Datasets:

jingjietan

/

essays-big5

like 0

1

0

0

1

1

19

it is wednesday. I can't wait until friday because I am going home to see brandon. I miss him so much. I can't wait to see him. two more days. this has been a very long two weeks. time passes very slowly here. I have a lot of free time on my hands when I am not in class. class. psychology class. psychology is fun so far. it really interests me, and prof. pennebaker is funny. chapter two sort of scared me though. how am I going to remember all of those terms. I didn't even finish reading it because I didn't understand it. but I should have becasue matt said that it was interesting. he was telling me about how they cut some part of a cat's brain out in an experiment. that is weird. the poor cat. matt is weird too. I always wonder if he likes me. he can be so mean when other people are around but so nice when it is just the two of us. I did feel pretty uncomfortable around him today in class. it was weird to sit right next to him. those seats are so close. I wish christina was not dropping psychology. I need her. I was so excited that we would have a class together. I feel like she ditched me. I guess I will get used to that because she is an architect. oooo. I guess I am a little jealous because she will have all of her architect friends, and who will I have? hmmm. also architecture sounds so much smarter than education or communication. communication. if I even get in. how am I ever going to get an appopintment with that leslie thomas? she will never call me back. I will just go tomorrow morning and wait until she is free like mc told me. and bring a book. and sit and wait. I will feel so dumb. why am I so nervous about talking to her? why am I nervous about typing this? I don't want to be in philosophy. it is too hard. I am not smart enough. I don't know. I wonder if that was really tobin I saw today in psychology. it looked like him. as much as I remember him. that is so weird. why do I keep thinking about him. I only talked to him once. I will probably never see him again. I don't know if I will even go to philosophy tomorrow. I want to see him again. why do I want to see him again? that is weird. I feel guilty for thinking aabout another guy. what about brandon? I still like brandon. love him. I miss him. I want to see him. I don't want anyone else but him. I wish he was here with me. then I would not feel so alone. alone. junior senior freshman. I am a freshman. it is so obvious. why? because I look young? becasue I look scared? like I don't know where I am where I am going what I am doing. that I don't belong. I don't belong. it will take time. this is like high school but worse but better. I was so scared freshman year in high school. I hated lamar. but I didn' want to go anywhere else. brandon. I wish we went to the same high school. that would be cool. every time I see a couple I think of him. I miss him. I am so pathertic. alden. was he right? he made me so mad. he can be so rude. why are we friends? he can be nice. he is older. smarter. meaner. mean. hmmm how much time left time time time. passes slowly when you think about it. I should nopt think about it. I have a whole year here without brandon. this dorm. it smells. our bathroom smells. the cafeteria smells. my eye hurts I wnat to take my contacts out I don't want to meet guys with gina and erin. what is there obsession. I think about it too much. so do they. when you think aobut it nothing happens. when you don't something does. I think aobut not thinking about it. fate destiny. GOD. I wish I was a better person. I wish that I had a better relationship with God. I wish that I was happier. I wish I was a little buit taller. that is a stupid song. just like that money on my mind song that reminds me of jimmy moore. I hate him.

1

1

1

0

1

29

wow, I want to go talk to the socialist organization they have a booth out on the west mall, but I am scared. I called them a long time ago. do they remember? I was supposed to go to that march but I didn't I hope they don't remember me-as not showing up-I’ll go in a little while. I hope the toadies don't open up for rage on Saturday, the toadies don't deserve to open up for a band like rage-rage has energy and pizzazz. the toadies suck, they're okay. i dunno, that boy looks like Andy, I don't know what to write, I am trying to write whatever pops into my head first, I wonder what they're gonna do with this I thought he was sam, I look around at people a lot, I wonder what people think o f me when they see me, I think I am pretty thin, but I have a poofy stomach. liposuction would be great, what am I gonna say when I go up to the socialists? hello? I am ericka, I called one of you before--was it you? no no no --I just have to be calm, why am I so nervous? my stomach is tying up in knots. breath in , gosh that's so lame that the wu tang clan cancelled, they suck, why did they do that, I wanted to see the, live- then I could say I’ve seen them, I’ve seen rage, Stanford prison experiment, mighty mighty bosstones, pietasters, h2o, cherry poppin daddies, miss xana don't and the whatevers, less than jake, discount, frenzal rhomb, the impossibles. I have probably seen others, but I dunno, I like shows, Kim goes to all the ones I go to but I haven't even met her in person yet, only on the computer, how weird the computer brings people together, maybe I’ll write her tomorrow, or today, I don't have much time lately, I am sleepy, I want to hang out with people, especially boys, they are my friends more than girls although I am one, we get naked in front of each other, we spit, burp, fart, we are comfortable or at least I am, I wonder if they look at me like one of them, well I guess so, if we do those sorts of things. I am pretty much a boy, sometimes I wish I was, but I like being a girl, no not when it's time to bleed, but see, I can have a baby, and do other things they can't, I love boys, I love Andy, gosh I wish he was here so I could take him down to the socialist table with me I think he knows them, I hope they don't leave, I am going to go when I finish this typing thingy, I can type pretty fast, she looked like Chris, why hasn't she called me, is she in Dallas? I hope Matt didn't leave he probably did, I had a dream he left, I bet he left, he didn't say bye, I hope he emails me, I hope he doesn't forget me, I hope he has fun in merry old England the princess' funeral is on Saturday, I am glad it's on TV. how sad that was, those freak photographers killed her. paparazzi assassins, he is nevermind. cramps hurt my body bad, but only recently, I wonder why---I never got them before. I am just unlucky what an unlucky girl am I --three more minutes of this, my fingers are getting tired next I will get on the list serve for my juvenile delinquency class, then I will talk to the socialists I hope my breath isn't bad I have chicken breath, but I was in a hurry after lunch. no time no time for picking my butt just do it I hope they're still there when I go down, if they aren't I dunno, I hope Jaime likes me, I kinda like him. I hope I have been writing long enough I think so adios

1

0

1

1

0

22

I wish polygamy was still legal. Well, not polygamy, but i wish i could take more than one girl to texas OU weekend. i have like 4 or 5 girls that i would enjoy taking,k and who are all expecting me to take them, but no matter what i do, i am going to piss like 4 girls off. It kind of sucks. I am glad that i can at least take one date, but it is a complicated matter when it comes to toying with peoples, especially girl's emotions. I think i have pretty much decided on who i am going to ask, but i heard that she has a boyfriend, so im not sure about it any more. While this kind of makes me angry, i guess it helps me out in deciding who i am going to ask. I don't even know, there is a girl who lives down the hall from me, and is actually in this class. I am sure it will all work out anyway. I guess when it comes down to it i am lucky to even be here. ( at UT ). A subject that occupies my mind a lot of the time is what happened to me this summer. Basically i went out to fraternity rush party, had way to much to drink. I wish to God someone had been there to take away my keys, but no one was, and i got in my car, drove the wrong way and ended up putting my car into a lake. When i say putting, i mean a 30mph plunge down a boat ramp. I realize that i have almost died and i have spent many hours dwelling on what happend, what could have happened, and thank God, where i am now. The only real problem is how i live now. Any other person would have sworn off drinking for good, but i continue to do it, even though i told my parents i wouldn't. This makes me feel guilty, and upset. I don't really know what im going to do about the whole situation, but i am determined to make my parents realize that i am as responsible as ever, and not to disappoint them. I miss my dog like crazy, which is weird, cause i don't really miss my parents that much. I guess its because i can talk to my parents, but i can't call my dog and see how hes doing. I wish i could have my dog here with me, cause he really is my best friend. I love dogs, they never smart off to you, and they don't stay mad at you. I love college life, fraternity life, and everything else, i just hope that i don't get too bogged down with partying, and stuff, that ill be to busy to study and do well.

1

0

1

0

0

20

Well, lets see . . . I guess the foremost thing I have on my mind is moderate confusion about what exactly I'm supposed to be writing about. I guess that doubt and lack of confidence about what I'm suppose to be doing is a part of my thoughts and what not and thus is appropriate to write about. Hehe, now I feel confident and more sure of this whole writing assignment. Wow, how quickly my entire psychological outlook can turn 180 degrees. What else? Im not hungry or anything, not really tired tomorrow. Im a little worried about whether Im going to be awake enough to pay attention in my 8 o'clock class tomorrow. I'm also a little preoccupied by something someone said to me today, labeling me as too quite and inaggressive in committing myself to just about everything. I guess they might be right, I am a little hesistant to get involved in anything I think might not work out or turn out as I expect. I was thinking about rushing for a couple of frats, but then I realized I didnt even know what they were about. I was caught up in the promise of brotherhood and having fun and being a part of something special, but then I realized I didnt know what I was getting in to and that I might not be able to get out if I changed my mind. Thus, I decided not to rush, perhaps because of the fear of commitment and unfulfilled expectations that someone stated dictates most of my actions, or perhaps because I had a valid thought in suspecting I really don't know much about what precisely the fraternity actually did or stood for, who knows? What else am I thinkin about? How about how much longer Im suppose to be writing for. I've been writing nine minutes and I havent really noticed. This assignment isnt as bad as I thought it would be and is actually kind of nice. Almost like a diary of my thoughts; definately good for venting. Man, I sure hope this is what I'm suppose to be doing. I hope I didnt entirely miss the purpose of this assignment and not ger credit. I mean, Im writing about my thoughts and stuff, which seems to deal with Psychology and the human mind, so I think Im doing good here, but Im really not sure. Man, I'm getting a little behind in my reading. A lot of the lectures in many of my classes seem to cover the text exactly so Im a little unmotivated to read. I know I should and I know there is some extra information in the book, but really Im just lazy or something. To be honest, Im unsure of what I need to do to succeed in college. I've yet to take a test or quiz so I don't really know what the deal is. I know it is suppose to be harder than high school, or so many people tell me, but then again some people tell me its about the same as high school but with more reading. I don't know . . . . I know I should prolly be more focused on my studies but Im really cocky when it comes to academics. I know the University of Texas is a fine school with many intelligent students, but I still feel Im more capable than just about every one of them. I guess its part cockiness and part confidence. I don't think my attitude about the matter will be altered until I take my first test and totally mess it up. But if I just coast and do fine on the test, Ill keep on coasting. I mean, I pay pretty good attention in my classes and remember a lot, so I think I'll be okay. Ouch, someone just snuck up on me and smacked me. Can't they see Im trying to do my assignment? How inconsiderate. I guess I would probably do the same. Notbody wants to hear that someone else is busy studying and doesn't have time to do anything even though all of us at some time or another must do the same and decline some invitation to some undoubtedly riveting event or activity in order to tend to less exhilirating, more educational ventures. Hey, only one minute left . . . maybe not, hehe, maybe I can still have some fun. Man, this writing assignment was tyte. It flew by in no time. Actually, I think I feel better now then I did before I started. How cool, if anyone ever read this, these writing assignments rock!

0

1

0

1

1

11

College? I wonder how it will be? I just started it. It seems so nice and easy going as of yet, but I wonder is it something I will enjoy and cherish for the rest of my life. This is my first time living away from home and the ones I love and care about it. I feel the necessity to show to my peers that I'm not scared and do not miss home. But in fact i miss my home and my sister who I fought with all times. I don't know why I feel that it is important to show to others that i'am not home sick. I can't understand that part of my mind. Is it because I want to fit in the croud? Is it because I want to show others that I'm strong? On the other hand - I love what I have been experiencing for the past week. I have experienced things I have never before. I never had to do mylaundry myself and now I do that and I find that I like doing it. I have to go to eat myself. At home the plate was always on the dinner. I feel as if I was spoiled at home and that I was given too much. Here I realize that doing things for yourself can be as much as fun when people do things for you. And that to be self-reliant does have its advantages. I have learnt to handle things on my own. At home, if i met someone I didnt like, it was as if I ignored them but here I realized that it is difficult to ignore 55000 other students and that you have to adjust and compromise so that you are not the one that is ignored by others . So far I can say that college has taught me more than I thought it would. College is not the only thing on my mind. I think about my life as a hole-like how will it turn out? How will I manage to survive financially? If I will make a good living in the future? I question myself why I think so much about the future and so little about the present. I give undue importance to the future and not to the present. My thinking aobut the future helps me ruin my present. Things done turn out the way i want them to. I end up sacrifcing every moment that could have been precious over things that i cannot make precious or things i can't control. But thinking about the future does not take my mind off my past. I question myself if I really do believe in God. My faith in him is torn apart each time a tradegy happens in my life. Losing my grandfather was a big tradegy for me but I coped and realized that he was old and it was his time to go. But when I lost when my father, I really started to think if there was a almighty god since he took away the person I was dependent on emotionally, physically and financially. I decided to look on the positive aspect of life and decided that my mother was still here and so god was not so cruel. But when i lost her at the age of 13, I thought forget God. He doesnt exist. However looking at people who are religious and have faith in god, get everything in life, is making me question of my faith in God. I wonder if he can make miracles happen in my life too? I used to always think about eating food. But since the past year that it had changed. But i'm back to the way i was. I wonder if I'm a emotional eater? When i was depressed in life, i always resorted to eating. However when things improved i stopped eating and now that i'm sad again, i continue to think about eating. I would love to visit a shrink to get to know if I'm a emotional eater.

1

1

1

0

0

28

I have so much reading to do. It seems in all of my classes the professors are overwhelming us with material. But I guess that is to be expected in college, or at least that's what they told us. But I will persevere. I did have above a 100 GPA in high school. So this shouldn't be too hard. But I have to maintain a 4. 0 to please myself. That's attainable too, though. I know myself good enough to know that I will put everything else aside if my grades start to slip. Like last night, I really didn't want to stay in, but I had to catch up on a lot of things. Yep, I'll definitely maintain. No problem. Bye, bye, bye. Man, I hate that song. I wish stupid songs wouldn't get stuck in my head. I've always wondered about the stars. I think it would be the ultimate thing to impress a girl if you took her on a picnic and could lay and look at the stars and point out all the constellations. Hey, then maybe I should take Astrology for my science. After all, I do need two semesters of a science to graduate Business Honors. But I heard that that class was semidifficult, and I need an easy A in my science class. It can't be that bad though. I mean, after all, how hard can looking at the stars be. But in all sciences, they find ways to talk about stuff that I wouldn't have ever imagined could be taught about. Dang, I hate science. All sciences. Well, I guess social sciences aren't that bad. But those aren't really sciences. Just the basic ones bio, chem. , physics, yeah, can't stand those. All right, only ten minutes left. I would have guessed that in ten minutes I would have thought about more stuff. Guess not. What is time? I mean, it is time to us, but why should the universe revolve around humans. I'm sure there are other beings somewhere out there, but we don't have proof. There were those circles in the wheat fields somewhere, but that's not proof. Just some stupid Iowan rednecks trying to get publicity. Just like that kid who is now charging Bobby Knight with abuse. That's so stupid. Just a publicity stunt. It is so apparent to everyone that he didn't do anything wrong. He may have been a little stern in the manner he addressed the kid, but that is nothing that should be brought to the forefront like this. Stupid. I can't wait until college basketball starts, that is the best time of year. Although I go to UT now, I will always be a Duke basketball fan. I have been since I can remember. That's not bad is it? Nah. I enjoy college football, but it just isn't the same to me. I guess it's because college basketball has more action, and because the kids actually care. Not like the NBA. All of them are lazy and just worried about the money, whereas the NCAA the kids play for the name on the front of the jersey, not the back. But I guess there are some players who don't do that. Oh well, I don't care. Bye, bye, bye. Dang, stop it. I need to hook up with a girl tonight. I've been here too long not to have yet. It really gets me how people can have random sex. I'm quite proud to be a virgin, and I will be until I get married. And I know that God will keep me strong. Like my roommate. I just don't understand. Bye, bye, bye. All right. This thing is finally over. One less thing I have to worry about.

1

0

0

1

0

18

I am thinking about how to write this paper. I can't think of what to write. Jessica is putting papers in her notebook I am typing the ring around te logo is blue. the ring around the logo is blue. someone just entered I would rather be playing music. Andrew says goodnight 1 minute 58 seconds. I'm sort of hungry. I think writing this makes me more hungry. I have so much homework to do and other responsibilities. I wish I had no responsibility at this point in time. I'm worried about psychology because the content seems too easy to take a test on, suggesting I'm understanding the full realm of the content or the full realm of my responsibilities in this class although philosophy is worse. I cannot imagine being tested over anything in that class. Astronomy is just about the most difficult class I've ever taken because it's pure physics and not really learning about the general properties of celestial bodies. I've got a block. I need to write more songs, I haven't been able to write fully in over a year. but I could never be nearly as good as the Pixies so it seems frivolous to even try. water I'm beginning to drift off. I really need to do my homework more often I have way too much. I need a cellphone. I think I'm the only person in Austin with no cell phone. everyone assumes I have a cell phone. I can't even get long distance jessica just stuck her finger in my mouth. she didn't think I'd write that. or that. I'm almost halfway through. I'm sleepy. my girlfriend is sexy. Andrew offered to be her tutor. I'm running out of things to write about. the Pixies are the best band ever. bar none. they incorporate obscure time signatures and lyrics into the most influential sound ever, the only quesionable exception being the Velvet Underground. they were copied by many bands yet don't get credit for it. listen to Weezer's "The Sweater Song" and the Pixies "I Bleed". Weezer was even on their tribute CD. No coincidence. listen to any Nirvana song compared to any Pixies song. Nirvana usually gets the credit for creating the modern alternative genre, but it was the Pixies. the liars are pretty awesome too. same with fugazi. and the desaparecidos, even though bright eyes is conor oberst's creative offspring. but the best up-and-coming band is the unicorns. they're neat. 16 43. it's already nearly 12 o'clock. I don't want to go back to my room because my roommate is boring and I'll miss Jessica. and he'll want to go sleep when I come in, like he was waiting up for me. this is hurting my wrists. Party on the Plaza was a little dull. I realize that I can't truly ever write what I'm thinking because that requires me to give a physical aspect to something that isn't physical and the true meaning of what is being said is restricted to restraining par

1

0

1

1

1

23

My throat hurts really bad these past two days but I kind of like it cause when my voice is scratchy it makes me feel sexy. But the problem with that is two-fold, one- why should i want to feel sexy if i already have a boyfriend? does that mean i want a different one? and two i shouldn't be kissing my boyfriend if my throat is scratchy so it doesn't matter if i feel sexy. that whole situation reminds me of the friends episode when phoebe had a cold and she was a super good singer because the phelgm made her feel sexy, but since i'm not a singer i really don't have any useful outputs for my cold and it just makes me feel gross. what i'm afraid of with all this is that i'm thinking about what to type and then typing it rather than just typing thoughts as they come. hopefully you won't have time to read this though so you won't know about my concern of how honest my stream of consciousness is really being. sometimes i want to be an artist because i think that it's really incredible to be able to depict what you think something resembles. but i could never do that because my hands don't have the talent that my mind does- so i think of great things but then i'm never able to really express them, that's probably why most artists are insane because they can't perfectly match their impression of something with their depiction of something. right now our neighbor guy is playing classic rock really loud and it's kind of distracting me. i would go tell him to turn it down but i don't want to interrupt my stream, and also i think he's creepy because he touches my stomach a lot and he gives me these really intense stares and i'm like whoa?! but another creepy thing happened today, my ex-boyfriends mom sent me this clipping of him in the paper and was like just thought you might want to see this clipping about anthony in the navy. e-mail me to keep up and good luck with classes! weird. one, i only met the lady like twice, i didn't even get formally introduced to her. two, how did she get my address?? and three, lady your son and i broke up. let's move on with our lives, shall we? there's something about the taste of sick in your mouth. a sore throat or something, but when i coughed jsut now it reminded me of halloween. strange. but that's probably got something to do with all this crazy stuff in the brain that's going on. man it just boggles me. my roommate is in the shower and i just heard this crash of bottles and she laughed. it reminds me of something i do everyday. i just laughed, she's a really great roommate. just like i have a great family and a great boyfriend. if i make the crew team i think my life will be perfect, even though i know i shouldn't depend it on that. it just seems like a dream. after being depressed for so long it's really nice to be alone and realize that i'm happy. i just have a ton of stuff to be thankful for. sometimes i think about the things i would change about myself and i would definately make myself more grateful, and i would be more prude about kissing. i think kissing is really trivialized and it makes me sad. sometimes i want my life to be like a movie and have incredible kisses that you can just hear the music start up with. slow ones that really communicate something. ones where you're not thinking about how the guy's tongue feels or if he has good breath but all you can think about is how good he makes you feel and how much you like or love him. i think the reason why i used to be depressed was because i wanted everything to be perfect like a movie and slowly i started feeling like my life just didn't stack up. but the truth is is that in the grand scheme of things it's like DAMN! i've not only got two legs, two arms, and 20 fingers, but on top of that i also have the great roommate, great family, and great boyfriend, great friends, a great mind, and not too much sadness. i think people always dramatize things because they don't know what they're looking for in life but they figure that people will suddenly pay attention to them and they'll figure it out. almost anyone wants attention- that's why people try to committ suicide, why people cry, it's the explanation for so much. how weird is that that okasy i lost that thought but i'm still typing. i'm a die hard stream of consiouicness writer, i breeeze buy typos, not a problem for me. but the classic rock is. i'm ready to destroy his speakers i think. music should say stuff- not just be a bunch of noise. music should be stream of consciousness because it would reveal truths in life. isn't that what it's all about? the ttruth? now i sound like my ex-boyfriend who was obsessed with plato and searching for the truth. he invented this kissing thing called the euclidian vacuum. it was way creepy. i want to talk about my cat willy cause i miss him. i miss feeling his little cat body sleeping on me and purring. college students are depressed cause dorms won't let you have pets- that's really why. that and the whole loneliness of sin thing. when it comes to sinning, you try to find other people who have done the same thing as you, but it just ends up making you feel worse knowing that there are other people in the world that mess up like you. i want to have some famous last line here but i think i'll settle for i just looked at the clock and i don't have time! MARSHMALLOWS!

0

1

0

1

1

11

I am in the library right now writing this stream of consciousness. I just had dinner. It was very delicious. I ate at the Kinsolving dormitory food center. The library is really quiet and I can hear the tying on the computer. People are walking in and out and it is a little bit distracting. I can't wait until this week is over. It will be Labor day weekend. I can't believe a holiday is just around the corner. It seems like just yesterday it was summer and I was having fun playing with my friends and hanging out. Over the Labor day weekend, I would love to go back home to Houston and see my family, but I kind of would prefer to just stay here in Austin. There is so much to do here and there is so much freedom. In a way it can be good but I really need to manage my time wisely. Today's psychology was really interesting. I loved the in class experiment that was done. It was pretty cool how the experiment worked especially since the first time was easy to tell when the girl was lying and the second time was really hard. I feel tired right now and I would like to go to sleep, but I know I should get this writing assignment out of the way. I was talking to my brother about computers today. It was fun but hard at the same time since it was over the phone. My mind went blank for a while and I can't think of anything to write. Tomorrow is one of my best friend's birthday. I can't believe she will be one year older. She is a senior in high school right now and I bet she is stressing over college applications like I was during senior year. I hope she gets everything done in time. I remember senior year was really interesting. I had to research a lot with colleges and what I wanted to do with my life especially choosing a major. So far, education is what I want to do. I think it will be fun especially if I decide to work with elementary students. I am feeling really sleepy right now and I can feel my fingers moving more slowly than before. I miss my family. Even though I am used to being away for a month. I know I will begin to miss them so much more in the next couple of months. I hope they are doing well and everything is working out in their lives. I also miss my friends back home especially my church family. I can't believe I am actually going to say this or actually type it but I also miss my pastor. Especially his sermons. As I am here in Austin, I have been church hunting with some friends and the pastor's sermons here are just not the same. I guess I am really used to how he tried to make it apply to our daily lives and tried to really relate to us. Especially since I grew up in that church, I really miss all the good memories I have made there. I can't wait until the weather gets colder here in Austin. I heard last year it snowed for a day in the morning. I really would like to see falling snow. I really love the cold weather and I like to play in the snow. Today's weather was nice. I could feel the cool breeze blowing in my face. There was less sun than usual. Maybe it is supposed to rain who knows. But I can definitely feel a weather change coming soon hopefully. I still can't believe that I am a freshman in college. I thought when I arrived here I would finally believe it but it is really hard to sink in. So far classes have been fun and a little boring at the same time. I try to think positively and try to learn something out of each time I spend in class. I am really worried about the tests and quizzes here at the university. I just don't know what to expect especially since different teachers do different things. I really hope that I will do well in the first semester of college in fact I hope to do well all the years I am in college. I think I've kind of forgotten how to study. After college applications were done and over with and after I knew where I was going to attend college, I kind of stopped studying really really hard for classes. I still studied but just not as hard and not as much as I should have. I feel like taking a shower and going to bed now. My eyes feel they are slowing shutting but I'm trying to keep awake. There are so many people here at the library. I knew there would be a lot of people but it's amazing to see how a lot of people use their time wisely and study and also take the time to do their homework even when there are so many temptations to go out and party. I suddenly feel itchy everywhere. I think a bug bit me. It is really annoying and itchy. This has been the most exciting assignment ever. It will be really weird to look back on what I wrote.

1

1

1

1

1

31

It's funny how people allow themselves to be manipulated by words. I was just reading my Philosophy book, and different philosophers were arguing the pros and cons of legalizing drugs. As I read I found myself being manipulated by words. I had to step back and look at things as a whole to determine my own view on situations. I think many people are victims of the society that we have created. We live in a cutthroat world that is very demanding. People feel pressured to please others above themselves. I believe that this can be dangerous. People too often define success by how much money they have, how many cars they have, and what their resume looks like. Many times we try to obtain success at all costs; even at the cost of our own happiness and well being. Students feel pressure from many sources. Many of those sources are our parents. They feel pressure to be a success in their parents eyes no matter what the costs. Even if the costs includes the well being of their self. This is a sad occurrence. We should be encouraged by our parents. Their is a thin line between encouraging and pressuring. We look for that line and do our best to walk as close to it as possible. Its funny how our state of mind changes from time to time. We go from being majorly stressed out to being very calm. Aristotle believed that we should always surf somewhere in the middle, never getting too high or too low. I think that makes some sense. Every time I get stressed out I have to step back and look at things in perspective. Then I ask myself if this "thing" I'm stress about is really worth it. More times than not it isn't. My question is what is the right way to live. If we never push ourselves we never allow ourselves a chance to grow. If we push ourselves too much we run the risk of becoming depressed. I guess like everything else, it all depends on the circumstances. Some things have a tendency to stick in my head. Movie lines for example. I'm always able to remember with great accuracy. Numbers on the other hand, I don't remember so well. What causes that? Is that a gift or a flaw? I have an identical twin brother and we are total opposites. I remember movie lines and he remembers phone numbers very well. Also, we look nothing alike. Isn't that weird. Every time we meet someone and tell them we're identical twins they never believe us. Maybe the doctor made a mistake and told my mom the wrong thing. Identical twins are cool because we have the same genetic makeup. I guess that takes the individuality away a little, but hey, its just like anything else, we've got to take the good with the bad.

0

0

0

1

1

3

I have just gotten home from a two and a half hour rehearsal for an orchestra that I never wanted to be in. I signed up for this orchestra only because I thought it was on optional group. but now I have been stuck in hour long rehearsals which make me very tired and make me get home late and then I have to do all this work and then I'm tired in the morning and am achy all day long. my left shoulder is killing me right now. it's from playing the violin. I think that I raise that shoulder and so then it hurts for long periods of time. I'm supposed to call jeff in 30 min. I haven't talked to him in over a week and I really miss talking to him. it's strange how I can go months without talking to him and then once I've talked to him, I get these urges to talk to him again. sometimes it seems as if he doesn't want to talk to me, but deep down I know he does. I don't know why I'm writing this in my psychology writing exercise, but it's what is in my head right now so that's what I'm writing. you've got mail is on the television right now. I like that movie, however I just saw it this morning, since every movie is on like twice in our dorm. I like taht. we get to see all these movies whenever we like. but actually it kinda distracts me from doing schoolwork. I really wish I could paint or make art. my roommate is on the floor painting a blue sky and it is beautiful. I really like modern art and she is all into it. our room is very nicely decorated since she is very artistic. I think it's strange how kinsolving put two freshmen, both from the houston area, and both fine arts majors together in a room. I kinda like it. it gives me an access to a ride home whenver she's oging. I've never done these stream of consioucness writings before. I kinda like it, but I'm not used to it. I feel like I'm making no sense what soever. I'm going out with this guy from my high school on friday night. it should be interesting, because we haven't talked all summer long and we used to be best friends. so it might be a little awkward. but I think it will be okay. I'm really tired of writing now and I think it's been 20 minutes. so now I get to stop writing and soon I will be able to call jeff.

1

1

0

1

0

26

I'm now worrying about what to write which is really irrelavant because to the instructions. I am at a loss. When the mind watches itself most of it stands still. But when it stops being vigilant it wanders anywhere and everywhere past, and future. Again I can think of nothing when watching the mind think of something which is very ironic. And again it stops and doesn't go anywhere when I try to see where it is. I hope I don't bomb this paper which I'm not sure how its to be graded. I bet my grammer really sucks, if I can use that word "suck" but I shouldn't worry about my grammar because it doesn't matter according to the instructions yet because of insecurities I still worry about my presentation, any presentation. Now I am talking to my friend and being distracted, but since I reallize it I'm no longer distracted. What else is going through this undeveloped mind of mine, wow, that rhymes, mind and mine, ok, I probably sound really stupid now but am just following instructions. The phone rings, and I think that it may be my mother checking up on me which she already did, but I'm sure would not hesitate to do it again. Room is now quiet with everybody gone, no distractions except for the unknown mind with all of its mysteries. Funny its always with us yet we know next to nothing about it which maybe this class will attempt to shed some light on but I doubt it will do very much good for anyone to decrease thier pains and increase their happiness. Everything in psych. is great but helps no one if it serves no purpose such as increasing the quality of ones life. Philosophy I believe tries to a bit more to do just that but is so abstract and too much of a subject to be studied than to be experienced and learned which doesn't help anyone anyways except to tickle and play with the intellect. Unless a certain form is adapted to the way of living and adopted as the way of thinking will it help those who really seek help. Now I'm a little afraid all that I just wrote is irrelevant to the assignment and will recieve a bad score. Perhaps another manifestation of insecurity. This world today is full of insecurities, fear, though we have everything anyone could want in the West, but yet we lack that which cannot be externaly obtained. How ironic that most of us strive in life but never know what we are striving for, what Steven Cohen calls personal management but lack of personal leadership, direction. Because we seem to have everything we want but are actually lacking we don't know where to direct our constant thirst for happiness and constant aversion of suffering. But the cause of our pains is ignorance, the lack of wisdom, wisdom - understanding but mostly realizing how things really are. Perhaps to this is to philisophical for the assignment. but as thoughts come into my head I write just like the instruction say. Although I can think of no reason for this assignment excpet to observe the mind, but I can not see anything to learn. yeah, maybe the next assignments are also like this, but probably not, wishful thinking. Almost done, just two more minutes and I maybe will continue the other assignments. Our study hall in our dorm really sucks. Its very creepy looking with all sorts of pipes and wires running through the wall. Uh, oh, girl thoughts, probably not appropriate, I don't even know if I spelled that word correctly. My mama told me that mastery over the mind is the highest form of victory anyone can have. It is said that a man may conquer a thousand people and a thousand lands, but it is far better to conquer himself just once.

0

0

0

0

1

1

I keep thinking about the future and how my life will alter during and after college. I wonder how my grades will be after the first term. I hope I can make my parents proud. I don't want my parents to view me as a failure and a screw up I want them to be proud. I want to be accepted by everyone I meet. I want to succed in life. I wonder how my math test will be tomorrow. I just wish that society didn't view people on how much money they make I wish I could go to a place where everyone was the same and there was nothing to worry about maybe the place I'm thinking about is eternal utopia or heaven. I wonder if there is a heaven what happens after death where do we go. do we ever see the "creator" what is the creator is it god or did we evolve through evolution of mico o

0

0

0

0

0

0

Right now, my dad just left and I am feeling homesick and sad. Even though by the time I left home I was so ready to leave, but now seeing him makes me feel really sad. It's not just that I feel sad but I feel guilty to. My dad is so awesome and when I lived at home I never really appreciated him. Sometimes I can be so incredibly selfish and self absorbed. I guess experiences like leaving home are good for us because they help open our eyes and let us see things that we wouldn't ordinarily. At home I was in my own little world which revolved around my school, friends, and family. Now being in Austin with out any of these comforts, I feel much more vulnerable and also naive. Living on the drag can open your eyes more than anything. My dad told me that just yesterday the bank underneath my building got robbed. That kind of stuff freaks me out because I go to that bank constantly and I just never expect anything like that to happen. I really don't understand why people do things like robbing a bank. I guess it's just hard for me to understand how people could feel like they have no other options than to just rob a bank. Although it's probably naive of me to say this, there are so many organizations and programs out there for people which just go so unutilized. I really enjoy working a places like those. I am still consider pledging the APO frat. The only problem is that if I do it's still going to cost me money, even though it's not as much as normal frats. I'm really not sure I can afford that. I spend money so fast up here. I probably need to get a job, but I really don't want to. I think it would be so overwhelming if I was to get a job. It would be a fun way to meet people though. And my managers said that they would be more than willing to get me a job at any of the Austin Macaroni Grill's if I wanted one. I really miss all of my friends from my job. next time I go home I am going to go up there and visit everybody. I am going to visit all of my friends also. I miss them all so much. Last night I called Mandy. It was so good to talk to her again. She is honestly the only person who really understands me. She understands all of this crap that I am going through with Charles. I can not believe that I have been here for 2 weeks and he hasn't called me once. I have no idea what the deal is with him, but if he doesn't want to se me any more then he needs to let me know. Well, time's up.

