends have chosen. Drugs won't bring him back. He died its time for all of them to move on. I just don't know if they'll ever realize that. Some won't ever . . i wonder if we can make micael see that before its too late.

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25

Wow, the person next door has their music up too loud, but now they turned it down. I can't wait until the party tonight. I'm not normally excited about parties, my foot hurts, I moved it. Well, I'm at 50 sec. Hmm. there comes the music again. I don't like that kind of music otherwise it wouldn't bother me. What does Katie's computer say? She was playing solitaire. My wrist itched and I scratched it. Is that how you spell scratched? It doesn't look right. It's funny how simple words often don't seem like they're spelled right. Words like of. I could think of where the o key was, there I did it again. Two minutes and 31 sec. The green light on my router box is flashing. I guess, it's supposed to, though I would think a solid light would mean it was working right. I want to know who actually reads this kind of thing, or if it is read. It might be interesting, I suppose. I bet people write some pretty crazy stuff. I almost wrote shit there, but then realized that might be inappropriate, which is funny since I just made a comment that people might write crazy things in these types of papers. Particularly if they're crazy. I make my self laugh inside sometimes. Oh goodness, I'm making jokes with myself and my stream of consciousness paper. I had to look at the top of the stream to remember how to spell consciousness. 5 minutes and 16 sec. Wow, this is going by pretty quickly. The scroll bar just started. My headphones are sitting next to my computer. I'd like to be listening to some music right now, but of course, not my neighbor's music. Maybe John Mayer or Counting Crows, or Dave Matthews Band or I could get my new Rascal Flatts cd from my car. I really like every song on that cd. My dad called today. We haven't talked since I've been back here in Austin. I remember last year we talked about every other night for a while. I guess we are both just more adjusted to being apart. I'm very close to my dad. Wow, I'm writing as if I'm talking to someone now, which I'm not. I should stop that. Hmmm. deep breath in and out. Jordan. I wish he was on-line, I'd really like him to come to the party tonight. It should be fun. Phred will be there though, and he did say he might go to Houston with me tomorrow. That's nice of him, but I guess, maybe he owes me because I did take him home at 2 in the morning last night (this morning). Wow, someone could find out all the crazy shit, there I said it, about someone's life by reading these writings. Writing, I haven't written in my journals in a long time. I have been writing some in the on-line diary though. so yeah. Alec doesn't read it though. This is hard to not edit my thoughts. Every now and then, I think about something and then skip to something else, then realize I should be writing everything that comes into my head down. So, I am making a conscious effort not to edit, I had to look at the title of the page again to see how to spell that. I'm typically I good speller. Maybe it's the pressure of this writing assignment. 11min and 20 sec. Man, this semester, all my professors have really great websites for their classes. I'm so impressed. I wish I was good at creating web pages. Then I'd make one for myself, moved my feet situation again, and again, I'd let everyone know about my webpage and situating myself, I'd, scratched my eyebrow, I'd update my webpage every day. Scratch my ear. I don't know why I'm itching all the sudden, couldn't find the c key. Well, looked at Katie's computer again. She has so many more people on her buddy list then I do. I have people on my buddy list that I don't even talk to when they're on-line. well, a number of the people on her buddy list on people from the John Mayer message boards, I wanted to call them bulletin boards, but that's not what they're called. Anyway, scratching. tapping my foot. seeing that word tapping doesn't look like it's spelled correctly. Oh well. I guess this really isn't for a grade, so it doesn't matter if I spell things correctly and do our minds spell . correctly. I don't know. I'd like to be a part of the ta's studies with the tape recorder catching small glimpses into my conversations throughout the day (though I don't have fabulous conversations) or the study about people's relationships and why people stay together and why they don't. I mean, someone should do a study on Alec and I, I wouldn't necessarily call us dysfunctional, but I surely could be wrong in staying around for him for so long because yeah, he could treat me better, or pay me, scratching, more attention, scratching. I'm getting really uncomfortable, my neck and left arm is starting to cramp up, I haven't had to type this much in a long time. I guess, because I haven't had to write any kind of paper in quite some time. Well only less than 2 minutes left. This has been fun. I'm really uncomfortable. I'd like to read some other people's writings from our class. I am curious what you can tell about a person from something like this. Is is even accurate, because couldn't someone just create some elaborate/or un-elaborate story to put down here, or poetry or something. Hopefully, it doesn't sound like that's what I'm doing because I'm not. Now, I sound paranoid, oh goodness. well, nearly done. 7, 6, 5, 3, 2

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14

I have to work at 1pm, go back to my dorm, and get everything organized I still have to do my geology homework and study that since science is hard for me. I need to go shopping for food also and get my internet connection set up. I hope my dad can help me because if not I don’t know when I will ever get on the net and all my assignments are due over it. I also need to call my Brad in College Station. I don’t know what to do in that situation. I think I love him but I need to date others--but who to date? I am not interested in anyone I only want to know for sure if it is Brad I want but how do I know if he really wants me when we go to such different schools and he will probably find an aggie woman I could find a longhorn man also . the guy I just met is pretty cool but I don't see me dating him maybe I should just have fun and see what happens no need to get serious yet-- unlike Lori and I do not want to be like her and Ryan. I am glad I didn’t have to quit my job I love everyone there only my manager is driving me crazy with the shifts I am getting hopefully it will all work out but I have to work 2 shifts today and I still have so much to do I just need to relax or something but I cant until I get all my stuff done. oh well I wish I had time to tell my mom and dad everything that is going on here but things keep coming up people are always calling and or dropping by and there is no time to call unless it is at midnight when they have been asleep for hours its funny because you would think that since we live in the same city I would be able to talk easily but I cant tomorrow is labor day I wonder if Jeff will want to do any thing he probably will and I don't know if I have time or not to spend the day with him and if I don’t he will probably throw a fit since he lives in san marcos but he can come home all the time if he wants or I can visit him I wish he wasn’t so needy he has to really we are not together but he has always been like this that is why we could never work out not like brad though he is wonderful but he wrote me some letter I haven’t gotten it yet and he says parts of it are sad and parts happy I wonder is it good sad like he misses me or bad sad like he met someone else I will find out in the next few days I wonder if Ryan got my letter and how he is doing I wonder how mecredy is doing and when he is going back to Dallas the George strait concert was great I wonder is they got to see brad I wonder how Lori is I haven’t talked to her in a couple of days and we have to do the draw together on Tuesday I hope she can stand in line with me and I may have to leave early since I work at 10:30 I don’t know the games are going to be great I hope I get to go to the A&m game! I don’t think I want to hang out with brad that weekend though I don’t know it depends on him and who knows if I'll get tickets I really want to go though Tyler already has some lined up I wonder how you get to college Station I'm sure someone will give me directions I hope it isn’t too scary I don’t know what I would wear I wonder whose car we could take mine would never make it and it has UT stickers all over so they would trash it

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Thins are so different. THere are so many people everywhere. I knew that 51000 people went to this school but i did not realize the implications of having to walk around on campus with every single on of them. I was way excited to move to Austin, I mean. I came from New Braunfels. I miss my friends, I miss the parties, I miss 'drive-bys' and TJs and the movies. I miss Twister and Busdriver and Presidents and Assholes. I got in the hugest fight with my best friend in the entire world. It just seems to me like there are some things that just shouldnt be said. You say things in confidence and expect them to remain in confidence. I only told her because I felt obligated because shes my best friend. its the kind of thing you're supposed to tell a best friend. I never imagined in a thousand years that it would get to everybody and their dog in less than a day. She has never betrayed me like that before. I wonder why she did now. I want to leave this room, but everybody is out. in class or at some meeting or something. I've adjusted much better than I thought I would. Maybe because I was prepared to move on. I miss my friends, but all of us realize that the past was in the past. althought its going to be a helluva party come Homecoming. Thats another thing. I miss my dad, the funny man, the journalist who used words like helluva in his articles. I should miss my mom, I think, but I miss my dad more. quite a bit more. I guess because he never failed me. Aw and my dogs. Jonas is so adorable, hes probably lost without me. Man, I can just imagine how pathetic that sounds. 6th Street! A whole bunch of us are going to 6th street tomorrow night. I have no idea what to wear. Michaels all worried about what I wear. hey, he's in New Braunfels, theres no way he can tell me what to wear. not that i really let him before. hes just not here to watch over me and other guys anymore. Anyway. off to 6th street. I love 6th street. I could just stand there and look at people for hours. People crack me up. We took a picture with Leslie the transvestite the last time we were there. My dad loved it, he'd actually heard of Leslie, the mayoral candidate. I think I got lucky as far as roommates go. Man, my friend ( you know, the one who betrayed me) got the roommate from hell. They go to Baylor, and this girl is so rich. The only problem is that she knows it; I have never seen a more overbearing, holier than thou attitude. I told her I went to UT and she goes ''Ugh, public schools . I just about smacked her. I guess the only reason I didnt was because I didnt want to make things awkward for Elizabeth. even if she has gone and made things awkward for me. I think its funny how everyone at first sticks to their own gender. All the girls sit with girls and all the guys sit with guys. I love the girls I've met here, but i think its high time i meet some guys. Im sure Michael would love that. Hes not my boyfriend, though. As my roommate Ana puts it, he's my significant other , whatever that means. We really need to go grocery shopping, but both of our cars are in the middle of nowhere (aka. . the other side of hell. I35). It is such a hassle to get to our cars. I think we'd both just as soon starve. As soon as I can get Michael up here, hes taking us shopping. At least he's good for something. I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life. I think its because my sleeping schedule is so irregular. I'll sleep 5 or 6 hours one night and 9 the next. And weekends. man, forget it. Im lucky if I get any sleep at all. Im trying to make the transition with people. You know, that transition between just sitting next to each other in class to hanging out outside of class. Its a little rougher than Id planned. Im just kind of shy, I guess. I have a problem just asking them to hang out. kind of weird. I sat by this incredibly weird guy today in class. He noticed the strangest things about people. He wanted to exchange numbers and such to get up a study group, but we both forgot by the end of class. I can't decide if thats a good thing or not. seems like he would get kind of annoying after a certain amount of time. Oh. . I need to get my printer hooked up. There are so many computer literate guy geniuses I live with that I could ask. cuz I think Im missing some part or something. That doesnt really make any sense because its a brand new printer in a brand new box. What are the chances of my box being the one missing a part? How depressing would that be? Thats just an extra hassle that I don't need. Everything around here is computerized anyway. one of these days Im going to have to print something. Might as well take advantage of these computer geniuses. Ok, watching the clock. . yep.

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18

I smell soy sauce in are hall some girl spilled it all over the place and now you can't be anywhere without smelling the nasty odor. Well I got back from a bible study got to see some people that I haven't seen in a while I suppose it made me feel at home and I actually made plans to hang out with someone I met this summer and haven't been able to see him that much. Anyways I enjoyed it but at the same time I wonder about my relationship with God I suppose it is a thought that always lingers in my mind. Is it strong enough to I pursue him enough am I a good person sometimes I don't know. so I'm listening while I do this music seems to be something that I have always enjoyed the way everything flows together and becomes something more than noise it seems that music in some forms is the perfection of the interpretation of emotions it not only puts words towards your feelings it gives the words syntax by adding in a conglermation of cacophonies that seem to support the words, Now even though some music doesn't appeal to me I believe that if anyone is writing the music backed by emotion and truth or feelings then they have earned my respect if that really means anything but to those who rock you have got my salutations. So lets get real I'm an 18 guy so I do also think about girls quite a bit. Today I thought of a girl in high school I missed and it is always an itching feeling or thought in the back of my head to try to commit to a girl or girlfriend. Even though I don't know what the hell I want to be honest, is that all this world is trying to please ourselves in order to feel worthy, who are we trying to impress. I don't know? but I can't deny my feeling I believe that truth lies in your emotions and that god gives you certain emotions that give you truth in your life. Sometimes I feel that the only thing we have here on this planet is love that's all we have that is really worth any value and if we give it away to others that is the only way to truly fulfill not only yourself but others, Live life love life. So as I continue to right I remind myself that love exist and to give it freely to those who are in my life. I find myself always observing people walking to class its amazing how afraid people are to look at each other simple glances are rarely seen. what a society it would be if people simply acknowledged each other in life. So many lonely people. What do I like: the smell of rain, the sound of a harmonica and an acoustic guitar blending together like reunited twins, the smell of the mountains the feeling of seeing the sunrise and the gratefulness of seeing it set knowing that were alive and living I met an 80 year man this weekend he told me that life was to good and he didn't want it to end. I agree some people have forgotten that but I hope that one day the world will realize that being alive is the hope that we all have has long as are heart keeps beating there is something to do something to live for, someone to love, something to give, man being a kid was freaking awesome and I could play all day doing something as simply as climbing a tree or hide and seek and it was amazing. I wish I had a glass of milk before I went to bed but hey what can you do. Well there went 20 minutes I suppose I will go a little over to leave a quote from jerry Garcia "live life to the fullest and in death all you can be is grateful. "

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30

I'm planning a trip to South Padre, and I don't exactly have any real place to stay(besides the car). I guess I always feel a little more nervous about the state of my affairs before I do any physical activity during the day. I think that the endorphins make a big change in my thoughts and state of being. I enjoy physical activity to for the competitive aspect. Recently, I've come to enjoy more extreme sports such as mountain biking, street hockey, and surfing. These sports seem to add an aspect of danger which makes the adrenaline run even faster. It reminds of the Goo Goo Dolls song "Iris" where the singer writes about "bleeding just to know your alive. " The mixture of hard physical workout and a sense of danger accompanied with adrenaline add color to life where it wasn't there before and give a sense of perspective to other areas of life. I can't help but wonder if this passage is being influenced by the music I'm listening to on the CD player. I think that it's probably still an accurate representation because I don't know if music can do anything but influence or bring out different parts of yourself. Speaking of music I'm going to play guitar as much as I possibly can now because I've beaten the video game Goldeneye. I'd also like to start writing more. I haven't written in awhile and it's something that I've been missing. The opportunity to be reflective and listen to yourself is a wonderful thing which I haven't been taking advantage of lately. I'd like to publish a book eventually with the sum of a lot of my writing. It would be like a journal of varied types of entries which would open a gateway into the inner recesses of my mind, a window into the core of my being. There are many different enjoyable aspects to writing. In addition to the chance to look at yourself and life, the ability to meld your thoughts into words in the most eloquent way possible is a fabulous thrill. Speaking of acts of creation, I would also like to take more pictures with my new camera. I'm trying to expand my self as a visual artist through photography. I hope to capture a little of the essence of my experiences through the lens of the camera. I took some really good pictures on my last two rolls. The best picture appears to be the result of serendipity. I took a picture at Mesa Verde of some of the Indian ruins, and out of the shadows of the rocks, a giant face appears. It's an incredible picture. It's a better picture than I thought I'd ever take. I hope I have the gift of capturing beauty on film. It would be a neat talent to have.

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so many things to do. must read in rhetoric today. two whole chapters. I wonder if I should drop that class. she seems nice but only gives 3 or 4 A's. I could be one of those A's. but what if I'm one of those C's that she says are "solid writers"?? wish I was a good writer. after I read must read chemistry and psychology if I don't start soon I'll never start. and lord knows if I get behind in any of my classes, I'll never catch up again. I'm glad that I bought the notes today for chemistry. now I know what to study. but it was expensive our professor must be making a fortune! can't wait until 7:30pm I can take a break from life and focus on me! me me me me. I'll finally be able to go to the gym and work out. I've gained so much weight already. I wonder if my boyfriend notices and just doesn't say anything. I bet he notices. he never complements me anymore. I'm a little disappointed in myself for letting my self go. I should've been more cautious about my eating habits. sometimes I just eat because there's nothing to do not because I'm hungry. I know that's wrong. to make matters worse my boyfriend is such a hard core work out freak. although I'm skinny, I'm slowly losing my girlish figure that attracted him to me. I know for a fact he can do better than me, but why is he with me? he says I'm everything anyone could ever want but I have so many flaws. for instance, I have the quickest temper and stubbornness in the whole wide world. my hair is still damp from taking a shower. that shower was good. it washed away the whole afternoon. all the stress. I hate being late. that's probably why I'm always half an hour early for all my classes. everyone thinks I'm a nerd but I just consider myself punctual. quite an overachiever. I like being an overachiever. it's the most commonly used word to describe me with. I always try to get ahead. that's why I'm always so stressed out. sometimes I wish I was not such a worry wart. I want to be laid back, really I do, but my happiness comes with having everything done and done on time and done well. the feeling of finishing and completing everything thoroughly and fully is the best feeling in the whole world. and that's what makes me an overachiever. this project isn't even done now. it's supposed to be done in a couple of weeks. I tried to do this project the day after proof. pennebaker assigned it but for some odd reason the site was down. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. hmmm. what should I eat for dinner. it's $0. 30 chicken wing night at pluckers. I live right above pluckers so it'd be easy to get to but I still have left overs in the fridge so I'll save myself the 3 or 5 dollars and eat in AGAIN. I wish I was rich. I wouldn't have to worry about how much dinner cost. I remember the day when it used to be like that. but I'm glad I ran away. I'm with jeff now and he's better than having all the money in the world. I kind of regret not going to boston college though. that was my dream. that was my huge sigh of relief after high school. that was the product of 12 years of overachieving. UT isn't bad. it's not great either. some people say it's like an Ivy League school but I highly doubt that. I would pick an east coast school over hicktown UT anytime. but since I'm here I have to make the best of this situation and endure the poor weather and large campus. six more minutes of writing. that means I can start thinking about what to do next. I think I'll read psychology since that's what I'm doing now. just the first chapter tonight then the first chapter in chemistry. that should do me for now then rhetoric I have to read chapters two through three. I think I've got it together now. 4 more minutes. wow, it's already been twenty minutes! this assignment relieved me of a lot of stress already! now I just have to read and take really good notes. no more online junk to take care of anymore. I have using the computer. don't people know that handwriting things is the best way to learn and memorize? well, I guess for me others love it. yes one more minute. I think I'll snack and study. it keeps me motivated. I guess that's it. I enjoyed this project!

