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english_jokes

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1ajj2n

why couldn't the rabbi eat out during passover?

His girlfriend had a yeast infection

1ajgvq

What do you do when your wife is blocking view of the TV?

Go to the kitchen and shorten her chain.

1ajbya

What did C say to E?

She wants the D.

1ajgbi

A lonely night in Amsterdam

So a guy was walking in the red street in amsterdam and sees through one of the windows the most beautiful prostitute. He knoks on the windoy and asks her "How much?" -it's 500€ -Wow that's expensive -that's because it's double glazing

1ajgak

The thing about....

What's the hardest thing about being a being a pedophile nowadays? Too many damn sexy 9 year olds.

1ajg5u

"S-H-I-T"

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

1ajeyh

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo

To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

1ajbkd

Door to door cheese salesman

I am a door to door cheese salesman, but I never get to sell any cheese, everyone always slams their door in my face. I have no idea why. All I say is "Hello, I'd like to talk to you about cheeses" and they slam the door while saying "Bloody Jehovas witnesses!". Edit: Took away the shite part

1aj7vu

Migraine headaches

There was this guy who constantly get migraine headaches, he tried all different type of drugs and it didn't work for him. So he decided to go to the specialist. He told the doctor about his migraine and also let him know he tried all the drugs that are available in market but they still didn't help him. Doctor said "I know what you mean, I had the same problem, but I did something out of ordinary and it worked. Whenever I get headaches I go down on my wife and give her best oral sex. When she about to climax she squeezes my head with her thighs and its been helping me with my headaches. And you should try it out." After couple of months doctor meets that guy on street and asks him I haven't seen you for long time after your visit, how's your headaches? The guy said your technique really worked, but I just have one question who made that portrait of you and your wife top of your bed?

1aj5mz

As far as my dog knows...

...dicks taste like peanut butter.

1aj4bs

Non-Racist black joke

What do you call four black men in a red sleeping bag? A Kit-Kat.

1aj33i

Son of a Bitch

A priest was fishing in the old country when he caught a really big fish. He hauled it up on the bank and this guy walked up and looked at it. He looked over at the priest and said, "Wow, that's a big son of a bitch!" The priest looked over and said, My son, I'm a man of the cloth. You shouldn't talk like that." The guy looks at him and says, "That's what we call those fish in this part of the country." The priest was like, oh, okay. So, the priest takes the fish back to where he lives and a nun walks up and says, "Wow, did you catch that on your fishing trip?" The priest proudly holds the fish up and says, "Yes, I caught this son of a bitch!" The nun looks at him and says, "Father!" The priest says, "That's what they call these fish where I caught it!" The nun says, "Would you like for me to clean that son of a bitch for you?" The priest says, "That will be fine." So the nun is carrying it to clean when another nun walks up and ask where she got it. The nun carrying the fish replies,"The father caught this son of a bitch!" The nun that asked says, "Sister!" The nun carrying the fish says, "That's what the father said they're called!" The other nun says, "I'll bake that son of a bitch after you clean it then!" Well, low and behold the pope shows up for dinner. Everyone finishes dinner and the pope is sitting there and he looks around, leans back and says, "That was a fine meal you cooked for the Pontiff." Well the priest didn't want to be outdone and he jumps up and exclaims, "I caught that son of a bitch!" The nun that cleaned it jumps up and says, "I cleaned that son of a bitch!" Well the other nun didn't want to be left out and she jumps up and says, "And I baked that son of a bitch!" Upon hearing this the pope looks around and says with a loud voice, "You know what? You motherfuckers are alright!"

1aj204

A man is on a business trip in Las Vegas...