1

0

1

0

1

21

so yeah. I finally get to the point where I feel like I have some sanity in my life, and back he comes. why did I let him back into my life? I went out last weekend and had the weekend from hell. first the fire alarm, then the game (not too bad), then the car accident (thank God none of us were involved), and finally the other two ambulances in front of Halcyon. why can't just go get a damn cup of tea without the world come crashing down on me (improper grammar, I kmow. so is the punctuation for that matter). so anyway, back to jason. the bane of my existence and the one thing I cannot escape. last night I decide to try an dangerous tactic and back him into a corner just to see what he'd do. (probably should have left that up to the professionals - namely advisor jes who did it with me to get me to pick a concentration, classics or middle east. ) found out it doesn't work as well with relationships - esp. with a guy who has taken over a year to make up his mind and still hasn't really decided anything. talk about making me feel completely worthless. so I say, "you're still a kid. " "I know. " "so grow up, jason. be a man. make a goddamn decision. " "I can't be with you. " why does he always run? my brother did the same thing. what is it about men that when faced with fight of flight emotionally, they ALWAYS run? so unwittingly I cornered myself as well. I realized I can't let this man go, no matter how bad he is for me. I will continually put myself at his mercy, despite the fact that HE was the one who left me this summer. why do I make it so easy for him to come back. is a little bit of fear a healthy thing? he's not afraid to lose me at all! because he KNOWS that I'll never go anywhere. too bad the fool didn't KNOW that I loved him as much as I did. now how do I get that back? I was crying on the windowsill. just one more part of the apartment to be initiated into my life with tears. I was hoping the sill would have been initiated in other ways. he promised to come visit me. this coming weekend was shot to hell thanks to ET. second time that bastard has screwed up my life. so I make him promise me the weekend after. only thing is that I had plans to celebrate my birthday with my friends that weekend. football game + club = fun night. now he's coming, hopefully. but yet more plans put aside for him. he would say, "but I never asked you to do that," or, "you're the one that wants me to come. " why doesn't he get that I hate living like this, and it's HIS torture that makes me have to put my life aside? so now what do I do? I call him all day, playing phone tag, hating the hell I'm in. but I keep my composure. if anything I've learned in this last year of hell it's how to keep my composure. not enitirely sure what good that does me. damn this keyboard is spongy. wish it had that new full size one that has flat keys like a laptop. should make it much easier on the CTS. so what was I thinking? oh yeah, phone tag. I finally get to talk to him while I'm in the bathroom (wow does that gross him out) and I ask him if we can just pretend last night didn't happen. and he tells me I'm paranoid. fool, you told me you couln't be with me and I'm not supposed to be paranoid? WTF?! geez, I write a lot in 15 mins. this picture above the computer in the lab is. interesting, not really pretty. poor taste in art these people. so then he starts falling asleep, as ususal, and the conversation dies. and each time I try to resurrect the thing to achieve some sort of closure, I feel like part of me dies too. how many buckets my tears would fill over this past year I could not count. I'm so tired of crying. it's frightening that sometimes it's the only thing that makes anything better. and even more scary that I cry just to get a response out of him because he DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING!!! the silence is pure torture and he must know it. but nothing ever changes. do I sound like I have abused spouse syndrome? emotionally abused. tortured. dead. I wonder what these girls would think if they read over my shoulder. what would sameera say/do if she knew I was putting myself through hell again for this man? time almost up. thanks for the opportunity for the release. 5 4 3 2 1 done.

1

0

0

0

1

17

Relax, formation of thoughts energies retentions obsessions. dreams are an internal future, awake, shake dreams from you hair my prteey child, my sweet one. I hate the doors, overrated. haha. no time for mourning no time for myself, ah no time. I have fingers, delicate pulse wandering after to and thorugh away from the day. think about money take time for god, thats funny god. you prankster you. they are watching, everyone and everything is watching us wait, scream, die. take a life and flush it down, need to blow my nose, dont't have time. portability, portishead, pause, leters, phrases, extenuationg circumstances. ending crashing into denial. green shirt, fuzzy vision, orange face, ugly decision. computer labs, laptops, screens, sucking, good or bad? I sthe computeer alive, does it feel, how does it know, so much more thatn you and I/ back slash, back flash how did I get here. laet me out of here i need help. don't read the past, just keep on truckin. someone should really rethink the design of a keyboard. Heonstly, who made these things? I wish I could write with a pen, Ir doesn't even feel like I am writeng, more like I am manipulating, words are simply appearing before me with strokes on stupid square buttons and blah. I need a lead pencil and some one hundred percent recycled paper, yes. jobs, havoe none. arms, mobing, my brain is telling them to do these things, but my brain operates on cruise contrl for the most part. I have a special softaware program gong on in my own personal computer, if you know what I mean. hehe. music is my love, I don't need men anymore, all Ineed is somethign soothing in my ear, and maybe a kiss on the cheek. wow, I really am pathetic, dearest me o me o my. jump around tinker toy thought to thought, mind wave and magistrate. optiplex, I always needed one of those. stupid dell. are artists really happy? I wonder, they must be right? how could they not be, seems most fulfilling. jsut laying yourself out on a canvas, ina pot, ona wall, ina shape, object, form, song, so on and so forth. yadda yadda, bulgaven. electric, electronica, ecstacy, love, adoration, wants and needs, I need attention, I am the first to admit it, I crave desire and love, as I should. who needs tacos? I'll have one please take it down, my one, be thine own creation. love yourself, be intoxicating. That has got to be the number one compliment. Imagine if someone says to you , you aer intoxicating good lord. must be nice. u are not alone, I need to get out. make space, show reason, study, create, imagine, juxtaposition of arms and legs, entangle a bodies own desire, the fetus cried last night, opt for internal discussion on top of the moon's clocktower, beings of all size, noble vixens and vultures, float and hum a sweet, sad song of remonition

1

1

0

0

0

24

So here are twenty minutes of Brian's thoughts. As I sit here, I am dumbfounded by the ignorance of humans. Today I talked to a coworker about religion. He found out that I'm agnostic and proceeded to proselytize. I can respect this, because his religion dictates that people who don't accept Jesus Christ will go to hell. But at the same time, I poked several holes in the Christian philosophy and in the Bible. He wasn't able to counter my arguments, and he responded only by saying that he has faith. This epitomizes human ignorance. I have faith the chair I'm sitting in now will not collapse and harm me. This faith is based on my past experiences with chairs and with seeing things that turn out to, in fact, exist. Yet he claims he has "faith" in a god that nobody on this planet can prove they've seen. I can just as well assert via faith that there is a Pink Elephant on the other side of the moon that we'll never see. I've never seen this elephant, but I KNOW it's there. I have faith. It speaks to me through the Elephant Spirit. What the fuck is that all about? How can someone bastardize his or her beliefs to knowledge like this?? It is incomprehensible to me. I realize that people have a deepseated need for absolutes. Nobody wants to think our planet is a lonely hunk of dirt floating in space, so instead we conjure up deities that give our lives and our very existence meaning. Never mind that there is absolutely no reason to believe we are correct save a book compiled thousands of years ago based on events hundred or thousands of years before that! Who needs logic and reason anyway? And it never ceases to amaze me that some scientists still embrace religion! It scares me how easy it is for them to walk away from work and into church and never mingle the two because they're so incompatible. It makes me truly sad that people can be so stupid. Thankfully our society is progressing further and further away from religion, albeit at a crawling pace. And even so, rather than shedding this relic of our intellectual infancy we simply mold the religion (absolute truth, mind you) to fit our current society and way of life. I'm dumbfounded. It also amazes me how closedminded people can be. I'm gay. Big deal. Yet many people (though a few proportion in Austin) perceive me as evil for it. My actions are vile and disgusting to them. Never mind the fact that homosexual activity occurs in nature, though not as frequently as heterosexual behavior. And don't even touch upon the fact that there is no logical, reasonable justification for opposing homosexuality. People have all these notions that homosexuals are pedophiles or that we try to "recruit. " At the risk of sounding pessimistic in my writing and thoughts, I can't believe how moronic our society is, on average. We even have Al Gore in the news saying he opposes samesex marriage based on religious reasons. (Hmm, are my two pet peeves of the day related? Of course!) J. And so I'm left sitting here, wondering how people can be so stupid as to embrace Christianity and oppose homosexuality. Ugh. THESE are the times that try men's (and women's) souls! Which brings up another point. I'm so annoyed at how misogynistic our society is. The craze in the past decade has been political correctness, and conservatives are sick of it. But things haven't changed nearly as much as people think. I still sit through lectures where the professor refers to every character described (a banker, an investor, a CEO) as he. he. he. I can't stand it. But perhaps it's not so much that these professors are bigoted to some degree. Perhaps they're simply trying to convey the way the world really is! Because women don't have anywhere near an equitable stake in society. In finance we were shown some subcommittees of the boards of directors of Procter and Gamble and Home Depot, Inc. Out of some two dozen positions between the two companies ONE PERSON was a woman! I can't stand it. I feel like I'm a bastion of fairness and equity and reason in a sea of stupid people! (Keep in mind, I'm not this pessimistic in my day to day activities, perhaps just in my mind. Hehe. ) And, not that I'm trying necessarily to relate it to our class, this is all psychology! It's probably evolutionary psychology more than anything. With regard to religion, as survival machines for our genes, we'd like to believe we will continue indefinitely. This manifests itself in various religions that promise us eternal life. And we'd like to believe that our existence isn't arbitrary, so we conjure up a god who gives us meaning, ignoring the myriad moral and logical problems this presents. With homosexuality. gay people don't reproduce if they fully express their sexuality. Of course not all do, which is why homosexuality could persist in the population as long as it has. And so on some level I'm sure we're afraid that if we accept homosexuality, more people will "choose" to be homosexual. Then the species will die out! Oh no! (I know per Richard Dawkins that evolutionary psychology operates on a genetic level, not a societal level, but you see my point. ) Anyway, I suppose that's my time for this week. Tune in again next week for more ramblings from Brian's ultraliberal mind.

0

0

1

0

1

5

At this exact moment I am wondering how long this twenty minutes is going to last because I am going to falll asleep soon and I have a lot of things to do. I wish I could be doing this on my own computer, but the stupid thing wont work, I think I am computer illiterate. I have had e-mail sitting there since june and I can't get into it. It is killing me that I'm not able to talk with all of my friends that went away for college. I shouldn't have waited to do this assignment until now because I need to finish getting my stuff together to go back to ny dorm room. I am really glad that I was able to get away from her for a day, I always have the worst luck and got an incompatible roommate, but I would rather not have come home. The food is better but my parents are constantly bothering me. I need to check my messages in my room,I bet there are going to be at least ten, and half of them are going to be from Ben, my ex-boyfriend. Not going to waste my time on him anymore-- why do people cheat on each other, I woant ever understand that. And what makes him think that just by sayng I Love You htat I am just going to forget everything. Forget hijm, at least I have met someone new that I can tlak to heis so sweet and all but I think I should call it off, nothing ever works for me and I ned to concentrate more on my shcool work. I don't know what to do about guys. I need to meet some more girls to hang out with, but the only ones I see are all snoby sorority girls a nd that just isn't me at all. Kyle is such a sweet guy and all but should I tell him htat I need to slow down and work on my shcool or should I just let things go and see what happens. I'm scared to just go with the flow, I really like this guy a lot and the last time I felt this way I got hurt and that pain is still here. Everytimt Ben calls I get a happy feeling inside until I think of kyle and how he is here now and how Ben messed up when he screwed me over. My mom is yelling at me again I wonder what I did now. Icould be nothing but it will still be my fault for some reason I swear that if I ever heard my parents compliment me or say that they were proud of my I would probably have a heart attack right then and there. I wish I wasnt such a dissapointment I have never done anything right and if I don't get a 4. 0 gpa they are going to lay it on me because if my sister can do it, and play volley-ball at ut then I should be able to just sit there and study constently and maybe one day live up to her. My feelings for Ben and Kyle are so mumble-jumbled in my brain right now that it is starting to hurt from thinking about it all the time. Well what a surprise my mom is coming to yell at me as much as I am used to it the tears still come very easily.

0

0

0

0

0

0

Hello, I don't know why I feel that I have to greet you, but I do. and I don't know who "you" are, because I have never tried to communicate with myself. that is so strange to me because I should know me well, because I am me. So. a stream of conciousness, eh? lets begin with the first thing I look at: the keyboard. it is black, and the lettering is in white, capital letters. I know each of these letters by sound, and sight. how did I learn these? with out them I wouldn't even be here doing this. now I am hearing things. people all around me logging onto their computers just typing away, researching away. now a man is asking a question to one of the information people here. I don't know who they are, like how to adress them, that is. but they are here to help. and for some reason that makes me feel at ease. at ease from what? I don't know . I guess the world is enough to make my being feel uneasy. my existence in this world makes me feel like I need to be recognized, sensed, felt, heard, or loved. isn't that strange? why do I need to feel this way? I don't know. but that's how I feel. moving on- what is another sense? I've gone over what I am looking at, what I am hearing and what I am feeling. but feeling in an emotional sense, not physical. I could have said I am feeling the contact between my fingers and the keyboard, but instead I chose to elaborate on my internal emotions, and that is not one of the five senses. isn't that strange? so that covers three out of five. what am I tasting right now? well, I don't know how to answer that. I don't know how to describe the taste of my mouth. and even if I was still eating, how could I explain the taste of a hot dog or fries or a banana? the only thing I could say is that "my mouth tastes like hot dog, fries and banana. " but that isn't necessarily what it really does taste like right now. now it tastes like nothingness, I suppose. what does nothingness taste like? I could ramble off synonyms, such as void or empty space even. but that doesn't mean anything untill a person consciously experiences it. right? like when a person learns what strawberry tastes like. there is no possible way to explain exactly the flavor of a strawberry. mmmm strawberries are delicious. that's all I would be able to say. and now I am actually CRAVING a strwberry! even me typing the word, and the big capital way that I spelled "craving" makes me want it even more. I am now trying to take my mind off of the mouthwatering fruit so that I can finish the last three minutes or so of this paper before I leave to go get some strawberries. it is a pretty strong urge for me to leave now but I have discipline. and that is what makes me different from everyone else. I have discipline. I won't leave now because my grade is so important to me. and its paying off, you know why? because I only have 30 more seconds to go!!! I am very happy now at the hought that I don't have to type any

1

1

0

0

1

25

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life" is what I remember my parents saying to me at graduation two years ago. Back then, I was having some serious problems and nobody, including myself, knew what to do. But now, after that wild madness of that first semester in 1999 all has seemed to calm down. I don't know what it was that did it. Perhaps it was that one acid trip that I took at last year's Phish concert. Man, its annoying when that red line pops up under misspelled or misrecognizied words. Makes you feel selfcritical. I don't know how I feel now. Ever since this year began, I've been a little more tired than usual. But, I've been a little stressed out, too. Not about classes; naw, they all seem to be just fine. Enjoyable, too. Having sex with that girl Sue was a bad move, though. First of all, she's kind of nuts. I know she's lonely, too. Must be tough coming all the way from California here, but at least her family's from Texas. She's fucked up, though, because she's searching for something outside of herself that's impossible to find: security and peace of mind. It's impossible to really, really find those two things in this world I think. I mean, security's a joke; there are so many factors that we never think about in our daily lives that kind of jab at our illusions. All those things like high paying jobs, retirement funds, etc. are all about security. Personally, I think it's all a bunch of bullshit, but, then again, I'm not an old man nor do I have a family to support. I hope this girl doesn't get racked up. I'm pissed because she told me that she was on birth control, but that was a lie. And, I know that if I'd gotten some loving in the last three years I wouldn't have done it. I used her and I feel rotten for it. But, her desire for something to hold on to and peace of mind are making her irrational, I fear. Somehow, she identifies these two things with me. Don't really know why, because I never really thought of myself in those two ways realistically, but I never said there was anything rational to her thoughts. Man, I hate complaining, but I got to say that I've had some bad luck with women these last few times. First there was Lexi. I'm not really sure what was going on between the two of us, but I'm sure I loved her in some way. Can't speak from her end of the line, though. The problem was just that towards the end of last year when we were on the rocks, I was starting to go mad, and it's hard to handle a distant woman and insanity at the same time. That's kind of a lame excuse, but what else can I say? I haven't really gotten that far yet, though Lord knows I've tried. I was thinking the other day about whether or not I fear women overall. Well, I sure like to talk and think about them a lot. My mom was always such a hard ass on me growing up. I know she loved me a lot, although I hate to admit it, and I guess that's why she was. Or, maybe it was because of her upbringing. Anyway, nonetheless, I've been afraid of her forever and I'm ashamed because I think it fucks up my deal with other women and I really have a hard time deciding if I love her or not. I know it's my "duty" or whatever that means, but do I really? Of course I do on some level, but, man, I always get all tearyeyed when I even start thinking about it. That's another thing: I haven't been able to cry in a good, long while. Oh well, c'est la vie. My friend Elizabeth comes to mind now. I wonder how she's doing up there in NY. We have a really weird relationship, and it really hurt when I learned that she liked Matt for a long time. Guess I always had a little something for her. That was a great time up at the Doubletree last Christmas, though, I will say. Mr. A footing the entire bill, too. I guess Townes Van Zandt does have it right when he said, "We all got holes to fill, and them holes are all that's real. " Last night, I learned about some of Manny's holes concerning his father. He sure has been acting differently lately, though. It must be tough, but I don't know how to handle it. Maybe it's just best to let him be for a while. I kind of liked that Emily girl I met last night as well. I guess that statistic that says that men think about sex/women every 30 sec or so is right; the majority of this writing's about them. Or, maybe I just have some complex or something. Probably a combo of the two. I don't know what to think about God these days. I sure have been praying a lot to Him lately, though, over this Sue pregnancy thing. God, I hope that works out for me. I know it's selfish, but, man, You've got to understand. I truly am sorry, and I'll never have sex with another girl again on a onenighter. Lord, hear my prayer. Amen. Our society's kind of funny these days. If there is a man upstairs, I hope he's having a good time. It's amazing how fucked up stuff can get down here, though. After high school, I mean. Sometimes it's hard to be a man, and a woman I'm sure. I wonder who's got it worse. "Sucede que me canso de ser hombre. " It just so happens I'm tired of being a man, says Octavio Paz. I guess we all feel like that sometimes. Well, I guess my 20 minutes is up, but I do like this. Maybe we'll talk again sometime. See you, man. Take care and good luck.

1

1

1

1

0

30

So this is my first writing assignent for college. I keep forgetting that I am actually in school, and not on vacation of some sort. I just got out of bad and am havign a lot of feelings right now, all about non-important things, like boys. I am mad I lost my earing last night, mad that i still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend in a way, and mad that I don't know what to do about people here. It is just a totally different experience then anything else and I wonder when I will get used to it. I think i also need to learn how to type better and use punctuation! IMs never need punctuation or capitilization. or even correct spelling. Roommate is still gone, staying with her boyfriend, and its ok because i like him better now. Before I thought he was boring adn not as nice as David, but he is quite goofy and is always nice to em, though soemtimes I get the feeling its because he feels that I am a dork who just goes wherever Jerry goes. People kept telling us that rooming together would be a problem, but so far we have only had issues once, right before school started when we were spending way too much time together, and that was not good. That one night she left to stay at Steven's and walked out saying, have fun, made me want to punch her, because obviously I was just going ot be hanging out in the room, alone. Now that I am meeting people on my own out of the group , its much easier to do things and feel like I have a life. I still need to meet more people in my hall, and in classes, but most of them are so big that just being there I feel like not really participating. Going to the lake on labor day was quite an adventure, and one I am glad I had without Jerry. and jumping off the cliff was one of the coolest things i have done in a while. It also made me glad that no other girls went off the 50 foot cliff. I like doing things that girls normally don't do in these group situations, like the firebreathing and the shotgunning a beer. . but having done it once, I don't need to do that again. but I stil almost beat that guy when we did it, hehe. I don't understand why people drink beer- it tastes horrible and I have heard that after about 2, you don't taste it anymore. . but that means you have to drink 2 of them and then you must be getting pretty mindless to keep drinking somthing you don't like in the first place. Then it seems more like somthing people do to be cool , or whatever else people think they need to do. I have seen less of that in college. people seem more laid back in general about all sorts of things, but then again, there are still sorority girl types out there. I can't get over my dislike of the idea of sororities, probably because I don't know many girls well who are in them. I have been mostly meeting the guys in Steven's fraternity, and they are all nice, and not all mindless drinkers (mostly c. s. majors or engineers) and I am gald that i got to meet them all. . but they are all older then me. I used to love to tell people how young I actually was because they were always shocked, saying things like, oh, you don't look/ act however old I was at the time. My birthday was just over 2 weeks ago, and that sort of blows my mind because of all the things that have happened so far. Its like every phase of my life is separate from everything else that has happened in my life. its hard to even think of middle school anymore, and even freshman year of high school seems like someone elses life. Its also hard to belive that everything with Jason just happened last month, that we broke up in August and now its just September, barely, but it still feels like forever since it happened. OH CRAP. the phone just rang and it was some one asking me to go to the co-op with her- yeah! no more looser-dom! But then somehow I hit somthing that made the site go away and now that I'm back ,the timer has started all over again. Well, I think I have about 10 more minutes. So, all I have accomplished today was sleeping until noon, which has to be my sleep limit, I NEVER used to do that. and now I guess I will go to the co-op to return a book and hang out with Yashoda, and then. I guess I have to get ready for my date , I guess thats what it is. I am not looking forward to it anymore after last night, I don't know were we are going or even if I want to go anymore. So yesterday Jerry was telling me about her comparitive values seminar, and how they had to come to class with somthing to share that they were absolutely certain about, somthing not-ohysical that they could prove. jerry said that I am me , and that seems certain enough to me. . but another girl said that she is a woman, and they just picked that apart in class because really, how can you be certain of that? I think the point of that class is to weird you out and show you that nothing is certain. . so as if you werent already clueless enough at this point in your life, now you have some class where they tell you nothing is for sure. Besides physical things, what makes me a woman? The way I act? Why do I act the way I do? Those questions could go on forever with no answer, but it really made me think about the whole gender thing. Possibly I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body? Oh, the lady in the cafeteria-place today called me sir . I can't believe that happened, she said she couldnt see me around the sign or sneeze guard or whatever was there in front of her but. she called me sir! Brings back not-good thoughts of Jordan thinking it was funny to call me butch and Dawn telling me that I am just one of the guys . yah, maybe some gender issues here. I am a woman! Even if its not totally certain according to all this deep philosophy stuff, I AM a woman, and I happen to like boys, and I am pretty sure I don't resemble a guy (even with my upper-body buff-ness from swim team) but it is still a sore topic for me. It doesnt help that I am tall. oh! another phone call. I think my time should be up but the timer is all off, so I will say that this is 20 minutes and that is that!

1

1

1

1

0

30

Am not in the best of moods right now. I have something bothering me at this time. But I take my mind of my problems by thinking of happier times or doing my homework. I am worried about some really personal problem which is killing me inside. However, life goes on. Am good now, or at least not feeling so down. This is my first homework am doing ever since the weekend. Sounds really bad, but I console myself by having it in my mind that, am better off than many others. AT this very moment Am listening to music while typing. I really like music, it gives me a peace of mind, makeing me feel better. And it always reminds me that, life is what you make of it. If you make it sad, your life is going to be sad and vice versa. I always try to think positively, that helps the mind grow. I decided to do my assignment now, because I was feeling down ever since last night, and because this is all the time I will have. So if I don't do it now, I`ll probably not have sufficient time. Guess what! Life in college is very stressing, so I always try to keep a huge distance from the college stress. I always thought that I was too young to get stressed out but now its happening to me. But hey, life must go on, so I am trying to make the best of it, even in times of stress. I like my life right now, I really don't regret doing any of the wrong things in my past because, I know that they all came a long way to make me a better person, what I am today is a result of my ups and downs so far in my life. I don`t type that very well, so there will be I hope not too many errors. Life is one of the best things we have. We can and should always try to make an impact in the lifes of others- a GOOD impact.

1

0

1

0

1

21

What does the drug ecstasy do to the brain? I have been very curious about this for some time now. Maybe you could tell us what studies have concluded about this drug. The reason why I am so curious is because many of my friends have recently discovered and become enchanted with it. In fact, in about the middle of the second semester of my senior year in high school, it became almost like an ecstasy epidemic! Several of my friends have done it up to 11 or 12 times already! I haven't tried it since I refuse to do drugs but I'm really interested to find out what its long term effects are and why it produces the reaction that it does. Apparently, when on ecstasy, it feels as if nothing can go wrong and everything is perfect. Music is everything and once listening, someone who is rolling (the term used to define the feeling one gets after taking X) can't pull away. Also, they say they feel as if they have "lungs of steel" in that they are constantly smoking cigarettes and feel as if they can't stop. Oh, and the mouth chewing. Why does that happen? Their mouths jitter while they're rolling and after the drug wears off, their mouths hurt or feel sore. That's why you can tell when someone is rolling at a party. Well, first of all they're sweating profusely and also they're chewing lots and lots of gum! Its crazy actually. I went to a rave with my friends last Saturday. It was at Austin Music Hall. At least 70% of the people attending the rave was rolling on X. Well, essentially, that's what rave's are for. Its a closed space with djs who spin techno and trance music for a huge group of people, the majority of whom is Xing like crazy! Anyway, my friends had a blast there. of course they were rolling. I had fun too, but not nearly as much I imagine! In fact, it was 3:30 in the morning, we had been dancing for at least 4 hours straight, and one of my friends refused to leave because he was rolling so hard and not remotely tired. Doesn't this sound crazy? What does the drug do to people? Have any severe, longlasting consequences been discovered for sure. I've been told several theories, some of which include the brain bleeding, there being permanent damage on the spine, memory loss, and brain cells being killed. Sounds like some dangerous stuff these people are playing around with. If it weren't an illegal drug, I'd definitely try it (provided it didn't totally screw me up in the future!) considering how wonderful everyone tells me it is. And not just word of mouth. I've seen people on it countless times. They look as if they could die happy right then and there! I don't know if you're planning on discussing anything like this in class but I'm really interested in finding out more about X. Just out of curiosity! Well, I think I'd like to talk about something remotely related. One of the guys whom I'm talking about, in fact, he's in this class with me, is named J. I went to high school with him but we were never friends. We hung out at the same parties with the same group of people generally, but we barely even talked to each other. Well he and his friend are living at Towers together and since we're all down here together we've been hanging out a lot. A whole lot, in fact. And I wasn't really planning on anything happening between us but the night of the rave, a lot of people stayed the night at their place, including me, and we kind of "hooked up. " Now, ever since then, we've kind of been messing around well, nothing much. The thing is, we haven't mentioned it to each other at all. We keep doing it but don't discuss it. So I'm not sure what the deal is. I think I like him. well, actually, yes I do like him. The problem is. does he like me? I can't tell either way. I mean, he's a guy so just the fact that he keeps fooling around with me doesn't mean much. He could hate my guts for all I know and still be doing what he's doing just to get some! That would really suck. And I don't want to ask him because, well for one, I wouldn't know what to say. And for two, I'm scared of the answer. That would just be awful if I spill my guts and he totally cops out. And what's worse is if that happens, not only are we in this class together, but we have to go to the same school for the next four years! What should I do? I don't know. I hope something happens soon that'll figure this out for me well, something GOOD that is! I've written a lot more than twenty minutes so I should probably go now. I guess this wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Whew!

1

0

1

1

1

23

well i am not exactly sure what i should be writing about but i guess it have no choice. i am noticing that my room is overly cluttered, that the tv is on and that my neighbors dog is barking i feel kind of warm althought that isnt totally weird i usaully am warm in this place. i have to be at work by 530 and i hope i can make it. i don't really like working there anymore because it is usually very stressfull, all the snobby rich people and the terrible managment, no my foot hurts probably because i have been placing my weight under it, tomorrow i don't have to work so i guess i can work out, i do like to work out its more the act of dealing with all the people in my way that i don't like. i don't like waiting. i hate when someone is just sitting on a machine or talking and isnt doing anything wastes my time. i also don't like it much when people talk to me in the gym, takes me away from what i am there to do. the semester has just started and i already feel a little pressure from all the upcoming events, the reading , the studying, the homework. sometimes i wonder why i am here, i start to think that maybe i am wasting my time when i have no idea what i am doing with my career, should i have known before i got to college? i don't think so, thats what its all about, learning about yourself, finding out who you really are. wow only 4 minutes have gone by. this is going to be a long assignment, i wonder how long eveyone elses assignments were. i am sure they were longer, seems like i never write enough or my writing is too vague. however last semester in government i did very well in my writing assingments. i tend to do better in the analytical process then i do in the creative process or at least thats how it seems to me, however some times i do have a very clever idea or unique way of looking at a porblem that enables me to break through. it usually invloves some one telling me i can't do something. that usually kicks my brain into over drive, i usually never tell myself i can't do it, just that i havent figured out how to yet. that makes it easier for me to look at that problem. this may sound retarted but when i was in highschool and my parents started locking the liqour cabinet, i remember looking at it and thinking wow how am i going to get around that. i don't see a problem as a barrier, but a wall to climb, so i took out the drawer on the top of the cabinet and reached my hand inside and pulled out whatever i needed, it sounds terrible but it was a very good solution to the problem of how to get the tequila out of the locked cabinet. sometimes i wonder what i would be able to do with harder real problems. i like thinking that i can defy others imagination, makes me feel like i am a little more clever than they have imagained. i always enjoyed upsetting peoples ideas of myself. or breaking stereotypes but putting my self into a place to be judged in that given stereotype, like when i shaved my head, i am in no way a skin head and i adopt none of their ideals or beliefs but i enjoy seeing the look of surprise on someones face when i can have a complex conversation on engineering concepts or hamurabi, or some eastern philosophy. its the initial look of dawning comprehension that i live for. like when i hide things from some one i want them to figure out where it is, just so i can see that burst of intelligence into their thought process that enlightens them to the location of their shoe, or where there keys are. even better then that is to have them have that dawning but then when they reach for their shoe it isnt their shoe, the sudden seize of thought is also as rewarding. or seeing if you can predict some ones actions but predict two steps forward so that when they realize you have predicted their action and begin to change you have predicted their realization of you predicting. the one thing i love of about the human body is its ability to change, to become something different then what it start out as, but in the end we are all the same, nothing more than complex organic molecules and one could argue that we really arent that complex just resilient. i want to make the human machine better, smarter, faster, stronger, but is it possible to perfect millions of years of constant evolution? who knows, maybe the next step will be to fuse mental ability with a better creature, something that man creates in his own image, we could build on the millions of years it took humans to become what we are. and in turn we could make the next level of human evolution, but this might threaten the entire order of things, we would no longer be the top of the food chain. and these altered beings would they be good or would they use their abilites for selfish purposes. i think that if i was some how better than everyone else then i would use my abilities for good, but isnt that asking alot of some one? what if they want to be self serving, just because they have these incredible gifts should they be forced to serve. Tis better to rule in hell then to serve in heaven. what would the world be like if everyone only looked out for themselves, we wouldnt have any firemean any policemen, no one would help others, or at least not without some sort of compensation. i enjoy doing something for someone when i don't expect to recieve anything in return, makes you feel better about yourself, and if they do give you something then it makes you feel 100% better then before, its not what you do but who you do it for i would rather do something great for someone else then to do something great for myself

1

0

1

1

1

23

I don't know if I can keep up a stream of consciousness , maybe a trickle, but not a stream. Keeping my mind on one thing is kind of difficult these days, but I'm going to give it a shot for the sake of it. I guess, I'll just start rambling, I hate this commercial, Geiko is so irritating. I can't stand those talking animal -up front . spokespeople Why do they have to do that? It's got to be degrading to any gecko watching, that awful accent. . ugh. You know what else isn't fair. . asking if the class is hungry. Of course they'll be hungary. That's like saying, don't wiggle your toes!!! Won't happen. I know, because I had an algebra teacher in middle school who liked to do things like that. Don't move your toes, can't you feel the sweat in between them? Or even better: imagine your gym teacher in a bunny suit hopping backward around the track. Bad mental pictures I tell you. That's the problem with an active imagination. Mental pictures galore! I've got to find the picture for everything, and I mean everything! Can't get away from any of the mental pictures. I wonder if it's allowed for me to turn off the TV, it's not as much fun when you can't look at it. This background noise is not working for me, I'll type with one hand,truning down volume. . . . . much better. Oh wow, only 6 minutes in. It's like I'm putting myself on the spot here. Purposefully rambling. Doesn't that go against one of the major social filters in place? A rambler is annoying. This is very difficult because we're trained not to ramble on, and here we are having to skew the system and just flow . Ugh, continuing on, today was a good day. They've all been good ones lately. Going back to school after being gone for a year has really made me appreciate the university more. I've had such a renewed optimism lately, which is good because I usually have that cynical person out front for everyone to see. But I guess it's time to try something new and go for the gusto, grab life by the horns, see the light at the end of the tunnel, as it were. It's like the beginning of every semester is a new chance to start over. I like that, and Lord only know that I've been needing a jumping off point for a new start. This is it I guess. And what better way to start anew, than with a stream of consciousness?!? Maybee I'll learn something about myself from this thing. It'll be interesting either way, won't it? Why is it that you never get an itch until you start doing something that you're not supposed to stop? Good ol' Uncle Murphy. He's been really messing with me today. The bus won't come unless I've lit a cigarette, I won't get hit up by petitioners until after I've withdrawn money, all day long it's been this way (wow, that sounded like yoda. Tired, I am) Nothing like a little Yoda reference to set everything straight. Ok, blank mind, what do I do , la la la la la la la la la la la What should I have for dinner tonight? I don't want to cook, I'll think of something, and if not cereal is always an option. How about that KIN test tomorrow morning? I hope I do well on it. Correspondence classes are such a pain if the testing sites aren't convienient. Why isn't the UT DEC testing center on campus? Why does it have to be on Lake Austin BLVD? I don't want to have to go to Lake Austin Blvd at 8 in the morning to take a test. It's ridiculous!! What were they thinking? I guess I'm just ready for something to be easy for once, for things to fall into place. For the past 2 years it's been nothing but aggrevation and frustration and all of the other things that essentially mean the same thing but with many subtle variations. I'm so tired of having to worry about what horrendous thing is coming around the corner. I can deal with the regular things just fine, but the slaps in the face are just GRRRR, I hate 'em, life is not supposed to be so difficult, it's not supposed to be easy, but it has been ridiculous. . though I do think think things are turning around. Time's up, got a cramp in the back of my right hand and, boy is it hot in here! Time to go.