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my name is david i am 19 years old and i love to work out and talk to girls i don't know why i love girls so much i like girls who are tanned athletic and have nice breasts. I have a girlfriend i have been dating for 2 years its been to long i am going to houston today i am eager so i can finally get my car serviced and eat good food. UT has so many hot girls god im lucky. i enjoy pasta the castillian food sucks. my girlfriend does not have large breasts but she doesnt care that i check out other girls well she does but oh well. i see a bag of trail mix, it was a rip off they only filled the bag half way. i wish i could rollerblade i havent rollerbladed in so long. man im thirsty its hotter in austin than it is in houston, im going to lift weights monday i look foward to it its been a while. I've been dedicated to navy seal fitness program and all my friends pressure me to screw it and just lift weights. well i never have time to do much in austin, i hope i get a 4. 0 my remaining 3 years here. erin is prettier than my girlfriend in fact if my girlfriend knew what i do with erin late at night and almost every day im sure she would be hurt but i can't resist such tanned flesh. im really not a bad guy i love my girlfriend but i fall in love easily or i used to i don't love erin but i can easily see myself slip up and kissing her. I really don't know what would happen like would she really kiss me back, shes got a good heart i don't know if she would feel comfortable kissing a cheating boyfriend. I've never cheated even though it would be easy for me somehow my girlfriend would find out i know it. i really want to play video games right now. if video games and girls didnt exist i probably would already be a doctor. I am extremely smart well not extremely but i am capable of handling anything i think. i get pissed off so easily if people call me dumb which im not. i don't dress up at all here and i still look good i wish i didnt have acne i swear if i was in a stupid frat i would be swimming in women, why do girls liek frat guys those guys are thick headed they wouldnt be able to maintain a healthy relationship if i pointed a gun to their heads, everyone in austin drives horribly. I swear its almost as if they want to run pedestrians over each time i walk home. fuck them i would have no remorse killing anyone running me over or even try a sad attempt to kill me. i feel im going to be around for a long time. i hope god will always forgive me for things i do, i love god its just hard to include him in my life all the time. my girlfriend just called me she almost told my brother she had period god that would been awful thank god. i hate cell phones they hurt my head oh now its breaking up whata surprise. my girlfriend always calls at bad times i find myself rarely needing to talk to her all it end up is doing something i don't want to do. ugh shut up tracy i don't care go jamba juice soudns good right now. i hope punctuation doesnt matter my computer is so old. thursday night at club 607 was such a waste of time, i saw stupid mexican trash pissing on an escalade i hate mexican trash i feel fine openly saying this because guess what im one of them except i actually have whiter skin and better manners and a brain. i am the best damn latin man out there if only more girls knew, if only i knew spanish. I love trance music, i have not met anyone who wasn't on drugs who likes my music. I ve never done drugs thank god. i need to go to church but i probably won't anyway i havent been to church probably since christmas. man i want more girls. i hope im not sick i think its just allergies. this computer is really loud but right after this its jamba jucie and warcraft time. violent and realistic video games are the best. my girlfriend really hates thinking about death rape anything violent. we are different in areas sometimes i play video games too much, man if i didnt have to drive her back home with me i could leave so much earlier. fine arts major what a joke. genetics is serious business i love genetics i wish i had more time to study for my genetics quiz this friday. i hope i did well i really like the teachers at UT they are really accomplished not like the joke profs at UTA i shudder thinking about last yr at UTA.

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I just wrote for about 18 minutes and I accidentally cleared it all so I’m just going to write poetry. good enough. hey your glass is empty its a hell of a long way home . why don’t you let me take you its no good to go alone. I never would have opened up but you seemed so real to me. after all the bullshit I've heard its refreshing not to see. I don’t have to pretend . she doesn’t expect it from me. so don’t tell me why I haven’t been good to you. don’t tell me I haven’t been good to you. just tell me why nothing is good enough hey little girl would you like some candy . momma said its ok. the door is open come on outside . no I cant come out to play . its not the wind that cracked your shoulder . who’s there that makes you so afraid you’re shaking to the bone . you know I don’t understand you deserve so much more than this so just tell me why he’s never been good to you don’t tell me why he’s never been there for you. ill tell you that why is simply not good enough. I can be good to you and I will be there for you and ill show you why your so much more than good enough. that was just some stuff I made up in my head I hope it is what you were looking for in this stuff.

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I don't like having to write an my couch. I need a better place to work. I don't want to go to work tonight. I sometimes feel like a trained animal jumping through a hoop. I really want a dog. Somebody that will always be there for me. I thought I had that in my boyfriend. I was always there for him Why is it that I always find the guys that I like or care about are unstable. Is it because I myself am unstable and I want someone else to make me feel better about my soft insanity. Or do I project such an image of pure stability that they desire. I would like to be in a stable right now. Talking to a stable and then an unstable person, while grooming a horse. I want a horse to be able to ride him fast an hard through an open field to a tree that I could climb. The last time I climbed a tree I was trying to escape being pursued by a guy who had a girlfriend. I should have probably just told him no. Should I be more aggressive? I think that I am not because I can feel at times so much what other people are feeling. I don't them to be hurt by me because I myself have been hurt enough. I have always wished for an average American family A dog, a house with a fence, 2. 3 kids. I never got that though. I am beginning to realize that I am glad that I didn't. I like the person I am very much. I still need much more from myself though. I wonder why I surround myself with the things that I do. Why do I make my home a haven. Why I am afraid. Why do I have Disney videos for kids or feel the need to buy myself flowers. I need more books I want more knowledge I don't want to be another close-minded individual in this cruel and cynical world. oxymoron. Jeremiah would like The Picture of Dorian Gray. I hope he will read it. Where am I right now what do I need to be doing to get to my destination. I need to allow God back into my life. I need to stop shutting him out. I need to vacuum, and do laundry, paint, to do my chemistry, and talk to my soon to be ex-boyfriend. That is scary. I am going to alone again Why do I fear that so much. Maybe I am looking for the father I never had I need someone to be there to praise me. I need to spend more time with more people. I put myself into seclusion to much But I like it My bicycles wheels are awfully big. they are huge, I don't understand why guys always wish that they had a bigger penis even when they are large in the first place. Why do I have such a sexual mind. Have I Made myself that way for guys or am I naturally this way. Few things are natural anymore. I want to go camping and run through the Forrest naked like a nymph or a fairy. I want to appear magical to all those around me.

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it was an awesome meal went to Chuys. the best chicken enchiladas I have ever had. my friend jay came to visit out of the clear blue. just showed up at my door today. I was pretty excited about seeing him. I really miss san Antonio. I miss my family a lot. talked to my mom today. she says how much they all miss me there and how empty the house is without me. whatever. I'm the one in a claustrophobic dorm room living with a complete stranger. at least they still have each other. I'm the one on my own. don't get me wrong, I love the freedom of living on my own, it's just a little bit hard to make the transition at first. especially if you're as close to your family as I am. all of my really close friends are at a&m. that's weird. my two best friends from the first grade(we all used to live on the same street)go to school there and complain that they miss me. at least they are together. I have a lot of friends here and a lot of people I know(I never run out of things to do)but it just isn't the same. don't have that bond with other friends. oh, well. make new friends but keep the old. I met a really cool girl the other day. she's in my RTF class. man, that class is so huge 500 people! I'm so worried about doing well in that class cause it's my major and I really want to make an a in there. the TA said that none of us would do as well as we think we will on the first test. great. that makes me feel good about it. it is really interesting, though. I hope I picked the right major, though. it's such a competitive field. I want to do really well. not just push a camera around for big stars for the rest of my life. I want to be one of the big stars. that would be a dream come true. wow. I don't even really know what I want to do with my degree yet. sometimes I think that that's cool and that I'm only 18 and I don't need to know all of that stuff just yet. then again, I'm in school and my parents are paying a lot of money for my education. I don't want to disappoint them and become one of those drifters who can't decide what they want to do until they have already been in college for like, ten years and by then they're too old to get a really awesome job anyway cause all the younger, smarter kids are getting them first. that would not be good. then I think, I'm dwelling on it entirely too much and I should just enjoy college, get the education I came here for and get on with my life. just sort of go with the flow. I don't normally stress out, but when I sit alone and actually think about it for a while, it all becomes sort of scary. you know, where I am in life. where I am going. where am I going? that's the hard part(and it's sort of exciting)is not knowing the future. not knowing what is going to happen from day to day. we just take life as it comes. I have a class at nine in the morning . it is so freaking hard to wake up for that class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'm really proud of myself cause I haven't missed a single day of class yet. a lot of people I know have been skipping out. it's so easy to do. but not me. even when it was pouring rain outside, I still went to class. soaking wet. I'm so concerned about doing well.

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twenty seconds and I still haven't thought of anything. Jennifer is crazy for taking all those chemistry classes! I couldn't even work on my math problems, and concentrate. I don't know how she makes it all those hours with science and math. We're going to watch that movie tonight, in a little while, so I need to finish my homework pretty soon, and get a head start on the week, so I don't have too much to worry about. I need stop freaking out the ghost in our community bathroom! Those shower curtains don't open themselves! I wonder is molly is going to be happy for me and jen about being the new wing representatives? wow that's a big word. I wonder if that's how you spell it. I need to clean up my room before my roommate throws my stuff out in the hall. Stupid jose can't really mean what he said. He said he's not IN love with me, and just loves me. But I know we'll get back together. I'm sure of that. Now. . Whhooooahhhh I clicked that button too many times. I really hope they don't run out of the poster I want. I signed up to work for 5 hours at the poster sales to get $50 worth of credit for that poster starry night. wow that hairstyle's weird. That guy must work hard to get it like that. maybe I should stop looking out the door. it's too quiet in here, since jen doesn't listen to her music out loud. I love that people miss me back home, and that makes me feel like I was someone back there. the more I look around this room, the more I like the color purple. I remember the superman theme from stucco, and the way Michael looked in his cape. I wish I had my photo album with me right now to show jen. mmmmmmmmmmuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa the eyes of Texas are upon you. . Today's lunch was super cool, because me and jen went back to the buffet, where she saw her friend who also happens to be Hispanic too! I was so glad when I saw Hispanics here. I need to add more people to my yahoo, because I only have four people. I don't know why more people here don't have messenger, like people back home. this is so cool, because it keeps you thinking, and you see it right in front of you. This is so much fun, I should do this more often and then find the pattern of what I seem to think about more often. darn! my time is already running out. this was fun. I'm down to like 15 seconds. I hope I did this assignment right.

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I just walked in my room from going out and it seems the AC is not working. The room feels stiff with warm air that has been dormant for days. The smell of warn-off room freshener and paint enraptures me as I look in perplexity at the clothes thrown carelessly on the floor. Two canvases lay on the stained carpet. The idea was to paint each one different, but to have the same motif. It was harder to come up with an idea than I thought it would be. That was a few hours ago, which was before I had a glass of the fratty punch. It's so silly, how these fraternities make punch with around seventy-five percent alcohol. What are they trying to do to us? Women are not primitive. We understand what they have in mind. See, if it was up to the guys, they would drink heavy beer from noon until dawn. But it is the punch that us ladies enjoy, and that is clear enough evidence for the boys to work vigerously weekly on the near-poisenous beverages that they supply. As I stood there earlier on the lawn in front of the frat boys' house, I suddenly asked myself a question. Do these boys really want to talk to me? I wondered. And if they do. why? Two things quickly were brought to my attention. One was the fact that if they did want to talk to me it was because they either liked my company, or that they liked the way they visioned me without my outfit on, one which by the way took me 35 minutes to pick out. How ironic huh?! The other was the fact that if they didn't desire to converse with me, that they had enough respect for me to actually return the small talk, and even at times initiate the redundant aquaintance talk so often practiced at frat parties. It was then that I realized that either way, they were talking to me, and I got to talk to them just long enough to smell their woodsy cologne, as well as to look into their dreamy eyes! Those stupid frat boys. Man are they dumb, but they sure are entertaining!!!

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I didn't go to class this morning. I feel really bad for not going, it's the first class I've missed so far. It was only Calculus-I'm not having any trouble in that class so far. I'm having the most trouble in Chemistry. I hate Chemistry. I almost wish my major was different so that I wouldn't have to take it. I took it in high school and I had trouble with it there. College is so much better than high school. Everyone said that once I was in college, I would wish I was back in high school-I don't wish that yet! I really hated high school I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. Senior year was the worst-especially towards the end. I did so bad in school then. I can't believe I still got into UT. I didn't think I was going to get in. I remember when I found out-it was a Wednesday night and I made my brother check my status at UT on the internet. he didn't want to because I had been making him check it everyday for the past week and it always said that they were still reviewing my application. this time it said they had accepted me we were so excited no on e was there though just me, my brother and my boyfriend- he was asleep on the couch though and I woke him up to tell him and he didn't even act like he cared he just kind of grunted and went back to sleep-he's always like that though he never thinks anything I do that I'm proud of is really all that great anyway the night I found out was the night before me my brother my boyfriend and my best friend left for spring break vacation in Puerto Vallarta. That vacation was so fun!! except I was sick the whole time so that sucked the food was so gross

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I'm thinking that this is a crazy assignment. It's only been 17 seconds, I have a long way to go. My stupid brother keeps instant messaging me, I wish he would go away. There's a menu on my desk to a sandwich place we went to yesterday, that was pretty good. I wonder what we'll eat tonight. I'm tired of Jester Pizza. It's really not that good. Now it's only been a minute and 37 seconds. 40 seconds. Stupid kid keeps I'M-ing me. Good now he signed off. My roommate is reading the fourth Harry Potter book and I can hear her turning the pages. She is also drinking something and sipping really loudly, which is really getting annoying, but I don't know if I should say anything about it because that would probably be construed as rude and it's awfully early in the year to have her mad at me already. I've been chewing this gum for about an hour now and it's almost completely lost it's flavor. My sandal just fell off and I wonder where it went. My roommate stopped sipping whatever it was. I think it was soup. Who drinks soup out of a cup? Aren't you supposed to use a spoon? Maybe we're out of spoons. That's no good. I'm going home this weekend so maybe I'll get my mom to buy us some new spoons. My phone is ringing and I'm pretty sure it's my ex-boyfriend Keith but I'm not going to answer it. I'll probably tell him it's because I'm writing this, but I really just don't feel like talking to him right now. His new relationship is probably not going well and he probably wants to talk about it so we can get back together, but I don't really want to. I don't like being the plan B. I don't think it's very fair. The page scrolled down enough that I can't see how much time has passed. I'm thinking maybe like 5 minutes. Does this thing stop when it's 20 minutes? Now my roommate is writing something. My foot kind of hurts where my shoe rubbed on the way to psychology class. Probably wasn't a smart choice of shoes. Oh well. I wonder when that water bottle is from. Yesterday I think. My printer has a blue button. I'm getting kind of bored of this and I don't really like to type. I hate e-mail and instant message and all that garbage. Why can't people just call you on the phone? It's so much easier and then you hear the tone in their voice and know if they're being sarcastic or not. Sarcasm is completely lost in the electronic communication system thingy. Now I'm staring at the wall. It's a painted brick kind of wall, which is probably smart of whoever designed this place, but it sucks if you want to hang stuff up. We tacked a bunch of posters up everywhere. My best friend Kristyn got a bunch of them for me. Too bad she is not here. We're going out to dinner tomorrow night, no the night after. Anyway, Friday night is when we're going out to dinner. I haven't seen her in a week, which I'm sure doesn't sound like a long time, but she used to be my neighbor when I lived at my parents house so I'm still kind of used to seeing her everyday. She is going to go to massage therapy school somewhere around here. I always forget the name of it, but it's supposed to be not very far away from campus. Now my hand is starting to hurt from typing all this crap. I think if I reread this, I'd probably think I was crazy. All of this is pretty random. I want the phone to ring because now I'm in the mood to talk to him. He is not very nice sometimes, but sometimes he really is. I think this is probably a bad situation. He wants us to be friends. He is a good friend, he is just not very good at being anything more than friends. He is not a very good people person I guess. My roommate is rolling around in her bed, it's kind of distracting. I have a pencil from the greensheet and I don't remember where I got or who could have possibly left it here. Where did it come from? Do people actually read the greensheet? I've never seen someone reading it. Kinda weird. My mom works for the Austin American Statesman, but she doesn't write or take pictures or anything like that, she works in HR. Time must be almost up. Ha, it does tell me when this is over!

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I like the idea of doing class assignments over the WWW. it's much easier. I think someday all assignments and teaching will be done through a web of interlinked computers. Students will sit at home in the same spot every day and fulfill their college requirements without ever seeing a professor or fellow student. I wouldn't like that however. Something would be lost without the direct personal lectures. A person telling me something with a unique style and delivery leaves a greater impression on me than any computer text ever could. I feel like I'm sticking with this subject too long, I'm thinking with too much structure. But I think that is the way I am. Before I communicate, whether by typing on a computer or talking to someone, I usually have a solid idea of what I'm going to say. I don't usually have spontaneous outbursts or a direct communication of a free flowing consciousness. I hear someone whistling in the hall, he's probably an active who will make me clean some mess up. oh well. Wow I reached the second line, I just figured this entire submission would be one never ending line of text; like some huge sentence that rambles on and on and says nothing. Isn't that ironic. I have something in the back of my head that says all this writing is just meaningless rambling. But if this is an exercise to allow my free flowing mind to be translated onto paper, that would mean that what I'm thinking is just meaningless rambling. It's always like that. My mind just jumps from random thought to random sensation (this chair isn't too comfortable) at light speed. No matter how fast I write, I don't think I could ever capture the zany, random, chaotic, and highly elusive thoughts that tickle my neurons for a millisecond then become forgotten in the same instant. But if they become forgotten how do I know about them? I wonder what I'll do tonight. I'm not sure at all. It's one of those times when I could have fun doing anything. I might. I don't know. it doesn't even matter. I don't know what else to write. I'm at a loss. Maybe by brain just hopped down a frequency. I just went from the imaginative (sort of) colorful thought chord (you know the kind you get when you read a good sci-fi book), to a superficial lethargic tone. I feel like a cave man, the only thing my mind says right now is "food. " Thank you.