...after he checks into his hotel he decides to relax with a cocktail at the hotel bar. While sipping his drink, a beautiful woman catches his eye and they strike up a conversation. It turns out she's a prostitute so he decides to invite her up to his room. Up in his room, he asks, "How much for a handjob?" She replies, "$1,000." "$1,000?! That's ridiculous!" he replies. The prostitute brings him over to the window and points down to a line of high-class livery cars awaiting passengers. "See that line of cars down there? Well I own all of them because I charge $1,000 for handjob." Curious, the man agrees, pays the money, and receives the best handjob of his life. During his second evening in Vegas, he hits up the same bar and is pleased to see the same prostitute. He invites her up to his room again. "Well that $1,000 was worth it, but how much for a blowjob?" "It'll be $10,000 for a blowjob." "$10,000 for a blowjob?! You're out of your mind!" Again, the prostitute brings him over to the window and points to a a fancy new hotel being built across town. "See that new hotel coming up? Well, I own that hotel because I charge $10,000 for a blowjob." Remembering the awesome handy from the night before, he decides to pay up for the blowjob. It was the best blowjob of his life. The third night comes around and the man goes back down to the hotel bar hoping to see the same prostitute. He finds her and excitedly invites her up to his room again. "The handjob and blowjob you gave me were so amazing. I have to fuck you now. I can't stop thinking about how mind-blowing it'll be!" "I charge $100,000 for sex." "$100,000?! That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!" Once more she brings him to the window and motions at the Las Vegas Strip, implying she owns it all. "Nah-uh! No way! There is NO WAY you OWN the ENTIRE Vegas Strip." The prostitute smiles coyly and says, "You're right. I don't own the Strip. But I would... if I had a pussy."

1aiz38

Your face is kinda similar to a planet...

''Oh yeah, Which one?'' ''Uranus''

1aiuo1

They always tell me, "Measure twice. Cut once"...

...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by.

1aiu0n

Q: What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan? (Found on /r/linux)

A: Open the other end

1aitxd

Being Fired

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this. A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!”

1aitt5

Went to the zoo today. There was only one animal.

It was a "shitzu."

1airuh

WHAT DO YOU CALL......

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN SOMEONE FARTS IN A GAY BAR? A: A PICK UP LINE

1airec

Paddy in New York

Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume. The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?'

1aiq9a

Desperate to get laid, so I'm going to my next Halloween party dressed as a giant anus

...I hear that hot girls love having sex with assholes

1aipi6

A duck walks into a bar... (kind of long...)

A duck walks into a bar and asks if they serve food, the bartender, a bit taken aback by the talking duck, pauses before replying "Yeah, what would you like?" "I'll just have a burger and a pint please" replied the duck. The next day the duck returns and orders the same, this happens every day for a few weeks. One day, just after the duck has left, the owner of a travelling circus enters the bar for a drink, while there the bartender says "Hey, I'm sure you'd be interested in this, every day there's a talking duck come in here for lunch!" "Really? That would be an excellent addition to my circus!" replies the man, "Tell him to call me on this number if he comes back tomorrow." and he hands the bartender a card. The next day, sure enough, the duck returns for his food and the bartender tells him about the man from the circus. "The circus?" says the duck. "Yes!" exclaims the bartender. "Big tent? Pole up the middle?" asked the duck. "Yes!" says the bartender confused. The duck goes quiet for a moment and says "So what the hell does he need a plasterer for?"

1ainxu

A young woman in New York...

... was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

1ailv6

The Frog

I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, three wood. I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard ..three wood. I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next hole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog. That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, kiss me. Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room. Edit 1: It's ok, I fixed my spelling error! Threat neutralized!

1ailpd

So I got caught copying my friends test in class...

I think the teacher heard my Xerox machine.

1ailhe

A math joke told to me by another redditor...

So... What did the integral say to the equation? "I don't even..."

1aijdp

A beautiful blonde woman ...

... was pulled over by a policeman. "Is there a problem, officer?" she asked. "Yes. There is no red light on your car. You can`t go driving around without one," came the answer. "Oh officer. You are mistaken," she explained. "I will have you know that I am not in that kind of profession."

1aigeb

Could not decide how much lettuce to buy, until I got a second opinion

two heads are better than one.

1aidvn

In an English class...

Teacher: David, give me a sentence starting with "I." David: I is... Teacher: No, David. You must always say "I am." David: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

1aics6

Yo mama's like a mosquito

I gotta slap her to stop sucking

1aicbb

The Story of a Cajun Man named Poo Poo Boudreaux

A bit of Cajun humor from Tommy Joe Breaux: There was this fella down in Cajun country that was named Poo Poo Boudreaux. He HATED his name, people teased him about it all his life. One day a friend told him that he could go before the judge and change his name legally. So Poo Poo went before the judge and told him his story. He said, "Your Honor, I been named this all my life and I hate my name and I want to change it." To which, the judge replied, " Mr. Boudreaux, I can see why you would want to change your name. Changing your name is serious business and should be taken as such. You gotta want it real bad to do that. And what would you be changing your name to?" To which Poo Poo Boudreaux exclaimed, "Poo Poo Arceneaux!"