1

0

1

0

0

20

what is the purpose of this? where is Jackie? oh yea, asleep. I love that girl but she is driving me nuts with the pressure. oh well, who cares. I love my dog Hershey. why wasn't she excited to see me when I came home today. what else should I say --stream of consciousness--bull shit. I am never fully conscious. why is banc one spelt with a c? I need to put some lotion on my hands. Jackie sure did miss me. she is a great girl. I need another t shirt. going back to school on Sunday. lots of homework this weekend. calculus is going to kill me. I am going to need a lot of outside help. a lot. Pennebaker, what origin is that? psychotics. why do serial killers behave the way they do? will I learn that? I guess I should check the syllabus. jack would want this whole stream to be about her. she always gets what she wants because I spoil her. she is so beautiful. my momma knows me so well. she is a great woman. I wish my dad would get a job but not travel because my mom will be really lonely. that is no good. I kind of want to worry about sentence structure and grammar but I am trying not to. this is a really unique exercise. I have a really scattered brain. I can't concentrate on anything. I have a worse attention spell than dustin bell or even mark that fucking bastard. if he ever tries to get jack again I'll kill him. she is my angel. she sure did miss me more than I did her. I guess that is because I am to bogged down with other things, ie: psychology and this wacko assignment. Pennebaker. I would like to pin a baker to the wall and beat him like raw meat until the blood from his ecoli filled body puddled around me. that was pretty sick. I think about shit like that all the time. why? am I weird for that? I guess I just have as screw loose. not like david does though. Jesus, talk about chemical imbalance. that fucker has some serious problems. ever since the mushroom incident I haven't looked at him the same. crazy guy. and his mom is such a bitch, and his alcoholic dad, and his pot head brother. with his mom dying I hope he's all right. poor guy. its a shame he doesn't care. Dave is some one that dr. / Pennebaker auto to analyze. you'll find some unique stuff in that crazy bastard. wow, what a nut. why are the keys on the keyboard organized the way that they are? some one is an idiot, but it all works out pretty well. will is a nice guy, but I don't want to go to his church groups. I feel guilty for leading him on. maybe I'll go once but that will only make the problem worse. immigrants are bastards. especially Mexicans. I don't want Texas to have more brownies than whites. that will suck. our native tongue will be worthless and the school systems will go to crap because English as a second language will be in the core curriculum. screw that. speaking of screwing, I wouldn't mind getting laid right about now. to bad Jackie is on her period. I would definitely like to get laid. I guess I can crank off later, but it is no where near as good. maybe I can get a blowjob this weekend since I did come in unexpectedly. I'm so nice. I still haven't figured out exactly why I cam in. just a few more minutes to go. I'm really kind of enjoying this. thoughts on paper. that is how things get accomplished, no? well going to college is pretty crazy and at the same time pretty boring. a lot of good looking women in dobie. everyone in jester is but ass ugly. I guess it is good that I am not always surrounded by hot chicks so that I can stay faithful to Jackie as long as I want to. I don't know what is going on inside of this crazy head of mine. who really cares? I guess the psychologists do. well, time is up. I guess I'll do this again in a few days. alright, later

1

1

1

0

0

28

Well here i sit at college and Its kind of weird. IN the next room there is music playing which I like. It makes me excited to go to a concert. , i remember the last concer that I went to. It was in good ole Tennesee, and I was Occumpanied by my cousin. Now she is quite a character and at the time she was attending Memphis University. She now lives in Hawaii, what a tough life. My room is surprisingly clean today, which is surprising. I always imagined that college would be a messy room with clutter everywhere. Actually it is quite organized. I have never considered myself an oraganized person, but as I have grown older I have realized that indeed I do enjoy some sense of organization. My roomate is telling a prettye funny story in the next room, and it leads me to thinking of all of the stories that I have. Coming from Midland, it was quite enjoyable to hear that my teacher was indeed from Midland. A friend away from home you could say. My connection in the bussiness. . haha, I didnt always live there though, I came from the next town and it was quite a change moving there too. Im not sure how it all compares to moving to college, but I do remember that it was right before I entered High school and it was still a major adjustment. I went home this weekend and watched my old football team play. My high school that is. Now we have had a winning tradition over the past few years that included a state championship and playoff trips every year. That is beside the point now, because i witnessed a beating worse than I could have imagined on that friday night. Nothing could go right. I miss football now that its gone, but i also know that the players here are very big and strong and would rip me in half. You never know though, with alittle hard work, next year i coujld step on the field in burnt orange. I have not written much lately, and I know that I should have been writing every day. I once read that writing everyday is the only way to improve your craft. That and reading, but I know that I will have no shortage of reading this year. I have already had tons of reading, but its not that bad. I enjoy reading. I guess this kind of writing is a form of rambling. When your thoughts kind of slow down, its hard to keep writing. You think that you should be thinking of something meaningful. Somthing that would inspire whoever reads this. Inspire or say something meaningful. Its hard to stand out in a place as big as this. With so many numbers you have to be somewhat unique. You can't be too unique or people will dismiss you as trying too hard, but at the same time you can't be ordinary. You have to find the median. The happy place you could say. Not only happy for you, but the place that gets you happy with others. You can't just sit back anymore and wait for somthing to happen. You have to make it happen. As clich'e as it sounds, its true. In the words of Mick Jagger and the Stones, You can't always get what you want. . You could say that they truly are wise old men. You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, then you might find, you get what you need. Amen brother. Spoken by a true poet. I have always liked comedy in my writing. Not that everything is always funny, but it adds a sense of connection to the reader. I mean if someone laughs as they read, the work actually does something for them. If they simply sit and read words on a page, then it means nothing. It was a wasted tree. Often times the reader would rather look at a tree than read what is on the page. I by no means claim to be a great writer nor do I claim to make people laugh, I am simply claiming that I like to laugh as I read. I enjoy to read a sentence that makes me laugh out loud. If it makes you stand up and dance, well there you go brother welcome to the world of reading. It is a shame that I do not write as much as I used to. The Ideas are there, I just have not gotten them out yet. They will be there, it will just take time. I guess that is a premature assumption that the ideas will be there. My memory is not the greatest right now, at 19 years old. When I hit seventy or beyond, I can't wait until I have to write my name on my hand just to remember it. .

0

1

0

1

0

10

So the first week of school has begun and I am not ready at all! I already feel like I am loosing my mind. Which is not a good way to start off the school year. I am taking some interesting classes though with what seem like some pretty cool professors. First, I am taking CMS 306M, which is a speech class, and that doesn't seem like it will be too hard. Then I am taking ECO 304K with an amazing professor. I am very excited about this class but I have heard that it is a little difficult so I will definatly have to pay attention and study. I am also taking a geography class about weather and climate and my professor is Troy Kimmel-the weather man! So I am excited about that because he seems like a fun person! I am also taking EDP369K which is a community service class. We have to do community service every week for at least 4 hours. I think the professor sets us up with backgrounds that are unfamiliar to us and then we go to this business/place and get to experience those things that we normally wouldn't. This class should be interesting. I think it will really give a good perspective of what other people have to go through and it will help me not be so selfish. This class is just something I need to take. Finally, I am taking your PSY class which I am very excited about as well! Pennebaker seems very laid back and cool. With the music at the beginning of each class, etc. I don't know, I think I might surprise myself and acctually enjoy physcology (however that is spelled). I really need to catch up on my reading sometime soon. I am a sophomore so I am not as scared as I was last year. Last year I was very intimidated so I studied all the time and read every assignment that was passed my way-and in return I ended up with a 3. 888 (which my parents are enthused about!) But this year I am not as intimidated, so that could either be a good thing or a bad thing. I just really need to get out of the summer mode where I go out every night and do nothing but work and party. I need to calm down and study/read a bit more than I am now. I think I will be okay though because school has only been in session for a few days. So hopefully Ill get my act together soon. Anyway, on a lighter note tonight was our first Chapter Meeting. That's right, I am in a sorority-Alpha Chi Omega-and I love it! We just went through RUSH where we got all of our new members and they are absolutly amazing. My little Alpha Sis is the sweetest most cool girl ever! She knows how to control her school work but she also knows how to have a good time! I just love her. Next week we get our Chi Sis' and then a few weeks after that we get our Omega Sis' then at the end of that we get to chooose our Lil' Sis'-which will be ours for the rest of our college years. So this semester should be very exciting! This year I am living in the AXO house with my pledge class of '03 and I wasn't so sure about it last year but I really love it! I am getting to know my Pledge Class SO much better which really brings us closer and actually gives me the pride of calling them my sisters-however corny that may sound! Haha. Anywho, we have a date dash on Thursday and I am not sure which boy to take! haha. I always seem to have boy problems. But o well, that's all part of being a college student (I guess). Anywho, there is this one boy who is a Sigma Chi and is halarious and so much fun to be around. And really cute but then there is a Wrangler whos name is Matt who I kind of talked to last semester. He use to be our house boy and we even went on a date earlier before school started. Well even though he may be good to look at he really doesn't have much of a personality! Which really sucks. I think he's just really shy or something but he always mumbles and doesn't have a whole lotta interesting things to say. I mean, don't get me wrong he is a super sweet guy and I tottally trust him. And he's 21 (haha). But I can't help it if I am not attracted to someone. I mean in reality personality is everything even if this guy is amazing to look at. But in a way I feel like I owe it to him to invite him to our date dash. But then again I don't want to lead him on and then "break" his heart. Because that's just cruel! Okay, then there is another guy who reminds me of my ex-boyfriend (but in a good way). He is super cute and very interesting. I think I could hold several very interesting/intelligent conversations with him. I think he could teach me a lot about life in general. Anywho, my sweetmate introduced me to him and she really wants me to take him to this Date Dash and I would LOVe to go with him but I feel like I owe it to these other guys, that I have been spending more time with. So right now I am a very confussed person-and considering it is Monday night I kind of need to make up my mind really fast. Okay, so there's the Sigma Chi-names Forest-who is one of those guys that is supper fun but not long-term quality. Then there's Matt-the Wrangler-who is so nice but I would feel quilty leading him on by inviting him. Then there is Ryan who is someone I look very much foward to getting to know better. So we shall see how things go. I know everything happens for a reason so I will just follow my heart now and either way things will work themselves out! Right?? Well, I have now been typing non-stop for 18 minutes. I guess I had a lot to get off of my cheast. This is a good assignment because it always us to do what we should do every day. just let it all out! Haha, good idea! O yeah, I tried signing up for an experiment project but then I realized I signed up for the wrong day so I hope that doesn't affect my grade. Whopps! O well, there's nothing I can do about that now. This weekend is our first home football game which I am very excited about! We play North Texas and we should whopp some beee-hind! I can't wait~

1

0

1

1

1

23

stream of consciousness, I don't even know how to spell the word, god my roommate is so retarded. she is so fat. if I get fat because of all the junk food ill be real angry. god I can't type. this is so retarded. I really like the song. damn I have to go to the bath room and its only been like 3 minutes porbaqbly less, there I dammit go again, can't type. uggghhh the stupid computer guy didnt call back about my computer, stupid flirt oh yeah he can flirt and try and act all cool with me and my roommate but can't even get my computer back before my assignment is due. I hate using other peoples computers it just doenst feel the same and I really don't like typing on lap tops. I like my computer, it feel comfortable, I feel so weird at my own personal computer in college doing college stuff. although I am reall glad I don't have to write any papers. I'm pretty damn good at writting but I hate the effort that you have to put into it. my papers have to be perfect, each word percisely chosen, but then that is the point of most papers I mean all the really good writters specifically choose they're words to convey a point. I really have to go to the bathroom, but my god damn roommate has a guy over and the bathroom is right next to her room, I mean how akward is that. I have a problem going when its just girls. I have a dg meeting no a retreat at five 15 can't wait I really am beginnig to like being a dg although I don't know where ill get the money to pay for this but I worry about that later, I always get around things that I want, although I didnt get into the sor that I wanted I mean out of 5 I didn't get either, I just didnt realize how incredibly hard is is to get into the good ones, I just wish I knew why I was rejected at some of them. and I am really really bothered by the fact that this is so final I mean for life, I can't go back and try to fix things or change things. that's what's really bothering me, I can't seem to be in charge. I really wanted to be on crew really bad, I looks so fun and I love water, but the practices are so early I mean 5 and 6 in the morning, that's like the middle of the night for me. I got home at 2 and would have only got 3 hours of sleep if I wanted to go to try outs, and since I can't go to the practice tomarrow I am pretty sure thqat I can't do it, there's always next year, I guess its all for the best, I mean I will have a chance to get my footing and get adjusted, I don't want to be to heavily involved my first semester and being in a sorority takes up so much of my time. god I just really want to meet some hot guy and make really close friends, I know I'm supposed to give it time but I have been so severly disappointed since I have been here. I didnt get the chance I wanted to be in the in the really cool top sors and live-- had to go to the bathroom much better. I guess I'm happy I mean I just have such high expectations for myself, ilways want to appear to very cool to everyone else, I guess other's opinions really do matter and I know that isn't what is going to make me happy yes like with jas. jazz I really fucked up that one, all I could think was will I be cooll with this guy next year, not if I was happy or if I liked him as a person and when I realized what he meant to me it was too late. and then there's also the fact that after we got in that little fight I cuouldnt do anything about it. just wait for him to call or not call, I couldnt fix it. even after I went down there I wanted to make him see I was sorry and that I could be and was everything he wanted. I can get so messed up sometimes. I don't give people a chance because I don't perceive them as what other's would perceive as cool soes that make sense well to me it does. why am I so obsessed with society standards, I guess that 's I why I have never really be that happy or had a really super good best friend. to worried about what other people will think or say when they see me. I want to be proud like all the other girls and I don't see why they get to have everything. I mean they can be cold hearted bitches an dback stabbers, everything bad, but they'll have popularity, hot guys tons of people dying to be their friends, but me typically very nive and loyal doesn't ever get any of that, or maybe I do but just not they way I want. I always want what other people have or I can't get. more writting but I kkinda ran out of topics running why do I have to run so much and eat so little I'm mean I have a serious problem with wieght gain, I can't loose the pounds and I seriously feel like cruying because my legs are so thick. I mean I work out and I'm trying to more and have seriously cut back on my this song sucks how much longer, I guess its ok I don't want to take off my ursuline ring its part of who I am, I think its cute that I still wear it. i had a good time at ursuline it was only this summer that I got dicked over. I don't know what the deal is with andrea but the has some serious issues, she needs to grow up or get a life. I mean she just takes me for granted so much and now she's doing it to my roommate and I don't like it, I thought for once I would be able to get heroutof my life but it doesn't look that way, its like she doenst respect my friendship at all, she really doenst respect anyone, she is a conceited spoiled brat. I need to brush my teeth oh hey look I'm done

1

0

1

1

0

22

I was thinking about college and all the stuff that comes with it. college will be so hard yet so easy, i wonder how i will control myself. i don't want the fun factor to totally overrule the work factor. but then again, the classes seem pretty fun and not so hard. yet again, it has also only been a week of classes, so i could be sorely mistaken. we will just have to see what happens as time unfolds. i'm also a little worried because i have a boyfriend that goes to stephen f. austin state university, and driving distance that is 3 and 1/2 hours away!! how will i manage this?? we have been together for over a year and a half, so i can't just throw the relationship away, he means a lot to me. what do i do?? i guess i will give it time and see what happens. college is a lot to handle, and managing it all with a long-distance boyfriend is not easy. i don't know what i'm getting myself into. i'm also really pissed that i decided to stay at dobie, because after visiting friends in towers today i realized how much better it is, and what i rip off dobie is. the food sucks!! it drives me insane how bad it is and what a rip off everything is. towers is way better. i'm just glad that i'm rooming with my great friend shara in a badass apartment next year. yay!! we'll have our own rooms and all we'll have to do is take a short bus trip to campus every day. not that bad. plus we'll be more familiar with campus and won't get so lost, as i do here constantly. but it is my first year after all, so it can't be that bad. i'm also kind of nervous about my freshman seminar class, it sounds so ridiculously hard! a lot of writing and sharing your feelings, and all that stuff. i had to read like 15 pages just on how to listen correctly to other people. i'm 18 years old! i know how to listen! this is not kindergarten. it just makes me so mad. i'm really glad i met my friend shara, i knew her slightly my senior year in high school so we come from the same background and have a lot to relate to. i've gotten to know her so well these past 2 weeks that i feel like i've known her all my life! she's such a great girl. i like how she does not hesitate to compliment her friends for ANYTHING. great character trait to have. and i'm glad about all the parties that are here in austin, and the unique culture. walking around even with a friend at night is a little scary though, but i'll never walk by myself anyway so it's all good. and i love the music scene. i'm afraid i'll go too shopping-crazy though because urban outfitters is so readily available down the street and back home in houston it was like miles away towards downtown. i'm obsessed with spongebob! i have three spongebob squarepants posters on my wall in my dorm room, and i have spongebob band-aids. he's so cute! and the show is hilarious, totally my type of humor. i have the dvd as well, is that scary or what?? and you know what makes me mad? i got a heat rash here a few days after i moved in! that sucks! why here of all places? i think houston is MUCH hotter just because of the huge humidity factor. but NO i get a heat rash here. sucks. at least it's not visible, it's only little bumps you can barely feel. AND i got a popped blood vessel in MY EYE. what more could possibly go wrong? i guess a lot but it's so much to handle right when i get there! makes me so self conscious! i guess that's a psychology topic--why people get self-conscious. interesting topic. i would like to talk about it sometime in class. i think when i'm done with this i will do some physics problems and then just watch zoolander on dvd or something. yay. i'm so glad i have a tv, vcr, and dvd player! my room is totally pimped out, how great is that. i feel so exhausted. walking isn't easy in this heat, no matter what time of the day it is. i'm actually getting really hungry. i might fix myself a peanut butter sandwich. crunchy, but of course, what else? crunchy is the way to go. should i feel guilty about making plans to go to a party on a thursday night? is that bad? i don't really think so, seeing as on fridays i have only one 1 hour class from 12-1. wow that was a lot of 1s. god i'm so hungry, is this thing over yet? my hands are shaking. need food. aagh. peanut. butter. crunchy. does it matter if i'm coherent or not? it's just that when i get hungry, WHAM it hits me like a train and i get all hungry and can't help it. oh well. i hope this thing was entertaining for you, or whoever is reading this thing. i'm glad i got this over with early. yay im done.

0

1

1

1

0

14

Dr. Pepper. my brothers girlfriend wants me to get her one OU tickets. . i was angry about them but now theres a solitude about me and I've accepted that i can't go and get in for sure so i might just have to throw a party here. university federal credit union. why hasnt my check and cash card come in yet? its very confusing tuna fish. amanda just sang a tuna song cory morrow. . wondering if i can go to teh concert tonight or if i might just sleep since i didnt sleep uch last night my friend katey. . i havent talked to her in a while and she just instant messaged me the love of my life. its a name my friend cecily and i gave each other. i need to call her and talk to her because she called me during class today and said she was feeling bad because of an accident she was in or something. i need an update my friend nicole got really mad at adam today amd i told her i would call her just to talk horses. the computer just made a horse sound screaming infidelities. dashboard confessional song i just listened to OU tickets. . once again my friend abby. shes having a rough time lately and i want to do something to help but i can't think of anything right now ashlee. my real good friend (perhaps my best friend) is in abilene in school there. and i miss her alot. haha. i called her yesterday and her phone went off in the middle of a church service and she said it was really embarassing basketball. am i going to play tonight? who will i play with? can't decide whether or not im going football-virginia tech plays marshall toniht and i really want to watch taht game san marcos-my very good friend is there and he says he never does anything with people and i wish he would because hes a really great person im tired movies-i downloaded movies on my computer so i don't have to pay an outrageous fee to view them my dad-he called earlier this morning and said he might come fix the AC (its leaking) and i don't know if hes going to come becuae i called him back and he didnt answer movies. . again. which one should amanda watch? boondock saints-great movie psychology and having to have this turned in by 5 o'clock on friday and how long that survey was for pretesting. i almost shot the computer becuase it just kept going and going loving someone forever and ever (lyrics to screaming infidelitites) bless me. i sneezed hoping i didnt miss anything in philosophy when i fell asleep today missing a bunch of my friends from high school and anticipating seeing their faces again how to burn a movie onto a dvd. its complicated dazed and confused. good movie watchign signs. wonder if thats a good movie my friend scott. he told me he already did this and that he tried to explain himself talking to my dad on the phone and telling him about the OU draw and how much i don't like deloss dodds calculus. im doing good on quizzes dating a girl. my dad gives me a hard time with it. amandas job to set up a girl with me. haha sponge bob square pants. great show the draw for a&m. im already looking forward to getting tickets to that game but ill probably be shot down again. ouch WTF (stands for what the ________) a joke my friends and i say whenever something we don't want to happen happens. . thinking about OU made me think that train. the music group. i think i hear them on TV i sneezed again. . got to call cecily. dotn forget

1

1

1

1

0

30

WELL I GUESS I CAN START WITH MY DREAM LAST NIGHT SINCE THAT IS WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ALL DAY. it WAS SO CRAZY. I had a dream that I was sitting on the couch in my room and talking with a friend when all of a sudden there is a knock at the door. I open the door and it is a dark figure, like a person, but the lighting in my apartment was that of the time of day that dusk sets in. Well she walks I and covers my mouth and lays me down on the floor and holds me with all force while she is chanting some mysterious chant in my ear. I don't know what she was saying but at that point I wake up in my dream as I'm struggling to move my body. I couldn't move until I realized I was out of my dream, which was maybe 3 seconds later. How creepy is that. When I woke up the chant was repeating in my head for like 10 seconds and then I completely forgot it. I don't know what that was about but it seems to me that it has to do with someone putting a spell on me. I've felt ghosts before but I never felt a bad sense coming from them. Weird. I always wonder what dreams are really supposed to mean. I mean people can buy dream books all they want but what are the chances of those interpretations being the same for all of us? I am a little worried about that but I haven't really been a bad person in the past with anyone. That I can think of. Oh well. Anyways I have to really buckle down today and do some serious studying if I want to enjoy the weekend like I should. Hopefully I will be studying on the beach Saturday night. Not that the South Padre beach ids that beautiful. After going to Cancun for a week though I guess its hard to actually top that beach. That was the best time I believe in my life so far. It is good to know that I will be going on many more trips like that considering how easy it was to plan that trip. Saving the money was super hard but I feel like if I really want to do something I am capable of making that happen. I hope this weekend is as good as last weekend. I am going back to San Antonio to see my family since it has been two weeks since my last visit. I really love the night life over here though. Maybe because everything is so new over here and I really love change period. I am not scared to completely change my patterns in friendships and relationships for that matter. I came over here knowing 3 people in the whole city. Now I know just a few more but the possibility of me meeting so many more is very high on the scale. I really miss my best friend a lot though. Her and I hung out all summer together, and all last year in school for that matter. She was all I needed and I was the same for her. Now we are spirited and she's getting back with her boyfriend and will probably end up married with children. Its a sad world when you see people you love so dependant on the wrong things at the wrong time. Her relationship with that boy is so lame. Thank god I have no time for stuff like that right now. I cannot relate to her attachment to him and would love to keep it that way for a really long time. Hopefully she will snap out of it though and realize that her whole life is ahead of her. Man. This is a really long time to be typing straight on the computer. Everyone around me is getting annoyed by how much I am typing. They keep staring at me, then the screen and back to me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Lets see well I've been trying to explore the campus and look for spots to study that no one can find. But unfortunately there are too many damn students in this place to accomplish that goal. This Life Sciences Library is really nice. I think its the high ceilings that make me feel so comfortable in here. There are always open computers in here as well. Well my time is almost up. My experience in the psy class is very important to me considering I want to be a psychiatrist one day.

0

0

1

0

1

5

I thought the whole thing was ridiculous. Most of the questions were so obvious. I was getting frustrated at how dumb some of those questions were getting. They might as well be asking us to recite the alphabet. I can understand wanting our opinions about things, but they should have reworded their questions. Some of those questions made my roommate and I feel kind of stupid to be answering them. Anyway, right now I actually have a lot of things on my mind. I'm homesick, concerned about my classes, and excited about college all at once. I'm adjusting quite well to such a big change in my life. At first, I was constantly lost, frustrated, and worried, but I'm doing much better now that I've met so many people and overcome so many of my fears. I'm not sure what else to write, but I'll continue simply because it hasn't been 20 minutes. I'm loving UT right now, and I'm definitely glad I came here. My roommate and I get along great. We have a lot in common. We just work so well together.

0

0

0

1

0

2

Well, I suppose one of the first things that enter into my mind are why in the world did I wait this long to get assignments like this done. I always put a lot of unneccesary pressure on myself by putting these things off. I haven't been doing in college so far, but I know if I was more productive with my time I'd be better off. That and money. I haven't been very good with money lately. Oh, I have plenty to live on, but I spend a LOT of money on things I simply don't need. I also tend to spend money unwisely, like buying things somewhere when I KNOW I can get them somewhere else much cheaper, but I buy it anyways because it's there and convenient. I don't have any income right now eithher, I need a work-study job, but that shouldn't be too hard. I've already paid my rent for the semester, and so a job should cover my phone bill and other little living expenses just fine. I've got some more money coming in for doing webpages for other people, too. The unfortunate thing is, it's getting to a point where it's almost a home-run business, and I'm beginning to worry about whethter or not taxes become an issue. I hate filling out forms, much less loads of tax forms. I'm only 18, and it's a thing I do on the side to make extra money, and I don't know if I should be concerned with such a thing as business tax forms and accounting. I've only done three small commerical webpages . . I don't know if that excuses me from anything. I need to talk to some expert about that. Money is no object to me, in the end, though. That's probably why I'm so careless about most of it. I have been keeping a pretty tight track of it, though, just to make sure I don't go broke. I'm looking at buying a computer, and I think I have just enough. My work study job then could easily cover my little living expenses. I also spend a good bit on music, which is something I'm really into. Not music in general, mind you, but just the stuff I listen too. A lot of it is fairly obscure . . I'm not even talking about rock obscure or grunge obscure or world music obscure. I listen to a good bit of forgotten artist's stuff, like albums they release after they've had their heydey - which is usually in the 80s. I listen to music basically all the time. My roommate has actually been pretty cool about me playing the music all the time, sometimes I wonder if he minds, but I don't think he does. We have a guitar in our room, and it's my roommate's. He doesn't play it too often, only a bit now and then. He's decent. I don't know anything, though. I'm not muscially inclined, personally, in any way. I don't sing or play any insturments, though I wish I did. Something like keyboards or drums would be cool, but I've been learning to apprecaite the guitar more. I like to hear guitarists who make them sing and make distinct sounds than the heavy clunky stuff most grunge-rock-alternative bands make. Steve Hackett, when he was a guitarist for Genesis way back when, is a great example. I heard somewhere that he would try to make the guitar sound more synthesized, and as a result, he played some interesting solos. He made the band sound a little more Floyd-ish I guess. Still, that's the kind of guitar I'd like to learn to play. Acoustic riffs would be neat to learn, too. The keyboards would be tough, but I'd think the most fun to play could be the drums. Drummers have a lot of different styles, I've noticed. I wouldn't leanr to play really fast and make a lot of noise, I would want to learn how to play perfectly timed melodic noises - stuff that doesn't take just speed, but lots of skill, too. I don't know how most bands play it now a days, but drums don't always particularly stand out in some songs now a days, but I guess a lot of them don't hold that as important. When Phil Collins was drummer for Genesis, the drums had moments in the songs when they really stood out. Not because they were loud, neccessarily, but because they were different with what you usually heard. They didn't go along with the song, they would almost LEAD the song. Really, though, all of the members of the band Genesis make it such a great band, which if you haven't caught on by now, is my favorite band. I'm getting a little tired and I have lot more reading and some homework to do. Tomorrow is Monday and classes start up again. Fun.

0

0

0

0

0

0

Hi, well. I'll start out by introducing myself. My name is Christina Acevedo. I am a Freshman here at The University of Texas. Just recently i got off the phone with my girlfriend. aahhh. i love her soo much. We have been together for 4 years and 8 months already. Except, just two nights ago we had a little argument, or should I say miscommunication . She told me some things that I really didn't enjoy hearing, and of course, I got upset. and reacted. At that point I didn't really feel like talking to her the rest of the night, or even the next day. But I fell asleep thinking about it. Which wasn't really smart because it made me even more mad. So, that morning I woke up at 8:00 AM to go to my first class. It was one of my farthest classes, so of course I had more time to think. After that class, I came home and wrote her an e-mail. I was so confused and I had so many mixed feelings towards her. I wasn't sure what was going on. Just that I loved her and that I still wanted to be with her. Well, needless to say, we talked about it afterwards. and of course, we're still together. THANK GOD!! :) So everything is going really well right now. And I'm glad because we don't live in the same city either, so its not that easy. I come here to UT and she goes to A&M in College Station. And I have to admit, long distance relationships suck, but when it comes down to those one or two or three weekends out of the month that you get to see each other, they're great! And I guess that's it for that subject. Right now I'm watching Shop Til You Drop. I remember watching this show and Supermarket Sweet a really long time ago. So, they're probably all reruns. Right after I get through with this I am going to go downstairs and have dinner. I'm pretty hungry even though I just had a couple of snacks up here in my dorm. I live at The Castilian. It is really a neat place. And it is a convenient location for me because my classes don't seem to be so far. My parents didn't let me bring my car over here to Austin my first year. I was pretty bummed out about that, but I wouldn't have used it to drive to school anyway. It would be parked here in the Castilian's garage, which by the way, costs $900 for the two semesters. Although, it would come a lot in handy on the weekends when I wanted to go out and hang out with my friends, or to go and visit my girlfriend in College Station. Speaking of which, I saw her this past weekend. (labor day weekend). Me and a friend of mine left here on Saturday morning, it took us about an hour and a half to get there, and then we drove back and partied here. It was a blast! Although my girlfriend got a little carried away drinking and ended up throwing up for some of the night. But it was ok because she was really fun before we went to bed. We also tried going to a club called BOYZ CELLAR, but my friend (Robyn), the one who picked me up, is 17. So they didn't let her in because you have to be 18, so of course, none of us went in. That pretty much sucked because I was really looking forward to that. I guess we'll just wait for another good weekend and we'll all go because her birthday just so happens to be about two weeks from now. And now about school. Let me tell you, the classes here at UT are not going to be anything easy, thats for sure. I am taking 6 classes (15 hours). I am trying to major in Biology, but. my strong point is absolutely not Biology. And thats because this semester I am taking Biology 211, Biology 212, Chemistry 301, Calculus 408K, Cardiovascular and weight training, and of course, Psychology with you. So, I'm looking forward to a pretty tough semester. I just know that I have to study a lot and listen in class and take good notes and hopefully everything will go my way. I don't really want to start off bad because it is not a good impression on the professors or anybody who is looking for someone to fill a job opening. My goals for the future would have to be that I want to live with my girlfriend, somewhere VERY NICE. And I want to be someone that makes pretty good money. And I want to have a couple of pets. Not too many. And I know that my girlfriend wants A LOT. she probably has been planning some part of her future in her mind. Like, at least what kind of house she wants, or something of that sort. I mean, she already has the exact ring that she wants when she gets married. She wants it to be white gold, with a big ROCK on it. Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it?! :) So yeah. and. well, I think my parents are going to come up and visit soon. I really didn't want them to come up here, I'd rather go down there. because I think that maybe I would feel awkward having my entire family in my dorm for a while. And then hanging out with them here on the weekend. I think I would be too tempted to just be like, ok. well, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, and go out to a club or something. But, well. that's all for now. I can't really think of anything else to type. My mind has totally gone blank. I have typed everything that I am thinking and maybe even EVERYTHING that I have thought about the entire day. Well maybe a few exceptions. And the time and minutes on top don't seem to be moving at all. I don't know exactly how much time I have left to type. But the twenty minutes have seemed to go by pretty fast.