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At this particular moment I am considering whether or not I should have started this stream of consciousness thing or whether I should be cooking some food. Since I'm pretty hungry, I'm not sure it was a good idea for me to have started this knowing that I have to keep typing for another 19 minutes or so. Hopefully my stomach will hold out long enough. Other than that I am wondering why you are having us do this assignment. Is it like the experimental research that is required; are some of our samples going to be used in some psychological theory? Or, is this for our benifit, will I come to some startling realizations about how my mind works that will totally change my life? Well, tracking what I have written so far, it appears that my priorities are food, and other necessities. Then I go on to question the purpose of this assignment. It appears that whoevers hierarchy idea was correct. I'm thinking Mavlov, but I might be wrong. any way he said that once the basic needs were taken care of then the person should work on the higher needs such as love and peace and democracy and all that, but untill everyone can be secure in an environment with their needs provided for them they will not be to worried about the finer things in life or be able to attain them for that matter. For that matter. for that matter I don't even know what for that matter means. I guesse it means also. what a waste of words. wow I'm also noticing that I have stopped using propper pronunciation. cool. I guesse thats the assignment so who am I to argue hmmmm pronunciation is a waste of time a constriction gets in the way of us getting our thoughts onto a hyperlinked web page I suppose the brain doesn't think in pronunciation but it sure helps everyone else if the writings are organized in one particular manner anyway I don't really care about that too much I think the real reason for this assignment is so that we will get comfortable with this set up. I'm sure the real objective will be revealed in a later assssignment this is just getting us used to it and able to pour our thoughts over teh keyboard in a somewhat coherent if illogical way. why am I so interested in teh purpose? hmm. maby I should just do it and not care what teh purpose is maby ignorance is bliss maby this is a psychological evaluation by the fbi to determine if I am eligible to be a programmed assasin like mel gibson in conspiracy theory, ironic that was a consppiracy therory of my own coincidence ? I'll let whoever reads this thing, if anyone, decide. Like I said before I need to make some food because I'm hungry I know I'm supposed to do this for 20 minutes but I wasn't really keeping tracki of time but since I type faster and think faster than the aaverage person I'm sure that I put enough stuff down to count yeah proba ly so proavba lj asdflja probably so.

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I really can not wait until this weekend. UT is playing Rice in football and I have some friends who play for Rice. I have not seen these friends since this summer. I have only seen them on t. v. when they got killed my Michigan last week. I hope that they play better this week. I feel bad saying it, but I kind of hope Rice wins. I know it sounds terrible, but they are my friens & one of the players is my ex-boyfriend, but we are still good friends. I am most excited about seeing him. I talk to him on the phone occasinaly, but I have not seen him in person since July. We lived about 45 minutes away from each other and that made it kind of hard to see each other - that is why we broke up. The way we met was pretty cool. Every year my home town (Conroe) has a BBQ Cook Off. Let me tell you it is so much fun - I look forward to it each year. My dad has had a team in the cook off ever since I can remember. Anyway, before the cook off last March a lot of my friends went over to my friends apartment. One of my friends who plays football for Rice was coming down and he was bringing a lot of his friends with him. They all showed up at the apartment and we left for the cook off. My friends and I thought this one guy was so cute & he ended up driving my best friend and me to the cook off. I talked to him some that night, but then he and his friends all went back to Houston. Months went by and I graduated high school and for my senior trip we went to Cancun. We had been there for a few days and one of my friends on the trip with me told me that he had just ran into "the cute guy from the cook off" down stairs. I couldn't believe it. He just happened to be in Cancun at the same time as me & he was staying in the same hotel. We all ended up meeting and going out together & we had so much fun. Ever since then we have talked and become really good friends. I guess that is why I am so excited about this weekend.

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This hasn't been a good day. We had an assignment due in English Friday and I just found it in my backpack along with someone else's. How did it get there? Don't ask me. It has been raining all day here in Houston and it is as always hot and humid. I was going to ride my horse but the rain is preventing me from that too. I am watching my house and my little brother while my parent dig for rocks in Arkansas. They are visiting my older brother and his wife. I don't see him much since he got married. I went to go see my friend who had a baby about a month ago. She was supposed to come to UT but now for obvious reasons she is staying at home. My older sister is having a baby in November. I am so excited but sad because she lives in Cleveland so it is not very easy for us to visit her. We went over the summer and it was nice to go because all of my relatives live up there. I really want to go to New York City! My best friend and I might go over the summer and stay with my suite mate. My best friend is going to A&M. Why? I have no idea but I miss her like crazy. I have never had a best friend that I connect with like I do with her. I saw her this weekend in Houston. She came back for the Clay Walker concert that someone had asked her to got to. Our homecoming for our high school is next weekend so I will see her again at that. My birthday is coming up and I am excited I guess. I already know what I'm getting so the surprise aspect isn't there this year. I do get to go do an experiment with spiders on my birthday, fun! I'm definitely not a bug gal. I can see the sun has come out now so when I'm done with this I'm going to go visit my horse. I miss not having him around. I have been riding for 8 years and been on this particular horse for 5. I tried every sport until I found this. I do like volleyball but being short doesn't help ones career. I went to the UT volley ball game and those girls were massive! They were like 6'1'', 6'2''. It was amazing to watch them play. I missed the football game but I heard we won big time so that is good news. I am anxious to get back to see all of my friends. I really lucked out like 7 of my really good friends go to UT. My older brother goes there and my younger brother wants to also. Guess the whole family will be there soon. I brought my car up there but it is a standard and my brother still hasn't learned how to drive it! Oh well more time for me!

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Today has been a good day so far. I only had one class today, Philosophy, and it was better than the first time I went. I get scared here. There are so many people and I don't know where I stand yet. It is so much different from where I am from. My hometown is extremely small and everyone knows everyone so coming to Austin was a huge change for me. Everyone seems so smart and everyone seems to know exactly what they are doing, the classes they are taking and everything. I have know idea what I plan on majoring in. Right now I am undeclared, Natural Science and I don't know where that will lead me. Maybe I will figure it out one day though. I am sure I have too. It is so hot outside. My mom told me that it hasn't rained in my hometown in 51 days. I can't believe that. That is so outrageous. She also said that there were grass fires all around our house. That is so scary. I don't want anything to happen to them. We live so far out and all the fires have been our way. It is so scary. My dad works all the time. All he does is work. My parents are both coming down this weekend for the first UT football game. I am so excited. I think it will be a blast. I have gone to tons of games and they are always a blast. I don't understand this friend I have. She has always wanted to go to Baylor, ever since she was a little girl. Now, she has this boyfriend who goes to a&m and now she is going to transfer to a&m to be with him. And to top it off, they are getting engaged. She has been with this guy for only three months. I don't understand people sometimes. I mean you think you know someone so well and then one day you think you don't know them at all. There are only a few people from my high school here. I am glad though. I want to meet other people, to broaden my horizon. I didn't know my roommate before I moved here and we get along great. She is so nice and I think we will be pretty good friends. I have this one friend who did come here from my high school and she is negative about everything and everyone and it drives me crazy. She gripes about the sorority stuff and about people going out at night, about people laying out during the day, and just stuff that shouldn't even matter at all. I mean who cares about these people. Let them do what they want and don't criticize them. It is so stupid the way she acts sometimes. She thinks that I am the only one she can hang out with here and I feel bad because I want to go meet more people and do what I want without being criticized for it. I wonder what my brother is doing these days. He lives in San Marcos and I haven't even talked to him since I have been here. Maybe I will call him today. He is 3 years older than I am. We get along really well, but he has a girlfriend that he is always with so that is another reason why I haven't seen him in a while. I am in this sorority. I don't know if it is me though. I mean I don't know if I want to tie myself down to all of that stuff. It is kind of hard to tell right now though. I will have to give it time I think. If I don't like it I will just drop out. I am so tired these days it seems like I have something to do all the time. Like I never get a chance to just stop what I am doing to rest. I love Austin though and I am really happy here. My boyfriend and I are doing pretty good too. I am glad about that. He lives in Denton and goes to UNT. It is really sad though that we can't be together now and we are so far apart. I don't know really what to do. I cry a lot about it because I love this guy so much and I want everything to work out, but I just don't know how we are going to be able to handle not seeing each other for weeks and weeks at a time. It is horrible. But, I think we can do it. We have been together for 2 years and about 2 months now so I think it is possible. I don't want anyone else either. I mean he is everything I ever wanted so I don't think I should even look for anyone else. He is the best. Plus, guys scare me like all the STDs these days I wouldn't know who was lying to me or who was telling the truth and so I think I will just stay with the guy I have now. Oh, I miss him so much. I have two Chinese pug dogs and I miss them too. College is such a big change. Especially for me, coming to Austin from such a small town. But, I can handle it.

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I wonder if anything is going to come to mind as I am supposed to do this assignment. It is really hard for me to do something when I am put on the spot, such as this assignment asks me to do. What can I possibly write about the 20 minutes I have that will be enough to satisfy the professor. I wonder why there are Braille letters on drivethrough ATM machines. It was a coincidence that I mentioned that to my friend and then in Family Relationships the professor mentioned it. What do I have to do today? I have a crapload of Math that I have been putting off that is due Wednesday. I still have half of it to finish and I swear to myself that I will finish it today, but I know that I will keep on putting it off until I have to stay up most of the night to finish it the day before. I never stay up to late though, unless it is a project that I am really into and I will spend the little time that I have to really do my best on it. On other stuff like Math or something I am less passionate about I won't care what grade I will get, I won't stay up past 1:00am on a project I am not interested in. Ah, a procrastinators life. But well, I am not sure if it will work for me in college. In high school I did just fine, but I am not sure about college. I guess I will have to wait until my first tests to decide if I should change my ways, but looking at it realistically, I probably will not. I always tell myself to do this or change that, and I do for that week but I always know I will go back to being the same thing I try so many countless time to change. I really want to be like my roommate. She studies all the time, but like my friend Cindy said yesterday, she is one of those people who really has to try hard to get good grades. She doesn't think I am one of those people, She isn't. But honestly I would not want a doctor that never cracked a book open until the day before a test and made all As to be my doctor. If she ever decides that is what she wants to be. She is always changing her major, but she is going to med school, at least that is what she says. I don't know what I want to be. I am confused. I tell her I want to be a vet, and then she reminds me of the day I almost vomited when Coda, my dog, took a crap in my room. If I can't stand dog crap, how am I going to be a vet. I just realized that I have to pee, but I still have 4 more minutes to write and then check my spelling, I think I am just going to submit it like this, he said so himself that it will be graded if I have done the assignment, not my spelling. I just realized that I have changed the subject. I always to that. Somebody could be talking about homework and I will bust out saying "Look a my new sandals. " I think aloud too much. Oh, yeah. ok. I also said I wanted to be a marine biologist and she reminded me how afraid I am of sharks. I don't know what she is trying to do to me.

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26

to tell you the truth I really have now idea what to say. So. I guess the easiest thing to do to make the 20 mins. pass as quickly possible is to tell you all about myself. Where to start??? Well. I was born in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia in the Clinic B Hospital. To my fellow Aramcon's I am also known as a "clinic B Baby. " I am, however, not the slightest bit Saudi even though the experience has had a wonderful and great impact on my life. What brought my parents, Dan and Karen, to Arabia in the 1st place was the huge amount of oil. My father is a geologist and a graduate of UT. My parent's have been visiting me here in Texas and are leaving tomorrow back to Saudi:-( I'm used to the good-byes though so although I am quite sad it is something that I have learned to get used to. I attended a little all girls boarding school in McLean, Va for the past 3 years so I guess my transition went quite a but smoother than that of my fellow Freshmen. Well. I am getting bored of talking about myself so I guess I'll move on to something else. I just returned from UT's caving society meeting. It was BY FAR the most interesting experience of my day. Well. to begin. there were no other UT students from the looks of things excluding the friends that I went with. Instead I ran into a TON of my parents old family friends. My parents met while caving with the UT club in Mexico AGES ago and my uncle TR was the famous old president of the Club ages ago and discovered some huge cave in Mexico. I had know idea what I was getting myself into when I happened to see a little flyer about the meeting and am so excited about caving in the near-by future. This weekend I'm going camping with my sister, Katie, and we're supposed to do some caving while we are there so I'm psyched! Only 2 more day to go! Bye!

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30

I am doing this at the last minute and feel bad that I am but we do not have internet access at my house right now because our America Online is on the fritz but I am very happy that I can do it at the library. Now that I have been typing for three minutes I feel more relaxed and confident, I hope that this computer will submit this to you after I complete the assignment. I have a lot going on in my life at the moment, pledgeship is taking its toll in me and consuming a lot of my time and at least my business has slowed down at the moment. I have a little time to catch my breath. I am very pleases and excited with UT and look forward to getting back into my groove and having a set schedule. Pledgeship is taking up a lot of time but it is only for 8 weeks and that is good I need a date for the party this Friday night and am a little preoccupied with it. , there are a few girls that I have in mind and would like to take and of course I want to make a good impression at my first pledge party so I will look good to my fellow pledge brothers. my pager just went off which means that I have another job to go do and I will do it tomorrow I hope that I am doing the correct thing for your experiment I firmly believe that there can never be a random experiment because once a person knows they are being experimented on it can and will influence their outcome. this is what I told my statistics teacher when we were discussing random surveys. come on have you ever been in the mall and somebody asks you to do an experiment and you slightly alter your answers because either you were embarrassed or the like, sure we all have and that is why people are not truly random I believe that we all have logarithms that are inherent in our minds, kind of like blueprints or instincts that tell us to act of do certain things and with these being in our mind we can never truly be random. If broken down to the lowest level a pattern would form and from this pattern we would be able to predict responses and behavior thus disproving the theory of randomness My time is about up I hope that you have enjoyed listening to the voice in my head and I also hope that you will see things with a different perspective now. If you don't that's okay because not many people think that the random theory is true anyway. But I do.

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11

Oh. I don't even have a clue about the purpose of this assignment. Will Professor Pennebaker use this writing assignment as some kind of test? Interesting approach! Oh. wow. I have Psychology this Monday. I wonder what we're going to cover. I still have to read chapter two. Too much homework and so little time! I wonder when mom's going to get home. Is she going to the grocery store again? I have to ask Monica about this. I really want some gum. I really wish that mom would get me some. Oh. this cricket is really annoying. Stop making that sound please! Is it already the cricket season again? Last year, I've seen about a hundred crickets, some dead and some alive, in front of Eckerd. Now, we have crickets outside of my bedroom window. Great! Wow. Monica has been watching the TV for a long time now. I'll give her fifteen more minutes and then I'm going to go turn off the TV. She should read more. Oh. I have to read my Biology too. I don't exactly want to read it. It's not going to be fun. I really want to go do something exciting so I can kind of clear my head up a little bit. I can probably ask dad to take me to the lake tomorrow. We can probably bring some food and have a picnic there. I really hope dad doesn't already have a plan. I have to ask dad, right away, when he gets home. Anyway, I have to start thinking about my schoolwork. I wonder how people can make perfect 4. 0 gpas. The must be really smart. I should study harder. I need to have better study skills. Oh. this Monday I need to go meet my Biology teacher. She's a really good teacher. I need to tell her that. This woman can really explain stuff. I should go look for the red folder and check for her office hours. I wish her office hour were somewhere from twelve o'clock to two o'clock. Ah. the crickets. the noise. this is really annoying. If this keeps on going, how am I supposed to sleep tonight? I really need lots of sleep. I'm really tired today. Wow. I can't believe I actually vacuumed the whole house today. I never thought I could have done this for just one morning. Amazing! I really want mom to get home soon. I wonder what we're going to have for dinner tonight. I really want chicken noodle soup. I also want some salads. Please get home soon. I'm hungry. Oh. thirty more seconds then I'm done with this writing assignment. If Professor Pennebaker read this he'll probably think that I don't have a stable mind. Ah. time's up.

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14

Wow, my mind goes blank when someone asks me what I'm thinking. It's really strange that that guy just stopped by. He is really friendly, but kind of creepy. He just comes in and talks to everybody. It's ok, I'm the same way; I'll sit and talk to anyone. Maybe I should close the door, so I won't get distracted; but then Garrett won't see that I'm here when he gets back. Oh well, he can knock. I'm so tired, but I don't think I can sleep tonight. It's so loud in our hall at night; I'll just have to start taking naps during the day when everyone is in class. Yeah right, rest? I'm always in class; or studying. I spend more time studying than I spend in class; seems backwards. I can't wait until this weekend. Need to ask professor about ahhhh Namo's calling. Need to go to admissions office and claim CTC credit and change major. Need to ask Pennebaker about experiments. Hope Namo stops by, I'm kinda bored. This weekend will be fun; I haven't seen friends from home in a couple of weeks, so it'll be good to hang out with them. But what about Keith? I don't know how he is going to act now that we broke up. Should I tell him about Matt? Who cares? I should call Uncle David about kayaking; he really wants to go, and it will be a good stress reliever. Hope I have time; good memory. I think Matt would really like it too. I don't really want to go home, haven't been gone long enough. Why wasn't anyone in the comp lab earlier to help me. Now I'll have to go again tomorrow. It's ok, tomorrow's easy. Can't wait to swim laps again; it's a good workout. I should keep lifting weights. I don't want to lose any more weight, but it would be nice to gain some muscle; I'll keep lifting weights. Oh, have to meet Jen tomorrow for Cru. She is nice, I just don't know if I'll have time to meet in the small group regularly. That's terrible, I should never pick other things over Bible study. But I pray, and I should study on my own. I hope Annah starts going to church with me. Texas eleven? Are they still in New Mexico? Is that where they went? I don't think so. Wow, this feels like when I'm working out and waiting for the twenty minutes to be up. I keep looking and the clock. Maybe I should put on some socks; these floors are really cold, and I think they're pretty dirty too. Yuck, who else has been barefoot here? Where's Sarah, haven't seen her today. Where's my roommate? She is always here. It's ok, this is nice. I need to go to the eye doctor, because I'm having trouble focusing. Glasses would be such a pain; I hope my vision gets better on its own. Will I have time to take Spanish every semester of college? I hope so; it would be nice to be fluent. Very useful also if I work in Texas. I have to stay in Texas; it's too cold everywhere else. I love Texas anyway. Austin too. It's so great to finally live here. And home isn't too far away. I'm not homesick yet. I just want my own bed. Jester beds suck. I have to be exhausted to get comfortable in them. I hope Jenny takes me out again soon. I had lots of fun with her. I need to spend time with Kim too. I'm so glad we've been friends for so long. Even when we don't talk for a long time, she is always there. My eyes are tired. What's on tv? Absolutely nothing interesting. Where's Matt? Maybe I'll call him. No, he is with a friend. He will call later. So many books, where to start? Probably Spanish, I have that first. I need to stop eating so much candy. It's bad for my teeth and my body. Look, time's almost up. Yep, they're in New Mexico, but only ten left. What's the point? Who cares? Does anybody pay attention anymore? Did I ever? Not me!