1aia1i

Put the punchline in the title.

Jokes suck when people

1ai900

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

1ai8dk

What's Irish and sits outside?

Patio Furniture

1ai5s4

William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.

They're going to be called Shatner Pants.

1ai2m5

Why did the chicken cross the road twice?

Because it was a double-crosser

1ai2bl

"Dude, this game is like your mom."

"Dude, this game is just like your mom." "How so?" "It's really easy."

1ai0h4

You better watch out...

... 'cause I know Jiu Jitsu, Tae Kwon Do, Kung Fu, and about 12 other Chinese words!

1ai0d2

Does advertisement work?

Just did.

1ahy1a

Knock Know? Whose There? Letm. Lemt Who?

Let me in please

1ahx1h

I have a tendency to run around naked...

So every morning I spray myself with Windex, to prevent me from streaking.

1ahuvc

What's long and black?

The unemployment Line.

1ahrzx

How many protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question. Protesters never change anything.

1ahqqd

Yo mama's so mean...

She has no standard deviation.

1ahq1c

A small business.

"Hey Jim! Long time no see, how are you?" *"I'm great John, thanks. I started a small business."* "Really? In this financial climate? Pretty risky. What kind?" *"A brothel actually"* "Cool! What services do you offer?" *"The usual. Blowjobs, handjobs, and anal."* "What, no pussy?" *"Well, as I said its a small business.... I'm a freelancer."*

1ahnzj

Village Idiot

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?" "Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

1ahl9h

How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag?

Take the S out of safe and the F out of way..

1ahk7n

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam!

1ahgop

What do you call a lesbian octopus?

A lickalotopuss.

1ahfys

What happened to the brain eating zombie that went to Washington?

He starved to death.

1ahdw3

What advice did Tiger Woods' dad have for Tiger during training?

Concentrate on golf—fuck everything else.

1ahd0e

What's green, white, and orange and only appears once a year?

Irish pride

1ahbd3

A woman is cheating on his husband and having group sex with three men...

When all of a sudden, the husband returns home from work early. In a panic, the three men run to the backyard stark naked, and looking around, they see three large garbage bags and decide to hide in them and so each one gets into a bag. The husband comes in the bathroom, sees his wife all naked and sweaty and immediately realizes what's going, sees the door leading to the backyard open, grabs his shotgun and runs outside ready to commit murder, "I'll kill the bastard!" Once outside, he sees the three bags and realizing the level of cuckolding he's been subjected to, decides to have some fun first. He approaches the first bag and gives it a soft kick, from inside the first man lets out a "Baaa, baaa..." "Oh", growls the man out loud, "there's a sheep in that bag." He moves on to the second bag and gives that one a kick and from inside the second guy lets out a "Buuk, buk, buk, buk...". "We seem to have a chicken in this bag" hisses the man and moves on an gives the third bag a kick. Nothing happens. He steps back and gives the bag a harder kick boiling with anger and again nothing happens. Starting to see red, he gives the bag a kick with all his might and stomps it a couple of times and from inside the third guy moans, "It's a bag of potatoes you asshole, potatoes"!

1ah9oi

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

you can keep the tip.

1ah4om

So this guy has really small hands...

He's with a group of his friends and he says "hey guys I have really small hands, I bet I have the smallest hands in the world. I should get it checked at the Guinness Book of World Records" so he goes and gets it checked out, meets back up with his friends and they can see his excitement before he has the chance to even tell them, he did have the smallest in the world. So another guy in the group says "hey you know what, I have really small feet, maybe I have the smallest feet in the world. I should check it out too." Sure enough when he makes it back to his friends he's clearly ecstatic, he has the smallest feet in the world. So finally the last of the group says "well shit, I have a really small penis. It has to be the smallest in the world, I'm going to check it out with the Guinness Book of World Records as well." Upon returning his friends can see how livid he is. "Whats the matter man don't you have the smallest penis in the world?" To his reply "Who the fuck is (insert your name here, or if your telling the joke the name of someone your telling the joke to.)?!"

1ah2uk

So a Muslim Man is stopped on the highway...