1

1

1

0

1

29

I'm curious to know whether or not there is or isn't a timer in this program and if it were possible to just quit typing and claim that 20 minutes have passed. My thoughts and emotions concern my future and what I'm going to do. Do I really want to be a psychology major or am I just saying that because it sounds cool. I want to counsel, but id really like to make a ton of money. Maybe everyone is right, I should be a business major, that's what everyone else is doing. But I don't want to deal with that crap for the rest of my life. I think its boring and stupid. The future is such a difficult concept to ponder. Sometimes I have different goals for it. should I try to satisfy myself, friends or family? I mean it when I tell my friends that I want to be a professional wrestler, it looks so stinking fun. Just jumping around and bad acting. Well, an acting career would be nice too, but I'm to shy and insecure for that. I think I could do it, but I wouldn't want to associate myself with the thespian weirdoes. I don't think id be able to be my best if I had a problem fitting in with weirdoes. Maybe I'm the weirdo. nah. probably not. I may be stereotyping them, but, hey, they're weird man. I've seen the way they act. They put the stereotype on themselves. I'm sure there's a couple nice ones though. I wonder if all the famous actors were at one time like that. My mind just drifted to Tricia. She sent me a message saying that she had a couple of dates this past weekend. I wonder how true that is. Of course its true, but its weird how she never dated in high school and then all of a sudden at A&M she's a hot item. I still think about that monster crush I had on her my sophomore yr. I wonder if she liked me too. Everyone thought she did. But I never had the balls to find out for myself. I'm going to regret that for the rest of my life. I'm such a fucking pussy. The same thing last yr. If I had the balls, I think I could have got something started with Erica at Baylor. Instead, now, we're just good friends. I could have used some support too. But that fucking Ray would have been too jealous if Erica and I got something started. That prick, I think he could've hooked me up with Courtney too. But he needed her, if not, who would he use to cheat on his girlfriend??? Then her roommate, Darla, man, she's such a little bitch. The thing is, she's not even pretty man. Its okay to be snobby and bitchy if your hot, but she was an ugly little girl, with nothing to show for herself. Amazing how she was dating all the time. Then her fucking attitude about how she has the perfect mate in mind, but wants to date, because its part of the college experience. Ray thought like that too. That's such a fucking crock man. As Christians they shouldn't be thinking like that. if this almighty god already picked out the perfect mate for them, there is no reason for them to date around to have fun. They love justifying things. There is something wrong with what your doing fi you have to justify it man. And then ray went to that Mexico trip to witness to a bunch of poverty stricken Mexicans. Its funny how he couldn't convert me to Christianity in 9 months, but he thinks he can do a whole Mexican community within a couple of weeks. I guess its easier when you feed them and shit. talk about taking advantage of people. Why don't these gung-ho Christians go witness to the people who really "need Jesus" They should make mission trips to Washington D. C. and talk to the politicians. they're the fucking sinners man. and the business people too. they're the ones fucking this world up. working for Satan. They don't want to witness to them because they're smarter than them, and they can't find a way to take advantage of them. Christianity is fucked up sometimes. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for going to CBS, but if I didn't I wouldn't know anyone. They're nice and I enjoy being there. But most people there have less of a commitment to god than I do, so oh well. I'm glad I'm at UT though. its way better than Baylor, god, I used to get so depressed there. but I'm proud of myself, I toughed out that bullshit. I miss a lot of the guys though. It was a different sort of friendship, but it was cool. I still wonder if I would've stayed if my 1st semester was like the 2nd. but then again I was about to go crazy towards the end. Jesse and Miguel. and big John almost killed me!! I hope I date here. I think that's all I need to be happy. a good woman. I'd like to have what lijay has, or anything really. I think I'm the only one in our click rite now without someone to "talk to". times up. .

1

1

1

1

0

30

it might be a good idea to join a coed frat for engineers because then maybe I will get some studying done and actually get help on my calculus from someone who knows more than I do. a bagel sounds good right now since I haven't eaten lunch yet, but not will jelly, I think I will have philly cheese instead. this place is a mess, if my roommates leave anymore of their curlers and hairdryers on the floor when I get home, I think I will have a cow. that's okay, they are great roommates, they always do the dishes and for the more part are considerate of my belongings. here on out I am going to eat healthier and exercise a bite more than I have been lately. I hope by me playing more racquetball lately will not effect my previous tennis skills. rob will die if I do get better because he hates to loss. that would be so funny if I could kick his butt in racquetball, but then he would be pretty upset. although I think I can relate to his family more than I can to him. his head is in the clouds will all of that philosophy he reads. I can't understand why someone would pick a worthless major like philosophy when all you can do is write a book or teach. why not do something with your life which you can apply and gain new knowledge from. besides I think everyone should have to take philosophy, because there are basic ideas everyone should just know, but not to major in. my roommates are home, I have to close my door. they are so loud, I think I suppose to cook tonight, looks like I need to go to the grocery. I think chicken, pasta, and some kind of bread, oh yeah, and a salad of some sort will be good tonight. I need to make sure they eat something later so lessen the affects alcohol will have on their bodies. I am so sick of drunk people anyways. all of those girls that came by last night, were all drunk by the end of that crappy box wine. anyways, it is gorgeous outside, I hope to find time to swim in the pool I haven't yet been in, I feel like I live in a resort living here, we have everything. I have a great life. I live two of the most wonderful people, I have a family who completely supports me and a boyfriend and school and everything. the little things in life for the most part I enjoy and I having freedom, enough to make any grateful person happy. and even if I don't have all these things, there is plenty to be grateful for. too many good things, great food, great wine and genuine love. although these enjoyments wouldn't be the same with the not so enjoyable things. I love life, no destination, just a journey and one that you can turn in any direction you want. life is what you want it to be. but I don't want to get caught up in idealistic idea, but should keep my feet on the. my roommate came in, no thank you. what was I thinking, oh yes. keep my feet on the ground by also being realistic, and many think that being realistic is the same idea as being pessimistic, I differ. maybe those are the people who are actually

0

1

1

1

0

14

Hey, well, I am really very nervous, writing down all of my thoughts and feelings on this computer and not in my own personal journal. Because, atleast there I know I will be the only one reading it. But I guess I 'll start writing about what I really have on my mind. My boyfriend and best friend just took off on a long truck ride back home, which is about six and half hours away. They (Jeremiah and Lauren) came to visit this weekend and even though they have only been gone for an hour and fifteen minutes I miss them like crazy! Jeremiah means everything to me and I can't stand the thought of him being five hundred miles away. But then again I decided to come to Texas and not to Tech. Right? Well, that is one thing that is bothering me, the other thing eating away at me is that my new step-mother, who is only four years older than me, is causing some major problems back at home. And on that note it really ticks me off that as soon as I left home she has been on a rampage and really screwing up everything. I feel really helpless because I am over here in Austin and I can't help my sister or my dad go through their problems. I usually stuck up for them when I was home and now I just get to hear about them over the telephone. Which is even more bad because they may or may not be telling me the whole story. I know my dad can handle it but its my kid sister I'm worried about. Jessica, my step mom is such a pain. She is very very, immature for her age and I saw this coming the whole time. I just wish my dad did so he doesn't have to be going thru this right now. I really miss home. I even miss my dog, Homie. I bet he feels like I abandoned him. I was the only one who paid attention to him, but I hope Emily is taking good care of him now. I've only been in school for two weeks and it feels like it should already be november. Sounds pathetic, right? I'm wondering if this was the right decision. I sure hope so. I am a firm believer that God will never give me something that I could not handle by myself. So I just have to take this with a grain of salt and leave it at that. I just wish it was as easy as that. Gosh now it has been one hour and twenty minutes since Jeremiah has left. I keep looking at the clock like he is fixing to get here instead of him being on his way back home. We have become closer ever since I moved. It seems weird saying that but I really mean it. We actually have conversations on the phone, we talk on the internet, and when we see each other it feels like it did when we first started going out, four years ago! It feels great. I love him and I can honestly say that I will marry him one day. Heck, I'd marry him tomorrow if he asked me. He is my best friend and I can tell him anything. He is smart and funny and really good looking. Better yet, he is perfect. He has never cheated on me and always makes me feel like a queen. Sometimes I'm not sure if I deserve him. But I do love him and I always will. It still feels like I'm writing in my diary, although if I was I wouldn't be as consious about typos and mispelled words! I really like this assignment though, it sure beats the chemistry homework I really should be doing right now. I hate chemistry. I hate homework! But it has to be done, right? I often wonder what would happen if I just said to heck with it all and quit. My family would freak. They are so by the book. If anyone was to go out of the norm their whole world collapse. I hope I'm not like that to my kids. I want to be different. I want to make a difference not wait for someone to do it and then say hey I helped them get there. I want to be the one to do something, something special. I just figure out what. I just know that whatever it is Jeremiah is there with me when I do it. You know what? Its hard to type when your nose is running! But I'm almost out of time so I'll keep on typing. I can do it, I can do it! Ha, ha thats kind of funny. Speaking of funny isnt if funny how when your onthe internet you mispell words on purpose and here I am trying really hard not to misspell anything, even when it doesn't matter if the words are mispelled or not. That is bizarre. Remember that song How Bizarre I hated it but Jeremiah always sang it and it drove me crazy. Thats funny

0

0

0

0

0

0

I got to pee. I don't know how long I can hold it. Maybe I should of went to the restroom before I started this thing. Oh well, it's all good. Man my neck is still sore from lifting weights on Tuesday, and I need to lift again today, I really need to stop being lazy so I can get strong and get in shape. I hope I can get notes from the class I missed today, that's already been twice I missed the same class and we have only been in school for less than 2 weeks. Man I really need to start picking it up. It don't make any sense to send in a transcript for a scholarship when my transcript doesn't exist at this school yet. What am I supposed to do? Also transcripts are $10 a piece plus a $1. 75 if you use a credit card. It's stupid. Man my hands are starting to hurt, 20 minutes is a lot longer than I thought. I need to figure out something to do on Saturday, I mean this is Austin plenty to do, but choosing what to do is kind of hard especially when you don't have any money. I am getting tired, about to fall asleep after I finish this, but I got to do that math homework so I don't have to worry about it later. I just heard a weird sound, I think it was my stomach but I just ate so it can't be that I am hungry, maybe it is just digesting some food. Oh man another 10 minutes to go, they should have shortened these writing assignments to 10 minutes when I would be done by now. Ha ha ha, that's pretty funny, ha ha ha. I wonder what they are going to think of my thoughts, it can't be that bad, but what was up with that pre testing for the experiment requirement, it took forever and a day. Man I wish this school were closer to my home back in El Paso. I already kind of miss home, I think I might be homesick, but I haven't thrown up or cried so I am not sure. Man I still got to pee. I don't see how they say this school has the best looking girls compared to all other colleges, because I have only seen a few girls that are cute and few that are really cute, maybe I just haven't seen all of them in this gigantic school, I swear I am going to have strong ass legs by the time the semester is over from all this walking. Oh yea there is that girl that looks like Raven, now that girl looks good, I really need to stop being shy and talk to that girl. Who knows she might give me a chance, you never know. Then there is also that girl in math class, she is real cute too, but I have talked to her, but I need to get to know her better. What should I do tonight? I could play basketball in Gregory or volleyball downstairs here at Jester, so much to do so little time. I am almost done, then I can go pee, and go do my math homework in Jay & Jason's room since they have the book. That's stupid that you have to buy the Solutions Manual with the book, I just wanted a used book, but no they didn't have any. oh well it is cheaper to just use Jay's book when I need it, besides I only use it for homework anyways. Oh man this thing is over, and I really need to go to the bathroom.

0

1

0

0

1

9

I guess I won't be looking forward to this weekend. Why? I won't be going home. At least I'll be able to get some work done if I stay here. It's hard to concentrate at home because there are so many distractions. All I know is that I have to focus on my studies. This feels weird just babbling on. I don't even know where this is even heading. I feel like such a fool sitting here typing up things on this screen that don't even make sense. I'm stuck. Okay, never mind, I'll think of something to say. At least I should be happy that I was able to get access to this computer. Stuck again. It's amazing how when I'm asked to say things, I usually don't know what to say. This feels weird. Maybe the next time I do this, I should do it in a private place, so people won't be wondering what the heck I'm doing or constantly looking over at my screen to catch a glimpse of what it is I'm doing here. Who cares anyway. I can't believe have so much work to do when I get back. Forget about that for now. I'll deal with that later. I wish I wouldn't procrastinate sometimes. This assignment is so similar to the one that I had to do everyday in my high school sophomore English class. I couldn't believe all the things I had written. I think this guy sitting next to me is getting annoyed. He's making some sort of grunting sounds. Oh well, I guess he'll have to put up with it for another ten minutes. I'm so nervous about tomorrow. Going out to join the tennis club. I haven't played in awhile. I hope they have plenty of extra balls because they might be losing a few tomorrow. I need the exercise anyway.

1

1

1

1

1

31

ok so I'm doing this stream of consciousness writing thing and its a little weird, but then again I love to type and just let loose on the computer what my mind is thinking. so this is kind of fun. I just wish that my strep throat/tonsillitis would go away so that tomorrow (Thursday) I can do well in the challenge. and so that I can play well for the clarinet sectional Friday night, because I need to pass off the pregame music by memory and personally, I haven't memorized all of it yet. I guess it comes from being an alternate, because half the time we practiced pregame (which hasn't been much) I was forced to sit on the sidelines and watch. oh boy, don't I love watching. I really hate just sitting there as an alternate, because I feel like I'm a cheap addition to the band. like I wasn't quite good enough to deserve a marching spot. but on the flip side, they must think that I'm good enough because I'm expected to jump in on game day and march pregame if someone is sick, late, drunk, or too hungover to march. I feel bad for thinking this but I kind of want Kelvin's knee to keep him from marching on Saturday. maybe he'll have me march pregame for him, since taps stride is a lot more painful. I don't want to wish that pain on him, though, because he's a sweet guy and deserves to march every game. plus he's a 5th year and he doesn't have many more games left. thank god this room has finally warmed up. or maybe its because I put some pants on. do I smell smoke?? that wouldn't be good. Maybe Gina and I shouldn't leave the towels over the vent. even though it is blocking the freaking cold air from coming through. Oh my goodness this room is so cold in the morning!! holy cow you would think its January, not September! man, sleeping over at rustic's place last weekend was awesome. I was warm the entire night, and when I got hot I just kicked the covers off until I got cold. I guess the fact that I was wearing his pajama pants helped. no nothing happened. he's a really good guy. A Christian. his mom has a funny little story about premarital sex. it has to deal with a unicorn. Yeah I wont go into details. but it proves that he's a good guy. not to mention I spent both Friday and Saturday nights at his place. he didn't try a single thing! funny how dad thinks I trust guys too much, and make myself too 'available'. if only he knew me better, he would know that I'm VERY skeptical with guys. especially after so many of them lying to me. I'm sick of being cheated on and lied to, so I basically play hard to get. I don't think id consider it that, but I don't go easy on them. I'm not the stupid blonde you think I am. I really wish I was one or two steps up on the ladder. my whole life I felt like I wasn't quite good enough. I never won any student council positions, never quite made it to area band, made first chair wind last year on account of a new director but lost it the next semester, made alternate up here at UT, and wasn't elected as Newman representative. I don't understand it. I work my ass off to do the best I can, but that never seems to be good enough. why? my dad was valedictorian at his high school, and if I had good grades in elementary school where did the smarts go? why did I all of a sudden screw up math class in 7th grade? granted mrs glover refused to help me, and probably told me the wrong way to solve problems, but still. I did awesome in 8th grade prealgebra, and then algebra and geometry in high school. but once I hit algebra 2 and precal, shit hit the fan. I just hope I don't have to take calculus in college. but since I don't know what I want to do, I may have to. I really need to get that career test done. I've got to figure out what I want to do with myself by next semester. unless I stay in liberal arts, this whole semester has practically been a waste. not quite, because bio psy and band count (for nursing at least), but other than that. I don't know what I want to do. what do people do if they can't decide? take a lot of random classes I guess, but that's not me. I'm coming in with so many hours that I was hoping to graduate in 3 years. that way if I go to law school I can get in and out before I'm 30, ugly, and still single. I hope I meet someone up here. I'm not built to be single or to date for years to come. ahh nose needs to stop itching. why the heck do I have to be sick? I hate this! once hell week was done I got sick. yeah, that makes the first week of school start off real good. let me tell you. oh well. at least I did all the partying last weekend, before all the symptoms hit. and before my parents decided to come in. dangit! rustin has a kappa kappa psi thing at 8am Sunday morning, which means he probably wont party after the game Saturday night, which means I wont get to spend the night at his apartment because he wont be able to get up and take me back to my dorm at that obnoxious hour. oh but maybe after we paint his living room on Monday I could stay over. I don't have a class until 12:30 so that might work! jeez I'm a dork. I need to stop reading into things like this. the time will come when it decides to come. until then I got to sit back and watch things happen. oh look, I have 10 seconds left. dang

0

0

0

1

0

2

How necessary is sleep? The past few days, I have been going to morning swim practice and then my 8 A. M. classes. Is only four to five hours enough? I know that there are plenty of other students that are also recieving either this amount or even less. But is the amount of sleep affecting them to a certain degree, or can a person simply get use to it. Right now I am feeling somewhat tired, but know that I have enough homework to get done to stay awake and complete. Will all of this suddenly crash down on me, or will I get use to this kind of sleep cycle. Also I wonder if I am organized enough to do well in most of my classes, not just to barely. Are my notes as good as they should be or should I be taking more during class? I write down most of the important or interesting points that the professor comments on, but do I need more details in order to do well. The past few days I have recieved two different parking tickets, that I thought were unnecessary. I double checked all of the signs in the area, and even asked the front desk of my dorm, concerning that location. The signs indicated that I wasn't parked illegally, and the front desk said that it was perfectly alright to park there, if I could find a spot. But after two different parking tickets from the exact same spot, I guess I now have to pick a different location. I wonder though if the tickets will be able to be dismissed because of the lack of indication for this site. I wrote a couple of e-mails to try and appeal both tickets, but have recieved no word back. The front desk said that the people in that department would only drop one of the tickets, if either. This is mainly because of the lack of evidence that I have, which I think is incredibly stupid.

1

0

1

0

0

20

I wonder if the more you study the easier it becomes to study for longer periods of time, like a muscle becomes used to extended strenuous activity. . I met this great looking girl at a frat party the other night(I am a kappa sig. )and I asked her to go to the rice game with me, she said she would, I went to her dorm too. she is really nice and amazingly beautiful. about thirty minutes ago I saw her going up the elevator with another guy, I wonder constantly what she thinks about me or if she does at all. Not that I'm upset a great deal or anything, I mean I hang out with girls all the time that are just friends, maybe he was like that with her. I hope so, don't mean to sound obsessed. I actually prayed last night for the first time in a long time, it felt good, I mean I believe in God very strongly even though I don't live the perfect Christian life by a long shot, sometimes I feel bad about praying because of what do (Namely drugs and partying). deep down I know that God wants me to talk to him all the time but its like facing a nun when you're stoned. (personal experience). like looking unto something that's holy (or perfect) and knowing that you're heart and soul aren't really of any comparison to theirs. I even asked God to help me "get" this girl I like so much. seems a bit childish in some ways, but I think he will let happen what's best for me. College has been so overwhelming so far, I just seem to keep going with what's happening in classes and my obligations to the fraternity, I think if I slowed down, and had time to think I might become a little more anxious but so far I've coped alright, I'm a pretty laid back person, not too much gets to me. the key I think to dealing with transitions like this is having good friends, I've got this girl from back home that I hang out with a lot. she is very cool and down to earth and I respect her a lot because she respects herself, and she is willing to talk about anything, sometimes more than I'm comfortable with, but she seems to know when something is into my risk side of conversation. .

1

1

1

0

1

29

I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm barely making it through my day. I feel like a zombie, but hey what's new? I have an english paper due on Monday. I think I completely bombed the thesis. I guess I can always go back and change it. I'm tired, I can't think. that's a lie, of course I can. it will simply be rambling nonsensical jumble. and that counts too right? sure it does. I've been seeing this guy. he's about seven years older than I am, and that shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it's more of an age difference than anyone I've dated before. I can meet him on an itellectual level, conversation isn't lacking, there's physical attraction and the whole deal. so why am I so doubtful? I suppose because I'm paranoid about becoming an obnoxious needy stereotypical girl. Unfortunately I have been that to others in the past and refuse to ever play that part again. I'm so much stronger now, more confident and comfortable with myself as a person. Anyway, my point is I'm scared to let him know I'm sincerely intersted because I think it will freak him out and send him running in the other direction. I can make my intentions known without actually verbalizing my feelings. And I'm pretty sure at this time in the relationship- whatever time it might be- is too soon to bring up any of those concerns. Is he seeing anyone else? Does he care? Does he not want to hurt my feelings so he won't tell me he doesn't want to hang out? it's so ridiculous to hear myself think like this. basically I'm so afraid of rejection that I'm willing to do it myself, before anyone really gets the chance. I've dated a plethera of losers over the past year and I'm tired of not caring about anyone. anyone in that way I guess. yes I have friends and have plenty to do without a guy to entertain (that sounds really harsh- it is me that wants this. )but I miss that connection. I want to be in love again. but who doesn't? I suppose once I stop wanting it I'll find it. that's the way of the world sometimes. yeah but about him. it is what it is and if it doesn't work out than so be it. plenty of fish in the sea and all that. but he does have some potential. enough of this. it's making my head hurt. I don't like that my stream of consciousness has turned into more of a "dear diary" than anything else. I'm sitting in the student microcomputer facility among my fellow longhorns at the moment. I wonder how many of them are doing this assignment right now. maybe none. everyone's in their own little worlds. deep inside their thoughts or their research. everyone seems so disconnectced, though I suppose that's the point of this place. a quiet area to get work done, not social hour. I'm about to go to ecology evolution and society. I've been reading the assigned chapters, but I fear that I'm not actually retaining any of the information. I guess it will become quite apparent when I get my first test scores back. all I want to do here is to do well. it's the only reason I'm living in austin again, to continue my education. so that's what I aim to do. make the most out of the billion things I have to accomplish today. cross them off my list and get them out of the way in order to make room for all the new. life is pretty enjoyable when you don't let it drag you down with the minor negative aspects. so many people do that. drown in their own self pity and reamin miserable regardless. just smile sometimes, it really can make you feel better, and probably someone else as well. that's what I think, but this mind of mine is all over the place and never seems to rest. the end. my time is up.

0

0

0

0

1

1

god I can still remember it. the last time we did that was at our graduation party. one of our friends that night was a real bitch. the party even though their were 4 of us had to have it her way. but she is going to live ion McAllen for the rest of her life and of course the next time I will see her is when she is taking my fast food order I am so happy to be here the guys are a big improvement from where I'm am from tall and cute a real McAllen novelty. oh and the cafeteria guy is the best so far. this Friday I have instillation for apo. I hope I have a good guide. the person I liked left this week my friend still has her guy I had a good time at the football game although I had to relearn all the cheers I had a great time I finally got my disco ball to work I would love to put on some relaxing music and turn it on I could really use some me time right now I would love to have more than 10 minutes free at a time and more that twice in one day. of track roommate is here so the topic is toes my feet are retarded the littlest toe kind of curls under good the air just clicked on I really hope to have a good time this weekend I hope their is another party I had a great time this past weekend. the parties were a lot of fun is time up yet god I hate ok don't hate it but dislike it its playing right now and boy does it all sound the same only eight minutes left I wonder how my brother is its his first year in high school he didn't even get any of my teachers, he never does I hoped they would give him a hard time but no luck I am so tired yawn dinner was good haven't had micky d's in a while I tried not to eat today but finally had to take out the time to eat tomorrow should not be that long of a day I am going to relax and watch TV I need to go to Wal-Mart and get foot things for my shoes yawn I hope someday I get to check my mail soon we still have no either net god two weeks and nothing just trying to make time to do this is a big problem without a working computer. I hope I get to see the cute guy tomorrow I hope I don't fall asleep in arch and society two more minutes left my poor friend got grabbed by a guy today and I am proud to say she broke

0

1

0

0

1

9

Right now I am really hungry. I would go eat right now but I am going to run with the marathon team tonight. I ran cross country in high school and was pretty good but I did not run during the summer. Lets hope I'm still in shape. Probably not, I'm going to have to start back at the beginning with two or three miles and work my way up again. This stream of consciousness in not fun. My thoughts are coming out too fast for my to type. It's like when I'm writing an english paper. I'll get a great idea in my head then not able to write it down fast enough and I forget it. Good thing you aren't checking spelling and punctuations and stuff life that. I hate typing on the computer, well not typing but talking on the computer. The I'M stuff instant messaging. My roommate keeps asking me questions while I'm doing the writing. She talks on I'M all the time. She spends more time in the room on the computer than I do and that's hard to do. She wakes up in the morning and turns on her computer to see if anybody is online that she can talk to. It's 8 o'clock in the morning does she really think anybody is going to be on. I never liked talking on I'M and I've tried to. I think many of the things I say are sarcastic and it is hard to show that what you are typing has a sarcastic tone. So I pissed of a few people even though I was being sarcastic. And it could be that I am quiet and don't talk that much unless it's about sports or something. I'm weird, I think I'm the only girl in the dorm that likes to watch football and other sports. I have always liked to watch sports. And I pretty much know that I am the only girl that likes to play football on play station 2. I've always liked playing video games. Like right now I have Grand Theft Auto Vice City on my computer. It is a lot of fun. I love playing. I see it as a stress relief for me. When I had a hard day I'll start play the game run from the cops then feel better. I am able to do things in the game that I would never do in real life. I would never be stupid enough to run from the cops in real life and that's why I like to do it in the game because I can and will not get punished for it. The people who go around saying the game should be band because it is violent and gives people bad ideas make me mad. Even though there are people in the game you can tell they are fictional. All the cops look the same, all the pedestrians look the same. You can tell that this is not real life. If you are running from the cops in the game you can drive around and pickup police bribes which lowers your wanted level and less cops chase after you. Now I know that does not happen in real life. There are clear distinctions between the game and real life. I know those distinctions and would not cross them. Some bad apples that were probably high or drunk anyways that ran from the cops and blamed it on the game should not ruin if for other who think the game is fun.

0

0

1

1

0

6

I feel as if my life revolves around a world full of unanswerable questions. I cannot seem to find what it is that I want out of life. There are so many options and turns where I can easily decide to follow, but I am so inconsistent of what I truly feel passionate about. I wake up in the morning and step outside of my dormitory daily smelling the fresh air. Everyday it seems as if there is something I have not witnessed before. I need answers to my life. I am a person that does not go through the day easily without understanding why things are the way they are. I am a first year student at the University of Texas and I have been bombarded with hundreds of organizations and choices that will lead me somewhere in the next few years. Not only academically has this burden faced me straight on, but I am confused about a girl I have met as well. As with the hundreds of organizations, there are hundreds of girls I see in and out of my classes. Do I really want a relationship so soon? And further, can I handle a girl that is apart of the Greek system knowing that I will never have a desire in joining one in the future? It is so hard to choose a path when you analyze your choices to death. For instance, if I decide to discontinue dating this wonderful girl just because I will not be able to tolerate her constant consumption of alcohol and nightly partying with other fraternity guys, will this decision have been the most appropriate one? Or is it possible I may be a bit too judgemental of her capabilities of being a loyal girlfriend? In addition to my social life, I have to maintain some arbitrary schedule which will be beneficial for my personal needs. Like many others, I have been set loose from the world I used to know and I am on a path where I control my line of travel. It is realistic yet frightening at the same time. All my life, choices have been easy. And if I was faced with an extenuating circumstance then I always had the parental feedback to support my decision. I am creating a life. It is not just any life; it is mine. I am on my own. I have waited for this moment for a long time. And now, I do not know what to do with it. Is this normal? Have I overlooked something? Is it humanely possible to beg and plead for an entity such as freedom and once it has been acquired to not desire its power as much? I am eager for the future and ecstatic for what is yet to come. I hope I am joining the right organizations that appeal to me. I also hope I will stay academically strong as I was in high school. And further, I hope I will have made the right choice with the girl I met. I have faith that I will be led in the right direction.

0

1

0

0

1

9

I mean, there were many questions about over eating. of course everyone wants to lose weight that is a given. and the thing about the spiders is just plan dumb. oh but my friend on the fourth floor asked me to go up and kill a lizard for her. when I went in to the room she was on top of a chair with a flashlight shinning at the lizard. it was hilarious. and it wasn't like the lizard was huge. she was just really really afraid. man, I have a lot of homework and studying to do. I came here in the summer and I always had reading to do and now it is like I have 3 times the work. it is very cold right now. my room always stays below 60. oh man, I woke up at 11:00am to the sound of someone drilling!! I was very upset. it lasted about an hour and a half. I have a lot of laundry to do. my clothes are all strung out on my floor. I wonder if anyone is going to read this besides the psychology department. I don't think any normal people would want to read this. you know it wasn't until this previous year that I learned how to spell psychology correctly. weird huh? I just never took the time to learn. my sister went and watched saving private ryan. she said that it wasn't any good and that she hated and the killing. and now she will have a test over it on monday. she said it was hard for her to pay attention. for her sake I hope she paid good enough attention that she passes it. I had the same english teacher that she has right now. I won't mention any names but she is a really hard teacher. she started out as a dean of students at sul and then she went to my old high school. she was really hard and expected a lot out of us. I found that I like the challenge. I think that someone just had a wreck. I'm sitting here typing and I heard screeches and then a bang. I heard that this morning, only it was a bigger bang. I didn't get up to look. I was very tired. I hope that everyone is okay. my room is very cold!!! I wonder why they set the thermostat so low. here it is in the summer and I'm sitting in my room with sweet pants and a long sleeve shirt on. I normally have on a sweater. you know, I wonder what everyone else will be typing about. I decided not to worry about capitalizing my words because the instructions stated to not worry about grammar or sentence structure, which is great because I'm not that good with grammar and sentence structure. I wish we didn't have to type for 20 minutes. I have been going for 13 minutes now. I hope that the next seven minutes go by fast. to whoever is reading this, how many have you read? I wonder if there are any interesting. I think that psychology could be interesting. I just don't like some professors. for example, in my exercise physiology class I have this proff that just kills the class. not literally, but it is a very interesting class and I have trouble staying awake. I wonder if I chose the right major. I mean I like physical therapy and all, but I think that I would rather be working with cancer patients. I wonder what people are writing on this thing. I wonder if someone is treating it like their own personal diary. I have four minutes now. after these four minutes are up I'm going swimming. no not really, I have to do homework. I have a big concert to go to tomorrow and I'm trying to finish all my studies. you know I use to never use the word studies but for some reason it just came to my head. I like to write papers like these, no grammar, no structure just typing. I like to type I can type over 70 wpm. I'm currently looking for a job. and so if the person reading this knows of any available positions that I might be good for, you just let me know. I have one more minute left and I plan on finishing at the time I am suppose to. I bet that some people don't type for twenty minutes. I could have typed for 10 minutes for all you know. for some reason at the beginning of this assignment I was thinking about things to type but not any more. obviously. well my time is up. peace out.