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15

today I called up some of my friends from Harlingen (where I’m from) and we all went out to the drag. it was sooooo nice to be able to kill time, since it has been going by so slowly. I am so tired from walking all day. at least I found my exploring psychology book at bevos. I want to get fake nails put on tomorrow. my mom said that I could buy whatever I wanted, but I feel bad spending the money. oh well, at least I’m not doing anything illegal. I am so excited about rushing for that Christian sorority. I really want to make some lifelong friends here. not just some people who only care about themselves and what they're going to wear tomorrow. I wonder if it's true that a huge majority of psychology majors become shoe salesmen. great. I’m here getting homesick for nothing. I’m surprised that there are so many people talking outloud here at this computer lab. I thought I would be the loudest one here by simply opening my backpack. I wonder if it matters that I’m not using capital letters when I type. I’m sure it will be fine. I am so thirsty. since I've been here I have already finished off 18 bottles of water. at least it's helping to keep my skin clear (knock on wood). psychology is so interesting. I wonder what my stream of consciousness says about me. who knows, I’m probably sending off signals meaning that I’m going to be a psychotic weirdo when I get older. I like my necklace, but I feel like I am wearing a dog collar. it looks so tight on me; I have a huge neck to begin with. they say that the first sign of aging on a woman is when her neck wrinkles. well my neck has quite a few. I really like this computer. my keyboard is so annoying. this one has keys that write so smoothly. I hope I've been studying enough. I really need to get over the idea that college is extremely hard and requires absurd amounts of studying. I’m doing just fine! I’m really surprised that I have so much to say. I thought I would be sitting here trying to impress whoever's going to read this by using really big words and coming up with impressive thoughts. I guess I was really wrong. I forgot my glasses in my dorm. I hope I’m not damaging my eyes by not wearing them. these girls sitting beside me are really getting loud. it's really getting annoying. all of a sudden they quieted down. I guess I’m sending off bad signals to them. I really feel like brushing my teeth. for some reason I've been brushing them an average of five times a day. it's probably some type of stress release or something. I wonder how my friend Jody is doing back home. she just left to Harlingen this morning. I wish I could have gone home with her but I really need to duke it out here. I can do it!! what am I going to do tonight? probably study or something. I hope my roommate decides to stay in our room for once. I guess I like my space though. my mind just went blank right now and I don’t have anything to say. I really admire the older people who come to college. I wish my mom would. she deserves it. I hope I am that devoted to my child. I don’t see how someone could give up so much for someone. I know I would do it for her, but just the fact that she has done so much for me already is amazing. I wonder if animals go to heaven when they die. I really think they do. it wouldn’t be fair to me if they didn’t. I wonder how Danny is doing back home. I hope he is having a fun time. I’m so lucky to be here. I wish I could give back to someone else. maybe that volunteer organization will call me and ask if I want to help out. I definitely would jump at the chance. I need to go to the rec center and pick up an aerobics membership. I hope I’m not gaining weight here, but I guess I will find out when Jody brings my scale back up with her. I better not be gaining weight, because I spent an enormous amount of money on a personal trainer. what a waste! I hate it when people ask me what type of music I listen to. I really don’t know what to say because I don’t listen to very much music. I’m so glad I’m getting this assignment over with now so that I don’t have to rush to do it at the last minute. I need to go back to Mezes to sign up for some of those experiments. I hope there are some slots I can fill up. I’ll bet that so many people are going to end up writing a research paper just because they'll put of going to sign up for the experiments or because they don’t show up to participate. what a waste! maybe I shouldn't talk, because I can just see that happening to me now. I wish I was good at math. that would be the ultimate! I've been typing for twenty minutes now, so I think I’ll sign off. I’m surprisingly sleepy! you all probably wont read this until a few months from now, but I just want to say thanks for such a wonderfully convenient assignment :) I hope I’m not too weird :))))

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21

Realizing that I am on my own left to create a future all by myself is a responsability which excites me. Everyday, I open my eyes and look around the room to see my roommate ( a perfect stranger only a few weeks ago) eating her daily breakfast and I have to hit myself just to make sure that my life is a reality. I have waited so long for college, for freedom for independence and now I posses all these things. And as excited as I am, I also ponder in thoughts of dissapointment. Not in myself or my actions but in all I have left behind. Yes I am talking about my family and friends and my own room and homemade meals, but I am also talking about my childhood and innocence. Ok, go with me for a little bit--- I know it's cheesy and a little extreme but it's true. I am on my own now, making all (well actually most) of my decisions on my own. I don't have my mom yelling at me to stop talking on the phone or to start doing my homework. My teachers aren't there to take role call or to ask you how life is treating you. All those thing that I took for granted but were a daily part of my life. Don't get me wrong, I love the freedom of college and the fact that I can talk for hours without my mom yelling at me or the fact that my teachers won't call my mom if I happen to skip class. I really don't know where I'm going with this, all I can offer as an explanations is that just because a freshman loves their new found freedom does not always mean that they don't miss their old life. It's hard growing up and facing up to the challenges of responsibility. I am often tempted to call my parents and beg them to send me a homemade meal or to remind me to set my alarm clock so I don't oversleep. Yet, I should confess that so far, I am handeling the whole responsability thing quite well. One thing I certainly enjoy is the fact that I can spend more time with my friends and I can go out on weekdays and I can eat unhealthy food as much as I want. Not to say that I indulge myself in such activities constantly. I guess the point of it all, is that I am confused. I am trying to find out who I am. And I think college can bring such valuable experinces as to help you understand yourself a little more. Throught the lonly moments, and the paries and the classes, through it all, I think that we are all supposed to learn a little about ourselves as well as others and the world surrounding us. Oh, and ofcourse, to get and education.

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9

This morning I went to class at 8:00AM. I was really tired so I guess I should have gone to bed earlier than I did, but I was having fun with my neighbors. After my 8:00 class, I had two more classes, but now I'm done for the day. I was so hungry when I got back at noon that I had to go eat right away in the cafeteria. Now I'm trying to do some of my homework because I have a lot to read. College is more demanding than high school. I never had to read a lot in high school, but now it seems that all of my classes require me to read 2 chapters a week. It's very hard to keep up with. And it's distracting in the dorm because something's always going on that you want to participate in. but when you have so much to do you have to set your priorities. My roommate just came back from class a few minutes ago. Her schedule is very different than mine. She went to the roof to sunbathe and then came back to the room. I really don't want to study. I'd rather watch Fear Factor that I taped last night. I was eating dinner at 7pm yesterday and therefore had to tape it instead of just watch it. I am going home this weekend to see my boyfriend. And then on Sunday I might be going to a waterpark with some of my new friends here. They are nice people. There are quite a few people here from my high school in Houston, but not many people that I was friends with. One of my friends, Sandy, is here and actually lives in the same dorm as me. She lives on the 22 floor though. I live on the 18th. It's really hard to get an elevator from this high up in the building. Sometimes I have to wait almost 5 whole minutes for one. That is especially annoying when you are on your way to class. This morning I was almost late for my economics class because I went to breakfast with my neighbors. I wasn't really hungry but I had a yogurt and some orange juice. Then I felt kind of sick. I made it to economics, but just barely before the teacher started class. My economics class is all the way over in Jester, and I live in Castillian, so it's annoying to walk all that way. Especially at 8AM. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I don't start until noon though, which is really nice. On sunday I didnt wake up until 2:30pm. That is the longest I have ever slept in. Tuesday and Thursday I have 8AM classes, but that was because I had no choice. I went to the 6th orientation, so I didnt have much left to pick from. One of my neighbors is from Houston like me. Except he's from Kingwood, which is where my boyfriend's dad lives. I like it out there, because there are lots of trees. Maybe one day I will have a house there. I hope to have 3 kids when I grow up. at least 2. I am an only child and hate it, so I don't want my kids to have to be only children. Our power just went out in our dorm room, but only in one of the switches. It happened before and my roommate and I were in darkness for days, until someone came and switched the breaker. We know what to do now, so we flipped the breaker switch and the plug started working again. When I started this writing assignment I thought 20 minutes would be a short amount of time. but now it feels neverending. I'm glad I don't have any more classes today because i'm tired. Two of my neighbors are from the Greek island of Cypress. Their acents are really cool. One of them, Serge, is celebrating his 20th b-day tomorrow, so we are all going to take him out to dinner. I don't know of any cool restaurants in Austin, since I have only been here a couple of weeks. I'm sure we'll find a nice place though. The two Greek guys actually met on the plane ride over here from Greece, and decided to be roommates. They are nice people. One of the book I bought for my Freshman Seminar class is not right, so i need to take it back. I'm glad they give us a good amount of time to return things, becaue it would be unfair if I had bought the book and just had to swallow the cost. Speaking of that, my neighbors and I went to the store the other day and I bought milk. When i got back to the room, i noticed that it didnt taste right. The expiration date isnt until September 18th, but for some reason the milk was bad. So i'm going to have to throw it away. I need to go to HEB and get some groceries soon. I need to buy milk, gatorade, chips, etc. I sometimes get hungry at night in my room and the cafeteria is closed. Today in the cafeteria they don't have any vanilla ice cream. I'm disappointed because that is my favorite one they have. They also have strawberry which is disgusting, and chocolate which i havent had yet. Maybe it's good. I want to find a mall close to here so that i can go shopping. I don't know where many stores are. I did find a target however. That is my favorite store. The other day

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26

Well I've finally sat down to start writing this and I'm wondering where its going to go. I don't feel like I have a whole lot to say though I'm sure I'll end up babbling for the next 20 minutes. Its rather cold in here. I turned on the air conditioning because it was hot and now its a little too cold. I'm borderline shivering. I suppose that is preferable to sweating constantly though as I expected Texas to be. Feeling pretty hungry as well. I haven't eaten since about 9am. I meant to go get some dinner at Kinsolving around 6pm but lost track of time and now they're closed. Its really annoying how they close so early. Even if I were to go eat at 7pm I'd end up hungry again before I go to bed and eating microwavable dinners doesn't prove particularly satisfying or healthy. This laptop keyboard is being a real pain as I try to type this. I'm not used to it at all because I just got this computer yesterday. My poor typing could also be due to the complete darkness in here, I suppose I should turn some lights on but its kinda nice keeping it cool and dark. My roommate is at his engineering lab right now so its pretty quiet. I'm a bit bored as it is. The whole dorm itself is pretty quiet except for the two guys next to us who feel the need to play guitar and sing (poorly I might add) crappy punk songs. Judging by his volume and consistency I'd venture a guess to say he actually thinks he is pretty good. Unfortunately for him, and all of us who have to endure his endless moaning he is quite the opposite. Oh well, I suppose that is part of dorm life. As I thought I would I've found myself making use of suppose, although, and though a little too often. I think that I think it makes my writing sound smarter or something when it in fact usually ends up diluting my points and making for some long sentences (like this one). I just realized I have yet to break this up into multiple paragraphs which makes it rather hard on the eyes. There's a paragraph break just for style points even though there aren't any of those. Speaking of hurting eyes I'm wondering whether this laptop screen might hurt my eyes after awhile. Its at a rather high resolution but its still fairly clear. I don't feel any eye strain so I'm hoping its a non factor. Unfortunately, the fancy (but cheap) office chair I bought is rather uncomfortable after long periods. And I find myself leaning over the desk in a rather uncomfortable manner, both for my back and neck. Hopefully its something I'll adjust too. In retrospect that paragraph break was a good idea. It makes this look much less like some random ramblings although it would be quite obvious that the contrary was true to anyone who was reading this (you). There I go with the 'although' again. Its really rather annoying. My constant use of rather is also somewhat annoying. For some reason I imagine someone with a British accent saying rather everytime I type it. After I wrote those last few sentences I started thinking of pre-testing and its questions that are meant to probe your inner soul. Which then of course prompted me to wonder how one (you) would analyze my constant annoyance with my own writing style. What does this say about me? I don't know, nor do I care. Although (dammit) I would once again venture a guess and say nothing. Boy time flies when you're babbling and rambling. I was hoping for some synonym there but it wouldn't come to me so I just let it go. Thank god I won't be taking much in the way of English courses the next couple years. Writing weekly papers for the last four years has been tiresome to say the least. I feel a headache coming on now. Probably from staring at the computer screen for the last 2 hours or so. Although (I can't stop myself) I've sat in front of one far longer than that before with no ill effects. I often wish I knew all the weird stuff that goes on in the body so I would know exactly what was happening when something started to ache or twitch or some such thing. I recently found out that the twitching muscles in your leg can be caused by potassium deficiencies (I think I butchered that but I can't be bothered to figure out how to spell it). It actually works out nicely that the only fruit consistently in Kinsolving is bananas although (its unbelievable really) they've been a bit over ripe the last few times I went there. Well down to my last ninety seconds. If you were or are hoping for something even remotely enlightening or insightful well you're just flat out of luck. So I've managed to type random sentences here for the last twenty minutes and its worked out alright. I didn't type out the last two numbers because I didn't want to look for them on the laptop keyboard. And I'm done. Yay. Now for more homework.

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25

So, far college life has been pretty cool. I really enjoy the freedom. I think I have a big problem with authority though. I'm terrified of the first test in each class. Especially psychology. Those people are experts on how to mess with students' minds and how to ask questions in order to trick you. I really don't think that there is all that much adjustment to college life. Basically I do the same things I did at home, except now I have to do my own laundry. But the bad thing is that I don't get to cook. I love to cook. I'm also really good at it. Inventing my own recipe gives me such a thrill. My parents say that's why I'm good/like chemistry. That's another thing. I'm really worried that being an engineer will be really hard. This semester my classes are not all that bad, but I still have a long way to go. Everyone says that engineering is the hardest field to go into, especially chemical engineering. I don't really have that much confidence in myself, and basically I just want to pass with Cs. Although I'd do anything to graduate in the Cum Laude. School is really the only thing that I've been better than average in. I don't even think I really excel in that! There just always seems to be many others that are better than me. For once in my life I want to win something or be the best at something. But, I'm rushing for the Theta Tau fraternity. It is a professional engineering co-ed fraternity. I met some of the members today. They seem to be REALLY AWESOME! I'm nervous that they won't like me though. They seemed to be interested in me today though. More so than the other people who were there. My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, is pledging the Phi Psi fraternity. I don't approve at all. He spends most of his time with these guys. NOT ONCE has he invited me to go to their parties/outings. HE always comes back telling me how they can't wait to meet me, and how other guys' girlfriends can't wait to meet me. I can't believe that other guys bring their girlfriends, but he doesn't bring me. I know he loves me, but I still feel left out. Most of the time, the activities really are only for the guys though. But on Thursday night they're having the pledge line thing. It's a semi-formal party. He HAS to bring a date, and coincidentally this will be the first time that I meet these guys. I really don't like fraternities or sororities. I hate everything they stand for. But I like Theta Tau because they are not superficial or big partiers and they rally care about engineering and finding a job in that field. These other Greek groups are more concerned with drinking and members of the opposite sex and smoking and conforming to a specific type of person. I DETEST smoking. Ever since my boyfriend began hanging out with these guys he's become a "social smoker. " I have told him how I feel and asked that he at least not smoke when I'm around because I refuse to kiss anyone that tastes like smoke. Besides, I don't want him to turn into a smoker and have health problems. I care way too much about him. We've discussed the possibility of marriage-much later in life of course. He's really important to me and I'd do anything for him. That's why I hate the fraternity so much. I see the bad influences they have on him. He wants to go to medical school, and he MUST have the grades and the dedication in order to fulfill this goal. He certainly has the potential and I really don't want him to fail. But, I really need to learn to let others lead their lives. I know I can't boss everyone around. I know I'm very controlling and that I've really made some bad feelings between us, but I can't help it. I get a huge blinding and violent surge in me when I think about all that stuff. I hate it when people don't listen to me (usually I end up being right too). Well, that's 20 minutes.

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I have never used Julie's computer before. It's kind of weird. I don't like the font being used on this computer. I wish there was a way I could change it. I am also very irritated that I am still on the same line that I started on. Maybe if I press enter it will start a new line. There you go. Much better. I am kind of tempted to use this fan connected on the desk here, even though I am not hot. I just feel like using it. Alison is funny. We keep writing each other email even though we could be sitting right next to each other. Carrie is coming to visit tomorrow. I am so excited. Chris said that he might come the next weekend. I am in love with Chris. He has no idea though. I wish I could tell him, but I know that he does not feel the same way. He is always talking about how picky he is. I am certainly not his type. God I wish I was. I told him that one day I would be perfect for him. Sigh. I can't wait to see him. I keep thinking of my exboyfriend. He has to be the biggest jerk known to man. The problem is that I don't think of the bad stuff, only the good. Ok, this is driving me crazy. I don't know how this page has been arranged, but I don't like it . ARGH! Someone just died in Carries dorm last night. It sounds horrible. I would be so scared if someone down the hall from me was killed. I've got ten minutes to go. I can dig it. I don't really like Amber. She gross. Smokes too much. I don't smoke that often. Julie just found one of Jason's hidden cigs. It was funny. He was all saying, I've never seen that before. He's cute. Today's his birthday. I haven't gotten him a present yet, although I know what I'm gonna get him. I'm sleepy. I almost feel asleep in biology. Someone did and Billie put the spotlight on them. I wonder what someone reading this would be thinking right now. Who the hell is Billie probably. That would be an interesting job. Reading all the submissions. People's minds are fascinating. I wish I c could read people's minds. Thoughts are cool. You know most of the time people are really thinking about sex or something else taboo. Actually, I don’t really know if that's true, but I've read statistics. I don't think about sex all the time, but I do often remember kisses, or picture myself kissing someone. I hope that's normal. Kissing is so romantic. It can mean so much. How depressing it is to not have someone to kiss. I often feel sorry for myself. I don't think that's wrong. My sister just walked in. I was kind of worried that she would see what I was writing. Is that wrong, to be writing about kissing. It is kind of personal. I'm thinking about dogs now. They are so cute. I really love baby animals. I can't wait to live in an apartment or house where I can own a mutt. I'd like to own a dog with Chris someday. I think it would scare him if he knew how much I thought about him. I don't know if I really am in love with him, but I often think I am. If only I could be forty pounds lighter. I had planned on losing five pounds a month. I haven't checked since moving to Austin. I don't think I’ve lost any weight though. I tend to eat a lot of cafeteria food. We are going out to dinner to night. I need to ask Julie if she has a scale so that I can weigh myself. I wasn't to sure I wanted to go. It's with J and J and friends I don't know. I hope I get along well with everyone. I wonder if my train of thought that I'm typing is a good representation of how I really think. Wow, I've written for 24 minutes now. Those last ten minutes flew by. My hand hurts now so I guess I'll stop. I feel as though I should thank you for listening. Thanks