The Muslim man was driving through a rural town in Alabama, when he is pulled over by a Redneck cop. The cop gets out of his car and approaches the window of the Muslim man's car. "Do you know how fast you were going?" The cop says The Muslim man responded angrily, "I had no fucking clue officer!" The cop, surprised, looked the Muslim man back in the eyes and said "What did you just say ta me?" The Muslim man apologetically responded, "I'm sorry officer, it's Ramadan and I've been fasting. It's part of my religion." The cop wrote the man a ticket and looked down at him. He then responded by saying "One, yer religion don't let you slide past all our laws, an' two, it ain't called fastin', stupid. Its called speedin'."

1ah5wn

A Chess Shop

A man walks into a chess shop, and going over to the small asian manager, he asks if he can purchase a piece. The manager says, "Oh sure. Take a rook."

1ah5m2

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

1ah5go

John Wayne

rides his horse into town, ties the reins to the hitching rail, walks to the back of the horse and pokes his finger up the horses butt. He then proceeds to wipes the finger all around his mouth. A man standing nearby runs over and says "Mr Wayne, why did you do that" John Wayne replies "Well, the wind and rain causes my mouth to get all dry and chapped" "And that prevents it?" asks the guy "No" says John "but is sure stops you licking your lips"

1ah5ck

A Young Irish Couple

A young Irish couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship." With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!" She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

1ah333

I typed "Missing medieval servant" into Google...

But it just came up with "Page not found".

1ah1gt

What's lil Wayne's favorite pizza?

Lil seizure

1ah12d

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Italian were in an airplane

It had engine trouble. So, they all got on their parachutes and jumped. The Irishman was first out of the plane, counted to ten, and pulled the rip cord. Second out, the Italian did the same. So, did the Scotsman, but his chute did not open, and he plummeted down with ever increasing speed. He passed the Italian, who crossed himself. Then he shot passed the Irishman. The Irishman TOOK OFF HIS CHUTE, and started to plummet after the Scotsman!!!!!!! "OH, SO TIS A RAACE YE BE WANTIN'!!!!!", He Shouted.... Happy St. Paddys day guys. Got this from the comment section on Yahoo, first time that ever paid off

1ah0yf

Funny Pick up line... Add more plz

-Whilst sitting in a nice car- ...hey baby want a ride in my ex wife's life insurance. ~~~~~~~

1ah0wa

What's long and green and has an asshole at each end?

A St. Patrick's Day parade!

1agwoe

Ay gurl, are you a beaver.

'cause dam.

1agwma

Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

1agw1u

What do you call two gay Irishmen?

Michael FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzMichael. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

1agu9x

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said

"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

1agu0o

How do you get a hippie off your door step?

Pay for the pizza and close the door.

1agt9p

So a pope, a pedophile, and a rapist walks into a bar...

He asks for a drink. ^^^^Take ^^^^as ^^^^much ^^^^time ^^^^as ^^^^you ^^^^need ^^^^to ^^^^think ^^^^about ^^^^it...

1ago3d

HOW DO PIGS TALK?

SWINE LANGUAGE.

1aglwg

How many potatoes does it take to kill and Irishman?

None. Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!

1agllp

(Q)..... What Do You Call A Brunette Standing Between Two Blondes?

(A)..... The Interpreter.

1agkkw

How does a Jew make tea?

Hebrews it. -- How does a Jew make beer? --Hebrews Hops

1agk9q

John in here?

A 35 year woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work in London. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bed room closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home at the same time. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “John in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is” Boy ” I have a baseball.” Man “That’s nice” Boy “Want to buy it?” Man “No, thanks” Boy “My dad/s outside…” Man “O.K. – How much?” Boy “$250? In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together because woman’s husband also came home at the same time. Boy “John in here” Man “ Yes, it is.” Boy “I have a baseball glove” The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy “$750? Man “Sold!” A few days later the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and play a game of catch.The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ” $ 1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “John in here”. The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again, you’re in my closet now.”

1agk5h

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You don't know?

1agbte

How much hummus did the anorexic girl order?

A tahini bit.

1ag9iw

What happens to a politician when he takes a Viagra?

He gets taller.

1ag7zv

A Question of Communication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce? She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property." "No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?" "It's made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle in town, as well as my husbands parents." He said, "Do you have a grudge?" "No," she replied. "Since we have a carport, we've never really needed one." "Ma'am, has your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded. "About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madame, why do you want a divorce?" "I've never wanted a divorce," the woman replied. "My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."