0

1

1

1

0

14

It is 12:53 on Tuesday and my roommate and I just finished eating lunch and came down to the computer lab to work on our assignment. My computer in our room is not hooked up to the Internet yet, so for the time being I have to come down here. That's ok. The guy just came over because we forgot to give him our IDs. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, I'm really sad lately. I miss all my friends from high school. Everyone I've met so far has been really nice and everything; I just miss how close we all were last year. I could go anywhere, to any school function, and see people that I knew and would feel comfortable with. Here, it's not that there are so many people - it's just that there are so many people that I don't know. Every face that I pass on campus is another stranger. Actually, I have seen a few people that I know from other places. Earlier today I saw Brittany. But it's just not the same as walking down the hall and knowing every single person. I was so comfortable there. I don't know. I should probably be writing on the other assignment topic, since I'm going off about high school and college and what have you, but I'm kind of just blabbering so whatever. I am ready to be comfortable with lots of people again. I miss my comfort zone that I had at Anderson and I want it back!! Hey! I just looked at my watch and it has already been ten minutes. I guess I can't really say that it's been ten minutes, because of that guy that came over. It's probably been more like seven minutes. I don't like this keyboard. It's kind of hard to type on. This assignment is actually harder than I thought it would be. I mean, it's not hard, because I'm not really writing on anything in particular, but it is kind of hard to think continuously for twenty minutes. I think it's crazy that so many Anderson people are in my psychology class. It also freaks me out that Alex is in our class. Since you don't know about Alex, just let me say that he is the most intimidating person in the world. I think underneath that tough guy Russian thing he has going for him he's really probably a very nice person, but I don't know how easy it is for me to look past the fact that he actually chased someone with an axe on the last day of school our junior year at City Park. So I wouldn't fail Alex if I were you. He might come to your office with his axe (do you spell it "axe" or "ax"? I don't know) or his machete or any of his other assortment of weapons that he totes around with him. I would really like to get to know him though - I think he would be an interesting person to get under his skin and see what he's really like. Not to mention the fact that it would be cool to have him be your friend in case someone was giving you trouble. I think that time is probably almost up, but I would kind of like to keep writing. I think I will. The temperature in this room is perfectly comfortable. I don't know where that thought came from. I am scared about having to write papers. What if my professors don't like the way I write? I've always loved to write, but I like writing creatively. I'm pretty bad at comparing and contrasting and all my research papers are boring. I mean I got good grades on them, but later I'd go back and read them and be like "Hey did I actually write this? Yuck. " I think I'm probably being hard on myself. I wonder how many times I have used the word probably in this assignment so far. I bet a lot. I hate when people don't know that a lot is two words and not one. I wonder what Angie's deal is. She used to be so nice, but ever since Dis and I rushed she has been so rude. That's her problem, I know. And it kind of always justifies the fact that I didn't like her that much. I always had to act like I did, and she was nice enough, but just something about her has always rubbed me the wrong way. That's what I told Brian. Brian -- what to do about Brian? I wish I knew I wish I could have some answer. I hate leading him on the way I did the other night, but that just seemed unavoidable. I know he needs me and that's what I love about him. When I'm around him I feel special and needed and important. But I just don't know if that is enough.

1

0

0

0

0

16

right now I am feeling tired and a little burnt out. I have had a quiz and a test this week so I ve been stressed out. I haven't taken my chemistry test yet so I'm nervous about that. I have studied but I don't feel prepared. It's cold in our dorm room right now. It's cloudy outside which is how I feel about certain aspects in life. I'm not sure I will accomplish my goals in life. Though I know that if I give it my best effort that there is nothing more I could have done. No one is in the room other than me so I'm feeling a little lonely. Not too much though. Sometimes it is nice to be alone. I have always enjoyed being alone everynow and then. I feel like I need to relax. I didn't get tickets to the game this Saturday so I'm pissed about that. I did get tickets to the OU game though so that made me happy. I like to listen to music. It also helps me to relax. I'm listening to music right now as a matter of fact. I have a heavy course load, though not too bad. I know that if I quit that I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I think regret is probably one of the worst feelings in the world next to loneliness. Loneliness you could almost always fix, but regret is much harder to deal with. Time is going by too slowly, I think I'm running out of stuff to talk about. It does feel good to get your feelings out and onto something like paper. Sometimes I think it would be better to write out all your feelings on paper so that someone wouldn't have to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life all the time. But other times that's exactly what you need. My favorite TV show is Scrubs. The main character portrays me down to a T". Watching Scrubs is another way I relax. I'm not necessarily worried about my chemistry test, or at least not to the point of where I'm dreading going. I know that all I can do is my best. I know I've talked about this but I love music. I can feel it in my soul when it plays. I can feel the song. I can feel the notes, the rhythms, all of it. I can close my eyes and just get lost in a song. It's weird, I know. My time is almost up. I'm hungry. It seems like now that I'm thinking about how hungry I am that it is taking longer to finish than it did before. I'm writing this at 9:15 a. m. That's not necessarily early in my book but it is definitely too early to do this. I have a lot of reading to do. I'm happy to be at UT. It's what I have wanted to do all my life. I want to be a doctor. A heart surgeon actually. It seems like its going to be tough. Which is no surprise. I need to buckle down more. Next week, It starts. What is it you ask? It is me buckling down and going hardcore on my classes. 2 minutes left! This was easier than I thought it would be. 1 minute left. I almost forgot to write this. That would have sucked and I would have been pissed. But I remembered so I happy. I feel better writing down all this.

1

1

0

1

1

27

Simply amazed that someone has seen to it that I make it this far without more than what I have experienced that is comparable to adrop in the bucket considering that sometimes I could give a damn about what is best for me for the simple fact that I'm in it for the everything I can get only at times it's entirely too much to compute at once. boy, where has the trrain of thought gone to? Maybe it left to another place out of sight but never to be out of my mind becaause it seems to me that I'm already there. I suspect that everyone else is in their own way. that's why we are told everyone is "special" when we ae too young too know exactly what that means. I'm glad payed attention that day. Uh oh. here it comes again. jealousy rears it's ugly head signaling for the dogs who are no less guilty of the crime than the one they persecute with their fingers crossed in vain hope wanting our hero to sacrifice his integrity for ideals of what was considered to be right by those who were so afraid of what it was they were dealing with that they confined themselves to an ignorant prejudice. well them fools can stay there and pray they never realize exactly what they're missing until it has already become a haunting unidentifineable thorn in their calloused side. Brains bruised with ignorance rather than blessed with memories of the world they restricted themselves from and feared to the day they wished they had not been such pussies. I cannot pity them, I have no time to devote thought to their rancid exsistence. I have my own to look after. I'm here know and those who would seek my friendship will have it. and those who seek my love will find it. and those who desire my trust and confidence shall not betray it or I shall strike down upon them with the fury of a thousand chained hatred's fire until their very soul.

0

0

0

1

1

3

Okay, let's see. I'm really really stressed out right now over Calculus. I feel like I am doing so horrible in it. I made what I consider to be a pretty crappy grade on the homework that was due last night, and all it was was a review. I got a 75. 7. The homework before that I got something like an 85. 3. My goal as of last night is to make a B in the class for the semester. I'm really worried about it though because I really have been studying hard and it seems as though the hard work isn't really paying off. I just need to find some people who know what they're doing to study with and do the homework with. That'd be nice, but I don't know anybody. The only other class I'm seriously worried about, ironically, is this one, Psychology. I don't know what to expect yet all I keep hearing is about how hard it is. I love psychology and am really interested in the material, but I'm still extremely apprehensive. I guess I'm just worried I'm going to do really bad or something. I want to have about a 3. 5 GPA or higher. I don't rightly know how that whole scale works, so I'm not sure how hard that is to do exactly. I'm just so stressed out it seems. This weekend was my birthday and all my friends wanted me to go out and do things, and that's all good, but I actually wanted to stay home and study. I really have been worried. I haven't been really social either. I'm normally a fairly sociable person, or at least I think I am, but lately, I've just been studying. On top of that, I never really make much effort to meet the other girls on my wing, or go out with new people, or even meet that many people in my classes or anything. I have to admit that I have made a few friends, but I guess I had some preconception of my coming here and just being bombarded with cool people and making really awesome connections. I haven't really done that yet. I still get depressed and my eating habits, though better when I first arrived, are starting to diminish fast. What really sucks is that I've found out a way to binge and purge here as well. I was hoping that living in a place with a communal bathroom I would have to stop all that, and that it would be a great leap for me in my recovery, but I've found a way. It's horrible. I see myself slipping more and more each day, and the old thoughts of how easy it would be are starting to come back. I really do hate myself so much sometimes. I feel so worthless. It's like in Calculus, I've been working my ass off and I'm still doing shitty. I don't have any friends, I don't have any self-esteem, and I have horrible social anxiety. It's so bad sometimes. It's been worse lately. Like today, I feel fat and ugly, so therefore I do not look up when I walk, I don't make any attempt to talk to anyone and when they talk to me I have to pretend to give a shit and be perky, whereas I feel so pressured to say something of meaning or something funny or something that's even remotely interesting that I end up saying less. I just hate it. I have nothing to be afraid of, that's what they tell me, but that's just the way it's always been. I hate being alone, and though I'm not really depressed, or at least not as much as I have been in the past, I'm just so damn lonely. I just want someone who I can talk to and laugh with and do things with. It always seems as though I have nothing. The only thing right now in my life it seems is my education. And I work and work and work, and even then it doesn't pay off. Or at least that's how it feels. I know what I am doing, I know what I am, and I'm trying to conquer it, and I've been doing damn good all things considered, but it's just so hard sometimes. I'm going to try and go to a rush function tonight at the business school for Alpha Kappa Psi. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. I know I'm going to have to get drunk before I go otherwise I'm not going to have anything to talk about or even talk to anyone. It's so horrible. There is no difference between me and the person I am when I'm wasted except that I have no inhibitions and I'm not afraid to be myself. I don't think about what they're going to say or think of me if I do this or that. It's still me, I just can't be me unless I'm like that when I first meet someone. All my friends like me for who I am, but most all of them I met when I was drunk. If I had met them sober, maybe we wouldn't have been friends. Thinking about how I'm typing this makes me think it doesn't make much sense, but it does in my head, and that's all that matters here right? I'm pretty sure that's the point. It doesn't matter if someone else can read it and make sense out of it, it's just that I know what I'm talking about. AAAHHHH! I feel so frustrated. I don't know what to do. I'm worried about the thing tonight, I feel fat and ugly, Calculus is depressing me, and then Psychology is just scaring the shit out of me. I hate the way I feel. It's as though everything is bearing down on me and I don't know how to control it. I can carry the weight, but I am having an extremely hard time and I don't want to be carrying it. I wish it would just fall off. I just need to calm down and be more focused. My goals seem so hard to attain at the is point. Help.

1

1

1

0

1

29

okay so I'm sitting here in the computer lab in simkins dormitory hall, realizing that I cannot type very well. how embarrassing to keep deleting. it is so hot in here and I hate macintosh comps. I wish I had a laptop in my room. I wish I had money. my roommate brought a computer, and a tv. I feel like the poor one in the room. I actually decided to do this assignment now because my roommate has two guests over right now. they are two very nice girls but I just wanted to get away. I just barely got back from houston at about 10 and I need some alone time. what a weekend I had. my friends tiffany, and diana and I went to these auditions saturday for a winter guard called emblem281. a very renounced performance group. anyway, it is a very fun group a kids and I was really excited about the audition. I first and foremost am a dancer. since the audition consisted of dancing and flag work I excelled in the dance portion. my flag work was not bad either. don't you hate when you want something and everybody says, oh you're going to make it". and then you don't? that's right, tiffany and diana made it and not me. it is because I don't spin rifle and I know the instructor wanted a male rifle line. it is pretty sad. I really wanted to be in this group that just has so much fun together. but what really hurt the most is the fact that I feel I fail at everything I go for in life. let's start at the beginning of my senior year in high school. I tried out for drum major and was told I'd make it no questions asked. I made it to area auditions on my french horn and was told I'd make the all-state band no questions asked. I wanted to be section leader for marching season and ended up not as the president but the vice. came to college didn't make the ballet class for my major, don't have a spot on the field for the band's chicago show this coming game, and didn't make it into emblem. wow. I feel a lot better. it just sucks to be me right now. but I always pull through with God's help. or do I just get over it? my hair is starting to itch. I think I should shower tonite instead of tomorrow morning. I wonder why do we itch. what is the explanation of an itch. are the nerves freaking out and by scratching does that friction calm the nerves back down? I think about the reason things happen often. like why do our joints make the cracking sound? something about the releasing of air or something. I forget. I must go to sleep soon. I have to get up for dance class at 8. yeah tell me about it. my mom bought me all these groceries so I don't have to worry about walking across campus to eat all the time. I love her so much. even though money is tight, she always makes a way for me. I will never forget the strings we had to pull for my high school prom. okay time has expired. this little assignment makes me feel I should get a journal. I just hope I have done this right. Ii aiming for an 'a' in the class!

1

1

0

0

1

25

I miss my best friend. My other friend could care less of my existence since he has a woman now. I am so unorganized, and I can't type for shit. I am definately frustrated and scared. I am scared that my classes are going to be extremely hard, but most of all, I wish that I did not have to decide on my future. I have no clue what I want to do with the rest of my life, and that is a really big decision. I wish I could just travel the world and never look back. I really wouldn't mind being a bum, as long as I was in paris. I wonder what Lestat is doing right now. I have so much to read and do, but I just never find the time. THe time is just sitting there waiting on me, but I have yet to find my way. Organization is a good thing to have. Something I do not aquire. Figures. I want to meet some really cool friends, but for some reason, I don't think they are here. Maybe I should have moved to Boston. Now I will prolly never go. Figures again. I paused to think of what to say, and a really bad word came to mind. Again. I don't know what to do. I'm a dork magnet. I have zits all over my face, and the cute guy next door has yet to be seen. Figures. Ambulences. I hate that sound. I find it very annoying in the middle of the night. Gas. Roommate - uncertain. I was hoing for some drop - dead woman, and get a sad little home-schooler. Oh well she says. Well, it looks like my time is up. . C-you.

0

0

0

0

1

1

I guess I have to tell you about how I feel right now. I feel awful. I don't know how to spell that. I am just so depressed at the moment because of everything that has been going on right now. geez what to type. I hate katie. she is an evil person and I wish that I had never met her. I am just so tired and exhausted. I don't' want to go do anything. I don't' want to go do anything. my head hurts. wow this is harder than I thought it would be. I keep messing up on my typing and it really sucks. I don't know what Professor Pennebaker wants me to say exactly. how do u spell hmmm. ? I just sighed a big sign of frustration and now I want it gone. I miss my best friends so much it's not even funny. I really wish I was home right now and they were with me so I didn't have to deal with this right now. what do I say next. I know I wanted to say something but I can't remember what it was. haha this is too funny to me for some reason. typing what I'm thinking in my head is funny, but it actually makes my head hurt. I guess that's because I'm typing in the dark. go me. I wish this was over. I wish this was over. I wish this was over. I want to go home. I want to go home. I really don't know what I want right now, but I know I am sick and tired of feeling like crap. I have a sore throat, and I have no idea why, but it really hurts. And I , and I , come on come on come on. what was I about to say? um. oh right I used to be such a happy person and I was until I moved out of my room and now feel like this big outsider that no one wants to associate with. It is really killing me inside. I feel like crying everyday and I have no idea what to do. I was such a happy person in dallas. seriously! nowadays I just sit in this room alone. I know I wish I had a roommate so I could talk to somebody! I really don't like not being able to communicate with the people on my old floor 15. I mean now I feel like I'm betrayed and so much of an outsider that I don't' want to do anything or be anything at the moment. I haven't felt like this since high school where all my friends went to the other school, and I wasn't the pretty enough girl to talk to. Katie sucks so much you have no idea. She is the biggest bitch I have ever met. I wish I never met her. no I just have nothing nice to say about her. it kills me because I don't' want to be the person who hates people because I used to judge people so much back home that gosh I don't' know I don't want to be that way here. I really want to be liked and have fun and just be who I want to be but I can't do that now with this thing thing THING just hanging over my head like a bad mother f**king migraine. I am not typing that. I guess I just did. I don't know what they'll think of my cussing but that is so how I feel right now. I've talked to counselors and people and more people and more people and my mom and my mom and my mom gosh my mom and mom and mom and mom and mom I could keep going on this if you would like but I don't think you would because I would just type mom for like 20 minutes if I could. I don't know why I just said 20 minutes I think that's funny because that' how long I have to do this. gosh kill me now. I'm just so tired mom mom mom mom mom mom MOM MOM MOM MOM I really hate my mom right now for making those freaking phone calls. all she ever does is not listen or listen too hard. there is a hair in my nose. how do you spell aew no oww like the pain feeling? I don't know. I really don't' care I just want to finish this so I can go scream and cry and jump out that freaking window. I don't even know why I'm saying this stuff because I'm not suicidal I'm just pissed off and don't have any other way to stop my feelings. I don't' know how to stop my feelings. I don't' like typing and thinking at the same time tickle tickle tickle because then I have to say everything twice so I can type it out because I can't type very fast. I have bad grammar, and my mom would hate that right now especially if this is for a class which it is so I guess she would hate this. my arm is tired from writing so fast. my head my head my head my head my head my head I can't find the h key so I almost typed yeatd. hahaha my leg hurts too and my back and my head and my neck. my leg really hurts. it's tingling now.

1

0

0

0

1

17

Some of this Indian music my roommate listens to is O. K. The American songs she listens to are cheesy ones from the 80s, except the U2 song she likes. I could see Mike Patton covering this song. It is good for a pop song and he could make it sound really good with his voice. But I guess he is discerning in choosing which songs to cover. Kind of like a music snob. Who knows. I wish there was someone here who would have went with me to see Richard Buckner tonight. I would have gone alone but I am kind of afraid I would be the youngest person there, and I wouldn't have fun and it would be a waste of $10. And a waste of time because I have to study more. I spent too much time studying for Speech and not enough for some of my other classes, although over the weekend I will have LOTS of time to catch up on studying. Unless my friends keep coming over. I wish next year my friends will move to Austin and we could share a place or something. They have a lot more freedom than me, it is unfair. It was decided I would go to college before I was born. For some of them they knew they were never going to go. I think expanding your mind in college is good though, there is practically nothing else I could do at this age besides get a minimum wage job or try to become a manager at a grocery store or something. My managers at the grocery store were pretty young, I suspect some of them are saving to go to college or something because they are taking classes at the junior college. I guess I am very privileged to not have to worry about money for college. I still feel guilty spending any money that I haven't earned at a job. Some of my friends who are not well off and are not going to college do not feel bad about asking their parents for money and not even have a job! This song is horrible. I wish I could be ruder and tell my roommate to stop talking and not play cheesy music. I hope she doesn't see this. I don't think I am well suited to be in the Business School. I am taking a class which involves marketing yourself which for some reason is very depressing. Do you really need to take a class on eye contact? I more admire people who have made their way in the businesses world accidentally. Not like pumped out of a school. Like David Geffen. He almost failed high school I think. But somehow he is good at running music companies. Kind of depressing like a Kurt Vonnegut book. Marketing yourself is a very depressing concept to me. The teacher in that class is sickeningly sweet. Kind of crazy but I think I can tell that I am not suited to be a business person because I think my class where I have to learn how long to hold a gaze is creepy. I don't want to be taught how to suck up to corporate business people! I do not care about money very much, just as long as I don't have debts. I would live very simply in order to just not have debts. I would feel very bad if I did not pay my parents back by raising me. I don't want to buy a BMW. I wish I had more guts to find something else to do. Why haven't I made any friends from my dorm? It is hard to find the kind of people I like to hang out with, laid back, good taste in art, and what else? It took me a long time to find some good friends in Kingwood. I really should make friends instead of waiting for them to make me. Story of my life. PLEASE PLEASE STOP SAYING YOUR HOMEWORK OUT LOUD I'M GOING CRAZY. You better go home this weekend, roommate.

0

0

0

1

0

2

*****Why does this keep going to the left instead of down a space at the end of each line Prof. Pennebaker?????************* As I sit in this library, I can't help but notice the pleasure I get from the quietness. It is the same feeling I get from sitting in a park or on a golfcourse. Perhaps even in a bookstore. The quietness provides my mind with an escape from the everyday world of horns, traffic jams, and yelling. From this feeling, my mind seems to work on a smoother track, with less obstacles to overcome before I can finish a complete thought. If the world was in a complete silence at all times, or perhaps even if I were deaf, I believe I would be wiser and would be able to formulate thoughts easier. Does this mean that deaf people actually have an easier time getting by in the world? Or is their inability to communicate too much of a burden. Maybe this is what's wrong with today’s world. Communication lines are so mixed up due to language barriers and different types of slang that the world is like one large deaf fishbowl. In that case, deaf people WOULD have an easier everyday life because they would be minus the struggles we all go through with communication. If communication were an easy things, and we all saw eye-to-eye on all issues, achieving things such as world peace, business agreements, and compromises would be no big deal. Where did the communication lines go wrong? Why did humanity branch out into hundreds of different languages and tongues when one universal language could have eliminated so many problems. The answer to that will most likely never be found. This girl sitting to my right is awfully attractive, but I can't muscle up the courage to talk to her. Is it once again the problem of communication, or does this have to do purely with a lack of courage. I would like to think it is a communication problem, but that would probably be just a lame excuse for not talking to her. Of course it is a lack of courage. Although I know she won't bite my head off, slap me, ignore me, or flat out dis me, I still am too much of a coward to begin a conversation with her. What if she knew what I was thinking right now. Would she be flattered, embarrassed, insulted, or just flat out shocked? I guess I'll never know, unless I ask her. We both know that isn't going to happen because we've already established that I'm acting like a coward right now. No big deal, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Wow! I can't believe how fast twenty minutes just went. Writing without structure is a lot more enjoyable then writing with it, and as they say: Time flies when you're having fun!

1

1

0

1

0

26

Okay. So I need to write what's on my mind. Right now all I can think of is that chemistry test I just took at 9:30am this morning. It was my first test in college I was scared as hell before I took it because I was scared I would run into problems I didn't know how to workout and I would not pass the test. Now I'm sitting in anxiety for the results. I keep going to the site to see if the results are posted yet. I have butterflies in my stomach. I'm trying almost anything I can think of to get the test off my mind, one of my choices being going ahead and doing this assignment, but it only makes me more anxious. Goodness I feel so behind in my classes and I don't know why I mean I have work to do, but they aren't due for a while and I got time to relax, but can't. Again that stupid test is on my mind. Why does it torture me so? I'm sitting here praying I will get an 'A' on it because I gave it the best shot I could have even if I had studied continuously the whole week, I wouldn't have been able to do better. I guess partially out of regret for waiting to study until the night before, but there wasn't much material to learn and there was nothing new on it for me. The entire thing was a review for me from chemistry II my junior year. My stomach is in huge knots and I feel scared for some odd reason now it's like some sort of intuition or warning signs are going off inside of me bad warning signs and I don't like it. Those warning signs usually mean I'm in trouble for something, but I don't know why yet why I could be in trouble. I hate not knowing things. It makes me feel so vulnerable and I hate being put on a spot like that. My gosh I hope I didn't fail the test, otherwise I'll be in so much trouble it's not even funny. I just relaxed my shoulders and they hurt now from being so tense. I wish I could relax right now. Maybe I'll go work out to release some of my stress as soon as I'm through typing this assignment I still have 9 more minutes according to the clock. Man, I really hope I run into Siddharth today again that boy is really cute! But one thing puzzles me does Alvin like me? He always notices me and waves, but last night, he was like with me for a long time and kept saying how everyone is going to think there is something going on between us BULL CRAP THEY WILL! I think he wants me to think that they already do and might as well go with the flow the way he was hinting it. Man! that test, but it's not that anymore I feel like I'm in trouble and I don't know why is everything okay at home? I sure do hope so. Why do I concern my self so much everything will be okay no? Hey! need to write my cousins I really don't feel like writing Sonu now, I'll write him over the weekend when I go home. Man I've gained so much weight it's not even funny. but anyways my 20 minutes are over I hope this assignment is long enough I don't want to get in trouble for quantity this assignment is so weird and it scares me you just write what's on your mind I've never done that I've always had to think what I write and it's terrifying because any minute I feel someone is going to jump and say its wrong and I'll get a zero.

0

1

0

1

0

10

Well, since I don't know how to start, I'll start by talking about my weekend. I just about killed myself learning how to slalom ski. We started Saturday. Buck, Carl, Dylan, Kevin, Crystal, and I went to Lake Georgetown with my new boat. I made it my goal to learn how to slalom ski. I actually got up on one ski relatively quickly. The only problem is that it hurts when you fall. I broke my nose the first time that I fell because I kneed myself in the face. I spent the rest of the afternoon learning how to keep my balance and how to jump. The only problem with Saturday is that Crystal and Carl got into a fight. They've been dating for a couple of weeks now. Anyway, we went back to the lake Sunday and I kept trying different things and now I'm pretty good on one ski. And it is a blast, I'll never go back to two skis. Sunday night I played the role of mediator for everyone. I talked to Crystal about Carl and I talked to Carl about Crystal. They are trying to work things out, but it is going to be tough. Then I talked to Danielle about Buck. Danielle is one of Crystal's friends that started hanging out with us. She liked Buck a lot. Buck wasn't sure how he felt about her at first, but he's starting to like her. Right now they have bumped their relationship status to dating. This is good because they make a good couple and they make each other happy. At least as far as I can tell. But I did a lot of talking and more importantly listening Sunday. I think I helped smooth everything over with them for now. Carl and Crystal seem to be getting along better. I missed classes Monday because of injuries that I received over the weekend. I broke my nose, twisted my back and my left knee, and got a terrible case of whiplash. I couldn't even get out of bed Monday morning. I'm starting to recover though. I had to go to work Tuesday. I work at Internet Gateway in Georgetown. I love working there except that I don't get paid near what I should be getting. I make $9/hr. That should be 23 times more, but I only work 2 days a week anyway. I was working full time but I decided that since I have to go to school, I should make it my top priority. I didn't want to go to college, I'm not sure that I want to now that I'm going; but I know it is for the best and it makes my mom happy. That's really the only reason I'm going is because my mom wanted me to. Actually my whole family was pushing me to go. This is OK though because I know that they only want the best for me and a college education will help out tremendously later in life. Especially when I start looking for a better paying job. Although, college has been really fun so far. I have had my own house since this summer. Buck and I are roommates and we are renting a house in Georgetown. It is a lot of work, but it is worth it to say that I have my own place. Buck and I met at work. His dad owns the company where I am employed and he started working there during the spring. We have gotten to be best friends and we hang out all of the time. He is a good guy. We have a lot in common too. I've been lucky in that regard. I have a lot of good friends, and several that I can depend on for anything. It is a really good feeling to know that I can trust someone like Buck with my life. I've also been very lucky because my family is very close and we all can depend on each other. My stepfather bought me a truck for graduation last year. Robert, my stepfather, is a great guy and my mom and him make a very good couple. Well, I've put over my 20 minutes into this paper, and I have to go back to work now.

1

1

1

1

0

30

I can't believe that I waited until the very last minute to do this. I've never beem so crazy stressed out of my mind ever in my life. I just couldn't find 20 minutes in the last seven days where I could just sit down when I wasn't totally fried. I hope that this dose not bode poorly for this semester. I think I can oull it out. This Festival I can't believe that Cinematexas is almost here in two weeks my life will be totally different. . Having only had eight days off this entire year is just insane. . I think I'm holding up but I feel that I coming apart now. I think that's what I scared about. This year I've really pushed myself tothe limit in terms of what I can do going jback to school crazy extra curricular stuph I've learned so much. Mostly about what kind of person that I am. What am I capable of. Which is some great stuff. But I'm not there yet I 'm almost there though. It's weird in my film classes when people look to me and vthink that I'm a T. A. or look to me for help. It's strange I guess people see good things in me. I like that annd I do the same thing. . I gues I'm just used to people being more aloof I hope that I'm not that way. some of the people that I have met at this festival have given me that instant companionship. That instant love and that's so great. . I guess when people are looking to me for answers wheither it's about their cameras of their relationships I guess that means I'm becoming the type of person that I want to be. . That's a great reward in itself. I smoked again two nights ago. I have to stop after quitting for two years I can't fall of the wagon and go back to that. . It was only a few cigs (one fantastic Nat Sherman MCD the very best) I can't let this girl. well she's not doing it really. I can't let the tantrum I'm throwing:) over this girl mess up what took a long time ito acheive I feel like a hypocrite when I smoke now. I don't know I just get lonely filled with self pity overwhelemed and I just want a catharsis. . smoking is sort of one. . I don't know I need ito stop again I don't think I 'll go back to the way it was but it's still scarey. I really think thigs are'nt as bad when I have a second to actually relax and evalute things I feel very good. . like the night before class tabling at the show I realized how many people I have met in the last year how many close friends that I'm making and have made and how important that I've become in certain peoples life and how much I'm going to be doing in the near future. It's all going to be worthwile I think I just feel impaitent it just seems like I've been waiting for ten years to get the chance to do what I want to do. what's going to be the best for me. and every BS class I have to take or everytime some jerk in Communications office is rude to me and everytime I'm treated crappy at work it's just one Bergman-esque humiliation after another. sometimes I hope that my artistic spirit doesn't die the death of a million pinpricks. . I really like this kind of writing it's been pretty theraputic, but I have to go

0

1

0

1

0

10

College seems very stressful. It's not like high school where you are playing only to get into college, now, more or less, you are playing for the rest of your life. It seems rather dramatic when you think about it. How can an eighteen year old hold the future in his or her hands. That seems rather demanding. However, the possibility of greatness and success can motivate five- year olds, it seems. Anyway, 40000 people is certainly a lot to contend with. Pressure seems to fill the air everywhere. Not that I mind it at all. I kind of like the atmosphere that engulfs Texas. The attitude of "wanting to learn " is beneficial to everyone involved in the higher education process. High School seems like a distant memory now that I'm here. It's extremely hard to imagine that only a few months ago I was a Senior. Man was that fun to say. I enjoyed every second of my senior year, but this year will be so much better. Thinking of the Princess Diana tragedy. . She was a wonderful woman. I think that outside her death, the biggest tragedy to come out of this deal is the fate of her children. I couldn't possibly imagine the stress and trauma of losing my mother. That's seems incomprehensible at my age. I look now to the rest of the school year. It seems so intimidating right now. I don't know how the courses will be and I hope that my work ethic will stand firm. I think that my favorite quote is "Greatness courts failure" I don’t think there is anything more true in this world than that. I first heard it on Tin Cup. What a great flick. I saw Boyz in the Hood last night for the first time in years. Outside of the young boy giving the Reagan Bush '84 sign the bird, the movie was spectacular. Funny how there were riots in Los Angeles on the night of the movie's premier. That seems odd. The movie is very sympathetic to the myriad of problems in South Central, LA and automatically, there is public outcry. That's like riots in Scotland when Braveheart was released (Didn’t happen, but serves as a sarcastic counter point. The best movie of all time maybe Braveheart, but the best movie of last year was Jerry Maguire, hands down. Good love story and date flick. I recommend it to anyone who reads my babble here. Furthermore, it is imperative to realize the implications and the modifications of absolutely nothing. I just like typing implications and modifications. Do do do a da da da. Theme of a funny commercial I saw yesterday, one of the many considering how bored I was. Slothfulness can certainly be enjoyable, though

1

0

0

0

1

17

I can't ever seem to remember my passwords. And this lack of remembrance has really started to effect my disposition. Everytime I try to log on to a computer, I can't remember one password from the other and it has gotten to the point where I just want to kick myself in the head. Most of the time I just want to lie down and go to sleep. People keep on staying over in my apartment and I just can't get any sleep in the night. I can't survive with this for much longer. Sometimes, I wish I was going to a faraway place where no one knows me and I can remain anonymous forever. I don't have to wash dishes for my roommates friends or clean up after anyone. I also wish that my parents would trust me everyonce in a while. I know my limits. I care enough about myself and my future to not screw it up. Before, I didn't care about much anything but lately I've come to realize this lack of compassion, even for a moment, has adverse effects. I've come to realize that every second matters and every second can be utilized and it is only when you are satisfied that you were ahead in some way this second than the last is the only way to truly be content. Humans, especially the ones here, are really ignorant of some basic kindness. They seem to forget that they are not the only ones with feelings. And they also think that they know nothing of what they are doing to you when they know perfectly clear. Butterfly in the sky. I think most birds can fly twice as high. I was sitting in the chem auditorium in welch and it just hit me the magnitude of this university. It's freaking huge. there are more people in that auditorium then in my graduating class. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get carpel tunnel syndrome. All this typing since the last 5 years constantly plus all the ones in the next 50 years will have some sort of negative effect. I want to dye my hair brown. but then I'll be just like every other Indian. there are more indians here than in all of the rest of america combined. After caucasians, indians seem most prevalent. dell and gates signed a deal for a huge merger. it was one of those things which I don't really care about. everyone makes fun of gates but I don't see why. the man is worth billions. he could have people killed. at the moment, there's no one I'd like to injure severely, I think I just might want to kick a few of them in the head.