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21

There is this annoying noise in the back ground that is driving me crazy. It's like a loud bell or ring. I am really frustrated right now because the internet doesn't work in my apartment, so I feel like I can't do much for school, which isn't really good, because I am addicted to the internet. My leg really, really, really hurts still, it's swollen and black and blue. It's making it really hard to walk around campus and to do my job at work. My head also hurts, but I don't know why. I am still tired from class this morning, waking up and going to calculus two at eight am is very hard for me, but that is what fit with my work schedule. College doesn't seem too hard for me, I guess it is because I am a person that likes to get all of her work done. I do feel that psychology will be one of my hardest classes because it is unlike any class I have ever taken. Calculus will be the easiest class because math is my strong point. Chemistry will take a little work, only because physics is my strong point, which would make sense, since it is going to be my major. The time seems to not go by as fast as I thought it would, and my head still hurts, but I think this time it hurts more because of that loud ringing in this computer lab. There seems to be too much going wrong and too much to think about right now. This is a very frustrating time in my life, and I just want to get through this fast enough to not cause me psychological harm and stress. I think my parents have lost their mind. I've been gone for a little over a week and they are having withdrawals. I was just there last saturday, and they only live thirty miles away, so it's not that hard to visit, I just don't have time and don't feel like I have to visit them all the time. Work is so boring, I actually dread going to work most of the time, mainly because some of the people are idiots and think they know everything, then they just screw up something and I have to fix it. My advice to anyone is to not have a job in retail, it's very stressful, especially if you are a perfectionist. Straightening tables and organizing clothes over and over, then watching it get messed up by uncaring customers can really drive you up the wall. If I sit here and think about how I am feeling, I realize how much my body is in pain from going to the lake this weekend. Jumping off cliffs into water, then climbing back up doesn't really do wonders at all for your muscles, especially when you have none. I was looking forward to moving out so much, and I am still enjoying it, but there seems to be something going wrong almost everyday. Not only does the internet not work, they haven't cleaned our carpets and repaired all the messed up parts of the apartment. It's stressful to think about all that needs to be done, and the amount of time left. Time is something I hate. I wish that some days had more time in them than others. When I was younger, all I wanted to do was grow up, I wanted the time to go by fast. Now that I am in college, I want time to slow down, and have some extra time. There is TOO much to do in so little time. My fingers have gotten cold, I wonder how that happened. You would think with the constant moving to type, they would be warm, but they are not. I would really think mine would be warm, I type to fast for my own good. Now I am running out of things to say, I can't think of anything to type. My neck hurts now from staring at the computer screen this long, and of course my leg really hurts because I am sitting on it. I really hope work goes by fast today, I hate the 1 to 10 shift, it's so boring, and it makes me feel like time goes on forever. Time needs to fly when I am in class and at work, but slow down when I am chilling with friends or doing homework. There is never enough time to do homework. When you think about it, you think ?there is plenty of time to read this paper? or something of the like, but when you start to read that paper, and work on the homework, you sometimes feel like you hardly get anything done. I just remembered that I need to read the next chapter for psychology. That's what I get when I start to randomly talk about topics that are odd, I slowly remember what I need to do, but that doesn't mean that in an hour or so I will remember what I just did. Stress causes ?brain farts? that allow you to forget something as important as homework and assignments. Unfortunately I get a lot of them, and that is sometimes why my grades are not perfect or close to perfect. I forget little details like dates (ok, that isn't real little, but you get the idea) and simple mistakes, ESPECIALLY in calculus. I make adding, subtracting, and multiplying errors in calculus. I can do anything in calculus, but adding and subtracting actually make me think if I don't have the calculator in front of me. That makes me sound dumb, but I am not, I just forget the little things and basics. Wow, the time has flown.

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18

This is a very interesting time right now. Right now, I have so many different feelings inside me right now. This is a new part of my life, yet it does not feel all that different. I guess it's because there are so many familiar faces here and I'm still pretty close to home. I'm kind of glad about that, it makes me feel much more secure. I really want to take full advantage of my college life. I want to meet people, I want to have fun, I want to experience everything, and I want to do all that and keep myself on track. I signed up for a ballet II class and a street jazz class over at the union the other day. I figured that while I did not want to get heads over heels into dance again, I definitely didn't want to give it up because I still love it, so this was great for me because it will be a casual class and it's basically right across the street from me. I also signed up for an informal ice skating class. Figure skating was such a big part of me, but when I got too busy with Belles, I had to stop, so I figured that now was the perfect time to start again. I knew it would be a beginner class, but I figured that it'd be good to work on basics. I took the bus there, got there late, and they were doing twofoot glides. No offense, but it truly was a beginner class. Afterwards, Michele (the teacher) saw me jumping and spinning on my own, so she's putting me in the more advanced class after the beginner class, which was really cool. I also met these two girls, Kristen and Claire, who were also in my class. They were so nice, they got off the ice before I did, but they actually waited until I got off and then they told me that they could bring me to and from the rink from now on so I wouldn't have to ride the bus, which I thought was just so incredibly nice of them. Kristen brought me home, and Claire gave me her number so that I can call her next week and she can bring me there. I was very happy last night because 1) I restarted a hobby that I truly have a passion for, and 2) I met new people and I feel like I am starting to create a new world for myself. Seriously, that is one of the reasons that I loved figure skating so much, not just that I love the sport and that I love gliding across the ice and flying in the air to music, but because when I was skating, I was in my own world. It was like my safety, my refuge. So I am feeling very good that I am beginning to regain that. You don't realize how much you miss something until you actually do it again. I've been pretty happy with everything for the most part. It's been a nice and rather smooth transition, because it didn't feel like I was making too big of a transition. The main difference to me is that I don't have to worry about being home by a certain time to avoid making my parents mad. I don't have to worry about making my mom mad (because she takes everything so personally) and all that sort of stuff. I've been thinking about Sean every now and then. Just passing thoughts about him, wondering what he's up to, if he thinks about me, that sort of stuff. It's not like I spend all of my time thinking about him, but he passes my thoughts very often. I guess he'll always mean a lot to me. It's funny, because I've been so happy with everything lately, but today, I am feeling particularly angry with Judy. Just how judgmental she is upon me and how overly selfrighteous she is. I mean, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that (being selfrighteous), but with her, it is to a fault. It's to a point where she's hurt me and insulted me and angered me. And she claims to be watching out for me because she cares, but that's not what I call leaving me to find my own ride. She's let me down in a big way and she has no right to treat me like that. I'm not normally an angry person, but I am really upset with her right now! I really just don't want to talk to her for a while. Going back to Houston this weekend was a lot of fun, I really enjoyed seeing everybody again, although it was only for a little bit. One thing I like about having high school people here at UT is that even if I wasn't friends with them back in Houston, it's kind of like, now that we're at college, we have some sort of bond because we're from the same place, so we become friends, which is really cool. Anyhow, my twenty minutes are up, so I'll talk later! That's basically me for right now (or all that I can think of and remember right now anyways)!

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24

consious stream of thinking huh. I don't even keep journals or anything, so this is a little different. These chicken taquitos sure are good. A lot of greese though. Ya know, I really like musicals, but only ones from Andrew Loyd Webber and ones from the late 19th century like Gilbert and Sullivan. Speaking of, that was a pretty good movie. Topsey Turvey that is. I wish there had been more in there from the Pirates of P. But it was still pretty good. I can't believe that I have a lecture to go to at 5 to 6:30. At least is isn't on friday. That would really suck. I should download some songs from the Beatles. In fact, I should buy The Yellow Submarine on DVD. That would be a good movie to have. I wonder what movie I should go see this weekend. I haven't been to the movies in a really long time, so surely something new has come out by now. I wonder what these writing assignments are going to be used for. I'm sure it is used in reasearch on us. Oh well. I need to write Kim an e-mail. I haven't see her or Kate in a really long time. They would probably appreciate that. I'll do that tonight after I finish reading the Iliad. I need to read The Rupublic. I meant to a year or two ago, but I never got around to it. I didn't like my classical civilization class at first, but now I'm really getting into it. I don't know if I really want to bother learning guitar or not. I know it is never something that I would seriously persue, but still. At least I've already learned one instrument, so learning another can't be that difficult. Just learn a new clef and everything else is technical stuff that just takes practice. I might as well, I see to have plenty of time on my hands. Except for in the mornings. The past two mornings I've set my alarm early so I could wake up and get some reading done for class. Too bad that both mornings I've overslept and yesterday I was late to physics. Not that it really mattered. I could not go for the rest of the year and still do fine on the final. It's easier than what I took in high-school. My mom called me the other day. I was at starbucks, so I didn't really talk very long. I'll have to call her back tonight when I get in. I'm sure that they miss me. It doesn't feel all that different then when I was at home. I guess I might be homesick if I was going to school in like Vermont or something like Sara is, but I'm 3 hours away so it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I guess it helps also that I stay busy. I also really like oldies music, and soundtracks too. I really want to go buy a Phantom of the Opera CD today. I'll see if they have it at Barnes and Noble although it will be an outrageous price. Sarah Brightman is a really good singer. It really helped that she was married to Webber. That must have been a big career booster. It really doesn't see like I've written all that much. There is a lot more goig on in my head, but I just can't get it all out. Some of the musicals that I really don't like are the ones that came out of a post depression era. They just aren't very original and all seem to be cookie cutter creations just for the sake of being made.

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15

So much needs to be done within the next two days, it seems practically impossible to get it done. I have to write these two essays, redo the entire freaking' pretesting crap just because I completed 79% of it and then when it kicked me off, it didn't even save it although I was informed otherwise. So, frankly, I'm disturbed by a lot of things. I have a journalism test tomorrow morning, which, by the way, I haven't studied for, and tonight I had a presentation for APO, a service organization I would like to join if, in the midst of all this chaos called "college", I can somehow find the time for a decent social life. So this "stream of conscience" theory is going to be more of a "Kelli needs to vent" period, because frankly, that is all that is on my mind. I had a crappy day, and I don't expect writing this will help me all that much, but I'll go ahead and say what happened. Some egotistical freak from the male species grabbed my ass today while I was one of the many cross walks on this large campus. Granted I hyper-extended is wrest, at worst I broke it, I would like to request respect from the gender that so frequently asks the inevitable question "why" when the finger always points to them!! It was freaking' hot outside all day, and running from class to class always makes it oh so much cooler!! And the whole idea of college is running through me now when I have deadlines for tests, papers, and self-indulgent pompous professors who think they know the answer to the world, and what's even scarier than that is that WE pay to wake up at 8 AM to go to their lectures and believe the handfuls of bullshit they try to feed us. (I was making a generalization about the professor part of course, some lectures are actually stimulating. ) To top it off, somewhere in the midst of all of this mumbling jumble of chaotic words, I feel almost depressed tonight. I met a guy at the APO organization meeting mentioned before, and I REALLY like him, and I heard that he was interested, but I haven't seen him in six days, and I honestly think that he could actually calm me from this feeling of intense pressure. If I could just see him I would relax and then take a different view on all the crap that I still have to do. I guess I just need him right now, and the longer I go before I see him again, the more distant and hopeless I feel toward him. I guess you can say I've been lulled into inertia by my subconscience feelings to see him. Anyway, my twenty minutes of rambling has come to an end, so it was great venting and I hope, in some weird way, this has satisfied your requirements and calmed your thoughts and revelations about the stream of conscience in a frustrated, tired, and ticked off college student.

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14

Well, all I have to say is that it is very hot in here. The air conditioner is broken, and beads of sweat are trickling from the back of my neck down into my chair. I hate being hot. I would so much rather be cold than hot. However, I could never live in a really cold environment. Texas is my home. I would have to kill myself if I lived in Michigan or something like that. Just imagine, waking up at 6am to go to work, and having your car door frozen shut. That is my hell. I think the perfect place to live would be California, Southern Florida, or of course Hawaii. I am going to be one of those old people who move to the beach when they retire. My husband will have one of those fishing businesses where he takes tourists out for a fish in the ocean, and I get to laze around the pool all day. My grandchildren will come and visit me, because it will be an easy way for their parents to have some time alone, because every kid loves the beach. Oh the beach. I love the feeling of the sand through my toes. The salty air running over me, the feeling of the water on my feet. I love the ocean. I wanted to be a marine biologist when I was little, but then I found out I would have to be good at math and science. and that is DEFINITELY not me. I do love marine life though. I've been to Corpus Christi a few times in the last couple of years, and both times I have dragged my boyfriend to the Texas State Aquarium so I could go and see the animals. especially the sea otters, they're my favorite. I hear the aquarium in Monteray, CA has a bunch of sea otters. I would love to go there. I have only been to California once, and that was just for one night before I went to Hawaii the next day. What a great state Hawaii is. I don't know why the government doesn't pay for a family to travel there once every couple of years to make the stress go away. They do that in France you know. the government (or your insurance) pays for trips to the beach because of it's natural healing powers. America should do that. If we knew we were promised a trip to Hawaii every year if we didn't committ any crimes, and we payed our taxes. everyone would comply. There would be no more murders, rapes, robberies, or anything of the sort. And if anyone is ever pissed off at the government for anything. well it will all be forgotten after a couple of strawberry daqueries at a swim-up bar in a 5-Star hotel over-looking the Pacific. They say that having an aquarium releases tension, well just imagine going out on the ocean and seeing dolphins jump next to you on the boat, and whales splashing their tales. That'll do you good for 10 years! God I need a vacation. Just a little weekend one will do fine. Maybe just to San Antonio, or back down to the coast. hell I'll even settle for home--free meals and shopping in Fort Worth might cure some ailment. But I am pretty sure that the beach is my best bet. The best is late at night on the water. The stars and moon reflect off of the ocean, and everything is still except for the sound of the pulsing waves and the cooling breeze. I think I'll start packing my bag now. Damn, I don't have a swim suit. I'll stop at Target on the way out.

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18

I can't wait to drive back from dallas to austin today and get to stop in waco on the way to visit bryan. i wonder if bryan and I will end up together again. i wonder if we'll have a future. do I know my husband yet. i can't wait to find my perfect soulmate and grow old with him. will steven and I ever end up together again. how am I going to end up doing at UT this year. will I make my closest friends through the sorority. am I going to make a lot of new friends on the rugby team. does brittney take advantage of me through our friendship. will philip call tonight like he said he would. is anything going to happen between philip and I. i hope nini has a safe flight back to houston. i hope papa joey's feeling better. are my parents going to feel like they're reliving they're college years when they come to austin for parents' weekend and getting to see all of their fraternity and sorority brothers and sisters. does clay ever miss me while I'm at school. how many children will I end up having. when will I start having children. i really can't wait to start a wonderful family. will abby and I stay best friends for life. are abby and daniel going to end up staying together. will rob end up being okay with abby and daniel. who will be my most serious boyfriend this year. will steven and I become closer and closer as time goes on. will bryan and I stay in touch for forever. is he ever going to come back to dallas with me. is my new house going to feel like home. will I end up trying out for cheerleading. if I do try out, will I make the team. will I be at UT again next year. has it been 20 minutes yet because my mind keeps rambling off to random thoughts and time seems to be going pretty slowly. will I get asked to TX/OU weekend, I really hope I get a date, but what if I don't. will kevin and I become closer throughout this year. are kevin and hilary going to end up getting married. is bryan going to end up dating another girl this year and if so, is there relationship going to be pretty serious. is dad nervous about how well his store is doing. i wonder where I'll live when I end up getting married and starting a family. will our family be "well off". am I ever going to get divorced (god forbid). will I have any children who are disabled. who will my husband be. do I know him yet. what will he look like. will he be jewish. when will I get married. i wish this 20 minutes was up. 7 minutes to go. i can't wait until tx/ou weekend (if I have a date) and my friends will get to stay in our new house. 6 minutes. will bryan and I ever have sex. will the next person I have sex with be my husband. will abby and I get along throughout this whole year. do I really for sure have to live in the sorority house next year. if so, is it going to kill me pretty much. i really want my own room next year. i can't believe all my fantasies with guys are being shot to hell (dan, philip, etc. ). why can't I just find another guy like bryan except one that goes to UT and is jewish. bryan's the most fun and perfect boyfriend I've ever had, I just wish he wasn't as cheap. will steven and I really decide to try dating again. does steven really like me deep down. 3 minutes left. i hope I do much better in psychology this year than I did last year. will I end up going through with my major in child development. is my future career going to be related to child development. will I really end up working with kids who have special needs. i really want this to be over with because I have to pee really badly. 1 minute left. i hope UT this year is much easier than provisionals was last summer. will I ever meet that adam grossman guy. if so, will anything happen with that, he's hot!!!. i hope I get to meet him soon and hope he's a fun guy. YEA!!! TIME'S UP!!!

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I'm sitting here in my dorm room wondering and thinking about everything I have to get done by tomorrow. It's not a lot but just little things. I have to buy a speech book, read the first two chapters out of it, write a speech and type an outline for it that's due for tomorrow. We don't start giving the speeches until Friday though so I'm not to worried about it. I also need to go over my chemistry. I'm going out to eat at the Hula Hut for dinner tonight with my pledge class. That should be fun. I can't wait to see my boyfriend. He is going to school at the Universtiy of Houston and it's so hard not being able to see him whenever I want. Oh well. His birthday is Sept. 10 so I'm going to go home to see him. I can't wait for this weekend becasue there is so much to do. We have a match with the SAE's on Fridayl, the game is Saturday afternoon, and then some of my friensds and I are going to go float down the river. I guess I should throw in some study time now and then. i'm really hungry but she is not coming to get me until six o'clock for dinner. I really need to do some laundry too. I'm running out of clean t-shirts. I can do that later though. I'm off to study some more and do what ever.