1ag6y3

One I just heard.

Part of me says "I can't keep drinking like this." The other part of me says "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk."

1ag63t

There was a fly hovering six inches above a lake

In the middle of the woods there was a small lake. In the middle of this lake there was a fly hovering six inches above the water. Down in the water there was a fish. And the fish said: If that fly drops six inches...I'm going to get that fly. A little ways away from that there was a bear. And the bear saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, and that fish gets that fly...I'm going to get that fish. A little ways away from that there was a hunter. And the hunter saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, and that bear gets that fish...I'm going to shoot that bear. A little ways away from that there was a mouse. And the mouse saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear...I'm going to steal that hunters cheese. A little ways away from that there was a cat. And the cat saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear, that mouse steals that cheese...I'm going to eat that mouse. Now for a brief moment everything stood still. There was silence everywhere as everyone watched the fly. All of a sudden, the fly dropped six inches. The fish jumped up and grabbed the fly, the bear ran in and got the fish, the hunter took aim and shot the bear, the mouse ran up to steal the hunters cheese, and the cat jumped at the mouse to eat him, but at the very last second the mouse saw the cat and jumped out of the way and the cat landed in the lake. Now the moral of the story is: When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

1ag5v3

About 2/3 of the Atheists I know were raised catholic, and I can't help but wonder...

Was the sex really that bad?

1ag5g7

WHY WAS THE BROOM LATE FOR WORK?

BECAUSE IT OVERSWEPT.

1ag4qn

All jeans are skinny jeans...

...if you're fat enough.

1ag45f

What does it sound like when a Pterodactyl urinates?

There is no sound... The P is silent.

1ag3j8

Why was the peanut rushed to the hospital?

He was a"salted"

1afzel

Timbuktu

In the finals of a national poetry contest, the last two contestants are a Harvard graduate and a redneck. The Harvard graduate steps forward to receive the last subject. The judges tell him 'Timbuktu'. He thinks for a moment and recites his poem: Across the vast and open sands March a lonely caravan. As they march, two by two Destination Timbuktu The crowd goes wild as the redneck steps forward. The judges tell him his subject is Timbuktu. He thinks for a while, when a big grin spreads across his face. A huntin me and my friend Tim went. We found three whores in a pop-up tent. Of them were three, and of us were two, so I bucked one and Tim-buck-two!

1afxat

I wish that regular church goers would stay home at Easter

so that those of us who only come once a year can get in the building.

1afvs2

What did the man say when he saw the Jewish man stealing his water?

"Water Jew doing?"

1afvde

WHAT DO YOU CALL A FAKE NOODLE?

AN IMPASTA.

1aft4p

Borrowed Car

One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"

1afrnk

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

Don't know, don't care.

1afr0l

What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?

Yours.

1afqbv

Why do they call a bird that lives by the sea, a seagul?

Because if it lived by the bay, it would be called a Bagel.

1afowq

Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison?

The Headlines in the paper read "Small medium at large"

1afot1

After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside!

It was unfortunate.

1afo7q

W E N D Y

A couple just got married and before their honeymoon to Jamaica the young man decided to get his new gals name tattooed on his junk, forever marking it as belonging to her. Normally only the W and Y are visible, but when he gets excited it spells out W E N D Y. While in Jamaica they decided to visit a nude beach, and while at the beach the young guy couldn't help but spot a local with what he thought was the same tattoo. He walks up to the local and asks, "Hey man, do you also have a girlfriend named Wendy? It seems we have matching tattoos!" The Jamaican replies, " Na mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a nice day.'" Edit: spelling/grammer

1afk06

A man calls his brother's home...

... and his little nephew Timmy answers the phone. The man says, "Can I talk to your daddy?" Timmy says, "No, he's busy." The man says, "Can I talk to your mommy?" Timmy says, "No, she's busy too." The man says, "Well is there anyone else at the house?" Timmy says, "Yeah, the police." The man becomes alarmed and says, "What's wrong? Can I talk to one of the policemen?" Timmy says, "No, they're all busy." The man gets frustrated and says, "Why is everyone so damn busy?" Timmy lets out a hushed giggle and says, "They're looking for me!"

1afn8z

So a scientist working the Large Hadron Collider lied on some lab reports

He's a real Higgs Boso