1

1

1

0

1

29

I am wondering how I am going to type because I do not type very well. I also think that you are going to think that i am stupid for misspelling words and what not. i feel anxious. i do not know why. i feel stressed beyond belief. i want to got to sleep right now. i am wondering what i am going to type next. i try to write in journals but when i write about my feelings i go off on tangents, like writing my stream of concsiousness (however you spell it) i feel as though my mind goes a mile a minute and i want o verbalize, write/type, etc what i feel or think but i think that my body is too slow. like i start to studder, or i am not able to formulate my thoughts completely, i don't type fast to keep up with my thoughts. i have a fear about writing, i do not know why. some insecurity i must have developed and know it makes me really nervous to the point of where i begin to sweat and feel . i do not know? today was the yr anniv of 9/11, i thought it weird that one of my prof kept referring sept. 11 as 9-1-1. i thought how strange is that, how strange that prof is in general. there is osmething about her that is really weird. i hate to be so judgemental, but there is somethiing weird there. i had a wonderful conversation with my mother today it was great, i love her we talked for about an hour. i talked about my fears and growth as a person. she seemed truely interested in me. i feel that people are not interested in me (except my bf, but he gets on my nerves) like i talk to people and i want to get to know them, i ask questions, and people just love to talk about themselves, but as for me, i do to, but no one seems to care (except my annoying bf, he seems to want to know everything down to the second. this is him calling me right know on my mobile, how weird!!!! i told you. he wants to talk to me every five seconds, he is like a girl or something, always wanting to know what the hell you are doing. i hope this has spell check on it because i know i have probably mispelled a lot of words. don't you hate it when someone sends you an email or something and there is a mispelled word on it? i feel really embarressed for that person, so i never want that to happen to me so I always spell check, but i guess i can't this time. i am not that stupid. or am i? well i have about 2 min left, it wasn't that painful i thought i was going to be staring at a blank screen wondering what the hell to write. the 20 mins went by really quickly 10, 9, 8,7,6, 5,4,3,2,1 yea!!!!! its over! not bad, eh? enjoy

1

1

1

0

0

28

I even went to summer school here in the Preview Program and I still find myself in amazement sometimes. I am adjusting well-- a great deal better than my mom. That could be because college is something I knew I had to do and the University of Texas at Austin has always been the place I wanted to be. My classes are okay. I have a sort of messed up schedule. I really cannot complain. Tuesdays are the only days that totally messes with my mind. I cannot seem to get signed up for a research experiment in Mezos. I have went by a numerous amount of times. I like to get things done ahead of time. I am just now doing this because the lab is always full. I am too lazy to go to the one at my apartment complex and when I came to the lab yesterday I totally messed up on the waiting list procedure. When it asked for your name, I put in my name instead of my if account. so I couldn't log in and it assigned my computer to someone else. When I used the lab over the summer I never had to get on a waiting list, so I did not know. I did get quite embarrassed though. I did it right today. But I guess I did not anticipate doing so, I did not bring a disk. As far as I can tell though I don't need one to complete this assignment. so let's see, school is doing fine. I am having roommate trouble a little bit. I live off-campus and I have 3 roommates. Well, 3 of us get along fine. But one attends ACC and she is 17 years old (boy, does she act it). Well, that is the only thing that is bothering me. I am stuck with her for a year. She lied to get in our apartment and now we are stuck with her. Oh well. In my Philosophy class, which I just left by the way, Professor martinich is so interesting. He wrote two of our textbooks. He' s real perceptive and insightful. I am taking Philosophy of Religion. There are about 150-200 people in the class, so we have SI Groups. I hate my SI. We are supposed to discuss and we actually get graded for it. But, I don't fell comfortable doing so. I love to talk and I have plenty of opinions, so that's bothering me. The only thing I can come up with is that when talking about a thing like religion everyone comes into the discussion with strong opinions. Like last week, we basically argued. I made a comment and they looked at me like," Boy is she stupid. " I don't like that. Even the TA acts like he has his own views and those that are against the grain aren't worth listening to. He questions your comment and accepts others. I don't know. I am thinking about talking to Dr. MArtinich. I guess I'll give it one more try. that was just the first one. I shouldn't get counted off for being in an uncomfortable environment.

0

1

0

0

1

9

Right at this very moment I am feeling very anxious and very stirred up. I am thinking about everything that is due this week and I am very nervous. Not the good kind of nervous that keeps you on your toes, but the kind that makes you want to vomit. I am sitting here typing this paper and not really knowing what I am going to write next. I am kind of stuck right now on what to type, but the assignment calls for us to write exactly what pops into my head while typing, and I guess this is it. I am thinking that I should be someplace right now I think that I may have missed something important all of a sudden. That is really scary. I hate that feeling. I am really tired right now and could really use a nap. I tossed and turned all last night and couldn't fall asleep. I woke up about every hour wondering where I was and if I had overslept and missed my class. Man I need some sleep. I really want to go home now, I am tired of this school already and I haven't even been here a week. I keep telling myself it will get better, it just has to, but I am really not sure of anything at this time. My life has been turned upside down, I have left the comforts of my house to come down here, and apparently I am supposed to be educated. I really don't think that I am going to be too much more educated than I already am. I think that college is just more of a matter of survival than skill. And I am paying plenty of my hard earned money to go here and be tortured like this. Man I wish my parents had enormous amounts of money so I could just come down here like some people and just play and have a good old time, but no I am here and I can't flunk out, because I am not able to drop any courses, or else I will not be considered a full time student. If that isn't stress I don't know what is. Anyways that seems to be my thoughts about the grand University of Texas right now. I have a feeling it might change within the next couple of weeks. It had better, or else I may not make it here. I considered just up and walking out and never coming back. It kind of seems like a bad idea. I am thinking also that I should not be having to write this paper if nobody is going to be grading it. I think it is a waste of my time. But apparently it isn't if it will help my grade. It seems really pointless to me that I have to write this paper for nobody. These walls are really green and who puts green and white carpet to cover walls. Walls are not supposed to be carpeted. I am the only person that is writing a paper right now and I think that I am being really loud. Nobody is saying anything but I know that they are looking over here watching and looking to see what I am doing making all that click click of the keys on the keyboard. Spanish is really going to kick my butt! I do not really comprehend anything and how I don't want to go to that class after I write this paper. I have about four minutes of writing left. What joy it brings me knowing that I am almost done with this assignment. What if I have done the assignment wrong? What if this is one of the papers the graders actually read and they think that it is bad and they give me a big fat F for my grade. ARGGGG! I think I am going to give myself an ulcer by the end of this semester! It seem like all I have on the brain is School school, school. I get to go to the Football game this weekend. Matt is going to come home and I get to see him. I guess that will be some fun. I am glad that I don't live in Stephenville. I need to call him either tonight or tomorrow and see where I am supposed to pick him up at on Friday. There is a picture of a paper clip with a light bulb over its head and it is winking at me. That is really irritating. They really need to take that off of the computer program. Who ever comes up with some of this stuff? I wish I could just sit in an office all day and come up with ideas about different things. I think that would be fun. I really need to spell check this document now. The weekend is almost here. What fun. The paper clip is asking me what I want to do now. A talking paperclip, who would have ever thought.

0

0

0

0

1

1

I don't like computers really, they are kind of a pain in the arse, but things are getting better, you know, people learning new things, new methods of compression and technology makes you stop and thinks when is a computer going to be too fast. . my parents are okay too I guess they just aren't in the "loop:" as one might say, always having to show them how or bring them up to date and shite, but . . school's fun, math is not okay. Ani difranco is awesome I'd love to meet one day. lot's of people listen to her, why should I be the only one to get to meet her? carl thinks he can play bass, but he can. why? why does jimmy stink? why do people love anime so much? ani is a hottie. often in class I find my self fantizing about what is would be like to meet her. just hang out with her and stuff. be all buddy buddy, get a fone call everyonce and a while and just see hwo things are going down. making sure she okay, even tho she's married, I don't' think it will last, she's too free and out will mr. difranco is never around always at home, I think it's first love syndrome. oh well. patty is awesome, she's soo cute and so funny, and just awesome in everyway, she's not that much younger than me either, she's very smart, and did I mention cute? wish I knew what exactly she thought of me, wouldn't I be wierd if who if anyone ever is reading this comes up to me in class and starts commenting on what I wrote? that would be too freaky, this college is kinda stupid. first of all I'm not 18 yet so they won't let me get the fancy shmancy email account yet the other day they let me get a 2000 dollar loan which I have to pay off in 3 months or they sue me . . wacky oif you ask me, but then again who is? this campus is so huge no one knows anyone around here, none of the professors, none of the students, you smile at someone and immediately your somesort of wack job walking down the street stoopid people keep bothering me, don't they know I'm trying to write? bno respect I tell you, none from no body not my parents, not my stoopid facking roommate who thinks he's my father, him and his girlfriend I tell yoiu, first of all they are not very pretty people to begin with and then they are always here having sex and dammit it get annoying, always trying to include us. not leaving alone when I don't want to ber apart of the picture. always is it okay if I don't this or we're goint to have sex now don't oing tin to the bed room I don't' car ego and getr phreaky don't tell me about it. ican't ccare less, I just bugs the hell out of me when they decide, "well jason is feeling left out of our circle of love lets include him" and I don't want to have any thing to do with them and when they are togheter it's fucking discussing. they act like fuckingh middle schoolers. always hopping and bopping about acting all like "I love you" I love yout oo let's have babies. holding hands and licking lips . never a moments rest of it, it's enought to make you want to grab the rifle and end it one way or another. dammit . and carl always talking about how big his phallus is. I mean it's okay every once and a while. like on vacation and stuff. but every five minutes? him I can tolerate, go figure. ben used to be cool now he's just a useless pain in the arse. justin is pretty cool, but he's always going on about how everyone's gay and they should be proud of it. I mean it okay but when he tries to convince mne that all I know is gay everytime I see him it gets fucking annoyimg, maybe I get annoyed to easil, not really things don't tend to annoy me, just stoopid peole. people who don't know when to stop being stoopidn and take stoff as their own and well start being just there. I wish scarlett was here sute she did some questionable things but she was really cool about evertyhing I can't fart but carl can like the dickens pikachu, polemon is funny , tell you when they ge to talking and stuff it can make your day, everything just falls in to place and you think to your self you know at least my vocabulary issn't just my name that would proabably suck. just jas ja jja jaosn on on jaos jaoson jaosn would get too annoy anyone eventually. what about people named al tnow that would suck for them. a a a a a all al al llll l l al al dman now speech for them. ca ca ca ca rl rl carl car lr rl rl it's pika chu dalkt and would about those foregin peole. to summ it all up I hat my life

0

0

0

0

1

1

When I first heard about our first writing assignment, I figured it would be very difficult because I am used to writing about a specified subject matter. But hopefully I can take up these 20 minutes by talking my day or how I feel. Actually, I think I'd like to start out by expressing my thoughts about the pre-testing we were required to do. It was amazing at how some of the questions completely reflected me or something that I might feel or think. I also learned a little about myself, my self-esteem, and my self-confidence. Well, I don't have much of either (self-esteem/ self-confidence). Hopefully, by living by myself and taking care of things here in Austin I will develop these traits. When I first came to college, it was very terrifying because all my life my family and friends have always been with me and even taken care of things for. I almost had no experience about 'living on my own' and 'taking care of myself. ' I mean, I knew how to do my laundry and the essentials, but when it came to asking others questions or figuring stuff on my own, I was not able to do it. For example, I hadn't even ordered pizza by myself! So I naturally hesitated to call up the pizza guy because I wasn't sure of what sizes or deals they had. But I quickly learned here, that YOU have to take initiative and most importantly, no question is stupid. In fact, the question I probably ask, someone else might benefit from it. So I think I have grown a great deal in that aspect while here in college. In addition, I would always do everything with my friends. And upon coming to Austin, I feel/felt very lonely because all my close friends have gone to other colleges. Usually, I'm not very extroverted and won't 'go out of my way' to find a friend. So these past few weeks, I did not let myself do that. I very bravely went up to random people and made pretty good friends with them. This was very rewarding, in that, I don't feel as lost in such a big university, and I'm greatly improving my interpersonal skills. This is a characteristic which I will need for my expected major. I'm still not too keen on what exactly I want to do because when I think about it, I want to do/be everything, but when I think about it again I don't want to do a single think, and be totally carefree! But I think I'll try to keep up my original enthusiasm. I'm thinking about business or communications--at least it's narrowed down THAT much. But I still keep changing my mind in these two subjects. I don't know if I should blindly follow my dad's advice or at least try to see what interests me. Because architecture originally interested me, but my dad would know better and told me not to do that. So I'm really confused about that. Hopefully, I will learn more about myself through my college journey at UT.

1

0

0

0

0

16

Writing about the stream of consciousness is really not my thing. The only thing I understand is that I am suppose to put my feelings and thoughts as of now, on paper. Well, what I am feeling right now is tiredness. Last night I only had 5 hours of sleep and I am really tired and sleepy right now. I figure, since I have time to kill, I better do it completing an assignment that requires action and movement to keep me awake. I am suppose to meet a friend for lunch at 3 o'clock and it is merely 1:30. As I said before, I really need a nice comfortable mattress so I can take a nap. Other than feeling really tired and lazy, I am also feeling happy. I am glad that I am where I am and grateful for my parent. I realized that that last sentence really didn't make any sense. Oh, well. In a way I can blame the tiredness I have inside of me on myself and partially on my cousin. I blame myself because I stayed up late on the phone talking to the friend that is taking me out to lunch today. Then I can blame my cousin because she wanted me to take her to get her immunization shot. Then what turns out is that the clinic we went to did not operate immunization. Which brings me now to understand that I am frustrated as well. Being that the clinic that we went to, didn't do immunization, I am going to have to wake up early again on a different day to bring her to another clinic. I really, really hate waking up early. No matter what it is for, it has to be pretty important for me to get away from dreamland. This seat that I am sitting on right now is really too high for me. Either that or I am really short. The seat is so high that it has my legs hanging off the ground. Which really sucks because it is making my knees hurt. They feel sore now. The truth is, is that I am really not that short. I am 5'4", so that is about average. Anyway, I realize now that writing about your consciousness is really strange and something your think about at the spur of the moment. Trying to put every- thing down is kind of frustrating when you cannot type as fast as you think. Well, the 20 minutes are up and I have to run. I don't want to bore the person who will be reading this. Although it is already boring as is.

0

1

1

0

1

13

Ok I have to type for twenty minutes straight. This is kind of odd, I've never done anything like this before so I don't quite know what to do! I should be doing my economics homework but forget it, I'll do it later. I don't even understand it anyways. Calculus is a pain in the back too, I'll wait until Monday to do that homework. I can't wait to go home this weekend and see all my old friends. It's been a while since we've all hung out. I hope I don't miss any really good parties this weekend, but I probably will. In a little while I have to go take a shower and get ready to go out with the girls at the house. We'll probably go to 6th Street or something like that. I'm glad I finally get to go out tonight, I've been sitting in my room for a week straight. Ok I'm bored and am running out of things to say already. I have nothing else to think about right now! Full House is on the TV and I'm getting annoyed with Michelle whining. Why is the TV on this channel anyways? I guess my roommate put it on. I'm glad she's gone right now. I needed some peace and quiet. I'm getting real hungry I hope Danielle wants to go eat soon. Gosh I still have another load of laundry I have to do before I leave tomorrow. I get to sleep in until one tomorrow because I don't have class until 2. That rocks. My room is so messy but I'm way too lazy to clean it right now. It's dusty more than cluttered. Oh well, I'll get over it. Hold on my phone is ringing. It's my boyfriend Matt just saying hi as usual. I wish I saw him more. It's a lot easier now that I'm in Austin but it's still not the same as living in the same town. Oh I totally forgot that he can't go to San Antonio this weekend, looks like I'll be without him again. I really need to catch up with some of my old friends this weekend. We need to party and hang out like we used to. I might end up going to the high school football game if there is nothing else to do. I just don't want to look like a hasbeen with a bunch of high school students and then a college student just chilling out there. Ha ha that might be pretty funny actually. I'll get Robyn to come with me so I don't feel too stupid. Oh I like this song. I wanted to go to the concert but the tickets were all sold out. Speaking of tickets I never did get the Dave Matthews tickets for the September show in Houston. I can't believe I forgot to get them. Now I'll never get tickets. Looks like I'll miss out on yet another awesome concert. At least I'm in Austin now. No good bands come to San Antonio, so I'll get to go to plenty of concerts here. I still haven't gotten my stupid Ethernet Card yet. I went to the computer store earlier but they didn't have any more for laptops. This stupid thing isn't worth all the trouble! This song is so annoying. I need to find that remote control right now. Much better. I think this is Matt's CD. He has plenty of mine so it's ok if I don't give this back for a while. He won't miss it. Ok I really am so bored and hungry it's unreal. I need to take a shower but I'll just wait until this thing is done. Two more minutes. I can do that. I want to go dancing tonight. That sounds like fun. None of my friends back in SA want to go so I'll find some of the KD's to go with me. My room is so crowded with pointless junk. I should take some of it back home this weekend but I probably won't just because I'll forget or something will come up. I need to get this roll of film developed sometime soon so I can put some new pictures up. I'm sick of looking at all these old ones. Well my time is just about up for this thing so bye bye for now!

1

1

1

1

0

30

College is so cool. I really can't remember the last time I felt so many emotions at the same time. I've already met so many incredible and different people I can't even begin to describe all of them. I am definately having mixed thoughts about having a boyfriend at this moment because of all the new people I have met and would definately like to meet, get to know, and date. My boyfriend is totally mad because he is so jealous. I hate jealous people I wish everyone would just, I don't know go along with it. I ate the grosests food in jester cafeteria today and had the weirdest conversation with two very interesting and cool guys that I have already met from camptexas. That was like almost the most fun I've had in a really long time I'm so glad I decided to go and wasn't to scared. I was so scared about coming to UT because it is so big and I just didn't know if I could adjust after going to such a small catholic school. I'm so glad to be away from old people and meeting knew ones. High school was such an almost horrible experience, I hope college is so much better. So I'm in this room with these two guys, one who I met at camptexas and he looks exactly like the guy from rookie of the year he doesn't know it but I have this incredible, horrible, obssesion with him. He is just the hottest guy I have ever seen. So I met this really cool guy from tarytown in New York which is like the place I've been obssessed with since forever. He is a guy I would really like to hang out with. This other guy who is rookie of the years roomate is totally obssessed with Britany Spears I really can't stand her but I think it is just because I am so jealous that he likes her more than me. And Drew has almost naked women pictures all over his wall that makes me very jealous and I was just thinking about jealous people. The music is blasting in my ear I don't know who it is. Drew complains a lot about college ruled spirals and needing more space. I really hate that my roomate and myself don't have much in common. Everyone else seems to be like best friends with their roomates I need a really good girl friend to hang out with. Or maybe I'm just ment to have guy friends. I guess it would be okay with me I get along with them better. I think classes are going to be really fun and not too hard. Which is really a relief because I though it would be really hard. I've seen so many interesting people. I miss my parents like crazy and my dogs and sisters. I would never trade this experience for going to UTEP that would really suck. I really miss my friend Bianca and Anne. I think for labor day we are going to San Antonio if Anne and Lianna and Vero come up. I was thinking about Noodles the other day I wonder how she is. This is got to be one of the funnest assigments I have ever done. I really think I might double major whith something in Psychology because the human mind is an incredible thing. Well my 20 minutes seem to be up that kind of sucks I guess I could really write forever I need to go write my parents and some friends e-mails and then read a little for Biology and probably go to sleep I'm really tired.

1

0

1

0

1

21

12:58 whoa. Audrey's mom died? Is that what she just told me? WHAT? Oh my gosh? How? when? WHY? Audrey. She's so cute, she's so sweet. she's so smart. number one in her class and this happends to HER. why? I really don't get it now I feel like I am never going to fight with my parents again. never. did she now that this morning was the last time she'd ever see her mom again? what if her mom knew that today would be the day she died. how did she die? in her office!? they found her in her office at SMU? I cannot believe this. There is no way I could ever handle this. But I would have to, wouldn't I? Audrey is, and this is giong to change everything that will ever happen to her. It's just her and her dad now. How would it feel to get a phone call telling me that my mom was found dead? what is it like to die? what was she thiking, did she feel and how she'd never see them again? did she even know she was dieing? what happens now? Audrey. I'm so sorry. I really am. I'm sorry that it takes this tragedy to make me realize that I'm not ready for anything. I'm ready for college, I'm not ready for independence, I'm not ready for the "real world", and I don't think I'll ever be ready for death. how does it feel to be ready for death? I read somewhere that maturity means the ability to accept the concept of death. no. I don't think so, because that scares me more that I ever knew until now. now audrey has to say that her mom died when she was 17. NO! I feel so horible, I wish I could make her feel better. and those three teenagers that died while mobing down here to UT. How does their family feel? Thyey wree probably upset enough that they were saying bye to their children, not knowing that'd be the last time Ever. I'm so scared. I want to go home and build a big box and live there forever with my mom, and dad, and brother. when am I going to die? I don't want to think about it. I'd rather die than anyone in my family. but if I'm not scared of it, then why should they be. wait, but I am scared. but I fear it more for others than I do myself. if everyone thinks that way, then maaybe it is okay. I don't think that death will ever be okay, but I'll hope and I'll pray that maybe someday I'll be able to understand I. I'll have to wake up tomorrow and realize that there is nothing that cannot happen.

0

0

0

0

0

0

well it's 13 min. into my writing and somehow i erased everything that i had. sorry. anyhow where was i. I wonder if i should stop hanging around with sisters this semester. That would be really hard I don't think i could do it. I need to be around them. I wonder who i like the most right now. Is it abby? Yobel? still caroline? I wonder if abby would ever hang out with me like one on one. I'm pretty sure yobel would, but she's so young. It doesn't matter to me really but to other people it's such a big deal. I wish all that stuff i had written hadn't of disappeared. what did i do to make that happen? now the reader's going to think i was goofing off while i should've been writing and made the whole disappearing thing up. i wonder if it'll let me go on for more that 20 minutes. why would it have a fishish button if you were supposed to write for the entire 20 minutes. do some people write shorter. I want to find out but i don't want to push the button cause i may not be able to go back. I wish i had't burned my tongue yesterday. I hate it when i burn my tongue. I wonder where yobel is. I'm starting to get if for her i'm afraid. And when i get it i get it bad. can't i just go one semester without liking somebody? time's almost up. well i guess i'll contunue writing a little longer since my first part got erased. how did yobel's legs get so muscular. They're awesome. I like the way they make her walk. I wonder if i should've sat by her on the bus today. We could've talked for twice as long. I'm glad i waited for her afer i got off the bus. It probably hinted to her that i like her though. nobody else knows that. should i keep it that way. can i keep it that way? i hope so. It was horrible last semester with caroline. everybody knew. I hate that. i got to keep this one in my head. in my heart. Maybe i can teach her volleyball and she could teach me soccer. she seemed pretty impressed when i told her about my volleyball class. I wonder if she likes me. Maybe she thinks i'm too old. I don't look old though. I bet peter hogan looks older than me, and he's just a year older than yobel. If anything happens that wouldn't be too much of a problem. I wonder hwere peter hongan is now. why did he disappenar after he got his breakfast? well if i'm not going bowling i guess i can spend money on breakfast. I wonder who will be there in the cba . i wonder if yobel is there right now. i guess i swing by and see. I'm sure i'll see somebody there anyhow

0

1

0

1

1

11

I guess it's just freshman blues, but it seems to me that everyone here knows their way around and feels comfortable. I miss my family and home a lot. my courses seem pretty easy except my psychology course. I didn't realize how much I had forgotten of the precalculus I took in high school. I miss my high school crush. He comes here but I haven't seen him. Oh, well. I can't wait for this week to be over. I get to go home this next weekend. I was extremely bored here in the dorm over this past weekend. there was absolutely nothing to do. I don't know what else to write about but the assignment said not to stop so I guess I won't. I just realized something about myself, I can't let myself misspell a word even though the assignment said not to worry about errors. I am getting slightly annoyed by some of the people in my hall. They are very loud and I haven't slept well the past few nights because of them. I really hope they don't get loud tonight. I really need a good night's rest. My chemistry teacher is so funny. Not because she has a great sense of humor because if she does I wouldn't know but because she has this thick French accent. it's just refreshing to hear someone that sounds a little different than everyone I know. Speaking of which, it is extremely difficult to meet people here. Sure everyone seems friendly but there are some very rude people as well. I guess I'm just too shy for my own good. I don't suppose I'll ever grow out of it. I didn't use to be this shy. I don't know what happened. I wish I could graduate from this place already. Granted, I've only been here a week and a couple of days, but I was recently reminded how much I hate school. I think I've figured out a way to graduate in three years with my ever so special degree. I hope I make a lot of money when I graduate so I can rub it in my brother's face. He graduated from college about two years ago and he thinks that because he's making thirty thousand dollars per year that he's rich. well I will hopefully be making about forty five to fifty thousand dollars per year starting out so maybe that will make him hush up. I'm still not sure if I want to continue to pursue this particular degree or attempt medical school. I did a bunch of research this summer and discovered that almost two thirds of all those who apply to medical school get turned down. I would hate to come to the end of my four years here and not be able to continue with my plans. I would cry non stop if I didn't get in because then I would have to go and find a job and wait for an entire year before reapplying to a school. It would be sheer agony and I don't know if I could take it . Plus I think it would disappoint my parents and it would just give my brother one more thing to throw in my face. Well it's just about been twenty minutes so I think I'll go back to my exciting life of doing homework non stop and feuding with my dorm neighbors.

0

1

1

0

1

13

Alright, today was a pretty boring day. I feel really unsatisfied with my classes because they do not stirr any special interest in me. I thought I would be excited about at least one of them but not yet. I guess I am just a little mentally tired. I was so happy to get back into the swing of things and try and find my friends. Acutally I think I expreienced a fake high because I miss Mexico a lot. I was there for the last half of the summer and made some amazing friends. I miss my boyfriend there too. I keep wondering if he is going to send me the ring he supposedly bought for me. Hopefully he will. I really want it. He told me he loves me, so I just hope he does not forget about me because I will never forget about him. he was so nice to me. All of my friends like him and besides the whole , he has two kids, thang everything is alright. I learned from him that no matter how serious skeletons in your closet might be, your heart wins overall. You cannot talk yourself out of loving someone. I guess I really cared for him more than I ever cared to admit to my roommate who thought I should of broken up with him. Too bad she ended up traveling around with some random guy around Mexico who she met before our language was over. Her guy has had at least 28 partners. If anything, she shouldn't of met her lover boy in Oaxcaca, MX. As for the rest of my dating life which seems to be my main concern these days, it is hella-active, like Cartman would say. This weekend I met some awesome guys. I am waiting to hear back from them. I can still hardly believe that I gave my number to a cute waiter at Papadeaux. I must be crazy. I usually just date around. I would love to find just one special person. I also need to workout more. I have been partying too much. Mexico was one big one month long party. Now I need to get serious about studying and try to find some interest in my classes. Everything seems to be running in circles in my mind. I am constantly thinking about boys, classes, and my friends who I really need to call and catch up. I can hardly believe I haven't talked to my closest friends in a month. it really feels good to get back in touch with them even though it is only over the computer. I am soo tired. I wish I could just take a nap and wake up stress free. All of these issues running across my mind are really stressing me out. I constantly feel tense. I hope I do not end up with some horrible health problems like my dad's family. Today at work we had to take a personality test and I scored high in a section that appearred to be Stress. I do not know what the category was but it started with an S and I am starting to stress out about even that. My body hates the beginning of school because everything feels so out of wack! Man, I already need a vacation. I am too tense for a 19 year old going on 40. Surprisingly I am not so nervous about the begining of the year but I can feel the potential homework overload slowly stressing me out. I am scared about my classes and I really need to get motivated instead of nervous. Writing down my thoughts is starting to stress me out. I am going to be so happy when I can submit this and check my e-mail. Then I can hear about my crazy friends' lives and take a break from mine. boo I have to wash my hair too and that is such a chore too. I wish I had naturally straight hair and legs as built as my dad. Then I would have hardly anything to worry about. I feel like such a basket case because I hardly voice my inner thought to anyone and I can hardly stop. I guess I usually set mine aside in order to enjoy a small vacation from my life and enjoy hearing from others. I really want to talk to my friend Lindsay tonight. She helps me forget about everything and just laugh out loud and be abnoxious without being self-conscience. My laugh is louder than the average laugh so people usually stare at me when I open my mouth and chuckle a little. I saw people looking at me tonight at dinner when I laughed. Oh well. They must be jealous, yeah right. I need to live a little. In Mexico I did everything I could ever dream of doing. I climbed a volcanoe, developed a love of horsebackriding, enjoyed my daring side, and much more. It sucks to have to slow down for school and dive into reading material I would rather use as a pillow. Oh well, my studying today will pay off tomorrow. Right? right. I need to take a nap. I did not get enough sleep last night and am drifting into lala land slowly. There is a fire alarm. I have to run. It just stopped, maybe not

1

0

0

1

1

19

I am still adjusting to not being at home in Houston. I still do call Houston home and will for quite a will I am guessing. I am really glad to be at UT and aall but its a little scary. I know the classes will be very hard and that scares me a little. But so far, my classes have all been verry interesting. This summer I took a few classes at Tomball and I could barely stay awake. That is how much they interested me. Here it is different. I am not even the slightest bit bored during my classes. They definitely hold my interest. Philosphy and psychology are the most interesting to me. they overlap quite a bit. I cannot wait to go home this weekend. I miss my family, my animals, my friends, and my boyfriend soo much. I have used up four hours of calling cards already just keeping in touch. It was really hard form me to leave ecerybody back home. My parents are all alone now in a five bedroom house with no children to look after. Both my sister and I are in college already. She is a senior here at UT. I am really glad that we are going to the same school now because we never have before. But right now we are in a little tift. She came over to my dorm room the other day and waas really making me mad. She always says what I should do, what I need to do , what I should have done, and so on. We let our emotions get the best of us sometimes. I told her that she is not welcome back in my dorm room ever again. I really shouldn't have said that and I don't mean it. In fact, I really would like to see her again pretty soon. I called her yesterday ( it had been about three days since the fight) and we talked for about a total of fifteen seconds, but we did not fight at all, so I guess there's a little progress there. She only does what she does to look out for my best interest, so I should not take it so personally when she tells me that I am doing something wrong. I really don't want to miss the first football game this weekind on Saturday, but I guess I will so I can have a long weekend back at home. It will be worth it I think. There will be plenty more games to come in the future. I have to go to biology in 45 minutes. That class seems ok so far, but I know that I will struggle in there. I am really not a science person int that sense. I did alright in high school chemistry and all but that's a little different I'm sure. I hope I do alright in there. I know that computers are helpful and all, but they intimidate me a little. Everything is on the internet here. I am not used to being so dependant on computers. I do not even have a computer in my room, but hopefully I will get one soon.

1

1

1

0

1

29

it stresses me . I this what I want to do or I am finishing something merely because I feel I have to. I think this is what I want my degree in but just maybe not what I want to do seriously. I am so much happier about my life at school already. I want to meet a good guy that I can hang out with and not worry about how I look and stupid stuff like that. I just hope it happens pretty soon. I love art now. There something so mysterious about it to me. What were they thinking? Although I think some of it is sketchy as to call it some sort of meaningful piece but I guess it is to them. It is definitely one of those things left to the beholder. I am not sure if I buy into all this psychology stuff, It is a little hard to follow. We'll see. Just out of curiosity, what are they going to be able to tell about me from this bit of blabber. I bet they read a lot of weird stuff. I am normal, I guess. Sometimes I am a bit complicated but in an interesting way, of course. I do stress about that. If I am to complicated for the guys I am around at school. So many of them are just existing until their next beer. Get a life. and a job. I think I am looking in the wrong place. maybe I am looking and that is my problem. It is kind of something that makes time pass. You know, waiting for the next guy, wondering what he'll be like, if you know him already, if he has a girlfriend. I am stressing that I will have to stay up too late tonight. Couldn't stay awake in class, That bothers me. It is rude. I don't know what to say for 20 minutes. I probably won't go the whole time. I have a lot to do. I wonder what they think of me so far. Honestly what I am thinking now is not always what is on my mind so forming some sort of a synopsis is unjust. Just checked to see how much I had written. This is really boring, you know. I talk to myself all day. The last thing I wanted to do was write it down. I have to try to balance my spending every month. I have 3 weeks left and its not looking good, already. If only I had a job, I wouldn't feel so bad about asking for extra cash every month. But I don't and I do feel bad. I must go, this is driving me insane. I keep thinking about what I have to do.