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8

This is going to be a cool assignment. We just get to talk about what is going on right now in our lives. I think college is going to be really awesome. We are going to learn so much from all the different types of classes we are taking. I am very tired from classes today. It is tiring to walk all around campus. I will not take the loop cause I don't want to be lost or anything. I think that would be scary to get lost on the loop. My roommate just left to the coop. She has to return all these books. My computer is pretty slow and I hope it doesn't break down while I am typing this. I think that Jester is pretty nice. I am glad that my suitemates are really cool. They take me places cause they have cars. One is from Katy, and my other suitemate is from Austin. My really good friend is sleeping, because she is waiting for me to eat. We are going to go eat at Jester probably. It should be interesting cause I really don't like to eat Jester food that much. It was alright at lunch, but I think it is going to be pretty gross tonight. People stare in the windows at Jester. It is weird to think that there are people out there that could be looking at you. It is really has a pretty courtyard though. I am so tired. I don't think I have much homework to do tonight though. It should be interesting, because I have to write a paper for English. I really don't know what I should write it about though. I have no idea. Gregory is a really cool place. You get to run and workout. I like to play volleyball. That has been lots of fun being able to play at night. UT has really cool places to see around it too. I think I have eaten out so much. People here are so different. I think that is really cool though cause if they weren't, this place would be really boring and stuff. The computer is sometimes a waste of time. I know so many people that just sit and chat on the computer for hours. I think it is really fun too, but you don't need to stay on it for a couple of days. People think that college is really easy and therefore don't have to study. I think they are going to get a rude awakening sometime. My suitemate is trying to work her computer. It is pretty funny cause she doesn't really know how to work it. My sisters just sent me a care package. It was really cool. It had like some soap, and candy. It also had like pictures and stuff. I have to move out soon cause of the pipes are being installed. Well, my friend says to write about the future. I don't know about the future. It should be pretty interesting I hope. I think that I will have to study a lot this year. My sister is going to try to help me out though hopefully. She is going to have it hard. I am going to play I'M sports. I hopefully will be able to handle everything cause I know it is really going to be hard and stuff. I eat too much. I am pretty full and all, and we are going to go eat soon. I only have a couple more minutes so I will talk about how my computer is not working. For some reason when I got home it was broken. My friend tried to fix it. I think it will be alright. My favorite tennis player won the US Open yesterday. It was pretty cool. He is really cool. He is from Russia. I am tired once again. I just want to finish this. I have taken Psychology before so I hopefully will be able to help my friends also that are in my class. All the people from where I am from all hang out with each other. It is pretty funny. I think that everyone should meet new people. My friends tried out for the MTV show. I don't know if they made it though. My time is up. I am very happy.

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5

Right now I am just feeling really stressed out and angry. I have tons of homework to do and I don't know where to start, so I just started doing this. I'm also very mad because my girlfriend is being a real you know what, and she knows she is doing it and she just won't cut it out. Unfortunately, I live with her and I have to put up with this day in and day out. We also have a daughter together and at this time she is crying and crying and she won't let me concentrate at all. I just feel a lot of anger inside me, that is just waiting to come out. I'm ready to explode! Right now all I am hearing is my baby daughter crying and crying, and I am also listening to the Cowboys play the Texans. I'm trying to watch the game while I am doing this, but it is impossible. My mind keeps on going blank while I am doing this. I have no idea why, my mind is just going blank. I think that I may be going crazy at this time. At this time, I am also getting sick because of this weather. I got a stuffy nose and I cannot smell a thing. My throat is killing my also. It hurts and it's hard to eat anything. I wouldn't be sick if it wasn't for this weather. I'm thinking about a lot of different things right now. My mind keeps on going back to how I would be in a whole different situation if I was still in school and if I would not have gotten my girlfriend pregnaut. I love my daughter, but I don't think that I was quite ready to be a parent so early in my life. My girlfriend, well she just makes me mad all the time and she makes my life become more and more stressful. Sometimes I just want to leave her, but I can't see my life without her. I love her, but she just needs to change some of the things that she does. She also needs to learn how to cook! My eyes keep on moving and I keep on noticing this small little chair that we have that is decorated with clouds. The clouds are white and the background is a baby blue. I could stare at that chair forever because I love the color baby blue so much. Right now my girlfriend is washing dishes and all I can hear is myself typing and the water running. My baby finally stopped crying and she is falling asleep. I just noticed that the cowboys are losing to the texans which doesn't make me very happy either. I like the cowboys more than any other team, but unfortunately they don't have a very good quarterback. I wish that one day I could be the head coach of the cowboys. Maybe someday. My phone just rang and it was one of my friends from work. I didn't answer it because I am trying to write as much as I can before time runs out. Well the time is finally running out and I feel quite better writing down what I was doing and feeling. This is a easy assignment and I don't mind doing it. Well, thank god time is about up! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

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19

today was a pretty lousy start. last night matt and I talked about alchoholfor about two hours. he needs lots of help. God is the only one who can really change his life. its hard for him to let go and put his life in the hands of another . samehere. can't tellif jamie is getting bothersome . I'm so tired , life is like inthe evening. such a traitor ,momentsof light. haze followed by enlightenment . God speaks, I listen, but still no work is done. How will I ever get out of this slump? there seems to be no ethical -work movement in possible future. so tired eyes heavy with disgust and empty anti-thought. supposed philosophy is taking the place of construct. Although there seems no point inthe sadness or loneliness there can't come any change from me. there seems no way to get out without talking to those id never talk to otherwise . why involve them now whenthey will neverrbe another part? they'll help. need more pills. three movies since move. dobies sucked. not sixth sense. saw Kara. drew too. she is the future. run Baker run ? hopeless acquisition followed by incision tommorrow a decision perfected by revision. incisino from God made all the diffence. IHATE READING IHATE CALCULUS I hate astronomy. I hate myself above all and I can't say that alltogether it is a bad thing . I hate verbosity. I hate hating . I yearn for peace but find no answer that has lasted . Jesus is the answer but it is so hard to stay in his hands. I need a haircut . I need a rainfall. I need a phonecall. maybe I should buy a new car. And I wish it was a big world because I'm lonely for the small town id like to drive and not look back . blow my money at a casino in seattle if one existed. then id sit in the rain all day and eat salami sandwiches . meat the woman of my dreams at a dance who is almost as depresed as I think I am. she'd see right through me and I through her. then Id move to mexico and start a church then move back to texas and live on a ranch . then move back to austin an start a rock and roll band with major influences from Ro

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12

The incredible sense of freedom I feel is probably what I feel the most. I walk around looking at all the other students and I feel like all these people are the future of my children. College is one step up in my step ladder of life and I think it is overwhelming for all freshman. Right now I have this great motivation that I am hoping will last through the rest of the semester and hopefully the year. I'm glad to be away from home. I thought college (my classes in particular) would be horrible. My past professors in high school had warned my that I would HAVE to take calculus and most of my professors would be foreigners whose accents I wouldn't be able to understand. They warned me that I would be lucky to be able to understand their handwriting as well. Well things turned out totally different. My major is advertising which means I only need 3 hours of math, which I placed out of by taking the SAT II. So I don't have to try and solve a calculus problem ever again. I also don't have any foreign professors this semester either. Everyone's handwriting is quite legible and clear. I enjoy all my classes. Every teacher makes me laugh. I'm wondering if I'm just lucky or is college not as bad as everyone makes it sound. I love the technology that teachers use today. I love that if I miss a class, which I haven't yet, I can just hook up to the web and get my class notes for the day. The internet is clearly a life saver. I feel sorry for all the past college graduates who didn't get to benefit from the internet. Right now I am appreciating the fact that I can type without looking at the keyboard because I notice some people around me having some trouble. I've met a very diverse crowd of people within the past week and a half that I have been here in Austin. It's very exciting to know there are so many people around you that are from various ethnic origins. One thing that I'll definitely have to get used to is how I don't recognize anyone when I walk from class to class. In high school everyone knows everyone and at UT it is quite different. My older sister is a psychology major from Incarnate Word University in San Antonio. I'm eager to tell her all about my psychology class and what I learn. I've already read about her major and know a little bit more about it after reading it in our textbook. I'm looking forward to the rest of the semester and to more assignments which don't require a handwritten rough draft.

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26

that's no good. I was informed as I entered the room that my friend tom's girlfriend broke up with him. they were engaged; I hope he comes through this ok. he gets depressed sometimes, and uses poor judgement. wow . . . it just occurred to me the more complex problems I face as I age. there's a volleyball game going on outside in the jester courtyard (I assume . . . tom's roommate insists that it's a drunken festival of debauchery - I can't see out the window). I find their play loud and distracting, but the courts are there for that purpose and I have no right to complain. the stereo turned off and I find the only noise in the room to be that of my typing. I like music as I work. it helps me to concentrate. I find that I’m considerably addicted to sound. when I was younger (and not paying an electric bill) I even needed music to sleep. I listened to my Beatles record whi9le I cooked dinner tonight. chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and abbey road - fantastic combination. I found that there's a slight scratch on "Mr. mustard" - those bastards at the record shop are supposed to be honest about the condition of the albums . . . it would be easier had they allowed me to listen to it before I bought it. what kind of record shop has no turntable? still, I’m glad to have it - I collect old vinyl from some of my favorite groups . . . certain bands have a different sound and feel on record. I started collecting when my brother bought me "working man's dead. " he originally inspired my interest in the grateful dead, I guess that fits. I have discovered in the past few years just how, in my younger days, I religiously aspired to be like my brother. he's a great guy . . . I’m glad that he's succeeding in life - we went through some troubling stages together. I miss him when I’m at school. it's been five years since we lived in the same house, but at school I’m 200 miles away rather than across town. tom's talking on the phone to one of our friends, Andrew, who goes to school at Vanderbilt. computers are amazing things - my phone bill would be outrageous if I couldn't e-mail my friends who attend school in other states. he's talking about the "break-up" now. this whole situation sucks.

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6

Holy crap I should hurry and type. This is going to be a long time. I am already bored. Why do I have to do this. My wrist hurts typing like this. What is this going to prove. Ouch. my leg itches. So does my neck but I can't stop typing because if i do then this will be a complete failure i wonder what is on tv my back itches i hope i don't smell bad should i be using punctuation oh well guess i won't this is really long i can't believe i have to do this i wonder how fast i can type i wish that i could watch tv later on im going to go and get something to eat what should that be i don't kow i think that i will have pizza more than likely that sounds good i need to use the restroom something smells good it smells like popcorn i wonder if there is a movie on i like watching movies remember that on time when i was at this movie with my friends and during the middle of the movie he said this game is over it was so funny i want to watch some cartoons like the transformers i wonder why that show is not on anymore i mean it was like my favorite show ever. my neighbor is blasting some excellent music. It sounds like it is punk which i enjoy very much. i want to stop typeing sargent door locks i want some milk i haven't had a good glass of whole milk since i have been here. All there is is 2% 1% or skim and those are all really gross. i can't see how anyone would drink that it is like watered down milk. but i guess not to many people really drink that. yes only 13 mins left for me to type. my hands are getting tired. it is quite cool in my room i wish that i was in jester and not in moore hill all my friends are in jester and that makes me feel bad that i don't get to see themall the time hey jerk face turn your music down it is making my stuff move on my desk. i hope that changing things into paragraphs is not required becaue if that is then i will probably fail but then again this just to written in a stream of total conscienceness so i guess that i don't really even need to stop to put periods in do i i need to take a nap this is really hard because i don't know if i am really even typing what i am think at least i don't have to worry about my laundry it was done yesterday. i can't believe how bad our team played on saturday we didn't even score in the second half that is pathetic why must this be happening i need to go potty but i can't because of this stupid paper ya know what cartoons are an excellent choice to watch i mean like aqua teen hunger force that show makes me laugh so hard i need to download some of those and the show undergrads that was excellent to bad it was taken off the air. i wonder how much useless trivia i know i bet it is a lot but when it comes to actual knowledge i don't really know that much i wonder why that is. i need to go swimming i like swimming how the water feels nice and cold it makes you go faster than warm water i wonder if i can swim at the joe jamail swim center how much more do i have to type shut that music off it is driving me crazy complete silence in my room is no fun hey gabriel turn on the tv so that then i can at least watch something while i type that would be a good think i wonder what those marks on my closet door is from i bet i have horrible grammar but excellent typeing speed that is all you really need. i hope that i get a good grade on this paper and that all of this was worth my time okay only four minutes left come on kevin keep it together you can make it through this i wonder how much i have typed because if it is a lot that would be really surprising i am so happy that this is almost over because i don't think that i could have taken this i wonder who just got on IM because that would be better than this i really need to do some studying i hope that the next paper is a lot better than this one because i hate just writing about what i am feeling are thinking because it feels so forced and like i don't ha ha that jerk next door has just left excellent oh well back to talking about useless trivia i bet that you couldn't name all the states in 10 mins it is really hard only me and my best friend reed have been able to do it and it took me 8 mins and him 9 and a half no one else i have challenge has been able to do it it makes you want to shoot yourself in t

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10

Well I type kind of slow so I might not get as much in this box as everyone else. Anyway, right now I'm thinking that I have way to many classes and am worried that I might not be able to handle all of them in the same semester. I would have been ok but now I have an SI section for each class and it has filled all my free spaces. On top of that I still have to come back here and study for my lectures every night. I don't have very much free time to do other things. I'm not getting the time I hoped to have when I came to have a good time while I got an education. I don't have any free time to join any organizations or even go out and have a good time. I'm a long way from home so I don't get to see any of my friends or my family very often but I'm trying to make the best of things. I think that I will eventually be ok when I get use to this drastic change in my life. I just kind of wish that I didn't have to start over at this point in my life because I liked the way everything was going for the past few years. Well my twenty minutes are up so I guess that's it.

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27

My mind is blank right now. I'm doing this late so i'm nervous that it won't count for credit. i went swimming today, but i wish i hadn't because then this would be on time. sometimes i get homesick, i called my mom today and she was talking about my cousin's wedding. she was surprised that i was willing to pay for my plane ticket there. i think i would regret it if i didn't go. i've never been to boston before. i hear that it's very historical. I guess they have good clam chowder there, that's what people say. I like clam chowder, but i've only had the kind that comes in a can, so i guess i haven't had real clam chowder. i like a lot of foods from a can. people laugh at me because i still like spaghetti-o's. oh well. they laugh at a lot of things I eat. I really hope this counts for credit. It's only an hour late. I can't believe I forgot, I'm usually so good with homework. If it doesn't count, at least i can still try to get good grades on everything else and maybe i can still get an A. i have to try really hard, i guess even harder now that i realize i am forgetting things, but i want to go to graduate school to get my Ph. D. in psychology. so hopefully i'll start remembering to do all my homework. i've been pretty good with keeping up with the reading in all my classes, but it's a lot of reading. i knew college would be a lot more work than high school, but i never imagined all the reading. i'm actually enjoying this writing assignment, i haven't written in a journal or anything in a long time. it feels good to get things out. i used to write poetry too. that made me feel a lot better when i was sad. usually it had to do with guys. they always find a way to make me feel bad. it felt good to be able to turn something bad into something good. i should get back into writing poetry, maybe someday it'll actually be good. i only let a couple people read it and they said they were good, but you never know if they're just saying that or not. i like a couple of them but i usually eventually decide that they're not very good after a while. my two favorite ones are lost somewhere. that really upsets me. i wrote them on a plane. i know i didn't lose them on the plane but when i packed to move here, i still couldn't find them. i wrote them in a spiral but i have a lot of half used spirals. i hope nobody took it. i don't like it when people read my poems. only if i show them and even then it's hard. i don't know why, i guess it's because they're so personal, it's like i'm completely open and vulnerable when people read my poems. they read my most personal thoughts when they read them. except for a few, some thoughts i just don't put on paper. some things that i'm really not proud of would really not be best on paper because then i'd have to look at them again, or someone else could read it. my parents go through my sister's stuff sometimes, so i assume that they go through mine too. i hope the don't find the pictures from the party at my house. i forgot to bring those and they would probably cut me off if they knew i had a party there. it was fun though. that was the best party. everyone said so, so i know it wasn't just me who had fun. people were dancing and everything and everyone was getting along, usually somebody gets in a fight at parties. boys are so stupid. wouldn't that be a funny last sentence? that seems to be a pretty good conclusion though. it always seems to come around to that.

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22

I am watching an episode of Mad TV and they were doing a parody on the whole parish priest / alterboy thing, singing Nelly's "Hot in Herre". The whole thing makes me sick when I think about it. My desktop died on me while I was up at UT and I am shopping for a new computer. The soonest I could get one would probably be Christmas, because of the long delay in shipping and the safety issues of shipping it to home and having no one there to sign for it and shipping it to the dorm where someone might take it and I would never see it. But it really sucks that my desktop would just crap out like it did. At least I still have my laptop, even thought it is a brick, weighing over 10 pounds, but I chose it and paid for it. All in all, life on the computer side just sucks. I wrote this during Labor Day long weekend, so I just sitting here at home in Houston until tomorrow when I go back to Austin for a long haul, as I call it where I don't go back home until another holiday/long weekend. But I don't mind, I really enjoy living in Austin, although the dorm I live in sucks due to construction noises. I have late classes on TTH and I don't get up until like 11, but I still am awakened by construction at 10 or so. Even though I didn't know my roommate until I move in with him, I do not regret going potluck. He is pretty cool, and he respects my wishes and I do the same for him. He has early classes on the same days that I do, so he doesn't bother me when he gets up in the morning, and I don't bother him when I wake up, because he has the same classes at the same times as I do. So that is cool. It's an oddity that I am writing this, for I do not really know how to write papers. So I decided to write this like I would for my blog on LiveJournal, like I am writing to my best friends. When I get back to Austin, I need to get my Calculus book and maybe find a movie that me and my friends can go to, just as kind of a day off thing to kill time before the daily grind starts again. Sadly II feel like this after only one and a half weeks of school at UT, into my freshman year. But the work is not the problem, the problem is the walking, but I will have to just get used to that aspect of UT.

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15

I met this guy Mark Thursday and today we had breakfast together. I really like him, but I don't know how to express myself around him. I get a selfconscience feeling, but he seems excited when we talk. I have a nervous tick in my stomach when I think of him, like now. I feel like calling or emailing him, but I can't find the guts to. At breakfast, it took my five minutes before I could stop shaking. No one noticed but I could feel my knees quiver. School is not exactly what I thought it would be. There is so much reading, and I don't know if I'm absorbing it all into my brain. So many fun things to do, I make myself sit and read. I try so hard to focus on the page and words, but my mind wanders. I try to read ahead to be prepared for the next class, but I suffer as much failure as I do success. I have a club meeting tonight and tomorrow night and I'm lucky if I get the times and meeting places correct. I guess that's why I bought a cool UT planner which I carry with me everywhere! My mom was the same way I am. She procrastinated more in college than I am and did very well. I don't want to fail. I think about failing and it makes my stomach hurt and I zone out, pushing the thoughts of failure to the back of my mind, but they always pop out again. I miss the familiar faces and places of Port Lavaca. I miss driving my the bay in the evening and the sounds of the cottonwood trees in the front yard. Tears come to my eyes. I haven't cried in a very long time, not even when I came back from the long Labor Day weekend. When I talk on the phone with my parents I swallow the lump in my throat and hold back the tears. I want to succeed here and I'm am doing a good job of breaking the university into a smaller, less overwhelming place. As a little girl, I came to many UT football games. My dream was to be a student here. Considering I was in the top ten percent of my graduating class the task was not a hard one. I love the university and I'm glad I choose UT over Southwest Texas. Southwest does have the best Speech Pathology program in the state, but I can not see myself anywhere, but here. When I think of that the sadness goes away, but I'm still left with an incredible amount of work that I am trying to accomplish. My dad works very hard. He only went to college for two years, and then to work for the family company. I can't tell if he likes work. He almost hates his sister's husband. I don't like him either. A total jerk and I feel sorry for my cousins, one of whom only calls home when my aunt is there. I think my dad is happy. He always coached mine and my brother's basketball league games. He loved it. He was an average student in high school, most likely had ADD or ADHD. We've always been close, but sometimes I feel like he disregards my feelings. We're both athletic, but I got the heavier build of my mother and my dad is slender, but muscular. Sometimes my dad gets mad at my brother and I, but our mother tells us that he always feels bad afterwards. I hope he knows I love him very much.