1

1

1

1

1

31

A of the present I guess the most common feelings I have are nervousness, excitement, sad, and happy. I imagine that these emotions are all quite normal, especially for a first year student. I guess the first two I will talk about are the "better" of the bunch: happy and excitement. The main reason I am feel these would have to be that for the first time in my life I have "true" responsibilty, there is not a parent or teacher looking over my shoulder to make sure I finish all my work and get it in on time, it is up to me. Secondly, I am lookinf forward to the learning style of college. No longer will I be bambarded with quesitons asking about pointless dates and useless facts, I will be asked to explain the theories and ideas taught in class. The lack of this is what I disliked about grade-school. I guess, at least in my case, for eahc "good" feeling there is an oppisite, "not-so-good" emotion. Most of the people I have talked to that went off to college were the most nervous about the simple fact of being away from home, "being on your own. " I have friends as close as 20 minutes from home feeling the same thingas those 3000 miles away. But, at least as far as I can tell, I am not that home sick. THe part about being away from home is the fact that most of my friends are going to school at home. Granted I have a few friends going off to colleges that aren't at home or isn't UT, but the most part if my friends are not in San Antonio (home), then they are up here at UT, in fact my roommate has been a friend of mine since 8th grade. Even on top of the "friends" factor, the one that gets me the most is that my girlfriend is still at home. That would have to be the hardest part about coming to UT and the reason for the most nervousness and most about of sadness. Lucky for us though San Antonio is not that far, coparatively speaking, so the amount of time we can spend together is greater than that of my friends who went to other states and have a boyfriend or girlfriend in San Antonio. Although I am in the Longhorn Band, so that, at least for the fall, is eating up most of my time, but the time we do have together we enjoy a great deal, and both of our families support us so that helps considerably. So I guess all-in-all there are a lot of good emotions and feeling in me involving the change to "college-life", but nontheless there are still those "not-so-good" ones residing in me.

1

1

1

1

0

30

I wonder if they sell show posters at that let's see, I have 2:44, I have until about 3:05 to write, no that's not right, yes, wait, yeah it is, anyway, I wish I could go back to new york I remember the New Amsterdam I got to tell Sarah I ran into Margret today and that she lives in Blanton, with the teletubby wrappingpaper on the door, I should tell Jessica too, I wonder how Carrie is and why hasn't she e-mailed me back, I wonder what Julianne's up to right now. I got to get Sarah a birthday card and one for Robert too. My Girl, aww that reminds me Macaulay Culkin, I'm thirsty Sarah, I miss her I have so much work to do I want to take ballet really bad it makes me sad when I can't and I really wish I had my ponte shoes here aww daisy I wish she was here right now I wonder if she even misses me she doesn;t act like that, like she does when I get home, she could at least wag her tail or twitch an ear like Mama says awww hee hee oh I needa call Welo and Wela today and tell them hi I really want to see that album of pictures Andrea said uncle had and Sarah said Andrea goes hee hee I could be writing an e-mail for this long and not even notice it like when I write one for like I should tell Ms. Jowers about the press job, she'd be proud I still need to get my Savrola from churchill I wonder if they can mail it if I call and does she still work there? I think so I think she does I wonder if she'd write back, I could just send it to churchill I hope suzanne at least found out something about josh even though veronica doesn't say much, I wish I had some degas posters to put on my wall but I wouldn't put them up there probably, I would probably just frame them cause I wouldn't want to ruin them like my dawson's creek poster, those copy max people I knew it'! I knew that'd be the poster they'd mess up with the laminating that reminds me I wonder what kind I don't remember exactly what kind of system they used in creative writing to do train of thought for a prompt that's write, I mean right! hee hee :OP kathryn and emily, oh I have to write to her, or e-mail, that's quicker, anyway, it was some kind of system where you type random letters or something I wonder how josh is doing I really hope suzanne found something out but I doubt she did becuase that's wierd how you can learn to type and eventually not even look ath the keys like gl said, awww I can't wait till 42nd street I wonder if gl and annette and daniel will come back to do it and ay! those people are so loud! quit screaming, it's like they've never been on their own before or something no control anyways maybe I'll see if anneliese can go with me to pick out a card for sarah and one for robert and there was this one at Barnes and Noble that I wanted to get for christine, a pink cadillac, she 'll definitely like that, hee hee I can't wait till opening night that will be fun I wonder if she will be home tomorrow or tonight I hope so because I haven't written and I called the other day, but I hope she got the message, I wonder if josh got sarah's message or if he even got the card I hope so I want to watch my movies too but I have so much to catch up on. it's so cold in here I can't believe there's still like ten minutes to go, anyway, I can't wait till the a jet all the way why are you so nice to them if they annoy you so much why I can;t believe that lady sang somewhere that's so wierd like david and mr. walker and suzanne's connected in some wierd circle to all of that it's wierd like it there really fate or, people would just say I'm relating all this stuff together because it's on my mind but things pop out at Sarah without her even asking, that's kind of I wonder how long everyone else's is is it I guess it just depends how long you type snoopy awww I'm glad I brought those with me so they can sit in my dorm instead and my picture of daist mae I got to go to church this weekend too I can't wait till dc starts did I already say that, my arm' s starting to hurt Mama says it's too high like the ones at home it said don't worry about punctuation and stuff right, cause it's like train of thought I better go check at the end I wonder how many people actually type 20 min straight without stopping I'm trying anyway I guess I deserve a break but I don't want to have all this math hw in the week either I 'm so glad it's only a semester I miss Sarah I can't wait till she comes here it's wierd how all these twin subjects keep popping up I wonder if I should reread this cause time's almost up I can't wait to go card shopping it's fun I wonder if sara flores is back in town yet what was I saying oh I doubt people check over this I should prolly write to ms. hester sometime I was think ing about calling her but I don't know when she'd be there or have lessons or if I wonder how big little josh is now, not josh, but andrea's dog awww prolly pretty big by now I need to respond to ms martin's letter too but it sounded like she didn't expect me to respond for a while even though I prolly will and get sidetract I wonder what jessica's up to I have to get I'm working why don't they just say the problem instead of giving a number sarah thought that was funny when I said the computer talked I wonder if she ate with the cats today ha ha I should call her! hee he :OP well time's up I guess I wonder if I should look over this prolly most people don't but sarah says why do you check stuff so muchjust cause well time's up I guess I can stop writing now,

0

1

1

1

1

15

I am so nervous about what I got on my economics test. I know that I spent a long time studying, but I will be very upset if I don't get at least a B. I can't wait till next weekend when I get to go to Lubbock to visit Ryan. I hope that the Chili Cookoff will be fun. It sounds like it will be entertaining. I am upset that I am not going to get to Sara, though. I wish I could go to Lubbuck this weekend, but I have two tests on Monday. I am so stressed out about those test. I am going to spend a lot of this weekend studying. After I get those test out of the way I need to spend a lot of time on my english paper. I feel like I can never get caught up. I am looking forward to the Phi Psi mixer tongiht. I hope that I can meet some really nice guys. Actually, I don't care if I meet nice guys or not, I am just looking forward towards getting to go out. Lately I feel like all I ever do is study. College is so much more stressful than high school because you don't know what to expect. I am not sure if I am studying enough. At least I will be able to tell after I receive my grades from all of these tests. I am so tired. I wish I could take a nap. Hopefully after class I will have time to eat, workout, and take a nap. I am really upset that I haven't had much time to work out lately. When I was in high school I had cheerleading practice everyday. I was always working out. Now the only thing my body is use to is walking around to all my classes. It makes me feel so out of shape. Britany Spears is the best. I am listening to her CD right now. I had so much fun at her concert. It was weird to actually see her in person. I am so glad that I have been understanding my Calculus lately. At first I was worried that I was going to have to drop the class. I am glad that I decided to stick with it, because now it isn't so bad. The only part that sucks is the homework. It takes forever to do because the questions are so tedious. I am really nervous about completeing the test in 50 minutes. I can barely do one problem in 20. Hopefully they won't be as hard as the homework problems. I am praying that they are a lot more general. I hope that Ryan and I have time to talk tonight. It seems like I am always busy with Zeta new member functions and he is always busy with his rush stuff. It will be a good thing for me to be able to see him. I need to figure out which airport to fly out of. I hope the planes aren't really full, or else I won't be able to go because I fly stand by. I hate flying stand by. It is such a pain. You have to arrive at the airport at least two hours before your plane even departs. I don't know why I am complaining. It is a lot better to fly than to drive. Once I drove to Lubbock from my hometown, Colleyville. It seemed never ending. Plus the scenery was not very visually pleasing. At least I was riding with Sara, my best friend. We kept each other occupied. That was so funny when we both started singing that one song. We could not stop laughing. Another reason I don't like driving is because it takes up time that I could be doing other things. At least when I fly I can read, do homework or even sleep. When I am driving I have to concentrate the whole time. I need to go over to the business school today before five. I need to change my passion panel registration times. I am so frustrated with that whole system. I wish I could just get in the ones I wanted.

0

1

0

0

1

9

So I'm sitting here writing this thingy for psyche. I feel like a dork for getting this project done so early but I wanted to get it over with. It think it's funny that you, Prof. Penn, may read these and still have absolutely no idea who we are. It must be rough being a prof. in a big class like my PSY301. My mom is always reminding me that I didn't take it in high school and that's what I get for not taking it in high school. a giant class. It shouldn't be a horrible class though. I can't believe someone would paste something in this rather than just writing. I love writing. I've been writing a summer journal for the past 10 years and I love it. I'd love to write for a living but I just do the journal thing well. I could write a journal-type book, or a sex in the city type article. bah, there's no money in anything I want to do. listening to frank sonatra. he is very relaxing. come fly with me come fly let's fly away. ol blue eyes. man, this is going to be harder than I thought. it's only been 3 minutes and 59, 4 minutes, 4 minutes and 5 sec. ok I can't do that forever. what would happen if someone IMed me right now? would I fail the assignment because I stopped writing? I should have turned it off. yuck. I just burped. ew, I just wrote that I just burped. see, I had spaghetti for lunch and I can still taste it because the food sucks. I miss home all ready. I feel like a dork because I miss home, and I want to go home every weekend. I need to be social. I need to get out and met more people. there's so much pressure on college to be great because high school blew for me. my head itches. bleh. bleh, what to say what to say. my arm hurts now and it's only been 6 minutes and 11 sec, 24, 16. ok I'll stop for real now. I am a dork for doing my writing assignment so early, aren't I? I guess no one will know. why do I even care? I keep switching in and out of I and I. capitals that is. I never do capitals when I'm typing on AIM so why should I do it now. I don't think it capital letters. ! well well well. this better go through. the testing. pre testing that is, doesn't work yet. I hope this works because I don't have a printer that will verify that I actually did the assignment. yea for being a poor college student. actually, I live in san jac and I had no idea that everyone thought this is where the snobs live, geez. genevieve just got on. I wouldn't talk to her even if I wasn't doing this thing. ah, sharp pains in my arm. that's so weird! I guess it's the constant typing. this is pretty fun actually. except for the pain in my arm. I've got you under my skin. wooo ol blue eyes. geez I'm a dork. maybe you'll read this out loud to your classes, how mortified I'd be. I just try to blend in everywhere. I know you wouldn't be so mean to say my name, more or less ask me to stand up or something in class. wow, I would die of embarrassment. I'm embarrassed very easily. it had to be you. ah, I miss rex. rex is my boyfriend in michigan. he is really bothering me lately, and it's not fair for me to say he is bothering me. he called me last night to tell me he couldn't talk because his friends from GR came down to hang out with him, and I got all mad that he couldn't talk to me. man that was annoying. I'm not allowed to be mad that he has a social life and I don't. I guess I'm jealous? I don't think so. I don't know. I wish he would just not nap right NOW when I could be talking to him. I can be mad about that right? he COULD talk to me now but he decided to sleep. man my arm hurts. bleh I'm kinda thirsty, can I stop to get a drink. I guess I can wait 10 minutes. HEY this is my favorite frank sinatra song. Luck be a lady. man I want to do a dance to this. I want to learn how to swing dance before my wedding. there are a lot of things I want to do at my wedding, but I wanted to say before my wedding. bleh. weddings. my mom keeps telling me I'll be cut off when I get married. financially that is. she just doesn't want me to marry rex because she thinks he won't be able to provide for me, which is probably true. he really doesn't know what he wants to do. I wish money mattered a little to him. not a LOT but a little. I like this song a lot. a lady doesn't leave her escort, it isn't fair, and it's not nice. this isn't really what you wanted is it? oh geez, well, why does it matter? you probably won't even read it. why would you read MY paper out of the 2300 people that you have in your classes? 5 more minutes. I'm tired, my eyes feel so heavy. but I got enough sleep. maybe I got too much sleep. I hate that ann let al sleep on my bed, al smells really disgusting. I don't know how she can date someone that smells so disgusting. my arm hurts. bleh! my eys feel really heavy. sheish. 4 more minutes. my shoulders feel tired too. I want to go out tonight. I don't want to see major again and I don't really want to hang out with da, but I feel like I need to go out and do stuff. I'm really sick of eating by myself. really sick of it. it's the worst feeling to watch the evening sitcoms in jester city limits by yourself. how come everyone else has friends to eat with and not me? lcuk be a lady toooniiiiggggghhhhttt. wow, I'm a giant dork. WOW. how mortified I would be if you knew who I was or if you even read it, or if you *gasp* read it out loud in my class. I'd probably cry and run out. I've been crying a lot lately because of rex. a lot. I really like crying sometimes because it just lets me let it out. I had to go all the way to the edge of campus last night because ann was here with al and was doing. well, whatever they were doing. and I had to go by the river to cry about rex. well, one more minute. I hope you never read this, and I hope I get credit for it. all I ask is that you don't let anyone see it if you really do read it. that would be mortifying. and even if it is a good example for the assignment. I would be so mortified. you have no idea. ok 55, 56, self destruct, ?

1

1

0

0

0

24

So I think this is a very cool assignment for the students to complete. It gives a very good look at what we are thinking in our heads. I probably don't realize some of the things that I think. maybe after looking at this I will be suprised or shocked or some other feeling. I smell food. I just ate but food smells so good that it makes me want more. I have this weezer song in my head. I don't like weezer yet this song gets stuck in my head. I hope it gets out fast because it is annoying. my neck feels like it is rubber and just wants to fall down, taking my head with it. that would hurt. never have I done so much reading as I have done this past week. it is annoying. I do not enjoy reading much. oh well. I guess I have to do it anyway. my window doesn't get enough light through because it faces our balcony which blocks off some of the light. the apartment is nice. I get my own room and it is very spacious. I hear a ticking sound and it is not a clock. its bugging me and I think its a result of me typing. yep. I stopped and the ticking stopped. I think it is a clock but the clock is rubbing against the wall and isn't on. how ironic maybe. interesting. it stopped. they weezer song was out of my head but it came back for an encore. ill be right back sorry. blanked out for a second. the days seem to go by very fast. the weekends go slow however. I like the weekends. this weekend should be great because I will go hoome for the labor day holiday. seeing my friends from back home alwasy makes me happy. greek mythology has too many names to remember even a quarter of them. its very a nnoying. how many times have I said annoying in my train of thought. a good nap would be nice right now. I like that painting of the melting clocks. its very surreal and somehow that makes me feel good. I wanted a poster of it but they were like ten dollars. its just not worth it to me. I am a very economical person when handling money. sometimes its good and bad. a ten dollar poster wasn't a wise choice for me though. cooking. I need to start cooking more things. sure the microwave is awesome but I need to expand my cuisine. iron chef. funny show. iron chef should fight emeril. I wonder who would win. they should put those old batman captions like bam, and wham, and pow on Emerils show when he says those things. it will give it an old school flavor. flavor is good. does water have a flavor. is the flavor water. who cares its good when you're thirsty. I just wish it had like b vitamins like powerade. because water doesn't have like those sugars and stuff. or are the b vitamins coming from the sugars. ill look into it. my mouth is dry. I oculd actually go for some water right now. my neck keeps getting my head closer and closer to the table. I wish I could fly. I just saw some birds flying. I wish I could do that. where would I go. I'd probably go to some tropical climate if my body allowed me too. that would be awesome. today is the first day of the rest of my life. that quote always struck me as very cool sounding. is hould really start using my planner to right down what I need to get done. my memory doesn't serve me quite well. I want some of the energy arizona iced tea. I haven't had any for quite some time. I'm due for some. but I guess right now all I got is water. that will have to do. potpourri is such a weird word. but smells nice so I guess they are even. I bet it is fun to read other peoples streams of thought. it must be amusing to see all the weird things people come up with without maybe realizing it much. this is one of the best writing assignments I've ever had to write because there is no structure. I am a poor writer. I should practice and get help. I probabloy won't though. ill just get by onw what I can do. it just isn't my thing. donde esta el biblioteca. I need to work on myh Spanish to. hopefully I won't have to take a Spanish class. that would piss me off. I can't stand learning that language or any language for that matter. it would take me too much time. I think tex mex will serve me just fine. bien bien bien. if my phone rings right now its going to scare the hell otta me because I'm so itno righting this. I hope that doesn't happen

0

0

0

0

0

0

I don't know why. I guess I shouldn't be confused since this assignment is really easy. A sensation I'm felling at this moment is a tingling sensation in my foot since it is asleep. I'm starting to get a little pumped up now because I'm listening to a Beastie Boys song right now and I really like it. I really want to start dancing. I really love to dance and I'm feeling a little angry at myself because I had chance to go out with my friends tonight but I turned the opportunity down because I have to get up at 9:00am tomorrow because of a class. 9 might not seem early but it is for me since I haven't been getting up until 2:00pm. My hand is starting to hurt now because of the angle I'm holding it to type this paper and it hasn't even been that long. I'm already starting to get tired of this assignment. I feel like I'm going to go to sleep, rrahhh now I have a very irritating itch,. Anyway now that my itch is relieved. As I was saying, I feel tired, it could be this assignment is boring me, or it could be that my contacts are bothering me. , Actually I'm sure it is my eyes, they really are irritating me. I also feel a little upset because I know I have a couple of spelling errors and punctuation wrong, I hate it when that happens. My foot is now falling asleep, I guess I should change my seating position, but I'm comfortable. I'm just relieved that I can do this writing assignment in the comfort of my room, in my own apartment. I'm glad I'm not in the dorms or at some computer lab. I'm getting excited now because a great song just came on TV. I'm watching a tape of old 80s videos and I love this song. It's great to see the old videos again. My hair is bothering me, it keeps falling onto my ear. I just realized that I really get bothered a lot. Rrahhh, my knee is cramped so I finally moved. I wonder how my friends are doing. Are they having fun or is one irritating the other? I guess I'll find out later. Hip to be square. Sorry the song is on and had to type it on and sing along. . just pling along with the music. Hey, another typo, what do you know. rrahhhhhhhh I've got about three minutes left to type. At least I'll have it over with. I wish I could do number 2 afterwards. I've got to get everything done soon cause I waited till the last minute all last year and my grades suffered, so I'm trying to get it all done early this semester. I feel at a loss for words now, I keep going through the same emotion, sensations, and feelings. My leg will itch, but mainly I just want to start jamming to the music. Alright I'm just about done, and have got a sense of accomplishment. I don't know how long this is but it seemed like it was forever, hey Conan is on, I guess I'll cut this off, I've done the time.

1

0

1

1

1

23

My thoughts are so mixed up, I don't really know where to start. I have been really upset with myself lately because for the life of me, I cannot seem to focus on school at all. Not only can I not study, but just sitting in class, I find myself constantly tuning the proffessor out and thinking of irrelevant things. I hate this about myself, how i cannot stay focused on things that matter and how I dwell on insignificant things that I should not think about during this time, mainly my relationships with guys. I always fall for the ones that will hurt me, and indeed they do, and even right now I am interested in someone who I know will treat me bad and will not be a good person to me but that is why i think i chase after him. It's like I am trying to get hurt by these guys. I don't ever like a guy that likes me back, i only like the ones that i know i won't have a chance with or that are rude and immature. This part of my life takes up so much of my time and it shouldnt. i should focus on things that are important. i should try to work harder in school. but i dont. and this is why i am so upset with myself. i want to be a better student so bad but i cant. i hate it. i get so easily distracted and theres nothing i can do about it, i never used to be like this its just recently this has happened. no matter what, i don't try to work. im just lazy and always tired, never wanting to do anything that involves much activity. but this is probably one of the only things i really get mad at myself about, besides the whole thing with guys. even my friends tell me to stay away from them, but i just cant. SEE, there i go again, off track and thinking of stuff i shouldnt be. i guess i expected college to be different. i expected everyone to be so mature and not act like they did in high school, but honestly, nothing has changed. you still get screwed over by the same people and get in fights. yeah, its nice to have independence, but i had it at home to an extent, too. i feel like now when i go home everything is different since i don't live there anymore, like i don't fit in there and like everything everyone does bothers me because i am no longer used to it. i want to be happier with myself, i really think i am a great person who has so much to offer to the world, but i block that out often and just concentrate on the negativities in my life. why? i don't know! i always have done that, i always some how find drama to dwell on for no reason! it sucks! so im going to concentrate on some of the better things going on. friends--my friends are awesome, i love them to death, it was really hard for me to part with them but ill stay close to them, i know i will, i have to. family- i have the best family ever. they care for me so much its crazy. the love i have for them could never be measured in any way. im sitting in my dorm room which is supposed to have 4 people since it is a suite but i am alone. here its like you have to fend for yourself and no one is really there for you always like it was at home. once again, as i sit here, inside i am yelling at myself because i am thinking of all the work that i need to be doing for school. why do i punish myself like this? why don't i just DO the work and then feel good? i wish i knew how. i need motivation, something that tells me to go for it because in the end it will be all worth it when i am an optometrist and i can help people with their ailments. that day seems like it is going to be soooooo far away, 8 years!! aaah!! i feel like im running short on things to say, my head is all jumbled up with thoughts of calculus, chemistry, and boys. if i could just get that last subject to leave me alone how much easier this would be!! i worry about everything, about how the heck im going to get all my work done and do well in my classes, about my family, about my friends, about everything. its hard for me to trust people once they have broken my trust, and i worry about trusting people here because so many of them are so fake. i never know whats going on with them and how genuine they really are. but then theres God, my light, my soul, my heart. God gets me through it, God loves me, and I love God. Thank You. I'm sure this sounds like a jumble of the most random stuff, but this is how i think inside. its all mixed up and thats how i feel so often, all mixed up.

1

1

1

1

0

30

Ok. Stream of. "Come as you are. I wonder if anybody actually misses Kurt Cobain. "No I don't Have a gun"? What? this is really a dumb song. leave it to a group named Nirvana, whose leader shot himself. Blues Traveler, much better group. I wonder how many people have killed themselves because of Kurt Cobains death. That takes intelligence. Kurt's dead, life's not worth living. Why did I wait till the day before this is due to type it. Ohhhhhh I love this song. It reminds me of my boyfriend and I. "When she says she loves me". except I don't say I love him because according to every one of my friends I'm afraid to tell him I love him. Something about a fear of commitment and love. I guess it's all supposed to be Nathan’s fault, my ex, for cheating on me every day for a year and a half. oh well. " When she says she loves me. say you love, but you don't speak love". Good song. I wonder how many people actually think about the words of the songs they listen to. Oh yah, classic Sting. I have absolutely no idea what the name of this song is. I never really liked Sting anyway. I should really be doing my other homework. What do I have to do? English paper, read my classic civilization, read my English, study Psy notes, and phl notes. I guess I can do most of it tomorrow. Third Eye Blind. Where do they get names for these groups? Tomorrow is another day{Go Scarlett}. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. At least I have a decent boss for once, not some 57 year old pervert. what time is it? Wow 15 minutes really flies when your writing a paper that you can't possibly fail. I wish they were all that easy. Yah right. That probably wouldn’t get me into Med School. Medical School, four more years of college. Hopefully I can get through these first four. I can do it, because I’m good enough I'm strong enough, and dog-gon it, people like me. Well it's been a great 14 min. I'll be back at it tomorrow to do the other paper. I need to do these more than a day before their due next time.

0

1

0

1

0

10

For all of my life, I have been in control; I have been so goal oreinted and focused, but now that I am finally in college, I have no idea what I am doing. I still work hard and am still focused, but I do not know what I am working towards. Eventually, I would just like to become a house wife. There is not really anything else I am interested in. Furthermore, my boyfriend of ten months and I broke up about two weeks before moving up here. At first I had the hardest time getting over him, but now I am ok. The wierd thing is, I do not miss him, but I miss what we had; I miss what the relationship brought to my life. Sometimes it really scares me because I think to myself, What if no one else can offer me something so great as what he offered? My roomate is my best friend, and at the moment both she and her boyfriend are here. I look at them and remember the feeling that I had two months ago and sometimes it makes me really down. I do not really understand myself because I am independent and I know how to be alone, yet at the same time I want that in my life. It's almost like a big fat contradiction. If I am so independent, then why do I want to have a guy in my life? I don't think I'm explaining myself very well. Last night I just sat and thought for about two hours. There is so much uncertainty in what I am doing and where I am going. My peers have always looked up to me because I have always been the one that was going to make something of myself, but now I have no idea what I will be doing after graduation. I am doing this writing assignment and my roomate and her boyfriend are being loud. I don't think it would usually bother me, but I think the fact that I don't have a boyfriend anymore makes it bother me. I actually enjoy the single life, but at the same time, I miss having someone to share my thought and emotions with. I talk to my older brother a lot. He's 23 and lives in San Francisco. He's a really big factor in my life, always giving me advice and helping me through the rough times. I love the relationship that he and I share because we are more than just siblings, we are really good friends. Another thing that I think about is my family. My mom and I are really close. Sometimes she really upsets and annoys me, but nevertheless we get along really well. I thought I would cry when she dropped me off, but I barely even teared. When everyone went home for labor day weekend, I stayed here in Austin. I didn't want to go home. I didn't miss it yet. I always thought I would be homesick, and the fact that I am not, makes me feel sort of guilty. I miss my mom in the sense that she is my mom, but I don't feel the urge to see her, and that makes me feel guilty too. I am going home this weekend for a doctor's appointment. I think once I am home again I will be homesick. I like UT. It's wierd because college is supposed to be really stressful and I am sure that it will be, but for right now, I think college is really relaxing.

0

0

0

0

0

0

how to begin, I have started writing my stream of consciousness paper and now I'm trying to think its hard to think when your are asked to think about thought or your own thought why I feel this is a strange assignment o well I don't smell much right now but I hear the tv which I fixed last night I did a pretty good job even though I still have an extra screw left I'm watching scooby doo its very funny to watch now the commercials are on which I hate its 3 11 tonight I'm going out to eat and to the book store with my friends and maybe to an art museum I'm glad I get to get off campus the football game and weekend start tomorrow I'm excited to see the texas arkansas game as the season progresses the competition will become harder the band is a neat experience I have always liked marching and now I get to do it for a very widely known organization its a lot of fun I have only been typing for 3 minutes this is going to be a long 20 minutes there is nothing I can do to make it go by quicker even if I type slower, no I'm trying to find something else to think about, so I am disrupting my stream which is ironic that I have not really because I'm on a new one and recording it right now which is even more ironic and it will never end . until now. so her ei am looking for my new stream and hoping this assignment will be over soon so I can start my weekend and maybe get some food I'm very hungry now I have not eaten all day and I'm hungry now I need to get some food, maybe ill get some chick fil a or taco cabana or some kind of fast food most likely seems like that and cafeteria food is all I eat lately its not a very good realization drew just walked in the door he is my roommate he just asked how I watch scooby doo its so mundane" he uses vocabulary to impress people and I just wrote it in my paper to impress people. very ironic as well john ridder died today he is the star on threes company and 8 simple rules and he died on set suddenly its a weird thing I would like to live a long life and maybe die suddenly tho and not have to know I'm dying although I'm not afraid to die I feel I have a place to go though, my afterlife is set many people here don't believe in God and I don't know why it seems to me to be the only answer we have not even figured out the human brain and we dare to declare that there is no being beyond our comprehension we can be a very proud society for a people that can't stop murdering and slaughtering each other anyways I have been trying to help people understand that Christ came to give love and to break us away from sin not to tell us how to live I guess that makes me intolerant many people here feel that me showing what I believe is imposing my culture on them which I guess could be true but I'm not trying to break them from their traditions I'm just trying to . my roommate just started talking, "arafat refuses to leave, and the USA is blatantly pro-israel. "no, if the us was blatantly pro-israel world war three begins. I stopped following the conversation with california governors my roommates friend is here now and they are arguing politics, current affairs, the such, . scooby doo caught the bad guy, I'm satisfied now, man my fingers hurt and this writing is getting very tiring I wish I could be done now but I have to keep writing they are talking about proposition 12 now bla bla its very hard to concentrate on two things at once but I guess that is what college is about my physics homework is next to me I'm very glad I am understanding most of it I was proud of myself today because I finished most of my hw which is due next monday we have an exam in two weeks and I think I will do very well I also have an exam in this class and I'm very not prepared hopefully I can sit down and read through the text we will have to have read thus far and begin to see what this class will teach me I also remember that I have to do some experiment hours for this class hopefully I will have some free time in the weekend ahead to do some of them I am beginning to smell food man I am so hungry I'm not thinking about much now because I am so focused on how hungry I am and what I would like to eat yet I'm thinking about thinking about what I want to eat and so forth. this assignment is very weird because you can't have people record what they think because now they are thinking about it so its in a way rigged and it will always be there is now way like this to have people understand how they think because whenever they think about it the point is gone, the twilight zone is on now I love that show me and drew are collecting the videos of them we have 12 episodes now and they are all classic ones the shows are not only always very ironic but they have social issues of the time in them which is very good, I like them, I have seen a lot of movies lately maybe because that is the easiest way to divert myself, its weird how humans always need diversion and now when I can't even write my thoughts I have to divert myself by talking about diversion man I can't wait to see what heaven has to offer, soon enough, only 20 seconds left now I can't wait till heaven its almost here three two one z

1

0

0

1

0

18

About two weeks before I came to Austin I was already feeling the affect of college changing my life. Many of my friends left before I did and I said goodbye to all of them. I knew that it would be awhile before I saw any of them again. It feels really strange now that all the people that I have grown up with all my life are all going to new places. Many of the people from my high school I may never see again. Even though my high school was very large the faces I saw were familiar to me. Now that I am at the University of Texas many faces I have never come across before and that is a strange feeling. I kind of like having so many different people around. It just makes me feel better to know that I'm involved in such a large University. Everyone that I do meet is very nice and I am making many new friends. My roommate and I are getting along very well and I am glad that I have him as a roommate. I have seen many people from my high school, but many of the upperclassmen I knew from my school live off campus so I might only run into them every once in awhile. It is strange that I don't have a "bestfriend" anymore because all of them are some other place. The people I hang with aren't as close to me as my old friends were. I guess that it has only been a couple of weeks so far and that is just how it will be until I live around here longer. I don't really wish that I had gone somewhere else, but I just get that home sick feeling a little. Home sick doesn't mean that I miss my parents so much, but just that all the people I was familiar with are gone. I don't really miss my parents that much yet, but I'm sure that I will soon when I finally realize that I'm not living there anymore and the UT is my home now. I wish that I had a car so that I could go places around here. I'm stuck on campus pretty much all the time. Almost everything that I need is here though so that is a good thing. I wish that I could have brought my turntables up to UT, but my parents didn't want me to yet. I hope that I can DJ at some clubs when I get a little more experience. My older friend was kind of my mentor to becoming a DJ and I'm hoping that he can give me the hook ups that I need to play at places. I don't like being alone in my room especially with the door shut it makes me feel closed off. If I'm here alone I will usually keep the door open so I can converse with the people outside. They have really good study rooms in the basement of my dorm and its really good to go down there and read or do homework. College so far has been pretty much what I expected it to be there hasn't been any real shockers yet. I only choose to come to UT my senior year. My parents both went to Arkansas so I didn't really have a bias to any college. I visited A&M and UT as well as OU and some other colleges last year and that is when I made my decision to come here. I like the urban atmosphere that UT has as opposed to all the other colleges I visited. Since the time is up I better go down to the basement to study or else I won't make it into the Computer Science major.