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1

Last week I took a Chinese Clep test. It started out very well, I understood everything that the recorder played and was able to answer all the questions. As you know, the Cantonese language is written in two different formats. One way, the tradition way, was the one I learned since I was a little kid. The other format was a newer, I believe it originated in Hong Kong or something, was much like the original except more scribbled-looking". Anyways, I opened the next section of that test and it all looked like scribbling to me. So I spent most of the remainder of time sifting through and guessing at words. Then, I decided to just skip through to the end. That is when I figured out that the back part of the test was the traditional format. "Damn it!" was the first words that rushed through my mind, along with a whole stream of foul consciousness. But of course, that was last week, and I already have my results back from the test. I believe I did relatively well. Relative to my usual grades in my classes and tests. Today, Monday, is the first day I have been to my RLM Biology discussion, thus making the actual first full week of school. I must say, I am completely exhausted. Biology discussion was quite an episode. We had an TA that had a really really bad accent. Much worse, he tried to give an oral review, and when he asked questions, everyone in the class stared at him blankly. Some ventured a guess softly, but the entire process took most of the discussion period. Then we took a quiz, which I found to be a bit difficult because I didn't understand teh oral review. I had to buy books today. Spent a whopping 129 dollars just on two stupid books that I probably won't be needing much. I could have found many many other uses for that 129, but this is college, land of the rich and prosperous, haha. Geez, look at my grammar in this essay, I think my english teacher would have a heart attack. Psych class was pretty interesting today. Dr. Pennebaker brought in a polygraph for demonstration in the class. I was completely fascinated by the experiment. Too bad I can't say the same for my Philosophy class. Its not a boring class, its just that he is got this very very soft weird voice, almost commanding me to fall into deep sleep. And so I obeyed. I notice that when I'm sleeping in class, my body still attempts to take notes while my brain is on standby. But of course, I wake up to find a whole lot of scribbling on my paper that does not make any sense whatsoever. You can definitely tell at what point in the lecture I crashed. The funniest part is, I lent my notes out to a friend that just got into the class, wishing him good luck. I think since I have been here at UT for the fall, I have become more stressed about little things and uncaring about other things that should be worried about. I have been wondering about how my friends have been doing, wherever they went. I worry about other stupid things that I feel the need not to bring up at this moment. However, I have not been worrying enough about schoolwork. I have been recreating too much. This weekend though, we went to Barton Springs to see a friend that came up to visit us from UTSA. Barton Springs was nothing like I had imagined. I absolutely loved it. Everything except the coldass water. Then on the trip back, with the windows rolled down and the wind in my face, it felt so good. It felt like summer again. Of course, I had enrolled in the UT Summer program. A little bit of work, but a lot less crowd. I miss summer.

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23

I am realy not sure as to whqat to write. I know that htis laptop is really diffucult to write on. My spellint on here really sucks and I know that hese are probably rally fun to read. It must be intereesting to see what everyone write and how their minds work. I muust sound oso incompetent. I hate that. Isaac is playing on Dunstin's conmputer and I wish that I dcould playthe pinball game. I want to see how high of a score I can get. I think, yes people are coming into the room. I hope that they don't bother me too; much. I cna't wait until this weekend because my boyufriend is coming in town. isaac just said dammit. hehehe. bad oby. i thoughtthat the didn't say such words. I love my floor becasue we alway s go to luch and didnner together. AThere is a party on the oroof tonight but I don't think I can go because I hvre so much homework to do. I don't wantt o have to take my quiex tomorrow morining. I want to see who his here. there saying something about peons. waiit, that was not what I meant to wire. I have to tell isaac aobuth that later. I just got I'm'ed by my firend Brad and had to replay. I really whis thtat they would stop talking because it is distracting. Maybe I should theel them this, but I don't want to seem like a mean maen girl. this girl really annoys me and I don't know why. I wondrer waht Lou si doong right now. I really hat e this a;laotop. 0My nose itchers. I want a slurpee. But, I don;'t havre any money. I am aobut to be left alone in this room. Myabe that will help. I still have thirteen minutes to write. Young life. they are talk ing about young life. I went to uounglife in high schol and it sucked byecause it I s so clique-y. I hate thqat , bt that's hitghschool. More and more a preople. My muscles hurt. I need to go to a maassuse. I sont know what to say. rthat girl wants to lose it all. She doesn'tneed to becasuethen it would dissappear. I hat e that! aaAll these peopel need to go. I can't concentrated. whate are theneating. Ughh . blah blah blah. accept nos ubsititues. i messed tat one up. I watnt o tgo to that partyon the roolf=. yayayayaayayay. ir eally want to say something to them but I can't. fudge. there is a one huhndreed dollare bill on issaac's bilbaord. rex is trying to turn me on. he's successful. hahahaha he's aan allstar. I don't know how accurate this thign is going to be becasue I kep geeting inturrupter. fabric commercial. rex is leavin b ecasue I dtold him to so that I can do this sudccessfullly. austrin powers. I lovedthat movie. oday, darth. Ralph fromt eh simpsons. I cjoo choo choose you. cure dress. dand, poeople won't stop cominginhere. that are about o t do it agaoin! It is s so amnmyoing. soneone is playing xzelda. idon'tknow whow to play that game. I don't waint to go b ack in to my room. but I am going to watch destinaps. os. that's gona suc, waht's gona suck more is that I hav eto do my journalism. four more minutes. I wonder how much I can write in that aomuoont of tiee. I have the worst time on thes laptop and worst time spleeing. di carack upl . fjakdgjad;@Qf freak hoe. dusin. dusty. grave. veatingonthedorr. westbury sucks. I remevber my drama class. tabitha the hoe, justing the player, eric the quite guy, cedric the loudmouth who never cme to class. you yaya. mers. gehbaure hwho was a bixnatch that nfever game me the parts taht I was sutied for. she aslaways palyed faviorited and agave the arts to tabitha. I abtually ogot antiogne. I kicked butt in that palya and even got a n waward. It was so much fin. I mess dramamand uil competeitions. I loved that thill of acting in fromt of so many people adn being afaid onf messing up on my lines. I am done. goin ato the part. time to smaoke.

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12

I keep thinking about this White Stripes song and I cannot remember the name of it so I can download it. It continues to anger me. Its really dark in here so I should open the blinds, but I think right now there is a glare through a window and that would not be good since my computer faces it. Just a minute ago my keyboard was making me really mad. It would freeze up and I couldn't type certain letters. It made me so mad. I wonder what Ben is doing right now. He wasn't online but I know he doesn't have to work today so I am curious what he is doing. I called him earlier today and then when I got out of school. I really miss him and I am glad I get to go home next Friday. I also miss my dog, Rosie. I wonder if she thinks about me or maybe thinks I am dead or something. Mom said she looked for me a little bit. I can't believe my credit card got denied. That makes me so mad since Mom sent the check like a week and a half ago. I wonder if I can get on the website and look at my balance. Dad is such a cheap guy. I can't believe that he thinks I can live on $250 a month. I guess I could but that would mean I couldn't buy everything I want and since Mom isn't here to take me shopping and buy stuff for me, I have to buy it for myself. I just got back from Walgreens and I am also getting really mad because my car is really dirtier every time I get in it. There is bird crap all over it since it is under that tree. I kind of like the spot and the shade, just not the crap. I wonder when I will start to feel better. I need to take that medicine. I can't stop coughing now and I couldn't in class either. I bet it made the people around me hate me. It feels weird to have already eaten dinner at 6:30. It kind of sucks that they serve it from 5 to 6:30 because I am used to it at like 7:30. The food here is not all that great but there is a better variety than Mom makes. I am so excited about going home next weekend and sleeping in my double bed. It is really hard to get used to sleeping in a twin when I usually sprawl out all over the double. My bed also has that poofy thing that needs to flatten out because it makes it harder to sleep. Bennett borrowed one of my scarves today and that also made me mad. I don't mind that she borrowed it but I really wished she would have asked first. Some of her clothes are really ugly I think. I don't know I guess that is what you get coming from Podunk, TX. I like her a lot but I just feel like she thinks she is hot stuff and it also pisses me off that she rushed and I didn't. I really would like to know how someone like her was accepted and I wasn't. I'm not saying that she is gross or anything. I just think that I should have gotten into a good one also. It makes me mad and disappointed and upset all at the same time simply because I always pictured myself being in a sorority and I never expected rush to go that way at all. It kind of hurts even worse since everyone on my hall has all of the decorations and all of that stuff. Claire also made me mad last night when she started eating all of my goldfish and stuff. I have so much homework to do and all I want to do is go to sleep. I feel awful because my nose is running and my throat and ears hurt, plus I keep coughing. I wonder if it is just allergies or if I actually have a cold. Mom said she would make an appointment with Dr. Eldredge when I go home so that he can see me if I need him to. I really like him a lot more than Dr. Audrey because he isn't psycho and he is really young. That makes me think of Paschal and Fort Worth because his office is down that way. Man I really want to go to Ol South. I really am kind of homesick. I have been trying not to think about it because it makes me really sad. I think I miss Rosie and Mom the most. I miss Ben but I am beginning to think that we are not right for each other. The other night when we went to those frat parties I was thinking that I don't know if I can do it or not. I am not sure whether I am missing him or missing the attention and also I know that we are not really in love and I don't see myself loving him. I really miss what Eric and I had and I think that is really the only relationship that I have been in where I was in love. I think Eric is mad at me because I called him the other day and he never called me back. I wonder if things would have ended up differently if he had gone to school or even had a better career path than he does. I really miss him but I don't think I could do the long distance thing with him any better. Plus, I know there were things wrong with him too. I really wish I could combine the traits of both people I like and make a boyfriend specified to my desires. I bet everyone does. I can't believe how tired I am. I wish I could just go to bed right now. Maybe I will take some Tylenol PM. Although that didn't help me at all last night. Everyone is gone to their sorority meetings now so I think I am the only one here. Oh well that's okay I will get a lot done. There were these guys in class today that

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How's it going to be when you don't know me anymore, Janice is the person Phillipines dancing dia de los muertos the Doritos chip girl rain umbrella closet I want to be the creator I want to be the beginning the middle and the end there's so many ways to go about this gateway I remember that heaven's gate thing where everybody killed themselves committing suicide is not good the ut clock tower was closed not because of the shooting but all the people who jumped off got to go skydiving maybe I'll be accepted to that freefall program through rotc who knows will I be able to juggle all of these components of my life, will my paradigm be changed, my paradigm is my way of thinking has this already changed without me knowing over the past few days no because I have a journal to record all of my memories in all of my thoughts usually what I think is funny what is funny standup and make people laugh what a joy to entertain others my toe hurts I shouldn't have been trying to impress my roommates hopefully it will heal soon toes always heal fast think that way jeff and it will happen you can do it adam sandler is so funny do you have any chewing gum the alphabet stares me in the eyes as does the poo lying on my bedspread waiting to annoy me as I wake from my deep slumber it's not easy fitted briefs rule if I didn't have them life would be much harder but I feel like I am some sort of baby when I was a baby my first word was juice I miss Christine so much it all comes down to that it's the bottom line I need her to be completely happy or do I just need someone ideally her but I could settle for another it's so hard to forget her sure she's so far away but there's a great chance we could be together in the end all it takes is time dedicated to staying in touch pushing the right buttons keeping her interested without pushing it and smothering her I can do this so many girls at ut so many everywhere what's going on in their heads today I eave dropped on someone's conversation it wasn't real it was like the extras in my life holding a conversation for the sake of ambience just for background noise the convo had no substance no validity it was fake and I know that my life is some sort of show being played somewhere maybe everyone else is real in their own context but I am the center I'm sure that was a theory I learned in Siskovics senior year came and went like water under a bridge red Volvo I want to have a nice big truck like Travis Herzog and cruise around without a care in the world no stress I had to ride my bike to campus today what a drag went to the drag today didn't see the beggars what lovely incisors someone said but they weren't really there what o'clock is it what direction where am I going the world is spinning my neck hurts my toe hurts that is not the only hurt my body carries like a vessel of insanity I lurk about trying to find my ideal tag team wrestling partner what would he look like is there anyone out there that looks exactly like me I'm sure it is possible I mean James Wollums and I look so much alike and this was just San Antonio I want to hear her voice laughing and calling my name I want to see her smile glistening and feeling the same just feeling is an experience why do we all take our senses for granted it's not like you're the champ champ I can be a mean champ tom green just runs through my cells like a fox jumping over the cow who in turn is jumping over the moon what axiom said we no no but an epiphany turns me moves me out of insanity and I'm back on squishy Astroturf hearing smelling biscuits does a blonde tell jokes about brunettes the eyes are the window to the soul what is a soul I've never touched one or maybe I have and I just don't know it we can only comprehend so much and who is to say that we only use 11% of our brain how can they come to this judgment I could qualify anything and throw it into a book and it would be the authority, no? Of course not that is crazy horses running laps doing layups shooting baskets I miss it all if I could go back there just to smell the gym to feel the sweat on m jersey to hear the crowd as it cheers for my 2 free throws red hair bobby are you my butler no no fresh prince come again albertson's it's your store you see my thoughts have no grammar so screw you screw it where did this word come from who made it what phonetical background does it have I don't care exclamation point dear journal name your kids journal so that the whole world writes to them it's be fair game for them to open up any journal and say it's theirs to read why not snot allergies ah allegra my mind is so boggled by this I am infiltrated with media if I could get out if you only knew.

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2

Ok, I guess I should be typing, that clock is making me kind of nervous. Well, whatever, I just saw my roommate, I really didn't know she was going to be here. I feel really nervous, I don't know why. Oh yeah, I really need to work on my first paper for my English class. I hope I get a good grade, because when I work on it, I feel as if it should be harder that what it actually is. Gosh, my math class really sucked today. I did not understand a word she was saying, but that's ok, because so did the rest of the class. I wonder what my mom is doing, oh and my dogs too. I really miss them. Even though my dog hates me and is kind of crazy, I miss him so much. 6 minutes, that's it! It feels as if I've been typing forever. Before I forget I need to talk to Daisy today, man that girl is so crazy. I also got to talk to Lillian, just to see how her day went. Napoleon was being so funny last night, I really like talking to him at night, even though we talked until like midnight. I wonder what kind of music that guy is going to play in my psychology class. He usually plays weird music, today it's going to have to do with the brain, that'll be interesting, I suppose. I hope I'm doing this right. Who ever reads this, if it's ever actually read, will probably think it was lame. Oh, well. You're also going to find plenty of mistakes, opps my bad. Gosh, that sounded like a line out of that movie: Clueless. I feel clueless a lot, so that's ok. I can't wait to go to sleep, that's one of my favorite things to do ever since school started. This past 3-day weekend was great because I got to wake up so late and just hang around my dorm with my roommate. She's cool. I'm so glad I get along with my roommate, because I've been hearing some roommate horror stories lately, I guess I lucked out. Wow, I've been writing for 16 minutes! I guess it was harder to get started. I wonder if the people around me think I'm writing like this really long email to someone. they're probably thinking I'm a loser, ha-ha. that's kind of funny to think about. Daisy is probably talking to her internet boyfriend right now at a computer on campus. Her boyfriend is so funny. Some girl just sat next to me, I hope she doesn't read this. I don't know what else to say, my time is almost out. Ahhhh! I wonder if anyone is actually going to read this. Well my time is up, it was great, but I've got to print out my biology lecture.

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26

college is perhaps the most unstructed, yet the most structured enviornment I have yet to face. Vague, vague, it's all vague, yet so remarkably specific. I can't help but thing about what I'm going to say next. I'm engaged in an activity, that's how I work. When I'm doing something, I try to do it with the most focus I can. To simply do it with no thought is, to me, a waste of mind. Back to college, I'm still trying to convince myself that I had no choice. Had I given myself the option, I would be a music major, but I didn't do what I had to do. I slacked off on my music, a thing I can never forgive myself for. Sure, in that time, I managed to develop my other skills in school, but what a becauset. I played viola for seven years to major in chemistry. Sure, some may say that just having played is enough, but for me, to not bring about one's work to full potential is not worth anything. I hope I go through with chemistry, then at least I can say I stuck with something. Listening to music right now, I think that perhaps I could have achieved that; maybe I still can, but it seems to far right now. at least the food is good, and my roommate is a nice person. I guess college will just be a test of how much I want to make a good life for myself. it's my brother; I'm so glad to talk to him; I had to leave him in the middle of the hardest part of his life (middle school); he was really used to having me there, but it seems like he's adapting fine. I hated my middle school years. The kids we mean and the teachers we less than happy to help out a shy little guy like I was. thankfully, high school was much better. College seems like it will be full of wonderful interaction, but I wonder how much interaction I'll be able to stand. I'm the kind of person who likes other people, but who also sees them as a distraction most of the time. and they always seem to distract when you don't want them to and disappear when you want company. I'll never figure people out. Well, this has been a lot of uncohesive thought, but I guess that's the whole point. adieu and farwell

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30

In fact I always think about her whenever I have a spare moment. She is in my every thought. She is so far away from me, yet in my heart she is so close. I read some poetry tonight, Love Sonnets, and all I could think about was her. She is so beautiful. I long for the next time I can see her. It seems like only yesterday we met for the first time. I talk about her constantly to all my friends to the point, where they are either sick of hearing about her, or know her almost as well as I do. I know it's not the best thing to go through, but I am seem to be sad all the time. Not literally, or maybe literally, but it is hard to explain. I love her more then life itself, but I "hate" her for leaving me. Not really hate, but I don't know how to explain it, but more like I guess a little dislike. Nothing I can't handle, I just wish she was here with me. It doesn't seem fair. I see all of my friend's with their significant others, and they are next to each other always. Sharing all the "special" moments in their lives, but I have to wait at least a week, before I can call her. The bill is too expensive otherwise. I beg her to come back, knowing full and well, that she can't do that, but it seems to help but sometimes hurt at the same time. She is so special to me, and I can wait forever for her. Most people think that is absurd, but she is my everything. Being sad a lot I know is to a degree not healthy, but what can I do. The moment she walked down the corridor in the airport, I heart stopped smiling. Since that gloomy day in June, a part of me has been gone. Although I smile on the outside, on the inside I am sad. The day her sweet embrace takes me in, only then can I smile. That day is not too far away, and I long for it. I guess this is the best part of being sad, because I feel better thinking about the future, the only thing is that it is a type of perpetual loop. As soon as I think about the future and being with her, I get sad again thinking that I have to wait another few months. Then I think about all the times that I will be "alone" without her. As much as my friends are great, I have none really. She is my one and only TRUE friend. I have some friends, I. e. my roommate, and a several other people that genuinely care, but most of them don't. I have pretty much stopped "trying" to be there as much as I have in the past. I feel that I am only a friend in the convenience of someone else. I feel that they only come to talk to me when they need something, or when something is wrong for them. I used to try so much, but in the past month's I have stopped trying. That may not be the answer, but it is something that I have come to. I tell all my friends that if they do need me, then I will be there for them. I called to see how my friends were. I paged them telling the just a simple "hello". Calling them randomly just to check if everything was cool. And that favor was never really returned. So, now I don't care as much. I am still there if someone needs me. I could NEVER abandon a friend. I care too much about people for that. All of this leads me back to my girlfriend. She is the one person that ALWAYS cares about how I am feeling. She always knows when something is wrong or bothering me. She always wants to take care of me and love me. And for that I return the feelings back 10x over. I love her and I don't want anything ever to happen to her, so I check with her as much as I can. She is some kind of special and I can't let her go. She is too good to me. It's moments like these where I get to feel better about my situation, because I know everything will be fine in the "end", but at this moment in my life, I am not so much worried about the "end" as the now. Maybe worried isn't the best word. I just wish she was here to spend time with me. So we could eat dinner together, go see a movie together, to study together, to love together. All the couple things and all the friend things. It just seems unfair, and then there are points like now, where I miss her like crazy and I think I am going to go nuts without her. I know I can be strong and I can surpass this and the end will be that much sweeter. So with that in mind, I can end this "journal" entry on a good note and feel good about everything.

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14

I have so many things going on in my life right now. Pat Wedge, the cheerleading coach, called me yesterday and invited me to come and work out with the squad. I do not know if I am ready to cheer this semester. Right now my biggest concern is my grades. I am going into am interview on Wednesday with romie, from K-Hall agency, I love to model and I hope my career will progress in Austin. Then today I called thr director over the Miss Austin paegent, she is going to mail me information to compete in the paegent in Feburary. All of this adds on to my never ending stress. I guess you can say "I do not like to put all my eggs in one basket", at least my mom tells me that. I like to try everything life has to offer, so I will fill satisfied. Besides all my extraciricular activities, I feel a little empty. Being a freshman I am having to deal with moving away from my family and starting a new life on my own. I finally knew I was grown up when I got my first phone bill! I really enjoy Austin, it has so many things to offer. My mom misses me, we were very close. On sunday I met her in Temple and we talked. My feelings are very strong, but I know how to deal with them. I have had many obsticals in my life and I had to learn from my mistakes. I think in the long run I would not change my past. It made me grow up a lot quicker. I also feel in more mature for my age than other freshman, because of my past expirences. I can not wait to see what the future holds for me. I guess you can say I get really excited about life, because there are so many directions god has allowed me to go. I will just let him guide me, and I know I will be happy and sucessful.

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6

I am very, very tired. I have not been getting enough sleep, I wake up too early for my eight o clock math classes, and I can never seem to go to bed earlier than 2 in the morning. I want to go to bed earlier, but for some reason I just can not. Maybe part of the problem is that I am addicted to Diet Dr. Pepper, and I even drink them late at night. It is probally the caffeine that is keeping me up. I am also feeling extremely stressed out at the moment. I went through rush and became a pledge in a sorority that I love. I went through the whole process by my self. Unlike many other girls, my parents did not really help me, or even want me to. Now that I have become a member, we are accpted to pay a lot of money and my parents are telling me we do not have it. It is extremely frusterating because they are being complety unsupportive. I told them that I would get a job and they said that if my grades suffered then I would have to quit the sorority and the job, but since they are not offering to pay much money towards it, what exactly is it that they want me to do?? I am also extremely frusterated that I do not have a computer yet. I am in the college of education, and I ordered an ibook from the UT computer store. When I placed the order, they told me it would take up to two weeks for the computer to be in. It has been a week and a half so far. I called the store today and the lady was extremely rude and said that it usually takes three weeks for a customer to receive their product. I am using my roomate's computer at the moment, and although she says that she does not mind, I feel bad constantly using it, and I would just be more comfortable if I had my own. I also feel sick. I have had a sore and extremely scratchy throat for what feels like weeks now. I never seem to get better. One day I might feel a little more lively and energetic but the next day I will just feel worse. You know, I am usually not this pessimistic. In fact I am proud of the fact that I am so optimistic, however at this moment, right now, I just have a lot of problems and a lot of stuff to be upset about. The whole cost of my sorority is really stressing me out. I know that my parents want me to quit, they were hinting at it on the phone last night, but I just do not want to. It is something that I have gone through, and it is something that I enjoy. I am the first person on either side of my family to have joined either a sorority or a fraternity, and I would like to uphold this. I would like to prove to them that their is nothing wrong with it. My family can sometimes be close minded and I would like to be the first one to open up their mind on this idea. Lets see, so I don't sound like a depressed, basket case, let me think of the positive aspects in my life right now. To begin, I absolutely and completely am in love with college. I love my dorm, I like my roomates and my suitemates and all of the people that live in my hall. I have already established some awesome friendships and I know that as the year progresses, they will only blossom. I like my classes. I mean school is school, but the classes I am taking are somewhat interesting to me, and I do not really mind studying these subjects. I am in the college of education; I want to be an elementary school teacher, and I am very much looking foward to that. I can not wait to begin working with children. I love kids. I would like to have four someday. Preferabally two girls and two boys, but it is not like I would not be happy with whatever I get. I am from Austin, and my parents and my two younger sisters live about fifteen minutes away. I have not seem my family all that much since I have moved in because I am trying to get the full college experience of going away. I almost decided against UT because I thought it was to close to home, but now I am so glad that I came here. However, the point of this was, I am not homesick because I have lived in Austin for the last 5 years. It is cool though because I never spent much time down on campus, so it is almost like I am in a new city. The guy that lives down the hall laughs at me because I am so bad with directions and do now know where the closest Wal-Mart of HEB are from our dorm. But I always tell him that it is because I am not from this part, I mean i just do not know this whole downtown/campus area of Austin very well. I am very excited because today I am beginning my diet and new excerise plan. Following a diet and watching myself lose weight always makes me feel better about my self. These are just some of my thoughts and feelings at this moment.

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23

Going off to college for me was the chance for a new beginning, a fresh start. A makeover. All the things I disliked about myself could be fixed. Or so I hoped. Unfortunately, the thing about myself that I hate the most and has plagued me for so many years has managed to follow me here as well despite my efforts to escape it and start over. GERD. It hurts my relationships with others as well as myself physically. I thought that the gross puking that occurs after I eat too much would magically disappear when I became a healthy college student. But it hasn't and now my roommates are on to me. But I'm not supposed to know. Instead I just get to imagine what awful things they are thinking of me and know that every time I put food in my mouth they think I'll throw it up. And they don't even know because they haven't even asked me about it. They just speculate and have apparently come to the conclusion that I'm bulimic. Which I'm not. Yes, I have a problem that I need to take control of. But I don't appreciate the way they're going about the whole thing. My roommate, who has known me for the past three years and is aware of my condition, could actually believe them. And she didn't even ask me. Instead, she picks up the phone and calls my boyfriend. I'm going to see him tomorrow and I was so excited but now I have to deal with this. She has to go worrying him like this. But he won't worry. My loving, caring boyfriend will instead contemplate breaking up with me. He won't have anything to do with a bulimic girl and I'm not one. I really care about him. He's my best friend. I miss him so much. I just always fear that my problems will drive him away. I wish I were more confidant and more everything. But I can't help the way I feel or the way I am. And I really need him. He makes me so much happier and healthier. But I'm not as dependent as I sound. I really had no idea how much he meant to me until I left him. And I'm always afraid that he won't feel the same. I know that we'll break up eventually, but I hope he's right about us always being friends. That is so important to me. And maybe one day we'll find out that we're meant for each other. I do believe that there is one special person that I'm supposed to marry. God has a plan for my life. But I am totally clueless as to what it is. And you know I'll never know if I don't invest any time in Him. I need to get my life in order the way I planned to the day I moved off to college.

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14

Today was a long day. I have been going none stop on about four hours of sleep. Chemistry 301, I have found, is really kicking my butt. I made a seventy on the quiz, but I think I could have done a lot better. Tonight I'm going to go see Shrek 2 with Andres and the guys. I can't remember if it is any good or not, but I guess I'm going as an excuse not to do my homework. One day I will get around to reading chapter three in psychology. This weekend I'm taking Bethany to Oklahoma to go see Bradley and Jon for Brad's birthday party. Oklahoma City is such a far drive from here. I think that it will take me about seven hours to get there but then I have to drive another thirty or so minutes to Edmund for the actual party. I'm going to meet Mom Sunday afternoon on the way home for a nice home cooked meal. I haven't had one of those for so long. Well, actually Tim's mother cooked us fajitas and lasagne last weekend when we went to Mexico, but that is not the same as my mom's cooking. After the UNT vs. UT game on Saturday, which might I add we kicked their butt, about eight of us loaded up and decided to go to Mexico spur of the moment. Tim's parents have a house in Laredo. His dad works for A&M International University as an athletic director. Hmmm. I am running out of things to talk about now. October 8th, is the Aubrey homecoming football game and my friend Niki has to crown this year's queen so I'm going home for the weekend to see everyone. I miss everyone a lot but I don't as much as I thought that I would. High school was great but college is so much better. Although, I would have to say that even though I was the valedictorian and I didn't have to study that much in high school, college is so much more difficult. I think I'll probably change my major a few times too. I know for sure that I want to do something in the medical field with children but I have no idea what I want to major in before I get there. And would my phone quit freaking beeping at me so I can finish this assignment! Ok its just Andres wanting to know if I am going to watch Shrek 2 at Jester tonight at 8. I wish that I could have went to party on the plaza today but I had so much to do it was nearly impossible. I had a TIP mentor meeting at 5, which is when my last class ended but I had to cut that an hour in a half short to go to a TIP seminar that was about notetaking. Now how boring is taking notes about notetaking. That is almost as bad as the seminar I have to go to three times a week. Critical thinking is thinking about thinking. YUCK! Couldn't the writers of the book think of something just a little more creative than that. I mean who wants to sit in lecture first thing in the morning and listen to a speech about what it means to be a critical thinker. Anyways, then I left the notetaking seminar early to go to Women in Medicine. The speaker there talked about how she had a stroke and was no longer allowed to drive and her vision was now impaired. I couldn't imagine having my driving privledges taking away from me and not being able to see. I have 20/20 vision right now but that doesn't mean that I'm a good driver. I have fallen asleep at the wheel twice in two weeks. Two weeks ago I went to Dallas to go see my friends in a band and I ended up staying in Waxahachie until 8 in the morning. When I was coming home the next day I stopped and got coffee before I headed out but sure enough about thirty minutes later I dozed off. I had to stop at a truck stop and sleep in my car for awhile. I can't believe I keep doing that. It is so dangerous and just last week a girl from my home town died in a car wreck when she was coming home and hit a tree. My Dad called this weekend, which is odd considering he just decided to flee last Christmas and not tell anyone where he was going. He said he had a dream about me and he was just making sure I was ok. I'm not sure if that was an excuse to talk to me or if he really had a dream. The reason why I wonder that is this past year all my dreams have been coming true and it is so weird. If he had a dream about me that was bad will it come true too? Maybe it is a weird genetic thing and we have dreams that foretell the future. . just kidding. Ok well here is the countdown. I only have about 30 more seconds to type so any second now it is going to stop me. Ok my time should be about up now. Yeah ok I'm done. . The End!

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24

As I write my first writing assignment, I can't help but notice the time: 5:55pm. As usual, my radio is on. It only takes away the silence in my apartment. Blank. My head is blank. Empty. With nothing to say or write about. This has never been a problem before. In high school, there was never silence. Maybe I was always too busy to hear the silence. Now, it's a part of my life. At certain times last year, I could hear it. Weird, seeing how it was my freshman year in college. This year is my second year and I seem to hear nothing but silence. I am still involved in the same activities as last year. Perhaps, it's a sign that I'm finally growing up. Another weird concept. I am thinking that I like silence. Deep down, I do believe that I am a loner. In high school, who would have thought? A loner should be lonely, right? But I am not lonely nor am I ever bored. I like to do things by myself. I think that's it. I don't need anyone. I don't need companionship nor do I need to be felt needed. Awww. to much of the word, "need". No more. I am happy. I am content. I am selfassured. I told my mom once that I was a loner, but I can't remember what she said. I don't think she even responded to me. Funny thing though. I know I want to be married someday. Now, how would a loner accomplish something like that? I socialize very little these days. My mind is always on school and my studies. I just want that medical acceptance letter in my hands. That is all that counts. Well, not all. My family counts too. They mean more to me than anything. My little brother is here at UT. (he's no longer little anymore) I'm hoping he enjoys his first year. I know I did. So many memories to reminisce. Time: 6:11pm. My goal this semester is: 4. 0 GPA. I really need to bring up my GPA from first year. And my goal next semester is: 4. 0 GPA. My uncle always says, hard work will always be paid off in the end. Consistency + Confidence = Success. 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0, 4. 0. I hope I can do it. I hope I can do it. I hope I can do it. I know I can do it. I hope I won't be behind in my classes. Especially in that chem. Class. It seems like a really hard class. I can feel those late nighters already. Time: 6:15pm.

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20

My girlfriend just ask me to turn off the CD player and do my work. MTV is on and there is a women and a guy fighting for some reason. My girlfriend is now munching with her mouth wide open. I’m attempting to make Baked Potatoes but I think that they are going to burn. I went shopping to day for food and believe or not this was the cheapest trip yet. I think its because my so called girlfriend thinks that I am thinnely challenge. . I'm trying to figure other things to write about but nothing is coming to mind. My girlfriend is still stuffing her face with frito scoops. I don't understand how she can eat just as much as I do yet she has the body of a swim suit model. Her Metabolism must be skyrocketing. My train of thought is fading again. Lets get back on track again. It is 9:22 PM and dinner is almost serve because my lover is about to feed me like a king. I trying to type as fast as I can with out a mistake. My girlfriend just ask if she could read mine yet I really don't want her to. she probably yell at me and call me an idiot. She is now eating her food in front of me and she spilt her ranch dressing all over her new shoes. (Reebok DMX) her baked potato looks so good right now with bacos and cheese and I think sour cream or it may be butter. I cant really get a good look at it!!! I'm a soph fixing to be a junior and my girlfriend is a freshmen. Yet , I'm taking classes that she's in!!! I feel stupid the thing is she is so smart. She was valedictorian of her class. Her major is biology and mine is Kinesiology. I'm studying to be a physical therapist and she wants to save the world by saving the rain forest and finding cures for all diseases. I just transferred in from ACC this semester and while I was there I took most of my basic except math and science classes. She placed out of some of her classes. Do you see what I'm getting at. I feel insecure sometimes about my intelligence. I know I can do anything I want I just wished I would of took advantage of it when I was younger. My life would be alot better if I had just did my work when from the start. My freshman year I took 18 hrs. and dropped 15 of them. Sounds stupid huh I think working at a club until 5 and sometimes 6 in the morning had some affect on it. My last semester at ACC I pulled a 3. 5 and this year I plan on getting a 4. 0 just to prove to myself and others that I can compete with the best of them.

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It's cold in here. I need to sleep. I'm missing my best friend. One more class until the day is over. Some time to myself. My head hurts. I need to study. My long distance phone bill will drive my mom nuts. I miss my boyfriend. He's so far away. One more month until I see him again. I need to make a phone call. Should I listen to what they say. I'm all alone. Finally. I'm sore. When will this week end? I had a conversation. Did he think I was dense? Should I tell Jacob? He shouldn't be jealous. What have I left behind? What lies ahead? There's something in my eye. I hate wearing contact lenses. When will my brother call? I smell like Listerine. I spilled it on the floor of my dorm. I wonder if my roomate noticed. Is she there right now? Did anyone call? Should I call home? I haven't called my mother. Is Joshua here? What about Joanna? What about Lilia? Are they here? Will I see them? I'm still cold. I want to go to bed. I should eat something right now. Nevermind, maybe later. What should I do tommorow? The day's almost over. One more class to go. Journalism should be fun. Hope I don't fall asleep. Why did her alarm go off so early this morning? Why didn't she let me sleep? I'm quiet when she's asleep. I don't throw my stuff around. Why did she make so much noise? Why couldn't I sleep last night? What woke me up? Why was I so scared? Will I be able to sleep tonight? I wonder what she thinks of me? Is she annoyed that I'm always on the phone? Does it bother her that I'm so quiet. I'm studying whenever she gets in. Does she think that's all I do? Is that good or bad? Will we get along? Has she said anything to her friends about me? Do I bother her when she's studying? Does she think she bothers me? It is so cold in here. I can't feel my fingers anymore. What are we going to talk about in journalism? I hope it doesn't rain tonight. I can't sleep when it rains. I wonder if it rained at home. Has anyone tried to call me? Has anyone e-mailed me? Did I take good notes in class? Why am I so tired? I wonder what Jacob is doing right now. Maybe I should call him. I have to go upstairs and get my book. I'm used to being alone. Talking to him gives me a reason to smile. He brightens my day. I hope they win on Friday. I need to get a job. I don't have any money. My phone bill is already too much. I've just been here a week. Every night I spend two hours on the phone. I wonder how much it is going to be. My legs hurt. I need to run some more. Maybe three miles tommorow. There's still something in my eye. It hurts a lot. The computers won't print in here. I'll probably be back later. I'll bring a sweater next time. I wonder how the band is doing back home. Are they outside practicing right now? Why hasn't Laura answered my e-mail? Is she too busy? I can't believe I gave that guy my phone number? What was his name again? He was really funny. I needed to talk to someone. Should I tell Jacob? He'll get mad. I know he will. He'll get mad and just not tell me. Its really cold in here. I want to go upstairs.