0

1

0

0

0

8

ok, go! 20 minutes, and don't stop. what do I write about? I have laundry in the washer. I hope it doesn't shrink. band was fun. only a couple of days till our first game!!! I'm glad I tried out. Meagan and shannon are cool. they helped me alot during summer band. I wonder what they think about me. my microphone fell off. I shouldn't have put it on before I moved up here. college! cool. freedom, school. high school band. Mr. k was nice need to write thank you to Mrs. Burditt. flags, weird stuff. I'm confused. it is fun, but kinda gay. and I'm not! my only way to be in band for now, so ok. submit. internet, wow. find everything, loose sleep. slept at noon today. I need to sleep more at night. our leopard print sheets are so cool. We are damn funny. Mike is funnier. he is just plain wacky. he made callback today. I told him he would. "na, man" go ahead and check, mike, you never know. they liked your accent. Biology video was crazy! "today we are cooking leeches" Earthworm Jim. ivy had fun, too. she's having fun in Ohio. , but she misses us. I miss her too, I like talking to her on ICQ. too many people have icq, and it's messing up. my computer messes up, too. dell is cool, and their customer support is nice. makes me feel stupid. I felt pretty dumb in Calculus. missed the ques. on the review chapter! I have already taken and aced the class. Jessica is cool. can't believe she's w/ gabe. man, that stinks. I should have done something last year, but nooo, I was afraid. gotta be more confident w/ girls. I'm not a bad guy, some girls even liked me. just gotta do something about it. Library. Mrs. ritter was nice. surprised her good she thought I was snobby, everyone judges me before they meet me. "that smart guy" or "the one on the announcements all the time" "the valedictorian" I don't care. I'm a funny person, very nice, and very sweet and romantic. State solo ensemble. Leslie, that was a fun bus ride. again, should have done something , kinda late, since I was leaving for UT. Orange and white. some colors, some school pride. girl in our hall. we are such losers. not even any alcohol or girls (except Jessica and my sister) oh well, give it time. Kate is cool she came down from Baylor. explorer didn't work. Chevy blazer. ford bronco, white OJ. did he do it? I don't know, but he was proven innocent, leave him alone. LA riots, man there is so much hate. Princess Di. die. drunk driver, come on! everyone knows that! paparazzi, not only their fault. James is a total pothead and such a dork. nice when you meet him, then . Dan. I miss Dan, he's funny. need to call Dan. need to call my parents. mom misses me, poor dad, doesn't have anyone to talk to (except mom) I hope I still have friends when I get to be his age. I know he works too much. Scott is online, so is ivy. I wonder what they're doing. Scott at Notre Dame I bet he's having fun. we're actually doing homework who would have thought. college. never had to study before. kinda weird. gotta read sophie's world tonight. I have another writing assignment for Prof. Ross. weird class the meaning of life?!? MONTY PYTHON!!!! funny stuff. I have their game. no time to play it. I need to buy Interstate 76. Dakota wants to play. His stepdad died, but it was better that way. he misses us. I wish we could come down. we will for homecoming. I hope there's no game that day. band again. PC and Martin, do they even notice me? I try hard, I guess, and I really have fun. I've never done this before. picked up on it fast that's what they say. Meagan is cool. she notices I work hard. she never did it before her first year either. I guess she know what it's like. 20 minutes passed 3 minutes ago. I wonder how much longer on the laundry. I'm hungry. what can I eat. ice cream is good. already had it today. jester express might still be open. I have to check hey, movies are on tonight. SCREAM is on. cool. I think I'll watch it. time is up.

1

0

1

1

1

23

it's 2:03. that means I have to write until 2:23. I kind of wish that I had eaten lunch before I started this. is "kind of" actually a valid phrase in English? I've heard it used in conversation, but I've never really seen it tuped before. I wonder why we capitalize some nouns like God and English, but not others like god and bicycle. the people down my hall are really loud and obnoxious. I'm not quite sure what they are doing now, but it involves a lot of bumping around. They had a picture of some female anatomy on their wipe-off board for a couple of days, but it's gone now. I'm really glad because it was pretty offensive. I wasn't about to say anything about it to them, though. who am I to tell them what they can display outside their door? now I hear multiple guys laughing. I really don't like it when guys are in the dorm. it makes me really uncomfortable. I feel like I can't really go on with my regular living processes. I'm always afraid that if I take a late shower, I'll be coming down the hallway in my purple bathrobe, and there will be some strange guy standing there. I'm really into my privacy. that's why I chose an all girls dorm. besides, a lot of girls get really stupid and bitchy when they are around guys. last night when I was getting off the elevator with a friend, two girls from that floor were getting on. my friend and I were laughing at something she said, and one of the (not very nice) girls thrust her head out of the elevator and said "do you have a problem?" in a very threatening tone. I just laughed at her and said no. then she said, "I didn't think so. " then why the hell did you ask if you didn't think so? it sort of desturbed (wrong spelling, geez I hate that) me to think that someone was that bitchy where I live. I also feel sorry for her that she is so insecre that something like that would set her off. my mind goes faster than I can type. sometimes I worry that my writing is not sophisticated enough. I guess now I worry that my thought processes are not sophisticated enough. my roommate keeps trying to set me up with her friend. he's a nice guy, but the thought of getting together with him makes me a little sick. perhaps it's the dirty notes he keeps leaving on my bed when I'm not here. I'm not used to people being that upfront about sex. I noticed that sex is a big interest for psychologists. the first questionnaire I filled out had a substantial section on sex. I wonder if you guys are actually going to read this, or if I am writing this for my own benefit. if the latter is true, I'm not going to get much out of this. I write like this all the time; it's called a journal. it is slightly more enjoyable than many other alternatives I can think of, though. you're never supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. I wonder why that is. I rather like it. maybe because I'm not supposed to do it. well, it's 2:25 now, so I guess my requirement is up. besides, there's nothing more I can think of.

0

0

1

0

1

5

I just got done doing some homework for critical thinking and it is really late. I am extremely tired and I wish I would have done this assignment earlier. This is hard to write when I am so tired. I should have not talked on the phone all night and done my work earlier, but I was such a good conversation. Its funny how I always want to type about just nothing and now I can but it feels weird. Anyway my conversation was about me going home this weekend. I am going home because my uncle and his wife are down from North Carolina and my mom wants me to visit. I wonder how my cousins (my uncle that's downs kids) are doing. One is my age and the other is two years older then me. They both go to college but I'm not sure where. I also have cousins that go to Texas State. the other day I was thinking about calling one of them to see if she wanted to hang out since we are so close. but I don't have her number. I actually havent even talked to her in a year almost. The last time I saw her was last thanksgiving. We always eat thanksgiving dinner and my great aunts house. Thinking about Thanksgiving is making me hungry for some green bean casarole. My mom always makes that for Thanksgiving. Its the best! So is fried okra. I had that for dinner last night with some mashed potatoes at the Jester City Limits. Jester City Limits has some good food but its very tiring and makes me feel like I eat to much, they should close earlier so I can't eat so much. Running is very good. I actually found the energy to go run today. In high school I played soccer so I was in really good shape and ran a whole lot. NOw I don't run at all and I need to. Hopefully I can keep the routine of running all the time. I was suppose to fun with my next door neighboor today but she went later. Its funny I have lived her and she has been my neighbor for almost two weeks and yesterday was the first time I meet her. She is a really cool girl. We also meet two other girls from the same hallway. I like meeting people. I also meet a guy and me, him, and steph went to HEB how strange is that? then we went to go eat ice cream. It was really good, really expensive, and really sweet. The girl Steph works at an ice cream/ coffee shop that is hiring now. I intend on putting in an application there soon. Jobs are good, because you get money and I need lots of money so I can pay for my traffic ticket. I speed everywhere and I get a ticket for running a red light. how weird. Yesterday my friend Ryan ran one too in front of a cop and he didn't get stopped. o the luck I have. I actually shouldn't complain about my luck, I know people with way worse luck then myself. my little sisters friend megan has really bad luck. Her dad died the other day. It was really sad I wonder if she is doing any better? probably. I wonder what the little sister is doing right now anyway. I think she has a volleyball game tommorrow. She is so cute she plays soccer just because I played. I like how she looks up to me. I wish I would have had a really old sister to look up to. The closest thing to that where my cousins, who know live in alaska and montana. Alaska would be a very crazy place to live. I'm not sure I would want to live there even though my grandma says it was vvery very beautiful. I am going to visit the old grandparents very soon. I am flying there in two weekends. I love flying, I have always dreamed of becoming a flight attendent one day. I think that would be so fun to get to fly anywhere you want whenever for free. I have always wanted to travel to different places and that would be the perfect oppurtunity. I think I just spelt that word wrong. o well I don't want to fix it. So I see that this writing assignment is almost done. that was the fastest 20 minuetes that have ever passed by I really want to go to sleep.

0

0

0

1

1

3

The kitchen is so sterile and cold. I must say that this is a bit intimidating; writing your thoughts down on an electronic module for someone else to analyze and decide who you are. My mom keeps looking over at me. I can tell she wants to talk to me but I am avoiding her glare without trying to seem rude. It's really making me sad that I have to move back home from living on my own. I hate not having a space that is mine and I always feel like I am hurting someone's feelings with my disinterest in their daily lives. My dad calls like 5 times a day it seems whenever I am home and that creeps me out. I hope I don't end up like that. Very clingy. My feet hurt. I wish I could go change shirts because the kitchen is so cold and this tank top is not doing it for me but I am filling out this what-ever-you-call-it. I wonder what people make of me in general. Im sure their impression of me on paper is a bit different that in person. That makes me sad. I think I come off as more uptight than I actually am although I still seem like a hippy no matter how hard I try to suppress my bohemian leanings. My hair is so short I can feel the cold air on the back of my neck. It is so like my dad to keep the tempature of the house so friggin' cold during August that I want to dethaw in the heat. Susannah seems to have gotten along fine without me this last week and a half now that she has moved into the co-op. It hurts my feelings that she only cares about me when she has no other better option. I am her best friend though but still, I hate feeling like the backup. I am not the backup for Ian, however. He is so sweet. I can't believe he decided to drive all the way down from Colorado to come visit me. I miss him so bad and it hasnt even been a month yet. I feel like a hormonal boy, this is how much I miss him. Kissing is never the main part of our relationship definately but my body seems to be confused as to where he has gone. Where has he gone? I really don't see the good reason for him moving off to Colorado though and not even immediately starting college there. I know that whole band thing but I really think it has a lot to do with his family. Between those two huge families, god, that boy doesnt stand a chance as far as an independant existance. His mom, Kathy, is so fucked up though. I can't believe she left Jay for that abusive asshole. I hate that guy so much; such an ass. I am tired and I will be pissed off if Shyla doesnt call me back soon. She is leaving for Dallas tomorrow and has put off seeing me for two long of a period. She is no longer my best friend and I am no longer hers but she, for some reason, cannot accept this and instead always makes it out like I am rejecting her or something when this is not the case at all. If anything it is the other way. She totally ditched me this summer and then has the audacity to claim I am pushing her away. Ouch. Good thing we really arent close anymore or else I would want to cry. I can't wait to see Ian. Saturday night or Sunday morning? I wonder when he will come in. It would be so cool to have him come into the Cafe while I am working and surprise me. Well, I guess it wouldnt be a surprise if I secretly expect/ hope for it. I was so nervous today in Italian. God, can I type fast. My hands just can't seem to keep up with my thoughts. Much like my short legs can't keep up with my stride and thus, I walk in fast short steps, very embarrassed. Ian's long legs are a hoot next to mine. I think he is a whole foot taller than me. We also weigh the same. Talk about weird. He is skinny and I am vuluptuous . I hate that Clint thought that feminists were all whiney bitches. That's just like saying all Christians are homophobes. Simply not true. Damn, the phone just rang and it was my mom. She calls me even on her errrands just to tell me that SHyla called. How more nosey, clingy and in general annoying can you get? I am tired of mom and dad always calling every second they are away. Those are two people who do NOT need cell phones. My fingers are cold. Sometimes I wonder if I have bad nerves or something because my fingers and toes are always cold it seems. I am so nervous about my Italian One class. All that pronounciation in front of strangers and an intimidating teacher. It freaks me out to an extent that I can hardly even mutter prego. I am such a shy socially inept dork but I love it all the same. Okay, I was just imformed that the 20 minutes are up. Goodbye. For now. Until you enter my thoughts again.

0

0

0

1

0

2

At his time I am at the lab listening to everyone in here typing and some coughing as well. The laser printer doesn't seem to stop printing. I am at the Communications Computer lab doing this assignment. I am wondering whether or not I will be going home, Dallas, next week on Friday. I am hoping my friend will take me. I also hope I can bring back my sister, who is presently in Dallas, so that she can live with us. That way I don't have to worry about cooking or getting food for dinner. I am glad my Pre Calculus professor gave me permission to take my midterm on Monday, the day after I get back from Dallas--If I go. I just looked at the proctors. They are helping some people out with their passwords. I wish I could get a job as a proctor. I think that would be an easy way of getting some money. Most of them don't even know what they are doing. I just thought about my major. I hope I can get into the Texas Creative Department in Advertising. That would be really neat since I like to do stuff like that. I just read that a lot of students in advertising have earned awards. But I just looked at some of their work and I don't think it would be all that hard to do. I just looked at my watch, I have about fifteen more minutes before I can send this message. A lot of people are leaving the lab know. That stinks, I wish their was a better computer when I got here. Right now I'm stuck with this old IBM comp. --the only one in the lab that's still using Windows 3. 11. I wish I was home with my family right now. Especially since they left for Denver today. If only I didn't have school right now, then I could live at home and help my dad with our family business. A lot of these computers in here are down. It sure would help if someone would fix them. Jesse Holman Jones--so that's who this building is named after. Who is he? I've never heard of him. The sign on the wall says, "Lumberman, Banker, Publisher, Statesman. " What does that have to do with Communications(except "Publisher"). I still have to do my rough draft for English. Oh well, I will probably do it tonight when I get home. Not like I can get any work done their. My brother is too loud and annoying. He doesn't let me study in peace. He is pretty stubborn--likes to have everything his way. Just because my parents aren't here, he thinks he's my guardian or something. I wish I lived in a dorm instead. That would have been cool. That way I could have met new people and friends. Not only that, it's right there on campus and they have cafeterias. That would help a lot. Now I only have six minutes to go. This thing is taking a pretty long time. If it weren't for this assignment I could have been working on my English paper right now. I hope that paper turns out good. At least my professor liked my proposal-he said I did an "excellent job. " In class he was saying how rare that case would be. Hopefully, I'll do well in this class. I really don't like English classes. Their so boring. All you do is discuss a lot of things, write papers, and practice grammar. I thought my English class would be very large, instead it ends up having only 25 people. I hate small classes. At least all my other classes have over one hundred people. Well, I'm done. I guess I will send now.

0

1

0

1

0

10

It may be tough to come up with an abundance of ideas this morning, because I am fairly tired due to lack of sleep. Even though my first class today is not until two o'clock, I woke up early, not a brilliant decision on my part, and I am regretting it as we speak. However, I assume that I will feel alright once I venture outside into the sun and the sweltering heat that has overwhelmed Austin for the past several months. I hope the twenty minutes that I am required to write for pass by in a hurry, because I have yet to finish some of my Economics homework that is due in class today. I have yet to discern whether my Economics professor is adequate in his teachings. On several occasions, he has veered off the lecture topic and has attempted to entertain the class with anecdotes and personal experiences that possess no ties to the world of economics. On the other hand, my Calculus II teacher is not my favorite, because he moves very quickly through sections of the book and speaks very poor English. I am not quite sure where exactly he is from but his accent makes it difficult to understand his lectures. Aside from these two exceptions, my professors appear after two weeks to be very adept in their teaching methods and are very entertaining and informative to listen to. I am tired of talking about school, because it seems like that is the only thing I came to Austin for. On many occasions so far I have gone out on nights that I wouldn't normally party on and have had a blast on good old Sixth Street. I think it helps a lot that a bunch of my friends from high school decided on the University of Texas as their college of choice, because it has given me people to hang out with until I am able to meet and feel comfortable with a new group of friends. I have yet to pick out a girl worth going after, even though there are thousands of gorgeous and available women, because I have yet to give up my feelings for an old friend of mine from high school who decided to pursue a tennis scholarship at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee, much to my dismay. I frequently talk to her via email and telephone, but we both feel that a long distance relationship would not be the best thing for us at the moment. However, I find it hard to stop thinking about her, because she is exactly what every guy desires in a woman. She is blonde, just shorter than me, has a perfect figure, is very athletic, intelligent, and her father has a lot of money, which is always a plus. The only downfall which she possesses is that she can be clumsy at times. In fact, yesterday she spilled silver nitrate down her shirt in Chemistry Lab, thus causing her to have to us the emergency shower in the back room. To make a long story short, the chemical turned her skin purple and it doesn't wash off for at least two weeks. I am currently living at University Towers with three roommates from my high school, one of which is a pain in the ass. He has taken it upon himself to become a fatherly figure or one who scolds us for doing stuff that he doesn't approve of. It has become a nuisance. Anyway, as my nineteenth minute comes to a close I must wrap it up so as not to exceed the guidelines of the assignment.

0

0

1

1

0

6

Three weeks ago I started out on an unforgettable journey through college. Although I have been preparing myself for this journey for what feels like forever, I don't think that one could ever be completely prepared for the adventures that lie waiting for them at The University of Texas. My school year started with a hectic and stressful week many people affectionately call rush. The name "rush" cannot even begin to describe the event that should be called "stampede". I can only imagine what hundreds of girls running around the UT campus in nice dresses and make up in the heat of August would look like to an innocent bystander that just happened to be on campus that day. With all of that over and behind me I thought that I could calm down for the start of school and get ready for the classes that were ahead of me. Boy was I wrong. I don't think that I have had time to sit down long enough to think since I have been here. My classes move so fast and the stress of walking from class to class without getting run over or getting lost is enough to make anyone go crazy. But, with every 15second brake that I get I have to sit back and enjoy the college experience that I am having. Sure I am busy, but the main reason I came to U. T. was to get out of my boring hometown and in to the always out of control city I now call home. I love it here and I can't imagine looking back on my college years with memories coming from any other place but Austin.

0

0

0

1

1

3

Hello, I am so stressed right now with school. I am swamped with things to do. I don't even know where to begin I have so much. I am trying to get everything done because I am going home this weekend I don't want a lot to do. This is the first time for me to be home since I have been in college. I am really excited. I cannot wait to get away from everything. I wish I could have one day where I didn't have to do anything. I want to workout but I don't even have the time to do that. I don't see how people have jobs or be in a sorority or fraternity in school. I barely get everything done and I am not in them. They do stuff together almost every single night. I can't think of anything else right now except about what I have to do. I cannot wait until the Texas and A&M game, it is going to be so much fun. I also cannot wait to see my family. I think I am a little home sick. I think I keep pushing the submit button when I am writing I hope that's okay. I don't mean to do that, but my laptop is messed up or something. Anyway, I have been so busy that I haven't had time to call my friends or family. I have friends that go to this school but I never see them and hardly hear from them. I am so glad that I got a ticket to the OU game because I am one of the very few who doesn't have to wait in line. This reminds me of an assignment we had to do in high school. It was called power writing and we would have to write for two minutes about a topic and whoever had the most words at the very end won a prize. I was always the winner. People in the class would try to beat me and they never could. I guess I am just a fast writer. I really hope that it is okay that I pushed the submit button. It was an accident. I just figured out why that was happening and I think I fixed it. Just disregard the unfinished versions of this. I can't believe that I still have more than five minutes to keep typing. After this I still have so much to do tonight. I can't wait until this weekend so I can shopping and wash my car, but I still have to write a paper sometime during this break. also want to go out to eat while I am there. I haven't done that in a while. I accidentally pushed that button again I hope that it is okay. Anyway I am so tired and I really want to take a nap. I haven't gotten much sleep lately although I got more than I ever did in high school. In high school I got less sleep and did more physical work than I do now. I think my time is already up.

1

1

0

0

1

25

I really don't know what to type. I wonder what this keyboard is made of. I really hate it when I type and I have to keep on pressing the backspace. The air conditioning unit is really load in here right now and it's really cold. My neck hurts. What the heck is that on the ceiling. was it there before? I remember in junior high when we all used to chew up paper and make spit-wads to throw at the ceiling and see who could get the most stuck. Is that how you would spell spit-wads? There's so many words that I'm not quite sure how to spell. I remember I used to hate spelling tests in elementary. Wow, I couldn't believe that I sat next to someone today in my Calculus class who was actually in my kindergarten class! I hadn't seen him in forever. I must say it really freaked me out. It was hot today. The walk to the business school killed me. On the one hand I love that I live in Kinsolving. Great food. Nice people. Close to the drag. Plus a whole lot of my classes are near Kinsolving. When did Lisa leave? It must have been around 12. I wonder when she is getting back. I'm excited to go home tomorrow. even if it is just for a few hours. I left so much stuff there! I mean, I would have my mom just send it to me, but if I give her the permission and opportunity to go through my stuff in my room, there's no telling how long she would search, and definitely no telling what she would find. That's not to say that there's anything significant that would get me into any trouble. but I know that there's old notes from junior high. crazy pictures from those crazy party nights. and who knows what all else. Man, that timer thing at the top of this page is making me nervous for some reason. I definitely hate timed tests. Such as the SAT's. For starters I hate the fact that it's a standardized test. Secondly, I hate that it's timed. And above all else I HATE the fact that colleges weigh your application so heavily on your scores. Now I know that it makes sense to do it that way because they need some way to evaluate your intelligence in comparison to all other applicants. However, some people are just not good test takers. ME! In school I can study, understand, and learn material that enables me to do well on my tests and quizzes. But going into a test not knowing exactly what it will ask makes me so intimidated and nervous. See, look at me. When I start talking about tests and intelligence scores I try to make coherent sentences; in other words I try to make myself seem intelligent. Enough of that. What else am I thinking about. I can't believe that I am actually in college. It sounds so cliché, but I can remember just yesterday when I was in elementary school. how my biggest concern was who I was going to play with after school. or what time recess was. It was great being a kid. That's not to say that I don't enjoy the freedom that I have now, but with freedom comes tremendous responsibility. I have my mom on my mind and I think that's what made me type that sentence. I just noticed that at the beginning of this writing assignment it was a lot harder to sit and type exactly what I was thinking at that moment. I would think of something and then type it. Now my hands seems to just be flowing, my fingers just seem to be hitting keys. That's weird to me for some reason. Well I only have a couple of minutes left. To me, 20 minutes sounded like a long time to sit and type random thoughts, I figured I wouldn't be able to do it. But here I am. This chair is so uncomfortable. It's so hard and so wooden. At least it's not a big, soft chair because I would never get anything done. I would fall asleep ten minutes after sitting in it and trying to read. Reading. Something that is my downfall. I do love to read, but making sure that I have read certain material and being held accountable for it is a totally different story. Ouch. Something just bit me and I'm a little curious to know what it was. Probably an ant. ,isn't that gross! We have ants in our dorm room!

0

0

0

0

1

1

The computer that I am on is not very good, so oi hope that it doesn't kick me off, because it would really suck to have to do this all over again. I don't reallly understand how writing my miscellaneous thoughts will help me to learn about psychology. I do see how it can help others study my psychology, but what do my thoughts have to do with a class on introdutory psychology. This last few days I have really missed my girlfriend, seeing as how she is still at home, finishing her senior year. But thankfully I get to go home in 8 days and will hopefully get to see her for an entire saturday. I love her more and more every day which leads me to the conclusion that absence does make the heart grow fonder! I got a job as a houskeeper in the union on the weekends from three to midnight. The sorry thing is that I won't get to see any football games and also my dad is coming to visit me this weeekend, and won't get to see me untill monday because of my job. the good thing about my job is that I really won't have a chance to party. I have been sober for a year now and would lie to keep it that way, and my job will hopefully keep me away fromthe parties. I have given up drugs, cigarettes, and alchohol which leaves me with only reforming my dirty mouth. The way in which I plan to do this is by wearing a rubber band around my wrist and popping myself everytime I cuss. I also let the people around me know about this so that they can inform me of the times that I cass without my knowing it. College life has been pretty good to me so far, but my cousin is not responding nearly as well as I am. I have heard that she calls hrying everynight to her house. But I think that it is because of the fact that her parents, particularly her mother have done everything for her and always spoken for her the entirety of her life. Now that she is own her own, she doesn's know what to do with herself. I feel sorry for her sometimes, bt other times I think that it is about time she learned what life outside her family is like. I do hope that things get bette for her. and that things stay good for me

0

1

1

1

1

15

Wow, I have some pizza stuck in my tooth. Aw, why did that song have to end, it was good. the AC is really loud. Man, I like shrek 2. tonight, I'm breaking the habit tonight, I like Kelly Clarkson, she's so talented. man, I'm so bad at spelling. I haven't heard this, oh, yeah, it's by clay aiken, or maybe it isn't. Oh well. Ozarka Natural Spring. It was probably from Fort Worth, I'm from Denton about thirty miles north of Dallas. I saw Jenny a couple days ago. She's got curly hair. Movie Night, um I don't know. I'm supposed to by typing what I am thinking. I'm talking with Victoria my roommate. She is wearing a hat. I have a hat just like it. It's in my closet on top on a shelf. Victoria is leaving now. I shall say bye to her. Ok, now that that is over. I am going out to lunch with this girl from Christians on Campus. Sounds like it would be fun. Her name is Joselyn and she just graduated, I think from this college in Boston but she is here for just the semester. Only 4 minutes have gone by. Wow, this is taking forever. I have chemistry oops, mistake. I don't like commercials on the radio, why couldn't they just play music commercial free. My folder is blue. I finished all my psychology reading (all of chapter three). I learned way too much info on the nervous system. It is going to take forever to study for the test. I'm glad there is a lot of info in the chapter though, because I'm going to med school and will need that info. I keep making typos probably because I'm typing too fast. Oh, I have ice-cream in the freezer. Mmmm. It is a blue bell ice cream sandwich. I like Wendy's. Ah, yay, another commercial free hour of music. YAY. I like Avril Lavigne. My Happy Ending is a good song. Everyone criticizes her for not being "punk enough. " I laugh at how much time people spend criticizing artists. They should just appreciate the music. I think by saying that I was being a hypocrite because I was criticizing the people who criticize. Does admitting that you are a hypocrite make you a hypocrite. Deep, huh? I'm wearing contacts. I like my sunglasses. They are on top of my head because it is pointless to wear contacts indoors. Wow, I am only have way done. Hey, maybe that means I'm optimistic. I am such a bad speller. I spend way to much time thinking about school. I'm such a nerd. Everyone else goes out and parties and I stay in the dorm and study for hours and hours. But I do tend to watch a lot of TV, wait, I haven't been watching much TV during this past week at UT. Only about 1 hour per day. I'm so proud of myself. I can't believe that I haven't procrastinated this assignment. I don't like this trend of girls wearing too short skirts. I guess I'm just too conservative and wear long jeans or caprice. I bought new caprice. My mom just washed them. I went to the B. E. S. T. thing sponsored by the business school. It was so much fun. We went to the lake. Hello, Jenny wrote me a note. My printer is off. I can't think of anything else to write about. I was valedictorian, I was nervous when I said my speech. YAY for 5. 0 GPA. For having such a high GPA, you would think that I wouldn't be so scatterbrained. I think it is just because it will take me a little while to get used to the whole college experience thing. I have to sign up to do that psychology experiment. I want to do the prescreening. Victoria says that it takes two hours. I want to get it over with and not procrastinate. I have that awful habit and am trying to get rid of it. I like this song, and that song, well, maybe not. I want to go so sleep. I went to sleep early last night 9:30. Oh, this is that singer Chad Kroger (I am such a bad speller). I liked Spiderman 2. I have always been a fan of stuff like that: Spiderman, Batman, Superman, etc. I like Smallville on the WB. It is a good show. What else. I can't think of anything else. Ok, I have about 3 and a half minutes left. What else should I do. I have chemistry in an hour but I should leave in 1/2 an hour because I want to get a good seat in class. I'm so blind, even with my contacts. I don't want to sit in the very front row because then I will strain my neck having to look straight up at the Professor. I have Professor Laude. He is very funny. I went to a discussion session at 11. Wait, it was at 10 and ended at 11AM. I think is was fairly productive. I'm a business major. Did I mention that. I'm also pre-med. I want to be an pediatric ophthalmologist. That is just a fancy term for a kid eye doctor. It will be able to be cool to say that though. My mom was a doctor. My dad has a PhD, so he is in a sense a doctor. He is asst. Dean of the Business School at UNT. I like this song. It is by Maroon 5. Nigel, my older brother, he is 23, I think, likes this song. He has this CD and will never let me borrow it. He called me last night and was

0

0

1

0

0

4

Well I start typing now. so I don't really know my computer stopped making the fan noise why does it do that. the simpsons are on next door I could watch that but I'm stuck doing this oh well what is that oh yeah I like that I'm full even though the food is not good its all you can ear I love all you can eat. well since I don't really know what to talk about I can just write about things that I my phone rang can I answer it I don't think so oh well ill call them back I hope it was not JB calling about the hell raiser meeting damn oh but I can write bout things I don't really talk to other people bout like when I left I didn't really expect robyn and I to last really although I wanted to and but now it is not really that hard and I love her but kinda find myself wishing it was harder so that I could hav an excuse if I needed one to get out. but I have differing opinions on it mostly cause one moment I miss her and jus want to hang out with her but the next I get annoyed that I have to talk to her. and when other girls talk to me here I feel like I shouldn't even though there is no reason not to and robyn wouldn't even care the slightest cause she is so understanding and this is why our whole thing is not that hard. cause she makes it easy. that's the main reason I stayed with her cause usually I don't have relationships ever. this is mainly my first and definitely my first serious one which is another thing sometimes it seems so serious I'm like back off but when she acts casual I want her to act more serious. I guess the whole thing is stupid and I shouldn't worry bout it cause I am easy going and I should let things go with the flow I'm going to call dusting when I'm done so I can see if he is going to the hell raisers. wow it is quiet in here with no music I want to turn on ole Kenny but ill wait 10 min left this is going by fast. I thought I was barely talking. I wish I knew her name I talk to her everyday and she is in 3 of my classes and she introduces me to people and I don't even know her name that's kinda fucked up but I could like seinfeld introduce someone and she has to say her name. that would work I wonder when seinfeld comes on its not like it matters though all I really do anymore is read and study. quiet it is never this quiet my shoulder feels weird my phone is ringing again brb oh I am talking to jb about hell raisers that was easy I'm going to his room in well 13 53sec so I can wait no 20 - 1353 well 1412 now but yeah I think I'm going to work out after the meeting. I wonder if they let anyone in that 70s show is on I hear the theme song my computer sounds weird man a guy that robyn knows or knew shot himself in the face last night. it was sad supposedly he was mad or something and his gf was fighting with him and he shot himself in the face with a pistol right in front of her. robyn felt bad but I didn't know what to say really cause she has not seen him or talked to him in a long time so to me it wouldn't have been that big of a deal. this is getting long now that I'm looking forward ahead in the direction of I'm thinking of ways to say that differently alternately substitute words my eyes are getting tired I'm not blinking I need to ok wow that burned I shut them for like 5 sec and it burned it is better now jonathan thought he broke his toe and skarke got so wasted it was funny I burped and hiccupped at the same time. I wonder what this is going to say about me I don't really care though cause I think most of psy is just unnecessary over evaluation but it is interesting on a lot of levels the lie detector was cool though I think I could beat it maybe but well that's all

1

0

1

1

0

22

I'm going nuts. I haven't gotten anything done today except a shower. I didn't get my parking permit. I really need to get that so I can have my car on campus. That would make my commute to work in north Austin a lot less painful. I can't stand riding the bus back and forth. I never know exactly when the bus will arrive. If I'm not there right on time, I get stuck for another half hour or so. I just really want my car here. I also didn't get my Physics books returned. They cost me approximately $200, and they're doing me no good. I'm being booted out of my physics class cause I didn't take calculus. I didn't know until last week that calculus was even a prerequisite. That's ok, though. I didn't really want to take physics this semester anyways. I kinda like this basic, cool class schedule I have. I did get in touch with the guy in charge of the anthropology department, so I can add that cultural anthropology class that I wanted. I hope that will be a cool class. I hope I'm not really far behind since I missed the first two weeks of class. It sounds interesting though. I need to get this class to stay a full-time student. If I'm not, my financial aid will disappear. I also need to get a work/study job for my financial aid. That's another thing I could have done today, but didn't. I went in for an interview at the counseling and mental health center with a Laurel Patterson, but she never showed up. That was very discouraging. There are a few others that I'm interested in. I like the idea of doing nothing for $6. 74/hour. I could be an Entrance Monitor at the Texas Swim Center. Weee! What fun. I don't think that will happen though. I just would like to have a job on campus so I can walk there rather than having to take a bus there or to my car and then drive there. That would be so much of a hassle. And, knowing me, I'd be late a lot. I just wish I could work somewhere on campus. It would make my life easier. I will miss my current job at Sunglass Outfitters. I really like my boss, and my co-workers are pretty cool. I also work right next door to a Thundercloud Subs where I get free food when the night manager's there. He's a really cool guy. He has had a glass eye since he was 2. He's got some crazy stories about that eye. One time when he was 7 he replaced the eye with a cherry, stem and all. He scared the hell out of his grandmother because the stem was just sticking out of his head. It was pretty funny. His girlfriend one time made the mistake of asking him to keep an eye on her books. You can just imagine. He's cool. I will miss hanging out with all of those guys at the arboretum. Oh, well. Maybe things will be cool at my new work/study job. Whenever it is that I find one, that is. I should probably get going. Maybe I can still return my Physics books. It's not too late, I don't think. The other things I have to do can wait until tomorrow. But not much later than that. Oh well, everything will be ok.